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How to Do No Contact by Melanie Tonia Evans
© 2011+June Copyrighted Content by Melanie Tonia Evans. All rights reserved. Cover design and layout by Janara Jornor Photographs by Istock Photo No part of this ebook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without express permission in writing from the author, except where brief passages are quoted for the purposes of review. 1st Edition Published 2011 by Melanie Tonia Evans Australia Website: www.melanietoniaevans.com ISBN 987-0-98070724-9-8 First edition printed June 2011 Melanie Tonia Evans and How to do No Contact are registered trademarks of Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd Australia.
Melanie Tonia Evans is neither a qualified psychologist nor a qualified counsellor and offers her insights and advice for guidance only.
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@Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012
Table of contents
Introduction ................................................................................................................................ 3 PART ONE: WHY YOU NEED TO DO NO CONTACT ...................................................................... 7 How the narcissist functions ....................................................................................................... 7 Conscience versus conscienceless ............................................................................................ 10 Attempting to right the wrongs ................................................................................................ 19 What are the basic requirements of a healthy relationship..................................................... 26 Your version of thinking versus the narcissists version of thinking .......................................... 28 What you are to the narcissist and what you need to be to yourself ...................................... 35 PART TWO: HOW TO DO NO CONTACT .................................................................................... 38 The narcissist’s reaction to No Contact .................................................................................... 42 In Conclusion ............................................................................................................................. 47 How to Recover......................................................................................................................... 49
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@Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012
Please note if are a member of New Life Newsletter, and received both your eBooks with your subscription – please read your eBook Narcissistic Abuse – The Truth before beginning this one.
Although this publication has been written in reference to love partners, the principles still apply for all significant narcissistic individuals in your life.
One of the most vital elements regarding recovery from narcissistic abuse is NO CONTACT, (referred to as ‘NC’ on many abuse forums), or in the case of shared custody of children – is called Modified Contact whereby appropriate boundaries, or the implementation of third parties for communication are established.
Please note this eBook is not just specific information for individuals who are already out of their narcissistic relationship, or know they need to get out and stay out. If you are still in the relationship please know I understand your reasons for remaining there. There may be many reasons why it’s really hard to leave – and you may still be holding hope for the relationship.
If you are still in the relationship I know this information may be very hard hitting for you, and may even seem incredibly distasteful, because No Contact may be the last thing that you want to do. If, at this point, you are still in the relationship and trying to save your union this information is still very helpful – therefore I urge you to have an open mind when reading it.
The truth is this eBook will help you identify how bad the abuse really is (if applicable) and it will help you clarify if there is any hope for your relationship. Throughout this eBook you will gain greater insight into whether or not the individual you are dealing with has classic NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), or has narcissistic traits to a lesser degree – whereby there may be a chance of empowering yourself, creating strong boundaries and gaining a level of respect and decency from this person.
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@Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012
Please be very aware the dynamics that are explained in this eBook are NPD behaviours – point blank. If you have already read my articles Narcissism Understood and Narcissistic Personality Disorder- Common Traits and Expressions of Narcissists and subscribed to New Life Newsletter and accessed the free eBook Narcissistic Abuse – The Truth (if you haven’t yet read this eBook you may subscribe and do so here) and if you have ticked many or most of the boxes contained in these publications, and resonate with how you have been affected by your narcissistic relationship, then this eBook certainly is relevant to your situation – very much so, because the truth is: you are experiencing significant narcissistic abuse.
If you are still in a narcissistic relationship which you have not yet identified as NPD or not yet accepted as NPD, this will assist you to understand how narcissism plays out, and it may be a powerful reference further down the track. It will also arm you with knowledge and tools if the time does come when you simply know you have to leave the relationship.
If your partner shows enough attributes to give you hope that he/she is not NPD that is great – and there certainly may be hope. I have written an article that provides the tools and strategies to applying boundaries to gauge if your partner is capable of being accountable, stepping up and displaying the necessary levels of remorse, empathy and self disclipine in order to change his or her behaviour. Is He/She Really A Narcissist – Laying Boundaries and Accountability
If on the other hand, you really do relate to this information it’s time to be honest with yourself and face the hard facts. In this eBook, the term narcissist used throughout, directly describes NPD behaviour which is not rare, and is in fact incredibly common and widespread.
From here on I am describing No Contact with an NPD individual.
I discovered within my own recovery, and in the case of the recoveries that I co-create with other narcissistically abused victims, the BIGGEST defining ingredient in regard to being able create the space to heal, recover and move on is the implementation and the sticking to of No Contact.
In the thousands of cases with individuals I have intimately viewed, from all over the world, I’ve never seen a recovery from a NPD relationship that hasn’t operated from this model.
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@Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012
Even in the situations of ex-partners who’ve had children with narcissists. and a powerful addiction phenomenon ensues. I lived through times when I ‘d pull away and start getting myself and my life back on track. 5|How To Do No Contact . you know exactly what this feels like. before I knew it the goal posts were moved. Each time lower and lower. If you touch the poison you feel poisoned again. it’s like dealing with poison. A perverse hooking aspect occurs when an individual is narcissistically traumatised. accountable and / or validation from the narcissist. It’s well known that when dealin g with a narcissist. reduce or eliminate direct contact. and at these times I felt like some sort of safety or predictability had been secured. fair play. capabilities and intelligence of the narcissistically abused victim. when trying to re-claim yourself.This is regardless of the gender. In the case of my own life. and again I would fall. They all put up very strong boundaries. nationality. During this period I was battered. in order to keep the narcissist out of their life as much as possible. There were times when I thought I had contact with him under control. Chances are. I mean it when I say – not one case. class. shattered and virtually destroyed. the rug was pulled out from under my feet. the people who have recovered did everything in their power to negate. text exchange or the reading of an email to feel hooked again. and will keep you coming back for more as a result of you trying to receive sensibility. despite these brief moments of imagined relief. and then every time I slipped and went back into the ‘ring’ I would very soon after. plummet again.3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . However. I did the in-and-out dance with my narcissistic ex-partner for a total of 4 years. I’m certainly not alone. This means that the narcissist continually finds a way to get under your skin. if not immediately. if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse. All it would take was one phone conversation.
It can take a while. and for you to be able to create No Contact in order to focus on and create your necessary recovery. and you’re shellshocked. And within this education is the understanding of WHY a narcissist behaves the way he or she does. You directly experience the fact that the narcissist in your life is simply not interested in playing fair. and have gone through what you are. compassion and conscience. When dealing with property and custody settlements (let alone emotional ones) you need to accept the narcissist is not motivated by sensibility. and get some sort of resolution. you’re dismayed to realise there’s little possibility of creating win / win outcomes. Nothing could be further from the truth. if you’re being narcissistically abused. and I work with people on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. and WHY none of your attempts to receive safe and decent behaviour work. I know because I’ve been there.Many individuals who are connected to narcissists believe they can somehow gain the upper hand. as well as your emotional and mental state are suffering. and some sort of control and safety when dealing with the narcissist.. you need to be honest with yourself and have a firm understanding of the dynamics of narcissism. and I receive emails about this anguish and disbelief every day. reason. Please know many people are going through. 6|How To Do No Contact .. shattered and feel like you’re losing your mind.3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . you’ve been damaged. Many aspects of your life. Education is vital in order to achieve your freedom. angered and frustrated beyond belief with the narcissist’s inhumane behaviour. By the time your relationship has become toxic. can and will set you free. When dealing with a narcissist. and I listen to clients. and are therefore able to retain their boundaries and sanity. but finally the acceptance that you need to come to. and until accepting these hard facts you’ll undoubtedly feel totally anguished. As a result.
calculating. cruel. These modes are: 1) The narcissist’s primary driver is to receive narcissistic supply This equates to the narcissist receiving attention. successful and gratifying life. mission and experience with narcissism requires me to be very real about this information. My conscience. or someone’s life who you deeply care about who has experienced this level of abuse. this information could save your life. or quite frankly like a nasty five-year old that refuses to act decently. In the early days of the relationship the narcissist received plenty of acclaim and adoration from you. nasty. I’m not going to apologise for my frankness. If you are being severely narcissistically abused. demanding and abusive 7|How To Do No Contact . and you have experienced the personality cracks and insecure. pathological. This eBook is intended to smack you between the eyes about the severity of narcissistic abuse.It’s my mission in this eBook to explain to you the narcissistic phenomena in a way that makes you realise why No Contact (or Modified Contact) is the only way to have the space to heal.3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and what is really going on. Because the honeymoon period is now over. PART ONE: WHY YOU NEED TO CREATE NO CONTACT How the narcissist functions The narcissist operates from two modes when he or she is being unreasonable. and for literally saying it how it is. Good or bad it makes no difference. regain yourself and have a happy.
