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Broken families throughout the ages: Insinuation of Divorce

Divorce has progressively become a common procedure worldwide, affecting not only parents and

their offspring, but also the communities that surround the family unit, and consequently presenting a

terrifying threat for the affected child. Nonetheless, regardless of the conventionality of divorce, it

persists to affect various aspects of children's' and parent’s’ daily lives and rituals. According to

Wikepedia.com, that defines divorce:

Divorce or Dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either

spouse…it can be contrasted with an annulment, which is a declaration that a marriage is void,

though the effects of marriage may be recognized in such unions, such as spousal support of

alimony, child custody, and distribution of property.

In short, a divorce can be accomplish generally through court of law, as a legal action is needed to

dissolve the prior legal act of marriage. Although families are careworn in this situation for the reason

that all the families belong to all types of module, age brackets, religious and ethnical disparity, divorce

really became a universal trend to the entire group around the world. Divorce is a legal course of action

in separating a said relationship, in this part, families must deem the processes involved and how can

they deal and agree with it.

Are people taking marriage less seriously as divorce rates rise? Why are almost all couples in most

country-preferred separation as the product of their unsuccessful relationship? Many factors can

influence a person’s view on marriage. For an instance, according in her book Marriages and Families,

Mary Ann Lamanna says that the couples give major reasons for failure in their first marriage and some

of these are infidelity, married too young, job conflicts, in-laws, vices, emotional, sexual, and financial

problems (552). Also in Marriage and Families: the Quest for Intimacy, Robert Lauer tells that the

sociodemographic concerns must take into consideration: socioeconomic status, race, religion, social

integration, in addition to that is the changing of norms and roles of couples (390-93). Finally, another
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factor that Lauer gives is that some couples preferred the interpersonal factors as one of the reasons:

complaints, changed feelings and perspective, and lastly conflicts (394-95).

Some people probably have an overall more positive view on marriage. Most likely, they do not see

the high divorce rate as relevant to them because they have seen that marriage can work. On the other

hand, some people have negative models of marriage. And one of that is according to Norval Glenn, that

the disagreements about demonstration of affection and sex relation is a big plus in planning of divorce

because of the following concerns: disagreement about philosophy of life, things believed is important,

amount of time spent together, furthermore the sues lag behind in their persistence (328).

Recognizing the uncertainties of couples may turn on the sparks in filling for break up according to

Lauer. Moreover, those are spouse’s controlling behaviors, lack of responsibility and emotional support

among the couples. Tremendous effects can happen, if such factors really violated, and the costs of these

are anger, hurt, and disillusionment (388).

Contradictions among couples are more or less is useful for a person to dissociate with their spouse.

These contradictions have styles: avoid, attack, and compromise. Moreover, variety of show aggression

tactics can be evidence in annulment: maligning the partner, terrible threats, flagrant self-interest,

demands, shouts, and most widespread, violence (Glenn, 327-28).

Lamanna observes, “Traditionally, as we’ve seen the family was a self-sufficient productive unit.

Survival was difficult outside of families, so members remained economically bound to one another.

But today, because family members no longer need each other for basic needs, they are freer to divorce

than they once were” (545-46). In addition, because of that, in the environment of the couples, some

have seen some issue having some bearing on divorce rate. And for that, Christopher Doob of

Sociology: an Introduction tells that aspects: industrialization, age of the couple, changing role

definitions within marriage, and in addition to that is decreasing legal and social constraints (340-42).
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On the other hand, according to A Bit about Divorce and the Effects of Divorce on Family’s Well

Being written by NRS274, “Abuse-mental, abuse–physical, psychosis, extreme mental illness, chronic

addiction, and substance abuse are situations where divorce should consider among husbands and wives

as a good condition.” Therefore, it must put into contemplation and must apply for processing a break-

up relationship with the spouse.

Many families around the world are noticing that there are some sources of suggestion to detachment

and aim of culpability for break-up. Glenn utters that the persons him or herself is the first one to be

point the finger at for this. It followed by the spouse’s own fault about what happen in their failed

marriage. Finally yet importantly, either the couples fault or the mutual part must be liable (338).

Divorce has become a long way and has changed dramatically in our community. Divorce has

become a more up to standard and general in a family unit. However, divorce has not become a positive

thing yet, it remains negative. Because a divorce break a family apart and this become a broken dream

for the two couples that have started out with hopes and dreams for a future together that ended.

Furthermore, for this, the couple has a variety of jurisdictions like methods, approaches, styles, and
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tactics to follow in order to make the separation easier and more likely to make legally proclaim the

marriage as void.

