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An invaluable lesson there for any of you who have never been in a car. In the very unlikely event of an emergency landing, your inflatable safety jacket is under your seat, and that is precisely where I recommend it stay, given that the largest body of water between here and Luton is a open-air swimming pool in Daventry. Finally, please keep your mobile phones switched off for the duration of the flight. Obviously, they have no effect whatsoever on our navigational equipment or we wouldn’t let you have them, but they drive me up the wall. Thank you, and enjoy your flight. -----[Opening Credits] “This week: Boston!” -----MARTIN: Fitton approach. This is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India, climbing to six thousand feet, left turn, direct Luton. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Okey dokey, have fun. MARTIN: Carl. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Roger, Golf Tango India. MARTIN: Thank you. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: You’re welcome. Don’t fly into anything I wouldn’t fly into. DOUGLAS: Post take-off checks complete. MARTIN: Thank you, Douglas. Could you balance the fuel please? [Silence] MARTIN: Douglas, the fuel. DOUGLAS: Sorry, Captain, can’t help you. MARTIN: [sighs] Simon says, ‘could you balance the fuel?’ DOUGLAS: By all means. You know, you can give up anytime you like. It’s been six trips. MARTIN: No, I can get you. Besides, I want another go. I know I can do better than last time. DOUGLAS: What, even better than, “Shall we play Simon Says, Martin? Okay, I’ll go first, Douglas. Tell me when you’re ready, Martin. I’m ready, Douglas – ugh.” I don’t know, Martin, you’ve set the bar punishingly high. [Door opens] CAROLYN: Ah, gentlemen. MARTIN: Oh, dear. CAROLYN: What? MARTIN: It’s always trouble when we’re gentlemen. I prefer it when we’re imbeciles. DOUGLAS: Or dolts. MARTIN: ‘Dolts’ is good, yes. CAROLYN: No, this is good news. I have another job for you. MARTIN: We’ve already got another job this week. CAROLYN: Indeed you have. So stand by for another ‘nother job. The fine people at Algonquin Charter Air have excellently grounded a Gulfstream at Luton, which leaves them with a whole parcel of cross Americans who aren’t in America, but would like to be. And guess who’s making their dream come true? Our very own selves. MARTIN: We can’t do it. CAROLYN: We can do it, we will do it, and we are doing it. Does that answer your question? MARTIN: It wasn’t a question, Carolyn. It was a statement. The Istanbul trip is Thursday night. CAROLYN: I know. We get back Thursday morning. MARTIN: But we have to have twelve hours’ rest between trips. CAROLYN: I know. Because you are lazy, lazy pilots. So, we get to Boston Wednesday morning, twelve hours break. Fly home Wednesday evening, arrive Thursday morning, twelve hours break. Off to Istanbul. Perfect. MARTIN: But – I’ve got my easyJet interview on Wednesday afternoon.
PASSENGER: And I can smoke. PASSENGER: Yeah. PASSENGER: I’m not cooperating. PASSENGER: Well. Please do let me know or a member of my team know if we can help you at any time. nice try. ours don’t mostly.’ DOUGLAS: Certainly. easyJet. PASSENGER: How old are you. Why do you think the ‘No Smoking’ signs go on and off? ARTHUR: Actually. and cigarillos must be extinguished upon embarkation and retained in a state of extinguishment until termination of disembarkation. for instance. easy go. Although one of them flickers. And then… thank you. ARTHUR: Er – CAROLYN: Hello. CAROLYN: You can still do that. I bet it was loads. Ah! . madam. It’s my pleasure to serve you today. So. Good evening. help me out here. I don’t care what you do in your twelve hours. Thank you so very much and please do enjoy the rest of your flight. ARTHUR: [pause] No. could you give me the fuel check at the last way point? [Silence] MARTIN: Simon says. cigars. and as such result of this. PASSENGER: Well. And there’s one we can’t turn on at all because it makes the cabin smell of fish. sir? Excuse me? PASSENGER: Yeah? What? ARTHUR: May I inform yourself that MJN does run a fully comprehensive non-smoking service. It was so much that it seems to me that uh [inhales] I can pretty much smoke where I like. all cigarettes. It’s all the same to me. Welcome to being onboard to you today. sir. DOUGLAS: Aw. here we go again. Thank