The Fat Eris CookbooK

a culinary project in motion by Discordians www.principiadiscordia.com www.blackironprison.com

Recipies

Delicious*

*Always.

Felix’s
Basics
NE PIC ED s TU RE
Cut the ends off a bag of pearl onions, skin on. Coat them in olive oil and roast them @ 375 F until they're brown. Push the caramelized onion out of its' paper into a saute pan with an equal proportion of chopped tomatoes, and some more olive oil. Add a touch of salt and a bit of brown sugar and simmer on low heat for a very long time, stirring occasionally. Add some fresh chopped basil and oregano, and some ground white pepper. Pasta sauce.

Richter’s
LMNO
 Inspired
Curry
Rice
Use .5 - 1 tablespoon of curry powder for each cup of rice. Depending on taste. In a pot large enough for your rice and extras, combine curry powder, light olive oil, and sriacha. Mix together on low heat. Add rice, increase heat, and mix until coated. Add water (2 cups water for every 1 cut rice) Bring to a boil, then simmer / steam. When most of the water is cooked into the rice, add about 3 cups veggies (Fresh spinach, frozen then added works, and wilts in nicely. Peppers, onion, mushroom, squash also work.) Cook until remaining water is gone. Add 1/8- 1/4 cup extra water ifmore is needed to cook the veggies. Serve on it's own with sharp cheddar cheese, or with other curries.

Whiskey
Cake
Preheat oven to 375. Grease one 9x13 baking pan. Beat together: 1 cup sugar 1/2 cup plain yogurt 1 tsp lemon zest 1 tsp grated ginger juice from one lemon 1/2 cup whiskey 1 tsp vanilla In another bowl, beat until soft: 1 cube (1/2 cup) butter add gradually: 1 cup sugar cream together until light, then add: 2 eggs Combine yogurt mixture and butter mixture and beat. In yet another bowl, combine: 2 cups cake or all-purpose flour 1 tsp baking soda 1/2 tsp salt

Cream
Cheese
 Whiskey
Glaze
1 cube of cream cheese 1 stick butter 1 cup powdered sugar 1/2 cup whiskey Beat together, pour on cake, yum!

Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients and beat well. Bake 40 minutes. Remove from oven and while still hot, drizzle: 1 cup whiskey evenly over entire cake. Let cool. Serve with ice cream and cream-cheese glaze or butterscotch. Simple butterscotch recipe: 1 pint heavy cream 1 cube (1/2 cup) salted butter 1 cup brown sugar pinch of salt Combine cream and butter in a small saucepan and warm over low heat. when the butter melts, whisk gently until the cream and butter are well-emulsified. Gradually add the sugar, stirring continuously. When the sugar is completely melted, add a pinch of salt. Continue to heat for a minute or two, then let cool slightly and serve just a little warm over ice cream.

Noodles
n
Jizz
or
 you
know,
Fucking

You need: 1 stick butter 8 Tbps flour 1 middle sized container of half n half a palmful of paprika 2 lbs shredded cheese of your choice (fucking use cheddar, maybe some gouda, or gruyere, do not melt a whole block of stilton into this bitch or I will punch you) 1 box elbow noodles Pre-heat your oven to 350F. Melt the stick of butter in a medium saucepan. I know it seems like a lot of butter, quit crying pussy, you need it. Once the butter melts and begins to bubble add the flour to make a roux. This shit is gonna get thick so start stirring. Slowly add the half n half. Once it gets hot (you can tell by the steam, no joke, you can really cook this way) add the shredded cheese one handful at a time and the paprika until the shit's melty and gooey. In the meantime you should have boiled your noodles. Oh, you didn't do this? Get out of the kitchen and go mow the lawn or polish your shoes, asshole. If you put oil in the pasta water I will show up at your house and fucking choke you. Do NOT put oil in the god damned water, just stir the shit as you add it slowly. If you can't figure this shit out, get a helmet and go watch t.v. Grease a casserole dish with either olive oil, butter or lard. there's so much fat in this shit at this point that it doesn't matter if you use 5W20 motor oil. Mix your cheese sauce and noodles together, top with more shredded cheese, some fresh cracked black pepper and bake until top is brown and crusty or your husband wanders into the kitchen and says "god damn, what is that and is it ready yet??" Serve with your coronary surgeon's number on speed dial. If your intention is "accidental death", put this shit in the fridge overnight, cut into blocks, dip into flour-egg-breadcrumbs and deep fry. For the next hour and a half roll around on the floor crying and wishing that you could throw this shit up. Unfortunately it's so thick that it instantly binds your bowels. Good luck humans and godspeed little hearts!

