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if you take your bike. you decide you want a bag of circus peanuts and some cream soda from the corner store a few blocks away. On a boring Saturday afternoon. turn to page 3. ere’s no reason to worry that anything extreme or dangerous will happen on the way. MISCARRIAGES OF JUSTICE THE TRAGEDY OF THE FORD PINTO CENTER SPREAD: POSTSECRET CONFESSIONS INTERVIEW: LANCE ARMSTRONG ADVICE FROM A PROFESSIONAL PICKUP ARTIST A TRAGIC SUICIDE NOTE LIST PAGE: SUICIDE TACTICS MCDONALD’S FOOD OSAMA’S NETFLIX SHORT SCENES OF NEUROSES AND TRAGEDY DOCUMENT: BLACK HAWK DOWN 2 TRAGEDY: THE GOAT SONG DOCUMENT: ANGRY LETTER TO NAZIS THE LAST WORKS OF DECEASED SCREENWRITERS NOT SO TRAGIC ADVERTISEMENT: WESTSIDE MARKET. home for the summer and idling your days away. turn to page 2.CONTENTS INSIDE COVER: PAGE 1: PAGE 2: PAGE 3: PAGE 4: PAGE 5: PAGE 6: PAGE 7: PAGE 8: PAGE 9: PAGE10: PAGE 11: PAGES 12-13: PAGE 14: PAGE 15: PAGE 16: PAGE 17: PAGE 18: PAGE 19: PAGE 20: PAGE 21: PAGE 22: PAGE 23: PAGE 24 INSIDE COVER: E-DOCUMENT: MONSTERTRAK LISTING THIS THING LETTERS TO THE EDITOR EDITAURUS WHERE WERE YOU WHEN LINCOLN WAS SHOT? DOCUMENT: REJECTED MAKE-A-WISH PLEA DOCUMENT: GUS VAN SANT’S FIRST ELEPHANT LIST PAGE: BAD INTERVIEW TACTICS WHY YOU WON’T GET LAID DOCUMENT: REJECTED TRAGIC SCREENPLAY. FUTURE SEX IN THE NEXT JESTER… DRAFT SPECIAL FEATURE: FOLLOW ALONG IN OUR CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE STORY: You are an average college student. “I SHOULDN’T BE ALIVE!” . Do you decide to walk to the store or do you take your brand new bike? If you decide to walk. BANGLADESH TOURISM BOARD TRAGIC SKETCH BERTRAND RUSSELL VISITS A PLAYGROUND.

spreading the suffering throughout one’s entire life. RIMSHOT! Anyway. killing it instantly. Noche first ran away. With the possible exception of eggs consumed in omelet form. Your wrist hurts like fuck and now your cat is dead and the worst part is you won’t even get to keep the damn meteorite because your parents are renting this house while your real house is renovated. You don’t have time to think about this because you’re pretty sure your fucking wrist might be broken and you need to get to the hospital. In your recent Varsity Show program. Wilson Paul Dizard. that made less sense than the letter above it. Our apologies to the family. oh god. six years ago. they are not a Meal. I’m still a person. If you call an ambulance. A small meteorite unexpectedly crashes through the roof of your house. GAHHH. Others claim that he died of natural causes. at egg does indeed explode in yr mouth like so much ejaculate would. Look. and then screamed for help and blew her rape horn.” and “Nut”) refused to be taken. His body is currently on display at the Museum of Natural History.yahoo. -Jester D THE BLUE AND WHITE. get it? Dinosaur. By the end of herself. Unfortunately. we are not the Blue and White. 78. that just happened to me.Jester You choose to walk to the store. but then decided to slurp out all of that red liquid. e Baron died after being poisoned at birth with a toxin manufactured to slowly kill its victims at the same rate as natural aging. striking you in the wrist and then hitting your cat in the head. not an egg. 24. Sincerely. the Night decided to fight back. She struck down every college woman that tried to grab her with an impressive punch or kick. With her back to the wall and the crowd closing in. angry about missing breakfast. and when one of them is undercooked because you added it after the other two.com/s/ap/20080410/ap_on_fe_st/indonesia_lungless_frog Don’t frogs like hear through their skin? Whatever. Collins sucked the poison out himself.” How could you be so disrespectful? Dear reader. Holland crept up beside the bed of Vice President Dick Cheney and pulled the plug. if you decide “fuck the hospital” and still want those circus peanuts. Eggs do not constitute a meal. D . to no avail. bouncing off the radiator. Cheney. So I recently made myself some eggs. turn to page 4. as a vaguely salty gooey by-product of the reproductive process for something closer to a dinosaur than a cock. smashing through the TV set.” e Night (also known as “La Noche. Ha. 31. not a hospital. And you know what? Motherfucking eggs man. Dizard. Ancient. Died: Alexei Novshinski. He managed to remove the poison. . I made 3 of these eggs right here. turn to page 5. shouting “No!” with each blow. hunted down and ate Holland himself. Please address your complaint elsewhere. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! -Wall-E Clearly. e Night stood proudly over the fallen would-be violators and continued on her merry way.LETTERS TO THE EDITOR DEATHS & THINGS Died: Baron von Struffen. I will say this once as much as I will say it twice and a third and a fourth time after that: YOU CANNOT GET FULL BY CONSUMING EGGS. I am sorry for your troubles. Despite an army of Barnard and Columbia women advancing on her with police escort in an attempt to “take her back. After being bit by a deadly asp. and Holland ended up only unplugging his alarm clock. the first letters of the questions in the Varsity Show writers’ interview spelled the word “SHITDICK. but although our last magazine was largely blue and white colored. We forgot to publish this news. 2 JESTER OF COLUMBIA . Resisted Rape: e Night. it’s not what you’re all thinking. Died: Jon Holland. at was about 3 minutes ago. Cheney was sleeping in his normal bed. Died: Joe Collins. I’m pretty sure I saw two Columbus newsanchors laughing about evolution after doing a 10 second clip about the lungless frog of Indonesia http://news. Some call it the most torturous of deaths. No. and the owner of the house will sue for the meteorite because technically it landed on his property. FUCK EGGS. IV.

