GREAT JOKES

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook. It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube when out on the lawn there a rose such a cry, that I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, as each little reindeer now emptied its bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, when down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. That was some brothel, he said with a smile, the reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, he poured a drink, then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, the old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, but his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, the next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, and several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, a dildo so long, it lay in a coil. This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, so I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split. He filled every stocking and then took his leave, with one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch! The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, the best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off." One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said

"feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats". On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Down stairs, the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again, the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey. Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey! Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!" Money’s short times are hard here’s a fucking Christmas card it was the night before Christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse. Moms at the whorehouse Dads smokin' grass I just settled down for a nice piece of ass. When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I went outside to see what’s the matter out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew at that moment it must be Saint Nick. He came out the chimney like a bat out of hell I knew at that moment that fucker had fell. He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He went up the chimney with just one fart, I knew right then he blew my chimney apart. He rode off out of sight saying fuck you all and have a good night! Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy "Why are you tardy," the boy replies "I've been on Blueberry Hill" the teacher said "Take your seat." She asks the next boy why he was late. "I was on Blueberry Hill also" he replied. Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer. As the boys we're sitting down a girl arrives in. "Let me guess", said the teacher. "You where on Blueberry Hill also", "no.... I am Blueberry Hill,” replied the girl.

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach. But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case. Soon came a little girl that asks, "Sir, what's under the newspaper?" The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it." He soon falls asleep. Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach. Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said, "Well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke its neck, stepped on its eggs, and burned it's nest." 3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop. They tried to get out of the speeding ticket, so the woman said if all your dicks equal up to 15 inches she’d let you off. The driver pulls out his dick, which is 7 inches. The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out, which is 6 inches. The last guy in the back pulls his out and it's 2 inches. So they get out of the ticket. After a while they hear the guy in the back laughing hysterically. The driver asks, "Why are you laughing?" the guy in back says, “Good thing I was popping a boner.” There was a young girl who was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's license. She had been made fun of from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her license. When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors. She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at. The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first." Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed. As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up and said "Dad your dick tastes like shit!" Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight." There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. "Well, I don't

really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said. "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove

that this chair does not exist.” Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in les than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?” A beautiful young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do; first take a shower, splash on some nice smelling perfume, Slip into a very sexy gown, crawl into bed and position the frog in place. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

A blond is driving down a deserted highway when she gets pulled over. The cop gets out of his car and asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No". So he radios the station and asks what to do. The cop at the station says, "Is she a blond driving a lipstick red corvette?" and the cop replies "Yes". So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your dick as you walk up to her". So the cop does exactly what the other cop says. The blond gets out of the car and he whips out his dick. The blond "sighs" and says,” please not another Breathalyzer test.” A little old lady went into a bank, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" The bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets. “The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet, "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the bank president's balls in my hand." If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have? 2 ft. of my cock in your ass. What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frog’s fingers.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savoir," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND JAM IT UP YOUR ASS!" The Teacher fainted. A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!" Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, while they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have

three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could! One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asks the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples." Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He

asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, what were you thinkin'? What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese!

Confucius Say...
"Man who run in front of car get tired, Man who run behind car get exhausted." "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day." "Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly." "Women virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!" "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." "Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangcock" "Man with one chopstick go hungry." "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails." "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money." "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!" "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it." "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left." "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house." "Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night." "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!" "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" "It takes many nails to build house, but one screw to fill it." "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!" "Man who stand on toilet high on pot!" "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement" "He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs." "Man who farts in church sits in own pew."

Comebacks & Insults
So, a thought crossed your mind! Must have been a long and lonely journey. Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! Have you considered suing your brains for non-support? Don't you need a license to be that ugly? I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster is definitely dead. If you had another brain, it would be lonely. If you were any more stupid, you'd have to be watered twice a week. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. When your IQ reaches 50, you should sell. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. There is no vaccine against stupidity. I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it! I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. He's not stupid; he's just possessed by a retarded ghost. You’re the kind of a person that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot. If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date. The proctologist called...they found your head. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. Yo mama's so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Children Books you will never see
"You Are Different and That's Bad" "Dad's New Wife Timothy" "Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games" "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets" "Babar Meets the Taxidermist" "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence" "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables" "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change from your Mom's Purse" "The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy" "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will" "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead" "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School" "Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear" "You Were an Accident" "Strangers Have the Best Candy" "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" "Some Kittens Can Fly!" "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" "Where Would You Like to be Buried" "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" "All Dogs Go to Hell" "The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking" "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It" "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" "Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet Become Friends" "Bi-Curious George" "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" "Beat Up Enemies Fast, and Other Fun Recess Games" "The Best and Complete Guide to Throwing Tantrums" "My daughter, Billy" "Let's chase that Rabid Raccoon and See What Happens!" "Barney and His Dinosaur Friends Trample New York City" "What Happens if I Pour Gasoline in the Fireplace?" "Let's use the Kitty as our Lasso!"