Broken
Ai’s
Soup
of
 wonder
Since we are all a bit broke at the moment with the financial crisis of DOOOOOM that has eaten our shares, homes & in some cases forced us to eat our own feet, I thought I'd share with you, my world famed leftover fowl bone stock soup or Skellington Soup. After the Santa Maria sacrifice, we're used at a loss with what to do with the chicken after we bit off its head and drew eldrich siguls upon the dirt floor with its entrails and blood, and this soup is the perfect solution! I'm no Jamie Oliver, or Martha Stewart, but I make a damn fine soup, and have raped at least one of the former. I'll give you a clue. It was PUKKA!* And since it's made with leftovers and stuff you probably have kicking about your cupboards, eating this soup will most likely help save the economy, reverse the financial meltdown, rebuild wall street and make everyone love and adore you as soupy savior of mankind! SRRSLY this soup can and will get you laid.*2 You will need: 1 x turkey (or chicken) skellington with some tasty meat left on it. Shred the edible meat from this. Save this meat for later on. Keep the bones to one side. You can use one of these in your hair for that Goth Chic Caveman Chef look that's so in this season. some salt some pepper a coupe of leeks a few carrots nearly an onion (or a whole onion if you like your soup oniony) the chicken or turkey skin thyme oregano the turkey or chicken bones Continued Next Page

These ingredients are not hard and fast measurements, like a German porno, they are more variable slow, sweaty and easy going, like smoking heroin with a fat middle aged gypsy prostitute, in the back of a Alpha Romeo, while she slowly tweaks your nipples. . . uh, where was I going with that? Ah yes, soup is an inexact science, so feel free to bugger about with the ratio's and number of ingredients. dump all these into a nice big boiling pan, chop up the veggers and cover in cold water. This will be your soup base, or stock as we scienticions of soup refer to it. Bring this sucker to the boil and when its bubbling like a college students water pipe, crank the heat down and let it simmer for a few hours. About 5 - 8 hours will be ideal for your stock, depending upon how strong and boiled down you want it. If you feel the need top it up with more water if it looks in danger of burning dry. While this boils down, feel free to go outside, and pick some flowers, read an interesting book, invent new words, pet the cats, dance a funny little jig, I dunno . . enjoy the anticipation of soupy goodness to come. Now, when this looks and smells all "tasty like" (another technical term from the soup vaults), you'll need to either (A) let the stock chill naturally (B) put the sock in the fridge for a little while then, when the undesirable fat has congealed to a sticky messy gross artery clogging ooze, scoop this out and dispose of it. Now reheat your stock, and when it is up to bubbling again, give it a good stir and then pour this out into another large pan, through a sieve, colander, or fine mesh gauze. This is now your stock. If you wish to make some kind of ghey consume, you can then filter this through a coffe filter, buuut, I, enjoy a hearty broth with CHUNKS . . . so onto the next step. The soupy bit. You will need Type to enter text potatoes sweetcorn (canned is great!) another leek all chopped up generic hot sauce (a few dashes) or failing this a pinch of chili powder, or a dried birdseye chili or four ground up the rest of the leftover turkey or chicken (you did save some ? right? you did not feed the lot to the cat?) carrots Continued...Again half an onion

and anything else you feel like adding, maybe, some noodles, or sometimes some mung beans*3. This is the fun bit! The only limit is your imagination (yeah I know. I can't believe I said that either, just euthanize me now please before I tell you to think outside the box) I'll bet you cant guess what to do with these? right? Yeah! Throw them all into the stock pan, and top it off with a little water. Now bring this up to the boil and then simmer down for about 3/4 of an hour or till the potatoes are done. & there is your soup! Enjoy! ~~~~~

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*yeah Ms. Stewart's a dirty bitch. *2 if you lace it with Rohypnol. *3 if your a fucking hippie.

