jester of columbia

PLUS / MINUS
table of contents
2

Letters to the Editor Deaths Editaurus Using Diet and Positive Thinking To Cure Your STD (De)constructive Criticisms Magnet Personal Ad Plus/Minus Lists Letter Concerning the Religious Plus Sign Slash PSA Transcript of Keynote Address at the Association of Plus-Sized Models’ Annual Conference Guide to Pregnancy Test Symbology New Math Symbols Center Spread: New Product Additives More or Less The Pros and Cons of Being Imaginary John Madden’s Turduckin Cookin’ More Plus/Minus Lists Dan Brown Excerpt Remember When They Discovered 2+2=4? Jazz Album Bonus Tracks Miscellaneous Thoughts Binary Word Search The Rise and Fall of the Single A Battery

3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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12-13 14 15 16 17 18 20 21 22 23 24

inside back cover In the Next Jester...

Sponsored in part by the Arts Initiative at Columbia University. This funding is made possible through a generous gift from The Gatsby Charitable Foundation.

LETTERS

TO THE EDITOR

DEATHS
- The oft-forgotten Transformer and younger brother of Megatron committed robosuicide by autorobotic asphyxiation on Friday. At a young age, Negatron was absorbed into a life of robot gang warfare. He could not go outside without worrying about an Autobot fly-by. The continuous threat of an Autobot attack wore down his robopsyche and he soon developed addictions to WD40 and Pennzoil. But Negatron’s drug habit did not come without consequences. Following in his brother’s footsteps, Negatron garnered an arrest record for Energon and motor oil trafficking. After serving his sentence as a prison septic tank, Negatron returned home only to find his girlfriend, Slutatron, in bed with his brother. Abandoned by his friends and family, Negatron yearned to escape the roboghetto and to obtain a degree in robopharmacology. But everyone scoffed at his robodreams saying, “Nega, you a damn fool!” Unable to deal with the robopressures of his sorry roboexistence, he took his own robolife. John Davidson, 52 - Salesman and family man. Aurthur Miller, you sick fuck - how many more must die to appease your bloodlust? Merrey Marburg, 26 - Committed suicide after discovering evidence that he was just another Madlib alias. Samwise Gamgee, 45 - Frodo shared needles with Gollum. Smeagol’s precious ain’t so pure. Alvin Applebaum, 78 - Beloved husband, father, and grandfather. Only beloved by his pet dog, Salazar von Puppytown.
Negatron, 3582

Dear Jester Overlords, Ye bastards spelt my name wrong on the last issue…..and I’m on the editorial staff. Please, do be so kind as to remove the obtrusive t in Gurevitch. My name is Gurevich, not Gurev“itch”. I strongly dislike my surname being associated with the damn scabies! I warn you, do not cross me. I have unearthed the Jester’s deepest, darkest, most sexually depraved secrets and am not afraid to unleash them. Appease me and ye shall be spared. Cross me…and may the gods’ have mercy on you. -EG Ms. Gurevich: Wee hum-blee uh-pol-uh-jahyz for ou-er spell-ing mis-take. Wee own-lee spell fo-net-ic-lee. -Jes-ter I have advised you to not listen to this filthy Slav and her crazy spelling conventions. The GOST transliteration orthopraxy has none of the noble charm of Francophonic Romanization. Her name is properly spelled “Ghourevitch” and you should hold her to this, no matter the jenkem addictions and decimal fetishes she may uncover.
-Niall O’Flanagan

Niall: We’ve already apologized. But... duly noted. -Jester Jester Pigs: I’ll have you know that if I catch H1N1 from your glossy swine rag, I will have your asses fried in bacon fat. Symptoms of my wrath include persistent coughing, itchy redness, and horrible, horrible death.
-Germaphobic reader

Jester, my home: I hear you slighted a nice girl out of her own name... and within my domain! How dare you. As you know, I stand for accuracy and justice. Although I may stand to the left, this does not make me a leftist, socialist, or Scientologist. I just read the names as they are provided. If there’s an error, it isn’t my fault. Don’t go passing the blame on me.
-Your Masthead

Porky: I’ll have you know that Jester magazines have never been used as a vector of swine flu. One case of jaundice may have been caused by a previous issue, but a pending lawsuit prevents me from validating the truth of that statement. -Jester

Yo Head: You’re right there... about four inches from here. You had to write? Seriously, just yell it out, we ain’t deaf. -Jester

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Jester of Columbia

Vol. CDI No. 1 November 2009
Editor-in-Chief

Jester
Adam Nover
Publisher

A +/- Sermon
Dearest reader,

“SO, IF a man who is uncircumcised keeps the precepts of the law, will not his uncircumcision be regarded as circumcision?” Romans 2:26 Right now I want y’all to touch what God gave you. Down there, that’s right. Yeah, I’m talkin’ bout your specials. Come on, don’t be shy now. Feel it up. Caress it up. Go ahead, I say STROKE IT UP. There. That felt good, now, didn’t it? Ain’t no reason to be ashamed. What you’re feelin’ is you—God’s fleshy sculpture. And what a mighty fine sculpture it is. Folks, we’ve all got our own distinct sculptures. About half of us have pistols on our statues and the other half holsters. Of the pistols, some are robust, others delicate. Of the holsters, some are taut, others slack. But they are all of equal worth. God made all of our sculptures not so we could compare them; He made them as instruments of proliferation—or as I call them, “proliferuments.” He made these proliferuments so we can use them. They are what make us human. They’re what separate us from the alligator, the emu, the lynx, and the GaGa. We shouldn’t be uncomfortable around our proliferuments, although we often are. As a matter of fact, it’s been that way since the dawn of time.

