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CONSTANTINE
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GWEDER MYRAS 07766181041

Delivered Free To More Than Six Hundred Households


Sponsored by:- O T S. 6 seat Taxi. 29 & 53 seat Coaches. 12 & 16 seat Minibuses
Convenient, efficient and friendly local service. Telephone 01326 340703
Disinterred from the ruinous Prehistoric Find Amazes Experts. in easily accessible copper and tin with
rubble of restless ramblings sophisticated furnace technology and skilled
this pseudo-holographic organ We have exhilarating news about artisans. Found amidst the accumulated
insinuates itself into your the proposed archaeological exploration to burnt earth, ash and discarded pottery pieces
homes encore une fois. in the kiln were a number of corroded and
be carried out in Constantine parish. The
chance discovery of an intact pre-bronze fragile chain links of necklace size – seven
All items to be sent to the
age pottery kiln and associated artefacts is, were of copper and five were of tin but what
Editor. The Tolmen Centre,
Fore Street, Constantine, we are told, likely to add substance to the caused amazement was a recognisable hook
Falmouth TR11 5AA. understanding of a period of British history and eye clasp of tooled bronze. The metal
formerly obscured by the mists of time. The artefacts are to be subjected to isotope
Anonymous items will be kiln was discovered by a local farmer who spectrum analysis to determine the part of
ignored. noticed a sudden eruption of pottery shards the world they came from. This could mean
whilst he was sinking a bore hole for water that Cornwall was an original producer of
Editorial rights are reserved. for commercial purposes. The financial bronze which was traded around the then
backers of the water project were not wholly known world.
All articles in this paper remain The location of the site is a closely guarded
delighted by the delay a full excavation would
the property of the Editor and
cause but bowed to the inevitable when a secret which will be revealed to only a selected
may not be reproduced without
local teenage enthusiast informed the proper few after 12 0’ clock Noon on Wednesday 1st
written permission.
authorities. April (All Fools Day)
In this issue: The area has been designated as of
special scientific interest and a protected §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Page. 2. Parish Council archaeological site and no-one may enter
thereon without signed permission from the Saying of the Day
Page. 3. Heritage Centre Secretary of State.
What is exciting is the great Sing a song of jurisprudence is asking a lot of
Page. 3. Feast antiquity of the items so far discovered and a lyricist.
their resemblance to, and stylistic resonance A retired butcher
Page. 4. What’s On
with, the early Minoan period. Objects of
this type and age have not been found in the §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Page. 5. Football
British Isles until now. The objects found
are in a remarkably fine condition and even CONSTANTINE PARISH COUNCIL
Page. 6. Snippets
small details are readily evident. A repeated 19 – 3 – 2009.
Page. 7. Verse or Worse motif is that of a stylised vessel with two In public speaking time the Council
sails and a crew of four suggesting seafaring noted, with sorrow, the passing of Margaret
Page. 7. Tolmen Rocks connections and commerce between Gregory, one time Clerk to the Council who
Cornwall and the Mediterranean basin at also helped at Constantine surgery.
Page. 8. CASUAL least 1500 years before currently accepted It was reported that upon a request from
dates. the Rev. David Stevens an inspection of the
Page. 8. The Ritz graveyard had been made and three unused
There has always been speculation
within the scientific community about plots have been identified.
Page. 9 to 143 Herring and
Mackerel Stabbing League the origins of bronze replacing copper as A villager said that he had been in the Car
Lists and Penalties. the commonly used metal. It is accepted Park recycling when a group of walkers
that this could only happen in an area rich appeared and used the toilets. contd. Page2
Vol. A.R.20 2 April 2009

