#JASONCITY

1. BEWARE OF BLOG
poets lose the moment

HOMO SAPIENS: NATURE'S KILL SWITCH

Is it not enough to kill our fellow man That we must take his name And burn his land? Should we stop with our cousins Our primate friends and cold blooded enemies? What of the water Can we boil the oceans To cook our fish? We'll use the trees as torches As we tunnel through dirt and rock. Leave no stone unturned Leave no treasure behind.

SPEAK SOFTLY
One day I realized it is just another word I remember a time When I was afraid to say the word love Fear of an emotion Scared of an abstract,formless idea It couldn't hurt me It couldn't even touch me I didn't want anything to do with it All those years I ran and hid Cowered in broad daylight Behind my own shadow Like crack and spit Fall and tumble Whistle and wonder Love could mean whatever I choose For my definition is not important But hers, She's the one who never heard it back She's the one who never needed it in return And she was the only one I could not give Until I transformed her bright lit vow Into a bottomless void Now we lie Now we love

ONE WATER
2 drops of dew Fall from a thistled branch. Raindrops cry out as they're pulled to the ground. Creeks run wild And rivers march south. "give us your life!" Let the ocean have its way. Free your body Let loose with the breeze. Evaporate me. Levitate me.

I'M AS OLD AS THE UNIVERSE
You may feel 23 But in reality You are as old as the universe. Apart from that You know nothing You think like a genius You talk like an owl Fowl Foul Growl Everything is beautiful I guess you know that too

LAST PEACE OF ADVICE
Stop wondering if your actions make a difference Stop dwelling on whether you're right or wrong Stop worrying about how good you can be Stop trying to love everything around you Stop caring Stop trying Stop everything Just be......

WE ARE ALL JUST ANIMALS
Please little duck, don't run away I'm looking for someone to come out and play As I run near, you fly in the water Hands full of bread, not sure why I bother. I pick up the trash that lie in your steams Imagining a world outside of my dreams. I see them laugh, I see them stare Its no wonder you don't seem to care. Interlocked chains yield fences so tall Caged in a trap with invisible wall. Some day you'll be free and we'll run together. Joined again, life will taste so much better. But until that day, I reach out my hand Refilling my love to you and our land.

CHINA
I am chinese with my rice and my tea I am chinese give it all up for free I am chinese with my rice and my tea I am chinese give it all back to me

LOVE IS ALL
Love is air. It moves through us as we share it with the world. Love is gravity. You can fight all you want but you will always be brought to your knees. Love is space. Our mind deceives What we feel as one. Love is all Love is all Love is light. Flowing power Bringing us closer together. Love is life. It can be created, it can be destroyed, But it will always be.

THIS IS REAL
I am not afraid To enjoy sadness

SEE YOU, SEE YOU FALL
Just you and me, on our platform so high At the top of the cliff we stared into the sky. Such a gorgeous sunset, such a beautiful view. And all I could think about was strangling you. To toss u off the edge and see you fall fall from this place. To toss you off the edge and see the fall fall on your face. You never felt it running, the last step you'd ever take. You never saw it coming, the final breathe you'd ever make. There was no good bye, our last words were "hello" "hello and good day, I trust you how so"

APRIL 21
Cause you know They'll be skies Ones we can't even Recognize. Love is out In the air Breathe it in become One with me.

In the night Coming home We'll reach out into All of this. .

Its not to late Open wide Close your eyes Let's fly outta here.

I CAN'T OPEN MY WINDOW
I can't breathe in here This room is on fire Open up open up My windows so higher Deep in the sky My birds bring the light Staying up late Ill turn into a kite Further worlds drew Caterpillar sex shows cast out my pole Into orangutan groves

MUSIC
Ill over play any song that tastes better than sucking on a dandy lion stem. How good is the river? Let me ask it. This river is happy. Like a new born chick smelling every flower. I can't remember my first day Or feel the sun's touch, I can dance through the trees, and swirl with white seeds. My song is louder than any stem I've ever tasted.

MR. LUMP
I know you're here Mr. Lump You aren't fooling me. Speak up speak up I've brewed us some tea. This body isn't mine In fact it's ours to share.
You're a little bit different

But I don't seem to care.

I've taken care of my body This you will know. A long and healthy life Is only part of the show.

To me life is life No intention to hurt. Ill love you til the end Til we're back with the dirt.

Ring around a rosie Can u still hear the rain? I won't judge nor ask Why u bring me such pain.

ALUMINATI
I just watched a short video on the horrors of industrialization. Somewhere in India a large mining corporation, Vedanta, has been polluting nearby areas with toxic waste. This is having detrimental effects on the local villages, especially the children. But instead of stopping operations, the company was given permission to expand. Many villagers developed untreatable skin conditions. Many children born with birth defects. These were a very simple people who lived with nature. That was all they had, and it was all they needed. But it was all taken away. Not by Vedanta, not by the corrupt officials, but by everyone who ever wanted a cheaper can of pop or more electricity. There were no reports of those poisoned or killed. None of us cared about these people. None of us will ever know they are gone. Its time to stop living with no regard for human life.

NAME NAMES
So what if someone is a bitch, if they are closed minded, if they are stupid. Who am I to let them know? What joy do I get in bringing them down? Rise above name calling.

TRUST ISSUES
On a dark gravel road I see a car pull ahead. The lights go dim. Everything is silent. Could this be it? Could this be the end? Or do I make a run for it....Nah its just a couple enjoying the starlit night. Looks like I'm not the only one who appreciates beauty. Start giving people the benefit of the doubt. Trust mankind.

WHAT IF WE ALL HAD 4,000 DOLLARS
Ok, so here me out quick. It can't be that hard to solve the world's problems. I mean seriously, we've been around at least one millennium. Why haven't we figured things out yet? Because we refuse to think? No, because we refuse to act. We all have good ideas, it's just we're all afraid to act. We'd rather someone else did. Some people can't even handle making a decision, let alone...and some people don't know how to calm down and refocus. Anyways, let me tell you how to get rid of all our problems. We have all the elementary teachers in the world start teaching kids that money is bad and only inferior beings use it. When these kids grow up, they will completely shun all the money users from society. It will be great.

LISTEN
Some say it's impossible to help everyone. Don't block out the naysayers, they need help to.

WITH EASE
It seems to me that I am living the best life on the planet Farewell, farewell

PLUG IN
I can't wait until earths entire population has internet access. Every human being connected. I thought what I felt was passion, every clip of children slaves or bombing villages. Every activist and war crime. How do you think they will feel when they see how we live? Power up.

THIS PLACE
I think about this place. Instead of bypassing all the beauty I pull over just to roll in the grass. We run together on our new playground. No gossip No slander No lies No deceit We have nothing to hide And no reason to wait. Words will not be spoke. But pure passion will circulate As we swim in this blue sky. Nothing matters We love this place

WE ARE THE WORST OF ANIMALS
I am not a fucking fence. Do not treat me like a cage. How do you feel, when a stranger walks up to you and slits your genitalia. What would you do, if you saw your mother slaughtered, not knowing it was only to be sold to feed that fattest of the land? Would you rise up then? Or would you wait til it was your turn?

THE ONLY REASON I'D GET MARRIED IS TO HAVE TOTAL CONTROL OF THE PLAYLIST

Our Song: Idioteque Her song for him: Magic Man His song for her: L.A. Woman

5 slow: Ocean Breathes Salty Free as a Bird Sleepyhouse Coffee Spoon American Baby 5 fast: I Will Possess Your Heart Mona Lisa Shiver I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone No Rain 5 slow: Transalanticsm Do You Realize Miracles Save the Population Where Did you Sleep Last Night

5 fast: Garden Grove Light My Fire Love it All Shut the Fuck Up Free Radicals 5 slow: Given To Fly Great Gig in the Sky Man on the Moon Don't be Shy Best: Prisoner Dashboard Subterranean Home Sick Alien Greatest Shit on Earth Ghost Song

MY FRIENDS
My friends think it's funny But the funny part of the joke is that There is no joke And that's what's funny

PEACE
if you are for israel if you are for palestine you are not for Peace. if you are for usa if you are for iraq if you are for afghanistan you are not for Peace. if you vote democrat if you vote republican you do not vote for Peace. if you support terrorism if you support patriotism you do not support Peace. if you believe in capitalism if you believe in communism you do not believe in Peace.

PASS ME
For all of you that think its wrong to be full, While others go hungry, Please raise your right hand, Now remove the higher hand, Then pass the fallen hand to the partner on your left.

AIRBORNE
You don't understand that the lightning bugs flickering in the night aren't shining for us. That if a father is told he cannot coach his daughter, you better just tell him not to coach. If a slave is told not to love a co-worker, you better set that slave free. and Every time I look into the sky, it feels like the first and last time I've ever opened my eyes.

LOVER
She slowed by in a dirty red concord. I inhaled a grapey wine breeze. I exhaled never to see her again.

CUPCAKE
On rainy days when I was a child, I'd lie alone in my room, Crying, sad. I knew that somewhere, Someone was eating cupcakes, And I had none. It wasn't fair, I wanted cupcakes! But now I have learned to appreciate The left over water aside our gutters. And to even acknowledge a cupcake exists.

IMAGINARY
Since when did we think it was cool To squish everything we could pick up? Think about that. Try to remember you aren't Your own publicist. Tell her, well I don't know what to tell her Tell her what you want. Don't be careful Live. Love. Your imagination's yours to keep

H2NO
I have water for my pipe I drink rivers every night. Ill flush water down the drain, I stay inside from the rain. With a body made of water, I know it's real important. That's why I dump it on the dirt
and forget the kids who suffer.

PROBLEMS
Here is the problem with humans We complain about everything All our little problems. Fuck, I'm doing it right now.
I'll be quiet.

THE BEST DAY
The free ones tell me to live in the now. But My mind is off with a runaway sunset fleeing with a ghandi sunrise. This dream is all I need to breathe. I've lived so many times, but today we're flying off to vegas just to walk through the desert. Show me the flowers from the top of the trees. Swing me from the sky,
I am nothing more than the sun and the moon.

This is the best moment ever. The next one will be too.

FOLLOW YOUR OWN SUN
a friend once told me she was thankful the sun rises and sets every where we go. she is such a beautiful poem.

HAPPENING
Never underestimate it We are all just fabricated. You can't run You can't hide Where in the world would you run
We're never gonna die.

Why would you wanna die.

HOT
O sweet sweat Quench me of your thirst Or is it me who longs for you? If I were not, How could there be sweat? But if there were no sweat There would be no passion. Easy to say Sweat and Passion Are my new best friends. And we will live forever

Stay
Why would I ever accept a lonely moment in this life of lonely moments?

ENJOY YOUR PLANET
nestle in the grass shut your eyes lay down feel the weight of the world stare at the sun breathe in let the ant crawl up your leg breathe out tremble with the ground.

FLOWING
sometimes things seem so perfect that i cant help but worry its times like these when i need to remember that i am in fact nothing more than a wave

INDEPENDENCE
Stuff yourself with candy Smoke all the joints you wish Sip alcohol or caffeine With pills that make you twitch. Instead of searching through your insides and twisting them around Love love love Find true happiness unbound

DITCH DIGGER
I wish I lived in a ditch. With lilacs and daisies. Tall grass below green trees. With bees and their honey Furry friends and winged buds. What made me leave the ditch? It had all I needed Food water fun. Soft as sleep. I could run forever. It doesn't matter why we left We can never go back

TALK THROUGH ME
I need to change my vocabulary What I know how to say just isn't enough. Is there a language I can choose To help me break down these walls? Because to me Passion is passion. Love is love. All the same feeling Like we are from the same tree. As I write I realize, Drowning deep in thought, Is a moment which we could share. 2 breathes Never apart.

GIVE ME A BUTTERFLY
for every butterfly killed, there is a caterpillar that will never reach her cocoon. for every person who tells me how to live, there is another dying to take my place.

LIVE FOREVER
We humans have discovered the tools to live longer than any other animals walking the earth. We have also discovered ways to kill ourselves quicker, slower, and messier.

HARD TO LAY
As I lay here breathing In And out conscious of all that surrounds me I notice something is missing I sense a hole inside One I've never felt before But it's not a hole I can fill In fact, I cannot even find it I try to shut my eyes I start to chase your smell Your breath Your touch But every breathe I take drowns out yours And I am stuck with an emptiness that doesn't even exist.

WORDLESS
beautiful poems and colorful songs fill my head every day. an orchestra of love and desire crash like waves in my mind. each breath I take is just another scene in a silent movie that is my life.

YELLOW LEAFED FRIEND
A Little yellow leaf flutters slowly to the ground its life just ended, yet it didn't make a sound. This breeze feels nice but it isn't the sky Take a look at the sun, cause soon it will die.

Crickets jump and play, As if there were another way.

Everything is, that much I can see. Maybe someday we can all learn to be.

A rain drop knows its place Be it in a cloud or out in space.

DIFFERENCES
when we see something smaller, we push and squish. when we see something bigger, we hide and we wish. when we pass something slower, we speed up our pace. when we pass something faster, we stop running the race. when we hear something louder, we keep quiet and sound. when we hear something quiet, we crescendo quite proud. when we meet something smarter, we start to play dumb. when we meet something stupid, we laugh til we're numb. when we meet someone mean, we growl and we shun. when we meet someone nice, we scowl and make fun. when someone is happy, we say it isn't true. when someone is sad, we are glad its just you. what are we searching for, in this world full of life. not even a room full of mirrors could make love out of strife.

STAR BRIGHT
please light up the sky with beautiful design

guide me in circles for my last hope of home

keep your twinkle and shine sparkle in my eye

and never forget I was a star too

EVERYTHING IS PERFECT
a deer doesn't need shoes to run through the grass a tree doesn't need bricks to tower so vast a bee doesn't need money to build up a hive just like we humans don't need wings to feel so alive life can make you weary life can make you bore so im glad each day i learn i have a little bit more i have hands that can touch i have legs that can walk i have a mind that can speak but i have a heart that can talk i see you in a flower i taste you in the mist i dont cry with the rain but i smile with a kiss dont think you aren't with me that just can't be true at night i shut my eyes and you take over my view i think of you every morning i imagine you each night for even the darkest storm your beauty shines bright

IF EVERYBODY IS WRONG, WE CAN ALL BE RIGHT
i learned this tonight or maybe i remembered the air was soft and calm the breeze was free and easy the trees were green but not as green as they once were not as green as they should be we fall in love with the reds, yellows, and browns how quick we forget those are shades of the end but really it is life that we don’t understand i stretched out my arms and reached out my body i sailed toward the sun and starred into the set.