Suu’s
Baked
Ziti
WHAT YOU WILL NEED! 3 cans of crushed tomatoes 1 can of tomato paste 1 can of diced tomatoes 2lbs of your preferred ziti (This time I'm using Prince™ Ziti Rigati. The ridges work well for holding the cheese) 2lbs of Ricotta cheese (I get part skim) 1lb of Mozzarella, low moisture. (with all the ricotta and sauce, you DON'T need slimy mozzarella!) Oregano Parsley 2 Bay Leaves Salt Pepper Sugar Minced garlic (the jarred kind) OR 2 fresh cloves, I'm just out at the moment. Half of a red onion

The SAUCE. The basis of this sauce is a family recipe...as in, my mom, who gave each of her children the outline on how to make it. What we do with it from then on, is up to us. For example: My sister caramelizes onions in her version and my brother uses a carrot instead of adding sugar...The choice is yours. This is just my version...today. (It does tend to change depending on my mood or what I'm making or what spices we have available. Sometimes I use Adobo, cinnamon, cloves or mint, but for baked ziti, I keep it simple.) Combine the 3 cans of crushed tomatoes and tomato paste in a large sauce pot....in my case it's practically a lobster pot (there's a reason for this). Stir in the paste, this helps thicken the sauce a bit for a baked dish. (For a regular pasta, I'd recommend a small can of tomato sauce rather than paste.) Add salt and pepper. (I shake them both and whistle Jingle Bells quickly. That's how I measure.) Double the amount of pepper to the salt. Add oregano...I use enough to cover the surface of the sauce...it's gonna be mixed in anyway! Add parsley...I don't use a whole lot. It adds more color and digestive help against the garlic and onion than flavor. Add a little less than a teaspoon of sugar. This counteracts the acidity of the tomatoes. Throw in the 2 Bay Leaves. Add a heaping TABLESPOON of minced garlic. Don't be shy. It kills the worms. Or...chop your cloves and add them. Peel and chop half a red onion. Make sure it's a bit on the fine side, but not TOO small. I tend to cube mine a bit.

Should look like this:

Stir until everything is mixed evenly, and put the pot on the stove. Heat it at high heat uncovered until the moisture begins to escape, NOT BOIL, just a few bubbles and you're good. Lower the heat to a simmer and cover. Stir every 1/2 hour or so.........................Do this for about oh...6 hours. If the sauce starts getting a bit explosive, uncover, stir thoroughly, and recover, only this time leaving a sliver of an opening from the lid to allow moisture to escape.

Now should look like this

When you hit that 6 hour mark, remove the sauce from heat and set aside. Get another pot on the stove ready to boil the pasta per the directions of whatever kind you have. This tends to take a while, especially in a pot big enough for 2 fucking pounds of ziti. Some people do different things with their mozzarella. You'll find that most will grate it and mix it with the ricotta, me? I slice most it and put it on top, but still grate some of it for the grand mixture. So now is a good time to do what you prefer while water is boiling and sauce is cooling. Once the pasta is in, get our your 2lbs of ricotta and gradually mix it to the sauce, but try not to liquify it, the chunkiness is a GOOD thing.

Preheat your oven to 350F/177C. Drain your pasta when it's finished, give it a bit to cool so you don't BURN yourself, and then add it all into the big ass sauce pot with the cheesysaucyawesome. Stir slowly until all pasta is evenly coated, then throw it in your grated mozzarella, doing the same. Once mixed to your content, carefully pour the pasta and sauce and cheesycheese-cheese mixture into your pan...in this case I have a 20lb foil roaster. Make sure it's down in there all evenly, then take that can of diced tomatoes and spread them over the surface of the goop. Take your sliced mozzarella and place it in a funky pattern or whatever on top of the tomatoes, and garnish with oregano.

Cover the pan with tinfoil completely and slide it into your oven on the top rack. Put 45 minutes on the clock. DING. Yank that shit out, and let cool. Now is a good time to pop open that bottle of red wine. Uncover the ziti and dish out with a spatula.

