BES T POEMS 7

Copyright 2012 © The MÔmo Press

♉ ♈♈ ♍♍♍ all rights reserved printed in the united states of america the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form is reserved by no persons living or dead for information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to: chancellor of the exchequer 1 horseguards road, london, sw1a 2hq www.themomopress.com the author would like to thank the eternal feminine that draws us ‘hinan’ according to goethe though it may as well be ‘hunan’ or ‘hiney’, which came from heine

Best Poems 7 by Bud Chad

new york 3 berlin

lesbos pussy

Contents
Introduction by Gen. Geo. Washington
Death 1 Fix ’em 2 Circumcision 3 Ilijana 4 My Balls 5 William Teague 6 What If 7 A Train 8 Along Those Lines 9 When I Die 10 Suicide Bombers 11 Granite 12 Slavic Girls 13 Meaning 14 That Time 15 God 16 Singers Sing 17 One Thing 18 Lesbians and Animals Conspire 20 Niggers 21 Ain’t It Somethin’ 22

xi

19

One Time 23 Faggots 24 Ellipses 25 Ilijana’s Panties 26 Brain Trust 27 Public Duty 28 Rain 29 After 30 I am Homeless 31 Fight 32 Toaster 33 If My Mind 34 Balls 35 Guitar 36 Life 37 If 38 A Man 39 Tomorrow 40 Half 41 Prelude 42 My Constituents Mother 44 Whores 45 Sticking 46 I Remember 47 I’d Get 48 Chasing Ghosts 49 Bud Chad 50 One Thing 51

43

Forgiveness 52 Someone 53 Another Thing Rolling 55 Another Thing 56 Travis King 57 A Lot 58 Meaning 59 Bud Chad 60 War and Death 61 Faggots 62 One Thing 63 Croatian Redheads 64 My Dick 65 Child 66 Three Enemas 67 Neanderthals 68 Another Thing 69 Angels 70 An Empty Glass 71 Spring Dies 72 Truth 73 STOP 74 Whenever 75 Czechs 76 Enough Women 77 Inventions 78 How Am I 79 Spirits 80

54

William S. Burroughs I am not 82 If the Aliens 83 Quasars 84 If I Go 85 The Butterfly Effect 86 Kingslayer 87 Benjamin Franklin 88 The Way 89 A Sonnet 90 Ted Bundy 91 Most Wisdom 92 Life’s Passing 93 Dying 94 John Holmes 95 Ilijana 96 Triumphant March 97 Another Thing 98 Ilijana 99

81

Introduction
Love between women is a beautiful thing. —Jesus, Sermon on the Mount

I

almost forgot to write an introduction. I will say this much: Love between women is a beautiful thing. Jesus said so, and I have no cause to doubt him. It’s because no fluids get expended. Nothing gets lost. Womens’ clams slap together, they rub. In equal measure it hurts and it feels good. Usually the fatter girl takes bottom and doesn’t move. That’s because it’s harder for her to move in general. There’s a kind of pussy pounding and it’s accompanied by a pussy throbbing. And sometimes the clit pokes its head out like an ancient rat awakened by some late-night argument. Then it goes to sleep again. There’s some jabbing and stabbing with fingers, and driven into ecstasy, one of the girls falls off the bed into pure thrill. And she is immediately embarrassed. Or she pretends it’s no big deal. Like it was a sneeze. I am an enemy to all casual orgasms. I don’t believe that damn Jesus. Pussies that rub together, butt up against each other, lose fluids.

