Knight’s Twelve By Dave Dornbrack

Based on: William Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night

(C) David Dornbrack Productions 23 August 2008


INT.CAR AT PETROL STATION SEBASTIAN, 19, IS DRIVING A CAR AND HIS TWIN SISTER VIOLA IS SITTING IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. THEY PULL INTO A PETROL STATION. IT IS AROUND 6.30, WINTER TIME. SEBASTIAN I’ll be right back, sis, I’m just going to buy some cigarettes. VIOLA Be careful, Seb, this is a strange town. SEBASTIAN Nothing’s going to happen to me, V. Don’t worry.


EXT.STATION SEBASTIAN parks the car and gets out. He walks into the 24 hour shop and is standing at the counter when a HOODED THUG, 20, runs into the store with a pistol.


INT.CAR AT PETROL STATION II VIOLA Shit! What the fuck is going on in there?


INT.STATION THUG (to cashier) Put your fucking hands up, asshole! The CASHIER puts his hands up, but SEBASTIAN whirls around. The THUG gets a huge fright and mistakenly fires his weapon at SEBASTIAN, who falls to the ground.





EXT.STATION II THUG Holy shit... The THUG runs away. VIOLA jumps into the driver’s seat and takes off like lightning.


EXT.ORSINO’S STREET VIOLA’S CAR PULLS UP IN THE STREET AND SEES A SIGN ON THE HOUSE. "MALE HOUSE-MATE WANTED. AGE PREFERABLY BETWEEN 18 AND 23. CALL ORSINO ON 0847518632. CHEAP RATES" VIOLA looks at the sign carefully. VIOLA I could pass as a guy... She takes her cell-phone out and calls the number. F2B.


INT.OLIVIA’S LODGINGS It is late outside. We see ANDREW and FABIAN, both 21, drinking up a storm in their room and playing AC/DC’s HIGHWAY TO HELL. FABIAN is dancing like a madman and ANDREW is lying on his bed. There is a knock at the door and the door is opened. MALVOLIO, 30, comes into the room. He gestures wildly for FABIAN to turn down the music, which he does. ANDREW What the fuck do you want, Malvolio? MALVOLIO For you to get the fuck out of this house, Andrew, that’s what! ANDREW Not gonna happen.. MALVOLIO I know. So my second best plan is to get you guys to turn your damn music down! It’s ten ’o clock at night!




FABIAN Stuff you, Mal. ANDREW Yeah, piss off. MALVOLIO I’m calling Toby. He’s gonna kick you little faggots out. MALVOLIO leaves and FABIAN turns the music back up. (beat) The door is blasted open and a large man, TOBY, 36, is standing at the door. TOBY (shouts) What the hell are you guys making such a noise in my niece’s B and B for? ANDREW Sorry, sir.. TOBY I meant, why the hell didn’t you tell ME you were having a party! Got any beer left, fellows? FABIAN Awe! FABIAN hands TOBY a beer from the fridge and the scene fades with the music loud once again and MALVOLIO is angrily shaking his head outside the window. 9 INT.ORSINO’S HOUSE, MORNING ORSINO, 22, is sitting by himself watching television when there is a knock on the door. It is about 10am outside. ORSINO (shouts) Come in, son, the door’s unlocked! VIOLA enters the room as CESARIO, her male counterpart who always fakes a deep voice.




CESARIO Hey, my name’s Cesario. ORSINO I’m Orsino. How old you, son? Where you from? CESARIO Twenty. I’m not actually from this part of town... ORSINO I see. Well you seem a swell guy, I’m sure we can live well together and seldom argue. It’s 2 thousand a month. CESARIO When must I pay by? ORSINO The 25th, which gives you.. ORSINO looks at his watch. ORSINO Fourteen days. Where’s your stuff? CESARIO In my car. I can carry it by myself, don’t worry. ORSINO Sho buddy, check ya later. ORSINO goes back to watching television. 10 EXT.ORSINO’S HOUSE CESARIO is seen dragging a ridiculously heavy bag by herself. She grimaces and keeps pulling. 11 INT.OLIVIA’S_HANGOVER TOBY, ANDREW and FABIAN are all lying on ANDREW’s queen-size bed, groaning in agony. TOBY Jesus Christ, you guys can drink.




