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Rodney Ohebsion The Pathophysiology of Bob's Pizzeria

Two billion people use computers. Some of them are like that cousin of yours who can easily create email groups, download songs, upload photos, edit videos, and do a million other things. But most computer users are kind of like that aunt of yours who thinks the only way to turn off a computer is by unplugging it, and that half of the keys on a keyboard are just there for decoration, like parsley. And for some reason, almost all computer programs are made for your cousin, and not your aunt. It's like the computer industry is saying, "We won't even put out a program unless we're convinced your aunt will have absolutely no idea how to use it. You can always count on us to confuse the shit out of your aunt, and over a billion other computer users." This all started in the 70s. Bill Gates thought, "I can't stand my Aunt Gina. I want to torture her. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make it so that everyone in the world uses a personal computer. But I'm not going to let any company make a program that's easy for Aunt Gina to use. That'll teach her not to give me socks for Christmas." This is all part of Bill Gates's feud with his Aunt Gina. I actually had a meeting with a computer company the other day, and I pitched an idea for a user friendly computer. A computer for people who don't know shit about computers. That's the name of the computer. Instead of iMac or Dell, it's called "A Computer For People Who Don't Know Shit About Computers." The main screen has 20 links. They say things like "Click here to turn off your computer." "Click here to check your emails." "Click here to find

a phone number and address." And "Click here if you want to watch a video on the internet." And our ads will say, "This is the only computer that's 100% compatible with your aunt." Sometimes the internet is even worse than a confusing computer program. Case in point: "Carpal tunnel syndrome is idiopathic median neuropathy at the carpal tunnel. The pathophysiology is not completely understood but can be considered compression of the median nerve traveling through the carpal tunnel." That's the introduction in Wikipedia's article on carpal tunnel syndrome. In what universe is something like that an introduction to a topic? If there were a Wikipedia skydiving school, here's what they'd do to new students on day one: they'd slip them a roofie and make them unconscious, put a parachute on their backs, blindfold them, fly them up 30,000 feet in Afghanistan, wait for them to regain consciousness, and then say, " This is your introduction to skydiving. We're going to throw you out of this fucking plane, and make you find your way back to America. And just to make things easy for you, we put a bus schedule and an Afghani-to-English dictionary in your pockets. Oh yeah. Don't forget to donate money to the Wikipedia Skydiving School. We rely on donations from people like you, asshole." I think Wikipedia's introduction to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is useless to everyone, except for one small group: people who think, "I just finished a 1200 page book on Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Now for my final exam, I'll read the first paragraph of Wikipedia's article on Carpal Tunnel Syndrome--and if I understand it, I'll give myself a Master's degree in Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from UCWI: The University of Confusing Wikipedia Intros." Some of Wikipedia's content is pretty confusing. But at least the site itself isn't confusing. Unlike Twitter. Twitter's a site that's mentioned a lot almost everywhere--but it's not something that many people actually use. For every ten people on Facebook, there's only one person on Twitter. And if you're not familiar with Twitter, it can be hard to figure out what it is. Imagine going there, and coming across Kim Kardashian's name and picture, and this text next to it: "Shortened Koko to kokes...she calls me Keeks now,

short for Kiki... RT @KardashianNavy- I love Kim's nickname for Khloe! #kokes." If you don't know much about Twitter, you'll probably end up thinking that's some sort of code that means we're going to attack the British tomorrow at noon. "Are we going to do it by air or by sea? I better check Paul Revere's Twitter." To a lot of people, Twitter is almost as meaningless Wikipedia's intro to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. And for some reason, Twitter doesn't go out of its way to tell you what its site is and how to use it. But some other sites are the exact opposite. Most notably, Over there, the top of every page has a link that says, "What is this?" And guess what happens when you click on that link? It takes you to a page that tells you what the site is and how to use it. The computer and internet industries have millions of employees getting paid billions of dollars. And yet, a comedian named Jerry Seinfeld has done what 99.9% of them haven't: he's put together something that's compatible with your aunt. If Jerry's not too busy coming up with jokes on cereal, he should be the CEO of Twitter, Wikipedia, and Microsoft. For those of you who don't know much about Twitter, it's a site that lets you post messages--as long as those messages don't go over 140 characters. In other words, Twitter constantly tells you to talk less. [You:] "And that's when he took out a ring, got on one knee, and..." [Twitter:] "OK. Shut up. You've reached your limit." Then Twitter will contact that woman's finacee, and tell him, "You finacee is way too talkative. Take back her ring, and spend the money on a 140 character girlfriend." It takes an hour to figure out what Twitter is--and a few hundred more hours to figure out why people use it. And then of course, there's the search engine Bing. It's confusing for another reason. Even though Bing is ranked as one of the 20 most popular sites on the internet, no one has ever actually seen someone using it. Bing has tens of millions of users--none of whom seem to exist. [Jerry Seinfeld:] "Who are