yourself for your cooperation. MARTIN: Nearly got you though. sir. Arthur. okay? ARTHUR: But – it – it’s very dangerous to smoke on an aeroplane. ‘give me the fuel check at the last way point. good guess. PASSENGER: No. by extinguishing that cigarette for you. didn’t I? DOUGLAS: No. get this gentlemen a fresh glass of wine please. MARTIN: Douglas. DOUGLAS: I’m afraid I can’t do that – for two reasons. Welcome also to you today onboard. it was loads. I was smoking on airplanes for twenty years before you were born. [Alarm beeps] DOUGLAS: Ah. not yet. -----[On the flight deck] MARTIN: Douglas. it’s not. uh. such as. You can sleep or try to sneak away from my company like a sniveling rat. PASSENGER: Do you know how much I paid to be on this flight today? ARTHUR: Oh. er. right? ARTHUR: Yep. Let’s see what vital part’s fallen off the old girl this time. [Cigarette fizzles] PASSENGER: Hey! CAROLYN: Oh. sonny? ARTHUR: Twenty-eight-and-a-half. that sure gives me confidence. Good evening. But… I’m sure you’re going to in a minute.DOUGLAS: Ah well. MARTIN: Damn! CAROLYN: Please tell me you’re not still playing Simon Says. dear. Welcome aboard today. Oh. Welcome on board. This one seems to be a bit [chuckles] cigarette-y. ARTHUR: [pause] I don’t know what to say now. -----[Passengers murmuring] ARTHUR: Good evening. Ten minutes early and seven hundred kilos up on flight plan. [inhales] we’re all done here.
I was under the impression that the aircraft was on fire. I bet the guys call you ‘Captain Hawkeye!’ MARTIN: Are you aware that ten minutes ago I was on the point of aborting the flight? MR. MR. so you weren’t on the point of aborting anything now. [Pause] CAROLYN: Do it. Lehman? MR. for goodness’ sakes! Why don’t people just blindly obey anymore? He needs your hat because I want the captain to go down there and strike terror into his heart. please extinguish your cigarette. LEHMAN: Okay. I need you to give Douglas your hat. Looks wet down there. Keep your goggles on. LEHMAN: Right. I know. MARTIN: You didn’t say ‘Simon says. I must demand – MR. MARTIN: Yes. [ding] Carolyn. make a mental note that that trick never works. sir. as the commander of this vessel. Because your tin pot. give Douglas your hat. and return to your seat. Unless you chat them up in a bar. Well. take the paper cup off the smoke alarm. You think you can scare me by marching down here in your Fisher Price. MARTIN: Douglas. What are you gonna do. MR. Captain. You’re not going to strike terror into anyone’s heart. The man in the loo refuses to come out. so give Douglas your hat. It’s just stroppy Mr. little one-airplane outfit needs me and my business about a zillion times more than I need you.MARTIN: What is it? DOUGLAS: Shall I tell you an interesting thing about this thin metal tube full of petrol we’re flying hundreds of miles above the Atlantic Ocean? MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: It’s on fire. -----[CAROLYN knocks on the door of the loo] PASSENGER: It’s taken! CAROLYN: Sir. I know. LEHMAN: Oh. shall we? -----MARTIN: Mr. Commander? Have me arrested? No. CAROLYN: Oh. Lehman in 3B. DOUGLAS: Master caution fire. I don’t want to take his hat. LEHMAN: Aw. passenger loo. MARTIN: I’m sure to you those two sentences follow another naturally. but I don’t quite see the logi – CAROLYN: I don’t need you to see. MARTIN: But I’m the captain! CAROLYN: I am only too painfully aware that you are the captain.’ CAROLYN: I am not playing your game. MR. it was just me [inhales] smokin’. when-I-grow-up-I-want-to-be-a-pilot costume? Give me a break! You’re not the commander of anything! You’re a little guy who can’t get a game with the big boys and wears a uniform like a rear admiral’s to make up for the fact that he’s basically just a flying cabbie! Am I right? MARTIN: NO! No! You’re not right! You’re – a very rude man! You can’t speak to me like that. I wouldn’t do that if I were you. MARTIN: Because. I’m the . MARTIN: Right. let’s just see about that. sir. we’ve got a – CAROLYN: Yes. LEHMAN: Yuuup? MARTIN: I notice you’re no longer in the toilet cubicle. But Douglas actually looks and sounds like a captain. DOUGLAS: If it helps. Hang on. that’s about enough. were you? MARTIN: Sir. PASSENGER: Nope! -----[Door opens] CAROLYN: Martin. MARTIN: I don’t want to give him my hat. Martin. LEHMAN: No. I know. Smoke detector. MARTIN: Ah. And I’ll tell you why not.
