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SPROCKETS by Mike Myers Jack Handy Michael McCullers

FIRST DRAFT February 26, 1999

OPEN ON:

SILVER CLOUDS

An angel's POV shot in beautiful BLACK-AND-WHITE. We descend through the clouds and get a peek of the city below. DIETER (V.O.) Berlin is a city of dreams. OVERHEAD SHOT - BERLIN - DAY Modern day Berlin passes a thousand feet below us. DIETER (V.O.) Sometimes I dream I am flying. EXT. SKY OVER BERLIN - DAY

DIETER is flying, arms by his side. DIETER (V.O.) Sometimes I dream I am naked. EXT. COURTYARD - BERLIN - DAY

A massive courtyard dominated by a fountain. Dieter walks through naked. The other people are frozen in place. DIETER (V.O.) And sometimes I dream I am flying naked. EXT. SKY OVER BERLIN - DAY

Dieter is now FLYING NAKED over the city. DIETER (to camera) My name is Dieter. story. CLOSE-UP - A ROOSTER Cocoricooo! ROOSTER Cocoricooo!

This is my

EXTREME CLOSE-UP - AN EYE

It opens. INT.

So close-up it looks like a planet.

PULL BACK --

DIETER'S MANSION - BEDROOM - DAY

Dieter wakes up. His bedroom is stark white, unadorned except for a giant wall of VIDEO MONITORS. Right now the monitors are displaying the giant eye, then the rooster, then a series of weird images: car wrecks, dancing bears, etc. MORNING MONTAGE: A) B) C) D) E) F) Dieter takes a shower. Pan across one handle which says "HOT" to the other handle which says "SCALDING". Dieter shaves between his eyebrows. Dieter slaps himself and pinches his cheeks. He opens the medicine cabinet and dozens of bottles marked "LOTION" spill out. Dieter relentlessly combs down a small cowlick until his hair is perfectly gelled. Dieter gets dressed, every item black. DIETER'S BEDROOM - MONTAGE ENDS

INT.

Dieter, washed and dressed, faces the world. The sun streams through the windows and the birds chirp. Dieter takes in the morning, and immediately CLOSES HIS BLACK CURTAINS. INT. MANSION - KITCHEN - DAY

An all-black kitchen. Dieter pours himself a cup of the thickest coffee you can imagine, like motor oil. He takes a bowl from the cabinet and grabs a carton of what we think is cereal. He dumps it into his bowl and CIGARETTES come out. Dieter lights one and turns on the TV. ON THE TELEVISION A German morning news show. The GERMAN WEATHERMAN stands in front of a weathermap giving the forecast. GERMAN WEATHERMAN Today's forecast is bleak. Tomorrow there will be a general malaise, with scattered ennui moving in from the north and a 30% chance of suicide.

GERMAN ANCHORMAN Thank you, Lars. In more bad news, the time is now 8 o'clock. Dieter hits a remote control. The image on the TV changes to a surveillance-type camera of a bedroom. DIETER Klaus, we have to be at work in one hour. INT. MANSION - VARIOUS ROOMS

Dieter's VOICE ECHOES on the intercom. DIETER (on intercom) Klaus, wake up. You are as lazy as a parsnip. Klaus? INT. MANSION - HALLWAY

An extremely long hallway, devoid of any decoration. Dieter enters at one end riding a "Little Rascal" motorizes scooter. DIETER (to camera) I'm a little rascal on my Little Rascal. INT. MANSION - OUTSIDE KLAUS'S ROOM

Dieter comes to a stop in front of a door with the name "Klaus" written on it. He starts to open it... DIETER (V.O.) I have always wanted a monkey, ever since I was a child. EXT. BERLIN STREET CORNER (FLASHBACK)

Two CHUBBY GERMAN KIDS run down the street. They stop when they reach YOUNG DIETER, already dressed in his signature black uniform. He is standing at a PET SHOP WINDOW looking at a MONKEY and eating a bar that says "MARZIPAN". GERMAN CHILD 1 Come! We'll shit in a pot and make a weak child drink it! The kids run off happily. the monkey. Young Dieter looks longingly at

DIETER (V.O.) At school the children called me "Monkey Boy" because of my simian fixation. EXT. PLAYGROUND (FLASHBACK)

Pan across kids playing HOPSCOTCH, JUMPING ROPE, etc. DIETER (V.O.) They also called me "Dieter-DieterPoo-Poo-Eater," mostly because it rhymed. We reach young Dieter, reading NIETZSCHE. tackled by some OLDER BOYS. Suddenly, he is

DIETER (V.O.) Sometimes the older boys would push me over and urinate on me, chanting "house on fire, put it out, put it out". EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE PLAYGROUND (FLASHBACK)

We see a group of BOYS from behind pissing on Dieter. DIETER (V.O.) Despite this tempting distraction, I excelled in school. INT. GERMAN CLASSROOM (FLASHBACK)

A nervous greasy-haired TEACHER stands in front of the KIDS. Young Dieter sits in the front. TEACHER (reluctant) Yes, Dieter? YOUNG DIETER When Marx posited the notion of a technological theocracy did he not presuppose the existence of a human soul, and in so doing slip into the solipsistic ontology that Nietzsche so despised? The TEACHER pulls a gun from the desk and puts it to his head. We cut away as we hear a LOUD CRACK.

EXT.

BAVARIAN HOUSE - NIGHT

It is storming, with lightning. DIETER (V.O.) For many years I lived with a married couple. As it turns out, they were my parents. INT. DIETER'S CHILDHOOD HOME (FLASHBACK)

The house is stark and ALL WHITE -- furniture, walls, rugs. Young Dieter, his MOTHER, and his FATHER are in ALL BLACK. ADULT DIETER walks through the wall and observes the scene (a la Woody Allen in Annie Hall). The family cannot see him. YOUNG DIETER Mother, may I please have a monkey? I would take care of him and love him. DIETER'S MOTHER Love is dead, Dieter, art is all! Young Dieter slumps back, disappointed. DIETER (V.O.) My mother was a whore. We see Dieter's mother as a WHORE. DIETER (V.O.) My mother was a saint. We see Dieter's mother as a SAINT. DIETER (V.O.) Whore! We see Dieter's mother as a WHORE. DIETER (V.O.) Saint! We see Dieter's mother as a SAINT. DIETER (V.O.) My father was a musician. weak. He was

Pull back to reveal that Dieter's father is crouching over a

set of BONGOS. DIETER (V.O.) He played the bongos on the Mission Impossible theme, but, like many geniuses, he drove himself mad. Dieter's father turns back to his bongos, and plays a tentative THUMP-A-THUMP. DIETER'S FATHER (in agony) I can't do it again! I've lost it! YOUNG DIETER But, poppa, what of my monkey? DIETER'S FATHER Nein! Leave me alone, Dieter, I will get you a monkey next year. Young Dieter runs out of the room, crushed. steps into the conversation. Lies! DIETER Lies! Adult Dieter

DIETER'S FATHER But Dieter, just because I didn't buy you a monkey doesn't mean I didn't love you. DIETER Liar, liar, your trousers are aflame! INT. TENEMENT APARTMENT - BERLIN (FLASHBACK)

Young Dieter and his mother eat in a bare, dimly-lit flat. DIETER (V.O.) After my father died, my mother and I moved to a one-room apartment. Pull back to reveal that Young Dieter and his mother are eating their dinner on a GIANT BLACK COFFIN. DIETER (V.O.) We could not afford to bury Father so we used his coffin as a table. Mother was always very clever around the house.

ADULT DIETER materializes through a wall and watches quietly. DIETER'S MOTHER Dieter, since your father is dead, I have decided to give you a present. Dieter's mother motions to a box wrapped in black paper. YOUNG DIETER Oh ma-ma, is it a monkey? Is it?

Young Dieter rips open the package and reveals an -- ANVIL. DIETER (V.O.) It was an anvil. INT. TENEMENT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Young Dieter sits in the darkness by the anvil, pretending to feed it a BANANA. ADULT DIETER stands over him. He looks at the camera and a TEAR rolls down his cheek. DIETER (V.O.) Below us on Viennastrausse was a one-legged pornographer. EXT. PORNO THEATER - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Below the apartment is an old porno theater. The marquee reads "401 BLOWS". Young Dieter enters the frame pulling a wagon, on which sits the anvil. The ONE-LEGGED PORNOGRAPHER exits the theater, carrying a MONKEY. The pornographer eyes the anvil lasciviously. DIETER (V.O.) He was smitten with my anvil and suggested a trade. I hate to imagine what nefarious deeds the smut-monger had planned for that anvil. EXT. THEATER WALL - PORNO POSTERS (FLASHBACK)

Pan across a series of porno posters with dirty pictures: "BERLIN'S HOTTEST PEEP SHOW," "LIVE NUDES," and -- "PRIVATE ANVIL BOOTH: 25 PFENNIGS, JUST YOU AND AN ANVIL". DIETER (V.O.) Klaus's years in the Tenderloin district had left him scarred, but he was mine and I loved him. When I

left home a few years later, Klaus was the only thing I took with me. INT. TENEMENT (FLASHBACK) His

Dieter, with Klaus on his shoulder, is about to leave. mother ignores him. DIETER I never told my mother I loved her. (beat) And with luck I never will. INT. KLAUS'S BEDROOM (PRESENT DAY)

Dieter approaches Klaus's race car bed. with liquor bottles and pornography.

The room is strewn

DIETER (V.O.) They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... But they have never lost a monkey. Dieter pulls back the covers. Klaus is asleep, very cute. Klaus has his own little monkey doll. EXT. DIETER'S MANSION - DAY

Dieter pulls out of the driveway in a tiny MESSERSCHMITT three-wheel car. Klaus is beside him. DIETER (V.O.) How could I have known that this would be the worst day of my life? Dieter's tiny car is almost hit by a giant truck that says "MARZIPAN DELIVERY". EXT. AUTOBAHN - DAY Dieter's car races down

MUSIC: "Autobahn" by KRAFTWERKS. the German highway.

DIETER (V.O.) I should have recognized the omens: cars without drivers... From DIETER'S POV we see that all the cars around him are going down the highway with NO DRIVERS. DIETER (V.O.)

And drivers without cars... Now all the DRIVERS around Dieter are going down the highway with NO CARS. They pass a giant TOYS-R-US type German store called "U VILL BUY TOYS NOW!" DIETER (V.O.) As usual Klaus begged me to stop at the toy store. As usual I refused. INT. DIETER'S CAR

Klaus starts jumping up and down and SCREECHING. DIETER Klaus, you are driving me crazy! (beat) There, now I am crazy. DIETER (V.O.) Perhaps I should have indulged Klaus, but I was lost in my own thoughts. INT./ EXT. DIETER'S CAR - STREETS OF BERLIN

Dieter looks around him at the different DRIVERS. As he looks at them, we HEAR THEIR THOUGHTS and see them SUBTITLED (as in Wings of Desire): TWO YOUNG MEN AND WOMAN IN A HATCHBACK YOUNG MAN (V.O.) I missed my turn. I'm so distracted. I love her, but she is my brother's wife. YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.) He missed his turn. He's so distracted. He loves me, but I am his brother's wife. SECOND YOUNG MAN (V.O.) I am his brother. ARAB FAMILY IN AN OLDER MERCEDES Loud traditional Middle-Eastern music BLARES. ARAB FATHER (V.O.)

Damn this music. I'm from the Middle East and even I can't stand it. A PRIEST IN A TINY CAR PRIEST (V.O.) I'm not wearing any pants. CABDRIVER IN BEAT-UP CAB CABDRIVER (V.O.) I wonder if I'm getting paid for a speaking part. This should definitely count as a speaking part. I'm going to call my agent. RICH LADY IN A BMW Older woman in Chanel clothes, pillbox hat, etc. RICH LADY (V.O.) I wonder if Gregor hates me because I'm so rich? Pan over to her CHAUFFEUR. suffering. He looks at the camera, long-

CHAUFFEUR (V.O.) I hate her because she is so ugly. EXT. OSTE DEUTSCHE RUNDFUNK ZWOLF - DAY

A German television station: a grey Bauhaus bunker with antennae and dishes sticking out. DIETER (V.O.) This is Oste Deutsche Rundfunk Zwolf, the television station where I tape Sprockets thrice-monthly. Actually we tape it every week, but I have always wanted to say 'thricemonthly.' Dieter's car pulls up and stops. INT. OSTE DEUTSCHE RUNDFUNK ZWOLF

A bustling TV station with CAMERAMEN, TECHNICIANS, PRODUCERS, etc. The Sprockets set is visible along with a control booth, dressing rooms, craft service, etc.

DIETER (V.O.) Over the years, the people who work on Sprockets had become like family to me -- in other words I loathed them. Keeping DIETER'S POV, the camera pushes through the room in one long tracking shot, pausing on people and things as Dieter describes them. DIETER (V.O.) There was Karlheinz Runineigge, the station manager. I whored for the bitch. KARLHEINZ RUMINEIGGE approaches Dieter. faced man with a comb-over. He is a stout, red-

KARLHEINZ (to camera) Dieter, how are you? You bring the monkey? Ha-ha-ha! We have a production meeting in five minutes. Five minutes, Okay? DIETER (V.O.) Marta, my trophy girlfriend... Karlheinz brushes past the camera pushes deeper into the studio, settling on a Marlena Dietrich-esque blonde (MARTA). MARTA Don't forget about the party after the show, Dieter. It is an excellent chance for us to be seen together. DIETER (V.O.) My assistant and spiritual advisor, Weird Nun... The camera pushes deeper. breasts. We see a NUN with pointy strap-on

WEIRD NUN Dieter, your lunch tomorrow has been canceled and -(crazy voice and red eyes) YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR PLEASURING YOURSELF! INT. BACKSTAGE

Dieter, still in the long tracking shot, is now in a 'backstage' area, with the technical people. DIETER (V.O.) Behind the scenes, there was Senor Squeazetoy... The camera pushes on and we see a CAMERAMAN wearing a sombrero and holding a squeazetoy. Say cheese! SENOR SQUEAZETOY Say cheese!

DIETER (V.O.) Kristof the Albino... An ALBINO holding cue cards. DIETER (V.O.) And a caribou. Two stage hands lead a CARIBOU through the studio. DIETER (extreme close-up) CARIBOU?! INT. KARLHEINZ'S OFFICE

Dieter enters. Karlheinz sits down in front of a giant pile of mail and packages. He tosses envelopes into boxes marked "POSITIVE" and "NEGATIVE". The positive box is empty. The negative box is overflowing. KARLHEINZ I was just sorting your fan mail, Dieter. DIETER How is it? KARLHEINZ Oh, the usual. Karlheinz tosses one package into a huge METAL CAN. He and Dieter both crouch with their hands between their knees. There is a huge MUFFLED EXPLOSION in the can. KARLHEINZ (sorting) Let's see... negative, negative,

threatening, negative... DIETER Let me read that one. Dieter takes the letter and reads it aloud as Karlheinz continues to sort. DIETER (reading) 'Dear Dieter, by the time you read this I will be dead and it is you who drove me to suicide, signed, Otto P.' (pause) See, they're not all bad. Dieter tosses the letter into the positive box. KARLHEINZ Fire in the hole! He tosses another package into the can. down and it EXPLODES. They put their heads

KARLHEINZ I love this job. (sorting) Oh look, here's a postcard from your cousins in America. ANGLE ON the postcard. It's one of those where you put your family's picture on the front. The family is cheerfully American and normal. Dieter snatches it away, embarrassed. KARLHEINZ Don't worry, Dieter, everyone has weird relatives somewhere. Karlheinz tosses ten letters onto a HUGE PILE of mail marked for Klaus. DIETER Don't you have to sort Klaus's mail? KARLHEINZ Oh no, it's all positive. people, they love Klaus! The

DIETER Where did the silly bitch go, by the way?

