This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
OFFICE Albert: (on phone) I know that, sir, but think of the disastrous effect this might have on the morale of the American teenager! No, I am not suggesting that the boy doesn’t want to go into the army. It’s just that… no, I’m not trying to… Two weeks from today? At the Induction Center? He’ll be there… (Rosie enters) Rosie, thank heaven you’re here! This is the end of the Almaelou Music Corporation! Conrad Birdie is going into the Army! Rosie: And your faithful secretary is hereby submitting her resignation. Albert: What? Rosie: I just dropped in to say goodbye, Albert, darling. Lots of luck. Albert: Rosie, you can’t! Not today of all days! My pills, where are my pills… the little ones I take when I’m overwrought. Rosie: Here. Albert: Not so much. Break it in half. Rosie: You’re thirty-three years old, Albert. You can take a whole aspirin. Albert: I am not thirty-three. I won’t be thirty-three until tomorrow. Water. Rosie: It’s no use, Albert. My mind’s made up. I’ve been with Almaelou eight years now and, as you well know, I’ve been a lot more than just a secretary to you. Albert: Rosie, if you’re referring to anything of a more permanent nature between you and me, I’m not ready for it. For now, we need to keep it strictly business. Rosie: I’m putting in ninety hour weeks. And for what? A five dollar raise in 1954. This is 1959. Albert: And if it’s part of the company you’re after, the answer is no to that, too. Almaelou is me, Mama, and Lou. And any change in that would kill that wonderful woman who bore me. Rosie: Nothing could kill your mother, Albert. Except maybe a silver bullet. Albert: And I won’t drop poor old Lou, either. He loved you, Rose.
Rosie: I loved Lou, too. Sure, he was warm, he was loyal, he was loveable, but he died six years ago. And besides, he was a wire-haired terrier. Anyhow, I don’t want to be part of the company. This is something much more important. Albert: Rosie, if you’re going to discuss what I think you’re going to discuss, I’m in no mood to discuss it! Rosie: There’s nothing to discuss, Albert. Conrad Birdie’s going into the army. I’ve quit. There’s nothing you can do but give up the business and go back to college and get your… Albert: Rosie, I’m up to my ears in debt! Conrad’s got a fifty-thousand dollar guarantee which I can’t pay. And I’ve just taken a severe overdose of aspirin. Rosie: Albert, this may be your last chance. (sings) HIS GOING IN THE ARMY IS THE BEST THING HE COULD DO NOW YOU’RE FREE TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO ALBERT ALBERT ALBERT I REMEMBER HOW YOU TOLD ME I SHOULD TRUST YOU FOR A YEAR IT WOULD JUST BE FOR A YEAR BUT IT’S EIGHT YEARS ALBERT EIGHT LONG YEARS ALBERT Albert: Rosie, it takes time to build a business! Rosie: IT WAS ONLY A SIDELINE THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GET AHEAD INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC BUSINESS BUM YOU WERE GOING TO NYU AND BECOME Albert: Don’t say it, Rosie! Rosie: An English teacher! Albert: Rosie! Rosie: And furthermore, he wrote poetry! Albert: Rosie, please… Rosie: And in the NYU yearbook for 1952 under “Albert Peterson’s favorite piece of literature,” you know what it says? Little Women! Albert: I’m ruined in show business.
Rosie: AN ENGLISH TEACHER AN ENGLISH TEACHER IF ONLY YOU’D BEEN AN ENGLISH TEACHER WE’D HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT IN QUEENS YOU’D GET A SUMMER VACATION AND WE WOULD KNOW WHAT LIFE MEANS A MAN WHO’S GOT HIS MASTERS IS REALLY SOMEONE HOW PROUD I’D BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE I COULD HAVE BEEN MRS PETERSON MRS ALBERT PETERSON MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON THE ENGLISH TEACHER’S WIFE Albert: Rose, I’ll make a deal with you! Stay with me, help me get the money to pay Conrad’s guarantee, and as soon as I’m out of the red, I’ll dissolve the company and go back to the academic life! Rosie: Albert, you’re on! Albert: Of course, it may take awhile, but I’m sure that by 1973 or ’74 at the latest, we’ll… (Rosie opens a file and pulls a card.) What’s that? Rosie: Something that’s going to push that date up a few years. (reads card) MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age 15, president and recording secretary Conrad Birdie Fan Club Number 2748 of Sweet Apple, Ohio. (into phone) Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. The number’s Capitol 7 double 820. And call me right back. Albert: Now wait a minute! What’s going on here? Who’s Kim Whateverhername is? Rosie: Kim MacAfee, Albert, is what’s going to send you back to college with the biggest hit song this business has ever seen! It’s called “One Last Kiss.” Albert: I’ve never heard of it. Rosie: You haven’t written it, yet. But when you do and when that one last kiss is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold army for two long years and when he gives that kiss to one of his fans chosen at random from one million two hundred thousand hysterical teenagers, it’ll make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc! Albert: Rose, I’m beginning to see it! We cut the record here in New York…
Rosie: Take Conrad Birdie to Sweet Apple, Ohio. Albert: Let him kiss the kid… Rosie: And release the record! Albert, you’ll make enough money to stay in college for the rest of your life! Albert: Rose, it’s wonderful! And I promise you, as soon as this thing is settled, it’ll be just the two of us, Rose! In perfect bliss! I’ll get a job teaching English and… Bliss! Kiss! That rhymes! I wonder if anyone’s ever used it before? Oh what difference does it make? It’ll be great for the song! Oh one last kiss; it gives me so much bliss… what is your dentifrice… No, that’s too clinical… Rosie: AN ENGLISH TEACHER AN ENGLISH TEACHER SOMEDAY HE MAY BE AN ENGLISH TEACHER Yes? Well, every phone in Sweet Apple can’t be busy; what’s going on there? Kim McAfee just got pinned to who? Never mind, Mary, keep trying and call me back. THEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE THEN I MIGHT BE MRS. PETERSON MRS ALBERT PETERSON MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON THE ENGLISH TEACHER’S WIFE
ACT 1 Scene 2 – Sweet Apple phone limbo Helen: HI NANCY Nancy: HI HELEN Helen: WHAT’S THE STORY MORNING GLORY Nancy: WHAT’S THE TALE NIGHTINGALE TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO AND KIM Alice: HI MARGIE Margie: HI ALICE WHAT’S THE STORY MORNING GLORY
Alice: WHAT’S THE WORD HUMMINGBIRD HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO AND KIM Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED DID SHE KISS HIM AND CRY DID HE PIN THE PIN ON OR WAS HE TOO SHY WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED Freddie: YEAH YEAH 4 girls: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD Karl: UH HUH 4 girls: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST Jerry: HE’S GONE 4 girls: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD Harvey: HELLO MR. HENKEL THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON CAN I SPEAK TO PENELOPE ANN Penelope: IS IT TRUE ABOUT KIM Harvey: Penelope? Penelope: I JUST KNEW IT SOMEHOW Harvey: About the prom. Penelope: I MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP Harvey: Saturday? Penelope: I CAN’T TALK TO YOU NOW Girls: GOING STEADY
Boys: YOU KNOW IT MAN Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: IT’S CRAZY MAN Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: YOU KNOW IT Suzie: IT WON’T LAST April: NOT AT PRAYER Betty: SHE’S TOO COOL Clara: HE’S TOO SQUARE Harvey: HELLO MRS. MILLER THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON CAN I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE Boys: HIYA HUGO HIYA STUPID WHATCHA WANNA GO GET PINNED FOR Girls: WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED Boys: HEY YA MEATHEAD Girls: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD Boys: LOST YOUR MARBLES Girls: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST Boys: ARE YOU NUTTY Girls: GOING STEADY FOR Harvey: HELLO MRS. GARFEIN IS CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOL YET Some girls: DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED .
Other girls: GOING STEADY Boys: SHE SAW HIM Some girls: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD Other girls: GOING STEADY Boys: SHE DUG HIM Some girls: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST Other girls: GOING STEADY Boys: SHE NAILED HIM Girls: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD Boys: IF YOU GOTTA GO THAT’S THE WAY TO GO WHEN THEY GOT YA HOOKED Girls: OOOOOH! Boys: THEN YOU’RE REALLY COOKED WHATCHA GONNA DO WHATCHA GONNA DO Girls: OOOOOH! Girls and mixed couples (boys in parentheses): WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED (OH MAN) I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD (OH MAN) NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST (OH MAN) GOING STEADY FOR GOOD GOING STEADY (OOOH) GOING STEADY (OOOH) GOING STEADY (OOOH) STEADY FOR GOOD (OOH BUH DEE DOO) GOING STEADY (UH DOO WAH) GOING STEADY (UH DOO) GOING STEADY (DOO WAH) STEADY FOR GOOD (OOH BUH DEE DOO) All girls: HE’S IN LOVE WITH KIM KIM’S IN LOVE WITH HIM .
. but my mind’s made up. Ursula: Kim MacAfee.Boys (girls in parentheses): GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) GOING STEADY (WELL) GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL) GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) GOING STEADY (WELL) GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL) Low voices (high voices in parentheses): THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE (OH YEAH) THEY’LL BE HAPPY I KNOW (OH YEAH) GOING STEADY’S FOR ME (OH YEAH) THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD GO Girls: GOING STEADY GOING STEADY Boys: GOING STEADY GOING STEADY GOING STEADY STEADY FOR GOOD GOING STEADY GOING STEADY GOING STEADY GOING STEADY GOING STEADY OH…. Ursula: You’re giving up the scream? You mean when Conrad Birdie sings on television. Of course. but things like the pledge and the Conrad Birdie Scream are past me now. what do you mean you’re resigning from the Fan Club? I mean just because Hugo Peabody gave you his pin doesn’t mean you have to retire from all social life! Going steady is very important but there are some things more important than very important and the Conrad Birdie Fan Club is one of them. Kim! . Kim: I’m sorry. Ursula. I’ll still play his records. you’re not going to go “AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” Oh. YEAH! ACT 1 Scene 3 – Ursula on phone and MacAfee house.
Kim. I’ve got to hang up. would you please get off the phone. Kim. Kim: All right! Sorry Ursula. HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTHWHILE HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA AND SMILE A WOMAN’S SMILE HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURE THAT’S ROUND INSTEAD OF FLAT WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLE YOU’RE WHAT THEY’RE WHISTLING AT IT’S WONDERFUL TO FEEL THE WAY A WOMAN FEELS IT GIVES YOU SUCH A GLOW JUST TO KNOW YOU’RE WEARING LIPSTICK AND HEELS HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND HAVE ONE JOB TO DO TO PICK OUT A BOY AND TRAIN HIM AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH YOU’VE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE LIFE’S LOVELY WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN LIKE ME HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW THE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS HOW MARVELOUS TO WAIT FOR A DATE IN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN AND GO TO A FANCY NIGHT CLUB AND STAY OUT AFTER TEN HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN UP AND FREE LIFE’S LOVELY WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN LIKE ME . are you absolutely sure? Kim: Positive. Kim. After all.Doris: Kim dear. I’m fifteen years old and it’s time I settled down. Bye. You’ll explain everything to the other kids. I’ve got some calls to make. won’t you? Ursula: I suppose I’ll have to. are you sure? I mean after all! I mean really.
Doris: And your father? Kim: I’ll call him Harry. don’t you. Doris: Yesterday I was a mother. It’s modern to call your mother by her first name. MOMMY!!!! Doris! BABY!!! What is it? What’s wrong? Kim: Birdie Conrad here coming kiss to me! Doris: Yes. I’ll wait. naturally. (hangs up – then realizes…) Doris. Mommy! Doris: I never thought I’d say it… but God bless Conrad Birdie! ACT 1 Scene 4 – Penn Station Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD AND WE’LL BE TRUE . Mommy. (exits) Kim: Conrad Birdie… is coming here… to kiss me? Thank you. dear. It makes the mother and daughter more like pals. I’ll get it. Doris. but times are changing and you’ve got to go along with them or be left behind with the old folks! Harry: I’m not an old man! I was eighteen in World War II. Kim: I’m sorry. Yes. Mommy understands… Kim: Mommy! Conrad Birdie is coming here to Sweet Apple to kiss me goodbye! Oh. Mother. The operator said she’s been trying to get through for nearly three quarters of an hour! Kim: Thank you. there’s a call for you. By the way I think Harry took the news about Hugo and I awfully well. Doris? This is she. Doris. There’s no need to look so upset. Doris: She said it was long distance and I can’t imagine who… What did you say? Kim: I said thank you. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to call me Mom? That’s modern.Doris: Kim. Today I’m a pal.
Cathy: We’ve done everything to try to make her feel better. that’s not way to be. this is an adult speaking! I order you to smile! Please? (sings) GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP PUT ON A HAPPY FACE BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP PUT ON A HAPPY FACE TAKE OF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY IT’S NOT YOUR STYLE YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU’LL BE GLAD YOU DECIDED TO SMILE PICK OUT A PLEASANT OUTLOOK STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN WIPE OFF THAT FULL OF DOUBT LOOK SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN AND SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE Girls: PUT ON A HAPPY FACE . Smile! Little girl. Joanie: No thank you.Albert: Hello ladies. she’s just sad because Conrad’s going into the army and she’ll be too old for him when he gets out. Come on now. (approaches Joanie) Hi! I’m Albert Peterson. Things can’t be that bad.Joanie) Oh. sorry I’m late. Peterson. Joanie’s been like this for three days. Joanie: (sighs) What’s the point? Laura: Mr. Now let’s go over the Birdie song once more before we go down to the train. Albert: Let me see what I can do. One two three… Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD… Albert: (sees sad girl . Conrad’s manager. young lady. Albert: What’s the matter with her? Daisy: Oh. you can sing with us if you want.
from the subway… Albert: Mama. nowadays a mother is lower . Rosie: Of what? Albert: Lou. I’m just a little faint. Yesterday was the anniversary. Six years ago he was hit on 181st Street and Broadway by a loaded beer truck. Mama: Taxi! What do I need with taxis? I’ll leave the taxis for my successful son. I told you to take a taxi.Girls: PUT ON A HAPPY FACE Kathryn: AND IF YOU’RE FEELING CROSS AND BICKERISH DON’T SIT AND WHINE THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AND LICORICE AND YOU’LL FEEL FINE Francis: I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMY SHE’D NEVER LAUGH OR SING SHE WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME NOW SHE’S A MEAN OLD THING All: SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE Albert: You’d better hurry up if you want to see Conrad before he goes! (Rosie enters with luggage) Rosie! What are you doing? You’re supposed to take the early train to Sweet Apple to make all the arrangements on that end. You know what happened the last time! Albert: I’ll get to him as soon as possible. Rosie: I won’t miss my train. Mama: SONNY!!!! (they embrace – she staggers) Albert: Mama! What’s the matter? Mama: Don’t worry about me. I figured I’d better help you coach Conrad before he talks to any reporters. Rosie: Speaking of your mother. Sonny. I’ve got to wait here for Mama. You forgot your briefcase. Albert… have you told her about dissolving Almaelou? Albert: I couldn’t. Plus. A mother can ride crowded in a dirty subway full of disgusting people wouldn’t give you a seat if your life depended on it. but what’s the difference. Rosie.