he’s in. LEHMAN: Okay. it can only be a real fire. he’s up. Skipper! [Door opens] MR. ARTHUR: Yes. just to override the door lock and immediately discharge the fire extinguisher into any flame you see. you’ll be the first person I call. in that unlikely event. Well. -----ARTHUR: [whispers] Okay. my chest. Arthur. You know? Like a book. The thing is though. MARTIN: Standby. ARTHUR: Okay. any flame I see. Arthur. MARTIN: Okay. MARTIN: And if I ever want the people of Ipswich understood.. glow-y one. And so I’m authorizing you. standby. Lehman about our non-smoking policy? ARTHUR: Er. And therefore. I mean… I certainly didn’t notice if he made you cry. but what I’ve got that you haven’t is that Mum sent me on a course on understanding people in Ipswich. save us all! ARTHUR: Yes. ARTHUR: Mm. Skip. -----[Door opens] DOUGLAS: How did it go? MARTIN: Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! . oh. Arthur? ARTHUR: Yes. Douglas! Now. LEHMAN enters loo] ARTHUR: Okay. I wasn’t – I wasn’t really looking. actually! White Fang! Twice! Anyway.Arthur? DOUGLAS: Well. I mean. did you see me inform Mr. Meanwhile – ARTHUR: Yeah. no! Emergency! Emergency! The plane is on fire! Arthur. bringing my people reading skills to the table. with all due respect. Captain. right. MARTIN: [tearfully] I’m not crying! Your smoke got in my eyes. for the love of God. and therefore. oh. Arthur. I reckon he might smoke in the loo again. aye. God. Arthur. MARTIN: I was not crying. DOUGLAS: [singing] Smoke gets in your eyes… MARTIN: Shut up. in a nutshell. His smoke got in my eyes. ARTHUR: Aye. MARTIN: No. MARTIN: That’s right. You run along now and uh [inhales] try not to cry into any important equipment. we can’t afford to take chances. Or not. not to waste time knocking. anything you say five times is obviously true. we’ve already had one fire scare on this trip. he won’t.. Even if it’s just a little tiny.captain! MR. I’m able to reveal to you now that Mr. and since we know that Mr. [Alarm beeps] MARTIN: [very fake] Oh. Lehman didn’t show any of the five indicators of true resolve to change his behavior patterns. Skipper? MARTIN: Right. MARTIN: Listen carefully. Arthur. Skipper. yeah. DOUGLAS: Have you ever read a book. LEHMAN humming] ARTHUR: He’s on the move. LEHMAN: Hey! What the – ARTHUR: Fiiire! MR. Lehman has been fully informed of the policy and therefore certainly won’t be smoking in the loo again – ARTHUR: Actually. he definitely won’t. but it means I can now read people. [Door opens and closes as MR. ARTHUR: Ahhh. ahh – . [MR. he probably didn’t. if the smoke alarm does go off again. I think he might. LEHMAN: Wha – Ahhh! Oh – dahhh! Oh! Oh.
