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: : innocent : : fun fun looking back what do I see but a memory so disappearing now and again evermore gone

away as such what was I dreaming who did I harm in my innocent way said to another "as innocent as the one I am with" is what passed through into my ears what did I think (did I even try?) indeed I tried not to but could not bear the tension and pressure in my brain "who is an innocent?" I say to me who knows not how to say that one what is passing through my skull so unbearable I do not know then again what do I know for sure nothing I am sure nothing can change the opinion where do we come from we really do not like asking where are we headed to is it a place where we can all be really the only kind of innocence that deserves a chance [infant child] the only one who possesses the real truth in eyes so deep and thoughful even so try to hide behind a mask of anger and despair but failing because sometimes it can shine through even the most convincing and have I as has every at some point Rose Womersley 1995

: : cetera : desunt : : [present past and future what are they really made of?] . . . of made all we are what are we all made of . . . an inside out and upside down twisted around distorted nursery rhyme frontwards backwards anyway the river goes following following mysterious or not so only but too convincing to believe deep down in you not only but a block of wood to carve or a slab of concrete to engrave maybe more like a puppet or dream chased away by those temptation temptation calls out a lonely howl so sad and longing lost in forlorn dreamkeeps begging pleading crying not to be forsaken never finished for to see any kind of final results of an experiment gone sane Rose Womersley 1996

Just Because don't trouble me with your worries don't tell me I am wrong I've no time for your whining I've no time to slow down you cannot keep up with my mental ability so don't come to me to complain when all you ever do is give up how many times have I seen you quit I wish I could help you but I cannot do everything for you just because you're me Rose Ellen Womersley October 1996

: : on : making : a : decision : : (beside : myself) : : beside me stood my good half on my left and my bad half on my right the fearless part of me ran ahead and the coward lagged behind we were on a journey trying to put me back together trying to find a cure for what scattered me and my good side was optimistic - surely we would find it soon and my bad side was indifferent - but we will all die anyway

and my fearless side was defiant - but we will have proven ourselves and my coward side just sat down - what if they come out of the walls and i did not know what to do so we sat down for a bit and pondered our choices we could go on, face our enemies, fight our battles we could turn back, take the easy way out we could stay put, wait for them to come and kill us the thing we could not do was split up and disagree so i stood and began my journey and the others had to follow Rose Womersley 1996

And There You Have It I like to make people wonder and whoever gets to go through my computer will most certainly wonder winder wander wunder wynder wender hahahahahahahahahahahahaha rob lowe in the lions den and the intense pain on the right side of my head the same side of my head where dad hit me as hard as he could with a closed fist when I was sixteen years old and why because I told him I could wrap mom's xmas gift by myself yeah a deserving punishment huh dad but he would deny deny deny deny despite this pain in the side of my head that feels like a knife it hurts and it hurts more and more but can I get it checked out? No! Why? because I have no health insurance and cannot pay for the diagnostics if I had cancer I would just die of it too bad and so sad and all the rest and rest of the et cetera she made a copy scale and what has that got to do with the price of tea in china absolutely everything elementary my dear watson but actually sherlock holmes never really said it unaccounted for and deservedly so wouldn't you think the better so read and this read and so ready for reality and hurts and it hurts me so Rose Ellen Womersley 2000 And This Pain and this pain in my toe and this pain in my neck and this pain in the side of my head and this pain: and this pain and this pain spreading and hurting and growing and pain in my ear and in my neck and in my toe and why and why and why this pain and why all this pain and why all this pain in my head where he hit me so hard just because I'm not six any more drastic pain; I can't move; I can't move anymore I cannot lie what is this stupid dumb pain and this pain

and and and and

this dumbfoundedly pain my mind ... mind ... mind pain pain head ... and this pain this knife in my head the side of my head the pain

Rose Ellen Womersley 2000

If if if if if if

you you you you you

tell love want care care

the truth me forever me with you about me to take the time

Rose Ellen Womersley 2000

like : me : : too many nobodies dancing alone in the park spread it all out on your living room floor the antidote for what ails me lies in the grey from where no truth can originate romance is living in exile do not apologize for me i need no excuses to be made i crawl alone in my dark i crawl alone until i see a spark disgusted by the mirror image hanging on the wall in front of me and the spark doubles in size something jumps out at me and i fall out of my skin and onto the floor, alone again something is gone my skin leaves me too i crawl towards the spark it beckons to me 'come closer' it whispers so loudly there is the park forever night where nobodies are all dancing alone like me Rose Womersley 2000

: : 15 : minutes : : fifteen minutes till breaktime until then . . . I sigh Christina walks by she winks her eye and pats my butt and Bob says, "Hi." I sigh seven minutes have gone by Rose Womersley 2001

: : MULCT : : do it the same all over again just like before (like never ago) he loves me she loves me not go daringly into the day creep along on the ground crouch down in a corner be punished for dreaming for wanting don't hope don't love just be still and safe be shy and soft and sweet just don't be me and you'll be fine Rose Womersley 2001

95 all I want is perfection all I want is everything just to be where I want to be just to be in control somewhere alone better good bad disaster struck my brain and bounced around some like an abandoned electrical charge with nothing better to do than wreak havoc on me disaster struck my brain and caused a mental earthquake collapsing my mental bridges

toppling my mental towers creating evil destructive monsters that I can not kill by myself alone Rose Ellen Womersley 2001

At Night, When They Would Be Sleeping all I can do is write, for I can no longer feel I cannot speak my mind, none of my unfinished tasks, I am so scared this is real I sit in the dark by choice, no one can hear my voice it's unimportant, nobody cares I have no one to hold, to feed, to love I have no one, no one at all simply a walking block of ice laughing, crying, on the outside completely dying on the inside no, that's wrong, I'm already dead now I know it's not just in my head where are the kisses, the hugs, and the joy oh how I miss my beloved little boys my children, my life I've never felt so empty before my babies, my life I had no idea it would be so difficult I had no idea I loved them so much all of this is somehow my fault what could be running through their innocent minds? what must they think of this difficult time? Rose Ellen Womersley June 2002

Because because I feel more distant from you every single day because every time I look into your eyes you look away because when I walk away from you I don't know what you do because there's always someone telling me what I should do this is what I get for doing what I had to do I know what I really shouldn't want to be with you but I do, somehow I just can't change me I want you but I don't know why everything, all we do is disagree must everything you say be lies yes I absolutely love you, even though I try now I absolutely beg you, never ask me why when I sleep you run through my mind again you take control, now you're in charge in my dreams, still reminding me of when now I feel like we're living large try not to miss you every day but I fail I try dismissing all my thoughts, pushing you away but I can't, something always pulls me back somehow you make me feel alive when I dance, I can't help looking back it's you when anyone walks by Rose Ellen Womersley June 2002

Caged I feel caged in myself trapped in the infinite prison of my soul who am I to be me? what right have I to be at all? where do I go from here? (as is asked by every at some point) then again ... where is here? (what is here?) and what lies beyond? or within, for that matter? does it even matter? do I? what right have I to so much as consider that I might matter? for so insignificant am I that greatness is not fame it is not fortune it is not wealth but rather to matter and I don't believe I do. Rose Ellen Womersley June 2002

Climbing Out after burying myself in a blanket of him I'm finding my way out, but the light is dim a shadow of fear and doubt wondering how to feel Is the life out there I'm seeing really real? Can I really smile? Oh, it's been such a long while. The line I was walking broke. I fell, or so I thought. He said he knew me well. I can't believe I bought that story! So this is who I am! This is who I was before I'm starting to remember who I really am. Rose Ellen Womersley July 2002

Extrapolations "I'm proud of you," she said to the woman who felt like a girl, who can't come to terms with the end of her world, who lost everything that she'd fought to protect, who'd bite off your head if you stuck out your neck, who thought she was weak but then found she was strong--

the She but She All the but

strength had been waiting in her heart all along. still has her fears, for she knows they are real, also a friend who can help her to deal. knows there's a mystery locked deep inside. of those nights she's just lied there and cried, years come and go and it seems like a dream she can't figure out what the hell it could mean.

Rose Ellen Womersley July 2002

I Ought To I ought to be coming to some realization learning from some revalation but I just don't know if it's really right there's anohter long lull in the conversation my soul is dying of starvation the way I've been spending every night if I could cry, I'd cry myself to sleep I've gotten myself in too deep it's gonna be another lonely day this silence I no longer can keep emotions from my heart do seep doesn't matter that I've lost my way I've been lacking confidence living in his life of pretense with nowhere at all to hide to me this all just makes no sense to him I was always dropping hints I had no one in whom to confide I know that I have done things wrong I've known that all along I wonder if I have the will to go on I've forgotten our special song my children have done nothing wrong one minute they were here the next they were gone I know I should not think this way growing pessimistic every day I try to come to terms with my past to pay attention to what I hate to say to know that I will finally move on someday and forgive my mistakes at long last Rose Ellen Womersley 6 June 2002

: jesus : : There lies the Baby Golden in days described as olden.

There sits the Virgin Mother, her infant child so loves her. There stands the Father Noble with heart and soul so hopeful. There kneel the Wise Men Three with gifts to worship Thee. This is the scene of a special night and God's star shines with loving light. A child sings her favorite hymn and love emerges from within. Let us embrace His precious Gift and give our thanks our Savior lives. Rose Womersley 2002

: : little : world : : closed my eyes, saw the yellow aura of a friend felt the mellow yellow energy in the air around me scared to death of the challenge which is its own consequence I chose the cowardly way out a crack in the sidewalk into which I willingly crawl at the slightest possibility with a misunderstood glance I have to ignore I shrink into my own little world everyone can see I am gone but they'll never guess where and I'll never say Rose Womersley 2002

Look What You've Done To Me I hate the way I look I hate the way I feel I could read a book but it's not even real I hate to be alive I wish I were someone else I kind of want to die but I'd probably go to hell I I I I hate the way I sound hate my stupid face don't want me around hate this stupid place

I'm way too ugly I'm way too dumb nobody wants me I need to run My thoughts are useless my body is a wreck my life has been ruined what did you expect? I'm a pile of nothing I'm some useless shit just a stupid girl Rose Ellen Womersley June 2002

Move On on, on... and on want, want, but never get dream and dream of how it mihgt have been oh if only, if only I had been more perfect but I cannot go back and do that I really should move on... it's gone I should not have pushed away I should not have played his game I really sould move on... it's gone I should not hold on to all the negativity that's come at me and dragged me down so long I really should move on... it's gone I should not repeat the hurtful words from my parents, my husband, my friends I really should move on... it's gone I should not hold on to the fear in my heart preventing my ability to have a new start I really should move on... it's gone Rose Ellen Womersley June 2002

My Day "How are you?" she asked. "I'm all over the place," I said with some tears and a smile on my face. I'm laughing and crying and dying inside, I feel like my brains have been scrambled and fried. I'm hyper, I'm weak, then I'm all inside out. There's something inside me that's trying to shout! Rose Ellen Womersley July 2002

