Buck – A - Book

Blonde Jokes

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Buck-A-Book Blonde Jokes © 2009, Thomas F. Shubnell. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. Making copies of any part of this book for any purpose other than your own personal use is a violation of United States copyright laws. Entering any of the contents into a computer for mailing list or database purposes is strictly prohibited unless written authorization is obtained from the owner.

Cover and interior design by TFS

Autohagiography

If you enjoy this, you will also love, “Gracious Me . . . Is othing Sacred.” A non-sectarian and hilarious look at all religions from the beginning of time. It truly proves that laughter is good for the soul. Medical humor abounds in “Medical Humor” medical nonsense to tickle your funnybone. A great collection of medical funny stuff, including stories, jokes, and hilarious pictures and cartoons. Another wacky book, “Men vs. Women, a Book of Lists” examines life from a different perspective and tells it all - the differences between the sexes are real and funny. Even more fun can be found in “The Best of Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky,” a collection of the best Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky jokes of all time. More hilarious reading can be found in “Giggles, Gags, and Quips, Special Picks” a collection of the best jokes, pictures, billboards, stories, and cartoons. Also collect all of the “Greatest Jokes of the Century” series of books. They are wildly funny and hilarious compendiums of the greatest jokes, tidbits, stories, and trivia that are sure to induce uncontrollable laughter. The best bathroom reading since Readers Digest. All written by Thomas F. Shubnell and available at Amazon.com Also ask for them at your favorite bookstore You might want to check out my website at: shubsbooks.com Or visit my blog at: shubsthoughts.blogspot.com

Table of Contents

Blondeomania ..............................................................................5

Quickies ........................................................................ 6
Blonde Stories ............................................................................19

Dropping a Load ......................................................... 20 Another Breathalyzer.................................................. 21 X-Ray Glasses ............................................................ 22 Flying Blonde ............................................................. 23 Blonde Easter.............................................................. 24 T G I F ........................................................................ 26 Jamaica ....................................................................... 27 Bus Trip ...................................................................... 28 Blond Jockey .............................................................. 29 Blondes ....................................................................... 30 I Hate Lunch ............................................................... 32 Voice Activated .......................................................... 33 Craps........................................................................... 34 Dents........................................................................... 35 Blonde Detectives....................................................... 36 Blonde Burial.............................................................. 38 Flowers ....................................................................... 39 Alligator Shoes ........................................................... 40 Bus 54 ......................................................................... 41 Hardware..................................................................... 42 Blonde......................................................................... 43 Silver Thermos ........................................................... 44 Rescue......................................................................... 45

Blonde Jokes

Blondeomania

5

Blonde Jokes

QUICKIES

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers? Her IQ goes up.

"
Did you hear about the blonde who went into the bar and ordered twenty one drinks? She saw the sign that said, “No one served under 21.”

"
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see.” So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, no wonder it looks familiar, it’s me.”

"
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

"
6

Blonde Jokes

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead and ask me, I know all of them.” The redhead said, “What’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s easy, ‘W’.”

"
What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex? Opens the car door.

"
A blonde, in her fourth year as a freshman, was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what decision Roe vs. Wade was. She sat there for quite a while, pondering this very profound question. She finally sighed and said, “I think that was the decision George Washington made when he crossed the Delaware.”

"
Do you know what a space probe is? It’s what the doctor uses when he looks in a blonde’s ears.

"
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

"
7

Blonde Jokes

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No honey, don’t do it!” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next.”

"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind cop.”

"
She’s so dumb that she went to a party dressed as a piñata.

"
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One yells to the other, “How do I get to the other side?” The other replies, “You are on the other side.”

8

Blonde Jokes

"
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at two in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said, “How should I know, that’s two hundred miles from here,” and hung up. The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife answered, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

"
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she’s eighteen.

"
A blonde walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asks the clerk. “Oh, good heavens, have we come to this?” said the woman. “Give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist.”

"
Worried father to blonde teenage daughter, “I don’t like your new boyfriend. He’s rough and crude.” “Oh daddy, you’re wrong. He’s so clever. Why I’ve only been dating him for nine weeks and he already cured me of that illness I used to get every month.”

9

Blonde Jokes

"
A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.” The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

"
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. It is the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

"
Last week my blonde wife was going out shopping so I asked her to pick up some deodorant for me. When she got to the counter, the clerk asked her if she wanted the ball type. She said, “No, he wants it for under his arms.”

