Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

How to Interpret Employment Ads
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" – We have no time to train you. "Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will
dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your
first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend. "Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around. "Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control. "Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need
to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in
perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a
manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you
have to figure out what they want and do it.

Tips From Employees To Their Managers
* Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. * If its a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. * Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. * If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. * Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. * If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. * If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. * If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. * Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. * Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell. * Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. * Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Excerpts from actual employee evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiousity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be. 5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to acheive them. 10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 11. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 14. A room temperature IQ. 15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 18. A prime candidate for natural diselection. 19. Bright as Alaska in December. 20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 21. Donated his body to science before he was done using it. 22. Fell out of the family tree. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 24. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. He's so dense, light bends around him. 26. If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate. 27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 30. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 31. One neuron short of a synapse. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 33. Takes him 1 2/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 34. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

You've Been There Too Long When...
1. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro.

3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 4. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay raise. 5. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes. 6. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 7. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get longservice awards. 8. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined. 9. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer. 10. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire. 11. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
12. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.

13. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 14. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up. 15. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital. 16. You're already late on the assignment you just got. 17. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. 18. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes...Could you fit this in...? ...in your spare time ...when you're freed up..... I know you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you.

19. Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get in

January. 20. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving. 21. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection. 22. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". 23. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk. 24. You read this entire list, kept nodding and you understood it. 25. Everyone you want to forward this to has already left and become a company in their own right.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T! 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
Subject: Best "Out-of-the-Office auto e-mail responses 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our Upper management team. 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.) 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of Steve.



No excuses. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed.We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.


Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.


This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.


Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. We appreciate your cooperation, THE MANAGEMENT

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