CONSTANTINE STORES jobs they would be doing. He contrasted that with the
One Cornwall (due to begin on 1st April) where there are
& still many staff unsure about their jobs. He expects that
POST OFFICE there will be a ‘bedding in’ period for the new authority. He
Fine Wines & Spirits a Speciality thanked the Chairman and his wife for the way they ‘flew
the flag’ for Constantine at District and County functions.
County Councillors report.
the largest stock of whisky in
There has been some planting of potato crops on what had
the west been grazing land with public footpaths thereon – with
all that entails for later in the year, but the diagonal field
TELEPHONE 01326 340226 crossings had been retramped to the detriment of the
crop even though there was a perfectly usable bridleway
WEBSITE w.w.w.drinkfinder.co.uk parallel to the fields. A discussion on this point produced
the information that the landowner has a duty to make the
footpath good immediately after the sowing. The nearest
Upon leaving, the comments were less than favourable ‘One Stop Shop’ is at Helston. The boundary commission,
– ‘disgusting smell’ being the words used. Furthermore having received all the representations about boundary
the walkers were carrying little bags of dog excrement and change made their decision in two days. That decision
wondered where to place it – they were directed to the differs not one jot from their original proposals. Gweek will
nearest red dog bin which is, in itself, a health hazard. He lose the ties with Constantine and in future will be included
wondered if the new Car Park could have a display of some with Mannacan, Mawgan and Meneage. Constantine will
sort promoting the village in a positive light as opposed to be included with Budock and Mawnan Smith.
these negatives. Police Report.
The Council was asked if there was a way in which the public The present Beat Manager, P.C. Cormack will be replaced
waste bin situation, so reduced by Kerrier, could become the by P.C. Dave Cook. The present Police Community
responsibility of the Parish Council, but the reply indicated Support Officer, Andy Huddlestone will remain in place
that there is a mandatory duty upon the next tier of local for the sake of continuity. There were no reported crimes
government to collect and remove waste. since the last Council meeting although there had been an
In the meeting proper apologies for absence were heard anonymous call complaining about nuisance.
and accepted and the minutes of the previous meeting were Football Club
accepted as a true record. An application has been completed to ‘Awards for All’
Matters arising but not on the Agenda. to seek a grant to refurbish the pavilion after it had been
The wall upstream of the bridge at Ponjarevah has been flooded.
inspected and there appears to be no likelihood of it ‘Sport England’ funds also could be an opportunity for a
increasing the water flow in rainy conditions to a point larger project. This will be explored.
where the bridge is threatened. Recreation Ground. The mower has been serviced to
The notice board at the beginning of Well Lane has been extend its life a little longer.
repaired and the sliding glass doors are free once more. The Church Square
items on display have been tidied as offered. The contract for the electrical supply is to be renewed with
The Council were told that there is in existence information Edf
from One Cornwall on ‘How to generate localism’. A Constantine Social Club
Head of Localism has been appointed whose job it is to A quote had been received for the provision of a disabled
make sure that each community feels that it is represented access. It has been accepted subject to receipt of funds from
and has a voice in decision making. [ I must have missed Kerrier.
the representation and voice in the decision to have a Young People
Head of Localism. Rep.] (Well Rep. – a bit short on Financial assistance had been received from Kerrier.
localisationalisticability there?? Ed.) Two large events had been organised.
Councillor Rex Sadler attended his last meeting as a District 1. A trip to the artificial ski slope at Plymouth for the
Under 14s. It was fully subscribed.
Councillor and was thanked for his many years service. In
2. A mobile skate park and an organised cycle ride have
reply he spoke of the creation of Kerrier District Council
been arranged for April.
in 1974 when all the staff knew in September 1973 of the Three people have come forward to help organise the Youth
Vol. A.R. 20 3 April 2009

