10 ways to keep the love of your life Shola just couldn’t understand why she so unlucky when it comes

to the matter of the heart; she had dated over five men before her present boyfriend, and had loved them with all of her heart. She gave whatever they ask of her which includes her time, money and body; yet this just do not seems enough for them. They eventually leave in the end. She is afraid of loosing Tayo who she is presently dating. Over the years of counseling singles, I observe that a common fear with a good percentage of them is the fear of going through heartbreak. Some of them had gone through gruesome experience in the past in relationships that they were in; the experience stil lingers on even when they commit themselves to another. What I have come to observe is that fear causes a vicious cycle of event when it is misdirected. Fear that is constructive would guide from making the mistake of the past by been knowledgeable; destructive kind of fear judge people as the same from the experience they had gone through with out giving the new lover the opportunity to prove him to be different. I will like to share with you ten ways to keep the love of your life; if you are new or old in the business of relationship, it will help you have a stable one that can lead to successful marriage… Thou shall not love a man with all your heart- This is the first law most singles break that often leave them with heartbreak; the reason is because every man (both the male and female) is a potential heartbreaker. The word heart here means to commit the core of ones being to someone else. It is like putting your money in an investment that you do not know anything about; it is likely that you will loose all of your hard earned cash. A lot of singles have not taken the time to understand the opposite sex, or should I say people generally. If you take time to do this, it will keep you on the defensive due to the human nature of inconsistency. His actions are greatly determined by events; so if he loves you today, it may just be that the events are around him are okay. The only person that you should commit your heart to is God (do bear with me, that is my religious belief); He is the One that your heart is secured with even after marriage. In my book (Why ‘good’ women marry ‘bad’ men), I wrote the following, ‘Someone said, ‘70% of the female inmate in one of the psychiatric hospital in Nigerian got there because of a wrong choice of relationship with the opposite sex.’ I have heard of stories of people who attempted suicide because the person they love with all of their heart decided that it was best they move on. Thou shall love him like your neighbor- You may love someone and treat the person as special at the early stage of the relationship, but ultimately you will treat him the way you treat everyone else in the end.

I believe that we are designed to live in a consistent manner; a selfish person will not become a selfless one in a relationship for too long. We ultimately treat our love ones the way we treat those that we have nothing to gain a thing from. How will you know if the person you are in relationship with really loves you? Just check out the way he treats people around him. Thou shall treat him like a bird in an open cage- Excessiveness in anything is not healthy; excessive loving, caring, protecting, jealousy, etc are signs of someone that does not feel secured in the relationship. Always let your partner have a breathing space; do not monitor or hunt him around town. Never make your partner feel he is been caged, he will look for ways of escape. In my book (Don’t fall in love), I wrote on the need not to be crazily in love with anyone. I wrote the following statement, ‘No one wants to marry a crazy person, which explains the reason why many of the relationships that one partner is crazy about the other does not lead to marriage or a successful one.’ Let him feel free to fly; if he is yours he will always come back to you. If you cage him; he will feel the need to explore other avenues and will eventually not return once he has the opportunity to leave. Thou shall not let him eat the honey until the d-day- Every single should have the understanding that the way to the heart of your partner is not through their sexual organ. Most men have the feeling that once they are sexually involve with their partner, it guarantees that the lady loves them. After counseling singles for sometime now, I have come to discover that it is the women that play impossible to get in the area of sex that often keep their relationship to the point of marriage and till death do them part afterwards. Singles that are heartbroken the most when the relationship they are in come to an end are those that had invested time and their body to pleasing their partner. I usually like saying this to singles, what is inside your panties is called private part, if you make it a public part, the public will abuse it and abuse you. The public includes the love of your life, until the day you both say ‘I do.’ Thou shall not hide what cannot be hidden- I am of the opinion that if a relationship will succeed, both parties must come out with any skeleton in their cupboard. There is nothing that can really be hidden that will not eventually come to the open; it’s important then that you come out clean with any information that can make you become the victim of blackmail. One reason I encourage people to come out clean with any information that their partner should not be kept at the dark of, is because people who repeat a story always say it the way they understand it. Often when this is done, it distort the real story its self. It is better you inform your partner about the events of the past, than wait for him to hear it from somewhere else. If you allow this happen, it will be difficult for you to build the wall of trust he has for you again.

