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BIG BANG THEORY THE HOSIERY DISAPPARATION

Written by Talia Herron

Therron@design-development.net 314-719-6734

COLD OPENING: FADE IN: INT. LAUNDRY ROOM- SATURDAY EVENING Sheldon is standing at the dryer area folding newly washed and dried shirts with a folding board. Penny enters the laundry room with a box of anti-static dryer sheets and walks over to the washing machines. PENNY Hey, Sheldon! SHELDON Oh hello, Penny. Sheldon watches Penny as she takes her wet clothing from the washing machine to the dryer. She then adds a dryer sheet. SHELDON (CONTD) Penny, what was that? PENNY What was what? You mean the dryer sheets? SHELDON Oh Penny, I cannot believe you! PENNY What? Do you need a dryer sheet, Sheldon? SHELDON Absolutely not! Penny, are you aware of the physiology of dryer sheets? PENNY No, Im not aware, Sheldon and Im sure I dont give damn either. SHELDON Well, Penny, let me explain it to you, and then maybe youll give a damn. (beat) Penny, dryer sheets work by providing a chemical coating to the fabrics. (MORE)

2. SHELDON (CONT'D) This chemical coating prevents the surface of the fabrics from touching each other, i. e. keeping the clothing from becoming statically charged and sticking together. (beat) Now, the reason I don't use dryer sheets is because of this nebulous chemical coating. I don't know what this peculiar coating consists of. There's no list of chemical ingredients on the box. Additionally, I use special hypoallergenic detergent and I just don't know if I can blend the unique detergent with this illdefined chemical coating. Oh, and furthermore, I wouldn't need one because I have already finished drying my clothes.

PENNY Sheldon, a simple No would have been fine.

Sheldon finishes folding his newly washed T-shirts and begins to pair his socks. SHELDON I know that, but what if you had offered me a dryer sheet next week or perhaps the week after. Really, Im helping both of us out by turning down your offer today and having you not talk to me the next time Im doing laundry. PENNY Whatever, Sheldon. Just as Penny begins walking towards the laundry room door to exit, Leonard enters the laundry room. He is breathing heavily. LEONARD Hey, Penny. PENNY Leonard, you okay? Why are you breathing so hard?

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LEONARD I forgot my keys. (to Sheldon) Sheldon, can you come upstairs and open the door for me? SHELDON But I havent finished pairing my socks. LEONARD (looks at watch) Sheldon, just bring them upstairs and pair them in your room. SHELDON I cant just bring them up to my room. I have to make sure all thirteen pairs are accounted for. PENNY (to Sheldon) Why do you have so many pairs of socks to wash if you do laundry every Saturday night. LEONARD (interrupts) Please, Sheldon. Just give me your key. (looks at watch) SHELDON (to Leonard) First you ask me to fold my socks upstairs and then you beg to use my key. Have you gone crazy, Leonard? (to Penny) Anyway, Penny, the reason I wash thirteen pair of socks is because I wear two pairs per day. So thats two pair per day for Sunday through Friday and the pair I wore earlier today. (beat) I broke that down for you, Penny, because I know you have trouble with math. Penny rolls her eyes at Sheldon. LEONARD Come on, Sheldon. I need to get into the apartment now!

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PENNY Leonard, whats wrong? Why do you need to get into the apartment so badly? LEONARD (looks at watch again) I have exactly three minutes and forty-two seconds to get onto eBay and make sure Im still the top bidder for a Marvel Comics Bronze Age set. Sheldon, theyre in the original packaging. (beat) Ill let you open all of them and read them before I do. Sheldon grabs his laundry basket and begins to walk towards the laundry room exit. SHELDON I suppose so, I think Silver Age comics are far superior, but Ill take it if thats all your offering. CUT TO:

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDONS APARTMENT- SATURDAY EVENING Leonard is sitting at his computer in the living room. LEONARD (yells) Sheldon, great news! I won the bid. Sheldon emerges from his bedroom and enters the living room holding a lone sock. SHELDON This is all your fault! LEONARD What? SHELDON I now have only 12 and a half pairs of socks. This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been so hare brained and forgotten your key. (MORE)

5. SHELDON (CONT'D) Actually, I take that back it was your selfish need to buy a Bronze Age Comic set. Bronze age comics are no more collectible than my dirty underwear.

