Chicks Love VD!

By Jared Jay

An Original Screenplay

INT. HOME STUDIO - DAY - 1983 A man in his early 40’s, balding, with coke-bottle glasses sits in front of a solid, bright blue cloth background. This is LARRY, and he is quite possibly the most timid man alive. The footage is slightly antiquated. An early VHS tape.

LARRY (Looking off camera) This is really great that you guys are doing this. Really, really great. JEFF (O.S.) Can you tell me a little about yourself? LARRY Oh, uh, I’m Larry, and I’m a real, uh, go-getter. JEFF (O.S.) Into the camera. Larry is stunned for a moment. LARRY Oh. Oh, jeez. Are we starting? Oh, jeez. Um, okay. He looks directly into the camera. LARRY (CONT’D) I’m, uh, I’m Larry, and I’m a real go-getter. CUT TO: MARTY, a man in his 30’s, sitting where Larry was a moment ago, facing the camera. He’s wearing a tuxedo, obviously overdressed for the occasion. MARTY My name is Marty, and the fact that my name rhymes with party is no coincidence. He gives a confident wink. A beat, then:

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

MARTY (CONT’D) Because I like to party. CUT TO: NILES, 62 and 1/4 years old, faces the camera. He speaks as though reading down an inventory. NILES My name is Niles Hafferson, I’m from Sacramento, California originally, and I am 62 and a quarter years old. I have been a confirmed bachelor for 62 and a quarter years. I am now finished sowing my wild oats and I am ready to settle down and start a family with a nice young lady. CUT TO: BRYAN, mid 20’s, dressed like a king (complete with crown, cape, staff) for no apparent reason. BRYAN I am Bryan with a Y. As in "Y...don’t you go out on a date with Bryan?" CUT TO: VLOCOYAVICH, early 30’s, faces the camera. thick accent of indiscernible origins. He speaks with a

VLOCOYAVICH Vlocoyavich is seeking American wife. Young lady who likes roller skating and disco. And roller disco. I work at roller rink. I roller skate very good. CUT TO: RICHY, 45, dressed in a military uniform. He screams like a drill sergeant and over pronounces every syllable. RICHY Richy Garfont reportin’ fer duty! I enjoy romantic cande-lit dinners, cuddles, and working on cars! I am something of a sens-o-tive type! I care about yer feelings!

(CONTINUED)

and most importantly. and makes only very planned eye contact with the viewer. His hair is slicked back. this is Steven Wilkerson." INT. a gentleman. A STUDIO APARTMENT . An 8-track player is sitting on a stool. STEVEN Hello. well.CONTINUED: 3. um. I am 5’11" and you’ve probably already noticed my bright green eyes. intelligent. Back to the cards: STEVEN (CONT’D) My friends would describe me as: fun. with a bit of an attitude. CUT TO: MONROE. 31. and I don’t like people that smoke’em. I am looking for a really simple girl. A little panicky: STEVEN (CONT’D) Oh. white wall. uh. (CONTINUED) . He catches himself. He slouches. is wearing velvet. CUT TO: STEVEN. who appreciates the pretty things in life. MONROE My name? Monroe. I mean. He looks into the camera and bats his eyes. is reading directly off of note cards. And if you’re watching this video tape while taking a drag on your cigarette. early 40’s.DAY A Star Wars poster hangs on an otherwise blank. why don’t you just hit the fast forward button? Because I don’t like cigarettes. playing some mid-70’s rock quietly. He sounds overly rehearsed. it says "a really pretty girl who appreciates the simple things. The sound of a paddle ball repeatedly hitting the paddle can be heard.

A wall-unit with nothing on it but a jar half-stuffed with cash. betrayed. and puts it into his car’s player. line the walls. and picks up the 8-track player and heads out of the car. but Jeff sings along anyway. The same song from his apartment can barely be heard over the drunk car. junk car. Jeff removes the tape from his player. JEFF Ah. JEFF MARCHESTER. PAWN SHOP PARKING LOT . Cardboard boxes are stuffed with clothes. A quick tour of the apartment reveals it’s almost completely empty. and eyes up his 8-track player sadly. . come on! Uncool. SUPER: Los Angeles. and walks to a mini-fridge in the corner of his one-room apartment. Ah! Darn it. Crates. JEFF’S CAR . covered only with a bright blue sheet. The car is making a loud "guhg-guhg-guhg" sound as it moves. An opening of the fridge reveals only a single pudding cup. strapped in on the passenger seat. bouncing his paddle ball with intense focus.DAY Jeff attempts to remove his 8-track tape from the car’s player. man.DAY Jeff drives an old. 27. but it’s jammed. instead of furniture. INT. He throws the unwound tape on the floor of his car. His attire places him in the 80’s without question. JEFF’S CAR . Jeff sighs. He struggles with it. lies on top of a twin sized mattress. He puts his toy down. JEFF Ah! Uncool! Darn it. EXT. sadly eying his 8-track player. leaving a trail of black tape unwound.DAY The junk car pulls into a pawn shop lot.CONTINUED: 4. INT. CA 1982 The paddle ball misses the paddle. and pulls it out.

I want to buy it outright. let’s get you rung up. totally. JEFF Ah. well. yeah. EMPLOYEE She’s a real beaut. Hold almost a hundred and twenty minutes of footage on a single video tape. I’m still saving up. no.DAY Jeff returns to his car with around 200 dollars in cash. Can’t really afford it yet. PAWN SHOP PARKING LOT . EXT. He’s looking a little remorseful. JEFF No. EMPLOYEE You interested? JEFF Oh.5. EMPLOYEE Well. I’m sure we can get you on a layaway plan.99!" Jeff is approached by an EMPLOYEE. About halfway there. (CONTINUED) . I haven’t stopped thinking it since I first saw her. EMPLOYEE Well. I’ve been saving all my money in a jar. a price tag shows "$2499. ain’t she? Jeff smiles at him. DEPARTMENT STORE Jeff looks a VHS Camcorder on display with dreamy eyes. I’m going to make a movie. JEFF Yeah. that’s a lot of minutes. JEFF Wow. EMPLOYEE You know. INT. we got these new tapes. Alas. man. a little sheepishly.

(CONTINUED) . then. but nowhere seems to be hiring. I’m sure. Saves on gas. I don’t really see people much these days. All in the name of my art. Lost the television. mostly eating pasta. if you’ll excuse me. EMPLOYEE I never would have guessed. But I’ll get the money. Well. EMPLOYEE Yes. Odds and ends. JEFF I mean. I better see to the other customers. You know. I sold almost all my stuff. and whatever.CONTINUED: 6. best of luck to you. JEFF I’m cutting corners wherever I can. man. all my money’s going into this thing. I-JEFF Not going out anymore. EMPLOYEE True dedication. EMPLOYEE Oh. The employee spies another CUSTOMER. The employee begins walking away. well. I live in this little studio. JEFF I’d probably have an easier time if I had a job. JEFF I mean. Have a good day sir. don’t really have a job or anything. EMPLOYEE (CONT’D) Now. EMPLOYEE Well. The employee continues walking. Jeff is now following after him.

CUSTOMER Is this able to be wired into a VHS player. man. question. Question. EMPLOYEE Is now able to be hooked up to a VHS-JEFF Hey. I’m trying to answer this-JEFF I guess I should face facts. Excuse me. EMPLOYEE Yes.CONTINUED: 7. every television we carry is now-JEFF Excuse me. (CONTINUED) . sir.. is this television set. EMPLOYEE (To other customer) Hello there! Is there anything I can help you with? CUSTOMER Actually yes. we just got one for Christmas-JEFF Hey. I’m kind of avoiding getting a real job. Excuse me.. is that I don’t want to work in anything other than film. right? EMPLOYEE (Ignoring Jeff) I’m sorry. I’ll have an easier time saving if I just get a fucking job. it is. Hey. Actually. is this television set-JEFF I guess what it is. question for you. EMPLOYEE Excuse me.

BUYER Fif-teen hundred? For this piece of shit? JEFF Man. INT. while eating with the other. and-JEFF Helloooo? EMPLOYEE WHAT? What do you want? JEFF Are you guys hiring? I could really use a job. that is a value. The buyer gives him a skeptical look. He picks up his paddle ball. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT . he looks around for something to do. in negotiations over his car.DAY Jeff stands with a BUYER.DAY Jeff puts the rest of his money into the jar on his wall unit. INT. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . He takes bites of his burger on his twin bed. and begins batting it in one hand. man. APARTMENT COMPLEX . like a beauty.DAY Jeff uses some of his newly earned money to buy a combo meal. like a. EXT. EMPLOYEE A VHS player.CONTINUED: 8. He takes it to go. man. BUYER Mind if I take it around the block? It runs .

JEFF Listen to that kitten purr. Jeff nervously tries to make the sale. skin tight everything. INT.9. man! BUYER What? JEFF I said. INT. Feathered hair. Warren is dressed a little eccentrically. Jeff’s face reads confusion. The "guhg-guhg-guhg" of some engine malfunction is overpowering. 31. He pushes the door open cautiously. his car keys still in hand. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . someone’s inside. JEFF’S CAR . APARTMENT STAIRWELL Jeff climbs his apartment stairs alone. WARREN Baby bro! (CONTINUED) . APARTMENT HALLWAY Jeff gets to his apartment. He’s eating a pudding cup.DAY The buyer is driving Jeff’s car. even for the 80’s. JEFF No. The door is cracked open. I’m pretty sure that’s a purr. WARREN. obviously unsatisfied. The bathroom door is closed. how about that engine’s purr? BUYER Sounds like it’s gonna break down soon! Beat. INT. INT.DAY Jeff enters his apartment to find his brother.

well feel free to stay here with me. JEFF My fucking pudding cup.CONTINUED: 10. thanks for asking. how have you been?" Oh. thanks bro. I’ve been really well.. See. or-WARREN You won’t even know I’m here. a--a fucking mountain man. JEFF You can’t stay here. it’s not like I can fuck the place up any more. Warren. or. you can’t-WARREN "Oh. Jeff. man. that’d be great! I really appreciate that. You live like a homeless man would live in a home. that’s how normal people talk. (CONTINUED) . And really. actually and I wanted to talk to you about that-JEFF No. I was saving that.chairs. JEFF And we’re back to man again. You know. You’ve already eaten all of my food.. Without a mountain. man." Wow. your younger brother Jeffrey. WARREN "Why are you in town?" Oh. for as long as you’d like. there’s not enough space. JEFF Is that my pudding cup? WARREN "Long time no see. man. there’s more freelance work in LA. JEFF So like a man? WARREN Yeah. "Do you have a place lined up yet?" No.