Teenage
Jell-o™
Mix thoroughly: One small box of Nilla wafers, crushed 1 cube butter 1 tsp water Press carefully into 2 pie tins. Use a hand mixer or blender to blend together: 1 package Lime Jell-O 1 cup boiling water When the Jell-O crystals are thoroughly dissolved, add and blend thoroughly: 1 cup cold water 1 cube cream cheese juice from 1 lime Pour into cookie crumb crust and chill until set. You can make any number of fruity variations: I've tried it with orange and strawberry, subbing a can of mandarin oranges or a cup of strawberries for the lime juice and part of the water.

NE PIC ED s TU RE

MINDFUCKS!
ALIENATE FRIENDS AND FAMILY!

u

Cram’s HAPPY FANDANGO!
Me and one of my cabalmates from the Obnoxious Jerk Cabal came up with a drink called the HAPPY FANDANGO! (when you say it you have to smile and act excited) Also, after you take the shot you are required to say how great it was* and try to get others to do the same. A HAPPY FANDANGO! is made with: 1 part saki 1 part soy sauce 1 part vodka 1 small paintball

*protip: Lie

Richter’s Meat

Muffins*

Meat Muffins. Get some hamburger, pepper, onion, cresent rolls in a tube (Or pizza dough if you want them to be better) and Spam. Spread the rolls into muffin pan, fill with cooked beef / pepper / onion mix. Fill one or two with Spam. Cheese optional. Cap and bake, keeping careful track for yourself which Meat Muffin(s) is Spammed. Present them at the gathering like ghetto mini calzones, with a bowl of marinara sauce or somesuch for dipping. If someone accidentally gets a spam muffin, they are shamed, and loose face for the rest of the evening (This is how we roll in BABYLON). If not, and it lingers there like a malignant landmine, you can start all KINDS of headgames. Just annonuce, when there are 5 or so left, "ONE of these muffins is full of spam. If you wish, I'll point out TWO af the remainder that aren't." (Then either lie, forget to mention that there are two spammed muffins in reality, etc.) If the guests avoid entirely, just put them away, and someone will likely hit one the next morning while stumbling about hung over.

*innuendo

†Lmnuendo

the
Delicious Trap Pie.

trap

pies

1 apple, chopped 2 pre - made pastry pie crusts 1 can pre - made pecan pie filling 1/4 cup sugar 1/4 tablespoon apple cider vinegar 1/4 tablespoon flour Fill pie crust with pecan pie mix. Mix apples, sugar, vinegar and flour, pour over the pecan filling evenly, so no pecans show. Cover pie with a latice pattern of pastry. (Cut as needed from the extra crust) Bake until apples are tender and pie rust is golden brown. When your victim, who you are gracing with pie, expresses surprise, tell him it was a delicious trap. When your mark doesn't get it, explain that they found nuts where he didn't expect there to be any. If they STILL don't get it, leave them to their pie, and hope to Eris you'll be there to see their face when they get it. Delicious Inverse trap pie 4-5 apples, chopped 1 pre - made pastry pie crust 1 cup sugar 1-2 tablespoons flour (more for juicier apples) 1 Tablespoon apple cider vinegar (extra to taste) Whole, shelled pecans as needed. Mix all ingedients, and fill in crust. Top with pecans so no apples are visible. Bake until apples are tender (poke carefully between the pecans with a skewer.), and crust is golden brown. Serve to your mark, and improv your own euphemism. I'm too lazy to think up one for this.

1 lb Pork brains (used to be beef brains, but they are almost impossible to get due to mad cow disease) 1 Egg, beaten 1/2 c Flour 1/2 ts Baking powder Salt to taste Pepper to taste Soak brains in salt water a short time. Cover with clear water and remove membrane. Drain; beat in other ingredients with spoon. If too thin, add a small amount of flour; if too thick, add small amount of milk. Fry on griddle until well done, turning once. Serve on buns, of course. Should be served with a side of squirrel burgoo and a bottle of Double Cola. Followed by a fried candy bar for dessert.

BRAINBURGERS

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