LEONARD Sheldon, calm down. Ill buy you a replacement pair. SHELDON A replacement pair? You can't replace a pair of socks just like that. Not only are those socks hypoallergenic, but they're also a dual layer sock that keeps my feet dry during the sweltering heat, preventing blisters or perhaps athlete's foot and the sock from becoming drenched with sweat. And during cold days, it keeps my feet warm, avoiding frostbite. LEONARD Youre probably not going to get frostbite in California, Sheldon. SHELDON And if you had let me fold my socks in the laundry room, I probably wouldn't be missing a sock, Would I? Believe me, you have not heard the last of this! Sheldon storms put of living room and walks down the hallway toward his bedroom. LEONARD Thats what I was afraid of hearing. CUT TO: MAIN TITLES

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ACT ONE

INT. CALTECH CAFETERIA- MONDAY AFTERNOON Leonard, Howard, and Raj are sitting at a table and eating lunch together.

RAJ So, what are some of the comic books that come with the collection from eBay. LEONARD Um, Spiderman: Marked for Murder, Iron Man: Beware the Blood Brothers, um, X-Men: Warhunt. HOWARD Warhunt? Thats the one where Thunderbird dies, right? He was a terrible character. RAJ Yeah, he was, but I love Storms costume in the Bronze era. Its sexy, yet classy. LEONARD You two should come over after work and Ill show you the full list of what comes in the collection. Sheldon enters the lunch room. He sulks towards the table with the others without anything to eat. SHELDON (nods) Raj (nods) Howard Howard notices tension between Sheldon and Leonard. HOWARD You two not talking? LEONARD (to Howard and Raj) Sheldon wont speak to me because he thinks its my fault that he lost a sock during laundry night.

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SHELDON Correction! Im not speaking to Leonard because I know its his fault that I lost a sock on laundry night. You know I spent all day yesterday searching for it in the laundry room! RAJ Did you search your bedroom? SHELDON No need to. All 13 pairs were accounted for when I put them into the washing machine. Although, now Im convinced that Leonard stole it out of spite for not immediately giving in and giving him my key to the apartment. LEONARD Sheldon, what reason do I have to steal a sock from you? SHELDON I cant hear you, remember? HOWARD Why is it that when you put socks in the washing machine at least one of the pair magically disappears. My mom loses at least one of my socks every week. RAJ Your mom still washes your clothes? HOWARD Yeah, when Bernadette does them they come back all wrinkled. And she just doesnt get a good crease in my underwear like my mom does. I like em starched. SHELDON You bring up a very good question, Howard. (beat) Ah ha! Zenos Paradox of Place. Sheldon stands up and begins to walk away from the table LEONARD Sheldon, where are you going?

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SHELDON Im sorry I cant hear him. Someone else should ask. RAJ (asks in a monotonous tone) Sheldon, where are you going? SHELDON To discuss Zenos Paradox of Place with Amy. (beat) Why? Did you all expect me to discuss it with you? (beat) Well thats not going to happen. Im not speaking to Leonard and you two couldnt possibly understand something so complicated. RAJ Hey! HOWARD Im the one that made you think of Zenos Paradox in the first place. SHELDON I know, it shocked me too. Sheldon walks toward the cafeteria exit. CUT TO:

INT. AMYS LAB- MONDAY AFTERNOON Sheldon reaches the door of Amys lab. Amys office door is wide open and she is standing over her lab table and typing on her laptop.