KARLHEINZ Dieter, Klaus has decided that he no longer wishes to see you before the show. He feels it ruins the "energy," you know, throws off his "timing". DIETER He is a monkey. What kind of timing do you need to fling your feces? KARLHEINZ Dieter, let me show you something. Karlheinz goes over to a chart showing the ratings for Sprockets and other shows. KARLHEINZ We are now the number one rated show in Germany -- even ahead of Baywatch. And nobody beats Hasselhoff. Ha-ha-ha! DIETER (extreme close-up) HASSELHOFF?! KARLHEINZ Our research has shown that every time you give Klaus more airtime, the ratings go up. The people, they love Klaus! STAGE MANAGER - ON THE MOVE Through the studio, talking into a headset. STAGE MANAGER Cast for Sprockets to the floor, please. Two minute warning. INT. SPROCKETS SET

The stage manager walks past the set, where a FAT GERMAN STAND-UP COMIC in lederhosen is warming up the audience. GERMAN STAND UP And so I say my girlfriend, 'you have been sleeping in my stink!' The AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

GERMAN STAND UP You laugh 'cause it's true. It is! Listen, you're in for a great show tonight. By the way, I'm appearing at 'Just for Laughs' this Thursday. He exits as the AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. STAGE MANAGER We are rolling in... five, four, three, two, one! ANGLE ON STUDIO MONITORS: A picture of a GIANT LIMA BEAN against a blue background. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Sprockets is brought to you by One Big Bean. Why eat a bunch of little beans when you can eat One Big Bean? A picture of a really cute PUPPY with a factory in the background and the word "APEX". ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And by the Apex Puppy Grinding Company -- maybe it's evil, but think of the jobs. The Sprockets opening montage rolls. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) SPROCKETS! SPROCKETS! German Television presents Sprockets, mit your host, Dieter. Signs light up that say "CLAP NOW!". DIETER ENTERS and takes his place on the set, Klaus on his stand behind him. DIETER Welcome to Sprockets. host, Dieter. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. DIETER Thank you. I like a warm hand on my opening. As always, I'm joined by me sidekick, Klaus. The AUDIENCE ROARS, twice as much as for Dieter. I am your

DIETER It is springtime and I am as happy as a little girl. My guest this week is one of the greatest directors of the German Cinema. You may know him from such brilliant films as "Wings of Desire", "Paris, Texas", and "Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo". Please welcome, Wim Wenders. Noted director WIN WENDERS, playing himself, enters. DIETER Welcome to Sprockets, Mr. Wenders. WIM WENDERS Thank you Dieter. Please call me Wim. DIETER Vim? WIM WENDERS Wim. DIETER Vim? WIM WENDERS Wim. DIETER You pull down my pants and taunt me but not in a mean spirited way. Now, your latest work is a comedy called "My Dreaded Pregnancy". It is a 79-hour-long film in which we see a man be born, live, and then die. The last 12 hours alone are dedicated to his decomposition, which was the only part I liked. Thank you. this film. cameo. WIN WENDERS We had a lot of fun on You know, Bono does a

DIETER Your film lies at 24 frames per second. It is as insidious as an

international hash ring. I look at this movie and see only the deformed footprint of a cripple. (to audience) Now, please welcome my second guest... A MAN ON FIRE! A MAN ON FIRE enters and runs across the stage. MAN ON FIRE Aiiihhhhhhhh! As the man on fire runs across stage an ADVERTISING BANNER appears on screen, framing the image, like when you watch soccer on TV. GRAPHIC: "Man on Fire Brought To You By Heineken!" DIETER Wim Wenders, would you like to touch my monkey? Touch him. Love him. Liebe meine abschminke. Wim touches Klaus as the crowd APPLAUDS wildly. DIETER Now is the time for the commercials. Be back in two and two. Dieter makes Chuck Woolery's famous hand signal as Klaus cavorts around stage. MONTAGE - TIME PASSAGE We see the rest of the show, and especially, the audience -DIFFERENT PEOPLE (children, old people, housewives, businessmen) all LAUGHING and pointing at Klaus. Dieter is almost excluded. DIETER (V.O.) That night I realized Klaus brought joy into people's lives the way I could not. I appealed to their intellects, but Klaus made them smile. And I admit, I was jealous. MONTAGE ENDS. SHOW. Time has passed and we are at the END OF THE

DIETER Now's the time on Sprockets when we dance!

Dieter starts to dance and is joined by his MALE DANCERS. DIETER (V.O.) After the show, we were cold. We were distant. For a moment, it was just like old times. INT. BACKSTAGE

Dieter and Klaus approach their dressing rooms from either end of the hall. There is a chill between them. DIETER (cold) Good show. KLAUS (cold) Eee-eee-eee. They both turn, walk into their dressing rooms, and shut the door. SLAM! SLAM! DIETER (V.O.) If only I had known that was the last time I would see Klaus. INT. KLAUS' DRESSING ROOM

It is an absurdly lavish dressing room for a monkey. Klaus spots something he likes. It is a congratulatory gift basket filled with BANANAS and PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES. KLAUS (excited) Cheee-cheee-eeee-oooh! Klaus runs over to the basket and starts checking it out. MUSIC: Ominous

Behind Klaus, a FIGURE emerges from the shadows. We do not see his face, but he holds a folded HANDKERCHIEF and a BOTTLE marked "MONKEY CHLOROFORM (*ALSO WORKS ON SMALL CHILDREN)". Klaus looks up as the figure reaches for him... EXT. KUNST HAUS OF BERLIN - LATER THAT NIGHT

A sleek modern art gallery, tonight hosting a wrap party for "Sprockets". Velvet rope, limos, etc. Dieter gets out of the limo with his entourage and is mobbed by a group of

REPORTERS. DIETER Now is the time when I answer questions. REPORTER 1 Dieter, Sprockets is the anchor of German Television's "Watch Or Be Punished Thursday". Will you be returning for another season of Sprockets? DIETER Happiness is only a facade, hiding a face of Hell. Freedom loves a cage. REPORTER 2 Dieter, is it true that you and Dick Van Patten, the father from "Eight is Enough", were once lovers? DIETER His lover and my lover were once lovers. I have a love/hate relationship with lovers. I have a friend who is a love-hater. His lover only loves love-haters. REPORTER 3 Dieter, what about the rumors that you and Klaus are fighting? DIETER I love my monkey. You are a liar! I whored for the bastard. Of course, I am a silly bitch. REPORTER 1 Dieter! DIETER Your questions have become tiresome. INT. KUNST HAUS OF BERLIN - NIGHT PHOTOGRAPHERS

Dieter enters with Marta, Weird Nun, etc. surround them. PHOTOGRAPHERS Dieter, can I get a photo?

DIETER Marta! Marta quickly applies some lipstick and strikes an erotic pose next to Dieter. They walk on. The MAN ON FIRE (still on fire) walks by holding a drink. MAN ON FIRE Great show, Dieter. DIETER Thank you, man on fire. Dieter and Marta walk over in front of an art installation. The ARTIST holds a blank canvas in front of him. MARTA (to Dieter) What is that? DIETER It is vomit art. He paints with his vomit. He is the Jackson Pollack of gastrointestinal distress. The artist places the canvas on the floor then dramatically sticks a feather down his throat. He VOMITS all over the canvas. The CROWD applauds wildly, approaches and admires. Ohhh! CROWD Bravo!

One MAN in the crowd looks very queasy. He looks at the canvas and then HE VOMITS on it accidentally. The crowd turns against him. Boo! CROWD Fraud!

The man is beaten and dragged out by security. INT. KUNST HAUS OF BERLIN - BACK AREA

Dieter and his entourage have their own table. Everyone is drinking champagne and there are gifts on the table. KARLHEINZ To a successful season of Sprockets. Everyone toasts. Weird Nun stands up. WEIRD NUN

I would like to propose a toast. To the best boss in the world. (weird eyes, red lighting) WHICH IS WHAT THE DEMONS WILL SCREAM WHEN THEY ARE WHIPPING YOU IN HELL! After a beat, there is polite APPLAUSE for Weird Nun. MARTA Thank you, Weird Nun. Dieter, we have a present for you. DIETER It's not another Dilbert mug is it? MARTA No, even better. We found the body of a homeless man and dressed him as a clown for you. Weird Nun hoists a dead CLOWN BODY up on the table where it lands with a THUMP. DIETER (touched) You guys are the best. Pan across the table, everyone laughing and having fun, until we get to an EMPTY PLACE SETTING, monkey size. INT. DIETER'S MANSION - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Dieter and Marta lie in Dieter's bed. MARTA Dieter, aren't you worried about Klaus? DIETER He's probably on an all-night bender. He'll be back by morning. Dieter handcuffs Marta to the bed, CLICK-CLICK. DIETER Marta, do you love me? MARTA No. DIETER You always say the right thing.

(beat) Now make a face like a whore! Marta makes a horrific face. INT. Dieter is pleased.

OSTE DEUTSCHE RUNDFUNK ZWOLF - BACKSTAGE - DAY

It is moments before the show. The warm-up guy is almost done, Dieter waits to go on stage. Karlheinz approaches. KARLHEINZ Dieter, have you seen Klaus? DIETER He did not come home last night. assumed he was here. I

KARLHEINZ Well, when you assume, you make an ass of you and me. Ha-ha-ha! DIETER Why do you hate me? KARLHEINZ Dieter, what are we going to do? can't do the show without Klaus! INT. SPROCKETS SET - MOMENTS LATER ANNOUNCER (V.O.) SPROCKETS! SPROCKETS! German Television presents Sprockets, mit your host, Dieter. DIETER ENTERS and takes his place on the set. DIETER Welcome to Sprockets. I am Dieter. Sitting in for my sidekick Klaus, please welcome... Matthias, The Insane Armadillo! Reveal that in Klaus's usual spot, there is now an ARMADILLO, poking around aimlessly. The crowd BOOS. TIME DISSOLVE TO: DIETER ... An animatronic Martin Van Buren on loan from Eurodisney! We

Reveal a robot dummy of Martin Van Buren moving stiffly. sparks and falls over. The crowd BOOS. TIME DISSOLVE TO: DIETER ... Klinger from MASH! Reveal JAMIE FARR. The audience is only half full. and hold signs "WE WANT KLAUS!" DIETER (V.O.) It was obvious that no one could replace Klaus, though I did think Jamie Farr showed potential. EXT. KUKENMEISTER'S BAR - BERLIN - NIGHT

It

They BOO

A seedy-looking bar in a bad part of town. DIETER (V.O.) I searched desperately for Klaus in all his usual haunts, but I had no luck. INT. BAR - DIETER'S POV BARTENDER (to camera) No, he's not here! And he better not come back. He's a mean drunk. Look what he did to Gunther. We see GUNTHER -- a big burly man badly bruised and bandaged. GUNTHER (whimpering) He made me eat a bug. INT. WHOREHOUSE - DIETER'S POV

Several PROSTITUTES lounge around on sofas, smoking. PROSTITUTE (to camera) When you see him, tell him he owes me fifty marks. The little bastard gave me fleas. She scratches. INT. ANIMAL SHELTER - DIETER'S POV

A CLERK stands in front of a wall of animal cages. says "BERLIN ANIMAL SHELTER". CLERK (to camera) Sorry, no monkeys here. A human face appears in one of the cages. GUY IN CAGE Help me... help me... CLERK Quiet! EXT. EMPTY STREET - NIGHT

A sign

Dieter walks alone, dejected. Up ahead he sees a man walking hand-in-hand with what appears to be a monkey. Dieter's eyes light up. Is it Klaus? He rushes ahead and turns the small figure around. It is a hairy, hideous dwarf, who scowls. DWARF Hey, what's the big idea? INT. KARLHEINZ'S OFFICE They stand in

Karlheinz has called Dieter into his office. front of the ratings board. KARLHEINZ Not only is Baywatch 5 points ahead of us, but we've also fallen behind Germany's Most Disturbing Home Videos, Don't Put That Sausage In Your Mouth Mrs. Nederlander, The Careless Butcher, and Das Ist Jeopardy. The network has ordered us to show re-runs of Simon and Simon. DIETER Your explanation was so tedious I almost murdered you. KARLHEINZ I'm sorry Dieter, until Klaus comes back, Sprockets is off the air. INT. OSTE DEUTSCHE RUNDFUNK ZWOLF - LATER

Dieter walks through the main area of the station holding his belongings in a cardboard box. Everyone is sad. Dieter walks by Karlheinz, Senor Squeazetoy, and Weird Nun, who are crying. He walks by Kristof the Albino, who for some reason is jumping up and down, laughing, and SHOOTING HIM THE BIRD. EXT. BRIDGE - DAY

A giant bridge with carts and vendors on the side. Dieter and Marta walk up to a food vendor. Marta is distant. DIETER (to vender) I'll have persimmons in a sling. The vendor puts two persimmons in a blanket of dough, folds it over, and twists it. It looks like testicles. He dips it in hot grease. VENDOR You want curlies with that? DIETER Of course. The vendor sprinkles pubic hair-like chocolate curls on the persimmons and hands it to Dieter, who takes a bite. Delicious. DIETER Marta, are you hungry?

Marta ignores him and walks away. Dieter catches up to her and joins her looking down into the water. A HORSE'S HEAD floats by. DIETER Did you make a wish? MARTA Dieter, as you know, I am your trophy girlfriend. I must leave you and begin having sex with someone more powerful. DIETER But we exchanged rings. Dieter lifts up his shirt to show his NIPPLE RING. DIETER Don't my breasts sit high on my rib cage? They're as perky as a little

girl's. MARTA That is one thing I won't miss. Marta walks away, leaving Dieter alone. EXT. BERLIN - NIGHT Dieter walks alone, soaking wet.

It is raining.

DIETER (V.O.) I walked in the rain. I stopped eating. I even tried to kill myself. Dieter throws himself in front of a car and THUMP he goes flying. DIETER (V.O.) But none of my hobbies were as much fun without Klaus. EXT. DIETER'S MANSION - NIGHT

It is storming, with lightning. DIETER (V.O.) Finally, I went insane, and not the good kind of insane either. INT. DIETER'S MANSION - VARIOUS ROOMS

Dieter rushes around madly, tearing the house apart, looking for Klaus. We see him mouthing the words "KLAUS!" MUSIC: INT. Disturbing Expressionistic Piano Stings

KLAUS'S BEDROOM

Dieter sits in Klaus's little race car bed. He is upset. Suddenly, we hear a phone RINGING. It is a really, really long RING. Dieter looks up, his eyes aflame. INT. DIETER'S MANSION - HALLWAY

Dieter's POV as he makes his way down the long, long hall. The phone is still RINGING. Dieter reaches the end of the hall and enters the -LIVING ROOM

This is an enormous room, devoid of any furniture except the PHONE, which looks tiny all the way across the room. The phone RINGS again. DIETER (answering phone) This is Dieter. An electronically SCRAMBLED VOICE replies. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) WE HAVE YOUR MONKEY. DIETER (coy) Is that you, mother? SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) WE'LL KILL THE MONKEY IF YOU DON'T PAY FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. DIETER Where are you calling from? SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) NEVER MIND. In the background we can clearly hear a BASEBALL GAME. BASEBALL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) It's the bottom of the fifth, the Los Angeles Dodgers at home against the Marlins -SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) (shouting, aside) HEY, TURN THE DODGER GAME OFF! (to Dieter) WHAT WAS I SAYING? OH YEAH, NEVER MIND WHERE I'M CALLING FROM. YOU'LL RECEIVE INSTRUCTIONS SOON. DIETER How do I know you really have Klaus? SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) CHECK YOUR E-MAIL. The scrambled voice hangs up -- DIAL TONE. Dieter goes over to a GIANT FLAT SCREEN MONITOR on the wall and presses a button. He receives an e-mail. It is very scary.

ANGLE ON THE MONITOR It is a grainy MPEG image of KLAUS. His mouth is taped and he has one hand chained to a bed. The room around him is totally barren, except a window behind him, through which the HOLLYWOOD SIGN is clearly visible. DIETER That could be any monkey in the world. Klaus makes a horrible face and slings shit at the camera. DIETER Klaus! The screen goes BLACK. Hello? INT. Dieter picks up the phone and dials.

DIETER Police?

POLICE STATION (INTERCUT)

A German POLICE OPERATOR answers the phone. POLICE OPERATOR Yes, where did you see the suspicious foreigner? DIETER No, it's not that. I need you to trace a call for me. POLICE OPERATOR Hold on. (punches some buttons) Okay, we are getting something... hold on. Oh my God! Get out! The call is coming from inside your house! It's inside your house! DIETER (calm) Yes, I know this call is coming from inside the house. I called you. I meant the call before. POLICE OPERATOR Hold on. (punches some buttons) That call came from Los Angeles. Oh.

EXT.

AIRPLANE - IN FLIGHT The black and

An American Airlines 747 crosses the ocean. white image becomes COLOR. DIETER (V.O.) I caught the first flight to America. MUSIC:

"We're Coming to America" by NEIL DIAMOND CUT TO:

MONTAGE OF CLICHE AMERICAN IMAGES (IN COLOR) Wheat fields, baseball games, fireworks, American flags, freckle-faced children, etc. DIETER (V.O.) Of course, I had a layover in New York. MUSIC: "New York, New York" by FRANK SINATRA

MONTAGE OF CLICHE IMAGES OF NEW YORK Statue of Liberty, Times Square, Broadway lights, cabs, Rockefeller Center, etc. DIETER (V.O.) Unfortunately, the plane had mechanical trouble and we had to make an emergency landing in Dallas. MUSIC: Theme from 'Dallas'

OPENING CREDIT MONTAGE OF THE SHOT DALLAS DIETER (V.O.) But finally we landed in Los Angeles. MUSIC: "I Love LA" by RANDY NEWMAN

MONTAGE OF CLICHE LOS ANGELES IMAGES Girls on the beach, Hollywood sign, Mann's Chinese, BMWs, lowriders, fake boobs. EXT. LAX - DAY The BLACK AND WHITE OF Germany has given

The plane lands.

way to the COLOR of America. INT. LAX - IMMIGRATION AREA

Dieter waits in line with FOREIGN VISITORS. He steps up to a tough-looking CUSTOMS GUY in mirrored sunglasses. CUSTOMS GUY Passport, please. Dieter holds up his passport. up a passport. The picture shows him holding

CUSTOMS GUY What's the purpose of your visit? DIETER I've come to get my monkey! SMASH CUT TO: INT. STRIP SEARCH ROOM

A stark room lit by fluorescent lights, dominated by a large mirror. A pair of rubber gloves is SNAPPED ON by a CUSTOMS EXAMINER who holds a pen light in his mouth. Dieter makes a face somewhere between excruciating and exquisite pleasure. INT. TWO WAY MIRROR ROOM The CUSTOMS GUY and a

A cinder-block room behind the mirror. SUPERVISOR look on. SUPERVISOR Why the strip search?

CUSTOMS GUY He requested it. It's his third time, and he keeps going back to the end of the line. INT. AIRPORT - BAGGAGE CLAIM

Dieter cranes his neck, looking for his luggage on the carousel. Then he sees -- his TINY BUBBLE CAR coming around on the carousel surrounded by suitcases. INT. AIRPORT - MAIN CONCOURSE

Dieter drives through the airport in his tiny car, exiting through double doors to the street outside.