Patrick McGuire Michael Abraham Emma Rosenberg
Managing editor Art Editor Treasurer

Sadaf Shahid

Justin Chun Chris Crawford Kyle Davis Richard Deeping Max Goldberg Elana Gurevich Justine Hope Jack Jonathan P.eter Hussein Schamp Anton Wheel
Layout Staff

editorial Staff

Once Adam and Eve ate that forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, they used leaves to cover their pistols and holsters. They made clothes in part because they were embarrassed about their proliferuments. Also, the clothes stopped Adam and Eve’s proliferuments from flopping around every which way while they walked. Sort of a poor man’s compression shorts and bra. But mostly, before the leaves, whenever Adam and Eve saw each other’s proliferuments, they couldn’t resist the urge to go at it. Once they made leaves, since they weren’t constantly shagging anymore, they finally had the time to do other leisure activities such as climbing trees or riding bikes. I digress. Listen, when we’re young, those of us who have pistols have a little bit of our pistol cut off. Now, doctors say that it protects against infection, or that it’s just easier to clean a pistol that doesn’t have a bayonet. But listen, folks. I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter. With or without a bayonet, God loves you the same. You’re still a human, and your pistol is just as good as anyone else’s. PRAISE THE LORD. At this point I ask that you bow your heads in prayer and sit in silence for one minute. Plus or minus. Amen.

Ellen Liu Dylan Lonergan Audry Padgett Arianna Sanders Samantha Siegel

Brian Barwick Augusto Corvalan Jesse Horwitz Ryan Mendelbaum Frank Nestor Natalie Shibley Constance Castillo Louise McCune Marc Rios Samantha Siegel Kathy Zhang
Cover Design Art Staff

Contributors

Treasurer

Emma Rosenberg
DISTRIBUTORS

The Jester of Columbia, established 1901, is Columbia University’s only humor magazine.
Jester is published as many as four times a year and is distributed free of charge to the Columbia University community. Please limit one copy per person. Views, ideas, opinions, or unsavory epithets expressed in Jester do not necessarily reflect those of Columbia University, its student body, or even the wise-ass college students who wrote them. Any similarities to actual people, places, or events are either coincidental or satirical in nature. Direct submissions, advertising inquiries, and other correspondence to jester@columbia.edu.

Ross Johnson Keith Redwine

For more information visit www.jesterofcolumbia.com.
November 2009, “Plus/Minus” 3

Advice from

ELLEN MCDONALD

CERTIFIED COSMetologist

IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, you know when you meet the right one. So you go out to the parking lot and fuck in his F150. And then you know you’re going to be together for life. During this period of courtship, you may ask yourself, “Might be a good idea to use some form of protection?” The answer is “no.” Condoms reduce intimacy. Plus, if the guy smokes weed, you can’t get pregnant. Besides, children are a gift from God. And if he thinks my twenty-year-old unemployed boyfriend and I would be good parents, I’m not going to argue. As I have recently learned from my lady doctor, though, you still might get an STD. Who knew! I thought only sluts and sailors got those. I’m a little confused about how it happened though. If you’re satisfying your man, he’s not going to IF THE GUY SMOKES sleep around, simple as that. And I know I’m doing a good job because my man always comes really fast. I’m so good he only needs a little bit of me. So when my WEED YOU CAN’T GET woman doctor told me I had HPV, I ignored it until I was tired of pissing tobasco PREGNANT sauce. She tried to give me medication, but I refused. I know that with exercise, a proper diet, and positive thinking, I can beat this-just like that time I ate fried chicken and my eye cyst was gone. Besides, she said I couldn’t have sex for three days. Bitch crazy. So I’ve decided on the following four steps to battle my STD: 1) Will myself against it. Things will only defeat you if you let them. Diseases are no exception. It’s a known fact that cancer victims who think to themselves, “I can beat this!” die an average of 1.1 years later than those who do not. Using their example, and remembering the Little Engine that Could, I know that by telling myself I do not have HPV I will make it a reality. 2) Eating protein. Protein gives you lots of energy, which is what you’re going to need to beat this thing. Consume lots of tasty meats. Including his. 3) Have more sex. By the law of averages, putting lots of good sperm into your body will cancel the bad, STD-carrying ones out. Also, the vigorous exercise will energize your body, strengthening it against your STD. 4) Wishful thinking. Wishes do come true. Remember on your birthday when you closed your eyes, made a wish, and blew out the candles, and the next day your brother’s annoying gerbil was dead? The same principle can be applied to your medical problems. If not, contact the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

