LIFE/STYLE for people who don’t give a flying feck june 2013
As stated in the call for submissions, Miz Bagg has liberally exercised her right to fiddle- faddle with the photos. Remember – you asked for it.
VOGOFF is published by Miz Bagg and her haggard assistant Melanie at Bag and a Beret. The views expressed in VOGOFF do not exist, and if they do, you heard it here first. HEAD OFFICE: in my mind DISTRIBUTION MANAGER: Whaaa? FASHION EDITOR: No comment. Anyway, it’s not my fault. COVER GIRL: Shelley of Forest City Fashionista
FECKIN’ FREAKY TOENAILS
A COMPANY YET TO BE BORN SHOWN HERE: GARGOYLE TOES AND CURLED FLUTED FRINGED FLOWER TOES, WORN WITH PAINTED SKIN
Hollie of Modern Colors http://moderncolorsblog.blogspot.com
IN THIS ISSUE
4 FASHION TRENDS FEAT. MADAME VIX MUST-HAVE ACCESSORIES COVER GIRL SHELLEY: MY GLAMOROUS LIFE MS LE DERRIERE - Ungodly Antics on HER ESTATE DR HETTIE HACKENBUSH Overexposed! FIGHTING THE SIGNS OF AGING AND OTHER COOL STUFF in no particular order
DRESSING FOR SHOPPING “This move is not recommended for novice divas,” Ms Fatale cautions. “I’ll never forget when my Harmez scarf got caught in the conveyor belt. Bedlam ensued in the store and later on in my penthouse with that sweet fireman.”
“I’m always amazed how people seem to know my name,” says Ms Fatale.
LIFE ON CODE PINK O
“Ms Fatale” of blog Lens is More models her standard shopping attire
DIVA AT CHECK-OUT 4. REPEAT: DIVA AT CHECK-OUT 4. PLEASE SEND FOR BACK-UP. POSSIBLE FEMME FATALE – MAY BE DANGEROUS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
FIGHTING THE billion+ SIGNS of AGING…
THREE WOMEN SHARE. Blah blah blah beauty blah gracefully feckin’ blah blah sophistication blah understated kiss my arse blah blah clean lines blah blah-de full of shite demure feck me role model blah. Paris blah blah Vancouver blahde-dah haute couture blah blah blah never blah blah. blah simplicity bleaaah argh aaah age appropriate gaggity argh.
It’s a battle to maintain my delicate complexion. I always do my best fighting in places that are filthy and smelly, wearing comfortable footwear, for example…
melanie of blog Bag and a Beret
…in a back alley with a ukulele
Wearing: white underwear wedgie style, jeggings pulled down, comfortable shoes, ’20s- style bathing suit, swimming goggles
OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO AM I FIGHTING the SIGNS OF AGING? OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO
Pulleeze, I don’t fight it I finesse it.
Forget fitness wear; Ariane of Style Sud-Est models finesse wear
S E R I O U S L Y !?
FAMOUS MISS DEE DEE CAUGHT RAINBOWHANDED OUTSIDE an EXCLUSIVE PLASTIC SURGEON’S CLINIC
What I love about skin is it’s so, well, it’s so stretchy. You know what I mean? - Miss Dee Dee
“Miss Dee Dee “of blog Hello the Mushroom
SHELLEY: MYGLAMOROUS LIFE
walking the rat
“after rolling out of bed around noon, I take my darling baby for a walk, using the time to scroll through the many wellwishes I receive by email from my devoted fans”
cover girl Shelley of Forest City Fashionista in a pink negligee, Fred wears real fur
Desiree of blog Pull Your Socks Up
addicted to Desiree 1950s garters
You are, no doubt, dear reader, familiar with the situation. One jets off on one's annual break, misses the latest publication of VOGOFF and fails to notice that one's bathing attire has gone off-trend. The shame of facing fellow holiday-makers whilst wearing outmoded designs means confining one’s self to one's room for the remainder of the vacation, missing out on all the fun. Despair no longer. VOFFOFF is proud to exclusively reveal Madam Vix's latest collection –
TOP 4 STYLE TRENDS
B.A.S.T.A.R.D. beachwear by Madame Vix
Bikinis And Swimsuits To Alleviate Real-life Dramas (B.A.S.T.A.R.D. for short)
Invest in Madame Vix's beachwear and one can say goodbye to one's former sartorial woes. Painstakingly hand-crafted by the little-known Yoov-Bin-Ad tribesmen of Latin America, B.A.S.T.A.R.D. is the first ever range of designer beachwear to have a shelf life: once the trend has passed, the garment shrivels and is thus rendered unwearable, meaning no more fashion fauxpas and more time by the pool.