INT./ EXT. MUSIC:

DIETER'S CAR - DRIVING - DAY

"I Love LA" reprise

Dieter passes LA landmarks: the Hollywood sign, Mann's Chinese, and the LA COUNTY SCREENPLAY LANDFILL, where a bulldozer pushes around a mountain of scripts. DIETER (V.O.) Within moments I realized that I was allergic to Los Angeles. Dieter takes in LA. He passes healthy, beautiful people: ROLLERBLADERS, JOGGERS, MOTHERS WITH BABY CARRIAGES. At each cheerful image, DIETER REACTS: he is horrified, he is frightened. DIETER (V.O.) Prolonged exposure to Americans always gives me a rash. He passes a hot dog stand with a GIANT HOTDOG on top, a bagel shop with a GIANT BAGEL on top, then a 'Bageldog' place with a GIANT BAGEL WITH A HOTDOG IN IT. DIETER (V.O.) I wanted to find Klaus as soon as possible, so I did all the usual things. I distributed pamphlets... EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - DAY

Dieter is tacking up posters of Klaus. A MAILMAN walking by takes a look and sees the horrible picture of Klaus. The mailman leans over and VOMITS. DIETER (V.O.) I interrogated possible witnesses... EXT. GROCERY STORE - DAY

An OLD WOMAN is putting her groceries in her car, her back to Dieter. Dieter walks up right behind her. DIETER (shouting) WHERE IS MY MONKEY! OLD WOMAN (terrified) Ahhhhh!

The OLD LADY pulls out a TASER STUN GUN and turns it on Dieter. He falls down, convulsing. DIETER (V.O.) And, of course, I hired a giant Zeppelin to float over the metropolis. EXT. SKY ABOVE LOS ANGELES - BLIMP

The blimp has an electronic sign on the side like at football games. It flashes messages: KIDNAPPED: MONKEY! HAVE YOU SEEN KLAUS! REWARD! ACHTUNG!, etc. DIETER (from blimp loudspeaker) CITIZENS OF LOS ANGELES! KLAUS IS MISSING! HE IS SMALL, HE IS BROWN, AND HE IS A SILLY BITCH! IF YOU HAVE SEEN HIM, CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES! The people below are terrified and/or confused. DIETER (V.O.) I had reached a nadir, a dark place in my psyche where I could see no other recourse than to end my existential agony. Emotionally I was spent, intellectually I was stymied, and plus, traffic on the 405 was a total bitch. INT./ EXT. DIETER'S CAR - 405 FREEWAY - DAY

Bumper to bumper with SUVs, Mercedes, etc. Dieter's tiny car is very conspicuous in the middle of the traffic jam. DIETER (V.O.) Then a window opened in my soul and the answer appeared before me. Dieter looks up and sees a "BAYWATCH" billboard with DAVID HASSELHOFF'S FACE shining down on him. Dieter holds his hand over his head like a lightbulb going off. DIETER Lightbulb! INT. KARLHEINZ'S OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Dieter recalls the conversation he had with Karlheinz about

ratings. a dream.

Karlheinz's face is very close and distorted as in KARLHEINZ ... every time you give Klaus more airtime, the ratings go up. We are even ahead of Baywatch. (echo effect) Baywatch... Baywatch... BACK TO:

INT./ EXT.

DIETER'S CAR - 405 FREEWAY - DAY

DIETER (extreme close-up) HASSELHOFF!? EXT. BEACH - DAY Baywatch theme

MUSIC:

Just as in the real credit sequence, we see BEAUTIFUL BAYWATCH BABE 1 run towards the camera in a red swimsuit. Then we see BEAUTIFUL BAYWATCH BABE 2 run towards the camera, great body etc. Then we see DIETER run towards the camera in SLO-MO. He is wearing a tight red nutslinger and his skin is bright white. EXT. BEACH - DAY (SCENE FROM BAYWATCH)

A CROWD is gathered around a half-drowned SURFER and his wet dog. A lifeguard has just saved his life. He turns around. It is DAVID HASSELHOFF as Mitch. DAVID HASSELHOFF Next time you want to go surfing with your dog, do it on the Internet. The dog BARKS and the CROWD LAUGHS. We see that DIETER IS AN EXTRA. He laughs a little too loud. BAYWATCH BABE 1 and BAYWATCH BABE 2 enter, excited. Mitch! BAYWATCH BABES Mitch!

DAVID HASSELHOFF What is it, CJ? BAYWATCH BABE 1 Look what we found in the cove!

The girls drag up a small chest. gold coins. The crowd GASPS.

David opens it to reveal

DAVID HASSELHOFF These are rare Spanish doubloons from the 1800s! This is pirate gold, guys. BAYWATCH BABE 2 Perfect! We can use the gold to save the Beach Youth Center. DAVID HASSELHOFF Afraid not, CJ. Even though this gold is hundreds of years old, we have to return it to the proper authorities. BAYWATCH BABE 1 But, Mitch, the Youth Center is closing in two days unless we raise ten thousand dollars. DAVID HASSELHOFF Well, I guess that means we have to win the beach volleyball tournament tomorrow. What do you say? BAYWATCH BABE 1 & 2 Awesome! They give a thumbs-up. The crowd cheers.

DIETER (O.S.) (shouting) LIES! The crowd parts and Dieter emerges. DIETER LIES! Cut! DIRECTOR Could we get security?

DIETER What have you done with my monkey, Hasselhoff?! EXT. BAYWATCH - DAY

Behind the scenes of the Baywatch shoot. Dieter sits in a canvas chair surrounded by BAYWATCH BABES. DIETER (regarding her cleavage) Your deformities are exquisite. Thank you! BAYWATCH BABE 1 You want a backrub?

The Baywatch Babes begin to massage Dieter when he sees a cute brunette walking towards him talking on a cell phone. GENA is normally dressed compared to the stunning babes around her. Dieter is smitten. He doesn't even notice Hasselhoff behind her. DAVID HASSELHOFF Dieter, nice to see you again. DIETER (startled) Oh, hello, Hasselhoff. DAVID HASSELHOFF Listen, I just want to say, no hard feelings, pal. I know that the stress of coming in second to Baywatch year after year must be just awful. And how were you to know that I was in the middle of winning a celebrity auto race in Monte Carlo when your monkey was stolen? DIETER (distracted) Oh yes, thank you. (to Gena) I am Dieter. GENA Hi, I'm Gena, David's assistant. It's nice to meet you. DIETER You are beautiful and angular. you were a gas you'd be inert. GENA Thank you, I think. DAVID HASSELHOFF If

Anyway, good luck finding your monkey. I know what it's like to lose a pet, Dieter. I had a cat once. GENA You still do, David. DAVID HASSELHOFF Right. If there's anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to call Gena. David starts to leave, followed by the Baywatch Babes. lingers to say good-bye to Dieter. GENA Listen, David's having a party tomorrow night and he wanted to invite you. Actually, I wanted to invite you. DIETER I am so full of anticipation my genitals have sucked up into my body cavity. GENA I hate it when that happens. the address. (hands him an invite) Bye, Dieter. DIETER Good-bye, Gena. GENA (beat) Hasta la vista. DIETER Auf Wiedersehen. GENA (beat) See you later, alligator. DIETER After a while, frightening swamp creature. DAVID HASSELHOFF (O.S.) Here's Gena

Gena! Gena smiles at Dieter, then runs to catch up with Hasselhoff. Dieter is intrigued. INT. SOUNDPROOF ROOM - LOCATION UNKNOWN

This is a very bare room, with cement walls and only one window. A mattress is on the floor in front of an old TV set. A slightly overweight burnout named PETE peers into a kitty carrier. PETE Alright, little man, this is home. Mi casa es su casa. (a la DeNiro) Come out, come out, wherever you are! Counselor! Come on, tiny man. No movement from the kitty carrier. PETE What's that matter, you scared? Pete leans down to the kitty carrier and puts his face close to the door, peering in. Pete is much too trusting. From KLAUS'S POV we see Pete's round face loom at the opening. Come on. PETE Commmmmme on!

Suddenly, from inside the carrier comes FLYING POOP. It hits Pete right in the face. He is stunned for a beat, then -PETE Dude, you threw your poop at me! Harsh! The phone RINGS. PETE (into phone) What's up? SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) IT'S ME. PETE Dude, it's hard to understand you. You sound like Chewbacca. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.)

YOU DON'T KNOW ME. I DON'T KNOW YOU. IT'S BETTER THIS WAY. PAY ATTENTION. DO NOT LET THE MONKEY OUT OF YOUR SIGHT. DO NOT LEAVE THE BUILDING. DO NOT TALK TO ANYONE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Absolutely. The line is dead. PETE (to Klaus) Hey tiny man, don't you wanna come out? KLAUS'S POV: from inside the carrier. his round face at the opening. No? PETE That's cool. In Again, Pete sticks PETE Hello? Hello?

Pete walks over to the counter and opens up his backpack. it are dozens of MINIATURE LIQUOR BOTTLES and BAGS OF PEANUTS. PETE Thank you, American Airlines.

He opens a little bottle of JACK DANIELS and starts to drink. KLAUS'S POV: from inside the kitty carrier, we can see Pete opening the Jack Daniels. KLAUS (screeching) Eiiiiiiiii! IN A WIDE SHOT we see a brown blur of Klaus shoot straight from the carrier ONTO PETE'S FACE, attaching like a parasite. Pete stumbles backwards trying to pry Klaus off. PETE (muffled) Fuffing monfey!

Fuffing monfey!

Finally, Pete flings Klaus off. Klaus goes flying and grabs onto a light fixture above the room. Klaus races insanely around the room which we see from his MONKEY PERSPECTIVE: fast and low to the ground. Pete turns his head back and forth in a daze, trying to

follow Klaus around the room. Finally Klaus snatches the miniature Jack Daniels bottle and retreats to a ledge, where he chugs it. PETE Go, go, go, go! Klaus finishes and tosses the bottle aside. Pete reaches into the bag and brings out two more little bottles. Klaus crawls into Pete's arms and starts on his second bottle. PETE I'm gonna call you Godzilla, after that giant monkey that climbed up the Empire State Building. Klaus looks confused, shakes his head no. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - RESEDA - DAY

Dieter's car pulls up in front of a large brand-new stucco house in a planned community. Dieter gets out, exhausted, and drags himself to the door, comparing the address to the postcard in his hand. Dieter rings the doorbell. MALE VOICE (O.S.) Could someone get the door please? (beat) Kids, I think we have a visitor. (beat) SOMEBODY OPEN THE GODDAMNED DOOR! The door is flung open by a red-faced man of about 45. Dieter's cousin, BOB SHEEDER (think WILL FERRELL). BOB AND JUST WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO FOR -(recognizing) Dieter? How are you? DIETER Exhausted. America is like hell without all the charm. BOB Well, come on in, buddy. (yelling inside) Hey honey, it's Cousin Dieter! Bob slaps Dieter on the back so hard he almost falls over. He is

INT.

SHEEDER RESIDENCE - FOYER - DAY Bob shuts the door and

Dieter and Bob enter the house. immediately the ALARM goes off.

BOB Just have to enter the code here... (frustrated) Dammit! DAMMIT! He takes off his shoe and BEATS the alarm panel until the alarm goes off. WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Is that who I think it is? Is that who I think it is? INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - KITCHEN

Bob leads Dieter into the kitchen/dining room area. Dieter is immediately smothered by CAROL SHEEDER, Bob's wife. She is a pretty, overweight woman who is currently amped up on diet pills. (NOTE: throughout the movie, Carol's weight fluctuates outrageously from scene to scene). CAROL Give me some sugar! sugar! Give me some

BOB Step back so Dieter can see you. Step back a sec! Look at that, Dieter. Doesn't she look great? Carol steps back and models for Dieter. BOB Can you tell the difference? Can you? Look at her. What do you see? DIETER All her limbs are intact. BOB No, it's her figure! pounds in two weeks. She's lost 30

CAROL (breathless, all one sentence) It's this little herbal remedy I stumbled on, I call them my magic

pills. They give me so much energy! Dieter, look at you, all dressed in black. You look just like a mime. Would you like to do mirror exercises? Carol starts to do crazy mime motions in Dieter's face. CAROL Would you like to Wash-My-Window, Mr. Mime? Would you like to Climbthe-Rope? Oh, no, we're Trapped-Ina-Box -BOB Dammit, Carol, you're taking too many of those things. Bob reaches over to look at the bottle. Carol snatches it away. They get into a tug-of-war. Carol hangs on desperately. The pills go flying and she scrambles after them. BOB Dieter, you wanna meet the gang? (calling out pleasantly) Guys? Hey guys? (beat) Time to meet your cousin Dieter! (chuckling) Come on down, you guys! (suddenly enraged) GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! I AM SERIOUS! I WILL TAN YOUR BEHIND AND I DON'T CARE WHAT THOSE MORMONS SAY! Bob and Carol's THREE KIDS file in reluctantly to be viewed. Dieter pats the youngest child on the head with absolutely zero affection. DIETER How delightful. Nothing makes a house feel warm like midgets. CAROL Dieter, these are our kids. know, children. You

BOB This is Bob Junior, our oldest boy. All the kids call him BJ...

The first is BOB JUNIOR, a surly 15-year-old. BOB Our beautiful daughter, Tyler, named after Mary Tyler Moore... TYLER is an awkward 12-year-old girl. BOB And batting clean-up, we got our youngest, little Gump. GUMP is a cute 6-year-old, but there something a little off. He grabs into Dieter's leg and clings. BOB His real name's Nathan, but it was during that fine film starring Tom Hanks that Carol and I had the hot animal sex that clean blew out my vasectomy, so we call him Gump. BOB JUNIOR Also 'cause he's a 'tard. Little Gump starts to CRY. Bob gets Bob Junior in a headlock. Everyone is YELLING. BOB Your brother is not retarded! Do you hear me? GUMP You take it back! back! Take it CAROL Oh, Bob, don't yell. yell. Quiet. BOB Quiet! Don't

QUIET!

BOB (to Dieter) So, what do you think? Are we the all-American family or what? Dieter faints. EXT. SHEEDER HOUSE - GARAGE

Carol carries a tray up the stairs to a room above the garage, like in Happy Days. INT. DIETER'S ROOM - ABOVE THE GARAGE

Carol enters. Bob is sitting beside Dieter, who is lying on the sofa bed, slightly delirious. Carol sets down the tray.

CAROL Look what I brought you, Dieter, some nice chicken soup, some Ginger Ale, and two tablets of Dexedrine. Bob gently takes the Dexedrine away from her. She holds onto them, her face clenching in rage, and then gives in, smiling serenely again. DIETER Your kindness is almost morose. You feed me, you care for me, you put me up in a room above the garage. I am like the Fonze and you are like Mr. and Mrs. C. And Tyler is like Joanie... Bob Junior is like Ritchie... But who is Potsie? (getting excited) Who is Potsie? (shouting) WHAT ABOUT POTSIE? Bob and Carol push Dieter back into the bed. DIETER (whimpering) And what of Ralph-malph? BOB Dieter, it's such a surprise to see you. The last time you visited us was... no, it must have been... let's see... you've never visited us. DIETER Cousin Bob, I have come to America to find Klaus. BOB Oh. Klaus. CAROL Now, Bob, don't hold a grudge. You know it was an accident, and anyway, that's why God gave you two kidneys. DIETER The police will not help me, the FBI will not help me. Who will help me? Who will help Dieter.

CLOSE-UP - MILK CARTON On the side of the carton where it usually has spots for missing children, is a picture of KLAUS. It says "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MONKEY" and lists his height, weight, hobbies, etc. PULL BACK -INT. MESSY HOUSE - NEXT MORNING

We see the man drinking the milk. He is a crazy-looking Slim Pickens kind of guy. His name is DARYL. He is a monkeytracker. Daryl takes a sip of the milk and immediately screws up his face like it's spoiled. After a BEAT, Daryl takes a sip of the milk. horribly, like it's spoiled. AGAIN he reacts

After a BEAT, Daryl takes a THIRD sip of the rancid milk. This time it goes down fine. He shrugs and gulps the rest. Just as he's about to throw the carton away, he see Klaus's picture on the side. DARYL What have we got here? is a case for Daryl. EXT. DARYL'S HOUSE I think this

Pull back to see the outside of Daryl's bungalow. It is almost grown over by shrubbery and weeds. A dilapidated sign reads "DARYL HAYNES - MONKEY TRACKER: NO MONKEY TOO LARGE OR TOO SMALL". Below it, handwritten, it says "I AM ALSO A NOTARY PUBLIC". EXT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY

The 'Monkey-Mobile' pulls up and parks. This is Daryl's vehicle -- an old, beat-up Bug painted like a monkey. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY

There is a loud DOORBELL at the door. BOB (O.S.) Doorbell. (beat) Somebody gonna get that door? (beat) SOMEBODY GET THE GODDAMNED DOOR!

Bob Junior gets up grumpily and opens DARYL THE MONKEY TRACKER. He wears a name and company logo on it. He also belt, and some gizmos strapped to his MUSIC: Sergio Leone-type sting

the door to reveal khaki jumpsuit with his wears goggles, a tool back.

DARYL I understand somebody here has monkey trouble. Daryl dramatically throws up the milk carton with Klaus's picture on it and 'shoots' at it with his finger. DARYL Well, Daryl's the name, and monkey tracking's my game. INT. DARYL'S MONKEY-MOBILE - DRIVING

Dieter sits stiffly, trying to maintain a distance from Daryl, who moves around spastically while he drives. The inside of the car is stuffed with old hi-tech crap covered in Taco Bell wrappers. DARYL What we got here, brother, is a fully-outfitted monkey-mobile, okay? Daryl points to various gadgets, all of which are broken or too difficult for him to figure out. DARYL Right here, is your global synchronous-um, well that's not working. Lookit here, brother. This is a scanner, which will scan -- uh, let me read the manual and get back to you. Oh I got one. Check this out. Daryl hits a button on a little key chain-type device velcroed to the dash that says "TRAFFIC ZAPPER". An LED blinks and the device makes a "PHASER" sound effect from Star Trek. DARYL Tee-hee! Sounds just like a phaser, don't it? (makes sound with his mouth)

Pkewww!