In the meantime.things or whatever. WARREN I ate one pudding cup. that’s what I said. we’ll discuss it later. I don’t have the space.and what? What’s there to do in here other than jerk off? I already ate the pudding cup. WARREN Yeah. JEFF Who the hell is Martin? WARREN My little brother. wonder I’m her favorite. He’s in the shitter. A couple months ago? WARREN You live ten minutes from her. Count me out. put on a nicer shirt.CONTINUED: 11. JEFF Fine. whatever. No (CONTINUED) . Beat. JEFF Yeah... JEFF I don’t want to meet Mom for dinner. WARREN When’s the last time you saw Mom? JEFF I don’t know. WARREN Really? You’d rather stay here. just gotta wait for Martin.. there’s nothing else here to do. WARREN Alright. yeah. and. JEFF Paddle ball. I got. We’re meeting Mom for dinner. I’ll go.

MARTIN. though. late fifties and elegantly dressed. JEFF How the hell is that possible? We have the same parents. Warren. As a role model. Martin and ESTELLE. Mom. now I’m really confused. so they let him tag around with me. ITALIAN RESTAURANT . ESTELLE I’m almost positive that I did not make that child. it’s the Big Brothers program through the YMCA. The kid’s parents are dead or some shit. WARREN No. MARTIN (In Spanish) My father’s not dead. A check sits between them. JEFF You don’t have another little brother. The bathroom door opens. INT. WARREN We don’t. WARREN My other little brother. (CONTINUED) . an 11 year old Hispanic child walks out of the bathroom.CONTINUED: 12. JEFF I think I would know if we had a brother. I don’t know. JEFF (CONT’D) Alright. just having finished lunch. I do. WARREN I do.DAY Jeff. sit around a table. JEFF I’m your little brother.

ESTELLE Okay. can we not curse around the child? MARTIN (In Spanish) I know those words. MARTIN (In Spanish) It’s said "Mar-teen.CONTINUED: 13. I’m never going to get the hang of your crazy ethnic names. I’m just going to call you Kyle. MARTIN (In Spanish) It’s just Mar-teen. JEFF You just said-ESTELLE You’re doing a fine job. it’s not hard. ESTELLE Oh." ESTELLE Martin. Warren. can you tell him none of that at the table? WARREN What. What’s the little Muchacho’s name? WARREN Martin. It’ll be fun. and you traumatized the shit out of me." Warren only ever pronounces "Martin" as "Mart-in. Spanish? (CONTINUED) . Warren. JEFF You were my real big brother. WARREN Jeffrey. MARTIN Mar-teen.

JEFF Mom! ESTELLE You don’t know how to make a movie. man. ESTELLE Oh. you’ve been here for half a day. Jeffrey. well I was working really hard on this screenplay. some of us don’t drag our feet. WARREN I’m pretty sure Coppola went to film school. And it’s going to be a real mind-bender. how did you get this set up already? WARREN You know. you know? I can do it. JEFF Wait a second. Us entrepreneurs get things done pretty quickly. (CONTINUED) . WARREN You’re going to make a movie? JEFF Yes. you know? I’m going to make a movie. JEFF Yeah. JEFF Neither did Francis Ford Coppola. bullshit. ESTELLE Yes. ESTELLE Oh. JEFF I have a passion. it’s just so good to see you out here. I’m saving for a camera right now. It’d be nice to see you a little more often.CONTINUED: 14.

It’s not (CONTINUED) . WARREN Is that what that weird jar of money in your apartment is for? JEFF Well. WARREN Why don’t you use that money to fix up your life a little. and sets. Mom. man. apply to some-JEFF I’ll make it work. JEFF I’ll make it work. yeah. JEFF Fine. get a nicer shirt. how are you going to afford to shoot a movie? WARREN Yeah. ESTELLE Fine. and all that shit? JEFF I don’t know. negotiable. man. WARREN Fine. even if you do save up enough for this camera.CONTINUED: 15. how are you going to get the film crew. ESTELLE Well. JEFF Fine. maybe I’ll do some freelance video work on the side. ESTELLE I think you need to do something on the front to be able to do something on the side.

none of that. ESTELLE You’re almost thirty. I’m almost thirty. thanks. it’s thirty a person. ESTELLE Thank you. War-ESTELLE Such a sweet boy. baby bro. JEFF What? Warren throws two twenties on the table. MARTIN Bueno. JEFF Well.. ESTELLE Kyle. (CONTINUED) . God. you’re my mom. WARREN You know what. ESTELLE (CONT’D) Alright. WARREN Keep the ten for tip.. JEFF I am not almost thirty. (beat) Oh. Jeffrey? JEFF Aren’t you. darling. Estelle opens the bill. WARREN (CONT’D) I got you covered. you are. don’t worry about it.CONTINUED: 16. Warren throws another thirty dollars onto the table.don’t you usually pay? ESTELLE Why would I be paying? JEFF I don’t know.

with the paddle ball. fine. Okay. INT. ESTELLE Wow. WARREN You should really check that noise out.CONTINUED: 17. Martin is playing (CONTINUED) . JEFF I said you couldn’t stay. INT. WARREN Let’s go do something. WARREN Well. a rare moment of selflessness from Jeffrey. you can stay. Whatever. JEFF’S CAR . Fine.DAY Jeff is driving Warren and Martin in his beaten down car. The engine noise is over-powering. while Warren paces.DAY Jeff lies on his bed. Jeff nods. it’s the least I can do after Jeff generously invited me to stay with him until I find a place. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . Jesus. JEFF What? WARREN You should get this noise checked out! JEFF I’m sure it’s nothing. ESTELLE And it’s gone. Beat. There is literally nothing to do in here. JEFF Mom.

WARREN You need to give up this movie idea. JEFF Yeah.CONTINUED: 18. JEFF No. WARREN I’ve never had as little stimulation to my brain as I’m having right now. JEFF Well. I’ll be. but I have the passion and the belief in my story. The 70’s really are over. Once I get this movie started. man. like. WARREN What? Even if he’s the designated driver? JEFF Of course not! WARREN Well. You don’t have the money for it. They wouldn’t let your boy in a bar anyway. JEFF No. (CONTINUED) . Mar-teen. either. well Martin has the paddle ball. busy all the time. I’m trying to enjoy the down-time. Meet some ladies. JEFF I don’t think they let you do that in the 70’s. WARREN Take ten dollars of your stash and let’s go get drinks. I’m committed to saving. MARTIN Es Mar-teen.

Jeff grins with pure joy as he places a VHS tape into the camera. bud? WARREN I still don’t really understand how this is going work. JEFF You ready. JEFF Dude. I will personally finance the second half of your camera if you can find a way to use it to get me laid. Warren is sitting on a stool in front of Jeff’s blue bed sheet. We video-tape you talking about yourself. we show the video tape to chicks looking for dates. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . Beat.CONTINUED: 19.NIGHT Later that day. WARREN Let’s just go. they touch your penis. I’m saving. It’s so fucking simple. JEFF Wait. (CONTINUED) . MARTIN (In Spanish) Story of my life. they go out with you. Jeff is excitedly setting up a new camera on a tripod. WARREN (CONT’D) I’m getting antsy. man. I can leave the kid somewhere. An idea forms. JEFF No. which is now hung on the wall. WARREN I’ll tell you what. do you mean that? INT. Jeff gives Warren a dismissive laugh.

and take your pick? Like a queen. WARREN You don’t know anybody. But not to hot chicks. let’s do this. Jeffrey. JEFF Dude. nervous to go look little. Who’s going to watch the tape? You? I’m not going to fuck you. it’s a huge market. living in their parents basement. WARREN I like the end game. JEFF Yeah. well. think about it. Think people in town but are too for somebody. would you rather sit in bar where every dude with four dollars tried to buy you a drink. If you were a hot chick. WARREN That’s not a bad point. WARREN Yeah. we advertise a of how many single might want a date. JEFF No. . JEFF It’s like a first date without having to meet anyone. WARREN Maybe to weird dudes. JEFF It makes perfect sense. But it makes no sense.CONTINUED: 20. okay. WARREN That concept is foreign to me. or sit and watch a video tape of eligible bachelors.

Back to red record dot. HOME STUDIO . Well. (beat) I’m only mentioning it. if that helps. because I’ve been told I look like the type of dude with a big dick. uh. Well. I’m Warren Marchester.21. uh. He’s sitting in a manner identical to the array of bachelors from the beginning.) Why don’t you tell me about yourself? WARREN You know me. I’ll stop you there. just not huge. from investing but I pretty much work as a freelance editor. JEFF Tell me about. (beat) But it’s not small. Warren. WARREN Right okay. and I wouldn’t want to disappoint. tell me about what you do with your time. being viewed through Jeff’s camera. How about focusing less on Warren: the penis. INT. JEFF This isn’t for me. WARREN But Warren: the penis is a pretty big part of Warren: the man. JEFF Okay. (Beat) It’s nicely shaped. I’m independently wealthy.NIGHT Warren sits in front of the blue background. A red "record" dot is at the bottom right of the screen. WARREN So I just talk at it? JEFF (O.S. I’ve got an average sized penis. (CONTINUED) . an average sized part of it. and more on Warren: the man. The red record dot turns into a green pause symbol. Um. Just for clarification. Not small or anything.

Green pause symbol. Green pause symbol. Okay. Just Mexican. uh. maybe you don’t want to start off by saying you hang out with a little boy.oh geez. He’s not retarded. JEFF You’re not Bat-WARREN Batman does it! Red record dot. Batman does it. WARREN Tits. (CONTINUED) . fine. Big tits.. Not a cunt.. Oh. I’m new to Los Angeles. WARREN Why not? JEFF It’s kind of weird. I hang out with a little Mexican boy.. JEFF Okay. And. WARREN It’s not weird. man.CONTINUED: 22. Funny. but my brother’s kind of retarded. What else? Uh. Oh.. WARREN Hm. man. Well. JEFF How about personality wise? WARREN I don’t know. I only know my mom and brother here. JEFF Okay. that’s no good. Why don’t you tell me what you’re looking for in a partner. sexually adventurous. Personal attacks aside.

