Corporate ninja workplace attire

Yes, these are corporate ninjas. Surprised? You should be. Ninjalistics, your leading provider of ISO 9000-compliant corporate espionage and assassination solutions, depends on the element of surprise. If your target sees you approaching in a black mask and wielding a katana, surprise becomes unlikely. Whether filling out forms or filling up body bags, Ninjalistics frontline operatives should dress in proper, and properly inconspicuous, business clothing.
Suit: We recommend Blackspire & Sons. Their suits resist bloodstains and include integral shoulder holsters (with optional sai sheath at the small of the back). Employee discounts available; consult Human Resources or, alternatively, threaten the tailor’s life. Shoulder: Standard 9mm or .45 semiautomatic pistol stored in shoulder holster. We recommend H&K USP. Store accessories (silencer, scope, cyanide-tipped bullets) in lining of jacket.

Tie: We recommend a distracting color to keep your targets off-balance. Can conceal throwing knife or shuriken. For bow ties, affix blades to the edges of the bow and use as an oversized shuriken. (Requires at least six hours of practice.)

Neck: Conceal a throwing knife here at all times, except during performance review meetings.

Necklace: Concealed piano-wire garrote. Ensure your opponent can’t catch hold of it. Ring: Each ring you wear should contain a suitable poison, in case you are required to mitigate an error you have committed. An ideal ring can also deliver poison to an opponent. We recommend Blackstar Frost Jewelers, which offers well-crafted poison rings with titanium needles.

Briefcase: Do not store tear gas or smoke powder in your briefcase. These can damage documents you are bringing to/from your clients. The smell is difficult to remove.

Belt: Do not attempt to use a kusaragami (chain weapon) as a belt, except on “casual Fridays.” (Ninjalistics does not have “casual Fridays.”) Instead, coil silk rope around your waist below the belt. Use belt buckle as grappling hook.

Binder: Available from your branch Office Manager. Incorporates SenseiMatic Office Supplies clipboard with built-in spring-loaded hypodermic. Shoes or sandals: Brown or black leather. Sandals should be double-strapped, or tabi (traditional Japanese sandals). Heels can conceal a smoke bomb or set of lockpicks, and it never hurts to hide a few more poison pills. Be careful not to tread heavily—you are ninja!

Thigh: Ninja-to (short blade) strapped on inside pants leg. Be careful to choose a blade that won’t muss the crease. A welldressed ninja is an effective ninja! Laptop: Shock-resistant with 1024-bit Blowfish-encrypted hard drive and fingerprint reader. Anti-theft devices: air-raid siren and acid spray.

Remember: Dress to kill!
Copyright ©2009 Ninjalistics. Written by Humza Kazmi. For more forms, certificates, and graphics, visit www.ninjalistics.com.

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