I went service at my regular church service this morning.

After that, I went to buy some stuff and went to meet my dad. I had been very sad because my beloved brother has hurt me and made me cry. I feel really stupid after assuring him I still love him though he abused me verbally. I doubt he cares about me. and I am sad that I still care for him, because it hurts real bad. I have spent the majority of his life teaching him to walk the narrow path of the Lords. but now he has gone astray, smoking and drinking with some questionable characters. It saddens me a great deal and I am angry and disappointed. Imagine, he used vulgarity on me. now I know it is really unkind to use vulgarity on others, especially my own wonderful husband. My husband is really wonderful. He married me despite my illness. he loves me so much I cant help but have a taste of heaven and Christ himself on earth. He is a jovial and optimistic guy, always cracking jokes and is an excellent son, brother and uncle. He is my best friend, counselor and lover. I have grown to appreciate him a great deal, for the illness has caused him quite a lot of problems and heartache. I am grateful he never gave up on me nor Christ. And Christ has been the one who is sustaining us till this day. My illness has brought about much pain to me and to my family. Only Christ can heal me, for it is incurable. I have appealed to Him to heal me all these 16 years, but it has yet happened. I have been taking pills to maintain peace of mind and thank God they help. but there are times, many times when they dont. people marvel at how I have stayed faithful to Him and never gave up sticking around Him. I think yes, I deserve some credit to that. but most part about my illness is that Jesus has been faithful to me. A few people who were filled with the Holy Spirit, saw me the first time and told me that Father God loves me very much. Sometimes it is a comfort. But when the illness strikes me, the pain just makes me forget I have a great God, the Creator of heaven and earth and under the earth. I have tried to focus on Him and distract myself, but the heart is willing and the flesh really weak. I told myself that never mind, when I am weak, then the Lord is strong. But this caused my will to be weak and me to self pity. Sometimes I think being a Christian is confusing. I am to boast about my weakness. Yet the bible tells me I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am told the Lord heals, but even great people like M. Scott Peck died with a double cancer. I have been a Christian for 19 years. yet I am baffled by the very basic principles of Christ. It is like my memory is weak and faint. I have lost knowledge and wisdom, much to my despair. I wonder sometimes when my nightmare would end. I doubt it will ever. It is just that while the nightmare is going on, there are sweet incidents in the same horror show. There was a season the pain was so bad I asked the Lord for cancer, death to end it all, for I have no guts to kill myself. thank God those days are over. (phew) People say when one problem ends, another comes. I think life brings about endless opportunities to learn from painful lessons and hence grow. People say that one learns best when there is pain, because it really sticks on you. well, for the past 22 years I have suffered failures of all sorts: relationships, accomplishments that amounted to nothing after the illness struck, etc. it was pain after pain, which brought bouts of anger, disappointments and bitterness. And I just surrendered the bitterness, disappointments and anger at the altar this morning in front of the whole church congregation. I feel free, free from having to achieve and at the same time, I dont see any need to run away from anyone nor anything anymore. For I know my Lord Jesus will be with me to take care of me and all that will come at me. amen. Just to quote my preacher for the day, unless Jesus is the Lord of all, he is not Lord at all. Be encouraged, my friend. Life is bitter and painful, but the Lord is indeed good to those who love him.