RUN AWAY
i have pretended to be at peace when in fact i lay under a blanket hiding in the dark, while the sun slowly sets afraid of mistakes i have yet to make looking back on untouchable past i want to drown in the now i want to fly through the sky no longer will i let someone tell me how to live no longer will i let something keep us apart

INSIDE OUT
every second of your body
won't give my head a rest

you wrap your legs around my torso
I pull you closer to my chest

when i wake to be alone and find myself lying bare
I shut my eyes to take a breathe

and run my fingers through your hair

FOR THOSE FEELING DOWN
every step you've ever taken not once have you touched the ground you've been flying your entire life so don't let it get you down

TAKE A SIP
I love the first sip of cold water, after a long dry sleep. Past my lips, down my throat; I feel the cool stream move past my chest. What is water anyways? I am little more than water myself. A rock doesn't need more rock, or does it? I block out these crazy thoughts. All I really care about is another sip.

LETS ALL BE THANKFUL ALL THE TIME
I am thankful for: The birds and the bees and the wind and the trees, Sounds of the seasons, music in my ears, Apples and oranges, Broccoli and leaves, The sun shining bright, The moon hanging high, Five fingers on my hand, ten toes on the ground, I can walk, i can talk, i can run, i can jump At night when i lay, i know i can sleep, Each morning ill wake, and rise with the day, I'm thankful when I cry and have reason to be sad, Im thankful i love the world, a world that loves me

EMPTICITIES
My bed has never felt so empty These covers give me chills The sun is shining through gates Yet my pupils open wide I'm looking past the white walls Further than the sky I'm not searching for another bed Or even ways to fill mine
I'll be fine with my thoughts

My dreams and memories No matter long my bed is empty My mind will never be.

BLOG
I'm not writing this blog to change your mind, To share my thoughts or ideas I don't care to alter your values Or make you question your way of life Not to spread joy or sadness For we are already aware of both I don't write to clear my head Or make a record for myself. I write to write and nothing more. A poem from a poet A poet from a poem.

ROCKY RIDE
Lets imagine for a moment that we were on a trip. That we were traveling through space on a living vessel, sustainable, finite. Speeds up to thousands of miles an hour. Distances spreading sound and light. Merely passengers, we cannot control the course. Without navigation, we do not know our destination. The bright shining stars keep our dreams alive. The blue skies' beauty keeps our eyes at home. Now imagine a hand to hold.

MY HAPPY PLACE
i remember in the fall whenever i felt stress whenever i felt worry i would go outside and walk in the grass my bare feet would feel the cool ground as i walked, i looked up at the stars the night sky made me feel so small but it was beautiful i eventually would find myself at my special spot a calm peaceful pond pouring into a river i was in the middle i could shut my eyes and be the rushing water this was calming but it wasn't what made me happy there is more to life than stresses and worry there is more to life than rushing streams and bare feet journeys there is so much more thank you for showing me thank you for letting me show you

WORK
i sleep in late and cannot take a long shower my apartment is cool but the outside air is colder my car barely starts but i drive along a short journey to work so i leave ice on the window my heat kicks in as soon as i park i feel the sun from above but it blinds me from below i walk to the front door today is not a new day

SING IT
take away these ears there will still be music even those who are deaf feel the bass of the stereo sound waves flow through us all you cant kill music even when we die those left will sing a song for us our memories will dance on our bodies, beautiful instruments every spirit will sing loud clear and together

TRAVELER
How do i know he isn't walking to canada Following train tracks to a friend up north Perhaps antarctica is what he seeks The great unknown without borders or law Or is it the artic to explore the unconquered he could always turn around Use his covered footprints to find his way home Maybe he is lost Finally alive, with no where to go

WHOS GOT THE TIME
It's time for me to go. Why do you have to go? Because it is time. What time is it? 6:45. I thought you said it was time to go? It is, 6:45 is time to go. 6:45 isn't 6:45? It is, it is also the same time i have to go. What if 6:45 wasn't 6:45? Then i wouldn't have to go. What if time to go wasn't time to go? Then i wouldn't have to go. Then why are you going?

THE AIR WE DREAM
I drink in the refreshing cool mist I shout out the funniest joke ever told I breathe in our grandfathers' story I breathe out our dream we realize we can fly Feel like a feather Float like a boat

FULL BODY
If i were my teeth How could i taste the kill i bite into If i were my eyes The skin where we live How could i reach the hilltop i seek The bones where we lay If i were my ears I could never dance to the beatdrum If i were my tears I could never rub my cheek against yours But we are nothing less than any of them Never less than all We are so much more than The brain which we think The organs which we play

JASON

> JIMMY

I drink water by the gallon I'm more fun than Jimmy Fallon I enjoy sweating in the heat I'm a human, I eat meat Take away my eyes and ears I am more than spokes and gears I stray away from memory lane but when I go, I go a-gain Lovey dovey, have no fear Love dovey, please stay here.

ENLIGHTEN ME
Enlightenment is a caterpillar eating until he is fat taking his time to create the perfect bed sleeping for an eternity waking up to fly away into the deep blue sky

LONELINESS
Solo yoga My hand caressing my chest Stretching Running fast Flex in the mirror Shave? Don't shave Play with my hair Put on a hat Walk across town Fly through the clouds

PEDALS
Take me of my feet Place me in a jar, watch me Wilt away

60 DEGREE SNOW STORM
I'm falling against the carpet I'm holding up the floor wind blows through my window cold rushes out my door what i thought was a free deer is just a dog with a collar all that was once big just keeps getting smaller

all the schools are closed all the roads shut down but the street lights stay lit and the world spins round

trapped in this neighborhood I'm alone every night no matter how deep i look there isn't a human in sight

PACIFIC UNION TRIP
this was no ordinary train the engineer was a composer some said the Beethoven of her class she had no ethics, no code, or rule book but kept her eyes to the track following her train, as it followed her the crew didn't burn coal but blew ashes from a joint smoke filled the sky, an invisible high horns playing whistles steel versus steel power and momentum listen to an unstoppable symphony beauty, too rare and harmonic to be trapped on an ipod or a movie this was no ordinary train and for us in the town this was no ordinary day

ONE BREATH, THEN BACK TO LOVE
Breathe in.

Be with myself completely. Everything in and around me. Time stops. Forever. Feel my face grow, let my body come near. Slow, slowly, slower. With nothing to compare. Senses collide but share the space. Teaching me all I will ever need to know. I am the now. You are this moment. We will never leave.

Breathe out.

BALANCE BEAM OF LIFE
Am i going to fall Why am i so afraid of letting go Of losing ground I shiver and i shake Holding myself up Out of fear of falling But i am always falling under constant movement on the inside and out I never tremble as i walk across the street Why then must I feel it now A fear that is reason for all balance lost

LOVE BUGS
better than a green cotton meadow of lavender fields and silky rose bushes. love bugs in the moment. buzzing through the now

UP DOWN
Keep your feet up Everyday is a new day Laugh Love Yesterday is not tomorrow Outside the window Beneath the trees and stars Release us, set us free Internal Existential Now is the time

LEFT HANDED SPOON
Carrots and potatoes Home grown Mix with rice from the far east This is their introduction The last love of their life What brought them together isn't as magnificent As their time spent as one Their beauty will continue Long after my plate is clean and my stomach full In fact it will never end Just like how the desire for love keeps burning Long after 2 soulmates have lived an eternity

THE END OF SNORING
Every breath is a fight Every breath is a struggle But for some more than others Each breath is a disturbance Constant Consistent For one week a night All noise is blocked out All but one gut wrenching sound Of a young man dying A gargley and spastic tune Of a half empty bottle of oxygen But for a split second A pause in the terror A cease in the fire An exhale of peace Soft and smooth, like the baby he once was Reminding us all he is still alive And reminding me i am still awake

OVER FLOWING
Do you ever get tired of being human? Sometimes life just takes a long time This body, these words, these Thoughts We all live the same you know We all live a full lifetime No more, No less Just one chance to fill it up One chance to empty your cup

BODY SCAN
we are not meant to cross our legs anyone who does isn't doing so out of choice it feels bad and very uncomfortable whether you have balls or not do not cross your legs

WHAT TO SAY
all these songs were written by humans humans just like me we all walk and talk ''just rewind its all in your mind'' they just say it so beautifully at least it is beautiful to me what is beautiful to another i hope that i have brought some beauty into this world not to myself for true beauty is shared i am not beautiful to me, we are beautiful

RUN AROUND RUN AROUND
I understand why people listen to music loud. I understand why people drink til they run out, smoke til they pass out. Stay up all night and sleep their days away. We all know we only have so many days to play. Run around Run around. Jump Jump Jump. We have 100 years to feel good. If we are lucky we will be happy for 1 moment. If we are lucky we will give someone the best now they've ever had.

SALTWATER
How could a single grain of salt sink to the bottom of the deepest ocean and feel so alone to think it was the only one drowning?

BE PRESENT
I'm supposed to be present

But what if I don't want to be What if I like to shut my eyes And run through my memories Not like a madman, although some would say yes But like a duck or a tree I find the perfect space and I just lay I find an extraordinary ordinary memory And I just stare Til my eyes run red and wet

WORLDWIDE
Im just staring at my phone Scrolling through apps and browsers I am connected to the world Its all at my fingertips Powering my brain But my mind is cloudy I search all night For inspirado Comic relief Good news or a reason to fight But I care nothing for what I find So the search continues Twitter facebook
I'm killing time waiting

Throwing away all I have For something so simple It could already be gone

ETERNITY
Scroll on my phone Browse the web Surf the trends Check out the news Forget the old Plan for the future Imagine the past Buy some pity Throw it away Go outside Go inside Wake up start over Check my phone See whats new

SMOKE
I have a feeling One of fear and hope That you'll be all i see The next time i smoke

LIFE CONTROL
Instead of saying "I'm constantly running around" Slow down, take a walk Try something new Take a breathe Drift Breathe Some days you will cry When you catch yourself Please don't wipe those tears from your face Filling up with toxins and fat Like a river, weep Wash it all away Sad power Drink water Soothes Sip Now Its over If you have nothing Not one thing to keep you home Go somewhere different Life will someday end Along with all we'll ever know Yet, that never means

I see your face in the skyline of every sunset of the panama city coast
Why do we live as if nothing ever matters? Like each day truly is a new day? Like a healed wound won't leave a scar? I lay alone in my brothers bed, in a foreign room. But that is not why I cry. Tears fall from my face, but the shrieks are silent. As much as I fear being alone, I'd give it all away just to howl at the night. Instead i fear the truth and all it brings. Why do I cry? I cry because whenever I raise my hand to truly observe what I am, I realize i am just a piece of breathing flesh. I cry because I know that no one will ever care about me as much as I care for myself. I cry because for these brief moments i feel alive. I feel like I'll be alone, searching for love the next 30 years. Forever.
I've finally stopped crying.

Why do I write I write to share my thoughts, to make a masterpiece, reflect. I write to learn truth. To lose the fear of spreading it. But honestly, i write so you will read. Why do I do anything? I don't care! Why why why did you leave me? Why why why did you let me love you just to leave me?

But i know I'll start up again as soon as i imagine that beautiful sunset.

I WAS AFRAID TO WRITE THIS EVEN WHILE DRIVING

Drive with love Flow between the lines Keep our eyes on the road Let our mind enjoy the sights Fields of windmills Seeds of green Blue skies will guide us Stop driving out of fear Each ride is part of life, never to be forgotten Don't just run away, even when there is no destination If we get there, we get there; but its ok to leave again If we don't, we don't

BURN IT ALL
We made love here before I can still feel it More than vivid memories Stronger than my wild imagination The love we made cannot go away But forever be joined to this empty room I cant lay down without remembering Or take a breath that wont be lost We have come together close But the silence has kept us apart Our love was a life, setting us free Now I'm trapped in a white-walled cage Crank up the heat Turn on the stove This place can get so much hotter Much much hotter Love is infinite But wood burns quickly, for it also wants to be freed The building crumbles until the ash lay flat Smoke pours into the deep night sky I feel a change in our atmosphere This was a mistake Love cries my name Until the world burns away

LIFE: AN UN OPENED BOOK
A Brave New World showed us we could all be happy On the road we learn how lonely life can be Just like clock work (orange), humans refuse to play nice Romeo was on the rebound when he fell in love with juliet At twilight passionate care turns into a thirst for lust It wasn't about the bike but of his steroids kicking in as we cheered him across the finish line Who speaks for the lorax, who speaks for the trees 3 cups of tea tastes better than the sound of 300 abandoned schools The bible starts with creation, but life doesn't end with our demise.

SEA OF SOUND AND STRANGERS
Each crowd i gather round Keeps me on the outside Foreign convos fill my head I am irrelevant and should disappear No need to escape, already invisible Immersed in a sea of sound and strangers There wont be a picture to show i was there Not one person wanted to dance

OUR FUTURE
Broccoli fields Dandy lion dreams At home on a mountain Surfing jet streams Feathers afloat Deer running free Trapped in a forest All covered in green No such thing as rich No such thing as poor Good language and bad Are used no more We are through with names Through with games And shames Everything else will be just the same

the night coyotes saved you from the wildest of
ANIMALS
the moon was full, illuminating the dark night sky but the real beauty was on the ground, in the dirt
I followed you to the clearing

turn around sweet one, there is beauty everywhere look at me look at you finding the moon in each other's eyes necks contorting dancing to nature's finest sound desire kiss me let me taste your tongue again, again, and again there was no longer a moon it was us who were illuminating the universe radiating a moment while the world spun round we were the now

it was here where we lost our gaze quiet silence one step back my stare became a blur another step back all I could feel was the space between us all I wanted to do was penetrate that space one final step back 24 years of courage just to place my hand on your shoulder your whole body was sinking into mine

THE MIRACLE OF BENDING LIGHT
I don't need to write about a sunset You have all seen one before Blue, purple, orange, then gold Gone is the sun's blinding glare Allowing us all to see the stillness of the coming night Yet the true beauty lies in how each sunset makes me feel inside This isn't something I can share, and I definitely would if I could Some evenings however, I am lucky enough, thankful enough Able to touch the depthness of these feelings When this happens I have no desire to write I have no desires at all

I AM BLIND, I AM DRY
It rains outside my window Yet I don't feel a thing The ground is slowly soaking up What the trees no longer need Such fun they're all having Living a life that's free I want to join them, but I can't There's no exit I can see

rainstorm heroin
I sped through the streets Soaken, drenched Splashing through puddles and curbside streams The hard water dripped slowly, soothing my beaten skin Lightning crashed all around There was no fear, just final acceptance I slicked back my hair
Gazed into the piercing sky

My heart joined the race Faster and faster and faster...then slooow I raised my head
and opened my arms, no handle bars

This was the moment I woke up Pure exhilaration from this rainstorm heroin Each drop hit me harder Giving a taste of nature's infinite power

BREAK DOWN ALL DOORS
1. I have a new friend 2. You cannot teach addiction

Of course I know her name But you do not need to She has type 2 diabetes I'm clueless to such matters But apparently her body creates unusable insulin No money for health insurance No money for insulin Besides the occasional handout from a hospital (Which will just run out within 2 weeks) She manages her diabetes all alone

No one understands why she will not buy health But has just enough money to slowly take it away I'm talking about cigarettes Never having really smoked, I'm clueless She's tried to quit Patches, gum, blah the etc. But nothing works Just cheap chemicals driving her back to her killer A killer who she hasn't escaped since she was 10 years old She knows smoking is bad And tells me all she is afraid This woman, this girl Is as strong as she is powerless

BREAK DOWN ALL DOORS (CONT)
3. There are plenty of fingers to point 4. Dope

But there are even more factors to blame Why would a 10 year old with diabetes start to smoke Well, have you ever taken adderall I have, for fun, An experiment My friend was part of an experiment too Except she was just a little girl For 5 years doctors had been prescribing adderall For 5 years she felt like she was watching a blank tv screen Her thoughts, which used to run free Were gone She is now thankful she quit Even though her mind fills with thoughts
That race her every day

I had to ask what that was Why would a diabetic, addicted to smoking, prescribed to
adderall ever smoke meth?