yes. I should think. DOUGLAS: Martin. Thomas Price. MARTIN: Yes. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Well. DOUGLAS: Well. so forty minutes closer to home. Otherwise. Reykjavik’s much closer. [Bing-bong] MARTIN: Ladies and gentlemen. we should! Haven’t you done it yet? MARTIN: Oh.[Thud heard as MR. I do apologize for the inconvenience. Reykjavik. he’s looking at a huge malpractice suit. MARTIN: You’re joking. could they please come to the flight deck door. [Door opens] DOUGLAS: Okay. very little traffic on your track this evening. If anyone would. Mr. Captain Crieff here again. Here we are! 7A. contact Iceland. Captain. it is. If he tries to treat him and anything goes wrong. and we’re what… twenty minutes off midway. right. once again. [Door closes] AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Golf Tango India. we will have to make an unscheduled stop today in. There’s no question we have to turn round is the decision I imagine you have come to. exactly. if there is a person with medical training on board. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Roger. We have a serious passenger medical emergency and wish to return as soon as possible. turn right to Reykjavik. I’m sorry to have to tell you. Dr. Where is he? DOUGLAS: Lying low. Maintain three-three-zero. MARTIN: Okay. would you? [Silence] MARTIN: [sighs] Simon says. Thank you. MARTIN: Oh. Carolyn’s not going to like it much. MARTIN: Go and have a quick look at him for me. Roger. DOUGLAS: No. a life’s at stake. Really? I was thinking we could just go back home. You ditch into the nearest airfield. MARTIN: What? Why? DOUGLAS: Too scared of being sued. I thought you said it was a medical emergency. would you?’ DOUGLAS: Then Simon shall be obeyed. I’ll coordinate. LEHMAN collapses] ARTHUR: Fire’s out. MARTIN: How’s he looking? DOUGLAS: Well. obviously. Lehman would. and when in range. because on the other hand. Golf Tango India. MARTIN: But surely no one will sue someone for trying to save their life! DOUGLAS: Let’s face it. right. Especially going to America. I’m sure you’ll understand that as we have a passenger on board in need of urgent medical attention. erm. a passenger has been taken ill. It’s a serious medical emergency. And. MARTIN: [sighs] I – I was just thinking. of course. This is Captain Crieff speaking. yeah. so if there is anyone with medical training on board. this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India. right. in Reykjavik. great. won’t she? I mean. we’ve moved him to the galley. Carolyn will understand. ‘go and have a quick look at him for me. MARTIN: Okay. I’m sure I saw a doctor on the load sheet. [Beeps] MARTIN: Shanwick. that’s irrelevant. [Bing] [Door opens] CAROLYN: Reykjavik! . maybe we ought to turn the plane round. -----[Bing-bong] MARTIN: Good evening. Thank you. one-one-eight-decimal-zerofive. he’s covered in foam and he’s had a heart attack. please do make yourself known to us. Standby.
no. you sound like you’re coughing up a hairball. I’ve made a command decision. [Bing bong] . He’ll have friends. Where can we tempt you with this time? Tenerife’s very nice this time of year. if there’s a doctor on board. Shanwick. just as he would be getting into the ambulance in Reykjavik. didn’t she? MARTIN: What. We are almost halfway. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Ah. it would be really super to see them in the galley. CAROLYN: Good command decision. he’ll be alone in a foreign land. Boston’s an extra forty minutes away. MARTIN: Carolyn. I was just thinking it over. MARTIN: Yes. and I realize it’s actually almost as quick to – DOUGLAS: Carolyn got to you. Thank you. and they retain even a hazy memory of their Hippocratic Oath. what are you going to tell his family? [Beep] MARTIN: Hello. turn the plane around. she didn’t get to me. listen. he goes to hospital in his hometown. hello. Roger. thank you. that’s not all that – DOUGLAS: If he dies thirty minutes out of Boston. CAROLYN: And what’s wrong with the hospitals in Boston? MARTIN: Nothing’s wrong with them! They’re terribly good! But they’re fifteen hundred miles away. Boston can’t be more than what… just… forty minutes further. And putting aside the thousands and thousands of pounds it will cost. Route direct to fifty-one North thirty West and resume your previously cleared track. If we carry on. He lives in Boston.MARTIN: Carolyn. So I thought it might be a touching gesture if we tried to get him to a hospital. We’d like to continue to Boston. Golf Tango India. MARTIN: No. CAROLYN: Why in the wide world are we going to Reykjavik? MARTIN: Because – and I know on a busy flight. if it isn’t the bouncing bomb. CAROLYN: But do you have any idea what it’ll cost to land in Iceland? And find everyone accommodation and reroute tomorrow and miss Istanbul? MARTIN: A man may be dying back there! CAROLYN: A horrible man. you might have missed this – your son hosed a passenger down with a fire extinguisher and gave him a heart attack. this is Golf Tango India. Price. forty minutes. don’t rush into anything because I have literally nothing better to do with my time than ping you around the Atlantic Ocean all the live-long day. ladies and gentlemen. MARTIN: Reykjavik will be fine. And. She just happened to make a couple of valid points and – DOUGLAS: Martin. DOUGLAS: No. just because a passenger is rude to you doesn’t mean they deserve to die. well. If he goes to some hospital in Iceland. It’s Golf Tango India here again. look at it from his point of view. well. Martin? MARTIN: I’m trying to flush out Dr. [Beep] MARTIN: Shanwick. We wish to cancel our emergency. DOUGLAS: It’s the wrong decision. his family will have to fly over to be with him – maybe they’ll be too late – all for the sake of forty minutes. DOUGLAS: What are you doing. I repeat. [Door opens and closes] [Bing-bong] MARTIN: Sorry to disturb you again. His family and his friends are right there – MARTIN: Friends? CAROLYN: He’s rich. is he? That’s nice. Just to let you know that we will after all be continuing our journey to Boston. Martin. CAROLYN: Okay. See you later. Why are you turning back to Boston? MARTIN: Oh. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Oh. CAROLYN: Reykjavik! Reykjavik! REYKJAVIK! MARTIN: Carolyn. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Are you sure now? I mean. Captain. all better now.