see blog Vintage Vixen
It's the first clothing range in the world to be vegan, 100% organic, gluten- and paraben-free and, rest assured dear readers, the YoovBin-Ads don't get a penny from Madame Vix enabling them to continue in production without getting all hoitytoity.
Prices start at a reassuring $25,000 per square inch and will only be stocked in the most exclusive department stores. Don't forget to show your June 2013 publication of VOGOFF at the till to qualify for a 25% price increase.
Madame Vix models one of her latest B.A.S.T.A.R.D. design ensembles
MATURE BOYFRIEND STYLE
Val Sparkle in Mature Boyfriend Style, “CHAP” and “PUSSY”
Val Sparkle of blog Late Blooming Sparkle
MATURE BOYFRIEND STYLE
filed by Val Sparkle of blog Late Blooming Sparkle Boyfriend style is for everyone, even if your boyfriend is collecting his pension and you buy your wrinkle cream in gallon jars. Just check out what your boyfriend (husband, life partner, caregiver) wears and adapt it to suit your own tomboy attitude. To complete the mature boyfriend look add socks and button up that collar to stay warm. Make sure you hike your waistband up as high as it will go. And now is the perfect time to start smoking a pipe or cigars and carrying things that jingle in your pocket. You can also stop plucking your facial hair and develop a boyfriend beard, kicking it old school, keeping one step ahead of young women who can only dream of being so on trend without even trying.
Anne M Bray of Spy Girl wears black nylon/spandex bubble knit tube dress (Trash & Vaudeville, NYC, ‘80s), pink tulle petticoat (Cowboy and Poodles, LA, ‘80s), red/black striped leggings (Betsy Johnson, ‘79?), booties (Norman Kamali, ’85), African bracelets and necklaces (Jone Pasha, Providence RI, ‘80s), jumbo chain necklace (The Front Porch, Providence RI, ‘80s), vintage sunglasses (optician, Providence, RI, ‘80s), gingham yardage (Guess sample yardage sale, ’86)
i tulle ya once, i tulle ya twice
Thrift Shop Commando Tammi Von Zalez wears tulle headpiece made from a doll’s dress, pink readers with gemstone inlay, Le Femme dress with embroidery detail, Bill Blass hot-pink-lined curly lamb jacket. All thrifted except pearls.
animal print platform booties for housework
Ed. note: This look won the Excellent Housewife Style Award for 2013. Big thanks to the Mega Fashion Rulers of the Universe Association.
Hollie of Modern Colors models housewife chic
je truly unique but i can obe fashion is advertising owhenever i want laughte r makes the world spin so have spewing BEST flowers that’s to use
ofreedom lives either oguibble feel like it. if i act drunk i’m amateur want to and i don’t cr have to be professional to try something new – in fact, it helps if i’m blissfully unaware sublimey where days count just fabric on flesh crinolining in
so l ip s is tic , so ph omori c and self-indulgent? are iconic i endorphins herever i go and i passion to o do ridiculous stay alive almost feels like flying. if i act sucking in beauty. at every possible mome.nt to
style is charact.er
trying new things keeps breath new – in fact, it help.s if i’m big to GROW AND BE .BOLD - - - - - - -
simple. nothing : the store
for all your interior design and furniture needs
simple. nothing : the store now available at these global geographic positions:
49.203243,-124.848633 40.713956,-96.635742 -33.72434,-70.576172 46.860191,9.667969 -43.004647,147.304688
“I blow and they come running. It’s rather awkward but naughty fun.”
cultural icon MS LE DERRIERE: SHOCKING UNGODLY DECADENCE IN THE ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE. WE WANT IT.
