Take it or leave it You are alive and I am alive and I Am writing a thing And you are reading this

thing But since you are alive You have a choice Whether to continue to read This thing or whether To stop right now and that Is the beauty of being alive.
Unnecessary Haiku 1/75 Do these blueberries Really come from a mountain, Or is that a joke? Unnecessary Haiku 2/75 Are orange slice candies Giving you some cellulite? Bitch, they just might be. Unnecessary Haiku 3/75 Generic versus The name brand. What even is The real difference?

Refresh Refresh Refresh I am alive My heart is beating and My lungs are inhaling and Exhaling And my mind is creating and I am alive. I will not waste away. My body feels tired but I refuse to waste Away. I want to pour buckets Of cold water on my Head and peel the fog from My eyes That veils my vision like Kudzu and I want to Be alive because I Am Alive.
Unnecessary Haiku 4/75 For being large curd, This cottage cheese is pretty Minuscule to me.

Unnecessary Haiku 5/75 What is the right way? Brushing your teeth before or After you floss them? Unnecessary Haiku 6/75 My mouth is frothing Maple seedlings and my throat Is filled with dried leaves. Unnecessary Haiku 7/75 White-out is good for Words on paper but not for Feelings in your heart Unnecessary Haiku 8/75 I always sleep well After eating two crunchwraps From that Taco Bell. Unnecessary Haiku 9/75 Do you think that cats Weigh themselves when their humans Are asleep at night?

Unnecessary Haiku 10/75 How does someone eat A whole entire supreme Pizza to themselves?

Unnecessary Haiku 11/75 I mistook my pack Of Zoloft for my cell phone And called 9-1-1.

Getting HIV Was The Last Thing On My Mind You are a butterfly pinned To a corkboard, wings splayed Between pieces of shattered Glass that once covered Your fragile body. Your Vulnerability makes you even More attractive and I Find myself cutting my Fingers to pick through The shards and gather you in my Bloody fingertips.

Jesus Doesn't Trim His Fingernails I met Jesus at eight p.m. on A Wednesday night some Years ago at a Restaurant I’d later never visit

Again. He played bass Guitar with his head Down in the corner by the Arcade golf game while Sipping rum and coke. He wore Homemade metal rings on His fingers and played his Favorite Death Cab For Cutie songs On the jukebox for a dollar a Pop. We discussed what “Brothers On A Hotel Bed" meant to him and what his Philosophy on life was—that everything Would be okay, no matter what; That it is what it Is and everything happens For a reason. Everything Happens For A Reason; Even meeting Jesus at a hole-inThe-wall restaurant on that Wednesday In May.

Unnecessary Haiku 12/75 Do you want to guide Me? Or will you be the one To guide me straight home? Unnecessary Haiku 13/75 I placed my lips on The curve of your clavicle

As we fell asleep. Unnecessary Haiku 14/75 It's impossible To guide others when you don't Even know the way. Unnecessary Haiku 15/75 Writing is taking A deep breath from the real word For just a second. Unnecessary Haiku 16/75 Let your flesh and mine Become one with each other Underneath the grass. Unnecessary Haiku 17/75 Viscosity was In her voice when she told me She'd gotten cancer. Unnecessary Haiku 18/75 What is the point of Only having one bookend When you must have two?

Unnecessary Haiku 19/75 The skeleton crew Arrived as I scrambled to Fall asleep in peace. Unnecessary Haiku 20/75 My two eyes are two

Different sizes when I Truly am smiling. Unnecessary Haiku 21/75 You only exist In the way you portray your Being to the world. Unnecessary Haiku 22/75 There are unknown plants Inhabiting my backyard. Invaders from space. Unnecessary Haiku 23/75 I sneezed while I peed And it was actually Uncomfortable. Unnecessary Haiku 24/75 Our cat does not like When Skrillex drops the bass at Volume seventeen.

Unnecessary Haiku 25/75 Every time I Vacuum, I dismiss the spot Where my grandpa died.

Ginger One time I went to a fancy

Cupcakery and bought two Five-dollar pastries for the hell of Wasting money and licked Off the frosting and left The cake portions scattered like Voluptuous warts and the crumbs Like ants infesting the cold, metal Tables for the redhead behind the Counter to clean up. She Gave me a look that said, "This is Not part of my job description" As I sucked buttercream Off of my thumb as I Filled out a comment card That said, "The icing on Marsh's Cakes is better than this," clambered Out of my chair, and let the Bells on the door say goodbye For me.