JEFF Let’s not use the word "cunt" in your dating video. I’m looking for a girl who’s sexually adventurous. Warren mouths "blow jobs.. If you catch my drift. and very giving." JEFF Okay. let’s move on! Red record symbol. Green pause symbol. JEFF So maybe you want to be a little more sensitive to how you’re coming off.CONTINUED: 23. If you know what I mean. Very generous. WARREN Yeah." JEFF Can we please stop saying "cunt?" WARREN You’re the one saying it now! JEFF Fine. WARREN Which is how? (CONTINUED) . WARREN What? Why not? JEFF You’re thirty-one years old.not a bitch and.. but I said "not a cunt. right? WARREN Yes. I shouldn’t have to explain to you why you shouldn’t use the word "cunt" in a video where you’re trying to get women to like you. WARREN Okay. you do realize the women are going to being seeing this.

WARREN I did! JEFF No. can you have a goddamned human moment? WARREN I’m a human. more meaningful than that. WARREN I don’t know. all my moments are human moments. WARREN What? Really? JEFF Just tell me what you’re looking for. stop giving me sexual answers. By definition.CONTINUED: 24. Someone to hook-up with regularly. JEFF Just tell me what you’re looking for! WARREN I did! JEFF What do you want? WARREN I don’t know! JEFF Why do you want to meet someone? (CONTINUED) . JEFF What kind of person? WARREN The hot kind? JEFF Stop it. JEFF Kind of douchey. man.

but stay inside the next day. Green pause symbol. JEFF It’s not pornography! NEWSPAPER MAN It says you’re hooking people up on video tape. who likes going out. I don’t know anyone but--but two family members. JEFF Okay. finding new spots around the city. I don’t know.DAY Warren and Jeff are standing in front of a NEWSPAPER MAN. WARREN (CONT’D) (Directed at Jeff) I’m new in town. Someone fun. and actually look forward to getting together with me. we can edit that last part out.CONTINUED: 25. The Newspaper Man is reviewing a document of some sort. NEWSPAPER HEADQUARTERS . WARREN So I don’t have to be alone? Silence for a moment. and exciting. someone who will go to a ball game or a concert with me. Someone who can be high energy and outgoing one day.A. I’m just looking for someone I can spend time with. on the upper edge of middle age. we don’t advertise pornography in the L. That sounds like porno in the making. NEWSPAPER MAN I’m sorry. Warren’s finally being honest. Someone who will be nice. but we’re making progress. (CONTINUED) . order in some Chinese and suck my dick. and then grab drinks afterwards. to me. The pause symbol becomes a red record symbol. INT. Times.

NEWSPAPER MAN So. NEWSPAPER MAN That’s a terrible business model. and we match them with tapes we think they’ll most like. and what they’re interested in. NEWSPAPER MAN Really? What kind of pathetic saps would do that? WARREN I told you! JEFF It’s not pathetic. This is a family run business. by video tape. WARREN I fucking knew it! NEWSPAPER MAN Hey. JEFF No. You go somewhere where there’s people. you’re helping people who hate meeting people meet people? JEFF Exactly. WARREN I said the same thing. it’s-NEWSPAPER MAN Haven’t you ever heard of "going out?" That’s how you meet people. Not on. We record them talking about themselves. JEFF No it’s not. you watch your language.CONTINUED: 26. JEFF It’s for people that don’t like doing that. porno-man. (CONTINUED) .

and hopefully finance the movie. Or who are part of families. wasn’t it? NEWSPAPER MAN Yes. WARREN Actually. I’m paying him. We might as well tell people about it so we can recoup what we spent. I just need you to run the ad. NEWSPAPER MAN You’re making a movie? JEFF Yeah! It’s going to be a real mind-bender.CONTINUED: 27. man. I’m helping you with your dating profile. I’m not paying you to critique our business. NEWSPAPER MAN Well. it’s run by people with families. JEFF Well. This was a complete waste of money. you’re not paying him at all. Shut up. we already invested in it. WARREN Oh. JEFF Listen. WARREN This is futile. you mean you’re letting me use the camera I paid for? Yippie. NEWSPAPER MAN Don’t you have to be part of Hollywood to make a movie? (CONTINUED) . WARREN Not you! JEFF Listen. JEFF I paid for half of it.

Don’t get mad it me just because your business and movie sucks. NEWSPAPER MAN With this terrible business model? I don’t see it. JEFF Not necessarily. JEFF Just run the fucking ad! NEWSPAPER MAN Stop it with the language.DAY Jeff drives Warren down a busy road. This better work. JEFF That’s what this video dating thing is doing! It’s financing the movie. WARREN This guy has read my mind. WARREN This car is an accident waiting to happen! JEFF What? (CONTINUED) . Actors like to eat. INT. WARREN That’s what I told him. (beat) It’s 100 dollars a week for a half-page. Jeff grunts frustratedly as the Newspaper Man begins to process the request. WARREN Another hundred dollars. and I still haven’t been laid. NEWSPAPER MAN How are you paying for the crew? And your actors? And catering. already.CONTINUED: 28. JEFF’S CAR .

so-WARREN Oh. JEFF You know. God. it’s a deathtrap! JEFF Nah. EMPLOYEE Hey.DAY Warren and Jeff are looking at tube televisions in a department store. INT. Haven’t started filming my movie yet. EMPLOYEE Well. I work here. you guys know each other? EMPLOYEE Not really.CONTINUED: WARREN This car is a deathtrap! JEFF You want me to put on rap? WARREN No. I haven’t gotten the chance to use it much. They are approached by a familiar EMPLOYEE. EMPLOYEE Yeah? How are you finding it? JEFF Well. (CONTINUED) . JEFF Oh. can I help you with-The employee recognizes Jeff. EMPLOYEE (CONT’D) Oh. JEFF Yep! 29. I ended up getting that camera. hey it’s you! Fancy seeing you again. DEPARTMENT STORE . you can’t hear music too well over the engine.

JEFF Thanks. believe it or not. and matching them up with other people who have video taped themselves. JEFF Thanks. Warren looks more closely JEFF (Following the employee) See. JEFF It’s actually incorporating the camera. you know my brother and I are actually financing the movie with a small business idea. we’re video taping people talking about themselves. it’s a really innovative idea." The employee stops in his tracks. good luck with your movie. EMPLOYEE I’m sure it is. We call it "video dating. EMPLOYEE You know. good luck with that too. (CONTINUED) . well.CONTINUED: 30. at televisions. Let me know if I can help you with anything. that’s actually really interesting. Have a great day. EMPLOYEE Well. The employee begins walking away. JEFF Isn’t it? EMPLOYEE It’s meeting someone without having that awkward first meeting. EMPLOYEE I can believe it. EMPLOYEE Ah. I think.

Why don’t you guys ever play with me? WARREN Martin. Neither of us speak Spanish. MARTIN (In Spanish) I’m bored. she was attractive. INT. He’s a mess of wires. don’t you. JEFF Exactly. JEFF Are you sure that’s appropriate to say to the kid? WARREN Oh. bud. Martin? (CONTINUED) . JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . Martin knows all about romancing the ladies. sometimes you have to lie to attractive women so they let you inside them. He’s also attempting to attach the camera to the TV.DAY Warren and Jeff are setting up a small tube television in the wall unit.CONTINUED: 31. I think it’s time I told you. come on. playing with the paddle ball. EMPLOYEE Um. MARTIN So? WARREN So. Martin sits on Jeff’s bed. Can I get your contact info? Set up an appointment? JEFF Absolutely. MARTIN (in accented English) But you told the lady at the YMCA you could! WARREN Yeah.

aren’t we Jeff? MARTIN I’m eleven. WARREN Well. I’m Puerto-Rican. There’s one pretty girl in my class. MARTIN Not really. WARREN Really? JEFF Yeah. WARREN Martin. Sí. I think kids his age are supposed to be virgins still. man. Are you telling me you’re a virgin? MARTIN Sí. WARREN Whatever. but I never talk to her. MARTIN Mar-teen. holy balls.CONTINUED: 32. WARREN ReallY? JEFF Eleven is young. he’s a child. WARREN Even for Mexicans? JEFF Yes. We’ve got ourselves a virgin. MARTIN (CONTINUED) . JEFF Yeah. We’re going to have to fix that. MARTIN Actually.

WARREN WHATEVER! Are you at least masturbating? JEFF He hasn’t even hit puberty yet. MARTIN Mar-teen. JEFF Whatever. he doesn’t have a father. I masturbated before I went through puberty. man. WARREN Well. Are you loving yourself.CONTINUED: 33. JEFF I don’t think you should be talking to him about this stuff. (CONTINUED) . WARREN Whatever. WARREN How would you know? Dad died before your dick was even out of diapers. there’s not much difference. he’s in Puerto Rico. is there? JEFF I don’t think fathers talk to their kids about masturbating. who the fuck else is he going to talk to about this stuff? MARTIN My father’s not dead. man! WARREN So. WARREN Well. buddy? Jerkin’ the gherkin? Martin laughs. Martin. MARTIN Sí.

. okay. semen will start coming out of there when you come. but like some weird version of Spider-man who only shot webbing from his cock. I’m just trying to help prepare the kid. (CONTINUED) . JEFF I’m going to call the Y if you don’t stop this shit. Stop. MARTIN (laughing) Gracias. JEFF I’m dialing. Martin.. fine. JEFF (Dialing) 3. without warning. I thought I was turning into Spider-man. listen. WARREN Nobody told me that.2.. and then one day: boom. Semen. I thought I was turning into Spider-cock.. JEFF DUDE.CONTINUED: WARREN Now. WARREN Spider-cock. WARREN Okay. The biggest danger of masturbating before puberty are that one day. Jeff picks up the phone from it’s base on the wall. 34.3. JEFF Dude... WARREN And I wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility. I was masturbating dryly for years. WARREN I was freaking out.

WARREN Well. right. He angles the TV so that it is facing the stool/studio set up. I don’t feel like going out tonight. (beat) That’s what brothers are for. Jeff Marchester speaking. We’ll catch a bus. Jeff gets an idea. He hangs up. INT. Have fun. Warren Jeff is playing with his camera. (beat) Nah. I’m going to take little Desi Arnez back to the Y." and Martin head out. JEFF You want to borrow my car? WARREN And put Martin’s life at stake? Yeah. Jeff answers. how may I help you? (beat) Ah. APARTMENT COMPLEX . He hits record. hey bud. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . JEFF Marchester Dating Service.NIGHT 35.CONTINUED: WARREN See? He likes it. JEFF He’s just happy you’re finally paying attention to him. Jeff hangs up the phone. They exchange "see you laters. The phone rings. which is now hooked up to the TV. just give me a call if you’re too drunk to drive home and I’ll come get you. (beat) Yeah. MARTIN Sí. EXT. He turns the camera on himself. and picks up the paddle ball.NIGHT The sun sets over Jeff’s apartment complex." and "hasta luegos. using it as a monitor. (CONTINUED) .