Ode To My Bastard how could you do what you do knowing my love has been true how could you have done what you've done after telling me that I am the one? you said you would love me forever but now everything's changed and I don't see how you can live with yourself and the pain that you've dealt to the ones you should love but you don't things you say you will do but you won't you yell and you constantly criticize so much I can no longer look in your eyes you hurt me, accuse me, and make me feel bad I cause myself pain just so I can't feel sad when I try to walk out you just pull me back in I fall for your lies all over again convince myself this time it'll be okay that I'll be able to change you someday despite all of this, it always gets worse what did I do to deserve such a curse? Rose Ellen Womersley June 2002

Poess Poess I: Triumph Poess goes by many names friend of all and foe to none full of wit and lively games her works are never truly done she isolates herself for days through all her many works she runs

undeniable genius, she upon a lonely shelf awaits the spirit of reality mind you, she controls the gates life rambles along and imitates shoddily her works of art death greedily anticipates a life to drag into the dark but death can only lose against poetical realities quotidian folk, miscreants nonsensical jealousies in this in this invaded death's realm death does not exist land of talented me by dangerousness dark wish simply cannot be

marching, we the Soldier Poets down pathlings thickly tread, and sing our verses which the truth profess which fade the pain and scars from things gone wrong, astray, a flying girl repeats our verses, strong conviction in her voice, her gaze strikes the world with everpresent nonfiction volumes side by side by side upon the shelf where Magic lives the Poets march, the devil rides he only takes, we only give our and and and voices travel on the wind anger fades and wilts and dies sadness melts and must give in we, with confidence, uprise

the devil rides his dying steed makes strong attempts to break us down a once good heart gives in to greed and joined the ranks of evil's ground holds up his sword, as black as death with stains of blood of innocents once more in vain tries to oppress failed miserably his last attempt to gain some notariety but to the devil's detriment sided with insurmountable me are all the creatures of the day steadfastly standing by my side

defending fiercly souls so brave struck down the devil, he may cry "A Rose by any other name-" but finish sentence he did not "Would beat the Devil just the same," I shoulded, then to him I walked and with black sword his breast I struck the cheers uproared and travelled far and in his throat his last cry stuck his shattered soul... it travelled to a distant star. Poess II: Anew and so rejoicing did commence the genious with her Poets saw a one upon a time from whence came forth a new idea dawn Poesy continued growing inventing Poets, birthing songs important information knowing the truth which cannot be denied trust not the rolling of the dice trust not your feelings held inside what scurries about like little mice inside your head around it rolls with newfound fanciful freedom enveloping your very soul intermittent bouts of gleedom frantic meddling busybodies informative, the books they've read reciting by rote memory she only sneezes while in bed recites not words that others wrote so fondly does she recollect the dreams on which subcontious dotes as farther, farther on she gets metaphorical plentiness surrounds vast planetary minds super bountiful, no duress no stress, no want of any kind sky of dancing silvery clouds soft and quiet whisper of sprite white fairies laughing all aloud soulfully echoes through the night once hitched a ride upon the wind the scent of lovely carries far repeated fables once again to wish upon some distant star all sorts of folk my traels join

manner of speaking nearly far raise carefully your fruits of loins respectfully be sure they are an educated group of kin flowing fountains of ideas who find resources deep within such splendid wishing just to be aspiring poets wishing their ingenius creativity becomet the Poets Extrordinaire small children growing fast and strong who made a bright discovery they had it in them all along exactly what they hoped to be and proved the skeptics wrong, wrong, wrong they jump high, play hard, laugh loud, write an independant state of mind they soar above they fly like kites dancing on the world left behind opportunity often knocks in mostly unexpected ways pen shooses not to write in blocks writes uninterrupted for days creating deliciously works unexploited by the unthunk unlearned superstitious jerk whose distrought accusations sunk Poess III - Circumlocution when once upon a times are told lies repeated incessantly with forced belief since days of old and only disproved recently behold, little children, the lies your elders have been feeding you the truth is much too oft despised what's the difference 'tween false and true your little minds, they cannot tell your spoonfed brains belittled by the stories that you know so well and never have you dared ask why reasoning, you've never heard of you just repeat your false lessons try denying what you're made of stil you fail to see the reasons no independant thought exists

'twould never be allowed and never would you dare resist free thinking smothered by a cloud of brainwashed minions so convinced that they believe the only truth their vision fogged by many tints they prosletyze but it's a ruse and on and on ad nauseum they surmise without cessation at times they seem to speak in tongues many senseless explanations cannot comprehend the chaos try to add some kind of order but failing miserably, they're lost only brings about more murder they follow blindly, terrified aeons pass with great tumult and still their book is glorified they preach of peace without result certainly eager to denounce any and all opposition and on your back they're quick to pounce it's their only motivation quick to insult and even laugh if ever one should disagree put on the heat before and aft it has been doen to even me I have no insecurities no problems, I am not perplexed about the things that I believe those foolish tales I still reject they try to tell me I'm condemned but I tell them that I don't care you do not have to be my friend they run away, go straight to where their silly thoughts will be confirmed by others who have memorized they tell us that we will be burned to all us folks who've realized their babbling book just makes no sense their devotion lies misplaced their frozen minds extremely dense I have that book and I've erased all things preached which are so wrong when I was done I took a look and every single word was gone

from their silly sacred book Poess IV - Inkling sprinkled thotts and thynks of sorts around about and everywhere inspiration twinkles in short I am ubiquitous, so there no making not such sense it must what wanders all along the day no making not a heart to trust what sharing with a flow'ring May swingle high merry merry gar no argumentatively proof twinkle skied brightly lit by star off are we always wanting goof questionable why not asking to feel to see with eyes not closed such swayingly long words reading sparkly eyes more closing shows unfortunate colors fading there's no such thing as yesterday light colors bending and fading tomorrow never left today the future's not what we had hoped so little say the songs we sing our minds are drugged, our bodies doped so little to the pot we bring input output computations make more money buy whatever living too high expectations spend it wisely stay together not advice but rules for living tragedies attacking daily wonderfully things to gifting dancing tunes are smiling gaily for me I think it is too late to make my mark upon the world try just becoming something great I'd like to stay a little girl climbing up the money ladder I plant here now seeds of success I'll be worth a million dollars I can't imagine doing less delusions of grandeur addict they've pulled me into their domain my puny mind cannot predict how much of me will still remain

the lust the money the problems the harder the bigger they are no wonder we'll never solve them they keep us from going too far yes I plan to prove my theory it's no secret my persistece work until I'm faint and weary can't break down my stong resistance I play the game awaiting fate it's not the fame I'm looking for it'st he money, the money's great the only thing that I want more I know the rules, I will succeed my will my heart are going strong my saving grave it is my greed time passes by, don't care how long read these my words if you will dare I work all day and into night indeed my joy with you I'll share and you will see that I was right Rose Ellen Womersley March 4th 2002

Pretty Girl look, it's another pretty girl look at her ass in those tight jeans just one more stuck up girl you know she never says what she means her long wavy hair falling down she self-consciously looks around "who's looking at me?" "who's thinking of me?" the mind of the pretty girl asks constantly she acts like a bitch but that doesn't work she seems to attract all the dumb jerks sometimes she smiles seductively just to fuck with their heads sometimes she behaves self-destructively mostly she just wishes she was dead Rose Ellen Womersley December 2002

Right in the Middle of It

all alone here all over again another slut song playing I still don't have one single friend no one knows what I'm saying what's this? what's going on? I had a life but now it's gone I'm all confused I'm breaking up these feelings are so wrong for me at one point I was just giving up now I'm afraid I may never see finding myself all over again what is not and what's true I haven't a single friend it's impossible to know what to do Rose Ellen Womersley June 2002

Suddenly Due I may have lost this battle, but not completely at least I know the truth and now he knows I'm unafraid I know that I am stronger than before I know that I can do this my life may actually be sane once more it's a step in the direction of my hopes there's a ray of sunshine where my abyss once was my black hole is slowly being filled with little shining bits of glimmering hope success is measured in many ways that bubbly feeling when I've done something right the way I get hyper and fly down the stairs the way I just know how things will turn out and then they suddenly DO! Rose Ellen Womersley July 2002

The Sad Truth "don't speak, don't try to make me listen"

oh yeah, that's what they all say they refuse to hear or see the truth even when it hits them in the head they could relate if they could admit but something is stuck in their stubborn brains something is missing, a part of their heart someone is drowning, it's you and it's me why ahve we done this thing to ourselves how can we force ourselves to get out "You're worthless, not worth it, you ruin it all" we listen to them and that's why we fall fall prey to their evil ways fall down to our knees and we plead "please love us the way we deserve" but this only fuels the anger, the hate they tell us we are ugly then spit in our faces we cry and we wonder what we've done wrong not able to realize it isn't our fault "I dare you to leave me - you know you will die" these are threats we hear daily this is what we begin to believe even long after we've left, it repeats in our minds we turn into them, we abuse ourselves we still don't admit to ourselves the sad truth Rose Ellen Womersley June 2002

Token Tears I have shed my token tears, wasted my best years I gave them all to you.. what was I to do? it seems there's nothing I can do it seems there's just no pleasing you you never respond when I start to say, "I love-" you always interrupt and rise your voice above I've suffered your shouts and cruelty shaken off the things you do to me now I've gone and moved away but your words still hurt the same yes Dear Heart I still care about you once in a while please say you do too am I one big disappointment now? I would be perfect if I only knew how I escaped, I got away and my new life is here to stay there is no going back and if there was, screw that! Rose Ellen Womersley January 2002

Visitation "I found Mommy!" Robbie said, with a sigh of relief. a two year old doesn't deserve do much grief thankful to hear his voice once again knowing they've wondered where I have been Eddie is silen - he's a little confused neither realizes we've all been abused Robbie knows something is terribly wrong but he keeps a happy face on he hugs me, he doesn't mention Daddy I guess he knows that it might hurt me when the time comes to say by-bye he wants to see Daddy, he tries not to cry "I go see Daddy," says Robbie, and goes Eddie just follows, 'cause somehow he knows I feel this sadness, their worry, so true they're afraid Daddy might disappear too... Rose Ellen Womersley July 2002

Well I want to but I'm scared to I need to be more assertive I need to and I try to but I don't always succeed I'm afraid I will fall (in fact, I'm pretty sure) am I too something? am I not enough? what part of me is missing the part that can be tough I'm 'hanging in there' as they say but going nowhere pretty fast am I too absorbed with myself my mind, my body, my pain emotional health well what the hell is that and where do I get some how do I do it what is it like to be emotionally well Rose Ellen Womersley June 2002

Another Broken Heart and then there was the time I thought you loved me and then there was my mind all warped because you hugged me and then there was my stupid brain convincing me to stay then there were the tears that fell alone the way there was the time you seemed to care you seemed to want me always there and then I found a vital clue but couldn't break it off with you I stayed, unhappy, just because I believed in the prospect of love such foolishness entered my mind such as that which filled my heart an inkling of doubt that said I would not find the closeness, instead we'd be driven apart Rose Ellen Womersley 7 November, 2003

: : before : : opened a blind eye to the tragedy of you ignored the subtle signs that I was coming all unglued I hadn't yet decided waht conclusion to come to you hadn't yet revealed the truth inside of you we hadn't yet explored the likelihood of love you hadn't put yourself so far above I never suspected the ailing and woes but that's how the sadness of this story goes my heart had yet to be trampled upon my innocence wasn't yet totally gone you had yet to crush my soul had yet to keep me from my goals and I had yet to learn that life could be so cold and cruel at times all times before you showed to me your heartless nature and cruelty I learned my lesson and was gone while you, poor soul, were still hanging on Rose Womersley 2003