No stories were disclosed about this time of her life Only that this small town has never let her forget it Friends, family, classmates, coworkers, and casual citizens All of them unforgivable

Each morning she wakes up, she knows exactly who she is

BREAK DOWN ALL DOORS (CONT)
5. The door of human experience is now wide open 6. She has no car, no insurance, no car payment

Letting in all the fear, pain, and despair But without an opening, happiness can never come out Peace will never fill the world But remain in our heads Like peace of mind My friend has shared her whole life But again I'm clueless These stories are not her life They are not who she is

She likes to walk to save gas and exercise She has a job, one where she "makes bank" She smokes pot and likes to be with nature But these are just traits And as interesting as they are, do not make her All she will ever be Is a living, breathing Human being With feelings, memories, and dreams Just like me Just like us all

THE FALL
What is left for a white hetero-male, whose shine has finally rusted after 10,000 years Now in a time where gays are put on a pedestal, under a microscope to be ridiculed, dissected, judged and operated on But all that really comes from the politics and experiments are sharp visuals and a realization that true love still exists True love without form Against persecution With the world yelling "shut up faggot! You are wrong' A terrified world, falling deeper into relationship oblivion Where criminal pubescent dreams are happening all across the planet A touch from a lesbian, portrayed on the small screen, brings more excitement than a teenage erection Freedom echoes through the world with each multi-orgasmic moan One final cry to become unbound from the men who've never taken the time or the effort to smell their lover's clitoris Never again will they be subject to a predetermined world of cleaning, cooking, high heels, motherhood or prostitution Sharing a phenomenon that is mutual understanding silences the dark memories of degradation and sexploitation

THE FALL (CONT)
Bring on the revolution from this twisted society, created by men who drown in their own order Flooded is the market, not of dollars but men on the hunt for excessive procreation Top men seeking any willing woman to fuck Sometimes unwilling A paradox with enough disparity to drive the most proper and sane to suicide Nice guys fallen from a building get swept aside into a pile of other nice guys, who continue to be ignored in both life and death, who cannot be forgotten because they were never remembered Whose brief existence is epitomized by shy greetings, followed by regret and creative introductions which are never used but neatly stored in the minds of all the men in this ever growing pile of rot We blame the alpha male for his greed and emotional detachment, full knowing we'd give anything to fill out an alpha body Or just a cock Images of hot hard sex have burned deep through my retina and forever skewed my perception of what women need My consciousness is filled with the wonder of what it feels like to be taken Taken to another universe where time finally desists, screams fill the void and we are all that is left to see the walls shake and ceiling come tumbling down, eyes in the back of your head swallowing your tongue, bracing for the end but never ready for the final thrust, the final grind, until it comes and we fall from the moon and you land right back on my erect cock where I shoot you back into space...Over and over and over again...

THE FALL (CONT)
Blessed are those who reach for love slipping from their aging hands In between a cycle of slumber, hoping to find love in all the wrong places Unwaivered by life's sole purpose of taking away all we know and love Never afraid of destruction and hate because we know they both stem from each of our own inability to comprehend that said fact of life
Our only a prayer: to fall in love more often than we fall

ABOUT ME SECTION
I like jim morrison I'd like to meet him Do a dance to modest mouse With a threesome I'm waiting for a girl who really likes me Loves her emotional self feels her body Poetry's not the truth but I'll take it Don't forget to take a breath and hydrate it You can all play as slaves then retire Just let me live my life and expire Run around, ride a bike no need for makeup Teach you a tantric pose then we'll breakup

DREAMING OF INSOMNIA
I need a fan to fall asleep just like I need a bottle of wine a hit of herbal tea, damina damn me na brings me a cool breeze like riding my bike through a humid summer haze block out the street sounds polluting my bedroom
Imagining a world more than my body

touching, floating around this transcending plane I would do this every day, and perhaps I will someday someday you will join me, like you had once before we will run from exhaustion shut our eyes just to kiss, nothing else feel our touch slow when the earth stops spinning
a dream splashes into reality

a world I become

all the universe swimming in this moment as we float on to another day of wine and tea

STRAWBERRY ADDICTION
Assault of the mind, rape fills the wild void Will you blame me for my imagination Will you try to take that from me Like you did my youth Fat men walk around Eyes up to the sky Coming home for another feast Bringing on disgusting air Poison for their partners I do not understand But that is a strange word As strange as the world I'm standing now, but if you know what I'm going through You must be under me Strange, that's all anyone wants Someone to just understand Excuse my newest habit Deconstruction Of words, things, objects These cars are not real And they will not feel Won't feel a thing as I fuck up each and every one But so many healthy people will cry Spew and wiggle and cry and why? Ridiculous As silly as their kept hair I want to move to a place Where we give out strawberries To people dancing in the streets Friends, friends forever Hey little girl Want to be my friend All our friends have the same interests We can't love anyone else Projections of ourselves The crazy ones see it So they leave this world as fast as they can

Dear Emily,
(deleted) Forever in the memory of three.

UNDERNEATH
I pull the covers over my head With hopes to soon fall asleep I wanna wake by your side Without the lonely drive Three hours of convincing and regret My body cowers from the judgement Questions pierce like silver swords Have you thought of this? Ever think of that? Or maybe my body is soft Exposed like a fallen plum Let me hide from all mirrors Forget sight and sound No more reason for self pity and all the hatred will be gone Are there finite breaths underneath this dark sheet?
I only fool myself waiting for the final beat

INSTEAD I'M JUST ME
I could've been a flower child In love with my own spirit On an acid trip to heaven Cumming to world peace. But now I'd be old and decrepit Mad and out of my mind Reminiscing of better days Watching the latest war on tv. I could've been a rock star, Emptying my soul to sold out shows A voice of a generation, a party every night And everyone would want me. But who would love me Be by my side as I fell into despair Passing out in toilets of empty bar scenes Wishing for my 27th birthday. I could've been a lesbian from the homeland of Africa, Felt the magic of a multiple orgasm Experience the miracle of a natural birth Chasing forbidden love across untouched plains. But what if we were caught Tied together by sharia law Enemies of the state sent to execution Watching her watch me, as I lost my head I could've been an unborn fetus, Not once would I go hungry Or beaten by a neglectful mother Who perhaps someday, if she's ready Birth my brother, to love and to hold. But I want to be held too I can stomach all the pain and the hate Nicks and cuts and garbage for lunch But now I'll never get the chance to feel like I matter

2. WRITING ON THE WALL
Would Jim Morrison have Facebook? Would he tweet 140 characters? Would you be one of them?

IT COULD HAVE BEEN A
DREAM
He gave me a front row seat, picked out my chair and desk, smiled as he handed me my notebook. And why wouldn't he, I was the first one to the meeting, ready to work ready to win. Team work was the emphasis. The room filled with all pros, new faces and laughs. Friends, friends to the end. And it was only the beginning. A woman called me, a groupie or a cheerleader. I ignored to the voice mai.l Rex laughed at me, told me to call, life is to be enjoyed. We are all in this together. Then another cheerleader or groupie in the room, I called her back and apologized. She really likes you, call her someday but lets get back to work. We started with a warmup video on a beach. People women cheering on the jets, rex kept emphasizing teamwork. Teamwork over winning. Then we saw the patriots video boring, cold dry. An empty locker room full of steam. No team there, we are a team. I hear mark sanchez ask for leinart's beach volleyball tournament. I chime in, I'm the 3rd man. He agrees. Our first interaction, success. Now the rest of the team sees me. I am now apart of this team. We stand proud, I wake up. I wake up to my lonely room, dark with music in the back, poems scattered across the floor, missed calls and texts, dramatic. Is this really how i want to live? I've been so good at looking back and making sense of it all. Why couldn't I just be in that locker room, work my ass off and be a new york jet? Career backup and lifelong friend of mark sanchez. Why can't rex ryan believe in me like he does the rest of his team? I will never be apart of another team, not with this attitude. Not sitting naked on this floor, a bottle of wine and a pile of tea lying next to me. Once I run out I'll have nothing left to look forward to. There is no start to the season. Just another day, another day without a dream.

If I get more muscle, will I rewire my brain?

I AM NOT MY SWIMSUIT
do not judge me by my swimsuit for I am not my swimsuit if I were my swimsuit, my body would finally get its fill of vitamin D

I'm not indecisive, just in the moment don't call it commitment issues,
I love everybody

THINKING OF LOVE
just think about love for a second
I just keep playing with my hair I know that if someone were

here with me right now they would be in the moment they would know we were here
I want to dance with my eyes open again

fast and slow gosh I wish it was about you but I must say its not otherwise I'll go crazy not like a fox

the ice cream man is making you fat the ice cream truck is giving me a seizure

LEGEND OF ZELDA
what will link do when he grows up with memories that never happened a world he saved that doesn't notice him seeing his true love atop her foreign castle from his tree stump with no fairy

cowboys aren't as tough as they used to be

ADDICTION
we are easy addicts look at the ground too long even if to see where you step and you'll soon be twenty-four in a small ass town alone with nothing to do but look at your own two feet

drag the women by their hair

CLASS WARFARE
if we were to genetically alter every child born for the next 50 years to, you know, even the playing field, set humanity up for success, we would be in the same situation we are now. if we keep the same 'perfect' standard humanity will be stuck, trapped. if we modify, upgrade year after year the war of dominance will continue with an ever shifting class of alphas

if I only ate strawberries and broccoli,
I wouldn't need dentists selling me toothpaste

HEY GRANDPA
hey grandpa,
I know grandma would be proud of the life I'm living I think of talking to her only to write a poem about it

hey grandpa, thank you for bringing me into this life

math is all made up

WHO? A SMART GUY.
who would walkin, see keys $2.50 sweet Tommy sunglasses with a nose piece missing a few pens, poems the book of life, kris carr's crazy sexy diet; nightly dreams of fucking a wellness warrior a goddess of health; a tooth brush, Kleenex wedding invitations and unsent RSVP letters a picture of my brother and sis more pictures hidden away... and as I look back to see what else was left behind I see my 'stolen' bracelet and I didn't even get to use my clever line.

my penis feels like the cause of all my problems

YOUNG LOVE
why do I so badly want to be my own child another chance of kiddom another chance at a lifetime of peace an eternity of happiness, love and passion
I too quickly forget my life is not over yet!

at any point in time I can be any part of my body tongue, cock, eyes, ears, arms, legs, body, mind, soul, earth, universe

OUR GOD
have you ever seen the sun? look at it stare at it sure some have taken pictures cowards, pretenders the sun is our king and we are slaves to the earth

my system of checks and balances: In secret I am constantly aware of judgement

WHITE
over the course of this summer
I have grown a tan on my chest

waist, arms, feet and face.
but I am still a ghost in the middle

and it shows everywhere

To us it is just light but to them its love To us its our flesh but to them its our blood

PEAK TURN-ON
I can feel myself reaching the peak of sexuality

see how tan I am, my cut up abs
I am limber, I am quick

balance feels optimal, whether 2 legs or 1 my grip is immense and my stare intense still if I run a little faster pose a little longer or just walk a little slower, waving my hair in the sun or night light
I'll claim this mountain of sexuality

until I dive from the top of an orgasmic star

Sid vicious killed the only person he loved

DREAM LAKE
the closest place I get to a beach, water, and young prime pussy and all I see are kids in a dream world and parents going through the motion

We are never by ourselves but are constantly alone Life in the 21st century

HEY
everything is changing become aware of what is important too good babes bikini string tops me walking around in only a towel hey why won't I just say 'hey'.

My mom told me she doesn't want to live another 50 years And people wonder why we get high

SUBSTANCE ABUSE
if you think substance abuse is the worst part of a person's life you know nothing about the person

Sometimes being human feels like a different reality But that's just our own reality playing the same tricks

REAL LIFE
in the movies and best selling books we never get to see the ordinary moments that fill our day. coming home from work to an empty house, changing clothes, outfits, staring at the wall, feeling our body the one we forgot about during the day quiet, silent, head resting on the door, afraid to plan our night because it will be the same as yesterday, and the night before. no, we only see people in action no one wants to be seen in their 'in between states' a state of hope, denial, acceptance, depression, silence, sitting, normal life.

Is this how I go out, a poem about you Would that turn you on Would it make you love me

LITTLE MISS GREEN TOP
Little miss green top Skin like snow Be my new white girl Lets go to the show

Come run with me We'll stay stride in stride and When we get home We'll sway side by side

I like to rub my neck with my left hand at night

WHY?
my body hurts and it shouldn't
I've done yoga every day this week I'm bleeding again.

three condoms sit under my futon a hotter threesome than my visit with the WC twins eh, whatever. kelly was so was erica, laura not bad either. definitely emily. that makes me feel good. it is time but this prison won;t let us dance but I do anyways join the revolution escape.

did I miss something? its dry, cant even lick my own blood whatever, I've got the AC my body will heal now that I'm off sugar
I think I'll believe anything I want to believe

but what happens when I get there?

above is a fake fucking poem

FALLING AWAY
I do not remember if I have tossed myself from up high or if I merely slipped and fell At this point it doesn't matter brave suicide or just another clumsy quick step All I know is that the longer I wait for my destination, the faster my body is hurled to the solid ground Or whatever it is that will eventually counter this drop At the beginning of my fall, regrettably I started to panic I had no idea what was going on, where I was going, or if this is how it would always be This was the most sane, the most right part of it all Then a realization The desire to talk to those who have committed suicide

Babies don't have a past or believe in a future

BETTER THAN ME
give me that cobain intensity some fearless jim plath's prose leave me heath's imagination
I'll provide the will to chase it

Why should we embrace technology, all its done is made us lonely

KELLY, AZ
if I took kelly to live with me in arizona and found hoch and her fucking what would I do? of course I'd think about it. I'm thinking about it right now and I'm by myself in jason city.

