**************************************************************** Supplemental LOCO AND DISSENT Calendar Sunday, May 26, 2013 12:01 A.M.

**************************************************************** ******** LOCAL, CONSENT, AND RESOLUTIONS CALENDAR ******** THIRD READING HR 1883 Raymond / Pickett / et al. Congratulating all you freshmen who attended the University of Texas at A&M on filing bills this session that cut taxes, create jobs, secure the border, and provide more local control; now step aside and let the big dogs work. HR 44 The Freshmen Observing that, for the life of us, we cannot remember what made us  think  that  we  were  wise,  and  we’d  never  compromise. Amendment by the Redshirt Freshmen Just so we're clear, we're not with these dudes. HR Adios Strama / Eiland Recognizing that  this  job  is  a  lot  easier  when  you  aren’t  going   to run again. HR 36-24-36 S. Davis of Harass Recognizing that I'm always making a face that looks like I smell a fart because I'm tired of being ogled. HR 41B Farias Recognizing February 22nd as Harlem Shake Day; honoring their Globetrotters. HR Desk 49 by Kuempel Congratulating Ralph Sheffield on finally spitting out one complete  sentence  from  the  Speaker’s  chair  by  the  end  of   session; Griesel, you should be ashamed of yourself for putting that poor man through that, he looks like he leaves a puddle under the Speaker’s  chair every time he heads back to his desk. HR 88 Johnson Congratulating me for doing a better Royce West than Royce West. HR Hasbro Moody / Naishtat / Laubenberg Putting  Joe’s  glasses,  Elliott’s  ties,  Jodie’s  (frequently   missing) shoes, and the hat left behind by Al Edwards on Ryan Guillen to designate him the official Mr. Potato Head of Texas. HR 1992 Canales / Right Said Fred Congratulating me because I'm a model, you know what I mean, and I do my little turn at the back mic, yeah on the back mic, yeah on the back mic, yeah, I do my little turn on the back mic. HR 2003 The Ardmore House Ds Commemorating the 10th anniversary of our glorious revolution; recognizing us for sticking it to the Man when we were relevant. Amendment by Why-vonne The only constructive thing Ds did this session was haze freshman,  and  I  can’t  even  take  credit  for  that. HR 1st Place Raymond / Fallon Recognizing  “Wu’s  on  first?”  as  this  year’s  best  hazing;;   providing a consolation prize to the huge Canales poster; if it hadn’t  scared  the  crap  out  of  us,  you  might’ve  won. HR Parliamentary Inquiry Herrero Recognizing me as the most ungrateful of committee chairman who is never afraid to yell at the leadership from the back mic; chalk this one up as a self-inflicted wound, Mr. Speaker. 1

HR 80 Howard Formally apologizing to the 1980s for the theft of its hair. Amendment by Alvarado Donna, you told me people  would  dig  my  new  ‘do! ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 12:41 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment providing for the voters to take the heat on raising revenue because the Tea Party will have our asses in a sling if we do it ourselves. ******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ******** LOCAL, CONSENT, AND RESOLUTIONS CALENDAR THIRD READING HR Reading Rainbow Brunettie Honoring nurse anes-anes-uh  …  an-es-easy-ests Amendment by King of Taylor I don't even know what that means. Amendment by Blondie No  one  knows  what  it  means,  but  it's  provocative  … Amendment by King of Taylor No it's not; it's gross— Amendment by Blondie It gets the people going! SB .45 Senate Republicans SP: Pickett Relating to openly carrying a high-capacity machine gun with extra clips on a preschool campus regardless of what the feds say; extending an invitation to come and take it! SB 65° The Dew Relating to the temperature of the Senate chamber being low enough to chill the cold-blooded reptiles in the Capitol press corps who fawned over Ted Cruz. SB 101 Beavers Campbell / De Vil Relating to me having to wearing my woven beaver coat in the Senate chamber because the Sergeant-At-Arms made me leave my Dalmatian puppy coat in my office. SB 141 Huffman SP: S. Davis of Harris Relating to the requirements for issuance of a license to Ruth(less) Jones McClendon to kill all my bills.
 Rep. Schaefer raises a point of order against further consideration of this bill because it licenses something better handled by the free market. The point is disrespectfully  overruled  because  we’re  sick  of  his  act.

