Pre-Departure Orientation Session for Year 13 Parents

Hosted by the Secondary Counselors Tuesday 21 May, 2013 @ NIST

Kim

1. How do you feel Activity 2. Family, Change and Loss 3. University Pre-Departure Housekeeping

How do you feel?

Please think about your Year 13 child who very soon will be going off to university or another adventure Please record your thoughts on post-it notes. 1. About what do you feel happy? 2. What makes you sad or concerned? Be specific. 3. Now, think about your child. What is he/she looking forward to? 4. What is your child apprehensive about?

We expect that you are HAPPY about

The choice of university (and possibly program) is finally made My son/daughter is becoming an independent adult Academic success New opportunities and adventures for my son/daughter An opportunity to start over New friends

We expect that you are concerned about

Ill miss my child Change in family dynamics Getting a visa for my son/daughter to study abroad Paying for university Housing/room-mates/friends Academic success at university Physical safety My child getting homesick I hope my child will make good decisions (about money, drugs, dating, sex)

Jackie

Family, Change and Loss

What are some of the changes we will go through, and how do we feel about it?

Going to college is a significant milestone in the life of a family, and it brings with it a time of separation and transition, requiring an adjustment on the part of parents, the university-bound teenager, and the whole family.

The child and parents are relieved and happy that the child has been accepted into the right program, and university.

The child is excited about living on his own.

Mixed Feelings

Parents may feel unprepared or uncomfortable without their role as primary caretaker and protector. Joy may be mixed with longing as the young adult takes flight from home base.

The day we dropped my youngest off at university, I sobbed all the way home and through most of the night. Part of the sadness was that the kids were gone, but part of it was that without all of them to look after I suddenly felt old and a bit scared that Id outlived my usefulness. Brenda

Parents lost in the College Transition 3 Stages: 1. Disorientation 2. Reorientation 3. New Normal

1. Disorientation
The loss of one's normal role with others as a result of change in routine or lifestyle.
Call 2 times per day Sense of Loss Cling to the Past Over-bearing Over-involved Text 2 times per day

Video Chat everyday

The goal here is not to stop being a parent, but to evolve into becoming a parent who supportively enables and empowers their child to solve problems and understand the responsibilities of independence

2. Reorientation
A period of adjusting and redefining your position and role as a result of a change in a familiar structure or pattern.
1 Adjust to the Change

5 New Normal Occurs

2 New Boundaries Form

4 Relationship Evolves

3 Patterns emerge

As parents and children go through the trial and error of reorientation patterns, a "new normal" will occur.

3. New Normal
Acceptance of a new framework surrounding a relationship and lifestyle. Parent New patterns of independence
Child

More ownership and responsibility for their life

Advisors Mentors Yes, Friends

Look to you for support and guidance verses Someone who can fix things for them

Beware of the Fix-It" syndrome

When new college students hit a bump in the road and begin to panic, their first call or text message is often to their parents. For many parents the first instinct is to "fix-it." It is a role most parents have played in one form or another for the past 18 years. Acting out of habit, parents start making calls to the college administrators, resident advisors, and even roommates.
Kim

Empower your child to embrace their independence

For 24 hours, fight the urge to react and fix-it. Listen to your child and then take the drama out of it. Often the problem isn't as big as it first appears. Ask your child how they think they should solve the problem. Ask what resources are at the college to help them. Suggest that they put together a plan of action on their own. Let them work on the issue for 24 hours and then see how things are going.

Exception: If your child is at risk of harm

Act fast and find them the help they need. You should always have a list of emergency contacts at the college including campus security, which is reachable 24/7.

The Empty Nest

The move represents an emotional separation for both parents and child. For most, the end of high school marks the symbolic end of childhood. This phase of life, when the child moves from home, is often referred to as the empty nest.

The Empty Nest Syndrome

Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of loneliness that parents may feel when one or more of their children leave home; it is more common in women.

 A sense of loss is apparent in comments such as "it's so quiet around here" or "I can't believe how much less I spend on groceries. No longer needed in the same ways. Adjusting to being on the outside. No longer knowing the details of son's or daughter's whereabouts.
Jackie

 It is normal to feel a bit sad at this time and natural to have a cry now and then. Its normal to sit in your childs old room from time to time in an attempt to feel closer to them. My mum admits to hugging our old school clothes occasionally during the first weeks after we left home because they still smelled of us. Sometimes, though, a child leaving can act as a trigger for a deeper depression. If several months have passed, and you still feel sad and isolated, this is the time to seek professional help.

What are some of the empty nest reactions we might experience?

Take 5 minutes to share with your neighbor.