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Jester of Columbia

(De)constructive Criticisms
About My Short Story: Zombietron Vs. The Intersapce Death Lord! From Prof. Blackman, Creative Writing 101

1BHF
1BHF 1BHF 1BHF 1BHF 1BHF 1BHF 1BHF 1BHF 1BHF 1BHF 1BHF

5FBDIFST$PNNFOUT
- Word choice: knowing the difference between affect/effect will change my affect and effect your grade. - Firstly, the genre is Sci-Fi, not Syfy. Secondly, Sci-Fi/Horror/ Zombie/Cyborg/Sapce isn’t a genre, nor will it ever be. - The villain is an ‘Interspace Death Lord?’ Try ‘interstellar’. - Your character just referred to himself in the third person. - This page only describes how the “Death Lord” has no face, but ‘consumes a vast space-feast.’ How would s/he eat? Or communicate? Or express their feelings about a written atrocity?

1PJOUT PVUPG

- And where the fuck is page five?

- If Trite and Cliché fell in love, married, settled down, and had a brood of disappointing children, they would be your characters. Making them zombie-cyborgs doesn’t make them unique.
- Slow down, champ. How can a zombie be a cyborg? Zombies are undead and have greater than human strength. Cyborgs are half-man, half-machine with greater than human strength. But they’re cyborgs because the prosthesis saved them from dying! Don’t you see!? Did your cyborgs die and come back from the dead? Do they feed on brains or bolts? These are the difficult questions you need to ask yourself before writing.

- Your wanton defilement of story structure and the English language is sapping my love for the written word.

- Are you trying to make my life worse

- Because you’re succeeding. - I believed in God for 46 years. - It has always been my personal nightmare that a student would produce a story of such putrid quality. I have no one to blame by myself. I hate my life. I hate your life. I hate life.

4 3.6 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 -4 Fail
5

November 2009, “Plus/Minus”

6

Jester of Columbia

Negative Calorie Foods
• • • • • • • • • • •
Heroin Black Holes Grapefruit Tapeworms Raw Chicken Dysenteri-o’s Fire Anti-Donut Time Machines Mobius Strip Steak Enough Beer

• • • • • • • • • • • •

Things I’ve Tested Positive For
Fun Drugs Infertility GonnosyphilherpalAIDS Leg Raisins Death Urinary Plant Life Ugliness Pregnancy H2O Geminal Bromides Boron

Words that Start with Nicoma
• • • • • • • •

Noyota Nicoma Nicoma - ask your doctor how a coma can help you quit smoking Nicola - cold medicine less effective than hoped Nicoma Tesla • G Nicoma at Niteoma Harold and Nicomar go to White Castle • G roup acti v e The Knights Who Live in Nicosta Rica • W tting sta ities save hite p bbed liv • Nicompoop Fron eople is sexu es! a t doo live l and a rs are onger lly transm n itted t y disco thing he onl . . y exi upsta mfor t e s irs w very t and . C • Th l wh inter ill cau osets s nal b ere ere leedi e slight Con is no su ng… sider ch th utter • Th ly d a dead b ing as o ere is estroyed ody still ver killin . g a thr no ri back eat u . g , nless fuck only let’s ht or left don’t out of he get the re com e bac and k.

t Typos • LOLO • Misan CAUST • Bor’anthrape • The oly Lible • HellaH lujah • Demoncr acy • Pedop hile (a

Wors

from Positiv Slas e me her f ssag ilms es

ct really likes fe ually just et)

Deodorant Styles
• • • • • • • • •
Clinical-strength Fatal-strength Pinewood Derby Mountain Sport Extra Cancer Candle Wax Arm and Hammer and Sickle Baking Soda Blast Intense Arctic Winter Blast

Things to Posit
• • • • • • • • • • • •
What is love? Why are you reading this? Is this how you properly auto-erotically asphyxiate? Life, the Universe, you know... stuff What if God was one of us? Just a stranger on a bus? Isn’t it Ironic? Who Will Save your Soul? Bananarama’s Cruel Summer Does anybody remember Savage Garden? Do you believe in life after love? Have you every heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?
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November 2009, “Plus/Minus”

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Jester of Columbia

STAY IN SCHOOL PSA
Guitars screech. Slash comes sliding in, guitar in hand. Class: “WOW!” Slash: “Pretty cool, right kids! But you know what’s even cooler - 10th grade algebra!” Class: Groans. Slash: “No, I’m serious! You may think that being a rock star is the best there is to life, but as someone who’s been there already, let me tell you you’re wrong!” Rocker Boy: “But Slash, what about all the girls?” Slash: “Man, you may think the rockstar lifestyle of doing a half dozen of the hottest girls every single night would be fun, but let me tell you, after the first few decades it loses its luster!” Class: Gasp! Slash: “I’m serious, all you dudes out there may think that it would be cool to be lost in the desert for days and be able to find civilization again by merely getting an erection, because you knew within five seconds of blood rushing to your overused manhood that at least four girls would appear to service it and would love you for the opportunity, but that’s because it is. Actually happened on tour in 1991 in Vegas. Didn’t think we were going to make it until I pointed my boner into the wind and the Ukrainian gymnast team showed up ready to celebrate the downfall of the Soviet Union, if you know what I mean.” Nerdy Guy: “Wait, that seems awesome!” Slash: “No man, not at all. Maybe I’m not making myself clear. Who’s the hottest girl in this class? I don’t think I could recognize whether someone is a woman if they have clothes on at this point, it’s just been too long.” Horny Dude: “It’s definitely Alexis Johnson.” Discouraged Geek: “No, it’s got to be Linsey McStein.” Slash: “Okay, boys, if you were me, Alexis would be swallowing your sword and loving ever second of it. Linsey would be fucking her with a strapon while some asian chick *points to black girl* would be snorting coke off of Alexis’s back. Which is the point I’m trying to make: all this sex wasn’t as awesome as you might think.” Linsey: “I would never do that!” Slash: “Are all you girls wearing underwear right now?”
November 2009, “Plus/Minus”

