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Pay for your education: smoke and drink
Premier Wall’s budget meant to make “rowdy teens” pay for own education
Thursday’s provincial budget has placed the burden squarely on adolescents to start paying for their post-secondary education years in advance by raising taxes on both tobacco and liquor products across the province. As it is well known, morallybankrupt teens party every weekend, smoking cigarettes and drinking all manner of alcohol, and the new tax on these products will “I think the budget is pretty clearly saying to teens, ‘look, you’re partying away the money you should be saving for your education, so the government is going to take a little more of that and reinvest it in postsecondary education’ said University of Regina President Vianne Timmons. “And it’s not just those hooligans in high school; it’s the second, third, or fourth year students that frequent the Owl every day of the week. Hell, Keg-o-rama basically financed a new TA for the English department by itself.” Premier Brad Wall said that the increase in “sin” taxes is in typical Sask. Party fashion innovative, forward thinking, and unquestionably right. “I mean, let’s face facts,” said Premier Wall in the post-budget scrum,

“Kids smoke and drink, or at least the cool ones do. We just want to increase the tax on those rowdy teens so that they will, with every cigarette and every mickey, be investing a little bit in their future. Our only regret is we could find a way to shoehorn P3 funding into post-secondary education, but maybe next year.” Students who will be affected by the increase in the tax have for the most

Seen above is Premier Brad Wall fulfilling his necessitities for getting his own education. Enrico Falafel/Metro News

part understood the government move. For tenth grader Stephen Krum, the message has never been clearer. “I really wasn’t that interested in smoking or drinking, but if I want to do my part in balancing the provincial budget and being able to keep universities operating, I have to take up smoking. And the occasional Canadian is going to have to get a lot more frequent.”

“I just really want to go to university in a few years, and apparently this is the only conceivable way that funding for them might ever be possible.” Marvin Power/Metro News

Escalator stuck midway through trip causes terrifying situation
54 passengers on board an escalator traveling from the first floor to the second floor of the Cornwall Centre faced grueling circumstances when their escalator stopped working midway through the trip.
Passengers were stuck for more than 13 hours as the Cornwall repair crew tried to fix the problem. “We don’t really know what’s going on. This is the first time something like this has happened to us, and we apologize for the inconvenience and time delay that this has caused our customers,” said Cornwall executive director Wendy Troy. The Cornwall Center has two escalators transporting passengers between both floors of the mall. The center also has a staircase that customers can manually climb to reach the second floor. “I usually take the stairs, but today, I thought I would change my mode of transportation,” Laila Hood said. “Now I’m stuck here, and I’ve missed my dentist appointment and my son’s soccer game. This is really frustrating.” Beyond just missing important appointments, passengers also described the event as truly horrific. “It’s a simple journey that’s turned into such a cruel and unusual punishment,” Roger Benny said. Terry Wood agrees. “For the first time in my life, I know what it’s like to be in a hostage situation. It’s scary. You are just stuck waiting, not knowing what’s going to happen,” he said. Cornwall’s repair crew was able to fix the problem – an overheated motor – and passengers were gifted with shopping cards for their troubles.
by the numbers

number of people startled annually by unpredictable but scary escalators
Tubular Cateefa/Metro News

2

being stuck on an escalator can give people a sense of going nowhere.

‘Stop your bitching’
ScantronEssay prototype to replace sessional instructors
Backlash against cuts to the English department about the loss of many sessional and TA instructors has caused the university administration to reverse its decision. “We’re pleased to announce our new innovative way of delivering supplementary instruction in the form of a public-private partnership with Scantron,” president Vianne Timmons announced on Monday. “We’ve found Scantron to be very effective in helping with the marking of exams in Business and Engineering, but I thought, why do we have to limit the efficiencies of Scantron to those faculties?” Provost Tom Chase added. Come fall, professors teaching English 100 will be aided by the new ScantronEssay proto-type. It works in the same way Scantron’s multiple-choice tests work, where a test is fed through a machine and a score determined by a computer. However, some people are stuck in the past and unwilling to embrace innovation. “Are you fucking kidding me,” department head Nicholas Ruddick told Metro. “How the hell is a computer going to mark an essay?” “It’s literally just a paper shredder,” third-year student William Wenaus added. “You put your essay in the machine, and it comes out in shreds.”