3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Lack of conscience is a clear and defining factor. the ‘attention’ the narcissist receives from you is him or her knowing how much he or she can affect you adversely. be confronted with the narcissistic personality and all its fully blown extremes. or only shows up sporadically. in order to receive narcissistic supply. 8|How To Do No Contact . The veneers of respect. more often. however one of the defining pathological aspects of narcissism is that the narcissist will wish to create self-significance by reducing others. the wonderful partner has not been present for quite some time. It’s very true that everyone seeks significance in their own way. The narcissistic model is: I win and you lose. and genuine support (vital components within healthy relationships) have worn thin. and being accountable) simply don’t comprehend hurting others as wrong or unthinkable – it’s a means to an end. and become less and less consistent. When a narcissist causes fear and distress.behaviour. You’ll. he or she feels extremely significant. it’s unlikely that you’re still supplying the narcissist with the energy of. Now. Narcissists due to a lack of healthy conscience (meaning the care and consideration for others. This grants the narcissist a sense of importance and even God-like omnipotence. Individuals with a conscience don’t cause pain in order to receive attention and significance. ‘You are SO wonderful’ by the time you have accessed this eBook. At this point. compassion. Healthy and emotionally mature individuals do not create significance at the expense of other people.
2) The narcissist needs to offload his or her internal pain Narcissists have limited or non-existent resources available in order to work through their own emotional conflicts. a bad person. at your core. rage and unworthiness onto others (the parts of themself they cannot resolve) in order to gain relief from internal torment. Just ask yourself . Healthy and emotionally mature individuals have the ability to self-reflect and take responsibility for their own emotions and actions. Projection is a strategy necessary for the narcissist to emotionally survive and retain his or her false self. This is why the narcissist will proclaim that it is your fault. and even been nasty and aggressive. but who doesn’t crack when they’re being significantly and repetitively abused? That certainly doesn’t make you. 9|How To Do No Contact . grow or evolve to a healthier ‘self’.Am I a malicious person who operates without conscience? Okay. by making it always someone else’s fault. Projection is an egoic created defence mechanism. yes you may have retaliated like a crazy person. The narcissist doesn’t and won’t. By remaining in his or her ego. The unfortunate side-effect of the narcissist’s projections is that you may be incredibly confused. which are numerous. he or she projects pain. the narcissist can defend his or her severely damaged inner self. Because the narcissist struggles to be accountable and self-reflect. Hence why they don’t heal.3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and will continually accuse you of everything that that he or she does that is unreasonable. and may have been worn down into accepting that you are in fact the problem in the relationship.
nasty and wrong would NOT be having a relationship with you.and more. you’d find it very difficult to lower yourself and literally sell your soul by performing the lies.. 10 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . It would be true to say. and it’s important to get VERY clear about this. controlling. or the upper hand. Decent people simply don’t do that. competitive. Conscience versus conscienceless It may shock you to realise that narcissists and co-dependents have many things in common. I don’t care how deranged or crazy you feel – you are being abused. a feeling of inner emptiness and trying to achieve validation of ‘self’ through outside sources. however one thing they certainly do not have in common is a lack of conscience.. manoeuvres.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Why? Because he or she was maliciously maiming you and dumping his or her tormented self on you – pure and simple. even in your most dire times of pain and grief. adulterous. lies and manipulation to gain attention. manipulative. Co-dependents feel really bad about using abuse. atrocities and immoral behaviour that the narcissist is capable of. cruelty. such as. Many of my clients have spoken to me in relation to how they could never operate like a narcissist. They’d leave! Yet the narcissist continues or continued to be with you while accusing you of these things.I can assure you – healthy people with emotional intelligence who really believed you were untrustworthy. You just simply wouldn’t do it. and would feel devastated if anyone accused them of possessing anything less than decency and integrity.
and you do possess integrity.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and you can’t fathom how ‘love’ can go like this.And if you ever have. 11 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . Is it the relationship you’re fighting for? Or maybe really it’s the need to be validated. you were totally distraught when you looked in the mirror and realised who you’d become. and never will be. You’re mortified that the narcissist believes you’re a bad person. it was always about you supplying the narcissist with narcissistic supply. you are decent and you do love him or her. and never held that as a normal human goal. You may be motivated by needing to ‘be right’ and / or needing to secure the narcissist’s love in order to reduce his or her damaging behaviour. You’ve been trying to prove to the narcissist that you are trustworthy. From the narcissist’s viewpoint and model of reality. you are severely addicted to the goal of needing to prove your worth and gaining the narcissist’s approval. never actually was. It isn’t about that or you. because the narcissist is always insisting how bad you are (the projection of his or her disowned parts on to you). trusted and loved – unfortunately by someone that never wanted to. It doesn’t really matter what has hooked you into trying because it’s a soul-destroying trip. The narcissist knows how to hook you because you have a conscience and care about what people think of you. respected. This has been an extremely fruitless task. As a result. to try to ‘one-up’ the narcissist.
The narcissist will hit porn sites. and temporarily spared from his or her own internal torture. and that their life force has been literally sucked out of them. and been turning you into another version of him or herself. The feelings that you’re feeling – the emptiness. The narcissist requires other people reflecting energy back to him or her. By confusing and diminishing you and then projecting the bad parts of him or herself on to you. is because you don’t sell your soul in order to go out and feed off and steal energy and resources from people and life in order to emotionally survive. The reason why you appear to be an empty shell and the narcissist doesn’t. in order to have any sense of ‘self’. In fact you’re much more likely to keep losing more and more pieces of yourself. goes after narcissistic supply (attention which means stealing other people’s energy).3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . You’re not doing the tactics which gain the relief. admiring acquaintances. He or she has day by day. fear.. loss of self-esteem. Narcissistically abused victims all report the feeling of having NO self left. in order to function. manic depression. piece by piece been using your insecurities and unhealed parts against you. 12 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . the narcissist has created you as the tormented person. The difference is the narcissist. are the feelings that the narcissist feels within their real core every minute of every day. helplessness and loss of faith in yourself and life. because without this the narcissist is a literal wasteland of no-self. By doing so he or she has been able to feel momentarily healthy. previous lovers etc. etc. shrivel and fall deeper and deeper into the black abyss that you’re becoming. internet dating. whereas you’re more likely to be in the coma position under your bedspread.The interesting part in all of this is – you’ve been conditioned by the narcissist to accept the assault of the narcissist’s projections.
If the narcissist was cut off from receiving narcissistic supply. 13 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . and healing and evolving through the pain and creating an authentic and empowered self is the answer. Such as going after a love relationship to pay the narcissist back. If you try to win some power back and control the narcissist. you know what I mean when I say – no-one could begin to fathom what this feels like unless they had personally experienced it. whereby you’re a raw novice shackled with a conscience. The narcissist pursues narcissistic supply without conscience. Not being a bad person is killing you in this instance. you are punching well above your weight. emotional and mental torture of being in this state is unthinkable. The quick fix of gaining egoic (narcissistic) supply is not the durable answer. therefore becoming a model of no empathy or conscience. this is exactly what he or she would feel like. and humans aren’t ‘humans’ to the narcissist. and unless you’ve experienced it personally. and this is something that the narcissist will never do.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and has no remorse about who gets used. The narcissist is a seasoned professional. He or she would experience a complete and utter breakdown. which I know you have if you’ve been narcissistically abused. and therefore the narcissist will always win when you go ‘toe to toe’ with him or her. in no way am I advocating that you become bad in order to survive. The narcissist controls people with his or her tactics. they are simply objects to extract energy from. Please know. Facing and embracing your unhealed parts and insecurities that led you into being in a narcissistic relationship. or what pathological moves he or she has to make in order to secure supply. or in order to try and stop the pain.The physical.
