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Pursuing the Ghost A collection of poems by Alan Eby All work Alan Eby

Note: The work in this collection retains its uniqueness and initial spontaneity. All of these poems contain the emotions I was feeling at the time. No additions or revisions have been made to the poems. I want the reader to experience this collection just as I did when I originally wrote it.

Where I End and You Begin That nonsense that used to occur

A Consensual Crime To tell would be murder Since she can inflict death Nothing would be sweeter Than dying from her breath To answer would be suicide Since I control his heart Nothing would be more upsetting Than him and I apart

Wasting Away Coins or Rusting All Alone

Im in timeout, sitting in the corner Watching everyone else play Waiting, wishing, wanting, worrying about you Are you having fun? Do you miss my stare? A stale glare from a gust of nostalgic air Coins in my pocket, wasting away Could be used to help feed a nation I save them for the ice cream you want thats sitting in a store Your feet must hurt from running Away The direction from me Give up the ghost that haunts you Ill sit here until they, or you, possibly a friend, calls

Changling

You You You You You You you you you you you have changed

The Sea of Return

Put me in a bottle and toss me Over the cliff Splash Into the water. Into the world The current tugs and pulls Deploy the sails, steer the rudder None, however, on this vessel This voyage cannot be manipulated Accompanied by the sun and moon Both spend equal time but jealousy arises When the equinox shines Sunburned by smothering, I try and die By drowning, yet I float like a feather So I just close my eyes and hope For the shore

No Less of a Man

Stand tall and strong they say The alpha of the domain Their apathetic generalizations are wrong Whereas I tend to cry For you, my weeping window to the stars of heaven To the point of breaking I am weak Fragile are my bones when you speak All my thoughts, wants, and needs Disappear, to sacrifice in your honor, as you please For you, my restless soul slaves away for free Too much it may be, but too little it is for me Dark of the moon has light so bright Even when were blind at night So notice me here and render my fear For having you near never felt so real

Christmas Used to Be

Stockings arent hung because they are on the feet Crackling of the fiery roasted wood shoots embers onto the generational hearth Under the mistletoe lies the dog whos paws are drying from running out in the snow The halls are loud with silence No aunts talking loudly over a recipe No grandfathers bellowing for another drink No kids running after one another Snow rests on the windowsill, trying mercilessly to enter But mother is in her chair by the window, reading the snow to sleep While I listen to the dog breathe in its sleep Our Christmas comes with no extravagant additions, no scents of gingerbread Just the remnants of a once together family

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Melancholy Flower

As I look outside and watch the snow gently glide down and rest upon the ground I cant help but think about you Well, it happens a lot not just when it snows and the idea of being warm and near you overcomes me Your scent comes back and floods my nostrils, reminding me of the intoxication Next, I trace the curves of your legs with my lonely fingers in midair like a ghost *This line doesnt do justice to the way you looked up at me with your eyes The style your hair was always in caused me to uncontrollably smile My ears perked up when you tenderly spoke to me about how cold you were You laying on my back was probably the creation of an 8th sin Then I shake my thoughts and wake myself up I should be angry with you and I should be forgiving with you We should stay without constant contact and we should be friends again Sometimes I have no idea what to decide on and this is the embodiment of that On the shelf sat a glass jar that held everything that you bottled up inside That night Pandoras box was opened You already know what the contents were, so there is no use in listing them Summaries exist for this situation: I wasnt what made the butterflies in your stomach flutter anymore Time was a factor in it all as well But dont we have all the time in the world? Like a burning candle, eventually your flame went out Darkened night consumed the room All my faults were brought to light An index finger pointing at me An honest and misinforming lecture Tears were shed and promises were made A pact of spoken stability Created with future intentions Smoke in my eyes Diversion from what I felt initially Things were said and now things have been done You said those things would never happen and now they have Its now hard to believe that what you said after all of it was to be taken seriously

