EMAIL LESSON 4: When Your Self Esteem Doesn't Go To Plan

Welcome to your fourth lesson: When Your Self Esteem Doesn't Go To Plan. In this lesson you will: • • • Learn a 4-step formula for continually guaranteeing success; Learn how to ask successfully for want you need and what you want; and Learn about affirmations to support your self esteem journey – and the rules for writing your own.

In this lesson, you will be referring to your Workbook, Section 4. Introducing WORKBOOK SECTION 4: When Your Self Esteem Doesn't Go To Plan Sometimes our plans just don't come together! Whew, what an understatement! Interestingly, we have found there is not much difference between how much failure 'winners' and 'losers' experience. It is how they respond to 'failure' that is the difference that makes the difference. Failure is normal. It is a natural part of learning and living. But 'FAILURE' has such terrible connotations attached to it. It is amazing to think that PEOPLE have been called 'failures'. How ridiculous! Let's redefine it this way: Failure (to achieve a certain outcome) = Feedback (things to learn from and change in order to progress towards your outcome)

To use a much cited example, when the first Apollo spacecraft was launched, what percentage of time do you think it was 'exactly on target' to reach the orbit of the moon? Only 3% of the time.

The other 97% of the time it was off-course – but 'Mission Control' were taking feedback from the telemetry and correcting the path. This is exactly what you can you do ... There is no such thing as failure, only feedback! So what can you do? Well in a moment, we'll look more specifically at the tools to do this. In a nutshell, if things are not working:

1. Change what you are doing to reach your outcome 2. Ask more powerfully 3. Intensify your faith
Let's start with the Success Spiral – learning how to change what you are doing. The Success Spiral - Or How To Get Anything You Ever Want In Your Life! (Workbook Page 38) Here is an awesome yet simple tool to help you focus on feedback, not failure. On page 38 of the workbook, you'll see you need to start with an 'outcome'. Something you desire to have, be or do. Some rules for outcomes:

1. Must be stated in the positive, (what you do want, not what you don't
want): "I want to be happier", not "I don't want to be so depressed".

2. Must not be

dependent on someone else changing their behaviour: "I want to be happier" not "I will be happier when Dan stops drinking so much".

3. They work far more powerfully when very specifically stated (but when you
complete Lesson 5 you'll see that this must be carefully balanced so as not to be uniquely specific). For example: "I want to be happier with Dan when we have leisure time together and feel myself smiling and laughing". Then your unconscious mind can more easily code the necessary pathways, knowing more about your desires. Then you'll need to take some action. No-one gets anywhere without this one! Even if you are not sure, doing nothing is sure to get you nowhere!

So do something – anything – just so you can get some feedback. Having then tried something, what feedback (note: not failure!) did you notice? Is more of this type of action going to work in your favour, or will it make things worse? Remember the classic definition of insanity: Insanity is repeating the same behaviour, over and over and expecting different results! So having noted the feedback, what can you now do differently? This is also building skill in using your 'flexibility muscles', a great by-product which will stand you in good stead for spiralling your success upwards. What next? Circle right back to the top with your new or redefined outcome! Keep doing this and you cannot help but be successful! It might take some effort, it may take some persistence ... and you are sure to learn a lot! The next two tools will help you along the way. How To Ask For What You Want – The Correct Way To Be Assertive (Workbook Page 41) It used to be all the rage for a while until it was wrongly misrepresented as disguised aggressiveness. In fact, high-quality assertiveness is one of the best skills you can practice for your ever-increasing self esteem. Unfortunately, in a world that ever-increasingly puts the 'blame' for events/circumstance firmly on 'someone else or some organisation or institution' ... and then tries to sue the offending perpetrator, assertiveness doesn't get much of a run. As an example: "You made me lose money by failing to teach me about wealth creation at school" is certainly not an assertive statement. It's an assignment of blame! For you perhaps, this is a good thing. For while the rest of the western world get embroiled in a war of 'who is responsible' and dig vast trenches of low self esteem for themselves (and build careers for lawyers) you and I can get on with our lives by taking responsibility for what we want and simply asking for it. For example:

"I would like you to help me learn about wealth creation to secure my future" is much more likely to get the outcome you want. Use the one letter word "I" liberally! Here are some typical examples and 'translations': You need to calm down I get very upset when you become angry and I would like to be able to express my point of view too I feel totally overloaded with work and would really appreciate it if you could lend me a hand more often I don't feel as if I am being understood and I am really looking for your understanding about my feelings of depression I am finding it increasingly difficult to relate to you when you drink and I would like to talk to you about our marriage I feel abandoned when you come home late and I would like you to make efforts to come home earlier I'd like to be listened to I would like this fixed right away please

You're not helping me with the workload Why can't you understand I am depressed?

Your drinking is ending our marriage

You need to stop coming home so late You never listen to me You need to fix this

Now get to work on page 42 of your workbook creating some of your own assertive translations ... Tap Into The Incredible Strength Of Your Unconscious Mind By Using Affirmations (Workbook Page 44) Now that you have learned how to change what you are doing to reach your outcomes, and have learned how to ask more effectively using assertive "I" statements, it's time to add some fuel. Affirmations can serve two great purposes for you! Purpose No.1 We can all have days where our levels of resilience hit a low point and it is precisely then when self esteem affirmations can help you rise above yourself and

persist when others give up. An affirmation is simply a statement of faith or belief. Something that you can identify with. You may not feel that you have 'it' at the moment, or 'it' may feel difficult to believe in or even identify with. But let's face it, if it was already a totally internalised belief of yours, you wouldn't need an affirmation to keep you going! You'd be there already! OK, so they are meant to be somewhat motivating, but there is a second, and probably more important purpose: Purpose No.2 Your unconscious mind hates 'incomplete things'. So by making a strong statement of affirmation, your unconscious mind will do whatever it can to ensure that the statement matches up with your reality! Neat huh! And in doing so, a device in your brain called the 'Reticular Activating System' will immediately start filtering in all the useful things you pick up around you and, very importantly, filter out all those things that will get in the way or send you backwards. So an affirmation is both motivational and acts as a brake, stopping any feelings of 'going backwards' and sets up your mind to work more effectively for your outcomes. Use them knowingly (not just 'reciting them') and affirmations can be very powerful. I've given you a list of 7 key affirmations to start with. Then on Page 45 you can construct some of your own. Tip: Once you start making up your own statements of personal power, you won't stop because it is such great fun. And they are all the more effective for it! Should you write them down? Honestly it may help, but don't get hung up on writing them down 20 times a day. Just knowing them, perhaps reciting them to yourself occasionally, or printing them out and putting them somewhere private. Or even recording some to a personal MP3 player ... All of the above have worked not only for me, but for many others, so try several ways before you find the way you like the most.

Then when you become quite practiced at it, try to 'step into' being the kind of person who internalises this affirmation as their normal way of life. The more strongly you can resonate with this, the more powerful they become.

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