Its nice to remember its not all about me

A BUG'S LIFE
that would suck to be a bug in my closet do I kill it, end its existence just like mine will too? or let him reach the other side of my carpet just to learn there are no other bugs within a life's distance die a lonely little bug i don't want to decide

that 12 year old just moved across the street Guess I'm just 12 yrs too late

FINALE
I don't need anything on that table

except my phone which would be in my pocket those poems on the ground have already been written
I'll have a new place to sleep

no time for tv
I could make some money if I sold everything

this wall on my chest will no longer suffice but I will live 1 last time
I never want to spend another night in

jason city

He can be she, and she can be he. And she can be you. And I can be me. You can be me, I can be you, we can be we, we can be 2.

BATS
so many bats flying in the dusk dim light
I have sand in my toes

beneath my nails
I am not afraid of a few stray bats

DESTRUCTION OF NIGHT, DESTRUCTION OF LIGHT

see the constellation begin to form grab my hand point me to the stars forgotten dreams my fingers enrich the lemon in your hair four loko four loko four loko be gone our tongues meet finally, just as we needed unafraid of what tomorrow brings

DESTRUCTION OF NIGHT, DESTRUCTION OF LIGHT

I didn't need to say one word about your sexual appeal

my intense kisses match the stare, the stare you couldn't handle
I feel your kiss grow as my grip comes tighter

we become uncontrollable dominant mammals of the beach scarring off bats and quiet fishermen tonight was our night sweet sweet moments
I have never felt so present

DESTRUCTION OF NIGHT, DESTRUCTION OF LIGHT
I didn't want the night to end "that song is awesome, kinda like you"

come to jason city for one week of wild, naked, outdoor exhilaration freedom

"that song is awesome, kinda like you"

each life is the most unique experience in the universe, our own universe. because of last night, I feel
I can do whatever I want

the best first dates don't start out as dates
I want peace and love

DESTRUCTION OF NIGHT, DESTRUCTION OF LIGHT

I think I love you.

not the love we learned in school or movies or books not the love we experienced long ago the love that left us the stars then a grave. but a love of righteousness
I love your body because its so soft and smooth I love laying in your hair because its fun and the deeper I massage the closer I get to your scalp

which is you, the one I love. rolling in the sand even with our clothes waving at bats
I love holding you

you can have my warmth because I know I will get it back

DESTRUCTION OF NIGHT, DESTRUCTION OF LIGHT
when I came home, the first thing I did was start three poems I didn't want the night to end I talked of bats, four loko, touch, truth, heat, from our bodies in the sand they are all incomplete thoughts of our night together I decided not to write a thing there was nothing to critique because there was nothing to change not one thing now I sit here, gripping the wall like I held you last night longing for the sound of your cries cries of wonder, full of hope and wishes secretly they will come alive alive like us nothing can compare to one night I forget about the dreams, the despair our death our touch I dont know how you'd feel if you could see me now posting on this wall but if you could I'd turn around and grab you one more time feel every section of your soft, warm freckled smooth sweaty body, see how close I can bring you to me

THE DEFINITION OF HYPOCRISY
after a homeless shelter tells me there is no room and they're full
I say that is fucked up, fuck you, fuck you,

what the fuck is he supposed to do! fuck you! hes going to sleep on your lawn, fuck you! fuck. he can't stay at my place
I don't have any reason, plus I have too much stuff I don't need, nor want to be stolent

#hypocrisy leave him in the shelter's yard fast asleep

SURVIVAL
judgement is a form of natural evolution birds fly away at the presence of the most gentle human. oak tree leaves flutter in the wind to no one else's rhythm but their own each saying, 'let me live, feel my beauty' unknowing they are part of something so much more survival is not beauty

DESIRES
muscles want to talk talkers dream of muscles all want domination the desire for love

MASTERS OF FINE ARTS

- POETRY APPLICANT

I'm having trouble writing a poem about how I don't want some fine arts, professor jabroni telling me I don't know how to use a fucking comma.

LET FREEDOM REIGN
whenever I start to make a decision, my open mind starts to do summer saults and sweet 360s. every angle is put under a microscope and glanced at for a brief second but in that moment I see the potential of a lifetime an event that I've been waiting for. giving me a connection to the universe allowing me to free the fish wires that are chained to every person I've ever met a slave to everyone's desires but my own. a mind reader whose illiteracy keeps me from ever getting to know the truth about a real person. not something I put on Facebook or post on a blog. not their hobbies or interests. but a universal connection to a real person. until then everyone is my master, pulling those wires all over the world from the cancer of my mind. but these tugs and pulls, restless decisions will all be worth it to free myself and free my new love from the wires I reign.

HERE GRANDPA, READ THIS
would it be worth an eighty year olds' time to read the vagina monologues? would it change his life forever? would it change his memory forever?

LIFE
I know life won't always feel as perfect. I have been here before, floating above my body. staring at a place in the sky.

but for just as long, I've stared at my own 2 feet. letting life happen all around me. but I kept following my feet, and knew I'd be ok. life is in constant motion, just like the earth, the rivers, our very existence. no one knows the answer. everyone has an answer with just as many questions. do not let your dreams turn to expectations. do not let your expectations be your dreams. experience all you can. the best moments in life are surprises. our best friends all started as people we've never met. at some point in your life, you could love every human on this planet, at some point in theirs, show it. spread it. share it. do not hoard the glory, but bask in the sunlight. do not worry to death, embrace it. sweat out the toxins. cry. live. find a partner. a regular. do you want to be mine? love and let go? there is too much injustice in the world to do so to love. if you love someone, know. take it, for it isn't forever. nothing is. but love is the only emotion that feels eternal. never pretend to love. all other truths are secondary.

LIFE
is life just a series of stages? chemically we change our mold, entirely new person from your day of birth, from your first steps. you weren't you during your first kiss. sure you felt nervous, you felt your stomach drop, twist. you remember her lips, the first time you penetrated her shy lips to the roof of her mouth. tongues dance. but that was a different tongue than the one you used to lick your last lover's pussy or even the tongue from last saturday. when you reached down her pants only to taste her sandy belly button and a touch of hair. how I wish I wouldn't have shaven that week. disaster. a disaster with no consequences. as my life...no, you weren't the same. but molecules don't make you, they break you. just another reason why I hate science. you remember her moans like you recall your first kiss or yesterday's apple. that is who you are. that is who we are. feelings, sounds, senses, memories. I know how I feel when I see my body, touch it. smooth? for now. tan for a few more months. sexy. that is an idea. a feeling. there are girls I've never seen that I would fuck right now. I hope to meet them all. love everyone you meet! why not, no harm could come. that is what I love most about myself. but I want to stay myself.
I don't want to forget. I don't want to hate.

never again <3

GARAGE
I have the power to be aware I could be that hammer I could be that mallet on the wall That rake, that shovel Instead of hanging myself I have the power to be myself Any universal complaints become obsolete A hammer will never fall in love A mallet will never be loved No rake nor a shovel Will ever abandon all process and life guidance Just to fall in love with another lawn ornament A tool A guide An angel A butterfly A mermaid

ZACH, ONE MORE BIG THANKS
If my best friend Wouldn't have died in a crash A crash he committed Because of his drinking habit I'd drive across Iowa Just for a few hours with you I wouldn't think for a second That I'd become him too So I'm lucky to learn a lesson Even though I love you so Who'll know why he was driving Maybe we both would do it all Anything necessary for the love of our life Just so she knows That she's all we think about Even when away On the dive On the drive <3 Please love me tomorrow

JASON CITY
the journey is always more satisfying than the end just like the song by jim morrison the greatest song ever if only it would last forever constantly playing in the background of my life but just like all our friends this song and all the rest just end goodbye jason city? my secret lover affair where I would stay forever if I had just one best friend jesus if I had a few lovers even I'd stay forever the peace freedom anonymity this lake but I'm the only one here is that so bad? why do humans like water so much anyways? so many questions if only we’d let that concept go would this place be better if it were full of 20 somethings naked free?I think so but it is as is and honestly is not so bad the sun cooks me the water keeps me cool sweat fills the in between if only I could paint that way art of the now. the real dying leaves of yellow and brown holes marks of another fallen creature and soon the darkened sun there is no way to live forever but I have yet to learn how to live now and so I will leave without saying goodbye even this poem I can't seem to end

JASON CITY
as I walk across the lake falling, splashing losing balance on wet ivy rocks I remember its ok to get wet be dirty there is no reason to be afraid ah (sigh) (breath) the wind how fast the world must be moving if just the air has such an impact every step I take is another explosion destroying everything that once was imagine a bomb being caught in a mess brought on by outsiders I do not judge the bomber for I believe even those pulling the trigger have no idea what they are really doing no one does what is it about seeing things from another perspective I climb to the top of a cliff just to see where I once sat now I'm wondering if I'll ever know how it would feel to fall right back down not to jump or to slip but just lean maybe with a sudden breeze right off the edge...a few seconds of freedom ...one moment no more goodbyes but even then it would not be over life will never end this is beautiful I wish I didn't have to write it out using human, english words and grammar I'd prefer someone be by my side “look, the golden leaves, I like how they flutter” and now we both do we both feel the beauty but I continue on as one who am I kidding I like how I feel when I'm fucked people don't do it cuz it sucks haha taking a deep breathe taking a deep sip if I had a lover a partner, to do it all just doing what I do and her herself but it matches we do each other we’re just fucked up all the time together how awesome that's all I want the end.

WEDDING
he goes left she goes to the right the beautiful wife mixes in out of sight trumpets blare sounds of our god no one really cares keep your peace, then applaud do we remember what love means hear stories of jesus, more about flesh what about the hatred times where everything is a fucking mess not one soul is present just a reminder or a hope but all our bodies need is a little shorter rope

Naked yoga

A WRINKLED SMILE
The gray lady sits at beaches' end Staring blankly into nothing Feeling broken, old Dry and caggely The tide rises A wave brushes her foot She smiled And so did I

Such happiness with family, yet the pull to want my own family

JATLANTIC CITY
atlantic city, the coast where the edge of sanity and the border of humanity crash like waves under the board walk, beneath towering hotel casinos. resorts, get-aways. one stretch of decency in the middle of america’s broken back. capitalism’s definition. donald trump’s legacy. where humans push rickshaws in 100 degree heat, push them three to thirteen blocks through the crowded rickshaw lane, enticing vacationers at every exit, it is a negotiation table, a race track. all the way through the night until the police escort them north, out of sight to the sleeping beauties, creating an optimal view from resort windows to the pitch dark ocean. but where do they go. the boardwalk is their home, rickshaws their bed. but they always return. new day, new dollars. i once saw a police officer ID and arrest a homeless man under a shelter. medics carted off two men the beach, men who couldn't move under their own power, it was 8pm. im sure they were ticketed too. i block this out just like the rest. any time spent thinking of how the boardwalk was built will ruin your entire vacation. and there are better ways to do that. like unprotected sex with a morocan sister, coming back to reality after 5 minutes with nothing but sand in your pockets. ho, did i say ruin. i meant make his vacation, but not mine. during his escapade i walked the strip only to encounter 5 germans, howling for pussy. my code of ethics came out, but they lied about speaking english. they lied until a new flock of women passed by. then finally, “go get some pussy” was their parting quote. i would. i would if i could. instead i sat on a bench and listened to the same song over and over, eavesdropping four blonde foreign brothers as they got off work. hitting a cigarette was the high point of their day. the only exposure i had to ‘pussy’ or girls on this trip were uneventfully mind boasting and ultimately let downs. the first day, at 11am, three drunk girls told me i looked like russel brand. i haven't shaved since. one girl bought me a drink, a drink i immediately spilt on her. whatever. i danced with a teacher from boston but once i hinted at staying with my parents she stopped letting me grind her thighs. i was all over the other half of the morocan sisters, this one spoke english which i thought would have made it easier for a seaside invite. guess not. no luck or even a glimpse the rest of the trip. as consolation, i drank cheap and freely. jamming to a pop cover band. this girl, screamed, in hopes of reaching that sweet sensual note. did she really think she was katy perry? like i thought i was russel brand? my mind raced on this idea all night. who was this girl? she had more guts, much more gumption than me. living a fairy tale life, chasing whatever dreams were truly left her own. did she see me in the crowd of fifteen? if we would have locked eyes just once, we could have locked hips all night....an all night extravaganza began. i even ditched my brother. i needed to be alone with my incompetence, like poems and journaling would eliminate the pain. i began to judge everything and everyone. preps with combed hair making the final move for a pickup. grunge, dirty heads knocking over drinks. at 330 the music stopped and the lovers all went home. but the drunks kept coming. shots til 5 am. shots at 5am. but who was i. the loneliest man in an all night bar, stealing drinks as patrons went home. ½ full, ice melted, i didn't care. but my goal of a new jersey sunrise was slipping away, dozing off. so i took a walk. but didn't make it a step out the doorway. even under the casino gate, heavy drops of rain splashed my backside. whatever. i sat it out. waited through a homosexual looking for my load in his mouth. a homeless man needing bus fare. i gave nothing. i had nothing.

