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FATSHION: A TRULY RIDICULOUS Number Of Cute Plus-Size Swimsuits To Jam Your Excellent Fat Ass Into This Summer

My memories of my personal swimwear history are curiously specif ic -- I can recall many of my childhood suits with precise clarity, which might not be too surprising if I hadn’t grown up in South Florida, in a house with a pool, such that I owned and wore swimsuits like people who live in less tropical parts of the country own and wear socks. One suit in particular stands out, the suit I thought of as my f irst grown-up suit, bought on a weekend visit with my mom. It was the late 80s --I was probably about 10 or 11 -- and the socalled “French cut” suit was a big deal -- those suits with the leg openings cut high, sometimes right up to the hips (American Apparel, among others, has remade this as hipster chic in recent years). MY suit was a one-piece, black with hot pink pin The las t time I wo re a o ne -s ho uld e re d dots, and then big honking hot pink ruf f les arcing over those high-cut leg openings and my more or less nonexistent bust.

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Man, I wore that suit and strutted around summer camp like I was the absolute shit. In retrospect, I probably looked ridiculous, but I will never f orget how awesome my super f ashionable on-trend suit made me f eel -- like a GLAMOROUS LADY waiting in line f or the waterslide and then later weaving my plastic lanyard f riendship bracelets in the devastating Florida summer heat. Apparently, when it comes to swimwear, my taste has not changed much, hovering today about one step down f rom “deranged grandma at the community pool” and probably on a level with what clowns would wear to the beach. I am still not a Glamorous Lady. But I do have some decidedly f un swimsuits f or you. (Note: A bunch of these are f rom Swimsuits For All because they are DEST ROYING EVERYT HING with their selection this year, but I want to make clear that they did not send me anything f or f ree to make me give them so much attention. Although I am bound to say that T HEY REALLY OUGHT T O af ter this post because y’all are gonna descend upon their site like so many greedy lardy vultures. I ST ILL haven’t f orgiven you guys f or buying

it has one negative review that says. but whatever. Actually I probably have none except f or this one: never buy a white swimsuit if you plan on getting it wet. Generally speaking. badass you! But I am not. You have to admire it. Now’s the part where I throw that rule right out the window because LOOK AT T HIS SUIT: ARE YOU DYING LIKE I AM? It’s called the Marilyn Monroe Rose Cross Back Swimdress and the only way I would love it more is if the leaf y bits were actually green. My mom had a super hip white swimsuit back in the day that was way awesome until she hit the ocean and then it became a little. But WAIT: ask yourself . . or are the narrow limitations imposed upon your mind by an awesomenessoppressive culture only making you T HINK it is horrif ying? Because I think it is GREAT and also that I am a ST YLE GENUIS f or thinking so. “T here is a sheer like material underneath that does nothing but let the f at jiggle. in s iz e s 18 to 24. transparent. uh.out that Yours Clothing cartoon-print dress bef ore I got one. I can sense your horror. yes. WHAT IS LEFT ? Sadly it Marilyn Mo nro e Ro s e Cro s s Bac k Swimd re s s . so as to not repeat the cartoon-print heartbreak of my last f atshion post. Here’s hoping the rose suit is lined enough that transparency is not a problem.” and I am all up in here going YEAH T HE FAT JIGGLIN’. SPEAKING OF SWIMDRESSES: I know. Now if you are looking f or a transparent swimsuit. especially when they’re adorable and retro-y like this one. I know most people on earth hate swimdresses BUT I LIKE T HEM. WHICH I have already ordered as my swimwear f or this year.) I don’t have many f ashion rules I hold to. rage on. is this suit ACT UALLY horrif ying.a one-shouldered leopard-print f lowered bandeau sheath shirred swimdress. $ 88. T his is a suit that leaves no stone unturned -. And. On the up side.

in s iz e s 10 to 24 . you might want to move f ast bef ore they sell out.swimdress. I know some of Le o p ard Tro p ic al O ne -Sho uld e r Swimd re s s . I am not usually an ombre f an but f or some reason I really love this suit -I just wish it wasn’t a one-shoulder deal because I always f eel weirdly of f -balance in them. Like I'm carrying an invisible messenger bag that is f illed with my whole body. $ 68. Her stylized-peacockprint bikini separates come in orange and turquoise and are currently on sale. WHAT IS LEFT ? Sadly it has no reviews. so if you’re f ence sitting. Right now you’re probably thinking DUDE WHERE ARE T HE BIKINIS? OKAY I’M DOING IT. probably because everyone who’s bought it has tried it on and been immediately assumed into the special FABULOUS HEAVEN. T he halter tops and high-waisted bottoms are sold separately so you can get a gorgeous f it. And bonus? T HAT T OP HAS AN UNDERWIRE IN IT. Monif C kills at swimwear every f reaking year and this year is no exception. SPEAKING OF ONE-SHOULDERED SUIT S: Big ups to f atshion blogger Amanda of Fashion Love and Martinis f or buying this ombre oneshoulder tank hotness and putting it on Instagram so I knew it existed.