the tires on your bike inexplicably burst into flames! is happens just as you crest a large hill.“JESTER” VOL. might I say. shred them. So as you finger these pages. thou art a slippery beast. MLK NO. “I gotsta keep deez monies up in this. 3 . money.COM.” As a Jew. and so you are unable to stop your downward momentum.” Money: the root of all evil? Nay! Perhaps the trunk or the delicious. I am no ant. In an ever expanding universe. if you think you’re gonna make it. As treasurer of this fine magazine. Not everyone understands how much money goes into each of these pages. O riches. succulent fruit. “‫םולש‬. DIRECT SUBMISSIONS. Money is an effervescent delight. As you fly down the hill on your flaming bicycle. VIEWS. If you give up at this point and decide to die. ESTABLISHED 1901. ANY SIMILARITIES TO ACTUAL PEOPLE. ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE. turn to page 15. the my slender epidermis. you think.JESTEROFCOLUMBIA. Behold our insignificance. But tragedy. It’s the Lord’s toothbrush. OPINIONS. piti. ITS STUDENT BODY. “TRAGEDY” MORE INFORMATION VISIT WWW. playing his game of Stratego. I gotsta keep deez monies up in this. On a pie chart of time. 2008 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF David Iscoe PUBLISHER Peter Schamp TREASURER Adam Nover LAYOUT EDITOR Neil Flanagan ART EDITOR Katherine Atwill SENIOR EDITORS Alex Weinberg Sam West SENIOR WRITERS Eli Goldfarb EDITORIAL STAFF Dan Haley Jeff Julian Ethan Pack LAYOUT STAFF Crystal Oliva Mark Holden CONTRIBUTORS Jess Horwitz Michael Marlin Frank Nestor Sam Reisman Pitr Strait ART STAFF Lisa Danaczko Chiara McKenney Austin Mitchell COVER DESIGN AUstin Mitchell PATRON King II of Spain MUSE Gabe Morris “HUH. I must spend you. the Devil’s socks.COM THE JESTER COLUMBIA. “I wonder what will happen to me next. Have I antennae? I think not. WHAT? DISCUSS THE ISSUE? ALRIGHT THEN. turn to page 11. it is this: money cannot be held indefinitely. Yes. “‫םולש‬. IDEAS. FOR MAY 2008. might I say. thy name is life. are currently holding. striking reader. with are referring to the bard’s illustrithe proper oxidizing agents.EDU.” It turns out what happens next is that you are struck by a tow truck carrying a dump truck. you say? I assume you dollars. and. but to say the root is a preposterous notion. OR UNSAVORY EPITHETS EXPRESSED IN JESTER DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY. of perfectly good money? But tragedy. 4 MAY. Purell that shit. PLEASE LIMIT ONE COPY PER PERSON. ous goat song which penetrates fabricate the pages that you. O with MOTHERLOVE does thine eternal funds revel. Nover Treasurer You hop on your bike and head to the store. AND OTHER CORRESPONDENCE TO JESTER@COLUMBIA. a lost boy found. is process remine internal bell with a swift and authoritative cycles otherwise disposable assets.” As the Jewish treasurer might I say. OR EVENTS ARE EITHER COINCIDENTAL OR SATIRICAL IN NATURE. OR EVEN THE WISE-ASS COLLEGE STUDENTS WHO WROTE THEM. Pervading our simple. the OF Adam B. resonating with its eerie tintinnabulation. ADVERTISING INQUIRIES. It’s been in currency: the CURRENT SEA. the Businessman’s satchel. gently flattening our crania with its saging the cover with your tongue. For if there is one tragedy in this world.” Poor’s bindle. gently maslooms above. sliding your For is communal tragedy a tragedy at all? Death digits in and out of the magazine. Why dispose blow. ful lives. are we but a sliver? From above do we not resemble ants? ANTS! Goddamnit. how can we sift through the dark matter to find out what really matters? Money. thy name is life. IS COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY’S JESTER IS PUBLISHED AS MANY AS FOUR TIMES A YEAR AND IS DISTRIBUTED FREE OF CHARGE TO THE COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY COMMUNITY. I personally take Columbia’s allotted Tragedy. PLACES. Death sits in our bedrooms as we sleep. SUBMIT TO JESTER JESTEROFCOLUMBIA. and snickering as we toss and turn. remember weighty constitution.where that paper has been. As you pedal down the block.