JATLANTIC CITY
but this rain was really cooling, and brought me some slight peace. rain was extra extraordinary on the board walk. my first night, atop the twenty-sixth floor, i sat on our windowsill. my mind was full, my parents arguing, but i zoned it all out. life doesn't hand out as many cinematic moments as we of the big screen generation would expect. but from my high perch with a perfect angle of beach and landscape, the raindrops fell in slow motion, almost pausing as they passed my level. i feel like diving. all i wanted, i could not have. ever...half past 5am, tonight’s rain deceased and i ventured beachside. i walked past gamblers stinking of coffee, even saw one man asleep at a machine. the boardwalk was empty but a few stray cats, bums on benches and hundreds of seagulls circling the dimmed casino strobe lights. when i hit the beach i was alone, but not like at the bar. no one was in sight, but this was all i could've hoped for. i was finally myself. removed sandals, goodbye shirt. the sand was cold, the ocean was freezing. but only at first touch. there was no sun, just gray. gray ocean, gray sand at my feet, gray clouds in the sky. my stare meshed them all into one. suddenly, bolts of lightning filled the landscape. this was nothing I've ever seen or could imagine. a few miles out was more danger than ill ever experience. chaos. no rules or judgments. finally. freedom. i don't care if a lightning filled sky was the best part of my trip. or even knew if it was. jumping waves, diving white caps, kicking like a dolphin with special identity disorder, just to ride it back effortlessly. or escape the prison of waves and float in no man’s land. i saw my sister swimming, drifting. she could’ve gone all the way. i was scared but accepting. the scariest part. i refused to be adult, to tell her what to do. a life guard did instead. my brother and i connected (i finally told him about our one life and who cares about the rest. so he can thank me for his morocan friend) through brew, tv, and steam. beach runs and yoga. somethings cant be captured on paper. im glad those things exist. and even though i did stuff myself at the seafood buffet, i acknowledged the waitress who’s never had the crab. i dismissed and ignored all complaints of our ‘ghetto’, broken down resort. a broken elevator only kills you if you get in it, not if you take the steps. you want ghetto, walk five minutes opposite the ocean (or travel to 1930 germany). i shopped a little but didn't gamble. some how this makes me feel a lot better. a ridiculous notion. and all the worry of my mom and dad went away when i saw them hugging in the depths of each wave. that was really all i wanted. leaving them be felt right. there were a thousand girls on the boardwalk, i searched eye contact for each one. not known for art, i fell in love with the scene. lineup all the body art a beautiful canvas of flesh. the final night i was back in the window sill. looking down at the fun i wouldn't enjoy. past the boardwalk to the beach, where i found an orange and a lesbian couple. farther to the pier, where I’d run just to catch a burst of cool ocean current, a homeless commune where i left the orange. all the way back up to my resort, the very view i craved to dive into. but now all i could think about was how id play it next time, for a better trip, ethically and to find a girl to fuck. i dreamt of a poem i knew id write, a masterpiece epitomizing the conflict of atlantic city. a reflection to pretend i had more or less fun than i actually had. ill never know and let that be my final memory of this chase for the dream.

you will always be much more than a memory

HER STORY, OUR POEM
i feel like sleeping or hiding under my covers let's go make a fort out of our favorite blankets and sheets white soft set it up like a tent i wonder if it will fit in my sleeping bag with me and stay there all day i need something like furry we could set it up like a real tent,camping experience cuz i can use it as a pillow actually too ground can be of soft sleeping bags i need a pillow and at least one teddy bear or something really soft for my stuffed animal, i want like a big really big cushy teddy bear,

HER STORY, OUR POEM
in our tent home we should have natural light so the tent home should be made with light colored blankets so the natural light can come in we will need to sleep sometimes and something that can give us light within the tent for when it's dark but we want to stay up saying stories or laughing or playing games but we should be careful to not burn down our tent home so something natural but good for environment but we're kids so we have to be careful not to pick something dangerous if it is good for environment or idk we'll think of something for right now, it's light so we'll be ok

HER STORY, OUR POEM
yes we might be lazy some days too we could do this in a green safe place faraway like a jungle by water stream and water fall when i am rested i can join you for a while ( i need rest) so we'd go far away so we could rest not be drawn to do things "to do" to be but we would somehow still live like kids, not stressing idk how i'm gonna get there i will need time to rest a lot so all my worries go away i am pretty sure i need it what comes natural for you been trying too hard too long need comfort and rest for many many days but maybe not soon, cuz i will want to sleep and stay with the birds who will keep me company you will come back and tell me your adventures i will not be jealous i will be happy you are doing what you want you, if you have more energy, you can go out and discover the habitat where we are

HER STORY, OUR POEM
i will need food thank you i will have no job except to rest i may surprise you with fruit but you will not expect anything only that i rest which i will do every day until i can come out and you will not be mad or sad or feel bad for me you will know i am getting what i need nourishment in body mind and spirit, and rest we will not know who we will be when we come out of the tent like a butterfly from a cocoon but we won't worry about it we will just be in the moment and see where it Life, Love, Universe, energy, nature, goodness, water.... takes us and we will be free

LAND OF THE BLIND
in the land of the blind the man with one eye is in trapped in hell while all the rest live like a dream unbound by sight and subjectivity this king rules alone unable to share the wealth of his curse attraction is there, but he will not know he uses sight and no pheromones what conversation could there ever be when the sky is not blue and the grass is not green this king will be king, altruistic and ruthless fighting for control, to keep the chaos at bay but rules and construction scare everyone away this king will constantly worry of death and disorder for he alone acknowledges a border to them they are exactly the sounds they hear and the space they feel no judgement, never ashamed chances are we'll go by one name ''the blind'' - given to us by our king but he is the one who will never see we'd trade all our worries just to be happy

ALONE
loneliness is coming home to an empty house cooking from the drawn shutters and closed windows

loneliness is piled up garbage three weeks of three dollar wine bottles at least one for each day

loneliness is moldy watermelon too large a fruit for a one man picnic

loneliness is cum slipping down my torso soaking my skin with life I cannot give

#JASONCITY
how do I feel about Jason City? I think the name says it all it has taken me too long to see the willow, how it wails the wind is blowing all around same rhythm as my hair there is a river there is a lake both have been with me from the start we made it through ice covered winter we were here when the geese began to starve now everywhere is green but this green is not for me nor is the calming river or the stillness of the lake not even the willow whose hair has got me in a trance I wish i could say it was all for us and us for them but life is so sweet when it orbits around me everywhere I look something different is happening even without light I would know I am somewhere beautiful yet there is no way to deny that I am part of this beauty no way to fight that it is perfect for me now it is windy and I feel very good we could exist without each other the wind and I but I'd rather waste my time dreaming of passers-by someday I hope when I see a couple hand in hand to wish them more than just good health and prosperous land but to imagine that they too have all they need feeling the wind of a willow in their own jason city

3. A LITTLE TRUTH
I always feel conflicted. (9/3 10:37am)

If I put something in my body, and expect it to make me feel good, what am I really expecting? Once it enters my body, it becomes me. Green, organic foods from nature make me feel natural and alive. Anything else makes me feel terrible. So why do I do it? Discovery. As soon as something unnatural enters my body, through my mouth, I get upset with myself. I feel fat, slow, weak. An evolutionary mess, a failure. I judge myself. The worst thing I could ever do. Worse than any food I could ever eat. Worse than anything I could ever drink. Worse than any drug or medicine I could ever take. Pizza, chips, pop, beer, THC, NaCl, Tylenol. Destruction. Knowing what really goes into your body is hard. We have the power to feel, we always will. I just need to remember. If I feel wild, I will always be free. (3/8 12:19am)

I had 2 meals today (minus my morning apple). My first was 3 chicken strips, a garden salad with brocoli, carrots, grapes, tomatoes, mushrooms. Add a heineken for a midweek weekend warmup. My 2nd meal was 3 hamburgers, a chicken sandwich, and M&Ms. Why? I could have gotten another salad. It is 6 hours since I’ve eaten and I still feel like shit. There is no pressure but what I put on myself. (3/9 4:28am)

Sometimes its nice to just be able to sleep. Tonight I feel much better. I have a full stomach but not stuffed. I am in a bed and not on a coffee table. But those are not the important things, that is not why I feel good. My father, my mother, my brother, my sister; those words mean more to me than anything I could ever write. My grandfather, although crazy, is amazing. Without him I would not be. I owe him. I owe them all. But they do not ask. Now to sleep, the best rest. (3/10 3:20am)

Some nights, like last night, there is nothing to say. Those are usually the best nights. Mornings like today, I have so much on my mind but not one word to express. These are the worst days. For each, I feel about the same. (3/11 12:44pm)

Determinists, consequentialists, politicians, capitalists, economists, theorists. They all have something in common. As educated and respected they all might be, they all carry the biggest flaw of humanity. This flaw is the mistake of ignorance. Some of the stupidest people on the planet. These are not the only people who make this mistake, but these people do it for a living. I am talking about predicting the future. Even with all of the historical knowledge, data and statistics, there is no way to truly predict the future. Some get lucky. Some pretend their prediction came true. Here is the most basic example: a driver pulls to a stoplight. The light turns green. Does the driver go forward? Logic would say, yes. However, there is always something else. Human behavior, a late driver runs a red light. Not to mention how big a role nature or the universe play. It is time to relax on our predictions. It is ok to critically think and the above mentioned people are not bad people. We all need to make sure that life and love are put ahead of predictions and genius. We are all equally smart. Some of us just use bigger words and some of us try to understand other perspectives, other feelings. (3/12 2:06am) Did you ever think you’d spend so much time alone? Did you ever dream of living a life surrounded by machines? Alone. So alone. Highlights of my day come from video chats or twitter updates. Where have the days gone when I ran outside, playing with friends. I stare at a screen almost all of my waking hours. I need the stimuli. I need human contact. I know there are people in these movies, real people made these songs or paintings. They are just like me. I want to be their friends. Well, they have become my only friends. I want to escape. (3/12 11:28am) We need to remember that everyone has feelings. Not the rich, not the poor or the middle class. Everyone. If we knew the pain we caused others with our words or actions, we wouldn’t do it. I have more faith in humankind. It isn’t about evil or ignorance. It is about awareness. Are we aware of others feelings? (3/12 10:01pm) Tomorrow. For my entire life it has always been, tomorrow. There is no better time than now. For anything and everything. Tomorrow means never. Right now is forever. Please start now, enjoy, live, now. (3/13 9:56pm) Best reality is now. True to each, want to be. Live a life with meaning. Comit to good health, good life. Fin literacy. (3/20 11:26pm)

For the most part, I have been using this blog as a way of talking to myself, hence “qwan2qwan”. Not a bad premise, I do like myself. However, I’ve been pretty hard on myself. I’m doing it right now, but at least I have an empty stomach. Anyways, I have grown tired of people telling me how to live. That is a given. But what I’ve been doing is worse. Going out of my way and searching for a way to live. Like I don’t already know! I’ve been living for the past 24 years (rotations around the sun). I’ve seen people come and go, yet I am still here. I must be doing something right. Chill. Enjoy, someday you won’t be able to. (3/22 11:17pm) It has really been a long time since I’ve written. No excuses, just a long time away. Was I away from my thoughts? Perhaps I was seperate from myself? I know this cannot be true, but I may believe it to be. Nothing is as it was. I want to say I would trade anything to go back and redo the last few months, weeks, days…even hours. I loved kelly. More than anything. I just don’t feel it right now? Is it gone? Do I no longer care about her? How come every time I decide we are through I get sad? The same happens when I think we are back. Its a terrible mind trick. If I keep this up I will never be happy and always alone. (4/7 3:28am) Sometimes I feel bad for feeling bad. When things aren’t perfect or I am unhappy, I can get discouraged even more. I think how many people have it worse off than me. I think of all the good things I have that others may not. Sometimes this helps me appreciate what I do have, but not always. This shouldn’t be. The first flaw in this way of thinking is living a comparative life. There is no reason for it. Doing this takes the focus off my own life, away from things I can control. I have what I have, I am what I am. If I am unhappy, it makes no sense to look at another individuals life to make me feel better. That is the same as a child calling a kid a bad name. Except I am casting judgement on an unknown, from afar. It is cowardly. If I am feeling unloved, let it be. Feel unloved for as long as you can bear. Do not fight it. Reminisce of lost love, dream of new beginnings, but please do not fight the sadness by foolishly trying to bring yourself out of despair by casting down on those who may never have felt love. Do not reason with yourself about what is really important. You are the only one that will ever know. (4/8 8:54am)

Kelly and I “broke up” this weekend. It took 2 full days. At first (Friday) we weren’t talking, and it was just like the past few weekends and how we are when apart. After feeling apart, we came back together and became intimate. We let love take over. Love is all we had. Saturday started out the same way, but then we slowly drifted again. Ensuing our ”break up” talk, was a period of intense emotion. We cried, we held each other. It was something I (we’ve) never experienced before. Then she left…But she came back. We held some more, talked and cried. The same thing happened the next day. We went to church but didn’t pay attention, talked to ourselves and drew on a paper, notes of why we were and weren’t good for each other. We played in the park, just like old times. We splashed our feet in the water. It was a series of pushing and pulling, much like our relationship. Except this felt more real. We knew we were over, but we both wanted the other to explain it, rationalize it, make it easier on the other. But neither of us would budge. The way I’d come to her, the way she’d rub my ear and play with my hair. I knew we still had the love. Is love enough? We made love, passionate, intense. We were all over the room. She screamed ”You’re supposed to love me forever.” Nothing so true had ever been spoken. We held each other again. I didn’t want to let go, but I had to. After our good byes, she drove off. It took a few tries but she eventually did leave me. I went on a bike ride (which was horrendous on its own account). I felt free for awhile, but I remembered what the book “Floating Opera” made me realize about human companionship and social behavior. I wanted someone. I wanted Kelly. As soon as I walked in my apartment, I cried. Not because I was alone, but because she was gone. I let it all out. I would still be crying but a man only has so much emotion to give. I know another wave will come again, hopefully soon. I’d rather miss her deeply, than be a hollow shell of a human. I still love Kelly. As I write this journal, a couple fights next door. That is all they do, at least all I know of. But they keep coming back together, after all the hateful words and threats. Love is something. It is either (hu)mankind’s craziest invention or natures most powerful energy. Sun burnt and tired, I am bursting with energy. (4/10 10:17pm)

Today I saw a gang rape by 5 ducks. For five minutes I couldn’t even see the female because she was constantly under water. More ducks would fly in to join the action. She kept trying to get away. I threw a rock, about half the size of a brick, toward them. I wanted them to stop. But it was just a duck. I was witnessing a brutal rape, torture. But I didn’t care. I just watched. Watched as she finally made it to land. Watched as three ducks flew away. Watched as two ducks fought to keep her down. I walked away. Are all ducks like that? Is it simply because they’re in mating season? Is it instinct? Is it nature? I no longer think we are all just animals. I lost a lot of respect and love for the animal kingdom. On every other run in #jasoncity, I’d stop to watch a duck, wondering what they were thinking. Now I know. (4/11 7:53pm) Game Theory. I just wasted 30 minutes of my life listening to a lecture on game theory. I’d calculate what percentage of my life that was, but I’m sure I’ve already done that before. Very happy to forget that information. Especially since I took 30 seconds to come up with the word lecture. The Joneses, a movie with Duchovny and Demi Moore. Duchovny is pretty cool and must be a smart actor. Demi Moore, she reminds me too much of my relationship with Kelly. I always wondered why Ashton Kutcher, when he could have any girl he wanted, would pick someone like Demi. Someone old. Someone used. But it isn’t about any of that. I just hope that they have found love, and can keep it. I hope that for all. Even rapist ducks. I feel like I wasted a lot of time tonight. Looking for jobs, learning game theory. I don’t want a job, I don’t want to know game theory. I like being entertained and thinking, but movies won’t always do that. This movie did have a point. Life isn’t about things. You can have things, or they can have you. Cliches are over used for a reason. I tried to explain my breakup to my old roommate and I’m still grasping at straws. Maybe I need to admit that I just got dumped and like most other times, really don’t know what happened. That is how life is. That is how ‘happened’ is. Why worry about what happened? If you were present while it was happening, you don’t need to revisit it, reflect on it. But humans, like ducks, are imperfect. Sometimes memories and imagination seem so much better. (4/11 9:42pm)