"
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.”

"
What do a blond and a beer bottle have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.

10

Blonde Jokes

"
Do you know how to measure the IQ of a dumb blonde? With a tire gauge.

"
A blonde calls the customer support number for her office fax machine. Blonde caller, “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?” Tech, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand who you are talking about.” Blond Caller, “On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”

"
Zookeeper, “Lady, run for your life. The lion has escaped from the zoo.” Blonde, “Well, I have nothing to worry about.” Zookeeper, “Why not?” Blonde, “It’s a man-eating lion, isn’t it?”

"
What do smart blondes and UFO’s have in common? You always hear about them, but never see them.

"
11

Blonde Jokes

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, a guy asked, “Where did you get that?” The pig replied, “I won her in a raffle.”

"
What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? The prostitute says, “Are you done yet?” The nymphomaniac says, “Are you done already?” The blonde says, “Beige, I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

"
I know of a dumb blonde that tried to make Kool Aid, but wasn’t sure how to get all of that water into such a little package.

"
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? For throwing out the Ws.

"
A blonde was walking down the street and had a glove on one hand and not on other. Her friend asked her why she had only one glove on. The blonde replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

"
12

Blonde Jokes

Do you know how to put a twinkle in a dumb blonde’s eye? Shine a flashlight into her ear.

"
What do blondes do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.

"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the fourth row stands on her chair and begins shouting. She yelled, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor.” The ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde yells, “You stay out of this. I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”

"
Elvis will always be remembered as he stands among the throng of Californian blondes and again makes true, the old adage that, “In the kingdom of the blonde, the one dyed man is king.”

13

Blonde Jokes

"
We were in the office discussing technology issues and I asked a blonde tech, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

"
Salesperson to blonde, “Madam, do you want it scented or unscented?” Blonde, “I’ll uh, take it with me.”

"
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther, Florida or the Moon?” The other blonde turns and says, “Helloo, can you see Florida?”

"
Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see, “Closed for the winter.”

"
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

"
14

Blonde Jokes

A young blonde student comes to her professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels in front of him and says, “I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her long blonde hair, and gazes seductively into his eyes, “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do absolutely any thing.” He returns her gaze and says, “Anything?” “Yes, anything” His voice softens, “You mean that you would do anything to pass this test?” She smiles mischievously, “Anything.” His voice turns to a whisper, “Would you . . . study?”

"
A blonde is tired of being ridiculed by her friends and decides to learn to play an instrument. She points and tells the music store clerk, “Give me that red trumpet over there and that accordion.” The clerk asks, “Are you sure?” She says, “Yes, I am sure. I am determined to learn to play an instrument.” The clerk says, “I guess you can have the fire extinguisher, but we have to keep the radiator.”

"
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalator for five hours.

15

Blonde Jokes

"
A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a picture of a naked man. As he walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies, a striking young blonde, had sketched the man with an erection. The professor was frustrated and said, “Oh no, I wanted it the other way.” The blonde replied, “What other way?”

"
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said, “What can I get you, gorgeous?” The woman, blushed and replied, “If you are sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.” The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman’s ear, “Would that be before or after I got the drinks?”

"
And then there was a blonde woman parked on the shoulder of the road. A policeman was giving her a speeding ticket. “But officer,” she said, “How could I possibly be going eighty miles an hour? I’ve only been driving fifteen minutes.”

"
16

Blonde Jokes

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which, that the eye doctor, took paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. “Look,” said the doctor, “There’s no need to get emotional about getting glasses.” “I know,” agreed the blonde, “But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.”

"
There are ninety nine blondes on a plane and one brunette. The captain gets on the speaker and says that they are going down, and they need to drop all the luggage. They are still going down so they drop out all the chairs. They are still going down so the crew drops the floor, and all the passengers are hanging by their hands from the top on the plane with no floor. The captain gets on the speaker and says, “One person must jump in order to save the rest.” The brunette says, “I’ll sacrifice my life,” and all the blondes start clapping.

"
17

Blonde Jokes

Do you know what Blonde paint is? It's a type of paint that's not very bright, cheap and spreads easy.

"
Why do blondes go to R-rated movies in groups of 18? Because they heard that under 17 are not admitted.

"
A blonde walks into work, and both of her ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?” She says, “Yesterday I was ironing a skirt when the phone rang and SSSSS. . . I accidentally answered the iron.” The boss says, “That explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?” She says, “I had to call the doctor.”