When you can provide narcissistic supply the narcissist still wants you. and dismantles all of your sources of energy. family. and he or she believes they own the rights to you. It’s an insult of the highest order to the narcissist for you to have a great life with or without him or her. hobbies and areas of your life that give you connection and pleasure. children (yours or the narcissist’s). The narcissist knows this is impossible for him or herself.If you try to control someone or something that is out of control. leaving you totally at the mercy of his or her control. what you bring to the table.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . The narcissist knows that by doing so. 14 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . such as friends. displeasure and even wrath of the narcissist when you were upset. The narcissist is pathologically envious. and the narcissist will cut you off from other sources that could grant you energy. the narcissist wants to know you are destroyed. the only outcome is YOU will be completely controlled by that person or thing. There is no way he or she is going to grant you the energy you require to feel strong. empowered and healthy. or when you got pleasure and energy from sources other than the narcissist. and is finished with you when there is no more to extract. you will be shackled to him or her so that supply can be ensured and extracted. and anything else he or she feels entitled to take (which is most if not all things). He or she needs to take. The narcissist is a model of self-serving entitlement. When the relationship is over. or in a state of needing support from him or her. or will still be available to hand over more supply in the future. that you find ways and people to feel genuinely good. You know the disinterest. to the point of inner rage.
but often it’s to keep you hooked as narcissistic supply. so it is much more likely for you to try to back down. cruelty. if any longterm friends. Narcissists will tend to have a lot of fleeting acquaintances that they extract narcissistic supply from. The narcissist may monetarily grant you positive energy. In fact the narcissist welcomes the angst and repercussions. but very few. No-one receives immunity in the face of this compulsion.grade narcissistic supply at its best. It’s a bit like playing ‘chicken’. or trample on other people’s emotions and resources without remorse. manipulation. Narcissists require narcissistic supply like a drug addict requires heroin. Often the ‘nice behaviour’ comes about as a result of you starting to pull away. smear campaigns and power tripping doesn’t secure attention. when the veneer inevitably wears thin. and when the wrath. Less intimate people that haven’t been successfully hooked . Close intimates are the main targets from whom the greatest amount of narcissistic supply can be extracted long-term. You will be fearful of repercussions. This is A. won’t. in order to feed this all-consuming need. They will pull away from the abuse. apologise or repair matters first. simply because an intimate will hang around in the game whilst the extraction continues to take place. and just like a highlevel junkie the narcissist will sell out individuals. All of this grants the knowing he or she has the power to affect other people in extreme ways. means the narcissist in a tirade is not concerned about the outcome. and has no desire to support and encourage your happiness and achievements. 15 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .The narcissist after the process of giving to get (securing you as narcissistic supply) has no desire. This coupled with the inability for the narcissist to think about or learn from consequences.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . The narcissist doesn’t fear the abandonment and punishment that comes from his or her bad behaviour. and no resources to genuinely give support.
The narcissist knows that he or she is empty.literally. 16 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . or chooses to suicide. or become discarded shells or die .Individuals who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder have inbuilt masochistic tendencies. in amongst all of these startling and chilling facts. Self-loathing takes the space where self-esteem.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . there is the hope and the opportunity to break away from this manic and soul-destroying dynamic in order to heal. this grants them additional power and control. or the narcissist pushes the partner away until there is no choice other than to leave the narcissist. and has no ‘self’. self-knowing and self-worth should reside. or the partner of the narcissist develops a severe illness and dies. It must be remembered. and being left alone with a horrifying tortured self with no way to gain relief. Therefore for you. and they grind these relationships into the ground towards this conclusion mercilessly. with the partner complying to every demand the narcissist makes whilst the narcissist pursues other partners outside of the relationship. I and many other people have done so. At a deep inner level they know that every significant relationship will fail. however. and will meet the same inevitable conclusion that all narcissists meet – a place which he or she has been trying to avoid. and there is a perverse and twisted relief when receiving punishment and failure. empower yourself and recover. and narcissistically abused victims who have tried to change this reality. victims of narcissistic abuse do have the inner ability to heal their unhealed parts and have a self. all become literal shells in the relationship. Having no energy left to procure narcissistic supply. I was a hair’s breadth from becoming a fatality myself. can’t create an authentic self. Narcissists unconsciously seek it out time and time again. and won’t. The ending always comes through one of four means: the narcissist retains the relationship. and don’t want to accept the relationship is doomed. The narcissist. or the narcissist creates the complete disintegration of the partner and then discards the corpse when there’s no narcissistic supply left to gain. and it is completely disconnected emotionally. By purposefully bringing about the end themselves. There’s no beating this system – it just is what it is.
yet full of pure contempt and rage. Generally this happens to the narcissist later in life.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and the carefully scripted and constructed false self has all amounted to absolutely nothing other than the wasteland of having no authentic self . devoid of any warmth. you’ll recall the times when the narcissist looked at you and acted as if he or she hates you. He or she is disgusted by individuals that try to love him or her. None of what they have is real. and will detest you for it. because he or she wasn’t able to beat the system that we all face: Without an authentic self. heartless machine. and there is no genuine love. happiness or pleasure in life. The unconscious reason playing out within the narcissist is: How repulsive and wrong it is to try and love a ‘nothing’. 17 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . they simply aren’t wired that way. or brings real feelings of fulfilment. The narcissist is merciless at these times. Therefore.It is then that the narcissist meets his or her maker – and knows firsthand that the charade or his or her life. If you have been narcissistically abused. acclaim or even fame and fortune they manage to get. You have seen the total lack of compassion that is akin to being confronted with a reptile. and in fact punish you for trying. but it does happen. You were shocked to see the narcissist’s eyes become empty and lifeless. rather than earlier. It’s here that the narcissist is demised. nothing is real. and is a cruel. an entity that doesn’t exist. This makes me despise you even more. The truth is: it is impossible for them to be genuinely fulfilled and at peace. don’t envy narcissists and think they have it all. notoriety. and that doesn’t change regardless of how much material stuff. Don’t be tempted to try to save the narcissist from him or herself and this inevitable fate with the belief Love will conquer and fix all. because another truth is: the narcissist will resist all of these attempts.
are you ready to accept that the lack of conscience and humanity that you’ve seen firsthand is because you aren’t dealing with what you know as human? The ultimate truth is narcissists aren’t human – not as we know human to be – because they do not have the capacity. loving and connected about the human race.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . The absence of these emotions is the ultimate disconnection from humanity. pathologies and actions that totally defy anything I ever believed to be human? If so. people and him or herself. admit this to be true. Please understand the emotions ‘compassion’. When realising the truth of what a narcissist is. normality and life as you understand it struggles to comprehend the facts – you can start to accept there’s no hope for the narcissist when they are displaying classic traits of NPD. If you can’t accept this as truth – ask yourself: Haven’t I experienced behaviour. This reliance on the very thing he or she detests (the human emotions of compassion. as hard as it is to accept. ‘love’ and ‘conscience’ define humanity. believing they’re pathetic) to operate with compassion. and as much as your sense of humanity. Vampires similarly were depicted as hating humans intensely because of their reliance on them. It’s no coincidence that the Vampire myth was inspired by the model of narcissism. Do some research on this fact and it will astound you. love and conscience . yet knows he or she needs to feed on humans for energy. twists. love and conscience) makes the narcissist feel vulnerable. and everything that is healthy. empathy. and no hope that you can have any real relationship with them. and further fuels his or her disgust with life. neuron brain pathways or desire (they despised normal human functions.The narcissist despises humanity. Without these components humanity isn’t present. Now. 18 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . turns. ‘empathy’.
. we can’t comprehend narcissistic operation.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . We allow the narcissist to destroy us on so many levels. 19 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . This creates incredible hooks whereby we try to right the wrongs.It is medical knowledge that the brain neuron pathways of ‘compassion’. For obvious reasons this is not going to happen. I certain agree with this theory – that the only way an NPD could connect to these emotions is to be confined for an extended amount of time without narcissistic supply. The narcissist’s behaviour does not make sense to our humanity model. ‘empathy’.. empathy. or severely arrested within a narcissistic individual’s brain. and we feel threatened.and if it could. chaotic and extremely vulnerable regarding behaviour that just doesn’t add up. develop and catch up to the necessary level of development required for them to function healthily. Everything we believed to be true about people. ourselves and life is under siege. love and conscience repeatedly until these pathways re-activate. especially emotionally. We may scream out to ourselves and anyone who’ll listen. how long would it take? Attempting to right the wrongs When we’re viewing life through the model of humanity. and be saturated with the stimulus of compassion. “How can she / he do that?!” “I don’t understand!” “That’s terrible behaviour!” as well as many other emotionally charged statements. shrivelled up. and feelings of gut-wrenching disbelief. These emotions simply don’t operate. ‘love’ and ‘conscience’ are numbed out. We fight fruitlessly to make the narcissist get it and stop the behaviour that we are accepting by staying or trying to hang on.
rejection and despair. because he or she knows that this will keep attracting you into the battle. You experience cruel. The more aggrieved and incensed you become. How do you know when you’re being targeted and used for narcissistic supply? You receive untruths that torment you. None of your needs are taken into account. values and standards of human behaviour that the narcissist simply does not acknowledge or apply. You’re given false promises that set you up for hope. You feel like you in a competitive ‘me versus you’ relationship whereby you are made out to be the enemy. You have discussions that are so twisted it feels like you’re losing your mind.This suits the narcissist perfectly. and by trying to fix and change the behaviour. or are simply played upon in order to deceive you into handing over more self and more resources. You’re blamed for all of the problems. You continually feel like you are justifying yourself and explaining facts. accountability and decency. uncaring and dismissive treatment that has no consideration for your emotional state.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . the more narcissistic supply you hand over. rather than trying to achieve healthy win / win outcomes. 20 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . You realise that the narcissist wants it all his or her way. the narcissist can line you up in order to receive more narcissistic supply. and the more you try to fight for justice. yet lead to profound disappointment which tears you down into further feelings of abandonment.