Understanding Game Theory: In life, we all have to make choices. We are all different (nature and nurture) and our decisions will reflect this. However there are a lot of similarities between us human beings. 1. Humans love #winning. This could mean something different to any person, but no matter who you are, you want to win something. 2. Some humans have a greater fear of losing than love for #winning. This leads to our first separation: the controllers and the controlled. The controllers look to make something happen, to win. The controlled try to avoid something bad happening, to not lose. 3. Humans want. We are greedy. Even if we don’t want things typically associated with greed (money, power, sex), we still want something out of life. Or in case of #2, want to avoid something. Still, humans want want want…. 4. All humans have their own value system. 5. Depending on the value, humans will do anything to get what they want. 6. People who have enough time, energy, and resources can study how other humans go about getting what they want. This is called game theory. To sum it all up, human beings are imperfect and very greedy. They are willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want if it is important enough to them. Since we are all different, we want different things and make different choices to obtain them. Some people live an active life, while others live a life of fear. Both can be exploited by someone who is willing to do more to get what they want. We have cheaters, liars, and murderers. We also have friends, teammates, and saints. However, it will all be a mute point because in the end we will all die. Even our offspring, and our offsprings’ offspring. In my opinion, the people who are always #winning, are the people who live in the now. Whether it be for themselves or their fellow man. Everyone running around, scheming, searching for their way needs to #planbetter next time. (4/12 10:59pm)

Understanding Psychology: We are a brain, trying to understand the brain. There are so many things we almost totally understand, which means we know nothing. At the very core, we are just really fucked up and nothing is as it seems. This might lead one to study psychology, to solve the ultimate puzzle. But why would you want to? Listening to 10 minutes of lecture made me questions so much and really messed with my head. I feel sorry for those chasing the dream of psychology, of the mind. It is an awesomely powerful and mysterious tool. I hope to keep it that way. Live your life, that is the answer to every psychological question ever asked. (4/12 11:20pm) I am finally becoming aware why I am having such a hard time. There was (and is) nothing that I cared about more than being with kelly. That’s it. I am struggling and searching for the next steps, ways to feel better, activities or habits to pick up. But nothing, absolutely nothing I do is as important to me as being with her. I know now this. Even things I used to enjoy, bike riding, video games, being with friends, dieting, yoga; I am realizing aren’t as important to me as I thought. I still enjoy them to a degree and care about them, but nothing can compare. I feel like nothing I do matters, I just don’t care. I want to care about something again, but ill know if I am pretending. Human being vs human doing vs human caring. (4/14 12:44pm) I ask myself, if I don’t care about anything, why I worry so much. I don’t have the answer. Maybe I want to care, maybe I do care but don’t feel the care, maybe I am pretending and living a life of fear. The same fear that brought us apart. (4/14 12:53pm) I definitely need a new hobby or something to occupy my time. And by occupy my time, I don’t mean kill time. In fact, I don’t even mean occupy. Too much like occupation or work. I don’t want to do that. I wouldn’t mind being challenged again. I cannot remember the last time I was challenged. First I will probably need to take a risk, try something hard. I am not ready. I want to start reading books, watching documentaries. Good ones. I want to start eating healthy and working out. Hard.Yoga. I want to create. Whether it is helping another, writing, or philosophizing. Music. I like music. I don’t know if I can create, but I want to try. Maybe if I start to fail at things, I’ll learn it is ok to do. I want to keep up with the blog and review it once a week to see how I am feeling. So far so good on the meditation, well at least once a day for now. (4/26 8:02pm)

I have spent most of my night trying to fuck with this Tumblr, and to no avail. I did play a fun ask game with a lizard queen. I haven’t been keeping up on this journal, but I will. And hopefully I will have more incentive to check back and post more often now that I’m following some sweet people. And yes, if anyone is reading this, most of my posts are boring, long texts. But they are truth. It is hard for people to be honest with themselves these days. It is even harder to find someone to share it with. (6/22 12:30am) Kelly just called me. This blog used to be all about her, her and health. Now, just like my life, there is more. I still love her, I miss her. I still think about fucking her, her on top of me reaching orgasm. It is the only thing that really gets me aroused naturally. (Naturally by without porn or excessive though,stimulation). But I do not want to talk to her. I have nothing to say. I have too much on my mind and I only remember the good things with her. Something inside of me wants to stay away. And that is what I am going to do. As for my health, I’m doing a pretty good job of going vegan. I have had brocoli, kale, eggplant, and bananas all week. Guess there were cookies and doughnuts at an event today…But I am doing better. I feel really good. Exercise is picking up. So is social interaction. Real interaction. I am making friends and meeting people. Maybe even some potential lovers. I am ready to explore my sexuality. Not in a cross gender, but explore my own boundaries and push them. This is the one reason why I do not think I can stay in Jason City for another 1/2-full year. It “makes sense” financially, especially for student loans. And I can handle another winter. But social interaction. Sexual interaction. I am in the prime of my life and need to use the power I have. Someday I will not be in such good shape or feel up for anything. Now is the time. But do I make the move? Do i take the risk? 6/22 11:55pm) Kelly and I talked (chatted) for a long time today. I finally opened up. I told her that as my first love, I cannot just forget about her and that even if we officially end, I wil still continue to live in the past. Because that is what happens. At least in my experience, as I have no other. She told me that we are done for now, and that we are probably done forever. But she needs closure, she needs to talk it out. I cannot. I simply cannot. I called her after work. We talked for a significant amount of time. I remembered what was hard about being with her. She talks to much, at least for me. I am not a talker. I need silence, within. I need body communication. After our talk I was so hard I masterbated on my bed. It was great.Kelly is still the only girl who arouses me. (6/23 9:46pm)

Tonight was a good night. I spent the weekend with my brother Kyle, double cousin Jon (nehme), and cousin Matt (sempy). We all went to my grandpa’s house in our old grandchild town. These are my best friends. I skipped a state award to get here 2 hours earlier. Some of it had to do with $$$ but honestly not a lot. I reasoned and created my own rationale, mainly for explanation purposes, but I simply didn’t want to go. There are a lot of things I do not want to do. To an outsider, an acute observer, they may see me skipping many commitments. Very undependable, they’d say. But I disagree. I can depend on myself, and so can anyone else. They can depend on me to do what I want. Knowing that going in, even if I don’t do something you necessarily want, at least you know I do. This outlook also allows me to let you all do what you want. In fact I encourage it. I cannot find it in me to ever tell someone how to live their life. Hopefully I am fully aware of this and don’t subconsciously or ‘under my breath’ tell people how to live. Again, some people may think that since I am opinionated, I want everyone to follow suite. This is far from the truth, as I am just being myself. I may tell someone not to hurt another, but I feel that is a sense that needs to become the greatest common ever. I skipped work to attend the award ceremony that I skipped. Good. I will make up a story or tell my employment the truth. Who cares what work thinks. If I grow enough fortitude and confidence I will be gone by the 1st of Aug. But I will need to make that decision soon, and the only decisions I am good at making are the ones where I make and immediately act. If I were to tell my landlord that I want 1 more month, then ‘cya’; I would second guess myself the entire month of July, and wouldn’t tell anyone. Or would I? My grandpas was fun. We laugh the entire night. We drink some booze. We play cards. Laugh and laugh, share memories and incites. My grandpa is one of the greatest men ever. I know he is so much more than his current body shows. His life was extrodinary, he was a man of men. And that doesn’t even encompass or touch his significance on my life. I am him, I am his seed from a seed that has sprouted into this world. His existence will be over someday, someday soon possibly. A sad day it will be but I know I will never forget him. The godfather. The greatest man I know. The only thing keeping me from bailing out on this life of work, of time, of schedule, of technology, of fake trees and fake friends is my 3 best friends. Kyle, nehme, sempy. For the past 2-3 years, I have seriously connected with nehme and sempy on a family level. We do what we want, we let the other do what they want. And we still love each other, on an unspeakable paradigm. My brother kyle is moving into this category, even though I love him very much. He just needs to get into the groove of hanging out with us on a daily basis. Most of which is online and virtual.But nothing can ever beat laughing amongst best friends. (6/26 1:24am)

It is crazy how things, thoughts can cloud your head and be all you can think about. Life isn’t on any track, there is no path. We all have dreams, or goals. And no matter what we are prepared for, there is always something out there unexpected, waiting to happen. Ready to throw us aside, let us know we are not in charge.This morning I felt sunk. I was back at work after a long weekend, sunburnt from a long bike ride, rested from an even longer night’s sleep. But there was only one thing on my mind. That one thing was making me feel terrible. Last night, while tumbling, I saw one of my ‘friends’ on tumblr request questions. I asked her this: “hey, what do you and your girlfriend do besides fuck? do you hang out anywhere sweet in toronto? or like go on dates and stuff? ever fucked in public?” I mainly wanted to know what my ‘friend’ does in Toronto. Feeling romantic, more importantly I’d like to know what a couple does in Toronto. While I was writing this message, I was also googling Vancouver vs Toronto. Although, once they started talking about jobs and money I quit the search. I guess I’m more of a dreamer. Anyways, I threw in the ‘fucked in public’, because, well why the fuck not. Here response was unpleasant. And I couldn’t believe it. I felt so sincere, I honestly wanted to know. She stated her response came from ‘besides fucking’, like thats all they do. I guess I was playing light and joking. I can totally understand why it wasn’t funny though. So, this friend of mine, whose blog I follow, who I think is way cool; gets extremely upset with me. But that isn’t the main issue, people get upset with each other all the time. The biggest problem for me was communication. I cannot emphasize how sincere I was trying to be. All I wanted was to connect with someone across the continent. Someone so far away, on totally different spectrums, but make a connection. Love. What do 2 lovers do in your town? Why didn’t I just ask that? Why must I be so wordy, so clever, so ‘funny’? Was it her, not me? I questioned her tolerance to others if she was so quick to blast me. Was it not meant to be? Maybe we are just different, have different styles of life and communication. An unbreakable barrier. But there were no answers. I just felt bad. I don’t even know what about. I really wanted to be liked by this person. I really wanted to have the answer. I really wanted to connect. But intentions are not enough. I began to questions whether I am good at anything, whether anyone understands what the fuck I’m saying. Or doing. Maybe it was just a bad question, or terrible timing. All that matters is for an entire Monday morning, all I could think about was this disaster. This misunderstanding. That is what it is. I do not understand why she didn’t comprehend EXACTLY what I was thinking. And I never will, because I am not her. Just like she will never understand exactly what I was asking or exactly why I feel so bad now. Because she is not me. Communication is supposed to make things easier.I feel better now (8 hours later). I wish I would’ve wrote this during the morning, it would be much more heartfelt and present. (6/27 4:36pm)

Again, crazy how life can just toss you and your mind aside! I just finished a shift of direct client work, speaking and helping people with their various problems. Problems I never have to experience except 2nd hand. Problems I’ll never understand because I am not living them, but pretend to in hopes to connect and better serve my community, my people. Anyways, after feeling noble and hard at work. Another client steps into my office. He takes a seat and we are about to begin an interview. Immediately after… A smoking hot, dark haired, light skinned, girl walks into our office. This girl had some sweet ear piercings and low cut shorts. Flannel. A black tank top. Just smoking. O man. She asks about volunteering and wishes to speak with my boss. I am with the original client, but ready to pounce out there. The beauty is with my office manager. Normally, any volunteering questions get posed to me. As that is my realm in the office. But not this time, instead she goes to my boss. I jump out there, and ask ‘what can i help you with’. We begin a light convo, I say well very cool. Or something like that. Then, from across the hall my office manager, yells down the hall “JASON, SHES BEEN TAKEN CARE OF”…. What the fuck? Taken care of. Wow, talk about a serious cock block by my own boss. Never once has she ever yelled. She must have smelt the hormones in the air. Except I wasn’t done. My blood was boiling, excited, flowing through my body. I saw what I wanted, and I wanted her now. The beauty. This girl was amazing. Not amazing in the hollywood realm, but amazing in the sense that she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen standing in front of me right now. My hormones and wires and neurons were firing on all cylinders. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I’ll never know her name, I’ll never taste her lips, I’ll never penetrate her young, vivid vagina. I wanted to go deep deep deep. Fuck. Now that I am calm, I am able to make a post. But before all I wanted to do was yell. I was not present with my current client. It was probably the quickest interview ever, as I rushed him out of my office. She said good bye on the way out. She’ll be back. Fuck. (6/27 4:46pm)

Today I read one of the most eye opening, heart tearing posts on tumblr. One of my friends was messaged, ‘i didn’t know you were gay’…My friend replied how he never really thought of himself as gay or homosexual. He doesn’t like to think of those names because that is what he was called as a child. Those words are carved into his mind as the evil he was treated as. How many kids are we going to let grow up in pain and sadness? While reading on a grassy hilltop, I saw a little child get hit in the ankle by a frisbee. Try telling a little child they will be ok, that in their state of pain, pain un beknown to them at such a young age, tell the child that everything is ok. It isn’t. Not to her. Words words words < hugs and kisses (6/28 12:54am) Trust. Some people have it. And the only way for that trust to be spread through the world is for that trust to be shared, taught, and passed through each person. Tonight I am in des moines. Tomorrow I will be attending a violence prevention training. I am very excited. Besides the intense and interesting training, I feel like I am on vacation. Right now I am in a strangers apartment, in my own room. Well, at least she was a stranger before tonight. Before we spent the night talking about our jobs and life, before we hit the town, before she invited me (without speaking to me) to stay at her place instead of getting a hotel. Amazing trust. I will be honest. My initial thought was, fucking. Or at least my initial urge. But then I heard she had a boyfriend, one she lived with. Why would a girl with a boyfriend invite a strange man to her house? Because she trusts. I feel as if I have really gotten to know my new friend, and I am happy that I did. Friends are hard to find. I learned about her life, picked up on her vibes, cared about her stories. Still, there was one point where I wanted to pull her into the bushes and have my way. Sexy. Hips. Tits and ass. Cute face, in a black cut dress. But this was just another urge. I am glad we can have friends in this existence. If everything was about fucking, we’d have some very depressed people. Suicidal benders would replace the tragedy of commons. What was her boyfriend thinking of us alone tonight? What would I have done if I were him? How could I live with myself, knowing, thinking something happened? I couldn’t. To see that image, my love riding hardcock or kissing a collarbone, would be too much to bare. Whether real or imagined, chaos would fill the mind. But there is only one counter, one defense. That is trust. the greatest of human tools. Tonight I learned trust. Thank you friend. (6/29 12:35am)