UNDERWIRE IN IT. For those of you who like a little more bottom-coverage but are still down with the bikini idea in theory. In other f atkini news: unf ortunately. $ 59 (c urre ntly o n s ale fro m $ 99). Lane Bryant has you hooked up on this with these shimmer dot bikini separates. as I predicted. It looks like the standout galaxy-print bikini is still in stock in a 22. in s iz e s 10 to 24 . but I can’t really know what it’s like f or you as I am not especially well endowed with breasty parts. but I doubt it’ll be around f or long. T hat said. T he top is actually sized Lo ng itud e O mb re O ne Sho uld e r Tank Swims uit. Or maybe just wear a bikini that basically looks like lingerie. I know some of you have substantial booosoms that must be accounted f or in swimwear purchases. Fortunately they’ve still got the neon bikinis in lime and hot pink -and the bottoms on these suits are cleverly convertible f rom a highwaisted af f air to a skirty bit. even I love a swimwear underwire so I imagine this will be happy knowledge to many of you. much of GabiFresh’s keenly anticipated swimwear collection sold out in a second. this Joe Browns blanket-striped bikini-shorts combo might be a satisf actory compromise (I would personally counsel you against the pictured hipster headbelt accessory? But that’s just me).

so ostensibly if you know you’re down with a certain Lane Bryant bra size then getting one of these to f it should be an easy ef f ort. or maybe you’re just more a tankini person. Many of my f avorite suits over the years in Mo nif C Sao Paulo Swim Se p arate s . On the other hand. Maybe it’s my long and f leshy torso but I was yanking that shit down ALL DAY LONG like f reaking Captain Picard. only-slightly-grandma-ish f loral tankini top f rom Land’s End: Okay.mostly because they seem like they’d be easier to go f or a pee in -but I never could quite get there. I have shopped f or tankinis f or you EVEN T HOUGH I WILL NEVER WEAR ONE. so it's sorta reminiscent of a bedspread. Like this vintage-y. it has an underwire in it! And given that Land’s End legitimately makes the best swimwear in the universe this is a pretty sure bet. I spent a couple summers trying to be a tankini person myself -.like a bra. but I like the juxtaposition. in s iz e s 16W to 24W . Maybe you need an interval suit to get there. and I’m here to assure you that’s T OTALLY OK. I know not all of you are on the f atkini train. Nevertheless.

But a littleknown FASHION SECRET is that you can put polka dots on pretty much anything and I will instantly want to wear it. y’know. and I vowed years ago never to buy another black swimsuit. f inding a non-f umpy one-piece suit is almost as hard as f inding a swimdress that doesn’t suck (hey does anyone remember SPARKLEBOOBS?). In any other print this style would look totally unappealing to me. WIT NESS: Exhibit A: ASOS red and white polka dot wide-strap belted tank. Exhibit B: T his navy polka-dotted ruched tank. like this obligatory but nevertheless adorable cherry-print keyhole top: Or this pink mesh top. in s iz e s 10-24 . Heh. bottoms. which needs to GET OUT with that ruf f le: And a variety of bottoms to pair them with. But I still really like navy! It's so NAUT ICAL! G ab iFre s h fo r s 4a Yo g a Bikini.f avorite suits over the years in terms of f it have come f rom Land’s End -. I know navy is like barely a step up f rom black so f ar as swimsuit colors are concerned. $ 68.I just wish their suits were. but the polka dots make it. cuter? A little more diverse in style? And generally more obnoxious? Torrid has a couple of more trendy tankini options as well. For the old-f ashioned tank-lovers among us.

K. I’m actually sick of looking at them. Special note to those who wear extended sizes. J o e Bro wns Strip e d Bikini Se t. and also back to Swimwear For All again. greatbigfats! Several of the above suits go up to a 26 or 28. At this point I am pretty sure that I’ve included just about every cute plus size swimsuit on T HE WHOLE INT ERNET.A. in s iz e s 8 to 28 . which makes gorgeous swimwear up to a 6x. Somebody else should buy it. allow me to point you at Love Your Peaches. What do you think? Do you like any of them? Have I lost my mind? Also why am I so inexplicably drawn to oneshouldered suits right now? Tell me all your swimwear-related hopes and dreams in comments.really like navy! It's so NAUT ICAL! Exhibit C: T HIS WILL NEVER FIT ME because it's junior plus sized. A. but it is seriously so f reaking adorable. It's pretty cheap too. which has suits up to a 34 and can be sorted by size. $ 58. which I wouldn’t have thought possible. but if you need bigger.

b o tto ms to a s iz e 28 . to p s to 44DDD.Lane Bryant Shimme r Do t Swim Se p arate s .

Land ' s End Flo ral Und e rwire Tankini To p . $ 35 (o n s ale fro m $ 69). in s iz e s 16W to 26W .

in s iz e s 0X to 4X .Blac k Che rry Tankini Swim To p . $ 34 (o n s ale fro m $ 49).

in s iz e s 0X to 4X .Pink Me s h Do t Tankini Swim To p . $ 34 (o n s ale fro m $ 49).

in s iz e s 14 to 22 . $ 42.ASO S Curve Exc lus ive Sp o t Swims uit.

Marilyn Mo nro e Navy Po lka Do t Ruc he d Swims uit. in s iz e s 18 to 24 . $ 88.

Fo re ve r 21 Po lka Do t O ne -Pie c e . in junio r s iz e s XL to 3X . $ 28.

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