Where Are Your F@#%ing Values?

If you would take a moment and imagine me screaming the title of this post while jumping up and down on Oprah‟s couch like Tom Cruise before his fourth divorce, please do so now. This post is about values. And how seemingly nobody has them. And how that ruins everything. But before we get into that, let‟s go back to Tom Cruise for a second.

Where are your F@#%ing Values?!?!

One of my favorite movie openings is the beginning of Jerry Maguire. Tom Cruise plays the eponymous main character: a top sports agent who is beginning to question the ethics of his job. In the opening credits, we see Jerry question whether he is really representing the players‟ interests or whether he‟s just trying to get the biggest paycheck possible.

But developing strong core values are the foundation of lifelong happiness and fulfillment. It‟s about how to represent athletes in an ethical way. John Kerry). But an inherent flaw of democracy is that it rewards those who parrot what people want to hear rather than those who stand up for their core values (see: Mitt Romney. it sometimes punishes you.One night Jerry can‟t sleep. What begins as one page turns into 25 and soon. how they should put the players‟ health and happiness before money. And he‟s immediately fired. and senators who talk about family values but hire male prostitutes or get caught jerking off in an airport bathroom. he begins to “rediscover the simple pleasures of the job. What we get are presidents who talk about peace and go to war. He‟s revitalized and for the first time in years. In fact. excited for the future. They‟re the prerequisite for any . He writes about how agents should be obligated to their clients regardless of their physical condition. So Jerry gets up and begins writing a mission statement. Modern capitalist society sometimes doesn‟t reward having strong personal values. Everyone gripes about politicians and their lack of values. He believes they can set a new standard of how athletes are treated and dominate the industry by offering more ethical. The next morning. the sun comes up. Society rewards the valueless with superficial benefits. Jerry hands out copies of his new mission statement to everyone at his firm. As he writes.” and remember why he took it in the first place. holistic representation. His conscience won‟t let him.

When one lacks values. the smattering of four-letter words in all caps bulging out of the wall of text like zits on a teenager‟s face. romantic or otherwise. “This is going to be a mess.” I thought. In short.semblance of a healthy relationship. one is liable to get run over by other people. They‟re the compass that always points toward your life purpose. . The lack of punctuation. Before I read a word. screaming and screaming into the internet void. How to Screw Yourself Over in One Easy Step Recently I received an email from a friend. or sometimes even die for. Values are the ideals and standards that you live by. It repels people. Your values are what you‟re unwilling to give up despite what other people say or do. the horrible formatting. they‟re likely to base their feelings of success and worthiness based on how well they meet the needs of others and not the needs of themselves. regardless of external pressures or incentives. Men who exhibit Nice Guy Syndrome lack sturdy personal values. Values are the ideals and beliefs you‟re willing to fight for. This is codependent or needy behavior. they‟re awesome. People who suffer from weak boundaries tend to lack strong core values. And it invites all sorts of problems into your life. and you should know what yours are. When one lacks values. Rows of exclamation points and question marks running all over. I knew what I was in for: drama.

We dance/kissed/talked all night. evil. I want to reach through the computer screen. Shake him like you‟re not supposed to shake a baby. child-murdering. small-dicked. I‟m unable to summon sympathy for these types of situations. She was way into me. rapist who drank the blood of puppies and masturbated to episodes of Gilmore Girls — basically a terrible. she had gone back to her ex-boyfriend. I barely get halfway through the email before giving up. and I sure as hell hate it when other people do. I never like to proclaim „cure all‟ solutions for people.And it was. She was great. all that comes up these days is anger. and shake him. What do I do? How do I get her to respond?” . through the email. In fact. terrible human being. a guy who was (apparently) a horrible. For example… In the thousands of dating advice questions I‟ve gotten through the years. Shake him hard and then scream. It‟s like a magical bandage that fixes all wounds: having personal values and sticking to them. I texted her again to plan the date and never heard from her again. “Where are your fucking values!?!?” with a string of exclamations and question marks of my own. I texted her to ask her out. She said sure. through the frenzied exclamation marks and question marks. But this may be the closest thing I ever post to a cure all. The woman he had been dating didn‟t want to see him anymore. probably a solid 1/3 have been some variant of the following: “I met this girl. In fact.

Maybe they lost their phone. In their minds. Do nothing. this goes for you too. . Maybe if I text them a few more times they‟ll remember. or they‟re mixing them up with the other Dave they know and hate. Or there had to be a mistake. As you can imagine. have a great time. my answer was this: Nothing. And it‟s not fun to admit. this is insecure delusion.Ladies. Forget about them and meet someone else. I‟ve had plenty of female friends in this situation over the years as well: meet handsome guy. or they saved their name incorrectly. When you do this you are protecting your ego because the truth hurts. I get it. What should she do? For a long time. never hear from handsome guy ever again. there had to be some way to “get” her/him to respond to them. It‟s happened to me tons of times too. people really didn‟t like hearing this. It hurts to know that you liked someone more than they liked you. There was some secret or trick that they were missing. Staring at the phone isn‟t going to make her call you. In almost every single case.

so they don‟t do it to begin with. to their chagrin. Instead of chained to a cubicle. And you must be honest to yourself in these situations: they don‟t like you enough. I don‟t tolerate it. I skip explanation and go straight to indignation: Why would you ever put effort into seeing someone who has demonstrated they don‟t want to see you? Why on earth would you ever make time for someone who is unwilling to make time for you? Why should you make time in your schedule for them if they won‟t make time in their schedule for you? Where is your self-respect? If you sold guitars and someone said. This time from business: Many of the people who get into internet marketing and online business begin to make money and find that. „flakes‟ like this don‟t bother me anymore. I‟ve skipped even bothering with this advice. I point out that honesty begins with yourself. But recently.” would you follow them around and keep trying to sell it to them? No! You‟d be a dick. “I don‟t want to buy a guitar. Here‟s another example. And probably out of business too. . And no. And. in fact. It‟s as simple as that. they‟ve merely created another grind for themselves. I have a simple value in my life: I won’t make time for people who won’t make time for me. I get far fewer of them. because I make this value clear when I meet someone new. they‟re chained to a laptop and third-world countries because they can‟t afford to live anywhere else.In Models.

. and even though they may make good money here and there. Others perpetually start new ventures. Shitty career path. Awesome life for a year. Many of these entrepreneurs sell their businesses off within a few years and go get a desk job.They have to wake up. They built it on expediency and getting themselves enough income to leave as soon as possible. They suffer and stagnate because they haven‟t built the business on their personal values. They don‟t believe in what they do. merely to sustain their lifestyle of drinking cheap beer on beaches with anonymous backpackers and travelers who they‟ll never see again. they‟re never totally satisfied and they never feel any job security. work hours upon hours on a project that they don‟t care about. they lose interest or feel stuck. Therefore once they hit a plateau or get burnt out.

If you value people showing respect for your time from the beginning. but what about me? I don‟t have opportunities like that. and society is changing faster than ever before. not only is it easy to navigate those situations. But. if you value contribution in your business from the get-go. But maybe you‟re saying. I know. that sure sounds swell for you.Define Your Values The values that remedy the situations above are: I don‟t make time for people who don‟t make time for me. because you‟re doing something you believe in and that you believe helps the world. There are 7 billion people on this planet. you never find yourself in a position of aimless burnout. because you can come up with business ideas while you crap and hundreds of girls are clawing their wellmanicured fingernails out to get a date with you. but you‟re far less likely to end up in them in the first place. There will always be more opportunities. . And I invest my time and work on projects that I believe benefit myself and others. Always. For instance. There are more opportunities than people can take advantage of.” I know. this is another complaint that I‟ve lost sympathy for. It‟s true. When you decide those things for yourself. then you don‟t even bother getting phone numbers of women who aren‟t that excited to talk to you or who seem unreliable. “Gee whiz Mark.

You‟ll also develop more self-esteem and feel like less of an asshole all the time. and it will remove so much ambiguity from your life. They commit to a girl because she‟s the prettiest one who makes herself available.If one billion people can maintain their faith that some guy was born from a virgin and will one day come back to life to save them. Then stick to them. Make them concrete. They get a nice job out of college because that‟s what their parents always pressured them to do. no matter how attractive the other person is. at some point. I‟ve been having most of my consultationclients do this lately and it‟s been helping them a lot. then you can have faith that you will get another opportunity to go on a date on a Friday night. should sit down and hammer out some of these values for themselves. pulled in the direction of any external validation they get their hands on. . 1. It will make your decision-making so much easier. They start a business project so they can get enough money to match their friends‟ purchases. Stop hating on yourself and open your eyes. These are things you are unwilling of compromising on. This is why I think everybody. Relationship Values Take five minutes and write down the values that define your relationships. They deal with manipulative and disrespectful behavior from their partner because they‟re afraid of being single again. People who do not define their values concretely end up drifting around in life.

Just keeping the three values above will end any worry you have about people flaking on you. . do not forget to take care of yourself. Etc. Some examples: I believe in earning money by providing tangible benefits to society. As your ability to set .no matter how much sex you have with them. This is possibly the most important set of values. Personal Values And of course. 2. Professional Values Take five minutes to write down the values that define your career and how you make money. And you will no longer make yourself miserable spending time with someone just because they like you. these are ideals that are more important to you than any outward experience. I will not spam people or convince them to buy something that I do not believe is in their best interest. to the best of my knowledge. I will not spend time with people who I do not enjoy being around. Some examples: I do not make time for people who do not make time for me. It will end any worry you have about people testing you. I will not tolerate disrespectful business relationships or unethical deals for the sole purpose of more money. I do not tolerate being disrespected and will stand up for myself. Etc. 3.

He framed his relationship with her as something casual and on-the-side so he could continue pursuing other women. he engaged and validated her manipulative behavior. He regularly blew her off and ignored her in favor of opportunities to meet other people. Some examples: I will take care of my personal health and hygiene. Etc. he knew she was still involved with her ex. When he started dating the woman. As I shot off a quick tough love email to my friend it was clear he got to this position by tolerating such behavior. I will not get overly angry or critical of myself — I will meet my own flaws with compassion. For one. . On the podcast with T last week. But I stopped reading primarily because I have developed a low tolerance for the kind of thinking it exhibited. I didn‟t finish my friend‟s entire email. it was such a garbled mess that reading was a strain on the eyes. When she was dramatic and falsely claimed her ex-boyfriend had raped her to get him to become jealous.expectations and interact with others begins with how you set expectations and interact with yourself. Making Your Own Bed As I said. Yet he didn‟t do anything. but toxic relationships can also happen simply by tolerating the manipulative and negative behavior. he made the point that toxic relationships don‟t just occur because you engage the negative or manipulative behavior.

He made his bed. He‟s my friend. It sucks to see a friend upset. and I don‟t. no sympathy. None.So. Sympathize? Sure. I will not be dragged into his drama. not tolerating it. This situation was entirely of your making. Take responsibility. And the fact that I set them and he doesn‟t is exactly why he ends up in these situations. Not only did his lack of clear values fail to define his relationship with her — allowing him to become far more emotionally attached than he realized — but his tolerance of her manipulative behavior also led to him being hurt by her. You‟re responsible for handling your own emotions. but those boundaries between him and me are non-negotiable. He was lying in it. That is one of my values. And my quick reply? Sorry. Not me or anybody else. Advice? Of course. no. . But I will not validate his self-inflicted pain.

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