: : best : : the best year of my life is the year that just went by since i met you i heard that in a song today and realized it was true you could love me you could hug me you could break my heart but then what would i do did i fall too quickly fall too deeply fall too much in love with you i tried to take it slowly tried to put it off but then you called me up and i was through no longer could i hide it try to suffer in my silence because now you know the truth

are you just having fun just leading me on just to see what you can put me through just making up for what you lost your heart's lost cause just to see what you can do when was the best year of your heartbroken life when did you last dream of having a loving wife why can't i be the one to make your dream come true why can't someone want the same things i do the best year of my life is the year that just went by since i met you i heard that in a song and couldn't help but think of you could you love me could you hold me could you keep me in your heart forever could we make this work or should i tear myself from this endeaver understanding me is quite demanding and it takes a lot of time but i know you have it in you to let me be yours and to be mine having you stand beside me is the best thing that i can think of being the one to stand beside you makes me feel loved and all i want is you to love me hold me hug me never let me go and all i want to do is be with you forever never letting go Rose Womersley 2003

: : better : : what trouble will i stir up for myself today? what games will my troubles heart begin to play? how focused will my mind be on reality? how soon will i begin to lose another part of me? what prayer could i say to save my helpless soul? what does it prove but that my life is on a roll? i turn out the lights and suddenly i feel the urge to write knowing that no matter what i do, it can't be right my success and happiness depend on me alone i've found a place that maybe someday i will call it home i couldn't fit the mould of what they planned out for me i had to prove that i could choose the path that's right for me so i scribble down my feelings it's just my way of dealing with what life has handed me how much better do they expect for me to be? Rose Womersley 2003

Better Off Without You "What's so interesting about you?" Nothing Mom. I guess he likes me because he is too stupid to see how boring I am. "Why can't you be more like So-and-So?" Because I am not her, I am me. But I guess that'll never be good enough. "I don't condone child abuse, but I understand it." Whatever you say, Dad. As a Special Agent in the OSI, one might think you would know better than that. Low self-esteem, yes.

Incredibly, even. Irreversable damage. Rose Ellen Womersley 11 May 2003

Dumb dumb goes down the toilet I wish he would anyway dumb thought I'd be impressed but dirty money does just the opposite of what he hoped maybe girls he's met before maybe other girls I know would be maybe there is someone out there happy for him but not me I'm not one to - yeah but I am one to tell you how to live your life because it's wrong just wrong wrong illegal and wrong are two and the same and the same I said yeah all just the all the same same brocolli still tastes good in my ramen even though I have no couch and no cat I don't want his dirty money car and I don't want his cat I don't want his herpes on my lips dumb thinks he's so cool with his dvd van dumb thinks I should listen when he speaks sum dum little dude that I know kinda sorta just a work dude from work who I don't talk to dumb thought I would like him if he told me how nice he was to me dumb thought I would like him some way some how but wrong maybe hopefully dumb will forget about me Rose Ellen Womersley November 2003

: : gloom : : no morning sun shone down to greet the day no loving hands reached out to touch her face no songbirds lullabied, no soft breeze whispered 'hi' no lungs released a sigh of love hard rain came falling from above her eyes open and dart around the room she's just another victim of the gloom her clothes spill from the garbage bag which holds them she cannot help it, she starts to cry again the paper on the wall is faded blue her heart is pounding in her head she gets up off her makeshift bed Rose Womersley 2003

Good Idea what a good idea what a way to think, you know what could be better what could possibly be worse knowing is the worst thing I would rather live in the dark I don't want to know what you do I only want you with me I don't want to know your secret thoughts I don't want to see you when you're not with me strange how I know things that you try to hide strange how I manage to ignore those things somehow I manage to convince myself that it's okay and I'm okay with that what a way to think I think you want more of me I want more of you here, take my soul and keep it safe within you take my heart and cherish it as I do you Rose Ellen Womersley September 2003

: : heavy : thotts : : a headfull of heavy thotts a heartful of aches a handful of building blocks oh what will it take to show myself my own true being to stop the constant dread and stop myself from always fleeing the thotts that fill my head Rose Womersley 2003

: : hugged : : i resist temptation (strong) when it comes to you i must be fearless when you come around stretched my arms around to embrace the warmth of you smiled a million miles and speechless

you hugged me back giggled uncontrollably (like a little girl) you always make me laugh you know that you work wonders on me you've got a hold on me . . . if unintentionally you're where i want to be my feelings overflowed as if to suddenly explode the feeling remains when you let me go Rose Womersley 2003

: : in : her : body : : she didn't want me in her body I was part of her but to no avail I did not matter my freaky nature unconvinced her I should never have been born she never wanted a second child never knew how to love me never wanted to learn about me never really wanted me around I can't do anything right I can't do anything . . . right? is it all because of her because she never wanted me because she cursed her womb? (and so did I curse mine) what did she do to herself when I was in her body why was I ever conceived if she never wanted me Rose Womersley 2003

It alone with you alone away from you lonely for you next to you sadness smiles gladness fades shines

I cannot think without you invade me please don't leave me ignore me pretend you don't know smile politely at me blind I avoid you I promise I love you but you don't love me too you don't even pretend to and why should you when I am just your toy I am just your object of the moment whenever you feel the need you won't keep me won't let me go you won't let me know what's in your head I have to guess but still I can't read your mind I ask but still you never say when you ask me I don't know what to say because I don't know what you want to hear I don't know what to do because you never say what you want from me what do you expect of me why do you keep teasing me then leave me then asking me what you can give to me to make me happy I don't want you for a sugar daddy I want you as a lover and a friend I want you forever and I want you to want me forever too please give me a clue not something material please give me something you please let me live for you please let me talk to you you don't respond and then it's awkward and I feel like you force yourself to be with me as though you'd rather be with someone else as though when you look at me you wish I wasn't there you asked if I like being with you well I could ask you if you like being with me or not and lots of times I feel like it's not and I want it to be I want you so much I can't (don't want to) face the facts that thell me you are indeed unattainable inexplicable what the hell am I supposed to do be there waiting

lonesome for you I've stopped the tears I used to cry for you but I cannot stop the tears that are still inside my head my soul knows you knows everything about you longs to be with only you and shut all others out every time I start to stop thinking of you then soemone or something reminds me of you and I start all over again this obsession I hope it isn't but surely it must be something worth going for something worth having it's something I cannot let go your eyes so deceitful they try to be honest but fail and see through into really you I do reading what's imprinted on my brain of you am I or am I simply afraid of being alone no that can't be it Rose Ellen Womersley 2003

My Room to you it looks like just a room to me, a symbol of something new four walls no longer a prison to me instead they mean I am finally free at first it was scary living alone at last I've made this room a home my music, my mess, my rules, my life my goals and ideas, my days, my nights I've come to an important realization the better the higher my expectations when I am the person I need to be my soulmate will find his way to me Rose Ellen Womersley May 2003

Newly Wonderful openly found found all along a hidden way no way to be but upside down don't think of me in your little brain don't want me anymore don't need me

like so many elusive so many nights blackened and darked an absense of light in my soul tears of the fallen kind noise the unwanted kind penetrate into my mind cannot just let me be let me not be or not or whatever skipping alive hop hop sillier me my depression seems away irrelevant justice so called picked the wrong so wrong I didn't notice that I was blind never saw the night that blinded me neer suspected a shattering world but flipped and tossed aside me, a human pancake, distorted alone as I love to be Rose Ellen Womersley 7 November, 2003

No Man is worth to waste my time can capture this wild one you can't have me; can't hold me; can't touch me; can't love me I won't let you I'd rather be cold to you rather be mean to you rather not be vulnerable so keep your distance don't risk it . . . don't take the chance you have no chance I'd rather be alone cold-hearted untouchable made of stone unloveable this so-called heart (block of steel) impenetrable fortress thick walls Rose Ellen Womersley 11 May 2003

Not Allowed

I'm not allowed to love anyone I'm not allowed to be loved I'm not supposed to trust anyone Don't ever give me trust All I can do is be alone I can't handle the games whenever I give my heart away my heartache will never change I lost my innocence long ago I wish that I never had I used to believe in shooting stars now all I can feel is sad I cry myself to sleep some nights I laugh and pretend to have happiness the secret to living a happy life is knowing it can't be forced on us Rose Ellen Womersley July 2003

Sins of the Flesh should I rot in hell for my sins of the flesh? should my soul burn for eternity for my earthly actions? should I be punished for my random thoughts? does it matter if I die today or tomorrow would it matter if I was already dead walking around in a shadow of doubt cloaked by indifference drifting on a gust of lethal wind cast out by my own selfishness I wander, lonely, alone, and lost my soul torn apart and scattered about on lonesome plains far from so-called civilization far from so-called life simply existing in a worldless space such is the fate of a woman scorned hell hath no fury, no sadness, no pain like that of a woman like me does it matter if I die today tears fall from my stinging eyes gazing far into the distance that used to be my life but the sight has long been taken from my longing eyes it's not a game but if it were its name would be repression ...depression? !!!aggression? there is no such thing as finality

Rose Ellen Womersley 16 September 2003

Smile is anything new anymore why can't we admit that we're all the same there is nothing different all we know is more and more is what I hate more comes at me every day from all directions all at once and I want to scream sometimes I do sometimes I run sometimes I hide and when I emerge there you are waiting waiting and you catch me when I try to run by you wrap your arm around my waist and lift me off the ground and spin around and I can't help but laugh no matter what, it makes me smile Rose Ellen Womersley 16 September, 2003

31 9:03 do I do I do I

pm 11/9/2003 exude childlike innocence exude exuberance, confidence, shyness exude wisdom, fear, happiness

interesting things I heard people say today: "you look like a faggot in that jacket" "I have ridden in the back seat of a cop car three tiems and now I have driven a cop car three times so now I am even" "it's too bad rose is a lesbian" "hey rose are you still going out with that guy?" (well no but I was not about to tell that guy since I really do not want him to think I will go out with him just because I am single again) "shock compromises the ability to observe" Rose Ellen Womersley November 9th, 2003

Untimely my untimely existence reaks of persistence

the very fact that I were but a charm to you astray once I wandered ... sat high, pondered daily life, routine, it comforts and disturbs mysterious item, tact ... seriously this I lacked overlooked from my perch the town in glittering quietness as day melted down sun ... sky, dark, became one oh, to be heard! this what I yearn excited at the prospect of gaining respect but never for me will that dream be real never, no matter how deeply I feel dangerously behind the wheel the mind awaste, arot, asleep attempt it locked forever keep float, air carried ... again, to be married I'd rather not... what have I got to lose? my soul, my mind, you fool Rose Ellen Womersley February 2003