Until such time that, the couples are now ready facing the court for their split-up, the research

conducted according to Glenn is to find out the top five feelings for partner at the time of the final

separation. Along with the responds of the couples during the process of divorce are quite appealing. For

the reason that some of the couples said that he/she still loved him/her. A number of couple said that they

still liked, but did not love him/her now. They respond as to they did not feel much of anything to their

spouse according to some couples. Hated him/her or both loved and hated him/her as the answer of

several respondent couples (329).
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As the research finally conducted, he made three important events for a divorce deliberation for the

couples to study and take into thinking. These events are as follows: foreboding of possible breakup.

Next is the certainty of some couples about the end of marriage. Lastly is the filing of couples for the

said divorce (Glenn, 331). For these reasons, in the book The Social Experience: an Introduction to

Sociology, James Zanden speaks the kinds of disruptive expertise during divorce. In addition, for that he

says that most couples suffer from fright, frustration, and excess depression (356).

What happens in a family that is in the process of breaking up? Couples can use the four periods

tend to mark the process of divorce. In the first process, recognition, it begins when one or both spouses

become aware of serious problems. It actually occurs when marital stress and open conflicts followed by

a period of cold war between couples. Secondly, discussion, it is a period at which one or both spouses

begin to share the marital problems with others. Thirdly, action, one of the spouses secures a lawyer in

order to legalized and dissolve the marriage. Last but not the least, post dissolution, wherein the period

begins when both spouses accept the fact that the marriage has ended (Lauer, 387-89).

The divorce process is a turning point in the life of each individual involved. Months and often years

of couples or individuals struggling with the decision to end a marriage most often precede initiation of

legal processes associated with divorce and normally follow the different methods instructed for the

couple in order to make a choice in which method can be good for them. One of the basic is the

approach method. In this method, couples can choose either the “no-fault divorce” or the “at-fault

divorce.” In the first approach, the dissolution of marriage does not require an allegation of proof of

fault of either party to show. In the second approach, is use to be the only way to break a marriage and

people who had differences (Wikipedia.com).

Another method that is use worldwide, according to Wikipedia.com, is the following: summary

divorce or so-called “simple divorce” in which use when souses meet certain eligibility requirements, or

can agree on key issues beforehand. Another method that can couple use is uncontested divorce where
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the two parties are able to come to an agreement (either with or without lawyers/ mediators/

collaborative counsel) about the property, children, and support issues. Next, collaborative divorce

explains that the parties negotiate an agreed resolution with the assistance of attorneys who trains in this

process and in mediation, and often with the assistance of a neutral financial specialist and/or divorce

coaches. After that, couples can use the mediated divorce in which it is an alternative to traditional

divorce litigation.

Paul Bohannan discusses divorce in terms of six “stations” or six different experiences that people

are likely to have. Divorce, by contrast, makes you feel “so awful,” in part, because “you have been de-

selected.” To some extent, de-selection occurs in each of the six stations of divorce. The emotional

divorce involves a loss of trust, respect, and affection for each other. The legal divorce, in which a court

officially ends the marriage, is the only one of the six stations that provides a tangible benefit to the

partners. The economic divorce involves settlement of the property. The co-parental divorce is

experienced by those with the children…decisions must be made about who will have custody, visitation

rights, and continuing responsibilities of each parent. The community divorce means that each of the

partners leaves one community of friends and relations and enters another. Finally, psychic divorce is the

central separation that occurs (quoted in Lauer, 389-90).

Michelle New, in her article on Dealing with Divorce, gives suggestions to make the split-up more

convenient to the pair for the reason that the couples are having a hard time experiencing the severe

process of separation in their physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects in their lives.

Since proven already in some cases of divorce, she utters the following suggestions like keep the peace

among the parents. Couples must be fair and not to “take sides” and find help from the one who knows

the case like a counselor or therapist. Keep in touch to one another and have an open yet strong

communication. Work it out and come up on an idea to compromise. Let the couples talk and predict

about the future after the divorce and for the children to pick a good time to tell their parents about their
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concerns so that it could be fix on an earlier time. For the couples, figure out his or her strengths and if

the pair needs help in figuring out their strengths and figuring how to deal with cope, ask for guidance.

Another good suggestion is to live your own life and make it feel sweeter and livelier. Thus, couples

must focus on his or her own plans and dreams. As a final point, let others support and talk about your

feelings and reactions to divorce with someone that he or she feel trusted.