Mvp, mentors in violence prevention. We will not all be advocates, we cannot all work in law enforcement, prevention, intervention. We can all do what is right. Violence is wrong. Abuse is wrong. Hurt and pain will always be wrong. (6/29 5:16pm) My favorite modest mouse song at this moment is ‘all night diner’. I listened to this song earlier today, right after smoking some serious herbal tea in the 90 degree sun. Transcendental. The song lasted 3 hours. Perception. I didn’t know any words but they all spoke right to me. I listened again tonight and the song went too fast. Still, music can be magic. Smoking makes life while not smoking go too fast. And that is why I smoke. Paradox. I am gaining more confidence in expressing my stance on freedom. Freedom from violence, money, laws, norms, judgement, and hatred. Someday freedom will rule my world. (7/2 12:56am) I had a dream…. I was on my way to the reading of my grandpas will. Only 4 of us got a handout. Apparently we were the winners. The handouts had my life, what was important. I only remember a small picture of kelly and I (the one still in my living room). I remember ignoring the picture, as well as the rest of the handout. Everyone was getting upset I wasn’t embracing my handout. There were kids running around. Dogs started running around, 2 large dogs came up and started to attack me. One was barking at my leg, one had my arm in its jaws, ripping it away. Instead of waking up, I just sloooowed down. As I calmed, so did the dogs. Still my arm lay in the dogs vice grip. People at the will reading were very unhappy, and the kids started to run around me. Exciting the dogs back into panic. I woke up… But I was still being attacked by dogs. I was staring at my ceiling but could feel the dogs attacking me from behind. I couldn’t move. I could only turn from side to side, giving me a brief glimpse at the dogs. As I struggled, the dogs morphed into a human. Beating me. Still I couldn’t see, nor move. I finally shot up out of bed. Awake. I ran upstairs, thankful for being ok. I met my sister, as she was having a breakfast with her softball team. I went to brush my teeth and my head was completely shaven. I stared at the mirror, rubbing my head. I asked my sister when this happened, she told me while I was in bed. I couldn’t understand why someone attacked me and shaved my head and I couldn’t notice. I wasn’t too upset, because I want to be clean shaven. Then I saw a little mullet, in the back. Unclean and I didn’t like it one bit. I finally shot up. Finally awake. Really. (7/2 9:34am)

I don’t talk about what I’m doing right now. Gayngs: “The Last Prom on Earth” (listening on Last.fm) Good song, I really like this band. The slideshow is showing pictures of concerts, parties, and a cartoon drawing of a group of 20+ in a pool. Or wooden hot. Booze, topless men and women. Peace signs. I am naked. Sitting indian style. (Funny, i just realized this is called indian style or India style. As a child, and now, still a child? whatev. As a child, I imagined all native americans sitting like this. Now the The National is singing “Slipping Husband”. When I’m not typing I’m up, dancing around. Imaging me, me and all my tumblr followers and those who follow me, dancing, at a party. Best friends. Fireworks. I am drinking $3 hy-vee wine. Drinking it out of a watter bottle. Why? Because I was prepared to ride my bike 10 miles to see fireworks. But, I would prefer to spend the 4th of July with my friends. Partying with my friends. Now Iron and Wine is playing. “Innocent Bones”. I want us all to go to a festival and live. Actually I am not really celebrating the 4th, I don’t really celebrate any holiday. I know every day is the same, that every ‘day’ is just us spinning around. That its all just the same. Things just happen a little different as time goes on. This is fun. I am clean shaven. Its too hot for any body hair. I think I am beautiful. Even the cigar burn on my left elbow. It was an accident, I know. Life goes on. My body heals, and I can feel it. Amazing. Time to smoke some more herbal tea. Back to dancing in 1 Br Apartment. Peace <3 (7/4 9:53pm)

to casey anthony, i want to apologize for all of my friends. they are not really my friends, they are just my acquaintances, members of the twitterverse, the internet, and beyond. judges. i am sorry for the loss of your daughter. i am not a father myself, so i have no idea what feelings and thoughts filled your mind for the past few years. especially when you found out of her death. nothing can bring her back. all you have is a memory, and the imagination of a life for her. i am sorry for the life you are about to lead. honestly, there will be no way for you to live a normal life here in america. i would recommend leaving the country. a friend of mine from Canada hadn’t heard about the case, maybe that would be a start. there is too much judgement being passed. but do not judge them in return, for it is way too easy to cast judgement. too easy to hate in this day. hate runs wild, like a fire. through the networks and is shouted the loudest, easily heard. casey, i don't care how it happened, nothing can bring your daughter back. as sad as it is, that is a fact. there will never be justice. people harp on justice, from their high horses. but if you weren’t on national news, they wouldn’t say a thing. casey you are beautiful. i want to give you a hug. i am sad that i will never be able to. i wish i could. i am sure you need one. and even if you don't, i need one. life is hard casey. i hope you get to read this letter. it is from the <3 i hope you can find peace someday. that you find a neighborhood to live in, that just lets you simply, live. be yourself. you are still young. you can start a family if you want. but if you don’t, that is your choice to. this is our only life. please, live it up. with all the hatred and destruction in this world, consider yourself lucky to be alive. i do every day. maybe some day we will meet. i think you are beautiful. xoxo (7/5 10:59pm)

This was quite the weekend. I drank a bottle of candian, the canadian cleanse I called it. As that was the only nutrient I consumed on Sunday. This set me free. I continued to read ‘the bell jar’. Which I would recommend everyone read. Everyone should read with a full glass of cheap wine or candian sours. Helps you relate, become aware of an existence opposite your judgements and ideas. You will not feel sylvias’s pain or desire to leave this planet. But you will feel that sylvia is a real person, with real thoughts and feelings. Not crazy. Life is different for everyone. But we all feel and think the same way. I had a hard time creating a visual image of sylvia, because she reminded me too much of kelly. Or maybe that was my own doing. Imagination. I write this journal entry but cannot email or call her back. Gutless? No. Truthless. Do I tell her the truth? How I feel, where I am. Idk myself. Why would she care, whether I do or not. Would she? Would it kill her? The truth doesn’t matter enough for even a slight chance of that’s. Another push to the edge. I picked up a hitchhiker. Outside of town on a jason city backroad. He was black. He’d been walking for 3 hours, 30 miles. He’ d been up since chicago. After our brieg introductions he fell asleep in my front seat. His neck painfully bent forward, and slightly to his right. I did my best to eliminate all sound, but my car was rumbling. I should pay more attention to the ‘change oil’ light. Another day. I arrived at the homelss shelter. My new friend appreciated me coming to the desk with him and thanked me for the ride. But this innkeeper was no help. Apparently they were closed, full and locked up. Drive to des moines, the innkeeping manager told me. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck me. I just didn’t say it. I had room but I didn’t, a spare spot to sleep but didn’t. Too much stuff I don’t use I didn’t want stolen. Plus I wanted him out of my life as soon as he entered. I just wanted my karma points. Easy money for picking up a traveler on my own way. I am no saint but a hypocrit. I left the traveler in another mans lawn, asleep. His neck bent straight back over his head. I went to cedar falls to meet a friend. I fell in love, not with my friend but the night. I never wanted to leave. Curled up we kissed under a halfmoon, listening to the locusts under the river dam, under the river streams, quietly splashing the shore. Our 2 body section on this beach became my world. Our world, for sake of emotion. This was the first time in as long as I can remember where I wasn’t worried about the past, planning the future. I wasn’t even thinking of words to say, I didn’t need to. I could say nothing and she knew my passions, my desire. Lemon scented hair. Soft smooth cheeks. Emily. I smoke tea, I listened to music. I played halo with nehme and 52. But I cannot keep that up. I need to go. Life is an experience. That is hard enough to learn. But it is harder to live, understanding this is our one life experience. My hand is asleep. From the booze and tea, to the endless poems. Good night weekend, see you soon. <3 (7/11 1:05am)

A combination of good music played really loud, smoked herbal tea, an amazing night of passion and friendship, with uplifting text messages and : ) made me so happy. So so happy. That no matter how bad this world gets, or how terrible life may be for 1 or 1 billion, myself or all my connections…life is always worth it. If not only for the chance of feeling this good again. <3 In lighter notes. Time to keep getting better and more serious about a few things. Less drinking (make getting drunk a special occasion), keep eating healthy, nature. Workout and more yoga. I missed a chance for some incredible sex because I couldn’t stay hard. I could get hard, erect. But when it came time for insertion, I lost it. Idk. Frustrating. But this girl is so cool. I gave her 2 orgasms anyways. Its really all I wanted. Sex has been confusing. She’s gorgeous. But I still equate sex to kelly. Even though its been months. I will get over it in time. But I don’t want to miss any part of life. Especially hot sex with emily, a beautiful human specimen who is attracted to me, all of me, too. (7/17 1:01am) Tonight I listened to the song For Emma by Bon Iver. Until now I had only heard the song, but some creative prose helped me connect the dots. Now I have an entirely new outlook on the song. I’ve never listened to such tragedy. Now he is a slave to this song and thus his own heart. What is sure to be a fan hit, Bon Iver will be playing this song at concerts for the rest of his life. He’ll be pouring out his soul night after night, to entirely new audiences. Wasting away, with one eye on the crowd entrance. I wouldn’t wish that hell upon anyone. Even with his incredible acoustic talents, I know I’d rather be back row, hand in hand, with a girl whom, if the decision ever came, there would be no hesitation. I know you are making the most of your situation but I hope you will fall in love again someday too, and have sweet sex to a song about another man’s shattered dreams. (7/18 11:12pm)

Fuck. What a mess we live in. Saturday I wrote a poem about Emily, today she read it. She liked it, that made me happy. She said she blushed and smiled. Tonight Kelly read the poem. She sounded sad, I can’t imagine. But my first reaction was ”stop telling me what to do”. Gosh, why did she have to see that. I wouldn’t change a thing and that is the saddest part. Life goes on. I finally spoke with my neighbor, my neighbor who seemed mute, shy. Smoking his cigarette as often as I saw him. His name is Aaron, or Erin. He works the night shift at Wal Mart. I never see him talk to anyone. Is he lonely? Is he sad? Do I want to be his friend? I got to talk with my friend Brou. I am too tired to talk anymore but the last thing I want to do is go to sleep. I just sit here and wait for a 3rd text from Emily. Perhaps a simple ‘lets go’. ‘lets run away’. I’ll be satisfied with nothing, but that doesn’t mean I won’t wait up for one more. I am not afraid to let love fill my life. Love is a rush of emotions, on and off again. Romeo didn’t die of boredom. There is a reason people kill themselves over another. I once tried to imagine kelly and I, fighting for life. I was fending her off, grabbing her wrists while she tried to gouge my eyes. Just thinking of this passion makes me want to hug her. This life is such a fucking mess. If I never have that kind of passion again, I’ll kill myself. There is no point to just drift through anything. But I don’t know if I’ll trust enough to think there will be true, ever-lasting love. Something I’ve never seen in my entire life, but think is my future, my existence. (7/20 12:57am)

I wanted to write this last night. After my run I had many thoughts and felt like I needed to get them down. As if these thoughts are so important that others should read or so inciteful that they will bring me enlightenment. It is getting to the point where I start to question why I even have any thoughts other than to share them with the world. My world. But even if this is true, it is not so terrible a fact. What stopped me from my vent was a friendly reminder of its mere pointless-ness. Of everything. A friend driving down the road with hopes of ending it all. I felt joy in being the one to listen, because truth is so rare these days. Absolute truth. Where life and death are the same. “Too chicken” to end it all, except I was the coward. “Don’t do it, I like you” blah blah blah, passion for life blah blah blah. I hate being told what to do almost as much as I hate making demands. Add over thinking to my list downfalls for society. No one knows what to do for someone feeling bad, depressed, existential, hopeless or sad. But everyone thinks they do. Usually because they are not one of these things. My answer to it all would be a hug. Life may not matter. Hugs do, they last forever as long as no one let’s go. Except I can’t hug through a text. And my mind continues to unravel. After this I had no desire to write about my parents fear of me jogging at night in a strange town. A town of 10k. If it isn’t safe enough for me to exercise, this isn’t a world I want to be apart of. I had no desire to write about giant fences on a bridge. I hope the people think this is ‘suicide prevention’ never leave their bubble of delusion, for they are lost. I have decided I do not like when people yell at me when I’m running. Have you people never seen a man with no shirt? Let me live in peace and I shall let you. I will even let you live in peace if you do not let me. My ears are popping. My ears are now popped. I really like the Appalachian mountains. Nature is alive here. (7/23 10:02 am) We stop for lunch, today it is a crowded mcdonalds. I get the mango pineapple smoothie. Taking my order was a 12 year old boy. Four feet tall,he barely stood over the counter. I towered over him. Sheepish and shy, he took my order. It was a chaotic scene, some form of training day. An old man stirred the fries. Lift the pan, dump the grease, repeat. Repeat. Repeat. If he wasn’t 60 he was a decrepid 50. No thoughts were wasted on which was worse. I feel like I have never worked a day in my life. Jobs are more of an inconvenience, a source of boredom. I’ve never had to push past any limits. I’ve never had to take care of anyone but myself. So easy. So easy for me to sit in this air conditioned van, with a full stomach, and reflect on my fast food experience. Like I have any idea what that old man’s life has been like. No idea how that little shy boy felt amongst the chaos of his first day of work. Just like they know nothing about me. No idea except that I am on vacation. (7/23 1:08pm)