96 Ways to Commit Suicide the sound of running water through my hands the looks exasperation -ated -ating ever ever sane same what an old forsaken forgotten feeling of a place my irritable going away drip dripping sad excuse for a family gave something pathetically resembling love but failed the noise of my fridge never used by anyone before me (wow!) how cool to know that nobody but me will eat my bacon the sound of running water through my heater pipes comforting to know that this is mine all mine and never shared who takes care of me but me oh yeah and nobody nobody nobody I am the only only one who me takes care of myself my very own selfish bastard that I am so selfish to love me so much it's all about me it has to be and I don't care if I did hurt his feelings after all it is none of his stupid business he has no business with me and I have none with him I give to only myself and maybe dan if he lets me no one else comes in no one is allowed to see mistakenly stupidly I let somebody know some things but I take it all back I call a do over it is my life and I can I do I make my decisions I tell me waht I eat and sleep and go to work I tell me let me waht think do and say and be and be and be no one makes a bedtime late but me no one makes a dinner early late or ever if it isn't me my mountain on the wall my sunset my lamp and pretty shade my shadow my breath my eyes all mine my bathtub hot water my floor my mat my fire alarm battery mine my closet hall and coats and shoes and empty stacked boxes my floor my vacuum and broom and weights and crate all mine my pants on my floor and socks and pens my remote control mine I stubbed my toe on my ten pound weight and that is fine by me because all and everything is mine and no one elses ever ever ever

Rose Ellen Womersley November 2003

What Else and what else did you do what else did you think of while you were so far away from me and all that you said mattered most to you the most, I'm sure, I ever really meant to you was less, I'm sure, than I could ever know and yet the least you ever meant to me I'm sure was still more than the most you ever thought of me I only sparked your imagination for a moment I think but you have burned yourself right into my brain Rose Ellen Womersley 2003

: : afflicted : : eyes shut but images appear clutching is my brain to you yearning is my heart for you . . . and then there is my soul the sound of your name, a sudden smile upon my face merely mentioned . . . affected, afflicted perhaps yes some would say that I'm in love . . . I heard you call it lust but that leaves out the possibility of a deeper attraction the kind that scares you (and me) the most much safer for you and easier to resist (how right do I read you?) I understand your lack of trust go right ahead and not believe after all I'm not going anywhere I've got the rest of my life to be loved by you Rose Womersley 2004

: : are : we : us : : so you are me and i am you really this is confusing isn't it are we really us or are we each other are you you am i really me or are we not Rose Womersley 2004

: : cherish : : what a good idea what a way to think, you know what could be better what could possibly be worse knowing is the worst thing i would rather live in the dark i don't want to know what you do i only want you with me i don't want to know your secret thoughts i don't want to see you when you're not with me

strange how i know things that you try to hide strange how i manage to ignore those things somehow i manage to convince myself that it's okay and i'm okay with that what a way to think i think you want more of me i want more of you here, take my soul and keep it safe within you take my heart and cherish it as i do you Rose Womersley 2004

: : concealed : : i conceal my deepest truths and my truest depths i reveal my public face i conceal dangerous thoughts i reveal false favorites i conceal the pain thr truth that i am not real there is no solution to the problem that is me there is no relief from the agony there is no hope no way to escape nothing real my tears fall uncontrollably and i conceal Rose Womersley 2004

: : conformity : : (...or : denial : thereof) : : come and be different with me the root of all conformity you may to conform to this group or that (the outcome is the same) and that's the key: THE SAME if you won't be like me I'll say you're afraid to be different and why is 'different' all the rage? they're afraid to admit that they're all the same Rose Womersley 2004

: : especially : you : : especially now

suddenly noisy jumped out of my skin happened upon a oncetime ago don't ever change on me don't ever go away just be the same forever please are you, could you possibly be lonesome for me just one time especially now suddenly away from you i had not anticipated such loneliness not after such happiness with you i don't want to face me without you i don't want to face the world alone again you don't like feeling married i try to accept that but as for me especially now since being with you suddenly i want to be married to you and with you every step of the way married to someone especially you Rose Womersley 2004

Hesitation cut out my heart throw out my feelings blow out my brains and stomp on me stomp on my face stomp on my chest I'm screaming at my own sick reflection I'm crying rivers started sorting though old fashioned memories alone and I just don't know anymore what I ever might have been and it all comes down to such a gory end drunk on the selfish want for love that is not real he said, "mine and ... yours" that hesitation hesitation hesitation killed me then why did he say it that crushed my skull questions thousands mindlings whatevers too loud it's your choice your decision your door to choose obsession obsession possession and then you die therei s an essentiality I die each time I don't get to burn myself alive just because I think and just because I don't refuse overly competative because it is all just a big fat game shabbily ruled and horribly played and lost and lost and lost don't begin don't guarantee don't win don't don't don't thinw aisted fabulously garbed scanty girls dancing and writhing and I am not one of them sickened your eyes cannot choose not staring your mind not looking you try to look away but can't it's like a string or a magnet is stuck on your eyes and you look and you stare and you guilt resentful implications I cry I cry I cry alone at night when you are next to me Rose Ellen Womersley May 2004

: : HUH, DADDY? : : I watch the scariest movie I could find. over and over again because fear is so familiar it morbidly feels right to me to be scared all the time of my windows through which all evil might enter my safe little world my incubator where I should be safe from everything bad everything I don't like but I like to be scared I look through the walls to see even an electrical outlet might serve as an entrance and my heart beats a little louder a drop of water falls and I'm afraid my daddy will come with his butcher knife and kill me like he said he would when I was fourteen he would say "that was 13 years ago" BUT I WILL REMEMBER IT FOREVER LIKE IT WAS THIS VERY AFTERNOON HOW DO YOU LIKE SCARRING YOUR LITTLE GIRL FOR LIFE? Rose Womersley 2004

: : i : think : : i used him and i let him use me he used me and he let me use him too what was i thinking when i ran to him so suddenly what was he thinking when he let me go what were we doing so wrong so wrong in the first place what was our attraction so strongly mine grew but his faded i think i thought it was special like i always think i thought that we were one but we were not alone alas at last i am alone again and happy kind of kind of sad and kind of happy not really much of either and yet a lot of both Rose Womersley 2004

: : i : walked : alone : : empty lonely road utter quiet, but not peace stillness wavering pools of doubt I walked alone listened to my footsteps now tiptoeing hoping my surroundings would not hear hoped to pass unnoticed through this unfamiliar place I walked, alone wandered about in a peculiar state not dazed no, not like that wide awake with droopy eyes tense muscles, clouded mind I tried to run but couldn't force my legs I couldn't make them go quicksand sidewalks attempted to devour me alas! I was noticed! too strong-willed to behave weakly too wise to act a fool - I ran away I walked alone, still going nowhere and free to do so Rose Womersley 2004

: : just : love : me : : don't let me change your mind don't let me be the one that holds you back don't let me run around don't let me be what i think i should be just take me in your arms and make me what you want the most just keep me locked away just love me like you want to be loved don't be ashamed to love don't be afraid to give your heart to me Rose Womersley 2004

: : lost : : lost in myself in you interrupt my wandering mind little by little you frighten me little by mostly I'm scared

when you don't answer my call when you don't come around I'm paranoid but that's normal you ignore my paranoia or tell me not to be because it's just stupid and doesn't do any good it's true but it's so hard to change Rose Womersley 2004

: : mistake : : Whose mistake was I really? His? Hers? My own? Have I become them . . . to hold my own children and with such disregard as was directed towards me it's not over my children will continue this probably in twenty years or so when they have children of their own but mine are not girls, they are boys maybe their wives will be loving not like me or my mother whose mistake did I make by being born why have I been tormented my whole life by fears of dying? whose mistake was that to put such fear, such dread, into the very soul of the youngster that was me did I deserve to die back then before my very birth Rose Womersley 2004

: : moon : delightful : : the moon delightful danced around my head, my eyes were lost within my ears they burnt from hidden sound my heart beat once or twice for him grey shadows lurked inside my soul which dwells in unknown mystic depths a well, dried up, stands lonely, a hole in falling to it pieces of tears once wept fall shatter at the bottom break try gather once or twice but fail few more a chance a risking take

before the cries to loudly wail confusion tries to mask as not but all attempts must die in vain to lose what has the poor soul got when chancing risk-takes once again once river flowing dried up rocks once open doored shut tightly so when so-called 'opportunity knocks' makes all attempts to force them go i look up notice sky has brightened blink eyes wipe tears and smile that i should really be so frightened without has been such lonely while Rose Womersley 2004

: : my : : my lonely my heartache my troubles my nothing because i am just that my loathing because it consumes my all my life and that is just worthless my hands are idle and evil mind is in a quandry love is my heart tremendously beating fate is my soul relentlessly searching for something in which to believe cease and desist such mockery chaos is supreme law you know the wrong truth nothing about me not my eyes so full of hurt no, not my hands, small but hard not my ears unpierced not my inability to feel not even my clothes reveal nothing revealed i make certain you know only that which you choose to know so choose not to know this me or any other me Rose Womersley 2004

: : my : heart : : does it ache? I can't tell... I think it's numb is there pain?

more like an abnormal swelling it's constant, yet changes, dissipates, grows then - - suddenly! stops. wanders around in a lonely desert - like terrain all open with no place to (hide) ... no caves when it rains, it floods, it overflows when it cries, it sobs, it's overwhelmed smile, but ... to no avail it's cold, frozen now hard as a rock, a block of eternal ice how flows the lava (molten) through it and still, it does not. melt, that is. Rose Womersley 2004

: : my : madness : : there is a method to my madness but i don't know what it is there's a giant source of sadness that i find grows lonely still there's a truthfulness in gladness but it hasn't found me yet there are times i think i've had it but i shouldn't take that bet it always comes back at me with much velocity i'm stifled with all that surrounds me but i don't dare admit it people say they know me and i guess they think they do but i let no one near me and that's the terrible truth even when you're next to me my mind is far away i grow weary, still more weary with every passing day Rose Womersley 2004

: : neverish : : resembles the truth evasively rightious confused but not used up quite yet round about neverish running a race with my enemy

don't resemble a rational thott cut out those inquiries nothing's magical anymore curiosity deepening . . . but wrong who am I to say (think, do?) act outright outrageously . . . to be 'different' you must conform makes stupidity ever more stupid aghast, I cry out scrambled there is no answer Rose Womersley 2004

: : perfect : : But do I hafta be? do everything I hafta be? ever thing around me be? do ere you wonder if you be? ere you wanna just like me? for I am like so diff'rently I realize do I sumtimes mess up But also do I forgive me it. I rebelize myself at you and in your figure speech the of when tried so honestly to be all bestest what you wish me be and failed because you claim that I did not try hard enough well try me on for size again and tell me what you think now of my and me and anyway you'll think a lot and scream to me so what you think of me good life but tell me can't you can't you can't 'cause you're the one wrong now if you please this is My Own Little World of which I am Queen and King Princess and Joker and you're uninvited Rose Womersley 2004

: : psychopathetic : : the undefinable girl unclappable hand running insane

driving herself psychotic pathetic pornography where did my brainland when I shook my head and it stumbled out ran away away from my prison but I'm stuck in it forever no matter where my brain chose to go I am paralyzed and cannot follow all I have is pretending all I see is my own reflection that girl who refuses to look back at me refuses because she's ashamed to be the other half of this entity nevermind that she cannot escape neither can I but I try to feel safe and what is that but an outright lie nothing is safe eventually even the strongest of us will die the melody of a long forgotten song replays itself for a fleeting moment before it's gone Rose Womersley 2004