SHELDON (knocks on door) Amy. (knocks on door) (MORE)

9. SHELDON (CONT'D)

Amy. (knocks on door) Amy. AMY Come in, Sheldon. SHELDON Hi, Amy. What are you working on? AMY Im writing an article on hereditary alcoholism in primates. SHELDON Why, that sounds utterly fascinating. AMY You think so? SHELDON Well, no, I think it sounds ridiculous, but Im trying to be nice to you so I can pick your brain. (beat) Amy, I was doing laundry this past Saturday night and one of my socks went missing. Are you familiar with Zenos Paradox of Place? I think that would be helpful in finding my sock. AMY Sure, isnt it something to the effect of If everything that exists has a place, place too will have a place, and so on ad infinitum. SHELDON Exactly, so in regards to my sock, it must exist within a place and that place must exist in time. If my sock existed in another place then it would be in another time, which would be illogical, so that means my sock must exist both here and now. And if my sock exists both here and now, then it shouldnt be too hard to find. Thanks, Amy.

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AMY I didnt say anything. SHELDON I know, but you not saying anything made me realize that Im brilliant and I didnt need your help in the first place. Sheldon leaves Amys office. CUT TO:

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDONS APARTMENT BUILDING- MONDAY EVENING Leonard, Howard, and Raj are walking up the stairs in Leonards apartment building. They reach the apartment door and find it wide open, the apartment trashed, and two police officers standing inside. Leonard, Howard, and Raj enter the living room. LEONARD Oh my gosh! Whats going on? POLICEMAN #1 Who are you? LEONARD Im Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I live here; did we get robbed? POLICEMAN #2 No, Dr. Hofstadter. It seems that Dr. Sheldon Cooper, your roommate, correct? LEONARD Yes. POLICEMAN #2 Has filed a police report for a missing person. Dr. Cooper just went to get us a picture of the missing person. Sheldon walks from his bedroom and into the living room. He is hold one sock in his hand.

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SHELDON Here it is. The missing sock looks identical to this one. The officers move closer to Sheldon. POLICEMAN #1 You called us here for a missing sock? SHELDON Well, yes. You investigate missing things, dont you? Anyway, Im sure my roommate, Dr. Hofstadter is the culprit. Though, Im positive hes probably gotten rid of any evidence that would prove it. Do you need a warrant to check his room? POLICEMAN #2 Dr. Cooper, you are aware that we can have you arrested for prank calling the police, right? SHELDON Prank call? This is a serious matter. That sock is very important to me. I mean, at this point, I should report it as a kidnapping. POLICEMAN #1 Sir, if this is all a joke to you then we might have to take you down to the station with us. SHELDON Take me into the station? No, no, no, you should be taking Dr. Hofstadter, the person who likely kidnapped my sock, to the station. Leonard steps between the Sheldon and the officers, and takes the officers to the side. LEONARD Officers, theres no need to arrest my roommate. As you can see, hes a bit, um, off...mentally. Ill take care of him and make sure he takes his meds and I promise this wont happen again.

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POLICEMAN #1 Well let it go this time, but if this happens again, well have to take him in. LEONARD Thank you, officers. The officers walk towards the door and exit the apartment. HOWARD Sheldon, why did you call the police over a sock? SHELDON Well, I was going to call the FBI, but I thought it was best to keep the job local in this economy. RAJ Dude, dont you think youve taken this sock thing a bit too far? And what happened to Zenos Paradox of Place helping you find your sock. SHELDON It seems that Zeno didnt know what the heck he was talking about. (beat) What a minute. Are you and Howard turning against me, as well? HOWARD Turning against you? Sheldon, what are you talking about? SHELDON Im sure Leonard is in cahoots with the two of you and youre probably planning out ways to steal some of my other socks. Maybe sell them online? My mind is valuable, so Id imagine that my socks are too. LEONARD Sheldon, think about this logically. How could I have stolen your sock in the first place? I was standing by the laundry room door the whole time and when we got upstairs I went straight to my computer. Sheldon realizes that Leonard has a point.