or was discovered by him or her about you. It allows the narcissist to feel oh so important. you feel it’s hollow. All of these behaviours. The narcissist will denounce you to other people and even tear down your credibility with other people in your presence. you’re met with major resistance. and does create. The narcissist will regularly accuse you of caring more. and giving more attention to other people and interests than him or her. (real or imagined) in order to gas-light you and diminish your faith in yourself and life. Whilst doing so.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . will be used as a weapon against you. to try harder and harder to receive understanding. all lead to MAJOR losses to your self-esteem. Information that you have disclosed to the narcissist. The soul-destroying list goes on and on. and your insecurities and fears by the narcissist. the higher they get and the harder you crash. safety and decency. 21 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . You receive insane Jekyll / Hyde behaviour which can switch from loving to condemning and from dismissive to needy in a heartbeat. You’ve been conditioned and programmed. diversion or rage. as well as the many others in the narcissist’s arsenal. a total disintegration of self. and the more hoops you try to jump through. The narcissist will regularly bring up allies to back his or her story. and if you try to gain some sense of stability around it. can only create. as a result of your unhealed parts. as he or she watches you try to perform this impossible feat. Staying attached and receiving and allowing the punishment and mining of energy. Even if there is an apology or a show of accountability. you provide the narcissist with malicious inner delight.
open your eyes and accept that it does. Evil quite simply is a dark place that is the absence of Love. If you don’t believe evil exists. we no longer have unwanted and painful energy in our life. In fact it’s impossible to do so. You know the difference.Evil is absolutely at play here. Just as there is hot and cold. You can’t force someone to be what they simply do not have the resources to be. and place our energy on what does serve us instead. it’s time to get real. 22 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . change or eliminate down or cold in order to be up and warm. Whenever we struggle with and place our focus on anything in our life we become it.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . you would be much more likely to choose Vanuatu rather than war-torn Beirut. Just as we have no need to fix.love. We take on its energy and make it all about us. evil is in opposition to Love. and healthy is NOT narcissism. night and day and all polar opposites that exist in physics in order to hold the balance of life together. You are looking for these things where they don’t exist. or up if we didn’t know down. The narcissistic model is exactly that – the absence of Love. we could never know what Love is if we did not know what the absence of Love is. If you were to choose a holiday destination. when Vanuatu is a choice you could make for yourself. up and down. Just as we could never know hot if we didn’t know cold. Whenever we ignore energy that’s not good for us. change or eliminate evil. there’s is no need to fix. Accept this . and it does exist. but you have no need to go to Beirut and try to make it Vanuatu. safety.
roll over and lick you while you scratch its belly? Have you ever heard the tale regarding a crocodile who convinced a forest animal he would carry him over the river and deliver him safely to the other side? Half way across the crocodile threw the forest animal up into his mouth and prepared to eat him. Win / win to them is unthinkable and does not compute. The narcissist does not want to give and receive love. safety and happiness. then there’s no chance you’re going to be able to fix them.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Get very clear on this: The narcissist is not interested in what you want in life. “Yes. rather than trying to survive and dodge bullets in Beirut. warmth and pina colodas of Vanuatu. force them or change them into being a decent person. and create a life of togetherness. but I AM a crocodile”. Rest assured it certainly doesn’t.Do you believe that you can make a crocodile play fetch. If you’re dealing with an individual who refuses to play fair. You may feel that the success of your whole life hangs on this outcome. You’re only option to get what you want is to let go and start making choices and decisions that align you with flying to the peace. taking your needs into consideration and playing by the rules in order to reach a healthy conclusion. 23 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . it’s the narcissistic supply. The forest animal squealed “You promised!” The crocodile said matter-of-factly just before his first bite. Shamelessly the narcissist is totally disinterested in coming into accountability. The narcissist can’t comprehend winning without someone else losing. The narcissist wants to steal your energy and diminish you in order to feel better about him or herself – and knows no other way to operate. It isn’t the healthy conclusion that he or she wishes for.
Just like any severe addiction. you can watch my video series here. In fact it’s a devastating way. and it truly is a life threatening deal for you – with no ‘happily ever after’. and you are getting nothing except the constant battering that ensures that you will hand over more and more supply. because he or she can’t manufacture his or her own. This means you will be emptied out all the way to your demise. although disadvantageous. regardless of how much damage we’re sustaining. The narcissist needs your anguish and pain. Severe co-dependency and relationship addiction to a narcissist is incredibly serious.It’s not a great way for you to live. That’s right. You and the narcissist are now the supplier and the users for each other in this toxic. This series grants a lot of insight into how you can break the addiction cycle and start moving forward in your life. is getting fed constantly by you. regardless of the fact that it’s not happening. we have many excuses as to why we don’t want to let go. and the addiction – like all serious addictions is life threatening. are dire and can be fatal. A relationship of two co-dependents. 24 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . is better than this. The narcissist’s bottomless pit of needing your energy. The results. To understand more about the addiction that you have to the narcissist. until the addiction is healed and overcome. The addiction to the narcissist is a horrific part of the abuse (because we continue to allow ourselves to be abused). The drug is neediness. destructive cycle of dependency. just as you are addicted to needing him or her to supply you with safety and decency.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . At least there are two needy people receiving energy. we can’t let go.
and I know he / she is capable of being the person I want to be in love with. simply in order to get. The narcissistic was pretending to genuinely give. and twists and turns that completely obliterate the previously feigned consideration. and ‘You are the only person I’ve ever truly love’. Can you understand how futile it is to try to make an unmakeable deal work? Being in narcissistic relationships feels like being a greyhound chasing a rabbit that we never catch. and we get more and more exhausted trying to catch it. they aren’t real and they’re not genuinely felt by him or her. 25 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . followed by destructive words and actions. They all have the agenda of securing narcissistic supply behind them. How on earth can that be real love? The truth is it isn’t.Don’t be fooled by thinking I have seen him / her be loving. Real people follow through and demonstrate what they say. Or I know that this person WAS loving and kind. Be brutally honest with yourself. Narcissists know the actions that will attract you and make you fall in love with them. broken promises. and therefore I know they DO have the resources. and ‘I’ll do anything to make this work’ (or any other version of undying love or commitment) carry very little weight when actions repeatedly surface that express the exact opposite.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Real actions are a far cry from the declarations of false love that is delivered by a narcissist. but they are feigned. Real substance requires aligned actions and consistency. the rest of what‘s going in is destroying you piece by piece. The words ‘I love and adore you’. Regardless of the little bits of hope that you received intermittently. because the truth will always set you free.
if you work on your unhealed parts and heal. safety. support and integrity. What we are here to learn in this instance is to become real and embrace: The reality of our life can never be gained from another person. and we have no ability. So stop trying to change what isn’t into what is. and the results speak for themselves. That’s no real rabbit! The relationship we wanted with the narcissist never was what we thought it was. and then you can attract. to awaken the knowing within you. so you can heal. Luckily the odds are great for you in creating a life-partner who is emotionally mature and responsible. because it’s our responsibility. because out of all of the decent people on this planet. you will easily let go of. allow and maintain healthy people in your space.Just like the greyhound. That is the liberation. as a human being that you DO deserve decent behaviour. Then if you do that. and decency is a basic requirement which many people on the planet ARE capable of providing. Clearly narcissists aren’t. What are the basic requirements of a healthy relationship? I have included the following points in this eBook for a very good reason. you only want one person as a love partner. This is exactly the process I put myself and others through. and quite frankly no right to try to force it into becoming real. you will find out that people who are not a match for love. we’re running after something that doesn’t exist. and start creating ‘what is’ within yourself. 26 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and move on.
Take responsibility for their actions and behaviour. Have no requirement to seek and carry out revenge in order to feel better. People who are healthy and do have Emotional Intelligence: Tell the truth. Try to achieve fair and equitable outcomes. Easier said than done. Have consideration for the other person’s emotional and practical needs and will attempt to support these needs.These processes do deliver a fulfilling and joyous life. Have enough respect and care about the other person to not purposefully maim them. When assessing how emotionally mature individuals operate. Have the capacity to be genuinely accountable. Will apologise full-heartedly when they overstep the mark. 27 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . and then your life will start going right. you say – but I can assure you that when you get clear and know ‘how’ and ‘why’ you need to live life by a model of honouring and healing yourself. we can accept that anyone when hurt in the midst of relationship breakups and problems can act in non-appropriate ways – yet certain underlying principles are foundational within an emotionally healthy individual’s integrity. its gets easier to do – because you will align with what you really do want to receive in love. and will seek to return to mature discussions even after problems.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Will attempt to discuss matters in rational terms.