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Its harder to lie to yourself than to me But from whispering voices, I hear youre happy From an encouraging standpoint, I am elated for you Delighted that you are receiving what I couldnt give to you From an unenthusiastic standpoint, I am resentful Infuriated that you tricked me With respect to the notion that love cannot be preemptive planned (whats next?) or anticipated, I understand However, I do not understand how you switched so quickly Even the Pacific Ocean winds are slower than how swiftly you acted Where did your pain from me go? Seared into my memory is you The memories we made, the time we spent together, and the pain you caused me It all seems blurry, eventually, and yet, I hold my breath and try to cleanse myself of this plague This latched-on pest that feeds off my insecurities and weaknesses for you Save for the most basic, essential, fundamental, crucial picture of you The picture that both calms me and enrages me Habits die hard And mine are armored: Night owl Anti-morning person Too sensitive Over thinking Dreamer of normality Sense of togetherness Lonely Depressed In the outskirts of reality and inside the providence of a perfect world, you and I are together. No flaws or regrets. Only us. Except, who I was once in love with is no more We should return back to August Moon, you say But you need to understand that you have never known me not in love with you So perhaps the dusty unclaimed trail consumes me and you continue walking in shoes that are easily repaired

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Casual Observer

Im fearful to admit Fearful to retract Some things burn And become intact Images I remember Convey to you, Im the conserver Slap my wrist Lecture me, Youre now a casual observer Now I feel guilty For what my dirty mind is thinking Seems that I should shut me eyes And keep forever blinking Questions unanswered Like a conspiracy or fabled myth Goddess of love and pain Do I continue to worship or drown myself in the River Styx?

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Future

I once saw my future In the vastness of your eyes Now I am blind And I dont know why I could tell you how I feel Or I could list all the whys Even when I know In the end, its mostly dry I should just learn to forget And bury what was, we Yet it kills to know youre here Smiling suspiciously I want again the wholeness That branded our simple souls My scar is burning tonight Does it burn in yours?

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Sands of Time

I want to run Where the golden sun Meets the wise sands Of time I want to flee out west Where my body and soul may rest Under the night sky Filled with starry eyes I want to break our contact On the winds broken back Glide to an oasis And light a fire Ill try to fuel this flame To engulf your name Burning whats left Of this forsaken pact I hope the cacti sing Like muses tugging on a string To whisk me away To a new place I believe the moon is here Which will drain away my fears Of you and your ways That punish me, undeserving I want to run Where the golden sun Meets the wise sands Of time

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This Is Not

This is not for you But for what I thought you were A shoulder to cry on To drain all the pain In the end we would be finished Yet this is only the beginning *Oh, I am unsure And you are too far We should try then let it be Did you think of me When that song was played? Did your memories swell Into a bubble and burst? Middle ground, common ground Its all rough terrain *Oh, I am unsure And you are too far We should try then let it be Oh, a Mason Dixon compromise Oh, a bold-faced shy lie (x2) *Oh, I am unsure And you are too far We should try then let it be (x4)

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Shatterproof

Today I recollect And try to piece together my life From all the mistakes, letdowns, wrong turns, bumps, heartaches, tears, attempts of release Moving on a linear path with no pulse Then she came into my life; now pulsing new life Consumed with rage Positive rage which lacked objectivity (I never am able to see) Patiently I worked to ease my way in Her wall was high as the sky But when I breached The air was so pure, so foreign, I became high Our reign in our conjoined kingdom was worthy of note in the history books. Well, maybe only in mine, since she didnt enjoy history The ship ran aground The ship was back on course The ship sank for good Mayday. Mayday. Dear all on board, Im sorry for everything. Im sorry for my mistakes, Im sorry for your mistakes. My belief in us to do what we expected of each other worked to an extent; an extent that we both didnt fully understand. Blame can be appointed but the captain takes full blame. He shouldnt though. Like a socialist society, it should be distributed. Its over now and it doesnt matter anymore. In my final words, I would like to admit I gave my life, its entirety in devotion, care, respect, trust, love, and anything else I forgot to mention that I think is important to bring to your attention. Again, I apologize for my failure and yours as well but maybe its all mine. Im quite confused and unsure. The night is darkest just before the dawn Thats true Unless collateral damage has affected other parts like your overall state Not just from the love, but from the realization that happiness is alluding me Conscious of it, like looking in a mirror

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Medication could save me from the edge From toppling into the cool abyss Seagulls call from their perches, echoing what I secretly despise to happen on opposite day Silent nights fill the loud world xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx| xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx| xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx| xxxxxXOxxxxxxx| |xxxx |xxxx |xxxx |xxxx

Lost in translation or found in myself? If the latter, I have yet to unearth any direction More lost if anything; a compass in a magnetic field The sum of all things miscued add up to a heavy load that relies on my mind to carry Perhaps a change is in order: The plains of Montana Raging seas of the Pacific Lush forests of Washington Snowy valleys of Vermont The historic streets of London Scenic buildings of Paris Rustic air of Berlin Vastness of Tuscany The serenity of Bangkok Advances in Seoul Brightness of Tokyo Chances to create chances Rebirth from Ash The decision is too difficult to make at the moment So possibly, hopefully, tomorrow will shed light on the matter Because as of now, a linear path that is magnetized by gravity, is the norm