Unnecessary Haiku 26/75 My skin is peeling Into continents just like Pangaea once did. Unnecessary Haiku 27/75 Safe and sound we are Entangled in false structures Waiting for rescue.

Things I Learned/Experienced In Jail
Have your bunkie’s back and they will have yours. This means offering up your leftover square pizza and vanilla pudding to her before offering it to anyone from any other cell. Jail makes even the most uncreative person into the most resourceful person on the planet. Turn an empty Jolly Rancher bag into a peanut butter sandwich baggie; turn Irish Spring soap and shampoo into laundry detergent. Being soft-hearted gets you nowhere except sitting alone at TV time while everyone else plays spades or in your cell with your nose in a borrowed book about AIDS with peculiar blood stains on the pages or doing a word search entitled “Types of Apples” in your cell mate’s commissary leisure book with a safety pen. Comforting. Be prepared to trade mint sticks and ramen noodles for Cactus Annie’s offbrand nacho cheese tortilla chips and windowsill pickles so your bunkie can make her midnight snack with leftover chopped bologna and week-old cheez wiz. Betty Chopper. Toothpaste spots on the cinderblock walls are the marks of the rule breakers. They also look like ejaculate stains. Just another reason you should keep your mouth shut while you sleep; you don’t want someone’s hair blanket in your face. Blue and black tally marks are proof of time served or maybe they are to give future cell occupants hope of getting out. Inmates scrawl their John Hancocks on the walls as if to say they are proud to have been in cell F601. They say it’s bad luck to leave your mark on the wall or a book unread-if you do, you’re surely coming back to see them again. Coffee is gold there and fresh tomatoes are a hot commodity and a piece of hard candy and a carton of Prairie Farms milk can get you farther than you think. No matter what the nurse in charge says, you are not allowed to have double mats on your bunk, especially if you have one of the nicer, newer Tempurpedic-like ones with the built in pillows. Otherwise, it’s on the floor in a boat with your head by the toilet. Sleeping next to a stranger while they shit out four days worth of food isn’t thrilling. The toilet is used as a trash can, by the way. It is the most powerful vacuum-like thing you could ever imagine. Everything is discarded there from feminine products to apple cores. “Don’t flush your butt cheeks down the toilet,” they said. “Don’t get a sucker stick stuck up your butt,” they

said. This isn’t Lockup Raw.

Unnecessary Haiku 28/75 Spit wads flying in The back seat as we're driving; Settle down there, kids. Unnecessary Haiku 29/75 Experiencing You was like the first time I Rode on a coaster. Unnecessary Haiku 30/75 You are barbecue Chips forgotten underneath The kitchen table. Unnecessary Haiku 31/75 I drink water from Red Solo Cups instead of Using real glasses.

Unnecessary Haiku 32/75 I spell out all the Words I'm saying like I am Typing them all out. Unnecessary Haiku 33/75

Let's run off to the Art museum and try to Understand ourselves. Unnecessary Haiku 34/75 To buy Chipotle Or to not buy Chipotle? That is the question. Unnecessary Haiku 35/75 I really don’t mind If we sit and stare at each Other and just smile. Unnecessary Haiku 36/75 I am a dragon You are also a dragon Maybe we're soulmates. Unnecessary Haiku 37/75 Getting along with You is like pulling popcorn Kernels from my teeth.

Unnecessary Haiku 38/75 Let's talk about the Lives of bees and how you are Way out of my league. Unnecessary Haiku 39/75 Most people are stale

Boxed doughnuts but I want to Be a fresh doughnut. Unnecessary Haiku 40/75 The sound of freckles On skin is the sound of rain Drops on empty lakes. Unnecessary Haiku 41/75 Cheetos are not chips And the word orange is a Color and a fruit. Unnecessary Haiku 42/75 Getting an Xbox Achievement for the price of Your frozen yogurt. Unnecessary Haiku 43/75 Maternity clothes Are often more attractive Than regular clothes.

Unnecessary Haiku 44/75 Let's have a food fight. I call the pan of pasta Sauce, if you don't mind. Unnecessary Haiku 45/75 My deodorant Makes my armpits smell shower

Fresh throughout the day.

Sixteen Dollars The guy sitting next to me in the lobby at Great Clips is staring at me out of the corner of his eye and, according to the customer wait list, his name is Frank. Maybe he knows my name is Jennifer. Maybe he doesn’t. I hope he doesn’t. Maybe he is too busy staring at me out of his peripheral vision. What a creep. "FRANK," announces the next-available stylist as she eagle-eyes the room for her client, despite the fact that Frank is the only male in the small waiting area. He looks wary as he studies the lady chirping his name. I can’t blame him, as she doesn’t seem like the person I’d trust with my hair to a pair of clearance scissors from Sally’s Beauty Supply. Upon entering Great Clips, this same scissors-wielding woman eyed me up and down to the tune of Sugar Ray’s “Fly" as she took my name in the registry and told me my wait would be about fifteen minutes. After giving me the once-over, noticing my expanded stomach and realizing it wasn’t from eating too much fast food, she smirked and turned around without another word. Being eight months pregnant, I figured she would have had a little more empathy for a fellow maternal figure. I guess the difference between us was not the color of our skin. The difference was that she had a wedding ring plastered to her finger and my ring finger was bare. Frank’s eyes are no longer focused on me—thank goodness—as he is taken under the wing of the stylist with the unknown name. There are two girls on the list named Meg and Annie with a stuck-up mom who bought them bagels and Starbucks to appease them as they wait for their chlorine treatments. “Easy on Annie, she’s sensitive," Mother chides. Eye rolls from the pregnant hair stylist are shot her way as the mom leaves the girls sipping and munching to get Starbucks for herself and it is my turn.

A woman’s curvy figure approaches and her nametag reads “Lindsey." I am relieved that I have been spared from the wrath of the pregnant beautician. Lindsey begins the usual polite conversation-starters as she leads me back to her booth—the booth next to the one Frank has occupied with his now-nearly-shaved head. He peers at me through the gap in the triangle-shaped partition and I pretend not to notice. I explain to my warm-demeanored stylist that I simply want the back of my neck cleaned up and re-shaped. I also tell her I want my hair thinned out. Lindsey nods her head in understanding—or what I took as her understanding me—as I feel her attempt to wet my hair with the spray bottle and begin to clip the back. I explain that my hair is like that of a dog—waterproof coat and all—which makes her giggle nervously, drawing Frank’s attention as he leaves the booth next to me with money in hand. I feel comfort wash over me as I watch Lindsey work on my hair in the mirror and as I watch Frank leave the building. As Lindsey has me place my head face-down so she can finish up the back of my head, I hear the pregnant hair-Nazi call Meg and Annie back to the sinks for their hair treatments. She is careful to abide by the mother’s wishes as I hear her call for someone to cover Annie’s twiggy legs with spare smocks so she doesn’t “freeze her poor self to death." My turn to roll my eyes. A quick blow-dry and look at the back of my head with a mirror and I tell Lindsey she has done a wonderful job through gritted teeth. Great Clips can only do so much, and I wasn’t going to make a scene about something she couldn’t fix. She makes sure to begin the usual polite conversation-enders as she leads me to the register, commenting on how cute my pair of Vans with the Hello Kitty pattern are. I give her a half-smile as she rings me up and I grab out sixteen dollars—twelve dollars for the cut, plus four dollar tip—and allow the bells on the door to say goodbye for me. Upon entering the car, my grandmother gushes about my haircut, telling me how adorable I look—as if “adorable" is an appropriate term for a 22-year-old—and asks me how I feel. I reply that sixteen dollars

wasn’t worth the experience.
Unnecessary Haiku 46/75 Kittens are cute but Not when you are stuck cleaning Out the litterbox. Unnecessary Haiku 47/75 What are the chances That we did not receive post On a normal day? Unnecessary Haiku 48/75 Maybe we're icebergs Or maybe we're tree roots or Maybe we're humans. Unnecessary Haiku 49/75 I think frogs are cute Except when they die in your Pool from the chlorine.

Unnecessary Haiku 50/75 My ears are my lungs, For without them I could not Take a single breath.

Unnecessary Haiku 51/75

Why can my legs not Just shave themselves? This is the Year twenty-thirteen. Unnecessary Haiku 52/75 All that's on TV Are shows about the Amish Moving to cities. Unnecessary Haiku 53/75 How many haikus Is too many haikus for One person to write? Unnecessary Haiku 54/75 Let me just hold you And mold my body to yours As we fall asleep. Unnecessary Haiku 55/75 Who even uses A stapler to hold up their iPad anyway?

Oliviah I’m sitting. I’m sitting on a couch That has been sitting in This basement since before I was born. If there were Xbox Achievements for couches, this Couch would have an Achievement for lasting five Generations. I’m letting my trichotillomania Get the best of me As I watch “Juno" and compare It to the situation I’m

Currently in. I pick at my Eyelashes when I’m nervous And the part of the movie Where she gives birth makes Me too nervous to even Watch anymore. So I’m sitting; I’m sitting on the antique Couch, picking at my eyelashes, To keep myself calm while Avoiding the fact that the generation Inside me will find herself On a different couch than this one.
Unnecessary Haiku 56/75 Even backups need A backup who may also Need their own backup. Unnecessary Haiku 57/75 The satisfaction Of fully popping a zit The very first try. Unnecessary Haiku 58/75 I hate the smell that Gas stoves emit when they start Preheating to bake.

Unnecessary Haiku 59/75

Give me a pizza And it will feed me for an Entire day or more. Unnecessary Haiku 60/75 Did you get lucky From staying up all night or Is that just a myth? Unnecessary Haiku 61/75 Pitch Perfect is too About music. You are such A friggin' liar. Unnecessary Haiku 62/75 Brie, Gouda, Muenster, Feta, Goat, Bleu, Parmesan, American cheese. Unnecessary Haiku 63/75 Why do you have a Picture of me as a fiveYear-old on your wall? Unnecessary Haiku 64/75 Private school does not Fix teenage rebellion. Bottom line. The end.

Perspective From The Back Of A Moving Vehicle

Nineteen firefighters in a taxi cab listening to rap music while two kids throw grapes over houses and catch them on the other side while two girls reenact old go-gurt commercials on the trampoline. I'll Faint Before I Pay For Water I almost passed out today While standing in line at Target so I Laid my head down on the register And the cashier told me to go Get some water from Starbucks But my vision was too blurry To find 50 cents in my pocket To buy any.
Unnecessary Haiku 65/75 Who cooks red beans and Rice at eight o'clock at night? That’s correct, I do. Unnecessary Haiku 66/75 Can we just listen To Sigur Ros and pretend The world is okay? Unnecessary Haiku 67/75 Water constitutes The majority of our Bodies and our lives.

Unnecessary Haiku 68/75 I used to call the Radio station so I Could be live on air.

Unnecessary Haiku 69/75 Was that your stomach Making noise or was that the Trash truck down the street? Unnecessary Haiku 70/75 Cottage cheese is now Considered a substitute For eating meat. Nice. Unnecessary Haiku 71/75 The river is dry And the land is wet and that’s A predicament. Unnecessary Haiku 72/75 I buy Jones soda For the bottles, not the drink. That makes lots of sense. Unnecessary Haiku 73/75 You know what I hate? Internet Explorer and unburned marshmallows.

Unnecessary Haiku 74/75 Can you explain why One plus one does not always Come to equal two?

Unnecessary Haiku 75/75 The price of gas is Fluctuating like the moods Of a teenage girl.

Potassium My cousin yawns like my grandpa and scratches her head like my grandma but that is probably because they raised her for the majority of her life. I can’t really think of any quirks I may have inherited from my parents. Maybe it’s because I’m not blood-related. Maybe it’s because I’m unique. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to imitate people who can remember the first time I ever shaved my legs and got razor-burn so bad that I couldn’t walk but they can’t remember the fact that I have never liked bananas. Even my cousin remembers I don’t like bananas.

I Read It On The Internet So It Must Be True [About The Author] I am a litigation partner with a Law firm in Chicago. I am a female body-builder. I am a map of the New England area

Of the United States. I am a fat, bulbous Man with a diastema and I Gained 40 pounds and went To Disney World. I mask myself as Big Bird when I go to the beach. I am a realtor for Century 21 in San Diego and I am a culinary Professional in Phoenix. In my spare time, I am A medal-winning diver in Great Britain. Google said so.