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THIS IS THE STORY OF two people who actually exist who don't know who i am who are in love but sometimes they can't say it outloud and sometimes other people don't believe them but it's always true and there's a skate documentary about them in which she looks at him like he holds her lungs in his arms and if he gets too far she'll die and he looks at her like she's the only reason he keeps getting up in the morning and putting clothes on and moving amicably about the world and they might be dead in 5 years because of all the smoke and all the noise and all the nights spent not sleeping just staring at the closed venetian blinds wondering wondering and all the plans they made that never came to fruition because the ink dulls in the light but sometimes when the sunlight slants through the windows caked in a film of filth they feel okay enough to justify being so embarrassingly alive and in certain moments when they're driving through the desert listening to a band they both saw live they feel okay enough to fear dying and in certain moments when in the dark at a bus stop in the city she holds his hand while he vomits the remains of his dinner they feel okay enough to think about some kind of future and in certain moments it's important to notice.
CHAPTER 1 YOU AND I WILL BE OLD SOMEDAY get drunk skate fuck chicks burn shit get drunk skate fuck chicks burn shit get drunk skate fuck chicks burn shit get drunk skate fuck chicks burn shit get drunk skate fuck chicks burn shit get drunk skate fuck chicks burn shit drink skate fuck chicks burn shit all the days beyond this very moment are keeping you awake don't think about it don't don't think about it don't ever sleep don't ever wake up don't ever reintroduce yourself in a world where who the hell's skin is this it certainly isn't yours never get old at all
CHAPTER 2 SKATEPARK BUMS
Your lips are so red. Super red. Like redder than your shirt. Super red.” I saw her at the skate park and she was watching me So I walked up and said that. I first met her a couple years ago at some punk rock show in Corona. I was wasted. She was like fifteen. I drank and smoked weed And went into the car she was in And said come with me I’ll fuckin buy you a ticket Cuz she had no money. We went in and I sold weed to all the punk rockers And I remember dropping her off at her house. I didn’t see her for years until later I started to see her at the same parties and shit. I didn’t recognize her But she remembered me I think. We’re here because we like it hot as fuck. We like sweating. Also I’m here to film and skate and my sponsors pay for me to be here So I can skate on all the pools and messed-up houses. I want to see the waterfalls and Skate and eat shrooms in the woods And go fishing. I want to jump in the quarries. We still go in the bushes to drink our beers. I don’t know why. We’re in our twenties, most of us. Twenty-four, twenty-six. But we still like to hide. All these girls out here they love hanging onto scumbags. They love taking care of someone. That’s why you see all these scumbags with girls all over them.
I was with a hot girl in California, did you see me? Right here that was like the first time I was gonna jump. This ledge here. I mean my body is tired. My knees all fucked up. She’ll be okay if she doesn’t keep hanging out with skate park bums like me. I think she’s in her last year of high school. Wants to go to college, Then the Peace Corps. Joan of Arc is her hero And she says I’m probably a communist But that there’s nothing wrong with that. It sucks though ‘cause you see all these cute kids. Cute little blonde angel-haired kids And you know they’re gonna be just as fucked up as you. Standing there in their skateboard shoes on the lawn. Because you were an angel-haired kid once Sucking in cigarette smoke from your parents’ roaches. It’s so fucked up. She’s skinny as hell And quiet and careful. She’s so beautiful. I’m so gross. Maybe she’s being ironic. I don’t know why she likes me. I make her so sad. She told me that at the drive-in. I was talking about my ex-girlfriend. I had a kid with her. He’s six months old. He’s rad. But when I was picking a movie for the drive-in There was this one movie I didn’t want to pick Because my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with some guy. They went to that movie and hooked up. And I saw how long it was and was like of course. Of course they pick a long one. I told her that story about my ex-girlfriend and why I didn’t pick that movie and she looked at me and said “You make me so sad.” And it just hung there. I didn’t know what to say to make her feel better so I just didn’t say anything.
CHAPTER 3 VIOLET HAIRED ANGELS
it’s fine i’ll clean it up. it's fine i’ll clean up your room and the remains of your dinner and your vomit. you haven’t asked me a question about myself since before we fucked and i noticed but you can’t help it you’re so tired and you haven’t seen your mother in a year and you’re trying to skate and it’s hard because the scene is weak lately i get it. the first time i saw you stumbling into the car i was in your eyes lolled and snapped back up like my father’s did once and then i know it’s my fault. i wake up at night slouch at the edge of the mattress my feet on the floor my knees by my chin you don't notice you’re so wasted it's fine sometimes so high i have to stick pins in your balls to make sure you’re alive. my mother cried last time she saw me. i was as thin and white as a ghost the mirror image of my sister before she wandered off with a junkie and sank into the walls (and i still hear her chains rattling at night) i said don’t look at me that way and got in your car and you flipped her off and we sped away while you swigged Captain Morgan’s from a paper bag. i love the dripping wounds on your knees from when you tried to skate that competition completely fucked
and i love when you’re so drunk you can’t kiss me without laughing and i love when you sleep next to me with your mouth wide open breathing decay after not having brushed your teeth in three days and i love and i love and i love i smoke three packs a day in hopes it will make me more mature because you learn all you need to learn by the time you die so maybe if i die sooner i’ll learn faster wise up steal off during the night leaving an empty camel carton on your yellow mattress and a tube of red red lipstick. some nights at two am i lean over the fire escape staring down that thirty foot drop imagine i’m brave.
