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I started writing this because I’m gradually losing most of my memories. It’s a book, a memoir and a letter at the same time. Between these words, I hope you too, could find the answers to why some of us couldn’t let go of the past and why we couldn’t turn ourselves back into the person we used to be. I also inserted a few links to some of my favorite songs.
‘KITTEN’.................................................................................................................3 PHOTOGRAPHS....................................................................................................7 RAIN.....................................................................................................................10 MIXED EMOTIONS..............................................................................................12 NIGHTMARES......................................................................................................14 REMINISCING......................................................................................................16 CRYING MESSAGES...........................................................................................18 FADING MEMORIES............................................................................................21 THE BROKEN RAINBOW....................................................................................23 VIVID DREAMS....................................................................................................26 ANALYZE THIS....................................................................................................27 LISTEN.................................................................................................................29 “GOODBYE.”.......................................................................................................31
Back then, I was so mad about you having a nickname given by another guy. Whatever his name was, I can’t seem to remember. But now whenever I see my pet, the word ‘Kitten’ always runs across my mind. Funny though, my cat might be wondering why her master looks at her differently. She was so young back then and she scratched me a dozen times when I first found out that she was hiding under the grill, right in front of my gray window. Now, she’s all grown up and can take cake of herself. She doesn’t seem to need me anymore, other than wanting my leftovers. What about you? I know you got over it. You stood up as if nothing has happened. I know you moved forward, got back to your old self and went on with your work. You’re a strong and independent woman. I know because I’ve been watching you. Sometimes, whenever pictures of you flood my mind, I just go back to the terminal where you used to ride and wait for you there. Hoping not to miss any face that walks out of the bus and across the dim-lighted street, I haven’t realized that I’ve lost a lot of hours of sleep. And then I saw you. My eyes glimmered like I wish time would move in slow motion. Then, my tears began wanting to run down my cheeks. I tried to call you out loud but I couldn’t hear my voice come out. Brown pants and that technical outfit — I can’t let my eyes lose sight of you. I don’t know any valid excuse to tell you why I was there so, I just talked to the poor lady at the alley and then paid her a few bucks. Then I handed you what she gave me. It’s not much but I know that it’s sweet — literally. I know you were surprised. I am too.
‘If You Leave Me Now’ by Chicago
After that, you walked away. You always walk away. You said you can’t talk right now. But it’s alright; I understand. Well, most of it. When I rode the next bus, I thought about how you might have felt. Did you ever smile when you stared at those candies? Has my face flashbacked in your mind for a while? I get flashbacks most of the time. It’s like migraine. It in your head and you feel like scratching it but you can’t.
‘Getting To Know Each Other’ by Gerard Kenny I Knew I Loved You’ by Savage Garden
I remember the first time we met in college. I remember I offered my help to draw the visual aids for your report. I went to your place to get the materials and found out that your mom was there and you were on your way to your sister’s. I remember taking you to the bus stop and watching you leave.
‘Can't Fight This Feeling’ by Reo Speedwagon
I remember finding our eyes staring at each other several times and later sharing smiles. I saw you glanced at me and you acted as if you denied it. You
caught me staring at you and I was speechless when your eyes asked me, “Why are you looking at me like that?” My heart stops whenever I hear your name. My body becomes petrified when I see you appear from nowhere. I can’t ignore your presence and I don’t know what to do when you’re near me. There’s a feeling I just couldn’t resist. And I could hardly understand what my heart was trying to say. The feeling was so intense that my actions speak louder than words. “I’m attracted to you,” it says. I remember waking up and leaving home early in the morning just to have breakfast with you. “Fried rice, a ‘sunny side up’ and coffee, for two please,” I remember. You were always the calories that keep me going. I can’t forget sharing dinner with you and coming home late at night. I can’t forget the time we’re eating while talking about our homework or wondering when our next day-off would be. I remember standing outside your door every morning, waiting to pick you up before class. I can’t forget the fog around the covered walkway. I remember waiting for you to come home from work, in the middle of the night. I also remember watching the light on your window go out as if you’re saying “Goodnight”. I recognized the people I’ve met lately. They were the same faces that were passing through as I was standing there seven years ago. I remember that black bag you were carrying on your back, that stainless steel buckle that goes with it and how it can be worn in many different ways. I also remember that uniform we used to wear. I made it into a rag now but I’m still keeping it. I imagined how it feels like wearing those school uniforms again while riding a busy train with you. The woman selling rice cakes on the train is still there. She wakes up even earlier now because she’s from Biñan. The same goes for the old woman selling water spinach for a living. No sound from a falling needle can be heard when you ride this train. I’m glad everyone on the train is still the same. Nothing has changed — except for you and me. It’s sad that we live like train tracks. We always move forward like rails with cemented beams that both link and separate us. I’ve always been the left rail — made for single tracks of an open circuit — wondering where the right rail ends. How I wish these rails would intersect somehow. But all of it is possible only on the drawing board now.
‘If’ by Bread
I remember I gave you my charcoal version of the movie poster “Titanic”. But the charcoal is all flaky now — and useless. The pastels already turned pale since you were gone. I wasn’t able to paint much like you were around. Everything is blue and all shades turned dark. My right hand has become shaky. My brushes had gone weary of you. And now that inks had all run dry, I suppose it’s the end of art for me. Back then you always inspire me to write poems and songs. I was able to write a dozen of them. “If there’s one thing I should have told you, I could have said it all myself …” and so the lyrici goes. That song used to echo wherever I go. But now it’s slowly fading at the corner of my room. I just want to tell you how I feel but now I’m afraid to know how you feel.
Wait. Can you hear it? “Time… I’ve been passing time…watching trains go by…”
‘It Might Be You’ by Stephen Bishop
It’s our song, remember? Whenever I hear our song — though I was not your first dance at the ball — I can still feel your left hand on my right hand and your right hand on my left shoulder1. It hurts a lot and feels good at the same time. “It’s telling me it might be you all of my life.” I realized why that song was really meant for us and why it was named “It Might Be You”. Having met you is only one of time’s countless branches of possibility. So, whenever I see the second hand of the clock 2 you gave me move, I remember our song and find myself asking, “Are you thinking of me too?” “By the way, I heard our song being played as I wake up in the morning of our 17th month of being together,” 3 you wrote almost ten years ago. How does it feel like hearing the same song again, now that we’re living separate lives? Do you still feel my right hand on your left hand and my left hand on your right hips?
‘Love Is All That Matters’ by Eric Carmen ‘King and Queen of Hearts’ by David Pomeranz
When you were dancing with me, it feels like we’re the only people in the world. Now you’re not around, it felt like everything in the world reminds me of you. Even the wind tells me how your hair moves gently like flowing water. And how perfect it was for a picture of the sun shining on top of your hair — giving it a glittering brown to black look — would be in a canvas. I can’t escape or deny it. It’s like your face is posted everywhere I look. Do you still remember the day when we first had that thrilling roller coaster ride at the theme park with my nephew? At that moment, I was wishing that someday, we could go back to that very same place with our own kids. I remember how I used to run after your little brother and wished that one day I could play and chase after our own son. I told you all about the plan I have for us. But when I woke up, I realized it was all just a vivid dream. Yes, it looked so real that my tears were falling as I smiled.
‘Even the Nights Are Better’ by Air Supply ‘Heaven’ by Bryan Adams
The restless nights have never been much colder. No pillow could ever replace the warmth of your touch. I can still recall the night you slept beside me. I was awake all night. I couldn’t sleep. Not without having to stare at the tranquility of your face. Or breathe together with you and follow your heartbeat. I’m so close I could see the hair and the lines on your skin. Your chest was so full of youth. Your lips were lying dry and waiting. I just wish I had the strength to keep my eyes from dozing. That night, I wished time would stop and tomorrow would never come. Now, I’m wishing for the past to return and be trapped again there. How I long for the “Kitten” I’ve lost would someday be back in my arms. I want to feel her caress again.