Jeff begins hitting the paddle ball. counting out loud as he does it. or did you get thrown out of the bar? (beat) Oh. By twenty. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . Jeff opens the door to reveal CHARLIE. man! The phone rings again.NIGHT About a half an hour later. A knock at the door. JEFF (CONT’D) Ah. CHARLIE Charlie. no. JEFF (CONT’D) This is Jeff Marchester. (beat) Uh. Charlie enters. which is now much cleaner. I suppose it’s not too late. an understatedly attractive woman in her mid twenties. Jeff turns off the camera. I’m sorry. INT. huh? Hmm. . he mess up. Okay. oh. Come in. Jeff is taken aback by how beautiful he finds her. I don’t know how many that is. JEFF Uh. JEFF Charlie. are you Jeff? JEFF I am. CHARLIE Hi. hello. answers the phone. this is Jeff Marchester of Marchester Dating. so I’m just going to do it a bunch. nice to meet you. Yes. See you soon.CONTINUED: 36. and JEFF (CONT’D) You fucked up already. going for the world record of consecutive paddle ball hits. Jeff is still alone in his apartment. dressed cutely for her video. sure thing. interesting.

He’ll be inside. I can’t imagine meeting the love of my life in a bar. that’s why I’m doing this. It’s like a test drive for dating. HOME STUDIO .) Where do you think you’ll meet the love of your life? CHARLIE Well. CHARLIE High tech. CHARLIE You know.) No? Jeff starts recording. which is not recording. CHARLIE No. I almost feel like the type of guy I’m interested in won’t be hanging around any social scenes. CHARLIE No.37. wishing disco died in the 70’s. JEFF It is a recording studio apartment.S. (CONTINUED) . INT. this is a really cool idea. JEFF (O.NIGHT Charlie faces Jeff’s camera.S. JEFF I thought so! So you don’t like the whole getting-picked-up in a bar thing? Charlie talks to Jeff. and refusing to step foot in a club until they agree to stop playing "Car Wash" and "Kung Fu Fighting" forever. I’ve got to say. not directly into the camera. JEFF (O. it’s not really my scene. this looks more like a studio apartment than a recording studio. The conversation feels candid.

thank you.) No. She looks into the monitor. I like authenticity. He zooms in a little. CHARLIE Well.NIGHT Jeff is walking Charlie to the door. CHARLIE (CONT’D) (laughing) And my hair looks like shit! JEFF (O. CHARLIE I’m sure I looked absolutely ridiculous. authentic food. you’re doing great. JEFF I think people are really going to respond to you. She makes eye contact with the camera.S. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Oh.) Really great. JEFF (CONT’D. It’s so hard to summarize yourself on command like that.S.) Not a disco type of girl? CHARLIE Absolutely not. I really like people. I’m high energy. authentic people. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . How soon should I come in to start looking at the guy’s tapes? (CONTINUED) . JEFF (O. I mean. no! Are you filming? I wasn’t ready. INT.S. Authentic music. I just can’t stand things that are cheesy.CONTINUED: 38. O. I like having fun. I wouldn’t worry.

.. our first. But I have to pay you something.I--how about this.. cross-reference your data. What do I owe you. and. CHARLIE Ballpark? JEFF Probably next week. right? JEFF No. again? JEFF Hmm.CONTINUED: 39. I’m literally cringing right now. thank. I have your number. thank God you’re not a potential match for me. it’s free for you. I watch these tapes as I listen to Gloria Gaynor and Chakka Khan. god. process.for that. (CONTINUED) . CHARLIE Sounds good. that’s generous of you. I do. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Oh. Well. CHARLIE I’m cringing. You don’t just record girls talking about themselves for you own sick pleasures. or I’ll feel like you just record girls talking about themselves for your own sick pleasures. female customer. uh.. As CHARLIE Wow.. and I’ll call you to come in. How about you give us a week to. uh. JEFF (unprepared) Uh. uh. sometime.. I.God. uh. Jeff laughs. eh? JEFF (Awkwardly) Yeah. well.

He’s in a terribly good mood. smiling. what would you pay for this kind of thing? CHARLIE Oh. listen.. and cues up Charlie’s video dating video. we had our first customer. WARREN Customer for what? JEFF Marchester Dating! A hundred bucks? (CONTINUED) .NIGHT Jeff puts a hundred dollars into an empty jar on the wall unit. I don’t know. JEFF Hey. uh.. a drunken mess. From the guy. He begins watching it. The door opens and Warren enters.CONTINUED: 40. JEFF How’d you get home? Why didn’t you call? WARREN I. really? CHARLIE I guess.got a ride.. JEFF Guy at the bar? WARREN No.. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . JEFF Sounds fair to me. JEFF Wow. He sits on his bed. what do I owe you? JEFF Well.bar. guy at the. INT. CHARLIE Come on.

JEFF I know! She’s a looker. let us view this video together as brothers! Jeff pats the bed. JEFF Ow. She saw our ad in the Times! WARREN Wait. passed out on the floor. She does not look like she needs video dating.CONTINUED: 41.DAY A clearly hung-over Warren stands over a still sleeping Jeff. man. She? A chick? We got a chick? JEFF Yeah! And she was awesome. this is my bed. but Warren instantly begins snoring. WARREN I’m just gonna stretch out a little. WARREN Yes. the video. JEFF Our first customer who wasn’t you. Warren sits next to him. Do you want me to show you her video. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . (CONTINUED) . Jeff begins to play the video. JEFF No! Man. What? Ow. He kicks Jeff until he stirs. WARREN I thought I was our first customer. INT. Dude! Jeff lies on the floor and resumes watching the video. Fuck. I’ve got it right here. Warren lays down. Jeff rewinds WARREN (CONT’D) Woah.

WARREN Coffee! JEFF Warren. WARREN I feel like there’s a squad of cheerleaders making themselves throw up inside my head. JEFF What time is it? WARREN Coffee time. JEFF I’m going back to bed. WARREN Then drive me to coffee. I need coffee. I don’t have coffee. WARREN I’m not driving that suicide-mobile. You can take my car. Especially not in the condition I’m in. JEFF Then move out. WARREN Where’s coffee? JEFF Good morning. WARREN I don’t know how you live under these conditions. JEFF I don’t have any coffee.CONTINUED: 42. (CONTINUED) . JEFF I don’t have any. WARREN Coffee.

I hate this.DAY Jeff drives. JEFF Fine. eating breakfast and drinking coffee." I am going to shove my fist in your dick. I hate this. I hate this.DAY Jeff and Warren sit across from each other. I’d fuck her. let’s go get coffee! INT. I mean. WARREN I hate this.CONTINUED: JEFF How much did you drink last night? WARREN I was drinking out of a bucket. like. as Warren looks miserable. I hate this. obnoxiously loud. WARREN If the next words out of your mouth aren’t "hey. I drank. JEFF Your fist in my dick? Warren makes a fist. but she’s kind of a bitch. WARREN (loudly) I don’t know about this chick. JEFF’S CAR . (CONTINUED) . and listening to it with headphones. Warren is looking into the camera’s eye. nine buckets. DINER . let’s go get coffee. JEFF Okay! I get it. that’s your fault. The car is 43. INT. I hate this. I hate this. JEFF Well. WARREN Here it comes.

WARREN What do you mean? I’m everybody’s type. WARREN What the fuck kind of name is Charlie for a girl anyway? I wouldn’t want to be plowing some girl. WARREN Jeffrey. look at me. Sorry. WARREN Look at it! JEFF Well. WARREN (Loudly) What? JEFF You’re screaming! WARREN Oh. JEFF You’re screaming. JEFF Yeah." (CONTINUED) . Dude. shh. okay. JEFF Yeah. WARREN (CONT’D) Disco’s the fucking best.CONTINUED: 44. I’m not sold. He removes the headphones. I’d like to have something to show Charlie. Look at how feathered my hair is. something tells me you’re not her type either. calling out "Chuck. man. JEFF Yeah. No one fucks like disco girls. hopefully we get a few more customers before next week.

CONTINUED: JEFF Then you shouldn’t call her "Chuck." WARREN Or "Charles." JEFF That’s why her name is "Charlie." WARREN Or "Chip." Jeff slams his hands down, frustrated. INT. YMCA GYMNASIUM

45.

Warren, Jeff, and Estelle sit in bleachers, watching two teams of middle-school aged children practice basketball. ESTELLE It is such a good idea to have sports programs to keep the colored children off the crack rocks. WARREN It’s not a program, Mom. Martin’s just playing basketball with his friends. ESTELLE Who the hell is Martin? WARREN The kid we’re here to see. ESTELLE I thought his name was Kyle. JEFF No, you named him Kyle. ESTELLE It’s a good name, I don’t see why he should change it now. JEFF You know what I don’t get? You didn’t come to a single one of my games in high school, but you’ll come watch Warren’s fake little brother play around with his friends? (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

46.

WARREN I resent that. He’s legally just as much my brother as you are. JEFF That is not in any way true. ESTELLE Oh, so suddenly I’m a bad mother for not coming and watching you and your little friends play catch? JEFF It was baseball, Mom. My team went the championships three years in a row. ESTELLE Baseball is just so boring. But I went to something. I remember going to some game when you boys were growing up. WARREN That was the week I played Frisbee Golf. ESTELLE Oh, that’s right. you, dear. Very proud of

JEFF What? You went and watched Warren throw a Frisbee around, and you didn’t come to my championships? ESTELLE Frisbee golf is really very competitive, Jeffrey. Don’t belittle your brother. WARREN She’s right. Very competitive. JEFF Oh, for fuck’s sake. ESTELLE Where is all this coming from? JEFF You never take an interest in what I’m doing. You’ve asked Warren (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

47.