SINCE THE RELEASE OF MS CLEMENTINE LE DERRIERE’s LATEST BESTSELLER, DUST, BAKE, FELLATE, SHE HAS BEEN RAISING EYEBROWS AND OTHER ANATOMICAL BITS ACROSS THE UNITED KINGDOM AND INDEED THE UNIVERSE. “THE BEST THING ABOUT HELP IS THAT THEY HELP,” MS LE DERRIERE TRILLED. “WHO WOULDN’T WANT MY LIFE?”
“SHE BEATS ME IF I DON’T BRING THE PHONE QUICK ENOUGH,” SAID MS LE DERRIERE’S ASSISTANT JACINTA DA MINTA. “SOMETIMES I HAVE TO RUN 5 KM AND THE CORD GETS STUCK IN THE SHRUBBERY.” “SHE THINKS THAT JUST BECAUSE SHE’S TALKING TO THE QUEEN AGAIN SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO BEHAVE LIKE A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING,” MS DA MINTA SNIFFED.
On the phone with the Royals even during our photo shoot. Ms Le Derriere is on everyone’s A List.
FROM HER COUNTRY ESTATE CLEMENTINE SHARED HER NEXT SHOCKING PLANS WITH VOGOFF READERS (NEXT PG)
"I have big plans! I am organising an exclusive boutique festival to be held in the grounds of my house this summer. ClemFest will celebrate my favourite arts - music, fashion, and the oft-forgotten art of love. Free love. (Ticket prices start from £20,000.) I will be available for private relationship consultations and demonstrations - for an additional fee. I want ClemFest to be the new Glastonbury, but with more expensive drugs and better toilet facilities. This summer, let's really go wild in the country.
“IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT, GET OUT OF MY KNICKERS”
“My other exciting new venture is the launch of my online newsletter, CLIT. It will be a heady confection of tips on personal style, romance and domesticity. It's LIterature. It's IT, online, accessible (registration fees as yet undisclosed). I was the IT girl of my generation. It's Essence of CLementine. “I'm so proud of my CLIT. I want the world to share and experience it." VOGOFF can't help but agree this is the dawning of the age of Clementine. We want her life.
私はいつもあなたの後ろにいる のだ。 でもあなたには私を見るのは絶 対に不可能。 ふっと後ろに何か感じる時があ るでしょう。 それが私です。 どうしても私に会いたければ、 寝る前に 強く念じてみること。 あなたの夢の世界の中に私が現 れるかも。 Why this need to understand?
melanie in shoe-o-clava
妖怪の森へようこそ。狐も狸 も熊も一緒。 あなたは既に虜になっている のだ。 狐の嫁入りか。全ては夢の世 界。 幻覚(hallucinatory )のミステ リーゾーン。 妖怪
tablecloth umbrella head new design by iqi
Kiki and Bunny in their latest synchroswimming designs
Synchronized swimming celebrities Kiki and Bunny model their latest designs for the Canadian women’s Oh!Limpiques team. Kiki left: sequin tube top, slacks, and jacket with cutting-edge fish-scale technology; Bunny right: gold bodysuit with faux fur trim for enhanced walrus-like manoeuvrability. Both wear SUPER LUBE eye makeup to reduce facial drag. (photos by Le Jeremy)
Hetti Hack enbu sh.
The Hollywood Tribune Gossip Column 21 July 1954 She's no honey that Hettie! by Marjorie McNeil special to VOGOFF 2013
As those in the know already know, the shameless Dr Hettie Hackenbush, Physicist, Time Traveller, Poet and Homewrecker has been at it again. Our reporter spotted the stumbling hussy as she returned to her accommodation early this morning…
At first Dr Hackenbush chatted happily with our roving reporter, still obviously flushed from her evening's activities and apparently unaware that she had somehow lost her dress and was loitering in the street in her foundation garments. However, once she sobered sufficiently to notice her disgraceful state, she attempted to remove the film from our reporter's camera. A rather unpleasant scene ensued, which unfortunately had to be resolved by a visit from the local constabulary and the attempted arrest of the good doctor, who disappeared during the melee and is believed to have returned to 2013. It is thought that she was in town having 'talks' with Mr Errol Flynn, with whom the diabolical dame has previously been linked in 1949 and 1945. Mr Flynn could not be reached for comment. As usual, the dastardly doctor may return at any time without notice, so lock up your husbands, ladies.