Here’s some money. Buy some candy with it. Mama. that I should give up Almaelou. (sees Rose) What’s that? Albert: Mama. Keep your money in your inside pocket. Take a cab home. Wait a minute. after all? Only a hundred and seven. Go ahead. you know Rose Alvarez from the office.) Albert: Mama. too. I’ll walk. how many blocks it it. Mama. I’m coming! I’m on my way up! Albert: You don’t understand. I’ll go during rush hour. son. it’s about Lou. Mama: Nothing is too crowded for a mother. (Rose exits. Be careful crossing the street. Albert. You killed me. what I wanted to discuss with you is sort of about Rose. Mama: Why? I know my sonny.than dirt. Mama: This is Rose Alvarez? Pretty little Rose Alvarez? I can’t believe it! Rose. Lou. that’s all. It’s just that Rose thought… I mean I thought… I mean… Look. and I agree. Mama: Call me Mrs. (Mama staggers) What’s the matter. Goodbye. Mama? Mama: Nothing’s the matter. I don’t want to miss my train. Lou? Struck down by a beverage! What about Lou? Albert: Well. I have to go to Sweet Apple. Albert: Mama… Mama: Enjoy yourself. what about Rose? Albert: Well. Mama: Lou! Where are you. He isn’t going to say anything that would break her heart. anyway! Here’s the money I saved from not taking the taxi. dear. That’s the worst time. . And eat a hot lunch…. The subways are too crowded. Mae. (exits) Rose: (enters) I thought you were going to break it to her gently. Wear your heavy coat. Maybe you’d better sit down. Mama. what happened? You had a sudden shock or something? Rosie: Excuse me. He loves his mama. Take care. Peterson. Rose things.
I didn’t tell her at all. she was so upset about my leaving I thought I’d better wait. how about answering a couple of questions. and New York teens enter. reporter. Rosie: HE WILL GLADLY FACE THOSE BULLETS FOR HE’S NOT AFRAID TO DIE Teens: FOR HE’S A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY Albert: And that’s why he volunteered… Reporter: Volunteered? I thought he was drafted! And he appealed – three times! Rosie: Sing! Teens: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD AND WE’LL BE TRUE WHEN YOU’RE NOT NEAR US WE’RE BLUE OH CONRAD WE LOVE YOU Albert: Very nice! Reporter: What’s the pitch on that Hollywood starlet. Conrad? Are you two engaged? Rosie: IS HE ENGAGED IS CONRAD ENGAGED THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THE RUMOR HE’S ENGAGED . Rosie. Did you get to Conrad? Sally: He’s coming! He’s coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!! (Conrad. I mean.I. Conrad? Like how do you feel about going into the army? Albert: HOW DOES HE FEEL YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS HE’S MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOU SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS HE FEELS BRAVE AND EAGER STRANGELY HUMBLE PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G.) Reporter: Hey.Albert: Well. as a matter of fact.
Mr. give us the real scoop: Is Conrad still drinking a lot? Rosie: NOW LISTEN HERE THIS GOSSIP MUST STOP HE GOES TO CHURCH EACH SUNDAY AND HE DOESN’T TOUCH A DROP Albert: HE’S AS DECENT AS A MINISTER HE’S AS SOBER AS A JUDGE HE SUBSCRIBES TO EVERY CHARITY AND HIS HOBBY’S MAKING FUDGE Teens: FOR HE’S A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY Reporter: Is it true that you found Conrad in a reform school? Albert and Rosie: THAT IS A LIE . Mr. Peterson. Peterson. “Say. “Do you suppose I can get assigned to the front line trenches and get me one of those dirty… Rosie: Albert! Albert: Uh… whoever’s dirty these days! Reporter: Hey.Albert: SHE’S A REAL PAL LIKE A SISTER BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN A THING AND THAT EIGHT CARAT DIAMOND IT WAS JUST A FRIENDSHIP RING Teens: FOR HE’S A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY Reporter: Then why was her husband so mad? Albert: Sing! Teens: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD AND WE’LL BE TRUE HUM… Albert: I’ll never forget Conrad’s first words when he heard he’s been accepted into the Armed Forces.” he cried eagerly.
) Rosie: …and once Mr. Birdie’s train arrives. Hugo: Kim. we’ll need you to pose with him for a few photos. could I talk to you for a minute? Kim: Right now? Couldn’t it wait? .A LIE THROUGH AND THROUGH I’LL TELL YOU WHERE HE CAME FROM HERE’S THE STORY AND IT’S TRUE Rosie (Albert in parentheses): HE WAS BORN IN INDO-CHINA (HE WAS BORN IN OLD VIRGINNIE) SON OF MISSIONARIES THERE (ON A THOUSAND ACRE FARM) VERY POOR AND VERY HUNGRY (FROM A LINE OF WEALTHY PLANTERS) WHAT A CRUEL LIFE TO BEAR (FULL OF GENTEEL SOUTHERN CHARM) THEN HE DRIFTED DOWN TO HONG KONG (EVERY EVENING BY THE RIVER) TO A WATERFRONT SALOON (IN THE MOONLIGHT THEY WOULD CROON) THAT IS WHERE I HEARD HIM SINGING (THAT’S WHERE CONRAD STARTED SINGING) NEATH THAT DIRTY HONG KONG MOON (NEATH THAT SWEET PLANTATION MOON) Teens (Adults in parentheses) : WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (OH BEAUTIFUL) OH YES WE DO (FOR SPACIOUS SKIES) WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (FOR AMBER WAVES) AND WE’LL BE TRUE (OF GRAIN) OH OH CONRAD (AMERICA) WE LOVE YOU (AMERICA) WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (GOD SHED HIS) WE’LL BE TRUE (GRACE ON THEE) Reporter: FOR HE’S A FINE UPSTANDING AVERAGE MODEST All: PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN AMERICAN BOY ACT 1 Scene 5 – Sweet Apple Station (Rosie talking to Kim and girls.
Carrie: Conrad Birdie isn’t “people. Only don’t be too long. Conrad Birdie is just a fling. Hugo.Hugo: I don’t think so. I’m VERY jealous! And I have every right to be. (exits) Deborah Sue: Hugo Peabody. I believe you’re actually jealous of Conrad Birdie! Hugo: Me jealous? I’m the opposite of jealous. I’ve already had several headaches and a nosebleed! Alice: Why Hugo. Rosie: Go ahead. that’s what’s so important! I want you to know I’m quite upset about this. and I don’t care how common and ordinary you are. Hugo. that’s how I’m going to stay! Hugo: You’re not just saying that to make me feel better? Kim: I mean every word of it. Kim’s my steady! People just don’t ditch their steadies. Hugo: Important? I’ll tell you what’s so important! The day after I give her my pin she goes around kissing someone else. Kim.” Hugo. Hugo. Hugo?? Allison: Whatever it is can’t be THAT important. It’s important. A steady is forever… ONE BOY ONE SPECIAL BOY ONE BOY TO GO WITH TO TALK WITH AND WALK WITH All girls: ONE BOY THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE ONE BOY ONE CERTAIN BOY ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH TO JOKE WITH HAVE COKE WITH ONE BOY NOT TWO OR THREE . Kim. what’s so important that you have to talk to her right now? Helen: Yes! What’s the urgently urgent urgency. I’m your steady! Oh I may admire Conrad Birdie as one admires a far distant and unattainable ideal. Kim: That’s just it. Hugo. But I’m pinned to you.
) Hugo: The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy and almost faint… and you heard her.) FOR HE’S A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC . Why even when I say his name I don’t feel a thing. etc. all thoughts of a nosebleed have utterly vanished! Kim: You were silly to worry. (swoons) Girls: ONE BOY ONE STEADY BOY ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER ONE BOY THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE Judy: (enters) Look! Conrad’s train is pulling into the station! He’s here! (Kim. Bonrad Cirdie. Hugo. Lady! That boy is me! Rosie: ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU ONE GUY ONE SPECIAL GUY ONE GUY TO LIVE FOR TO CARE FOR BE THERE FOR ONE GUY All: (entering with Conrad. Listen.. Conrad Birdie.Small group: ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU ONE BOY ONE STEADY BOY ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER ONE BOY THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE Hugo: Oh Kim. exits. Conrad Birdie. Conrad Birdie doesn’t have half the effect on me that my steady does.
do hereby promise to be loyal. the mayor. courteous. And as I present this key to you. raging. Birdie! Mr. Birdie.HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY Ursula: Conrad Birdie. Birdie? Cathy: Speak to us. has reduced me to a snarling. and true. in anticipation of it. (fill in name) being of sound mind and body. Kim MacAfee! Kim and girls: I. and the United States of America – both indivisible. what are you doing? Conrad: YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE CAUSE IF YOU FEEL IT HERE WELL THEN YOU’RE GONNA BE HONESTLY SINCERE IF WHAT YOU FEEL IS TRUE REALLY FEEL IT YOU . panting jungle beast! Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE (Edna swoons) Mayor: Edna! What’s the matter? Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE Mayor: Mr. steadfast. with liberty and justice for all! Mayor: It is with great pride and prejudice as well as the usual pomp and circumstances. I think I speak for the entire population when I say that we’d much rather hear from Mr. I would like to introduce to you the girl upon whom you have chosen to bestow your final farewell kiss upon… and who will now lead us in reciting the Conrad Birdie Pledge. oh beautiful one! Tell us how you make that glorious sound that even now. that I welcome you. (Girls scream) I welcome you…uh…sir… to our fair city and present you with this fourteen carat solid gold key so generously donated by employees at the Sweet Apple Brass Works. dear. Conrad Birdie… Babs: AHHH!! HE SAID IT!! HE SAID THE NAME!!! (screams) Mayor: What happened? All I said was Conrad Birdie. welcome to Sweet Apple! Now before we hear from his honor. Conrad Birdie… (scream) If you girls don’t stop that I can’t finish my speech! Edna: Uh nobody cares about your speech. to Conrad Birdie.
