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Bill Cosby: Himself (1983) More at IMDbPro »
Bill Cosby: It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"
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Bill Cosby: Little Jeffrey. I remember his name, not because he said, "I'm four years old," but because Jeffrey's mother said his name all 2500 miles of the trip.
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Bill Cosby: I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
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Bill Cosby: The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. [ He makes motions of a dentist drill slipping] Bill Cosby: And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
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Bill Cosby: After rinsing in a dentist's office, you're gonna spit into this miniature toilet bowl. You have no bottom lip so you let it all fall out and say, "Thank God for gravity." Now you want to sit back, but you can't because hanging from your bottom lip is a long line and you can't get it off your bottom lip. Oh, if you want to be gross, you can grab it and throw it over there. But you try to be smooth about it. [ shakes his lower lip, which just flaps around] Bill Cosby: And there's breaking over here and there's breaking over there. You try to blow it off. Just vibrating. So you figure, maybe if you sit back, it will snap in half. So you sit back. Now you have a line from the bowl to your bottom lip. The dentist looks at it and says, "Oh, look, a rainbow!" So you have to pay him for that.
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Bill Cosby: God has a sense a humor and God said, "Let him have a girl." Plop. Came out. And I had my child there, first born at home, and it does something to you when you're a father. You're home, you know, really home. And the baby was dirty, she'd made a little poo-poo. My wife and I were so happy when the child made the poo-poo. We asked the child... [ in silly voice] Bill Cosby: "Are you the one who made the poo-poo? C'mon, you made the poo-poo. You can poopy... " [ talks in baby talk] Bill Cosby: And the baby said... [ does a happy motion] Bill Cosby: I said, "That's right, you want to make the poo-poo, you poo-poo when you want to poo-poo." [ In normal voice] Bill Cosby: And my wife and I were so happy, we showed it to each other. [ silly voice] Bill Cosby: Did you see the poo-poo? Oh, that's a beautiful poo-poo! [ normal voice] Bill Cosby: We called our parents up, "Come over and see the poo-poo!" They came over. "Oh, my God, will you look at the poo-poo!" Two months later, God put odor in the poo-poo, and it became a mess. Parents didn't want to change the child anymore. And they talked to the child... [ in scolding voice] Bill Cosby: "Will you look at what you just did?" [ He imitates the child's happy moment] Bill Cosby: "No, I didn't want to see that. You made a mess! Yucky! Icky! Messy!"
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"What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul. " [ groans again] Bill Cosby: Now you are ready to put your face in a place that was never built for your face.. then starts moaning] Bill Cosby: "Ahh. Jesus. whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I'm having. Rutabaga.. I don't think I ever had it.they tell the truth. Oh. But I've seen the boss's job. and I'll filth and foul. filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the. Oh. "Come here. It's come to this: [ Kneels beside the chair and pretends to lift the lid on the john.. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say.. filth and foul and. and I can take you out. I'll never drink again as long as I live.." Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ singing] Dad is great! Give us the chocolate cake! Share this quote Bill Cosby: When you're a father you censor yourself. Share this quote Bill Cosby: Parents aren't interested in justice .. She said." That's a lie. Get out of my face!" Share this quote Bill Cosby: Only people as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.. If You get me out of this.imdb.' Share this quote Bill Cosby: My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. my parents smile now.. I'll put a. Get your.. "Because a child is so truthful.. don't forget: you owe this to yourself. Oh. and I don't want it.. You've worked hard all week. now. because I had brain damage. they have a ball! "Havin' a li'l trouble. Share this quote 2 of 7 10/19/2011 16:29 .. I don't know where I lost it.they want QUIET! Share this quote Bill Cosby: I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. I've got five of 'em. er.Bill Cosby: Himself (1983) . foul... yeah." Share this quote Bill Cosby: You know my father's favorite game? "C'mere and pull my finger. God.com/title/tt0083652/quotes posters photo gallery External Links showtimes official sites miscellaneous photographs sound clips video clips Bill Cosby: Now you've got to go. Roy. So you come into the bathroom. that's what I love about 'em . And it don't make no difference to me. Share this quote Bill Cosby: Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?" Share this quote Bill Cosby: A person with no children says. "You know. and I'll find out who you are.. huh.. Share this quote Bill Cosby: Carol Burnett described what labor pains feel like." and you say "Why?" and they say. Share this quote Bill Cosby: Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. er. boy? And don't lie to me. because you live here." Share this quote Bill Cosby: My parents never smiled. and the first thing they grab is an iron hook. He looked at me and said. Then you sit in their chair. I brought you in this world. son?" Share this quote Bill Cosby: I am not the boss of my house.Memorable quotes http://www... ya filth and foul face.. what is your name. close the door. My wife and I don't smile because our children are LOADED with it. I'll make another one look just like you. "Well I just love children. I don't know how I lost it. Rupert.. "Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.