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12-18-1997 1:30 AM 08-17-1997 06-16-1999
I want to feel the hair on her skin like a feline fur brushing mine. I want to see the morning glow back in her eyes — like sparkling light. And then see how she reacts when I touch her cheeks. “I missed you.”
I woke up and then I realized that nine years had passed. But it seems like yesterday. Time flew so fast that I couldn’t catch up to it. All I can hold on to right now are 9-by-13.7-centimeter replicas of you. You look serious and snobbish on your graduation photo. Then, you look confident in the other. You posed, wearing a grayish green outfit with your teeth half-shown. I wonder how heavy it was for you to carry that M16 rifle and how we look alike in that Naval Reserve uniform.
‘Glory of Love’
But I wanted myself more to be the war-torn hero, someone who’s always there to protect you — always ready to risk his life. I want you to remember me in my umbrella and how you were always under it. And I want you to keep on using my hanky until this warrior sees you again.
‘Beautiful In My Eyes’
You look younger in this other photo. You were standing and behind you was an image of what looks like a volcano. “I feel happy; staying here at our nice country home.” It was what you feel like saying in this photo. During the time I was visiting my roots, the bus I was on passed by near that majestic volcano. I also saw the entrance arch to the town where you grew up from. “I can feel that you’re close by and I wish that you could sense me too,” I thought. I remember how my eyes followed the arch until it was too far away from the bus to be recognized.
‘Only Reminds Me of You’ by St. Paul
You look less pretty on that memento you gave me almost nine years ago. But I’m glad you wrote something at the back4 so that there is something for me to come back to once in a while. “Keep it away from your lips, okay?” it says. Ending with three assuring words, it really was a beautiful remembrance. “Okay.” That was my reply. But what I really meant was, “I can’t.” And I could not keep myself away from you nor keep you out of my mind. I kept the small laminated picture of you that I used to carry in my pocket. But I don’t remember what type of pendant was there on the necklace you were wearing. I remember taking it out several times just to run my fingers over it. It has a placebo effect on me. I also value this picture you gave me. You were standing next to a shelf full of books and stuffed toys5. The pair of Teddy bears I gave you was there sitting on top of a large yellow doll’s lap. The place you were standing on is all special to me. There’s another beautiful photo of you that I have kept here. You looked so serious. But sometimes I think you look like you’re going to burst into laughter. Your
hair was reaching about a couple inches farther than your chin line. And you’re wearing blue slippers and another one of those blue jeans. Your left foot is standing a few centimeters forward than your right, like most of your “full body” pictures were. And from the reflection of the television screen behind your left, I can see the flash of the camera and what seems like an open door.
‘Young Love’ by Air Supply
These pictures are all important to me. I don’t want to lose the image of your face in my mind. I just wish I could get back to the habit of letting my hand slide from your forehead down to your face and into nothingness, so that you would know it’s really me — just as Nicholas Cage did to prove that he’s not Castor Troy. Again, I wish I could stand a few feet away from your back and behold how beautiful your hair was. Then, I would cover your eyes with my hands and then listen to your voice shouting my name. And when you turn around, I would run to your lips — like a sea captain that has been away from land and had forgotten the taste of sweet wine. Those dry and pale lips of yours — were like an old oak barrel waiting for a hand to wipe its dusts away. I want to wet them again and retain their sweetness on my lips. For the last time, I want my thumb to touch that black dot above the center of your upper lip, as if it was my mother’s. I want my ears to touch your breast and hear your heart beating. And then I would like to hear a soft click and be forever trapped with you in a photograph.
‘Two less Lonely People in the World’ by Air Supply ‘First Love’ by Kristy McNichol & Christopher Atkins
I want you to remain in my memory in this state, like you were in this photo 6. You gained some weight, but still keeping your balance while standing across a slope. Wearing that white shirt, those blue jeans and that blue sneakers — you look wonderful. You tucked the lateral part of your long hair at the back of your ears to keep the wind from making them cover your face. And this is the only photo where your right foot is farther in front than your left. “You’re so damn beautiful,” I realized. If you were made of stone, I would wipe my hand over you and then wipe it over my face, just as how an old woman would worship her idol. I won’t get tired of staring how attractive and alluring you are. That unfortunate structure behind you was a condemned building even before we’ve met. I wish there was a way that I could preserve that site because we have a lot of memories there. I only pray that they won’t knock it down just yet — not until I could take you there one more time. Remember when I first asked you if you already have a special someone7? You said, “No.” Then, your voice flowed through my entire body like electricity. I smiled and charmingly said, “Well, you have one now.” You told me that your friends have been teasing you for quite some time because you were always with me. And that after what just happened between us, now you have the answer to all their questions. Did you know how hard it was for me, trying to figure out the exact words to say and the perfect timing before pulling off that kind of stunt? I took the risk, without knowing if it would sound totally absurd or corny, or both.
It was ten years ago but everything seems fresh in my memory — like slowly fading photographs.
I saw you near the elevator while I was waiting for the bus to arrive. I remember myself talking to you but I can’t recall what I said. All I know was that time was over me and I had to catch that bus to work. I saw your eyes locked on mine. I don’t ever want to go. It’s one of the biggest mistakes I made. I stood up and watched through the window, staring at every inch of the place but I still couldn’t prevent the bus from leaving. After a few days, thinking about what happened, I stopped going to work. I waited for the bus to arrive but I didn’t get on it. Somehow I just feel like standing there — wait for you to appear and give me that one meaningful stare again.
‘Separate Lives’ by Stephen Bishop
I miss you. I really do. It was a bumpy yet sweet three-year long relationship. I could put all the memories that we have here but it won’t even matter. You’re too far away for me to reach and I’m too deep for you to understand. The flame may have died when time began erasing the sparks. Yet somehow, a part of me is still shouting and believing on second chances — like rain that wants to return to the sky.
‘Love Can Make You Cry’ by Urgent ‘Where Are You Now’ by Nazareth
“The sky is weeping with me,” I thought. Though the weather won’t let me out, I love this kind of feeling. I love hearing the raindrops fall again. I remember feeling you close to me while watching water drip from my umbrella. I still remember that scent of yours and the odor of ground heat that’s slowly cooling. Rain made us closer together. And rain also made me yearn for you even more. “Where are you now?” I remember asking myself while letting the rain mix with my tears. “Are you with someone else? Is there someone taking care of you?” my mind wondered while my heart was pierced by what I said. I hope you haven’t forgotten to wipe the sweat off your back because I still have your towel8 — with your name sewn into it — with me. “Are you happy?” I asked the wind. “Are you glad that he’s playing the part that used to me mine?” I just wish your heart still have room for the memories we buried there.
‘Take Me Now’ by Bread ‘Just Tell Me You Love Me’ by England Dan & John Ford Coley ‘Honestly’ by Harem Scarem
“I want to see you again,” my tears said. “I want you to tell me again that it’s over. Slap me right in my face and say that you don’t care for me anymore. Tell me how you feel. I just want to hear your voice for a moment. Tell me that you’ve emptied me out of your heart so that I could wake up from my loneliness. Just once, let me look in your eyes one more time and see myself there. Pretend you never met me and show me that sweet smile that forever made me crazy. Let me hold your hand so that I would know that it is real — and that I’m still alive.”
‘Hiding inside Myself’ by Kenny Rankin
12-22-1997 White with red embroidery
I should have died years ago, when I was hit by a van, the time before college life starts — before I met you. And not dying inside like hell after you left. I should have stayed there lying on the asphalt road and never dreamt of us — sitting on a beach and watching the tides recede as the red sun gently fall into the sea. I don’t want to dream about us running towards each other anymore, and then wake up heart-torn. If I ever find you in my dreams again, I would rather not wake up. If it’s an illusion, then let it be real. If you’re dead, visit me and take me with you. Nothing has felt more alive than having you and your kiss. You’re right. I made bad decisions in my life and now I’m regretting it. It’s eating me up and I’m choked by it. Everything else I gathered is useless now — dining receipts, torn movie tickets, half-sealed letters and your notes from college. Your signature, your print and your scent are all what’s left with me. Forever Friends got new designs now but, I hope you’re still taking care of those Teddy bears I gave you. The rain has stopped. Are you watching the sky, too? If we’re both looking at the same remaining water droplets in the air, focus — and believe. Water is like mirrors — if you see me, I’ll be able to see you.