Pkewww!

DIETER You are as agonizing as life itself. DARYL You must really miss the little fella, huh? DIETER Klaus and I have a business partnership. All I want is to find my monkey and go back to Germany. DARYL Brother, let me set your mind at ease. Monkeys are not a hobby for me, monkeys are my life. I have been helping reunite monkeys with their families for over 12 years now and I hold a degree in primate behavior, though I won't lie to you, I'm a little stalled on my dissertation right now. Don't you worry, we're gonna find little Klaus. DIETER How many monkeys have you gotten back? DARYL Did I mention I'm also a notary public? I can notarize official documents, deeds, titles, anything of that nature. DIETER How many monkeys have you gotten back? DARYL Alive? (beat) To tell the truth, you're my first case. The notarizing has been the big money-earner so far. I might not have a lot of experience, but I know monkeys. Brother, I love monkeys. I think like a monkey, I live like a monkey, I --

DIETER Smell like a monkey. DARYL Zap! You got me. Guilty as charged. Look, I can find your monkey, you just need to ask yourself, 'self, can I handle the truth?' Cause sometimes it's better not to know. DIETER The only thing to fear is fear itself. And sharks. Also, growing old alone. That is scary. Anyway, I must find Klaus. Tell me everything. DARYL Well, there is a secret society of horrible, despicable degenerates, sort of like a monkey underground. They do things to monkeys you couldn't even imagine. DIETER What, they have sex with them? DARYL Jeez, no! That's awful. I never would have thought of that! EXT. MONKEY BISTRO

A fashionable bistro with a sign that says "MONKEY BISTRO". INT. MONKEY BISTRO

The place is packed with FAMILIES, PEOPLE ON DATES, etc. Like TGI Fridays. A COUPLE comes in. HEADWAITER Good evening and welcome to the Monkey Bistro. As you make your selection tonight, remember that monkey is the other, other white meat. He shows them to their table. HEADWAITER All the dishes on the menu can be

served a variety of ways but, as always at the Monkey Bistro, you pick your own. They pass a family sitting at a table. at something we can't see. They are all pointing

LITTLE GIRL I want the one riding a bicycle! LITTLE BOY I want the small one clinging to the large one! MOTHER God, I hate this place! (beat) It's so hard to decide! The family laughs and goes back to deciding. The Headwaiter seats the couple beside Daryl and Dieter, who hide behind menus. DARYL Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever seen? DIETER Yes, I hate it when people bring children to a restaurant. INT. MONKEY BISTRO - KITCHEN They enter

Daryl and Dieter make their way to the kitchen. and all the KITCHEN HELP look up. DARYL My name is Daryl Haynes and I'm a monkey tracker! The kitchen help just stare at him. DIETER My name is Dieter, and I am a German!

They all scatter, running out of the kitchen, shouting. headwaiter comes in. HEADWAITER We need a Curious George, well done, and a jungle gym special -- hey,

The

what's going on? Daryl takes him and slams him against the wall. DARYL You monster! How can you do this to innocent monkeys? HEADWAITER I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor. I'm just working here until I get my new headshots. DARYL I outta kill you! Daryl, no! DIETER We need information.

DARYL You're right. Cool it down. Back it on down. (to headwaiter) Have you gotten a shipment in the last couple of days? A shipment of... (has to force it out) Monkeys? The headwaiter nods 'yes.' DARYL Where are they? The headwaiter nods towards the oven. DARYL Where? You mean -- oh God. (to Dieter) Dieter, are you ready for this? DIETER I think so. Daryl slowly opens the oven door while Dieter looks on. Daryl pulls out the oven tray like a coroner uncovering a body. Dieter finally looks down. DIETER (relieved) That is not my monkey.

EXT.

STREET - DAY

Dieter and Daryl walk down a normal downtown street, past BUSINESSMEN, etc. DARYL Thy guy at the restaurant said they get their monkeys from this place in Chinatown. DIETER What are we waiting for? DARYL Okay, take a left here. Daryl and Dieter go around a corner and instantly they're in -CHINATOWN Suddenly everyone is Chinese, all the signs are in Chinese, the street is crowded with little shops, etc., all around the corner from the totally normal street. DARYL This is it -- Chinatown. DIETER It was so close. How convenient. EXT. LO IMPORT/EXPORT - DAY Let's go.

Daryl and Dieter enter. INT. LO IMPORT/EXPORT - DAY

The place is packed with herbs, powders, animal skins, etc. Behind the counter is BILL S. LO. BILL S. LO Hey guys, hello! My name is Bill S. Lo, say it fast it's slow. Get it? Bill S. Lo? DARYL (laughing) That's pretty funny. Dieter shoots him a look. BILL S. LO

Hey, I know why you here! All the time white guys come in here, they want something for they sexual organs, right! I got a special for you! (holds up a powder) Powdered deer balls. Good for sex with the women. Or mens, right? Ha-ha-ha, I don't judge here. We take the deer balls -- you know, testicles, right? -- and we grind them up. Yeah. Good for you, bad for deer! Yeah, for deer it's not so good. DIETER Actually, we're looking for a monkey. Monkey? BILL S. LO Yeah, I got this.

He holds up a monkey claw on a stick. BILL S. LO Monkey very lucky, yeah. for itch. Also good Dieter takes the

He scratches his back with the monkey claw. monkey claw sadly. DIETER (emotional) This reminds me of the times Klaus would scratch my back.

DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE-UP - A MONKEY"S PAW Is scratching Dieter. DIETER Thank you, Klaus. PULL BACK to see that Dieter is actually being scratched by one of the little monkey paw back-scratchers, which Klaus himself is holding. BACK TO: INT. LO IMPORT/EXPORT

DARYL Try and be a little sensitive. man just lost his monkey.

The

BILL S. LO (indicating scratcher) Oh, this? Don't worry, it's not really monkey, no. DIETER Thank God. BILL S. LO Yeah, it's cat. Monkey too hard to get past customs and everything. You would not believe the red tape and government regulations to bring in animal parts. Yeah, you got to fill out whole shitload of forms. You got to go to the airport, pay about six dollars for parking. It's real pain in the ass. INT. AIRPORT - DAY

Dieter leads Daryl through the concourse. DARYL Dieter, we'll never get information from a customs agent. These guys are Federal agents. Just then, Dieter sees the Customs Agent who strip searched him before. The Customs guy looks around, then WAVES. CUT TO: A LIST OF NAMES AND ADDRESSES - IN THE MONKEY-MOBILE Daryl looks over the list and drives. DARYL This is a list of every animal brought through LA in the last month -- names, addresses, everything. It's amazing what frat brothers will do for each other. DIETER Well, you know, Sigma Chi, do or die.

DARYL Let's see... dog, dog, cat, dog, dog, here we go -- monkey! This is the only monkey checked through customs in the last month. The name is Smith. The address is 2000 Woodcrest in Malibu. DIETER 2000 Woodcrest? Dieter pulls out the invitation that Gena gave him on the set of Baywatch. The address is -- 2000 Woodcrest. DIETER HASSELHOFF?! INT. DIETER'S MANSION - NIGHT It

Dieter's house is empty and dark. Angle on a phone. rings, breaking the silence. It rings again. DIETER'S VOICE (V.O.) Hi, this is Dieter. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) LISTEN CAREFULLY OR THE MONKEY DIES. WE WANT -DIETER'S VOICE (V.O.) (picking up) I'm not home right now, but you can reach me in America at 818-555-9697. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) IS THIS A MACHINE? DAMN! HELLO? THINK THIS IS A MACHINE. UH, I GOTTA GO. BYE. Click. EXT. Dial tone. I

MALIBU MANSION - NIGHT

Dieter pulls up to the huge estate in his mini car, very out of place among the Mercedes, Porsches, etc. He and Daryl get out. DIETER There must be some mistake. I have already taunted Hasselhoff and he is as innocent as a newborn seal, still

slick from its mother's womb. DARYL Don't worry , partner, if there's a monkey in there, I'll find it. They walk past a gold sign that reads "CHATEAU HASSELHOFF". INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - PARTY - NIGHT

Dieter and Daryl enter the splendiferous mansion of David Hasselhoff. A big party is in full swing, with celebrities. DARYL (whistling) Ooo-wee, nice digs. Nipsy Russell?

Hey, is that

DIETER Please Daryl, try to act like he's not the first superstar you've ever seen. (noticing someone) Oh, no. DARYL What is it? DIETER An old flame. DICK VAN PATTEN approaches them. He is cold.

DICK VAN PATTEN Hello, Dieter. DIETER Hello, Dick. DICK VAN PATTEN (regarding Daryl) Is this your newest victim? DIETER Please, Dick, don't make a scene. DICK VAN PATTEN Dieter, you know I've never gotten over you. Can you forget Malta? The hovercraft? CUT TO:

EXT.

MALTA - HOVERCRAFT - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Dick and Dieter are on the deck of a hovercraft speeding across the ocean. They are both nude. DICK VAN PATTEN Phillipe, more champagne! A TURKISH BOY comes over and pours them both champagne. DICK VAN PATTEN Dieter, tell me this will last forever. Dick and Dieter lean in for a kiss. Closer... then we -CUT BACK TO: INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - PARTY - NIGHT Dick van Patten is crying.

We return to the party.

DICK VAN PATTEN I gave you the most precious gift a man can give. DIETER I gave you your watch back. DICK VAN PATTEN You rejected me. DIETER I wish you had never learned to weep, Dick van Patten! DICK VAN PATTEN Forgive me, I've had too much to drink. He rushes off, emotional. DARYL Dick van Patten! Man, Dieter, you swim with the big fish. Just then, Dieter sees Gena waving to him from across the room. DIETER Daryl, why don't we split up? You

look for traces of monkey and I'll... do other things. DARYL Alright, partner. DeLuise? Hey, is that Dom

Daryl runs after Dom as Gena approaches. Hi. it. GENA I'm really glad you could make

DIETER I never miss a decadent expression of bourgeois hyperbole. GENA You mean a party? Do you always have to intellectualize fun? DIETER In Germany, fun is for the elderly and the mentally deficient. GENA Well, we'll just have to make you less German and more human. MUSIC: "Let's Make Lots of Money" by THE PET SHOP BOYS

PARTY MONTAGE While Daryl snoops around smelling bananas and drinking from mostly-empty glasses, Dieter and Gena mingle, shot in cinema verite style (like the party in The Player). As they walk through we hear the conversations of real celebs, such as: TOM HANKS We opened at twenty-two, but five million of that was my assistant buying tickets with my Amex. I figure I make it up in the back end, right? ELLEN DEGENERES and ANNE HECHE talking to a YOUNG EXEC. YOUNG EXEC I am head of development for the Dalai Lama, and I think I have something that's perfect for the two of you.

JONATHAN LIPNIKI and MIKE DELUCA. JONATHAN LIPNIKI How would you feel if I told you I wanted to direct? Gena points to BRIAN GRAZER and RON HOWARD. GENA That's Brian Grazer, head of Imagine. He's one of the biggest producers in town. DIETER I have an idea for him. Dieter heads over to Brian Grazer, interrupting his conversation with RON HOWARD. DIETER You have heard of the canine classic Old Yeller? BRIAN GRAZER (startled) Of course. DIETER Well, I propose a sequel... TwoHeaded Old Yeller! CUT TO: INT. CABIN - DAY (TWO-HEADED OLD YELLER CLIP)

A hardened COUNTRY WOMAN is washing dishes in a plain old cabin. A freckle-faced BOY comes running in. BOY Ma, Yeller's back from the research center and he's got two heads. Can we keep him? MA Well, you have to feed him twice a day, once for his normal head and once for his vestigial head. EXT. PORCH - DAY (TWO-HEADED OLD YELLER CLIP)

The boy runs out on the porch.

BOY I get to keep you, Two-Headed Old Yeller! We see Two-Headed Old Yeller. He is a cute Old Yeller type dog with TWO HEADS. One head BARKS and then the other head BARKS a weird bark. INT. HASSELHOFF'S PARTY

Brian Grazer and Ron Howard are enraptured. I love it! INT. BRIAN GRAZER How does it end?

CABIN - DAY - MONTHS LATER (TWO-HEADED OLD YELLER CLIP)

The boy stands with his PA. BOY Pa, what's that matter with TwoHeaded Old Yeller? He's foaming at the mouth. PA Both mouths? BOY Yeah, Pa. PA I'm sorry, Billy, it sounds like the rabies. You know I gotta do what's best for us, and for Two-Headed Old Yeller. Pa takes his GUN down off the wall and walks out of the cabin. The boy runs to his Ma. She covers his ears as we hear a SHOT. And then another SHOT. BACK TO: INT. HASSELHOFF'S MANSION - PARTY - NIGHT

Brian Grazer and Ron Howard's faces are STREAMING WITH TEARS as is everyone's around him. BRIAN GRAZER (crying) That's the saddest damn thing I ever heard.

RON HOWARD You know, I'd love to direct something like that. DIETER Back off, Opie. LATER - ELSEWHERE IN THE PARTY Gena introduces Dieter to man with a long grey ponytail. GENA Dieter, this is Richard Klein, head of one of LA's most successful ad agencies. RICHARD KLEIN Right now we're trying to market an obscure Swedish candy in the US. Your European sensibilities are perfect. Got any ideas? CUT TO: ACTUAL MENTOS COMMERCIAL One of the familiar ones we've all seen on TV, with weird silent Nordic types who smile robotically and give a thumbs up after they move a car or something. MUSIC: Mentos theme BACK TO: INT. HASSELHOFF'S MANSION - PARTY - NIGHT

Richard Klein loves it. RICHARD KLEIN That's genius! With an ad campaign like this, Mentos is destined to be huge! You're hired! Gena toasts Dieter. PARTY - LATER Dieter and Gena look very bored as they listen to a long story by CLINT EASTWOOD. CLINT EASTWOOD

... let's see, that was on the set of "Every Which Way But Loose" -- no, no it was "Any Which Way You Can". Anyway, that crazy monkey got a hold of my car keys -DIETER Your story has become tiresome. Now is the time at the party when we dance! Dieter starts to do his crazy dance. At first everyone just stares at him, but then the music changes and people start to JOIN IN. First Gena, then others, then everyone. LATER - THE PARTY Gena and Dieter are talking. GENA Looks like you're a hit, Dieter. DIETER Sorry, I didn't hear you -- I was too busy selling out. Where are you from? GENA Actually I grew up not far from -DIETER Enough small talk. Now is the time when I grill you. Do you enjoy working for the Hasselhoff? GENA David's a great guy. DIETER Yes, I thought his work on Nichtrider was groundbreaking. Tell me, does he have an interest in monkeys? GENA Why don't you ask him? Hasselhoff approaches them smoking a cigar. HASSELHOFF Welcome to Chateau Hasselhoff, Dieter. Had any luck finding your

monkey? DIETER No. The kidnappers are demanding fifty thousand dollars American. HASSELHOFF But Sprockets is a very successful show Dieter -- not as successful as Baywatch of course, but surely it made you a wealthy man. Why don't you pay? DIETER I was rich once, but I spent all my money on art and lotions. HASSELHOFF I'm sorry to hear that, Dieter. DARYL Cut the crap, pretty boy. Daryl appears beside Hasselhoff. HASSELHOFF Is this a friend of yours, Dieter? DIETER Um, I can't remember. DARYL Where's the monkey, Hoo-hoo-hoff? (sniffing Hasselhoff) I can smell it on you. HASSELHOFF Would you happen to have any proof? Daryl pulls out the list. DARYL This is a list of animals that have come through customs. It says right here that a monkey came to this address. HASSELHOFF There must be some mix-up. (takes the slips) Look, the name on this is Smith. My name's not Smith. The only animal

I've taken through customs is my cat. I took him with me to Monte Carlo. Won a bundle. DARYL Cat, huh? Don't you think if you owned a cat, you'd have a... litter box? HASSELHOFF Of course. DARYL Ha! HASSELHOFF You're standing in it. Widen to reveal that Daryl is indeed standing with one foot in the litter box. He steps out and tries to shake it off his leg. DARYL I see you got the clumping kind, that's smart. HASSELHOFF Dieter, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. EXT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - NIGHT

Gena walks out with Dieter and Daryl. DARYL You're just gonna let him get away? GENA Last time I checked it's not illegal to own a cat. DARYL I'm telling you, Dieter, Klaus was in that house. That wasn't cat poop in that box. DIETER How do you know? Daryl spits something into his hand and shows it to Dieter. DARYL

When's the last time you tasted cat poop with banana in it? Dieter and Gena are disgusted. DIETER You are as jealous as an aging ingenue. Your efforts to find Klaus have amounted to scheibe and now you have falsely accused Hasselhoff. DARYL Dieter, you've been blinded by the bright lights of Hollywood. You don't really care about Klaus. You've forgotten what it means to love another creature unselfishly. You only want Klaus back so you can keep that weird show of yours. DIETER That is not true! (to camera, zoom) OR IS IT? DARYL Tell me something, Dieter, what color are Klaus's eyes? Dieter doesn't know. CLOSE-UP on Dieter's brow. sweat pool up. DRAMATIC music stings. DARYL It's a simple question. are Klaus's eyes? What color Beads of

DIETER (panicking) They are monkey-colored, okay? should I know?

How

DARYL I'm this close to blowing this case wide open, Dieter. I am a monkey tracker! And I'm not giving up until I find Klaus. With or without you. Daryl gets into the monkey-mobile and screeches off, leaving Dieter and Gena. DIETER (V.O.)