Where are my pants? What is this vomit doing in my urn? Why is there blood on my index finger? General Ambrose Burnside: Hmm. if you go downstream. I don’t know where I was that day. and let me tell you. turn to page 9 JESTER OF COLUMBIA . While you guys are talking. So far this is not your day. I was drinking this barrel of Old Crow when you were in short pants. Come on. no bloodz on my dudz. Ya heard? You decide it’s awesome that you can now say you’ve been hit by a meteorite. man. I remember it clearly. If you follow the river upstream. Grant: Where was I? I’ll tell you where I was I. Couldn’t he hold his blood for another hour or so? Ward Hall Lamon: As the President’s bodyguard. he’s dead. you meet your friend Mark. Mary Todd Lincoln: Fish paper sweater book rectangle trout.” I remember it quite clearly. e State of Kentucky: I was rubbing my pointy part up against Tennessee. Shaggy: It wasn’t me. Joseph Carlisle: I was in Row D of the Ford’s eater. turn to page 13. Burnsides. who is rollerblading around in circles. I have thought of that night countless times both before and after the event. where you claw your way onto the riverbank. Naturally. but let me tell you one thing: that dude is fucking dead. You are swept along and deposited into a river. No. I was doing what I usually do on such nights: sit and watch whatever’s on the fireplace. Isn’t it so long and intricate? Someday. Lincoln completely fucked up the show. “Sweet. and he ain’t got none because he’s fucking dead. 4 General Ulysses S. John Wilkes Booth: I was standing behind the president. they’ll name this fashion after me. the manhole you’re standing on collapses. Stephen Douglas: Who’s the master debater now? Masturbator? Yes. I looked at that Lincoln. General Joseph Hooker: Don’t even pretend not to know where I was. I believe my first thought was.Where were You When Lincoln Was Shot? Fred Person: I was busy trying to trade with my former slaves. What were you saying again? Clara Barton: Yo bitch. Hey! You’re scuffing my kicks. I am certainly masturbating while you interview me. at’s what they’ll call it. Bow-chicka-wow-wow. row E. and go to get those circus peanuts to celebrate. brutal manual labor in return for the power of reading? You don’t get a better deal than that. I know health. holding a smoking gun. allow me to stroke my thin facial hair originating from my own slowly balding head of hair. and you fall into the sewer below. I was taking the night off. On the way.

turn to page 9.e ambulance arrives quickly and you are loaded into the back. you decide to get out of there by following the river. flinging you out of the vehicle and down a steep embankment on the side of the road. miraculously missing several jagged rocks. Feeling energized. the back door doesn’t latch properly. MAY 2008. If you follow the river upstream. your leg was damaged and you cannot climb back up the incline. “TRAGEDY” 5 . someone seems to have discarded an old bag of circus peanuts on the riverbank. It opens just as the ambulance makes a sharp turn. Unfortunately. to follow it downstream. e upshot is. but unbeknownst to you or the paramedics. turn to page 13. You have tumbled into a deep ravine.

6 JESTER OF COLUMBIA .

Because of all your figuri es taking out the bones. and they t m the playgro o fr et g lot nex re st e th in the parkin rk o w e m t ie pool next wouldn’t le ext to a kidd n s ie p p u p f to a box o ick. .All of the em shed to death u cr ly ow sl e wer r that I chick at HR ash compacto tr g/ in il ce n io the combinat tivated. the bas o g n ti ea ch ment Job.My Achilles tendon.Your dick is made of gol g” kin .In five year s I will only h ave one more year left in p rison.You believe warhead is a nes. mi . the same side? . I . . . . .I do not like your but really I’d paid some money. service like CumFi tions to a good porn on2008? JizzExpo.I have a bit of a weakness for the ol’ white horse. of .Irritable bowel syndrome.tie. ndy on my d tard. t for me and p ce ex es ye lo p when .ey moved und.I don’t und erstand the q uestion. Never l have that jo il st I t o rg fo ah. “TRAGEDY” 7 . rld wo .Oh shit.Job was eed a replace n I ow N . so I to a bag of ca n me. MAY 2008.Your dick is not made "Poop Cavern. ovide homes? . left him U WILL Why YO ET LAID NEVER G b full of gravy. . YOUR WHAT IS SS? WEAKNE BIGGEST . .You think “boning” inv d.I’m just not very good at work.I had to leav g across tence. “rapegold. . or EjacuC bono” ro . to the buildin ce ffi o r ei th .Haha.Does your office pr subscripce computers have ffi o ur yo of y an o -D esta.I would like to be work for free.Your girlfriend is a bathtu litant type of oral sex. . .Your nickname.Everyone else in the . “WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST JOB?” b. st go back th that hot ju ll I’ mind. ye ere. .I see myself getting the re ally big coin – that five ye ar coin. olv .You. cidentally ac ac as w comped le al inst g fired for in n ei b r te af e .You request access to has been killed.I will not b e able to see myself because I will b e blind in on e eye and invisible on the other side of my body… no." her . you said “p THINGS NOT T O SAY AT A JOB INTER VIEW U SEE “WHERE DO YO VE YEARS?” YOURSELF IN FI .