Amendment by McClendon Let's add a commission to investigate why Joan Huffman is such a bitch and to provide me with a chair at the back mic so I can lay waste to her agenda in comfort. SB 303 Deuell SP: King of Taylor Relating to Texas Right to Life executing an advance directive on our bill; providing that they should remember the adage, “Half  a  loaf  is  better  than  none.” 2

******** MAJOR STATE CALENDAR ******** SENATE BILLS SECOND READING SB 1 Williams SP: Pitts Relating to, ain't nobody got time for public education. Amendment by Democrats Ain't nobody got time for water. Amendment by Republicans Well, there is always money in the banana stand. Amendment by Tea Party Ain't nobody got time for us. *sad, head-hung Charlie Brown walk* SB 24 Hinojosa SP: Oliveira Relating to the creation of a new university in South Texas; naming the smallest  restroom  under  the  stairs  to  the  janitor’s   closet  as  “El  Baňo  de  Walle.” SB 346 Seliger SP: Geren Relating to white hoods, dark money, and the official reclassification of a certain political operative who likes to email and tweet b.s. about our bill as a LOSER—so get the Wall Street Journal to print that, punk. (Damn. Never mind.) SB 484 Turner of Harris Relating to going and telling it on the mountain—it’s  hell  to  be   po’  in  Texas,  and  yes,  I  said  it  exactly  as  I  meant  to! Amendment by Thompson of Harris Why are you doing what the Senate wants? modern-day sex slaves? Amendment by House Democrats It's scary when mom and dad fight. SB 515 Eltife SP: Smith of Harris Relating to neither of us ever having to pay for a malt liquor, ale, or beer at any brewpub in Texas ever again. SB 549 Williams SP: Carter Relating to  penalties  for  killing  the  Senate  Finance  Chairman’s   bill,  and  if  you  keep  asking  me  questions  about  it,  I’m  going  to   call him over here to answer them because I only sponsored it for  the  same  reason  you  are  going  to  vote  for  it  …  did  I  mention   this is Chairman  Williams’  bill? SB 791 Seliger SP: Darby Regulating the low-level radioactive waste substances contained in  Lon  Burnam’s  moustache. SB 1700 Taylor Relating to the continued operation of the Steve Mostyn Windstorm Insurance Association. ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 1:12 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment providing for the Tea Party members to pretend like they really matter in the House. 3 Are you creating

******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ******** MAJOR STATE CALENDAR SENATE BILLS SECOND READING SB 219 Huffman SP: Bonnen of Brazoria Relating to ethics and Dennis Bonnen being in the same sentence without anyone laughing (you’ve  come  a  long  way,  Bon-Bons!). Amendment by King of Parker Seriously, this is Texas; can’t  we get rid of that drunken lady DA? I’ll  get  you  next  time,  Lehmberg.    Next  time! Amendment by Fallon Oooooh, so that is why a freshman gets stuck with this stupid PIU bill every session. ******** MAJOR STATE CALENDAR ******** HOUSE BILLS SECOND READING HB $140,000 Craddick / Thompson of Harris / Dutton / Oliveira / Smithee / et al. Relating to us pocketing another $10-$15k/year in pension payments  and  we  don’t  care  who  knows. Amendment by Isaac Amending the bill to  cut  us  out  of  the  judge’s  raise  and   force everyone to take a vote no one wants to take. Amendment by Callegari / Turner of Harris Amending the bill to ensure no one from HD-45 is ever eligible for a state pension. Amendment by Thompson of Harris Let this little dog eat! ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 2:03 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment providing for someone getting control of the Tea Party freshmen so we can vote this thing out and pass the buck to the voters. ******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ******** GENERAL STATE CALENDAR HOUSE BILLS SECOND READING HB 0 Farrar / Krause / Miles / Turner of Collin Relating to us finally passing exactly zero bills this session, which is probably a good thing for the State of Texas. HB One Ring Sheets / Baggins Relating to having a game of riddles, and if I win, you show my bill the way out of the House. HB 24 Zedler Relating to tolerance, understanding, and equality. Amendment by M. González of El Paso Taste the rainbow. Amendment by Zedler Do I have to have to pluck out my eyes now (Mark 9:47)? 4

HB 140 @GeneforTexas Relating to being more effective on Twitter than on the floor; providing that if I kept my remarks at the mic to 140 characters, I would be unstoppable. Amendment by Wu So enjoy 140 characters of cash ruling everything around me, C.R.E.A.M., getting the money, and dolla dolla bill, y'all. #36Chambers #ripODB HB 365/24/7 Taylor Relating to definitions of days, when a day isn't a day, and what would a day be without being dissed by the Speaker Pro Tem.
 Rep. McClendon moves to reconsider and table this bill; the motion is GRANTED by acclimation, because what goes around comes around, Van;;  haven’t  you  learned  that  yet?

