Jordan Meehan April 3, 2013

How to Be Jordan Meehan:
A Guide for the Misguided
First, try to be something, anything, else. A Starbucks barista/music superstar, an astronaut/shoemaker, an engineer who moonlights as a bartender…anything else, really. If you insist, however, on becoming Jordan Meehan, here is a guide to help you along the way. Create a Twitter account. Accept the fact that this Twitter account is essential to your very being and that without it you are nothing. Disregard what a sad, pitiful statement this is. Do not ever post a link to your Twitter account on Facebook, as you know that social media incest of this nature is forbidden. It’s like wearing pink on a Thursday instead of a Wednesday. You just don’t do it. Make at least one Mean Girls reference a week. Tweet it. Search for cheap flights to random places in Europe, even while knowing that as Jordan Meehan your savings account is as malnourished as a supermodel. Look up flights to Berlin. Personify the entire country of Germany as if it were Joan Harris (or Holloway) and enter into a mental love affair with it. Convince yourself that this is completely normal. You know that personifying things as Joan Harris is completely acceptable and do so for other things, like Bushmills whiskey. You know it’s wrong to cheat on Jameson, but you just don’t care. Aspire to become a hybrid of Ron Swanson and April Ludgate. Only by doing so can you achieve true happiness and nirvana. For that matter, re-watch every Parks and Rec episode and arrive at the realization that life is a complete waste if you don’t marry Ben Wyatt. Tweet about it.

Live vicariously through your best friend who is currently sleeping with a 28 year-old millionaire. Proceed to discuss with your best friend how sex and romance can easily be compared to John Mearsheimer’s Tragedy of Great Power Politics and other international relations books. Tweet about it. Arrive at the realization that your own love life is as boring and uneventful as Kristen Stewart on Xanax. Your friends will tell you that this is because you’re too nit-picky and refuse to make an effort. You will not be able to refute this argument. Spend two hours a day looking at BuzzFeed articles instead of going to sleep. Convince yourself that you would be a perfect writer for BuzzFeed due to your love of cat memes, lists, and pop culture. Apply for a job with BuzzFeed. Don’t tweet about it for fear of them seeing how crazy you are. Peruse the Internet while in class instead of taking notes. This is obviously essential in maintaining sanity. Disregard your teacher’s rule about no phones during class so you can tweet about breaking aforementioned rule. Apply to film school and decide to become a screenwriter. Law school is nice and all, but you’ve spent enough time in the library over the last few years. Daydream about someone demolishing Gelman. It would be for the greater good anyway. Look for apartments on Craigslist for fun and decide that you can definitely live in Brookline with an entry-level job salary. When you tell your parents this and your dad tells you to marry a Jewish guy, laugh at the fact that you arrived at this conclusion with your best friend 10 months ago. Tweet about it. Make jokes with your best friend about getting hammered and waking up to an empty bottle of gin and a J-Date profile, knowing that this is less of a joke and more of an inevitability. You can go ahead and tweet that one, too. Finally, convince yourself that no, you’re not a social media and Internet addict, you’re simply a child of the 21st century.