Guns N’ Roses’ Slash

Various Girls: “Of course!” “Do you think we’re sluts?” “Do thongs count?” Slash: *plays the opening riff of “Sweet Child O’ Mine”* Slash: “How many of you girls are wearing underwear now?” Various Girls: “Omygosh I just had it on!” “What happened!” “It wasn’t a good idea to wear a dress today...” Slash: “Now see, I don’t know what happens to them. They disappear into some sort of vortex. But rest assured if you were exposed to any more undiluted RAWK you would be begging to service me sexually right now.” Teacher: “But what about the drugs? I know you’ve shown us how unfulfilling casual sex is, but kids still might think drugs are cool!” Slash: “I almost forgot! Alright kids, everyone take a syringe!” Five minutes later. Linsey: “THIS IS THE BEST I’VE EVER FELT!” Rocker Boy: “ALL HAIL SLASH!” Slash: “And there you have it kids: the rockstar lifestyle isn’t all its cracked up to be. Stay in school so you can be an accountant.” FIN
9

Transcript of Keynote Address at the Association of Plus-Sized Models’ Annual Conference
Hello, and welcome to the Annual Conference of the Association of Plus-Sized Models. [Pause for cheers, applause, and moos.] I want to talk to you, my peers, about the – No, I’m not Queen Latifah. What? Yeah, she’s at the 116th Annual Double Stuf Oreo Convention. As I was saying, I want to talk to you, my peers, about the strife associated with modeling plus-sized clothing. Like most of you, I feel the anxiety of weighing in every morning at work, praying to make the weight class. I couldn’t bear to drop into DoublePlus. [Pause for sighs and exiting Double-Plus-Sized Models.] People don’t understand how hard it is to stay just fat enough. Some of us have partial bulimia, only purging the foods beginning with the second half of the alphabet. Some of us load up on weight and then fast for weeks. And some of us have it all calculated out – for one model I know, her diet consists of an apple and a box of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups per day to keep her healthy plus-sized pudge. Everyone has their own reasons for becoming a PlusSized Model. I know so many beautiful, but tubby women, who grace the pages of GlaMORE, HELLE, and NEOPOLITAN magazines. Still, I have a confession to make. I was not born a Plus-Sized Model. [Pause for gasps and audible gagging on Twizzlers.] I am naturally 6 foot 2 and 105 lbs. I have magnificent, powerful breasts. They are shaped like God’s grapefruit. But look at my face. It is not exactly a 10. I’d call it a 6, although I am rounding up. So, one Entenmann’s truck later, I became Queen of the Plus-Sized Models. No, it’s me, not Latifah. I don’t give a shit if “Queen” is in her name. As I was saying, I layered my curves with chicken wings and my abs with apple pie, and as long as I remember to eat in excess, I remain a successful Plus-Sized Model. Thank you, and the kitchen has just informed me that your fifth course will be out in just a few minutes.

10

Jester of Columbia

What is The Test
symbol
:( :) :\ ==>>

Really Saying?

?

dsfdrf 8==3

* (o) ~ @ ^5^= # 8

yes no perhaps have you eated asparagus lately? it’s not yours consider abortion he’s got a weenie gas hermaphrodite 27/30 virgin open to interpretation seek help ask again later

result

Proposed new mathematical symbols for next year
◊ † ß € ¬ Ω ¥ Â Ï √ ç ! ø ? . æ add it, then subtract it. add, then add 7 more. just add about half. forget the second number; multiply by a million. place the numbers next to each other. there, thats fine. wait thirty minutes, then multiply slowly. divide with caution. subtract this number. Wait, don’t! tell me you didn’t. subtract if you want. no one can really agree on this one. take a dice with as many faces as the first number. Roll it as many times as the second number. Add the values. Take the first number and add 6. Then multiply by the second number. Subtract 36, then divide by 2. Switch the first and second digits. Square it, then take the first and last digits. How old are you? Presto! whatever you do, don’t multiply these numbers. did you just multiply them? what the fuck? add a googol, then add a googol. Subtract a googol. Add a googol. I’m just fucking with you. > Z Divide. Yes, I know the second number is 0. You’re going to have to figure it out. Together, the two numbers make the cross street you are to visit. On the corner will be an unmarked brown door. Open it; it’s unlocked. Walk down the hallway until you reach a metal door on which is written the cube of the first number. Make sure it matches exactly. Ignore what you hear inside; enter the room and shut the door behind you. There will be no light – you will have to feel your way around. Walk to the right until you find a small television. Turn it on and change the channel to the second number. The images will be very disturbing. What ever you see, don’t look away. No matter how long it lasts, how cold you suddenly feel, or whatever you sense is with you in that room, watch the screen until it’s over. This may take much longer than you wish. But ignore these instructions and you will ex perience those horrors firsthand for as many years as the first number raised to the power of the sec- ond. Plus 15, minus 3.