The next day, Gena showed me Los Angeles. For a few precious moments, I was so happy I almost forgot to be miserable. EXT. A) B) MONTAGE - VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY

Dieter imitates those guys who pretend to be robots on Hollywood Boulevard. Gena gets her picture taken with a cardboard cut-out of BRAD PITT. Dieter gets his picture made with a cardboard cut-out of the EXECUTION VICTIM from that famous Vietnam War photo. Dieter and Gena stand by a sign that says "La Brea Tar Pits". Suddenly Gena notices that Dieter is gone. She looks and sees him emerging from the Pits, covered in tar, arms raised like a monster. They laugh. Dieter and Gena exit the WAX MUSEUM. Dieter tries to get her to enter the MUSEUM OF SORES AND LESIONS. She declines. They open a big book called "Pick Your Own Target". Gena points to a picture of a "CLOWN"; Dieter picks one labeled "MOM". We see Dieter and Gena firing flame throwers at men in fireproof suits, one dressed as a clown, the other dressed as an old lady. DIETER'S ROOM - NIGHT (MONTAGE ENDS)

C)

D)

E)

INT.

Dieter and Gena are snuggling on the couch in Dieter's room. The lights are dim, a romantic mood. DIETER Gena, today was wonderful -- then it was hellish for about half an hour -- then it was wonderful again. GENA I'm glad you had a good time. Gena strikes a provocative pose. DIETER'S POV: Dieter is aroused.

Gena is replaced by Dieter's MOTHER. DIETER'S MOTHER

Dieter! Dieter is horrified. He blinks and Gena reappears.

GENA Dieter? Then his MOTHER: DIETER'S MOTHER Dieter! Then GENA. Dieter? GENA What's the matter?

DIETER Excuse me, I'm working out some issues. Gena slips off her robe, revealing a sexy nightie. DIETER They are worked out now. Gena pulls Dieter on top of her. DIETER Gena? GENA Yes, Dieter? DIETER Make a face like a whore! GENA (laughing) What? You're crazy, there's no way I'm making a face like a whore! DIETER I love that. Gena, you have really taught me to loosen up. Just then, the PHONE RINGS. DIETER (into phone) Hello, thank you for calling Pizza Hut. They GIGGLE. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.)

WHAT? SORRY, I THINK I HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER -DIETER (suddenly serious) No, this is Dieter. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) KEEP PLAYING THESE GAMES AND THE MONKEY DIES. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FIGURED OUT I WAS IN LOS ANGELES, BUT THAT TRICK WILL COST YOU. THE RANSOM HAS JUST DOUBLED TO ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. DIETER I don't have that kind of cash. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) DON'T LIE TO ME! I READ VARIETY. THE EXCHANGE WILL BE TOMORROW. He hangs up. EXT. Dieter looks at Gena, frightened.

GREENBLATT'S DELI

Establishing shot of the famous deli on Sunset. INT. GREENBLATT'S DELI

A busy deli. An OLD COUNTERMAN is writing down orders on a pad. The phone RINGS. He answers it. OLD COUNTERMAN Greenblatt's. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) YEAH, I'D LIKE A PASTRAMI REUBEN, HOLD THE SLAW -OLD COUNTERMAN Hold on, I can't understand you with that voice scrambler on. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) OH SORRY. We hear a CLICK. When the voice comes back on, it is strangely familiar. FAMILIAR VOICE (V.O.) Is that better?

OLD COUNTERMAN Okay, you want pastrami Reuben, no slaw, comes with a pickle. What's the name? INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF

DAVID HASSELHOFF is on the phone. DAVID HASSELHOFF (to camera) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. GREENBLATT'S DELI COUNTERMAN (beat) Sir, why are you laughing? say something funny? INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF DAVID HASSELHOFF (catching himself) No, sorry. Um, could I get some potato salad on the side? EXT. IL RANCHO MILAGRO STREETS - NEXT DAY

Did I

A van rolls slowly through the neighborhood. On the side it says "NEW LEAF FLORISTS" but you can quite clearly see the "FBI" logo showing through a thin layer of new paint. It also has a "FEDERAL VEHICLE" license plate and a bumper sticker that says "HONK IF YOU LOVE THE FBI". INT. VAN - DRIVING - DAY AGENT MILBURNE is in

FBI AGENT FISHER drives a delivery van. the passenger seat, talking on a radio.

MILBURNE This is eagle. We are moving in to prep the pigeon and we are deep undercover. Do not attempt to contact. Repeat, we are deep undercover. EXT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY

The van parks. The AGENTS get out, wearing florist coveralls and carrying bouquets, but have forgotten to take off their

mirrored sunglasses and earpieces. to get the paper. NEIGHBOR Who's getting flowers?

A NEIGHBOR opens her door

The high-strung FBI guys wheel around, dropping their flowers and FIRING UZIS which are hidden in the bouquets. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY

Dieter, Gena, and Bob are sitting with the FBI guys. Carol enters. She is INCREDIBLY THIN. She has literally lost 70 pounds since we last saw her last. She is also completely WIRED. She carries a tray of milk and cookies, which RATTLES because she is shaking so hard. CAROL (to FBI guys) Can you boys eat on duty? BOB Why don't you set that tray down, honey? CAROL Okay. Carol lets go of the tray about TWO FEET above the table. CRASHES down and everyone jumps. CAROL Is anyone else seeing double? MILBURNE We'll just serve ourselves, ma'am. (to Dieter) I'm Agent Milburne and this is Agent Fisher, Federal Bureau of Investigation. FISHER The first thing we need to do is get an accurate description of the victim. How old is Klaus? DIETER Approximately 12. FISHER Height? He was adopted. It

DIETER About 3 feet four inches. FISHER A little short for his age, huh? Okay, what is the color and length of his hair? DIETER His hair is dark brown and about an inch long, with bald spots where he scratches too much. FISHER You know, my son got that too. I put him in private school. Do you have a picture of the little fella? DIETER Yes. Dieter pulls out a picture of Klaus and shows it to Fisher and Milburne. We don't see it. MILBURNE (grimacing) Holy Lord! What is he doing? Dieter whispers something to Bob. MILBURNE That's disgusting. DIETER (proud) Thank you. FISHER Now, do you have the ransom? Dieter opens a briefcase. bills. It is packed with hundred-dollar

FISHER Listen, we need to put a wire on you. That way, we keep track of you every second. We can put it on your chest but it's easily detected if they pat you down. The safest thing to do is tape it to your scrotum. DIETER

If you must. FISHER It might be a little cold. Below frame: shoot up. Fisher places the wire. Dieter's eyebrows

DIETER This takes me back to my college days. MILBURNE Keep your mind on what we're doing. Follow the instructions exactly. Don't try to be a hero. We have a specially trained commando team shadowing you. These men are killers. If there is the slightest hint of danger, say the word "Apache" and they will attack, got it? DIETER Yes, if there is trouble I say "Apach--" Milburne leaps up and clamps a hand on Dieter's mouth. Don't! MILBURNE Only in an emergency.

GENA Good luck, Dieter. Carol runs up and gives Dieter a hug. TYLER When you come back will you teach me to ice skate like you promised? BOB JUNIOR Hey, if you die should I give your clothes to the gay Goodwill or what? BOB You shut up, Bob Junior! HUSH IT! (to Dieter) See you when you get back, buddy. EXT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY

The Sheeder's door opens and a phalanx of COMMANDOS comes out with guns drawn, protecting Dieter who is in the middle. An innocent JOGGER waves. JOGGER Good morning! The FBI guys turn and MOW HIM DOWN. EXT. He falls in a heap.

IL RANCHO MILAGRO GATED COMMUNITY - GATE - DAY

Dieter in the mini-van pulls out. Then Fisher and Milburne in the florist van. Then, after a beat, DARYL FOLLOWS secretly in the monkey-mobile. INT. SOUNDPROOF ROOM - LOCATION UNKNOWN - DAY

Pete and Klaus are sitting on the couch in identical postures. We see that they are playing Diddy Kong Racing on NINTENDO 64. PETE You shoulda hit that striper! (playing the game) Now Pete's taking the shortcut... Pete's racing through the canyon... and... Pete wins! Pete wins! (to Klaus) You suck, Godzilla! I own you! I got game! (beat) Wait a minute, you're a monkey, dude. I forgot. You play awesome for a monkey! The PHONE RINGS. As Pete answers it, he grabs his cheek and stretches it out, making a crappy homemade voice scrambler. PETE (answering, stretching his cheek) Hebbblo? INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - INTERCUT

We see that it's Hasselhoff, but he still has the voice scrambler on. HASSELHOFF (scrambled) IT'S ME. HOW'S THE MONKEY?

PETE (stretching his cheek) He's coolba. Be bere jus pblaybing Nintenbo. HASSELHOFF (scrambled) I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU. VOICE LIKE THAT?

WHY IS YOUR

PETE (stops doing it) I was just using my voice scrambler, bro. Why should you be the only one? HASSELHOFF (scrambled) DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. IT'S GOING DOWN RIGHT NOW. HE'S ON HIS WAY TO THE RENDEZVOUS POINT. PETE Get ready, Godzilla, you're going home. HASSELHOFF (scrambled) WHAT DID YOU CALL HIM? PETE Godzilla, like that big monkey in that movie. HASSELHOFF (scrambled) YOU MEAN KING KONG, YOU IDIOT. LISTEN, THAT MONKEY'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND NEITHER ARE YOU. I'VE GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE PLANNED. PETE You mean you're not giving the dude his monkey back? Harsh, dude, very harsh. (beat, to Klaus) Hey, you know what that means, Godzilla? Rematch! Hasselhoff hangs up and dials another number. DAVID HASSELHOFF

(into phone) Hello, sheriff's department? This is David Hasselhoff. (beat) Yes, that David Hasselhoff. I'd like to report a trespasser. EXT. ROAD TO CABIN - NIGHT

Night has fallen. Dieter drives the mini-van up a treacherous mountain road. As he turns into a gravel driveway, he speaks into his collar. DIETER I'm here. Dieter pulls in. Farther down the road, the COMMANDOS pour out of the van and disappear into the woods. Even further down the road, the MONKEY-MOBILE pulls over and stops. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Dieter walks through the woods towards a cabin in the distance. He is WHISTLING the theme from Fritz Lang's "M". INT. FBI VAN

Fisher and Milburne are hunched over listening and working computer equipment. Fisher wears headphones. MILBURNE Getting anything? FISHER He's whistling. Badly. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Dieter is closer to the cabin, still WHISTLING. He hears an animal noise and turns to the right, a little scared. Nothing. He turns back to the left to see a RACCOON jump right in his face, horror-movie style. Dieter is terrified. After a beat he looks down at his crotch. DIETER Oops. INT. FBI VAN - NIGHT We hear a SSSSSSSSSS sound.

Fisher and Milburne listen. FISHER

Oh, man, he's pissing himself. Suddenly, the audio CACKS OUT and we hear FUZZ. some switches, jiggles some wires. FISHER It's shorted out. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT He approaches We've lost him. Fisher hits

Dieter's face is a mixture of fear and relief. the cabin on foot, carrying the briefcase. DIETER (whispering) Klaus! Klaus! He hears a high-pitched SQUEAK. Could it be?

DIETER (whispering) Hold on, Klaus, I am coming. Dieter looks around and opens a window to the cabin. He sneaks in. On the other side of the cabin, we see the source of the noises -- it is a RACCOON. He also slips into the cabin. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT

SHERIFF'S CAR drives past Daryl in the monkey-mobile and pulls up to the cabin. The SHERIFF and his deputy, BILLY, get out of the car. BILLY Isn't this where Cooter and his brother saw them flying saucers? SHERIFF Shut up, Billy! Just keep your eyes open for trespassers. They walk towards the cabin. INT. CABIN - NIGHT

Dieter is inside. It is pitch black. All we can see are Dieter's EYES and a set of SMALLER EYES. DIETER (V.O.) Klaus?

We here a fearful SQUEAK. DIETER (V.O.) Klaus, we have been through so much. Let me hug you. Dieter moves towards 'Klaus' and TRIPS over something. SCREECHING noise gets high-pitched and ominous. DIETER (V.O.) Klaus, why won't you let me hug you? Klaus! Come here, you silly bitch. We hear the sounds of a HUGE SCUFFLE, overturning furniture, HORRIBLE SCREECHING, etc. DIETER (V.O.) Oww! Not the eyes, Klaus! eyes! EXT. CABIN Not the The

The sheriff and his deputy have an ear to the door. SHERIFF Something goddamn awful is happening in there. INT. CABIN - NIGHT

The SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE continue, the screeching builds to a pitch, and then SILENCE. DIETER (V.O.) Ahha! I've got you! Ah Klaus, it is so good to see you again. (making kissy noises) Mmmmmaw! Mmmawch! Suddenly, the sheriff and his deputy BURST IN. They switch on a LIGHT to reveal Dieter in what appears to be a compromising position with the raccoon, his EYES CLOSED. DIETER (still making kissy noises) Klaus, it is good to see you. Mmmwa-mmmmwch! (opens his eyes) Ahhhhhhh! RACCOON

Eeeeeeeeii! The RACCOON scurries away out of the cabin. SHERIFF (disgusted) What the hell were you doing to that raccoon, son? DIETER I though it was a monkey. SHERIFF Jesus Christ! That's worse! DIETER I came here to pay. the money. Dieter opens the case. SHERIFF Are you trying to bribe a peace officer? DIETER No, I just want my monkey! my monkey! SHERIFF Hey, hey calm down! the crotchal area! I want Look, here is

Hands away from

DIETER You are interfering with an FBI schting operation. (into collar) G-men? Come in, G-men. SHERIFF Billy, check him out. BILLY (patting Dieter down) He's clean. No wire. SHERIFF Check his scrotum. BILLY (reluctant) You want me to check his scrotum,

Sheriff? SHERIFF Yeah, Billy, go ahead. BILLY Okay. (long beat) Sheriff, what's a scrotum? SHERIFF Jesus, Billy. It's your ball sack, it's what holds your nuts in. BILLY Oh, Okay! I thought it was that thing in your throat that hangs down. (to Dieter) Pardon me, sir. Billy reaches down (out of frame) between Dieter's legs and gives a mighty yank. SFX: Rrrrrrrrrippp! Dieter's face contorts in pain, then a slight smile. DIETER Ouch. BILLY Here it is, Sheriff. Billy holds up the microphone by its wire. It still has tape on it, and the tape has pulled off a clump of sparse HAIR. SHERIFF Well maybe you are telling the truth. If this is really an FBI operation, you must have an emergency word. DIETER (into collar microphone) I am about to tell the sheriff the code word. This is not a distress call. Do not attack. (to sheriff) We are safe now. The code word is "Apache". INT. FBI VAN - NIGHT

Fisher and Milburne work at the equipment, trying to get a

signal back.

Finally Fisher tunes it in. FISHER

Got it! DIETER (V.O.) (crackly, on the radio) ... "Apache". EXT. CABIN - NIGHT

Suddenly, all hell breaks loose. HELICOPTERS with spotlights appear overhead. The field around the cabin turns into a bunch of COMMANDOS as they rise up from holes dug in the ground. ARMORED TROOP CARRIERS roar up. Flashlights, laser sights, and infrared images appear everywhere. Fisher and Milburne lead the troops. INT. CABIN - NIGHT

The sheriff reacts to the commotion outside. SHERIFF What the hell? Billy goes to the window and looks. All he sees are huge lights overhead and what looks to be CREATURES with red lights coming out of their heads. BILLY It's aliens, sheriff! Just like in that movie with the Fresh Prince! Billy, wild-eyed, pulls up his shotgun and FIRES out the window. BILLY You ain't gonna give me an anal probe! He FIRES again and hits one of the agents. return fire with HEAVY MACHINE GUNS. INT./ EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - FIREFIGHT The FBI guys

A huge gun battle erupts between the FBI commandos outside and the Sheriff and Billy inside. It is like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, with the cabin getting riddled with bullets. The Sheriff and his deputy fire out the windows, then quickly duck back down again. At some point, Billy tosses Dieter a shotgun.

SHERIFF Billy! BILLY If the aliens get us, we'll all be dead anyway! Dieter joins in, blasting away with the shotgun. The FBI guys are taking terrible casualties but they have overwhelming firepower. One shot blows up a truck. The sheriff takes a bullet in the shoulder. Another shot kills Agent Milburne. It is a bloodbath. Finally an FBI guy launches TEAR GAS into the cabin. BILLY It's alien amnesia gas! EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Run!

Dieter, the Sheriff, and Billy run out of the cabin with their hands up. They are surrounded by men in black armored suits and blinded by spotlights. BILLY Just give me the anal probe now! Get it over with! FISHER (O.S.) Keep your hands up where we can see them! Do not move! Curious. DIETER The aliens speak English.

BILLY Escape while you can, sheriff. I'm ready for the ultimate journey, I'm ready! Billy charges towards the lights. BILLY Ahhhhhhhhh! A SINGLE SHOT rings out and he falls. has a uniform on. FISHER Jesus Christ, are you law enforcement? Fisher can see that he

The giant lights go out and the FBI guys lower their guns. Medics come and load Billy up on a stretcher. FISHER Why the hell did you fire on us? SHERIFF We got a tip that somebody's been up here trespassing on private property. We checked it out and found this German, says he's part of a ransom drop. FISHER He's right, you stupid redneck. This was a carefully planned and researched sting operation, which is now all for shit! SHERIFF (looking around) Why would you guys go through all this trouble for a monkey? FISHER What do you mean, monkey? Dieter starts to walk backwards slowly, hoping no one will notice. SHERIFF Well the German says he was here to pay the ransom on his monkey. FISHER (to Dieter) Wait a minute, Klaus is a monkey? Oops. DIETER Did I not mention that?