MAKE THEM FEEL IT TOO WRITE THIS DOWN NOW YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE HONESTLY SINCERE MAN YOU’VE GOTTA BE SINCERE Mayor: Edna!! IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE THEN IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT OOOH BABY (scream) OH HONEY (scream) HUG ME (scream) SUFFER (scream) IN EVERYTHING I DO MY SINCERITY SHOWS THROUGH I LOOK YOU IN THE EYE DON’T EVEN HAVE TO TRY IT’S AUTOMATIC I’M SINCERE WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE WHEN I SING ABOUT A GIRL I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL I MEAN I REALLY FEEL SINCERE IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE THEN IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT OOOH BABY (scream) OH HONEY (scream) HUG ME (scream) SUFFER (scream) YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE OH OH OH YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE OH OH OH MY BABY OH MY BABY OH YEAH .
) Mrs. Johnson: Harvey! Harvey! What are you doing? Mrs. Edna… it’s me. where are you? Edna: Mister Birdie! Is that you? Mayor: No. Merkle: Ursula! Ursula! Come back here this minute! Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE Teens: YEAH! Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE Teens: YEAH! Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE Teens: YEAH! Conrad: OH MY BABY OH YEAH OH MY BABY OH YEAH WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE OH MY BABY OH YEAH OH MY BABY OH YEAH OH MY BABY OH YEAH OH MY BABY OH YEAH YEAH YEAH (blackout) ACT 1 Scene 6 (In the darkness. Voice: There’s a lady lying in the gutter. Johnson: Harvey. .OH MY BABY OH YEAH Mrs. Who does she belong to? Voice: Me. Leave her there.
There has been no taxation without representation and open covenants have been openly arrived at. How about a nice warm Seven-Up? Randolph: (enters) Morning. Pa. didn’t we? Well. as you call it. I know the house is a bit hectic this morning. I am not budging from this room until I get my coffee and read my paper! Doris: Oh I’m sorry. we’ve got five thousand two hundred and seventy six to go. sex. I… (breakfast is gone) There we are! All done! Did you enjoy it. And give me my hat! Girls: (singing outside the MacAfee’s house) WE LOVE YOU CONRAD OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD AND WE’LL BE TRUE Margie: I’m tired. I hope you don’t mind but I cut out a few stories about Conrad. Of course it really doesn’t mean that much to me personally but for Kim’s sake. happens to be my breakfast. Here’s your paper.Girl’s voice: I got a lock of someone’s hair! I wonder if it’s his! Man’s voice: No it isn’t. Doris: Your father has a right to enjoy his eggs. And I intend enjoying it. Kim. The vote has been denied no one for reasons of age. But I’m sure he won’t mind if we just quietly start clearing away some of these other things. Birdie and I want to make sure everything’s ready and waiting for him when he comes down. dear? Good! Now if you’ll just hurry along… Harry: Doris. Harry: (paper is full of holes) I have tried to run this house on a democratic basis. I didn’t have time to make your coffee this morning. I wish you’d hurry. Last night I gave up my room to a guest who . Harry: This mess. but Kim’s gone to a lot of trouble to fix a special breakfast for Mr. Ursula. or political affiliation. dear. I want to have all this mess cleared away before Conrad comes in. Deborah Sue: We’ve been here all night! Ursula: We promised to sing the Birdie song ten thousand times. I have extended the privilege of self-determination to both the woman I have married and the children I have sired. After all he is a national figure and I want to show these New York people we know how to treat a national figure here in Sweet Apple. Kim. So sing! Kim: Daddy.
he’s just shy… Edna: There’s room at my house.) Birdie: Call me for lunch. Chugs it. too! We’ll stand quietly back here. Your father’s just excited about Conrad’s being here. the Magna Carta is revoked. Doris: Please. Alaska. Harry: Perfectly all right. and Nero is back in town! And you don’t offer an emperor a warm Seven-Up! Albert: Oh. Mr. Doris. he’s coming! You’d better hurry if you want to watch him eat! Ursula: Mother! What are you doing here? Mrs. Fairbanks. and Hong Kong. if you ask me… Harry: Doris. Doris. Johnson: Well. dear. Kim is only fifteen and I don’t want her… Kim: Please. (passes Harry) Hey Daddy-o! Harry: Now look here. Opens it. you call the kids! Doris: Girls. Not in front of everybody! . Randolph: Here he is! (Birdie enters in bathrobe. I’ll go out and burn Rome. what’s wrong? Doris: Nothing. Mrs. Harry. three harpies shrieked We Love You Conrad four thousand seven hundred and twenty three times! I just lost two fried eggs! Gentlemen. the democracy is over! Parliament has been dissolved. Grabs soda out of cabinet.repeatedly referred to me as “Daddy-o” Telephone calls were made on my phone to New York. squirting everyone. I slept in a camp cot with my feet in the fireplace and my head in an ashtray. Daddy. MacAfee! I hope you won’t mind keeping off the phone for a few minutes. Hands can to Doris. but we just had to come. Merkle: I’m sorry. Outside my window. We’re expecting a long-distance call from New York. that’s all. (exits) Kim: Mother. Randolph: He’s coming! He’s coming! Kim: He’s coming! I’ll get the eggs! Mother. Chicago. if you’d rather….
and Mrs. we’d better go! Harry: I don’t care who’s here.Mrs. No lout with bad manners… Randolph: Tell ‘em. From Ed Sullivan himself. Harry: On television? Albert: I just got the confirmation from New York. don’t destroy that dream! Harry: Me on the… Doris: Ed Sullivan Show. that young man is our guest and… Harry: (to Kim) This is my house and until you’re eighteen… Randolph: Pa… Harry: I said shut up! Until you’re eighteen… Randolph: But Pa… Harry: Will you leave me alone? Albert: Mr. That’s right. Merkle: Ursula. ED SULLIVAN . Mr. MacAfee! Kim! Randolph! Is this the way you want seventy-five million people Americans to see you? Harry: What are you talking about? Albert: You’re all going to be on television with Conrad. MacAfee. To that great audience out there you’re an American dream come true. They’re going to cut in on Sweet Apple this Sunday night at 8:05 and you’re all going to be on. Harry: You mean we’re gonna get to meet… Albert: Ed Sullivan. Harry: You mean we’re going to be on the… (he can’t say it) Albert: Ed Sullivan Show. And for the free world’s sake. Doris: Harry. That’s why I beg you to put aside all petty differences. Pa! Harry: Shut up.