ANDREW Ow, my fucking head. Fuck! What say you, Fabian? FABIAN One of us should call Maria, this place looks a goddamn pigsty. TOBY Who’s Maria? ANDREW The maid who cleans down here. She’s quite pretty, actually. MALVOLIO bursts into the room, laughing as loudly as he can. MALVOLIO Ha ha ha, had a rough night, you bastards? MALVOLIO walks over to their stereo and turns it on full volume, playing THUNDERSTRUCK by AC/DC. TOBY MALVOLIO!!! TURN THAT OFF YOU SLIMY MOTHERFUCKER!! MALVOLIO Toby? Oh, fuck. MALVOLIO turns it off and runs away. TOBY That little fuck. I’d like to pound his ass senseless, but my niece loves him so for all his ways. ANDREW If only she knew what an asshole he was... FABIAN He’s a good butler though. To her, that is. MARIA, 33, enters the building with a broom and mop. TOBY Holy shit, she is hot.




ANDREW Told ya.. MARIA What the hell did you guys get up to last night? TOBY We’re madmen. TOBY gets out of bed and promptly begins to help MARIA clean the room. ANDREW and FABIAN roll their eyes. 12 INT.ORSINO’S ROOM CESARIO enters ORSINO’s room. CESARIO You wanted to see me? ORSINO Sure. I was going to say that I may have thought of a way you can stay without paying. CESARIO Yes? ORSINO I need to tell you a secret. You must act as my middleman in the procurement of my secret. I’ve known you for twelve days, can I trust you, Cesario? CESARIO Of course. ORSINO There’s this chick, Olivia, that lives towards the west. She also runs a guest house. I met her at a party last year and confess to having wanted her to this day. CESARIO Did she have a boyfriend? ORSINO Yes, but I heard he recently left. Now is my chance. I need you to be my messenger, buddy. If what you do (MORE) (CONTINUED)



ORSINO (cont’d) can result in me getting her, you can stay here for free. CESARIO Shot man, I’ll be sure to do it. ORSINO That’s my boy. They shake hands and CESARIO leaves. 13 INT.OLIVIA’S HOUSE OLIVIA, 24, walks to her door and looks through the peephole. CESARIO is seen outside. OLIVIA (to herself) Wow, who’s this hot guy knocking on my door? She opens the door and motions CESARIO inside. OLIVIA Who are you? CESARIO Cesario. I am here to bring you a message. Do you know a man named Orsino Duke? OLIVIA Oh, God. Do I? Yeah, what does he want this time? CESARIO Just to talk to you. Please. It’s really important to me that you do, as well. OLIVIA Well, maybe. As a special favour to you I might just do that. Give him my number and we’ll arrange a date some time. OLIVIA gives CESARIO a page with a number written on it. CESARIO Bye, then. Thank you..




OLIVIA Hope to see you again.. CESARIO leaves OLIVIA in a trance-like state. OLIVIA Wow. I haven’t felt anything like that since i met Jarred. And look where that ended up. I don’t even know where he is right now. 14 INT.ORSINO’S LOUNGE CESARIO enters, where ORSINO is once again watching television. ORSINO Get her number? CESARIO Yeah. She hands him the number. ORSINO Thanks, son. God, I hope this works. 15 INT.OLIVIA’S_PARTY ROOM ANDREW, FABIAN and FESTE, 22, a silly-looking guy, are playing cards and drinking. They are playing SUMMER OF 69 by BRYAN ADAMS. MALVOLIO enters. MALVOLIO Thanks for inviting me, you bastards. And turn that gay music off. ANDREW Fuck off, dipshit. MALVOLIO I’m telling you, Mistress Olivia is not going to stand for this. I wish i could kick you faggots back in time to the real summer of ’69. FABIAN You know, Mal, you are a prize cunt. Get out of here. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MALVOLIO leaves. ANDREW We could use some company.. FABIAN What, you want to play with that faggot? ANDREW No, I’m actually wondering where Toby is. I’m going to look for him.


ANDREW leaves the room. We follow him as he walks to TOBY’s room. The door is not quite shut. He opens it silently and sees TOBY inside making out with MARIA. He quickly closes the door. ANDREW (to himself) Wow. Damn. 16 INT.OLIVIA’S_PARTY ROOM II ANDREW Get this! He was pulling the moves on Maria! FESTE FABIAN (simeltaneously) Wow. Damn. ANDREW Yeah. Let’s play a bit, then we’ll see what Miss Olivia is up to as well. 17 INT.OLIVIA’S BEDROOM CESARIO Please. I implore you. OLIVIA He wants to come over tomorrow? Are you serious? CESARIO Just do it. Please. Just this once. A lot depends on this for me.


CONTINUED: OLIVIA Seriously? CESARIO Yes. I can pay you back.. in other ways. I ’m desperately short of money, but I can do.. other things. OLIVIA (voice-over) Hmm, other things? I know exactly what sort of other things I’d like to do to you.. OLIVIA Yes, man. I’ll do what you say. There are ways you can pay me back.