Your version of thinking versus the narcissistic version of thinking Note: If the narcissist is a female please substitute ‘him’ for ‘her’. Have the ability to ask for what they need honestly. loving. healthily and directly. Want a satisfying. An individual either operates from a model of decency or they don’t. NARC THINKING: This one really gets you going. I love seeing how upset you are about this. The narcissist says you’re unsupportive. and by blaming you I can keep doing what I do. safe and healthy relationship. Why can’t he get it?! NARC THINKING: I know you’re going to try harder and harder for me to get it.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . 28 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . And even if you don’t trust me you’re going to be too busy worrying about what I think about you. It also gives me an opportunity to do what I want. don’t love him and you don’t care about him. you are the only person I want to be with. If you have any doubt about whether or not you’re dealing with a narcissist look at these two last bulleted lists carefully and honestly. I’m so upset you think otherwise. It’s me who doesn’t have the ability to love. They really are like chalk and cheese. I have too much integrity to play up. Now I can continue treating you badly and you’re going to hang around. YOUR THINKING: I do and I will try anything to get him to realise this. and if they don’t narcissism is at play. because you’re going to push the point about how much you trust me and why can’t I trust you. The narcissist telling you that you’re unfaithful and can’t be trusted. Realise that there is no upside in the goal of creating and experiencing a satisfying relationship by purposefully destroying their partner. to question me. YOUR THINKING: I have no intention of playing up.
but now because of something you’ve done you’ve ruined that chance. I want you to think it’s your fault. The false promises and the feigning of how the narcissist was just about to do the very thing that you wanted from him. How on earth can you twist this around and accuse ME?! NARC THINKING: I love it when I make it all your fault and accuse you and you get hurt. It’s you who has taken my resources and my life. or whether or not it’s right or wrong.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . In fact I’d argue about a fly going up the wall if I knew it pushed your buttons and got a reaction.The narcissist telling you that you’re ripping him off and taking his money. YOUR THINKING: I am totally shattered by this accusation. The more hurt. This hurts so much and I am so devastated that he’s making it my fault. frustrated and distraught you get the more it makes me feel powerful and important. YOUR THINKING: This crushes me. I feel suicidal. In fact I get malicious delight watching you turn yourself inside out every time I move the goal posts and confuse you. This is sending me crazy that he can argue about something so ridiculous and turn it into an issue that feels like I’m arguing with a five year old. It’s so cruel and unfair. 29 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . I just want what I can get. it’s my right to do so. YOUR THINKING: I know this particular point to be wrong. In fact I hate seeing you happy because it reminds me of how I can’t be. He’s punishing me again. I’m going to keep arguing this until he gets it and admits he’s wrong. I only told you I would give you that to hook you back in. and the evidence is so logical that it isn’t right. and I know that you’re going to hang around now and I can keep tormenting you with the promise of what I’m never going to give you. I’m only here to take. You deserve it and I’m going to get as much out of this as possible. NARC THINKING: This one really is so much fun. I don’t care what happens to you. I never had any intention of granting you what you want. the details. Any argument with the narcissist over details that don’t make sense and he brings up and argues points which are ridiculous and painful to hear. I was so close and now he’s taken it away again. NARC THINKING: I couldn’t care less about the specifics. I don’t want to give.
The point to this is: when narcissists come forward in narcissistic injury there is the ability to gain incredible knowledge about how the narcissist views the world. This may take hours or days but rarely any longer.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . what they perceive as normal and acceptable (their lens of life). Something in their life has been so devastating. Until I again accepted: Of course they think and operate like that! They’re narcissists! Unfortunately very little is really understood (and needs to be) in relation to how the narcissist thinks when extracting narcissistic supply via other people’s pain . go straight for narcissistic supply again and the window closes over. I’ve had discussions with narcissists about their operations. 30 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . how they think and the way they operate. Unfortunately the NPD’s (unlike people who do have inner resources) as soon as they recover some energy. their false self temporarily crumbles and there is a tiny window of opportunity of honesty and openness without defences because their true self has emerged. Being authentic and real. and truly I have wanted to vomit and have felt totally poisoned for hours afterwards. I occasionally have narcissistic individuals come forward for healing when they are at rock bottom as a result of severe narcissistic injury. The details were so vile that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.I know you may think this information is outrageous and how could anyone really think and operate like that. Narcissists do not remain in a genuine or humble space where any self-healing and growth can take place. and working on self-recovery is discarded accordingly – hence why therapists are discredited and left. or how anyone could have such a twisted perception on life.
belief in entitlement with no consideration or concept of compassion. if you’re continuing to con tact and hook up with a narcissist. lover. no matter how much you don’t like it. were disclosed that completely confirmed the narcissistic model and operations. and sucking resources and people dry in order to achieve their drug of omnipotence. and the twisted view on life that is like a selfish. A male narcissist whose ex-partner had committed suicide felt incredibly special whenever he thought about her demise. The consistent theme is the lack of conscience. These people view everyone else as objects from which to extract narcissistic supply.Some of the narcissists admitted that it was an enormous compliment when ex-partners were broken. Regardless of whether the narcissist is your mother. brother. Scarily. husband. they believe they are entitled to behave that way. and are dangerous chameleons charming and lying their way through life. You are prey to him or her. sister. friend. 31 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . Therefore the truth is. you’re providing a wonderful source of narcissistic supply. wife or partner.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . boss. father. and are suffering greatly as a result. and that there’s nothing wrong with that. In their model of the world – the insatiable need for narcissistic supply in order to avoid complete emotional self-implosion and annihilation – the behaviour is essential. which are too numerous to mention. institutionalised or contemplated committing suicide. spoilt five-year old in a vindictive adult body. Many other facts. it makes not one scrap of difference.
Maybe you are having the same experience.The narcissist can’t act decently and show love and care simply because he or she is meant to. I discovered that other narcissistic abuse victims I talked to were speaking about my life. This doesn’t make you unlovable and unworthy. I can’t tell you how many people read my material and then tell me ‘You are describing my life word for word’. but I think you get the point. I’ve asked them for the topic of angst. The frightful thing is that they all go the same way. and they are what they are. The truth is narcissistically abused people all go through the same inhumane experiences. and been able to identically describe what the narcissist said and did. When some clients struggle to realise the narcissistic formula. 32 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . they are caught up in the trap of typical narcissistic abuse – where the narcissist can create projection and suck them dry for narcissistic supply. and all have the same effect on victims. This proves this is not just some weird. feelings and reactions to what the narcissist did.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . I’ve experienced these digressions personally and hear about the same ones over and over. talking to other people and doing a great deal of research. you most certainly are lovable and worthy. When I was in recovery. and when you break away and you do the work on your recovery. random and terrible thing happening in the relationship – rather. and the conversations they had with narcissists were identical to the ones I engaged in with my narcissistic ex-partner. and you will start demonstrating that. I really could write down probably 100 more scenarios that come from the narcissist’s bag of tricks. Narcissists do what they do because they’re narcissists – it just is what it is. and attracting the reflection of that into your life when you stop trying to tame the monster that is continually ripping pieces out of you. and then describe their exact response.
other than to see it for what it is and get away from the abuse. I did this myself. there is no way to resolve it and get better. with no genuine sense of humanity.This helps facilitate the acceptance that the person you are dealing with is – point blank – narcissistic. This is why if you’re suffering events that have lead you to information regarding narcissism. I really don’t care how much contemporary psychology states this person has not been diagnosed. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard narcissistically abused individuals discuss in great detail the he said/she said details of the arguments. and I don’t care that labels such as bipolar. This spreads confusion and destruction personally and collectively. I don’t care that psychology authorities are trying to de-list the clinical diagnosis of narcissism. regardless of their label. acts in incredibly unconscious and destructive ways. and it all manifests as the same behaviour. I don’t care that you may be hanging on to the hope that the wonderful partner could come back. and Asperger and histrionic are used to describe narcissistic behaviour. The fact of the matter is: these behaviours are very stock standard. and therefore you can’t be sure. You need to realise that the details are totally insignificant. A ‘no-person’ operating from a false self. 33 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . locked in egoic defence mechanisms who acts without conscience and displays self-entitled behaviour. IF this is going on in your life. and apply to any individual. I urge you to accept the same conclusion if you’re being narcissistically abused – because it’s essential for your liberation. and the points and behaviours resonate with you – you’re definitely dealing with a narcissist.