8 JESTER OF COLUMBIA .

Ducking behind a tree. “TRAGEDY” 9 . You are lying in a ditch covered in sticks when you hear a noise.By consequence of events completely outside your control. you have become dehydrated. which has in its paws a rabid wolf. you think that now you can hear the distinct sound of a wolf howling close by. Ashamed that you didn’t feel the subtle vibrations of the crocodile’s scales. You peek out from behind your tree and see a bear. To make matters worse. and have nearly starved to death. holding on its shoulder a raging mountain lion. which is holding a crocodile. you faint. is trying to eat your eyeballs. thinking you are already dead. A huge vulture. you also think you can smell the musk of a mountain lion. like those of a brown bear. Turn to page 22. As you flee from the vulture you hear the sound of heavy footsteps behind you. MAY 2008. which is somehow armed with a rifle.

1963: Lee Harvey Oswald is executed by Jack Ruby for shooting President John F.J. There is room for many children.P. everyone is racist. but we don’t know as much as history so here’s what we got: 1856: Dred Scott. but it turns out Oswald actually shot John. The seesaw explodes. MISCARRIAGES OF JUSTICE ough technically perfect. seizing 23 thousand tons of high-quality coastal bermuda hay and making numerous arrests. New Jersey. discovers that he has lived in free territories and brings his case before the Supreme Court. Bertrand Russell: Come inside. Kennedy.. History remembers approximately thirty of them. However. beaten. BERTRAND RUSSELL IS NOW IN A COMA 10 JESTER OF COLUMBIA . e sad truth is that since being founded in 1776. 1886: e Haymarket affair: In the largest dried grass bust to date. G. ball pit. [Bertrand Russell stares at the swing set.I. let us enter the playground of my mind.I. 2005: Middleweight boxer Rubin “Hurricane” Katrina is wrongly blamed for the deaths of 1. rapper T. 1949: Iva Toguri D’Aquino is falsely accused of being the “Tokyo Rose. pleads guilty to federal gun charges. the American justice system has occasionally been prone to failure.] Seesaw: I regret my ignorance. 1967: Middleweight boxer Rubin “Hurricane” Carter is wrongly blamed for the deaths of three people in Paterson. 1995: In a case of mistaken identity. she did visit Tokyo. It is now a smoldering mass] Swing set: I no longer obtain. Unfortunately. Where shall my friends and I play? Bertrand Russell: Come. swing set. Kennedy. Slide: Bertrand Russell. I suppose we shall have to agree to disagree.Bertrand Russell Visits a Playground: A Harrowing Experience Bertrand Russell: Swing set. you have destroyed the playground. O. Ball pit: Please do not come to indoor playgrounds. and tased millions of Americans. do you believe in a set-theoretical foundation for mathematics? Seesaw: I do not know.800 people in New Orleans. Bob Dylan writes the song “ e Levee’s Gonna Break. Little boy: Bertrand Russell. Bertrand Russell: You do not belong here. [Bertrand Russell winks. [Bertrand Russell attempts to stretch out his ear until it may fit a child in it. I am frightened. Ball pit: I will return to Chuck-E-Cheeze. maced. Smolder. what is your opinion of my epistemological theory? Swing set: I disagree with your emphasis on empirical content. CONGFLAGERATE. Please remove yourself from me. you have ruptured your ear.” 2008: Facing up to 30 years in jail. Several alleged hay kingpins are executed in a highly publicized hanging. our court and police system has wrongly executed. Bob Dylan writes the song “Hurricane” to support his fight for justice. federal agents storm the illegal Chicago hay market.] Little boy: Bertrand Russell. Bertrand Russell: Seesaw. a slave in Missouri. President of the Dallas Bingo Association. Bertrand Russell: My apology. even though sources suggest he was framed by alter ego T. incarcerated. Simpson is wrongly identified as an innocent man by a Los Angeles jury. you must cease and desist. but it is later found that three of them were legitimate straw salesmen.” DNA testing later reveals that she is not a rose but a human.

“TRAGEDY” Surprisingly enough. e kid’s smart as a whip though. Someone generously offers to drive you to the hospital. Mechanic: All right then. You regain control of the car. is totaled. Mechanic: Well he rides that delivery bike like lighting.) Driver: Help! I need water right away! My car is about to explode! Mechanic: What kind of car you got? Driver: It’s a Ford Pinto. come over here and bring my favorite. (1970. A flaming Ford Pinto pulls into a body shop. the mechanic e Ford Pinto. leaking gasoline into the engine and ultimately resulting in a fire and/or explosion. I just figured their delivery guy would know about these crap Italian cars. Driver: I don’t see how that will help me. Let me go get him. I don’t come to wherever your firestarting job is and tell you how to do it. Driver: What? Why? Mechanic: Look.THE FORD PINTO: A REAR-WHEEL DRIVE TRAGEDY Driver: Is the mechanic at lunch? Mechanic: Nah. MAY 2008. Driver: No. was built with egregious manufacturing errors. I haven’t put out many Italian fires. maybe two coats of each. 1970. he doesn’t have his license yet. Driver: Does he drive a Pinto? Mechanic: No. that’s going to require a different kind of water and wax. We all weren’t studs back in our youth. your bike. Driver: All right. Mechanic: Now. e Jester’s mother was there and recalls this incident. Driver: What the hell does that mean? Look. released on September 11th. cheese. ( e car explodes. It’s all the same principle…motion.Yes.) ankfully. you somehow manage to switch seats with him and seize the steering wheel. Mechanic: Italian? Driver: N. turn to page 14. on the other hand.. If you swerve to avoid the raccoon. Yo Tito. I just need water! Mechanic: Hey buddy. so. the lack of a rear bumper could result in the gas tank becoming dislodged. but just at that moment you see a raccoon in the road ahead of you.. e car’s on fire. I’m sorry. you weren’t hurt that bad. It’s gonna run you a couple grand. turn to page 16. it’s American. In a collision. and pizza were unharmed. if you run it over because you hate animals. I’m going to need to bring in an expert from Antonio’s. killing the driver. Mechanic: Pinto? at sounds foreign. great slices. 11 . never forgets that I want cheese on my pizza. Driver: Where’s that? Mechanic: It’s the pizzeria across the street. but on the way there he suddenly has a heart attack and you are forced to drive! As the car veers back and forth on the road.

