You are on page 1of 8


Written by R. Mike Lyons

2009 +1 (719) 310-6660

BLACK SCREEN A woman's voice, reminiscent of Dr. Ruth, is heard. NARRATOR (V.O.) This is the story of Rosalie. FADE IN: EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY There is a stand-alone building with a sign that reads: "CANADIAN HAMMY'S PIZZA PARLOR." A giant statue of a hamster stands next to the entrance in what would be Disney's interpretation of skater clothing. INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Inside are dozens of tables scattered about, mixed in with arcade games, ball pits, and interconnected tubular mazes. Children run about while tired parents sit down. CASHIER/PRIZE COUNTER Along the wall is a cache of stuffed animals and cheap plastic toys. Three employees stand along the wall. A flat white nametag with "Rosalie," made from a label maker, on it is seen. ROSALIE is a petite girl in her early twenties. The other employees are CHUCK and MIKE, both somewhere around Rosalie's age. Rosalie, Chuck, and Mike watch the manager, DON, a tubby white guy in his late 30s, restocking the stuffed animals. ROSALIE Can you believe this fucktard? CHUCK What'd he do this time? ROSALIE Don only ordered 16 boxes of cheese for the week. That'll only last four days... tops. MIKE A rabies-infected wombat could do his job better. A TWEEN BOY stands next to the glass prize counter and looks at the employees. Mike hands him a random toy.

2. MIKE (CONT’D) Fuck off, kid. The tween boy takes the toy, raspberries the trio, and leaves. ROSALIE Y'know what? I damn near do his job anyways, and Eric knows that. Maybe I should get Don fired. Rosalie looks at Mike and Chuck. CHUCK You have fun with that. OFFICE Rosalie is on the phone and looks into the kitchen. ROSALIE Okay, a hundred dollars it is then. So you'll be here at 2:30, right? (nods her head) Okay, see you at 2:30. She hangs up the phone. ROSALIE (CONT’D) This outta get some complaints. DINING ROOM A family of four -- MOM, DAD, TIMMY, and SISTER -- sit at a booth. In front of Timmy is a cake with the writing: "Happy 8th Birthday, Timmy!" MOM, DAD, AND SISTER ...Happy Birthday, dear Tim-may... FRONT ENTRANCE A bell RINGS when the door opens. Just inside the doorway stands a STRIPPER in her fifties with years of sun damage to her skin. She wears a little boy's cowboy vest, tassels on her nipples, a thong sticking out from denim short-shorts, a belt and holsters with two toy guns, and cowboy boots. Yee-haw! STRIPPER Where's the birthday boy? Chuck pats her back.

The stripper takes the two toy guns out and, POP! POP!, shoots them in the air.

3. DINING ROOM Mom, Dad, Timmy, and Sister stare at the stripper with their jaws dropped. DINING ROOM - LATER Rosalie hides behind an archway and watches Don talk to Mom and Dad. Don walks away from the table and towards Rosalie. While he walks, he mumbles something to himself. He walks past Rosalie without noticing her. CASHIER/PRIZE COUNTER Chuck and Rosalie stand at the counter. SUPER: "The Next Day..." Rosalie talks to Chuck. Chuck just nods his head, not listening, while playing on his cell. ROSALIE I can't believe Eric didn't fire him. What else can I do? Chuck shrugs his shoulders. Rosalie looks around the restaurant and spots a restaurant-themed whack-a-mole. DINING ROOM THE CAMERA travels along the floor in every which way. It goes underneath tables and booths, and travels past legs and feet. It stops and tilts up towards the bottom of a table. Two little legs in pink and white stockings are seen. A GIRL, 6, sits at a booth. She kicks her feet and looks all around while sipping her chocolate milk. She looks under the table and notices something. She points at it. GIRL Look, Mommy! It's Canadian Hammy! The GIRL'S MOM looks at her daughter quizzically and then looks at where the little girl is pointing. She SCREAMS at the sight of a hamster next to her feet. MONTAGE - HAMSTERS EVERYWHERE -- A kid picks up a ball in a ball pit and reveals a hamster underneath it. -- A couple of hamsters come out of the bottom of a slide. -- A hamster crawls out of a restaurant-themed whack-a-mole. She smiles.