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SHELDON I guess youre right. But if you didnt kidnap my sock the only other person who could have committed the crime is Penny. Shes got the man hands of a thief and a farmhands mentality, so shes definitely capable of stealing a sock. Thanks, Leonard for cluing me in. Now, if you all will excuse me, I have to go study the blueprints to Pennys apartment and figure out where shes holding my sock hostage. Sheldon exits the living room and make his way to his bedroom. HOWARD (to Leonard) Youre not going to stop Sheldon from possibly interrogating your girlfriend over a sock? LEONARD I was thinking about it, but Pennys pretty good at holding her own. (beat) And I need a break. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO INT. FANCY RESTAURANT- TUESDAY EVENING Howard, Bernadette, Sheldon, and Amy have gathered at a restaurant for a couples dinner. They look at the menu. SHELDON Im guessing that Leonard and Penny wont be joining us?

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HOWARD Leonard has decided that it was best that he and Penny not attend. SHELDON I see. Well that was a bad move on their part. Their absence makes it obvious that the two of them worked together to steal my sock. BERNADETTE Sheldon, I think your overreacting. They have no reason to steal your sock. SHELDON Well sometimes intelligent people, like Leonard, do stupid things. Pennys from Nebraska, enough said. AMY Sheldon, youre being irrational. SHELDON Irrational? Youre against me too, Amy? Well I wont sit around while all of my so-called friends conspire against me. Sheldon gets up from the table and storms out of the restaurant. HOWARD (to Amy) Sorry Amy. BERNADETTE Yeah, sorry. We dont have to stay here if it makes you feel like a third wheel. AMY Its okay. We could go somewhere else, get drinks at a bar, catch a movie, (mutters) cuddle. Bernadette and Howard become uncomfortable.

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BERNADETTE Um, how about we just eat dinner here. CUT TO: INT. PENNYS BEDROOM- TUESDAY- 2AM Penny is sleeping in her bedroom. She awakens to the sound of someone opening her dresser drawers and screams. PENNY Sheldon, why are you in my apartment? Sheldon is holding the missing socks match in one hand and a leash in the other. SHELDON Oh, dont mind me Penny. Just go back to sleep. Penny notices a dog sniffing through her drawers. PENNY And why do you have a dog? SHELDON Oh, this is not just any dog, this is Maisy. Shes a 5 year old Husky, isnt she gorgeous? Shes a drug sniffing dog. PENNY For what reason do you have a drug sniffing dog rustling around in my drawers? SHELDON Shes trying to find my sock, Penny. This is the only way I can stop the foolishness that you and Leonard have started. PENNY We didnt steal your sock, Sheldon. SHELDON Maisy will determine that. PENNY What would I do with your sock, Sheldon?

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SHELDON I dont know. You probably stole it to get back at me for not using your dryer sheets. PENNY I dont care that you didnt want to use the stupid dryer sheets. (beat) Where did you get a drug sniffing do anyway? SHELDON From an online service. They rent out drug sniffing dogs to parents who want to make sure their children arent doing drugs. PENNY But your not looking for drugs. SHELDON I know, but if Maisy can sniff out cocaine or heroin, Im sure she can find something as simple as a sock. (to Maisy) Lets go, Maisy. Sheldon and Maisy make their way out of Pennys bedroom to the living room. Penny follows and finds her living room in disarray. PENNY Sheldon, look at this mess you made. Clean this up. Sheldon ignores Pennys request. SHELDON Oh, well. Looks like Maisy didnt find anything. Sheldon quickly walks toward the door and hurries out of Pennys apartment with Maisy.

INT. CALTECH UNIVERSITY (LOEB BUILDING)- WEDNESDAY- AFTERNOON Leonard is chatting with Howard and Raj in a hallway near their offices.

