ISSUE 1

SPRING 2005

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN

!!!!!GJSTU!GBUVPVT!!JTTVF!

Copyright 2005 The Dog’s Egg/Fred the Head Productions

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THE DOG’S EGG No.1 SPRING 2005 2005 The Dog’s Egg/ Fred the head productions.

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Oh fuck - Jehovah’s Fitnesses!
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Moyles’s Full Moon
Last night it emerged that Radio 1 celebrity saladdodger Chris Moyles has become so enormous that his gravitational field has caused an individual pork pie to begin orbiting him. The pie is believed to complete its orbit in approximately four and a half minutes. Chris’s sidekick, ‘Comedy Moyles: Salad Dodger Dave’ explains what hapto touch it.The combinapened: tion of steak, kidney, suet and Carol Vorderman was ‘We were at a celebrity party to celebrate the com- just too much for him. I could see him drooling, pletion of the world’s but before I realised what largest steak and kidney pudding. Everything was was about to happen, he going well, and Chris was was already beyond my grasp.’ simply grazing on the finger buffet that had been provided, and enjoying a What happened next is few glasses of champagne. common knowledge, caught on TV cameras and Nothing seemed amiss. shown around the globe. ‘Then the announcement Onlookers watched aghast came that they were about to unveil the pudding, and we all gathered around the stage. The buzz of excitement was incredible- we all knew that we had defeated France’s record attempt, and we were all feeling pretty proud to be British as the curtains swished open to unveil the pudding, with Carol Vorderman posing seductively on top.

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When asked for comment, the team responsible for the manufacture of the Comedy Dave takes up pudding said it was very the story again: disappointing, as the pud‘The party was fairly sub- ding had not been officially weighed, and as dued after that, I can tell such will not count for the you. After about half an record. They have vowed hour, people started to leave, so we decided to go to try again. too. It was as we passed Carol Vorderman said she the buffet table that Chris’s increased gravita- was ‘Very embarrassed.’ tional effects lifted up the pork pie and it’s been or- When we interviewed Chris Moyles about the biting him ever since.’ incident, he had a mouthful of cake, and declined Doctors have warned ‘I don’t think Chris Moyles that if he gets any- to comment. could help himself. It was Vorderman and pudding, moments before more massive, he will like putting a big bag of the incident begin to collapse in on heroin in front of an adhimself, eventually disapdict and expecting him not 4

as Moyles lunged for the 378kg pudding, and after shoving an unsuspecting Vorderman to the floor, swallowed the pudding in only two or three bites.

pearing up his own arse. Some commentators believe this has already happened.

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HOW TO SPOT A COMMIE PINKO’
By Guest Columnist GEORGE W. BUSH
Is your neighbour a communist? Are you con- 8. cerned he might corrupt your family with his 9. Marxist philosophy? Worry no longer as George W. Bush gives tips and advice on how 10. to spot that ‘Red under the bed’… RECYCLES his TRASH. DOES NOT have STARS AND STRIPES on display outside his home. Is named IVAN or BORIS.

Ten signs to watch out for:
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
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Has LONG HAIR. Is a VEGETARIAN. OPPOSES war in IRAQ. Drives a NON-US made CAR. DOES NOT go to church EVERY SUNDAY. VOTED DEMOCRAT at the last election. Speaks a FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

REMEMBER– COMMUNISTS ARE A THREAT TO OUR LIBERTY. REPORT THEM TO YOUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT IMMEDIATELY!

OUTFOXING THE BAN

you see the future of foxhunting.’ he said, proudly gesturing at the huge weapon of mass destruction.

lity of the English countryside, then the horizon was lit with a magnificent

I requested a demonstration, and Sir Nicholas was only to glad to The recent motions in ‘Despite the gallant efforts oblige. A word with the the houses of parliamissile’s ground crew of the Countryside alliment to outlaw hunt(dressed in their tradiing with hounds have ance, it seems that our noble sport in its present tional red uniforms) and Mushroom: the future? caused some diviform is doomed,’ he said. a target was soon acsions in Fox hunting quired. The crew quickly nuclear flower which ‘They have managed a circles. temporary stay of execu- went to work, making last mushroomed into the sky, and I was blinded as the tion for us, but in the end minute adjustments. On one hand, there are flash seared my retinas. those left-wing loonies in those in the blood-sport ‘Only a rabbit I’m afraid, community twenty-seven miles away. ‘That’s the last time that who are buck-toothed twat will Our spotter planes have petitioning been unable to find a fox. steal lettuces from Mister government The crew will reduce the McGregor’s garden!’ he in order to payload considerably. The shouted in triumph. preserve fox, being the evil ginger their chocunt that he is, requires at So, is this the future of sen sport in traditional countryside least five megatons to its tradipursuits, or will other stop. Rabbits, being less tional form. hardy can be stopped with methods find favour in the as little as forty kilotons. blood-sport community at On the Foxes: Ginger cunts Ah, I think they’re ready.’ large? Is it morally correct other hand, for man to hunt furry aniParliament will win. They there are those who are mals with thermonuclear A brief countdown folalways do. willing to make changes lowed before the awesome devices, or should they in order to continue, turn- ‘We are not the type of stick with traditional expower of the deafening people who will simply ing to such pursuits as plosives? These are all roll over and play dead in rocket engines lifted the drag hunting and autoarguments that may take missile into the sky on a the face of these maderoticism in order to get some time to settle, as the men’s attempt to destroy column of flame, and it their kicks. On a third, brand-new hand, there are our way of life. We have disappeared rapidly from countryside undergoes its biggest upheaval in centuview. the newly emerging mili- been expecting these ries. For now, The Dog’s moves for tant hunters, Egg leaves you, it’s readThere was a moment or some who are time, and two to savour the tranquil- ers, to decide... adopting have set more exabout detreme forms vising of their fanew ways vourite pasof hunting time. that are Samantha Fox: Not FOR EVERY READER! allowable I recently relevant to this story within the TO THE READER: This coupon entitles you to one free attended a pint of beer at any participating outlet. To find your nearest new legislation.’ meeting of the Quimoutlet, simply go to the bar of any pub and ask if they are thorpe hunt in a field in participating. TO THE RETAILER: Should you be foolish enough to Berkshire, to find out just He headed towards a accept this coupon as payment for beer, please note that spinney, and gestured that what was going on. Sir the price of the pint of beer will not be refunded upon reI follow him. Nicholas Dryhump, the turn of this coupon to the issuer. I was stunned by what I master of the hunt, was DISCLAIMER: Neither The Dog’s Egg nor Fred the Head only too pleased to outline saw in the trees, a massive productions will accept any responsibility for injuries received while attempting to redeem this voucher. launching gantry for a their reasoning : Cash value of coupon: £o.ooooooooop ballistic missile. ‘Here