"
The blonde had a big problem. Her friend installed a screensaver on her computer, but every time she moved the mouse, it disappeared.

"
A newlywed couple was on their honeymoon in the Bahamas. One day while sunbathing, the husband’s thingy became sunburned. In pain, he went back to their room to seek some relief. He opened up the refrigerator and found a bottle of milk. He poured a glass and soaked his irritated thingy within. As he was standing there, his blonde wife walked in, looked at him, and said, “So that’s how it’s done. I always wondered how you guys filled that thing up.”

"
18

Blonde Jokes

Blonde Stories

19

Blonde Jokes

DROPPING A LOAD

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and I noticed that you are losing some of your load.” The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Heather and I noticed that you are losing some of your load.” Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and I noticed that you are losing some of your load.” When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says, “Hi, my name is Jeff. It’s winter, and I’m driving a salt truck.”

20

Blonde Jokes

ANOTHER BREATHALYZER

After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the driver’s window, he was surprised to find a very attractive blonde behind the wheel. “Madam,” he said, “I’m afraid we are going to have to give you a Breathalyzer” “A breathalyzer?” said the blonde “What’s that?” “You blow into this device,” explained the officer, “And it tests your breath to see whether or not you have been drinking.” The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, “Lady, you have had a couple of stiff ones.” “That’s amazing,” the girl cried. “You mean it shows that too.”

21

Blonde Jokes

X-RAY GLASSES

A blonde guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn’t fully convinced they are worth fifty dollars. The salesman assures him that they work and that fifty dollars is a great price, so he buys them. On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and bingo, everyone he sees in the street seems to be naked. He takes them glasses off for a moment, and everyone seems to have their clothes on. He tries it again and puts the glasses back on and everyone appears naked. As the guy arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, but can’t find her. He goes to the bedroom and finds his wife naked in bed with some guy. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. He throws down the glasses in disgust and says, “Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these, and they’re already broken.”

22

Blonde Jokes

FLYING BLONDE

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. Up the blonde went. She reached one thousand feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached two thousand feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At three thousand feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly. It skimmed the top of some trees and crash-landed in the woods. The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. “What happened?” The instructor asked. “All was going so well until you reached three thousand feet. What happened then?” The blonde looked up and said, “I got cold, so I turned off the big fan.”

23

Blonde Jokes

BLONDE EASTER

Three blondes died and are at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter tells them they can enter the Gates if they can answer one simple question. Saint Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together eats turkey, and are thankful.” “Wrong,” replies Saint Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.” Saint Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she is wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, “What is Easter?” The third blonde smiles confidently and looks Saint Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says Saint Peter. “Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
24

Blonde Jokes

Saint Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

25

Blonde Jokes

TGIF

The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a lovely blonde already inside greeted me by saying, “T-G - I F.” I smiled at her and replied, “S - H - I - T.” She looked at me and said again, “T - G - I - F.” I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, “S - H - I - T.” The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possible, “T - G I – F.” Then I smiled back at her and again replied, “S - H - I - T.” The blonde decided to explain, and said, “T - G - I- F. Thank Goodness It’s Friday.” I answered back, “S - H - I- T. Sorry Honey, It’s Thursday.”

26

Blonde Jokes

JAMAICA

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave. The blonde she says, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The stewardesses don’t know what to do since they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

27

Blonde Jokes

BUS TRIP

A group of all blondes and a group of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles. The brunette asks, “What the heck is going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs.” One of the blondes looks up and says to her, “Yeah, but you have a driver.”

28

Blonde Jokes

BLOND JOCKEY

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately leaps into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune - Brad, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

29

Blonde Jokes

BLONDES

What do you call an eternity? Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop. Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said, “Disneyland Left,” so they turned around and went home. What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Look daddy, doughnut seeds. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. Why can’t blondes dial 911? They can’t find the number 11 on the phone. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she has a grenade in her mouth. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor. Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.

30

Blonde Jokes

A blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, “Oh look at the dead bird.” The blonde looked skyward and said, “Where, where?” How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in spring training. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? “Look. They spelled MACY’S wrong.” How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her joke on Wednesday.

31

Blonde Jokes

I HATE LUNCH

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a blonde were doing construction work on scaffolding on the twentieth floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage, if I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again, if I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.” The blonde opened her lunch and said, “Bologna again, if I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.” The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The blonde opened her lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to her death as well. At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again.” The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.” Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s husband. “Hey, don’t look at me,” he said. “She makes her own lunch.”