OLIVIA reaches to kiss CESARIO, who instinctively turns her face so that she kisses her on the cheek instead. CESARIO I must go. OLIVIA Something wrong, babe? CESARIO Uh...not feeling well. I’ll come back tomorrow, OK? CESARIO hurriedly leaves. OLIVIA (to herself) Damn. I’m sure he will warm up to me sooner or later. And I don’t even know what time Orsino is coming. God, I hope he doesn’t stay too long.. ANDREW comes into the room. ANDREW Who was that I heard leaving just now? OLIVIA This guy I like. Wow, he’s hot. ANDREW (crestfallen) Okay... He coming back?




OLIVIA Yeah. Tomorrow. I hope I didn’t scare him... ANDREW Don’t worry, Miss Olivia. You’ll be just fine. I’m sure he likes you.. OLIVIA Thanks, Andrew... We follow ANDREW out as he mutters to himself and shakes his head. ANDREW Boy, my chances of getting laid around here are disappearing with each passing second... 18 INT.ANDREW’S ROOM TOBY comes bursting in on FABIAN, ANDREW and FESTE playing their music loudly as usual. TOBY You know, I’ve HAD it from that motherfucker Malvolio! He’s the world’s biggest fucking faggot! ANDREW Yeah... FABIAN You know what.. The only way to get rid of that slimeball is to get Miss Olivia to throw him out.. ANDREW An idea has started sprouting in my head! TOBY Yes? ANDREW Toby, go into her room and steal her phone. Just for ten minutes. I know what I’m doing. TOBY Okay.. But you better explain later... (CONTINUED)



TOBY leaves. (beat) TOBY returns with Olivia’s phone and hands it to ANDREW. 19 INT.OLIVIA’S KITCHEN MALVOLIO is seen filling an empty bottle of Russian Bear Vodka with water. He constantly looks around to see if anyone is watching. When it is two-thirds full he walks to the cupboard and puts the bottle on the shelf next to an actual bottle of Russian and takes the original bottle. He moves the fake bottle on to the spot the original one stood and we see him chuckling as he walks toward his room. As he walks in his cellphone vibrates. He puts his phone and vodka on a desk, pours himself a glass and begins to read. MALVOLIO "Dear Malvolio, my awesome butler. I need you to do me a favour tomorrow. I’m going to be seeing my boyfriend tomorrow. I want to get rid of this guy ASAP because I have found he’s quite an abusive person. You must come to the table dressed in your wildest clothes and a mad look on your face. Look like an absolute madman and scare him away. If you do that, you shall prove yourself worthy of my love. Your lady, Olivia". My god. Miss Olivia, your wish is my command. He starts drinking his glass of vodka and falls back on his bed with a huge smile. 20 INT.ANDREW’S ROOM II Andrew leans back on his own bed in a very similar pose. ANDREW Heh heh heh. TOBY Okay, so tell me what you just did.




A person with short hair and a cap is seen walking down the street. At first glance he appears to resemble CESARIO, but when we look closer it is SEBASTIAN, apparently back from the dead. SEBASTIAN looks at Olivia’s B and B sign. SEBASTIAN Well I might as well try this one. He rings the doorbell and OLIVIA comes to the door and looks through the peephole. 22 INT.OLIVIA’S FOYER OLIVIA (to herself) Oh my God. He’s back. OLIVIA Hello, sexy. She pulls him inside and starts making out with him right off the bat. He doesn’t question this and responds with enthusiasm. OLIVIA (between kissing Sebastian) I know you’re here to tell you something, Cesario. But that can wait. SEBASTIAN (voice-over) Wonder how the hell she knows my middle name. They go to OLIVIA’s bedroom. 23 INT.FABIAN’S ROOM FABIAN looks on as ORSINO comes walking down the street and also sees CESARIO several metres behind him. ORSINO does not appear to be aware of CESARIO’s presence. FABIAN quickly runs out his room and we follow him as he runs into ANDREW’s. (CONTINUED)



ANDREW What the fuck? FABIAN You said I must call you if anyone comes to visit Olivia today. Orsino is here. ANDREW Orsino? Fuck. ANDREW runs out and goes to OLIVIA’s room where the door is half open again. He looks inside and sees SEBASTIAN and OLIVIA in a highly suggestive pose. ANDREW Fuck! Again! FABIAN What, bra? ANDREW She’s fucking that guy I told Malvolio about and I thought they were gonna stay for lunch. And Orsino’s here now with another guy who looks rather like that one. FABIAN Jesus. The doorbell rings. 24 INT.OLIVIA AND SEBASTIAN SEBASTIAN I think someone’s here to see you. OLIVIA They picked a really bad time.. SEBASTIAN You’re telling me. Come, I’ll chase them away. OLIVIA No, please don’t do anything rash.. SEBASTIAN Okay..




