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April 1, All Fools’ Day
This issue has been prepared by students of Groups 14-Ph and 35-Ph
How to get rid of alligators While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Contributed by Nataly HRYTSACHUK, Group 35-Ph
Scottish generosity A Scotsman, who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone." Discovery of America
Teacher: Maria, please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Now, class, who found America? Teacher: Well done. Class: Maria did!
Modern Medical Miracle
Contributed by Oryna KULYNYCH, Group 14-Ph
Soothening Statistics The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative. The patient turned pale and asked, "Isn’t it very dangerous?" "Yes," the doctor replied. "Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about." "Why not?" eagerly inquired the patient. "Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died," the doctor reassured him.
Graduates Meet -Which clock? -Six watch. -Such much? -Whom how. -МГИМО finished? -AskS!
- What is your favorite rock band? - I love U2! - I love you too, but what is your favorite rock band?
Contributed by Andriy BUTOK, Group 14-Ph
Mom Knows Better A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know? The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
Contributed by Anastasia KOPTELOVA, Group 35-Ph
Astronomy? A foreign tourist in the USA remarked: "I see that you, Americans, have great interest in astronomy." "Why do you think so?"- asked his guide. "I see so many people in the street are looking at the sky with telescopes." "Telescopes?"- the guide asked in astonishment, "They are drinking beer from bottles.”
Contributed by Pavlo HRYB, Group 14-Ph
Good Opportunity A woman entered a fruit store and said to the clerk, "I want to buy some fruit for my sick husband." "We have some very nice sweet cherries on sale for a dollar a box," said the clerk. She looked them over and decided to take a box. Handing the money to the clerk she asked, "Have they been sprayed with poison?" "No ma’am,” replied the clerk, “You will have to purchase that at the drug store." Gender Wise A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh… Killed any?" she asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Contributed by Vlada DIMITRIEVA, Group 14-Ph
Some more medical cartoons contributed by O.ZABOLOTNY
Committing suicide A blonde and a brunette are sharing an apartment. The brunette comes home from work one day and sees that the blonde has a rope around her waist. The brunette asks why the rope is around her waist. The blonde says that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette advises, "You have to put it around your neck!" The blonde replies, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!" BY THE WAY… Do you know why men like “blonde jokes”? Because they can understand them. Prince Frog (Feministic Fairytale) Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess came across a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess was dining on delicious frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
GENESIS: Man’s Life (Lost Chapters) God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.' And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.' And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years. And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry, then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
Pages 5 & 6 contributed by Dmytro MOROZ, Group 35-Ph
She means it! A man is going home. He notices a young woman approaching him. Then she says to him: “I’m not sure, but it seems you’re the father of one of my kids…” “What the…???” “You didn’t understand me! I’m the teacher of your son!”
Contributed by Yevhen LEBED, Group 14-Ph
Pet Shop A customer is asking about the price of the parrots on sale in a pet shop. What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Absolutely NOTHING, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'." Medical School Saves Lives One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
Contributed by Roman KLYMENKO, Group 14-Ph Left: Another medical cartoon contributed by O.ZABOLOTNY
Scottish Family A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in a school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother frowns and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part." Real Coffee A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress. "Waitress," he said, "there is dirt in my coffee!'. "T hat's not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, "it was ground only half an hour ago." Proper Diet A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a carrot up his nose, a banana in his left ear and a cucumber in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Contributed by Tetyana PONOMARENKO, Group 35-Ph
CLASSROOM SITUATIONS TOP SECRET TEACHER: What are you writing? PUPIL: A letter to myself. TEACHER: What does it say? PUPIL: I don't know. I won't get it till tomorrow.
Tragic Fate of Pencils TEACHER: Where is your pencil, Harmon? PUPIL: I ain't got none. TEACHER: How many times have I told you not to say that, Harmon? Now listen: I do not
have a pencil. You do not have a pencil. They do not have a pencil. Now, do you
understand? PUPIL: Not really. What happened to all the pencils? “What would you do if you had a million dollars?” Mrs. Johnson asked the class to write a composition about what they would do if they had a million dollars. Everyone except Fannie began to write. Fannie twiddled her thumbs and looked out the window. When Mrs. Johnson collected the papers, Fannie's sheet was blank. "Fannie," said Mrs. Johnson, "everyone has written two pages or more, but you've done nothing. Why is that?" "Nothing is what I'd do," replied Fannie, "if I had a million dollars." Historic Event Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago? Pupil: Me!
Contributed by Ivan IVANETS, Group 14-Ph
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