JEFF (cont’d) about his fucking freelance editing bullshit a dozen times. ESTELLE Well, to be fair, he is the son who has a job. JEFF I do, too! Warren and I are running a video dating service. ESTELLE Video dating? As in, dating by video tape? WARREN It’s actually pretty cool. ESTELLE Well, that’s very good. Good of you to put that camera to practical use, rather than wasting all that money on some home movie. JEFF I’m still doing that, I’m just raising the money for it. And it’s not going to be a home movie. It’s going to be professional quality, it’s going to be a real-WARREN Mind-bender. JEFF (Overlapping) Mind-bender. ESTELLE We know. JEFF I’m really proud of the screenplay. ESTELLE Good, dear. I’m glad you’re proud of what you’re doing. JEFF But you’re not proud of me. ESTELLE Mind-bender.

(CONTINUED)

I’m proud of your business venture.. JEFF One. We’re advertising in the Times. not including Warren-WARREN Yeah. we just need it to catch on. 48. WARREN We just need something that shows how great this idea. Makes it pop. ESTELLE Correct me if I’m wrong. yeah.. WARREN What’s it been. now? JEFF Yeah. about two weeks. JEFF Yeah. not including me-JEFF/WARREN One. especially since our first client is coming over tomorrow to watch the videos of potential suitors. Get the word out.CONTINUED: ESTELLE Yes I am. ESTELLE You’ve had an ad in the Times and no business? That’s not a good sign. two weeks. but don’t you need to have at least two people for dating to work? JEFF Well. ESTELLE How long have you been doing this. but. ESTELLE One. How many customers have you had? JEFF Well. (CONTINUED) .

CONTINUED: 49. WARREN Do you mind if I take the helm on this one? I’ve got this directorial vision. ESTELLE Such a smart boy. WARREN Uh-oh. JEFF We could film it today. dear. why don’t you use your editing experience to make a commercial? WARREN That’s not a bad idea. what about Martin? I don’t want to take him home by myself! (To Estelle) We have nothing in common. His people love cigars. JEFF Wait. WARREN Already. ESTELLE Oh. WARREN Perfect. ESTELLE Try talking to him about cigars. JEFF I think that’s Cubans. JEFF Go for it. See you at home! Warren shimmy’s out of the bleachers. Which kind of Mexican is he? (CONTINUED) . I’m going to grab the camera and get started. ESTELLE Warren. I’ve got all these ideas rolling around in my head.

Mom. maybe.CONTINUED: 50. I mean. JEFF He’s not closeted. that’s incredibly racist. They stare at each other a moment.. he’s attractive. CHARLIE No. INT. did you like the guy. JEFF (CONT’D) The second one. Estelle shrugs. sure. JEFF He’s not Mexican. ESTELLE Are they the ones who do all the coke? Or the ones where all the men wax their eyebrows? JEFF Mom. They watch the game for a moment. JEFF Well. or. But there’s something off about him.DAY Jeff and Charlie are sitting on Jeff’s bed watching Warren’s video dating profile on the television. he’s Puerto Rican. CHARLIE Not really. once we make a little more money. JEFF So. It finishes. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . Closeted. (CONTINUED) . I’m not complaining. uh.. we may be able to get a real office. I guess. JEFF What do you think? CHARLIE I think that this is the only business that involves sitting on the owner’s bed.

. Please. so your vibe is wrong.well. CHARLIE I just get that vibe a little.CONTINUED: 51. he’s not. you know? JEFF Maybe you could give him one shot in person. what else you got? JEFF Um. Warren enters. CHARLIE I really don’t want to. The door opens. but I don’t think I’m interested. not friends. JEFF Well. Well. Jeff. alright? What is it with this guy? Just show me another tape. (catching her tone) Um.. JEFF I just think he’d really kill for a shot at a date with you. (CONTINUED) . to make sure it’s not different in the flesh. CHARLIE I don’t really think I’d groove with him. JEFF It’ll break his heart to-CHARLIE Will you cool it. man? I don’t like the guy. CHARLIE Okay. This guy really liked your video. CHARLIE That’s sweet. CHARLIE What. are you friends with the guy or something? JEFF No.

CHARLIE Why would Jeff push you on me then if you’re not interested? WARREN Wait. it’s that chick from the video. but I’m not interested-WARREN In what. CHARLIE You’re not? WARREN No. or whatever. JEFF I should explain. Listen. CHARLIE Charlie. man. not cool. CHARLIE Oh. Warren-WARREN I’m not interested in dating you either. I promise. I just don’t get a romantic vibe from you-- (CONTINUED) . WARREN I fucking got it. in video dating? CHARLIE In dating you. I don’t know what Jeff told you.CONTINUED: 52. Charles. Charlie. Who hates disco? Kung-fu fighting is the shit. it’s-WARREN Oh. a set up? Not cool. what is this. motherfucker. JEFF No. Jeff had to push me on you? What’s wrong with me? CHARLIE It’s nothing personal.

WARREN And co-owner. CHARLIE Jeff. his brother. it’s plenty feathered. JEFF My brother. (CONTINUED) . He lives here. CHARLIE Oh. I’m 53.CONTINUED: WARREN Well. CHARLIE Your brother is a client. CHARLIE He lives here. CHARLIE Your brother. so that’s why you were pushing him so hard. You’re defensive of your big brother. CHARLIE I’m sorry. why would you invite him here before hearing my answer? JEFF I didn’t. I tried to tell Jeff I didn’t think we should meet-WARREN Is my hair not feathered enough? Is that it? CHARLIE No. your vibes suck. it’s not personal. JEFF That’s what I said. Some might say too feathered. You live with one of your clients? WARREN I’m not his fucking client. WARREN No such thing.

you’re just not my type. CHARLIE Oh. But. kind of.. You’re. or what? WARREN Well. we’re just a new business. The thing is. WARREN Just me. thanks buddy. is that there aren’t any more videos.. kind of. Now I’ve pieced together what happened.CONTINUED: 54. CHARLIE That’s really sweet. CHARLIE What? JEFF Okay. JEFF Well. what? This is just an elaborate ruse to get you laid. in a way. (CONTINUED) . Can I see more videos. WARREN Oh. WARREN Awe.kind of our first client. CHARLIE Just you? JEFF Just him. CHARLIE What? WARREN Just me. CHARLIE So. JEFF No! No.

give me videos as they come in. CHARLIE That changes things. Then where will you be? JEFF You do have a great video. you won’t be our only customer for long. Well. I’m not going to withdraw my business now. CHARLIE No. CHARLIE Pop it in. Just. me off. JEFF I’ll give you a full I’m sorry. I’m fucking proud of this thing. refund. JEFF Really? Already? WARREN Yep. Let’s see it. JEFF Really? CHARLIE Yeah. JEFF I don’t know if we should watch it in front of client. CHARLIE I’m your only client. it’s fine. WARREN Well. JEFF Yeah. If I’m your only customer. I have made the world’s greatest commercial for us.CONTINUED: 55. Don’t piss JEFF Fair enough. (CONTINUED) .

CONTINUED: WARREN Yipee! Warren puts a tape into the camera and press play. three watch the screen as the commercial plays: COMMERCIAL SEQUENCE BEGINS: INT. I am! WARREN (VOICE OVER) Have you tried dating chicks? LONELY MAN Well. WARREN (VOICE OVER) A bar? The lonely man sits by himself in a corner. Warren narrates. INT. but I don’t know how to meet one! WARREN (VOICE OVER) How about. A LARGE APARTMENT . a little overweight. I’d sure like to. sits by himself watching a movie on the couch.DAY 56. A BAR .DAY A busy bar. WARREN (VOICE OVER) Hey.. LONELY MAN Bars are too hustling and bustling for my introverted self! I’m much too socially awkward to approach women in bars. and with a heavy New York accent. middle aged. stiffly. The A LONELY MAN. you! LONELY MAN Who me? WARREN (VOICE OVER) Yeah. like a b-level infomercial host. (CONTINUED) . you! Are you lonely? LONELY MAN As a matter of fact..

Her image freezes. HOME STUDIO . The words "THE CHICKS COME TO YOU!" appear in neon lettering. . lonely man. I want to meet the kind of woman who doesn’t spend time in bars! WARREN (VOICE OVER) Hmm. All you do is show up for one session of video recording. WARREN (VOICE OVER) Among others! VD works. LONELY MAN Wow.. is a service that allows you to pre-record all your introductions. or Video Dating. She is talking. LONELY MAN Wow.NIGHT Charlie’s dating profile... WARREN (VOICE OVER) That’s a good point! LONELY MAN Besides. but her words are muffled by disco music. that sure sounds great! But do women actually sign up for this? Does this actually work? WARREN (VOICE OVER) Yes! We have chicks like this: The commercial cuts to: INT.. neon lettering. because CHICKS LOVE VD! The words "CHICKS LOVE VD!" flash in different neon colors over neon colored backgrounds. VD. VD.then you might need: VD! The letters "VD!" appear on the screen in bright.what is that?! WARREN (VOICE OVER) Well.CONTINUED: 57. and let the chicks come to YOU! The image freezes.

DAY Charlie is in hysterics. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . with an address and phone number.do you? A final card is shown reading Marchester Video Dating. Warren is beaming with pride. and get your VD started today! Don’t be lonely anymore! Make an appointment. JEFF No. shock. what’s going on? Is it my acting? It’s not that bad. INT. APARTMENT COMPLEX PARKING LOT .. Warren. WARREN So? Do you love it? What do you think? Charlie laughs even louder. Chicks looooove VD!. and meet somebody. Jeff is in a petrified (CONTINUED) . it’s not that either. it’s not your acting. END COMMERCIAL SEQUENCE. It’s. no. laughing. it’s a few frames per second less than what induces seizures. WARREN (CONT’D) What. WARREN What is it? Is it the neon flashing? I checked.. uh. The commercial cuts to: EXT. is it? JEFF No. WARREN So come on down to our studio in the Greater Hollywood area. He faces the camera.DAY Warren stands in Jeff’s apartment complex parking lot in a suit and tie.58.

Charlie begins laughing again. WARREN (CONT’D) What is it? JEFF Warren.but VD is a pretty common term for venereal disease. I don’t know how this has managed to not make its way to you. A long silence. Warren. Herpes. Long. STDs. horrific. other than video dating? WARREN What? What do you mean? JEFF Well. shock.. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Thank you! WARREN So. CHARLIE I need a copy of this tape. WARREN What the fuck is a venereal disease? JEFF You know. Warren is in stunned. Charlie begins cracking up again. I just made a commercial that suggest women are-- (CONTINUED) .. Can I borrow it? I need to show my sisters. WARREN What? Silence.CONTINUED: 59. they’ll love it. are you aware that "VD" has other connotations. still in a state of shock. WARREN What. Like. removes the tape from the camcorder and hands it to Charlie.