: : (secret) : : all the while i weep i can't control me i do know what's good and what's right i just can't apply it to my life i can't fall asleep i hardly know me mind bursting with nonstop nonsense keep analyzing my hesitance such silly reminiscence wiggles out from my unsteady grasp you walk by, i dare cast a glance i chance a peek at your handsome self your charm attracts me, distracts me never do i know just what to say to you never dare i tell that i'm in love with you almost, once; i thought of it revealing my deepest secret - but did not i used to write of childish things now i find that nothing has changed i still fantasize about love through on hope i've given up i know it won't come true my secret life with you you'll be here inside my head i'll love you until i am dead Rose Womersley 2004

: : she : & : i : : she saw something and jumped shivered to death, scared and I too understand the tragedy and suddenly smaller than I've ever felt nothing to say nor to express no ways to communicate 'poor kid,' I think but what do they think of me? when they see my face see me with my braids and batman pants see me with my care bear shirt what do they really think of me when I tell them my age and my past, my kids, my life? are the stares real or imagined? the thotts I hear in glances cast are they merely my own reflections of what I would see if I were them outside of my body lots of times I've been outside of me looking in at me looking, examining, overemotional and I am alone with myself it's like there's two of me one that knows/sees/hears everything and one that's always oblivious Rose Womersley 2004

: : shield : of : fears : : down in the dungeon of my soul there resides a ghostly part of me it is the part of me that loves in hidden depths there does survive the part of me that still can care concealed by the bigger part of me the part that has refused to feel grew numb, for it had felt too much could not bear the thought of more therefore shut itself down for repairs shyly glancing from within the confines of its secret haven, dark and damp not quite brave enough to reveal it's nearly forgotten existence for fear of being seen, it shrinks back farther away from the vulnerabilities of public life - unwilling, perhaps unable to take this crucial risk, that one step towards the heart of another

Rose Womersley 2004

: : shown : : it's nothing i want to hide nothing i want to show just something deep inside of me worming it's way to the surface of me turning me inside out because of you and you don't know how strong it is you know how long i longed for you how hard i tried to be perfect for you you knew of my infatuation you thought that's all there was i hope i've shown you how much more i feel for you than that Rose Womersley 2004

: : single : stanza : sadness : : the love has died and gone away our hearts, they followed, gone astray the hate has come, it's here to stay I do not want to live this way but it continues, day by day Rose Womersley 2004

: : sometimes : i : : sometimes I just can't eat no matter how hungry I am sometimes I can't stop eating sometimes I just can't sleep no matter how tired I am sometimes I can't get out of bed this is me under the influence of nothing except perhaps love, perhaps loneliness, perhaps stress, perhaps worry wart that I am a side effect of my occasional hyperactivity thought I was calming down a bit with age perhaps I'm wrong Rose Womersley 2004

: : so : there : : if i had to say my name aloud i would not if i had to cry one more tear it would be for you if i had to choose to be with or without you i would choose both and neither if i had to love someone i would be afraid if i had to trust in you i would simply cry if i had to choose between believing you or exposing your lies i would choose to be oblivious pretend to be oblivious if i had to show myself what i can do i would do for you if you said to do for me and not for you just like you did i would still just want to do for you if you told me to leave you alone i would do just that and think of you every day and night just like i have every day and night since we first met if you wanted to take me and love me forever that would scare me more than leaving you if at at at i had least least least to be alone for i wouldn't have i wouldn't have i wouldn't have the rest of my life to face loving you to face not trusting you to face your lies

and why did you lie to me at all if all you wanted to do with me was play why didn't you say so if i had to believe in one thing i would choose to believe in disappointment it's the only constant in my miserable life do i choose to be miserable not anymore now i choose to be happy with me no matter what you do no matter what anybody does but me even no matter what i do if i had to choose to be happy no matter what well i just did so there

Rose Womersley 2004

: : spam : ville : : so sorry feeling anymore not anymore something is wandering my brain apart frightening the hurt away or loving it to death, perhaps swallowing up the stale pride anxious but without a reason why forgetting something once important allowing it to fly away releasing the chains around my heart something beautiful replaced the something ugly hurting something lovely, someone good I'm not stuck any more in hate, self loathing, or fear love the fear: it does protect I shelter the fear but not the pain he kisses the pain he touches my sanity and I go insane knowing that I don't really need to did I choose my destiny or did I fall down into it? did I learn something or will I? all I know for certain is that something good is happening and that something is us however permanent or temporary it may turn out to be Rose E. Womersley 18 October, 2004

: : storm : : as the storm inside me boils over again and I refuse to run refuse to put my life on hold try hard to never think of him try hard to keep my soul alive alone the storm sets in thunder in my heart dark clouds crowd my head fear sweeps across my lonely soul I will not give up hope

no matter what untamed, I'm wild, I'll stay like this my dreams plagued by irrational fears of something vaguely there I stand firm I run away I laugh I cry I live and I will never die never give myself away again never live for someone else again never let my freedom go Rose Womersley 2004

: : stranger : : consider me a stranger for i am not your friend don't put yourself in danger don't rush toward the end do you buy shit you can't afford? do you fall for the ads that you see on tv? do you eat fast food 'cause you're bored? do you dream of what you could do with more money? guess what you're a victim of society but you don't need pity what you need is much more difficult to obtain what you need is to learn to abstain stop choosing according to what 'they' say is cool listen for once when i begin to lecture you materialism kills dilutes the personality i am but a stranger to you but you cannot ignore me Rose Womersley 2004

: : The : Spark : : One day I was wandering and wandering and I came upon a tiny spark. So I bent down to take a closer look, and kneeled down in the muck and gross. The spark was truly a beautiful thing amongst all the gloom. I leaned over to take a closer look, and when my face was mere inches from it, I was able to peer inside it.

Inside this tiny spark I saw many things, good and bad. I was mesmerized by its beauty and ugliness and was drawn into it, hypnotized by its flickering. Hours passed in just a few moments, and the show went on. I felt myself being overcome by it, and was unaware of the destruction around me. My world was being demolished and I continued to stare, and sway, still hypnotized by its everpresent flickering, almost sound at this point. Slowly the world came back to me. It was as if the world had left me alone for a (thousand years) nanosecond. I had been there all along, me and the spark. It was the muck and gross and lonely banished that had gone away for a while. The world was back and there I was, kneeling down in a gutter, getting mud all over my brand new jeans. I grabbed the dirty penny and muttered to myself, "See a penny, pick it up. All the day you'll have good luck." Rose Womersley 2004

: : think : : much confusion . . . i'm surrounded stupid things i say brave enough to stare me down own up, live up to, play make sense . . . think not be daredevilishly outgoing - jump blind (don't mind if i do) run to an illusion - you safe from my silliness . . . maybe, for a while you captured me though i am free i cannot be for long without you here here where am i? if you are there and who am i with you? with much confusion follows me so what am i to do? dare think i thotts of me and you (together) . . . . . . dare i think? Rose Womersley 2004

: : Time : Only : Happens : Once : : the first snow of the year a gulp of winter in my glass of fall luck would do such a thing little white lies make no difference a little confusion never hurt anyone no, never it's getting late in my life and i'm getting scared a little too much age has been added to my childhood now it was so long ago i can hardly see it i sure do miss it thought i'd never get away from it but now i want to go back to it i can force myself to be brave i can rationalize everything but i fear i can change nothing Rose Womersley 2004

: : Undoing : : i don't want to change the way i feel for you i don't want to end the things we do i want for you and me to be like this forever i want to stay with you and you with me there's nothing i can do to stop this change something over which you and i have no control how will i deal with the pain of seperation the loneliness which will surely follow it's not that i cannot live without you i know i can i just don't want to i can be fully independant but it's nice to come home to someone Rose Womersley 2004

Valiance underlings creep through nightly skies winged pleasantly flying by nothingness swallows up your dreams unused, believed, abandoned beings ragged excuses made on a whim lifelights growing evermore dim

nonimaginative minds at play valiently fighting through their day swords swung in jest never drew blood swam distant shores away the flood killed! killed! death becomes apparent fled! fled! fled beyond the battlefield scattered and battered, horrific descent and yet still unwilling were they to yield no rest for the gregarious no rants too strong to die upon crept slowly past and fast the long stole away from tall and strong broadly built with barely dance a thingdom went no second chance no end, no end, the night would stay whispered words to spoken say all dried up the withering woes dancing prancing whither goes Rose Womersley 2004

:: What : Are : You : So : Afraid : Of? :: i thought i saw it snow but i was wrong by the time i realized the illusion was gone i blinked, a shadow lurked somewhere somebody went berserk i sweat naked nights cold wind shivers but i don't i leave on the lights to dissipate what my mind won't old habits die hard so do childish fears that linger on a child plays in a fenced-in yard fears something but can't quite put his finger on it unspecified unclassified don't close your eyes or will it come and tear you up? what are you so afraid of? what are you so afraid of? Rose Womersley 2004

: : why : am : i : such : a : bitch? : : Probably because my mom was a bitch and my dad was so mean and he yelled so much. I can't figure out the more of the which

that affected my mind to become such and such. : : why : am : i : so : controlling? : : Probably because my dad was like that my mom perpetuated his habits like she did, always got slapped if I ever talked back, punished 'till I forgot what I did. : : why : am : i : so : confused? : : Probably because my mom was abused by my dad and so were us kids all the time. I guess it was 'cause of his terrible youth which was probably even worse than mine. I'm bound to a life of pain and agony sporadically single and hating myself. Think back to the formerly innocent me. Wonder if that was the truth of myself. Will my chained up soul ever really be free? . . . of am I destined to forever be stuck in a self-hating wasting destructive rut? Rose Womersley 2004

:: Wonderfulness :: wonderfulness full of wonder and it makes me wonder on loveliness load of leaded bulletholes, now I wonder I wonder what my emotions may solve yeah . . . probably nothing but I can't choose can't push away the medicine ball can't forget the pain that I cannot erase permanently printed onto my brain reminded daily of that stinging pain wonderfulness over yonder with nothing left to ponder dysfunction yeah it's a funny definition to wander Rose Womersley 2004

: : You : : there is the night that haunts my very soul there are the sounds that penetrate my startled ears there are the thotts running through my worried mind and then there is you eating away at me from the inside out Rose Womersley 2004

You're someone who enters my mind and then stays someone I see only every few days someone who seems to be someone to trust someone who compels me to do what I must someone who gives and yet does not receive someone who saw me and chose to believe somewone whose choices seem better than mine someone who has stolen my heart and my mind someone who always knows just what to do this someone I think of is you Rose Ellen Womersley April 2004

: : about : to : die : : (a children's chant) waiting for that one last breath the one that lasts until my death anticipating the journey long that starts before i know i'm gone i pray that i will make it there to the place they've told me where the many pretty angels sing the place where i will get my wings i know it's time to tell you now i'm sure i'll see exactly how when it's time for me to pass through this diamond looking glass i promise i will fly above raining down on you my love i promise i will give you a sign to show you i made it here on time i'm sorry that i couldn't stay here with you another day pray my soul to heaven's chime as my heart beats one last time Rose E. Womersley 9 November 2005