You think I’m going crazy, don’t you? Well, if I’m crazy, I bet everybody’s been crazy at one point in their lives. Is there someone on earth who doesn’t want to be loved? Doesn’t anyone ever want to touch the clouds? If there’s a chance I could ask you, what is the craziest thing you’ve ever done in your life while I’m gone? If you’ll ask me, don’t you find it crazy that I’m writing this nonsense? Gone are the better days. You might have been turned off if you knew that back then I’ve been whining about myself getting soaked in the rain. Now I don’t know which one is better — you’re still there but mad about it or I’m in a shade without you. I wish I could travel back through time and wait for hours knowing you’ll be back rather than sit here and dream for a moment knowing it won’t come true. I remember I almost broke my shoulder a few weeks ago. I was cutting off a few tree branches from the roof and then I slipped on the way down. It doesn’t hurt much. Not like when we first had our acquaintance party, when you got tired of the long trip, and you slept on my shoulder. I felt how heavy your thalamus was. I wanted to feel that kind of pain again. I want my scoliosis to worsen, knowing your weight is leaning on me. I want to lose my voice when I see your eyes; and my nose to bleed when I hear your voice. I want my knees to ache after chasing you; and my lungs to fail while racing with you. I want to be completely blind — with your love.
‘First Love Never Dies’ by White Lies
“First love never dies.” I used to laugh at that phrase when I was a kid because I can hardly understand what it meant. Everything changed since I met — and lost you. You’re the only one whom I poured all of my love out on. You’re the first woman to touch my life and bring colors to it. Your ears were the first one to heed my longings. Your hand was the first one to reach my shallow soul. Your heart was the first one to speed up my heartbeat. And your lips were the first one to wet mine. You’re my first love — and my last hope. Like a ghost, you’re gone but still you won’t go away. Like immortal wounds, it’s closed but the hurt certainly won’t heal. Like a body in inertia, it’s over but the feeling just won’t stop. “First love never dies,” I admit. I am a living proof. I read your letters a lot of times, hoping to find something new. I turned it over and tried to feel how deep your pen stroke was. Preserving the depth and ink was all I could do. The paper’s fragrance is fading and is slowly being replaced by the scent of passing time. “How are you?” it says clearly. I want you to know that I’m not alright. I’m yearning for your smile. I’m longing for your touch. And I’m craving for your tender kiss. I have amassed about 847 foreign and local stamps. I pasted it into four magnetic albums and I’m still not satisfied. “What’s the use of philately without
someone writing me?” I asked said to myself. I wish there was a return address to send my replies. I wish there was someone at the receiving end to hear about the secrets I have found. And I wish there were eyes that can see how beautiful my calligraphy has grown and how fine the strokes have become.
‘I Can't Find the Words to Say Goodbye’ by Bread
Have I ever told you that my mom has a mole just above the center of her upper lip, like you have? Well, you told me I was the first person to touch it, other than your family. Do you still remember that I told you that you’re also the first person to ever pinch my nose, aside from my family? I really hate it when somebody touches my nose. It’s itchy and it feels like I’m going to sneeze on something. But you know I really miss that — although I really hated it. For such wonderful memories, I want to say, “Thank you.”
‘Upside Down’ by Two Minds Crack
I’m really grateful for everything. And I just want to say, “I’m glad I’ve met you.” Who would have thought that a proud and arrogant Leo would submit to such a gentle Virgin? Chances are strong around us (I mean, everyone including us.) A “Lion” and a “Kitten”, your mole and my mom’s — coincidence was just a step away! If it was indeed fate or just another one of God’s miracles, how would I know? It was the most wonderful time of my life.
Programming is a challenge. The college course I took was boring for me. Back then, I just have to give in to the decisions of those who were supporting me. I heard you were smart, so I was up for the race. I was so surprised that even I was preoccupied by you — I had little or no time to study — I was still one of the top students in our class. Everything about you is good to me. I was so blind under your spell that I would rather spend more time with you than my friends. The feeling of lying in my bed every night thinking of you, feels like I can do almost anything. “I’m invincible,” I always said to myself. I was always eager to get up and go to school. Sweating all over on a busy train is not a problem for me. I just couldn’t wait to see you again or the green note9 stuck to your door. I can’t wait to be the first one to see you every morning before we walk our way to school. I couldn’t wait to see you put on that scented powder in your face again and borrow your mirror afterwards to check how my hair looks like. I used to remind you to make sure that the buttons on your shirt are in its place, but then I have to carry most of your usual stuff while keeping you away from the sun’s heat or from rain. Food at the pantry doesn’t taste good but it doesn’t matter as long as you’re with me. With you around, I’m not ashamed of ordering more cups of rice than I ever need. Life back then was pretty amusing. I remember that I was chosen to be the class’ escort for this girl — the first girl I met when I first stepped into that school. I declined not because she wasn’t pretty enough for me but, I wanted you to be my partner. They say, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” If it is so, then you already caught my eyes. I don’t want to dream about any other girl but you. After class, we always go to the diner — right next to the stairs of the tenement — to eat our meals together. Then, we would stay at the park just a few steps farther. After passing between two very old trees, there were four marble tables made to look like chessboards. Each table is between seats embellished in pebbles. Above it were hanging vines from two very large trees that provide shade. Farther back, there’s a long pebble-covered bench, where you can see the back of a late president’s bust from the left and the stairs leading to a store — where we used to buy our drinks — from the right. We shared stories there until we ran out of words to say and the night took over. Funny, I also remember I broke my denture there from a pork Chinese roll. Everyone has a special moment. That night at the ball, I feel like making it the best night I would ever have. I remember how I planned to take your hand and ask you to come with me at the center where everyone was dancing wild. Then suddenly, the music would fade and a sweet song begins to play while we were the only couple there. Owning you for three-and-a-half minutes on that stage would be my pride and joy. It would feel like a dream come true for me. I would use my powers to zap everyone to their seats while you and I grab the feeling of three-anda-half moments. Maybe that’s where everything changed.
‘For The First Time’ ‘Knife’ by Rockwell
Every story has each antagonist. It was almost certain that the song would end. Everything’s in place just as I planned it. But you weren’t there at your seat. A familiar hand is holding you on our stage10, but it wasn’t mine. Couples dancing were in my way. I couldn’t breathe. I’m shrinking on my brown dancing shoes. The moonlit night is making me feel weird and dizzy. It feels like a werewolf was trying to unleash itself out of my body. I’m tearing up inside. I could feel how my blood would like to run down my nose. My eyes were shaking sideways and then tears started flowing at the back of it. I looked at my hand and found my fingers moving by themselves as if they want to come off. Suddenly, they stopped — and curled tightly back to my palm. I made a long silent howl. I want to leave this hostile environment — run to the forest and disappear — but my feet were chained to the ground. I couldn’t move.
‘Love Hurts’ by Nazareth
I tried to free my mind — telling myself that it’s just an illusion. I can’t see any wound on my skin but I still feel like I was cut all over. I don’t smell any blood dripping out but it feels like it was oozing all over and draining my every energy. After the three-and-a-half-minute long nightmare, I tried to gain back my composure. I could feel the monster’s spirit slowly leaving me. Questions began popping all over my head that it hurts. I saw myself telling me it’s not your fault. “I should have asked you earlier,” I said with regret. That was the first time I was hurt so deep — although I haven’t done anything wrong. The cut was so deep that I wanted to free the animal inside me so that it could punch him on the face. I feel so strong — I could crush the buildings next to me — and yet so weak at the same time. You were so innocent — so naive. I was too proud — too jealous. And I feel sorry about it.
