Puttin’ on the Ritz By Guy Shekhel

FADE IN INT.DON’S BEDROOM MARK and DON both 16 sit on ground the surrounded by heaps of ruffled clothing. They look distressed. Jesus every house thing MARK Christ,we’ve been through piece of clothing in this and we can’t find a single to fucking wear!

DON We could check my dad’s room,he might have something MARK We’re looking for clothes Don,not vintage porn and snakeskin condoms DON He has clothes MARK He has assless chaps and we’re just gonna have to wear something here. Mark begins ransacking through a pile of clothes. DON I really don’t see anything wrong with these clothes Mark,most of my clothes are pretty nice. MARK Most of them are coated in ball sweat and tears,we need to look fucking retarded if we’re gonna go to this party tonight DON What party is this again? MARK It’s my cousins graduation party and there’s probably gonna be a bunch of older chicks there

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DON Well maybe we shouldn’t go if it’s just going to be a bunch of materialistic older kids MARK These are the people we need to be associated with,these people are rich and they’re fucking hott,this night could break barriers for us. DON Well maybe,since we can’t find any clothes,we should call Ritz,he has lots of clothes and you know he’s really fashionable MARK Don,I’m trying to have sex with a woman tonight not get fingered by a 13 year old fashionista DON He could help us MARK Fine,call em I don’t care DON Okay A beat passes as they both sit awkwardly in silence. MARK Don! Fucking Call him! DON Do you have his number? MARK No I don’t have his fucking number DON It’s okay we can just walk over there,it’s right across the street MARK To Ritz’ house? Fuck that,his house is probably like a prison shower DON Come on,it’s right across the street and his parents are really nice

2.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

MARK No,I’m not fucking going into Ritz’ chamber of ass rape,I am not doing it CUT TO EXT.STREET - SUNDOWN Mark and Don are making their way across and down the street to Ritz’ house. MARK I can’t believe we’re doing this,I can not believe that we’re going to see 13 year old Nathan Lane to get some clothes DON Come on Mark,he’s not that bad and you’ve only met him a few times MARK Yes I’ve only met him a few times because he is in middle school and I’m in high school and in those few times I met him he tried to grab my nuts and he tried to make me snort angel dust off a swingset DON He’s fucking 13,none of that happened Mark and Don are now approaching the front door of Ritz’ home. MARK It might as well have,what if he’s not home DON he’s home and if he’s not then we’ll just go to the party dressed like we are MARK No,we’ll go to the party dressed like two homeless people because everyone else is gonna look like fucking Frank Sinatra and we’re gonna be wearing a fucking one (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MARK (cont’d) piece bathing suit we got off the clearnace rack at K-Mart. DON Then we wont go! Ritz’ mother SHERISE opens the door. DON Hi Sherise,is Ritz home? SHERISE Why yes he is Donald,why don’t you boys come on in,I’ll show you to his room INT. RITZ’ HOUSE

4.

Sherise leads them through the hallway,she has a fat ass pressed into tight jeans,it’s driving Mark nuts. Don slaps Mark out of his ass ensued daze. MARK So Sherise,where is your husband these days? DAISY,Sherise’ partner pops out of a room into the frame and puts her arm around Sherise. She,like Sherise, is also physically gifted. DAISY I take it you two are here to see Ritz? Mark’s countenance is that of a deer in the headlights. DON Yes mam we sure are DAISY Well don’t let me interrupt you,be on your way MARK NICE TO MEET YOU,I’M MARK DAISY (Cautious) Hello Mark,I’m Daisy nice to meet you (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

Mark nervously cranks out a huge smile. SHERISE Well Ritz’ room is right at the end of the hall on the right,I think you two can find your way DON Thankyou Sherise Sherise nods. Don and Mark walk off. DAISY What the fuck is that kid trippin? SHERISE Hard to say,probably some new thing,did you see how dialated his eyes were? RITZ’ DOOR Don knocks on the door. DON Ritz? RITZ (O.S.) What!?! DON It’s me Ritz RITZ Mom?!? DON (O.S.) I am not your mother,it’s me Don! RITZ No Shit?!? We hear some rustling and banging and Ritz throws open the door. RITZ Hey Guys! What are you doin here? Come on in!