The narcissist chose you because he or she wanted to steal your energy and your good feelings. Dangerously the narcissist is riddled with rage. If you are in close proximity. That is it in a nut shell. You are not dealing with a human model. Ironically the narcissist was attracted to you for the very things that he or she hates.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . you’re dealing with a narcissist whose reality is a universe away from yours. You actually have no way of knowing whether or not the details of the narcissist’s words or actions have any credibility or even any meaning. This is one of the main reasons why you were recruited. the narcissist’s torturous feelings mean that the narcissist has to take you down to try to get emotional relief. Literally it will be anything delivered in the moment without conscience in order to gain attention. Again: The narcissist does what he or she does because he or she is a narcissist. your ‘good stuff’ does not make the narcissist happy.The narcissist will do and say anything to push your buttons to get narcissistic supply. Your ‘humanness’ is going over and over the crazy details in your head. Humans have what he or she never can. But like everything else. The narcissist is the ultimate victim who positions him or herself against the world. The narcissist despises his or her own neediness for the energy from people who are a constant reminder of the narcissist’s inadequacies. Nothing makes the narcissist genuinely happy – it’s a bottomless pit. 34 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . pathological envy and deep undercurrents of revenge on humanity. and the narcissist can’t escape this selfcreated hell.
does not mean that it’s his or her job. and these understandings assist our ability to get clear and break free. The real reason you experienced a narcissist was always to give you enough pain for you to be able to get on to the necessary mission of fully taking responsibility for creating yourself.The only relief the narcissist can get is the tearing down of everything ‘good’ in order to gain some type of significance for self. and simply doesn’t possess the resources to do it. if not the rest of your life. supporting. That’s the gift. What you are to the narcissist and what you need to be to yourself We can begin to understand the emotional dependencies that lead us into unhealthy addiction with narcissists. Just because the narcissist pretended that he or she was the person who was going to give you a great life. Then we can perform the necessary work on really embracing. as a result of never 35 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . The narcissist never signed up for that job.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . loving and healing our unhealed parts to become healthy and empowered individuals who validate. and have no requirement to tolerate and fix damaging others in order to try to have a fulfilling life. and it’s a make or break deal. We can begin to realise that this responsibility to ourself is ours and not the narcissist’s. The narcissist was never going to miraculously morph into the person that you want him or her to be for your life to be great. Certainly there is no possibility of forcing him or her to do that job. You’re either going to hang out in the contemporary model of narcissistically abused people – shattered and battered for a great deal of. know and trust ourselves.
you will never accept anything less than what you are being to yourself. inner soul knowing level. authenticity. No matter how bad it feels now. it is from a deep. loss and despair of what the narcissist did to you – and fearfully try to get a great life going from that space. 36 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .without fear and pain. you DO have the ability to create this journey of self. and then you can attract the life and love into your experience that matches the truth you want to live . and you easily let them go.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . If you become a full and healthy source to yourself of happiness.being able to let go of the pain. or. It’s from that level we create our truth. fully take responsibility for your own journey. You’ll easily be able to say “No!” and keep walking and only welcome and sustain those people and situations that do match your energy. When you are clear and walking truth and feel inwardly authentic about it – healthy people and situations start coming into your life much more easily. Many people have done it. you’re going to let go. truth and fulfilment. Because ‘less than that’ is no longer your reality. And that reality is not just from a conceptual level. and create a self that is empowered. And you more easily identify the counterfeit articles. more empowered than you ever were even before you met the narcissist. heal your unhealed parts.
confuse and attack you mercilessly for trying to do it. He or she is a no-self willing to use all and any resources without conscience to achieve a self-entitled agenda. There are no parameters. and try to get him or her to understand what’s really going on. These are co-dependent actions that you need to avoid at all costs. demented. I have no control over my own life to feel right’ is the very root of the self-disintegrating effects of co-dependency and relationship addiction we can play out with narcissists. 37 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . you’re only attempting prescribing. as many of us do or did. The narcissist will not tolerate having his or her mask taken down and having his or her ego challenged. The more we try to control the uncontrollable (which is highly amplified with narcissistic individuals) the more we lose control of ourselves. lecturing. The individuals who hang on and fight the hardest to try to reach resolution with the narcissist are usually highly intelligent and capable people. honestly and with respect for others! This tendency to try to force other people to be a certain way in order for us to be healthy and safe. and will only create more self-damage. and become the empty. They just don’t work – all they do will line you up for more narcissistic abuse.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . He or she would rather lose his or her physical life than be accountable to the truth.We proclaim that of course people should behave decently. they are the people who get damaged the most. this exclamation of ‘Whilst you are wrong. fixing or the forcing of the narcissist into some sort of accountability. It’s a ‘free for all’ war zone with no peace. project. If you go down this track. or possibility of healthy outcomes. It can be very tempting when discovering information about narcissism to try to discuss it with the narcissist. Ironically despite these people’s resources and intelligence. There is no way to corner a narcissist and work within parameters. and will twist and turn. There is no way to create and contain results within these limitless boundaries. These attempts are futile. lifeless shells that narcissistic abuse creates.
Don’t ever believe you’re going to gain the upper hand as a result of the narcissist knowing you know the truth about him or her. and no-one who knows how to fight as dirty. Quite frankly the narcissist doesn’t care about what you think. people who are weak stop trying to survive and win. They don’t like ‘losing’ and back themselves time and time again. My greatest strength (not accepting defeat) became my greatest barrier to moving into acceptance. I was one of these people. and you may be one of them. as long as you’re still handing over narcissistic supply. I can assure you. if you have been tolerating narcissistic abuse it’s not because you’re unintelligent. and the narcissist in this forum will always come out on top. The very opposite is more likely to be true – you are highly intelligent and strong and don’t want to lose this fight and you don’t want to lose what you have put in. There is no human being who has a larger ego (false self) than a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse in Western (free) societies usually happens to people who do have powerful resources to create their own survival.These people.. have no survival options or are weak. letting go and creating my own truth and freedom. 38 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . the battle with the narcissist is a battle of egos – a tussle of who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and leave much earlier. Fundamentally. Narcissists like to help themselves to the goodies. Additionally. have always believed they can rise and succeed in any area of their life. I see this happen all the time.. and you don’t want to admit defeat.
it’s actually a sign of strength. the narcissist is getting exactly what he or she wants. Every time you have contact with a narcissist.The details of how the supply comes about are irrelevant. It’s another nasty trick that ensures gaining narcissistic supply. You’re a sitting duck. and the only way to WIN. suffer immensely and then have to say something. especially if they have been able to previously inflict high-level damage. and will lead you to your real inner development of yourself. leaving your reeling. The narcissist knows all of your frailties. all of your blind-spots and will mercilessly use this knowledge to get narcissistic supply. If you grant attention and energy and hang around for the vile projections of abuse (regardless of why). and discard you in a heartbeat. all of your insecurities. There is no greater defeat to the narcissist than you moving on. PART TWO: HOW TO DO NO CONTACT No contact means No Contact.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . because he or she knows you’ll obsess about it. It is the only answer. you are incredibly susceptible. Then you’re straight back in the web again. the narcissist can shift from rage to indifference. and him or her becoming irrelevant in your life. Even if you feel that you’re getting justice by looking out for yourself and being strong with the narcissist. 39 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . Now it’s time to realise that it’s not weak to admit defeat and walk away.
No Contact means you avoid everything that is connected with the narcissist. It’s about learning to care for and love yourself. The narcissist is an expert at setting up every encounter so that you lose when playing the game. phone calls or your front door. and that you don’t speak to people who are connected with the narcissist.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . as it was for me initially.How many ways can I say it to you? You’re never going to win the battle of trying to make the narcissist be someone or do something that is going to make you feel better. You don’t. respecting yourself. that you don’t look into what the narcissist is or isn’t doing. a source of narcissistic supply. Caring for yourself. No Contact often means placing an intervention order on the narcissistic. and you feel immense anguish and torment as a result – then that is ABUSE! If you explain yourself calmly and without emotion to your Court House you will be able to have an intervention order served – period! It is your civil human right to be able to live a life of peace without harassment. 40 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . and loving yourself is WHY you need to do No Contact. you need to realise and firmly embrace that this is not about trying to get the narcissist to care for you and love you. you’re an object to him or her. Do not believe for a moment that you need to prove physical violence or actual physical threat in order to get an Intervention Order. If you have told someone to not contact you and they continue to. in order to get him or her out of your life. Human resolution with a soulless person is impossible. emails. No Contact means that you don’t check up on Facebook. No Contact means that you don’t answer text messages. If this is too heartless to comprehend.