CHAPTER 4 I'M SO SMALL i don't wanna be awake enough to apologize. fuckin i told you to leave so many times in my head. she's up all night, man. i need help but she's the only one i can ask but i have to let her go to class and get a job and meet some fuckin yuppie at her school to live where all the pools are filled in the summer and there's no tents in the backyards and no beer cans on the lawn and it never smells like weed and the parents make sure their kids cut thier hair. if you love someone that's what you do. they say it in like every song. she's so deep inside her head. i'm so far off every edge trying to convince myself i'm dreaming i just want her there too like sometimes well one time we were holding hands in the middle of the night at a bus stop after i got kicked out of a show for being drunk and causing shit and she was holding my hand and i was holding her hand
and it was kind of like we were holding up the entire universe and it'd just rained in the narrow space between our palms. i felt like nothing would ever happen to me. but it's supposed to be the other way around. i'm supposed to make her feel less afraid of everything but i can't let go of her hand. man i'm so fuckin small. it's not her fault. i hope in 10 years she doesnt remember me. i want her to sit in a kitchen with wood floors sipping a cup of coffee from a glass mug at 9 in the morning after the kids have gone to school and look out a window where the hedges are trimmed and think of me and wonder how i am and then the alarm on the oven will go off and she'll remember the banana bread's ready and forget about me.
CHAPTER 5 I REALLY AM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT i don't want you to wake up i like you better unconscious or well i tell myself that because my poor father would've hung around if my mother hadn't soaked her groaning crow's feet in pitchers of that streamlined liquid euphoria i threw out so many glass pipes i threw out so many tiny mirrors i put her to bed and waited for her chest to stop rising i pretended i would mind does that make me evil baby you don't think I'm evil do you do you you can't possibly with all the shit you've done is that why? i used to have dreams she'd died. i mean, nightmares. i mean nightmares.
CHAPTER 6 SHE COULD OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT IF SHE WANTED we were at a yardsale selling all our shit. she read me passages from a pamphlet on how to overthrow the government. i think i love her every time she blinks but we haven’t had a conversation in two months or ever. while i sleep i wake up like when i wake up i can tell she was up all night. i can tell by how when i look at her she looks at me like she was expecting me sort of. sitting on the edge of the naked mattress with her thin arms crossed and shit just looking at me. it’s ok with me. on the fourth of july i drank beer at an abandoned lot where there was an empty pool and we skated the pool and set off fireworks all night. she sat on the rim hugging her knees every time a firecracker would go off it’d light up her face. she’d have her lips pursed. not smiling just sitting there. sunglasses on in the pitch black. i didnt have anything to say. i just wanna watch her sitting. like we walked along the waterfalls i was jumping in and she was just sitting there i thought how i could watch her sitting there for the rest of my life probably. at the beach i smoked a joint so i wouldn’t grab her shoulders and shake her and say how i cant help her i can’t save her she still has fuckin braces she can’t give up yet i want to see her in a college classroom and i want her not to wave to me but
her stoner girl laugh shatters my insides and makes me feel less useless. i was in an rv with like fourteen people on the freeway i called my mom i felt fuckin rad after like i was getting my shit together i hadn’t talked to her in 2 years i couldnt hear her over the wind and shit but it was her voice. my mom finally called me. i took her around and showed her where i smoked cigarettes when i was sixteen and where we slept some nights when we were too bored to go home. somebody told me they think she seems sophisticated. i said ‘fuck’ in front of my kid by accident it just kinda slipped out and she said i shouldn’t. she said kids are very observant at that age. i wonder who’s fault it is i’m so fucked up and useless. i took my kid to the zoo. taught him some shit about camouflage and roosters. i hope he remembers something. i’m 26. yesterday i was coughing blood. and i was skating and while i was skating i could feel every pebble and sidewalk crack in my kneecaps. i don’t know. i hope he remembers me. i got drunk and watched her dark eyes wither. i saw a dog and was trying to talk to it and i couldn’t even eat the burger she bought me. i’m so used to ruining everything. i want to still know her when she gets her braces off or maybe i want her to be somewhere new. we were driving through the desert and she was looking at me and she said ‘i’m doomed.’ she thinks she loves me. i’m so sorry.
CHAPTER 7 YOU SEE ALL THESE SCUMBAGS WITH GIRLS ALL OVER THEM i know it's my fault. i give him pills when his knee's bothering him. i don't make him stop drinking even after he can't focus on my face and get's real real close. i think i just like him that close. i like how heavy he leans on me.
CHAPTER 8 SHE SAYS I'M A COMMUNIST BUT THAT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT she's really big into the metaphysics of morals and david hume the british empiricist and the whole inquiry concerning human understanding and she skipped like fuckin 2 weeks of classes to go to a skate festival with me.