32

Blonde Jokes

VOICE ACTIVATED

A blonde bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn’t figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. “Watch this.” he said, “Nelson.” The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?” “Willie,” he said. “On The Road Again,” came blaring from the speakers. The blond drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she would say, “Beethoven,” she would hear the most beautiful classical music. When she wanted something more fun, she would say, “Beatles.” One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved just in time to avoid him. “Assholes,” she yelled. The new radio began to play the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie Chicks.

33

Blonde Jokes

CRAPS

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice, and yelled, “Mama needs some new clothes!” Then she hollered, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!” She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

Moral: ot all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

34

Blonde Jokes

DENTS

A blonde was driving home and was caught in a very bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into the car’s tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate came home and said, “What are you doing?” The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Helloo. I’m sure you need to roll up the windows first.”

35

Blonde Jokes

BLONDE DETECTIVES

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five second and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye.” The policeman says, “That’s because the picture shows his profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair, and says, “He would be too easy to catch because he only has one ear.” The policeman responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile. Is that the best answer you can come up with?” Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

36

Blonde Jokes

The policeman is speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a smile on his face. I can’t believe it’s true. The suspect does wear contact lenses. Good work. How were you able to make such an astute observation?” “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

37

Blonde Jokes

BLONDE BURIAL

Two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman, all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. In due time he passed away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Miami Beach with their uncle all packed up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, “Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?” Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, “Nope, not yet Bubbles.” So they row out a little bit farther. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, “Do you think were out far enough now?” Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.” So on they row and row and row. Finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. “Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?” “Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.”

38

Blonde Jokes

FLOWERS

Blonde and brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason.” The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, “What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?” The brunette says, “Oh, yes, but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.” The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

39

Blonde Jokes

ALLIGATOR SHOES

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one.” The blonde was determined as she turned and headed for the swamps to catch her own alligator. The shopkeeper closed his business and was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water with a shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. The blonde flipped the alligator on its back and yelled, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either.”

40

Blonde Jokes

BUS 54

A blonde is visiting Canberra. This is her first time to the city, and she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can’t find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. “Excuse me, officer,” the blonde says, “How do I get to the Parliament House?” The officer says, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It will take you there.” The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, “Excuse me, but to get to the Parliament House, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?” The blonde says, “Don’t worry officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by.”

41

Blonde Jokes

HARDWARE

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his blonde wife, Mary Sue to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Sue saw a beautiful tea pot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Billie Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Billie Bob was finished, Mary Sue asked how much for the teapot. Billie Bob replied, “That’s silver and it costs a hundred and fifty bucks.” “My goodness, that sure is a lot of money,” Mary Sue exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Billie Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Billie Bob yelled, “Mary Sue, you wanna screw for that hinge?” Mary Sue replied, “No, but I will for the tea pot.”

42

Blonde Jokes

BLONDE

She was so blonde that: She spent twenty minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said ‘concentrate’. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK. She thought a quarterback was a refund. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. She tripped over a cordless phone. At the bottom of the application when it said, ‘sign here’, she wrote Sagittarius. If she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless. She studied for a blood test and failed. She sold her car for gas money. When she heard that ninety percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

43

Blonde Jokes

SILVER THERMOS

A blonde was shopping and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, “That is a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” “Wow,” said the blonde, “That’s amazing, I’ll buy it.” She bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who is also blonde, saw it on her desk and asked, “What’s that?” “That’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied. “Wow, that’s amazing. What do you have in it?” asked the boss. “Two Popsicles and some coffee.”

44

Blonde Jokes

RESCUE

One day a man, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman rises from the water wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, “Tell me how long it has been since you have had a cigarette?” Ten years,” replies the stunned man. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Wow, that’s wonderful.” And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good whiskey?” she asks him. The castaway replies, “Ten years.” She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, “Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic.” At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the entire front of her wet suit. She looks at the man seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you have played around?” With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh my, don’t tell me you have golf clubs in there too.”

45

Blonde Jokes

46

He who laughs. . . lasts!

Laughter is good for the soul Laughter is good for the heart It can never be stolen If you give it away, it comes back Once you have it, you always want more

“Break the rules...forgive quickly...kiss slowly...love deeply...laugh uncontrollably...and never regret anything that made you smile.” ~ Unknown

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