over and over again. I’m so sorry. this is Captain Crieff once again. a doctor! Good Lord. We’ll go to Boston. MARTIN: You’re not listening to me. PRICE: Yeah. Price. [Bing] -----[Curtains pushed aside] MAN: Hello? MARTIN: Oh. DOUGLAS: You could tell her we no longer have enough fuel left to get to Boston safely. MARTIN: What? DR. Do it. then never mind. PRICE: Not anymore. PRICE: Doctor Price. and if that doctor has quite finished his chicken casserole. this is the patient. but if you really need to get past him. Lehman – CAROLYN: Is dead! God rest his grumpy soul. is it? DR. a doctor on board. if there is in fact. and despite the deafening silence so far.MARTIN: Ladies and gentlemen. PRICE: Okay. if there is one thing you’ve proved on this trip. but she’s right. what a stroke of luck! The very thing we’re looking for. and by the way. MARTIN: Oh. Or were we just caught in a slow motion hurricane? MARTIN: But. just to let you know that I misspoke a little just now. but this guy doesn’t need a doctor. and – ooh – coffee with milk no sugar. hello! Mr. CAROLYN: Martin. We will in fact be diverting to Reykjavik Airport as planned. then maybe such a hypothetical doctor might like to stop flicking through the duty-free catalog and thoughtfully pulling on his sandy mustache. I know. Or has one of us made some sort of really embarrassing mistake? MARTIN: Wha – Oh. I didn’t… DR. blueberry cheesecake. Well. we no – DOUGLAS: But we do. if there isn’t a doctor on board. But. So he doesn’t need an ambulance. [Beeps] . CAROLYN: Douglas? DOUGLAS: My pleasure. PRICE: I think. isn’t it? Speaking of which. I dunno anything about medicine. let’s have a look. it’s that you can turn the plane around. Mr. CAROLYN: Ah-hah! MARTIN: Fine. MARTIN: What do you think? DR. [Groans heard] MARTIN: Oh. We should go to Boston. you can use a couple of drinks trolleys and a stretcher to rig up a rudimentary cantilever bridge . thank you! Carolyn. and far more importantly. and walk the hypothetical seven rows to join me with the patient here in the galley. now. probably…a bridge. DOUGLAS: Sorry. Oh. you’re not turning the plane around. fine.D. he doesn’t need a hospital. But only if… CAROLYN: Yes? MARTIN: Douglas talks to Shanwick. a tunnel’s obviously out of the question. To Boston. PRICE: Yeah. MARTIN: Thank you so much. CAROLYN: No. in Civil Engineering. MARTIN: Yes. -----CAROLYN: Turn the plane around. trying to save someone’s life is such a chore. Uh huh. okay. MARTIN: Douglas. DR. MARTIN: I can’t turn the plane around.that at least is my professional opinion as a Ph. MARTIN: A bridge? DR. All he needs is to be taken home.