FISHER We thought he was your kid! An ugly hairy little kid! Hey, it's not our job to judge other people's kids, right? We lost six men out here tonight, mister! Six good men with families! My partner for twenty years just died with his large intestines in his hands! He was crying for his momma while blood came out his ears and for what? A

goddamned chimp?! DIETER A spider monkey, actually. are much larger and -Chimps

Fisher strikes Dieter in the stomach with the butt of his gun. Dieter doubles over in pain as Fisher walks off. DIETER (strained) At least you're not angry. EXT. CABIN - LATER

The aftermath of the crime scene. Cop cars, ambulances, etc. They stuff Dieter into a sheriff's car and race away, sirens blaring. Daryl approaches BILLY, who has a bandage around his leg. DARYL Jeez, what happened here? BILLY We apprehended a Caucasian male for trespassing, bribing a peace officer, and, lets see... (looking on his pad) Oh yeah, fucking a raccoon. DARYL Trespassing? Whose property is this? BILLY (checking the pad) Some guy named... David Hasselhoof? DARYL (extreme close-up) HASSELHOFF?! INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - DAY

Hasselhoff sits next to a record player wearing bulky oldfashioned headphones. He is rocking back and forth, jamming out. He tilts the album and we see that it is "DAVID HASSELHOFF'S GREATEST HITS". A TV is on behind him. A picture of DIETER appears on the news. Hasselhoff takes of the headphones and turns it up.

INT.

NEWS DESK (ON TELEVISION) MALE ANCHOR In Southland news, German talk show host known only as Dieter has been arrested. Gunfire broke out at a remote cabin late last night as police tried to make the arrest. Dieter is being held on charges of trespassing, attempted bribery, and fucking a raccoon. FEMALE ANCHOR Thanks, Chuck. In other news --

Hasselhoff turns the TV off and laughs smugly. EXT. JAIL - DAY

It is a sleek, modern concrete building. It could be a software company. A sign says "RIVERSIDE COUNTY CORRECTIONAL FACILITY". A GUIDE is leading a tour. TOUR GUIDE Welcome to the Riverside County Correctional Facility. Over here you can see our main campus, designed by I.M. Pei. Wow. Now would be a good time for photos. As you can see, Riverside is truly a state-of-the-art facility. A GUARD enters the jail. INT. JAIL We follow him.

In stark contrast to the sleek exterior, the inside of the jail is like a MEDIEVAL DUNGEON. Iron bars, stone walls, straw floors, rats, etc. Prisoners are chained to the walls, MOANING. PRISONER The rat ate my leg! leg! Eww! INT. The rat ate my

ANOTHER PRISONER I ate the rat! Eww!

JAIL - ROW OF CELLS

Pan across a LINE OF PRISONERS. They each hold numbered pieces of paper. They wait impatiently. The line ends at

DIETER'S CELL. INT. JAIL - OUTSIDE DIETER'S CELL

A mean-looking prisoner with many tattoos steps out. A second later, Dieter steps out. He looks down at a pad. Number 23. DIETER 23, please.

The next prisoner steps up and hands Dieter his number. He smiles to reveal a mouth full of gold teeth. A PRISON GUARD calls out. PRISON GUARD Dieter, you got a visitor. Somebody must love you a whole lot to come all the way out here. DIETER (wistful) Gena? INT. PRISON - VISITOR'S AREA

Dieter, in leg irons, is led into a room where prisoners are meeting with their families. DICK VAN PATTEN is waiting for him. DIETER Dick! Dieter and Dick sit across from each other. DICK Dieter, what have they done to you? DIETER I can't stand for you to see me like this, Dick. Please go away. DICK But Dieter, I'm here for you. always be here for you. I'll

DIETER It's over, Dick. But remember, we'll always have Malta. DICK One last kiss?

DIETER (finally) All right. Dick gives Dieter a big open-mouth kiss. prisoners CHEERS. Wooooo! ROOM Yeah! Ruf! The whole room of

PRISONER "Eight Is Enough" for me, man! INT. DIETER'S CELL

The guard throws him back in and closes the cell. Dieter waits until the guard is gone and turns around. He opens his mouth and PULLS OUT A KEY that Dick passed to him. DIETER (sotto) Thank you, Dick van Patten. EXT. PRISON YARD - NIGHT

Dieter creeps along the wall, periodically dodging a SPOTLIGHT that sweeps across. VOICE (O.S.) (whisper) Psssst! It is a prisoner named JASPER, also making a break. JASPER I'm going too, man. A SPOTLIGHT comes near. Across the yard a GUARD carrying a MACHINE GUN leads a pack of DOGS. Dieter has to stifle a tear. JASPER What's the matter, man, you scared? DIETER No, it just reminds me so much of home. JASPER Here, you'll need these. biscuits. Dog

Jasper hands him a package of bone-shaped biscuits labeled "DOG BISCUITS". JASPER Good luck, man. DIETER Let us do this thing. EXT. PRISON WALLS - NIGHT

Suddenly, the foggy stillness is SHATTERED by ALARMS and SPOTLIGHTS. The prison awakens immediately, dogs barking, guards yelling, etc. We see a shadowy figure run into the night. It is Jasper. He stays low to the ground, moving like a wild cat. A moment later we see the silhouette of Dieter, tip-toeing through the fields upright like an English dandy. EXT. FIELD - NIGHT

Dieter runs into the woods, passing a sign that says "SNAKE FOREST". EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Various shots -- feet running, men with guns, dogs. Dieter runs as fast as he can through the dark woods. The dogs are gaining on him. GUARDS He's this way! Come on! etc.

Still running, the dogs even closer. Dieter is getting winded. The dogs can smell the kill. Finally Dieter stops in a patch of moonlight. He is doubled-over, panting. He can hear BARKING coming closer. Dieter quickly pulls out the bone-shaped dog biscuits that Jasper gave him. He looks in the direction of the barking, then POPS THE BOG BISCUITS IN HIS MOUTH. His energy renewed, Dieter takes off running again. EXT. WOODS - CREEK - NIGHT The

The SHERIFF, GUARDS, and DOGHANDLERS come to a creek. dogs sniff around, but they've lost the trail. DOG HANDLER Looks like we lost 'em.

SHERIFF Don't worry, they won't get far. Remember, those woods are filled with snakes. EXT. WOODS - DIETER RUNNING - NIGHT

Dieter runs right by a giant RATTLESNAKE which rattles threateningly. EXT. ABANDONED SHED - WOODS - NIGHT

The posse has found something. The dogs are going crazy and flashlights play over the old shed. SHERIFF Well, let's have a look. They pull open the door of the shed. Inside is Jasper -DEAD. A huge snake hangs off his face. It is horrifying. Billy the deputy runs in. BILLY Sheriff, we just got a report -(noticing the body) Oh, mommy! Billy doubles over and VOMITS. SHERIFF That's alright, son, it's only natural. BILLY (wiping his mouth off) I'm sorry, Sheriff. (looking at it again) Oh God! He doubles over and VOMITS again, then runs out. SHERIFF (regarding the corpse) Poor bastard. What more do we have to do? We warn 'em about the snakes. Every night, 'don't try to escape, y'all, the woods are filled with snakes.' Hell, we even named the place Snake Forest. I guess that German fella probably got himself bit to death by now.

EXT.

WOODS - CLEARING - NIGHT

Dieter is curled up asleep, using a COILED SNAKE as a pillow. Different varieties of snakes crawl all over him. He has a contented smile on his face. INT. NEWSCAST (ON TELEVISION)

The same vacant anchor people as before. MALE ANCHOR An update tonight on the story of Dieter, the German talk show host arrested yesterday on charges of trespassing and bribery. It seems he led a daring prison break and is now on the run. Police do consider him dangerous. FEMALE ANCHOR Now is he the one that fucked a raccoon, Frank? MALE ANCHOR That's right, Lisa. Now, on to sports with Mister Z! INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - MORNING

Pull back to see Bob and Carol watching the news on TV. CAROL Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. You don't think he's guilty, do you, Bob? BOB Dieter? Trespassing, bribery? Not in a million years. (beat) That part about the raccoon does ring true, though. INT. TRUCKSTOP - DAY

Pan across a bunch of down and dirty TRUCKERS eating chili and burgers at a grungy truck stop. A lot of them are reading newspapers with Dieter's picture on the front and headlines like "DIETER ESCAPES". "ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS OUTRAGED". "RACCOON SEEKS COUNSELING". The camera reaches Dieter. He sits alone in a booth.

WAITRESS What can I get you? DIETER Do you have marzipan? WAITRESS I did, but the penicillin worked a charm! Ha-ha-ha! DIETER I'll just have Jello. Jello is both a liquid and a solid. I don't really like the way it tastes, but philosophically it pleases me. WAITRESS You look familiar. Do I know you? People are staring at Dieter. Everywhere he looks there is a newspaper with his photo on it. WAITRESS I know! Did you used to play keyboards for a Flock of Seagulls? DIETER No, but I made the siren sound on "Riding On the Metro". Is there a phone here? WAITRESS Yeah, there's a payphone in the back. You need some change? Yes. DIETER Do you take Eurodollars?

The entire truck stop goes DEAD SILENT. All talking and eating ceases as they stare at Dieter again. DIETER What? It is the official currency of the newly-formed European Union. A TRUCKER stands up, holding a paper with Dieter's picture. TRUCKER Hey, you're that German guy who's wanted for trespassing, bribery, escaping from prison, and fucking a

raccoon! The truck stop erupts. threateningly. Mean guys stand up and look at Dieter

DIETER No, no, I'm not German, I'm Pennsylvania Dutch. (takes the picture) That's not me. See, he is frowning, whereas I am smiling. (big fake grin) Notice the smiling. Smiling. TRUCKER I guess you're right. That guy in the picture is frowning. Sorry, mister. The place settles down. Everybody goes back to their food.

WAITRESS Don't worry about Phil, the medication makes him short-tempered. (sneezes) Ahhhh-chooo! DIETER Gesundheit. Every trucker in the place swivels to look at Dieter. TRUCKER Get him! EXT. TRUCK STOP - DAY Beat.

Dieter bolts out of the truck stop. A second later, a small mob of truckers and waitress chases after him. Dieter runs across a concrete parking lot filled with eighteen wheelers. Dieter loses the mob by running through the cabs of the trucks, one after another. Finally he lands in one with the keys in the ignition. INT. EIGHTEEN WHEELER - DAY Convoy A voice

MUSIC:

Dieter is at the wheel of a giant eighteen wheeler. comes over the CB.

CB VOICE Hey there, good buddy, this is Bluebeard. What's your handle? DIETER Excuse me? CB VOICE What's your handle, copy? you want to be called? What do

DIETER Oh. I think I shall be called 'Exclamation Point.' I've always wanted punctuational nomenclature. CB VOICE How about 'Ducky'? DIETER Ducky's good. CB VOICE Ducky, you got a bear southbound at marker 445, copy? DIETER (on radio) 10-4, good buddy. I'm riding the double-nickel but I'll keep my marbles peeled for a smokey on my backdoor, roger. This is Ducky, over and out. Dieter looks around and puts on a "CAT" hat. DIETER I am like BJ without his Bear. INT. DARYL'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Daryl is sitting in squalor, drinking from a fifth of whiskey and a milk carton. The BELL rings. DARYL I'm not home! VOICE (O.S.) I need something notarized. Daryl's eyes light up.

DARYL Hot damn, Uncle Sam! (calling out) Um, there's a ten -- twenty dollar night fee. VOICE (O.S.) Fine. DARYL Thank you, Jesus. Daryl opens the door to reveal -- Hasselhoff. EXT. DARYL'S PLACE - DAY

Dieter pulls up to Daryl's in the eighteen wheeler. He opens the door to get out and falls five feet to the ground. He goes to the front door. DIETER (shouting) Daryl! Daryl! (knocks loudly) Daryl, you were right. I am as ashamed as the day I was born. He tries the door. INT. It is open.

DARYL'S PLACE - DAY The house is empty, strangely quiet. DIETER Daryl?

Dieter enters.

He looks around. Nothing. Then he sees a videotape sitting on the table with a Post-It that says "DIETER". He takes the tape and puts it in the VCR. Daryl appears onscreen in a shaky, homemade video. DARYL (on videotape) Dieter, if you're watching this tape now, it means I'm dead. (beat) Oh man, I don't want to be dead! This sucks. Dead, I mean that's permanent, you know? There's so many things I wanted to do. I've never been hang gliding. I've never been with two women at once. Aw, I

can't believe I'm dead! (collecting himself) I thought something like this might happen if I got too close to Klaus, that's why I made this tape. (breaking again) I can't believe I'm sitting here talking to you, but I'm really dead. It's freaking me out. Jeez. (collecting himself) Alright. I'm okay. Look, I can't prove who took Klaus, but I do know this: the way to a monkey is through his stomach. Follow the food and you'll find Klaus. Good luck. (weeping) Well partner, I guess this is good-bye. I'll see you up in heaven. I can't believe it, I'm dead! EXT. PET CEMETERY - DAY

Pan across signs for different sections of the cemetery: "BIRDS," "CATS," "FISH," then "MONKEYS," Daryl's funeral is in progress. Dieter is there with the Sheeder family, Gena and DARYL'S PARENTS. PREACHER And so we bury Daryl today, according to his last wishes, among the very monkeys that he loved so dearly. Now, here to speak a few words about our loss, is Daryl's best friend. Dieter looks all around for this person, then realizes that everyone is staring at him. Gena prods him and he reluctantly steps up. DIETER It times of bereavement I turn, of course, to Nietzsche, who asked 'What is death but the ultimate aloneness?' Our existence here on earth is essentially a lonely one. No person can truly know another. Love is an illusion built on fear. There is no soul, there is no heaven and hell, there is only a deep and utter aloneness.

Everyone is incredibly depressed. Daryl's mother bursts out crying. His father is pissed. Gena slides up beside Dieter. GENA (whispering) Would it kill you to say something nice for once? DIETER (whispering) I hardly knew him. GENA (whispering) Don't be an asshole. nice. She sits down.

Say something

Dieter turns to the gathering again.

DIETER Lastly, a personal word. Daryl was... (struggling) I remember one time we... (struggling) Daryl was the kind of guy... (blurting it out) He had nice shirts! Everyone nods in agreement, a little touched. starts to cry again. DARYL'S MOTHER (crying) It's true. He did have nice shirts. DIETER Also, Daryl was... my friend. Everyone is crying. EXT. JUNGLE FEVER MONKEY SUPPLY STORE - DAY Daryl's mother

People exit the store carrying cute monkey items -- a little tarzan suit, a little car, etc. Pan to reveal Dieter and Gena sitting inside her convertible, watching the store through binoculars. DIETER Look at all those people shopping for their monkeys. Why have I had

my monkey stolen and not them? now Daryl is gone and it is my fault. Why me? Why me? (to Gena) Slap me, I am hysterical. Gena slaps him. DIETER Thank you.

And

From their POV we see close-ups of several customers leaving the store. They all carry bags of food that say "MONKEY CHOW". GENA Does Klaus eat Monkey Chow? DIETER Also bananas, sushi, his own feces. But mostly Monkey Chow. GENA There must be hundreds of stores in LA that sell Monkey Chow. How can we tell which is the right one? DIETER I'll know. From Dieter's POV we see the front of the monkey supply store. He looks at a few people, then looks to the left. Next door is a TRIPLE-X PORNO store. He drifts back to the right and then SNAPS to the left to see PETE coming out of the porno store. DIETER Look over there. The fat man. Dieter zooms in on Pete, who is carrying bags. DIETER He is carrying monkey chow and pornographic videos. Let's get him! Dieter jump out of the car and rushes toward the guy. GENA (following) Dieter, wait! Dieter runs across the street, jumps on the hood of a car,

flies through the air and tackles Pete from behind prowrestling style, spilling the bags everywhere. PETE Owww! Harsh, dude! (noticing Dieter) What are you? Gena runs up. Dieter grabs a video.

DIETER (to Gena) World's Biggest Gang-Bang #12? is Klaus's favorite! (to Pete) Take me to my monkey! INT. SOUND PROOF ROOM - WAREHOUSE

This

Dieter and Gena burst in. Klaus!?

Pete stumbles after them.

DIETER But the room is totally empty. Everything has been cleared out, the TV, mattress, everything. Pete is stunned. GENA What the hell is going on? Gena grabs Pete and shoves him against the wall. little bottle of Binaca from her purse. GENA You better start telling the truth or you're gonna get maced. PETE That's not mace, it's Binaca. Gena sprays him in the eyes with the Binaca. horribly. Pete clutches at his eyes. PETE Oww! I swear he was here when I left, man. I swear! I'm telling the truth. DIETER If you don't tell me everything I want to know, I will be forced to torture you. And you should know, I It stings She takes a

am fully accredited in torture. PETE Don't hurt me, man. everything. DIETER (disappointed) Are you sure? PETE Look man, I needed the money. It was nothing personal. I didn't know it was your monkey. GENA Why did you need money so bad? Drugs? PETE No, man, student loans. lay off me. They won't I'll tell you

GENA Oh come on, I had student loans, too. I went to college. PETE For eleven years? You do the math, man, I'm screwed. I got started stealing this lady's poodle for a hundred bucks. It was a custody thing. Then, I don't know, one thing led to another. (breaking down) I'm so sorry. That little monkey, man, he's a great dude. DIETER Silence! Your sorrow bores me. Tell me, who do you work for? PETE I don't know. I've never seen the guy's face and he always disguises his voice. I got my checks in the mail with no return address. The dude's a total mysterioso. I do know this. He's for real, man. He's scary. He said... DIETER

'

Yes?