Don’t reply. No Contact means – NO ENERGY in any shape or form is given to the narcissist. keep them short and to the point. as obviously your children are a part of your susceptibilities and the narcissist will use the kids to get to you without any remorse about how it may affect them. It isn’t healthy for you or the children.When you mean it. as little contact as possible is what’s required. In the case of Modified Contact where you have children with the narcissist. and you don’t get tempted to try to do family time together.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Children are much healthier with narcissists if you remove yourself when he or she has time with them. If you do need to have conversations with the narcissist. 41 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . This means not biting on the hooks he or she throws down in front of you. If you are really concerned about the narcissist abusing your children. It means creating powerful boundaries around where you live. no need to get the upper hand. and show no emotion. The narcissist is not allowed to come into your home and invade your life or continue to practice entitlement. and can prove this is a real threat. hang up or leave. If the narcissist tries to bait you. And this may mean that you change phone numbers and email accounts and you use any app that you need to in order to block the narcissist getting in contact with you. Ensure that he or she sees the children alone. take yourself out of the conversation. and use intervention from the law if necessary to provide it. and allow only supervised visitation rights (if appropriate). then through legal means you can deny the narcissist access. and you DON’T accept their abusive energy anymore. Keep your tone one dimensional. you’ve stated to yourself. life and the narcissist – NO MORE! No Contact means no reactions. Answer in mono-syllables and offer nothing more than the bare basics in any dealings or conversations. and no need to change him or her.
This is the most powerful and durable way that you can start achieving real results. you are absolutely entitled to get an intervention order with conditions that eliminates specific contact from the narcissist which can be enforced. The narcissist’s reaction to No Contact It’s likely that the narcissist is going to react to No Contact and that’s why intervention orders are a wonderful device to create boundaries with the narcissist and with yourself. and that people aren’t over them. and it’s only in rare cases that an intervention order won’t work. Virtually all narcissists are sociopaths. Narcissists are greedy. They are bullies who are scared of organisations that are more powerful than their false self illusion. Most narcissists back off when an intervention order is put in place. they like to have a trail of people from their past that they can keep extracting supply from. and usually don’t leave you alone unless one is executed. and not psychopaths. rather than speaking to him or her directly. and put the book in your child’s bag to give to the narcissist.You may consider using a conversation book whereby you write down emotionless instructions regarding the children’s well-being. If joint parenting. You will find that the more you work on healing your inner parts. It’s very pleasing to a narcissist that they can still affect people. You may wish to set up that all communication is done via third parties. Don’t be another on-going victim to add to the list. custody and settlement battles that things will start dropping into place for you. and you will discover how quickly the narcissist loses his or her power or ability to affect you. 42 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . Ex-partners make great sources of narcissistic supply.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and shifting out of the fear and pain connected with your children.
you will not hear from him or her again. the motivation to try for contact will be strong. months and even years down the track to contact you. If you break the intervention order there can be dire consequences. and you mean it. Narcissists have admitted to me that when they are low on supply they will contact anyone who may hand it out. You can be sure this is done at a time when sources of narcissistic supply have dried up. healthy people don’t do this – and wouldn’t want to risk appearing desperate or needy. 43 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . Leaving yourself open to these messages that could continue for a long time is dangerous. generally after the police contact the narcissist. You may still be struggling with the pain and the ‘what if’s’. Normal. weeks.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . you leave a precarious gap open whereby the narcissist will keep trying to extract narcissistic supply from you. texting or dropping in on your ex-narcissist.If a narcissist does breach an intervention order and you report it immediately to the police. If you don’t create strong boundaries enforcing No Contact. it’s all about getting the much needed drug of attention. Again. The intervention order may help you stay away too. and not give in to the extreme addictive pulls you’re feeling towards the narcissist. or are precariously low in his or her life. and will certainly use your actions as ammunition against you in the future (haven’t you already experienced this many times ?) Also it can be more difficult to be taken seriously and put an intervention order in place next time. Having an intervention order in place will make you think twice before reacting in the moment and calling. The narcissist as a form of punishment may report you. the narcissist really doesn’t care what his or her targets of supply think. You may be having a weak moment. If he or she feels that there’s any chance of doing so. Ex-partners are most definitely on the hit-list. It’s incredible how a narcissist who is not gleaning a response will continue days.
and this is certainly not useful in the goal of establishing yourself and moving on with your life. Every time your phone goes off you’ll be wondering if it’s the narcissist. until you get on to your healing. and get your head ticking. When disconnecting from the narcissist. For me it felt like shards of ice coursing through my veins. Until you’ve recovered and empowered yourself by working on your unhealed parts it will affect you. as well as suffering from the addiction withdrawal symptoms of pulling away. and you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think it will. and your emotions by association with the narcissist are easily thrown into a spin. you will be suffering from Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorder. Tactics such as cryptic messages. The narcissist is likely to make contact in a way that he or she knows will crawl under your skin. When receiving messages from the narcissist out of the blue. with things like “How are you? I’m wondering how you are getting on” or any other sane approach. The knowing that a message could come through at any time is tortuous. and as a result of the abuse you endured. You’ll experience feelings of anxiety. you will be terrorised by possible contact. it can feel like a bomb has gone off. Narcissists are high-level abusers.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . It’s likely that you’ll be checking constantly and almost obsessively. messages that feign undying love.The narcissist generally does not make contact like a normal healthy person would. or stating fabricated situations that prey on your vulnerabilities (blind spots) will be used to try and re-establish contact. 44 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . derogatory accusations. and some sort of promise. until you’ve undergone recovery of self processes.
the narcissist is not going to easily accept his or her loss of narcissistic supply. and continue to not contact. Maybe you have already been through this repeat experience yourself. only to have to change them again in the future. it’s more likely that you’ll kick the horrible habit that is destroying you. Be very aware that simply you obsessing and agonising is energetically granting the narcissist narcissistic supply. he or she will delight in this. Your recovery process will go so much better when you cut off any of the possibilities of contact. to put the effort into healing yourself during this period of disconnection (the aftershock) of leaving a narcissistic relationship. and absolutely imperative.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 .If the narcissist knows that not contacting you is causing you extreme pain. If you don’t have strong boundaries in place. I promise you this: The narcissist can feel it. It’s really important. but often this is not the case – even when the narcissist is receiving supply from others. have a friend that you trust hold your hand. More people do this than you could imagine. If you don’t. If you make it a mission to work on and recover yourself and your life. and encourage you to go through with it. 45 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . or hand out the narcissist your new contact details. then do it. and your goal is truly to disconnect. If the narcissist currently has other high level sources granting attention it’s possible you’ll be left alone. you may be one of many that take intervention orders off (I reneged on 2 before following through and meaning it). The only way to achieve your personal success is to get your focus off the narcissist and firmly on to yourself. phone numbers etc. If this means placing an intervention order and / or changing your email address. Then you won’t be in the constant anxiety of ‘what if he / she makes contact?’ If you’re struggling to create these powerful boundaries.
In this case.which doesn’t grant you any sense of relief regarding his or her behaviour. However when therapy starts – if it’s joint. turned the corner. don’t be fooled into believing that finally he or she has got it. it is usual that the narcissist will do all he or she can to re-hook you. Nothing can be taken literally as truth. and if the narcissist sees a therapist alone. The ‘I hate you and will never speak to you again’ will fall over.. had the epiphany and can now become a healthy partner. and keeps you on the hook. The narcissist knows that acting like he or she doesn’t care about you is one of the most powerful ways to not allow you get to get closure. or may purposefully discard you and act like he or she doesn’t care. If confronted by the begging and pleading narcissist. In amongst the madness one thing is for certain: The narcissist does not keep his or her word. 46 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . The promise to change will fall over.. Or the narcissist may threaten and try to bring your life down. especially if the tactic of abandonment pushes your buttons and keeps you running back. to go to therapy. This is normal narcissistic behaviour when he or she is abandoned. beg and promise you the world. that’s the strategy that will be used. The narcissist may even offer to get help. This is common. If this means he or she has to plead. and may even start doing so. he or she will be working diligently at manipulating the therapist.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . forcing you to go back.. Therapists despise working with NPDs for this very reason. you’ll quickly discover the narcissist starts twisting the therapy sessions . All of these tactics could change shape at random intervals. The promise to give you space will fall over.