HB 420 Dutton Relating to expecting the chickens coming home to roost and getting respect from the Senate by any means necessary. Amendment by Dutton Seriously, I have a freakin' soon-to-be-legal switchblade. HB 508 Guillen / Springer / Eiland / Clardy Relating to us carrying concealed handguns so that we can defend ourselves from constituents who are pissed off that we voted ourselves a right to carry where they cannot. HB 950 Thompson of Harris Relating to the Lilly Ledbetter Act, and how if I had a hammer, I’d  hammer  Estes’  bills  in  the  morning,  I’d  hammer  Estes’  bills   in  the  evening,  I’d  hammer  Estes’  bills  all  over  this  land. HB Dr. No Schaefer Relating to winning friends and influencing people. HB 2nd Amendment Krause / Creighton / Toth / et al. Relating to enforcing certain federal (immigration) laws but not others federal (firearm) laws within the State of Texas. HB 1338 Button Relating to Doctor Jones; allotting no time for love. HB It Goes To 11 Miles Relating to me grabbing the back mic whenever the hell I feel like it and yelling like a drunken best man at a bad wedding. HB .164 N. Gonzalez of El Paso Relating to four Cs and an F; seeking reelection as the president of Delta House. Amendment by Márquez Who taught you how to do this stuff? Answer me!

Amendment by N. Gonzalez of El Paso You, alright?! I learned it by watching you! Amendment by Chavez No mames guey? Pinchi guera was hammered on the House floor when she got Freshman of the Year from MALC and LSG. I'm coming for you chica! HB 2268 Frullo Relating to issuing search warrants for evidence of any signs of intelligence in the tin-foil-hat-wearing Tea Party freshmen. HB Enough! Emma / Chelsea / Justin / Mallory / et al. Relating to a subsequent ban on naming any more bills after kids because,  after  all,  isn’t  everything  we  do  here  “for  the   children”? 5

HB 1819 Kacal Relating to liability for injuring a trespassing sheep or goat. (No  joke,  we  can’t  top  that  one.) HB (.)(.) Martinez Fischer Relating to frequent ominous nipple-tweaking; expanding said nipples into two points of order when necessary. HB 2881 Toth Relating to the creation of a task force to reduce habitual incidents of babbling at the front mic while laying out my first bill, and, uh, move,  uh,  …  I  make  …  uh  …  message  passage! HB 123 St_ickland Relating to higher education and well-tailored suits; bad bill! HB a2+b2=c2 Aycock Relating to finding out who put all these alphabets in my maths. Amendment by Patrick It was CSCOPE! HB 1972 Don Capriglione Relating to an offer you can't refuse and beating a dead horse of a joke; leaving said horse's head on the Speaker's bed while he sleeps next time he sends goons to keep me off the back mic. HB s10w McClendon Relating to the regulation of auctioneers; establishing the speed of paint drying as a uniform verbal metric in this state. ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 3:33 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment issuing an Amber Alert for the missing backbone the House needs to pass this resolution. ******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ******** GENERAL STATE CALENDAR HOUSE BILLS SECOND READING HB 5kyn3t Gooden / Riddle / Burnam / Fallon / St_ickland / et al. Relating to this being like the Terminator!  It’s  cyclical,   right? The drones send Schwarzenegger back to kill Sarah Connor so that John Connor can never be born, but  if  John  Connor  don’t   send Michael Biehn back to protect her, then they never f***, and John Connor ain't born in the first place! HB 580 Canales Relating to me having, like, 580 firearms, and how mi familia gives and trades them like Easter candy, and admitting that most of  them  came  from  Obama’s  Fast  &  Furious  program. Amendment by Dukes What did you say about my president?! You pink-ass corrupt honky judge, take your little wet noodle outta here and if you see a man anywhere send him in because I do need a MAN! Amendment by Canales Who you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco? Amendment by Riddle If you two had a baby, it would be the hottest, craziest anchor baby on the planet, and I would name  it  T’Dawnerry  Dukanales. 6