What did he say?

PETE He said he was going to kill your monkey. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

Dieter walks along the highway, cars racing by. MUSIC: sad version of "Nobody Walks in LA" DIETER (V.O.) LA is a lonely town when you are the only German boy around. There is a word to describe what I felt. It is "bedauernaufverlustderabschminkewusdergluckenwunschaufamericanischfamilie"... INT. ICE SKATING RINK - DAY

Dieter and Gena teach Tyler how to ice skate. DIETER (V.O.) ... which, roughly translated, means 'a feeling of sorrow at the loss of one's monkey mixed with the comfort of finding one's American family.' What can I say? German is a very precise language. A BULLY comes by and knocks Tyler down. him into the boards -- WHACK! EXT. SHEEDER YARD - DAY Dieter Dieter cross-checks

Dieter and Gump in swimsuits play on a Slip N' Slide. pulls out a bottle of fake blood. DIETER (V.O.) Like Gena says, 'families are like asshole, everybody's got one.' Cut to later: Gump sliding on 'bloody' Slip N' Slide, laughing. Carol sees him and faints. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT

The whole family, Dieter, and Gena are gathered watching The Lion King. Pan across to see everyone laughing; arrive at Dieter who is horrified.

DIETER (V.O.) For the first time in my life I had one -- a family that is. I've had an asshole for quite a while. Later. Everyone is watching Titanic. Pan across the whole family, everyone in tears; arrive on Dieter, who is laughing his head off. DIETER (V.O.) On the outside I seemed to be doing better, but inside it was a classic case of bedauernaufverlustderabschminkewusdergluckenwunschaufamericanischfamilie... EXT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - NIGHT

A tattered and yellowed missing monkey flyer with Klaus's picture on it, is torn off a tree by the wind and carried into the gutter. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT

Dieter is playing Pictionary with the kids. They all sit on the floor on their sleeping bags, etc. Gump sits over to one side, in his own world. Tyler is drawing while the others guess. Titanic! FAMILY It's Titanic!

The girls squeal and giggle. Bob Junior enters on his way upstairs. He holds a duffel bag, which is WRIGGLING. TYLER What's in the bag? Nothing. BOB JUNIOR Just my... snake!

Bob Junior pulls out a really big boa, which wraps around his arm and hisses. Tyler screams. BOB JUNIOR (to Dieter) What's the matter, Nancy Boy, scared? DIETER Not at all, actually. (takes snake) I love snakes.

BOB JUNIOR You do? (thrown) Well, that's cool, I guess. (beat) Hey, did you know you look like a Ninja? DIETER No, but I have been told I have nice nun-chucks. TYLER Dieter, it's your turn. Dieter takes a card, reads it, considers it, then starts drawing. GIRLS C'mon, let us see. Dieter shields his drawing from view, concentrating heavily. GIRLS (trying to look) What is it? Finally, he adds a few more strokes and is done. He shows it to the girls. It is a terrifying portrait of a man, sort of like Edvard Munch's The Scream. DIETER Well? (beat) It is Schadenfreude. TYLER What? DIETER Schadenfreude -- a hideous glee in someone else's misfortune. Suddenly, one of the girls wrinkles up her nose. Ewww! TYLER Somebody farted!

BOB JR. I bet it was Dieter!

DIETER He who schmelt it, dealt it. Gump raises his hand. GUMP Gump farted! Carol and Gena watch from the kitchen. CAROL It looks like Dieter is doing a lot better. GENA Yeah, I think he's really come to accept that Klaus isn't coming back. CLOSE-UP - KLAUS He is on his back, arms and legs straight out, not moving at all. Pull back to see we are in -INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - BEDROOM

Klaus is in the middle of the bed. He definitely looks dead. But then, a paw twitches. And a foot. Then his tail. Klaus is alive. Klaus sits up. He is very groggy. From his POV we see the room which is blurry. In the background we can see David Hasselhoff watching re-runs of himself. Klaus looks around. He see Hasselhoff's jacket laying on the bed. He goes over to it and rifles through it, coming up with Hasselhoff's cell phone. Klaus turns the phone on. He pushes the button with his little hands and cycles through Hasselhoff's preset numbers: "BAYWATCH PRODUCTION OFFICE," GREENBLATT'S DELI," "MOM and then "DIETER". Klaus presses SEND. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT

The PHONE RINGS. TYLER I'll get it. I bet that's Eric Taylor! (answering phone) Hello? Dieter, it's for you.

DIETER (whispering) Who is it? TYLER (whispering) I don't know! DIETER (whispering) Is it a boy or a girl? TYLER (whispering) I can't tell. Take it! She hand Dieter the phone, giggling. DIETER This is Dieter. (realizing) Klaus! Klaus is it really you? (shouting) It's Klaus! He's alive! My little hairy friend is alive! Carol and Gena rush in. the phone. The whole family is gathered around

DIETER (into phone) Klaus, are you okay? Where are you Klaus? (beat) Klaus? Are you there? Klaus? (hangs up) He's gone. BOB What did he say? DIETER He did not say anything. monkey. BOB Oh right. GENA I'll call the police, maybe we can trace the call. He is a

BOB If it's a cell phone we can triangulate the signal and pinpoint the source. TYLER Why don't you just *69 him? Beat. EVERYONE Yeah, good idea. Do that. Dieter picks up the phone. He pauses, takes a deep breath. CLOSE-UP: He presses "*", "6", and finally, "9". INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - DAY

Hasselhoff's cell phone RINGS. Klaus pretends to be sleeping. The phone RINGS again. He comes in, looks at Klaus, and answers the phone. DAVID HASSELHOFF Hasselhoff residence. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE (SPLIT SCREEN)

Dieter hangs up quickly. Hasselhoff ponders, then pushes *69 himself. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE DIETER (answering phone) This is Dieter. INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF HASSELHOFF Dieter! He hangs up quickly. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE

Dieter, intrigued, dials *69 again. INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF

Hasselhoff answers in a fake voice.

HASSELHOFF Smith residence, John speaking. DIETER Sorry, wrong number. Hasselhoff hangs up and grins evilly. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE He *69s again.

Dieter seems confused, hangs up. INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF HASSELHOFF (off guard) Hasselhoff residence. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE DIETER HASSELHOFF! BLACK LIMO

Jigsaw puzzle pieces fall into frame. over one by one, creating a picture.

They begin to turn

DIETER (V.O.) Suddenly all the pieces fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle. And the picture on that puzzle was not a kitten playing with a ball of yarn or the Grand Canyon, it was David Hasselhoff. The puzzle pieces all come together to form a picture of Hasselhoff. DIETER (V.O.) We started planning our attack immediately. INT. BOB JUNIOR'S ROOM

Bob Junior grabs a printout from the computer and rushes downstairs. DIETER Bob Junior got us plans to Hasselhoff's mansion off the Internet...

INT.

KITCHEN

Carol cooks huge pots of food, dumping a bottle of her pills into each one. DIETER (V.O.) Carol prepared field rations... INT. SHEEDER'S GARAGE

Dieter, wearing protective goggle, is drilling, sanding, shaping chicken wire, etc. DIETER (V.O.) And I made a map of Chateau Hasselhoff in the only way a German can make a map -- precisely. Dieter paints an eyebrow on a miniature Hasselhoff and places it on the 3-D map -- now complete and exquisitely laid out, like a miniature train layout. INT. ROTARIAN HALL

The Rotary Club is talking about new business and calls on Bob. DIETER (V.O.) Bob decided we needed reinforcements. Bob stands. BOB Under new business, I move that we help out our fellow Rotarian, Dieter, who is here from Germany. He would like us to participate in an armed assault on the house of actor David Hasselhoff to rescue his kidnapped monkey. PRESIDENT Is there a second on the motion? ROTARIAN Wait a minute, how do we know he's a Rotarian? Dieter stands.

DIETER (chanting) Eye of newt... The Rotarians stand and answer as one. ROTARIANS ... And blood of frog. DIETER What do you do when you sit on a log? DIETER/ROTARIANS (rotating in place) Rotate! Rotate! Rotate! ROTARIAN He is a Rotarian. A CHEER goes up. ANGLE - A GUN RACK Rifles marked for "For Rotarian Use Only". quickly grab rifles, one after another. MUSIC: EXT. snare drum beat The Rotarians

BEACH - DAWN

As dawn breaks we see a couple of landing boats approaching the beach under Hasselhoff's mansion. INT. BOAT

Bob, Dieter and Gena in front of a dozen Rotarians, dressed in helmets and carrying guns. A CHAPLAIN is praying. Every once in a while a guy PUKES over the side. BOB Hasselhoff has state of the art security. The beach is mined, he has razor wire here, here and here, and machine gun nests here and up here. He knows we're coming, so we have to hit that beach high and hard. Ready Rotarians? ROTARIANS Ready, sir!

EXT.

CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - DAY

An ALARM goes off. Giant military-type guns are trained out to the sea from hidden pillboxes. Walls of sandbags guard the pool house. Hasselhoff's security men take positions. EXT. BEACH - DAY

The first landing boat hits the beach. The door pops down. The ROTARIANS pour out. Immediately, several of them fall, raked by gunfire from the cliffs. The Rotarians storm the beach, taking heavy casualties. This is shot in the hand-held, gruesome style of "Saving Private Ryan", with a guy holding his own arm, etc. EXT. CLIFFSIDE - DAY

Dieter, Bob, and Gena have established a precarious position mid-way up the cliff. They are pinned down by withering fire from a dug-in machine gun nest above. BOB If we don't take out those 88s up there, we'll all be buried on this beach. Cover me. Bob charges towards the machine gun nest carrying two large carbines. He takes a bullet in the shoulder and keeps on going. He reaches the nest and throws a grenade in. Two bodies are blown out in the explosion. A cheer goes up as Rotarians storm up the path. BOB You're all clear. He waves Gena and Dieter forward and they run up towards the house. EXT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - DAY

The defense is in chaos. Bodies lie everywhere. People are running backwards, abandoning their posts. Then, everything is still, empty. Dieter and Gena approach from the cliff. INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - VARIOUS ROOMS - DAY

Dieter and Gena search through the mansion. They both carry guns and they give each other silent commando-style hand signals. Dieter thinks he see Hasselhoff. He fires wildly, shattering glass everywhere. Gena comes running.

GENA Did you get him? DIETER No, but I completely destroyed this life-size cardboard cut-out. Dieter holds up a tattered Baywatch promotional standee. Shhh! GENA Listen!

Very faintly you can hear... SCREECHING. DIETER Klaus! They run upstairs. INT. HASSELHOFF'S MANSION - STUDY - DAY

Dieter and Gena burst into a study that is packed with Hasselhoff memorabilia. Klaus sits on top of Hasselhoff, who is bound and gagged. GENA Oh my God, Klaus captured David! DIETER Klaus must have distracted him, then taken away his gun, then tricked him into tying himself up! Klaus screeches and jumps up and down, trying to warn them. Hasselhoff grunts and jerks his head toward the closet. GENA David, I trusted you. When you were on Celebrity Jeopardy you donated your winnings to the Humane Society. I thought you were a good person. Hasselhoff is grunting, like he's trying to tell Dieter something. VOICE (O.S.) David is a good person. Dieter and Gena turn to see ANOTHER HASSELHOFF, an exact twin. He holds a gun on them. DIETER

(extreme close-up) HASSELHOFF! (turns) UNT HASSELHOFF! GENA What's going on? EVIL HASSELHOFF I'm not David. I'm Maurice. Maurice Hasselhoff. GENA I never knew David had a twin brother, much less an evil twin brother. You two look exactly alike. MAURICE HASSELHOFF I know that. Do you have any idea what it's like being the brother of a superstar? Can you imagine the pain every Christmas? David is so successful. David is such a talented actor. David has such a great singing career -- at least in Europe. David Hasselhoff tries to argue through the gag. DAVID HASSELHOFF (muffled) Mmmm hmmmm grrrmm! MAURICE HASSELHOFF Shut up, David! Just shut up! Why won't you ever let me talk? (to Dieter and Gena) I've been in therapy fifteen years. I even formed a support group. Me, Tito, Frank Stallone, a couple of the Baldwins. It helps, but it's not enough! DIETER You know, a lot of people said Tito really had a better sense of rhythm. MAURICE HASSELHOFF I'm no Tito! For years I've played second fiddle to David, and just when my plan to take over his life

started working, you had to come along with your stupid monkey and beat Baywatch in the ratings. Well, I don't want to take over a secondrated show. As soon as I get rid of you, Baywatch will be number one around the world and I'll be the good brother. I'll be the successful brother. I'll be David Hasselhoff. INT. HASSELHOFF'S MANSION - ATTIC - LATER

Dieter and David Hasselhoff are handcuffed back-to-back. Klaus is in the corner. Maurice Hasselhoff holds a gun on Gena and a bomb with an LED timer. DAVID HASSELHOFF You'll never get away with this, Maurice. MAURICE HASSELHOFF Oh, won't I? If there's anything left of you after the explosion, I'll tell them you were me. I can see the headlines now: "Maurice Hasselhoff dies saving brother from insane fan". DAVID HASSELHOFF Actually, it would say "Brother dies saving David Hasselhoff from insane fan". DIETER Did you two ever think of doing a Doublemint commercial? (singing) DOUBLE YOUR FLAVOR, DOUBLE YOUR FUN -MAURICE HASSELHOFF Shut up, you German twit! I never wanted the monkey or the ransom money. I wanted you, and you fell right into my trap. Now I'll kill two birds with one... bomb. Maurice Hasselhoff sets the bomb for two minutes and puts it down. MAURICE HASSELHOFF

(to Gena) You're coming with me. DAVID HASSELHOFF You always were a cheater, Maurice. MAURICE HASSELHOFF Shut up, David! You're not the boss of me anymore. (to Gena) Come on. Maurice Hasselhoff exits, pulling Gena with him. Dieter is left handcuffed to David Hasselhoff, time running out. DIETER Any ideas, Hasselhoff? DAVID HASSELHOFF In the fifth season of Baywatch we had a situation just like this. DIETER What did you do? DAVID HASSELHOFF I don't know, my stunt double took care of it. Klaus SCREECHES. the keys. They look over to see that he is holding

DIETER (realizing) Klaus? Bring me the keys, Klaus. The timer is down to one minute. DIETER Klaus it is wonderful to see you again. Now bring me the keys. Klaus screeches and moves away from the keys. down to 45 seconds. DIETER Klaus, you are behaving like... well, like a monkey. ANGLE ON cheesy drama shots of Hasselhoff's sweaty brow. DAVID HASSELHOFF The timer is

(strained) We're running... out of... time! INT./ EXT. MAURICE HASSELHOFF'S CAR - DRIVING Maurice holds the

Gena is driving the Mercedes convertible. gun on her.

MAURICE HASSELHOFF (practicing speech) 'First of all, I'd like to thank Maurice my brother, without whose sacrifice, I'd not be here today.' GENA Will you get over it? You will never win the Academy Award. MAURICE HASSELHOFF Everyone's going to believe I'm the real David Hasselhoff. GENA Exactly. MAURICE HASSELHOFF Just drive! I'm late for an interview with Mary Hart. INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - ATTIC Dieter and Hasselhoff are

The timer is down to 30 seconds. frantic.

DIETER Please, Klaus. Klausy-wausy, bring the keys to Daddy? Klaus SCREECHES. DAVID HASSELHOFF Quiet! I think he's trying to say something. DIETER You understand monkey talk, Hasselhoff? DAVID HASSELHOFF In the eighth season of Baywatch, episode 10, a Panamanian ship crashed on the beach, releasing wild

monkeys infected with a mysterious virus. I've always been good at languages and I picked up some of the basics on set. (to Klaus) Eeeeeei chee-chee? KLAUS (pointing to Dieter) Chee ree-ree-ree! DAVID HASSELHOFF (translating) He says that you've been taking him for granted. DIETER That's ridiculous. Klaus very much. I care about

HASSELHOFF (translating for Klaus) Whoo-whoo creeeee! Eeeeee! KLAUS Ah-ah-ah-ah! Eeeek! DAVID HASSELHOFF This is difficult to translate. (translating for Dieter) Klaus says that you've sublimated your hostility towards him so that it only appears in thinly-disguised passive-aggressive outlets. KLAUS Cree-ee-ee! DAVID HASSELHOFF Furthermore, Klaus feels that you've objectified him in terms of his 'monkeyness' and that you ignore the other aspects of his personality. KLAUS Eeeee-eeee! DAVID HASSELHOFF Also, you never take him to the toy store anymore. DIETER

Klaus, you are my best friend in the world and I have treated you badly. I am sorry. But we need your help, Klaus. What can I do? What do you want? KLAUS Chee-a-ree ree-ree chee. Freedom. DAVID HASSELHOFF Klaus wants his freedom.

DIETER Klaus, just get us out of here and you can choose your destiny. You don't have to do the show anymore. You don't have to live with me anymore. You are a free monkey. Klaus brings the keys over. He and Dieter share a moment. Klaus unlocks the handcuffs. Hasselhoff grabs the bomb. DAVID HASSELHOFF I've only got seconds to dispose of this ticking bomb. (beat) I find that exhilarating. Hasselhoff runs out of the room with the bomb. EXT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - BACKYARD - DAY

Hasselhoff runs with the bomb in SLO-MO. As he runs, he tears off his clothes to reveal his Baywatch lifeguard uniform. Suddenly, two BAYWATCH BABES appear beside him, also in red swimsuits. Hasselhoff reaches the edge of the cliff and tosses the bomb as far as he can. It sail into the ocean and EXPLODES, creating a big geyser. The girls hang on Hasselhoff as Dieter runs up, carrying Klaus. DAVID HASSELHOFF I hope that bomb didn't harm any of the marine life. DIETER Mein gotten heimel! Gena is still in the clutches of the ersatz Hasselhoff! DAVID HASSELHOFF

You'll need a car. mine. EXT.