these people? They must be from the Bizarro World--where people use Bing instead of Google." Here's how most people find out about Bing: they Google the words "most popular websites," and see that Bing is number 18 on the list. Google is synonymous with web searching. "Google it." As for Bing, very few people have even heard of it. If you go around talking about Binging things, most people will look at you like you're from the Bizarro World. Or even worse, they'll think, "I asked this guy about daycare centers, and he told me, 'Just bing it.' I don't know what that means--but it sounds like something that involves molesting children. I'm going to call the police." And then a few months later, a judge will tell you, "I hereby sentence you to five years in prison for first degree binging. I still don't know what binging is--but I know that I don't want some binger like you anywhere near a kindergarten." Google is by far and away my favorite website--and almost everybody else's. You're never happier to see blank white space than when you're on Google's homepage. Even Louis Farrakhan loves Google's whiteness. If you're looking for a song, you don't know the artist or title, and you can hardly remember any of the lyrics, it doesn't matter. Google will tell you what song you're looking for. It's like a magic trick. You enter the little you know about the song, and then Google says, "Is this your song?" "Yes--it is! How the hell did you know that? I hardly told you anything." Unfortunately, most people use the power of Google for other things. They type "tattoo" "butterfly" "tall" "brunette" "mature" "porn." Enter. [Google:] "Is this your porn star?" [User:] "Yes. How did you know?" [Google:] "We're Google. We know everything. We know what song you're looking for. We know what porn star you're looking for. " Sometimes it seems like Google makes things too easy. If you want directions to Bob's Pizzeria, all you need to do is type in "PIZ"--and Google will do the rest. "Based on what we know about you, it sounds like you're searching for Bob's Pizzeria. Here's the phone number, address, directions, menu, hours of operation, and the number of urinals in their men's room. And if you want, we'll drive you there, and we'll chew the pizza for you. And we'll do your taxes. And we'll tell your neighbor to mow his lawn, and stop playing loud techno music in the morning. We hate that asshole as much as you do. "

That other day, I heard a woman yelling at her husband, "When I talk to you, you ignore me. But when I give Google a few letters, it gives me 173 million results about what I want. And Google constantly upgrades itself-but you're just sticking with Bob Version Alcoholic. If you don't stop drinking and you don't start listening to me, I'm leaving you. Thanks to Google, I'm only one click away from filing for a divorce." And then the husband replied, "I wish I could click something to make you stop talking. Listening to you nag all day is giving my ears carpal tunnel syndrome. Maybe I should go to Twitter, and replace you with a 140 character girlfriend." Google is my number one destination on the internet. But one time, I decided to get directions from another website, just to test it out. I entered "123 Oak St. Los Angeles CA to 456 Main St. Los Angeles CA." And this is what I got: "Take Main Street 1 mile to Hill Avenue. Then you'll see my cousin JT standing next to an El Pollo Loco. He'll give you the rest of the directions. He also sells marijuana. If you want crack, you're gonna have to drive another mile on Main Street, to my cousin C-Money. He's standing outside of a Chuck E. Cheese's. "
Even though Google is on top right now, it might not stay there for long. On the internet, sites go from popular to unpopular very quickly. Excite, Lycos, Friendster, Digg, Chatroulette. In the world's only textbook on Internet History, there's an Ancient History section covers things like the fall of MySpace, and there's a Myths and Legends chapter about anything from the pre-Google era. "According to a Nerdic legend, there was a search engine called AltaVista, and a browser known as Netscape. And 80% of internet activity consisted of someone waiting a half hour to download a picture of Pamela Anderson." And then of course, there's AOL. It has a strange place in internet history. It still exists--but many people are surprised it does. When someone tells people that he uses AOL, they say, "Is your computer stuck in 1972? Do you also wear polyester and drive a Ford Pinto?"