ix

Pussy juice evaporates. It is lost into the air, it becomes the air. Another thing that happens is girls feel each other’s breasts. It’s like a tug and a rub and a quick shake. The nipple gets grabbed. As if somebody is peeling back a layer, trying to peer underneath. That underneath layer is me. Very nearly. Girls grab nipples like they are grabbing Kleenex. I grab nipples like I am pulling pins out of handgrenades. It is a sad fact, but sometimes you have to slap a girl to get her out of the way of her own tits. You want to grab some tits? She’s there barking orders telling you how to grab them. I don’t abide by that… I go at those tits like they are kids tossed off a building. I’m all in. I cast spells on those tits. I put on leather boots and goosestep on them, my own private Nazi empire. What about all the experimenting girls? Are they gobbling tits, spewing curses, spitting and laughing and setting their dicks on fire? They don’t have dicks. Right there’s half the problem. I first met this one bitch one of the years I was drunk. I was alcoholic and homeless in some bumfuck country — I don’t recall where — and ended up at this hostel, already just about too old

x

to be in a hostel, as I was, in my sixties. There she was, and she was in a light vs. dark struggle with a redhead whom I also got to know but whose pussy was busted. Anyway, this one wasn’t the Devil but was very nearly a near-lesbian on the order of that girl from Roseanne, the second daughter. She was a cute girl, and was utterly out-ofreach. But you know, they say that the ideal woman is one who is out of reach, unattainable, and who you can’t figure out. Was will das Weib? Freud wondered. I don’t fucking know. I had even less an idea with that one, who, if she is a lesbian, is at least still a little bit fuckable, at least while she’s still young. This kind of girl is ideal for a Muse. But what about her pussy? I suppose it’s nice. I don’t know. I think that women who smoke like she does, the ashes and the tar get into that pussy and it’s nice, but it’s like your dick has smoked a cigar when you pull out. Gen. George Washington, formerly Continental Army

xi

Death
is a great shitting

Only afterwards the shit flies back up the anus

1

Fix ’em
The baby’s ballin’

So ball the baby

2

Circumcision
Lesbians circumcise

themselves spiritually

3

Ilijana
was a hot piece of ass

but I never got the fuck vibe

And psychosis usually turns bitches on

4

My Balls
might go might die might succumb

like a clenched fist then black out

5

William Teague
hitched up to bitches from time to time though one slashed him with a bottle

across his palm

on his tattoo which read ‘insert dick here’

6

What If
every absurdity

is a quiet symphony?

God’s triumph over the living?

7

A Train
goes off the rails and niggers shriek and it flies through the air and it never dies never lands

and whole towns clear out

the train keeps wrecking

8

Along Those Lines
my balls might just be soft wrecking balls against the castle walls of your pussy

9

When I Die
I will push a big cosmic button

and detonate

10

Suicide Bombers
secretly seek community

blasting others to attain a quiet intimacy

once ears are set ringing

there can be only tender glances

11

Granite
I grit my teeth and charge into the granite block biting it and break all my teeth

gnawing I do not give way though I break my nose when I accidentally slip, and headbutt the block

12

Slavic Girls
have low gutteral voices and smoke eight to twelve packs a day and drink and think they have uncovered one of life’s mysteries whereas they have merely become one

13

Meaning
dies with us

though it dies slightly after us

14

That Time
just before I was born fills me with such nostalgia it is beyond weeping and words

oh, and niggers

15

God
bitchslapped a bunch of niggers

then stood back and watched

He’s been watching a long time

16

Singers Sing
but it ain’t clear yet

whether human life means shit

17

One Thing
I’d like to do

is open fire

on a children’s choir

18

Lesbians and Animals
How come lesbians like animals so goddamned much?

19

Conspire
My soul and my digestion are in a conspiracy against me and plot

but will give up first

20

Niggers
can’t get too close to solar panels

absorb too much

21

Ain’t it Somethin’
when fat, ugly bitches make out like you are hitting on them

When all you’d hit ’em with is a baseball bat or, say, your dick

22

One Time
I took a shit in a sombrero

Outside it was raining

23

Faggots
have me strapped down on a surgical table

say I won’t remember

what they do to my member

24

Ellipses
ain’t elliptical

say, show me a tit trickle

which is what we get after my saw blades come out and the tits come off

25

Ilijana’s Panties
I washed ’em one time

they were covered in some sort of jizz or the clap or snot or some shit like that

I had mixed feelings

26

Brain Trust
my balls in my pants when I stand on my head look a lot like a cerebellum

outclassing all those MENSA candidates

27

Public Duty
how can you trust writers who are not drunk?