. days. and it will never been seen again. We have to make sure this doesn’t air. CHARLIE We’re not. Just in case there is any confusion.CONTINUED: 60. JEFF You what? More hysterical laughter from Charlie. JEFF Crazy about STDs. JEFF Why? WARREN I.. WARREN This has been a waste of two JEFF It’s okay. This does explain some of the stifled laughter. It’s okay. I may have already paid to have the spot run 100 times by the end of the month. um. JEFF You have to stop it. WARREN I thought it would be a nice surprise! I didn’t realize that-JEFF How did nobody stop you? nobody realize? How did WARREN I was paying them. (CONTINUED) . though. Well. show it to her sisters. WARREN Yeah.I’m afraid that’s not the case. I guess. Charlie will take the tape home. we’ll make another one.

We just have to let it run it’s course. But most of my friends call me Big Cam. or a metaphorical ulcer? JEFF Both. HARRISON I’m looking for a woman who isn’t afraid to have the wind mess up her hair." And yes. CUT TO: HARRISON. Various people are being interviewed for their dating profiles. (Wink) (CONTINUED) . I’ve always found that strange as well. WARREN I signed a contract. a mustachioed man who looks as though he probably winks in too many situations. CAMERON. (He winks) Because I’m not afraid to get my clothes wet and dirty. a real ulcer. I know what you’re saying. I am feeling ulcery. Dachey. INT. I don’t think we can pull the spot. "Big Cam? You’re not that big.CONTINUED: 61. Charlie begins cracking up again. 27. (Winks) I want someone who’s ready for an adventure at a moment’s notice.DAY The blue screen again. WARREN Like. JEFF I can feel an ulcer forming. an extremely scrawny man in his late thirties is angled into the camera. SUPER: Two Months Later. HOME STUDIO . CAMERON The name is Cameron O. Now.

ohmygod. JEFF (O. but whatever. I go by Deb. Okay.) Is there are reason you’re winking after every sentence? HARRISON (To Jeff) I was? CUT TO: NILES Now. DEBORAH Ohmygod.S. and not mind a man in touch with his feminine side! CUT TO: DEBORAH. Uh. uh. doesn’t really matter. you’ve got to be able to keep up with me. I’m really good with electronics. but overly done-up for her video. okay. My name’s Deborah. pretty. like. CUT TO: The tech store Employee. mid 20’s. okay. I’m. She rambles a mile-a-minute. I may be no spring chicken.CONTINUED: 62. EMPLOYEE I. a little obsessed with Dyanasty. but I can still run around like one with its head cut off! CUT TO: RICHY My eye-deal lady keeps herself prim and proper! She keeps her nails manicured at all times! She must have an aff-in-it-y for romantic moonlit walks. but Rob Lowe’s cheekbones. let’s see. ohmygod. I’m looking for a guy with Scott Baio’s eyes. some of my friends call me Rah-Rah. CUT TO: (CONTINUED) . or Debbie.

could not be trying harder to look edgy. She’s donning a leather jacket with glam-rock patches and buttons on it. Hygienic.(to Jeff) Hey. early 20’s. CUT TO: STEVEN (Reading from note cards) The acceptable traits I would like for you to have include: Spunky. The CUT TO: DELILAH.DAY Jeff’s camera is on Delilah.. Sharp. and biting her nails. you know. And. list of unacceptable traits I would not like for you to have are as follows: Loud.. She manages to get out sentences between popping her gum. who is less than thrilled. Oh. you gotta fuckin’ problem with your camera? Leave it fuckin’ still.. A rainbow-liberty-spike-Mohawk shoots up out of frame. man? No fuckin’ dudes with mini-vans.CONTINUED: 63. Bossy. trying to get her bust and hair in the shot all at once. amused. Odoriferous. The camera keeps panning up and down. Warren and Martin watch. VLOCOYAVICH I want girl who have big afro. DELILAH I don’t want no business men. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . I like the afros. I am allergic to cats. Loyal. INT.. (CONTINUED) . It’s proving difficult. Big afro gives me big.oh ho ho! He gestures downwards and giggles. no one part of the system. Cat-Owner. And girls. Busty. Promiscuous. Conservative. Responsible. you gotta be cool with me fucking other guys. No nerdy white dudes. man.

after Delilah has left. I think people are really going to respond to you. you fuckin’ facist fuck. DELILAH (Legitimately cheerful) You think so? Later. JEFF Number fifty-one. I. now packed almost to the brim with cash. (CONTINUED) . WARREN This is making a great tape. only so much space can fit on the screen-DELILAH Fuckin’ typical. forty? Jeff checks some paperwork.CONTINUED: 64. JEFF The camera’s going to pay for itself by next month. I’m sorry my hair doesn’t conform to your fuckin’ picture-perfect-societal-fuckin-’television-star standards. uh. WARREN Fifty-one. Jesus. JEFF No. what. it’s just. loving the adult language. WARREN Liberty spikes makes. I’m having trouble framing your. uh-DELILAH Oh. JEFF I can not believe how much business your stupid commercial has gotten us. JEFF I’m sorry. Jeff stuffs some bills into his money jar. Martin laughs.

I really want to get started on the movie. I was thinking. Warren goes to the jar. why don’t we rent some studio space downtown? Film these profiles on an actual sound stage. WARREN Well.CONTINUED: 65. our apartment. Aren’t we having fun? JEFF You’re sleeping on the floor of a studio apartment. WARREN Great. WARREN Who fucking cares about the movie? We’ve made almost five (MORE) (CONTINUED) . JEFF What happened to you looking for a place? WARREN Why would I look for another place? We’re having fun. and begins to take money out of it. rather than our apartment. JEFF Warren. WARREN Doesn’t make much difference when you’re drunk. JEFF Our apartment? WARREN Yeah. JEFF Your half? I thought you were going to let me use whatever revenue we make to finance my movie. JEFF What are you doing? WARREN Taking my half.

JEFF (annoyed) I guess we should get going then. You don’t want to look at real estate. but we’re making the money so we have a movie budget. WARREN Actually. Not really. But let’s look at studio spaces anyway. Warren pulls out a stack of classifieds. WARREN Way ahead of you. But. JEFF Can’t we just bring him with us? WARREN That’s not going to be very interesting. entertaining the kid? He’s with us ’til five. eyes open. no. alright. WARREN (cont’d) grand in two weeks filming these freaks talking about themselves. Jeff sighs. do your fucking movie. WARREN Fine. fine. JEFF I know. WARREN (CONT’D) I’ve got an appointment to check out a space in thirty minutes. do you mind staying here. do you Martin? MARTIN Mar-teen.CONTINUED: 66. This is going too fucking well not to expand. I’ll spring for it. I’ll keep my (CONTINUED) . JEFF Yeah.

dude. JEFF I’ve heard people say it. uh. Yeah. MARTIN I don’t think people say that. Jeff and Martin stare JEFF So. I-The door shuts as Warren leaves. some bad.. come on. (CONTINUED) .CONTINUED: 67. you two! JEFF No. some good. I’ll be back. JEFF Right. WARREN See? Take him to a movie or something. huh? MARTIN Sí. MARTIN Who says that? JEFF People say that. JEFF How’s that going? MARTIN Eh.. MARTIN Nobody says that. awkwardly at each other. you’re a kid. no. MARTIN Where? JEFF In situations. no. no. no. JEFF No. WARREN Have fun.and settings. Right-a-rooni. as they say.

it’s good? MARTIN Mostly. I won that. JEFF (CONT’D) How’s. very deliberately: (CONTINUED) . JEFF But mostly. JEFF Right. When my head’s not in the toilet. JEFF Hmph. Then. or are you making fun of me? Martin takes a moment. Sometimes I get beat up. JEFF Are you saying that because it’s an expression. But. MARTIN Eleven. you know. MARTIN Exactly. how’s school? MARTIN It’s okay. They stare at each other another moment. and they put my head in the toilet. It’s awkward. JEFF How would you know? You’re twelve.CONTINUED: 68. JEFF Exactly. you don’t say exactly. MARTIN Right-a-rooni. MARTIN Exactly. JEFF No. I say exactly. uh.

DAY Let’s go. Jeff gets up to leave. CHARLIE Why can’t you guys just accept that Disco is dead. A DJ has a booth set up. Vlocyavich is dancing by himself. Warren is chatting up Delilah. Jeff and Charlie and standing together. 69. except for Vlocoyavich.CONTINUED: MARTIN Exactly. Warren insisted. A mostly vacant studio is set up for a party space. People are mostly snacking alone. CHARLIE Well. playing loud disco music. VLOCOYAVICH Oh yes! Vlocoyavich loves the disco dancing! Why is no one disco dancing? Charlie and Jeff laugh a little. this is awful. not interacting. STUDIO SPACE . eating snacks. already? JEFF Don’t look at me. smiling. Silence again. No one is dancing. all colorful characters. Vlocoyavich is having a great time. JEFF Hey. INT. JEFF Yeah. with Martin in tow. that worked. (CONTINUED) . There are tables with food and beverages. Thought it would encourage people to dance. Everyone from the dating-reels are standing around the walls. who is having a great time by himself. and pulling out some pretty decent moves. About fifty people are in attendance.

just awkward. JEFF Everyone just freezes. DELILAH I’m just an independent thinker..CONTINUED: 70.. WARREN Beat you? DELILAH No! WARREN There’s gotta be a reason you’re like this. WARREN They didn’t yell at you? DELILAH No. these cheese curls alone were worth the price of admission. Jeff laughs. (CONTINUED) . Warren is having a great time talking with Delilah. dude. CHARLIE Hey. but it’s. man. CHARLIE I guess this is what happens when you get a whole bunch of people who hate socializing in a social setting. Meanwhile. Warren thought monthly mixers would be a good idea. WARREN Your father hugged you enough as a kid? DELILAH Yep. who is having less of a great time. yes. WARREN Your parents are still together? DELILAH For the last time.

and it’s a real mind-bender. in a valour jacket. and kind of screw with your expectations. amused and in thought. and pulls out his camera. He focuses on her for a moment. Jeff puts his camera down for a moment.CONTINUED: WARREN Molested? DELILAH Dude! Back to Jeff and Charlie. Through the lens of his camera. staring dreamily at the dancer. CHARLIE What’s it about? Jeff is taken aback. JEFF You know what? I’ve got to get this on video tape. (CONTINUED) . CHARLIE Really. but the roller skater girl barely looks at him. Marty. No one will believe me. approaches the roller skater girl. He says something that can’t be made out over the music. what kind of films? JEFF Like. around twenty. great. He begins recording Vlocoyavich dancing. but then notices a ROLLERSKATER GIRL. ones that get inside your head. I wrote a screenplay. CHARLIE How’s it look through there? JEFF Oh. who are laughing. JEFF Thanks! I actually want to be a filmmaker. Jeff grabs a bag from behind the snack counter. CHARLIE You’re not so bad behind a camera. Jeff watches Vlocoyavich’s crazy moves for a moment. 71. I love this thing.