she will give you at least an 85 answer. child psychology major with a B-plus average. and the skin and hair split and came off of her face so that there was nothing except the skull. I'd throw 'em on the floor. Share this quote Bill Cosby: I didn't know how serious it is to a female that you lift the lid. Share this quote Bill Cosby: My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children. it wouldn't work. I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door. "But dear. NOBODY! "Gonna tell me that you're not going to do something when I tell you to do something... And orange light came out of her hair and there was glitter all around. My wife's face.. We were very. keep 'em in my hand. But knowing my mother. She'd say. And fire shot from her eye sockets and began to burn my stomach and she said. from Temple University. very bright people. "I WANT MORPHINE!" I said. which means that if you ask her a question about a child's behavior.. "They asked for it!" And the children who had been singing praises to me.. Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ after a contraction] Then my wife stood up. I'll beat you until you can't grow anymore!" Share this quote Bill Cosby: A person with one child does not have to deal with "Will you stop touching me?" If you've got one child. My mother would hit me in the head.. My wife's face split. LIED on me and said..com/title/tt0083652/quotes Bill Cosby: FIBBER! Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ when his wife sees that he has given the kids cake for breakfast] I've always heard about people having a conniption but I've never seen one. I mean you MOVE when I say move! Think I carried you in my body for nine months so you can roll your eyes at me? I'll roll that little head of yours down on the floor. You don't want to see 'em. which means that if you ask me a question about a child's behavior. physical education major with a child psychology minor. Share this quote Bill Cosby: My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.imdb. and said.. "WHERE DID THEY GET CHOCOLATE CAKE FROM?" And I said. "Put your brains back in your head! Don't you let your brains fall out of your head! Have you lost your mind?" Share this quote Bill Cosby: I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. Share this quote Bill Cosby: I always wanted to get some calves' brains. " [ He imitates Lamaze breathing] Bill Cosby: She said. Share this quote Bill Cosby: My wife and I were intellectuals before we had children.. split. Share this quote 3 of 7 10/19/2011 16:29 . Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ after spanking the kids] My wife comes downstairs with a broken stick.. She throws it on the table and begins to talk out loud to.. Share this quote Bill Cosby: I've got a Ferrari. My wife graduated from the University of Maryland. he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook. "YOU SHUT UP! *YOU* DID THIS TO ME!" And on the next contraction. AND DAD MADE US EAT THIS!" And my wife sent me to my room.. I. in the stirrups.Memorable quotes http://www.. You don't know who you're fooling with. Share this quote Bill Cosby: A person that is going to go out and get so drunk that you're going to get sick is just an all-time dumb person.. grabbed my bottom lip. you gotta take it away.. she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married. which is where I wanted to go in the first place. and the child's doing that.Bill Cosby: Himself (1983) . "Uh-uh! We asked for eggs and milk..
. No. You just." I said.com/title/tt0083652/quotes Bill Cosby: My mother comes in my room and says. and kissed her ever so gently on the lips. was your head with you all day today?" He said.. 4 of 7 10/19/2011 16:29 .. "I don't know!" I said. Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ angrily making breakfast] So I go to the refrigerator and I get the damned BACON and the SAUSAGE. five times! And I said to the doctor..... tell Dad what happened to your hair. Audience Member: Yow! Bill Cosby: There they go! Share this quote Bill Cosby: The weirdest thing about drugs is that people on it start to laugh." Share this quote Bill Cosby: Now you need something to drink with the chocolate cake.." I don't remember anything after that.. and no one knows what they're laughing at. I said 'Far out!'.Bill Cosby: Himself (1983) . You are looking at an old woman who is trying to get into Heaven.." I said." He said.. I said 'Oh.. "Son. wow!'...all the way around to here. I said 'Oh. and I looked at it.." Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ about a talk with his son] So I looked at him.. "And tired.." I mean. Then he turned it over... they just go: [ he starts talking in a high-pitched voice] Bill Cosby: "Ahh." He said. wait a minute.. Share this quote Bill Cosby: My mother said to me: "When your father gets home.. and she wants me to LOOK at it. he said. "Is this the hair style you wanted?" He said.Memorable quotes http://www... 'Kill it!' *I* stopped him from killing you for *eleven years*. either! You know.. "Then why didn't you tell me that in the beginning?" He said.. [ he starts sobbing] Bill Cosby: . no!'. And so a guy took a piece of meat.. "What...you have to be careful with eggs. makin' breakfast at six o'clock [ BLAM] Bill Cosby: in the MORNING. "Uh-huh. "Son. "Did you cut your hair off?" He said.and this is the thanks I get for saving your life!" Share this quote Bill Cosby: Then there's cocaine. Grapefruit juice! [ Woman in audience groans] Bill Cosby: [ glaring at her] This is not your child! Share this quote Bill Cosby: "And tired" always followed sick... I went over to the. And I noticed that from here.." Share this quote Bill Cosby: Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago! Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ in the hospital room after the birth of their first baby] .. "This is not the same person I grew up with. "Uh-huh.. had. and then I GRAB THE . It was all brown!. [ pointing to the other side] Bill Cosby: ." And I said. And then he put it in between two pieces of bread. "Son?" Called him "son". [ pointing to one side of his head] Bill Cosby: .. and I said "I love you. So I went over to my wife... he's always wanted to kill you! The day you were born. Something breakfast. a lizard.. "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now.. I went over to the Burger King. my mother said.. Ahh... because the thing changed colors like.." I said. "Right! Now.. WHOOO!. I said.imdb. "I don't know.. "Uh-huh.there was no hair... three months!" But the hospital made us take it home. very very much dear.. happened to your hair?" He said.. he's going to shoot you in the face with a bazooka! And I'm not going to stop him this time. and it wasn't getting any better.. "Uh-huh.. and threw it on the grill.." I said.. "I am just sick." I said. "Can you put this back? Cause it isn't finished cooking! It needs to cook two." I said. take your hand and put it on top of your head and tell me what you feel. Share this quote Bill Cosby: I tell my kids. "There's no hair.. Worst beating I ever got in my life. "A reverse Mohawk?" He said. I've already been in the room five hours.. "I don't know. and a guy ate it...