SPIRAL CONSTRUCTION please contact Tracey Clowes, Gerald Trethowan, David


Freeman and Pat Miller or pop into the museum when we
LTD., are next open.
We still have our display on village carnival, together with
photographs from the 1940’s to 2007 so if you have not
Special Staircase Manufacturers been in to see us yet, we’d love to see you.
Turning Ideas Into Reality ABC Babypaint now runs in the Heritage Centre once a
month on a Friday morning from 10.00 - 11.00am. £2.50
per session. Look out for posters around the village. It is for
WATER MA TROUT babies and toddlers and parents. Run by a professional artist,
HELSTON TR13 0LW Annabel Harris, you are sure to take home a masterpiece. Be
TELEPHONE 01326 574497 prepared to get mucky. Coffee and chat free.
FAX 01326 574760 The Heritage Centre intends to take part in the
carnival procession this year but need a vehicle for a float. If
E Mail enquiries@spiral.uk.com you can help in any way please contact Sally Coot, or Tracey
Clowes.
Group. A public meeting for parents is to be organised in §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
the near future. Hopefully this will help keep & build the
momentum. The PC voted that an extra £500 goes towards
supporting Youth activities. FEAST
Public Wells
The Well at the west end of Brillwater Road has been cleared. With origins hidden in the mists of time ‘Feast’ celebrates St.
It now needs to be fenced for Health & Safety reasons. Constantine who, is, reputedly, one of the few Celtic Saints
Car Park to be a Cornishman. As befits the place bearing his name,
Quotes for fencing have been received. Further prices are to ‘Feast’ has been a part of the life of this village for centuries.
be sought to assure best value. So popular was it in the 19th century that the village was
Planning Applications & Decisions crowded with workers from the surrounding district. One
The PC has asked the new Unitary Authority that the owner used the occasion as a diversion to destroy the largest
Council should be sent every application from within the free standing stone in Cornwall. An elected ‘Mock Mayor’
Parish in hard copy. was an established part of ‘Feast’ and he would be plied with
Correspondence ale then taken round the village in a cart, stopping every
The Clerk to the Council read out various received so often to harangue the crowds or to lecture suspected
correspondence which can be seen in the Minutes, which miscreants, before being dunked in the river at Ponjeravah.
are also published on the Constantine Website (http:// 7/6d secured candidates for the election but 1857 saw the
constantinecornwall.com/home/index.php) last ‘Mock Mayor’ John ( Jack Darky) Roberts after the
The Date of the next meeting will be Thursday 16th April new vicar Rev. R. F. B. Richards found the whole thing so
2009 @ 7-00pm in the Vestry. distasteful that he stopped this aspect of ‘Feast’. [A Really
Please remember that from 6-45pm until 7-00pm, prior Frosty Beast. ED].
to the start of the official PC meetings, any member of For the last forty or fifty years, ‘Feast’ has seen a Concert
the public may address & seek responses from the Parish which has fluctuated in popularity. Mostly the village
Council. organisations and individuals have given it enthusiastic
support. Numbers attending have begun to dwindle, so
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§ that there were fewer people than usual there, this year, to
hear the wonderful W. I. give their version of Pam Ayres’ “I
HERITAGE CENTRE wish I’d looked after me Tits”. £135 was collected. Some
people are contemplating a change but what to do in the
The Heritage Centre is planning its display board
future? A week of events in different places? Dance? Disco?
for Autumn 2009. It hopes to focus on Constantine family
Film Night? A week long party? Fairings for the children?
history as it has become so popular. If you would like your
A disinterred Mock Mayor? Anyone interested contact Liz
family to be involved and have some family photographs,
Moore on 340404.
stories, objects you would like to be part of the new display
Vol. A.R 20 4 April 2009

W H A T‘ S O N
CONSTANTINE ONE & ALL CLUB
All meetings in the Social Club at 2.00 pm

Easter Monday April 13th a trip to Exeter & Gweek Donkey Sanctuary.
Pick Up 8.45 am.
Monday April 20th - Ladybirds
Wednesday April 29th - Annual Dinner - Time to be announced.