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A Secret Society

It once was talked about throughout kingdoms Now it hardly retains respect Many men killed over its code But today sees many discarding it Women expected it to be provided upon request Ironically, today, they deem it odd and unusual When a man treats a woman right The woman stares and asks why Chivalry is dead to the masses Only a few select still cling to its policies In secret we plan to enlighten the world To make history repeat itself

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Late

Im always late Never realizing what I have until its gone As the tears roll down my cheeks Onto an old photo of you

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Hardened

It never was possible Or even remotely thought of Now these conjured accessories have become reality Hardened by hurt And softened by stitches of two Protected now from the elements So close to extinction Until Darwin steps in Survival of the fittest is true

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Give

My body is now empty From all the things that I gave to you They cant be given back anymore I trusted you with my secrets Why didnt you want to keep them anymore? Theyre on a wanted poster out on my door I gave you all of my body You took it like it was money You spent it all on somebody else My body is now empty From all the things that I gave to you They cant be given back anymore I let you tear down my wall Brick by brick, and you caused it to fall Your victory was a conspiracy I cried when word got around That you were leaving my side of the town Who knew what a year would have in store for us My body is now empty From all the things that I gave to you They cant be given back anymore You can run I can hide You can laugh I can cry But you ran, away, from me I think that you are a thief You stole the very core, center of me And didnt think that Id even notice I try and mend my wounds From inside where all the damage is done Time is late for this late house call My body is now empty From all the things that I gave to you They cant be given back anymore

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My body is now empty From all the things that I gave to you They cant be given back anymore

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Premeditated Spontaneity How the wind and I can converse together

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Time

Precious as a form of currency Yet worthless as a method of payment Its abundant but scarce With time comes rejuvenation and deterioration Opportunities and wasted chances Dont ask for it back It only comes anew

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Sawdust Bones

There is a broken man Cracked from no grout in the spaces in between His lack of a beat to a drum gets me all fired up While soft piano music plays in the distance Overlooking a cemetery Where the graves of werewolves are nestled The hymns of ghosts are sung by the zombie choir A horde of flats and sharps With no conductor to direct them Here, darkness commands

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Backwards S

Do it for you Not one or two A backwards S, its true Blank pages, sprawled around A burst of color, splattered down Your own drum to beat to Silence deafens to those in range Of New York bombs on 5th Avenue Barely time to buy your escape Thinking is for the peasantry Cool water to soak your wounds From your nonexistent struggle Youre a backwards S, not out of place Just looking silly

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A Shared Separation

All over the world, people are alone They feel alone They taste loneliness They smell the scent of no one Funny how each individual has feelings of alienation while their neighbor does as well So are we all alone, together?

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Trans-Suburbia Nightlight

It could get lighter Upon this burnt out sun Matches cease to burn No more torches To light the funeral pyres Only candles that yearn Illuminate the forest, its animals eat fast Suburbs calling for the pickup of trash A megaton of candy For the overachieving kiddies Report cards make Johnny feel accepted all along Gravitys finger curling, we have to follow Melancholy desires to flip a switch Life is now on

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Dreams

These dreams They dream other dreams Is it possible That those dreams are the dreams of these dreams? Does my mind want what it already has Or does it subconsciously cry for more?

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Satellites and the Television Monster

This monster on file Tabbed by numerals only a click away Messages of the same style Buy this Sell that Which one to like Those all to hate An interruption from your local broadcasting service This is a test of the hypnotic hypocrite system A little bit of damage in exchange for the dollar genie paying a visit Frolicking in the meadows on top of skyscrapers

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Why Sit When You Can Lie

Put a dollar in the jar The hourglass is turned Soft leather, cool to the touch, burns The sound of pen on paper begins with a line of scribbles Where to begin? Dont want to say This overseer on a perch Observes every movement Careful to not think of it A confidant it says on the desk Unsettled in these explanations Truthfully, the truth will hide Every grain of sand Feels like an eternity Suspended like gravity within a rainbow Pestering to continue Inquiring about the origin More white lies to conceive Never feeling at ease Someone who is trained to analyze Dust has accumulated on the window since last time Hourglass is empty Next week, again Appointment will be under, Pinocchio