28

Rain
all this rain makes me think I’m gonna get wet when I have to go out to buy another bottle

29

After
the heart gets expended there is only death

this is the truth of the heart

30

I Am Homeless
so homeless I will have a cardboard coffin

wrap me in newsprint

deliver me up to Heaven as a message

31

Fight
If you fight the niggers to the death the niggers sprouting up out of the soil will claim you and hunt you and villify you and impregnate you

32

Toaster
calling the Jews oven-dodgers has never meant for me dodging toaster ovens though it is known that some tiny Jews have fit inside such

33

If My Mind
breaks before I make it home take it out and set it down on the stump let the moonlight dry it out then beat the hell out of it, that is, beat it with a stick and in that same moonlight I will return

34

Balls
augure my fortune as they say in Montenegro

when I drop them in a little teacup and twist and upend the cup upon a little plate

35

Guitar
The guitar is an Eastern instrument and a refutation of Western civilization

36

Life
has stakes?

Life has no stakes

Eat that instant oatmeal

Savor the flavor

37

If
Ilijana menstruates does she get emotional?

Or does she simply smoke?

38

A Man
broke into a nursery screaming “Turn back! Turn back!”

He was arrested for being a nuisance

But he was a prophet

39

Tomorrow
I will puke bile

but tonight I will drink creamy gold

Truth gets cancelled out

40

Half
my teeth were put there in the middle of the night by somebody else

41

Prelude
One thing would be to jizz into a whirring jet engine and then to jump in after it

42

My Constituents
Have for generations been erased from History

Still I read their names on the roster in invisible ink on account of my fancy specs — and I visit their homes

43

Mother
If you hit my face enough with a hammer

I won’t resemble nobody no more

44

Whores
are just women backed into a corner

Usually it’s me pushing them

45

Sticking
that radio antenna up my butt

made me feel safe and secure

cause finally it was receiving something

46

I Remember
those days in Ilijana’s apartment when she was off clam-diving

and the place smelled of beer and Croatian taffy

I killed twenty mosquitoes a night

47

I’d Get
Ilijana pregnant but she’d just sit there smoking and look miserable and I bet she probably would be

48

Chasing Ghosts
just to kill them though they are already dead is about as close to a pure moral and aesthetic principle as you can get

49

Bud Chad
loaded all the chambers of his gun

and shot out all the chambers of his heart one by one

then his balls took over

50

One Thing
I’d do is line up all the faggots

and have them do a fashion walk

51

Forgiveness
is easier when you are rich

though it leaves a bad taste in your mouth

like cyanide and spunk

52

Someone
shot me in the face then shot me in the wound in my face then shot the wound in the wound and stole my wallet

was a Croatian bitch

53

Another Thing
I hate is this sickly sweet champagne that tastes like fermented placenta and makes me want to gnaw off my own asshole out of spite

54

Rolling
newborn babies downhill to set them free like lab rats or other experimented upon animals

ain’t no crime

’tis a pastime

55

Another Thing
I’d do is marry that black African prostitute I fucked in Madrid

the one with the good heart

though when her black African mates came around it’d make me nervous

56

Travis King
snorted out of an envelope filled with mono-atomic gold then shot out four extra arms each with Walther semi-automatics

I think it was a bank robbery though there were no banks nearby and he jumped up on a rooftop

57

A Lot
of them want to attack me in my sleep and I say: Why not?

Do lesbians dream?

If so is it of strong women? Or pretty girls?