ya aten b e e r e w m you pstrea u y a ur w On yo u are dead. Y TO E ED “I D E L I LL VE FA T. IT ’S CA OT “I’M A H E. o VEN bear.” N YOU IS RIGH ALIV H DO T LDN’T BE U SHO .” D A DE TRY I AGA N .

A CONVERSATION WITH LANCE ARMSTRONG The Jester had a chance to sit down with biking legend and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong last week. Our reporter assured us that he was taking really good notes and that this is what Lance Armstrong said. Turn to page 24. J: Couldn’t anyone take a tour of France. Whatever though. aren’t you selling all those bracelets saying you beat cancer? LA: Selling them for charity. okay. one Lance Armstrong can eat a dick. since you are in the wrong lane and there’s an oncoming car heading straight for you. J: Whatever. yes. Here’s our exclusive interview. 14 JESTER OF COLUMBIA . I made a full recovery from that deadly disease. J: So.” J: Neil Armstrong is a great man and I respect his words. and are often considered one of the greatest athletes of all time. asshole? LA: I did not take a tour of France. actually. It turns out you should have swerved anyway. You collide head-on with what turns out to be a police car. So. that’s not the factory model though. I had sex with hundreds of men and women knowing I had HIV! They were all ugly! I participate in ritual disembowelment of women! I sleep in a bed of rotten asparagus! My cancer was an inside job! I drove one of my bikes into a local trade center! I sure am a dick! I’m going to bike home now but I can’t even go very fast. J: Oh man. dude. I would expect you to know something about cycling before conducting this interview. I did lose a testicle to nonseminomatous testicular cancer. Jester: You’ve thoroughly dominated the sport of cycling during your career. We met him in some fancy coffee-shop in Battery Park. Delirious from the day’s events and loss of blood. I won the Tour de France. J: Yeah. LA: Yes. with a single ball groove on one side or something? Which way do you hang? LA: No. They should call me Lance Armweak! I shat my pants in every race I ever biked in. if some dude stomped out one of my nuts in a fight I wouldn’t say I won just because he didn’t kill me. but whatever. LA: I’m big asshole who thinks I’m really fucking great. and he didn’t even pay for our coffee. you got yours modified of course. I took steroids and cheated on all my races and wives. LA: Waaah! Waaah! I’m a little pussy who got my ass kicked by a little kid because I have tiny little arms. so the rumors aren’t true? Because some dudes out there are saying you only have one nut. Boo-hoo-hoo! I can’t believe I’m such a little bitch. I use a normal bike seat. You make a short-lived run for it before being captured by a burly bounty hunter named Elbow. you leave the scene of the crime and embark on a desperate flee from justice. We can’t really afford to drink $10 coffee because we don’t have a multi-million dollar bracelet business. J: Go on… LA: Neil Armstrong told me that if he went back to the moon he’d say “one small step for Neil Armstrong. J: Wait a minute. LA: I did recover to win the Tour de France seven times. what kind of bike seat do you got? Lance Armstrong: I use a Selle SMP Strike Composit racing saddle on my Trek Madone SL. It’s the premier bicycle competition in the world.