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History

History isnt what has happened Rather what we regret What we should have done, wanted to do But were conflicted by outside factors different to our own However, in our reflections we realize our mistakes That if things were different wed be happier, fitter, more comfortable, richer, skinnier, bigger, louder, brighter, faster, taller, smarter, and better Thats us Aside from the people who made today, yesterday They are happier, fitter, more comfortable, richer, skinnier, bigger, louder, brighter, faster, taller, smarter, and better than us

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Neither Here or There This place used to mean so much Now it annoys me to the touch I only come back for air Steamrolling through the streets On the heels of a bureaucrats feet No peace to know I dont like it here, nor there I dont like it there, nor here Stale as a nostalgic tree With branches swaying in the breeze No fake plastic trees here A port of information Invoking a sensation No boredom here I dont like it here, nor there I dont like it there, nor here Somewhere theres a place for me A place that will set me free With lasting love Nowhere is where Ill reside With a blending of suicide I can just turn and run I dont like it here, nor there I dont like it there, nor here And if I could leave and float away If I could leave and float away If I could leave and float away Id live in the sky with Lucy In the sky with her diamonds

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My Videotape

(Play) This movie is a regretful one Many things I watch and wish I did So many people I should have treated differently Those ones are happy in their lives Living a life that I dont feel comfortable with Because society has taught me to look down upon it Whos the miserable one now? Me Lamenting in my own purgatory Floatingsomewhere (Rewind) Back to her face, eyes, pleas, cries I let her go; didnt see her worth Her departure may have been for something greater Hmm (Fast Forward) Opening a book Reading words I dont care for Blah, blah, blah Wait (Pause) Im numb from the sobering fact that this movie is a persons life: mine A sad life filled with regret, melancholy, teenage crush-like memories Broken hearts, bloodshed, death, and a gaping hole in the purpose department No matter what happens, I cannot cloud the fact that this movie will never end unless I make a new one Until another showing (Eject)

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Marooned

On the waters edge A sheet of blue eternity Grains of the past fill the spaces in between your toes Echoes of silence Cries for help Rumbling of the tide as it washes today away Shadows overhead Clouding the view No one can see this oasis from miles apart Spearhead a result Mission to leave this wanted misery Backup plan to create a new home Awakened by some noise Dreaming, in and out Shreds the first note to pieces Listen to the breeze Calling out to stay Like a muse with golden hair

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History: Part II

Yesterday is what today examines Today is what yesterday wondered Today is what tomorrow examines Tomorrow is what today hopes for

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Unfair

Pain that is caused by it all Cross fades into a blending Rather than a healing Rented friends are returned Back to their native shelf Wanted again after a few minutes of inactivity Strong love for a specific toy Only leads to attachment That rips when pulled away Lines on the tombstone Read: too young and too important For it to be considered fair But what is really fair When the only thing that results Is hurting inside Trust in close ones Is essential for the resolution Of todays matters Its not so bad When you say it like that Since the memories are numb

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Tyeirs

To bridge another world to yours It seems impossible To the nonbelievers, that is

Visitors here are not welcome Only permanent residents Enjoy your lively neighborhood first

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Winters End

Dear You, The snow is melting here A sign of life Finally Everything has been so Dead How is the weather there? Oh, how I wish and wait for the feeling of sunshine again To run outside through the fields of flowers and not worry about frostbite I know snow is foreign to you, but let me say: You wouldnt enjoy it Plan on me coming to stay in a month or two Ready the tea and make sure its sweet Last time you only had white wine which upset my stomach But be careful not to burn yourself boiling the water like your sister always did Ill meet you by that old oak tree by the stream The one that we carved our initials into Has anything changed there? Many things have here. Ash has accumulated in the corner But I doubt it stays for much longer Fires pride has been extinguished I cant wait to see you The snowman outside waves hello as he slowly turns to water Rebirth, recycled From my peaceful and anxious heart Giving you all the love I have, Me

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Once Upon a Time

Those words remind me Bass drum pounds a thought into my head Melodic chimes chime a once place It all seemed so simpler Simply easy and carefree Carefree of the worries of tomorrow Tomorrow will come and we wont worry Worrying isnt what this song sings Dandelions in a field Dancing in the wind Daylight brings you here Leaves from a tree Laughing in the breeze Love is slowly fading Snow falling down gently Settling on the ice Secrets are hidden tonight Flowers begin to bloom Following their natural code Forming love once more My memories are seasoned with melancholy Writing them down slows down time and or attempts to bring them back