58

Meaning
is a refuge for liars

My lies have no meaning

59

Bud Chad
pokes people’s eyes out with a telescope

he also plugs pussies with a cork

He once quieted a baby by slipping it in the mail

60

War and Death
got together after a long day’s march sat down and almost sang songs

they had worked hard

these two had done more than most to make Life entertaining

61

Faggots
clutch at straws

I been clutching at tits with my razor-sharp teeth

when I am not tying myself up in knots with piano-wire

62

One Thing
I ought to do is start mailing photos of my dick to America’s Most Wanted

The Post Office has got ’em already

63

Croatian Redheads
are genetic freaks it seems who have the pearly whites and pussies sealed shut just enough to make you want ’em

but they got raised well no shortage of bread or raisins there in want of a strong punch to the jaw

64

My Dick
shoots lasers like Hottentots, this has been evident to everybody since the beginning, and no matter what you say, I been this way since the beginning, which mean I catch all the cataracts with the Muscular Dystrophy and I toss ’em straight into the volcano so nobody can doubt me. I save the tribe when nobody else does

65

Child
My voice is slurring velvet

My dick is floppy dough

There was a time when I was a fierce child

Repelling enemies

66

Three Enemas
is necessary if you get raped released from jail

then caught up in a tsunami

which is a hard word to spell like sushi

67

Neanderthals
had strong jaws but would also fuck

If I fucked one

She’d break my dick

68

Another Thing
I’d do probably is slap bitches just before I x-ray them with my dick inside of them

69

Angels
are singing when I hook myself up to that electric generator —you know— when I’m inside of you and you are passed out of course

70

An Empty Glass
is worse than the Apocalypse

it might signal the beginning of the Apocalypse, the beginning of the end which may be worse since there’s more fear

it’s worse than the Apocalypse

71

Spring Dies
when I stumble

and lose my face

on the side of a house

72

Truth
might happen only in that fleeting moment when all the atomic bombs detonate simultaneously

73

STOP
here and pour another glass

it is another day

another attempt at ruin

74

Whenever
mathematics and pussy combine

I am there

whenever a rapist does a quick mental calculation

I am there

75

Czechs
are like the Lost Tribe of Israel

but Nazis

Cold bitches who deserve the door slammed in their face

76

Enough Women
have decided I am a monster

that it ought to make me wonder

but not yet

77

Inventions
The Buttock Guillotine can be positioned many different ways skull-cap works best in zero-gravity

78

How Am I
supposed to write poems if my dick keeps whispering to me?

79

Spirits
when you drink spirits you drink the spirits of those who made them

the factories, the families, the workers, and all their sins

80

William S. Burroughs
was a lady-faced fag

and Bukowski

a dumber, straight

version of Burroughs

81

I am not
unaware of the resemblance

between myself

and Jesus Christ

He was my apprentice

82

If the Aliens
came they might tie all the dicks together

and hurl everybody off into the cosmos

83

Quasars
and gay Czars

and another thing

Firefighters are a gay cult

84

If I Go
back in time and kill all my ancient ancestors

I will be quite a bad-ass

85

The Butterfly Effect
is when you rape a bitch and all her friends call you up to get some, too

86

Kingslayer
If somebody gave Ilijana rufies and I saw and I raped her first who would she call the cops on?

87

Benjamin Franklin
would say stabbing a bitch with a pair of spectacles

is quite a spectacle

88

The Way
to beat the rape kit

it to keep the bitch

in your bathtub

for two days till the sperm dries up

89

A Sonnet
I had a sonnet all ready to go for Ilijana one time but she kept her laptop over at a girl’s house so they could watch porno I couldn’t type it

90

Ted Bundy
was a boxers or a briefs man?

Did he go commando?

We know he was a hero

91

Most Wisdom
is silent so silent

one can hardly entertain it

92

Life’s Passing
They say we are here to leave a mark

I leave stretch marks

on as many bitches as I can

Also skid marks

93

Dying
involves a full-frontal scene

for each of us

and being old won’t help it

94

John Holmes
through the magic of cinema

can have a dick forty feet wide

if you project it on the side of a burning house

95

Ilijana
is really quite a muse

if you consider she is inscrutable like a Buddha

or a cigar store Indian

96

Triumphant March
I heard it playing when playfully I turned the girl over

and shot that nail-gun into her tailbone

97

Another Thing
that happens when I run out of poems

is I shout angrily at my dick

98

Ilijana
is regarded warmly by those who love her as someone they would hate to see falling out of a hang glider

99

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