CHAPTER 9 EVERYBODY'S FUCKIN TIRED OF SOMETHING everybody's tired of me. i think i'm overstaying my own welcome. i wanna kick myself out. i want a new one. i want to knock on the door of whoever's in charge and exchange this. all this. fuckin bullshit. it's like i'm a cheap pair of skinny jeans. i looked alright for like 2 weeks and then suddenly my colors started bleeding in the wash and now nobody wants to take me out. i'm really sorry. hey--hey tell her i'm sorry.
hey. is anyonefuck.
CHAPTER 10 I'M ALWAYS THE LAST ONE AWAKE i just like dangling my foot over. he took a shot. i don't know what else to tell you. i've been out of cigarettes for like a week but i can always bum them. someday i'll be all wrinkles and ashes. maybe i'll breathe through a tube. maybe he'll shatter all my bones because sometimes i think i'm made of glass. i'll have a sagging apologetic frame. smile more often because it's polite. i'll only be what's underneath my skin. i don't wanna think about it. the sun is really bright through the plastic blinds and it reminds me of easter with my family with my mom and dad in the same room and i think i'm gonna go to sleep. that way even if he wakes up i won't be up and we won't have to talk about it. i hate every holiday. i hate when the sun looks at me like fresh starts are a realistic concept. i hate the phrase 'waking up' such a bullshit implication.
CHAPTER 11 I ONLY THINK I'M A CRIMINAL BECAUSE THEY LOOK AT ME LIKE I AM i was skating a pool in florida
an old woman came out from next door looked at me like i'd gone into her house burned all the photographs of her dead relatives. i'm not killing anyone. i'm just not sure yet about certain things i'm in the middle of the desert my whole life feels like a mirage my whole life is a mirage my whole life is a mirage i just wanna drown myself in it but then i run up to it and it's not real
CHAPTER 12 I KIND OF LIKE THIS GUY i don't really think about things but um you know i just really wanna go camping it sounded rad it was like this punk skate campground thing he was talking about it on the skateshop on the phone and i was like i really wanna go to that that would be rad he was a cool guy we were friends so we went and we were driving back like after the thing well not really after it was sort of in the middle but we had to leave and we were driving back through the desert and shit and the sun was setting it was kind of romantic and i thought i kind of like this guy. pretty much doomed after that.
CHAPTER 13 I NOTICE EVERYTHING i just have no idea what to say about it why does she like me she always talks to me about responsibility i wonder if she'll take care of me my whole life
i can't wait to ruin her whole life i can't believe i ruined her whole life she laughs but like her eyes are so goddamn dark. underneath all black and gaunt. i want to help. she looks at me like the barrel of a gun. begging me to put my hands behind my head. pull the fuckin trigger already. i'm living in a tent behind my friends house. she's living there with me. what about her family.
CHAPTER 14 I GUESS WE'RE HOMELESS TODAY i asked him 'do we have a place to stay?' he said 'i don't know.'
CHAPTER 15 I SPENT ALL OUR MONEY ON PILLS i can't just let things be good. i gotta fuck it up. it's all in my head i know it but
CHAPTER 16 SOMETIMES HE LOOKS AT ME AND I KNOW I'M DOOMED i know he notices. what's the point of that if he doesnt say anything.
but we can sit in a room and not talk for hours i guess. so. he came home tonight and we got drunk off red wine in paper cups. i made him chicken nuggets and he fell asleep in my lap. the tv was on but i wasn't paying attention. just kind of like to have the noise in the back. i was looking out the window because there were no clouds and you could see orion. he's one of the oldest known constellations. mythologically he's known for being a hunter. he'd brag how he could kill every animal on earth. so gaia, the earth goddess, she got offended and sent a scorpion to kill him.
CHAPTER 17 I'LL LOVE HER WHEN SHE'S OLD BUT YOU CAN'T JUST FUCKIN SAY THAT KINDA THING she's sitting in the front seat reading a book she annotated it like all highlighter marks and notes on the side it's about communism she says about how some people have so much and some people have swollen fat stomachs because they haven't eaten in forever. all we have's this van right now and her fuckin smile. i could look at how the sun when it's all orange glaring against the windows and we're going through the desert and she's playing with her necklace in her small hands all white and smooth her white smooth hands for the rest of my life i think i could just stare at her mouth and her red red lips and her dark inconsolable hair and how sometimes when i'm driving she's looking at me even when i'm not talking she doesnt know this but i'd still love her even when she isn't beautiful and small and even when she's old. i think she's worried but like i won't care. i don't know how to tell her that. i wanna eat a pill and go to sleep.
CHAPTER 18 SOMETIMES I'M WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING AND IT FEELS LIKE WE'LL BE ALRIGHT i won a skate competition and used the money to buy a tattoo. it was a rocket ship with my kid's name on it. she came with me. held my hand.
THE END. IF YOU READ THIS IF I SEE YOU EVER I'LL TOTALLY GIVE YOU A REALLY BIG HUG.