November 2009, “Plus/Minus”

11

When Ambiguity is Kinda Inopportune
1
Scenario: You’re on a blind date. You don’t understand you always go dutch on a blind date. Since you’re a schlub you not only offer to pay, but you can’t afford it on your sad associate-level job. You Say: Don’t worry, I can pay for it in three different ways. What you mean: First, I’ll put it on my AmEx, then pay that with my Visa, and lastly get bonus points my Discover Card – which has the highest limit.

More or Less:
2
Scenario: After your date, which you decided to pay for like an idiot, you ask if she wants a drink. You can’t afford anything nice though. You Say: It’s sorta white and sorta red, the best of both worlds! What you mean: It’s rosé. It’s cheap. It will get us fucked.

Scenario: While you’re stumbling back to your place, arm in arm with your date, she asks if own this house. You say: No, I live with people. They’re kinda like live-in housemates. What you mean: I live in the basement with my uncle and 16-year-old brother. He shares the basement with me. We put up a sheet though, so we have privacy, if that’s what you mean.

3

4 Scenario: You’re descending the stairs to your half-room, which smells strongly of Vaseline and tears when you’re uncle
yells out, asking for the plunger. You Say: He’s almost a live-in landlord, but more like a live-in super. What you mean: He is the landlord because he owns the house in which I pay rent.

5 Scenario: You’re kissing. Clothes are coming off and
she mumbles something about protection. You Say: Yeah, I usually use complete protection, but tonight I’ll use semi-protection to keep it sexy. What You Mean: I’m completely unprepared for this. Pulling out is “protection,” right?

6

Scenario: It’s two weeks later and that blind date girl calls you up, asking if you used protection. You Say: Yeah, pretty much. I was as protected as I could be. You Mean: I pulled out. At least I think I did. We were both crazy and drunk. There was a lot going on, right?

7

Scenario: You ask her if there’s a reason she’s calling right now. She says: I’m pregnant-ish. She means: I’m pregnant.

14

Jester of Columbia

PROS & CONS
creature
Bigfoot Dragon Scylla

OF BEING IMAGINARY

pro
YOU’RE AN ENORMOUS MAN AND CAN RUN AROUND AND DO ANYTHING YOU WANT- FUCK YEAH! YOU’RE A HUGE LIZARD THAT CAN BREATHE FIRE AND FLY AROUND AND RIP SHIT UP- FUCK YEAH! YOU’RE THIS ENORMOUS SIX HEADED, TWELVE LEGGED BEAST THAT SITS AROUND AND EATS PEOPLEFUCK YEAH! YOU’RE A THREE HEADED DOG THAT TEARS FAT PEOPLE APART ALL DAYFUCK YEAH! YOU’RE A JACKRABBIT WITH ANTLERS! FUCK YEAH! YOU’RE AN ENORMOUS EVIL MONSTER THAT RUNS AROUND AND SUCKS GOATS’ BLOOD - FUCK YEAH! YOU’RE A FRENCH GOAT AND TWO OF YOUR LEGES ARE SHORTER SO YOU CAN WALK UP MOUNTAINS EFFORTLESSLY- FUCK YEAH! YOU’RE A MAGICAL HORSE AND HAVE A HORN THAT CAN IMPALE PEOPLE – FUCK YEAH!

con
You don’t exist. You don’t exist. You don’t exist.

Cerberus Jackalope Chupacabra Dahu

You don’t exist. You don’t exist. You don’t exist. You don’t exist.

Unicorn

You don’t exist.

November 2009, “Plus/Minus”

15

Favorite Multi-Animal Recipes From Around the World Hippeleraffe
(Hippo + Elephant + Giraffe)
Ingredients: 1 African Elephant - 1 Small Hippo - 1 Standard Giraffe - 50 lbs. cayenne - 40 lbs. chili powder - 15 lbs. salt Paprika to taste (about 22 lbs.) - 12 lbs. brown sugar Madden’s Cooking Tip: If you make this right, it’s the best of the multi-animal feasts and you’re a legend - if you make it bad, it’s not good. Now, when I make this, the elephant can go in the hippo OR the hippo can go in the elephant. Personally, I think it’s easier if you remove the hippo’s outer blubber. Make sure to keep the inner for real taste! Mix the dry ingredients and rub a thin layer over each animal. Now, you’re gonna wanna gently force the hippo into the Elephant’s ribcage with a bulldozer. I like to wrap the giraffe’s neck tight – like the ‘70s Pittsburg Steelers defense, they had the steel curtain, you know? I remember that curtain; it wasn’t soft. After you get the giraffe into the hippo use that dozer to make a big pit. Get some rebar and make a scaffold – like the shell of the Metrodome. This lets you cook it best all around – or as I like to say alldawayaround touchdown! Cook this baby to a char with flamethrowers!