In the divorce methodology, there are things that need to be agreed upon so that there would be no

problems that the parents or the couples will encounter after the marriage becomes void. One of these

things that should take care of is the supervision of the child and the equity of the couples in terms of

their financial stocks and assets. According to Lauer, there are types of custodies that the couple can

choose for their children. It is either the sole custody or the joint custody. Lauer expands the meaning of

these and for the first one, he explains that in which one of the parents gives the responsibility for the

care and rising of the child. On the other hand, couples can choose an arrangement in which both parents

continue to share the responsibility for the care and raising of the children (404-05). For the financial

assets and stocks of the couples, valuable but often intangible assets that must go legally with the

husband or the male during the marriage are the following: the credits, pensions, insurances,

entitlements, professional credentials and future earning power while the rest of the financial concerns

are for the wives or the female (Zanden, 336).

With these things happened to the families who have experience the sad outcomes of divorce, Norval

Glenn’s book entitled Family Relations: a Reader, he pronounces, “Marriage is notoriously different

from men and women, and the reconstruction of failed marriages is no exception…men recall greater

consensus, companionship, compatibility in affection realms, and harmony then women recall” (329).

As a result, the worst scenario of divorce according to SOPHIA87 on her essay, Divorce Argument

Essay, she utters, “Divorce has progressively become a common procedure worldwide, affecting not

only parents and their offspring, but also the community that surrounds the family unit, and
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consequently presenting a terrifying threat for the affected child.” In addition to what SOPHIA87 utters,

Framo declares about ambivalence, vacillation, and readiness for divorce:

As a couple moves toward divorce, they balance all of the anticipated moral, social, economic,

and familial consequences against their satisfactions, securities, and unhappiness as they weigh

the alternatives; they can expect to go through “periods of agonizing, indecision, ambivalence,

and vacillation” (quoted in Lamanna, 557).

After the grueling experience, in the first two years experience of divorced family, Fine, Moreland, and

Schwael speak, “That the first two years after divorce are especially difficult: divorced parents do not

communicate as well with their children, are less affectionate, and are more inconsistent discipliners

than parents in intact families are” (quoted in Zanden, 357). To end with, Lamanna also declares the

separation anxiety of the family affected on divorce, “One of the more difficult and recurrent moments

in life after divorce, is the transfer of the child from one parent to the other so each time, parents and

children must make emotional and practical adjustments” (565).

We have seen that gender roles diminish communication and understanding between women and

men. Perhaps nowhere is the lack of understanding more evident than in the debate over which partner –

the ex-wife or ex-husband – is the victim of divorce. Both are victims. In addition, the implications of

these see in the first years after divorce or even the latter years of it. The effects of divorce on spouses/

parents are the following: negative outcomes, health problems, financial problems, and lastly, positive

outcomes.

The unenthusiastic products of divorce to the couples according to Doob are instead of having

been “selected” out of the world, the former spouse feels “deselected.” Economically, women tend to

suffer more from divorce than men do. Indications that in many cases, men have a time that is more

difficult in adjusting to divorce than woman do. Additionally, age is another social characteristic that

appears to affect people’s adjustment to divorce. Lastly, the unhappiness associated with most divorces
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does not mean that unhappily married people should stay married (342-43). Likewise, SOPHIA87 says

again on her essay, Divorce Argument Essay, that feelings of inadequacy, instability, and deprivation,

depression resulting to resentment, aggression, and mood alterations are the injurious effects of divorce

on most couples worldwide after the separation. Zanden also dictates that prone to die from accidents,

homicides, and suicides where the greater effects of separated people (355). In the suicide rate research

conducted by Doob, for divorced women, it has been three times suicide rate of woman who are

divorced than that of married women. Furthermore, four times is the suicidal rate of divorced men than

married men have killed themselves (342). Divorced people have higher rates of accidents, physical and

mental health problems (including anxiety and depression), and alcoholism. Physical health problems

occur because the stress of the divorce tends to suppress the functioning of the body’s immune system

said Gottman (Lauer, 397). Among other things, an updated analysis of Leonor Wietzman, 1985: shows

that, within a year after the divorce was finalized, men experience about a 10 percent improvement in

their standard of living, while women’s standard of living drops about 27 percent… Yet the division of

labor in the family, along with the experiences and special skills of each partner, mean that men and

women are unequal in terms of their resources and opportunities (quoted in Lauer, 398). However,

people after divorce troubled by anger, insecurity, and depression, they had some positive experiences as

well. Divorce is more likely to be positive for females, particularly those with a high level of education;

those who are relatively young; those in relatively short-lived marriages; those with adequate income;

and those holding to more gender that is nontraditional and marital roles. In addition, a positive outcome

is more likely for those with good social support according to Garvin, Kalter, and Hansell, 1993 (Lauer,

397).