Next Chapter
Ive always heard about the Empty Nest Syndrome, but personally was looking forward to the freedom and renewal that would be mine once the kids were out on their own.
Being divorced and having to support myself didnt allow much time to think about being lonely, so as much as I love my 3 kids, it was great to be able to concentrate on ME!

Celebration
Many parents talk enthusiastically about the changesthey feel less constrained, have more free time, and no longer endure loud music or competition for the phone, computer or car. Although the job of being a parent is never done, you have reached a goal. You have raised an independent young adult, which is no easy task. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done. Take the opportunity to look at any dreams you may have put on hold. Maybe you wanted to learn to paint, write or tango. Its never too late to learn. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Perhaps this is your time to laugh and dance?

Your turn
Turn to your neighbor and brainstorm different ways to embrace the new chapter in your life 5 minutes

Brenda

Suggestions for embracing the next chapter

Correspond with the child on a regular basis. E-mail, Skype, Facebook. They are free and immediate. Make care packages for your children. (Books, toiletries, CDs, chocolate, etc.) Explore new hobbies or revisit old ones. Take up a new leisure activity. Take some time with your partner. Many couples feel a bit like strangers when their children leave. If youre a single parent, make the most of me time. Have some fun. Get everyone together for a family meal or a holiday. Youll have something to look forward to.

More
Start a new career Create your lifestyle in your own fashion Take time to pamper yourself Go back to school if thats something you feel you missed out on Take painting classes or piano lessons This is a time for YOU and you deserve to be honoured for the person you have become

You are not done with your parent role and you never will be

Share your new experiences with your child. They need to know that you are okay, so that they can feel secure and wholeheartedly embrace their next chapter.

Their Next Chapter

The transition experience

(for those of you who love graphs)
This graph provides a basic overview of the process of transition

Kim

Disorientation feeling homesick

Many students start feeling homesick around the third to sixth week of the first term. During this period, the excitement and newness of the initial college experience dies down. A sense of normalcy sets in and students start suffering from disorientation. Students start to be overwhelmed as the academic workload increases, time management becomes an issue, the previous uniqueness of a roommate is now annoying, and a functioning support system is still in its infancy. During this period many students hit the "reality wall". Some of their expectations of college life aren't what they thought and they start questioning if they chose the right college, or if they really want to be in college at all. Students show signs of frustration and depression and start wishing they could go home... back to the way things were.

It is normal
You can't fix it for your child. They are on a journey and you are along for the ride. You can support them, but in order for them to find calmer waters, they must navigate the rapids themselves. Transition stress is a normal part of college life. If homesickness is discussed prior to the student leaving for college, some of its power will be taken away and it will be less stressful for the student. Students should be supported and reminded that this is normal and "this to shall pass".

 Ask your child how they think they could make things better (without coming home). Suggest that they look for clubs and organizations to join. The more they feel part of the college community, the quicker they will embrace their new environment. Research shows that if students feel connected to the college community they are more likely to persist and graduate. Facebook does not equal community. Spending hours on Facebook with old friends isn't going to help them build the new relationships they need to succeed.

The Logistics of Going to University

What was the most challenging or difficult thing as you transitioned into college/university?
Adjusting to the culture and way of life (ways of speaking), but the transition didn't take too long. Alumni of 2011 The most challenging thing for me was the homesickness that came along with being alone at university. The first two weeks were definitely harsh, but after a while you start to become more confident and it starts to go away.. Alumni 2012 Picking new friends. There's such a big variety of people to chose from and its not like high school, you're not obliged to be around anyone you don't want to be. To find the right people to hang out with.. - Alumni of 2011 Living alone, and having to clean up after myself. You adjust to it though. I hate being messy, but I am super lazy. In Bangkok, people always cleaned up after me, but now Im living all on my own. Alumni of 2012 Jackie

Academic Success
Expect that your son/daughter will need an adjustment period and that he/she will make mistakes. Thats how we learn. Remind your child that school continues to be your childs fulltime job. Parents need to be explicit about your expectations given your substantial financial investment in their education. Be aware of what courses your son or daughter is taking and what percentage of a course load that is. Let your child know that its okay if they are struggling academically and encourage them to be honest about this with you.
It was challenging to find the motivation required to complete your assignments by yourself. There will be no external pressure generated by your teachers or parents. - Alumni of 2010

Organising my own time and getting myself to lectures on time is difficult, also doing coursework when no teachers are there to check on you. Alumni of 2010

How would you compare the amount, level and type of work at your college to that you were asked to do at NIST?