John Madden’s
Kangaby
(Kangaroo + Wallaby)

Ingredients: Kangaroo (any number) - Wallaby (any number) - 1 cup lard per wallaby - 1 Teaspoon salt per wallaby - ½ Onion per wallaby - ½ Tomato per wallaby Spice to taste - Cilantro - Lime sauce - Jalapenos Madden’s Cooking Tip: Kangaroos and wallabies both have pouches, so you can add one to the other forever! They’re like those nest dolls they have in Russia! My personal best: 12 wallabies in 13 roos. It tasted like good tasting should taste: good. Remember, you need to marinate the Kangaroo overnight since their flavor is more boring than the ’76 Buccaneers offense! Any marinade will work-Pat Summerall likes a green chili sauce and I like Señor Garza’s Fiesta Loco Lime sauce. It makes the flavor boom! If you want juiciness, don’t forget to put one cup of lard in each Wallaby pouch. When I cook these babies I always make sure there’s enough room on the grill!

Humanan
(Human + Human)
Ingredients: 1 Large Human - 2-3 Small humans - 8 Onions - diced 2 heads garlic - diced 15 tomatoes - 3 blocks cheddar cheese - cubed 10 Bell Peppers Madden’s Cooking Tip: Because this is the most dangerous meal, it’s not the safest. But what it lacks in safety, it makes up for in being delicious. Delicious like a doinked field goal that doinked the right way: in! Now, you gotta keep in mind that you can fit a few smaller humans in one large human. Like with other people dishes, make sure your humans are as fresh. When I prepare this meal, I take notes on the largest and smallest people in my area and their habits. When you start drawing out the X’s and O’s of this dish, it might not look technical. You gotta fit a few people in another person? How hard can it be? But it can be hard to estimate how many little people squeeze in Gilbert Brown or Refrigerator Perry! Don’t worry about your first attempt, you’ll overestimate. That’s OK - cookin’ people is more art than science is what Pat always said when we cook Humanan on the bus, at the tailgate, in the studio. The best part of fall is eating Humanan. Makes you wonder how many people could fit in Steve Young is throwing the deep ball to Jerry Rice! You know how many defenders in the backfield they got covering Jerry Rice on the go-route? Post slant around the curl in back he’s wide open! It’s a touchdown because he’s in the endzone! Niners win! Boom, baby!

Humanzee
(Human + Chimpanzee) Ingredients: 1 Large Chimpanzee - 1 Normal Human - 2 bottles white cooking wine - 2 Cup flour - 5 Tbps Herbs de Provence - 1 Cup rosemary - 2 Sticks butter - 2 Heads garlic Madden’s Cooking Tip: If you’re like me, you like your human fresh. I’m gonna get serious here folks, because I don’t like to fool around when it comes to cooking people: even a day old person will give you a gamey taste and overpower the chimp’s delicate character. You see, the chimp’s flavor is like John Elway’s arm – it’s got the character to last sixteen years in the NFL and win you two late-career Superbowls! Black market corpses are all over the place in quality, so make sure you ask for the best dealer or murder someone with your own bare hands. Hey, it’s what I do, and if I do it, you know it should be done! Create a sauce from the wine, flour, and spices. Braise the Humanzee under moderate baking heat – about 5 hrs on 325. A Humanzee cooked right will remind your palate of red meat. I’ve eaten a lot of humans, and the experience is always like getting a first down, which give you a whole new set downs to go down the field and get a touchdown! And the best way to win is to score, just like the best way to eat is with food!
16

Jester of Columbia

Porn Novels
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Justifications for God Killing a Kitten

Black Beauty (same) The Cunt of Montie Christo Frank In Stein Heada Gobbler Lord of the Thighs A Midsummer Night’s Cream Rumpleforeskin A Tale of Two Titties The Backswing of Notre Dome A Hymenbreaking Work of Staggering Dicksize A Prayer for Owen’s Weenie F. Cock Fuckgerald’s The Great Orgasby J. D. “Jiant Dick” Salinger’s Catch ‘er in ‘er Eye Whora Kneel Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching Porn Hurt Bone-a-gut’s Fuckfest of Champions Pippi Longsucking James and the Giant Pussy Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (same) Hairy Cooter & The Sorcerer’s Bone (Hairy Cooter & The Philosopher’s Bone in the U.K.) Hairy Cooter & Its Chamber of Secrets Hairy Cooter & The Prisoner of Ass Play Hairy Cooter & The Gobbler of Balls Hairy Cooter & The Order of the Penis Hairy Cooter & The Half-Foot Prince Albert Hairy Cooter & The Deftly Swallowed For More, check out www.jesterofcolumbia.net

• Masturbating • Not RSVPing Making a joke involving the word “caulk” • Burning down an orphange • Killing several children • Eating a live puppy • Calling beers “brewskies”