I guess I won’t consider my hundred dollars a complete waste. that’s good. were you overly sheltered? Maybe your parents didn’t let you go out by yourself? DELILAH No. DELILAH Well. (CONTINUED) . okay? WARREN Okay. Well-Back to Warren. Delilah. WARREN Maybe that’s why you need a video dating service to find someone. Martin nods. CHARLIE That is really cool! JEFF I thought so. CHARLIE Well. then. Because everyone you talk to face-to-face thinks you’re an asshole. Back to Jeff and Charlie. WARREN Well. I just fuckin’ like it.CONTINUED: JEFF You know. DELILAH Maybe I like being hostile. 72. no one has ever asked me that. you’re kind of an asshole yourself. and Martin. okay. WARREN Why? It’s unbecoming. I’m using the money from the business on its budget. Don’t have to be so hostile about it. DELILAH Maybe I don’t give a fuck what you find unbecoming. Jesus.

JEFF Fine. you don’t like Vlocoyavich? Or how about the Sergeant over there? CHARLIE The only half-decent guy here doesn’t have a profile tape.CONTINUED: 73. Open-ended. CHARLIE Okay. And then: An idea crosses Charlie’s mind and face.. like. I’m Jeff Marchester. and. CHARLIE Let me see that. tell me about yourself. That’s an awful question. He’s flattered. Chinese food. uh. perhaps close to a kiss. um. CHARLIE This one’s on me. no. I Jeff hesitantly hands it (CONTINUED) . JEFF What. JEFF Oh. over. JEFF I can’t afford a profile tape.. She motions for Jeff’s camera. JEFF Okay. Led Zeppelin and Star Wars. Um. Charlie focuses the camera on Jeff. She moves close to Jeff. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Tell me about yourself. God. They share a moment. CHARLIE It’s the first question you asked for my profile! Come on.

Are you sure? MARTIN That’s what he said. Once I have my heart set on something.CONTINUED: 74. I’m goal oriented. CHARLIE Like your movie. this is his damn party. He told me he was going to take that lady to Poundtown and that I should go find you. JEFF Christ. MARTIN Hola. I’m bad at keeping secrets. JEFF What? He better not be leaving town. CHARLIE That’s what you like. I kind of wear my heart on my sleeve. Charlie focuses the camera on (CONTINUED) . Martin comes up behind Jeff. JEFF Hey. and then they left together. I’m just a really open guy. I guess. CHARLIE Authentic. JEFF Like my movie! Um. tell me about yourself. buddy. CHARLIE You’re genuine. him. Where’s Warren? MARTIN He and the spikey-hair lady left to go to another city. I’ll stop at nothing to accomplish it. JEFF Some might say. Uh.

puta-JEFF Okay. so I can’t even find any hot poontang. poop. that’s not--never mind. who goes to return it behind the snack table. MARTIN That’s okay. CHARLIE Poontang? Who taught you the word "poontang?" MARTIN/JEFF Warren. asshole. Charlie gives the camera back to Jeff. shit. CHARLIE Are you having fun. JEFF Oh. I know a lot of adults-only words. fuck. you don’t need to-MARTIN dammit. cabron. ass. asshole! That CHARLIE Should you really say asshole in front of the kid? MARTIN I know that word already. fucking-- (CONTINUED) . And everybody here is older than me. penis. I know: bitch. JEFF I keep telling him to watch his language around you. honey? MARTIN Not really. Warren wasn’t really paying attention to me.CONTINUED: 75. CHARLIE Why not? MARTIN I don’t know.

CHARLIE Well. JEFF Well. sheepishly. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Oh. I bet you can get a date with any of the girls in this room. JEFF Any more in there? MARTIN No. MARTIN No. that is a yes. (CONTINUED) . there’s a time and place-MARTIN Oh. JEFF Works for Warren. are there any girls your age that you like? Martin smiles. with adult words like that. and pussy. CHARLIE Well. Beat.CONTINUED: JEFF I don’t think youMARIN fucker. we get it! MARTIN Dick. Martin laughs. fuckhead. um-JEFF Okay. Poontang. um. and. then. You have a crush! 76. motherfucker. JEFF Okay. and faggot. apparently.

Come on. but is ultimately stumped. MARTIN But he gets girls to like him.um. WARREN (CONT’D) This is not optional! Come on. Before he can respond. people start to follow him..CONTINUED: MARTIN There’s a girl in my class. CHARLIE Have you told her you think she’s pretty? MARTIN No. bud. WARREN We’re all moving to the Neon Mickey. Warren says complimenting women makes them think they’re better than you. (CONTINUED) . and we will all be getting laid! Nobody reacts. MARTIN They’re back from Poundtown already? JEFF Warren’s trips to Poundtown are always pretty short. She’s really pretty. um. Warren comes barreling out of the bathroom with Delilah.. but happy. we will all be getting fucked up. Or anything else. for that matter.. which makes it harder to. motherfuckers! He bolts towards the door. I guess I’ll take you back to the Y to meet your mom. Dominance. JEFF Yeah. He yells to the party.establish.. Jeff motions to argue. They both are looking disheveled. 77. don’t listen to anything Warren says when it comes to girls. the club two streets a-that-a-way! I will be buying everyone drinks.

JEFF Are you sure? CHARLIE Yeah.NIGHT A brief montage through Jeff’s camera of the crowd drinking. CHARLIE I can do it. loosening up a bit. even a hint of flirtations. Besides. Jeffrey. Some friendships begin to form. JEFF I’ll see you another time. of course. JEFF Why don’t I skip out with you? I’m not huge on the clubs either. INT. you should be at the event. I’m not much for the bar scene. and interacting. you’re the owner of the company.CONTINUED: 78. It was nice talking to you. someone should probably keep Warren in check. mind? He gestures to Martin. CHARLIE Nah. right? JEFF Probably true. MARTIN Okay. MARTIN Hasta Mañana. CHARLIE Of course not. NEON MICKEY’S CLUB AND BAR . See you You sure you don’t . later. Martin. I’m heading out anyway. Jeff smiles with his whole face.

JEFF Nipples. INT. JEFF Woah. that’s for damn sure. WARREN Check.NIGHT A drunk Jeff and Warren stumble into the apartment. JEFF Belly button. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . Everything was pierced below the liberty spikes. woah. WARREN I know! JEFF What was that like? Warren searches his intoxicated brain for a thoughtful answer. WARREN I’m telling you. man. WARREN Yep.79. WARREN I know. He finds only: WARREN Made it easier to find. woah. JEFF Nice! (CONTINUED) . JEFF What about her-WARREN Especially that. JEFF Woah.

JEFF I don’t know.. you’re turning bright red. man. Warren pokes Jeff in the heart-area. you have a crush.a monsoon.. You seemed to be hitting it off at the thing. I like her. JEFF I think that’s from the shots. (CONTINUED) . Look at you.CONTINUED: 80. WARREN You totally do. Chucky. WARREN Oh. He doesn’t close the door. Chips Ahoy. WARREN There’s a foreign guy? JEFF Thick accent. it’s from your heart. JEFF Charlie. JEFF How about the roller-skating chick hanging all over Vlocoyavich all night? WARREN Which one’s he? JEFF The foreign guy. WARREN What about you and whats-her-face? Charles. and begins urinating. JEFF I do not. was dancing up a. WARREN Whatever. WARREN No. then walks into the bathroom.

WARREN A little? They’re social retards. Superman. (CONTINUED) . I saw. they are. And Zorro. WARREN One guy was wearing a cape. flushes. they’re just a little awkward. 81. JEFF They’re not freaks. WARREN You want to know the list of people who can get laid wearing a cape? JEFF No. they-JEFF Flush! Warren walks back in. man. Jeffrey. and returns. JEFF Yeah. right? Warren plops down on the bed. Warren finishes up. A cape. come on. All those freaks kind of start blending together. man. JEFF Then it’s a good thing they have us to help them find people. WARREN Yeah. WARREN Batman. JEFF Dude. That’s it. That’s why they need us. WARREN They’re all weirdos. JEFF No.CONTINUED: WARREN I dunno. man. with begins to leave the bathroom.

Coffee. Yes. and begins hitting the ball. JEFF I resent that. WARREN (CONT’D) Mind if I turn on the TV? Oh wait. Warren kicks Jeff again. you don’t have any channels because there’s nothing to do in this apartment. WARREN Coffee! Jeff takes a moment to feel his hangover. JEFF If they were all smooth and personable. Warren kicks his brother. INT. WARREN Yeah. God. who is asleep on the floor. I’m getting really good at it. until he wakes up. Warren stretches a little. WARREN Coffee! (CONTINUED) . man? Huh? You fucking seeing this? Warren is sound asleep. I guess. JEFF’S STUDIO APARTMENT . sprawled out on Jeff’s bed.CONTINUED: 82. JEFF Oh. JEFF (CONT’D) You seeing this. Paddle ball is fucking incredible. Goddammit. JEFF (CONT’D) Oh.DAY Bright and early the next morning. Watch this! Jeff finds his paddle ball. WARREN They creep me out. we’d have no business.

DAY Warren and Jeff are both hungover. WARREN I hate this. WARREN What is it? (CONTINUED) . rubbing his temples while Jeff drives. Then. JEFF’S CAR . INT. this car or my fucking head. They eat in silence for a moment. Warren is in sunglasses. munching on breakfast and sipping coffee.CONTINUED: 83. DINER . WARREN I don’t know what’s going to explode first. JEFF Me too. the engine is extraordinarily imposing. JEFF Me too. JEFF I said yes! INT. suddenly: JEFF Fuck! WARREN What? JEFF Fucking shit. WARREN I hate this. WARREN I hate this. JEFF Me too.DAY Again.