12-18-1997 12:45 AM
‘All I Need’ by Jack Wagner ‘Take This Love’ by Sergio Mendes
I remember you failed to recognize my voice the first time I called you on the phone. I was laughing and you said I have to prove that it was really me at the end of the line. You were denying me until I said those three magic words and you believed me. Now, phones are just paper weights for me. I wanted to hear the soft tone of your voice again but your number now belongs to someone else. I want you to talk — and don’t stop! I don’t ever want your voice to be stripped out of my memory. I want to see you laugh again and then record the echoes in my mind. I want to hear how hard you sneeze and how irritating your voice sounds when you’re mad. I want to see you stand up in front of a class again and see how smart your lips pronounce every word you say. I want to run away from you and hear you shout my name so wonderfully, though my name sounds bad. I want you to sing me the song we used to sing. I won’t care if you miss a word or two. I just want to sleep under the spell of your melodic voice.
‘I Won’t Hold Back’ by Toto
I remember we went to the mall with our friends11. I think there were no classes that day. You and the other girls got lost and I was with the guys, worried and furious. I was so mad that we have to page you. That was the first time I saw you burst into tears. You said you were sorry. I don’t remember myself saying how sorry I was for being mad at you but, “I’m sorry.” I know it’s too late for those words to comfort you but if I have to fill thirteen pages of my notebook with it again, I will. I want to see you cry again but this time pretend that you really missed me. Don’t move your hand. I will wipe away your tears myself. Tell me where it hurts. I still have a Band Aid handy. Do you still remember the play we watched12? It was about a local game and values formation. There was only one vacant seat left. I decided to offer you the seat but you insisted on sharing it with me. I remember we laughed so hard like nobody around would dare. It was one of the most memorable moments I hold dear. We were holding each other’s hand the whole time while feeling how each other breathe. I remember asking you if your legs hurt. Does it still hurt now? Please pretend that it does — I learned ten more massage techniques now. Allow me to feel your toes and see how tired it has become. Let me caress your hand and see how many rough moments it has met. Let my fingers walk between the lines on your palm and see how nothing has changed. And command me to move my three fingers in a circular motion between the tip of your eyebrows and your ear — hoping to soothe you — so that I could read your mind. I wish we could find a musical play again with one vacant seat left. I will let you sit on my lap, and feel and guess your weight. I want to touch your warm tummy again and joke about how lean it was. I want to sleep at your back and feel how bent it has become and then smell the perfume you’d always wear around you.
08-08-1997 09-28-1997 4 PM ‘Tumbang Preso’
I remember you almost fell on the shiny floor near the stairs and the maintenance supply room of the old school building. You slipped and you pretended you were skating on ice. The problem was fixed the next day but I won’t forget how we watched passersby all fell victims to the slippery floor. I remember playing badminton with you one day near the campus’ old building. You got tired to missing and picking the shuttlecock while I was smashing it. I can’t forget the time when you hit it carelessly and it landed on the lower roof of the school building. Of course, I have to crawl above the roof and reach the gutter to get it. I remember myself sitting on top of a concrete table built around a huge tree, near the pantry. I saw how you scribble on that notes of yours. I remember how funny your pointed lips were. I watched the leaves fall from the tree as the wind blew south. And I realized I was also falling — falling for you. I also remember popping every large bougainvillea leaf I could reach as I was walking and murmuring. I held out my left hand — like grasping an imaginary test tube — place the leaf upside down above it, and then give it one flat smash with my right palm. “…She loves me not,” I whispered with discontent. Then, I popped another one and said “She loves me!” But now that I am able to grow my own bougainvilleas — blooming to both red and white petals — I just don’t have the will to find out how these leaves would sound. It was eleven years ago, you told me that you love me and repeated it twice13. Does “Acid, Base and Salt” ring a bell? It’s what we call our first kiss, remember? I have to kiss both of your cheeks while saying our goodbyes. And then I would kiss your lips — last. I’ve never kissed a girl’s lips before. It was so sweet that my feet forgot how cold the vinyl floors were. Our feet began moving until my hands and your back were pinned to the front door. Your kiss felt like addicting chocolate on my lips — fireflies on a frog’s belly. I’m glad that I became its master for a while. That night marked the day you formally said “Yes” — and the end of pond life. It was sad for us to part ways for that season but I will never forget the longest “Salt” I’ve ever tasted in my whole life.
Do you recall writing “How Others See Me” on a yellow sheet of paper? And how we were asked to run it around the Social Studies class14 for each person to fill up? I kept mine and you said, “You’re such a nice guy. [I] Hope you won’t change.” If I were to write on yours now, I’d say, “You’re kind, caring and loving, and thoughtful.” Then I would go on, “And you have a way of making someone feel so very special. You’re smart and you’re funny. You have a way of making a fun moment out of a boring one. You’re industrious and passionate. You take pride in your way of valuing commitment. You’re lovely and full of wisdom. You are blessed with both beauty and brains. You’re conservative, cheerful and friendly. And you have a way of changing the person around you into someone that is worth your while.” I remember opening one of your letters and how you described me when you said that you miss the sweet and gentle person that I used to be 15. You said I was selfish, possessive and jealous. And I always find fault from petty matters. You said I’m stubborn, inconsistent and cruel. And I think I’m growing into a nitwit. You don’t have to mention more because I already realized that I became too proud and vain. And that I’m pessimistic, bashful and aloof. You don’t even have a clue how monstrous my attitude has become. But, you don’t have to worry now. Time has changed most of me that I’ve grown numb to certain emotions — including pain. I found the undelivered mail you gave me. It was written sometime during summer. You returned to your hometown and I was left in the city — sad and lonely. I remember you owe me a million kisses but you said I only got 993,000 left. I realized, you meant that the last seven kisses I gave you before you left were worth seven thousand. When summer ended and classes began to start, you said that each kiss would now cost me ten times more, then a hundred, until there was nothing was left. You laughed when I whined, “It’s not fair!” — I don’t ever want to forget happy moments such as these. “You look handsome,” you said. “I wish you would shave your mustache because —” your letter went on.16 “Why?” I wondered. Is really because I’d look much better without it? Or are you just implying that it really irritates your lips? Do you find it hard giving me “salt” when I have my mustache on?
‘I Will Be Here’ by Stephen Curtis Chapman
“Remember that I’ll still be here beside you and willing to help whenever you need me,” your letter insisted17. I remember you called me your “Dearest”. And you said, “I will never leave you…” What do these words mean to you, now that I needed you more than ever? Yes, in my mind you never left me. Your photos never did. But when will I ever find the real you?
‘Love’s Grown Deep’ by Shalamar
14 15 16 17
08-12-1997 03-11-1999 11-26-1998 02-14-1998
“I just wish that no matter what happens your love for me will never fade,” you letter said18. This is the only wish you made that I could not dispel. No matter how hard I try, I always find myself walking back towards you. The love that I gave you was too much that I couldn’t find a way to love myself. My poor heart is still yearning for yours. It’s tired and I couldn’t do anything to save it. Since you’ve become its master, my heart responds to nothing but your call. It can’t speak, but I can feel that it’s saying, “I want to stop”. My heart has a mind of its own but it can’t move forward without freedom from your control. I found some notes you made. I remember you always write one at the end of the day. You always remind me to call you as soon as I reached home. You’d say, “Take care.” Or sometimes it’s “God bless you”. Worryingly you said, “Don’t tire yourself too much.” And I took every word you said seriously. In a stenographer’s way19 several times you wrote, “I love you.” I remember I felt every word you meant and replied the same way.