Lauer tells the children’s adjustment after the separation of parents:

Children’s adjustment to the divorce depends in part on the behavior of the parents. If the divorce

reduces conflict significantly, children adjust better. The parents will adjust better to the extent
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that they work through their feelings and are able to define the divorce as an opportunity to grow

(407).

Doob declares about divorce on children, “Even though divorce is painful for children, research has

found that they prefer the post-divorce period to the time when the family was still intact” (344).

Certainly, many offspring endure because of divorce. Nevertheless, what is the over all picture? To

begin, the number of children whose parents are divorce has been increasing. Following divorce, the

relationship between children and the non-resident parent tends to change dramatically. What’s more,

Lauer found out the short-term upshot of divorce. And these are intense anger, self-blame, fears about

the future, loyalty conflicts, lower physical health ratings, lower social competence, anxiousness,

depression, withdrawal, eating problems, less maternal warmth and empathy, low academic standing,

and lastly, vices. These various consequences are understandable. Children are likely to have more

stressed because they have no control over what is happening to them and see no long-term benefits to

the disruption (400-01). Fortunately, the picture is not as bleak when we look at longer-term

consequences. There may be some positive outcomes for the children according to Demo and Acock,

1998. Children in single parent homes are more likely to be androgynous in the behavior. Adolescent in

single parent homes are tend to be more mature and to have a greater sense of efficacy and responsibility

(401). To sum it all up, Lauer expresses the principle for enhancing intimacy to children, “Help the

children to understand that neither parent is divorcing them. Do not ask them to choose the parent with

whom they want to live. Let them know that both parents continue to love them even though the family

will no longer be living together” (406).

Separation by divorce, like death, inflicts a painful emotional wound that must heal. A little book

entitled How to Survive the Loss of a Love: 58 Things to Do when there is nothing to be done suggests

some ways to facilitate the healing process. For the divorced couples, do your mourning now and be

gentle with yourself. Do not take on new responsibility and do not blame yourself for any mistakes that
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you have done before. It is okay to feel depressed for a longer period of time but do not involved

yourself on romance that fast. Do not try against obvious ads to rekindle the old relationship so find

photographs and mementos helpful to the mourning process and use them as positive materials. It is also

okay to feel anger toward God, society, or the person who left you. In health and medical aspects, use

addictive description drugs wisely so that it will further help you ease the pain. Be careful and watch

your nutrition since nutritious food can give you a sense of positivism. Do not also try to overindulge

yourself on vices but a little yet comfort pampering yourself will give you warmth. You might find

keeping and using journals or diaries because it is a helpful tool to cope up. In addition, to finish, heal at

your own pace (Lamanna, 572).

To look at the bigger picture and in general view, Breakinglaces on her essay about Positive Effects

of Divorce on Children, acquaints with the people about the term divorce in the society today, “Divorce

will always be a tough situation for the parents and children involved, but that does not mean that it has

to be negative one. The term divorce has been, in recent years, coined with a negative connotation. This,

however, is out-dated and one sided. With the recent studies and the help of psychologists, the term

divorce has become somewhat less than taboo in our society.”
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Works Cited

Breakinglaces. “Positive Effects of Divorce on Children.” Oppapers. 24 Oct. 2005. 19 Aug. 2008

< http://www.oppapers.com/essays/Positve-Effects-Divorce-Children/67903>.

Coleman, and Norval D. Glenn. Family Relations: a Reader. California: Wadsworth Publishing

Company, 1988.

Doob, Christopher Bates. Sociology: an Introduction 3rd Edition. San Francisco: Holt, Rinehart, and

Winston Inc., 1991.

Lauer, Jeanette and Robert. Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy 3rd Edition. New York:

McGraw Hill, 1997.

New, Michelle. “Dealing with Divorce.” Kidshealth.org. Aug. 2007. 19 Aug. 2008

<http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/divorce.html>.

NRS274. “A Bit about Divorce and Effects of Divorce on a Family’s Well Being.” Oppapers. 6 June

2005. 19 Aug. 2008 < http://www.oppapers.com/essays/Effects-Divorce-Family39s-Well-

Being/60178>.

Riedmann, and Mary Ann Lamanna. Marriages and Families: Making Choices and Facing Change 4th

Edition. California: Wadsworth Publishing Company, 1991.

Sophia87. “Divorce Argument Essay.” Oppapers. 12 March 2008. 19 Aug. 2008

<http://www.oppapers.com/essays/Divorce-Argument-Essay/135266>.

“Divorce.” Wikipedia: the Free Encyclopedia. 10 Sept. 2008. Wikipedia.com. 19 Aug. 2008

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce>.

Zanden, James Vander. The Social Experience: an Introduction to Sociology. New York: Random

House, Inc., 1988.