4. -- The entire dining room becomes filled with hamsters scurrying about. END MONTAGE The girl's mom stands up on top of the table and talks into her cell phone. GIRL'S MOM Hello? Canadian Hammy Corporate? I'd like to call in a complaint. OFFICE Don is on the phone and paces in front of his desk. Rosalie is on the other side of the office door. She listens in on the conversation while she mops. DON I don't know how twenty-seven hamsters got into the restaurant. (slaps forehead) I know it's a problem, Eric, but what-(sighs) Okay... Okay. I understand. He hangs up the phone and sits down in his chair. over a trash can full of wadded-up papers. DON (CONT’D) I can't believe I'm not fired after all that. Heh, I can't believe Eric didn't kill me after all that. Rosalie throws down the mop and walks into the... KITCHEN A pizza comes out of the oven on a conveyor belt. chunks of meat are spread across the top. Rosalie looks at the pizza and chuckles. NARRATOR (V.O.) Having failed twice in her efforts to dispose of the fucktard manager, Don, Rosalie comes up with another strategy. A strategy so evil, so diabolical, that only a person who has worked in food service for way too long would ever think of such an act. Gigantic He kicks

5. INT. ROSALIE'S APARTMENT - DAY There is a hamster cage with about a dozen hamsters inside. A hand reaches into the cage and picks up a hamster. MONTAGE - HAMSTER SLAUGHTERHOUSE -- A hamster drops into a pot of boiling water. -- Rosalie places a hamster on a cutting board. fly up into the air. Puffs of fur

-- Three hamsters drop into a blender. An entire contents of rat poison is dropped in. The top is put on and a finger reaches for the button... END MONTAGE INT. RESTAURANT - KITCHEN - DAY Mike is making pizzas when Rosalie enters. MIKE Hey, mind taking over for a bit while I go smoke? ROSALIE Not at all. Mike walks away. Rosalie takes out a Ziploc bag filled with blood-soaked chunks. A pizza comes out of the oven with huge chunks of meat. bits of fur are still visible. Rosalie cuts the pizza and puts it in a box. She walks over to Don's office, passing by Chuck. raises both his arms. CHUCK What the hell? That order is already late, what are you doing? She opens the door and... OFFICE ...Don has his head lying down on his desk. Rosalie drops the hamster pie and runs over to him. leans over and checks his pulse. Nothing. Rosalie does a victory dance. She Chuck Some

6. Chuck walks into the office. CHUCK Hey, Rose, I need that... Chuck sees the hamster meat pizza on the ground. continues dancing, not noticing Chuck. CHUCK (CONT’D) Ah! There it is. He examines the pie. Meh. CHUCK (CONT’D) Looks good enough. Rosalie

Chuck walks out of the office with the pie. Table 37! CHUCK (O.S.) (CONT’D) Your order's up!

CASHIER/PRIZE COUNTER A shiny nametag has the name "Rosalie" inscribed into it. Rosalie looks disheveled while restocking the stuffed animals. ROSALIE God, I hate this job. Mike stands behind the glass counter and smiles as he watches her suffer. Chuck walks up to Mike. CHUCK Whatchya doin'? MIKE Just watch. A bell RINGS when the front door opens. A FIREFIGHTER walks in. Rosalie, and everyone else in the restaurant, look at the man. He rips off his uniform in one smooth motion. He's wearing nothing but a thong underneath. He throws the uniform up to Rosalie and it hits her in the face. The sexy hunk does his dance routine as we hear... NARRATOR (V.O.) And there you have it. Some people will say that the moral of the story is that you should be careful with what you wish for. But not this narrator. (faster and angrier) (MORE)

7. NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) No, the real moral of the story is to grow up, go to college, and get a real job instead of working as a wage-monkey at a restaurant whose mascot is a rodent. (normal) Otherwise, Rosalie's story just might happen to you. The narrator laughs maniacally.


Related Interests