Shredding papers seemed like a clever solution to dealing with having to mark student work: Innovation!

Ma ny W or d s

Bad life choices and a Chia Pet .

ALL PHOTOS GEDDY LEE IMAGES

Watch out, John John ... Taylor Swift has her eye on you
MANY WORDS Puald Bergden celebritybullshit@deponews.ca

We take back what we said about T. Swift.

Taylor Swift has totally been eye-fuckin’ the shit out of 20-year-old pro surfer John John Florence, according to some fucking losers whose lives are so pathetic they have to live vicariously through the personal lives of celebrities. “They’ve totally been, like, texting and

junk,” a source says. “Apparently she texted him. I don’t think they have hung out yet, but they’ve been talking. Talking. That’s some newsworthy shit right there. John John doesn’t want to ruin things, so he’s being careful not to say too much.”

Rehab doesn’t seem to be getting in the way of Lohan’s selflove life Just because Lohan masturLindsay Lohan bating in priis facing 90 vate. “How the days in rehab fuck did you doesn’t mean get into my she can’t keep room? I’m trypaddling that ing to turn my pink canoe. life around; Statistically can’t you stupid speaking, most fucks give me people mastur- some goddamn bate, but our privacy?,” she sources were told E! News. shocked to find

Vianne Timmons

Yesterday, Vianne Timmons was seen leaving the U of R and driving home. “This is where I live. What the hell do you want from me!” she said on Wednesday. “Go the fuck away, or I’m calling the cops,” she added. Her secretary told Metro that she left for home

Vianne Timmons seen leaving U of R, going home

at 6 p.m. that evening. “That’s what time she usually goes home,” she said. Our source also told us that Timmons drives a “car” to the U of R. “It has four wheels. Also doors,” our source told us.

Tom chase and his sandwich are reunited after his latest stint doing his job in the morning, and the couple reportedly celebrated by hitting up their favourite local dive bar, Riddell Centre. “They seemed really happy with each other. Tom and Sandy were having so much fun together,” a source says. “They sat in the back of Riddell in a booth and were laughing. At one point, there were standing at a table just being normal, as any person and his or her sandwich would be with each other. They were touchy-feely. There were crumbs on his jacket. They were just being cute.”

Chase reunites with sandwich at lunch after working in the morning

Twi tte r

@horse_ebooks . . . . . Ice Cream has become an American

Sidney Crosby to join Cougars
If you thought having a three-time Olympic gold medalist, former professional hockey player on a university team was unfair, think again.
It has recently been announced that the Stanley Cup champion, Olympic gold medalist, and Tim Bits icon Sidney Crosby will join the University of Regina Cougars next season. Crosby has had enough of professional hockey, already accomplishing everything he could, and since there is apparently no age cap or any sort of restrictions on professional players joining university teams, he has chosen to suit up with the Regina Cougars this fall. If it is perfectly acceptable for Hayley Wickenheiser to suit up with the Calgary Dinos, then there should be no problems at all with Crosby joining the Cougars. In fact, Crosby is younger and has won fewer Olympic medals, so really he’s a step down from Wickenheiser. Now the Dinos will know the anger that every other athlete

Sidney Crosby is pictured here with his news team members
and school in the country felt when the Dinos announced the signing of a professional athlete returning to amateur hockey to compete against amateur athletes, most of whom have never even been to the Olympics, much less competed in four of them. But since returning to amateur level hockey after playing professionally is apparently no big deal, why wouldn’t Crosby join the Cougars where he can dominate everyone else in the league, be the leagues leading scorer and lead his new team to a CIS championship within his first two years on the team. If this idea seems outlandish and incredibly unfair, that’s because it is.

Fall McApples/Metro News

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