bes t poems 9

Copyright 2012 © The MÔmo Press

♉ ♈♈ ♍♍♍ all rights reserved printed in the united states of america the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form is reserved by no persons living or dead for information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to: chancellor of the exchequer 1 horseguards road, london, sw1a 2hq www.themomopress.com the author would like to thank the local mafia for selling a bottle of prosecco so loathesome, so foul it made him reconsider his commitment to leaving las vegas

Best Poems 9 by Bud Chad

new york 3 berlin

time pussy

Contents
Introduction by Gone for a Walk ix
Criminal 1 Some Comedians 2 Divinity 3 Chicanery 4 Travis King 5 One Thing 6 Fat Girls 7 Another Thing 8 But When Camping  9 Concentration Camps If You Concentrate 11 Calipers 13 Bodies 14 Eliminated 15 One Thing 16 Again 17 Half the Time 18 Lesbians 19 Lesbians 20 Drunk 21 Comedy 22

10

Fellatio 23 Three Bullets 24 Tobey Stretch 25 I Roll My Chair 26 That Clenched Anus 27 I Get A Peculiar 28 Instrument 29 Mozart 30 Pale 31 Another Thing 32 Sovereignty 33 One Thing 34 Truly 35 Lonely 36 Aardvarks 37 Nom de guerre 38 Death 39 Lateral Latex 40 In Germany 41 Nigger 42 Could Have 43 Ibrahim 44 Euphorize 45 The Murderer 46 Beyond 47 Faggots 48 My Dick 49 Remember the Past 50 Face ’em 51

God 52 Niggers 53 Asymmetry 54 It Must Be 55 Another Thing Travis King 57 My Mom 58 One Half 59 Gather 60 Stab 61 Trod 62 I Know 63 Algebra 64 My Right Nut 65 Half the Time 66 Dogs 67 One Bottle 68 Lord Jesus 69 Irena 70 Tits 71 Studio Musicians Protuberances Ain’t Nothin’ 74 Indecision 75 Little Miss Muffet Smart and Sensitive The Water 78 Another Thing Horseshit 80

56

72 73

76 77 79

A Lot 81 The End Times I Pass 83 It’s Like This 84 Monkeys 85 Research 86 My Eyes 87 George Jefferson Two Days Later Every Bad Poem Lunch Party 91 Humanity 92 Short Bitches 93 An Outreach 94 Pussies 95 Chandelier 96 Civilization 97 Gypsum 98 Hypnosis 99

82

88 89 90

Introduction

Y

ou wait two days to fire off those last poems and you can’t see straight. And if your pen is a porcupine quill, it’ll at least remind you of the word porcine when you see it. Which means: you are not a Muslim. Time doesn’t take place. You wait two days. Did you spend those two days waiting? Sitting and watching and praying? No. But it is said that you waited two days since two days passed. Two days passed. What the hell happened? Well, these days you get about seventy or eighty poems in before you quit. Does that mean you quit? No. But it is said that you quit because you stopped. Mainly, you passed out. Passed out, though, might be a euphemism. It might mean you got distracted by looking for something to jerk off to. You wake up the next day and your mind has been erased. But on a lower level, in the basement, a horror, a terrible gnawing anxiety grips you. Did you offer to show your cousin your dick? If so, will word get around back home? What letters did you send old gnatty bitches you left behind, cunts sworn off when you are sober? Do you drink to systematically break the rules you live by while sober? Is it the only

ix

reason you drink? Or what’s more likely — you are possessed by a perverse satanic urge to undermine, to undo yourself. But it’s all right. They’ll forget. And what’s better: they’re all in a way just a figment of your imagination. A soothing calm sweeps over you. A soothing calm is available to all those who seek a soothing calm. Two days go by and half your head feels like it is missing. And there are the sharp pains. The cracks that open up in your brain that you can almost see in your imagination when it happens. Like somebody did something with a purple scalpel. When will those things start firing right in there again? They never do. You give up drinking for four, five, six days. Ever waiting to return to normal. It doesn’t happen. Your head settles in and it never feels right. An old hollowed-out fullness between the ears. Strange sudden pains all around the brain. The savage depression. Pretty soon it’s—why not unlock that door? Why not soak that brain for a while? It’s done anyway. And sure it’s done. Those higher functions are shot. Misspelled words. Complex sequences