Things I refuse to buy from a vending machine
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Condoms Pets Hookers Drugs Blow-up Dolls Money Freshly Cooked Ravioli Babies Hot Dogs Anything in a Red Box My College Degree A Blart Piercings Second Hand Tampons A Kidney

• • • • • • • • • • • • •

Concentration Camp Hungry, Hungry Hitlers The Game of Death TwiSSter Guess Jew Connect Foreskin Shoots and Showers or Chutes and Showers Apple to Ashes or Ashes to Ashes Jew Clue Nahtzee! Scattergory Daddy Doesn’t Wake Sorry

Holocaust Board Games

ark on D e l Jacks h e t uc s in Michae r B e ng tni hy ance ooks lik h g Li W D xl ny s o a C e n n so stee ourtneyergy y in NJ idn’t hav a it d Re ring ause Cserve En tric oss oad c e l y R c B e Sp BeTo Cone is no e’s the under him crgo
• • er e h Th ar to Th caus e his an he else Be caus ne c place • Be no o t no • So ’s go • He • •

November 2009, “Plus/Minus”

17

WHEN THE MASSIVELY SUCCESSFUL LOST SYMBOL BEGAN TO FLY OFF BOOKSHELVES, DAN BROWN’S PUBLISHER REQUESTED THAT THE AUTHOR WRITE A NEW MYSTERY, GODLY ADDITION, WHICH HE HAS ALREADY FINISHED. ALTHOUGH THE MANUSCRIPT IS CURRENTLY UNDER HEAVY GUARD IN A SWISS BANK, THE JESTER’S TEAM OF CRACK REPORTERS MANAGED TO GET THEIR HANDS ON A ONE-PAGE EXCERPT OF HIS NEW BOOK. SIT BACK, RELAX, AND ENJOY:

and it’s already 10 P.M. and the bomb is going to go off at - and that time betwe midnight, a time tw en the moment that o hours from right is right now and mi getting smaller! Yo now dnight that is curren u have to do someth tly two hours is only ing to between the time tha increase the time am t is now and the tim ount of time - two hours - that is e that the bomb will Foe Rain-Akcent had go off, Mr. Langdo never spoken truer n!” he would be perfor words. He had to act ming must solve the and act fast, and that action problem quickly - in fate of everyone at that fact be characterize MIT and the visitin d by its rapidity. Th g Pope rested literal able codex. He had e ly in his hands, in the see been running the rid mingly unsolvdle from the parchm body over and over ent they found nex in his head, but he t to the dead dean’s still did not have eve one and one two and n the slightest idea two and two four, the what it meant. I ma whole purpose of me answer that at this ke point was lost from is to create more. A four-le his mind, but he pau words that were his tter sed in thought at the clue: "Fuck, this, shi oth er four letter t". Despite every per had never found him ilous situation he had self more confused been in before, he than at this moment, edented confusion. as he stared at the cod This was truly the wo ex in unprecrk of an evil genius Back in the basement bent on destruction of the auditorium, Ho . immobile Pope, du ldz a Gr üg e sat sting his top hat and in the dark corner sta stroking his moustach ring at the before the students e. It would only be and faculty piled in a matter of time to hear the Supreme out his plan, cappin Pontiff speak and he g his master schem could finish carrying e with the triumph going to see the po of the students who pe speak instead see thought they were ing his master plan. “You will never get He laughed aloud at his away with this!” cri genius. holiness" that forsha ed the Pope, fuming dowed something sev with Holy rage, a "bu eral lines down fro rning “Oh but you see, I m this. most certainly will. After tonight, the edu never be the same! For years, I had to cat ion system and the put up with math tea Church will an imbecile and nu chers telling me I wa ns constantly remind s nothing more tha ing me that I should piling on more and n feel guilty for almost more shame with the everything I did, ir disapproval of my fact, one could des actions regardless of cribe their criticism their nature - in as false and counte loathing rather than rproductive, makin holy, a situation tha g me puritanical and t I find highly ironic behind my calculus self . Do book, abstaining fro you know how many m every sinful and days I spent prove them all wron carnal enjoyment of g? Day after day I a man’s sat behind my book n life, just to ballooning with kn s, my body growing owledge. Today, I am weaker, but my mi using that knowled Springing up from nd ge to bri ng you down, Fathe the stool, Grüge das r!” hed over to the Pope, fluttering in the wi nd behind him. Reach his ominous and bil ing into his coat po lowy black cape thrust it in the Pope’ cket he pulled out a s bound hands. large crucifix and “This isn’t to save you father. This is a hydrogen bomb, Holy Water, and mi made from the vap rroring the "burning ors of evaporated holiness" in the rag Tonight at twelve, e you felt toward me when everyone piles several lines before in for your midnigh and I will have my ! t mass, my two nem vengeance!” eses will be destroyed *** Twenty minutes and still no progress. He phrenic scientific gen knew that the Pope ius with the fashion was missing, a parano sense of Snidley Wh id schizosetts General Menta iplash had escaped l Ward, and that Fo from the Massachu e wa s a stereotypical and designed only to ser vice himself, a thinly sexist portrayal of a female sidekick veiled attempt of my see how they all add self to satisfy my ego ed up to this final clu , but he could not e. Holding his head and one two. He wa in thought he let ou s positively stumped, t a sigh. I make one letting out an additio before, neither the nal groan. Nothing Priori Scion, the Illu he had encountered minati, nor the Churc than whoever was h of Scientology, had behind the current clue. He had not sle confused him more through Boston, plu pt since yesterday’s s the wound on his chaotic car chase side from the unsee He gazed up at the, n villains knife was to the cross behind beginning to throb. the dais where the that he could figure Pope would have spo out the symbols me ken, and only hoped aning. Then sudden any before, someth ly, he came upon a dis ing which summed covery greater than up all of human exp combined two opera erience into one gre nds into the totalality at whole, which of their value, makin what he didn't know g a new whole exactl the word for, but as y equal to... to he reflected upon his discovery, his excitm ent increased