: : a : vision : of : darkness : : it comes to me mysteriously and only when I cannot see the objects right in front of me appear as dots and spots you see I felt the need to say no more and still they would not leave the floor I wished that if I slammed the door the folks outside would come no more fame came to me one fateful day I not concerned with naught but play I began to see with visions instead of with my eyes frightening how I could see only that which had been scribed by my cursed right hand but still nothing could ever be real nothing but me and my eyes the ones telling me all sorts of lies myself and this pen that I can't see

my vision has been stolen from me what's the deal with majesty purple mounted diety Rose E. Womersley 12 November, 2005 Awaiting somebody mumbled my name when no one was around the dirt under my fingernails is something to pretend is not there Billy Joel sings me a lullabye my head, cradled in my arms and I look up without moving the tick of the clock is a hammer in my head the walls lean away from my back the door leans in to whisper at me and tells me how alone I am "I knew that," I crackle and start at the sound of my voice as if I had a choice Rose Ellen Womersley 28 December 2005 : : back : : my therapist is on vacation no one cares anymore more back inside the inside is out out of the in nice time acceptable how much is acceptable what is not out of the norm what is inside of the norm are you normal am i ab fantastic unbelievable what are you thinking what are you doing what is your name what is the problem don't let me hurt you just because you hurt me back i'll hurt you back take back take it back give it to me nevermind

Rose Ellen Womersley 2005

: : bit : : durably terrible dulcification i have been dulcified he has surreptitiously dulcified his confuzzled little nasty girl she is a crazy one but he doesn't mind at all and when he is crazy too neither does she mind a bit Rose Ellen Womersley 2005

: : but : if : it : were : : most of the time but then again this may be too ridiculous to say out loud but don't think so loud quiet but please don't dare now the time and strikes the bird and wakes the dangerous thott now the dared too much and the whispered sigh between the day it came it went funny thinking look the naught and ought we to still be ought the living naught dead prayers for the dead prayers for the living what for the living-dead and waht stillness for the dread fully sorry for the way that we are wishing idle thott Rose Womersley 6 November, 2005

Catch circular abstractions multiple purifications I never take vacations I Sunday drive ever Tuesday evening

catching them staring ouf of the corner of their eyes turning away quickly but I see them anyway such is the life of a murderess stains on my hands living in emptiness catching a problem such as myself my life is not precious because of my Self outside of me walking around all the personalities that I used to possess have escaped from within and run amok without not a care in the world having been freed from my cell pretty bald worldsliding on a hill under a cloud blocking the sun bringing the rain to my life Rose Ellen Womersley 28 December 2005

Drone he shuffles by with a blank look on his face that generic stare as though he were lost in space time never stood still for people like him life was a game he never even tried to win so he shuffled through life like a trailer hitch a pawn in someone else's game with which to go along playing by someone else's rules discarded in the end like a case of rusty tools never confused because he refuses to think and the emptiness of him mind is what drove him to drink the numbness masks the void of playing the game as a humanoid Rose Ellen Womersley 28 December 2005

The Ghost of Implied Tragedy came and revealed my thoughts to me of a drunken mind broken down over time who is the next one in line standing to wait for the sign and the sign said go so we went when the sign said stop we would halt

and the song we sing to the beat of the same old drum with one life not unlike this side of the wrong way gone up to down this path hidden so we laugh strikes once more and again evil escapes so I fall down to sleep but not for a longer while crackers dried too faint true truth begone dance to the wicked stance of the transmatic evil guide me to the top and let me fall bruise the bladders of hope sudden liking for hungry go out of the night Rose E. Womersley 21 December, 2005

: : how : i : met : the : mystic : : the blind girl writes a spell to cast how long will her sorcery last the blind girl writes but can she see as she prescribes a solution for me my troubles are many but hasn't she got some of her own to put in the pot the blind girl's hand moves fast then slow what mysteries she writes I cannot know the mystical girl with eyes of gray has only to blink to have her way the blind girl casts a spell for me I ask why she doesn't let herself see the sorceress answered not with words but with the musical singing of birds then I began to understand her vision lay deep within her hand for as she sang her hand still moved letters deep into an unseen groove Rose E. Womersley 12 November, 2005

: : in : contemplation : of : the : value : of : human : life : : broken minds think alike not the same thotts but similar thott-patterns mine might say, "i want to die" yours might respond, "i want to kill" either way something faces death and someone is relieved of pain a temporary fix versus a permanent one but every pain relates to every hurt freedom doesn't wait on any other side who doesn't want to know that it's just a state of mind we are all going to die some of us will die today that's not for us to know . . . or to decide it's for the cycle it's all about the cycle something is born to take the place of something that died and so it goes or so it should and would if we would let it Rose E. Womersley 8 November 2005

: : made : me : feel : : she is not supposed to sing this song and i am thinking a thott that i ought not but surrounded by thte things that sour my soul jumbled up inside my brain these hard thoughts to think save me this anguish but alas you can not neither can i save me from myself neither can the thoughts abandon my head neither can my happiness return neither can my sadness be true and singing still the song not ought and thinking still the thoughts i ought not nothing can be so true as the nothing within these the walls around me i have build up and build on and stood on defended rampaged and this voice in my head it stays

and this netherworld of fears it betreays going all around myself in circles i fancy a sort of freedom within you a sort of hidden little world Rose Ellen Womersley 2005

Mob Mentality step out of my brain and into my life crawl out of the depths to witness the strife morbidly ill disillusioned young love chasing after a dream that is too far above desperation is futile and painfully cliche dive into the fire, get out of my way every thought is impure but they dare not confess avoid condemnation by the man in the black dress desperate attempts not to fall in the hole break partly away from the obvious role tried viewing their world in a realistic light tripped up on the reasons behind 'the good fight' ways beyond thoughts in the right of the mind drilling your head with your heart left behind Rose E. Womersley 20 December 2005

Necessity writer by nature we are supposed to die there can be no future if we refuse to allow the present to become the past everybody dies especially you how arrogant to try to live forever he didn't die because he ate meat he died because he was 84 we are not even supposed to live past 30 when will it stop when will "we" accept death it's ridiculous the audacity to even think of attempting to "reverse the aging process" we'd best stop having children I'd rather die tan take pills "to keep myself alive" when it is my time to go no feeding tubes or iron lungs just let me go no pacemakers or daily medications let me die

Rose Ellen Womersley 2005

: : or : ever : will : : in my life in my head now i wish i wasn't dead how am i supposed to feel why am i so full of dread something lives inside of me what is it what does it mean my brain, my thotts, my Self is lost things you always say to me: i made it up i'm seeing things there's something wrong inside my head do you know what it is looking at the world through a broken mind broken heart broken eyes fix me up and tell me that it's gonna be all right it's useless now to tell me how i shouldn't be so paranoid i'm fearful and i'm lost inside i wish that i could see it all the world through broken eyes is black brain attacks mind escapes body runs away i don't know what comes next i don't know what you expect what you did what you said to her i wish that she was dead what is wrong what is right how am i supposed to change how i feel what i think nothing ever seems to make any sense none at all i used to never need to drink now it seems all the time all i do is waste my time wondering why i can't make sense of what is in my mind it actually makes sense to me even if you'll never see why i can't let go of what it is that cripples me

don't you see it's so hard to define myself to you don't you hear my voice when i try to explain but i cannot find the words that will make you see why i am the way i am and it seems so often rather hopeless losing seems to be my way of life don't feel bad or sorry for me simply say what's on your mind why she has a hold on you you're good to me and i try to be as good to you as you are to me but i can't get her off my mind jealousy eats me up tears apart everything i try to do or say to you i can't ignore can't pretend the things i see are not the truth can't understand how your brain will let you think that i am blind or deaf or dumb or that i'm supposed to be okay with knowing that you will not stay away from her for long you'll go back you always do even though we fight each time all i need is none of her intruding on our life all i need is all of you and none of her but you refuse to understand what's abnormal and i can't talk to you because you just accuse me of making things up even though we both know that's not true no i will never stop hating her or the attention she seeks from you i don't seek attention from her man or any other man but you or does that even matter to you should i "hang out" with other men to see how you would feel or if you would care or even notice every day i grow more angry and paranoid because i know we will "have to" be around her and i will want to kill her and every time i try to tell myself that what i see is not the truth i can't because it's a lie experience has taught me not to trust because every time i do it's in vain she thinks of herself as an enchantress which is true, she is because enchantress is just another word for slut i won't talk to you because even when i do

you don't care you refuse to admit the truth which is so obvious but if you enjoy my anger then do what you pleas and who you want but if you want to be with me then be with ONLY ME you know my policy on sharing: i don't, i won't and the reason i put this on my web site is because it doesn't call me a liar and i know it will be here for me unlike every man who ever has (or ever will) let me down it won't lie to me or cheat on me or leave me and if you read this and your feelings get hurt then just remember every time you ever spoke to "her" and multiply your hurt by a thousand and then you'll know a little of how i have been feeling am i cruel? yes i am i have to be you know why the more walls i put up the less you can hurt me the more i rant here the less i'll rant at you because i cannot hold it in and it will not dissipate this is my outlet this is my refuge my "hidey-hole" my Safe Place Rose E. Womersley 3 November 2005

: : ponderings : of : a : wiser : woman : : take the so-called beaten path to know for certain where you'll end up in case you weren't wondering the speed of life outweighs the importance of what you do with it when i die will i regret not publishing or will i regret not writing enough or will i regret nothing and go "to the light" and float up to some vision of heaven only to be jerked back to life by a machine why go to so much trouble to keep me here the earth won't notice me gone the sky won't miss me at all the rotting remains of my body won't care

whether i'm buried, burned, donated, or studied but a student might find my remains to be quite interesting to cut up and look at under the lens of a microscope i don't believe in futile fights wasting my time trying not to die who really wants to live to be two hundred anyway so you can live off of social security that by the way won't be there for you live longer so you can put more lawsuits for age discrimination good for you, you're two hundred and two but i refuse to pay for your fifteen medications that you take every day living on stolen time that's right, i said stolen we already live too long can't anybody see we aren't supposed to live forever Rose E. Womersley 8 November 2005

Promises we make them all the time guess what we mean it's nothing and no one it's hereafter and everything that we wanted imagine a world without pain would we all die would we all be alive still how many of us still live alive and cry you cut me open and took from me my unborn child and I, left to die, alone now how am I supposed to care and not just lie down and die Rose E. Womersley 21 December, 2005

: : reason : : convenience was it insulting or a relief that he stayed even when he wanted to leave just because that would have been a major inconvenience

is it horrible that I was not entirely surprised at least he was honest, right does this change what is or how easy it will be means I was right all along right all along saw what he thought I didn't what he thought was hidden but there is no hiding from me I see I see what others don't my inner eye knows and I knew from the start I knew it all and proved myself right don't look at me like that I'll have to do what you hope not I'll go and then what I'm not psychic but I am incredibly narcissistic if you don't believe me I don't care if you regret just as long as I don't not worth that much effort the windows to my soul are all painted black yours are cracked and broken and empty space within each took what we needed so we could leave better off what will I do just follow my plans what will you do what are your plans will you stay with her I hope so for the sake of hurt I told him he's in love with her and he didn't even deny it you thought I never heard you whispering with her in the kitchen you thought I didn't know about your secret lust affair but I exposed it and you couldn't even deny it if you read this and get your feelings hurt it's your own damn fault for looking where you shouldn't and I'm not sorry but you should be I was right about those songs playing what you are too weak to say cute how you come home early as though trying to catch me at something I'm not even doing I hope you weren't expecting forever there's no such thing don't fool yourself