x

of steps like putting on your shorts, then your pants, then taking a shower — whoops! wrong order … it just never comes back to you. Not all the way. And even if you wait, wait, wait and unspread that vista the inert deadness of your inside and by happy accident a social occasion will bring it all back to you, time to drink, time to euphorize. I pride myself on the fact that I have never fucked a girl who took a black dick. This, despite the fact that I slept with a Nigerian prostitute who obviously had had blacks’ dicks at some point. You might say by definition. Another thing I enjoy is shouting with a bullhorn into a pussy. In its own way, this is a demonstration of sonar. I think it is possible the Loch Ness Monster is my dick on the loose. I think if you toss puppies into a river and put it on YouTube — you’re all right in my book. But next time try a volcano. Gone for a walk, Be back soon

xi

Criminal
if an ocean opens up in my balls

and I drown

1

Some Comedians
have been influenced by crazy people

but they have not been murdered by them

2

Divinity
I was touched by an angel

His hands were wrapped around my throat

The more he squeezed

The more his wings flapped

3

Chicanery
it is possible that for some women

their pussies are wind tunnels

4

Travis King
fucked Beth Baumgartel just to learn the secret of how to make those dustpans

5

One Thing
that gets me is that kids set on fire burn shorter

they are human equivalents of 40-watt bulbs

6

Fat Girls
would be all right

if they had the pussies

of skinny girls

7

Another Thing
I wouldn’t do is fuck a fat girl in her armpit

8

But When Camping
there is a kind of ash pit

I’d fuck her there

9

Concentration Camps
have exotic names for a reason namely to make such crimes mythical whereas if I run through the streets with a scythe harvesting heads it will be routine

10

If You Concentrate
enough her pussy will bleed

also pushing this button will do it

11

Extraction
is when you call for aerial pickup after fooling your dentist and stabbing him in the head repeatedly with the drill

12

Calipers
I think the future of humanity is not in physics but in gynecology

13

Bodies
need to be measured

and all traces of them eliminated

14

Eliminated
is another word for bowel movements

if I were a hitman

I’d have killed millions

15

One Thing
I notice is even the geeky kids from high school have gotten fat and gotten laid

life marches on

into its own gaping maws

16

Again
there are people right now in the New Royalty

who can’t think how you could exist

17

Half the Time
I shoot myself in the face

the other half

I fill it in with putty

18

Lesbians
who act like ‘players’ will be the first to fall when I exercise my Dominion

19

Lesbians
insist they are women

it is not proved

20

Drunk
in the morning and Time halts and waits

birds are heard singing a more poignant tune

the delirium of morning is exposed

for the first time

21

Comedy
once combined cleverness with neurosis

now it is just oversexed underlings chimping

22

Fellatio
is best performed

while falling

23

Three Bullets
It took three bullets and a lot of convincing

to get into your grandma

24

Tobey Stretch
lost all his friends

now has a lot of Facebook friends

25

I Roll My Chair
across the floor

it gets caught up in your hair

I forgot your body was there

26

That Clenched Anus
has been relaxed for about twenty years now

I hope I don’t get cancer

27

I Get A Peculiar
kind of oily sweat when I drink this much

and harder hard-ons the next day

28

Instrument
It’s an electric harp

that is

it’s strings are electrified

29

Mozart
had trouble shitting

and still stands as refutation of the human race

30

Pale
and awkward and indigent my dick seeks you out while I stand back across the room

31

Another Thing
I wouldn’t do is leave clues behind at a crime scene

32

Sovereignty
the soul as monarch evidently does not undergo its Restoration

I have been waiting

33

One Thing
we might do is punish crimes according to a lottery

innocent, guilty

they are all guilty

34

Truly
there is an old dead cyst on my right nut or an abandoned pencil lead

35

Lonely
and a frantic willing then we die

36

Aardvarks
never come out of their shells

my dick never comes out of its foreskin

I am circumcised

37

Nom de guerre
My new name is Lord Shittenblood

Draw close your shawls, ladies

I have been jerked off by more hands than Shiva’s got

38

Death
had better not be a long eternal moment like this psychosis

else I’m gonna be pissed

39

Lateral Latex
If I snap to this glove and wiggle my finger-friends

it is for your protection not mine

40

In Germany
women have such powerful thighs gynecologists’ wrists get broken

41

Nigger
Niggers had a barbecue on my grave because they were thrilled they were not in subSaharan Africa anymore being sold as slaves to other niggers which is my predicament also if you think about it, my dick getting sold to the highest bidder and she asks ‘Why ain’t it hard?’ when her face looks like it headbutted a landmine

42

Could Have
You could have pushed me over with a feather when you told me that your ten-year-old daughter in whom I shoved the fat man was only ten

43

Ibrahim
Islam will bring God back to millions of people

and a lot of worn-out rugs

44

Euphorize
my soul

will I still be present to God?

how can I not?