Douglas? DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Simon says. Lehman. You probably didn’t. Goodbye! Tha – oh. You don’t even – and savor this because I shall never say it again – you don’t even have to listen to me. I did. ‘tell me when you’re ready. erm. Non-vegetarian option. but remember: You don’t have to listen to Carolyn. Goodbye. -----ARTHUR: Well. I mean. But. Goodbye! Thank you for flying MJN Air. Thank you for flying MJN Air! -----MARTIN: D’you think we’ll make it in time? DOUGLAS: Remember how I didn’t know three minutes ago? No new information has come in since then.. I didn’t know you for very long. er. You can start as soon as I’ve given you mine. so as soon as they’re ready – [Curtains pushed aside] CAROLYN: Oh. PARAMEDIC: Did you call up an ambulance and crew. I – well. Okay. Martin. you’ve got to stop asking for advice. You’re the boss. Thank you. Still. say a few words. What you say goes. you know. MARTIN: Great. Hold on. you’re right. I didn’t exactly – I’ve got this interview when we get back – if we get back in time. You’re the captain. along with the irresistible sexual magnetism and first crack at the cheese tray. that’s it.DOUGLAS: Hello. which I doubt. Lehman. take opinions. it hasn’t been a great trip. the angels. [Silence] DOUGLAS: Simon says. I feel someone should. DOUGLAS: That’s okay. Hamilton R. the main thing is. Goodbye! Thank you for flying MJN Air. I suppose you died doing what you loved: shouting and smoking and covered in foam. MARTIN: Right. [sighs] DOUGLAS: You all right? MARTIN: Yeah. Greetings once again from the merry men of Yo-Yo Airways. and I just wondered if. as a captain. speak of the devils. and I just wondered if – I mean. DOUGLAS: Come again? MARTIN: I’m ready – oh! -----ARTHUR: Goodbye! Thank you for flying MJN Air. goodbye then. CAROLYN: Great! Well… The paramedics are back there in the galley with Mr. So by all means. And one of the many excellent things about being captain. Shout and smoke.’ MARTIN: I’m ready. I only ask because. Tell me when you’re ready. in a way. look at him. of course. . PARAMEDIC: And why did you do that? CAROLYN: Why? Well. as… things – [sighs] I mean. because. Yes. Born 1943 in… America. thanks. And so. Rest in peace. Those were your twin passions. ‘could you give me some advice?’ DOUGLAS: [groans] Well done. Died 2008 in the sky… definitely. MARTIN: Yes. but I’ll always remember you as a shouty man. I don’t know if you liked that. you were a captain for a while. MARTIN: My turn! My turn! DOUGLAS: All right. Ma’am? CAROLYN: Yes. but – could you give me some advice? DOUGLAS: Well. You loved to shout. Well. this is a bit difficult. is that you’re always right. Mr. Shanwick. PARAMEDIC: Are you Carolyn Knapp-Shappey? CAROLYN: Yes. has it? And I think possibly I made a few – well. Mum! DOUGLAS: And we’re all finished at the pointy end with a cheeky little twelve minutes in hand before we go out of hours. You don’t have to listen to ATC. It’s just. L. probably.
CAROLYN: Well. if last night’s anything to go by. it seems to me you can either refuse to take him. ARTHUR: Mum! They’ve got the white ones! MARTIN: Ah hah. Once he’s off my plane. I just saw him move. PARAMEDIC: What movement did he make? MARTIN: He did a little wave. the commander of this vessel. Lucas. you can let your imagination run wild. It slows him down a tad. MARTIN: Well.PARAMEDIC: We are looking at him. And? MARTIN: And – and – I just saw him move. They’ll be all closed up now. and we’d like to know what you expect us to do with him? CAROLYN: I have to tell you. MARTIN: I don’t think so. CAROLYN: Tomorrow morning? PARAMEDIC: Yeah. And I am an airline captain. PARAMEDIC: Okay. We are an emergency service. he’s telling the whole story to every third person he meets. He’s been dead for some time. to the hospital. sir. can I just have a quick look in duty free? CAROLYN: No. and then he pointed at you. You just give them a call tomorrow morning. CAROLYN: When? PARAMEDIC: I dunno. until I eventually agree that maybe what I saw was just rigor mortis. Get him on the gurney! MARTIN: Thank you so much. don’t. He gave me a little wave. PARAMEDIC: Sir? MARTIN: Madam. in your big empty ambulance. PARAMEDIC: Yeah. I don’t think you appreciate that I am the captain of this aircraft. This guy: not so much an