Rose E. Womersley June 2005

: : sadism : with : a : twist : : The worst thing in the world is going to the gynecologist. I have met women who don't think it's really that bad. "Just lay back and look at the picture and pretend you are somewhere else." The picture they are referring to is on the ceiling above you as you lie back on the table with your feet in the stirrups allowing a Satanist to perform torturous, invasive rituals to the most intimate part of your body. The first thing you see are the Jaws of Death. You may have heard rumors of this deadly device. It is real. So they shove this cold metal thing up in you and force you open like one might a turkey they are about to stuff for Thanksgiving. Except instead of filling you up with stuffing they take a giant Q-Tip and scrape it against anything they can find inside you. Then comes the removal of the Jaws of Death. It makes a noise comparable to that of a rusty dungeon door. Your personal sadist yanks it out without further ado and you are left wide open and wanting to kill the next person who mutters the word gown. Rose Ellen Womersley 2005

: : skitzobabol : : i did it on purpose to mess with you i won't say i'm sorry it isn't true and what did you expect that i would do i won't say a word you don't want to hear i won't go away if you stay right here we decide to stay for another year and what will we do with each other did you know i don't need any other i know that you don't think that i could ever be

what it is you need well let me see if you don't think that i could be as good as her why don't you leave if you don't know by now who i really am what makes you think you can hold me in your hand you won't let me go and i don't want to know what you do with her the dirty bitch would it change a thing if we were rich how am i supposed to trust in you all the dirty things i know you do i can't look away from your face there's a pool of tears in this place you're so full of shit and yourself maybe i should go do something else maybe i should stay and watch tv you could finally say what you mean what about my life isn't that important too i don't want to die until i know you're coming too live another day live another night i'll unmake the bed you turn out the light you think i'm insane and i need drugs incoherent and i speak in tongues Rose E. Womersley 3 November, 2005

Tardy Parts bodies buried under my feet under my house under the street bodies falling out of the sky we never even bothered to ask why we didn't mean to burn them alive it's just that it was such a long drive and some of us might not have survived but for the fact that we burned them alive every so often the smell of the flesh that turned so deliciously to serpentine all seemed to be doing well and fine we held our breaths and took our time so lowly our whatnots so unbecoming of a body so similarly the semi-cliche so wondrous that it stopped to make sense and then started again to take running an off ran off into the darkness blue for other interests to pursue soundless mind melancholy sadness sympathetic mourning why so sudden why so quick don't bother to tell me you're going oh wait it's too late you already didn't you could have been so much to us but all that you are now is gone will we ever see your pretty face again will we ever hear your voice you didn't seem to distance yourself at all before you vanished somehow we could have loved you Rose Ellen Womersley 27 December, 2005

: : the : martyr : : so you thought you were wrong again but at least you get to so you tought but guess you're in the hell that it's a void i'm annoyed dying for a good cause go to heaven what you thought you'd avoid

what do you hear when no one is speaking it's that which you must contemplate and you have the rest of time all of it Rose Ellen Womersley 2005

: : the : serial : killer : next : door : : the world is not a lovely place don't close your mind to that disguises the hurt and the shame and you see what you want to see let it control and it only gets worse you think there's something needs to be done but looking in the wrong direction will only pull you backwards and down into your denial there's nothing right with unsolicited optimism it's not okay to get your feelings hurt but it is to cry out for help by killing someone as long as you plead insanity kill your unborn child but don't kill the serial killer next door and feign disbelief when he kills one of your own drugs are not a disease they are a decision murder is not a mistake it is a decision lonely is not an excuse it is a scapegoat fear is not a factor it is a dwelling just because you think you are doesn't mean you'll get away with anything you see you are not invincible like me I see through your amateur facade you can't fool me I don't pretend to think I'm fooling either that's the difference I know my own misgivings but still I won't embrace your solutions what is me is mine don't question I am not the rapist I am not the murderer I am not the pedophile I am not the accident I am not what haunts your empty soul not what wants to take away from you look but you will never find

by questioning my misunderstandable motives ask but you will never hear what you want to hear no matter how loud you scream or how far it is till you cry you in you all out of me I'm alone can't you just get that without pushing me why without pressing my conscience without fearing the answer conclusions you jump to they show something that you think you should see I know because conclusions stalk me too what do we come to them for if all they do is make us paranoid we pretend not to want to be but the serial killer next door would beg to differ Rose E. Womersley 2005

: : thought : : it came out of the darkness and into the light and stared at you but you didn't even notice nasty vile thing watched maybe I won't even tell you maybe I'll go into the night maybe you'd put up a fight or I could cry for you why would I juggle two men when I really don't even want one man expecting all sorts of impossibilities of me I can't stand attempting to live up tot he standards of one man why would I put myself in the position of having two sets of standards to burden me am I not stifled enough have I really room in my (heart?) for two have I the patience to put up with two wondering what I'm up to when I'm not with him am I such a big personality I need multiple men to make sense of me each in their own masculine way do you really think I have the stamina

to even try to please another Rose E. Womersley June 2005

: : trespassers : be : ware : : you dare to wander into unfamiliar territory this barren land is not as empty as it may seem dirt mongrels stalk unwary adventurers devouring all evidence of the existence of an outside world from this greedy place from this wasteful land an aura glows so brightly as to warn away trespassers so dark as to frighten the farthest corners so terrible the fate that awaits the unwary bleached white bones decorate the white ground crunching and cracking beneath heavy boots I pity the fool come searching for loots possessed of a nature more vile than most for this very trait is the one that I boast you think yourself daring adventurer dead you'll see what I mean when my wolves eat your head you'll wish you had never come to this land that has been four times blessed by my hand did you not see my warning signs, fool? did you not drink from my poisonous pool filled with the blood of many a man who dared to set foot into my sacred land Rose E. Womersley 12 November, 2005

: : troubled : mortality : : worlds of rocky icement protection of shooting the center hold keep the spies down completely crush the neverend all of my safe all of my worlds belong what's the backwards what's the trill fine fine the allies the many ways out of life things regrettable not catching up don't let them don't allow them to rule the remembering a balancing act of all things VULNERABLE troubled mortality inside my head less the deathless

time I hear is less than the place where you are non whereabouts it's all the different to me you know I OWN MY OWN UNIVERSE don't not wait for the cute wander about aimless like lost and the broken mind unmends and the girl still misses you in a drunken rage she screams at you but you don't hear her at all and maybe every choice was a mistake but at least I got to see the world as "they" never meant for me the me she was is not grown up tried not to never wanted to but I have my gardener now and I am the flower I'm meant to be I am the me within me the secrecy of the hidden me where will I appear next what's the problem with me I do over react with my failures and I do over react with success how did I colored inside the lines outside the boundaries borders go find the why of dwa kwuyka uv dwa nunamd jad e nunamdz mudyka mudwymj ryat paddal dazdi beldz uv ryva ezc mudwymjz yz iuo kem laet dwyz cmuh dwed y rufa iuo Rose E. Womersley 29 November, 2005

: : unmedicated : : the most wakeful hours in the middle of the night most thoughtful time of reason not sulking i should hope expecting exceptional attitudes reminds me of the time i wasn't really me out of body i don't mind lest notions fall out from below sky no limits sighing fribs all the way to my empty mind all the way to reason beings i'm not special am i choking on a ball of march mellow fruiticake creeping over casts of gold the iron golem screams at it

causing the mencil to in me but at least it is not outing me my insanity my music is loud just because it is what it is i can't think without it and just to prove my point i can't start to say what i'm not feeling can't wish upon a dead star dead like you dead like i am not stare at me listen to me screaming at you stare away from me don't listen to a word deny your face deny yourself the truth walk no run away from me myself and you think but not for yourself just don't say a word out of style be but not too much not so you get noticed how dare you be what you are instead of what you think the world wants you to be don't live for yourself live for society be civilized unless society wants differently be unaware of what's real and for true as long as you agree never to disagree never to walk away or separate or alienate don't be free be captured don't be afraid to choose unless you would choose differently from me just be yourself as long as the right people approve just change to fit yourself into "their" idea of right and good make sense to us or we will kill you think for yourself as long as you believe what i believe which is to believe in everything except that which can be proven why i am so frustrated no reason just everything and everyone and i am still stuck on this miserable plane of existence Rose E. Womersley 7 November 2005

Unsolitary by my very nature I have always been alone

by the very nature of society it envelopes me so I push it away and will it to be gone except for my longing to be noticed nothing outshines my longing to be alone alone and noticed don't generally seem to fit together if you think about it though it really does make a bit of sense the volume is up the lighting is low anonymously I would rather remain safe tucked away in a realm of misinterpretations you might think you are alone but there we are all billions of us waiting to jump into your skin your coverings don't cover my voice this unsatisfying form of life we refuse to admit the obvious killing ourselves with a drug so powerful more powerful than the will to live rather die than to admit denial my desk remains my vehicle to drive my voice as I shout at you and your ears are deaf to my pleas you take another pill I take another drink addicted I click Rose Ellen Womersley 28 December 2005

Where Have all the Whispers Gone? where have all the whispers gone they're not in my ear where have all the whispers gone they're no longer here I remember summer days floating clouds above I remember long gone days we were so in love holding hands and laughing too how we cherished time loving always holding you precious was the time days and nihgts with passion spent truly happy, we every promised word was meant why this tragedy something happened along the way

was it you or me something disappeared one day where could our love be you're no longer here with me we've gone our seperate ways you are not in love with me I cry lonely days where have all the whispers gone they're no longer here where have all the whispers gone they're not in my ear Rose E. Womersley Sunday, December 18th, 2005

Control Freak dead ends - that's what my life is all about these days I invented pessimism, it follows me I feel pathetic but it suits me fine my misgivings are indeed my saving grace fears protect me from further hurt need for control protects me from being controlled for if I am not in control then someone else must be and that will never happen again the slightest vulnerabilities, suppressed! not let to show at any time to be out of control of the circumstances by which i am surrounded to be out of control of what happens to me is unacceptable (fatal, even) I learned it through experience (the 'hard way') don't care about goals except to rule my own little world Rose Ellen Womersley 2 January, 2006

Forever forever the fear of the Dread brought to me on a stream of doubt what's the next step in this pattern of death? where do we go and what will it be for me? oh for a day without the Dread Rose Ellen Womersley 4 January 2006

Hiding Place I hide in the bathroom crouched on the floor in the stall at the end where nobody goes and nobody knows that I'm hiding from death Rose Ellen Womersley 4 January 2006

I Stood Akimbo I could force myself to go through the motions all over again her anger, directed inward, spills out take me out and tie me up in the woods so you can shoot me a gap gasps wide open in front of me and my smile pasted on a crumb of doubt is placed before me upon a golden platter and the more I eat, the more I have Rose Ellen Womersley 6 January 2006