Bumper Sticker Sayings
“Born Free.....Taxed to Death.” “Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.” “Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.” “Don't steal....The Government hates Competition.” “99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.” “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” “All men are Idiots, and I married their King.” “Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility.” “Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.” “Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.” “I love cats...they taste just like chicken.” “What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?” “Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.” “Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.” “I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” “If you are psychic - think HONK.” “It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats,” “Keep honking, I'm reloading.” “Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control.” “Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in public schools.” “Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” “Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?” “Honk if anything falls off.” “I are proud to be a college student.” “For a small town, there sure are a lot of assholes!” “If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!” “Honk to see finger!” “Better a blow job, than no job!” “My Other Ride is YO MOMMA!” “Work hard, the people on welfare depend on you!” “I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.” “Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.” “Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.” “WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.” “A woman need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” “My son is inmate of the month!”

“I wish I was Barbie...That BITCH has everything!” “It looks like you bought that car from Dollar General!” “It's fun to cheat on a test but, not on people” “Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired out the back of a car window.” “No fat chicks...........I just got new tires” “P.E.T.A. - People. Eating Tasty Animals” “CAUTION: Your daughter might be on board” “Hang up and drive!” “Welcome to America.... Now speak English.” “Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.” “Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.” “Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.” “Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: Everybody, But Me.” “If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.” “Impotence... Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings.” “I may be a cold hearted and an unloving bitch, but I'm damn good at it” “How am I driving? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS” “I'm not an alcoholic, Alcoholics go to meetings, I am a drunk!” “Don’t laugh at my ride, your daughter may be in it!” “Horn broke watch for finger” “I'm not psychotic, I can’t read your mind.” “Keep staring I might do a trick.” “Chicks dig my ride.” “I found Jesus... he was behind the coach the whole time.” “I didn't sell my soul to Satan...... but we did work out a rent to own deal.” “Dyslexic satan worshipers think they're worshipping Santa.” “I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.” “I smile because I have no Idea what’s going on.” “Guys: just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.” “STOP FOLLOWING ME, I don't know where I'm going.” “It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him.” “If god wanted people to be queer he would have created Adam and Steve.” “Ass, gas or grass no one rides for free.” “Safe Sex Sucks So Screw Someone Special.” “If you're gonna ride my ass, could you at least pull my hair!?” “Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doin!” “Who Lit the Fuse on YOUR Tampon??” “Maybe you could driver better if that phone was up your ass?” “All men are like dogs you must train them first or they will go into someone

else’s yard.” “I'm PMSing so get out of my way.” “If you can read this your a nosey little bitch.”

The Darwin Award:
The Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives: by eliminating themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chance of long-term survival. In other words, they are cautionary tales about people who kill themselves in really stupid ways, and in doing so, significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race. These individuals carry out disastrous plans that any average pre-teen knows are the result of a really bad idea. The single-minded purpose and self-sacrifice of the winners, and the spectacular means by which they snuff themselves, make them candidates for the honor of winning a Darwin Award. The terrorist who mails a letter bomb with insufficient postage deserves to win a Darwin Award when he blows himself up opening the returned package. As does the fisherman who throws a lit stick of dynamite for his faithful golden retriever to fetch and return to him. As do the surfers who celebrate a hurricane by throwing a beachfront party and getting washed out to sea. Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards represent examples of evolution in action by showing what happens to people who are unable to cope with the basic dangers of the modern world. These ironic tales of fatal misadventure illustrate some of life's most important lessons. Most of us know instinctively that the words "trust me" and "light this fuse" are a recipe for disaster. We assume that basic common sense eliminates the need for public service announcements such as, "Warning: Coffee is hot!" and "Superman cape does not enable wearer to fly." But the true stories you will read show that common sense is really not so common. No amount of overzealous caution would have helped the man who used household current to electrocute fish in a pond, then waded in to collect his catch without removing the wire. As you'll see, there are even people who need to be told not to peek inside a gas can using a cigarette lighter. The Darwin Awards are macabre tales that make us laugh while instructing us in the laws of common sense. Consider the man who crawled under the roller coaster guardrail to retrieve his hat. When the next coaster came by, an unfortunate rider broke her leg on his skull. Ouch! From our point of view, the man who lost his head is a Darwin Award winner, and his story is just another episode in the saga of survival of the fittest. The Darwin

Awards can be considered a rusty chromosome award for those who douse the gene pool with chlorine. (13 January 2005, Croatia) One fateful afternoon, 55-year-old Marko retreated to his semi-detached workshop to make himself a tool for chimney cleaning. The chimney was too high for a simple broom to work, but if he could attach a brush to a chain and then weigh it down with something, that would do the trick. But what could he use as a weight? He happened to have the perfect object. It was heavy, yet compact. And best of all, it was made of metal, so he could weld it to the chain. He must have somehow overlooked the fact that it was also a hand grenade and was filled with explosive material. Marko turned on his welding apparatus and began to create an arc between the chain and the grenade. As the metal heated up, the grenade exploded. The force of the explosion killed poor Marko instantly, blasting shrapnel through the walls of the shed and shattering the windshield of a Mercedes parked outside. Marko's chimney was untouched, however. (3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland) It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammunition. The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons for a break. The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment, decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men, achieving complete surprise. But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack. The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack. The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick action and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one shot. And this, kiddies, is why we don't play with knives or guns. Ever. Even if we are trained professionals, and especially if our target is a trained professional. (16 February 2004, Simi Valley, California) Alan, a 43-year-old electrician, was hanging out with his 17-year-old son and the son's girlfriend. They were feeling cooped up, so they hopped the back fence to play by the railroad tracks that ran behind it. Alan thought it would be a blast to watch a shopping cart being dragged by a train. He tied one end of a 20-foot rope to the shopping cart, and the other end to a full water bottle, as a weight. When an