CONSTANTINE ART SOCIETY


All events in the Church Hall

Tuesday 7th April. 11 am to 4 pm. Day Oil Workshop with Tony


Shorthouse. All members welcome. Bring your own oils. £5 members.
Tuesday 21st April. 1.30 to 4. pm. Fun Back Day. Members are invited to
join in Drawing/Sketching/Painting a giant still-life.
email: mgmsaab@btconnect.com

SAVE THE CHILDREN FUND

A. B. C. Thursday April 16th. 10 am to 12 Noon. Budock Vean Coffee Morning.


Fashion accessories, Raffle, SCF goods, £2.50 including coffee.
Art, Babies & Contact Aline Turner on 01326 251233.
Thursday 23rd to Saturday 25th April. 10 am to 12 Noon each day. Treverva
Coffee Spring Event in Treverva Village Hall. Contact Gilly Bennett.
Sunday April 26th. The Mollie Silver 90th Port Navas Trek. Meet at Port
FRIDAY APRIL 24TH Navas S.C.F. Shop. 10 am - 10 mile trek. 11.30 am - 4 mile trek. Sponsored
walk followed by tea at Port Navas Village Hall to honour the 90th birthday
of Mollie Silver. Contact Sheila Brierly 01326 340269
10 AM - 11 AM
CONSTANTINE WOMEN’S INSTITUTE.
Baby Paint sessions at the
All meetings in the W. I. Hall
Heritage Collection room
The Tolmen Centre Monday April 13th. Speaker - Aline Turner - A Knicker Shocker Story.
Constantine Competition:- Your favourite pair of knickers.
tel. 01326 340279 Craft and Chat - the fourth Monday in the month 2 - 4 pm.
Luncheon Club third week in the month.
“every child is an artist”
PORT NAVAS VILLAGE HALL
Pablo Picasso
Thursday April 9th to Wednesday April 15th. 11 am to 4 pm. An exhibition
One hour fun painting session for of Spring paintings of the Helford river by Andrew Tozer.
parents and babies, toddlers or
pre-school. CONSTANTINE AMBLERS
Places for 10 children
Wed. April 1. 6 pm (Cars) Oliver Carne’s Garden, Tresahor Vean
Booking essential Wed April 15. 6 pm (Cars) Ponjeravah, Treglidgwith, Ethnevas & back
Wear old clothes Wed April 29. 6 pm ( Cars) Trenarth, Porth Navas, Trewince & back.
£2.50
Due to a lack of space and a spaced out lackey there will be no lace nor no tackey
take home a masterpiece latch key in our place.
Vol. A.R. 20 5 April 2009

The Vicarage Farm


Shop are pleased to
announce that:-
MIKE HODGES
will be joining us
from Thursday 5th
March.
He will be in the shop on Monday & Thursday of
each week to cut meat to your requirements. We
are at the bottom of Retanna Hill on the A394.
email. vicaragefarmshop@btconnect.com

W H A T‘ S O N
CONSTANTINE CARNIVAL GROUP

When:- Saturday 4th April


Where:- Constantine Social Club
What:- Easter Market 10 am to 2 pm

HELFORD V. M. C. A.
THE HIGHS AND THE LOWS
When:- Sunday 19th April. 6.00 am
OR
What:- Dawn Chorus beside the Creek.
When you can meet with triumph & disaster.
Meet:- OS SW 735 283 Goongillings Farm
Contacts:- Martin 561952 or Charles 340630
Constantine’s Easter Monday dream came to an
emotional end at Bickland Park after another thrilling
THE TOLMEN CENTRE
120 minutes could not separate our team and Falmouth
Athletic. The tie went to a penalty shoot out with Athletic
When:- Wednesday 1st April. 7.30 pm
winning 5 - 4. Mark Kent went from hero to villain, scoring
What:- ‘The Age of Stupid’ Eco movie of the year.
the penalty that took the match to extra time but missing
Cost:- £2. Concessions & children free.
the penalty shoot out.
A fantastic achievement for a team only assembled
When:- Friday 3rd April. 7.30 pm
at the beginning of the season with many new faces. But all
What:- ‘Pluck’ present Musical Arson.
is not lost - seven wins from the last ten games will see the
The world’s three most stupid musicians.
team crowned 2nd Division champions. In addition there
Cost:- Tickets £8, Conc £7, Children £4
are three more cup quarter finals to be played so perhaps
there is some cup final success just around the corner.
When:- Saturday 2nd May. 7.30 pm
Supporters please note.
What:- Portico Quartet
Nominated for the Mercury Music Prize
4th April Barker Bowl 1/4 Final v Hayle.
Cost:- Tickets £8, Conc £7, Children £4
11th April League Cup 1/4 Final v Rosudgeon.
When;- Saturday 9th May. 7.30 pm
What:- Under Milk Wood. Dylan Thomas at his
18th April Percy Stephens 1/4 Final v Porthleven.
best with a range of eccentric yet recognisable characters all
brought to life by Guy Masterson, great nephew of the first
Tes a lot of games and we wish them all the best of luck.
leader of the first recorded performance, Richard Burton.
Cost:- Watch for the posters.
Vol. A.R. 20 6 April 2009