Borrow one of

CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - GARAGE - DAY

Hasselhoff stands in front of his five car garage with Dieter and Klaus. DAVID HASSELHOFF I haven't driven it in ten or fifteen years, but it's the fastest thing on the road. Hasselhoff opens the garage door to reveal -- KITT, his car from the Knight Rider television series. The car speaks with the same whiny voice it had on TV. KITT (V.O.) Oh thank God, I thought I'd never see sunlight again. Are we back on the air? DAVID HASSELHOFF KITT, I want you to help out these friends of mine. (to Dieter) I'll contact the proper authorities. Good luck, Dieter. EXT. ROAD - DAY

KITT comes into view over the horizon, heading straight for the camera. MUSIC: INT. Knight Rider theme

KITT- DRIVING The Mercedes

Dieter drives with Klaus in the passenger seat. is nowhere in sight. DIETER Do you see them, Klaus? catch up. KITT (V.O.) (very whiny) Michael? (beat) Michael? DIETER We'll never

Shut up, you annoying talking automobile. KITT (V.O.) Listen, don't get short with me, okay? I'm the only car to have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Did you know that? Are you listening, Michael? DIETER I am not Michael. My name is Dieter.

KITT (V.O.) Whatever. Listen, do you want me to find their car on radar? I can do that you know. DIETER Yes, yes, do it. ANGLE ON KITT'S 80'S HIGH TECH DASHBOARD. Flashing lights and LEDs everywhere. A flashing DOT appears on a map of the city. INT./ EXT. KITT - DRIVING

Dieter drives anxiously as KITT drones on. KITT (V.O.) I mean, does anyone even know what kind of car Ally McBeal drives? I think not. Dieter misses a turn and has to go back. KITT (V.O.) Turn right. Turn right! Jesus, you're a horrible driver. Dieter is about to slam into a truck. grabs the wheel. Klaus, no! Klaus SCREECHES and

DIETER Don't touch the wheel!

Klaus jerks the wheel and the car goes around the truck just in time. DIETER Klaus, where did you learn that?

INT./ EXT.

MAURICE HASSELHOFF'S CAR - DRIVING

The Mercedes races down the street. Suddenly, behind them, KITT whips around a corner on three tires and gets right behind them. As KITT passes the camera we can see quite clearly that KLAUS IS DRIVING. INT. KITT - DRIVING Klaus is driving like

Dieter and Klaus have switched places. a race car driver. DIETER (emotional) My Klaus has become a man. INT.

MAURICE HASSELHOFF'S CAR - DRIVING He

Maurice Hasselhoff looks back to see KITT on his tail. does a double take and sees that it's Klaus. MAURICE HASSELHOFF Dammit! I knew I should have killed that monkey when I had the chance. Faster! INT./ EXT. BOTH CARS - DRIVING DUEL

KITT chases the Mercedes through the streets of LA in a good old-fashioned car chase, with scrapes, jumps, and metal carnage. Think Bullit, or The French Connection, except with a monkey driving one of the cars. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The two cars are now almost side by side on the highway, racing by the traffic in the emergency lanes. INT./ EXT. KITT - DRIVING

KITT (V.O.) And I don't know why they made such a big deal about Ellen. I came out of the closet years ago. I was the first gay car on television, you know. SHOTS bounce off the hood. KITT (V.O.) Oh shit!

INT.

MAURICE HASSELHOFF'S CAR - DRIVING

Maurice turns and fires at KITT again. Gena notices a little warning sticker next to a switch on the dash. It says something like "WARNING - AIRBAGS CAN BE DANGEROUS TO CHILDREN" and then "AIRBAG - ON/OFF". Gena nudges the switch with her knee, turning it OFF. Gena aims straight for a bunch of barrels set up at an exit. At the last minute, Maurice Hasselhoff looks around and notices. MAURICE HASSELHOFF What the -EXT. HIGHWAY

The Mercedes crashes into the barrels at full force. The impact is huge, crushing the barrels and carrying the car another hundred feet. The car is mangled. KITT screeches to a stop. KITT (V.O.) See, I told you there would be an accident. The speed limit is -Dieter smashes the KITT interface on the dash with his foot, repeatedly. It warbles, sparks, and blows up. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Dieter gets out of the car slowly, carrying Klaus. Cars have stopped. A small crowd has gathered, keeping its distance from the car. Dieter walks toward it, not much hope. Nothing could have survived. Then, finally, Gena gets out of the car. from the crowd. DIETER Gena! They run towards each other and meet in a hug, Klaus caught between them. He SCREECHES. They let him get some air and LAUGH. As they walk away from the car, it EXPLODES behind them. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY - LATER There is a CHEER

A little time has passed. Emergency vehicles and the press have arrived and a larger crowd watches. The usual news helicopters are overhead. A police car screeches to a halt

and David Hasselhoff gets out.

The crowd applauds.

DAVID HASSELHOFF (waving) Thank you. Thanks. (to Dieter and Gena) Is everyone all right? DIETER Yes, Hasselhoff, thank you. DAVID HASSELHOFF What about my brother? GENA I'm sorry, David, he's dead. DAVID HASSELHOFF And the Mercedes? GENA It's totaled. Hasselhoff has to stifle back his tears. DAVID HASSELHOFF I'll miss that car. (to crowd) I'd like to make an announcement. On behalf of the entire Baywatch family, I apologize to the good citizens of Los Angeles for the behavior of my brother. I'd also like to announce that Baywatch Nights is going into daily syndication. The crowd goes crazy, applauding and cheering. MONTAGE - DIETER ON THE COVER OF MAGAZINES We see Dieter on the cover of People, USA Today, Time, etc. with "DIETER IS A HERO" type headlines. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY

Pull back to see Dieter holding the magazine covers in Bob Junior's room. Bob Junior is on the computer. DIETER Bob Junior, where did you get these fake magazine covers?

BOB JUNIOR I made them on the computer with Photoshop. I thought you might keep them as souvenirs. DIETER Do I detect a touch of sentiment? DOD JUNIOR (embarrassed) No. (beat) What's 'sentiment' mean? INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Dieter comes downstairs with his suitcase packed. The family is waiting to say good-bye. Gena and Klaus are also there. Dieter looks down to check his bag. DIETER Well Klaus, are you ready to go? (beat) Klaus? Dieter looks up at Klaus and realizes something's up. KLAUS (sadly) Eeee. DIETER Klaus, after all we've been through, you still won't come with me? BOB That's ridiculous, Dieter, of course he's going with you. DIETER No, I promised Klaus his freedom. I promised him he could choose. So, Klaus, now you must choose. Come back to Germany with me, or stay here with Gena. Klaus looks between Gena and Dieter with as much drama as you can get out of a monkey. He is clearly torn. finally, he runs over and jumps into GENA'S ARMS. DIETER

Good-bye friend, and good luck. will miss you, you silly bitch.

The family crowds around Dieter, hugging him sloppily, shaking hands, intruding on his personal space in general. Dieter doesn't mind. CAROL Dieter, I made you some chocolate chip cookies for the trip. I'm so upset I nibbled on them a tiny bit, there's still a couple left. Carol has regained all her weight and more. BOB JUNIOR (mumbling, trying not to cry) Sucks. This is bullshit. TYLER Don't worry, Dieter, we're going to take really good care of Klaus. Tyler takes Klaus. Dieter has a private moment with Gena.

DIETER Good-bye, Gena. Thank you for showing me your world. GENA (crying) Good-bye, Dieter. Thank you for showing my your heart. Dieter kisses Gena on the cheek. looks at everyone. DIETER Good-bye... family. Dieter leaves, shutting the door softly. EXT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY He He goes over to the door

Dieter walks out of the house towards a waiting cab. looks around at everything he's leaving. DIETER Good-bye. Good-bye suburb. Goodbye automated sprinkler system.

INT./ EXT.

CAB Dieter peers out the window.

The cab begins to pull away. DIETER Good-bye, America.

Tyler runs out of the house. She waves and waves to Dieter as the cab pulls away. He waves back. EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - COLOR

A Lufthansa plane on its way back to Germany. WOMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) Welcome to Lufthansa Flight 2230 with direct service to Berlin. As soon as she says 'Berlin', all the color is sucked out of the scene and we are back in BLACK AND WHITE. INT. LUFTHANSA PLANE - DAY

Dieter is packed into the dreary looking plane with a bunch of weird EUROPEANS. A very butch STEWARDESS comes down the aisle. STEWARDESS Who ordered the grotesque meal? The MAN beside Dieter raises his hand. The Stewardess sets down a tray. On it is a plate of wriggling leeches. STEWARDESS Enjoy. Dieter sneaks a bite of Taco Bell from his bag. PILOT (V.O.) (thick accent, depressed) Ladies and gentlemen, guten abend. I am your pilot, Lothar Siemens. I have been drinking heavily and I question the existence of a benevolent and loving God. So, I want you to sit back and enjoy our in-flight entertainment, Dunston Checks In. Dieter sits back, heartbroken, as the images of Dunston the monkey play before him.

DIETER (V.O.) Berlin is a city of dreams. EXT. OVERHEAD SHOT - BERLIN Berlin is

The same shot from the beginning of the movie. still beautiful, but sterile. DIETER (V.O.) But in America I learned that sometimes dreams are in color. I missed those technicolor dreams. EXT. BERLIN - STREET - NIGHT

Dieter walks with a haunted look. DIETER I found myself longing for pop culture instead of high art. EXT. STOREFRONT - NIGHT

Dieter stands outside an electronics store with a display of televisions. Most of them show black and white, German fare, but one is tuned to Baywatch. Hasselhoff and the gang are in bright, vibrant COLOR. INT. DIETER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Dieter lies in his bed absolutely awake. DIETER (V.O.) I would lie awake nights, tormented by the question: who is the sexiest man in America? EXT. BERLIN NEWSSTAND

A middle-aged man in a rain coat sneaks into frame, looks around suspiciously, and quickly buys a magazine from the PORNOGRAPHY section. A moment later, Dieter sneaks into frame, looks around suspiciously, and quickly buys a copy of PEOPLE, which is the only thing in the frame in COLOR. DIETER (V.O.) I tried to start over. I approached Karlheinz about an idea I had for a new live gardening show: Bitch Slap Weekly.

INT.

KARLHEINZ'S OFFICE - DAY

Dieter pitches to Karlheinz, who sadly shakes his head no. DIETER (V.O.) But I discovered that my time slot had been taken -INT. OSTE DEUTSCHE RUNDFUNK ZWOLF

Dieter watches from the audience of his old set. DIETER (V.O.) By Kristof the Albino and his sidekick the caribou. On stage is Kristof the Albino and the caribou. The show wraps and Marta rushes up to Kristof the Albino, kissing him. DIETER (V.O.) Everyday I relieved a postcard from my family in America. INT. DIETER'S MANSION

Dieter gets a COLOR postcard that says "HELLO FROM LOS ANGELES". It has a picture of three hot girls with naked sandy asses. DIETER (V.O.) And everyday I wrote back. He responds on a postcard that says "HELLO FROM BERLIN". It has a picture of three huge burgermeisters with naked asses. DIETER (V.O.) I also sent care packages to Klaus, but I never heard from him. INT. DIETER'S KITCHEN

Dieter packs a box with bananas, miniature liquor bottles and a copy of "BARELY LEGAL" magazine. DIETER (V.O.) I even tried to reconcile with my mother. INT. TENEMENT It is exactly the same

Dieter enters to his childhood home.

as he left it except that his mother is very old. DIETER Mother, there is something I want to tell you. I know that you and father did the best you could and that we are all just victims of victims. I just want to say that I love you. A tear rolls down Dieter's mother's face. DIETER'S MOTHER (faint) Dieter? DIETER (leans in close) Yes, mother? DIETER'S MOTHER (loud) Free will is a myth! Choice is fate! EXT. CEMETERY Dieter is stoic and

Dieter stands at his mother's funeral. straight-faced as usual.

DIETER (V.O.) Soon after, my mother died. Since I could not weep, I hired Italians to do it for me. Pan over to reveal three ITALIANS weeping and moaning. ITALIANS On, mama mia! etc. DIETER (V.O.) Finally I decided to end it all. EXT. TOP OF A BUILDING - DAY

Dieter is at the top of a Gothic tower. He stands at the very edge looking down, contemplating suicide. We cut to his POV and see the city hundreds of feet below. When we cut back we see that there is now an ANGEL (hopefully played by Bruno Ganz) beside Dieter. Dieter cannot see the angel. The angel is very calm but

concerned about Dieter. Dieter's thoughts.

The angel responds as if he hears

DIETER (V.O.) But at that moment I realized I was wrong. We are never truly alone in this world. I felt someone there, with me. The angel smiles and gently puts his hand on Dieter's shoulder as if to comfort him in his time of need. This, however, causes Dieter to FALL. MID-AIR - DIETER FALLING Dieter falls hundreds of feet. DIETER (V.O.) What they say about dying is true. My whole life did flash in front of my eyes. It wasn't bad, actually, though I thought the second half was a little slow. ANOTHER ANGLE: Dieter is about to hit the ground.

DIETER Ahhhhhhhhhh! EXT. BERLIN STREET - BOTTOM OF THE BUILDING

Dieter lands with a giant THUMP -- but he is alright, because he has landed in the open back of the marzipan delivery truck. Dieter sits up, covered in marzipan. DIETER (tasting it) MARZIPAN! Dieter gets up and walks. He marvels that he's alive. small crowd of witnesses have gathered around him. DIETER (V.O.) It was a miracle. And I knew that fate must have had a reason to keep me alive. Dieter wrinkles up his nose. He sniffs the air. A

DIETER Does anyone else smell something rank?

(sniffs) It smells like... monkey?! be?

Could it

Dieter turns around to see KLAUS in the arms of GENA. The MUSIC SWELLS and Dieter runs toward them in SLO-MO. They hug joyously and as they do, COLOR floods the frame. DIETER How I missed you, Klaus! And I missed you Gena, though in a more sexual way. GENA We missed you too, Dieter. DIETER I wrote to you every day but you never write back. GENA Klaus and I took a road trip across the whole country. We saw the Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, and the world's biggest whorehouse. DIETER Ah Klaus, you never change. GENA We had the best time, Dieter, you should have been there. DIETER So I guess that means Klaus does not want to come back to Germany? GENA No, Dieter, we have a better idea. CUT TO: AMERICAN FLAGS WAVING - ELLIS ISLAND - DAY MUSIC: "We're Coming to America" by NEIL DIAMOND

A boat comes into view, packed with old-fashioned IMMIGRANTS waving. We see Dieter, Gena and Klaus WAVING. They pass the STATUE OF LIBERTY in the background. INT. IMMIGRATION CHAMBERS - DAY

A naturalization hearing is in progress, led by a JUDGE. The camera pans across many immigrant faces -- Asian, African, Latino, European -- and DIETER. NEW CITIZENS (all together) AND PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SO HELP ME GOD. JUDGE Congratulations, you are now citizens of the United States. A great cheer goes up. We see that Dieter is being watches by Gena, Klaus, and the Sheeder family. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY

The whole family is gathered around the television. Carol, very trim again, walks on the treadmill. Bob reads a book on anger management. Bob Junior plays a Gameboy with Gump. Tyler smiles and shows a mouthful of braces. Shhhh! ANGLE ON THE TV: ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Next on KCAL Channel 7, LA's newest morning show, "Sprockets!" INT. SPROCKETS SET - DAY BOB Quiet, it's starting.

The Sprockets set has been rebuilt down to every last detail. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) SPROCKETS! SPROCKETS! KCAL Channel 7 presents Sprockets, mit your host, Dieter. Dieter enters. DIETER Hello, welcome to Sprockets. My name is Dieter. Please welcome my sidekick -- I mean my 'co-host', Klaus! Klaus is brought out by PETE, who is now the monkey-wrangler. The audience applauds loudly.

DIETER Later in the show we'll discuss ways to lose those holiday pounds, but first, let us see what's new in the headlines. Cut over to WEIRD NUN in front of a news desk. WEIRD NUN Our top story today is a fire in Burbank which destroyed an apartment complex -(crazy voice and red eyes) JUST AS THE FIRES OF HELL WILL RIP THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES IF YOU CONTINUE TO PLEASURE YOURSELF! DIETER Thank you, Weird Nun. Now, please welcome my guest, David Hasselhoff. David Hasselhoff enters and sits down. applauds. The audience

DIETER Would you like to touch my monkey, David Hasselhoff? Touch him! Love him! Liebe meine abschminke! Hasselhoff touches the monkey. The crowd goes wild.

DIETER So, Hasselhoff, what have you been up to since your evil twin brother kidnapped my monkey? Well take have It's HASSELHOFF Baywatch and Baywatch Nights up most of my time but I do a new album coming out soon. --

DIETER This movie has become tiresome! Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance! Dieter gets up and begins his crazy dance. He is joined by his black-clad dancers. Then Hasselhoff joins in. Gena and Pete walk on stage and begin to dance. The studio audience joins in as well.

INT.

SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY

The Sheeder family starts doing the weird Dieter dance. INT. PRISON - DAY

The prisoners watch on TV and start to do the Dieter dance. INT. TRUCK STOP - DAY

The truckers watching TV begin to dance. INT. SHERIFF STATION

The Sheriff and Billy start to dance the weird dance. INT. DICK VAN PATTEN'S BEDROOM He wears a black teddy and

Dick van Patten is watching. weeps. INT. NEW SPROCKETS SET - DAY

Dieter, Gena, and Klaus together. FADE OUT.

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