ADVICE FROM A PROFESSIONAL PICKUP ARTIST STEP 3 . because you just earned yourself twenty seconds of awkward and soulless sex. wait. 15 . then that is your right. or female dense blimp. buy my other book: FIVE STEPS TO MAXIMIZING THESE PRECIOUS SECONDS. not on their watch. You can do whatever you want with her from this point Introduce yourself and explain why you are the best guy there. Keep in mind that shouldn’t those cans of dog food you have leftover because all your dogs feel bad about lying to her because she isn’t a real person. you have to differentiate yourself from the crowd. onward: If you want to fill her vagina with coal and use it as a She won’t go home with you if you aren’t the best mate available furnace. I make toner. MAY 2008.” “Hang on. Is this normal? A: No. To maximize these precious seconds. STEP 1 . and so basically you just feel bad for them because you really aren’t hurt that bad.” “We have to make this conversation quick because I am late for a helicopter race. STEP 4 . “TRAGEDY” FAQ You decide to just die. died due neglect or got confiscated by the state. Oops.. is is why any talented pickup artist will adorn himself with a gasmask or. Turn to page 24. and explain how this came to be. Oh hey Denzel. but the medivac helicopter team called to the scene is not giving up on you that easily. kid.SLIDE IT IN AND WIGGLE IT AROUND: Get ready partner. my iPhone is ringing. Will your 5 step method work for me? A: No. lacking that. If you can’t think of anything interesting to say. with the brain as a security system. just say everything. She’d go sleep with that guy. well just consider her mouth and any other orifices to be garbage disposals.” “I sign my checks with a drawing of a transparent cube. BAD “I work at a toner factory. Once you purchase a drink for a woman. THE ENIGMA METHOD: SCORE ANY KIND OF VAGINA YOUR INSANE MIND CAN FUCKING IMAGINE WITH MY PATENTED 5 STEP SYSTEM.” but just at that moment something goes horribly wrong and the helicopter plummets into an active volcano.THE SPEAKING PART: right. Tell her which of the Great Lakes is the greatest..THE PEACOCK THEORY: When you enter a bar. Use my code to bypass that system. you technically become her customer. club. is is why it’s called the Peacock eory: e best peacocks are the ones that put on the biggest shows for their mates. It’s my legal signature. Make sure these are good words. it turns out. say words at her. Someone is yelling for you to hang in there and another guy is telling you they aren’t gonna let you die. “Chill out you guys it’s cool.” STEP 5 .” “My average body temperature is actually significantly lower than that of most humans. Do you know how wet lady peacocks get when male peacocks wear gasmasks? e answer is very. the customer is always STEP 2 .BUY HER (A DRINK): GOOD “I am the sole survivor of the Challenger explosion. it’s my other iPhone. Tell her that the atmosphere is mostly nitrogen. A woman is just a vagina surrounded by 120 pounds of useless skin.” Q: I don’t feel comfortable with lying to women and manipulating them for my advantage.MORE SPEAKING: For the next twenty minutes. an enormous facial tattoo. so you sit up and you’re like. As we all know. Q: I am the approximate size and shape of a vending machine. If you need someone to eat all to her.

but they didn't seem to realize that just because I'm in wheelchair doesn't mean I'm retarded. a large able bodied truly human man. wood. You know those ads you see on TV with all the joyful smiling kids? Yeah. e first place medal was obviously gold. that’s about all I needed to say. and bronze. e Paralympics then gives out medals made of copper. how the crap can you give a gold medal to a kid in a motorized wheelchair? Lenny Ackles. I came in worse than last because a small bird beat me to the finish line. Within an hour I will be gone. but those ads never feature the contorted grimaces of the kids who came in last. If against all evidence and logic there is a God and a heaven. e car flies into a gorge. then they would award it to your damn wheelchair because that's what did all the work. Seriously. you run over another raccoon and the original raccoon simultaneously. it's all I have left. and finally paper. Fuck Dhalsim While attempting to swerve out of the way of the raccoon. Technically. I want to play Street Fighter forever. you lazy shit. Anyway. I’m on enough prescription drugs (34) that I’m fairly certain I could kill myself quickly by taking all or none of them. ey tried to convince me that they had given me a medal made of air. People always tell me to keep my chin up. then silver. if God exists. knocking you unconscious. and I want to play as Zangief. like how I don't have to be on my feet all the time and shit. I rolled over to my desk and began to dictate my suicide note since I can't hold a pen. After flopping my useless torso out of bed and into my chair. e bottom line is that sweet parking spaces don't help very much when your crushed legs can't even reach the pedals." e one thing that I had going in my life is that I was training for the Paralympics. you miss a turn and the car careens off the side of the treacherous mountain road you happen to be driving on. (I ruled at that game because my constant shaking made it easier to mash the buttons. and your own super-high toilet seat doesn't make you feel like King Shit when you haven't been able to take an independent dump in nine years.) If they wanted to give a medal to the actual winner of the race. your head slams into the steering wheel. you did nothing to win that race other than operate a joystick. I know. COLUMBIA . ey'll make cracks about how there are some great upsides to being crippled. Ok. I think if Jessie Owens had been given a jetpack. iron. and I've always hated my Dad because he used to laugh at me when the kids in middle school would slap bumper stickers onto my crash helmet.A NOTE FROM THE MOST DEPRESSED AND BITTER PERSON IN THE WORLD I woke up today fully intent on killing myself. I don’t have anywhere else to go. My mother wants me out of the house because she's terrified by the monotoned voice of my mechanical larynx. He wouldn’t even help me get them off unless they were for some liberal cause like Gore/Lieberman 2000 or the American Cancer Society. Turn to page 22. Unable to regain control of the car as its two front wheels are sliding across the raccoons. which is essentially like telling a Sudanese gang rape victim that at least she got some play. leaves. Or he’d make me play as Dhalsim. Suicide sucks. ice. he’s probably the kind of asshole who would make up a cripple character just to spite me. his accom16 JESTER OF plishments in Berlin wouldn't seem so impressive. but it's kind of a challenge when the hard plastic bands of my wheelchair force my neck into a stationary position so I don't accidentally swallow my own tongue. I've done more work than that playing Street Fighter Alpha II. But after yesterday. I’ve decided to take all of them so people know that I at least managed to successfully kill myself. instead of my body just failing to keep my brain suspended in a torturous life. I thought that would be me. e one date I've ever gone on was with some equally pitiable hambeast who took me to the bowling alley but forgot that they don't rent out bowling shoes in size "mangled. Of course.