Communicating
Your son or daughter may be able to buy a new Sim Card for their cell phone OR they may need a new cell phone. (Yes! Another one.) Ask them they will know. Help them choose an affordable phone plan. Skype is great way to keep in touch with parents and friends at home. Your son/daughter can install it on your home computer. Phone cards are also an affordable way to keep in touch and can be used from the phone in the dorm room. We recommend that all students have their own laptop for university.
The most challenging thing is adjusting to life being alone. Back in Bangkok, I always had my family and friends close by. Here, there are times that I feel homesick but I cannot go back home (at least right away) like most people in my university (Skype is the best thing I can do). -Alumni of 2011

Develop a Communication Plan

Dont
Flood them with phone calls, text, emails Dont make them fell guilty for not communicating

Do
Set up a plan that lets your child know when you will communicate and how you will communicate Give them more control over the When and How to communicate

By spreading out the communication times you'll begin to break the pattern of dependence on the need for immediate and instant contact. You will also have more to talk about when you do connect. Brenda

Housing
Send in your deposit to the university to ensure that you reserve a place in the university residence Read the descriptions of the residence halls Some students will prefer same-sex dorms Most dorms are equipped with Wi-Fi, laundry facilities, common rooms with televisions At some universities, your child will need to make a choice about meal plan (full, partial or self-catered)
Being on my own, without parents is hard. So, try to help out at home, with your maids, etc. You may take it for granted at the moment, but you will be happy if you do so. Before you leave, learn how to cook, how to do wash your clothes, etc. -Alumni of 2010
Getting used to the dorm life and doing EVERYTHING yourself; laundry, cleaning, etc. etc. BEWARE of this!. -Alumni of 2012

Room-mates
This may be the first time your child had had a room-mate. Although sharing a room with another person can be pretty traumatic, this person could also turn out to be your childs best friend in the world! Encourage your child to keep an open mind about their relationship with the new room mate. Its totally okay if they are just room-mates. There is no reliable method for matching room-mates. Encourage your child to tell the truth on the housing questionnaire and leave the rest to the fates. There are people in Residence Life (RAs, Dons) whose job it is to help with settling-in issues like room-mate conflicts
The dorms are awesome, fun and are a great experience. I met most of my friends in the dorms. It also teaches you how to deal with people and manage many different personalities. Also, it slowly eases you into college life; it helps you adjust into college life. - Alumni of 2011

Money
Make sure that you understand the fees for a full year = tuition, room and board, student fees, textbooks and spending money Decide, with your family, how much spending money your son/daughter will receive each month. It may be best to send this via a monthly bank transfer. (This costs 300 Baht per transaction with SBC) Your son or daughter will need to open a bank account in their new city Talk with your son or daughter about creating and sticking to a budget. This can be really difficult for some students. Some students will be ready for a credit card while others will not
Coping with having to fend for yourself is hard. Filing tax returns, setting up bank accounts, establishing credit, paying rent, etc., are all things people tend to learn around college time and this represents a large step from their time in high school. Alumni of 2010

Packing
What to take and what to leave
The decision about what to take to university is going to vary wildly from student to student! Some students will take two suitcases worth of clothes and others will need extra bags. (Take it on the plane!) Take a camera, laptop and appropriate adaptors Students can buy items such as bed linens, toiletries and a dock for their i-pod (& other electronics) when they arrive at university Many students will want to pack some personal mementos such as photographs, cards, teddy bear etc. This is completely healthy and will help them feel more secure If your child is moving to a cold climate, they should buy their winter coat there - not in South East Asia!

Physical Safety
It is completely normal for you to be worried about your son or daughters safety and security. Thats your job except that now youll be doing that from a distance. Be assured that all of your children are moving to relatively safe and stable countries Try to remind yourself that the media almost always makes things seem worse than they are Trust your childs decision-making skills unless there is evidence that you should not! Set up a time for a weekly conversation. E-mail is great but hearing your childs voice is better.
My school has a ton of options for safe travelling around campus - we have a campus cruiser service, escort (walking you to places) service, security to access buildings, university security surrounding campus, and a department of public safety always patrolling. - Alumni of 2010 Kim

Student Visa
Carefully read every piece of mail and each e-mail that you receive from the university Look after tasks involving the students visa (I-20 in the USA) immediately Know that most students have no difficulties with their student visa and, if you do encounter problems, the university admissions staff will do whatever they can to help. They are committed to getting your child to their country in order to study. When in doubt, ask for help!

What university-bound kids need:

Basic laundry and dishwashing skills Rituals to say good-bye to their home and family Research in order to be prepared for their move Control over some of the decisions being made about their move To be loved unconditionally

Thanks!

Good Luck!