Thou shall be discreet with information- Only wise people, keep what they have. I feel that when it comes to disseminating information, one should be very discreet. A good example is when a guy asks a lady how many men have been sexually involved with her (funny, it is men that ask this question); to give him an answer that 20 men have done that could scare him away. Someone made this profound statement, ‘Every man wants to marry a virgin, but want to live with a prostitute.’ Be discreet with answering any question involving your past without lying. I feel that men too should learn to be careful how they pass information to the love of their life because of the emotional state of the opposite sex. For instance, if your mum do not approve of your lover, it is not your duty to go and blab this to her. If you do, you are going to have a lady who will never like your mum. That will go a long way of causing frictions between you both later in life. Even in expressing your opinion there is a need for you to be discreet with what you say, how you say it and when you say it. Thou shall study your parents’ relationship- I do not believe that experience is the best teacher; I love it when Reverend Sam Adeyemi in a message said, ‘Another person’s experience is the best teacher.’ Everyone one who want to have a successful relationship should understudy their parents; ruminate on how they related with one another and use it as a guide in relating with their partner. As a single lady, if your mum is fond of nagging your dad, make sure you avoid this in your relationship. If your dad do not like been nagged, the love of your life will hate it too. As a single man observe your dad, if he is the lackadaisical, then avoid that in your relationship because if your mum nags about this attitude, the love of your life will not act differently. Your parents are a parameter to use when it comes to relating with the opposite sex. Thou shall not pour new wine in an old wine skin- I feel that one of the challenges of keeping the love of ones life is comparing the present relationship with those of the past that the individual had been hurt in. It is bringing in a new life into an old baggage, it will never work. The person that you are dating presently should be seen as a new individual, and should be separated from the past; the essence of the past is to learn from its mistake and not to live in them. To keep referring to the present relationship from the dimension of the pain of past relationship is to kill it progressively right from its onset. I feel that singles should get rid of the mindset that brands everyone in the opposite sex as the same; all men are the same, is a bogus statement. To conclude that women are heartbreakers because of hi an experience is making a bloated statement,

Thou shall learn to play friendly games- If you will ever keep the love of your life, you must learn to live with people who are dear to him in peace. People like his family and friends, should be accorded with due respect. The idea that relationship is meant for two individuals only is good for the western world; I feel differently about this. I feel that if a relationship will succeed, it is required that both parties involve in it should learn how to live in peace with everyone involved with the lives of their partner before the onset of the relationship. To get into a relationship with a competitive heart against those that are dear to him is to have him divided against you and his family. In the beginning, he may choose you, but ultimately in the end he will still go back to those that he had been relating with before you came into the scene. I believe women especially should get rid of the mindset that inlaws are bad; I feel this mindset is the beginning of the end of any relationship. A friendly game is not a do or die affair, because there is nothing to win. It is aimed at preparing both teams for games ahead and not to eliminate the other as in a tournament. Thou shall learn to pray- A Nigeria adage says, ‘What is good requires that you pray.’ I believe that you should learn to commit the relationship into the hands of God, just as another adage says, ‘It is what is kept in the hand of God that is safe.’ Some of the relationship that ended in heartbreaks had things going smoothly for them in the beginning; they were like a perfect match for each other until the relationship came tumbling down the hill top it has attained over time like Jack and Gill who went to fetch a pail of water. I feel that anything that will succeed needs God’s active participation; to take God out of it is to see whatever relationship you are in, go into the state of oblivion in the future (do bear with me, that is my religious view). Olufemi Fasanya 08037257479, 08083906495 (no flashing please) www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com

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