DOGS TRUST

Do you regard the dog as a best friend? Do you have a dog?


Are you a Silver Surfer? Do you ever wonder what will
happen to your dog when you answer to the grim reaper –
when the dark angel draws up to thee? We have just heard
of an organisation which will help in such a situation. It
is called the DOGS TRUST and it says that it will never
destroy a healthy dog. The Dogs Trust can be contacted on
020 7837 0006 or by email ccc@dogstrust.org.uk.

CORNWALL VILLAGE OF THE YEAR


COMPETITION 2009.

Readers may remember that in 2006 Constantine village


was the overall winner of the Cornwall Best Village of the
W.I. NEWS year and went on to win the‘business’ category in the West of
England group against nine other villages. The competition
Tolmen Centre Seat Cushions. Many of these have been organisers have been in touch with details of the current
completed by people from the village and the surrounding competition. The Cornwall Rural Community Council
area and some are still being worked. Will those with say that the competition will be judged on four themes:-
uncompleted cushions please contact either Sylvia Dunstan community, business, sustainability and communication.
(01326 340584), Angela Stokes (01326 341456) or Any organisation from within the village may enter, the
Beaujolais Cavendish (01326 340364) so that we may see only qualification is that the village must have fewer than
how many are still in hand and how much cushioning we 5000 inhabitants. There are cash prizes at County level,
need to order. £250 for 1st, £150 for 2nd and £50 for 3rd. Further details
Monday 16th March was the last Soup and Pud lunch of and entry forms can be obtained from Sharon Davey,
the winter. Funds were being raised for Marie Curie Cancer C.R.C.C. 14 Chapel Street, Camborne. Completed entry
Care and by the generosity of all our friends enjoying home- forms must be returned by 29th May 2009. Most of those
made soups and delicious desserts we raised a total of who were involved on the last occasion will stand aside at
£255.10p for this wonderful group of caring people. A big this time but we wish good fortune to anyone who takes
thanks go to all who donated soups and puds, our helpers up the cudgels.
every month and thank you very much to all who attended.
We look forward to seeing you again in October when our
CORNWALL NOW
Soup and Pud season starts again.
Thanks to Eileen Bennet, Carol Agnew and Barbara
I suppose that everyone will have received one of
Willoughby for the foregoing snippets. Ed. these booklets. Oh goody, I thought, a product of the new
authority telling us of changes and ideas for the future. Of
SAVE THE CHILDREN FUND course I was mistaken as a quick perusal soon established
the fact that it is a ‘puff ’ for a prospective parliamentary
There is a lovely team of volunteers who run the Port Navas candidate and it is produced by a political party. At the
Shop from April to September. There are vacancies on last general election I had occasion to write to one of the
FRIDAY MORNINGS and FRIDAY AFTERNOONS. political parties (not this one) complaining of election
If you can spare three hours every fortnight to help this literature masquerading as something else. If this continues
wonderful cause [the workload is light but tremendously I shall have to complain to this one as well. I have a rooted
rewarding] Please contact Paula Roberts on 01326 objection to voting for people who try to gull me. If their
340552. literature promotes them and a party of which they are
proud, let them emblazon the fact boldly not skulk behind
weasel publications of this sort. Perhaps my expectations
Broken dreams can only be repaired in the deepest
of parliamentary politicians are too high - low as they are.
darkness of the night. (deliberate ambiguity intended).
Vol. A.R.20 7 April 2009