“Secret S ee Food t-fr .Farm Pa F cDonald’s on Ol’ M tty) to one pa ground in McBeef . ejaculate. shit.Go to Singapore. Osama e?) m t u o ab 3 George) layton (I < y Cyrus: Best of C l e a h ic 5. M a/Mile hy won’t h Montan 6.en’s Osama bin Lad List Top Ten Film t the o (I bough rno. . Little C stor. . Madame Trial.) 2. la p e sh ection ( n n o C h c n . . and then shoot yourself in the head.Swallow enough sponges to absorb your entire body from the inside .Dirty ’ Tasteless N . e Fre ve hating freedom lo I iler Alert: . .) g lert: I’m a I’m hidin (Amber A n re d il h 9. and tickle yourself. e P en) ll Woody A onald’s Failed McD Products: t McNouga . Hanna ds Concert Tour (W rl e Cave?) Both Wo ur venue. Un you mean o d t a h (W 4.Become blood brothers with Magic Johnson.) se th d n e box and A . “TRAGEDY” 17 . (.Make a wish.Simultaneously sneeze.) 7.) rn fe In g n Infe weri 1. .k. and pull your legs apart like a wishbone..) ssic child mole Rose of Cairo (Cla le rp u 10. From R in Russia. MAY 2008.Overdose on jenkem a.Richard lt auce” Ma .Try to go in one of those pipes when that chompy plant is there. You’ve love fanta (I 3 9 it’s not d e it 3.Small animals tty (all the arm. o y ank you. . . o e p c n (S ra e F v o L h it ussia W 8. . Speak. e To the Twin Towering t: rax. .Slurp your own blood using a plastic straw (those extra wide ones from the movie theaters).Trans Fa py Meals bain Hap o C .Go hunting on the Capitol.Be involved in the D. .Kurt f: Great Ways to Kill Yoursel .Have Death give you a rusty trombone. il a M Got sies.Flesh Fil ick M .a “butt hash”.Chicken et .C.

. . I would A: You only n’t eat that. leaving him dead an A: It’s OK. [A approaches B. they’ll like yo is a neurotic A: Come on. my hair.. N’s vei narcoleptic a tally drained of blood by d bloodless). getting blood drawn arm for my I can’t stand a needle in e. B’s Mama: A AAAAHHH HHHHHH Family docto HHH! r: Your back is broken in 83 places. skipping A: You know along the sid the old sayin ewalk] g. I’m in AP rches for a babysitter. no way I B: You know me.ing A: You should come skydiv with us. B: Exactly. orry about er in B: Don’t w t peanu butt e m so t u p Just it. B: I don’t thin k so. it. an extended period of tim donates ne ryo eve . “Step on a mama’s back” crack. OK ith now filled w er. A: It’ll ’re not going ey th id ra af B: I’m so u just fine bitch. Short Scenes of Neuroses and tragedy ut it because we did A: I’m not too worried abo it in a lake. ance to meet ch e ic n a e b to like me. ns are acciden[He donates blood. ch it b at friends: [Later. [Nine months later. a young ch ild. I know. B sea m] while A attends Senior Pro don’t like N: It’s no big deal. Loser. ssy pu a F: Don’t be blood. but I’d . you old lad oost – oo oo lllm Old Lady: I’m alll sing doors] clo the [She is cut in half by 18 . B: Come on. then m elts from his Crypt Keeper face revealing -esque skull b a efore exploding] I got gum in A: Oh shit. there’s am going skydiving. th e Five Second the subway to Rule applies to o. JESTER OF COLUMBIA . A: You only live once.] A’s EASE E CLOSING DOORS PL A: STAND CLEAR OF TH y. a is ir a [His h butt nd peanut both gum a tion] ic combina n e g o in rc a c my friends. s a “W” A: Whateva. [Sign s] and an “L” with his hand ] die ey [ ey go. I just donate. break your B: No wayyy . nurse. A: Um. water doesn’t mean— B: Just because there was Bio. live once [A’s skin tigh tens. A: Sure it does.

“TRAGEDY” 19 .MAY 2008.

20 JESTER OF COLUMBIA .

MAY 2008. “TRAGEDY” 21 .