It Comes With a Chill the Dread attacking my all the Dread overcoming my Dread stealing my life stealing my soul what will I do about the Dread? I can't stop fearing my breath is short my heart will stop my mind will go but where will it go when the Dread comes true? I don't want a nothing to swallow my mind how will I know? the Dread has me and I have the Dread in my body in all of me consumed by the Dread Rose Ellen Womersley

4 January 2006

Killer Abstractions who is this body under my control yet this is a cage for me whose hands are these out in front of me whose feet walk the ground below surely not mine, I don't know them at all whose hair do I brush every day? whose eyes are these giving me a headache she is not me and I am not her but here we are, her body and my mind two and one and all at once a flop, a flip, but there is no switch to throw there isn't an off or an on, just a static the feeling of missing my own life and not wanting to have taken over this other woman's put me back I wasn't supposed to grow up at all I wasn't supposed to grow up I was supposed to be a little girl forever nobody wants to know this woman who I must pretend that I am until I can move on who is she and why does she write no, that was me, I am the one who writes I just have to use her fingers to type and her eyes to see, and her brain to think but this is not my life I am not this abomination who is this person whose life I must live and where the hell did I go? where did I leave my body? does she have it, is she in it using it and abusing it and allowing it to grow old like it should never never have to grow up or grow old it's just wrong to allow such terrible things to become of my real body so now I must go off on a search for myself to give this body back and get back into mine Rose Ellen Womersley 11 January 2006

Lampshade Girls dancing in a corner with a lampshade on her head a drink in each hand and a girl at her side everybody sees ehr but no one knows her name

sings to ehrself in a soft soft voice with a lampshade on her head and a girl at her side dancing in the corner is the girl without a name makes a wish upon a star that isn't even there no one really sees her face, it's hidden in a cloud dancing but she's falling but she doesn't even know falling in the corner with her shirt down on the floor sleeping in her mind but yet awakened by the sound but sound it isn't really must be imaginary Rose Ellen Womersley 2 January, 2006

Look, I Wrote A Song water burns my throat into a peppermint shake nothing that I do will ever banish this ache I'd swallow my pride but then I would drown I'd run but Life always chases me down and grabs my shoulders and gives me a shake menacing eyes stare into my face a gaping black mouth with no tongue or teeth a grating old voice with a stench like rotten cheese shouting to me they are raising the stakes I can't even get to an easier place for there is no exit from this cage I am in my body is a prison in this game I can't win Rose Ellen Womersley 10 January 2006

Lost In a Life Without Reason feelings disrupted facing the wrong way known to the unknown what has become one or the burnt in hell for listening to that kind of music learned from the old days forgotten but not lost, never lost to you yearn not for translation will dull dumb down your moods if you cure your disease the attention will follow Rose Ellen Womersley 3 January 2006

No Grounds the ground falls away from my city I have a full tank of gas that I couldn't afford and with that you say we should go for a drive what a crazy scene for a metaphore I wake up in the morning with a bad taste in my mouth so I say your name so I can spit it out we drive in the dark of the city with no ground I stay quiet, say nothing, and look over at you with your eyes on the road Rose Ellen Womersley 6 January 2006

Not Mine these are not my hands in front of me these are not my eyes that let me see these are not my thotts inside my head this is not me wishing I was dead Rose Ellen Womersley 6 January 2006

Quietly Interrupted you broke into my secret world I don't know how you got in at all I locked every window and secured the only door but you were there when I went in last night you didn't speak a word but you knew all the tricks except flying, I had to show you that when you took my hand and we flew above the piranhagons you must have drilled a hole into my mind to get in without my permission how dare you know the secret place where I go to be alone with my inventions how dare you go -- did you follow me in? I covered my tracks and still you came in I have told you of this place but never how to get there from here there is only one way in, or so I thought so how did you know? which way did you go? what is your secret for interpreting mine? Rose Ellen Womersley 12 January 2006

Remember Me all I want is to live forever for someone to remember me for something to remain but all will be lost unless I remain how can I know they will not forget unless I remain how hard should it be? to leave my own legend how can I be remembered and for to last forever all I have to give are my words my precious words will last forever but my body and life belong to the Dread unless I remain Rose Ellen Womersley 4 January 2006

Slunk slunk nefariously behind the row of cans in thickly shadowed alleyway lurked with the evilst of intents, the darkest of thoughts, and planned the fate of the world known only as fear, fear strikes all unexpectedly; unseen, unheard, unassuming watched silently the children on their way to bed, to sleep and dream the night away crept noiselessly in the window, cruel intentions all over the place from secret hidden hideaway far from the light of day Rose Ellen Womersley 2 January 2006

So Cold With the Dread so full of the Dread and what can I do to rid of the Dread so cold, am I dead? so cold but I can still cry

the tears of the dead so afraid of the Dread my awareness is the most precious to me but the Dread wants to steal it from me and my heart, thick, pounds my body shivers am I still alive? Rose Ellen Womersley 4 January 2006

Three Story House The three story house was blue, with maroon shutters. All of the windows had long ago been carelessly boarded up or nailed shut. There was a hundred year old weeping willow drooping in the front yard, which was hidden beneath a blanket of fallen leaves in varied states of decay. It was one of those old houses, with a porch that ran all the way around and a rickety outhouse in back that had been out of use for seventy or eighty years. A rotted out tire lay half buried below the weeping willow, part of a rope still tied to it, the other part still hanging from a branch. The branches hung low, many nearly touching the ground. The air was still. Everything stood still as if in silent meditation. A skin-and-bones calico cat lay dozing on the foremost rail of the porch, which looked as though it could collapse at any moment. Weed of all shades of green stood tall around all sides of the house and lined the cracks of the sidewalk. A couples of roses were just starting to bloom on a bush attempting to climb up the side of the brick chimney. Everything was still damp from the morning dew, yet to be dried by the sun, just beginning to rise over what had once been the horizon but was now a jagged line of skyscrapers in the distance. The sound of traffic just barely managed to creep into the dead silence fo the old farmhouse, but there one no one there to listen. It had been almost two generations since the house's last occupants had moved out. There had been a scare with the lead paint, a little girl had almost died. Then came the tests that indicated the presence of other harmful substances, such as asbestos and mold. No one had wanted to spend the money to fix up the house and so it had been left to rot for fifty years. Now the property was surrounded by a temporary chain link fence with "Rent-AFence" and "No Trespassing" signs posted every ten feet, alternately. Presently the silence was interrupted by sounds of diesel engines, growing louder by the minute. The calico's ears twitched. He took his time in stretching, looking around, and then curled up again to resume his nap. Inside the house there was a stirring as the machines drew nearer. Two men jumped from a front loader to pull the giant gate open, and something flashed in a window. It was something the workers would never have paid attention to even if they had seen it. As they started to walk back to the piece of heavy equipment, the front loader suddenly shifted gears and lurched forward. One man was crushed immediately under the weight of the giant bucket, which fell on him. The other man struggled to climb up onto the machine to try and stop it, but was pulled under the great rear wheel as it rolled forward with increasing speed. Rose Ellen Womersley 3 January 2006

Walk Around walk around in utter confusion double the bet may I please may I just for one moment of your time please ask this one small simple question can you stand up and say that you know who you are lies, lies, and lies Rose Ellen Womersley 3 January, 2006

Rose's Thorn Thorn = Other Rose violence throws kicks stabbed Mrs. Warner 1989 psych ward 1998 attempted suicide 2007 psych ward 2007 What will Thorn do next? Rose is (slightly) in charge for now. Orange pills 1989 Zoloft 1998 Zoloft 2006 Geodon 2007 Lamictal 2007 Thorn kicks holes in walls Rose paints walls Thorn throws chairs, threatens death Rose would never harm anyone Thorn is Rage. Uncontrollable Rage. Hate. Rose is cuddly, regresses, just hold her. Like a ragdoll. Rose E. Womersley 09/03/07

<h1>Rose Vs. Thorn</h1> Thorn usually wins<BR> gets to do whatever she wants<BR> whenever she wants<BR> then goes away just in time<BR> for Rose to suffer<BR> the consequences<BR> Thorn wins every fight<BR> takes over at every oportunity<BR> or maybe springs out<BR> when least expected<BR> Rose was a victim of Thorn<BR> a prisoner of Thorn<BR> protector of Thorn<BR> and Thorn so ungrateful<BR> winning and taking and hurting<BR> and destroying Rose from the inside out<BR> Rose with no cards to play<BR> Rose who succumbs too easily<BR> Thorn all greedy uncaring<BR> Thorn 300<BR> Rose 3<BR> How can Rose ever win against Thorn?<BR><BR> 09/03/07

<h1>Thorn is the Creative One</h1> and rose is trying to kill her<BR> or hide her<BR> subside her<BR> how can rose pretend to know<BR> how to create<BR> without the hate<BR> how can rose go on living<BR> without thorn's giving<BR> to her creativity<BR> that's such a big part of me<BR> who will write the poetry<BR> used to flow so beautifully<BR> whose hand controls the pen<BR> whose mind will think of then<BR> the thing that must be written<BR> the thing that won't be hidden<BR> and who will be left to create?>BR? (Poess)<BR><BR> Rose E. Womersley<BR> 09/11/07

no sense making no likes this thing is my brain that other thing is my mind and both resemble partly stewed emotions not trying hard enough escape break away run is she lost yet can she ever be found again she runs and she hides and escapes the danger the danger of sense making I am her and she is me and we are each other and that is the dedication Rose Ellen Womersley 10:07 AM 5/12/2010

Hear Me hearing and listening are two different things. you can hear without listening but can you understand? do you listen when I cry for help? I need you! when I need you are you there for me? am I the biggest burden? should I run when I need to hide should I stay and face myself are you my best friend or my worst enemy or is that me I'm talking about is the thing that I am defining you i would rather you define yourself despite my agony your life is busy and stressful mine is empty and dull I am a full-time person and a full-time disease you are a full-time delusion to me I invented you I need you to hear everything when I try to run away to pull me back from the edge to show me my delusions make me face them and myself make me be normal Rose Ellen Womersley 3:58 PM 5/12/2010

The Meds it's a battle I'm fighting against the bad side of me

who will be victorious? i flail my arms and my brain around i fly to the moon in my dreams and back how can I cope with a serious lack of hope show me the way, show me how disgusting, my lack of compassion perplexing, my incessent desire the world is on fire my brain is aflame and what is going to stop that burning? Rose Ellen Womersley 12:30 PM 5/13/2010

it's a new day let's make it a good one please forgive me for whatever you think I did wrong or tell me so I know it's a misty day outside let's make it clear on the inside don't walk around stomping your feet don't hide in bed leaving me all alone that's my job, don't you know you are leaving me frustrated with not knowing what you want from me Rose Ellen Womersley 7:16 AM 5/14/2010

don't say nothing say something let me know what's going on inside your head say whatever you are thinking and I will listen say what you want me to know and i will hear you i will hear your words and take them to heart see my face and kiss my lips and hold me tightly in your arms Rose Ellen Womersley 10:27 AM 5/14/2010