C. RUDRUM AND SONS THE TOLMEN ROCKS !


By Carolyn Reynolds & Jude Trevelyan
(CORNWALL ) LTD.
DIPLOMA COAL MERCHANTS The spirit of Early European music awoke blinking
Reliable and regular deliveries but happy and full of verve to hold hands with the present
day as the 2nd International Guitar Symposium brought
Redruth (01209) 215561/213365 an array of performances on Crumhorn, Dulcimer, Hurdy
Camborne (01209) 713158 Stithians (01209)860385 Gurdy and Gothic Harp to add to the Guitar workshops,
Falmouth (01326) 377345 Truro (01872) 274942 Lute master-classes and medieval dance lessons which
Helston (01326) 573661 Mevagissey (01726) 842365 delighted the crowds of people drawn to the Tolmen Centre
St. Austell (01726) 850462 from Friday 5th – Sunday 8th March. ‘Top of the Form’
performances from a host of talented musicians, assembled
BARTON HOUSE, PARC ERISSEY by Ben Salfield and Belle Music International, included
NEW PORTREATH, REDRUTH TR16 4HZ Flamenco and Funk, Baroque and Blues, Renaissance and
Rock – and – Did The Tolmen Ever Rock????
VERSE OR WORSE Friday evening gave equal billing to two groups,
“The Moon Music Orchestra” and “Stonephace”, both
with Children in mind with strong links to Cornwall – Jude Trevelyan writes:-
“Innovation, wild spontaneity, tightness of sound, understated
Wilful and wicked, the Witch of the West, mellow drumming at the beating heart of the music, warm
Brewed up a potion, to put to the test and easy interaction with the audience, how do Moon Music
The men of the north, the south and the east, Orchestra, using varying instruments, including Banjo and
Which brought down upon them a ravenous beast. Mandolin, effortlessly produce such highly infectious music to
beguile us with so much fun and exciting enduring energy,
This beast, full of pock marks of yellow and green, ‘Rocking Our Socks Off’?
Had a mouth of incisors with canines between, An interval, then our heads, hearts and feet,
And breath like a furnace of sewage and slime, rejoined the concert to be greeted with music from
And three different watches for telling the time. “Stonephace” described as being for Head, Heart and Feet
when ‘Sax pioneer & dissident’ Larry Stabbins, ‘Portishead
Now you may well ask why it wanted the watches, guitarist’ Adrian Utley, ‘Music Legend’ Helm De Vegas on
Which it wore on a vest of colourful swatches? keys and ‘Mysterious, enigmatic, song alchemist’ Krysztof
Well, the beast had a secret, and I happen to know it, Otkalski played jazz-based, rhythmic and hypnotic music
His favourite food in the evening was ‘Poet’. accompanied by stark and surreal visual effects – “It’s like
a brain washing circus from outer space!” said Lorna from
But if, during the day, he’d eaten a writer, Zennor. It was certainly different and compelling and
His innards would bulge , his skin would get tighter, roundly applauded by an audience whose departing chatter
His eyeballs would splutter and crackle and itch, was of praise, enthusiasm and wonderment, not a smidgin
His arms and his legs would judder and twitch, of indifference. “In the words of Gloria Estefan” said Jude:-
Dark purple hair would sprout on his knees “You don’t need to understand it to know it touches you.”
With each purple hair hiding forty one fleas,
He would leave, unattended, the jobs he should do, §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
And grimace and groan, as if he had Flu.
A village friend of ours visited the Church graveyard on
So he wound up each morning watch - one, two and three, Monday afternoon and placed flowers on a grave. He
To tell him the time for his luncheon and tea, noticed that the area was covered in fallen leaves. Taking
And when watch number three struck half past five, his time (he does not move very fast) he went to his home,
He would truss up a poet and roast him alive. took a broom and returned to the graveyard to sweep up the
leaves. The flowers had been stolen from the grave. Some
Bombardier Eli Jarslberg. acts are beneath contempt, some are dirty, this is dirty,
despicable and beneath contempt, perpetrated by someone
Bings, bangs and bongs are of songs and gongs. whose natural habitat is the sewer.
Vol A.R. 20 8 April 2009