Rose. she’s accepted the whole thing by now. Albert… what do you think? Albert: It looks great. About… about you and I. That’s why I want you to know that I wrote Mama and told her no matter what happened… I’ve decided to give up Almaelou. Rose. Albert: It’ll be swell. and now this! All: SOMEDAY WE’LL RECALL THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL ED SULLIVAN ACT 1 Scene 7 – Central Movie Theatre Rosie: Well. I’m sure everything’ll be perfect.Harry: Me. Being away from New York. and whatever costumes we need we can… Albert: Rose. this is it. Albert: I want to tell you that I’m very glad you and I… and me… are out here together. Rose. which leaves three days and three nights for her to get in touch with me and so far not a word! If you ask me. Rose… has made me see all kinds of things in a different light. Rosie: Albert. Harry MacAfee appearing with… Randolph and Kim: ED SULLIVAN All: ED SULLIVAN ED SULLIVAN WE’RE GONNA BE ON ED SULLIVAN AHHHHH Harry: I’ve got a wonderful wife – two swell kids – a good job. I did. Rose! Now there’s something I want to talk to you about… Rosie: Of course it’s been used as a movie theatre for the past thirty years but I think it’ll be fine for the TV show. Now what I wanted to say was… Rosie: They’re shipping down the cameras and lights today. . Now there’s something very important I want to tell you. Rosie: You and ME. you didn’t! Albert: Yes. I wrote her the day we left. English teacher.
“Albert’s mother. . Watch this! Mama: Bravo! Bravo! Gloria: Well. listen… I don’t just have secretary skills. Albert: You do… other things? Gloria: I tap dance! I figured I could help you with the secretary stuff and you would help me get into show business. Gloria: Hi. Al! Hey. Your friend. However.” And don’t hire a limousine to get me to the final resting place.” Almaelou is dissolved? Dissolve me! Who am I anyway? A sick old woman probably won’t last the night. Albert: Mama! Mama: And tell that lady friend of hers I forgive her. It’s only a mother’s tears. Rosie. and Gloria could do them. I do have all these releases to get out. She knoweth not what she doneth! Good riddance! And don’t worry about a secretary.Mama (enters): Three days and three nights on a Trailways Bus… but what’s the difference? I’m only a mother and for a mother a Trailways Bus is good enough! Albert: Mama! What are you doing here? Mama: Did you think I wouldn’t come? A woman gets a letter obviously written under the influence of drugs and she should stay at home? (wrings out letter) Pay no attention. I just want a simple stone with one word carved on it. “Dear Mom: This is to let you know that Almaelou is dissolved. A wonderful refined girl on her way to Akron only I persuaded her to get off here. I don’t need a secretary. Unless it makes any difference to you. you’re cute! Albert: But Mama. Sonny… say hello to Gloria Rasputin. I’ll walk. Gloria: Well. It so happens I met on the bus a perfect secretary. I’m used to working with Rosie. we are faced with a certain amount of work and… Mama: Sonny. I have Rosie! Mama: What does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two she’ll be getting social security. do I get the job? Albert: I don’t know. Albert. why don’t you take Gloria somewhere and see how fast she types? Albert: Well.
Hugo… I think you can. but I’m looking for Kim MacAfee. the young man you’ve all been waiting to see. Sullivan: So remember: Your surest way to the best in color slides is to insist on the new Kodak! And now. we take you to Sweet Apple. Harvey MacAfee… Harry: It’s Harry! Sullivan: And their children. (they exit) Rosie: I could kill him. And tonight. one of show business’ brightest talents is going off to play a very special engagement. I just want to tell her that she is NOT to kiss Conrad Birdie on that Sullivan Show tonight because if she does. and Mrs.Rosie: Why should it make any difference to me? Albert: Swell! You just keep working and I’ll go along with Miss Rasputin. Miss Alvarez? Rosie: Yes. (to Gloria) Can you use a typewriter? Gloria: No thanks. Mr. I could just kill him. he wants to leave a certain lucky young lady with One Last Kiss. in just about fourteen hours. I’ll… Miss Alvarez… is anything wrong? Miss Alvarez! It’s me! Hugo Peabody! Can I do anything for you. Miss Alvarez. Ladies and gentlemen. I already have one. Hugo: (entering) Excuse me. Harry: Ed. before he goes. I hear you! Where are you??? Sullivan: As you know. Kim and Rudolph… Randolph: Randolph! Sullivan: …are gathered to bid farewell to a typical American soldier… Conrad Birdie! Conrad: OH ONE LAST KISS OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE OH OH OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS . OLhio where a typical American family. ACT 1 Scene 8 – Theatre turns into a TV studio during Ed Sullivan’s announcement.
OH ONE MORE TIME OH BABY ONE MORE TIME IT REALLY IS SUBLIME OH HONEY SO SUBLIME YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE OH OH OH GIMME ONE MORE KISS BA A A A A A A A A A A BY GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS BA A A A A A A A A A A BY GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS OH ONE LAST KISS OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE OH OH OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS ONE LAST KISS ONE LAST KISS OH GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ONE LAST KISS ONE LAST KISS OH GIVE ME ONE LAST… Conrad: (to Kim) Brace yourself. kid! Hugo: Brace yourself. Conrad Birdie! (he aims for Conrad’s face) Conrad: (puts hands up) NOT THE HAIR! (Hugo punches Conrad in the stomach.) Kim: Hugo! You hit him! Hugo: He deserved it! He was a… thief of love! Kim: Hugo Peabody! I never want to speak to you again! Albert: I demand to know who’s responsible for this! Who let that kid in here? .
on the town. making up for eight years of being in love with a Mamma-clutching. You’re on television! Albert: FOR HE’S A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY All: FOR HE’S A FINE UPSTANDING PATRIOTIC HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY ACT 2 Scene 1 – Kim’s room. Rosie. come back! You can’t leave me here alone! Rosie: You’re not alone. Albert: Rosie! Rosie: It’s a sort of farewell present to you and Miss Rasputin. Albert: Rosie. aspirin-splitting tower of Jello! WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM HOW DID I EVER GET INVOLVED THAT WAY NOW THAT IT’S OVER I CAN SMILE AND SAY WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM BOY I WAS WAY OUT ON A LIMB HOW DID I EVER GET INVOLVED THAT WAY NOW THAT IT’S OVER I CAN SMILE AND SAY WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM IS HE TENDER? NO HE’S NOT IS HE THOUGHTFUL? NO HE’S NOT AM I CRAZY? WHAT’S HE GOT THAT I FOUND SO DAMN APPEALING WHAT DID HE EVER DO FOR ME WELL TO BE HONEST HE WAS SOMETIMES NICE BUT STILL IT WASN’T WORTH THE AWFUL PRICE IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START .Rosie: I did. Albert. Rosie: EIGHT YEARS EIGHT YEARS THAT’S HOW LONG I’VE WAITED ON HIM THAT’S ALL I’M THROUGH ALBERT DEAR TO PUT IT SWEETLY TO HELL WITH YOU That’s right! From now on it’s just going to be me. Albert.
BROKEN HEART HOW DID I EVER WHY DID I EVER WHAT DID I EVER Kim: Don’t be upset. he’s as bad as Mr. Rosie: And look what happened to her! Look. why don’t you go have some milk and cookies and go to bed… .BROKEN DATES. I’m coming with you! Rosie: Kim. Kim. BROKEN HEART WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN… Kim: Hugo F. BROKEN NAILS. Peabody! Rosie: Huh? Kim: Hugo! What did I ever see in him? Why. don’t be ridiculous! You’re only fifteen! Kim: Juliet was fourteen when she left home. Peterson if not worse! Miss Alvarez. WE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START BROKEN DATES. Miss Alvarez? Rosie: We go on! We live! Sip from the cup of life! Mix the potion full strong and drain it to the dregs! Rosie and Kim: DO WE NEED THEM NO WE DON’T DO WE WANT THEM NO WE DON’T Kim: WILL WE LEAVE THEM? Rosie: NO WE WON’T TELL ME WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR? Rosie and Kim: WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE TAKE IT FROM US. From puberty to senility. From Benedict Arnold to Mussolini… Kim: Then what are we poor women to do. Miss Alvarez. BROKEN NAILS. All men can’t be like that! Rosie: Every one of them! They’re all the same.