‘How Deep Is Your Love’ by BeeGees
I witnessed how you plainly wrote those three magic words. I also noticed that very special smile and that blush on your face. “I love you too,” my reply couldn’t wait. Knowing that someone loves you is such an incredible feeling. No words could ever describe it. You reminded me, “Pick me up again, tomorrow.” But one of your letters said that I was so stubborn when you’re sending me home. “I want to stay with you longer,” I reasoned. “And I just can’t wait for the night to pass and be with you again.”
‘Groovy Kind Of Love’ by Phil Collins
Do you remember the promise20 you made during the time we were preparing for the final exams? You said you’d let me kiss you for fifteen accumulated minutes, if I become one of the top four passers. I really can’t recall if I did make it to the top four but I surely won’t forget the thrill of owning your lips again for fifteen accumulated minutes. I remember how you satisfied yourself by filling the back of my notebook with your replies21. You joked about inviting me to your town fiesta and that there will be tons of food there — only if I bring them myself. You said you’re inviting me over — and yet outsiders are most unwelcome. I remember the big smile on your face and that tiny voice of laugher that sounded like an innocent child playing. You also called me “a fat ant” in your letter22, remember? You always enjoy making fun of me, don’t you? You addressed me as “Mister” plus my last name23. And you said you feel too sleepy to go on writing that letter. I’m glad that you’re missing me. “I missed you too, Ms. Kitten,” I would say softly if you were here.
18 19 20 21 22 23
12-20-1998 02-12-1999 03-09-1999 08-09-1999 07-12-1999 05-21-0998
‘The Search Is Over’ by Survivor
“Sweetheart,” you said. It was like music to my ears. “I wish our dreams would come true,”24 you continued in your letter. And I began to think about the plans we used to dream ahead of us, “You know I’ve been wishing the same thing.”
My memorabilia box is like a museum for two people’s undying first love. I kept all your written messages and made a timetable for all the special moments we had together. I kept every receipt we got from all the important places we visited. I collected almost all of the tickets we bought, as souvenirs. And I kept them all for times like these. That someday, you’ll grow old and might forget everything that ever happened between us and these keepsakes would remind you that we had so much wonderful time together. These worn-out pages of the past would remind us how we shared laughter and pain. And take us back through time and show us how young our love was and how inexperienced we were. Do you remember when I was asked to make the invitations for our classmate’s birthday? Both of us were chosen to hold one of the eighteen symbolic gifts for the debutante.25 We make a good pair, don’t we?
‘Cherish the Love’ by Kool & The Gang
Do you remember the last play we watched26? It was a comedy thriller about “Communicating Doors”. I remember I woke up at six thirty and got dressed up at ten. I rode a 10:40 commuter train but I got to you seven minutes later than the agreed 11 AM meeting. There were people at your dorm that you could hardly go out. We left a minute after one in the afternoon. Then, we arrived at 2:20 PM and bought two sets of a meal including a hamburger, regular fries and a soda. We took the elevator until we reached Level 5. I kept the repertoire and the torn tickets from our E3 and E4 seats. After watching the play, we had dinner and we reached your dorm at 7:30 PM while I got home at around ten. I kept the two two-peso worth of tickets27 we got, when we board the 307 train just to feel how it was like for you riding a train for the first time. I remember we waited at the nearest train station and got off at the next one. I saw how you swayed with me as the train moves along the bumpy and uneven tracks. And I also saw how the gentle wind from the rusted window loosely spread your hair. I kept a list of the first twenty-one movies we’ve seen together. I remember we always watched the film twiceii so that we could spend more time together. Now that you’re gone I’m stuck with just DVDs. Do you feel like going to the movies right now? I’ll treat you to one if you want to. I want to share my popcorn with you again. I want to feel our hands squeeze through that yellow paper tumbler one more time. I want to hear your seat squeak. I want to see you remove your shoes in the dark. I want to feel you wrap your arms around my left arm, while the cold air gradually feels like ice. I remember you accompanied me to an on-the-spot poster design contest 28. I remember it was my first time joining such a huge formal competition. My artwork looks like one of the top finalist for the trash can but I enjoyed it. No one has ever
25 26 27 28
02-13-1999 06-13-1998 Shangri-La 09-22-1998 FTI-BIC 11-16-1998 VMMC
valued my talents more than you did. Nobody appreciates my creations more than you do. I kept the sonnet you delivered during your speech choir. “Never Love Unless You Can” and “The Nymph’s Reply to the Shepherd” were all part of “Forgiveness Comes before Repentance.” I remember how the poem struck me knowing how you also endured my faults, my jealousy and my discontent. We had a lot of good times and some rough moments. But you stayed tough because you care. I want to learn more about it — about love. I want you to teach me again.
‘Will Of the Wind’ by Jim Photoglo
I remember the time we met in a crowded food center. You came late while I was having a hard time hiding the roses that I wanted to give you. I remember hearing the words “over,” “end,” and “tired” just after giving the flowers. It echoed in my mind and I swallowed the pain right there. “Has your love totally diminished?” I asked. “I’m fed up,” you said. As much as I admit how stupid and sorry I was, you left. I stayed at the train station and watched several trains pass by me until dark. I took the last train and stood between open coaches. I wanted to feel the strong wind blowing between them, hoping that it would carry away with it the pain I was feeling. I also wanted to see how moving train tracks would look from the train’s point of view. But then, memories of us started appearing between flashing train tracks and my heart began to burst into tears.
The Broken Rainbow
After we broke up, I tried to visit your place but you weren’t there. I couldn’t find any green note stuck to the door. It’s not even on the ground. I was afraid I expected too much and that I couldn’t make myself believe that nothing was really there. I ran around the campus where we used to hang out but I found no trace of you. I checked all the boards hoping to find your name in one of the lists. I figured you didn’t pursue the Engineering Course just as you said29 you would try. I went back to the park where I broke my denture, only to find out that nobody I knew was there. The place was all familiar — and special — but you’re not around. For months, I went back to the terminal several times more until my pockets were empty. Nothing was in my hand but three cheap candies. And not a shadow of you was there.
‘What’s Forever For’ ‘I Don’t Wanna Lose Your Love’ by John O'Banion ‘Can’t Cry Hard Enough’ by William Brothers
“You’ll never know how important someone is until you have lost her.” I heard it before. I’m just too foolish to understand. I wasted so much time wondering where I went wrong that I’ve almost lost track of time. Maybe I should figure out my inner self before anything else. But I can hardly do that now, not without you to help me through it. Losing you for quite a while feels like I’m losing my mind.
‘Lost In Love’ by Air Supply ‘Patience’ by Guns and Roses
When I was with you, I grasp every second of it. When you left, the memories keep coming back to haunt me. Having you near me tells me I’m alive. I want to feel that again. Sometimes I close my eyes and sit on my feet and imagine you were at my back embracing me. I want to feel your arms wrapped around my chest. I want to feel the weight of your chin on top of my head and let the wind move your hair down and slowly touch my face. And with my back feeling your heartbeat, I would suppress time and seize every moment of it.
I want to put my hands on your face until my forefingers were under your ears and my thumbs right under your eyes, while letting the song tell you all about that “Somebody” I was dreaming about. I want you to look in my eyes and see how much of you were there. I want you to look deep into my heart and understand what those words really meant.
‘Lonely Is the Night’ by Air Supply
I told myself that I could make it on my own. I thought I could live without your love. And I thought I won’t miss you. I thought I was okay. And I thought it was right pretending I’m alright. I was wrong. I can’t stand just looking in your eyes from a photo. I need to see you and feel your aura. I need to feel the sensation of our pheromones. I can’t stop thinking about you. You were always on my mind, in the corner of my eyes and in my dreams. I can’t stop wanting you back in my arms.
‘Ocean Deep’ by Cliff Richard ‘Bluer than Blue’ by Michael Johnson
Trying to cope up from a heavy heart is not easy. As much as I want to fill my belly with alcohol, or bury my feet on the sand and dip half of my body into the sea, I’m so lost — I could not find the answer. “What was the question, again?” The only thing I was able to accomplish within that year was living one day at a time while blaming myself. Not to mention all the troubles I ran myself into, I found myself frazzle and helpless for a quite some time. Only God knew how much I have suffered. How I wish He could let you know what I was going through. I remember how I pretended to be sick and tried to inform you. Then you called back my cousin’s house and caught me red-handed. It was foolish but it’s not the most foolish thing I’ve ever done.