emergency. MARTIN: And whyever not? Twelve hours restful rest. there you all are! Good morning. When they can. what am I supposed to do? Carry him to the hospital over my shoulder? PARAMEDIC: Ma’am. PARAMEDIC: Ma’am! He’s dead. DOUGLAS: Good morning. -----CAROLYN: Where is he? DOUGLAS: Well. CAROLYN: Martin. and we can all hope and pray he doesn’t die on the way. PARAMEDIC: This man’s been dead for some time. Or. CAROLYN: What? What – w–w–we can’t! We can’t! MARTIN: Just one moment if you please. as far as I’m concerned. you can take him with you now. Martin! Still feeling pretty chipper. CAROLYN: Yes. I am telling you. you do not need any more Toblerones. I see. ARTHUR: While we’re waiting. and I can while away the hours I spent waiting with him filing a complaint against you for negligence. and then he tapped his watch as if to say. PARAMEDIC: I don’t think so. a beautiful blue sky to fly in. MARTIN: I absolutely did. to which you are going anyway. Arthur. and I am willing to swear anywhere that he absolutely did.” and then he relapsed into his unconscious state. you didn’t. good morning. patient seen exhibiting vital signs. you need to contact the coroner’s office. not her. They’ll send out a vehicle. See when they can do. Now can we please just get through customs and go home? . CAROLYN: So what are we supposed to do? Just leave him here until they’re ready for him? PARAMEDIC: Absolutely not! CAROLYN: Good! PARAMEDIC: You’re gonna need to remain in attendance. we’re all delighted by your newfound butchness. and a certain sense of a job rather well done. So. PARAMEDIC: No. good morning. I do think so. Martin. good morning. “Why aren’t I in the hospital already?. which will tie us all up in endless red tape. I really don’t mind.
should the mood take me. You need to put it in the hold. fine. that’s federal law. repulsive object. Carolyn. MARTIN: What? CUSTOMS OFFICER: You were heard in the presence of witnesses to make a threat against the safety of the aircraft. I just need to push on the big metal column in front of me – Agh! [Thud heard as CUSTOMS OFFICER tackles MARTIN] DOUGLAS: And there it is. DOUGLAS: He’s not telling you anything. Captain.CUSTOMS OFFICER: Is this your bag. Please come with me. If I want to crash the plane. sir. before you say anything you might – MARTIN: [interrupting] And besides that. We’ve still got to get back on time. sir. CUSTOMS OFFICER: Sir. Carolyn. MARTIN: You needn’t to worry about that. it’s a nose hair clipper. since you ask. Martin! You colossal idiot! MARTIN: But – but I’ve got to fly the plane in forty minutes! CUSTOMS OFFICER: Oh no. there is a time and a place for the strong-arm tactic – MARTIN: We have a fire axe. I’m the one flying the bloody thing. So you’re stopping me from equipping myself with the deadly power of the nose hairs’ trimmer on board a plane where I can. CUSTOMS OFFICER: I am not sure what you are telling me. brandish an axe. do I detect a note of tetchiness? Surely. no pesky passengers to peg out midway. don’t you? CUSTOMS OFFICER: What? DOUGLAS: Of course. yes. you haven’t already forgotten how I single-handedly saved you from losing out on a trip worth tens of thousands of pounds? CUSTOMS OFFICER: I’m just gonna take a look through it. Martin. CUSTOMS OFFICER: What’s this? MARTIN: What? CUSTOMS OFFICER: What’s this? [Electric buzz] MARTIN: Well. I don’t even need an axe. Istanbul awaits us. sir. you haven’t. shall we take a look at those Toblerones? -----[Closing credits] . I’m sorry. sir? MARTIN: Yes. MARTIN: Yeah. Come on. Okay? CUSTOMS OFFICER: It can’t go in your hand luggage. Clear skies. As indeed do the good people of easyJet – await me anyway. I am arresting you under Section Six of the Antiterrorism Act of 2002. I don’t think so. Come with me! Please! [Sounds of struggle as CUSTOMS OFFICER drags MARTIN away] CAROLYN: Come back! Come ba – bring him back! [Footsteps as CAROLYN gives chase] DOUGLAS: So. [Luggage unzipped] CAROLYN: Not yet. Arthur. MARTIN: [laughs] But they’re nasal clippers. no wind. [MARTIN grunts] sir! CAROLYN: You idiot. What am I supposed to do with nasal clippers? CUSTOMS OFFICER: I’m sorry. MARTIN: [laughs again] You do realize we have an axe on the flight deck. He doesn’t want his silly old clippers anyway.
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