Script: Jokes
Feel free to improvise, just make sure you get the punch line right!
SFX Narrator Intro music Welcome to our joke podcast. Boy oh boy do we have jokes for you! And if you’ve had a terrible day at work, don’t worry, we’ll make it even worse. Kidding! So sit back, relax and have a laugh. Music The Scottish Student A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence during his first year. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "They're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!" "Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!" SFX Speaker 2 Boing! A Lawyer’s Perspective A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" SFX Boing!

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Speaker 3 The Miser There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." "Yes," the wife said, "I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check." SFX Speaker 4 Boing! Three Rich Brothers Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read Shakespeare, but couldn't see well anymore. So he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from Shakespeare on demand. Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"

SFX Speaker 5 Boing! Karate Dog Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Rottweiler. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little Chihuahua . Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed! The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate?" she yells. "Karate my foot!" SFX Speaker 6 Boing! The Christian Bear There was a man who one day didn’t feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead. He was out in the bush when he was approached from behind by a bear. He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he tripped over its root and fell. He looked up and the bear looked down. When the bear was about to strike at him, he put his hands together and prayed: "Dear lord, please let this bear be a Christian." The bear sat down, held the man’s hands, closed its eyes and said: "Dear Lord, Thank you for the food that I am about to receive"



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