I think it's hard for some AOL users to stop using it. They have to change their email address, and get used to a new program. But at least nowadays, they're three clicks away from cancelling their accounts. Five or ten years ago, cancelling your AOL account was like trying to leave the mafia. "Once you've got mail, you've got mail for life. Capiche?" They wouldn't even let people cancel their accounts online. "AOL," they shouted. "America Online. You can do anything online." But as soon as anyone said, "Can I cancel my account online?" they replied, "No. Call us up." [Customer:] "I'd like to cancel my AOL account." [AOL:] "OK. What's your email address?" [Customer:] "" [AOL:] "OK. Well, we actually have a special offer for you." [Customer:] "No thanks. I don't want AOL." [AOL:] "Alright. Now, I can do one of two things for you. I can either cancel your account, or I can give you three free months of service." [Customer:] "I don't want AOL. It doesn't matter if it's free." [AOL:] "OK, great. So I can do one of three things for you. I can cancel your account, I can give you three free months, or I can give you nine months for just $5 per month." [Customer:] "You're not listening. I don't want AOL. I don't want it if it's discounted. I don't want if it's free. I do not want it on a train. I do not want it on a plane." [AOL:] "OK, great. May I ask why you want to cancel your account?" [Customer:] "Because I don't need it." (20 minutes later) [Customer:] "I just want you to cancel my account. That's it." [AOL:] "Well, let me just say this: I can give you 15 months for just $6 per month--plus, I'll come to your home, play some Yanni songs, and give you a Swedish massage." [Customer:] "No--I don't want you to give me a Swedish massage." [AOL:] "OK--how about a Japanese massage? Shiatsu. It's very relaxing. It'll really put you in the mood to go through your emails." (another 20 minutes later) [Customer:] "Please stop talking." [AOL:] "I can give you 6 free months, and 7 more months for just $8 a month, and 9 CDs for just 1 penny, and 2 Deluxe Slapchops for just 3 easy payments of $4.56, and..." [Customer:] "OK. You win. I accept." [AOL:] "Alright. Thank you for choosing AOL." [Customer:] "Go fuck yourself."


Believe it or not, AOL was worth $200 billion during the dot com boom. Back around the year 2000, the internet equaled money. No one knew why. "In financial news, a local fisherman sold ten of his trout on the internet--and 20 minutes later, some investors bought his company for $100 million. And in related news, AOL's stock price went up from $100 to $120, after the company emphasized that 'OL' stands for 'online.' And Kellogg's shares went up from $50 to $100, after the company's CEO said, 'I like the internet.'" Then the dot com bubble burst. Most internet stocks became worthless. went from a multimillion dollar company to a pile of rotten fish. "In financial news, AOL's stock price went down from 12 cents to 10 cents, because AOL is garbage, and internet stocks are shit." Do a lot of people make money on the internet nowadays? What about all of those websites that have a hundred mile long sales pitch for a $50 ebook? Do they make money? I don't think so. I mean, their ebook isn't $200. They crossed that price out. It's just $50. And they also include $1000 worth of free bonus ebooks. Whenever I come across an offer like that, I email the site's owner and say, "$50? Can I pay you $100? You should get at least that much. I mean, your ebook is going to teach me how to be invisible, and your free bonuses are going to show me how to make my wife stop nagging." Sometimes when you leave a site like that, it stops you, and a confirmation box asks, "Are you sure you want to leave? I'm asking you. You said you wanted to leave. Are you sure? Think about it." Does that ever work? Does anyone ever say, "You know what? You're right! I don't want to leave. What was I thinking? Why would I want to leave your piece of shit website? This is where I belong. Now what were you saying about curing cancer with radishes?" I don't know if that "are you sure" strategy works online. But it does work offline. "Are you sure you want to leave Wal-Mart? We sell 12 packs of beer for just 44 cents." "Are you sure you don't want to go to my apartment? In case you didn't realize it, you're drunk. And I'm rich. If you don't believe me, take a look at my cufflinks. Pay no attention to the Honda Civic I drive." Instead of asking if you want to leave a website that sells $50 ebooks, a computer should ask you to confirm some of your other decisions. "Are you sure you want to spend another five hours playing Farmville?" "Are you sure you want to call your friend an asshole on Facebook?"

And Google should follow you around when you're not on your computer. "Are you sure you want to join the Nation of Islam? You do realize you're white?" "Are you sure you want to go to that guy's apartment? He's not rich. And his cufflinks are made of plastic."