(from last night) I am tired of feeling like a cynic. All I really wanted to do all night was dance on the beach, get tired then fall over on the beach. But that did not happen. Instead every song I heard I felt sad. I wonder how well I was blocking this sadness from my brother. My brother, who was enjoying himself gaming, hitting the slot machines. Yes we shared many laughs and talked for hours as we scouted the boardwalk. But I am not wired to fall in love with my brother. I already love him. How tragic, I care more about falling in love for a night than cherishing special time with my brother. But someday he’ll be gone too, so how close do I even want to get? (from this morning) Our resort window is just like our resort down in florida. A wall of ocean and sky. Reminds me of how kelly and I would wake up and fuck with all the windows open. I wonder if the end of this trip will remind of how the start of our downfall. I guess it already has. Right now, laying in bed I have an errection. And it feels like such a waste. I will try to cherish it until it is gone. Just like life. (7/24 9:33am)

Ah the beach, life isn’t so bad. (7/24 11:16am)

What nice day at the beach. Take away the unnecessary authority of the life guards, a good time was had by all. Me and everyone. The waves, the sand, all us animals scattered in between. Breathing and flowing. I come home to an empty room with my mom drawing a bath. She is alone too. Wine cooler in hand. She seemed at peace, looking forward to the relaxing warm water whirling around her body. Loneliness and love would be a great topic of conversation but I fear any response. Today was a good day. Peaceful. I smoked tea, maybe that’s why. I ran, ate veggies, swam and did yoga. Maybe that’s why. I was complimented on my looks again, perhaps that. Or maybe I just stopped worrying that each step I took was part of my limited supply and instead just felt my foot dig into the cool, wet sand as the waves surrounded my ankle. (7/24 4:56pm)

Today my mom and dad were both out in the ocean, jumping with the waves, together. This made me happy. Their relationship is the only one I’ve consistently been exposed to. Its good to see them enjoying each other. It was even better when I stopped looking for them and just let them be. Together. While in the hot tub a young mom came and joined me. While we were talking I was so aroused by being in a hot tub with a (failry) attractive female, I got a rock solid errection. Even though we were in public I put both hands down my pants and just gripped, only lifting one to grab my poolside beer. I do not know how I feel about this town, atlantic city. There seem to be two kinds of gamblers, those tossing money they don’t need or those tossing money they don’t have. But that is not all that fill the boardwalk. There are people pushing rickshaws for money. There are homeless men getting tickets for no ID, there are men in wheel chairs begging, I also met a def man doing the same. Stray cats rule the beach past sundown. Life is just one big party up here. Thank goodness for beaches and friendly text message dreams. (7/25 10:47pm)

God damnit, this journal was for the present. I’m on the boarwalk. 3 germans whistling at women, I get sick. I walk up to them. “Do you speak engliish” -neh neh neh- Ok. But they did, and they whistled again. God damit, I had fun dancing. I danced with some from no where. But I didn’t belittle anyone. Fuck. I let her come to me. I guess ill keep my beard, but that’s not the point. What is wrong with dancing and parting? These fucks tricked me and I was honestly about to tell them, “girls don’t like being whistled again”…but they ran to a bar, telling me to get some pussy. I was gonna, I promise. (7/27 12:32am)

O man, last night was very fun. I would have preferred not to drink so much but it was a small price to pay for getting my brother to loosen up a bit. I danced with a girl from a country in europe. I do not remember the city but it was a city I’ve heard of. She was incredibly sexy, long dark hair, dark-slender body. A peach tanktop and white fluffy skirt. We danced for hours. Riding and grinding.Waves of motion. Then her sister left, and we parted ways. Forever. Apparently my brother made a midnight rendezvous with this sister. I will let that be his moment, while I stay in mine. On my own I met two male teachers from boston, very nice. Invited me to play beer pong in the morning. Ha. I told them maybe later. Then they told me if I wanted to hook up, this girl was easy (as one pointed to a skinny, pale brunette). She was very pretty, but obviously drunk. One man kept grabbing her hand or putting his arm around her. I told my boston friend that ‘thats not what I’m about’. Leaving this bar I yell out, “party on the beach”. This ‘claimed easy girl’ gave me a high five. She was liberated from a stranger’s grasp just long enough to do so. But he tracked her down. She looked said but that could just be me, looking for any hint of cries for help. Instead I leave. Then I met the cat-calling germans. Where I stood in the street contemplating whether to do anything or not. Finally, I remembered something is always better than nothing. But they claimed no english to me, except “go get some pussy”. Sickening. But whatever. Better them tell me what to do and me not do it than the other way around. Liberation is my new political party. Back to the beach, I need water. (7/27 10:56am) This bar scene. I am lonely, so I will be cynically and highly aware, and jealous. Some 6-5, john mayer looking guy hit on different girls and bought them drinks from 8pm til now, 3am. Is that how you fight loneliness? Take what you can, however you can. I litterally danced alone all fucking night. I enjoyed it. I told my brother that he only lives once and to forget the rest, forget being observed. Dance. Live. It was raining and I loved it. I let my tongue out. Alone and wet. To a band, also alone. But it was fun. I finally met a girl who knew me, remembered me from earlier, we danced. She found another. Now I sit at a bar, with a stolen drink. Listening to the worst of atlantic city, the drunkest. Finally music comes back and I can dance. Id rather dance alone than write about being alone. Listening to hustlers plan their attack fuck, how they are gonna kill it. Can a nice guy find someone to be alone with? To dance with? Fuck. I told my brother to leave. I plan on sitting here until 5 then seeing the sunrise. Maybe ill drop. I miss anyone who would hug me right now, dance with me right now. Love me for a moment. Peace world. (7/29 2:08am)

Am I supposed to hate every male on this planet? Are they each my sworn enemy. I refuse to believe it. But I cannot deny all the hate towards any other alpha, or male with a smile. With a hand to hold and a cheek to kiss. Why must I be tormented by my fellow man. Perhaps that is why I am a feminist. As opposed to being a feminist to meet free women? God damn I hope that isn’t true. Maybe I am just a lesbian with a gender identity disorder. I like to lick pussy, I prefer when a girl orgasms. A female orgasm is magic, art. So much more interesting than mine. Maybe I should start with that, instead of ending. Let every girl I meet know that she will feel an immense, intense orgasm. First impressions last forever. Instead I am shy, afraid to grab or hold a hand. Maybe I’ m just a dolphin, with a special identity crisis. Lesbian dolphin sex sounds amazing. As long as the dolphin and I are human form, flicking our feet against the ocean tide. (7/29 2:51am) I hate drinking, I hate being drunk. But at this point in my life that is the only time I feel any form of liberation. Otherwise its all nonsensical rules, falicies, and norms. Boring boring boring. Someday I will learn, someday I will die. Both will happen. For now I shake in this cool bar, too drunk to people watch. To afraid to go home and sleep. Sunrise, please come soon. Love, don’t forget about me. (7/29 2:55am) Do I experience lonliness because I believe in such a concept? If I forget about human suffering will I lost my own? Life could be a ball, just a big party. Following one expectation to the next with no empathetic thought in my head nor a caring nerve in my body. Life will finally be mine. But I would still be alone. Alone if I block it all out, keeping the sufferers at a distance. Or, alone with the connection. Connection to human experience, that each of us feel the same. That there are terrible injustices happening all around me, yet I am powerless to help. A couple next to me talks of sex, errectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. God damn. I am nothing. Ill probably be arrested before the 555am sunrise. Maybe ill be cool and treat it like an experience of a lifetime. Or ill become dean moriarty and get on the road. Either way, I miss everyone. (7/29 3:18am) Idk why, but when things get rough or I feel lonely or sad; I come straight for tumblr. There is just something about getting my present thoughts and feelings out in the open. More than just a pen and paper. I do not know who follows my blog, but to me its totally public and I am not afraid. When I feel brash and cocky, I update twitter. Usually speaking to someone else, through my mouth. But tumblr, tumblr = truth. A nice lady let me watch her gamble. She left but we smiled. (7/29 3:38am)

A fat black man asked me to nut in his mouth. I said “nah, not my thing”. He said, “awh you suck man, its like not having to eat. Will you, please?” Then a dude came in from the pouring rain and asked for bus money. Nah dude, peace. I enjoyed the rain, its too cold in this AC. I catch funny glares but see stumbling couples. Kicking off their shoes to run into the wet night. Only to remember fear and find another exit. Tonight could be the best literature night of my life. (7/29 3:55am) I think I am afraid to tell the truth on twitter. Just like I’m afraid to dance in front of friends, just like I need an empty beach to sing my songs. Need my own family asleep to do sand yoga. Anyways, I just saw a man palming his girlfriend’s head, massaging her scalp, running his fingers through her hair. Long blonde hair. She was smiling ear to ear. I am so sad right now. Even if it stops raining, what good is a selfish sunset? So much for altruism. (7/29 4:11am) I have just returned from Atlantic City. Home, i guess that is where I am now. It is always hard to enter ‘home’ into my GPS and go somewhere I do not want to go. This place is empty and of course, lonely. But so was atlantic city and the car ride home. While with my family, I wanted to be with someone else. As soon as I got into my own car, all I wanted to do was talk with them. I think I’m also addicted technology, social media, text messages. Any form of message makes me happy, especially from someone I like. Crazy how Emily gets jealous of my blog, yet I go crazy waiting for a text. Neither of us knew, and we still don’t. Life is as confusing as the human experience. My ‘C’ button doesn’t work very well and I’m having trouble typing. I’m also drinking, naked. Before I started this journal I had one hand on my cock. I’m ready for a transitional period, to enter a time of doing what I want. This vacation was fun and had high moments. As well as low. Those moments are what I live for. My ability to feel anything at all is my greatest power. My openness to these feelings (without judgement) is the only goal I have. That and to find a lover, but looking for a lover will never yield that result. Loving life will, loving others will. Be a lover, to find a lover. Now, to bed. (7/31 1:26am)

It feels like a Friday night. I’m sitting in my apartment trying to decide what move to make. Do I drive across country, 20 hours alone down to florida for a 311 festival. I have the ticket, I have the ice, and I have all kinds of tea. If I go my job lies in limbo, I drain all kinds of funds that I don’t have, I risk my shitty car breaking down on the interstate or brakes giving way in the appalatian mountains. 20 hours in a car. I just did that and it sucked. That was with my family. Would I go insane driving that long alone? Only one way to know. I won’t eat for 4 days, only smoke tea with some occasional booze. But that is one of the draws to going. This festival, will I finally make a friend. I have dreamnt of hooking up with cool people at such events. Falling in love with the night for a night, three days of freedom. Three nights of pure anonymity. But what makes me think it will be any different than atlantic city. Where I just lay alone, listening to tunes and sporadic conversation. If that happened again, no telling what I’d do. Honestly it all comes down to desires. We all have basic needs and we all want a million things. But desire, that can help simplfy the most complex urges. If I cannot walk across the street and make a friend, what makes me want to drive to florida? But the people who’ve typically lived across from me have sucked. By that I mean they’ve shown no interest in my activities and eccentricies. Florida, the concert would be different. Wouldn’t it? In the end its not about the money, or the job security, or the back pain from a 40 hr roadtrip. While it kills me to stay put after reading ‘on the road’, the main point of the story wasn’t the travels, it was the experiences. This could be an experience. But I do not have dean moriarty or carlo marx by my side. But perhaps that is why I must go, perhaps they are waiting for me in florida. God damnit. (8/1 6:43pm) Funny how this journal transitions. My early troubles came from my unhealthy splurges of fat and sugary foods. What a sad life that was! Today I haven’t eaten a thing. I didn’t even want to smoke tea or finish my booze. Now I lay on my futon, on the brink of sweating. Still traveling back and forth from florida, waiting for an answer. Waiting for someone to tell me what to do. No directly, because direct orders will be ignored. But waiting for someone to tell me they want me. Like this world revolves around me. The sun of my existence. I wanted Emily to say come to omaha. For kelly to call me back. For any of the festival goers to respond to my request of a carpool. Only my double cousin jon came around. We talked about gambling and movies. Is that so bad? I’m under a constant pull. I know whatever decision I make will be the right one (as long as I get back to the moment). It just takes me so damn long because I get hung up on making a decision.Commitment is the “problem”, not decisiveness. That’s what happens when building a life around an open mind. (8/1 10:37pm)

I am such a fuck up. Peace If you guys don’t hear from me in over a month, be it typhoon or blown tire, either share this journal with everyone or hack my account to delete it all. Love (8/2 1:06pm) There is not much to say. The idea of home is obsolete if you consider it to be material. As with any form of happiness. Expecations? There are no need. (8/15 12:54am) Yesterday was a mess, but a fine cap to my month of freedom, parties, and exploration. Exploration with myself, in my world. No longer will I take for granted my own health. It could slip away at any moment. Just because I am able to push the limits, doesn’t mean I should. At least not with hard booze and painkillers…fuck me. I am better now. Thanks. No longer will I take for granted the health of others. I must stop being so dependent and instead give back equally. Care takers must be taken care of too. This balance must. Friendships, relationships, lovers. Id say mix them up, so we can all be. But I know that isn’t possible. So I say to myself, love each to the highest capacity you can. Even if it is none, to a stranger, or intense to a dream. Let it be real. I still struggle with the truth, except for this journal. But I am afraid to let anyone read this, I am afraid of letting out the truth. Just like how I must be twisted in an empty field to dance expressively and free. I live like no one is watching, my only desire to be seen. (8/21 10:03am)

Dreamscape: I travel down different levels of consciousness, down 3 flights of world. Rivers, trees, flowers, people, just the best. Traveling with kelly. But also BH, smoker friends of past. Non smokers sit back and judge, or follow and join. Each level we gain clues from nature, meet new creatures and find a new state of being. Final day is 420. Friends save me from being beatup by austin, bv, monahan. Kelly comes with. On a bus to secret land. All of us laughing at those who cannot see. I am a hero, but so are others. But school in session. Get to first level, all confused, questioning goal. I grab a dandelion. Blow seeds. Seeds turn into cotton jellyfish and float, swim in air. I follow. We find smoke, finally. 2 bags for kelly and I. But they ask us to stay and smoke. We all line up, more of my followers, heroes arrive. I showed the way. We stay knowing the final levels of consciousness await (like all days before). I take a hit, so does kelly. A judge walks in. The classroom is bahlman’s weight room office. Packed with people. Judge says since there are so many, I guess ill let you go but asks if we are skipping class. A stoned kelly says: “No, we could be in court”. The judge glances, as do all other eyes. Kelly gets nervous and says, “No, I just don’t want to be here”. I feel that, and wake up from the best dream ever. The most realistic experience where I’m talking to trees, on a search for unknown creatures, and smoking…all because I knew she wanted to go. Love. Now I lay awake, in an empty bed. Afraid to go to her room. (8/28 2:28am)

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