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LEONARD You two still coming over for Halo tonight? HOWARD Yeah, well come over, as long as Sheldon doesnt accuse us of stealing his sock every five seconds. RAJ Hes been a total bummer, lately. HOWARD Well, technically hes always been a bummer. RAJ True, but now hes just completely unbearable. Sheldon walks out of his office with two duffle bags and sets them outside his office. He goes back into his office and comes out with two more duffle bags. LEONARD Sheldon, are you packing up the things in your office? SHELDON Yes, I am. RAJ Dude, why? SHELDON I cant concentrate on my work until I find my missing sock. So Im leaving. HOWARD So let me get this straight. Your quitting your job, because you cant find your sock? SHELDON Not exactly. Im taking a leave of absence. I cant come to work tomorrow, anyway. The sock I lost was part of my Thursday work attire.

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LEONARD Just wear a different pair of socks, Sheldon. SHELDON Ugh! I wouldnt be caught dead wearing my Friday socks on a Thursday. Sheldon picks up two duffle bags. SHELDON (CONTD) Grab the other two and lets go Leonard. LEONARD Where am I going? SHELDON Youre driving me home. Just because Im on a leave of absence doesnt mean your driving duties are over. LEONARD (to Howard and Raj) See you guys later. Leonard picks up the remaining duffle bags and follows Sheldon down the hallway. HOWARD I call dibs on his office. RAJ Aww! CUT TO:

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDONS APARTMENT STAIRWELL- WEDNESDAY EVENING Leonard, Howard, and Raj are geeking out with the newly delivered box containing the Bronze Age Marvel Comic collection as they walk up the apartment building stairs. HOWARD Ready to open up a package filled with some of the darkest comic book plot lines.

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RAJ Im so excited I can hardly contain myself. LEONARD Dont get too excited though. I promised Sheldon that he could take the comics out of the bags before we do. The guys reach the apartment. Leonard unlocks the door and the three walk inside. They notice boxes all around the apartment, but focus on the package. Leonard sets the box on the coffee table and the guys hover around it. Leonard cuts open the box using a Swiss Army knife and holds the flaps open as they all look inside. LEONARD, HOWARD, RAJ Wow! The three guys take comics out and continue to ooh and ah over the allotment. LEONARD Sheldon, the comic books are here. Sheldon emerges from his room with a stack of papers. SHELDON Great! The three of you are here just in time. We wont be reading comics or playing Halo this evening. RAJ Why not? SHELDON I need the three of you to help me. HOWARD Doing what? Sheldon reaches inside the closest box and pulls out a carton of orange juice and hands a portion of the posters to each of the guys. SHELDON You all are going to help me adhere these mini posters to the orange juice cartons. Howard begins to read one of the posters aloud.

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HOWARD Have you seen me? Sheldon, you made posters for your lost sock to put on milk cartons. SHELDON No, orange juice cartons. Sixty percent of the United States population is lactose intolerant. Orange juice is a more appropriate drink for the masses. I need to get the message about my missing sock out to more people. LEONARD Sheldon, this orange juice has pulp. SHELDON So? LEONARD About Seventy percent of the United States population doesnt like pulp. SHELDON Really, that many? Drat! Sheldon walks toward the coat rack and grabs his jacket. HOWARD Where are you going? SHELDON To buy orange juice without pulp. Sheldon exits the apartment. RAJ Is that really the percentage of people who dont like orange juice with pulp? LEONARD I dont know. (beat) Now lets get back to the comic books and then play some Halo! CUT TO:

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INT. PENNYS APARTMENT- THURSDAY LATE AFTERNOON Leonard and Penny have invited the whole gang, with the exception of Sheldon, to Pennys apartment to discuss a way to end Sheldons sock obsession. RAJ So Leonard, why did you ask us all to meet you here? LEONARD Well, Penny and I have decided that well have to resort to desperate measures to get the old Sheldon back. HOWARD What kind of desperate measures are we talking about? PENNY Were going to set up an intervention. RAJ Good, because Sheldon totally ruined Halo night. AMY His fixation over the sock has become unbearable. We dont video chat as frequently anymore. (beat) I wore a V-neck sweater during our last video chat session and Sheldon didnt even ask why I was dressed so provocatively. He just kept saying that he couldnt live knowing that one of his socks could possibly be living in a back alley, warming itself by barrel fires ignited by hobos. BERNADETTE So, Leonard, what do we need to do to get this intervention going? LEONARD Well, It wont be an easy task. Well have to broach the subject gently.

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HOWARD And what do we do if he tries to bolt for the door? PENNY Tie him down and beat him. LEONARD No, well each have to have an ultimatum ready. For instance, if he doesnt stop fixating over the sock, then Ill stop adhering to the roommate agreement. AMY And hell move down my list as the most fun person I know(beat) That will cause him a world of hurt. LEONARD Good ultimatum, Amy. (beat) It would be nice if each of us could write Sheldon a short letter for the intervention. Penny has written one as an example for the rest of us to follow. Can you read it for us, Penny? PENNY Sure. Penny stands up from sitting on the couch. She unfolds her handwritten letter and begins to read.

PENNY (CONTD) Dear Sheldon, Although we havent always had the best relationship, I want you to know that I care about you. Now please stop obsessing over a goddamn sock! Love, Penny. LEONARD Oh. Kay. Penny, maybe your letter could show a bit more encouragement and concern. PENNY Nope, Im all about tough love.

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LEONARD Understandable, I guess. So when the rest of us are done with our letters, we will all go over to the apartment and stage the intervention. And remember, DO NOT tell Sheldon this is an intervention! CUT TO:

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDONS APARTMENT- THURSDAY EVENING Leonard and the rest of the gang are in his apartment sitting and standing in various places throughout the living room ready to stage the intervention. They call Sheldon out from his bedroom. LEONARD Sheldon, can you come in here please? Sheldon enters the livingroom looking disheveled, delirious, and tired. SHELDON Leonard, Im in the middle of discovering my sock. I think Captain Picard has found it. HOWARD And now hes having delusions of grandeur. SHELDON Why is everyone here? Falafel night doesnt start for another few hours. HOWARD You mean pizza night? BERNADETTE Sheldon, please sit down, youre delirious. AMY Yes, Sheldon please have a seat so we can stage an intervention for you.

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The rest of the gang scowls and scoffs at Amy for revealing that they are staging an intervention. Sheldon becomes irate at this announcement. SHELDON An intervention?! For what reason do I need an intervention? Do I look like Ive been drinking copious amounts of alcohol or smoking any illegal substances? ALL IN UNISON Yes! SHELDON Well I have had enough of all of you! None of you care that my life is in disarray over my lost sock! And to think I once considered you all, (beat) except Howard, to be good friends! Well, shame on me! As Sheldon turns around to go back to his bedroom, we see the missing sock statically attached to his T-shirt. PENNY He should have used the dryer sheets. RAJ Should we tell him that his precious sock is stuck to his Tshirt. LEONARD Lets let him figure it out on his own and save ourselves from the wrath he causes after hes been humiliated. FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

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TAG FADE IN:

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDONS APARTMENT- FRIDAY LATE AFTERNOON Sheldon and Amy are video chatting. Amy is wearing a sweater with a deep V-neck, that is extremely modest for most women, but provocative for Amy. AMY Im glad that you found your sock, Sheldon. Now we can get back to our daily video chat sessions. SHELDON Yes, of course. (beat) But Amy, are you aware that your sweater is showing an ample amount of bosom? AMY (flirtatiously) Oh, is it? SHELDON Yes. (beat) You can call me back when youve changed out of your underwear. Goodbye, Amy. Sheldon closes the video chat, oblivious to Amys advances. FADE OUT. END OF SHOW

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