HB 6-feet-under Hunter Relating to where most bills you sent to Calendars can be found. HB Is It 2018 Yet? Anchia Relating to me getting tired of waiting for the tide to turn so I can run for governor; providing that I am going to quit shaving and nap for a few sessions—wake  me  when  it’s  my  turn. HB 1992 Nevárez / MiggityMiggityMiggityMiggityMac Relating to commencing to make ya jump, jump. HB |==Laubenberg Relating to the right of parents to decide whether their children get cancer; promoting trypanophobia awareness. HB 7 Days, Members! Herrero Relating to before vouchers die, they see the amendment. HB 2-for-1 Raymond / Lozano Relating to the 83rd Legislature's Chuckle Hut. (You see, the chuckle is the part of the pig between the tail and the anus, but at night, the Chuckle Hut becomes the Laugh Factory, and that's a comedy club.) HB cOw M. González of El Paso Relating  to  beef  …  it's  not  what's  for  dinner. ******** CONCURRENT RESOLUTIONS CALENDAR ******** HOUSE & SENATE CONCURRENT RESOLUTIONS HCR One-And-Done St_ickland / Schaefer / Toth / Stephenson / Bell / Guerra SP: Campbell Recognizing that there’s no way voters are crazy enough to send us  back  here  again,  right?    I  mean,  this  was  a  joke,  wasn’t  it? HCR Purple Simmons Designating Barney the Purple Dinosaur as the official State Dinosaur of Texas. Amendment by Geren Listen, Freshman, we had a big fight over this back in 2009,  and  if  you  think  I’m  going  to  go  through  that  again,   you  got  another  thing  comin’.    Vive Paluxysaurus jonesi! HCRs 83, 84, etc. Springer Designating me as the official State Designator of Texas. SCR Best Served Cold Birdwell / Estes / Huffman / et al. Reminding the House that killing local Senate bills is like killing  helpless  hostages;;  it  doesn’t  get  you  respect  and  it   doesn’t  get  your  demands  met,  but  it  will  get  you  a  red  dot  on   your forehead when you’re  least  expecting  it. SCR 31 Eltife Recognizing  that  anyone  who  calls  the  Texas  Senate  “The  World’s   Most  Deliberative  Body”  has  never  seen  us  whip  through  local  and   uncontested bills like an ADHD auctioneer without his Adderall. Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria Give me a break, Eltife, you do your act in an empty room; I have to herd 150 cats to keep my train running on time! SCR #1 Ellis / Lucio, Jr. / Davis / Narcissus / Every Senator for All Time Congratsturbating over our amazing ability to waste copious amounts of time congratulating ourselves for no other reason than that we were elected senators.


SCR 32.3333 (repeating) by Senate Messenger I have been directed by the Senate to inform the House that the Senate has taken the following action on sea turtles— Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria What chamber are you from? Amendment The Senate. by Senate Messenger

Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria The Senate ain't no chamber I've ever heard of. English in the Senate? Amendment The Senate— by Senate Messenger

They speak

Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria English, motherf***er, do you speak it? Amendment Yes! Yes! by Senate Messenger

Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria Then describe what a sea turtle looks like! Amendment The Senate— by Senate Messenger

Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria Say "the Senate" again. Say "the Senate" again. I dare you; I double dog dare you, motherf***er. Say "the Senate" one more g**damn time! Amendment by Madam Doorkeeper Mr. Speaker, for the record, I know everyone thinks we hook up, but honestly, I don't know this guy. ********** ITEMS ELIGIBLE FOR CONSIDERATION ********** HB Donde Straus Relating to Waldo, who at least wore bright colors so that you had a shot at finding him. ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 11:59 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment providing for the creation and use of funds in the state treasury for the special session we’re  having  because we putzed around too long before Sine Die. ******** POSTPONED BUSINESS ******** UNTIL 1:00 P.M. ON TUESDAY, MAY 28, 2013 HB 83(1) Perry, Rick Relating  to  me  seein’ y’all again soon, real soon, mo-fos!

©2013, The Loco and Dissent Preservation Board


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