6.

RITZ’ ROOM Ritz’ room is covered with clothing,there is a leopard print couch instead of a bed behind a glass table,there is a gold cheval mirror and the room is wallpapered with NSYNC and Gucci Mane posters. On the glass table lies a rather large bag of cocaine,some spills out on to the table. RITZ So you two queers here to buy some blow? MARK No,Jesus christ we just need some clothes Ritz falls back on to the couch as Mark and Don take a seat on bench arbitrarily placed in the bedroom. Ritz reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wrinkled cigarette butt and lights it. RITZ Clothes?.....What kind of clothes? MARK Nice ass clothes,we gotta be lookin swizzle for this party RITZ Well you’ve come to the right place,I’ve got all sorts of fashionable little get-ups for you two panhandlers,but what’s in it for me? DON What did you have in mind? RITZ I wanna go to this party of yours MARK No! Fuck no,you’re not coming,I don’t want your prepubescent coked up protoplasm at my cousin’s party RITZ Then I want $1000

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DON Out of the question RITZ Then you can go to this little soiree of yours dressed like Oliver Twist,run along then DON (To Mark) Maybe we should just let him come MARK Maybe I should just go alone DON Just because you go alone,won’t change the fact you will look like shit MARK You know what fine! Lets fuckin bring Pablo Escobar’s gay nephew with us to the party RITZ Yay!

7.

CUT TO RITZ’ ROOM - MOMENTS LATER RITZ Alright come on out! Mark and Don walk out from behind a changing wall and they look absolutely fabulous in the most terrible way. Mark wears tight white pants and a zebra striped blazer. Don wears tight black pants with a polka dotted cardigan. They both look extremely out of their element. RITZ You. Two. Look. Gorgeous. They check themselves out in the mirror. MARK Really,you don’t think it’s...overdone?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

RITZ Overdone? If anything you’re underdone,if it were me in your position I’d be glittered from head to toe and make up would be applied but I think you look just fine. Don is striking various poses in the mirror. DON I think we look awesome,like a couple of horny power rangers,we are soooo getting laid tonight MARK Okay lets go now,I wanna get their early. DON Okay but we’re gonna have to take my mom’s car MARK Fucking mini-van? DON Fucking mini-van MARK Why can’t we take your dad’s car? DON It’s broken,he crashed it into a pole while my mom was giving him road dome MARK Eew why the fuck do you know that? DON He told me RITZ I think that’s kinda hott MARK You would Macaulay Culkin MARK Well lets fucking go then CUT TO

9.

INT. DON’S MOTHER’S CAR - NIGHT Boyz-N-The-Hood by Eazy-E plays. Don drives,Mark rides shotgun,and Ritz sits in the back. Don is a cautious driver. They cruise guardedly down a city street. RITZ Can you stop at the gas station? DON For what? RITZ Beef jerky MARK I’ve got some beef jerky RITZ Oh you do? MARK In my pants A beat passes. DON Yeah,I’ll go to the gas station. RITZ Cool DON Where’s the gas station? RITZ It’s up here on the left DON Alrighty Don gets in the left turn lane and waits as car after car speed by and then gracefully turns into the parking lot of the gas station. DON Are you going in?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: RITZ Yepppp

10.

Ritz jumps out of the car and prances his way into the gas station. DON Where exactly are we going? MARK 1880 Park Way Apartment 69 DON Really apartment 69? MARK No it’s not an apartment complex. DON But it is on Park Way MARK Yeah it is DON Sounds good Ritz sprints out of the gas station with two arm fulls of boose,porno mags and beef jerky and various other items,he is chased after by a large African American store clerk. RITZ Open the door! Open the fucking door! MARK What the fuck! What the fuck is he doing? DON Open the door! Mark hurriedly opens the back door. Ritz vigorously jumps into the car and slams the door. RITZ FUCKING GO! GO Don throws it in reverse and backs right over the store clerk. Everyone’s faces drop.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11.

MARK Did we just kill that guy? Ritz hops out of the car to check out the damage. He jumps back in. RITZ Yes. Yes we did. FADE OUT

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