45

The Murderer
takes in everything

the world

properly

46

Beyond
Time and Space I cannot understand

besides flatulence has a waveform

47

Faggots
like to make a lot of promises

never wear a wig and suck my dick like they say

48

My Dick
without doubt is a scud missile

and by scud I mean suck

49

Remember the Past
and a sniper will take you out

though no one will tell you this

—It’s a sippin’ whiskey. Towanda Motel. ca. 2004

50

Face ’em
you face those ghosts and they will cauterize your insides

there is no winning

51

God
let some of ’em live

I wasn’t one of ’em

52

Niggers
have big dicks

some of ’em

I have a face like Garrison Keillor’s

53

Asymmetry
will get you into a lot of trouble especially if you are a budding serial killer like me or at least an eccentric when it comes to beautiful women

Travis says it was a pussy fake

54

It Must Be
light out

drink and drink

and drink up

let the world live around you

55

Another Thing
I’d do is forbid funerals for black people

56

Travis King
shot at an ATM out in a field

it was a used ATM from a junkyard

had no cash in it

57

My Mom
apparently had a personality and a life

I didn’t know and was not meant to know

58

One Half
of my nut is pure cerebral hemorrhage

59

Gather
your people

their faces stand in refutation

of what?

60

Stab
me in the face for a while

I won’t mind

61

Trod
and tred

and spill your seed

and God might decide you are still alive

62

I Know
some niggers

not really

I don’t know who the fuck they are

63

Algebra
is the key to good poetry

64

My Right Nut
is a sign of someone’s arrogance

65

Half the Time
sick shit like this shitty champagne makes me sick

66

Dogs
have boners a bit like I do

except theirs live to fight another day

67

One Bottle
wobbles in the fridge

my dick wobbles in my groin

68

Lord Jesus
cries out and I put my dick away

69

Irena
seems like an older sluttier version

70

Tits
stand on their own even when they sink

71

Studio Musicians
can’t play cymbals when I’m smashing cunt-lips

72

Protuberances
God forgives them if you take them by surprise

I mean it

73

Ain’t Nothin’
can hold so many bullets as my ballsack

74

Indecision
Are they nervous?

Give them the war

75

Little Miss Muffet
was used to muffle

my musket

76

Smart and Sensitive
women have all decided I am a monster

the others are all just hopeful

77

The Water
runs free does that mean

I am crazy?

78

Another Thing
might be if I shat out a lot of thumbtacks

79

Horseshit
is another way around the central issue of how I am going to fuck your mom

80

A Lot
of them are simply forcing me to fuck your mom with a pitchfork

you know it

81

The End Times
will be when all the anuses are marching in the streets

82

I Pass
a lot of gas in crowded elevators

and directly into refrigerators

83

It’s Like This
your mom’s teeth were tuning forks

and my dick was a hammer

84

Monkeys
have boners and feel confused

when watching them later on television

85

Research
you can’t research tits at the graveside anymore

86

My Eyes
won’t open ever since they saw my asshole crying

87

George Jefferson
never had a health plan

he just fucked Weezie

88

Two Days Later
still motor difficulty

89

Every Bad Poem
I cut off a finger

No, not mine

90

Lunch Party
It’s possible that somebody did shit in your potato salad

After all, I was there

91

Humanity
is like a watery mess

slammed against a cosmic wall at a million miles an hour

92

Short Bitches
are cute for a while

but long bitches are needed

to make you feel like you went somewhere

93

An Outreach
center

an acting school for sociopaths

to help them blend in

94

Pussies
smell worse from the inside

95

Chandelier
it’s possible that my scrotum is like a delicate chandelier that you can’t swing on

96

Civilization
is now a short bus

97

Gypsum
was never mined by gypsies

though I did get fined for fucking one

98

Hypnosis
can be used on psychics in police investigations to plant the phony idea that you are the murderer

I pay clairvoyants to watch me taking baths

99

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