THE
CONSTANTINE
RITZ

In continuing his
demand for payment for
services, that he has not
performed, Sidney
(the O. A. P.) has now
revealed himself in his
true colours. He has
stated that, since his
origins are within my
my mind that, therefore
he knows all my dark secrets and will reveal them at moments
carefully chosen to cause me maximum embarrassment
C. A. S. U. A. L unless I pay him immediately. My riposte, that I know all
(Formerly Over 70’s leap frog team) about him, was met with scorn as mere exterior persiflage
compared with his deep brain information. Actions speak
Sadly we have to announce that competition for louder than words so here is a brief history of Sidney up to a
places in all three teams has become so fierce that ill words certain age as a warning to him.
have been bandied around. C. A. S. U. A. L (Constantine Sidney is the oldest son of the well-limericked
Active Seniors Upper Age Leapfroggers) has long been Bishop of Birmingham. His mother was one of those the
known for the harmony, friendship and camaraderie Bishop met in the course of his duties, and was well known
for her reluctance to celebrate her nuptials upon a tandem.
of the club house, the playing field, the long and short
His mother’s sister (Aunty Muffet) gained a reputation for
courses, the training mowhays and the teams themselves.
fleeing from spiders and Uncle Jack often demonstrated his
As health, ability, agility, concentration, zeal, practice and
dexterity in removing plums from pies. His uncles on the
natural athleticism have brought movement from one paternal side taught cats to drink from wells and conducted
team to another good will has always been shown and early experiments in herding livestock by using brass musical
friendly banter freely given and taken. What has upset instruments. At birth, Sidney was the ugliest of children
the apple cart is the introduction of a post of ‘Head of with a knowing leer right from the start. The midwife fell
Localism’ within the organisation with a brief to make in a faint at the first sight of him and his father spent several
sure that localistic views are known in the County body. weeks upon his knees earnestly seeking a confirmation of his
There is genuine fear of over-localisation preventing the beliefs. This was not the last time that Sidney was to be
healthy introduction of Constentenors qualified by the a severe test of faith to those around him. His mother, by
residence rules (31.33 years) into all levels of the sport. now a designer of velodromes and a most successful cycling
The arguments have spread their canker throughout what coach, understood him much better and, often taking him
was a happy and healthy band of mature friends gladly with her, used him as an example, to her young charges, of
combining to wreak havoc upon any opposition. Some what would happen to them should they fail to train as hard
newer initiates have even been heard muttering darkly and as often as she expected. Little wonder then that upon
about the localisationalisticability of other leap-froggers. starting school at the age of four and a half years, Sidney
Both the offensive coach and the defensive coach have adopted a lofty sneer when extorting protection money from
tried to pour oil on troubled waters but without success. the other children.
His place in history is assured as the holder of the
The president has issued a ‘bill of censure’ but since no-
world record for the number of exclusions from primary
one listens to his drunken ramblings sense will have to be
schools before reaching the age of eight. The Guiness Book
restored by other means. Happily the new team Captain,
of Records has it at seven but Sidney insists on fourteen.
Gloria Penpennit, has returned from her annual toning up His somewhat over-excited curriculum vitae states that he
in a health spa and is looking frighteningly fit - indeed fit went to both Oxford and Cambridge Universities, omitting
enough to scare the living daylights out of any number of to mention that these were both ‘day trips’.
localisationists.

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