‘Foolish Heart’ by Steve Perry
Walking at the terminal — it reminds me when I saw you in the corner of my eye, wearing the same clothes you do. You were almost nine meters away from me. I followed you closely until you stopped and turned back. It wasn’t you at all. I stood in the middle of the food court and turned around slowly, scanning everyone’s faces. Then, I realized that my mind was just playing tricks on me.
‘Chances’ by Air Supply ‘Never Gonna Let You Go’ by Sergio Mendes
I was holding on to chances. Chances that say you’ll be there. Chances that say there’s still a little feeling left. I believe I heard it say, “Tell her before it turns numb.” I was hoping for a chance I could ask, “How are you?” And I wish you’d ask me back so that I could tell you how I feel. I believe that there’s a chance that I might run into a very familiar face someday. Chances that say it might be you once again.
‘What Do We Mean To Each Other’ by Sergio Mendes
I still haven’t realized what the smile on your face meant the last time I saw you. Is it really over for us? Are we just friends who were used to be lovers? Or, are we lovers still timid to admit what we really feel inside? If you ever look in my eyes again, I won’t deny that it wants you back. If I hear your footsteps again, I won’t cover my ears if you say that I’m just walking in a one-way street — and you might not love me back. I still want to hear you say that you love me, even if it’s in the past tense — “loved”. If you ever let me hold your hand, I will never let go. I can’t afford to lose you again. If you say that we’re just friends now, tell me that we can still start all over. I won’t go wrong this time.
‘Don’t Give Up on Us’
I waited for you for months. I came back to the terminal for you. I checked every window of buses passing by. I checked the movies to see if you’re waiting in line. I bought two tickets thinking you might show up. I stood at the balcony until the film ended, hoping I could see the unique glow of your hair. I strolled around the grocery for almost an hour and walked out with a bag full of remorse. I wish I had
enough resources to turn this country upside down and inside out to find you. I want to be the new stranger you would bump yourself into one day and then see your smile as if they were familiar. It’s started raining again today. I can see the cold air coming out of my mouth, moving towards the screen. I cleared the screen of it with my hand and then let my forehead lean on the glass. My eyes blinked. But within that moment, I thought I also felt your forehead for a while. But it’s not the same. The light in your eyes is much brighter than the flickering screen. I remember seeing a small colorful reflection of me in it. It’s not the same as the dark and empty image of me that this screen casts back. I opened my window and noticed how the tiny plant was being bombarded with huge raindrops and how it struggles to keep its leaves up. I also saw a small hole in the ground catching more water than it can hold. “I don’t know how much of you and without you I can take.”
‘On The Wings Of Love’
I know what I felt. I felt heaven even before I died. I saw an angel and a goddess merge into you. It felt like walking on the clouds before falling hard on the ground. Do you remember how “Always and Forever” would always end my letters and why those words also bear the initials of our last names? I was madly falling for you that I thought it might be you for the rest of my life. Everything felt so right and so real — that I never imagined I could make roses out of squares of a graphing paper. Now, it’s only “Yesterday and The Past” for us because words have lost its meaning as we try to leave our precious moments behind us. You hid our love in a chest and thrown away the key. But you forgot that my heart was still trapped in it. They say that when you’re hurt so badly, you just have to focus on something else. What if my heart isn’t in its place anymore? How do you get back to the former self you long to have? How do you tell a person to return the heart she took, if you knew she might have thrown it away or locked it for good?
‘Is It Over?’ by Ronnie Milsap ‘Now and Forever’ by Richard Marx
I saw you once, you were heading for work. I couldn’t get near you. You were with someone else. I couldn’t do anything but bring my right hand back to my pocket, grasp on that cheap alloy ring, and feel the cross and the nine protrusions around it. I got your reply in my head. You walked away before I was able to kneel down. You were gone before I had the chance to ask you about “forever”. You disappeared before you forgot that you broke my heart again. I never knew where the ring ran off to but I could still see the image of it in some places. I dreamt of you in that gown and a small hut on a beach. Tides were high but it didn’t bother us. The wind was strong but we were smiling. The sun was up high and yet I’m not sweating. The sand and the sea were glittering in the sun, as if they’re talking to each other. We never spoke. Only our eyes were giving Morse codes. I never figured what the short and long blink stands for but I was definitely sure I was holding your hand.
‘Let’s Make A Memory’ by Rex Smith
I dreamed of you again in another one of those vivid dreams. The music was too loud and it was crowded with people. I saw myself shouting. I told you how I feel, how my time was short and that you and I were just dreaming. I remember telling you not for forget what I said if you were to wake up. But suddenly the views changed and I tried to control my dream so that I could get back to you. I was powerless. When I woke up, I said to myself that I must try harder next time. I must tell myself in my dream that I was, in fact, dreaming and that I should hurry up and search for you. I must control how the scenes would come or just stop other scenes from becoming. I just need to see you and touch your face again. I was so desperate that I found myself believing that our dreams were connected — that whatever I say will get to you and whatever I do you’d remember when you wake up. I waited for the nights to come just I was waiting for you but you never returned — at that terminal or in this dream.
‘Now and Forever’ by Richard Marx ‘Missing You’ by John White
I remember myself talking to the air. “I miss you,” I whispered. And then I imagined that the words that came out of my mouth turned to feathers — being pulled by the wind to your direction. “Did you hear me?” I said with my eyes closed, hoping that my mind would reach you. Trying to talk to you telepathically is totally unreal — and pathetic. I am going crazy. But if it is possible and only one word would go through you, I would have, at least, shouted “LOVE” in my mind. I feel like a vampire chasing after a shadow of a dead beloved. No one would want to become like me. I’m chained to your scent scattered in familiar places. I’m stuck with an old cloak and have been dead for quite some time. How I wish someone kind enough would come and end my heart with a stake so that I could forever be with the one I love.
‘I Just Can’t Let Go’ by David Pack
People say, “If you really love her, you must learn to let her go. If she comes back, she’s really meant for you.” I did just that because I believed in it. Now, I don’t listen to anyone anymore. It’s really hard to let go of a precious gem you kept for years. But it’s even harder for me — knowing I was the one who broke it. I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am for the troubles I’ve caused you. And I don’t know if a paper needle and a thread of ink could ever mend a torn diamond. How much more would a replacement for a life-size jewel would cost? It’s priceless. Then how would a mother tell her daughter to listen and understand that she loves her after giving her a spank? Programming is my forte. But building the codes to a fulfilling life without you is too hard for me. The image of your face is like a Trojan worm inside my head, consuming and draining the remaining life in me. I tried searching the virtual web for your name but there were so much data in it that I don’t know which one is the real you. I made it through the backdoors but I didn’t find your print there. I can send these questions to everyone’s emails but I didn’t. These words are only meant for your eyes and your heart — or whatever’s left there. Life without someone you hold very dear is meaningless. As a dumb man would say, “Love and Life go together. That’s why we have ‘lovelife’, right?” It’s funny, and hurts at the same time. I am smart. Not in this life, maybe. I’m speechless when I was with you and clueless now you’re not around.
‘Just As I Am’ by Air Supply
Everything was so easy when we’re together. Just one look at the equations and I already know the answer. My hand has a mind of its own, that it’s writing the problem and the solution at the same time. Every view was perfect for the drawing board and the verses on my poem would always rhyme. No load was too heavy for me. Everything that’s complicated just turned simple.