it won’t take long before the old behaviour begins again and you’re re-hooked.If you’ve already gone through these cycles. If you stay things are only going to get worse. There’s no holding on. now the relationship gets worse. Now there are more reasons for revenge. you know how false the promises and ‘I’ll do anything to save this relationship’ statements are. He or she will make sure this is not possible for you. and extreme-level abuse will ensue. If you continue to stay the losses will only be magnified. surviving or recovering. It just doesn’t happen. It’s the last thing that the narcissist wants. regardless of the losses you wish you could re-coup. The justification will be – I have to protect myself in case I get left again. let alone experiencing and creating a great life when connected to a narcissist.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . the ship is going down and you’re going down with it. The narcissist is simply doing whatever it takes to re-establish narcissistic supply. trying to siphon money and resources out of the relationship to the best of his or her ability. Dangerously. and whatever isn’t real will not stand the test of time. and I’m going to get everything I can in case this happens. the narcissist will start setting up separate bank accounts. Additionally. and will be driven to punish you mercilessly. it must crumble. as I did often and give it another try. A life with a false person is not the truth. The narcissist also makes us realise one of the greatest spiritual lessons of all. In Conclusion The overwhelming evidence and truth of narcissism is that you must get out and stay out. If you do succumb. The narcissist is furious that you left. This is true. 47 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . and that he or she had to grovel.
back our inner truth. I now help other people. and I wanted to force my version of ‘how it should be’ and ‘how he should be’ to work. and the losses that occur when we don’t heed the warning signs. who have lived this nightmare. and bring you to the understanding of what it is that you need to do. and discovered more inner peace.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . 48 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . and committed to really recover. until I discovered the truth of what was happening to me. joy and fulfilment than I had ever known I could possibly feel. Most people who exit narcissistic relationships lose out financially. As you may have understood by the snippets of my story. It’s just the way it goes. I didn’t want to lose the dream. and since that occurred there was no turning back – I recovered powerfully and quickly. regardless of the ‘stuff’ you thought you had as a result of the relationship.no bricks. I sincerely hope that this publication will help you get clear.Nothing . At that point there was nobody to be found that had the answers and the clearly defined processes that were going to help me recover. nothing in life was real. When you were with the narcissist. I made enormous mistakes that kept me chained to the abuse. mortar or financial things are worth selling our soul for. I didn’t want to lose out financially. who can then add anything to their life as a bonus. But what they do gain is the opportunity to heal and become a True Self. I found and formulated the answers myself piece by piece. and when we continue to stubbornly hang on to something that clearly isn’t healthy for us. do the same. Sometimes it takes ‘losing it all’ to realise the destruction of what living a life that isn’t real creates.
love. creation. ‘Later’ means ‘What state will I be in. when I do get out?’ You are human. heal your unhealed parts and empower yourself No Contact or Modified Contact is irrefutably necessary. and feel clear that you do have to get out. stay out and rebuild yourself. life takes us towards what is our truth – which is always glorious and a match for what we truly do want to experience. and will not provide you with any of these things. you do deserve to live. reclaiming yourself and No Contact is required sooner rather than later. If you now know that you have been dealing with NPD. The narcissist clearly isn’t what you stand for and what you want.Not tomorrow. not after Christmas.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . The decision of separation. and you do deserve to be emotionally healthy and fulfilled and in love. Living without the narcissist and healing your unhealed parts and empowering yourself means LIFE. support and happiness. The narcissist is the polar opposite of life. and not when the kids leave home. Living with the narcissist means death. How to Recover In order to grant the space to get well. Life only beats us up when we resist what we know is truth. not when the house has been paid off. the next section is relevant for you. and try to make an unmakeable deal work. You will achieve these perfectly normal human goals when you use the power of truth and acceptance to set you free. When we let go into truth and flow with it. 49 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .
energy and anguish is fixated on the narcissist. fear. the narcissist becomes less and less on your mind. In fact your addiction to the narcissist may be so extreme that you feel powerless to stop doing that. The first version is done when you are not focused on your own deep inner healing recovery – rather your focus. It is so important to understand that creating No Contact or Modified Contact is the beginning. that you will be very tempted to succumb to contact again. The second way is when you are focused deeply in your inner work and recovery – which means that as you recover and gain yourself. and the symptoms of narcissistic abuse. years or even decades down the track are still feeling pain. When we allow our self to be defined by what another person is or isn’t doing – we are powerless. or the much easier and empowered way. It is not the complete answer. and loses his or her power to affect you and your life. The ‘white knuckling’. tormented and difficult way. It is very usual that until you do start making your recovery all about yourself. 50 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . This is why people weeks. No Contact and Modified Contact creates the space to apply yourself to the real work in order to recover. within your emotions. There are two ways to experience this withdrawal. This journey is all about you committing to the healing of yourself so that you do learn how to be the true definer of yourself and your life. months.And of course initially that is going to be really tough. Once you have created this essential boundary – you will immediately be dealing with the withdrawal effects of your addiction to the narcissist. and we are usually emotionally overpowered by that person.
that transform your previous limiting beliefs at your Inner Identity level about self. and move forward into your great and true life quicker. love and others that has allowed you to get tangled up into narcissistic abuse.Your #1 Tool to get Your Recovery Started Blog article: Healing From Narcissistic Abuse by Loving Yourself and Taking Responsibility Radio Program: What is Co-dependency? Please note all of my healing philosophies and processes are applicable if the narcissistic in your life is your love-partner.To understand your unhealed parts and the bigger picture of narcissistic abuse. There are 10 specific steps that I discovered and applied to myself in order to powerfully break free. these processes and philosophies are invaluable because they have proven time and time again to work – even when nothing else has. which have proven to also be successful for thousands of other people who have applied these steps. and know you need to get out – but haven’t had the strength to do so yet. recover and completely transform my previous patterns of painful and abusive relationships. These steps are 10 deep inner healing processes. please read these blog articles and listen to these radios shows: Blog Article: Taking Personal Responsibility . In order to make your life easier. a family member or parent. or any other significant narcissistic person in your life. and how you can claim the gift to become empowered. and how you can heal by again sharing this link to the people who have worked these inner processes. I’d like to inspire you again about what you can achieve. These processes are applicable even if you are still in the relationship. 51 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . life.
3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . These solutions are practical as well as spiritual and vibrational in nature. it is best if they are applied directly to your Inner Identity belief system level.Your true healing lies in deeply changing yourself at your Inner Identity level into an empowered ‘being’ who no longer has belief systems that are painful gaps and insecurities that narcissists can prey on. which changes all of your previous struggles with co-dependency and poor boundary function and the difficulty to back and honour yourself. you also learn to become ‘at one’ with yourself and life. These steps are: Step 1: Release the immediate pain. By healing yourself at this level. torment and feelings of loss and despair Step 2: Release and heal the ‘illusion’ of the perfect partner Step 3: Forgive yourself and Life for what you’ve been through Step 4: Release and heal the pain of the injustice and the betrayal Step 5: Let go of the fight to ‘win’ and create decency 52 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . This means that every area of your life improves in ways that you only previously dreamed possible. In order for these steps to have maximum effect. They get to the core of your being in a ‘language’ that goes much deeper than what your logical mind can achieve. not only do you emerge as completely disconnected and indifferent to narcissists.
freedom and truth By working on these steps at your Inner Identity level.Step 6: Release and heal the need to take responsibility for and trying to fix the abuser / narcissist Step 7: Connect to the gift of your own personal and spiritual empowerment Step 8: Release and heal the fear of the narcissist. Then you are free to create a life where narcissists and narcissistic abuse is no longer your reality.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . When you heal these wounds within you – you will break free from the narcissist and rise to a level of indifference. to be susceptible to narcissistic abuse. you can listen to this radio show. Make sure you have approximately 90 minutes of free time where you can really get the benefit from this healing. which is the powerful process of the 10 deep healing steps in The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. and where the narcissist has no power over you. life and love. To sample the Quanta Freedom Healing method. and what he or she may do next Session 9: Release and heal the connection to the narcissist (he / she is a part of me I can’t let go of) Step 10: Become my liberation. Radio Program: Create Your Goals. Dreams and Your Identity 53 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . you will heal and release your unhealed parts that have been programmed and conditioned via previous painful beliefs about yourself.
and the more you do to love. There is a huge difference between simply ‘going’ through an experience. Much love Melanie 54 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . and the more you do to heal your unhealed parts. It is the reprieve you need to heal and gain your True Self – and this time needs to be worked with determined and wisely. It is the difference between survivors and thrivers. and flow into creating your freedom and True Life please see the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program Please use this time of No Contact powerfully. the easier and faster this crucial and painful time will go for you. or ‘growing through’ an experience. As per this eBook I hope you understand how important No Contact is.For more information. and to activate the inner healing processes to release the pain. I hope with all my heart that you choose the later. and I look forward to working closely with you in order to co-create your True Self with you. support and grant yourself the attention that you need... And you can become a true thriver as a result of this experience.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 .
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