His whole body is made of springs. “ e change to bad fortune which he undergoes is not due to any moral defect or flaw. but reminds him he cannot love a woman and that he cannot go into water. Eight men are playing college hoops. 3. THE END :( JESTER OF COLUMBIA . just like us). but he loses his home so he must put it up for auction at Christies. They WITH NICE TITa railroad track. California is the annual Gay Bash. It is adopted by a millionaire. 5. e death of Jesus Christ actually allowed all of humanity a path to the kingdom of heaven. OF COMPOSITION other titties to not so big. Discuss. Featuring Pete Wentz as the countertop. Abraham Lincoln’s last words: “Somebody kill me if I have to watch another hour of this boring-ass play” 4. so Judas gets an assist on every soul saved. World War I: Have you seen those pointy hats the Kaiser’s army wore? Comic genius. 10. a LGBT festival enjoyed by all. but a mistake of some kind. Can’t love anybody because he is made of springs. Little do we know. Two people are stting in a coffeehouse. Without the massive death toll of the Titanic shipwreck. Right? FUCKING AIRPLANES fly out it. They are two men short of a true game. The man says something. a boy sits on open girders in a chair. THINK OF ENDING. Goingtoitow nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ` NOT ACTUALLY TRAGIC ` 1. Starring Lindsay Lohan as Boy 211. e bombing of Hiroshima wasn’t so bad because it did not involve. If he get shot. Other titties are just there. Or MACs. both are rampant anti-Semites. ONLY ONES TIES. e Black Plague really took care of the smelly kids. Here are their last creations: A man made entirely of springs. She is not sitting in chair. A guy owns some sort of gem. The other is one half Linux. 22 You wake up and guess what—SURPRISE! It was all a dream. bullet bounces off. Across the river at the roof factory. victims of a gas leak in their unit. A girl sits on a rooftop at the chair factory. The gem gives him dating advice. Forcing drink milk. 4. 9. He also cannot use Macs. French Revolution: ey finally got to eat all that cake. e Hindenburg was German. I OPENED A WINDOW. he is bad around technology. Or Emacs. 2008: Two young film students were found dead in an Upper West Side apartment. Generally. NO YOU DIDN’T: THE MOVIE Let’s travel through time. increasing our wares. END. and all of their movie ideas were picked up by Paramount Pictures. TItties tied across They fuck up the race. a talking gem. “IT’S FOR YOU” So there’s this guy. 2. Four guys are playing Never Have I Ever. a man and a woman. Greek tragedies seem a lot more sad without the original farting sound effects following every character’s death (the Greeks voided themselves at death. Then the rocket happens. for he is made of springs. e only gay bashing in San Francisco. and then the gem gets sassy and then the movie ends. IT’S COOL. eir laptops were recovered. Titties.” 8. millions of sixth grade girls would never have learned to French kiss by cutting out holes in posters for the movie “Titanic. A man is talking to an army man.THE NATURAL GAS METHOD April 13. so he picks up his cellphone. A mOVIE.” 7. End. Never a battle without a penis joke. Three of them are vampires. one half salt. so they are in fact not playing a college game. and then the woman responds with a clever retort. 31 people simultaenously solve Rubik’s cubes.” 6. LAME. Alexander Hamilton wore a vest of saltpeter to make his death “fucking awesome. I’d heard that cake was better than bread back then. In the background. right? Okay. who cited “not having to pay those dead-ass writers” as a major factor in their decision.

“TRAGEDY” 23 .MAY 2008.

which did not have clasps but rather were tied into a zeppelin bend knot. 1:42. You wake up—was it all a dream? No. Unfortunately. I am forced to use an a cappella poster I find in a trash can outside. 33 seconds: I attempt to jump back on the bed. you are in the hospital with severe injuries. Three landed Cindy’s roommate’s satin pillow.336.e. but am unable to “hold my load” (not ejaculate). and the rest I have not yet been able to locate. Well. READERS OF MY BLOG “BEMUSED GRUMBLINGS”: I enjoy the song “Futuresex/Lovesounds. so way to go.800. 1:42 am: I have broken her bra clasp and am now ready to put her “out of control” (induce female orgasm). 30 seconds: She screams at me to “pull out” (my penis from her vaginal canal) and pushes my body onto the floor. I was never able to get the hang of that “bra” thing because I lived in a commune for most of my teenage years. I realize that “Future sex” with Cindy will not be possible.FUTURESEX GREETINGS.2522 www. we had been dancing too close throughout the night and my stamina was low (in the case of intercourse. 1:42. 1:35 am: I return home with Cindy Randall.” I introduce myself to Cindy Randall and see instantly in her eyes that we will be in for a night of “sexcapades” (i.com JESTER OF COLUMBIA . and the only girls I made “love sounds” (moans related to arousal) with either didn’t wear bras. Here is what happened: 10:05 pm: I go to a dorm party to get my “drink on” and “dance on. 1:42. when we went south. THE END ? Art Communication Systems Purveyors of the finest quality printwork at a price that will upset no-one. I would be unable to enjoy more than eight thrusts before ejaculating into the vaginal cavity). 1:43 am: Cindy orders me to leave yet gives me no apparatus with which I can cleanse myself of semen. this includes acts of cunnilingus and fellatio). we will engage in sexual acts). 1:40 am: I am unsuccessful in removing her bra. 25 seconds: “I think she’s ready to blow” (my penis is at the point in which ejaculation of sperm from it cannot be avoided). You shouldn’t be alive! But you are. 1.artcomsys. and she is barely able to get the keys in the door due to many Gin and Tonics. I spray 24 seven beads of semen as I am climbing back on to the top bunk. or wore bras made of whole grains or flax.” so this Friday I decided to model my love life after it (“love life” refers to sexual intercourse between me and a female). This is when things go south. You get the idea (we engaged in oral sex with one another.