‘Baby Come back’ by Player
Now that you’re gone, I couldn’t put the puzzle pieces back together or get anything right. I can’t decide if it’s gray or black and I always miss painting a certain spot. I couldn’t get the notes right; everything sounds flat. I even forgot that my socks don’t match and that I left my hanky and my comb. I don’t know what meal to choose from a short menu and even forgot how to use chopsticks. Insect bites would feel like body aches and stumbling on your photographs would feel like dying. My pockets were full but I feel empty. I’m still not sure. But I’m positive that everything simple has been much more complicated.
‘Is It Okay To Call You Mine’ by Paul McCrane
[Ctrl+Z] [Ctrl+Z] [Ctrl+Z]. No matter what I do, I can’t undo the things that I’ve done or take back the words that I said. All I want right now is for you to hear me out. Let me touch that mole for the last time. Don’t deprive me of seeing your eyes again. Let’s cut out our memories and see how we can paste it back together in a different way. You turned me on but you forgot to shut me down. You made me sleep under your spell and yet you refuse to wake me up. I’m not sure who I am right now. Maybe they’re right — I’m just another regular guy stuck on his keyboard.
‘Lost Without Your Love’ by Bread
These words may not be new but I poured all my heart out for it. If there are words you couldn’t understand, tell me and I’ll rephrase it. I wouldn’t mind voicing out the emotions that these words really wish to express. I trained at three call centers just to prepare for the day your ears would have time to listen. I turned the nights into day just to find myself entwined between words I’m not sure you’d accept. Just for a cup of coffee’s sake, lend me some time — and listen to me. I have a lot of things more to say. I know what to say now. I’m not stuttering anymore!
‘Exchange of Heart’ by David Slater
If this is the last chance I have to say these things, don’t walk out on me now. Read between the words for the last time. I know the possible answers but I won’t tell you. I want you to still figure it out. I’ll guide you back to the past because I’ve been there several times each day, for ten years. I’m not giving you choices. I just want you to lend me your ear for a while. Help me bury the flashforwards in my mind and clean your trail everywhere. Unlock these shackles that hold me and free me from this burden. Help me analyze this kind of love I’m unable to figure out.
I know it’s all worn out but, “You complete me.”
‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls ‘Everything I Own’ by Bread ‘Take Me I’ll Follow’ by Bobby Caldwell
Nothing’s more important to a pen than its ink. And nothing’s more perfect for an old lock than its own rusted key. Even if there’s one way I can be whole again, I won’t try it until I hear what you have to say. You’re a part of me that I just couldn’t let go. You made me whole, the minute you stepped in to my life. Without you, I’m a shallow tide without the moon, a lonely moon without the stars, a dull star without the sun, and a dead sun without light. “I need you.”
‘You’re All I Need’ by White Lion ‘I Need You’
I need your ears to hear me out, your eyes to see through me and your heart to understand mine. I need your touch to comfort me, your embrace to keep me warm, and your kiss to remind me how sweet life really is. I need you and I’ve never felt so much love than when you were here with me. My heart is yearning for you. And I’ve never felt so lost and so lonely than living without you in my life. “You’re everything in the world to me.”
‘Every Woman in the World’ by Air Supply ‘You Are My Everything’ by Calloway
When I close my eyes you’re everywhere and you were everything that I was hoping for. You’re the song that keeps me awake at night. And you’re the light that guides me in the dark. You’re the falling star I’ve been wishing my whole life. You’re the moon that pulled me out of my loneliness. And you’re the tide that swept away the keys to my heart... There are more than a million reasons more but you might get bored. Surely, none of them could ever replace you. I’ve never wanted anything more from the world than you because your love is more than enough for me. “I love you.”
‘Keep On Loving You’ by Reo Speedwagon ‘I’ll Always Love You’ by Michael Johnson
Do you believe that saying “I love you because…” would sound like loving someone only because of the characteristic that that person has. What if that person loses that characteristic? The statement may not be true anymore, right? Nonetheless, “I love you because — there’s no reason not to.”
I love you so much that it hurts. I’ve never felt such a feeling in my entire life. I want to give it all. I want to share my life with you. I want the trees to bear witness to us growing old together. I wouldn’t mind my crane sinking a little bit in the sand or my hat being washed away by the tide completely, as long as you’re walking along the shore with me. I won’t care if I grew bald or your hair turns white. I know this feeling will never subside. I want to take care of you. I want to keep the dusts from flying into your eyes and moisture from leaving your lips. I want to build you a hut on a beach and turn our vision into reality. I want to be a brother to your sisters, a father to your sons. I also want to be there, when you laugh or cry. I want my hands to be your second hands. And I want my eyes to be your rear sight. My love for you is deeper than anyone could ever fathom and more than the whole world ever knew. You mean so much more to me than money could ever buy. And I love you more than any words could ever express.
‘Can We Still Be Friends’ by Todd Rundgren ‘Maybe This Time’ by Michael Murphy ‘Strong, Strong Wind’ by Air Supply ‘The One That You Love’ by Air Supply ‘More than Words’ by Extreme
If these words were all just a fantasy for you, I understand. If you don’t want to hear these words again, I’ll shut up. Just let me see your face one more time. Even as a stranger, allow me to look deep into your eyes and stare on it for a while. Let me touch your hair again, as if I didn’t mean to. Pretend that your new bag is heavy and let me carry it for you. Allow me to buy you a cup of coffee. Let me watch how your lips touch the mug and remember how you used to kiss me. Feel free to help me scratch my back. I want to feel you touching me. Don’t stain your hanky or open your umbrella. Allow me to offer mine, so that I could care for you one more time. Let’s use the stairs so I could buy a few more moments with you. Don’t ever worry about falling or slipping, because my hands are aware where your hands are. If you’re bored, let’s play dart. I don’t know how to play it either but, let me just race with you for the last time. If I lose, let me cry hard so that I have a reason to run to your arms. Let my head fall on your shoulder and my heartbeats feel yours. Then, give me permission to embrace you back. Lastly, do take these three candies I come to offer; it’s the last pieces of my heart. Don’t worry if you think I’m making it harder for myself. Believe me; it’s easier for me this way.
‘All Out Of Love’ by Air Supply ‘Now And Forever’ by Air Supply ‘Live Without Your Love’ by Wind Jammer ‘Something to Say’ by Harem Scarem ‘I Don’t Wanna Live Without Your Love’ by Chicago
If you want to leave me again, that’s fine. But before you go, please turn me back to the frog I used to be so that I could live my life like it was before I met you. If the last broken piece of our love is in me, I want you to take it away. But if you have the larger part of my heart, I want to take it back.
‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ by Meatloaf
“I’d do anything for love — even though it takes to hurt my heart,” I told you several times. If these pictures and messages that I’ve been holding on to fade, I still won’t lose hope. I will hold on to your memory. If my memory would start to fade, I will write it all down. I’d do anything just to let you know how I feel. “And I’m gonna keep on loving you ‘cause it’s the only thing I want to do…”
‘Keep On Loving You’ by Reo Speedwagon
I will continue to write and express how important you are to me. And I will search for you until the end of the earth — just to see your face again. Statistics say that the life expectancy for men is around seventy years. If that is so, then I still have less than forty-two years left — and counting — to find you. If you’re planning to leave the country next year, I still have twelve months left. But if you’d be married by next month, I guess I only have at least four weeks to make you understand.
‘Where Are You Now’ by Nazareth
If my life would end next week, seven days would still be enough. I could last for six days while running nonstop with high fever or five days with fever and asthma. I think I could still last for four days walking to your place while my right leg is bleeding profusely or three days crawling with both legs injured. If an accident would come to me tomorrow, don’t worry if I have only one hand left. I still have a copy of this book on my flash drive. I will use all my remaining strength to hand it to you. I hope it’s not yet too late for you to recover it. But if the world would come to an end right now, I just wished you have read this book.