18

Jester of Columbia

November 2009, “Plus/Minus”

19

Q

Remember when they discovered 2 + 2 = 4?
We asked some of our senior readers where they were when the news broke.


“I’m still not quite sold on the idea, but it’s an interesting concept. 2 + 2 = 4! I never...” - Ben Pack, 88

My mother woke me up to watch the news. I was still in my pajamas, looking at the television in confusion; I didn’t quite understand what was happening. When I looked over, illuminated by the flickering blue light of the television screen was a single tear running down my mother’s pale face. - Ted Kloff, 76

“I ran away from home. Only for a night at my friend’s house of course, and when I came back my parents had dinner ready on the table. We never spoke of it, but things weren’t the same again.” - Gloria Umbert, 67

“I was peeved because I had to go back and relearn my math, but it made sense because I remember wondering how 2 + 2 and 2 + 3 could equal the same thing.” - Phil Hoff, 90

A

“All I know is my pops gave me the longest, biggest hug I ever got from him. We never really said much to each other. But I could hear his sobs. And then he was gone.” - Robert Stiegel, 69

“It was the strangest thing. I could have sworn I saw the sky burning that night but no one will admit they saw it too.” - Lana Cordry, 94

“I was--this is funny, I remember it so clearly--I was in math class and we were being taught 2 + 2 = 5! When Tommy Patterson ran in shouting the news, the class went hogwild! We threw our papers out the window, turned our desks around…(laughs) it was a real riot. The teacher couldn’t get us to quiet down. We killed her.” - Linda Schwartz, 84

20

Jester of Columbia

November 2009, “Plus/Minus”

21

SEESAW MADNESS

MIS
Bad idea:
22

placed thoughts

GOOD IDEA:

Dishonorable Discharges
-Atheist Pus -Tainted Semen

Ask a pretty girl if she wants to kiss your baby son.

Important Equations

Ask a pretty girl if she wants to kiss your twenty year-old son.

-Gay best friend + Lesbian enemy = bi-transexual who still won’t sleep with you -Truck – 4 wheels = Junk Truck with an American flag – 4 wheels = Trailer -Unicycle – one wheel = sad clown

Jester of Columbia

Binary Word Search
1 0 0 1 1 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1

Binary Words:
1. 10010101110 2. 11100010110000 3. 00101011101010 4. 100011101 5. 00011010110111 6. 1110010010110 7. 0010101110100 8. 0101110100 9. 111001001 10. 00111100101 11. 1101010101101001 12. 101010 13. 11010100 14. 10101001010010 15. 0011000 16. 0001111100010 17. 00101011101 18. 01010010101110

November 2009, “Plus/Minus”

23

The Rise and Fall of The
2009 AD
Discovered that A is better than AA and AAA only when it comes to bras. Killed itself.

SINGLE A BATTERY
1994 AD
Used to power the first prototypes of electrical pencils but device failed. Side effects included the occasional leaking of battery acid, nausea, and impotency. Prior to the ‘90s, the single A battery had been used to help stimulate plant growth by generating an electrical current in crops. However, after a few incidents involving a combination of both battery and hallucinogenic acids and also crop circles, the practice ceased. Probably caused Y2K. The real reason MC Hammer lost all of his money.

1973 AD

Powers the blimp in the Hindenburg Disaster, somehow causing it to explode. It was literally all downhill from then.

1968 AD

Brief increase in popularity when hippies try licking the batteries in search of the perfect high.

1939 AD

The first ever video game, called AOff, is created using two A batteries. The game consisted of two people touching the two batteries together. The first person to die loses. The game never really caught on.

1872 AD

1765 AD

Several carriages running on the A battery are constructed. The term horsepower is first used.

Powers the first prototypes of typewriters called handwriters. They are soon banned due to the Catholic Church mistaking them for vibrators.

767 BC

Invention of the first battery-powered candle.

Genesis

Used to power Noah’s Ark. Unfortunately, Noah was unaware that water and electric currents make for a disastrous combination. Thus, he can be blamed for the disappearance of unicorns.

Beginning of Time

Created along with humankind. God took one of man's ribs and made it into a battery, after which man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called A, because she was taken out of MAN."

24

Jester of Columbia

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