by saying. 'Cause first you say it. I. and DISCUSSED it! Children! Having children and bringing them up.. but it lifted Dad up about two feet. "Can you sit up?" "I'm sorry. then you do it! Share this quote Bill Cosby: My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals." "Sit up.. and go downstairs." Now the dentist pulls out a needle. We sat in the backseat of a car. get out of that bed. This is to deaden the pain. I mean. "I HAVE HAD.. "Boy. And milk! Oh. Share this quote 5 of 7 10/19/2011 16:29 .. getting drunk and people saying that they're having a good time... Oh." And Friday comes and they say.. I found out that if I was ever paralyzed from the knee down.." She said. Now these three brain-damaged people have the nerve to looked surprised! Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ on going to the dentist] You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. Because the whole time I kept doing that.. and say. he gives a suggestive grin] Bill Cosby: . I beg your pardon." Share this quote Bill Cosby: Eggs! Eggs are in chocolate cake... Now. And we planned to have children. "I'm going out to have a good time. you know you think to yourself." But some people announce it: "I'm going OUT.com/title/tt0083652/quotes Share this quote Bill Cosby: Here comes a truck. I just kept. dinner!.... "Yeah!" And then they come in Monday. "Bill. Share this quote Bill Cosby: Needless to say.. "My goodness. THIS!"." Share this quote Bill Cosby: I really want to study this whole thing of drinking. I don't know what they want to eat.. whether or not you hit the truck..Memorable quotes http://www. what happened in here?" "Mom.. there's an elephant under Dad's chair. Because if you put on a good suit.. I've had a lot of people work for me.Bill Cosby: Himself (1983) . goodie! And wheat! That's nutrition! "What do you want?" "Can I have some chocolate cake?" "Chocolate cake coming up!" SHEW! Sliced it for her and served it.. "It's down there! NOW YOU GET OUT OF THE BED!" Share this quote Bill Cosby: My wife grabs a yard stick. I'd be able to walk with my behind. you put on a good suit or whatever and you say.. you say. [ audience laughs. because I DESERVE to get drunk! And get out of my way!" Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ referring to the dentist fixing his teeth] I found out something about myself while the dentist was doing that. ENOUGH OF... gonna hit you.." "Did you see it?" "No. because I DESERVE to go out! And I'm going to get DRUNK. I'm no good on my own. "Well.." "I'm sorry.. am I glad to be back here. we felt qualified to handle having children. [ he makes an expression that looks like he's exhausted and upset] Bill Cosby: . AND COOK BREAKFAST FOR YOUR CHILDREN!" I said. and I've found out it's a funny thing that you give them Saturday and Sunday off. holds it like a samurai warrior. I've really pounded these people and worked to them to death... And your bottom lip is in your lap! Share this quote Bill Cosby: It's always strange.. Lord. Share this quote Bill Cosby: [ talking about fathers having gas and blaming it on imaginary animals] Now here comes my mother: "All right.imdb. and announces that the beatings will now begin.. Share this quote Bill Cosby: My wife said. you are going to have soiled underwear... I was given two whole days and I just went crazy. and they work so hard to get to those two days and those are the two days that they totally destroy themselves.
Bill Cosby: Himself (1983) . Quilting & Knitting LOVEFiLM Watch Movies Online Shopbop Designer Fashion Brands Small Parts Industrial Supplies Warehouse Deals Open-Box Discounts Zappos Shoes Clothing 7 of 7 10/19/2011 16:29 .com/title/tt0083652/quotes Amazon Affiliates: AmazonWireless Askville Cellphones & Wireless Plans Community Answers Audible Download Audio Books DPReview Digital Photography Endless Shoes & More Fabric Sewing.Memorable quotes http://www.imdb.
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