Now leave me alone. So it looks like you’ve failed. Rosie: Albert. I’ll make you some Ovaltine. Miss Alvarez! I want to live! We’ll sip the dregs together! We’ll help eachother with our potions! ACT 2 Scene 2 – Downstairs in MacAfee house Conrad: (entering with Albert and Mama) For the last time. Mama: Wait for me. Albert. I’m going on the town tonight and I don’t want to waste another minute! Albert: Not until I’ve had my say. I’m okay and I don’t feel like sleeping. (Continues to pantomime his greatness as Rosie sings. Mama. you ex English teacher to be! WHAT DID I EVER SEE… IN HIM! (Rosie exits) . Rose. Mama: Be careful. Conrad. one of the King Kongs of the music industry. BROKEN HEART Albert: An Empire builder! A Collosseus! Rosie: Out of my way. I just want to let you know that the kiss will take place after all. one of the giants. Sonny. Albert: Conrad. the titans. Tomorrow morning at the railroad station just before Conrad leaves. You go upstairs with Conrad and see he gets into bed. BROKEN NAILS.Kim: It’s too late for cookies. Albert. She may be armed! Albert: I can handle this.) Rosie: WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT HE WAS NICE TAKE IT FROM ME. As anyone MUST fail who tries to beat Al Peterson. Rose. be reasonable! You’ve had a severe shock and the best thing you can do is get upstairs and… (sees Rosie) Aha! There she is! The traitor who stabbed me in the heart when my back was turned! Rosie: Get out of my way. I’VE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START BROKEN DATES.
Albert: (still on phone) Now look here. Puberty was the first. A little respect. No little local reporter can bulldoze me! I happen to be Albert J. Pa. Harry: I don’t want your respect. Harry: Probably Hong Kong again. Doris. young lady? Kim: With Rosie! To drain deep the dregs and sip full hearty the brimming cup. To live! I’m going to start by dying my hair! Doris: You will do no such thing! Kim: It’s my hair! Harry: Not until you’re 21! Upstairs. this is Albert Peterson speaking. come back! Do you hear me? This is King Kong calling! Rosie! I need you! Rosie. I’m not a well man. You’re a child. I get no respect. Kim: Miss Alvarez was right! You’re all the same. Kim: But daddy… Harry: Upstairs. Certain words I didn’t want to hear In this house. Miss Alvarez. take me upstairs. That’s all I asked for. Mussolini was the second… and respect was the third. Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. and Randolph enter) And I don’t care how you plead and beg. Just respect. (phone) I’ll get that. Peterson and you can print that in… what did you say your magazine is called again? Life? (hangs up) Rosie. I’m sorry but Miss Rose Alvarez is no longer with us. That’s right… Kim: Miss Alvarez! Wait for me! I’m coming! Harry: Where do you think you’re going. but I’ve had to let Miss Alvarez go. Randolph: I respect you. I don’t care what magazine you’re from. What good is respect from a child? Doris. please come back! Rosie… (Harry. You big rat! Sorry to have to do this in front of you folks. From puberty to Mussolini Harry: What’s that? You dare say “puberty” in front of your own father? Not to mention Mussolini! Doris… we’ve failed as parents! I never asked much from my children. Respect. Albert: Hello.Albert: Rosie. But did I get respect? I did not get respect. you’re through here at Almaelou! You’re fired! And just remember one more thing. I need you! . Do you hear me? I said… upstairs.
Only maybe I better give you the message from Conrad first.Mama: (enters) Sonnyboy! Where are you going? Albert: Nowhere. why didn’t you tell me this before? Mama: I tried to. get the contract. did you ever think in terms of a more mature woman? Conrad: Man. buddy boy. Albert: What message? Mama: Nothing to worry about. Mama. you’d help me find Rosie before it’s too late. darling. when you get back be sure to stop in the kitchen and take my head out of the oven and turn off the gas. I hope I never get THAT tense. you’re right! I’ll help you find her. don’t just stand there! Do something! Mama: Conrad. I am tense! Albert: Mama. By all means. sonny. dear. having people watch me when I eat. And I’ve had enough of this! If you really loved me. Who knows what low dive she’s in at this very moment. Albert. He just says he’s going out tonight and he doesn’t think he’ll get back in time to kiss Kim tomorrow… Albert: Mama. It’s a strange house. Don’t you realize what’s happened? She’s gone out to make up for all the years she’s wasted on me. I love her and I want her back! Mama: Is that all? I thought it was something serious. I don’t want to run up a bill. I just want you to know that I’ve made up my mind. but you kept bringing up a certain party… Albert: I don’t know what’s the matter with him! He knows how much this means to me! Conrad! Conrad! Conrad: (entering) Take it easy! I’m coming… And before you start hollering. It’s stuffy in here so I thought… To look for Rosie. this is my last free night before I go into the army and I am going out! Albert: You can’t go out without my permission! It says so in your contract! Mama. Just out. Albert. it’s electric. I’ll get it myself. . and letting kids poke me in the eye. Sonny. Albert: Mama. And by the way. I’m tired of getting up at nine every morning. find her and bring her back here. Mama: Oh. Mama. It’s in my… never mind. darling sweetheart. I want to have some fun! Go out! Meet a couple of girls! Don’t you understand. Now look.
don’t you? Harvey: Yes. Conrad: What’s the lowdown on this town? Harvey: Sweet Apple Ohio was founded in 1852 by Jeremia S. Mr. Ice. Birdie. there’s the community center and the Sweet Shop and the older kids go to the ice house. I guess.Conrad: THERE ARE GIRLS JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSING AND I MEAN TO KISS ME A FEW MAN THOSE GIRLS DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE MISSING I GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO SIZZLING STEAKS ALL READY FOR TASTING AND THERE’S CADILLACS ALL SHINY AND NEW GOTTA MOVE CAUSE TIME IS A-WASTING THERE’S SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO Kim: THERE ARE MEN OF NINETEEN OR TWENTY WHO ARE SUAVE AND RECKLESS AND TRUE OLDER MEN WHO’LL GIVE A GIRL PLENTY I’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO ACT 2 Scene 3 – A street Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY PLACES TO GO PEOPLE TO SEE EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME Conrad: Hey. you kids live here. Apple who… Conrad: I mean what do you DO here? Where do you go to have fun? Kelly: Well. . Conrad: What’s there? Kelly: I don’t know.
that the ice house is where people go when they want to be alone. Mr. That’s why I’m leaving home. Conrad: Hey. Birdie. ain’t you the girl I was supposed to kiss? Kim: I am a fully grown woman and I insist on being treated as such. Conrad: Now you’re talking! Come on. let’s move! We got things to do! Wanda: CRAZY CLOTHES Freddie: AND MOTOR BOAT RACES All: SOMEONE NICE TO CUDDLE UP TO Meredith: BROADWAY LIGHTS Stacey: AND WIDE-OPEN SPACES All: THERE’S SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO LOTS OF DATES AND NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU LOOP THE LOOP AND LAUGH AT THE VIEW MOONLIGHT SWIMS AND SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU YEAH WE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO WOW! Karl: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY YOU KNOW IT Karl: PLACES TO GO YOU KNOW IT! Karl: PEOPLE TO SEE! EVERYTHING YEAH Karl: FOR YOU AND ME All: OH LIFE’S A BALL IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT .Kim: It just so happens.
Ursula? Mother’s calling you! Ursula! Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY PLACES TO GO PEOPLE TO SEE EVERYTHING Kids: YEAH! Conrad: FOR YOU AND ME Conrad and kids: OH LIFE’S A BALL IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT AND IT’S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU YOU’RE ALIVE SO COME ON AND SHOW IT OH WE’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING SUCH A LOT OF LIVING WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Eleanor: Isn’t this so incredibly exciting? Daphne: You said it! I can’t wait to Loop the Loop! Gigi: Neither can I! Harriet: Exactly what IS Loop the Loop? Gigi: I have no idea! But I can’t wait! Hugo: Robert! Have you seen Kim? Robert: Yeah! She went off with Conrad and a bunch of other kids. Johnson: Harvey Johnson. I want you home this minute! Mrs. . Merkle: Do you hear me. where are you? You know you were told to go straight to bed! Alice! Mrs.AND IT’S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU YOU’RE ALIVE SO COME ON AND SHOW IT OH WE’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING SUCH A LOT OF LIVING WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO Mayor and Edna: Alice.