Featured Playlist: [Part of our Original Playlist] * [Part of my ‘Kitten’ Playlist] □ ‘All Out Of Love’ by Air Supply * ‘Can't Fight This Feeling’ by Reo Speedwagon * ‘Cherish the Love’ by Kool & The Gang * ‘Chances’ by Air Supply * ‘Even the Nights Are Better’ by Air Supply * ‘Every Woman in the World’ by Air Supply * ‘First Love’ by Kristy McNichol & Christopher Atkins * ‘Glory of Love’ * ‘Getting To Know Each Other’ by Gerard Kenny * ‘Groovy Kind Of Love’ by Phil Collins * ‘How Deep Is Your Love’ by BeeGees * ‘If You Leave Me Now’ by Chicago * ‘If’ by Bread * ‘It Might Be You’ by Stephen Bishop * ‘I Will Be Here’ by Stephen Curtis Chapman * ‘I Don’t Wanna Live Without Your Love’ by Chicago * ‘Just Tell Me You Love Me’ by England Dan & John Ford Coley * ‘King and Queen of Hearts’ by David Pomeranz * ‘Knife’ by Rockwell * ‘Love Is All That Matters’ by Eric Carmen * ‘Love Hurts’ by Nazareth * ‘Lost In Love’ by Air Supply * ‘Love’s Grown Deep’ by Shalamar * ‘More than Words’ by Extreme * ‘Making Love Out Of Nothing At All’ by Air Supply * ‘Now and Forever’ by Air Supply * ‘On The Wings Of Love’ * ‘Ocean Deep’ by Cliff Richard * ‘Somebody’ * ‘The One That You Love’ by Air Supply * ‘Take Me Now’ by Bread * ‘Will Of the Wind’ by Jim Photoglo * ‘All Out Of Love’ by Air Supply ‘All I Need’ by Jack Wagner ‘Beautiful In My Eyes’ ‘Bluer than Blue’ by Michael Johnson ‘Baby Come back’ by Player ‘Can We Still Be Friends’ by Todd Rundgren ‘Can’t Cry Hard Enough’ by William Brothers ‘Don’t Give Up on Us’ ‘Exchange of Heart’ by David Slater ‘Foolish Heart’ by Steve Perry ‘First Love Never Dies’ by White Lies ‘For The First Time’ ‘Heaven’ by Bryan Adams ‘Honestly’ by Harem Scarem ‘Hiding inside Myself’ by Kenny Rankin ’I Knew I Loved You’ by Savage Garden ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ by Meatloaf ‘I Can't Find the Words to Say Goodbye’ by Bread ‘I Don’t Wanna Lose Your Love’ by John O'Banion ‘Is It Over?’ by Ronnie Milsap ‘I’ll Always Love You’ by Michael Johnson ‘I Need You’ ‘I Won’t Hold Back’ by Toto ‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls ‘Everything I Own’ by Bread □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
‘I Just Can’t Let Go’ by David Pack ‘Is It Okay To Call You Mine’ by Paul McCrane ‘Just As I Am’ by Air Supply ‘Keep On Loving You’ by Reo Speedwagon ‘Love Can Make You Cry’ by Urgent ‘Lonely Is the Night’ by Air Supply ‘Let’s Make A Memory’ by Rex Smith ‘Lost Without Your Love’ by Bread ‘Live Without Your Love’ by Wind Jammer ‘Maybe This Time’ by Michael Murphy ‘Missing You’ by John White ‘Never Gonna Let You Go’ by Sergio Mendes ‘Now and Forever’ by Richard Marx ‘Only Reminds Me of You’ by St. Paul ‘Patience’ by Guns and Roses ‘Somewhere I Belong’ by Linkin’ Park ‘Separate Lives’ by Stephen Bishop ‘Strong, Strong Wind’ by Air Supply ‘Something to Say’ by Harem Scarem ‘Take Me I’ll Follow’ by Bobby Caldwell ‘The Search Is Over’ by Survivor ‘Two less Lonely People in the World’ by Air Supply ‘Take Me Now’ by Bread ‘Take This Love’ by Sergio Mendes ‘Upside Down’ by Two Minds Crack ‘What’s Forever for’ ‘Where Are You Now’ by Nazareth ‘What Do We Mean To Each Other’ by Sergio Mendes ‘You Are My Everything’ by Calloway ‘You’re All I Need’ by White Lion ‘Young Love’ by Air Supply
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What’s more on my ‘Kitten’ Playlist : ‘Babe’ by Styx ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over’ by Crowded House ‘Heaven Knows’ by Rick Price ‘It Must Have Been Love’ by Roxette ‘I Want To Know What Love Is’ by Foreigner ‘Love Will Keep us Alive’ by Eagles ‘Open Arms’ by Journey ‘Only You’ by Lionel Ritchie ‘Questions’ by Manfred Mann’s ‘Sweet Baby’ by Stanley Clarke & George Duke ‘Some Times Love Just Ain't Enough’ by Patty Smith feat. Don Henley ‘Simply Jesse’ by Rex Smith ‘Someone’ by Rembrandts ‘The One You Love’ by Glen Frey ‘Til They Take My Heart Away’ by Claire Marlo ‘To Love Somebody’ ‘The Flame’ by Cheap Trick ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ by White Lion ‘To Be With You’ by Mr. Big ‘We’ll Never Have To Say Goodbye Again’ by England Dan & John Ford Coley ‘Wherever You Will Go’ by The Calling ‘With or Without You’ by U2 ‘You're The Inspiration’ by Chicago ‘You'll Be Safe Here’ by Rivermaya ‘You Were There’ by Southern Sons
What’s more on our Original Playlist : ‘As I Lay Me Down’ ‘Endless Love’ ‘Goodbye Girl’ by Bread ‘Gotta Believe In Magic’ ‘Here I Am’ by Air Supply ‘How Do I Live’ ‘I Will Be Here For You’ It’d Still Be Me And You’ ‘I Wish I Could’ ‘If You’re Not Here By My Side’ by Menudo ‘I Can Wait Forever’ by Air Supply ‘I Wouldn’t Be Here If I Didn’t Love You’ ‘I’m Gonna Be Around’ ‘Just When I Needed You Most’ ‘Love Me’ ‘Love of My Life’ by Queen ‘No More Lonely Nights’ by Paul McCartney ‘My Love’ ‘Nothing To Lose’ ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You’ ‘One More Try’ ‘Please Be Careful With My Heart’ ‘Please Forgive Me’ by Bryan Adams ‘Paint My Love’ ‘Right Here Waiting’ by Richard Marx ‘Run To Me’ ‘Shower me With Your Love’ ‘Secret Lovers’ ‘Sweet Dreams’ by Air Supply ‘Time after Time’ by Tuck and Patti ‘Touch And Go’ ‘Tell Me Why’ ‘Without You’ by Nilsson ‘Wonderful Tonight’ by Eric Clapton ‘Woman’ ‘When You Say Nothing At All’ ‘When I Dream About You’ by Stevie ‘You’
I Love You If there’s one thing I should have told you’ I could have said it all myself; Mmm. But my heart is scared and don’t know what to do And it just beat a leap in front of you Refrain: So I’ll just try to let you know Ev’rything I feel through the radio ‘Cause these three words are for you So please sit down and try to listen too Chorus: I love you girl more than anyone can do I love you girl more than the world ever knew I love you girl more than my life can live I love you girl; now don’t you believe? [Repeat Chorus by Humming] If there’s someone you’ve been staying with I wish you’d take care of yourself; Mmm. ‘Cause we’re miles apart but my heart’s with you And the mem’ries we shared are there with you; Repeat Refrain Repeat Chorus
1998 “US Marshalls”, 1998 “Mercury Rising” 1998 “Zorro” 1998 “Rush Hour” 08-23-1998 “Six Days and Seven Nights” 08-21-1998 “Species II” 12-13-1998 “Soldier” 12-20-1998 “Relic III” 01-03-1999 “Jose Rizal” 01-10-1999 “The Siege” 02-22-1999 “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” “Waterboy” “Blade” “Lake Placid” “Runaway Bride” “Bone Collector” “Mighty Joe Young” “Vampire Hunters”
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