86-car Union Pacific freight train rumbled through at 15 mph, Alan stood behind the cart and hurled the bottle at the train. The bottle broke! So he tied another bottle to the rope. Standing in front of the cart, he lobbed the bottle under the train and gleefully noted that his plan worked this time--until the shopping cart whipped into him, and dragged him over a mile along the tracks, reportedly pulling up two spikes in the process. A spokesman for the Federal Railroad Administration said this was "an extremely unusual occurrence." Alan was dead before the engineer could stop the train. His son told reporters, "He was just the funniest guy." After the incident, Simi Valley Police Sgt. Joe May warned pedestrians not to loiter near train tracks.

"Does it really matter what these affectionate people do, so long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the horses?" -Mrs. Patrick Campbell (3 March 2002, England) as Kim and Paul left the Sheffield pub, they noticed that a streetlight was burned out, creating a pool of darkness on the road. Unable to rein in their passion, they began to consummate their relationship on the asphalt outside the pub. Witnesses said the couple was lying right on the white line, kissing and cuddling. The passionate pair was warned of the danger of their coital position not once, not twice, but three times -- by a car driver, a bus driver, and a pedestrian. An off-duty paramedic honked and shouted, "You want to get up, otherwise you'll be run over." The man simply said "Cheers, mate," and the paramedic heard a female laughing. A bus driver swerved to avoid them, and drove past with wheels on the curb. A concerned pedestrian shouted to warn them that another bus was headed their way. Despite these disruptions, Kim and Paul continued, oblivious to the approach of a small, single-decker Nipper bus. The bus driver mistook the undulating shape for a bag of rubbish in the poorly lit street, and was unable to stop in time. There was a dull thud... Kim and Paul were struck and killed at midnight. Paramedics found Kim lying on her back with her jumper pulled up, and Paul between her legs with his trousers pulled down. The only downside to this timely removal of lunacy from the gene pool is the fate of the bus driver. Despite the couple's irregular actions, and a police investigator's statement that "to expect a driver to anticipate a pedestrian lying in the road is out of the ordinary," a judge fined him for careless driving, and his license was revoked for six months. Fortunately, his employers consider him an excellent employee, and plan to give him other duties for six months. Relatives of the victims said they were glad the driver had kept his job. This tale surely answers the Beatles' question, "Why don't we do it in the road?
(28 January 2005, Pendang, Thailand) It's no secret that elephants are big. Elephants eat hundreds of pounds of food a day just to maintain their

weight. Indian elephants are nine feet tall at the shoulder. They're so powerful that in Southeast Asia, males are used to haul massive tree trunks with their three-foot tusks, work performed by heavy equipment in other countries. It's also no secret that teasing an animal makes it mad. Teasing an animal that can carry a tree with its tusks may not be a good idea. Yet that was the very idea that formed in Prawat's head, when he saw a herd of five performing elephants chained to trees outside a Buddhist temple. While the owner waited inside for an entertainment permit, Prawat, a 50-year-old rubber-tapper, offered sugar cane to one of the ever-hungry elephants... then pulled it away. Then he did it again. And again. And again. The game was great fun for Prawat, but the elephant quickly tired of it. The last time Prawat withdrew the treat, the elephant swung his massive tusks and gored him through the stomach. Prawat died on the way to the hospital. The elephant got his treat. (8 February 2005, CAE Philly, Wales) "If Wales wins, I'll cut my balls off," Geoff told his mates at a social club while watching the rugby match between England and its arch-rival. His friends thought the 26-year-old was joking, but after Wales' 11-9 victory over England, he went home, castrated himself with a knife, and walked the length of two rugby fields back to the bar to show his shocked friends the evidence. It was Wales' first home win over England in 12 years. Geoff was taken to a hospital where he remained "in a seriously ill condition."

Note: Police reported that Geoff had a history of mental problems, so he may not have been of sound mind at the time. If so, this is regarded as a disqualification for a Darwin Award.

(June 1999, California) Last summer down on Lake Isabella, in the high desert east of Bakersfield, a woman was having trouble with her boat. No matter how she tried, she just couldn't get her new 22-foot Bay liner to perform. It was sluggish in every maneuver, regardless of the power applied. She tried for an hour to make her boat go, but finally gave up and putted over to a nearby Marina for help. A topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outboard motor pivoted up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. One of the Marina guys jumped in the water to check beneath the boat. He came up almost choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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