Randolph: That’s Randolph’s. I’ll be glad to deliver it right after I shoot him. get my gun. it’s broken.) KIDS I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY . where are you? Hugo. what are you talking about? You know you don’t have a gun! Harry: There’s that Daisy Air Rifle in the garage. Albert: Shoot him! Rosie! I’ve got to find Rosie! (exits) Doris: Dear. Harry: Shut up. Mr. have you seen Kim? Hugo: Don’t ask me. dear. So if you have a message. she’ll kill me! Monty: Yeah… that’s why I’m late. Albert: Mr. If my mom sees me without my sweater. have you? Harry. Peterson. No. Let’s go! Melanie: Motorboat Races! That sounds like sooooooo much fun! Nanette: Yeah! And they’ll be even MORE fun if we can find some water! Harry: Kim! Kim. Ask Conrad Birdie… Harry: What are you talking about? Hugo: They’re out together having moonlight swims and motorboat races and loop the loop! I’m going to do the only sensible thing. but I intend seeing him. you haven’t seen Conrad. dear… Harry: Then get me anything! That bow and arrow I bought you for your birthday with the suction tips! Don’t just stand there! My daughter has run off to loop the loop with a fiend! Get me a water gun! Where’s Randolph? (Randolph enters dressed like Conrad. too. MacAfee. Drink myself to death! Harry: Moonlight swims… Motorboat races… Loop the loop! Doris. I wonder where I can buy beebees this late at night… Doris: Anyway.Monty: Hey Robert! Are you going to raise heck with the kids? Robert: Yeah… but I had to go home first.
it’s the loop the loop that hurts. KIDS Why don’t they lower the draft age… to about eleven? KIDS I didn’t know what puberty was until I was almost past it! Harry and Doris: KIDS THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL KIDS WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AND THEIR ROCK AND ROLL WHY CAN’T THEY DANCE LIKE WE DID WHAT’S WRONG WITH SAMMY KAYE Randolph: Pop. And put some rocks in it this time. here’s my pea shooter! Harry: Perfect! Give it to me! Harry and Doris: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY (blackout) ACT 2 Scene 4 – Maude’s Roadside Retreat Hugo: (enters) I’ll have a double rocks on the scotch. .KIDS WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY KIDS THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT DISRESEPCTFUL OAFS NOISY CRAZY SLOPPY LAZY LOAFERS AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT KIDS YOU CAN TALK AND TALK TILL YOUR FACE IS BLUE KIDS BUT THEY STILL DO JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO DO WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY Harry and Doris: KIDS I don’t mind the moonlight swims.
Rosie: Tell that weaselly little rat I’m not here. Hugo: Okay. Da da da da da… Albert: (simultaneous with above) Hello.” Maude: Yeah.) Rosie: Double bourbon. Hugo: But your nametag says “Edna. Maude: Nice to meet you. And if you’re not out of here in one minute. Maude: Get out. Make that two cherries! And bring on the dancing boys! (sings) Da da da da… Maude: Get out of here! (phone) Yeah? Rosie: You can’t throw me out! I’m an American citizen and it’s my constitutional right to go anywhere I choose and do anything I choose…. Rosie enters. I’ll take you by the scruff of the neck and throw you out. please? Maude: Hey! I got a guy named Peterson wants to talk to you. Peterson speaking. and a cherry in it. no ice. Edna F. Hugo: I demand to see the manager. Hugo: Just let me sit here with an empty glass in front of me. scotch on the side. this is Albert J. Maude. Maude: Out. . Hugo: Hugo Peabody. Is Rose Alvarez there? I think I hear her voice now. Hugo: How about a beer? Maude: Scram. Where’s Maude? Maude: I’m Maude.Maude: How old are you? Hugo: 32. Would you put her on. I’m going… this is the last time I do my drinking in this place. (Hugo exits.
please… TALK TO ME ROSIE WON’T YOU TALK TO ME I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY ROSIE TALK TO ME MUST YOU BE OH SO FAR AWAY FROM ME IT SEEMS ALL WRONG THIS WAY TALK TO ME (Maude and customers in parentheses) AND IF YOU MISS ME (MMM) TELL ME SO (MMM) ARE YOU LONELY (MMM) TELL ME SO (MMM) SAY YOU LOVE ME (MMM) TELL ME SO ROSIE LET ME KNOW TALK TO ME (TALK TO ME…) TILL I HAVE YOU (TILL HE HAS YOU – AH) CLOSE TO ME (AH) THEN YOU’LL SEE (AH) WE WON’T HAVE TO TALK AT ALL Maude (customers in parentheses) MUST YOU BE OH SO FAR AWAY FROM HIM BABY HE WON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY (OH BABY) TALK (TALK) TO ME AND IF YOU MISS HIM Guys: OH TELL HIM SO Albert: ARE YOU LONELY .Albert: That proves she’s there! Who else would know I’m a weaselly little rat? Rose. Rosie. I’ve got to talk to you! It’s about Conrad! Rosie: And furthermore. We’ll talk about anything you want! You. the one thing that would make me hang up is any mention of anybody named Conrad! Albert: No. I. me. Rosie. please don’t hang up! I won’t mention Conrad. anything! Oh.
my whole world is collapsing before me! I can’t get a drink and Kim’s run off with Conrad to the ice house. are you? Rosie: No. Hugo: Miss Alvarez. . I’m not alone. Albert.Guys: TELL HIM SO Albert: SAY YOU LOVE ME (OOOH OOOH OOOH) TELL ME SO (OOOH OOOH OOOH) Guys: HONEY Albert: LET ME KNOW TALK TO ME (TALK TO ME) TILL I PRESS YOU (TILL I BRING YOU) CLOSE TO ME (CLOSE TO ME) THEN YOU’LL SEE (THEN YOU’LL SEE) All: WE (YOU) WON’T HAVE TO TALK AT ALL Guys: TILL I BRING YOU CLOSE TO ME Albert: THEN YOU’LL SEE Solo: WE WON’T HAVE TO TALK (AH) AT ALL Solo: TALK TO ME Solo: TALK TO ME Solo: TALK TO ME Solo: TALK TO ME All: HMMMM Albert: Rosie. you’re not alone. Albert: I’ll be right there! (hangs up – Rosie exits) ACT 2 Scene 6 – Outside Maude’s. I’m with friends.
Mama! Mama: I don’t know why we have to go running around all night looking for someone it would be better not to find in the first place. I got the report from the hospital. Why don’t you go home. though. Albert: Mama. Sonnyboy. Mama? Mama: Yes. Just wail til Mother’s Day. And by the way. Mama: What did you say. sweetheart. Albert: Goodnight. As a matter of fact. it’s not a bad idea. Mama?” Mama: Would you mind repeating that once more. sweetheart.Rosie: Kim and Conrad! Albert! I’ve got to call Albert! Hugo. that’s okay with me. and a son is running around in saloons with a woman whose sole purpose is to destroy a mother’s life! Albert: Are you finished. and dump me in the river! Well. I don’t want you to spend a cent. Leave it open so a hundred thousand pussycats can walk all over a mother. Never mind putting a lid on. sunshine of my existence? Albert: I said go home. Mama: So it’s come at last! At last it’s come! The day I knew would come at last has come at last! My sonnyboy doesn’t need me anymore. A mother is lying on top of a sanitation truck bound for the city dump. Fancy funerals are for rich people. And the one thing doctors can’t cure is a condition. Mama. I told you I’m not coming home until I find Rosie! Now if you want to leave. Well. what are you waiting for? Get rid of me! Put me out with the garbage! Just throw me out with the used grapefruits and the empty cans from the Bumble-Bee salmon. If you listen to me. have a nice cup of Ovaltine and go to bed. I don’t want you to worry. Mama. Never mind what kind of condition – a condition. Mama. darling? Albert: I said. It’s absolutely definite. I got a condition. I got some good news for you. Aaaalbert! (exits) . Mama: You’re just like your father! You’d marry anything! Goodnight. Sonnyboy. “Why don’t you go home. Sonnyboy! Albert: My name is not Sonnyboy! Mama: Goodnight…. come with me! (exit into Maude’s) Albert: Here I come. wrap me in a flag. Everything is as it should be. you’ll come home. I feel better now. Rosie! I told you I’d be right there! Hurry. I don’t need you anymore. darling.