OLIVIA Just hide. 25 INT.PASSAGES OLIVIA and SEBASTIAN, now fully clothed, run around the house passages. SEBASTIAN hides behind the couch while OLIVIA answers the door. OLIVIA Orsino? ORSINO Yes, you invited me for lunch. OLIVIA ... ORSINO Bad time? OLIVIA No, no! Come in, I’ll just get Malvolio to bring us some food.. 26 INT.MALVOLIO’S ROOM MALVOLIO has gelled his long hair straight and put black face-paint over his eyes. He looks like a frightening madman. His buzzer beeps. He laughs and presses the button. OLIVIA (voice-over) Malvolio, I have a friend here. Be a dear and get me some cheese and crackers, please? MALVOIO laughs and walks out the room. He walks to the kitchen and takes the cheese out. 27 INT.LUNCH ORSINO and OLIVIA are sitting at OLIVIA’s table. SEBASTIAN is hiding in the same room. CESARIO is seen watching them through the window. MALVOLIO comes bursting through the room and screams at the top of his voice, brandishing a knife at ORSINO.




ORSINO OLIVIA (simultaneously) What... SEBASTIAN The... 28 EXT.SPYING CESARIO FUCK? 29 INT.LUNCH MAYHEM Everything happens at once. CESARIO comes bursting through the room, OLIVIA screams, ORSINO gets up, MALVOLIO looks stunned and SEBASTIAN stands up. TOBY comes flying through the room and takes one look at MALVOLIO. TOBY Right, you little drunk faggot, explain yourself. MALVOLIO Olivia told me to do this.. OLIVIA (shouts) No, I fucking didn’t, you madman! TOBY I’ve heard enough. TOBY drags MALVOLIO out the room by his neck. 30 INT.BATHROOM MALVOLIO comes flying through the room and TOBY is clearly the one who threw him. TOBY takes the key and locks MALVOLIO in, who pounds on the door. 31 INT.PASSAGES II MARIA, ANDREW and FABIAN come running just as TOBY exits the bathroom. He signals them to follow him and they all run to the...



INT.LIVING ROOM It is madness. OLIVIA’s eyes are darting between CESARIO and SEBASTIAN. SEBASTIAN is pointing at CESARIO with a shocked look on his face. ORSINO is also staring at CESARIO. TOBY, ANDREW, FABIAN and MARIA come in, interrupting the tension. OLIVIA CESARIO SEBASTIAN ORSINO (all simultaneously) What the FUCK? MARIA TOBY FABIAN ANDREW (all simultaneously) HUH? CESARIO (shouts) I CAN EXPLAIN! She takes her cap off and shakes her long hair out. Everyone looks stunned. VIOLA (as herself) I’m a chick, for God’s sake! That’s my twin brother Sebastian! I thought you were dead! SEBASTIAN When that guy shot at me he missed. I figured he was so nervous the best I could do is fall down and play dead. I hoped you would run. And clearly, you did. ORSINO So all this time, I’ve had a chick living in my house? A pretty hot one at that..


CONTINUED: VIOLA Yes. I thought you might hit me if I came across as a gay guy though. ORSINO I’m no homophobe.. VIOLA Yeah. VIOLA goes and hugs SEBASTIAN, then runs to ORSINO. OLIVIA Your name is Sebastian? And you REALLY are a guy? SEBASTIAN Fuck yes. You saw that today. OLIVIA Guess I did. Come here. SEBASTIAN walks over and stands by OLIVIA. TOBY I guess everyone should know about us, too. TOBY stands and hugs MARIA. ANDREW Um.. I already knew about that. So everyone’s happy. FABIAN Yes. Very.


ANDREW and FABIAN shake their heads as they see the three couples in the living room. 33 INT.FINALE FESTE is blowing raspberries through the door at MALVOLIO. MALVOLIO Fuck you, Feste! Bashing is heard on the door. FESTE Hey Mal, did you know that Listerine is 96% alcohol?




MALVOLIO Really? MALVOLIO is heard dashing to the cabinet and grabbing it. A few gulping sounds are heard. (beat) MALVOLIO is heard vomiting his guts out into the toilet and bashing his fists on the seat. MALVOLIO FESTE!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! THE END

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