Some sites are so addictive, that when we try to leave them, we stop ourselves and ask if we're sure. "Are you sure you want to leave YouTube? There are 100,000 cat videos you haven't seen yet." " People love watching videos at YouTube. But most of them can't stand the comments posted on YouTube. Comments like: "This is real music. Unlike all of the garbage that's put out today. Fuck Lil Wayne!" "Do you realize that you're fat?" "If more people smoked weed, there wouldn't be a recession right now." "Kill yourself, you dumb bitch." "We have the second amendment right to walk around with machine guns, and point them at the President. Without machines guns, there's no checks and balances." "Everyone knows that Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jews. I've been in the industry for 20 years--and Steven Spielberg has tried to molest me every single day." "I like cheese." "Oh--you like cheese? Well, fuck you and your cheese! I'll bet you voted for that war criminal President of ours--you cheese-liking piece of shit." Even if Gandhi and Martin Luther King were to post comments on YouTube, Gandhi would call King "Martin Doucher Queen," and King would call Gandhi a "faggy Indian anorexic." It's a YouTube custom. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When on YouTube, call someone fat, faggy, or douchey. "Abandon civility, all ye who comment here." Hundreds of years ago, the invention of the printing press allowed the world to copy books quickly and easily. And that led to things like the Age of Enlightenment, the Industrial Revolution, and the Technological Revolution. Then around 2000, the internet made it a million times quicker and easier for people to copy, distribute, and access text, as well as audio, images, and video.

There were a half a billion people back in 1500 when the world only had printing presses. And there are 7 billion people right now in a world with the internet. That makes you think we're on our way to some sort of Cultural, Spiritual, Industrial, and Technological Enlightenment Revolution Extravaganza. But then you go through a few comments on a popular site like YouTube or Facebook. And all of a sudden, you're not thinking about a Cultural, Spiritual, Industrial, and Technological Enlightenment Revolution Extravaganza anymore. In fact, you're surprised that the internet hasn't led to the complete annihilation of mankind. After all, 70% of YouTube comments and 20% of Facebook comments point directly to World War III. There's no way you can read those comments, and then not think, "Everyone's going to kill everyone by next Wednesday." If someone had used Gutenberg's first printing press to print the type of stuff we see nowadays on YouTube and Facebook, Gutenberg himself would've burned that material, and then completely annihilated the printing press. And nowadays, a lot of us want to do something like that after reading some YouTube and Facebook comments on the internet. There's even a popular program that hides YouTube comments on your computer. After you install the program and go to YouTube, each video's comments are gone. Someone created a program just for that. And hundreds of thousands of people downloaded it and use it. People who think, "It's not enough to just not read YouTube comments. Those comments are infidels, I'm on a holy war--and my motto is 'Death to the infidels!'" When computers were being developed, did anyone think that such great technology would lead to to things like YouTube comments and a YouTube comment hider? Yes. Believe it or not, most of what we do online was predicted a while ago. I was browsing around YouTube the other day, and I came across a 1958 video of a computer programmer who said, "Five decades from now, most of us will have our own computers--and they'll be connected to a universal system containing everyone's text, images, audio, and videos. And of course, people will use that system to tell each other things like, 'Kill yourself, you Jew nigger faggot bitch motherfucking Republican Israel loving overweight son of a bitch bastard piece of shit.' So we'll have to create a

program that'll hide all of that on someone's computer. That's the future of computing. A content hider." Has Been Replaced with Now.opinion

In normal life, most people often think something like, "My boss is a crazy bitch, my coworker's political views are freakin' stupid, and that guy sitting over there is a fat ass. But if I call my boss a crazy bitch, I'll get fired; if I criticize my coworker's politics , he'll hate me; and if I tell that fat ass to stop being such a fat ass, he'll want to fight me. I gotta keep things to myself. There's a limit to what I can get away with. I actually have to compliment my crazy bitch boss every once in a while, listen to my coworker talk about politics a few minutes a day, and serve that fat ass the ten pancakes he ordered." It's like people are insult factories. They manufacture 1000 insults a day--and they have to throw away about 999 of them. Actually, it's more like people have an insult card with a spending limit. But on the internet, things are different. Everyone has an insult card with no spending limit, they don't have to pay their bills--and for some reason, most people are convinced there's a rewards program. They think, "Whenever I go to YouTube and tell a fat Republican bitch to go fuck herself, I get a free plane ticket. I'm gonna take a free trip around the world. A lot of the internet comes down to something like, "You disagree with me when it comes to [insert topic here]? Interesting. OK. I want you to die. You're the most vile, disgusting, detestable piece of shit in the world. As evidenced by the fact that you disagree with me when it comes to [insert topic here]. Let's fight to the death. You should be prepared to die for your beliefs about [insert topic here]." Internet debates are amazing. A lot of the best ones are at IMDB's message board. It's a place for discussing movies and TV shows. Sort of. [Person 1:] "Arrested Development is the greatest sitcom ever." [Person 2:] "You know