Dr Hackenbush's hugely popular latest collection of poetry 'I want to rape you in the face with my love' has recently been shortlisted for the Nobel Prize for Literature.
see blog Misfits Vintage
SHELLEY: MYGLAMOROUS LIFE
the merla mae
“mingling with the little people, which I try to do, as it keeps me humble”
cover girl Shelley of Forest City Fashionista wears Gatsby-inspired haute couture, thrifted, $7
ACC ESS ORI ES…
must-haves for always
1 vintage welding goggles to protect from sudden paparazzi attacks 2 black gargoyle toenails or fluted fringed flower toenails with stained skin 3 gigantic hats with gigantic sunglasses 4 flowered bathing cap as daywear 5 big weird hat just because
sandra of blog Lens is More
SOMETIMES IT’S BETTER NOT TO KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING BUT WHITE LIPSTICK WILL GET YOU THERE
sandra of blog Lens is More
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HELGA von TROLLOP
What sort of woman reads VOGOFF? The sort of woman who is sharp as a knife; she lives on the edge, with a cutting wit and razor-like instincts. A woman who knows what she wants, and knows where to get it. She's got a big blade and she's not afraid to use it. Fact: VOGOFF is read by 73% of all women who have their own sword and who frock up to kill - literally. If you’re ready to hack off your slab of the good life, let VOGOFF show you how it’s done – bloody rare.
HELGA von TROLLOP models the official VOGOFF office uniform
SHELLEY : MY GLAMOROUS LIFE
Above: At the end of my day, when I am exhausted from just being me and retire to my boudoir, where I am fed grapes by my faithful man servant, Bruno, while I catch up on my reading, because I am more than just a fabulous face. Cover Photo: Having spent my life performing on others’ stages, I decided to build my own and call it Wonderland; I will not be changing my name to Alice. I have so many talents it is important that I spend time each day nurturing each one. Today, I am perfecting my roller-skating matador persona. As a devoted animal lover, of course, I refuse to use a bull, but instead will face a charging herd of Roller Derby girls.
Note from Miz Bagg’s assistant, Melanie of Bag and a Beret: Greetings. You may be wondering where Miz Bagg is. Well, as much as I hate speaking ill of others, Miz Bagg was the biggest feckin’ biatch when preparing this issue, so I couldn’t help sending her on a bogus Fall/Winter 2014 shoot in sub-Saharan Africa. Knowing Her Royal Baggness, she will just end up inventing a miracle facial unguent from rare bat saliva or toxic bug droppings while she’s gone, then breathlessly inform me upon her triumphal return that I am to be the first human test subject. We received so many amazeballs submissions for this issue but sadly couldn’t fit everyone in. You’ve all been stellar and we hope you will VOG with us again. Until next time. Keep thinking with your brain wang. THANKS TO VOGOFF CONTRIBUTORS in no particular order: Shelley of Forest City Fashionista Curtise (Ms Clementine Le Derriere) of The Secondhand Years Sarah (Dr Hettie Hackenbush) of Misfits Vintage Vix (Madame Vix) of Vintage Vixen Sandra of Lens is More Hollie of Modern Colours Ariane of Style Sud-Est Anne M Bray of Spy Girl Sara (Miss Dee Dee) of Hello the Mushroom Tammi Von Zalez of Thrift Shop Commando Desiree of Pull Your Socks Up Val Sparkle of Late Blooming Sparkle Helga, Helga von Trollop Kiki and Bunny: (contact via Melanie)
VOGOFF©melanie kobayashi 2013