WARREN Well. I didn’t get her anything. JEFF That’s because she loves you. WARREN What do you mean "dealing with Mom?" Mom’s not hard to deal with. WARREN She loves you. it’s not. what do we do? JEFF She’s going to be expecting us to take her out. what do we do? (CONTINUED) . JEFF Me either. But I feel like shit. WARREN No. JEFF Yeah. WARREN Normally. Whatever. JEFF Mom’s birthday is today. but she likes you. JEFF Me too. I don’t feel like dealing with Mom. JEFF Yes. I would scold you for being a bad son. WARREN Well.CONTINUED: 84. JEFF I don’t want to do that. it is. right? WARREN Probably.

anything in the world. JEFF Bestow away. to mother’s birthdays. JEFF You have my word. I’m going to bestow some knowledge upon you. Your Honor. Nobody ever lies about things that make them look bad. JEFF I promise. JEFF Yeah? WARREN Yeah. Tell someone you have diarrhea. WARREN I need your word. JEFF The Diarrhea Technique? WARREN T-D-T. from work. No further questions.CONTINUED: 85. my brother. case closed. game over. To get out of anything. WARREN I got it. WARREN I don’t think you understand just how big this is. all you have to do is make up an excuse that’s a little bit embarrassing. but how can we both say we have diarrhea? (CONTINUED) . to weddings. but you have to promise that you will never tell another soul. Who’s going to lie about having the Hershey squirts? JEFF Yeah. man! WARREN Okay. I call it: The Diarrhea Technique.

JEFF It’s worth a try. He angles the phone to Jeff. WARREN (whispering) We have diarrhea. happy birthday.CONTINUED: 86. EXT. Warren rests his silverware for a moment. Jeff is leaning against the booth. he slams it down triumphantly. WARREN Hey. listening. WARREN Hmm. stumped. WARREN (CONT’D) Got it! Food poisoning.DAY Warren is waiting for an answer on a public phone in the middle the street. WARREN (whispering) Why are you coughing? JEFF (whispering) I’m being sick. We both got food poisoning from the bar food last night. Can’t go out. PHONE BOOTH . Mom. JEFF Happy birthday. Mom! He coughs violently. JEFF (whispering) Yeah? WARREN (whispering) You don’t cough when you have diarrhea! (CONTINUED) . We’re both tied to the toilet. Then.

CONTINUED: 87. (CONTINUED) . bye-bye. okay. (beat) Oh. but--(beat) Yeah. and I’m pretty sure it was bad. (beat) I love you. But Jeff and I ate some shrimp at the bar last night. Only works if you use it sparingly. Mom. (beat) Okay. WARREN Jeff loves you. Warren glares. Hey. you know. sure. uh. It’s a little embarrassing to tell you this but. diarrhea. we love you. listen. JEFF (CONT’D) Oh. He coughs. right. Warren hangs up the phone. too. right. I wish we could. (beat) Yeah. Mom. JEFF Love you. we’re both having some. I don’t think we’re going to be able to see you today. WARREN Anyway (beat) Yeah. Mom. and we’re really glad you made it. JEFF Damn it. JEFF What? Fuck! WARREN I forgot I used that excuse a few days ago when Tom Jones was in town. I’m here. (beat) Mhm. JEFF Well? WARREN We’re having dinner with Mom. JEFF (whispering) Oh. I’m here.

WARREN Whatever. Martin is overdressed in a tuxedo. presented unnecessarily elegantly. at least Kyle was thoughtful enough to dress up. WARREN We really need to get you another one. bring Martin. INT. JEFF (CONT’D) Right? MARTIN It’s a little 70’s. and Martin sit around a table at a nice restaurant. I’ll Estelle. Warren.CONTINUED: 88. JEFF This shirt is totally cool! Everyone’s a little awkward. JEFF This is my nice shirt. MARTIN Yes I was! (CONTINUED) . ESTELLE Sure. easy go.NIGHT Ah. Jeff. you weren’t even born yet. JEFF How would you know. MARTIN Mar-teen. well. WARREN Easy come. RITZY RESTAURANT . eating from ridiculously small portions of food. JEFF Mar-teen. ESTELLE Well. dear.

JEFF In no way is practically your grandson! Where the hell are you getting this stuff from? ESTELLE Calm down. it’s only you. JEFF Oh. really. JEFF Why do you want us here if you’re just going to make fun of us? WARREN Well. JEFF I’m just saying it wouldn’t kill you to be supportive of me. ESTELLE Well you can’t say he didn’t make the effort to look nice. MARTIN She complimented me. you know? ESTELLE I am plenty supportive. do you need to pick on the kid? JEFF He started it. compliment the kid you didn’t have. WARREN Jeff. he’s practically my grandson.CONTINUED: 89. (CONTINUED) . yeah. ESTELLE (CONT’D) How’s your little video going? JEFF It’s a movie. Jeffrey. ESTELLE Well. They sit in silence a moment.

WARREN Only because he won’t let me use any of our profits to put back into the company. I’m sorry. You’re my son. (CONTINUED) . WARREN With the whole family! JEFF And your sidekick. JEFF Well. WARREN He is part of the family! JEFF He has a family! Do you even want me here? ESTELLE Of course I want you here.CONTINUED: 90. Pause. and you wanted to come celebrate my birthday with me. JEFF I don’t know why I came. ESTELLE And you wonder why I didn’t ask. I haven’t started yet--but we’re doing really well raising the budget for it. ESTELLE How’s your little movie going? JEFF It’s not little! For once can you just take what I’m doing seriously? ESTELLE Fine. ESTELLE Because I am your mother. How is your movie going.

(CONTINUED) .. The days I see you or Warren are the only days I’m not alone. I don’t have a favorite son. ESTELLE Jeffrey.lonely. I am happy that you’re here. Jeff begins to get up. man. It’s nice not to spend my birthday alone. I didn’t think about you being.. ESTELLE But you’re still my son! JEFF Mom! ESTELLE What? Oh. The table is quiet a moment. WARREN Well. JEFF Not your favorite son. I mean. JEFF I’m going. I’ve lived alone since you left for college. JEFF Sure. ESTELLE Jeffrey. don’t you feel like a jerk? JEFF A little. WARREN Don’t go. ESTELLE Jeffrey.CONTINUED: 91. ESTELLE I am! JEFF It really shows.

WARREN Hey! INT. I’ve been in the saddle. the saddle’s been in me... JEFF Well.I’m sorry. ESTELLE Mothers have emotions. well. JEFF Stop it.DAY Estelle is framed in Jeff and Warren’s camera. ESTELLE I haven’t been on a date in such a long time. I just. ESTELLE Are you sure this is a good idea. ESTELLE That’s okay. man! I’m sorry. too. what better way to get back on the horse? WARREN Back in the ole saddle. Warren’s eyes light up. WARREN Positive. She’s all (CONTINUED) . but looking nervous. STUDIO SPACE .CONTINUED: 92. well-ESTELLE Or rather. gussied up. Yes. boys. JEFF Yeah.. ESTELLE Oh. WARREN So thoughtless.

CONTINUED:

93.

JEFF Gross. WARREN And all of a sudden, I’m filled with regret. ESTELLE Quiet, how do you think you were conceived? JEFF Well, knowing Warren’s ego, he’d probably say immaculate conception. WARREN It’s not out of the question. WARREN I just haven’t been wined and dined in ages. Made a man really work for it, you know? Jeff and Warren’s faces give way that, yes, they do now know. And they perhaps didn’t wish to. INT. STUDIO SPACE - DAY Another Marchester Dating Service shindig. Again, super cheesy early-eighties/late seventies music is playing. The full ensemble of video daters are in attendance. This time, it’s not just Vlocoyavich that’s rocking the dance floor. Friend groups are forming, mostly same-sex groups, mostly around the snack foods, but forming none-the-less. Jeff and Charlie watch a group of people dance. Jeff begins filming. CHARLIE You know you don’t have to film them during their everyday lives, right? JEFF This is so...so cute, though. like a proud parent, man. I’m

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

94.

CHARLIE Hey, me too. I’ve watched this thing take off. JEFF Yeah. CHARLIE It’s quite possibly my looks that made this all happen. JEFF It’s possible. CHARLIE I’m probably entitled to most, if not all of your profits. JEFF I’ll be right back. Charlie smiles, a little happy for Jeff’s passion, a little rejected. Jeff approaches a dancing Cameron. JEFF (CONT’D) Mind if I ask you a couple questions on video tape? Jeff starts recording. CAMERON Oh, yes, yes you may. Yes. JEFF How is video dating going for you? CAMERON Ah, well, I’ve had a couple of, uh, dates. A couple of little nibbles. Haven’t found the big L yet. Uh, love. Not lesbian. Not looking for lesbians. CUT TO: Jeff is videotaping Marty, as he dances. JEFF Mind if I ask you a couple questions?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

95.

MARTY Fire away, my friend. JEFF How do you find video dating has worked for you? MARTY My friend, my friend, my friend. It has done wonders. Ladies have been introduced to the party that is Marty. JEFF Have you gotten a lot of second dates? MARTY Uh, no second dates yet. But I did form a group of fellow party enthusiasts with whom to go to clubs. JEFF From these social events? MARTY That’s right. Vlocoyavich discos into the shot. VLOCOYAVICH Vlocoyavich and Marty go dancing every Friday! Pick up chicks, man! MARTY So far, no chicks, but, yeah. CUT TO: Jeff filming the tech store guy. EMPLOYEE You’re putting that camera to good use, eh? JEFF Almost. How’s video dating working out for you?

(CONTINUED)

WARREN (CONT’D) It’s all about finding the cock dock. am I right? DEBORAH (Oblivious) Oh.S) Ohmigodohmigodohmigod. Warren has Deborah bent over a sink. out of the mirror. She makes eye contact through it with Warren.. you’re right. A quizzical. possibly scarred. man.CONTINUED: 96. Jeff pans over to a bathroom door.put your face in the mirror. EMPLOYEE It’s. Gotten a few dates. baby. She moans and pulls up a little. but Deborah obliviously continues to scream humorously and manically. looks on. JEFF Dude! WARREN Dude.. A horrified tech-employee It’s a got a stick . She’s contorting her face into unattractive moans. it’s been-Sexual sounds cut off the employee. DEBORAH (O. Warren pushes her face down. Jeff pushes open the door. putting her face in front of the mirror. annoyed look from Jeff. it’s a good system. you’re right. Thanks. Jeff closes the bathroom door. and is humping from behind her. that’s right. Made a couple friends. figure wearing a dress on it. you’re right. Warren takes notice of Jeff and winks. uh. WARREN Can you not.

97. .

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