what? It's good--but I don't love it. I really like it. But I don't love it. You think it's the greatest sitcom ever. But you're wrong. It's good--but it's not that good. Sometimes it's kind of stupid." [Person 1:] "You sir, have insulted me. I challenge you to a duel!" CHING CHING CHING CHING. That turned into a 87 comment duel about Arrested Development, as well as health care, communism, Israel, and Justin Bieber. When Jeffrey Tambour was making episodes of Arrested Development, little did he know that his mustache would lead to a 10,000 word IMDB dissertation on the quality of Cuban healthcare, and a 20,000 word dissertation on how a user named Obamination2012 has a terrible sense of humor, and should "stick to watching Larry the Cable Guy." It's not just IMDB. Even at a Harvard science forum, two people will declare their undying hatred for one another, due to a disagreement about quantum physics, communism, Israel, and Justin Bieber. "Listen. String theory is flawed, Cuba is a great country, Israel should give back more land, Justin Bieber is a fucking fag, and I'm pretty sure you're a fat Republican bitch who watches Fox News and Larry the Cable Guy!" And almost all of this content is saved. What would the internet be like now if it had been invented thousands of years ago? Just imagine going to one of Jesus's YouTube videos, and seeing a 2 millennium old comment someone left for Jesus. July 3, 30 AD. "Nice religion, loser. Do you actually think the world's going to listen to some bearded Jewish lunatic who builds shelves, talks about mustard seeds, and can't even afford sneakers? By the way--I can walk on water much better than you can. You don't even do it right. You're like that other loser on YouTube who does 100 pull ups, but only goes 98% of the way down. Those aren't real pull ups. They don't count. There's no way your religion is ever going to take off. You only have 12 followers right now--and once you die, the world will be like, 'Whatever. He's dead. That's the end of the movement.' Dude--instead of posting videos where you walk on water or preach on a mountain, how about you make one of you crucifying yourself?" Jesus would've responded with something very kind and Christian like--only to be insulted again. And then after a few more rounds of comments, Jesus would've converted that guy to Christianity. Because there aren't too many Christian-like people on the internet. I've never seen an exchange like: [Person

1:] "Drop dead, douche." [Person 2:] "I love you." We need some sort of a modern internet Jesus. He should go from website to website, just like Jesus went from town to town. He should start with IMDB. Not only are people on the internet offensive, they're also easily offended. But they have weird standards. Go to YouTube, and you'll see some good examples. A dog getting beaten up by a deer? "Offensive. This video is offensive. Take it down, you fat Republican bitch." A 3 year old girl getting kicked in the head by a horse? "Hilarious. Thumbs up. Make more videos like this one. I love the part where the girl gets kicked in the head by the horse. That horse is awesome--and the little girl is a dumb bitch. I'll bet she supports that war criminal President of ours." It's like the internet is saying, "If you want to show someone getting hurt, it better be a 3 year old girl, and not a dog. And definitely not a cat. Cats on the internet are like cows in India. They're sacred." The internet is filled with cats, offenses, insults, and opinions. But one thing it lacks is patience. We've become used to having instant access to a lot of things. The internet is making people less and less patient--and if we don't start some sort of patience conservationist movement, then pretty soon people will start saying things like, "Arrested Development 3 is the worst movie ever. Part 1 is awesome, Part 2 is pretty good, and Part 3 is shit. I don't care if none of those movies have actually been made yet. It doesn't matter. Part 3 ruins the entire trilogy."

Good For You, Tim

Tim Berners-Lee developed the world wide web and then gave it away for free. That's impressive. I like him. But he thinks he's so cool. His mother also seems pretty impressed. She always calls up my mother and brags. No matter what they're talking about, his mother somehow ends up mentioning how Tim invented the web. She says something like, "...and I found the address online. By the way, my son created that entire system. He invented the world wide web. The most important invention in human history. I just thought I'd bring that up, in case you forgot. So what has your son been up to? Is he still making jokes about valet parking?"

Big deal, Mrs. Berners-Lee. So your son created the web. Don't forget about the porn. Someone should remind her. "Your son invented the web? Congratulations. That led to the distribution of 5 trillion millajigabytes of porn a second." Is there such thing as a millajigabyte? I think so. We had to invent a new unit of measurement for internet porn. Before, we had gigabytes and terabytes. But now we have millajigabytes. Because of the porn. And because of Tim BernesLee. Good for you, Tim. You let us distribute more porn, you increased the limit on our insult cards, you facilitated a billion pointless debates about everything known to man, you killed patience, and you convinced people that they should laugh when little girls get kicked by a horse. And don't forget about the upcoming "World War III--brought to you by Tim Berners-Lee's world wide web." That's your contribution to society. Enjoy your legacy. At least my valet parking jokes aren't going to start any wars.