FREE PINT

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20 AMAZING FACTS ABOUT THE SOLAR SYSTEM
Have you ever wondered what the Solar System is all about? Always wanted to know more? Here’s your chance to impress your friends down the pub with our handy guide! Knowledge is power!
1. The Sun is a star that lives at the centre of the Solar System. Its magical ‘cosmic glue’ holds the planets in place. 2. The planets revolve around the Sun. They are: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto the dog. 7. The rest are all called Dave

17. Until planets have been visited by a human being, they are officially the property of Britain’s reigning monarch. 18. Mars is not only one of the nine planets, but is also the name of a popular chocolate bar. 19. Like Snickers. 20. Which used to be called Marathon.

3. Earth has one moon, but some planets have over 30. Only Mercury and Venus do not have any moons. 9. Like Hillbilly children. This is because moons do not like 10. Recent comets to fly by the sun heat, and Mercury and Venus are have been Hale-Bopp, Ikeya-Zhang too close to the sun. and Bill Haley’s comet. 4. Which is very hot indeed. 11. All extraterrestrials come from Mars. 5. Our moon is made of cheese. When Stretch Armstrong, the first man on the moon tasted it, he said it 12. Or Venus reminded him of ‘Red Leicester, with a hint of mature Cheddar’. 13. One day, a rogue haemorrhoid will smash into the earth, ending life as we know it. 14. If you left the Earth’s atmosphere, cosmic rays would turn your bones into blancmange.

8. Comets are dirty snowballs that whizz around the sun in very Haemorrhoid: Rogue long orbits. As they approach the sun, they melt and develop a tail.

15. Though you would get better on your return to earth.

The Moon: Cheese 6. Haemorrhoids are big bits of rocky debris up to 1000km (620 miles) across. Most are to be Jupiter: Gay found in the haemorrhoid belt. Some of the biggest have special 16. Jupiter is the official gay planet names such as Ceres, Mathilde, and of the solar system. Eros. 9

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ARE YOU A WEREWOLF?
FIND OUT BY TAKING THIS SIMPLE TEST IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME! Question 1 You are out on a date with an attractive member of the opposite sex, when you notice the full moon in the sky. Do you: 1. 2. Remark to your companion how beautiful it looks? Feel the lycanthropic tides rushing through your veins , transform into a brutish and hairy monster, and tear your companion’s throat out? Ignore the moon, and sexually assault your companion? 1. Open the front door, greet him cheerfully, and accept your post from him, perhaps remarking on the weather? Open the door, chase him down the path, barking and nipping at his ankles? Open the door, rip your mail from his grasp and say, ‘If they’re bills, you can fucking keep them!’, before slamming the door in his face?

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Werewolf: Is this YOU? 1. 2. 3. ‘The sound of music’ and ‘Mary Poppins’ ‘Lassie come home’ and ‘An American Werewolf in London’ ‘Anal cum sluts, Vol. IV’ and ‘Sheep wide open, Vol VI’

3.

Question 4 Whilst out for a walk, you spot an attractive member of the opposite sex walking their Labrador. Do you: 1. Pet the Labrador as a way of breaking the ice, then ask the owner out for a date? Ignore the owner, get down on all fours and sniff the Labrador’s bottom? Ignore the Labrador, and make a clumsy attempt to grope the owner?

Question 2 You are watching television late at night, when you feel peckish. What snack would you be most likely to choose? 1. A piece of fruit, or perhaps a Linda McCartney vegetarian ready meal. A large chunk of raw, bleeding meat, preferably still warm. Two pot noodles, a ketchup sandwich and six bags of Monster Munch.

Your Answers: Mostly 1’s: Don’t panic! You’re not a werewolf. You are a wellbalanced individual, living life clean and sensibly. Mostly 2’s: Congratulations! You are almost certainly a werewolf. Either that, or one of your parents was a coyote. Speak to your GP about Lycanthropycontrolling medication. Mostly 3’s: Oh dear. You are not a werewolf. However, you are a sick and depraved individual who should almost certainly be locked up. If you are not already registered as a sex offender, then it is likely that you soon will be. Seek help.
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Question 5 After a night out, you find yourself in desperate need of the toilet. Do you: 1. 2. 3. Hold it in until you find a public convenience? Rush to the nearest lamppost and cock your leg up it? Take a piss in the middle of the street, preferably in front of some bystanders?

Raw meat: A tasty snack? Question 3 You look out of the window, and spot the postman walking up the path. Do you:

Question 6 What are your favourite films?

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All material copyright 2005 The Dog’s Egg/Fred the Head Productions. Violators will be prostituted. Spoon jar, jar spoon. Just like that. Bollocks.