I intend calling the FBI! Albert: I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about… Mrs. Better you should have a pet! Harry: You know where you stand with a pay-ut! Mama: You’re telling me! All: KIDS Mrs. Mr. Peterson! Have you seen Conrad and Kim? Albert: (a new man) Ah. Johnson: Doris. Peterson. you haven’t seen Harvey. Merkle: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY All: KIDS Mrs. Johnson: WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY . Peterson! Mrs. Merkle: Doris! Harry! Have you seen Ursula? All: Ursula? Doris: Is she missing. have you? Parents: (adlib) And Phyllis! And Monty! Albert: They’re probably all down at the drugstore… maybe having one of those gang wars! (realizes what he said and exits) Harry: Gang wars!! Mama: (enters) Children. Merkle: Since ten o’clock! I’ve looked everywhere! Harry: Mr. there. too? Mrs. Mr.Harry: (enters) Mr. I must tell you that Conrad’s affairs no longer interest me. MacAfee! Unfortunately. I’m looking for Miss Alvarez now to tell her that… Conrad and Kim??? Doris: They’ve run off together! Harry: And if we don’t find them soon.
Randolph: KIDS THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS AND SO IMMATURE I DON’T SEE WHY ANYBODY WANTS ‘EM Mama: JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE Randolph: KIDS THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL Mama: SOON YOU’LL BE OLD ENOUGH TO BE Randolph: KIDS WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AND THEIR ROCK AND ROLL Mama: ONE MORE UNGRATEFUL DELINQUENT Randolph: WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE YOU WERE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY Both: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TOAll: KIDS WHAT THE DEVIL’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY KIDS WHO COULD GUESS THAT THEY WOULD TURN OUT THAT WAY WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY Harry: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS Randolph: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS All: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY! (Mama exits) Hugo: (enters drunk) Hi. But it worked! Anyhow. I’ve got a perfect right to be drunk. everybody! Good old Hugo here! Doris: Hugo Peabody! What have you been drinking? Hugo: Milk. My girl’s gone off with Conrad Birdie to… .
Mr. Rosie! I did it! I sent Mama home! I am a new man. Rose! A world leader! Rosie: Albert. Birdie! Do you mind if I call you Conrad? Conrad: Coming with me??? Freddie: Yeah! We’ve got a lot of living to do! Betty: We’ll follow you to the ends of the earth! Clara: We’ll never go home again! Except for meals! Terry: Nothing ever happened in Sweet Apple until you showed up! Penny: Yeah. Conrad and Kim have gone to the ice house! Parents: (adlib) The ice house! Call the police! Conrad: (enters) Albert! Thank God you’re here! You gotta protect me! Albert: Protect you? From what? Ursula: (entering with kids) Conrad! Amanda: We’re coming with you. but different! Lucy: We’ll never be bored again!!! Babs: Moonlight Swims! Harvey: Motorboat races! Karl: Loop the loop! Naomi: Does ANYONE know what Loop the loop is??? Vanessa: We’ll go to parties every weekend! Suzie: Just like in the 7th grade! Conrad: That stuff really ain’t as much fun as I made out… .Rosie: (enters) Albert! Albert: Rosie! Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you all night! I have good news for you. It was kind of like The Music Man.
I still want to live. Rosie: Hello. Mama: So we’re alone at last. (exits) Rosie: Oh. did you hear what I said before? This is the new Albert! Now listen to ME. Rose. what have you got to say. nothing can stop you now! Mama: (enters) Hello. can I have an autograph? Kim: Hugo! Hugo: Kim! Kim and Hugo: Are you alright? Kim: Hugo. did I mention I loved you? Rosie: Not yet. Rosie. a normal person in this town. Mae. You go get our bags and be down at the station by six-thirty tomorrow morning when I intend to be there with Conrad! And bring whatever legal documents are necessary because I intend making you Mrs.(Cop enters) Harry: There he is! The depraved brute! Arrest that man! Cop: Well now. Cop: But first. Conrad: Finally. Have you a minute to spare? . Albert: Well. but not if it’s without my steady. (they exit) Albert: I’ve got to get Conrad out of jail. Peterson by 2400 hours tomorrow! Rosie. Rosie: Listen to me! You go back to the house and I’ll go down to the courthouse and try talking to the mayor… Albert: Rose. Albert. I do. Birdie? Conrad: (to cop) Help me. Mr. Cop: I’ll have to place you under arrest until this gets straightened out.
and whether you pay me no guarantee or not… you got a contract with me forever. Rose. Goodbye. Birdie! He’s not in the jail! Albert: How should I know where he is? I haven’t seen him all night. . Peterson. Rosie: Call me Mrs. You just fill in whatever you want. Albert: Mama! Mama: (to Conrad) Rose. and I don’t want you seen until we’re out of this state! Now get aboard! Conrad: Wait a minute. I’d better go now. I’ll do what any intelligent mother has to do. Albert: Shut up and get on that train! It took every cent I had to bail you out. Peterson. (lies down on the track) Albert: Mama. (blackout) ACT 2 Scene 7 – Sweet Apple Railroad Station – morning Albert: There’s no one here! Come on… Conrad: (in women’s clothes) Now look. Don’t worry. get up and get on that train! I have no time for any nonsense… Harry: (enters) Just a moment.Rosie: I’ll always have time to talk with the woman who by tomorrow evening I’ll be able to call… Mama: Don’t say it! Rosie: Mother. you look good for a change! I know all about you two. what are you saying? Conrad: Here’s a blank piece of paper I signed my name to. I demand to know what you’ve done with Mr. Mama: The cruelest word I ever heard. Albert. I won’t make a fuss. Mr. I’m just down here to say goodbye to… Rosie. Mama: Hello Albert. Albert. Albert: Conrad. buddy boy! You saved my life.
Mama: Albert!!! Conrad: Albert. Harry: AHHHH!!! Doris: Dear. As a matter of fact. I’ll sell the house and go into a home. I read about it in this morning’s paper. Rose. dear! After all. Kim and Hugo are back together again. Six-thirty on the button. here I am.) Harry: Mr. there’s no real harm done. Rose. . Rosie… at six thirty sharp. the train’s leaving! Get on! Albert: Bye. (they exit) Conrad: Albert. Conrad. Iowa? Albert: An opening in the teaching staff of Pumpkin Falls Middle School. Why get on a train to New York when we’ve got tickets to Pumpkin Falls.(Conrad opens soda which spews. what’s wrong? Harry: My life is over now. I know because… Albert: And Mama. He proposed to her this morning and she accepted. you told me to be here at … Albert: With Conrad. the sweetest thing happened. Albert. Where’s the train? Albert: It left at six-twenty-five… Rosie: Albert. Iowa? Rosie: What’s in Pumpkin Falls. Peterson! Doris: Now there’s no point getting excited. Rosie: Albert… you wanted to miss that train! Albert: It stands to reason. because they prefer the applicant to be married. don’t leave me! Rosie: (enters) Well. And I hope you’ve brought your documents.
Rosie: You’re going to teach middle school! Oh. Albert! Albert: NOW MY LIFE IS ROSIE SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE HOW COULD I BE BLUE HAND IN HAND WE’LL MOSEY ME AND LITTLE ROSIE WE WILL BE SO COZY BY A FIRE BUILT FOR TWO OH I ONCE HEARD A POEM THAT GOES A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE WELL I DON’T AGREE TAKE IT FROM ME THERE’S ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN ANY THAT GROWS All: AND THAT’S MY ROSIE I’M SO GLAD SHE CHOSE ME LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME Albert (chorus in parentheses): NOW MY LIFE IS ROSIE (WE LOVE YOU ROSIE) SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE (OH YES WE DO) WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE (WE DON’T LOVE ANYONE) HOW COULD I BE BLUE (AS MUCH AS YOU) Rosie: OH WE’LL HAVE US A HOME OUT WEST A NICE LITTLE SPLIT-LEVEL NEXT AND IN EVERY ROOM ROSES IN BLOOM All: BUT THERE’S ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN ALL OF THE REST AND THAT’S MY ROSIE I’M SO GLAD YOU CHOSE ME LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG WHEN LOVE IS RIGHT THEN WHAT COULD BE WRONG LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME .