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COME

TOGETHER
insights...
for women, on men.

By Leslie LaMarr
COME
TOGETHER
COME TOGETHER
insights… for women, on men.

Copyright © 2007 by Leslie LaMarr. All rights reserved.


This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form
without written permission from the author,
Leslie LaMarr.

Published by
MORE THAN WORDS PUBLISHING
Walnut Creek, California
www.morethanwordspublishing.com

The author can be reached through her website at:


www.LeslieLaMarr.com
Additional copies of this book may be purchased through the
publisher’s website at:
www.morethanwordspublishing.com

Lyrics from NEVER SAY NEVER reprinted with the permission of:
Debora Iyall ©1981 Talk Dirty Music, BMI
Quote from THE DEPARTED reprinted with the permission of:
Warner Bros. Pictures
Additional credits see page 177

Cover photo: Getty Images


Cover design by Tracy Tuttle Design
Edited by Beverly D. Ball

First American Paperback Edition printed, October 2007


Second (new and improved) American Paperback Edition printed,
March 2008

Library of Congress Control Number


2007933758

ISBN 978-1-934660-00-3 print version


ISBN 978-1-934660-01-0 digital version
ISBN13 978-1-934660-02-7 CDRom version
ISBN13 978-1-934660- 03-4 audio book

Printed in the United States of America


TRACK LISTINGS
Chapters

Preface DO YA page 7

1 OBSESSION page 9

2 I WANT YOU TO WANT ME page 11

3 WHAT IS LOVE page 19

4 TALK TALK page 21

5 GROOVE IS IN THE HEART page 23

6 I AM WOMAN page 29

7 MORE THAN A FEELING page 33

8 RAPTURE page 39

9 BACKDOOR MAN page 71

10 SAFETY DANCE page 77

11 DESPERATE, page 91
BUT NOT SERIOUS

12 LIVE AND LET DIE page 99


13 CHERRY BOMB page 107

14 COMMUNICATION page 109


BREAKDOWN

15 PAINT IT BLACK page 119

16 YOUR CHEATIN’ HEART page 123

17 CANDIDATE page 129

18 DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY page 135

19 ON A PLAIN page 139

20 SATISFACTION page 151

21 WHY CAN’T I BE YOU? page 163

22 SURRENDER page 169

Credit where it’s due… page 177

Glossary NO MORE WORDS page 179


Do Ya
Preface

They say, when you fall in love, you hear music. I say,
that for each time I've fallen in love there’s been
something on the radio that seemed to illustrate
whatever romantic event was going on in my life at the
time. It was music, but I don't think it was the music
they were talking about.

Who among us hasn’t heard the infamous 80s pop


song MY SHARONA? An ode to love from a boy about
a girl he can’t get out of his head. And at the end of
the song, heavy breathing and moans of sexual release
which could make a porn star jealous over his
affections.

If you’re a woman and you’ve heard that song,


somewhere deep inside you yearned to experience the
kind of relationship where you created that amount of
passion in a man. Enough to write a song about it.

I’m about to tell you how.


OBSESSION
1

Be careful what you wish for. Don’t turn the lessons of


this book into a cautionary tale that others will impart
wisely to hopeful women. In the world of love and
seduction, the results can be permanent. Men are
historically referred to as dogs, but take a moment to
look at a few of them. Dogs, not men. When a dog
“clicks” with a prospective owner, they become
inherently loyal. Even if the owner is mean, or doesn’t
treat him well, the dog won’t leave. He stays
regardless of his present experience and will even
choose to stay despite the enticement of a better
opportunity.

In this respect, most men don’t behave like dogs,


although they do respond to their animal instincts
when they get involved in a relationship.

The book, THE RULES, is a nice girl’s starter kit for how
to obtain the interest of a man. This book will teach
you how to keep him interested so that you can attain
the elusive
happily
ever after
part.

The following pages will give you some insight on the


physical and emotional aspects of your relationships so
that you can make the most of your love life. But make
no mistake, once your man is attached to you, his
intensity for you will border on obsession.
I’m sure there’s some psychological explanation for
why certain men become obsessed with particular
women and a further explanation for why they
relentlessly dog them. At the very least, if you have
good sex with a man he will forever think about you as
a possible lover – even up to 20 or 30 years later.
Don’t bother discussing the logic of this behavior with
a man. The average guy isn’t that deep or really that
interested in the explanation for what drives his desire;
he’s just interested in satisfying it. He’s like anyone
who has roamed the great wilderness searching for
sustenance, once he finds that which satisfies him, he’s
very reluctant to let it go.

You are meant to use this book to create a positive and


lasting impression on your man. Not to create the
need for a restraining order.

The first thing you need to know is what drives a man.


Everybody in. It’s go time.
I WANT YOU TO WANT ME!
2

Men think visually.

Meaning, that their eyes convey to their brains all they


want to know or feel they need to know about a
woman. It would be delightful to think that after all
these millions of years here on Earth men could be
solely stimulated by conscience, thought and emotion.
There may be some that are already and some that will
be as soon as you understand their desires. But most
men could care less about what you’re saying to them
and care more about the way your lips curve as you say
it, or how your head tilts in that seemingly come hither
way, or the rise of your breasts as you take a breath
between words.

Sad, but true, men want to be initially enticed by your


looks. You don’t have to be stunning, but you do have
to have something – perhaps just a look in your eye –
that says, “I’m the one for you and I know it.”

When I lived in Los Angeles I had a girlfriend who liked


this rising young rock star who was a friend of mine.
He was a talented, cerebral man who, when not playing
guitar, was also a magician. He was educated in his
field, a graduate from Berklee School of Music and he
came from a good family.

To be truthful, she could have cared less about his


pedigree; her hormones had kicked in and she just
wanted to be closer to him, but he wouldn’t give her
the time of day. She would cry to me after his shows
how much she liked him and how much she wanted
him to “like” her. Read: I want him to want to have sex
with me. He liked her well enough. She had two of his
prerequisites in a girl, she was young and she was
enthusiastic. Her problem was that she didn’t wear
makeup. Not a stitch, not even lip gloss and he was a
guy who liked girls who wore makeup. He gave special
attention to the girls who dolled themselves up with all
the powdery, glittery, glossy accoutrements available
at the cosmetic counter, but she was treated like his
tomboyish little sister.

She hated this and begged me to tell her what to do. I


told her to do the obvious. Wear makeup. I told her
he liked girls who wore makeup and she didn’t wear
any. I told her about his last girlfriend, an exotic girl
who designed her own clothes and wore her makeup
in inventive and enchanting ways. My girlfriend
balked. She wanted to get a man and even more
ideally one that she wanted, but she was a die hard
hippy type. No animal testing, no makeup, no selling
out for attention. She thought about her options and
refused. She wasn’t changing who she was to get a
man. As a result, as great as she was as a person, she
went without a boyfriend for a lot of years, until she
started working at a leading women’s magazine where
the editors of the magazine asked her to test new
products and she was introduced to the wonderful
world of makeup and grooming. Once she converted
to looking her best, she was forever a convert. She
started wearing a bit of makeup and doing her hair and
it wasn’t too long before she had a boyfriend who soon
became her husband and now they have three kids.
Success!
Men are visually driven. You don’t have to be perfect,
but you do have to polish up what you’ve got. Dust
the wares and then display them if you want to make
the sale, you know? This doesn’t mean you have to
dress like a hooker on Saturday night, unless that’s
your preference, but you do need to wear clothes that
are interesting and flattering to your figure. If you
don’t have a perfect figure, then take advantage of all
those tips that talk shows dish out about using ruching
at your waist to disguise a larger tummy or wearing a
bra that lifts and separates or don’t wear hip huggers if
you have large thighs and an untoned butt, unless you
want to attract a man who loves the badonkadonk.
Play down your perceived or real faults and play up
your assets on the visual front with men.

As successful as you may be in initially using visual


attraction to get your man, the visual attraction has to
continue throughout the duration of the relationship
or else your man will literally start looking elsewhere.
It’s a pain in the ass to realize that your job of
seduction is still not done even if you get a ring on
your finger. Men don’t stop being visual once they fall
in love, they just become more forgiving. So the
advent of a few more wrinkles or a slight sag or some
gray hairs won’t be a big turnoff to the man who loves
you. But, the way you present those changes will. So,
once again, don’t relinquish your offensive. Maintain
forward progress and keep yourself up with a program
which includes a healthy diet, exercise, moisturizer,
flawless grooming and always always smell like a
flower.
A woman who attracts her man in stiletto heels, a
miniskirt, with great perfume, long hair and lipstick is
a woman who will lose her man if she resorts to
wearing tennis shoes, sweats, Chapstick and either
chops off her hair or just wears it pulled into a knot
once they become a couple. So don’t use your looks to
trick your man into thinking that you’re someone
you’re not.

If we were to buy the perfect pair of 4” high patent


leather heels at the store, we wouldn’t expect after
wearing them several times for the heels to suddenly
decide they want to become clogs. Likewise, men
don’t “buy” the image of a stylish, sexy woman they
want to bring into their lives, just to find that after a
couple of months or even years, the woman they have
selected as a partner has become a fashion slacker
instead of the stylish icon they were initially attracted
to.

In order to avoid culture shock with your man, be who


you really are all the time whether you’re around him
or not. You don’t have to look like a supermodel, but
recognize that the point of grooming our outside is
that it reflects how we feel about ourselves inside. The
goal is to consistently look as great outside as you
really are inside; always being yourself inside and out
so that your man knows he’s in love with the real you.

And while your man’s gaze may occasionally stray to


look at other beautiful women, remember that we all
look at beautiful things (think: Johnny Depp) and that
you are beautiful too. Turn the tables on this
indiscretion by using it to your advantage in
determining what it is that your man likes to see and
then letting him see it and enjoy it, on you.

There is an exception to maintaining a polished facade


and only a rare woman can sincerely pull it off. That’s
the use of confidence to convey your sexuality. I’m not
talking about the confidence you feel when you finish a
project at work and everyone pats you on the back and
says, “You’ll be the next to get the promotion.” Or the
confidence you may feel at paying on your first
mortgage while you make yourself that gourmet dinner
in your newly remodeled kitchen. I’m talking about
sexual confidence, the kind that oozes imperceptibly
from every pore of your being when you walk into a
room even if you’re sweaty and covered in muck. That
kind of confidence cries out to all the men in the room,
“I’m dirty, but I could still have sex with you that
would blow your mind and then I would prepare us a
feast that would revitalize us enough for a second
round before I style myself into the Goddess that I am
when I’m not covered in muck.” That kind of
confidence.

Unfortunately not a lot of women exhibit that degree


of confidence and the reason for that is your Father.
He’s the first man you will ever love. The first man you
will ever try out your flirting, manipulative ways on.
The first man who will ever tell you he’s
“disappointed” in you, forever setting into motion the
freight train of self doubt I like to call the

Please Papa Syndrome.


The very first time your Daddy, the one who calls you
his “little baby girl” says to you that he’s
“disappointed” in you; the first time he gives you that
look, you know the one, a furrowed brow, the serious
eyes that have lost their sparkle of delight as they’re
gazing at you, the slightly frowning or really frowning
mouth which is all present because of something you
did or said, you immediately become afflicted with the
Please Papa Syndrome.

Because you’ll never want to see that look on his face


or hear those words with regards to you ever ever
again, internally you make the decision that from that
moment on, you’ll do whatever it takes to make him
happy. Whether you’re two or twelve or somewhere in
between or a little bit older; as soon as you realize that
the constant loving approval of your Father is by no
means constant and mimics something that doesn’t
seem like love or approval if he doesn’t approve of
what you’re doing; the direction of your life changes.
You immediately stop living in the self confident
manner to which you were born and start living by way
of seeking love and approval from men. First and
again from your Father and from there on out from
every boyfriend you find yourself involved with.

NOTE: The Please Papa Syndrome is a position women


find themselves in with men as the result of an
emotionally unbalanced situation. It’s like the parable
of dangling the carrot before the donkey, with your
man holding his approval over your head, just out of
reach while you keep making every effort imaginable
to attain it. No woman should ever end up in that
situation. We all make choices which will displease at
least one other person on this planet, but that in no
way means that we should change our choices in order
to make someone else happy.

This syndrome can be the most


debilitating factor in the natural self
confidence of a woman.

The good news is that it’s not a permanent state of


mind. You can correct it yourself. Because the
syndrome is a reactive behavior, you can get beyond it
by eliminating your need for approval from others and
by learning to live proactively as opposed to reactively
as you may have been taught early in your formative
years. It’s hard work and you may end up living in an
Ashram, not wearing makeup or being the only
vegetarian at Thanksgiving for awhile in deliberate
attempts to establish your own independence. But
eventually, your choices will balance out somewhere
between radical feminism and a selection of behaviors
that could be called approval seeking. However, you
will know that when you make the choice to do
something like wear makeup, shave your legs, color
your hair or work out; you are primarily doing these
things to please yourself and not as a reaction to
anyone else.

If you can find the balance between being yourself and


recognizing that to get attention from the backwards
world of men you have to do more than existentially
“be” yourself, you have to use your confidence to “sell”
yourself too, then you will become one of those rare
women who can walk into a room with 20+ extra
pounds on her, in no makeup and sweats and every
man in the room will silently acknowledge that for
some inexplicable reason, “She’s hot.”

Don’t worry; working it to get attention from your


man is not selling out to the Please Papa Syndrome.
Knowledge is power. What you learn here or
elsewhere that makes your life better is yours and it’s
your choice as to whether or not someone else will
benefit from your wisdom. Make choices that make
you happy first and if someone else gets happy from
those choices as well, even better!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know, women like the visuals too and we wish our


men would primp a little for us. Some men are as
visually critical of themselves as they are of us. Being
with a man who is critical of himself balances out the
responsibility you have to take for your own looks. But
if he’s not, the way to get the grooming you desire
from your man is to do it for him. I mean it. Do you
want him to clean his nails? Then get in there at the
sink and show him how. Are his feet too rough? Then
moisturize them for him. Does his mustache hair, nose
hair, ear hair or body hair need a trim? Then trim it for
him. Show him by example what you’d like and he’ll
start doing it for himself. Men are simple. They are
not ignorant. They need to be taught what is expected
of them and then they will learn… and will do
whatever you like.

The thing is, after all of your efforts, you want your
man to want you. But he wants to be wanted by you
more than he wants to want you. Isn’t that too much?
WHAT IS L oVE?
Baby don't hurt me...
3

I was told that the initial version of this book wasn't


complete enough about the courtship phase of a
relationship. That falling in love is the best part of
hooking up with a great guy and that there needed to
be greater clarification about what love is to a man. I
was told that it's only fair, since I wrote about
everything else in here but the kitchen sink. My bad,
so here it is.

Ok, what is love to a guy? Is it conformity, usefulness,


the fulfillment of their emotional and sexual needs?
Yes. To some men being in love means that they get
what they want, when they want it and as often as they
want it - whatever “it” is. And in return they will
profess to love you. To others it's the love and loyalty
they receive from you. They may not be reliable,
loving or faithful to you, but you are with them so
you're it; the one for them. To all men it's the
experience of adoration. If you get all wide eyed and
girlish when they enter a room; if you treat every act
they undertake as if no one else on Earth has ever
done it better; if you can't do enough for them or get
enough of them; in other words, if you adore them,
then they will reciprocate your adoration by falling in
love with you. Eventually. And as we’ve all heard,
when men fall, they fall hard. It sounds great....
But does it last? Or, a better question is, how can you
make it last? Men can be fickle. A man may remain
married for 20 years, but if a woman comes along who
looks at him the way you USED to look at him and in a
way that you DON'T look at him any longer, then the
possibility stands that he might fall in love with her.
Not so much with her, but with the way that she sees
him. So to keep his love for yourself, find something
to adore in your guy every day and then let him see the
adoring reflection of himself in the sparkle of your
eyes.

Here we are back at the visual needs of men. Not just


what they see with their peepers, but with the way
they’re seen by yours. I think it is more than aptly
expressed by the title of the last chapter, I WANT YOU
TO WANT ME. That's what they want. They want you
to want them. If you want them, then it makes them
feel good. If you make them feel good, then they fall
in love with you and you get what you want. It's really
that simple.
TALK TALK
4

WE NEED TO TALK. These four words strike fear into


the heart of a man and strike down his libido. Ever
since the days where his own Mother would sit him
down for a conversation about his behavior, those
words have boded a problem. Men don’t like
problems. So men don’t like to “talk” because if you
need to talk, it means there’s a problem.

Studies have shown that in an average day, men use


fewer words than women. It’s true and there’s a
reason for this. Words are not as important to men as
they are to women. The reason most women can be
lied to and will continue to be lied to by men, is
because as long as a man is saying the things to a
woman that she wants to hear, truthful or not, a man
can get away with saying anything.

Men are not as gullible when it comes to words. You


would think this would save them, but really it gets
them into hot water more often than not with their
wives and girlfriends who “want to talk.” So while
woman have spent decades “finding their voices,” men
have spent the same decades perfecting the art of
dismissing words and feigning deafness. Words really
mean nothing to them, unless you’re saying the words,
“It’s so big!” or “That feels good.” or “I’m so happy.” or
the words, “What bald spot?” FYI – those words mean
EVERYTHING in the life of a man.
Men respond to action. They understand action and
once they see what the action is, it becomes simple for
them, they can then choose to participate in the action
or not. However, if you insist upon “talking” with your
man, keep it short and sweet. Cut to the chase and
make your point in the first two sentences because
most men will go into their “other” place if you keep
talking without getting to the point.

In my opinion, the best way to get through to your


man is to keep the choice you want him to make
simple and then exemplify it to him. Don’t waste two
hours discussing your sex life and how you want to
change things a bit. Just change things a bit. Trust
me, he will respond to the change in one of two ways.
He will go along with it or he will talk to you about it.
So either way, you get your way. You either get his
cooperation in making the change or you get the
conversation you desire to have about the change.

The biggest mistake a woman can make is to “have a


discussion” with her man. So, if you have something
to say to your man, say it in as few words as possible
or better yet, just do it if there’s an action involved.

To keep things straight, bear in mind that people


aren’t what they say they are; they are what they do.

But, if you're going to talk, remember to LISTEN.


Listening is more important than talking. So when you
talk, listen too. Don't just shamelessly promote your
own agenda. After all, you're in this together.

Ironically, after all that, here’s where talking benefits


you in a relationship.
GROOVE
IS IN THE HEART
5

At the beginning of a relationship, talking is your


friend. It’s the best tool you have to get what you
want. The irony is that after you get sexually involved
in a relationship, talk becomes cheap.

Decide now, do you want your man to desire you


emotionally as well as physically? Because obtaining
the physical desire of a man is easy. All you have to do
is look good, hold your tongue and reach between his
legs to get his attention. If you want emotional desire
from him as well, it takes a bit more effort and a lot
more restraint.

When and if a man wants a woman what he’s really


expressing is that he wants sex with that woman.
When a woman wants a man, what she’s really
expressing is that she wants a relationship with that
man. There is a way that all parties involved can get
what they want… eventually. Here’s how.

HOLD OUT ON SEX.


I don’t mean make the hold out an obvious
punishment, talk to him as much as he wants. Hang
out with him. In person. Because in order for him to
respect you before, during and after you do have sex,
he needs to feel like he has made an investment of
physical effort into the relationship so that his feelings
will have value. This is why no matter how much time
you may put into a long distance relationship, you
might still feel distant and unsure when you physically
come together. In order to grow closer, there needs to
be physical closeness without sexual intimacy. So hang
out together and talk instead of having sex, no matter
how badly you may want it, or he may pursue it.

Know this: The emotional groundwork that is laid prior


to sexual intimacy will hold up after sexual intimacy. If
the emotional groundwork isn’t laid BEFORE the two
of you have sex together, it will never exist at all.

You can deceive yourself into thinking that once you


get the sex out of the way, openness, inclusion and
honesty will somehow evolve between the two of you.
They won’t. The truth is that the only way to attain
the emotional qualities you desire in a relationship is
to attain them using your mental agility before you
have sex with him. You need to use your emotional
desires as bartering chips against his persistent barter
for sex with you. Once you receive the chip for
honesty and the chip for inclusion and the chip for
sharing and the chip for openness, then you can give
him the only chip he really thinks he wants – the one
for sex. Certainly, in the long run of the relationship
he will benefit from the inclusion of the other factors
that were important to you, but in the heat of passion,
during the adventure of pursuit, he could care less
about anything regarding his future but having sex
with you.

Here’s the scene. You meet a guy. You’re attracted to


him and you can tell by the way he’s watching you,
sitting close, asking for your number, that he’s
attracted to you too. But already, as the woman that
you are, you want more. Your brain is jumping ahead,
past the first date, past the months of hanging out,
straight to meeting his parents and whether or not
they will like you, because women want relationships.
If you were to vocalize all of this to this new man, he
would run. So you have to work him like a big fish in
the deep blue sea. Play him out for awhile, then reel
him in.

Talk to him. Listen to him. Talk about anything with


him. Now is the time you can be as open and
opinionated as you would like. He will listen. If he’s
attracted to you, he will respond. He will make witty
banter and have insightful comments. His responses
will probably make you laugh and think about how
great he is; you will be deceived into thinking he is
permanently cerebral.

Know this: what he’s really thinking is that if I talk to


her long enough, she will sleep with me. What’s really
happening is that by talking to him you are becoming
ingrained into his emotional thoughts, whether he
wants that to happen or not.

He will listen for hours, months, you will probably be


able to talk for just as long since you are a woman and
use thousands more words a day in conversation than
men. You will think that you both think the same way
and for now, you do. The tricky truth is that you are
using his own desire against his emotional self. While
he sees the conversation as a means to a sexual end,
what’s really taking place is that his brain is becoming
accustomed to you. The more accustomed his brain
becomes to you, the greater the chance that he will fall
in love with you and stay with you. To understand
this, you have to understand the differences in
emotional composition between men and women.

The simple explanation is this. If a woman has sex


with a man, the chemicals inside of her immediately
acclimate to that man and her brain feels the emotions
of attachment. The more sex she has with the same
man, the stronger her attachment. Men grow attached
via emotional investment. Sex for a man is not the
same key to an emotional investment, as it is to a
woman. Sex to a man is a physical act separated from
his emotional investment. So a man can have as much
sex as he wants with the same woman and will still
never fall in love with her. However, if you make a
man invest emotionally by talking with you about his
feelings for a long time BEFORE you have sex with him,
his brain becomes attached to you. Then, when you do
have sex with him, it completes the level of attachment
his brain has begun to have, rather than merely being a
physical act he can ignore.

Basically, it’s called mating and mating exists on two


levels for everyone. Emotional and physical. For
women, the levels are interchangeable and women are
able to navigate easily between the two levels
throughout the term of the relationship. For men, the
window of opportunity to experience the emotional
level comes right at the beginning of the relationship
and once the physical level is breached, the emotional
level window closes – permanently. This is why it’s
important to lock your man in mentally before you get
physical, because if your man is not already
emotionally attached to you by the time you have sex
with him, he will not feel the need to become more
emotionally attached to you as he has already achieved
his primeval goal to mate with you.

So if you want a man to grow attached to you


emotionally, then talk talk talk with him before you
have sex with him. It will be hard. When men want
sex, they pull out all the stops. They become charming
and seductive, working against the restraints you are
trying to put in place so that an emotional attachment
can take place in your favor. This push and pull
scenario is why so many one night stands may
temporarily evolve into a relationship, but then rapidly
devolve at some point into a breakup. Once your man
realizes that his brain is no longer needed to make the
deal from an emotional involvement into a physically
intimate relationship with you, he’s emotionally out.
So whatever you’ve established before his brain checks
out is the outcome you are left with.

Remember this as well while you’re talking; that out of


all of the topics you can talk over with your man,
talking about sex will make him think that you are
already planning on having sex with him. When a
woman discusses sex with a man, the man thinks it's
because the woman wants to let him know that she
wants sex with him. Remember also that no
conversation about your past sex life with another man
is ever a good conversation and despite how your guy
responds, it will offend him to hear that you ever had
great sex with someone else. Ever. No really, ever.
Sometimes guys ask about your past sex life. If your
guy asks you about your past sex life, DON'T fall into
the trap of responding honestly. Make up a lie or say,
"You are the best guy I know." Talking about your past
sex life WILL kill your future sex life. It may not
happen right away, but it will happen. So bite your
tongue if you’re asked. I know you'll be glad you did.

SO, TO REVIEW... Little or no talking before you have


sex = little or no emotional connection to the man.
Lots and lots of talking before you have sex = a
stronger, more lasting relationship and connection.

And while you're talking with your guy, talk about


yourself as well. Be fair by letting him know that
hanging out as friends means that he’s getting to know
one side of you, but if you start dating, he will
experience another side of you and that when you get
intimate, the dynamics between the two of you will
change again. Don’t passively hope that he will know
how to respond to your needs, tell him what it is that
you expect from him so that he has a fighting chance
to make it happen. For example, if you like to receive
flowers after you have sex for the first time, a gesture
that makes you feel appreciated and respected, then
let him know this long before you end up in bed
together. Give him the chance to do the right thing for
you so that you will give yourself the chance to be
happy. We presume that men know what we need, but
frequently, they don’t know and a lot of great guys get
dismissed because of their relationship ignorance.
Don't sabotage your happiness together. A good guy
will welcome some clues about what you need to be
happy. Clue him in so that neither one of you will be
left feeling defeated and disappointed. Love requires
care to ensure a great outcome. You can't be careless
with the one you love and you can't leave positive
experiences up to chance. Make any effort you can in
support of your relationship so that you can both enjoy
a happy ending.
I AM WOMAN
6

One word says it all……S u p e r W o m a n.


Why yes, that’s exactly what men expect. They expect
you to hold down your own job, have your own money,
pay your own way and then dress and behave in a way
that stimulates their desire to have sex with you. And,
if you’re a wife, YES, they also expect you to take care
of the house, fix nutritious meals, have babies, take
care of the babies, pay the bills AND be as seductive as
you possibly can with your looks and demeanor.

Ironically, the very stance you will take after reading


that above paragraph, an emotional stand of indignant
defense on behalf of women’s liberation and rights, is
the very attitude which put us all into this unfortunate
spot to begin with.

They say that feminists make the best lovers, but if we


had stayed the delicate little flowers we were groomed
to be in the 50s, we would not have to pay our own
way, develop careers, take care of the house and kids
AND be sexually beguiling to our men today. If
contemporary women had just stayed retrofitted to
men, then our men would be responsible for a majority
of our needs and we could take all the time in the
world to style ourselves and be seductive. Because as
most women know, whether your look is natural or
vamp it takes A LOT of time and effort to look
amazing.
Even today’s feminists know that it takes just as much
time to look hot as to change the world and that it’s
equally important to do both, simultaneously. Look at
Oprah, philosophical icon that she is, she still has her
hair and makeup done daily. Not to mention the stylist
who dresses her to accentuate the success of her diet
and exercise regime. Sure, she’s beyond smart, but do
you like the way she looks? So do a lot of people.
Millions of people pay attention to what she says daily
and she makes billions convincing people to listen to
her; utilizing her good looks in her process.

Unfortunately, along with being capable, the window


dressing isn’t enough. Remember the opening of this
chapter? You have to be a Superwoman. So let’s
continue with the super needs you’ll need to meet in
order to make your man happy.

This is where the show moves to the bedroom. You


can put it all on to get his attention, but you have to
keep his attention from the foyer into the bedroom in
order to prove that you have what it takes to make the
play.

Men expect you to be like a great poker game. The


visual stimulation is your hand and how you play it is
the seduction aspect, but don’t ever bluff. Because just
like a man hates to lose to a bluff hand in a real poker
game, so does he hate to be bluffed all the way into
the bedroom only to find that you are holding a pair of
twos.

To be a real Superwoman, you have to keep the game


going, no matter how tired you are, no matter how
rough your day was at work or with the kids, all the
way into passionate sex in the bedroom. And the
game’s not over until your man has had an orgasm and
is happily sleeping.

Know now: unless you undertake the actions necessary


to achieve your own orgasm, the focus will be on his
orgasm and you will be left over stimulated and under
satisfied. So, incorporate the action not words theory
from Chapter 4 and the sexual/self lessons in Chapters
19 and 20 in order to generate the outcome of
satisfaction you deserve in the bedroom as well.

Sounds like a challenge that could suck, right? It may,


but choose. Are you a woman who wants a man or a
woman who wants a cat? Cats seem to be much
easier. They could care less how you look or what you
wear or if you please them sexually. Just give them
some food and a place to sleep and they’re happy. But
don’t forget to clean the cat litter or you’ll find
unpleasant little surprises just outside of the box to
remind you to do things differently the next time.

Actually men may be more like cats than we would like


to think. But that’s a different book.
MORE THAN A FEELING
7

Because most women need more than a suggestion to


get in the mood, we presume that we should be
touched more often and in more places than our men.
It’s too easy to think, “Really, he’s got one bull’s eye
which calls the shots to begin with, so that’s the only
area that requires any attention on him.” Right and
wrong. His bull’s eye is important, but men also love
to be touched. All over. So touch him. Scratch his
back lightly or better yet scratch his chest or the inside
of his forearms. Trust me when I say the forearm
scratching is a big hit. Men like a soft scratching touch
on most areas of their body including their heads.
Lightly scratch their scalp and stroke their hair at the
same time. They love that. Their heads and forearms
seem to have this hidden wealth of nerve endings that
pleasure them when they’re lightly scratched.

Massage is another great way to touch a man. It’s an


excellent transition between his stressful day and a
night of passion. Most guys like for you to use a little
massage oil to keep your hands from getting stuck as
you rub their skin. Don’t use too much oil and do use
oil that you both like. There are a lot of scented
massage oils on the market, or flavored oils and oils
that have a warming effect. Experiment to find the
ones that both of you will like. Or if you need an
affordable alternative, there are a few lavender or
vanilla scented baby oils sold in grocery stores that you
can use.
To give a great massage, lay your man down on his
stomach and start the massage on his back, keeping in
mind that any massage you give should be as seductive
and relaxing as possible. In order to reach all of the
areas on his back and neck you should straddle him
from behind; preferably in a slip, mini dress or naked;
with sexy panties on or no panties at all. Bear in mind
that touch is everything in intimacy and the first thing
on us that touches another is our skin. Keep your skin
soft so that touching you and being touched by you
will always be preferable to touching anything else.

Start your massage in the center of his back, between


his shoulder blades. Using the palms or heels of your
hands, not your fingers, press down equally on either
side of his spine and then rub up and outward, towards
his armpits. Do this gently, but firmly and repeatedly
all the way up to his neck and then back down again to
his waist/hips. If you’re doing it right, your hands
should look like the wings of a bird as you press and
rub outwardly. Continue the same circular rubbing,
focusing on the high center of his back to relieve the
tension in his muscles that lead to his shoulders. Once
you’ve finished massaging the high center of his back,
cup your hands around his shoulders; using your
fingers grouped together now, press and rub down and
outwardly on the tops of his shoulders all the way up
to his neck. You should be making small circular
motions as you rub. When you reach his neck, gently
press on either side of it with your fingertips, creating
a wave motion with your fingers as you press. Press
first with your pointer finger, then press your middle
finger, then your ring finger, then your pinky. Make
the transition from finger to finger seamless and fluid
in its pressure on his neck. Then group all of your
fingers together to rub his neck in small circular
motions.

Now you want to move your hands underneath his


shoulders at the front. This is how you will apply
circular massaging pressure to his pectoral areas.
That’s the boobs area for you girls who dropped out of
Phys Ed. Massage the muscles that lead from his
shoulders to his armpits and then down around his
nipple area. Remember that it’s best if everywhere you
massage you apply gentle yet firm and equal pressure
on both sides at the same time. As you move up his
back in order to get to his pects, let him feel the heat
from your crotch on his back. Bend down into him
slightly so he can feel your breath on him as you rub
him and so he can feel your hair loose, tickling his
neck. After his pects, massage his upper arms. As with
his shoulders, it would be great if you could massage
both arms at the same time, but it is easier and more
effective if you use both hands on each arm
individually, working all the way down his arm to his
wrists and hands, massaging his palms and gently
rubbing out each of his fingers to the tip.

For the final rub on his back, start again at the top
center of his back and do the circular rubbing down
either side of his spine all the way to his hips.

DO NOT
RUB DIRECTLY ON HIS SPINE
That does not feel good. Go back up to the top at his
neck and using the palms/heels of your hands push
down on either side of his spine. While still applying
pressure from your hands, run the heels of your hands
all the way down his back on either side of his spine to
the small of his back. This should be one continuous
motion – no circular rubbing. The point of this action
is that the back accumulates fluid on either side of the
spine throughout the day in response to tensions.
Pushing the fluid from the base of the neck down to
the small of the back relieves the pressure of the fluid
and ultimately the tension in his back. Once you reach
the small of his back push harder and more firmly
down on the base of his back and rub outward over his
hip bones. Do this one or two more times just to
finalize the back massage.

Once you’ve massaged his back turn him over. Ask him
to close his eyes and start your massage at his feet.
You don’t need to oil his feet in order to massage them
and because you will need one hand to hold the foot
up and one to massage it, you can only massage one
foot at a time. Using your thumbs, press firmly, but
still gently, on his foot; starting just under the ball,
right above the middle of his foot. The motion is still
the same, firm and circular, moving from the middle of
his foot up to the base of his toes. Massage the arch of
his foot and then the top of his foot down to his toes.
Once you’ve massaged his foot, then gently rub and
pull slightly on his toes. Rub one toe at a time. Take
your time on his feet. Relaxing his feet in an effective
manner will completely relax him. After you’ve done
his feet, start up his legs, paying special attention to
his Achilles tendons and Calves, massage from his
lower leg up onto his thighs. You can lift his leg
slightly to reach the backs of his thighs or some people
like to do the feet and the backs of the thighs before
turning him over onto his back to massage his front.
You can make your own choices about what areas you
want to do, in what order and how much of a massage
you want to give him. As you reach the tops of his
thighs, he may start to become sexually excited. Go
with this. It’s a natural response for quite a few men.
If he does become aroused, it becomes your choice
whether or not to let sexuality take over for the
massage scenario and become the new course for the
evening, i.e. the “happy finish.”

Touch can mean a lot of different things. For example,


you can stroke him with your hair from his chest to his
stomach. That’s one way to touch him. Or if you’re
sitting next to him, holding his hand, you can bring his
hand up to your mouth and let your tongue trace his
lifeline from his palm all the way up to one of his
fingers which you should then treat as if it is a mini
version of his cock. Tease each of his fingers with your
tongue until you slip one of them into your mouth and
suck on it very seductively for awhile. That’s touch.
Using your tongue to touch his skin just about
anywhere is seductive. Or touch can be giving him a
full pedicure culminating in painting his toenails while
you invite him to more intimate activities with your
eyes. Wearing lingerie while giving him a pedicure is a
nice touch. Once you’ve finished giving him the
pedicure, surprise him by bringing your mouth down
to his toes and then sliding his big toe into your
mouth. Treat each of his toes as if they are tiny
versions of his cock and use your mouth to play with
them. This kind of touch makes things hot enough for
more play action to happen between the two of you.
While there are a number of predetermined erotic
zones on the body, the fact is that anywhere skin exists
there is the possibility of an erotic zone waiting to be
discovered. The eroticism is determined by how you
approach the spot and what you do to it. I knew a guy
one time who liked to use his thigh as an erogenous
zone in connecting with my distinctly feminine
erogenous zone. That was hot.

The point of this is that the only limits to erogenous


zones are the limits of your mind and imagination.
While the obvious highlights of two sexual bodies are
breasts, vagina and penis, the truth is that wherever
there is skin, there is feeling and there is also the
possibility of an erogenous zone. If you think you can
connect with your man by using your nose to stimulate
him and you try it and it works, then you have a new
erogenous zone in your world. Or, think about kissing
and gently licking someone’s eyelids. It’s off the
beaten path, but I know a girl who loves to give and to
receive that. Most people’s ears or the backs of their
necks are sensitive to erotic stimulation, but so are
some people’s nipples (men and women), thighs,
knees, elbows, stomachs and feet. It’s all up to you to
determine what area you want to approach to touch
and how you want to touch it. All I know is that the
possibilities are infinite. So try something. And if it
doesn’t work out, then try something else. I guarantee
that for as many places on your man’s body that he
may already want to have touched there are at least an
equal number of new places you can touch that will put
him through the roof in a good way. It’s a win win
situation, so reach out and touch him.
RAPTURE
8

When I told this guy I know that I was writing an R


Rated chapter in a self help book for women on what
they can do to please men sexually, he quipped, "Tell
them to show up." It's an old joke, but mostly true.

So you want to be unforgettable? Well, in order to be


unforgettable you will need to do that one thing for
your guy that he has always wanted to do sexually, but
has never done. Or maybe he did do it, one time, way
back when he was 19 and he has always wanted to do
it again, but no girl he's been with since has been
willing to do it with him. The sexual act doesn't need
to be perverted. It can be something as simple as
having phone sex or as risky as having sex in a park
together while you're on a picnic. But there's always
something. There's always one thing that every man
has been curious about experiencing. Some sexual act
that has been in his dreams that he hasn't been able to
turn into a reality. Something that only a special
woman would do with him. And if you do this one
thing with him and you do it well, he will remember
you as special for an eternity.

Okay, here are some suggestions on what you can do


to be unforgettable once you’ve shown up.

First of all you have to recognize that the most active


portion of a man’s brain once you’ve started having sex
together is the area that is stimulated by sex, for sex
and towards sex. So your approach has to be sexual in
order to create a positive result and a lasting memory.

I hope that by now you have had enough conversation


with your man so that you know some, if not most of
what his sexual history has been. What types of sexual
positions he’s tried, what he likes, what he doesn’t like
and what his proclivities are. Is he into porn, is he
more comfortable in the bedroom or does he like sex
in a variety of places? Is he open minded about
experimentation; is he a condom guy; does he prefer
giving or receiving oral; how does he feel about body
hair; has he ever tried toys; is he a voyeur? The list of
inquiries is as infinite as the possible sexual
suggestions, but I’ll try to steer you in a couple of
promising directions.

The goal you want to achieve is the creation of a


private sexual world between the two of you. A
physical and emotional location where you can both
try anything you want to try, together. If your man has
tried any of these methods prior to being involved with
you, then you may need to research other potential
activities and without question, USE YOUR
IMAGINATION. Absolutely nothing sexual is off limits
as long as it is undertaken with a strong measure of
self respect, respect for your partner and consideration
for your bodies. That means don’t attempt to use
restraints with a man who abhors any sort of
dominance. Or if your man is very private and is
definitively not an exhibitionist, then do not seduce
him in public areas or you may risk permanently
alienating him.
Here’s the main point you will want to remember:

You want to be the first,


but if you can’t be the first,
you want to be the best.

You probably won’t be the first person he’s ever had


sex with. Especially since as men and women grow
older, the number of partners they have been with
increases proportionately to the number of
relationships they have been in. So being the first
there won’t happen unless you’re sixteen and reading
this book, in which case you should not be reading this
book, as it’s R Rated. But you can easily be the best
with a little practice and some necessary
communication with your man about what he likes and
how he likes it. There are also a number of other
activities you can be the first at, which will delight and
pleasure him.

Your approach to being the first or the best is as


important as the selection of activity you choose.

A word of caution: despite the fact that the sexual


revolution occurred some 30 odd years ago, the
attitudes of men towards women with regard to sexual
equality have progressed very little unless a woman is
paying her own way. While most men realize they
aren’t your first, no man who loves you wants to think
about the sex you’ve had with other men. So temper
your abilities with tactful disclosure or else your man
will think more about who you were with and what
you did with that guy, than what you’re doing to him
right now.
First of all know this: Great sex is more than a polished
technique, it’s a vibe thing. So you will want to get
into his head, to get on his vibe. Think about where he
is in his day, in his week, in his life, in his choice of
other activities. Is he quiet or shy or is he an
adrenaline junky? Is he happy in his life right now or
suffering from some loss? What are his personal
choices like with regards to his house or wardrobe?
Are they progressive, modern and cutting edge or are
they old school vintage? What is his background? Is it
spiritual or free thinking? What were his choices in
other women? Think about what he has ever
mentioned that he liked or disliked about other
women. What were the reasons he broke up with his
last girlfriends?

If all of this sounds like a lot to pay attention to, it is.


But thinking about all of this is the only way you can
specifically gear your sexual approach to the man
you’re trying to please.

For example, I’ll go down the list and suggest a couple


of sexual options for various aspects of a man’s
personality.

A quiet, shy guy will probably respond best to an


incredibly intimate candlelight setting. The seduction
would need to be tender; be ready to kiss him for
awhile in the living room, but move to the bedroom for
anything more. I wouldn’t suggest pulling out all the
stops by using all your skills at once, but a seductive
and dedicated blow job would be something that
would probably blow his mind.
By dedicated I mean, plan on doing it nice and slow at
first, then use your hand to stroke him while you suck
him. Bring the speed up gradually and don’t stop
sucking on him until he cums. No matter how long
that takes.

It may take awhile before he understands what your


plan is. Don’t tell him you’re going to do it until he
cums. Just keep doing it even if he tries to pull you up
to kiss you or if he tells you he wants to do something
for you now. Shy men can be quite courteous in the
bedroom, feeling the compulsion to reciprocate,
especially during oral sex. Even if he begs, just smile
and move quietly and decisively back down between
his legs and keep giving him head until he cums.

Remember they call it sucking because there should be


sucking. Men like a vacuum sensation on their cock
and say they prefer women to suck harder rather than
to delicately lick and lightly suck. After you’ve sucked
for awhile, try swirling your tongue around the head of
his cock to spice things up a bit. Suck harder as you
get more into it, but not hard enough to leave a
hickey. Bear in mind though, that no matter what your
technique is, no guy is going to reject a girl who wants
to give him head.

Not every woman likes a man to cum in her mouth,


even if she loves him, but if you want to be
unforgettable to your man, let him cum in your mouth
and then swallow it slowly, like you really enjoyed that
moment with him. DON’T SPIT IT OUT in front of him
and DON’T run to the bathroom right after he cums to
spit it out or to wash out your mouth. If you honestly
can’t let him cum in your mouth, then right before he
cums, lubricate him with your mouth and then use
your hand to jerk him off while you move his cock
down to the nape of your neck. Or better yet, slide his
cock down between your breasts, stroking him up
against and between your breasts and then let him
cum there. He will probably be watching at this point,
so for him to watch himself cum between your breasts
or on the nape of your throat is also a turn on if he
can’t cum in your mouth. For you, while you’re
sucking him, finger yourself or massage your clit. It
excites a man to think that having his cock in your
mouth turns you on so much that you can’t restrain
from self pleasuring. The added bonus is that when
you stimulate yourself while he’s in your mouth, the
low hum you make because you’re aroused adds to his
arousal and both of you can have orgasms.

If you do this somewhat frequently and it starts to feel


old, then mix it up by introducing food items to the
act. Honey, ice or a mouthful of champagne while
you’re giving him a blow job makes things more
interesting. Or suck on an Altoids before you begin;
the icy breath freshener creates a little chill action
which is an exciting contrast to your warm, moist
mouth.

For those of you who are even more adventurous, try


this: right before your guy is ready to cum (you will
know from experience or he should tell you), moisten
your index finger with your saliva or with lubricant and
after you lightly stimulate his anus; slide your finger up
into his asshole until you can feel the rigid muscle of
his prostate. When you reach his prostate, apply
gentle yet continuous pressure on it while you’re still
sucking on his cock. This move will send him over the
top! But watch the direction of your fingernails inside
of him, because unless your man has expressed that he
likes pain, it could get risky. In fact, if you do finger
your man in his ass, remember to keep your nails
short, keep the edges filed and be gentle. Slow and
easy feels better and is better than too fast or pushy.
Think erotic seduction as you do this and you will
experience delightful results.

The adrenaline junky is already a daring personality, so


you’re going to want to mix it up a little for him. Find
out if he’s had public sex. If not, then seduce him in a
parking lot somewhere. Preferably not somewhere
where it’s illegal, but someplace like the parking lot at
the foot of his favorite hiking trail. A place he already
associates with good vibes.

Or seduce him while you’re on a road trip. While he’s


driving, slide your hand between his legs and stroke
him until he gets hard and then suggest that the two of
you pull over somewhere at an exit so he can have sex
with you. After he pulls over, don’t waste time
discussing how to fold the seats down. Instead, lean
into his lap and give him head while you suggest that
he come around to your side of the car. Then get out
of your seat, pull up your dress or pull down your jeans
to your knees and bend over inside the car so that your
upper body is face down on your seat. This way he can
enter you from behind while he’s standing just inside
your open car door. Don’t pull down your underwear.
Let him decide whether to pull them to the side or to
pull them down. Keep having sex with him until he
cums; no matter how many cars drive by. For yourself,
I suggest moving your hand between your legs and
stroking your clit and his cock at the same time. Wrap
your fingers around the base of his cock and let your
thumb rub your clit as he slides in and out of you, then
both of you will cum. Preferably together.

Is he happy or in a state of loss? Let’s cover happy


first. If he’s happy, make the sex fun and spontaneous.
Very spontaneous. Like while you’re watching TV or
cooking dinner or better yet, take him to the movies;
you pay and then play with him in the theater
(discreetly of course) or let him play with you. Then
when you leave the theater make out with him in the
car and have sex in the back seat. This will remind him
of when he was young and free and could do as he
pleased with the girl next door. His happy mood will
only get better after a date night with you.

For a guy in a state of loss, he needs nurturing to


accompany his sex. So I wouldn’t advise trying
anything new or too wild with him. Bundle him up in a
blanket and curl up next to him. Wait for him to get
comfortable and then kiss him. Only kiss him. If he
responds, keep kissing him and do nothing more.
Don’t stroke him. Don’t place his hands on your body
anywhere. Just keep giving him your mouth; your kiss,
long deep, soul connecting kisses, with no pressure to
do anything else. This may go on for an hour or more
and that’s perfect. It’s what he needs. If something
more is supposed to happen, let him make the move to
do it. If he tries to make a move and it feels to you like
he’s doing it because it’s expected, then slowly and
gently kiss his hand and continue to hold his hand in
your hand, but return to kissing his mouth. Kissing
may be all he can handle, but usually at some point his
cock will dictate another activity. Wait until he seems
so hungry for sex with you that he’s almost tearing into
your clothes to get to your body. Then let him pound
out all of those feelings he’s having into you.

Sex is a cure for emotional distance. It’s a fake it ‘til


you make it while you make it situation. In a slow
seduction, you will give your man back the control he’s
felt like he’s lost because of his loss and he will
associate that redemption with comfort and
stimulation from you.

Is he progressive, cutting edge or old school/vintage?


If he’s progressive, then he probably likes the idea of
toys. He may never have bought them or used them
with anyone, but he’s not opposed to them. You
should take a man like this shopping at your local adult
store. Look at everything in order to open up your
perspective on what’s available. Then discuss what you
may be interested in trying out together. It may be as
basic as flavored condoms or a warming lubricant or
something more involved like a vibrator, Benoit balls
or a pearl g-string. Be open and encouraging. Buy
something and then take it home to try it out together.

For a guy who’s on the cutting edge of things, invest in


webcams for both of you. Start the foreplay for your
evening online as you’re getting dressed, instructing
him on how to log into your computer so that he can
watch you. If he has a webcam as well, he can also
turn on his cam so you can watch how he responds.
Setting up webcams is fairly easy since most come with
a software program that allows you to connect from a
remote computer location to the computer/camera
receiving the images. If the camera you purchase
doesn’t come with this program, you can purchase the
program separately online. Using the keywords
surveillance camera or webcam search for software and
cameras that are compatible with each other. The
information your guy will need to connect from his
computer to yours is your IP (Internet Protocol)
address. You can email your IP access data to him
once you learn what it is. After installing the software
on his computer, he will be able to access your
computer and see you. It is advised that you check
your IP address frequently before using your camera.
Most internet service providers change your IP address
after a period of days or weeks to accommodate their
businesses. You can determine your own IP address by
going to:
www.whatismyipaddress.com.
If you use cameras to titillate your man, his sex drive
will be on high by the time you meet up for your date
and you may make it through dinner or a movie
without a few deep kisses or furtive gropes, but I
doubt it.

For someone who’s interested in old school décor, go


to a vintage clothing store and buy some 50s or 60s
era lingerie to wear in the bedroom or just around the
house. Blanche Dubois had the right idea when she
ran around in a silk slip and not much more. Silk feels
good against a man’s skin and if you leave it on while
he has his way with you, you’ll be as memorable as
Blanche was.
Knowing his background gives you a big key to who he
was raised to be. Since most men are inherently
rebellious against their upbringing, working against
the grain on this one would be in your favor. For
example, if he was raised strictly and morally, then he
expects the woman in his life to be a good girl.

To be memorable, be a naughty girl. Flirt, wear sexy


lingerie under your clothes and very discreetly, let him
see that your bra is black lace or that your panties are
g-string. Don’t be a tramp, be seductive and when you
get into the bedroom, convince him to open up to you
about what his fantasies are; then if it’s at all possible,
enact those fantasies with him. Assure him that no
one will know what you do together except for the two
of you.

Men raised to be strictly moral enjoy having secrets in


the bedroom. They have such an outwardly moral
stance to maintain that the only place they can really
cut loose and be risqué is in the bedroom. Use this
information to your advantage. Discuss his secret
thoughts with him and then act on those thoughts and
you’ll become a permanent and pleasurable fixture in
his mind.

Conversely, if your man was raised in an open minded


environment, or in a hippy era household, then he
probably doesn’t get off on the secretive aspects of
sex. He may already enjoy sex with very few self
imposed boundaries. This doesn’t mean that he will
want to jump right into an orgy, but it does mean that
you should take advantage of his unrestrained mindset
by injecting seduction into activities you already enjoy
together. Try seducing him while you’re together on a
hike or take an amorous camping trip. Pack gourmet
food and wine that enhances romance and bring along
sexy lingerie or a string bikini for the river; then be
prepared, because the sun and the outdoors are
perfect places for a man to relax into his sexual world.
In relaxing his daily responsibilities, his libido will amp
up. So get ready for fireside sex or river edge sex or
fishing trip sex or hiking sex or spelunking sex. You
get the picture. Create memories by integrating the
intimacy the two of you share with an environment
that is already both beautiful and memorable.

What were his choices in other women – does he like


blonds or redheads? Does he like women who wear
tight clothing or tomboy types? All of this information
can be used to seduce him.

First, think about you. Have you ever wanted to be a


sexy redhead? And you say your man likes redheads?
Great! Make an appointment with a colorist and go
red! Or go blond and see if they really do have more
fun. You say your man likes high heels but your
highest heels are your two inch work pumps? Then go
shopping for some sexy outfits that you only wear
around your man or in the bedroom for his pleasure.
Another aspect of this character change requires you
to be a lot bolder. In role play you would wear a wig
and costume like clothes which will establish a fantasy
scenario in your bedroom. If you have decorations to
further set the mood, use them. Then literally adopt
the personality, accent and demeanor of your fantasy
character with your choice of wig and costume. Are
you a chamber maid from old Britain or France? Then
act like it; be demure, be apologetic and consent to
any of the Master’s wishes. Behave like his beck and
call girl. If you want, speak with an accent. You may
even want to wear a special perfume for your fantasies
so that the “you” he is having sex with is completely
different from the daily you he sees doing laundry or
picking up around the house. Be different, but still
you. Someone he cares about and knows, but also
someone who excites him in a brand spanking new
way.

What were the reasons he broke up with his last


girlfriend? Using conversation find out if he wanted to
try things sexually that she was opposed to. Through
conversation you can determine his intentions for the
activity he was unable to experience and still have
space inside of your own mind to decide whether or
not it’s an activity you would undertake – with him. If
it is, then discuss doing it with him or just set up a
time to do it and surprise him. While women
continuously grow emotionally, men match our
advancement by allowing their sexual imaginations to
grow. As a woman, we may still be thinking that our
man enjoys the missionary position, while our man has
been thinking about pulling our skirt up and screwing
us up against a wall for awhile now.

One of the best things you can do with your man is to


talk about sex with him. Not in a clinical discussion,
but in an erotic one. Use the language of love – in
MANSPEAK. The truth about discussing sex with your
man is this, even while we're all speaking the same
language, we're using completely different words. If
you want to master your man sexually, you will need to
start by conquering the language barrier. Men do not
call their penis' a wiener, or even a penis, they call it a
dick, a cock or a member. Similarly, men do not think
of the areas on a woman's body in politically correct
terms. They think of your breasts as boobs or tits,
your vagina as a pussy. The phrase to initiate sex is
not, “Do you want to be intimate with me.” It’s “Please
baby, f*ck me.” I know how this might sound to you.
But to your man these words sound hot. So if you
want to relate to your man, get over the flush of
embarrassment you may feel at the words he wants to
hear. The language men use during sex or to describe
sex themselves is not only more direct, it's more
graphic. It's hardcore and it’s what they will respond
to when you use it with them. It is also the language I
have used throughout this book to help you grow
more accustomed to the way men think about their
own sexuality. So don’t be intimidated, use words
with your man that you will never see on a greeting
card. Speak up and say it loud and proud. “I want to
get laid!”

And while you’re talking to him, tell him what your


fantasies are. Ask him about his. Tell him what you
like about the things he does sexually to you. Tell him
how he makes you feel using key words like, hot, sexy,
hard, intense, baby, mine, yes and more. While you’re
having sex say little things, like “F*ck me” or “More” or
“I love that, don’t stop.” With one boyfriend I had
there was a night where all I said was “Yes” to him.
While we were having sex, I would ask him to say
“Yes” to everything. Every time I would do something,
switch to being on top, or going down on him, I would
ask him, “Yes?” and he would nod, but then I’d say,
“Say yes.” and he would answer “Yes.” I played this
scenario out until he was on top of me plunging his
way to an orgasm saying “Yes Yes Yes Yes” over and
over again. Even in its simplicity, it was hot. Once
men are active sexually, they deactivate mentally, but
you can reactivate them mentally – as long as you’re
doing it with sexuality in mind. Maybe men are not so
hard to understand after all.

So you say, this is all great, but my man still sees me as


the cook, the Mom, the maid…. Sometimes, your man
needs some assistance in breaking through the way
you appear to him. You know he knows you’re a
woman, but for whatever reason he has strayed away
from seeing you as a sexual being. Once again, you
can see how much importance your man places on
your image.

One action that can help in breaking through the


predetermined rolls we set for ourselves or that others
see for us is anonymity. We all love the beginning of
affairs, because we can be any way we want before a
new person gets to know us. We can be the
seductress and not the soccer Mom. The thing is you
can be this way within your preexisting relationship
too. You don't have to leave the people you love in
order to become the person you want to be. Sexually,
this is easier than you think. Here's the explanation.

The key to the success of anonymity is that your man


doesn't see you or hear you during the experience.
Usually we begin intimacy by looking into our lover's
eyes, saying something and then kissing them. They
see us and touch us and then their brains go, "Oh yeah,
I know this person, they make me feel good..." and
then their bodies get into it with you. That's great, but
to break through a sexual rut you need to break
through his established patterns of how he envisions
you sexually in his mind. Or, in this case how he
envisions you asexually. Statistics state that it takes
approximately nine months to a year of different
thought or behavior to change your mind. So you
need to get started right away in altering the way your
man thinks about you as a woman in order to initiate
more exciting changes.

I would suggest you first try anonymous sex in the


dark. Totally in the dark, in pitch dark, eliminating the
sight factor. Turn off or unplug any lights whatsoever
in your bedroom, even the clock light. You don't want
any light to remind you or your man of where you are
or what your responsibilities may be. Don't make
turning off the lights a big production, just do it and
then do this; seduce your man.

Try one of the slow seduction techniques, like the


dedicated blow job or a partial massage. The key is
that you want the room to be so dark that you can't
even see your own hand. Use touch to find your man's
body and use your hands to guide him to your own
body. But do this all silently.

DON’T SPEAK
There's something about the dark that releases the
mind from its position of responsibility. In the dark we
can be however we want to be. We can be daring or
seductive, we can be wild or submissive and our minds
can relax so that our bodies can enjoy the passion. By
having sex in the dark, you can unleash your passion
and free yourself from your restrictive thoughts.

You can also experience partially anonymous sex in the


mornings. We all know that when a man wakes up,
nine times out of ten, he has an erection. Don’t speak.
Don't announce that you want sex, just make it
happen. Prepare in advance by putting the lubricant by
your side of the bed. Put a little lube on your hand,
then slide up against him with your back to his
erection. Reach behind yourself and start stroking his
cock with the lube; then guide his cock into the crack
of your ass. Don't worry; we're not leading into anal
sex. Just let his lubricated cock rub into the crack of
your ass either down towards your vagina or up
towards your back. Use your hand to keep it up
against you and to stroke it as he pushes, because he
will now be pushing slightly or more than slightly up
against you. If he decides he wants to enter you, let
him. If you’re comfortable letting him enter you while
you’re still on your side, great. If not, roll over onto
your stomach and guide him into you from behind.
Then let him have sex with you in that position where
he can’t see your eyes and may not even be able to kiss
your lips. Although he may miss kissing so much that
he turns your head to the side so that he can kiss you.

Another way to establish partial anonymity is to seduce


your man from behind. Start stroking his cock while
you’re standing behind him. You may want to bring
him to orgasm this way or you may only want to excite
him enough so that when he turns to face you, he will
be more aroused than if he were to see your eyes and
know in advance what your sexual expectations are of
him.
The best way to experience successful anonymous sex
is to approach your guy when his brain is in the off
position. Say, in the middle of the night when he's
dreaming and he can’t stop to think that you were mad
at him before you went to bed because he didn't put
gas in the car. Catch him off guard so that his mind
won’t be a deterrent to better sex.

It's ironic that men don't like to overuse their minds in


conducting relationships, yet their thoughts and brains
can become the biggest detractors to their sex life with
you. Letting the little problems in before your bodies
have the opportunity to respond to each other sexually
can stop great sex dead in its tracks.

The most important factor to remember in anonymous


sex is to primarily use your sense of touch to influence
the response you desire. Be silent, unless you are
moaning with pleasure and keep visual contact to a
minimum. By eliminating the use of the hearing and
seeing senses you also eliminate many of the
emotional boundaries we put into our lives that
segregate sexual activity to a particular time of day or
only under certain circumstances. Using anonymous
sex to break through boundaries is a great way to
reestablish exciting new intimacies.

Another easy thing you can do is to reschedule him.


Most couples fall into a groove, a routine based around
their schedules wherein they also schedule sex. For
most, it’s Friday or Saturday night when they end up
getting “frisky” with the one they love. For others it
may be Sunday morning. But that’s how the sex leaves
a relationship. Because if you schedule it, it eventually
stops being an integral part of the schedule, losing to
other more important activities like taking the kids
somewhere, going to the grocery, doing the laundry or
paying the bills and balancing the budget.

Sex in a committed relationship is as important as


eating is to a body. Having sex releases hormones into
our bloodstream that elevate our moods and keep us
happy. Sex enforces our emotional connections to
other people and in doing that; our brains convey to
our souls that we feel safe. Much safer than if we were
to live physically and emotionally separated from
others.

So to keep sex in the schedule, mix up your schedule.


On occasion have morning sex with your man. It’s a
guarantee. Men wake up with a hard on. Use that to
your advantage. They’ll love it and so will you. Or
meet your man for lunch somewhere private and
seduce him. If he can come home for lunch, even
better; greet him in the nude and forget about eating.

Or if you have kids, find an evening babysitter and


meet him right after work at a discreet little hotel for
some intimate time to yourselves. Prioritize sex before
the house and the kids and the thoughts of
responsibility seep in. Find times and places to seduce
your man when he doesn’t expect it. Take him clothes
shopping with you and then sneak him into the
dressing room for a private little make out session.
After that experience he will never resist shopping with
you again.
Mostly, think about sex. If you think about it, you will
be more apt to make it happen. Our lives consist of
the pattern of thought to action. This can apply to sex
as well. If you think about sex you will subconsciously
undertake the actions necessary to have it. And
everyone benefits from those thoughts.

Try this: ask your man to watch his favorite porn flick
with you. While you’re both watching it, start
seducing him, removing his clothes and letting your
hands and mouth arouse his body. He should be able
to see both you and the TV while you do this. At some
point his state of arousal will exceed his self control
and he will want to have sex with you. Let him. Let
him dictate the position be it missionary, from behind
(doggy style) or with you sitting on his lap on top of
him while he can see and feel your body and can still
view the porn on the TV. In doing this, you integrate
thoughts of you into one of his favorite activities, so
that the next time he watches porn, he will also think
of you.

If the two of you are unable to see each other long


enough to have a date or spend the night together,
seduce him over the phone. Phone sex can be very
stimulating for both of you. Initiate the conversation
by reminding him of a time when you were having
great sex. Like, “Remember that time when we were in
my bedroom and my parents were downstairs waiting
for us to get dressed for dinner and instead of getting
dressed you saw me in my lingerie and decided that we
needed to have a few hot minutes undressing each
other instead of eating?” Describe the memory in
detail, reminding him about how you looked or what
you were wearing. Remind him of a factor that
increased the passion between you like, “It was so hot
that day and we were both sort of sweaty so we kept
taking our clothes off.” Don’t forget to compliment
him on how he made you feel during that memorable
time like, “You were going down on me and I loved the
way you kept licking licking licking my clit with just the
tip of your tongue. It was so hot, I wanted to grab
your hair and keep you between my legs all night. You
make me so hot when you do that.” Or, “I love the
way you grind into me when you’re on top. You have
the biggest cock.” Tell him to touch himself while
you’re talking. Tell him you’re touching yourself. Ask
him to tell you his favorite sex memory of the two of
you together and let him know that his memories
make you hot. Note: men love to hear that you love
their cock or that you think it’s big or that it’s perfect.
So don’t hesitate to say this. You’ll be able to tell if the
phone sex is working on him if he gets a little quieter
while you’re speaking and if, when he does speak, his
voice sounds deeper or cracks slightly; or more
obviously, if he has an orgasm.

Shave you; shave him – that’s right, down there. A


cleanly shaved pubic area has many sensitive nerves
right at the surface of the soft, shaved skin. Let him
rub his face down there or stroke his newly shaved
organ up against you. If he has never experienced this,
he will never forget the sensation. It’s addicting.

When preparing to shave, I suggest taking a warm bath


or shower and shaving in the bath or shower in order
to get a close shave. You should use baby oil or men’s
shaving cream for sensitive skin in order to avoid razor
burn. After you shave, I recommend applying just a
light smear of Neosporin cream with pain relief on
your shaved skin. It heals any minor razor rash you
may experience and lightly protects your skin from the
friction of post shaving sex. I also recommend
applying it again after you have sex on both the day
you shave and the day after to keep the stubble from
creating those little red bumps under the skin.
Naturally you will want to keep your shaved areas
moisturized in order to keep the new hair growth soft
and if you notice that you’re having a few ingrown
hairs in the days following your shave, then use a
washrag or loofa to lightly exfoliate the skin and free
the follicles.

If you only shave yourself, then think about putting on


a show for him. Try a slow strip tease which ends with
you masturbating on a chair sitting across from him
where he can watch, but he can’t touch. You can
encourage him to stroke himself. Tell him you want to
watch him. That you want to see how big and hard he
gets and you want to watch him pleasure himself until
he cums. Tell him that you want him to show you how
he does it so that you can do it to him later, the right
way. Guys love to be seen as the Master who knows all
sexually and can impart that wisdom to you. Let them
think that. You have skills; you have resources; that’s
why you have this book. We’ll keep the secret that
you’re the talented one between us and these pages.

Try simultaneous oral sex where he lies down and you


straddle him facing towards his feet. Let him lick you
while you suck him. This is called 69 and is an old
school move, but to this day men still love it. There
are ways to spice this up a bit. Like doing it in one of
those overly cushy lounge chairs in your family room.
Let your man recline in the chair while you kneel on
the overstuffed arms so that you can lower yourself
down onto his mouth and he can rise to meet your
lips. It’s hot to do something old, someplace new and
I guarantee you will never look at shopping for living
room furniture the same way again.

Let’s get a little nasty nasty as I tell you how to use


your mouth on your man’s ass in order to blow his
mind. Start this event by giving him head. Let your
mouth lick and suck him down to the base of his cock
and around his scrotum. The scrotum on a man can be
an overlooked area, so don’t ignore this erogenous
zone. Gently slip one or better yet, both of your man's
balls into your mouth and suck lightly on them while
you are visiting his nether regions. This will be a blast
for him. So do it. Once you’ve broken ground on
licking more than his cock, move your mouth
backwards until you are licking underneath his scrotum
and just in front of his asshole. You may want to do
this to your man after his morning or evening showers
when both you and he feel more comfortable. Lick the
area between his scrotum and his asshole and then
move back to the crack of his ass. Lick up the crack of
his ass, letting your tongue pause slightly at his
asshole. Lick around his asshole. Don't shove your
tongue in deep, just let the tip of your tongue tickle
and lick around the outer area and then just barely lick
inside of his asshole. While you are doing this, move
your hand up between his legs and gently stroke his
cock – you may want to use a little lubricant on him
while you stroke him. Then, lick back down the crack
of his ass, once again pausing at his asshole to lick
around it, letting your tongue invade it ever so slightly.
Next, lubricate one of your fingers with either your spit
or lubricant as you move your mouth back up to his
cock and then slide your finger up into his asshole
while you slide your mouth down the entire shaft of
his cock. I strongly advise cutting your fingernails
before you do this. As you suck on his cock, slide the
entire length of your finger up into his ass until you
reach the rigid muscle of his prostate. Apply gentle
pushing pressure to his prostate while you continue to
suck his cock and stroke the base of his cock with your
hand while you are sucking him, occasionally
squeezing or lightly tugging on his ball sac.
Intermittently, let your mouth drop down to his balls
where you again lick and lightly suck on them before
returning to giving him head until he cums... and he
will cum. Hard.

As you’ve already learned, another version of finger


f*cking your guy is to give him head and just before he
cums, you slide your well lubricated finger up into his
ass immediately applying pressure to his prostate as he
is ejaculating. I guarantee he will go off like a rocket.

Does your guy like chocolate? Good, then slide some


squares of it up inside of you about ½ hour prior to
intimacy with your guy. After dinner is a good time.
Encourage him to go down on you for dessert. As the
chocolate melts inside of you, you will become his
favorite s’more. For summer you can mix it up a bit
with a chocolate covered frozen banana. Slide the icy
goodness up inside of you for a tasty preliminary treat
and let him know that when he finishes his snack,
you’ll finish him off.

Is your man dominant or submissive? Do something as


simple as watching a sex video to learn new positions
to try with him. You be on top for a change. Or if you
feel safe doing this, let him tie your hands above your
head to the bed frame while he pleasures you. Or sit
him in a chair, tying his hands behind him with a scarf
or necktie and then do a strip tease in front of him
where you end up straddling him naked in his lap –
just one zipper away from him entering you. Then
unzip him and finish the play. Straddle him on the
chair while you have sex until each of you has an
orgasm. People carry the misconception that sex
sitting up is impersonal. Quite the opposite. Sex
sitting up increases the usage of all of your senses and
enhances sexual activity. It also amortizes the
responsibility for who is doing the “work” since you’re
riding him and more than likely he’s also pushing up
into you. As well, for a woman it’s a great way to
stimulate your clit while you’re having intercourse
without either party having to use their hands. You
can simply rub your clit against his stomach with each
up or down stroke.

Turning it down a notch, but just as worthy of arousal


are activities like erotic texting. Send seductive and
suggestive messages accompanied by X Rated pics to
your guy throughout his day or evening to ensure that
he’s thinking of you.

Or you can fantasize with him DURING sex. We’ve


brought up the suggestion of discussing fantasy
situations with your man as a precursor to sex or to
sexual escapades, but you can also fantasize with him
during sex without having to do anything more than
whisper a few suggestive scenarios, experiences,
desires or fantasies into his ear. The thought of them
and the act of you whispering them into his ear will
enhance your current sexual activities.

Taking a man’s mind somewhere pleasurable while his


body is already experiencing pleasure is one way to
enhance sex with the same person without trying out
an activity you’re not sure you’re ready to try yet. It’s a
highly arousing way to introduce new ideas to your
lover and to see what the physical/emotional response
is to those thoughts before the two of you find
yourselves face to face, in costume on a Friday night,
trying not to feel silly because you wanted to try
something new.

I’m going to tell you something now which may take


you too far back in your past to sound viable,
especially if you’ve been in a committed relationship
for awhile, but you never know, your life may change
and knowing this basic act may aid you at some future
point.

It’s about condoms. Just about everyone who is old


enough to have sex knows about them and if you’ve
had sex ed in high school, you may know basically how
to put one on a guy, or better yet, how to let him do
the work. What you also may already know is that
using them can interrupt the flow of sexual activity and
not using them can interrupt the flow of safety in our
lives.
I advocate using them and here’s how to use them:
buy some condoms and some bananas at the store to
use for practice. Practice opening the package,
removing the condom and then pinching the reservoir
(the extra area at the end of the condom) free of air.
Next, still pinching the reservoir tip free of air, place
the condom on the top of the banana and then roll the
condom down and over the banana. You will want to
use your thumb and first finger to make a ring around
the top of the banana and then use those same fingers
to roll the condom down over the banana – just like
you would if it was a man’s cock. You want your hand
to mimic the action of a hand job as you apply the
condom. A hand job is where your hand is cupped
around his cock with your thumb and first finger
creating a ring that applies pressure on his cock as you
stroke up and down. Apply the condom using the
same technique, only in applying the condom, just
stroke down and not back up again or you may end up
removing the condom after you’ve applied it.

To enhance the use of a condom on your man, you may


want to masturbate him (stroke him, jerk him off) with
a little lubricant as you are opening the package and
preparing to apply the condom. I believe using just a
little lube on a man’s cock under the condom increases
his pleasure while he’s wearing it. But don’t use too
much lube, or the condom will slip off during sex.

Obviously, in using a condom, the two of you will have


to separate from your embrace in order to apply the
condom. Don’t let that moment of separation
extinguish your passion. Keep things hot by stroking
your man, or by giving him head while he’s opening
the condom package.
The best and most erotic way I know of to put a
condom on a man is to open the package beforehand
and leave the condom in a discreet place near the bed.
When things get hot and it’s time to put the condom
on your man, put it in your mouth (this is where
flavored condoms are preferable) and use your mouth
to put the condom on his cock. That’s right. Put the
condom on him using your mouth. Use your tongue to
pinch closed the reservoir tip of the condom and then
use your lips to unroll it all the way down his shaft.
Your lips will have to be firm around his cock in order
to unroll the condom down his shaft, but it’s definitely
the most erotic way to apply protection and it feels
good to him too. More than likely he won’t mind
using protection if it’s applied like this.

Here are a couple of tips on prolonging his pleasure


which of course prolongs your pleasure.

If your man faces challenges getting hard, ask him to


visit his doctor to discuss what drugs are available that
enhance sexual potency. There are a number of little
pills on the market that do not have any marked side
effects. The pills encourage blood flow to his package
so that when the proper sexual/emotional stimulation
occurs, he will be physically ready.

If he can get hard, but occasionally succumbs to his


own thoughts and loses his erection, then you might
want to discuss using a cock ring with him. A cock ring
is not the perverse item it was once stigmatized to be.
It is a piece of material which works as a band around
the base of his cock. Once he is erect, you secure it
into place at the base of his cock and depending on the
ring, sometimes around his balls and then the ring
stabilizes his erection.

In order to understand how a cock ring works, let’s


revisit Biology 101. A man becomes hard because the
flow of blood increases to his penis, supporting the
strength of the existing muscle and creating an
erection. Once the blood is in his organ, you use a
cock ring like a rubber band to close off the exit path
of the blood flow from his cock back into his body, a
circumstance which would result in a flaccid penis.
The cock ring forces the blood to remain up inside his
penis, maintaining his erection. But never ever use a
rubber band as a substitution for a cock ring.

Here’s the thing, while the cock ring is on your man, he


will remain hard, but he will not be able to cum. So,
when he’s ready to cum, remove the cock ring so that
he can ejaculate. I suggest buying a ring that you can
remove easily from your man when he is ready to cum.
You don’t want to delay pleasure for both of you while
you figure out how to remove the cock ring so that he
can ejaculate. By visiting your local adult store or
looking online at a selection of rings, you will be able
to find a cock ring that will suit both you and your man
in terms of the materials used (leather, rubber, etc.)
and how easily it can be applied and removed.

So by now I hope you’ve had a good time and you’re


ready for ...

round two!
Okay, here’s what has worked for me: let your man
cool down and catch his breath from the first round.
Wipe the sweat or cum off of him to relax him, but
don’t let him start thinking about any chores he needs
to do or if he needs to run any errands. He might be a
little hungry, since he’s depleted his resources with
sex. So, if he needs to eat, then you go get a snack,
leaving him in bed. Note: I said snack and not a meal.
The point is to provide immediate sustenance, not to
totally digress from the sexual intimacy. To maintain
the intimacy, keep his mind on you by gently stroking
his chest, thighs or back. Stroke his hair or give him a
sip of water by taking it into your mouth and then
letting him drink it from your mouth while he kisses
you. Blow lightly on his body or face to create a gentle
cooling breeze. If you talk to him, talk about
pleasurable things, preferably sexual topics so that his
mind remains on sex.

Then, once he’s cooled off, but not down, use your
hands if they are very warm or go into the bathroom to
get a very warm, but rung out (not dripping wet)
washcloth and place the washcloth or your hands on
his ball sack. The point is to warm up his balls so that
his hot blood will return to the lower half of his body –
i.e. his cock, encouraging another erection. Let your
hands or the washcloth slowly heat up your lover.
Don’t scrub or rub, just apply a gentle but constantly
heated light pressure. If the washcloth cools down,
then reheat it and reapply it to his groin. Give the
blood in his body a few moments to reach his scrotum.
When you think that he is heated up, remove the cloth
or your hands and place your mouth on his cock. Start
sucking gently on him. Bear in mind that this isn’t a
porn contest. It’s a revival. Suck him and while you
suck him gently work the areas on a man I like to refer
to as his g-spots.

Just like a woman, a man has several areas in his crotch


that when stimulated correctly will arouse him or
enhance arousal. Three of these are on his cock.

Using your tongue, lightly lick the underside of his


cock at the top where the helmet/head meets the shaft.
It’s a small spot that he can’t see when he strokes
himself. It’s the spot where the head of his cock joins
the shaft of his cock and it’s directly on the underneath
side of his cock, right at the base of the head.

The second spot is the ridge that runs all the way
around the bottom of the head of his cock. If you’re
stroking him and you start your stroke at the top of
the head of his cock, then when you stroke down, right
where your hand leaves the head of his cock to stroke
the shaft, that’s the ridge where there are a lot of
pleasure points on a man. That’s the area you want to
go up and down on over and over again with your lips
while you’re giving him head or with your fingers as
you’re stroking him.

The third area is the base of his cock where it meets


his body. Men like to have that area squeezed and
pulled a bit (but not hard) with either your hand or
your mouth. That’s why they like a girl who can deep
throat. Because she can hit all three spots while she’s
giving him head. Lucky guy, talented girl.

The last spot you want to focus on is the spot


underneath his scrotum, between his scrotum sack and
his asshole. To reach it, you will need to lift his
scrotum up so that you can massage this spot with
your fingers or lick it with some pressure from your
mouth. The combination of stimulating these areas,
preferably with your mouth and the application of the
warm cloth or your warm hands should at least
partially revive your man’s erection. Once his cock
shows renewed signs of life seduce him mentally with
fantasy discussion while you stroke his body, kissing
spots on his body and either continuing to give him
head or to stroke his fledgling erection. Touching
yourself while you’re giving him head is also advisable
so that he understands that the situation is not one of
expectation from him, but rather a continuous sexually
charged experience between the both of you.

Let his passion build slowly after he’s initially


ejaculated, while you’re going to work on a second
round. It might take a couple of moments and some
encouraging activity from you but most of the time,
you’ll end up back in action and the results are worth
the effort.

Above all remember this; most men are incredibly


flattered and easily aroused when the women in their
lives initiate sex and they become even more
enthusiastic to follow through on their arousal when
they don’t have to make the first move. In other
words, to make it happen, show up... ready to make it
happen.
BACKDOOR MAN
9

Anal sex is tricky. There is a specific way to go about it


in order to avoid any unpleasant aftereffects.
However, if you do it successfully with your man, I
guarantee he’ll forever want to do it with you. No
matter if he’s involved elsewhere at some future time
in your lives, he will still want to do it with you again.

For women, the results of anal sex are compromised.


You may enjoy it, but the enjoyment will come with a
price. I’m going to discuss the unpleasantries first.
After having anal sex you will notice that the muscles
of your anus will relax and you may find that there’s
some seepage a couple of hours after the experience.
Similarly there may be some excess flatulence for
awhile that you will be unable to control. So I don’t
advise traveling far from home in the hours after
you’ve had it. But if you’re still into it, here are some
pointers.

ALWAYS USE LUBRICANT.

ALWAYS and no, your saliva or his saliva is not


sufficient lubricant. I also advise that you have a good
bowel movement before you have anal sex. Otherwise
don’t have anal sex on your ivory colored, 800 thread
count sheets. If you haven’t had a good movement
before you have anal sex, you’ll be disposing of your
sheets after you have had (what will be messy) anal sex.
If you want to have anal sex on a regular basis and your
bowel movements are irregular, then you might try
using an enema before you have sex. They are sold in
most drug stores and are relatively easy to use at
home. Cleaning out your colon before anal sex is
preferable for all parties involved.

Your man should not just plunge into you. There


needs to be foreplay to relax you entirely so that
you’re in a sexual mood, desiring anal sex. Then he
needs to lightly stroke you back there and finger your
ass very gently. If you don’t respond well to this, then
either don’t have anal sex or continue playing until you
feel you are ready. You’ll know when you’re ready
because your asshole will have relaxed enough for your
man to insert two fingers at one time and inserting his
fingers will feel good to you instead of awkward. If all
is well and you are ready, then he should lubricate and
massage himself until he is very aroused (hard). If he’s
only partially erect, then he will have difficulty entering
you and you will not experience positive anal sex. For
a first time position I suggest doggy style. This is with
you on your hands and knees while you let him enter
you from behind.

NOW LISTEN – under no circumstances should HE


enter YOU. The way it should be done is that YOU
need to push back onto him with you controlling how
deeply he enters you and how quickly. You need to
use your hand and guide his cock into you. He should
not push at all! If he pushes even slightly before your
muscles are relaxed enough to take him in, he will
cause you pain. He should know that once you feel
pain having anal sex, all bets are off. The sex for the
evening will come to an abrupt end while you nurture
yourself. Hey, I’m just stating the facts. So if you’re
ready to start pushing back onto him, here’s what else
he can do to stimulate and relax you further while he
enters you. He can reach around you and massage
your clit. You should already be wet from the foreplay,
so rubbing you on your clit and labia should feel really
good. If he continues to rub you once he’s inside of
you that will feel great to you as well.

Once he’s inside, he should still be gentle with you.


The walls of the anal cavity are not as flexible as the
vaginal cavity; even though your asshole can actually
dilate up to 8 inches should the trivia question ever
arise. A man can pump in and out of you anally, but he
can’t drive his cock with any intensity into you or you
may end up with fissures (small splits in your skin)
inside of your anus. These splits are not pleasant and
when you think about the bacteria that will flow past
them to exit your body, you could be subjecting
yourself to infection if you do not exercise caution.

A final thought. Once your man has entered you


anally, under no conditions should he reenter you
vaginally until he has thoroughly washed his cock and
your vaginal area off with soap and water. If you were
to get any bacteria from your rectum up inside of your
vagina or up into his urethra or yours, it could cause a
weighty bacterial infection. So remember cleanliness
is before sexiness.

There is one other activity that comes to mind when I


think of cleanliness or anal sex. This thought isn’t
really a backdoor item, it’s more front door thinking
for men and a sidebar thought here. As women, we all
know that men are fascinated with what comes out of
their penises. If they can squirt it out in pleasure, then
it immediately becomes a recreational tool for them.
Obviously, men like orgasms but some are also mildly
delighted with peeing. Who hasn’t seen a guy pee his
name in the snow or take random shots at the toilet
seat to amuse himself?

It’s called watersports or golden showers when your


partner wants to pee on you. For those of you who
have never heard of this, consider yourself blessed
with ignorance, because it can be messy and smelly. I
was exposed to the fascination some guys have with
peeing at a young age. I was five and the little boy
down the street decided I looked like a fireplug and he
was a dog. Typical.

Some women like this degrading experience, some


don’t. I personally don’t, no matter how careful the
man wants to be (i.e. – let’s do it in the shower, let’s
do it over the toilet, let’s do it outside). To me,
regardless of the setup, it’s still the act of a waste
product being dumped on me in order to stimulate a
guy’s ego/erection and under these circumstances,
those two become synonymous.

However, if you’re into it, here are a couple of facts:


One, it’s not toxic. Two, it won’t kill you or make you
sick, even if you accidentally get it in your mouth.
Three, if you decide to participate in this ritual with
your man, then may I suggest having him aim for your
hair? Urine is an excellent, vitamin enriched protein
that thickens and conditions your hair. Read your
shampoo bottles ladies, the ingredient urea? That’s
urine. It’s been bottled and sold to you for decades.
And don’t you look fabulous! Lastly, if you ever get
stung by a jellyfish, you would want to ask someone to
pee on the sting since that would be the key to
relieving your pain. I guess there are positive uses for
urine after all. But I really hope you never get stung by
a jellyfish.

Back to anal sex now. While I’ve stated all the


cautions here about anal sex so that you can make
your most educated decision about having it, please
know that anal sex can be very pleasurable for both
men and women and surprising your man with the
experience of it will be something he will never forget.

A little later on in the book, I’ll explain to you how you


can use your ass for yourself in what I like to refer to
as the trifecta of orgasms.
SAFETY DANCE
10

Let’s take a few more moments to talk about unsafe


sex, rough sex, autoerotic asphyxiation, multiple
coupling and erratic personalities.

In its worst examples rough sex can be defined as


experiencing someone dominating or restraining you
and then hitting or torturing you with sex toys, tools,
their hands or their body; possibly forcing you to
undertake oral, anal or vaginal sex when your body is
not ready for entry (without lubrication) or when you
don’t want to.

There are some overly aggressive men who derive


pleasure from being rough in the bedroom and who
might ask you to be their “slave.” An act which to
most women would be role play, where you would
make food and be somewhat sexually submissive, but
to these men it goes further than that. They want to
dominate you in a controlling and degrading way.
They might want to call you names like slut, tramp,
whore or bitch and use your body against your will in
ways that might injure you.

Women are adaptable, we can acclimate to almost


anything that enters or exits our life. But don’t adapt
to this kind of sex under the guise of love. This kind of
rough sex is not about intimacy, love or even just
sexual tolerance. It’s about control. It’s about a man
wanting to take the power away from a woman so that
he can use her power against her in aggressive and
destructive ways. This friends, is the first step in
intimacy abuse. So as much as you may desire to
please your man,

DON’T DO IT IN THIS MANNER.

The outcome will eventually destroy you from the


inside where your spirit is all the way out to who you
are in the world.

Remember,
the purpose of this book is to aid you in
breaking new ground with your man, not to give
a man the tools to break you.

The same assessment goes for autoerotic


asphyxiation. In simple terms it means choking
someone while you are having sex with them. You
may have read in the news that some people (mostly
men) attempt this act on themselves while they are
masturbating; an act which occasionally results in their
deaths; just as it could result in yours. When a person
practices autoerotic asphyxiation alone while they are
masturbating, what they are attempting to experience
is a rush of blood to their head (brain) as they orgasm.
However, when a man chokes a woman during sex, he
is not trying to experience anything more than physical
dominance over that woman.

A lot of men will say that they like autoerotic


asphyxiation, but they do not mean that they like
experiencing a rush of blood to their head as they are
being choked. What they mean is that they like
choking women. The person being choked is the one
experiencing autoerotic asphyxiation. The person
doing the choking is experiencing the power of sexual
dominance. Don’t let anyone trick you into pleasing
them with this sex act. No matter what they say, when
a person likes choking another person, they do not like
autoerotic asphyxiation, they like sexual dominance.

The pseudo act of taking a life is a risk no woman who


loves herself should ever undertake. I can tell you
from first hand experience that looking into the eyes of
a man who says he loves you, that you love, as he is in
the act of choking the life out of you for his sexual
pleasure is a position that can conflict with your good
self esteem.

Not to mention the damage it does to your mind and


your face. Do you think you have beautiful eyes? After
practicing autoerotic asphyxiation the whites of your
eyes will be blood red as a result of the trauma the tiny
blood vessels will have experienced because you were
choked. Do you value your mind? Your thoughts?
Then protect your brain. Don’t let an affair or a sexual
act come into your life which will deliberately sever
your brain from the blood and oxygen it needs to
continue the job of running your body properly. Not
even one time is safe.

Most men who fantasize about undertaking autoerotic


asphyxiation are inept at executing it. They are ill
prepared to enact it in a way that ensures your safety.
They don’t understand that the esophagus is as fragile
as eggshells. One wrong pressure and your esophagus
can shatter and you might die. Are you willing to risk
your life so that your lover can have an orgasm?
Let’s really think about this and the act of rough sex.
In its most outrageous examples, it goes far beyond
the acceptable limits of experimentation or even sexual
enhancement. It emulates rape, molestation and
violence; all actions where the outcome, the design of
the outcome is the destruction of a woman. If your
man is asking you to voluntarily put yourself into an
overly aggressive and violent sexual situation with him,
then he does not love you. He does not care about
your well being. A man who desires violence in the
bedroom is a sick individual who will injure you
wherever he can find the opportunity. Don’t give it to
him in the bedroom, in the area where relations
between men and women should support intimacy and
not be personally destructive.

If your man behaves like this, leave him if it is at all


possible. Leave him far behind and go find a man who
will experiment playfully with you; a man who will
behave lovingly to you as you both grow sexually and
intimately; a man who will not ask you to risk your life
for his pleasure.

NOTE: Hair pulling or biting during sex is subjective.


Hair pulling can occur on purpose or by accident and
while some men and women like it, some don’t. Hair
pulling occurs during rough sex, but sometimes it
occurs as a passionate and unconscious response to
the heat of the moment. The same goes for biting;
only you can tell when your lover is caught up in his
passion or if he’s deliberately trying to inflict injury on
you.
How you interpret the hair pulling or biting that may
occur during your sex is between you and your
partner. If you don’t like it, I recommend discussing
that fact with him before you have sex and before both
of you are involved in sexual activity. Hot moments
can cool quickly if someone throws a fit because their
hair got pulled or because a bite happened that wasn’t
expected.

An additional thought for you women, there are more


than a few men who also don’t like to have their hair
pulled. Remember, a man’s hair is a touchy subject,
especially as he gets older and as his hair gets thinner.
So to pull what little he may still have left during sex
might be an emotional detractor to an otherwise
delightful coupling.

Here are a few words on threesomes or orgies. To


some they sound like fun and to some they are. But
they can be a detriment to your existing relationship
and I have found that a majority of women really desire
one on one intimacy, despite what they may say after
having had a few drinks at a party.

Once you bring another person into the bedroom,


there will always be a third person in the relationship
and the doubt or worry that one or the other of you is
still thinking of the third. The short answer to this is
that if your partner keeps pushing you to have a
threesome and you don’t want to do this, then let him
go. Send him away to have a threesome or a
whateversome without you and if he decides to come
back to your relationship, request that he take an HIV
test and a test for Hepatitis before you let him have
unprotected sex with you again.
Safety is important. The only way to avoid sexually
transmitted diseases is total abstinence. Condoms
afford a measure of protection, but only latex
condoms; lambskin or any other material is not
sufficient protection from STDs. And please note that
condoms, like containers of milk, have a “use by” date
which should be adhered to in order to ensure
effectiveness.

It is ultimately up to you to decide whether or not you


will ever choose to have unprotected sex. But if you
do, I advise that initially you really get to know your
man, starting with his mind. Is he true to his word? Is
he actually sincere or does he just sound sincere?
Does he say what he thinks and does he do what he
says? If so, then ask him to take a test for HIV and
Hepatitis so that you can have sex confidently.
Intimacy and sex should be fun for everyone. Illness
and death are by no means fun. Protect yourself 100%
of the time so that you are in complete control of your
own sexuality, health and future.

In milder thoughts, we women dream about finding


our soul mate. But sometimes when it happens we
lose ourselves to our man and in our relationship. We
start behaving differently, making choices we have
never even thought of making before. Sometimes
those choices are good, but sometimes those choices
destroy our self worth and we land in abusive
situations.

I'm not going to go into a critical examination of


abusive relationships. What I am going to say is that
it's totally natural for two people who are emotionally
and physically close to begin to live in an exchangeable
world. What I mean by an exchangeable world is that
two people who are very close start picking up each
other's habits. For a woman, this may mean you
develop an interest in football; while your man may
start to use eye cream at night. But the exchange can
also occur sexually and that's what I want you to look
at.

When a woman lets her soul blend with the soul of a


man, what really happens is that she gets a little more
psychically tuned in to him. I mean it. You start to
develop this intuition about what he wants and
subconsciously you begin to direct your body into
providing it for him. This can be great for the
relationship or in a worst case scenario, it can be
devastating to you.

One sign that you are "out of character," in other


words, overdosing on your intuitive connection to your
man, might be that you start doing things sexually that
you have never even thought of doing before. This
does not mean that you start utilizing the suggestions
in Chapter 8; it means that you start letting your man
do things to your body that you have never let any man
do because you thought they were abusive or
degrading. Try to remember, you are a woman with
your man, you are not his 9th grade biology
experiment.

As women, we excel in convincing ourselves that any


brutal truths we are experiencing are really
misperceptions. Over the years we have developed the
skill of looking at unpleasant situations and then
justifying our choices made in those situations so that
instead of rejecting the people involved, we can accept
them and in the case of the men we are involved with,
so that we can continue to love them.

Women frequently use their intuition to tune in to the


wavelengths of people we love so that we can share
happiness with them. This doesn't necessarily mean
that you can read minds, but you will find yourself
making choices that please the people you love
because you have tuned into what pleases them.
Pleasing people is great. Pleasing people in a way that
injures you, isn’t.

If you find yourself in a relationship, behaving in a way


where you are internally asking yourself, "What am I
doing? I've never liked this before because I thought it
was wrong for me." Then I strongly suggest you take a
step back from your relationship to determine what
choices you are making that are sincerely your own
and what choices you are making so that you can make
your man happy. Be true to yourself in the relationship
and not a shadow of who he is. Living in the shadows
can destroy you.

Another thing that can destroy you are lies. To most


men the truth is subjective and commensurate upon
how the man wants to see himself. While this act
might be more delusional than dishonest, there are
still many ways to lie. A person can do it outright; or
they can use part of the truth in their lie; or they might
state the truth out of context to the situation; or they
may say one thing, but consistently do another; or they
might use a lie of omission, which is where they are
not forthcoming with the truth and in the absence of
telling the truth outright, they are really lying. To be
brief I will say that if a man lies anywhere in his life,
then he probably lies somewhere in his relationship
with you as well. And a person who lies, generally will
never stop. They may appear to stop. But really they
have just become more proficient at lying.

Listen carefully to what your man says. If it sounds too


good, too real, too unreal to be true, then it probably
isn’t true. The way you can tell lies from the truth is to
look at the actions surrounding the words. If a person
is honest, then their actions will support their words.

What they say will be what they do.

Certainly, everyone lies to some degree. But a


pathological liar can wreak havoc on your emotional
stability for years to come if you let him continue to
live in your world as the liar he is. If he wants to try to
change, encourage him. It is possible. There will be
some backsliding and in hearing the truth you may
hear things that you would rather not listen to, but
over time, he may become more honest than not. And
that’s no lie.

We women frequently find ourselves attracted to


emotionally unavailable men and it's hard to tell at first
glance who's emotionally available and who isn't. They
all look alike, sound alike and say the same engaging
things to start a relationship. Problems arise with
emotionally unavailable men because they usually
don’t realize that they are emotionally unavailable.
They are what are known as commitmentphobic.
The only way you can tell if a man is
commitmentphobic or not is to place him in a position
where he has to commit to some aspect of his
relationship with you. In a short term relationship a
commitment may involve meeting his parents or
friends, an act which outwardly states that the two of
you are involved. If you have been seeing each other
long enough, you may ask for a sexual commitment
(monogamy) or, if you’ve been involved even longer it
may be to make the decision to live together, get
married or even to have children. If your man’s
response to your request for commitment is to run or
to withdraw emotionally, leaving you guessing as to
the status or future of your relationship, then he is
probably commitmentphobic.

Commitmentphobic men come in all shapes and sizes


and they present like the best guys in the world. That's
because they want to be the best guys in the world so
in the beginning, they put their best side out there;
they're just too afraid to continue being the best guy
long enough to close the deal. It can be anything that's
scared them - the divorce of their parents, pain from an
old relationship, or the desire to keep their options
open, but they run because of fear. Fear that they
don't even recognize in themselves. You can't change
them. If you try, you will drive them even further
away. The only way to have a relationship with a
commitmentphobic guy is to give him lots of freedom;
to know that he will disappoint you; and to be ready to
overcompensate in every aspect in the relationship,
because while he might give you 25-30% of his efforts,
you will have to pick up the remaining 70-75% of the
efforts for the relationship to exist at all.
If you pay attention, you can see a commitmentphobic
guy coming over the horizon; he’ll be the one carrying
a lot of bags. It's the guy who could make plans to see
you, but calls you instead or the guy who could call,
but text messages. It’s the guy who looks for love
online instead of in person. It’s the guy who thinks
long distance relationships can work. It’s the guy who
doesn’t have any plans for holidays like Thanksgiving
or Christmas, but somehow doesn’t end up making
plans with you. In fact, it’s the guy who won’t make
plans with you when you have time, but as soon as you
make other plans, he’s ready to make plans with you
and if you don’t change your plans for him, he thinks
you’re not making any effort. It’s the guy who never
leaves anything at all behind at your house. It is the
guy who is more than willing to come into your life to
meet your friends and family and do your thing with
you, but one day you wake up and realize that you
have only been to his home once or twice, you don’t
know what he thinks and you have never met his
friends. In a relationship, he may not even behave as if
he wants to be involved with you at all... until you
break up with him. Then, he can’t live without you.
While you are involved, commitmentphobic guys will
usually lie, cheat and abandon you emotionally when
you need them the most. Or they will
compartmentalize their involvement with you or with
other people in their life, so that there's no blending of
your relationship and any other relationships they are
involved in and you can't figure out why.

Why is because he doesn't want to make a full time


investment in the relationship because he's
commitmentphobic. He doesn't want to "share" a life
with you, he just wants to enjoy your life and then
return to his own separate life. With a
commitmentphobic guy, his life is like Fort Knox and
your life is like his own personal 24 hour mini mart
where he can get what he needs and then return home
leaving nothing behind.

Being with a commitmentphobic guy is emotionally


devastating. Commitmentphobic men behave
apathetically about being involved with you. They will
be the worst boyfriend, until you try to move on and
then they start acting like the best boyfriend. But, if
you rely on this change, they become the worst
boyfriend again. You may think you can handle it, but
eventually it will deplete your personal resources and
break your spirit. You should never stay with someone
who is not consistently delighted to be involved with
you and who doesn’t continuously reciprocate to you a
generous response of emotion.

If you are already involved with a commitmentphobic


guy there are two things you need to do. One is to
look for a used copy of the best book on
commitmentphobia I've ever read, it's called MEN WHO
HATE WOMEN & THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM, by
Susan Forward Ph.D. and Joan Torres. It details every
aspect of commitmentphobia in a constructive and
supportive manner. Two, take a solid look at your own
personality. It's easy to blame others for the
predicaments we find ourselves in, but the truth is, you
are what you attract to yourself. You may say you
want a commitment, but if you end up with a
commitmentphobic man, I can virtually guarantee that
despite what you say you want, you are also somewhat
commitmentphobic.
Think about it, how many great guys have you met that
you thought were “boring” because they were so
consistent? A judgment that derailed you from
participating in the loving, committed relationship you
keep saying you desire? Daily love is consistent and is
not always fireworks and passion and a guy who is
consistent will love you daily.

I can't say this enough. Your man is how he is. You


can't resolve his fear and you can't change him. If he
wants to change, he will make that effort and it will
happen. If not, it won't. Your only choice in dealing
with other people and in this case, commitmentphobic
men, is to live with them the way they are or to leave.
There's no need to feel as if you are stuck with bad
choices. Address your own issues by once again,
listening to yourself. Have internal discussions with
yourself on your own fears and desires and respect
your own feelings until you can eliminate the
destructive aspects of your own life. Once you resolve
your own issues, you will attract a man who has a solid
mentality and you will have the better relationship
with a good guy that you want. Once you’re whole
again, that “boring” guy will start looking like the best
guy in the world and he will be, to you.

Some men are Mr. Right and some men are Mr. Right
Now. Being safe means doing what feels right to you.
If it doesn’t feel right, it may not be right and not every
choice is right or wrong for every woman. Learn the
saying, “Better safe, than sorry.” If you have any
hesitations about your emotional or physical safety
with a man, then go home and regroup and think
about what is the best choice for you. You can’t be too
safe. You can be too sorry if you weren’t safe enough.
DESPERATE,
BUT NOT SERIOUS
11

As women, we practice the art of depriving ourselves


of things that make us happy, even though we are
keenly aware that happiness is a key to our survival.
We undertake this deprivation until we create a void in
ourselves; a big empty space, waiting to be filled.
When the void gets to be too big to be ignored, we
decide to stop depriving ourselves. We think, “Why
should I deprive myself? I deserve happiness and this
will make me happy.” And we’re right, we should be
happy. That’s usually the point when we decide that
we will fill the void that we’ve created regardless of
how much it takes to fill it or what it costs us.

As women, we tend to create voids around eating,


shopping and men. After we starve ourselves on diets,
we binge eat until we are bloated, fat and guilty. We
tell ourselves not to shop and to maintain a restrictive
budget until we’re so needy that in response to our
need we shop until our credit card bills rival the
national debt. We deny ourselves the experience of
relationships until we are so lonely and devoid of
emotional validation that we become willing to pursue
a relationship with any guy that will look at us for
longer than 15 seconds. Even if he looks like the kind
of guy who just dragged himself out of bed and onto
the barstool for the evening.
WE LET OUR LIVES DEVELOP A VOID AND
THEN WE FILL THAT VOID WITH WHATEVER WE
CAN GRAB ONTO REGARDLESS OF
WHETHER OR NOT IT’S BEST FOR US.

Don’t let this happen to you – again.

Here’s what I recommend. If you do everything in


moderation, then you won’t end up with a void and
subsequently, you won’t end up filling the void
excessively.

Here’s an example. You’ve dated plenty in your


lifetime. In fact, you’ve just ended your last
relationship. Well, six months ago. You’ve done all
right in the meantime; you have a gym membership
and lots of new shoes. You’re saving for that trip to
London you’ve always wanted to take and you’ve
signed up for a cooking class. Who needs sex? You’ve
had that. In fact, you had great sex with your last
boyfriend. The lying, cheating, bastard who also had
great sex with his secretary. You’re not sixteen
anymore, so you don’t need sex or even want sex all
that often. Or, so you tell yourself. Meanwhile, you
watch every couple that walks past you as you have
your lunch in the park. You can see what you’re
missing; companionship, intimacy, just having
someone around to do things with. You have replaced
old people with new hobbies. You like to cook now.
Seeing all the couples, you wish you had someone to
cook for.

I know. I’ve been there and I understand.


But here’s what happens. You comfort yourself with
these patronizing thoughts for the better part of a year
and now it’s been over a year since a man has touched
your hand. Even accidentally. You’re starting to feel
desperate. But you ignore your desperation. That’s
not you. You are vibrant and beautiful. You’ve
whitened your teeth. Your gym membership has paid
off. You’ve lost 17 pounds. You don’t need a man to
complete you. You are complete. But still, you miss
the intimacy. You wonder if a man will ever hold your
hand again. You wonder if it’s possible to forget how
to kiss. You think, “It might be....” You kiss the back
of your hand to see if your suspicious fear is true. You
can’t tell from kissing the back of your hand.

So you decide you need to get out. You call up the


girls from your stitch and bitch group and you make
plans for the weekend. Friday night arrives and you’re
ready. You’ve waxed, tweezed, trimmed, highlighted,
flossed, exfoliated, moisturized, plumped, fluffed,
blown dried, curled and dressed in a manner that will
make undressing very very exciting. You’re ready to
hit the bar and relieve your social anxiety.

When you get there, you scope out the joint and
realize the pickings are pretty slim. But you’re
determined. You’ve come to meet someone new to
get involved with and that will happen. Maybe. No...
it will. You console yourself again with the thought
that you have had plenty of sex in your lifetime. Even
great sex, like the sex you had with your ex
boyfriend.... Suddenly you get the twinges of a tiny
panic attack. You don’t want that to be the last great
sex you’ll ever have. Rapidly, you look around for just
one decent guy.
You see someone. He’s sitting in the corner, off by
himself, nursing a beer. He looks pensive, like he’s got
weighty thoughts on his mind; he’s barely paying
attention to the rest of the bar. You go over, smile
brightly and introduce yourself. He grudgingly shakes
your hand and mutters his name in response. You
smile brighter and think “This is your lucky day! You’re
going to be with me!”

Yes, he is and he doesn’t deserve you, but you won’t


realize that until six months down the line, after you’ve
diligently waxed, tweezed, trimmed, highlighted,
flossed, exfoliated, moisturized, plumped, fluffed,
blown dried, curled and dressed in a manner that will
make undressing very very exciting, because that’s
when you’ll realize that he’s barely noticed your
efforts. And that’s because he’s an introvert and you’re
an extrovert. It’s also because he wasn’t looking for a
partner to share his life with and you were. And WHY
did this happen?

BECAUSE YOU LET A BIG, EMPTY, VOID IN YOUR


LIFE GET FILLED BY ANYTHING THAT CAME ALONG
SO THAT YOU WOULDN’T HAVE A BIG, EMPTY,
VOID IN YOUR LIFE.

He was anything. He also wasn’t the best thing for


you. He was just the anything you determined you
were going to get for yourself because you couldn’t
stand the void.

In order to avoid this pitfall into the void, date like you
should eat and eat like you should shop.

In moderation and continuously.


Make and have friends that are men. Many of them, so
that you can experience what it is you like and enjoy in
a man and so you can determine what it is you don’t
like and definitely what isn’t right for you. Stay in
contact with those friends. Call them, see them, talk
with them. Being friends doesn’t mean you owe them
the pleasure of your body or your heart. Just be a
good friend. By having friends, what will happen is
that you will never have a BIG, EMPTY, VOID. Instead,
you will have a space reserved, when the right guy
comes along and not, inappropriately before. Because
as we know, if we eat too much, we get a stomach
ache and if we wear the wrong shoes, they hurt our
feet and if we get involved with the wrong man, we
will just get hurt.

Since hormones and puberty became acquainted, we


have foolishly thought that if we have great chemistry
with a guy, a great relationship will follow. WRONG. If
we have great chemistry with the wrong guy, what
follows is a break in our lives which may sometimes
require years to heal. The following are two examples
of what will happen if you get involved in the wrong
relationship.

First example: You’re an executive and you’re in love


with a musician. The two of you have great chemistry,
but your schedules are like night and day. Literally.
He’s a night person and you have a day job. But still,
you decide to live together because you want the kind
of life the word idyllic was created to define. After
awhile, his entrances at 3 am to romance you ‘til the
sun comes up, disrupt your sleep and your day job so
much that you know you have to change your schedule
back to what works for you or neither of you will have
a roof over your heads. So you decide you need to be
asleep by 11 pm and stay asleep no matter what. What
you didn’t know was that now you and your boyfriend
will argue over this decision because he feels like,
“You’re not trying in this relationship any more.” You
attempt to explain your job responsibilities, but
instead of understanding, he thinks your explanation is
insulting to his own struggling career and now the
fight is really on. You wish you’d just kept your mouth
shut and remained sleep deprived.

Eventually, he moves out. Leaving a big empty space


on his side of your life and leaving you to pick up the
pieces. You resolve that you’ll never let the wrong guy
into your right life again.

I hope you won’t. It’s great to have chemistry and it’s


even better if that chemistry leads to true love. But if
the two of you don’t sincerely blend well, then all the
chemistry in the world won’t save your life or his from
destruction. It takes responsibility and mature
decisions in order to maintain the life that’s best for
you when someone new enters it. And in the absence
of one person making adult decisions, the other
person will still have to – for both parties involved.

Here’s the second example. I know a great guy who


has a sixteen year old daughter who he adores. In
order to be available to pick her up and drop her off
where she wants to go, he doesn’t schedule many
social engagements (read: dates) for himself. As a
result, he hasn’t had a real girlfriend since before she
was born. It sounds like a big sacrifice for her and it is,
but it works between the two of them. It just doesn’t
work between the two of them and anyone else.

“So how would you do it?” you’re asking. “How would


you get involved with a guy like this?” The answer is,
unless you want to make adjustments in your life to
accommodate his, you don’t.

Frequently, in situations like these, in order to get


involved, one person may feel like they have to
forcefully establish their own place in the other
person’s life; an action which ultimately destroys the
functional life that preexisted for that person.
Everyone wants to be involved with someone else, but
it all has to be copasetic. If it isn’t, then somebody’s
life breaks and someone gets hurt.

You may think to yourself, “Will talking about these


differences in advance help me avoid heartbreak?”
Yes, but know this, a guy will tell you the way he likes
to live in the beginning of the relationship and then he
considers the matter settled. He will not remind you
of how he is or what he likes, he will simply expect you
to remember what he has already said and to function
with it or around it. So you might want to take notes
during early discussions with a new lover for future
reference.

The thing is, when you’re in the wrong relationship,


you have to be big enough to leave that relationship
even if you have great chemistry, so that each of you
can meet someone who is more compatible for you.
Damn that chemistry and bring on the chocolate!
This is why it is a good idea to take things slowly when
you get involved with another person. Learn what
comprises their life and look honestly at your own life
to see if the two of you are compatible in the day to
day world outside of the bedroom and your great
chemistry. If you’re not compatible in your daily lives
and you still want to make the effort to be together,
then realize that to do so requires a lot of respect for
the other person and continuous compromise so that
everyone ends up healthy and happy within the
relationship. It won’t work if only one person gets
their way all the time. Remember, just like when you
were kids, if you play rough and selfishly, someone
always gets hurt.

One final thought, if you're a middle aged woman


trying to date men your own age, all I can say is good
luck and I feel for you. Middle age dating in the midst
of a man’s midlife crisis sucks. There's just no other
way to put it. During this age our female emotions
amp up in favor of relationships, while male minds
close themselves off to anything age appropriate.
Dating was so much easier when we were all young
and had better bodies, while dating in our 40s
becomes a test of our resolve to find happiness. So my
advice to you is this, date up or date down. Date
someone 36 or younger or 55 or older. Men in these
age brackets are terrific companions and are ready to
be loved. “You’ve come a long way baby!” and you still
deserve the best. So go out and get it!
LIVE AND LET DIE
12

This chapter is for the woman who is living single.


Or, maybe you’re involved and you daydream about
what could have been had you chosen a different guy.
Whether you’re making up, breaking up, or just
reminiscing, the thoughts “Absence makes the heart
grow fonder.” or he could’ve been the one, keep
coming to mind when I think about the next
predicaments we women find ourselves in with men.

Let’s start by talking about absence and fondness. It’s


true what they say. Absence does make a heart grow
fonder. When a guy makes himself scarce or
unavailable a woman loves him more. Say you’re angry
at your guy, so he does the typical guy thing when
someone is angry with him, he leaves. He makes
himself scarce. He doesn’t write, doesn’t call and he
does this for a week or longer. At first, you’re really
pissed off at him. You plan how you’ll give him hell.
You plan how your anger will affect his future choices.
You might be mad for most of the first week.
However, by the second week, you’re bartering with
yourself. “Well,” you say, “I’m still mad, but I won’t rip
his head off if he calls.” Instead, you’ll just tell him
how mad you are. You’ll sit down and the two of you
will have a discussion on his actions and your anger.
But, if he doesn’t call the second week, you might be
starting to wonder if the two of you are still going out.
So by the time he does call you – at the end of the
second week or maybe into the third week, you’re no
longer angry. Now he’s denied you the pleasure of his
company for so long that you miss him. Your anger is
dropped by the wayside in lieu of the fear that you
might not ever see him again.

He has resolved your problem. Not with discussion or


action, but with control. He controlled your desire by
denying you what you wanted for long enough that it
frightened you into thinking you might never get it
again. When you had the opportunity to get it again
you were happier to get what you wanted more than
angry at being denied it, so you stopped being angry
and he never had to discuss the issue which made you
angry in the first place.

Welcome to the way men play the game of avoidance,


otherwise known as emotional abandonment.

Once deployed, it’s possible that this pattern of


behavior could repeat itself for the duration of your
relationship. In fact, it is so successful in helping men
avoid confrontation that it should be patented.

Here’s a situation; you were with a guy you really liked,


but he constantly made decisions which damaged you
as an individual or damaged the two of you as a
couple. He didn’t want to work on resolving his issues,
so you broke up. Now you’re two months down the
road and he’s showing up at your doorstep telling you
he misses you and still loves you. Since you broke up
he says he has traveled in order to sort things out for
himself. Since men rarely sort things out unless they
are put on the spot and since travel in general is an
escape; the words he’s uttering might seem insincere,
but he looks great and you see his earnest expression
so you forget about how wrong things were with him
and you get back together.

Cut to three months later and you’re pissed off again


because you realize he hasn’t sorted anything out.
He’s still the same jerk who does the same things that
broke you up in the first place. Only now, instead of
thinking, he’s just a jerk – NEXT! You’re thinking, “I
loved him, so I set him free and he came back, so he
must be mine because he came back and we got back
together and I never do this with anyone, so he just
might be THE ONE. This could be true love!”

WRONG!!!
He’s not your true love, he’s still the same guy you had
problems with, he just stayed away long enough for
you to forget that fact. The only way a situation can
change during a breakup, is if during the separation,
both parties work their butts off to get to a new level
of understanding and respect for each other, so that
they can behave differently when they try again. Just
going away to do your own thing and letting your mind
wander over the situation occasionally is not enough
to change the outcome if the two of you get back
together. Absence may make the heart grow fonder,
but it doesn’t guarantee change to any issues. Unless
you work on things, your issues will remain despite the
separation.

In my own experience, I had a guy who would leave


and then come back and say, “I realize what my
problem is.” Then he would state his realization. So I
would say, “… and what are you going to do
differently?” And he would say, “Well, the first step in
resolving a problem is to recognize it, right?” And I
would agree and we would get back together and he
would stay stuck on that first step for the next three
months until I realized that he intended to do nothing
about his problem. He just did what it would take to
get past my anger and back in the door to me. Ladies,
there are a lot of tricks that men use to get back into
your good graces. Learn to discern between the tricks
and the truth. The truth is what you can see, the trick
is what you hear and want to believe, but never see.

Now let’s talk about what could have been. This is the
story of the guy you think about years after you had a
chance to have a relationship with him and didn’t. You
know the guy, the one from high school who used to
write you poems once in awhile and at the time you
and your friends laughed at him and thought it was
sort of creepy, the way he watched you. And you
thought that maybe he was a little bit of a stalker for
loving you when you weren’t involved with him. But
now, ten years later, after you’ve dated Mr. Used Me or
Mr. Abused Me or Mr. Spent All My Money or Mr.
Emotionally Unavailable you remember the creepy guy
from high school and you think, “He was kind of cute
and he was very sensitive. He was the kind of guy who
would remember my birthday so that he could send me
a card, probably with a poem written inside of it.”
Suddenly, all of the creepy things he used to do that
you used to put distance between you and him are
things you’ve twisted into character assets. From ten
years down the road he’s looking like a great guy now.

Let me be blunt here…STOP!!!


If he creeped you out the first time, then it’s because
he was and probably still is, creepy. Respect your gut
instincts and remember that the internal qualities in
men do not change over the years, they only increase
in intensity and the men who encompass these creepy
qualities only become more adept at hiding them. It’s
kind of like a spider with a web. A creepy guy builds a
nice web to lure you in and you enter and he traps you
and kills your spirit. The only attributes that really
ever change on a man are pimples, hair, muscles and
braces.

The Universe loves you. Ten years ago in high school,


the Universe said, “Oh no! That is not the right man
for her.” So it moved him away from you and you away
from him. The Universe was right and you are wrong
to pursue a relationship which if it was TRULY meant
to be, would have happened ten years ago and you
would be involved with that guy right now!

Coulda, woulda, shoulda – it didn’t happen, so move


on. Move forward, not backwards in your life. There
are six billion people on this Earth; the odds are you
will find a new guy to get involved with.

Instead of staying put or starting something new, you


may find yourself trying to leave a relationship. If you
are involved with someone and need to end it, then
here are a few thoughts you may want to employ for
yourself. Have you ever noticed how resilient guys are
when they break up with a girl? That’s because when a
guy breaks up with a girl, he pushes all thoughts of her
from his mind, replacing those thoughts with an
activity that doesn’t remind him of the girl. While
when women break up, we take advantage of every
opportunity that we can find to think poignantly of our
lost love. We go to the places “we used to go to” and
sigh deeply once we get there. We make our signature
food dish and then freeze those sad leftovers, just in
case he shows up hungry. I knew a woman one time
that cried every time she was given ice in her drink
because her husband of 20 years who had divorced
her, used to like ice in his drinks and a drink with ice
was a painful reminder of him. So she would drink her
beverages warm. Instead of pushing thoughts of our
long gone loves out of our minds, we let those
thoughts stray in and dominate our personal choices
even while they deny us happiness. Like, “I can’t wear
that dress ever again; it was his favorite on me.” When
meanwhile, before him, it was YOUR favorite on you
too!

Borrow the strategies men use and stop thinking of


him after you break up. It’s not easy, but it does make
breaking up less painful. Literally, when a thought of
him enters your mind, PUSH IT OUT and replace it with
another happier thought about yourself. This requires
a conscious effort. One you will have to make for
about a year, because as we learned earlier, it takes
about that long to CHANGE YOUR MIND in order to
permanently stop thinking of him as an integral part of
your daily life.

I know it will be hard, take it from someone who used


to wake up thinking that my boyfriend had gotten up
to get a drink of water because I couldn’t feel his leg
next to mine in my sleep. I would have to remind
myself that he was gone because we had broken up
and then there would be no more sleep, only painful
memories of him for the rest of the night.

It sucks to break up.


But here’s another thing you can do to make it less
painful. If you’re like me, when you get into a
relationship, you let your guy in 110 percent. You not
only let him into your life in the everyday areas, but
you start sharing the secret aspects of who you are
with him as well. You may find yourself taking him to
the special places that you go to, or reading the best
parts of your beloved books to him, or burning him
copies of all of your favorite songs, or even watching
the movies you have seen at least a hundred times over
again with him so that you can point out all the parts
to him that have special meaning to you. It may be
that you have moved your stuff into two of your
bureau drawers so that there would be space for his
stuff too. Or maybe you bought a cup to hold the
toothbrushes and dental picks instead of just shoving
yours in the drawer like you used to.

So when you break up, you think, I will never be able


to… read that book again, or watch that movie again
or listen to that song or even brush my teeth without
thinking of him and how we failed. True, unless you
change things around. Really change things around.
Move your furniture, move your bed. Buy new sheets
or blankets. Throw out the toothbrush cup, find new
movies, music or books to love. Find a new special
place to enjoy or take a class and learn something new
about yourself that HE DOESN’T KNOW.
The key here is reinventing yourself so that when he
does think of you and eventually, he will, he thinks of a
“you” that is history. Now it’s him that’s stuck in the
past, while you regain the upper hand in your own life
by creating a new wonderful you and a new wonderful
life for yourself that he is oblivious of. Does he smugly
think he knows where you will curl up to read that
book that you told him you always read after you break
up with someone? Then comfort yourself by changing
what you do after a breakup. If you read after the last
breakup, then for this breakup, take a cruise! Or take a
cooking class or a language class. Cut your hair, color
your hair, buy a flaming red lipstick, paint your toenails
blue, get a tan, buy a silver jacket, just do whatever it
takes to make your life new after his departure instead
of allowing your life to remain the same, with his
empty imprint on every place and item you look at.

Change your future memories and then whatever you


think he’s holding onto will be incorrect and he won’t
have any further influence (even in his absence) over
the new, delightful you.

You belong to yourself.


Just because you’ve shared parts of yourself doesn’t
mean you’ve lost them forever to someone else.
Sometimes we get so involved that we think we can’t
be ourselves without this other person. Take back
who you are and if who you are is too much of a
reminder of what you wanted with someone else, then
change who you are into someone who wants
something and someone new. Change your life so that
you can move away from painful memories and move
forward with who you are happy being, YOU.
CHERRY BOMB
13

Outside of sex there is one other way you can be


unforgettable to your man. And that is to be crazy.
Nuts. Unbalanced. An emotional wreck. Despite all
the conversations in the world that men will have with
their friends about how they hate to deal with “crazy,”
when crazy comes along and a man has the
opportunity to rescue a girl or a woman from herself,
he’s all over it like paper covers rock.

I don’t know why. Maybe because he likes the idea of


being a hero? Maybe because it lends him power that
he doesn’t otherwise feel he has? Maybe he just hates
to see a woman in pain and feels a compulsion to
change her pain to joy? Maybe he’s codependent?
Maybe his Mother was crazy and the crazy girl he’s
with is more like his Mom than you are with your
rational behavior and sanity. Or maybe she’s just really
really cute with a knock out body.

Whatever the case, I have seen it time and again.


Some great guy inexplicably stays with a girl who is
certifiable. She runs rampant, is disloyal, uses him and
hurts his feelings or maybe she just generally acts
irrational, but because he thinks that she needs him,
he is unfailingly loyal to her. In fact, he loves her. Of
course not the crazy, unreasonable, mean sides to her,
but the side that has potential. The side of her that he
thinks can be redeemed into a loving adult. He may be
right. Who really knows besides the crazy girl herself.
But in the meantime, she’s just destructively nuts and
he’s never going to leave her. No matter what.

However, she will eventually lose interest in the


relationship and will leave him, effectively breaking his
well worn spirit and rendering him loveless to other
women. That outcome should give you a small
comfort.

So, the upside is that if you’re crazy and willing to stick


around, then you can have your man. The downside to
this is that if you’re crazy, you probably don’t realize it,
so who cares?
COMMUNICATION
BREAKDOWN
14

A book on men would be incomplete without a chapter


on how men define fighting with women. If a man says
something and you respond with a tone that sounds
like you don't approve of what he told you, he
considers that conversation a fight. If you end up in a
conversation where he states his opinion and you state
your opinion and they aren’t the same, he considers
that conversation a fight; even if the tone of your voice
was calm and reserved. If you say something he has
heard before that he doesn't like to hear and he is
silent and you say it again with even a hint of
frustration, he considers that a fight. If he says
something to you and you are silent in response, he
considers that a fight. If you bring up a topic and he
changes the subject and you bring up the topic again,
he considers that a fight. If your guy declares his
feelings on a topic and you challenge the validity of his
feelings, even in a teasing manner just so that you can
hear his thoughts again, he will think that’s the start of
a fight. In fact, if a man is uncomfortable on any level
at all with a discussion, he will consider that discussion
a fight. And if any of these situations happen more
than once in a month between you, he will also believe
that along with fighting, the two of you just don’t
really get along.
The consequences of discussing a topic that a man
thinks you "fight" over are this - he will not speak
openly with you on that topic again. This doesn't
mean you can't ask him questions about the topic, you
can and he will answer them. But he will never again
volunteer information to you on a subject that he has
determined he will not receive your full support on.
And he will state that his resistance to being open with
you is due to the fact that the two of you "fight."

I'm here to tell you. If, in a conversation, you


vehemently convey your own opinion, speak firmly,
debate, mildly argue, bicker, reiterate your point or
express frustration, your man will classify
communication between the two of you as "We fight
and we don't get along."

Debate, argue, bicker or reiterate too often with your


man, and he will determine that the two of you "never
get along" and eventually he will look elsewhere for
amiable female conversation.

Will he find it? Temporarily maybe, or if she's a really


good listener he might enjoy conversation with her for
a bit longer, but if the other woman thinks for herself
or speaks out in support of her own thoughts,
eventually he will determine that the two of them
"…don't really get along either." and he will either
return to you or he'll wander off in search of yet
another woman to talk to.

The thing is, men like to talk with women. They just
like the conversation to be one where the man says
something interesting and the woman agrees with him
without having an opinion of her own. Well, other
than the opinion that she thinks that what he said was
interesting.

So, if you're like me, then you're probably asking


yourself, “If not agreeing with my man is considered a
fight even if I don’t get mad, then what is all that other
stuff called where I really do get mad and occasionally
yell?”

Are you ready? In his world, if you get emotional, yell,


scream, curse, freak out or slam pots and pans around,
he thinks you are crazy. Loony. Nuts. On the brink of
needing medication or hospitalization.

I know. It boggles the mind.

Right about now you probably want to scream,

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER?!!

We discussed everything when we were dating. When


I had an opinion he used to agree with me. He told me
he loved my strong will and determined spirit. We
used to debate over which place to order pizza from.
When we couldn’t agree, we would both laugh. He
told me that he's never gotten along with anyone the
way he gets along with me. He proposed, I accepted
and now we’re married and I’m still who I was when
we dated, but he acts withdrawn when I try to talk to
him.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

First of all, he’s withdrawn because he’s afraid of


getting into a “fight” with you. With so many
definitions of what constitutes a “fight,” it’s no wonder
men are mostly silent around the women they love.
They literally think that anything they say is going to
lead to a fight because they believe there are so many
ways to get into a fight with a woman.

What happened was this. When you’re dating your


man, you say, “I don’t like cooking.” And he says,
“Great, neither do I.” But what he’s really thinking is,
“Can we have sex now?” Then you say, “I will never
want to be the perfect housewife.” And he says,
“That’s ok, I love you just the way you are and I love
that you’re so confident about what you want.” But
what he’s really thinking is, “Can we have sex now?”
So you end up married and for the fifth time he asks,
“Why don’t you cook dinner like my friend’s wife
does?” And you respond with, “You knew when you
married me that I would never cook dinner. I told you
that and you said that was fine. What has changed?”
You sound angry when you say it. And he doesn’t
respond. He’s silent. But what he’s really thinking is,
“Why can’t we get along?”

I know, once again, it boggles the mind.

The thing is; men are simple and somewhat


hypocritical. They know that they have certain needs
and they fill those needs with you. They don’t want to
change how they do things in order to make you
happy, they just want their needs met. So they may
ask you the same question many times and expect that
each time they ask, you will respond to them with
patience and love. But, if you ask them a question
more than once, be prepared; your man will think
you’re trying to start an argument.
Let’s face it, the way we women question our men
when they’ve done something to tick us off is different
than questions rooted in negotiation. To a man,
questions like, “What made you do that? When are
you going to do that?” and “Why do you think like
that?” sound accusatory and they are. They are
actually more accusation than question, designed to
put your man in a spot where he’s going to have to
work on his defense in order to get back into your
good graces.

Another thing these questions do is to force your man


to take partial responsibility for your happiness. Tell
the truth…. When you question your man like this
what you are really trying to say is, “I’m unhappy and
it’s because of you!” and “I want you to make me
happy, so tell me why you made me unhappy!” This
type of blameful questioning makes everyone feel bad
and feel cornered.

It is explained throughout this book that YOU have to


be responsible for your own happiness. As weighty as
that responsibility is, it never stops. It is your
responsibility 24/7 to learn how to make choices that
will make you happy.

I know you want to understand your man and to be


understood by your man, but understand this:

When a man wants to understand something, barring


any afflictions, he will understand it. And if a man
doesn’t want to understand something, then no matter
how much effort you make so that he can understand,
he won’t understand.
Some insight on what’s expected of you by your man in
conversation is exemplified by how men behave
around each other. Men do not disagree with each
other. They may not agree, but they don't openly
disagree.

How many times has your husband, boyfriend or friend


said to you, “I really don't like that guy.” Surprised,
you responded with, “I had no idea. You don't act like
you don't like him. You're nice to him.” That's how
guys behave towards each other. They don't debate,
argue, bicker or reiterate with each other. They may
get frustrated later - in private, but they don't openly
express this. They rarely say what they really think
most of the time. Instead, men just “do.” They try to
involve each other in an activity and if one of them
doesn't want to do it, that person doesn't do it and the
rest of them determine that the one that didn't join in,
doesn't like that activity. So, he gets his point across
by not participating and he doesn’t have to use words
or an attitude. Men rarely say they don't like
something, they just don't do it and by not doing it,
the other men around them understand that they don't
like it.

When a man wants to do something, he does it.


If he doesn’t want to do something, he doesn’t do it.

Here’s an example. When a guy wants to use red on a


project and says he is using red to his friend, his friend
may respond with, “Red’s ok.” What his friend is really
thinking is, “I would never use red for that, I would use
blue.” But he won’t state his opinion out loud.
Because to say it out loud would seem like he’s
provoking an argument. Say a guy wants to go
somewhere and he asks another guy to go with him; if
the guy doesn’t want to go, he’ll say, “I might be busy
then, let me get back to you.” What he’s really
thinking is, “I don’t want to go there. I’m not going.”
But to say what he really thinks would seem like he’s
provoking an argument. Men know that if you provoke
enough arguments, even other men won’t want to be
your friend!

So now you're asking yourself, what do I do? I can't


change the way I am, I disagree with things that he
does. He pisses me off with his behavior. I've read all
the other self help books. I'm supposed to stand up
for myself, call him out when he acts unfairly. I'm not
supposed to stuff my feelings inside; that's unhealthy.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Let me start by saying that you're right. You are


exactly the way you're supposed to be. You’ve got the
right blend of conscience, morality, responsibility,
compassion, fairness and love. You shouldn’t have to
change who you are, because you have evolved into
who you are through a process of experiences. Very
important, invaluable experiences. But, if you want to
stay on what your man determines are good terms,
then you need to change how you express yourself
when you respond to him.

Certainly, he does stupid things and he pisses you off.


But before you throw a fit which he will determine is
"You acting crazy," think. Think about how you can
adjust to the situation, or how you can express your
emotion in a proactive way - with an action that might
offset experiencing this same situation another time.
Or really just think of the person you are involved with.
If you’re married, try to remind yourself of all the
reasons you married him. Place those reasons in a
more important place - higher up on your emotional
list - than the spot which currently holds your anger. If
you make your anger more important than your love,
then what you're really conveying to your man is that
you are more important than he is. And while we've all
heard the lectures on taking care of yourself first, we
know, to use actions or words to say to another person
that my feelings are more important than yours, will
hurt them. Hurt the people you love frequently
enough and love stops being a good enough reason for
them to stay with you.

Be honest with yourself, is your man a stranger to you?


Can you really say that you didn’t know he would do
the things he does which aggravate you? If you are
experiencing hurt from your man for the first time, I
am sorry that you were hurt. But now, you are
empowered. Now you know what he will say or do
and you can choose not to be in this position again.
That’s not to say a trying situation won’t sneak up on
you while you’re busy paying attention to another
responsibility; it might. But for the most part, now
that you know how your man makes choices, you can
work in conjunction with his choices or you can work
around his choices so that you can remain happy.

I have to say as well, that if you are only dating


someone and he makes choices that you don't agree
with and you continually find yourself expressing anger
or frustration to him over his choices, you may want to
rethink your future involvement with him. Or at the
very least, consider marrying someone else.

Truthfully, in order for confrontation to be effective


and not destructive, it should only be used when you
feel everyone involved in a situation needs to stop
hedging and come clean about their feelings. If you
utilize confrontation every time something happens
that isn’t to your liking, then you will end up with a
man who retreats from you emotionally and will
eventually retreat from you physically.

I know this is blunt. But the truth is what it is.


However your guy is, that's how he will be in a
marriage with you. Period. He will not change. I
mean it. Look at him. If you can't learn to love all the
pissy, unreasonable behaviors now, then don't marry
him, because those behaviors don't change after
marriage. Never. Not ever. If you decide to marry him
anyway and you end up bickering with him, he will at
some point leave you. He may still pay the bills and
sleep in your bed, but he will be absent emotionally.

Because, to a man, having a good relationship means…

NEVER HAVING OPPOSING OPINIONS.

Never. The two of you can behave differently. You


can do different things. But if you discuss your
differences, it will be interpreted as an argument. And
if you debate those differences, he will determine that
the two of you don't get along. And if you ever raise
your voice and yell or God forbid, scream, he will think
that now you have lost your mind and are crazy.
But don’t let that worry you, because as we learned in
Chapter 13, if you’re crazy, he’ll slip into codependency
mode and will love you forever. So you see it can all
work out favorably, however you choose to be.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DISCLAIMER: There is a difference between the


ridiculous way men perceive a lack of communication
with women and verbal or emotional abuse. If you find
yourself in a situation where in order to “get along”
with your man, you have to reject part of yourself, then
you are with the wrong man.

You should also never tolerate anyone who says things


to you that belittle you or degrade your feelings. No
one should curse at you, refer to you in derogatory
terms, verbally assault you or blame you for any
deterioration in communication that was caused by
abuse. This is abusive.

Several of the chapters in this book are meant to


lightheartedly define circumstances between men and
women that unnecessarily cause conflict. But in all
circumstances, abuse is serious and should never be
tolerated. I don’t know you, but I love you. Please
love yourself more and leave an abusive man behind.
PAINT IT BLACK
15

Here’s a short thought. When you offer men


instruction or unsolicited advice, they feel criticized.
Men may act like they want to hear what you have to
say. But really, they are just spot checking their own
instincts. They are listening to you to see if what you
say is the same as what they already think. If it’s not,
they may ask you a question or two to clarify their own
renewed knowledge, but don’t get carried away with
your answer. If you go off on a tangent and start
lecturing them about the ways and means they seem to
lack in their own lives, they will feel like you are
criticizing them for not being smart enough. You may
know more, and they may know you know more, but
that’s what they’ll think. This is hard instruction for
most women to follow because historically women
have not been listened to by men. That’s why, when
we are given an opportunity to impart our knowledge
to a man, we are tempted to take the lead and go!

Instead, when providing a solution to a man, it’s


important that you place the solution where he can
find it. Men are traditionally hunters and gatherers, so
letting him discover the solution for himself will be
rewarding to him. He doesn’t have to know that you
placed it there. So don’t tell him how to do something
if you can put the solution out there for him to find.
Understand that your choices for a successful outcome
are to plant the solution where he will find it, to let
him continue to screw up until he learns from his own
mistakes or to just let it all go and move on.
I was watching The Departed with my Irish boyfriend
when we got to that scene where the psychotherapist
discusses the fact that Irish men “...are impervious to
being psychoanalyzed.” and that’s why it’s impossible
to successfully resolve the issues Irish men may have. I
turned to my boyfriend and said, “So that’s what your
problem is.” To which he responded, “It’s not my
problem.” And he was right. I was the one who
needed things to be done differently. In his world,
everything he did was just fine and he didn’t see the
need to change things.

Right now you’re probably wondering what the


difference is between telling a man how to solve a
problem and telling him what to do in bed. Well,
here’s the difference. During sex, there’s a means to
an end that a man can’t get to without you telling him
how to get there. He relies on you in order to have
great sex, because if you’re not there, he’s just
masturbating. And if he doesn’t respect your requests
regarding your body, he shouldn’t get to have sex with
you at all. Since he wants to have sex with you, he’ll
listen to what you say. Plus, listening to your
instruction on how to give you an orgasm is beneficial
to his future happiness during sex. So in bed, he
listens. But out of bed, he doesn’t need your help to
get lost or found. He can do that all by himself. So
when you say something like, “I think we should have
taken Exit 37 to get over the mountain instead of
taking this back road.” He will feel criticized, because
he could have figured that out for himself; after he’d
driven another 20 miles in the wrong direction. And
after the two of you fight over your criticism of his
sense of direction, you’ll know that the next time he
gets lost, you should casually drop the map into his lap
as you lean over to kiss his cheek and tell him what a
great driver he is.

One more thought is that men and their egos are


something women have to contend with. I’m not
entirely sure how to navigate all of the twists in a
man’s ego, but since knowledge is power, you should
know that if at any time in your man's life he has ever
received attention because he is or was talented at
something; if he ever achieved any notoriety for being
a hero, a leader, an innovator or if he was ever
considered supermodel pretty, then he will forever
think of himself as someone who deserves the best
because he still IS the best.

Note: I said IS, not WAS. A man’s ego has no


expiration date.

Because even if your man is now bald, hairy,


overweight, paunchy, lazy, ignorant, ridiculous or
completely dependent on you for every penny in his
pocket, somewhere deep inside of himself where you
can’t get to it to change his way of thinking, he still
thinks of himself as the best looking, most talented,
greatest guy in the world and he thinks that you
should consider yourself damn lucky to be allowed to
be around him, near him or with him.

I am not kidding.

So, when you turn to your man and say something like,
"I don't understand why you think you’re above putting
out the trash, changing diapers or cleaning the
bathroom." He will think, "What the hell is she talking
about? I’m a ROCKSTAR!" even though the truth may
be that he only used to sell out local clubs during a six
month period at some point way back in the 80s when
he had hair down to his ass, weighed slightly more
than a dime and had sex appeal oozing from every
pore of his being.

Because of his delusion, you may even start to think


that he is completely detached from reality. He may
be, but there is little you can do about it beyond
recognizing that this way of thinking is how your man
maintains his self esteem and he needs to nurture his
inflated sense of ego in order to get up and get moving
each day to go to the job that isn’t his dream job in
order to provide for his family. In reality, since his
daily life is nothing compared to the life he dreamed
he would have, your day job becomes living as an
emotional tribute to the man he once was so that he
can be the great lover, Father, Husband, provider,
companion or best friend he wants to be in your lives
together now. Or... in different words, you can see
that this is a flaw in your man, but as his partner, your
job is to love him anyway. So get on it.

The secret truth is this... your man really knows what’s


up or rather what’s changed about himself and his life.
But, because he wants you to think he’s amazing for as
long as he lives, he has to think he’s amazing too.
Your man may never say this to you, but he thinks
you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him and
he wouldn’t be the greatest guy in the world without
you. So go ahead, bang your head and then rock his
world with compassion and the understanding that
alongside being his wife or girlfriend, he also needs
you to be his biggest fan.
YOUR CHEATIN’ HEART
16

Because the topic of men and cheating has been


beaten into the ground with discussion and literature,
you would think that everything that can be said has
been said... too many times. I agree it has, but why is
it that when a woman finds out that her man has been
cheating, the first question she asks is “Why? Why did
he cheat on me?” Ironically, the “other woman” never
asks why a man cheats with her, but that’s beside the
point.

A recent study stated that there are 237 good reasons


to have sex. I personally like having sex because I
don’t like having to maintain my gym membership. In
a review of the study, a reporter stated that the same
study also lists a number of reasons why people are
unfaithful. Not 237 reasons, but a number that was
purported to give 237 a run for its money. So why do
men cheat? I can’t say for sure, but these are the
reasons that I’ve learned about personally.

Men cheat because they can. But I shouldn’t eat the


rest of the Oreos for the same reason??
Men cheat because they desire a woman that isn’t their
wife or girlfriend. Oh, ok. But it isn’t enough to watch
a Salma Hayek movie and masturbate?
Men cheat to see if they can get away with being
“bad.” Does this version of being “bad” lead to
spanking or corporal punishment?
Men cheat because they needed sex to feel like a man
and their woman wasn’t available to give it to them.
What? Is this for real?
Men cheat because they think about sex a lot in a day
and the ratio of thinking about sex during a day to
actually doing it is like 99 to 1 so they don’t feel like
cheating is such a bad thing, when they’ve resisted
their urges 98 other times. There is something
backwards about rewarding a guy with the wrong thing
because he did the right thing all the other times he
had the opportunity to do the wrong thing.
Men cheat because their Father cheated and a Father’s
behavioral example becomes the behavior of his son.
True.
Men cheat because they have emotional needs that
aren’t being met by their wife or girlfriend. How a
physical act can satisfy an emotional need is a
debatable comparison, but maybe it’s similar to the
way we women buy shoes or eat chocolate when
something is upsetting us.
Men cheat because they want validation that they are
still attractive to the opposite sex. Hello, I am the
opposite sex!
Men cheat because they want more sex than they are
getting at home. Now that’s just greedy.
Men cheat because they were too high or too drunk to
say “No.” when the situation presented itself. Can you
say AA?
Men cheat because they’re afraid to commit to one
woman and they want a second woman who will make
them feel better should things go to hell with the first
woman. Well that reason just defines its own result
doesn’t it?
Men cheat because they are afraid of losing their
virility so they use it as much as they can, wherever
they can, with whomever they can. Are you men or
dogs? Wait, we already covered that.
Men cheat because they think they can get better than
you; better looking, a better attitude, a woman with a
more prestigious job, more money, better sex and a
better life. Ouch. That’s gonna leave a mark.
Men cheat because their friends think it’s cool. I think
they should get new friends.
Men cheat because they have low self esteem. Exactly
how does doing something that hurts another help
your self-esteem?
Men cheat because they are afraid their wife is going
to leave them anyway. Way to use the power of
positive thinking guys.
Men cheat because they’re greedy. Word.
Men cheat because they want revenge on a cheating
partner. As long as that revenge doesn’t include HIV,
herpes or syphilis.
Men cheat because they “Aren’t getting along.” with
their partner. Ummmm... maybe because they cheat?
Men cheat because it makes them feel alive. Is this like
cheating death? But what if they get caught cheating?
How will they cheat death then?
The truth is that the only person who can answer
“Why?” your man cheats is your man himself. I do
know this much. If a man cheats on you once, he will
cheat on you again. Another thing I know is that if you
got involved with your man while he was cheating on
another woman, then he’ll leave you the same way. I
don’t care what he says to you in private. Prepare for
the inevitable outcome by stocking up with an
abundance of Kleenex, a bottle of tequila and a few
good friends who’ll get you back out of the house.
What goes around comes around.

The one thing men definitely don’t do while they’re


cheating is to think of the feelings of either the woman
they are cheating on or the one they are cheating with.
I know this because I’ve been in both situations. I’ve
been cheated on and I’ve been cheated with and the
guy never had a good enough reason either way. He
only told me that he wasn’t thinking of anything except
what he wanted to do for himself at the time. And I
believe it.

Unfortunately, cheating doesn’t require a lot of time or


effort. One guy cheated on me in the 4 minutes I was
in the shower before he got in, in the mornings. That
would be when he would call to make a date with his
other girlfriend. One guy was able to cheat on me
because he kept me at a distance from his apartment.
He had his relationship with me at my place and his
relationships with other women at his. One guy I knew
had an irregular work schedule so his wife wasn’t able
to tell when he was cheating. Another guy told me
that his wife had given him permission to cheat and yet
another told me he and his wife had an open marriage.
(It’s funny how a man’s definition of an open marriage
usually means that the husband can pursue all the
extracurricular sex he wants, but if the wife has sex,
her husband freaks out.) Even a guy I knew who had
the most amazing girlfriend would still cheat with
someone else during his lunch hour.

I can say with all confidence that you’ll never know for
sure if you’re being cheated on until you catch your
guy cheating. You can presume, you can piece
together the evidence or live in a perpetual state of
suspicion, but it’s not until you actually catch him that
you know for sure. Not every guy cheats, but every
guy who cheats rarely stops and if they’re cheating
with you, they are without question also cheating on
you with someone else.

I think the question that’s bigger than IF your guy is


cheating, is what is in your personality that would
attract a guy who cheats to cheat with you or to cheat
on you? It’s been said that people who are similar
have this uncanny way of migrating towards each other
and developing relationships. Since not all guys cheat,
then why would you subconsciously gravitate towards
involvement with a cheater? Are you too permissive in
your behavior? Are your boundaries too flexible? Can
your man subconsciously tell that you probably won’t
completely freak out and leave him if he cheats or if
he’s cheating with you? And if you’re with a guy who’s
cheated on you already, why are you still with him?
Can you honestly say you still trust him?

Like I’ve said, we attract people who are how we are.


If I have low self esteem, then I will attract guys who
also have low self esteem. Likewise, I may not
specifically advocate cheating, but maybe I also don’t
outwardly reject the type of behavior which leads to
cheating. Maybe I flirt with married men, or listen
sympathetically when they complain about their wives
or maybe I hang out too frequently with my friend’s
boyfriend; situations which could easily thrust me into
an outcome where someone gets cheated on or where
I’m cheating with someone I shouldn’t be.

Don’t be afraid to determine what you will stand for


and what you won’t. Setting a standard for your life
and determining your definition of commitment well in
advance of being introduced to a prospective Mr.
Right, will help weed out the riff raff. There are right
guys out there. I know. I’ve seen them.
CANDIDATE
17

This is going to be a very brief discourse on


relationships with your guy’s friends, family and pets.
Have you heard the saying, the incumbent stands a
better chance of winning over the rivaling candidate?
Well, in the life of your man, you are the challenging
candidate and his friends, family and pets are the
incumbents. So remember these words as you enter
his world and proceed with caution so that you don’t
end up blindsided by your own best intentions.

Aside from most men’s bathrooms being biohazardous


zones where you need to watch out for yourself, the
next most explosive areas in his life are his other
relationships. Since you are a delightful woman, you
will want to get along with and be loved by all of his
friends, by his family, by his ex girlfriend slash current
confidante slash in-house critic of all new things female
and most importantly by his dog, cat, rat, baby
alligator, tarantula or iguana. Good luck, because the
odds are that out of that list, someone in his life will
not like you.

Let me tell you about a boy I tried to love, who loved


his iguana more than me. He slept with her. That is
until I came along and made the rule about no iguanas
sleeping in the bed while I was there. That rule didn’t
last long because it was his house and his rules, so I
found myself not sleeping much when I was there
because I was too busy giving his beloved iguana the
mad dog eye so she wouldn’t bite me in the middle of
the night. She didn’t care, she knew that even without
a vagina, she was the incumbent and my time with her
man was rapidly ticking away. She was right. We
didn’t last long, especially after he started insisting
upon kissing her goodnight BEFORE he kissed me
goodnight. She was the incumbent and as far as I
know, she still is. Obviously, the challenger lost.

Another tale of woe involves a friend of mine who had


a tarantula as a pet. Coincidentally he also had a
girlfriend, whom he claimed to love. Until the day his
girlfriend accidentally sat on his tarantula. Before you
freak out, she didn’t squish it, but she did scare it
badly enough that it lost all of its hair and was bald for
a very long time. I bet you didn’t know tarantulas did
that when they get frightened. Looking at his fragile
spider every day without hair was a constant, painful,
bald reminder to her boyfriend that she had sat on his
dearly loved pet. It wasn’t long before he broke up
with that girlfriend and got himself a new girlfriend. A
girlfriend who didn’t sit on his pets and who would
stay at his house to take care of his pets while he
traveled. This is where the old girlfriend got her
revenge. She went over to his house while he was
away and seduced the new girlfriend, convincing the
new girl to leave him and move in with her. So he lost
both girls, but he still had his pets. In all events, the
incumbents won.

The way it works is like this. If someone who exists in


your guy’s life before he started seeing you, doesn’t
like you; like his Mom, or his friends, or even his dog;
it doesn’t matter how much he says he loves you, he
won’t get rid of any of his incumbents so that you can
be with him hassle free. Don’t worry; he probably
won’t get rid of you either. But he will keep you
separate from anyone who doesn’t approve of you or
like you. So while you may get to visit his life, you will
never be a part of his friendships if his friends don’t
like you. Or, you will never eat Sunday dinner with his
family, if his Mom doesn’t like you and if you don’t get
along with the dog, the dog will still get the run of the
house, while your guy will make you as comfortable as
possible in his bedroom. A place where for him, the
magic happens, but where you will start to feel like
you’re sixteen and grounded again.

After reading this you may be thinking that the


solution is to befriend his friends, family or pets and
then your guy will love you forever. It might happen
like that. Or, it might happen like this:

You are in a relationship and it may not be the best


relationship in the world. But it’s a new relationship,
so you’re all caught up in the newness of it and can’t
yet see how the two of you are really not meant to be.
That’s ok. That’s the way it goes with everyone
sometimes. But, you want this to last forever and you
feel pretty confident that if you just stick around long
enough, he will realize that he can fall deeply and
lastingly in love with you. Except that he has an
overbearing and interfering Mom, or he has a mood
swinging, mean ass cat that growls at everything. So
you think to yourself, “How the hell am I going to get
the opportunity to stick around long enough for him to
realize he can’t live without me if these people and
animals seem like they hate everyone that isn’t him
and that list starts with me? I need to make friends
with his crazy cat and interfering Mom and then he’ll
see that the die hards in his life love me, so he will
too.”

Okay… let me tell you a little story about a boy and his
Mom. He loved her and did everything she told him to
do and she loved him and did everything she could for
him. Until he met me. Then he wanted me to do
everything for him and she got jealous. Her way of
getting over her jealousy was to befriend me. Sounds
good doesn’t it? It seemed like a good idea at the time
because I hate drama and competition; so I made nice
with her. All the stories about his life he hadn’t told
me yet, she told me about. All of the habits he had
that she was unaware of, I talked with her about. She
and I would talk for hours on end, every day of the
week and I thought I was really solidifying my place in
his life as his girlfriend, until he found out about my
friendship with his Mom. Then, it all fell apart. He
said I had betrayed him and I had crossed over the line
when I talked with her about his life. He didn’t want
his girlfriend and his Mom being close. He wanted to
be close with each of us, but wanted us to remain
separate. Since she was the incumbent, she won. He
stayed in touch with her. He broke up with me.

The same theory goes for a guy’s pet. If you have a


mediocre relationship with a guy and you think that by
making friends with his pet, he will love you more, he
won’t. He will love that you love his pet, but if he
doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love you and no amount
of external validation from his pets, or his friends or
even his family is going to increase his feelings for you.
He either loves you on his own, or that’s the end of it.
Or, if he loves you all equally, but you don’t get along
with his incumbents, then he’ll keep you around, but
you will be kept separate, segregated from the other
loves in his life until one day he realizes that one of
you has to go in order for him to really have peace,
love and understanding. Guess who that’ll be?

My advice to you is to acquire some incumbents of


your own. Then when you meet Mr. Too Good To Be
True’s incumbents, turn your own posse loose to
mingle with his posse so that the ratio of judgment is
equalized across the board. Then you and your guy
can have some breathing room to determine whether
or not you should get into something more together
and what the choices and loyalties will be for each of
you at that point. Let any friendships with members of
his entourage happen naturally or not at all. Because
really, even though it would be ideal for us all to like
each other, we may not. But it is possible for all of us
to accept and respect each other from a safe distance
surrounded by our own friends.

Look at relationships, business ventures or anything


you challenge yourself to do in the same way film
studios look at movie production. The rule of thumb is
that you can’t have too much preproduction. Meaning,
you can’t prepare too extensively before you make that
leap into a costly investment that will be difficult to
extricate yourself from should it prove to have been a
mistake. Not that true love is ever a mistake.
DON’T WORRY,
BE HAPPY
18

If your simple guy is a good guy he really just wants


one thing from you emotionally: For you to be happy.

Specifically, he wants you to be happy with him and for


you to behave in a happy manner around him so that
he can be happy too.

This is where the old saying,

“Fake it ‘til you make it.”

applies. Learn this phrase, live it, grow to love it.

My Grandmother used to say to me “Smile.” My


response would be sullen and resentful, “I don’t feel
like smiling right now. I’m not happy.” My
Grandmother would then say, “It doesn’t matter if you
want to or not, do it anyway.” I hated that.
Subsequently, I didn’t do it. I didn’t smile. I wasn’t
willing to fake happiness until I found a real reason to
be happy. In my life, if I was happy, I acted happy and
if I wasn’t happy, everyone knew it. As a result, I’ve
had a lot of men say that they wished that I had been
happier with them or they wished that they could have
made me happy. Because they didn’t feel like they did
or that they could, they left the relationship and me,
creating a situation which made me even more
unhappy.
It’s maligned, but here’s the truth. If you behave
unhappily around your man, he will think it’s his fault.
It may be his fault. But he isn’t interested in listening
to why it’s his fault or in changing anything he’s
already doing. Why? Doesn’t he love you? Of course
he does. Remember, men are simple creatures. If
there isn’t a disaster or obvious destruction as a result
of their behavior, then they believe whatever they are
doing must be fine. Better than fine, it must be OK.
The only real way men grow unhappy is when the
woman they love doesn’t seem happy with them.
Basically, as long as things aren’t totally falling apart,
men are happy.

Understand that the best thing you can do for yourself


and for your future with a man is to recognize that
your anger and your resentment towards your man are
the biggest enemies you will face in your relationship.
They will also be the emotions which will preclude
physical and emotional intimacy with your man.

Let’s tell the truth; men really know how to piss


women off and women know how to nurture anger
better than any other species. But anger for a woman
means no sex for her man and no sex for her man
means a break in intimacy for the woman. Which
means that ultimately the relationship will break apart.

Sure, you’ve done the seduction thing and in his head


he associates you with pleasure. But, if you have a bad
attitude, all that means is that he’ll approach you for
breakup sex until he finds another woman who will
behave as if she’s happy with him.

Do you really want that?


Do you really want to be the ½ of the relationship who
holds onto the pain and anger and unrealized desire
for intimacy while he moves on to someone who will
make him happy with her happiness, whether she’s
sincerely happy or not? Of course you don’t.

Remember,

MEN THINK SIMPLY.

They don’t pay attention to the details of how a


woman achieves happiness; they just like to be there
when you are happy. To a man, a relationship is like a
party, they don’t want to plan or discuss the
arrangements; they just want to enjoy the outcome.

So put on your party smile and keep smiling for the


happy results you both desire. And if that isn’t enough
of a reason, then smile because a smile is the best, all
natural facelift you can get for free. ;)
ON A PLAIN
19

This is where this book stops being about what you


can do to create happiness in your life by being
involved with a man and where it discusses how you
absolutely MUST be responsible and in charge of your
own happiness in order to have the good relationships
you want most.

There’s sexual happiness and then there’s emotional


happiness. I won’t go into a long psychological
dissertation on women’s minds and emotions.
However, I will briefly point out a few thoughts on how
to align your mind’s happiness with the desired
happiness for your body.

The first and most important thing I can say on either


is…

TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR


YOUR FEELINGS

whether they are driven by physical or emotional


stimuli.

There’s no argument that the actions of other people


cause us to feel emotions of our own; emotions that
wouldn’t exist if the actions of these other people
didn’t intrude into our lives. This pervasive state
where you feel badly because of someone else’s
actions is termed reactive. I’d like to say these feelings
will pass without effort from you, but it does take
effort from you so that you don’t react, but rather act
on your own behalf until the bad feelings pass.

Know that you are not alone in your reactive response.


A majority of the world’s emotions are expressed in
reaction to the actions of another person. The
minority of the world stands alone in selecting the
emotions they choose to feel despite the actions of
another.

Your job is to own your own feelings. Regardless of


whether they are emotions you have chosen yourself
or feelings that are occurring because of someone else.
Good or bad, they are yours. So, don’t ignore them. If
you are in a relationship with someone who makes you
feel bad and as a result of feeling bad, you behave
negatively in the relationship, the two of you will
create a toxic situation. A situation where all of the
stimuli and response is going to be negative, so as a
result, all of the outcomes are going to be negative as
well. A situation like this will kill your sex life and the
relationship. So you have to choose positively or
negatively, how you want to behave in response to the
duress of certain negative experiences.

Say your husband or boyfriend goes out every Friday


night to a bar with the guys. For whatever your reason
is, this upsets you. You’ve told him it upsets you, he
knows it does. But he still makes the decision to go.
You have three choices here and only two of them will
end well. The first is to get mad. Let him know you’re
mad. Be mad at him. Drive a wedge between the two
of you over this “issue.” It can and will happen if you
get mad and continue to be mad in response to his
choice. Choice one may not serve you well. Choice
number two – look at why he chooses to go to the bar.
Is he really doing it to aggravate you? Or is he doing it
thinking that this is a good choice in his life? At the
bar he’s laughing and bonding with his friends. He’s
getting the healthy socialization that we all need to
maintain emotional balance and it seems like it’s more
important to him to keep this socialization rather than
to end it so that you won’t be angry with him. Think
about it; is he with you the other six days of the week
and is he basically a good guy? Then is it really worth
it to keep getting angry over this one day? Certainly,
his choice reflects a level of disregard for your feelings,
but have you asked him why the disregard exists?
Have you asked him why it’s more important to him to
do this instead of respecting your feelings? Have you
asked if you could join him? There’s a range of
emotional responses to choose from other than getting
angry; responses that will lead to a more
comprehensive understanding of your man instead of
opening the door to a fight. Here’s a third choice –
laugh about it and let it go. Remind yourself that this
is a man that you love and then behave like you love
him. Let him have his flaws and relinquish your
attempts at controlling his behavior. Committing to a
relationship with you shouldn’t mean he has to stop
being an individual. Laugh at the way he still hangs
onto his youthful, defiant self and delight that he is
still young and rebellious at heart.

Really, if you had total control over every aspect of


your guy, would you still be interested in him?
Because if that were the case, it would be like having a
closed off relationship with yourself, which is
something you can have. Just break up with him, have
no boyfriend, husband or lover and be happy alone and
in complete control of your own life.

In real life we have no control over anyone else. We


can however, exercise control over ourselves in
choosing how we want to act or to respond. We can
attempt to blame others all day long for our own
emotions or for our physical state and there are people
around us who would say we’re right to blame that
other person. But the truth is, at the end of the day, it
was ultimately and is still ultimately your choice about
where you place yourself in the world, with whom you
choose to place yourself and what you decide to do
once you get there.

Freedom of choice is the greatest gift we all receive at


birth. Our inarguable choice in response to that gift is
to delight that we have it ourselves and to respect that
others have been given it as well.

In the previous chapter I suggested that if you can’t be


truly happy, then you should “Fake it ‘til you make it.”
After all this, maybe you’re one of those women who
really doesn’t want to fake it, even though, let’s face it,
we’ve all faked it at some point in our lives. But, you
want to be sincere in your good attitude. Still, you’ve
read the last few paragraphs and are saying to yourself,
“Yeah, all right. But what about those times of the
month? Can’t I catch a break?”

Let'stake a moment to talk about bad attitudes and


what causes them. The biggest excuse women use for
a bad attitude is PMS. In most cases, when a woman
uses PMS as an excuse for her attitude, she's really
blaming it on her hormones. What she’s really trying
to say is, “My hormones are out of whack. Back off!”
This is the widely accepted definition of PMS. But the
real definition of PMS is a time frame. It’s the seven to
fourteen days before your period where your
hormones inside your body adjust to the actions of
your uterus and ovaries. It’s not just your behavior
during those days.

Here's a wakeup call for all women. The behaviors


associated with PMS are emotionally rooted, not
hormonally. That's right. What you refer to as PMS is
an emotional circumstance which is provoked by the
hormonal changes in your monthly cycle and not the
other way around. Think of it like this: the emotions
you express during PMS are like gasoline and the
hormonal changes you experience monthly are the
matches that light it.

People want to believe that PMS is the yelling,


screaming, misbehavior that some women exhibit right
before their period starts. When in reality, PMS is
merely the time frame defining a fluctuation in your
hormonal cycle and the yelling, screaming and
misbehaving during that period are the responses you
were taught to express in response to your emotions
as a child. These behaviors rise to the surface during
changing hormonal times, but they wouldn't exist in
your life at all if you had not been taught this manner
of behavior in response to duress. If you had been
taught to sit and cope quietly in response to duress
instead of yelling and screaming, then that's how you
would behave now in response to your emotions
during the changes in your monthly cycle instead.
The feelings of anger and rage associated with PMS
during your premenstrual cycle are the external results
of negative, unresolved internal emotions. These same
feelings exist within you every other day during the
month, but when your hormones fluctuate, the
chemicals in your brain and body shift and instead of
exhibiting an ability to cope with your feelings; you
express exactly the opposite, an inability to tolerate all
unresolved and unpleasant emotions. That's why PMS
is such a surprise to everyone, including you. Because
when your hormones and brain chemicals are in
balance, you are able to control your emotional
responses and behave rationally in response to
emotional stimuli, even negative stimuli. While, when
your chemicals and hormones are out of balance, all
tact and emotional moderation flies out the window.
The very presence of negative behavior during PMS
indicates unresolved emotions compounded by the
lessons of bad behavior and hormonal imbalances.

NOTE: If your PMS symptoms don’t decrease as you


contend with your emotional issues and if you
regularly experience heavy period flow and/or bowel
movement disruptions along with being
disproportionately too cold in your environment or too
hot when everyone else is comfortable, then I
recommend that you ask your doctor to test your
thyroid. One in five women have a thyroid disorder; an
estimated statistic which increases for each woman
with the onset of perimenopause.

The symptoms of thyroid dysfunction can mimic the


behaviors of PMS and the negative physical and
emotional experiences greatly improve with thyroid
medication/therapy. A home based way to
preliminarily check to see if you have a thyroid
problem is to take your own resting temperature every
morning for a week BEFORE you get out of bed. Keep
your thermometer by your bed to make this easier. A
healthy person will have a temperature between 97.8
and 98.2; then once you get up and get moving, your
temperature should rise to the standard 98.6. If your
body temperature is below the level of 97.8 when you
wake up, then you may well be hypothyroid. If your
temperature is above 98.2, then you may be
hyperthyroid. If you believe you are either
hypothyroid or hyperthyroid, then please see your
doctor for a blood test to confirm your initial self
diagnosis.

If you are a woman like me who would like to sincerely


express happiness, then slow down and think through
all of your feelings. Sort out the ones which are
making you unhappy that you have learned to
systematically ignore and pay them some attention.
Make an attempt to resolve them in your mind and in
your life so that they won't rear their ugly little heads
once a month or several times a month as your body
hormonally adapts to itself during your cycle.

The results of listening to yourself, of listening to


your own feelings and responding with compassion
and care are just as important as it is to listen to
someone else's feelings and to respond to them
with compassion and care.
Another way to determine how to change your
unhappiness into happiness is to sit down with a pen
and paper and make a list of all of the activities in your
life. List the activities that make you happy and list the
ones that don’t. Next to the ones that don’t make you
happy, list a possible action you can take which would
increase your happiness in those areas and decrease
the unhappiness in your life.

For example, we all have to work. A lot of us don’t feel


happy about this responsibility. We think it would be
much better if we could win the lottery and go live on
a tropical island somewhere where we would be served
fresh fruit and lobster salad all day long. That’s not
likely to happen. But taking a two week vacation to a
tropical island is likely to happen and so is looking for
a job in a field where the experience is more
rewarding. If you like music, but you work with an
accountant, find a job where you work with music or
musicians or in entertainment. If you like helping
people, but the people you currently try to help at your
job don’t appreciate you, find a job at a children’s
hospital or at a hospice. You will constantly be
rewarded with gratitude. Do you get the picture?

You can change those factors of your life which are


making you unhappy so that you can honestly be
happy around those you love. It’s all on you to love
yourself through your bad choices into better choices
and then love the next guy. Even if he won’t put out
the trash like you asked him to.
Most women have heard the phrase high maintenance,
but what does it really mean? I’ll start by telling you
when you’re low maintenance.

You’re low maintenance in the beginning of a new


relationship. That’s when you really want to please
your guy. You want to make him happy so you don’t
ask for a lot of attention, because any attention at all
from him feels great. And you don’t mandate that he
call you at certain times of the day, because you
understand that he has a life of his own and you are
both busy people. On dates you say things like, “Oh
let’s just stop off for a quick shake and fries, because
I’m not really hungry.” Making him very happy that he
doesn’t have to win you over with a seven course meal
at a four star restaurant. You coast along in this
euphoric state for a long time… until your man does
something that pisses you off. Once you get pissed off
suddenly you need to see him or hear from him ALL
THE TIME and if your hypoglycemia kicks in while
you’re on a date with him, well, he’d just BETTER take
you to the best restaurant he can find because you’re
pissed off.

Suddenly, you’ve gone from low maintenance to high


maintenance. A high maintenance woman is an angry
woman. This is not a state that men like. They like
high quality, but not high maintenance. However, if
your man loves you, or just loves having sex with you,
he will tolerate this state of existence for awhile. But
he will stop tolerating it once he believes that instead
of being a “state” this is now his country and he is a
citizen of your high maintenance world.
But did he really, deliberately, do something to anger
you? Because if so, that means he’s probably not a
good guy and you would be better off ending the affair
now. Or was it just an innocent misunderstanding that
came at the wrong time during your cycle? If that’s the
case, then leave this issue behind before he leaves you
behind.
DON’T HOLD ON TO ANGER.
You should have high standards, but here’s the way to
go about having them:

YOU live by your high standards. You. You give


yourself the quality of experience you desire in life and
then when other people don’t give you the same
experience, you will simply realize that these people
don’t belong in your life and you will release them
back into the world, away from you.

Trying to force someone to live up to your standards is


like pairing up disco with punk rock. It only works if
you’re very very forgiving of the obvious clash in
cultures, but if you can’t forgive, then the combination
will blow up in your face.

If you do what it takes to meet your own standards,


then it won’t matter as much when other people
disappoint you. You may still experience
disappointment, but it won’t be that crushing letdown
followed by the realization that you have a gaping hole
in your life where you wanted that other person to be,
when you won’t let them be there happily because
they’ve disappointed you. By satisfying your needs for
your own high standards, you will leave room for other
people to be themselves and that will work out better
for your relationships in the long run.

Another version of high maintenance requires your


man to navigate your emotional expressions in order
to remain safe. What does this mean? It means that
while you may meet your own high standards
physically, you still expect others to rearrange their
lives to make room for you emotionally. Or else.

By example, it’s like this: You are Vegan. No problem,


you cook your own food for both you and your
boyfriend. But his parents have invited you to dinner
and they are not Vegan. In fact, they think Vegan is a
new hybrid of vegetable and not a lifestyle. But you
want to meet them, so you go. At dinner, they serve
roast beef. You decline the meat, but accept helpings
of the vegetables. Then, while everyone is eating, you
start a conversation on the abuse that cows suffer at
the hands of greedy ranchers. You go into detail about
the treacherous conditions cows are subjected to. You
do not notice the horrified expressions on the faces of
your boyfriend’s parents or the fact that everyone has
stopped eating, except you.

This is the kind of situation where your boyfriend will


have to navigate your high maintenance in order to
avoid embarrassment.

In this particular circumstance, if your boyfriend knew


that his parents’ love for meat and your Veganism
would conflict, he might avoid taking you to dinner
entirely. Or, prior to arriving, he might feel compelled
to plead with you to hold your tongue when it comes
to the plight of cows. Or, he might ask his parents to
let him take all of you to a Vegan restaurant for dinner.
Whatever his choices could have been, now because of
your high maintenance, he can’t just enjoy the dinner
because he has to take on additional responsibilities so
that the evening doesn’t end badly.

A low maintenance woman would do almost all of the


same things you did under the same circumstances,
except that she would not have brought up the
discussion on the plight of the cows in the world at the
dinner table.

You see? Even though you did not expect his parents
to make a Vegan meal for you, you still imposed your
standards on them emotionally, forcing them to
comply with your opinions in order to be comfortable
around you. That’s the kind of high maintenance that
requires other people to navigate around your
personality in order to avoid difficult situations. This
would be where tactfully keeping your thoughts to
yourself would allow you to present yourself as low
maintenance even though internally you would still
retain your strong convictions.

It is work for a woman to become less high


maintenance, but I have faith that it can happen.
Interestingly enough, you’ll see that if you meet your
own high maintenance needs while keeping up your
high standards, you’ll appear to be low maintenance to
your man. What a world!
SATISFACTION
20

Your sexual happiness begins now. Learn about your


body. Decide what sexual actions and activities you
already like, then determine which ones you would like
to try and list which ones you’re on the fence about.

If you can do some of the activities on your list at


home by yourself, then try them to see if they’re
something you would want to do with your man before
you introduce them to your relationship. If they
require a partner, then try them with your man, but
don’t be afraid to say “Stop – it hurts.” or “I’m just not
as into this as I thought I would be.” Just because you
try something doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it
or that you ever have to do it again. In spite of all the
outward encouragement this book offers, YOU are and
should always be the first last and only word that
matters in your sexual life. Never do anything that
scares you or makes you feel threatened no matter
how badly you would like to pleasure your man.
NEVER.

Know this; your man will feel pleasure when he gives


you pleasure and in pleasing you, he ends up pleasured
by you. Men like knowing that they've given their
women an orgasm as much if not more than knowing
that they too will get one eventually, so you should
learn what brings you pleasure so that you can
communicate this to your man. Previously, we
discussed getting on your guy’s vibe so that you can
determine what he likes and how he likes it, but also
let him catch your vibe so that he can learn how to
please you.

Let’s talk about a few things you can do for yourself to


learn about your own sexuality.

Buy a vibrator or a dildo. They’re not expensive and


they are the first step in determining what you may
like that will bring you to an orgasm. Don’t be
embarrassed. More women have them in their drawers
than you could ever imagine. Also, buy lubricant. Our
bodies are built like machines, but no machine should
have to function without a little oil. Especially as we
get older, our bodies just don’t make as much
lubrication as they once did. Don’t feel bad about
yourself over it. It’s natural and everyone experiences
it; just like every man’s penis doesn’t get as hard or get
hard as frequently as it once did when he was younger.
So buy the lubricant. Then take some time all by
yourself when you won’t be interrupted and try out
these products. See how they feel on and in various
areas of your body. Taste the lubricant, (don’t drink it
though) if you don’t like the way it tastes or smells,
buy one that you do like. Adult stores have a wide
selection of these products to choose from. Or if you
don’t want to go into an adult store, shop online.
Read the reviews on a product to see if it’s something
you might like. Then try the product and form your
own opinion.

Do you know where your g-spot is? Let me briefly tell


you. It’s up inside of your vagina, just past the pelvic
bone past the entrance to your vagina, a place you can
feel if you finger yourself. Take two fingers and insert
them deep into your vagina with the pad side of your
fingers facing up so that you can see your fingerprints
as you insert your fingers. Insert your fingers in and
then feel up and forward as if you are trying to reach
your belly button with your fingertips. On the inside
forward wall of your vagina, closest to the area just
above your pelvic bone and about 4-5 inches below
your belly button you will feel a slightly rough patch in
the midst of all of the very soft tissue in your vaginal
canal. The rough spot that feels like a tiny washboard
is your g-spot. That’s the spot where ideally a man’s
penis should hit when he’s having sex with you if you
want to maximize your pleasure. That’s why a lot of
women like to have sex sitting up, straddling their man
or like to be entered from behind during sex; because
there’s a better likelihood that the head or the shaft of
your man’s cock will hit that spot as he’s having sex
with you. Learn what stimulates your own personal g-
spot. Use your fingers, a vibrator or a dildo to
determine what motion stimulates this spot the most.
Think outside of the box (so to speak). You can finger
yourself or ask your man to finger you straight in, or at
an angle, or you or your man’s fingers can rotate in a
circular motion to stimulate your g-spot. Whatever
feels great to you is what’s right for you.

FYI – Many men have used the fine art of fingering as a


barometer prior to sex to see if a woman is lubricated
enough for intercourse. Work to change this pattern
in your own sex life, because when fingering is done
with the intention of bringing a woman to orgasm, the
experience can be as amazing as the sex itself. If your
man is using his fingers to stimulate you inside of your
vagina, show him that the proper way to do it is to use
the first two fingers on his hand and to insert them
palm side up as he’s looking at you. Then he needs to
stretch his fingers up and forward to reach that rough
spot inside of you to stroke your g-spot in a come
hither motion. Practice the finger motion when you’re
by yourself so that you can show him how it’s done.
The palm of your hand (or his) should be facing
towards the sky (up) and then the first two fingers are
inserted and they should move as if you are gesturing
to someone to “come over to you” with the fingertips
curling inward in a constant motion towards the palm
of your hand.

This is not something to lose sleep over, but if you're


older or if you've had babies, then it’s possible that
your vaginal muscles have become more relaxed.
That’s ok, because all of our bodies change and having
your vaginal muscles relax is just another change in
your body that many women experience.

One way to offset this change is to exercise your Kegel


muscles. You may be asking yourself, “What are
those? I'm not German.” Kegel muscles are the
muscles that tighten the inside of your vagina. A
woman will use these muscles when her man is moving
inside of her to increase the sexual pleasure for both of
them. The way to work out your Kegel muscles is to
squeeze your vagina closed using those muscles. In
order to check to make sure that you are using those
muscles, put your finger inside of your vagina to feel
that your muscles are squeezing. If you’re still
confused about how to work those muscles, then try
this to become familiar with which muscles you need
to use. When you sit down to pee, stop your peeing
midstream, before you are finished. The muscles you
use to stop your pee are the same Kegel muscles you
use to strengthen your vagina. So when you stop your
pee, you are using those muscles. It may take some
practice to learn how to work these muscles, so don’t
get defeated. Once you know which muscles they are
and how to work them out, you can work them out
undetected in almost any situation where you sit or
stand. And in working them out, you will keep the
most important destination on your body for your
sexual pleasure in shape.

Masturbate. Fantasize. Watch porn. All by yourself.


Determine what turns you on. What method of touch
makes you hot, what method makes you cum. If the
last porn you watched was from the 70s and had some
sleazy guy in a leisure suit in it and you cringe when
you hear the word porn, then you need to see the porn
today as it’s directed by women! It’s romantic, it has a
plot and it has hot, sexy guys!

We women get all the pressure despite what men


think. We have to be seductive, satisfying and able to
be satisfied by our man. What woman hasn’t at one
time in her life heard her man say, “I want to make you
cum.” And thought “Great, I don’t know how that’s
likely to happen now that you’ve said it when I already
know that you don’t have what it takes to make it
happen.” Learn what it takes to make yourself cum
and then when your man says this to you, you can
respond with “Great! Here’s what I want you to do.”
You’ll be surprised at how receptive your man will be
even though you may think you sound bossy.
Supermodel Paulina Porizkova once said in an
interview that she had the best sex in the world. At
the time, I didn’t know if I wanted her confidence, or
to have great sex, but I determined that one day, I
would be a woman who could say that as well.

Let me start by saying that the first thing you should


have regarding sex for yourself, is a STANDARD.
Determine what you want before you have sex and set
your standards to achieve it, because no one knows
what you want or what will please you, better than
you. Your standard can be established according to
the sexual experience itself or by the qualities you
desire in another person. My standards have ranged
from penis preference, to how I like a man to groom,
to exactly how and how often he makes love to me.

There are women who mandate that their men must


orally pleasure them before they are allowed to have
intercourse with them. It's their standard. I love this
practice, but it can be challenging for me to ask to be
singularly satisfied without feeling selfish. Historically,
oral sex has been used as a means of foreplay, with
those who enjoy the sexual pleasure of oral sex until
orgasm being defined as selfish. It’s not selfish for a
woman to want to have an orgasm first and the upside
is that you can experience an orgasm now orally and
also have one later on during intercourse, because
women can have multiple orgasms; a feat that very few
men can pull off. If you're a woman who desires oral
sex prior to intercourse, then ask for it before your guy
gets past thinking about singularly pleasing you and is
ready for collaborative activity.
Some women make this request by boldly pulling their
man’s head right down between their legs and putting
him to work before any other “magic” is allowed to
happen. If your man doesn’t know what to do or how
to do it to you, then guide him. Don’t be afraid to
speak up for yourself. Tell him exactly how you like
your pussy licked, nibbled or sucked. Tell him if he’s
doing it fast enough, or slow enough. If he’s not on
the right vibe, then pull him up to your lips and kiss
him in a way that will send him shaking back down
between your legs to please you correctly. Whatever
you do, don’t cheat yourself. At least occasionally,
encourage your man to give you oral pleasure until you
cum. If you want him to use his fingers in you while he
does it, then show him the “come hither” motion
necessary to reach your g-spot that will stimulate you
to an orgasm. Or better yet, teach him how to use his
fingers inside both your vagina and your ass to create
the orgasmic trifecta, a move you’ll learn how to
perfect later in this book. But don’t feel guilty that
you’re not reciprocating and don’t stop yourself from
having an orgasm so that he can have sex too.

MEN DON’T DO IT LIKE THAT.

When a man is receiving oral sex he wants a woman to


continue until he cums and he expects you to do
whatever it takes to make that happen. Now, why
shouldn’t you expect the same from him?

Most women don’t think like this or naturally behave


this way. We generally let a guy go down on us for
maybe 15 minutes, until he starts saying things like
“Baby, I really want you to cum. What’s it going to
take?” When we’re not prepared to respond, most
guys give up and we let them. Be prepared to tell him
what it will take to make you cum and then encourage
him to keep going until you do so.

YOU DESERVE THIS.

Here’s something you probably already know about


yourself. You have to be relaxed and be able to trust
in the situation in order to enjoy oral sex. It takes a
more relaxed environment and what seems like a
longer, more diligent effort by your man, for you to
cum. Set your standards to expect that those factors
will all be put into place by your man so that you can
have an orgasm during oral sex. It’s not too much to
ask for.

In all fairness, get to know yourself down there. Get to


know what you smell like, how to keep your hair
trimmed or waxed and most importantly, what action
it takes to make you cum. That way, you can
intimately instruct him on what to do to you so that
you can cum in his mouth. After all, fair’s fair.

But why limit great sex to oral? I like having orgasms


before, during and after intercourse and since God has
blessed me with the ability to have multiple orgasms,
why shouldn’t I have as many as I can? Whatever you
choose, I have to encourage that you strategize to
make it happen. Communicate with your guy in a
seductive manner. Say things like, “I like it like this
baby.” Or, “Put your fingers here and do it like this; rub
it like this; pinch or stroke it like this.”
Seduction is the best
method of communication
to get what you want.

Men aren’t born with an inherent understanding of the


female body. And since we already know that they
hate asking for directions, then you have to provide
the directions for them. Don’t be misled; guys don’t
talk to each other about this stuff. They don’t share
sexual “trade secrets” with each other about how to
make their women cum. They just let other guys think
that they already know what they’re doing, the same
way men let you think they can get somewhere
without using the GPS system. They can’t, until you
tell them or show them. So do both.

It never hurts to have a visual aide. So masturbate in


front of your guy. Trust me, he will love it. Show him
how you touch yourself so that he can learn how to
touch you. Let him try. Give him encouragement.
Communicate your desires to him; whether they are as
seductive as nibbling on your neck or as explicit as
having him go down on you from behind, because it’s
all about you having the best sex in the world. Be
specific and tell him what he does to you that you love.
Be loud. Moan and talk to him during sex to show
your pleasure, men like that. Set your standards high
and rely on his ego to meet your standards. Men don’t
like to fail. Use that in your favor. Know that you
deserve to have the best sex he can give you as often
as he can give it to you. Show him how to give it to
you and then expect to receive it.

That’s how Paulina would do it.


Some guys don’t want to be told what to do so don’t
waste your time talking to them if they don’t want to
hear it. Instead, while you’re having sex, be your own
best partner. If you love your guy but he doesn’t
always do it for you, then fantasize. I personally like
Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp or both, but you may
be a Jimmy Kimmel, Blair Underwood or even a
Vanessa Williams gal. I know what you’re thinking,
“He’ll know! My guy will know I’m fantasizing!” I
know, I know. I used to think that too. But really, he
doesn’t. I thought I’d get busted for my thoughts. But
surprise surprise... your thoughts are your own! You
can think what you want during sex and he won’t know
what you’re thinking.

Likewise, if your guy has a habit of finishing and


leaving you unsatisfied and you don’t want to find a
new guy, then satisfy yourself. You can decide
whether you want to do this discreetly or brazenly.
Discreetly would be to go into the bathroom to do it
or if he goes to the bathroom then you can remain in
bed and use your fingers, a dildo or a vibrator to bring
yourself to orgasm. Brazenly would be to do the same
thing while he’s post coitally catching his breath. Let
him lay there and pant. You’re on your way to an
orgasm! Be strong. Having sex isn’t just an act we
undertake to please men and hopefully, by some twist
of fate, we end up with an orgasm. It’s an equal effort.
So stand your ground on your standards so you too can
say, “I have the best sex in the world.” Thanks Paulina!

Now here’s just a little suggestion. You may need to


work up to it either by yourself or with your man, but I
guarantee once you get there you’ll go back to it again
and again.

I call it the orgasmic trifecta.


Before doing it, I should explain how it is important in
relation to our bodies. Obviously, women have nerves
right at the surface in their most sensitive vaginal area.
However, what most women don’t know is that each of
the three separate areas of nerves can, under the right
circumstances, generate an orgasm. But not just the
same feeling of orgasm; each area can individually
generate an orgasm that feels completely unique when
compared to the feeling of orgasm generated by any of
the other two areas.

The three areas where you can have an orgasm are:


the inside of the vagina where the g-spot is, the
clitoris/labia and the anus/rectal area. If any one of
these areas is stimulated properly, an orgasm can be
attained. So whether you’re having sex alone or with
your man, stimulating any two or more of these areas
will radically enhance your sexual experience.

But if you want to experience the Trifecta, stimulate all


of these places simultaneously. I know it sounds like it
could be difficult. But, it’s less difficult than you’d
imagine. Using your man, here’s the way it goes.
While his penis is inside of your vagina he will naturally
cup your ass with his hands. One of his hands should
slide closer to your asshole where he can gently
massage your asshole and then slide a finger into it.
As he’s doing this, you reach between your legs and
massage your clitoris. With him inside of you moving
and his finger in your ass and you massaging your
clitoris, I’d be surprised if you don’t go through the
roof with your Trifecta orgasm.

The only thing that might interrupt your pleasure is if


you try too hard to set this scenario up. The Trifecta
success is a combination of strategy and action –
knowing where to stimulate yourself and then
stimulating those places in a manner that adds to the
excitement of your sex instead of interrupting it with
instruction. So practice reaching to those places while
you’re having sex or when you’re masturbating and
then it will become easy to reach them all while you’re
having sex with your lover so that you can win the
Trifecta! Be a winner and win the Orgasmic Trifecta for
yourself!
WHY CAN’T I BE YOU?
21

For everything that’s been said, it now must also be


said that more than the phrase, “That will make you
look fat.” women hate to hear the word NO. Even as
we learn to accept new truths about our men, we must
also face certain truths within our own lives.
Embedded deep in our psyche, probably as a genetic
predisposition, is a dislike for the word NO and the
desire to hear the word YES in response to any
requests we may make. As much as it could be agreed
upon that men feel the same way, many men don’t like
to use the word YES when responding to a woman if it
means they have to make any effort whatsoever for
that YES to happen.

Despite the respect I believe we should all have for


each other’s thoughts, desires and boundaries, this
chapter is about being the women that we are. The
ones who like to hear the word YES. And in being
these women, this chapter will teach you how to live
that reality to its fullest; regardless of respect.

Why not? Consider it the icing on the cake. That extra


dollop of lavender sugar fashioned into a rose that we
know good and well we shouldn’t eat, but who’s going
to stop us?

So eat up this philosophy.

When does "NO" really mean NO? Does the word NO


ever really mean NO when it's uttered by a man? Think
about the Garden of Eden. NO was supposed to mean
NO. But through the delights of her body and the skills
of her mind, Eve was able to convince Adam that his
NO to her was just a deferred YES.

You don't have to date a guy named Adam to get the


same results from your man.

Let's talk about the word NO and what it's meant to


men historically whenever it's been said by a woman.
In plain speak it's meant YES. That's right, for eras
upon eras whenever a woman has said the word NO to
a man, he's reinterpreted that NO to mean (in a rare
instance using many more words) “That she doesn't
really know what she wants and she has no idea how
great it would be if she said yes, so even though she's
said the word no, it really means yes, so I'll act on what
I think she really means instead of what she's saying.
She said no, but she really means yes.”

Unfortunately, this is how date rape came to be. But


it's time to turn the tables. High time.

Here's how you need to think in order to make this


happen. Instead of accepting the word NO at its face
value, which means the buck stops here and you aren't
getting anything more, use the reverse interpretation
that men have used for centuries or maybe ever since
Eve taught Adam how to reinterpret his own response.

Think NO means YES.

Why not? We women may very likely be the horse's


mouth on where reinterpreting the word NO came
from, while men became the horse's other end for
using that reinterpretation indiscriminately and
destructively.

The way to think about the word NO is to think about


it as a deferred YES. That's right. You heard me. NO
does not mean NO and is not a permanent thought. It
is merely a NO that is waiting for the Fairy Godmother
of negotiation to change it into a YES. I’ll say it again.

A NO is not a NO - it is a deferred YES!

It works like this; when a man tells you no, instead of


accepting it and walking away from your request
disappointed, be it sexual, financial, emotional, visiting
your Mother or undertaking that remodeling project
you want for your home, ask him this question: “What
will it take to make your answer yes instead of no?” If
he laughs like he's dismissing you, which he might do,
ask it again.

What will it take to make your answer YES


instead of NO?

Surprisingly, the wall that has surrounded his inner


thoughts up to this point should now crack wide open
and he will answer you with a response that will start a
discussion, or rather a debate of sorts on goods versus
services and the availability of both. But if he doesn’t
crack right away, then keep asking the question (What
will it take….) until he does crack. Once his defiance
to saying YES cracks, it means you are now in the door
instead of on the other side of it hearing the finality of
the word NO. Now, he will tell you what it will take to
hear YES from him and it will be a big answer. One
that may sound like he’s trying to verbally knock you
down, because that’s exactly what he’s trying to do.

Recognize that as outrageous as his initial response


will be, it is also merely a jumping off point for
negotiations. So…

DON'T BE INTIMIDATED.

Listen calmly to his first demand. He's making it big


and irrational because he really doesn't expect you to
do anything more in response than to be overwhelmed
by it and to resign yourself back to his original answer
of NO. Instead, as you listen, think about how many of
his initial demands you could possibly agree to and
respond to his demands by stating the points that you
can meet and telling him the points you won’t meet. If
you are willing to meet all of his demands, then meet
his demands. You can now expect him to respond to
your original request with a resounding YES.
Negotiations over. Everyone’s happy.

However, if you find that you have to continue


negotiating, then do so, but whatever you do, don’t
respond emotionally and don't emotionally judge the
points of his demands. Meaning, don't respond by
saying, “I can do this, but this other request is
outrageous, you must be out of your mind to say that!
You’re making me feel….” Once you bring emotion
into the negotiations you have as much as folded on
your hand. And he knows this. So leave your
emotions at the door and remind yourself that the
point you are trying to reach is a YES in response to
your original request and that to allow yourself the
luxury of letting your emotions color your negotiations
would mean you are willing to forfeit your bigger goal.
During the negotiations, answer him with fact and
capability and continue to do so until the two of you
have reached an agreement and he’s saying YES.

If your guy is sharp, he'll realize that you've changed


his NO to a YES with your negotiations. It's better if he
doesn't realize it. That way you can barter through all
future NOs to YES' on other issues with ease. When
he's sharp, you can still barter your way to a more
agreeable outcome, but then he might enjoy the
negotiations too much and he may challenge you more
during the negotiations just to see what he can get
from you in addition to whatever it initially takes for
you to change his NO to a YES.

This may be cheating, but if you really want to


guarantee that his NO changes into a YES, then use
your new powers of negotiation on your man while
he’s caught up in his sexual desire for you. Ask him for
what you want before you have sex with him, right
before, when he wants you and he will agree to
anything to have you. In fact, you could make him
agree to anything before he can have you. Like I said,
it’s cheating, but….

Men have used the power of the word YES in their


favor for a long time. Given that the word itself could
actually be credited to Eve, way back at the dawn of
time, it’s long past time we women reclaim our natural
heritage and use it to our own full advantage.
SURRENDER
22

Women and men all migrate towards each other for


one of two reasons beyond the desire for sex and
companionship. One, we subconsciously search for
someone who will help us work through an unresolved
issue in our life, like a particular fear or past
experience; or two, we end up falling in love with a
person who behaves like our parent – for men it’s their
Mother, for women it’s our Father. It's a fact.

As a woman, you may have had an absentee Father


who was a closeted homosexual and you never knew
him, but due to your genetic predisposition to find
someone like your Father, you will find yourself
unnaturally attracted to a person who appears to have
unanswered homosexual tendencies and who may have
a habit of abandoning you when you need him the
most. Or, if it’s a man we’re talking about, he may say
that he hates the way his Mother talks all the time
about pointless things; so out of respect for his
repulsion to this quality you are silent around him
because you want him to love you. But your
relationship may end with him breaking up with you to
marry a chatty woman. A situation which leaves you
mystified, since he said he didn’t like women who were
like that. Actually as I write this I realize that “two”
may be more like “one” than I thought.

If the Universe determines that you are not yet ready


for that one great and lasting love, you will have what I
call Issue Relationships. These are relationships where
you end up coming face to face with whatever
unresolved issues there are in your life. Do you have
low self esteem? Meet the guy who will have lower
self esteem than you do and who will create
unpleasant situations in your life until you understand
how to improve your own self esteem and can honestly
leave this relationship behind. Are you compulsive?
Meet the mirror of a man whose compulsions and need
for immediate gratification will exceed yours until you
learn restraint. Problems being honest? Here’s the liar
in your life. Answer? Learn how to see the truth in
yourself and how to express yourself more truthfully.
What about a traumatic experience that you just never
really got over? Unfortunately you will meet a man
who will bring up the memories of that experience. It
may be that he has been through something similar or
he may encompass some of the qualities that the
people who provoked the experience in your life had.
In this case, I strongly suggest that you pursue some
counseling or join a support group who will
compassionately aid you in healing from the trauma
you have experienced.

We can all run away from our problems, the problem


is, we usually end up running right into them while
we’re running away. Whatever your unresolved issues,
you will end up confronting them in your relationships
until you resolve them.

Obviously we would rather enjoy our relationships, so


here’s one way to handle things:

Face yourself and your life head on. Learn to look at


yourself honestly and to deal with whatever your
issues are realistically so that you can resolve them
before the Universe puts a mirror relationship in front
of you forcing you to resolve them when you would
rather be in love. In response to the parental factor in
a relationship, make lemonade out of the lemons. If
your Father was absent, try to find a nurturing way to
encourage your man to remain present. If your man is
more experimental in his sexuality, then use that to
create a dynamic sex life for yourself. For your
partner, if his Mother was too chatty, you can be chatty
too, but say informative things rather than making
empty, mindless chatter.

Surrendering is the best way to let go of the


unpleasant experiences. It’s using the Laws of Physics
in your favor. In Physics, you use opposing energy to
advance your own efforts. It’s like this; if you are in a
fight and someone throws a punch at you and you
stand your ground and the punch connects with you,
you will get hurt and your desire will be to disarm the
other person because getting hurt is not in your favor.
But, if you use the Laws of Physics and grab their wrist
as they punch, pulling their punching arm towards you
while you step out of the way of the punch, then you
pull them off balance, effectively disarming them and
avoiding injury by using their own force in your favor.

Use the Laws of Physics in your relationship to


cooperate with the opposing efforts of your man in
order to disarm him. If your man likes to go off by
himself and the two of you usually fight over that
choice, then instead of fighting him, exercise the Laws
of Physics by letting him go and using the time you’ll
have alone to do things that will make you happy.
Instead of pushing against his offense, pull it towards
you as a benefit, so that everyone wins.

We all love to fall in love and while no relationship in


life is perfect and we all fall while we’re trying to get
along, there’s a way you can fall forward in order to be
happy with the results of having fallen at all.

I have to say it again... men are the way they are;


regardless of their upbringing or their moral or
intellectual endeavors. Despite how they’d like to be,
they still just are the way they are and there are three
things they need to make them happy. These are:

1) For you to be happy with them and around them,


because your happiness really does mean everything to
them.

2) For you to let them be themselves sometimes, even


if the way they are upsets you, because they need to
like themselves as much as they like you.

3) And, for you to have sex with them as often as


possible, because as I’ve been told, men need to have
sex in order to keep feeling like men. It’s in their
genes. I know, now you might be thinking about
Chapter 8, but get your mind back to a higher place.
That was not a cheeky comment. (And neither was
that one.)

It’s been said that you can end up kissing a lot of frogs
on your way to finding Prince Charming. Some of us,
myself included, fall madly in love with those adorable
little green monsters and have relationships with them
instead of continuing the search for Mr. Right. There
are also women like me, who fall in love with a pair of
size 7½, Stuart Weitzman shoes and spend $400
dollars on them even though we are without question,
a size 8. We then happily wear the wrong size shoes
to every major event in our life until one day we realize
that those little corns on our pinkies would be much
more comfortable in a pair of boots. So, we find a pair
to slip into. Just like someday, we stop dating the
wrong guys and find the right relationship to slip into.
This book is for you, for us. The eternal optimists.
The ones who make lemonade out of lemons. For the
rest of you who are having the Brad Pitt and Angelina
Jolie true love experience, you probably don't need this
book. But then again, you might.

The last freakish truth I have to tell you is that you can
tell if your guy is in love with you if he doesn’t want to
“do” anything with you but hang out. Seriously. If
your guy likes to stay home next to you on the sofa or
in bed, eating pizza, occasionally making out and
watching TV (even if it’s Sportscenter) then you can
rest assured that he’s in love with you. So think about
this the next time you complain that he doesn’t love
you enough to take you anywhere. Maybe he does
love you enough already and you’re exactly where he
wants you both to be.

Use the tools in this book as you see fit. Enjoy the
privileges of being the woman you are and I guarantee
you will have your lifetime of happiness, wherever you
are and whether you’re involved with a man, or not.
Get it? Got it? Good.
P.S. – several final thoughts...
Water sex sounds sexier than it is. Sex in the water
washes off your lubricant and trying to maintain a
standard position without drowning can be difficult.

Next, maintain your own interests when you enter a


relationship and become interested in new things.
Your man is attracted to you because he finds you
interesting. So remain interesting. Don’t become a
disinteresting pale shadow of who he is once you
express interest in each other.

More than anything we need to support ourselves by


supporting other women. Inherently, women have
different needs and desires than men. We can make
changes and use new methods of communication with
men, but deep down inside the unique way we live our
lives works for us and the only other people who truly
understand that, are other women. So smile at each
other. Listen to one another when one of us needs to
talk things out before she returns to her relationship.
And let’s create a movement of women who are united
in our compassion and comprehension of what it takes
to live happily with the men we love.

Lastly, if you think you’re too old for this book, then
think about this. Are you too old to fall in love? I
hope not. My Mother, who’s 70 read this book and
then reread this book and then asked me if she could
find flavored condoms at Target. If she’s considered
too old, then I can only hope I grow old like her.
...ommm...

SHANTI SHANTI SHANTI


CREDIT WHERE IT’S DUE…
Chapter Titles/Tracks inspired by:
COME TOGETHER by The Beatles
DO YA by Electric Light Orchestra
MY SHARONA by The Knack
OBSESSSION by Animotion
I WANT YOU TO WANT ME by Cheap Trick
WHAT IS LOVE by Haddaway
TALK TALK by Talk Talk
GROOVE IS IN THE HEART by Deee-Lite
I AM WOMAN by Helen Reddy
MORE THAN A FEELING by Boston
RAPTURE by Blondie
BACKDOOR MAN by The Doors
SAFETY DANCE by Men Without Hats
DESPERATE, BUT NOT SERIOUS by Adam Ant
LIVE AND LET DIE by Paul McCartney & Wings
CHERRY BOMB by The Runaways
COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN by Led Zeppelin
PAINT IT BLACK by The Rolling Stones
YOUR CHEATIN’ HEART by Hank Williams
CANDIDATE by Dramarama
DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY by Bobby McFerrin
ON A PLAIN by Nirvana
SATISFACTION by The Rolling Stones
WHY CAN’T I BE YOU by The Cure
SURRENDER by Cheap Trick
NO MORE WORDS by Berlin
NEVER SAY NEVER by Romeo Void
Quotes References Credits…
Recommendations
THE DEPARTED
distributed by Warner Bros. Pictures
NEVER SAY NEVER
written by Debora Iyall
recorded by Romeo Void
ISLE OF BEAUTY
written by Thomas Haynes Bayly
THE RULES
written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
MEN WHO HATE WOMEN AND
THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM
written by
Susan Forward Ph.D. and Joan Torres
“YOU’VE COME A LONG WAY BABY!”
ad campaign in the 1970s for Virginia Slims
NO MORE WORDS
GLOSSARY
24/7 – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
69 – where both parties give and receive oral sex simultaneously
Abhors – to regard with loathing, to detest
Acclimate – adjust
Accoutrements – accessories, trappings
Achilles Tendons – the area of the leg at the back above the heel of the foot
Adam – the first man on the Earth
Advocate – supporter of your beliefs; to advocate, means to support, to
endorse
Adult Store – a store that sells sexual products
Altoids – a strong breath mint imported from England
Amortizes – to reduce the impact something makes by spreading out its
impact over an increased period of time
Anal – the area of the asshole on a person’s body
Anal Sex – sex where the penetration of the man’s penis is in his partner’s
asshole
Angelina Jolie – HOT actress better known for her outrageousness
Anonymous – identity unknown
Anus – asshole
Asexually – unaffected by sexuality
Ashram – a religious retreat
Asshole – anus
Autoerotic Stimulation or Asphyxiation – the act of choking another person
for sexual pleasure
Backdoor – slang term for your anus/asshole
Backsliding – to fall back into old patterns of behavior or choice
Badonkadonk – slang for a large butt
Balk, Balked – to stop short and refuse to go on
Ball Sack – the scrotum or sack of skin which contains a man’s testicles
Banter – to joke with or tease
Barter – to bargain for by trading
Beguiling – charming
Benoit Balls – small balls of increasing size that you tuck up into your anus or
your partner’s anus and then as you orgasm, you pull them out
Bicker – to mildly argue
Biohazardous – damaging to the environment, toxic
Bitch – in this book it is a degrading term for a woman
Blair Underwood – HOT actor
Blanche DuBois – a risqué character in the play, film and book A STREETCAR
NAMED DESIRE
Blow Job – a sexual act where a man’s penis is sucked
Bluff Hand – a hand dealt in poker which amounts to nothing, but the player
plays the hand as if it’s a winning hand; he lies
Blunt – honest, forthright without emotional consideration
Boggles – confuses
Bowel Movement – the act of pooping
Brad Pitt – hot actor better known for his relationships w/women
Breach – to break or rupture in order to enter
Bull’s Eye – in this book another name for a man’s dick
Cerebral, Cerebrally – smart, thinking, mental
Certifiable – legally committable to a mental institution
Chatty – a person who talks too much
Cheeky – saucy, flippant
Chemical Imbalance – when natural hormones or glands do not function in a
healthful manner causing emotional or physical problems
Chemistry – the sexual response between a man and a woman
Chip – a means of wagering a bet in poker
Clit – slang for a woman’s clitoris
Clitoris – the tiny area of flesh that surrounds and protects a woman’s urethra
Clogs – a chunky, clunky, mostly wooden shoe that has an open heel and a
covered toe/front foot, but is not considered a sexy shoe despite the open
heel
Closeted – a person who is “in the closet” aka hiding some facet of their
personality
Codependency – a state where one person is emotionally reliant on aiding
another person who is emotionally debilitated
Cock – a man’s penis
Cock Rings – a round ring of rubber or fabric that is used to stem the blood
flow from a man’s penis once he is erect
Colon – the end section of the large intestine where waste passes through
before it exits your body
Come, verb - in this book the act of orgasm
Come Hither – to call someone over to you
Commitmentphobic – a person who is so afraid of committing to a situation
that they appear ill with fear
Compartmentalize – to segregate thoughts or actions into singular
experiences not connected to any other experience
Compulsion – an act of immediate gratification
Compulsive – a person who acts on impulse
Condom – the thin rubber sleeve inserted on a man’s penis to afford
protection from STDs and pregnancy during sex
Confidante – a person you confide your secrets to
Conjunction – a combination of events or circumstances
Consensual - meaning all parties involved are of legal age
Contender – one of the fighters in a bout
Copasetic – satisfying, satisfactory
Coupling – two of the same sort considered together, a pair
Counseling – emotional therapy
Critical Examination – the dissection of an event or theory to the point that
you disassemble it entirely in order to see all of its sides
Cum – the fluid which is ejaculated from the penis of a man or the vagina on a
woman when either one experiences orgasm to ejaculate or orgasm; also the
act of orgasm; in some places in this book it’s spelled come
Cutting Edge – on the forefront, usually of change
Date Rape – the act of rape undertaken during an agreed upon social
engagement; the woman agrees to the date, but does not agree to sex and is
raped against her will
Deep Throat – to take the entire length of a penis into your mouth and throat
Deferred – to put off, to delay
Demeanor – attitude
Deprive – deny yourself or another physical gratification
Derailed – redirected from a set course
Detractor – to take away from
Detriment – loss or disadvantage
Devolve – to degenerate or deteriorate gradually
Diagnosis – a medical determination of your body based on symptoms you
are experiencing
Digression, Digress – to interrupt the current thought in order to discuss a
different thought
Dilate – to spread out, to expand
Dildo – a form, usually rubber which resembles a man’s penis
Dis – to dismiss, to disregard
Disarm – to take away the weapon of an opponent
Doggy Style – sex where the man approaches and enters the woman from
behind
Dominance – control over another
Duress – stress
Ego – conceit, self importance
Ejaculation – when a man experiences orgasm; some women can ejaculate too
Elude – to escape the understanding of
Empowered – to supply with ability, to enable
Emulate – to imitate
Enact – to do
Encompass – to encircle, to envelop
Enema – the act of flushing out excrement from your colon
Enticement – to lead into a situation using desire
Entourage – a group of associates
Envision – to picture in the mind
Era – a period of time
Erotic – sexual
Erogenous Zone – an area especially sensitive to sexual stimulation
Erratic – frantic, an inexplicable behavior
Escapades - adventures
Esophagus – the tube which connects your throat to your stomach
Euphoric – an extreme feeling of happiness
Eve – the first woman on the Earth
Evolve – to develop gradually
Excel – to do extremely well
Exchangeable – exchanged, interchangeable
Executing – to do
Exemplified – shown by example
Exhibitionist – a person who behaves in ways to attract attention
Existentially – specifically relating to your existence
Experiment – try
Exponentially – evolving equally in relation to other factors
Fake It ‘Til You Make It – pretend to do something until you can really do it
Feigning – faking
Feminists – the members of the Women’s Liberation Movement
Finger - to insert your finger in an area on a person’s body
Finger F*cking – to simulate intercourse using your finger or fingers
Fissures – small splits in your skin that are painful and may bleed
Flaccid – limp, lifeless
Flatulence – gas, farting
Fledgling – new
Fluctuate – to change
Fluid – a graceful movement in this book
Forearms – the area on the arm between the wrist and elbow
Foreplay – the time spent before the actual act of intercourse where one or
both partners are titillated into a state of arousal
Forward Progress –in football the progress of the ball is measured where it
touches the ground even if the player is tackled behind it
Formative Years – the years between age o-6 for a child
Forthcoming – open, offering up something without being asked
Fort Knox – the place in the country where the United States’ gold is stored
Forward Progress – a term used in football to denote that even though a play
does not result in a touchdown, it gained yards and therefore was not a waste
of effort
Frisky – playful, in this book as a precursor to sexual activity
F*ck – slang word for the act of having sex
Furtive – sly, shifty
G-Spot – the spot on a woman or a man which when stimulated markedly
heightens their sexual response
G-String – a slender piece of - usually fabric or it can be other materials like
chain or beads – that is the back of a pair of underwear – the G String does
not cover your backside, but fits all the way up into the crack of your behind
securing the panties in place
Garden of Eden – the place where God placed Adam and Eve to live
Genetic Predisposition – a circumstance of your mind or body which is
inherited through your genes or chromosomes and is not taught to you
Go Down on a man or woman – to give that person oral sex
Golden Showers - the act of peeing on another person for sexual pleasure
Good On Paper – means when you write down his qualifications he seems like
a better guy than he represents in person
Gourmet – high quality or exotic
GPS System – a system used for tracking and for generating directions to a
specific location
Groin – the pubic area
Guise – general external appearance
Hand Job – to masturbate a man using your hand
Happy Finish – a phrase to indicate sexual satisfaction, generally used in
reference to sexual satisfaction after a massage
Hard or Hard On – in this book it means an erection on a man
Head, verb; to give - a sexual act where someone sucks on a man’s penis
Head, noun – the very top helmet shaped part of a man’s penis that is
attached to the shaft (longer part) of his penis
Hepatitis – a disease of the blood which negatively affects the liver,
transmitted to blood or semen
Hickey – a bruise caused by sucking on another person’s skin
High Maintenance – a person or situation that requires a significant amount
of effort or attention
HIV – the viral precursor to the disease AIDS, transmitted through blood or
semen, intravenously or by intimate sexual contact
Homosexual – a person who is attracted to the same sex
Hooker – a prostitute
Hormones – secretions in your body that regulate your moods and
subsequently your choice of activity
Hyperthyroid – a physical condition where the thyroid gland produces too
much thyroid hormone
Hypocritical – a person whose actions are the opposite of their beliefs
Hypoglycemia – low blood sugar condition
Hypothyroid – a physical condition where the thyroid gland does not produce
enough thyroid hormone
Icon – Image, in this context means the image of the quintessential person
Idyllic – blissful and wonderful
Ill Prepared – not ready
Imperceptibly – very slight, gradual, or subtle
Imprint – a mark made by pressure
Incumbent – currently holding a specified office
Indiscriminately – lacking in judgment or selectivity
Inept – unskilled, incapable
Inexplicably – without explanation
Ingrained – deep rooted
Initially, Initiate – the start, to start
Integral – necessary to the completeness of the whole
Interchangeable – capable of replacing another
Intercourse – sex with penetration
Intimacy Abuse – hurting someone emotionally or sexually
Intuition – a direct perception of truth using the mind
Investment – an amount or quantity of time or money given to a situation,
person or activity
Irony, Ironically – an outcome of events or words contrary to what was
expected
Issue – a topic or circumstance or discussion
Jellyfish – a gelatinous mass that lives in the sea and stings to protect itself
Jerk Off – the act of masturbating, stroking a man’s penis
Jimmy Kimmel – late night talk show host
Johnny Depp – SUPERHOT actor
Jumping Off Point – a starting point
Junky – one who has an insatiable interest or devotion
Kegel, Kegel Muscles – pelvic muscles used to increase sexual pleasure and to
control incontinence
Key – important
Labia – the liplike part of a woman’s genitals
Lambskin – made from the skin of a lamb
Latex – rubber
Leftovers – food that remains from the previous meals
Libido – sex drive
Lie Of Omission – when you could tell the truth but say nothing instead
Lieu – instead of
Lifeline – the crease on a palm which begins at the wrist and continues with
dissecting heart and head lines up to just under the fingers
Literally – actually, without exaggeration
Loony – lunatic; insane
Low Maintenance – a person or circumstance that requires very little effort or
attention
Lube – short for lubricant
Lubricant – a slippery substance, oil or water based which enhances sexual
pleasure
Lubricate – to make slippery
Mad Dog Eye – a very mean, intimidating look
Magic, as in where the magic happens – means sex
Maligned – showing malice or ill will
Mandate – demand without negotiation
Masturbating – the act of pleasuring yourself sexually
Mediocre – rather poor or inferior
Midlife Crisis – a period in the 40s to 50s where adults attempts to recapture
the experiences of youth through immature behavior
Migrate – to move to a new location
Misperception – to misunderstand
Mimic – to copy
Missionary Position – a sexual position where the woman is laying on her
back and the man is on top
Moderation – temperance, avoiding excesses
Molestation – to assault sexually
Monogamy – sex with one person in the context of a relationship
Morality – conforming to the rules of proper conduct
Multiple Orgasms – the ability to have many orgasms in a row
Negotiations – mutual discussion of the terms of a transaction or agreement
Obsession – dominance of one’s thoughts or feelings with a persistent desire
Ode - a ballad, a dedication
Offset – something that counterbalances
Old School – supportive of a past custom
Omission – to leave something out
One Night Stand – when you have sex with someone the night you meet them
and don’t end up involved in a relationship with them
Oozes – seeps uncontrollably
Oprah – famous famous famous talk show host
Oral Sex or Oral – when you use your mouth to stimulate another person’s
sex organs
Organ – another term for a sexual appendage like the penis
Orgasm – the physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of
sexual stimulation to a man’s or woman’s sexual organs; for men it is
accompanied by ejaculation
Orgy, Orgies – sex where more than three people are participants
Origami – Asian artistry where small squares of paper are folded into objects
like flowers or animals
Orlando Bloom – HOT actor
Package – in this book it refers to the penis, balls and scrotum on a man
Paper Covers Rock – part of the rock, paper, scissors game
Parable – a story told to illustrate some other truth in life
Patented – when an act or object is registered by the inventor
Pathological – acting without conscience or recognition of consequence
Paulina Porizkova – a supermodel from the 80s
Pects – pectoral areas; the muscles around the breast area
Pedigree – certification that someone or something is of a certain class
Perimenopause – the window of time, usually about 15 years before a woman
enters menopause, where the symptoms of menopause come and go
Personal Resources – your spirit, your inner emotions
Pervasive – to spread throughout all parts
Philosophical, Philosophy – an investigation of the truths or being, knowledge
and conduct
Phys. Ed., P.E. – Physical Education
Physics, as in Laws of – combinations of philosophy and scientific fact in
which the result is traceable
Pisses, as in he pisses me off – angers
Play Action – in this book it’s another term for sex
Play Him Out – a term used in fishing to denote that while you have already
caught the fish on your hook, you let him swim away with your line attached
to him creating the delusion for the fish that he’s still free
PMS – Premenstrual Syndrome, it is a change in a woman’s hormones and
personality which occurs in the week before she menstruates (has her period)
Poignantly – affecting or moving the emotions
Poker – a card game where gambling is usually involved
Porn – short for pornography
Porn Star -someone who has sex on film for a living
Posse – a gang of people committed to the same illicit goal
Post Coitally – the period of time right after sex
Preclude – preventing the occurrence of
Predetermined – to settle or decide in advance
Predicament – problem or situation
Preexisting – to exist beforehand
Preliminary – preceding and leading up to the main part
Prerequisite – required beforehand
Primarily – mostly, originally
Primeval – pertaining to the first ages of the world
Proactive – acting in advance to offset difficulties
Proclivities – predisposition to selections
Proficient – skilled at something
Progressive – open to change
Prostate, Prostate Gland - the muscle inside of a man at the base of his
bladder which produces a secretion of liquid which is part the semen in a
man’s balls which ejaculates from his penis
Provoked – to stir up or exasperate
Pseudo - fake
Psyche – the emotional areas of the brain
Psychic – someone who can read minds, a clairvoyant
Psychological – pertaining to the mind
Pubic Area – the area surrounding the vagina or penis
Queries - questions
R Rated - not for people 18 and under; explicit, but not graphic
Rape – forced sex against the will of another
Rectal, Rectal area – the area near the rectum or asshole
Rectum – another name for your anus/asshole
Refrain – hold back
Regime – a system of rule
Reiterate – to repeat excessively
Rejuvenate – to restore to youthful vigor
Relinquish – give in, forfeit
Repulsion – to be disgusted by something until you avoid it
Resign – to give over to another’s will
Resilient – durable, able to bounce back
Resorts – changes to a more familiar method
Restraining Order – a legal document which prevents one person from
contacting or seeing another
Restraints – a device used to hold a person in place for sexual pleasure
Retrofitted – to install, fit or adapt to use with something older or outdated
Risqué – sexy, tantalizing in a sexual manner
Role Play –taking on another personality or lifestyle through dress and
behavior, in this book for the purpose of sexual stimulation
Rough Sex – actions within a sexual context which may injure the people
involved
Ruching – a method of sewing where the fabric is sewn into gathers to create
a drape
Saliva – your spit
Salma Hayek – a hot Mexican actress
Scenario – an imagined or projected sequence of events
Screw – slang for the act of having sex
Scrotum – another name for the sack of skin which contains a man’s testicles
Seamless – without interruption
Secondary – next after the first
Seduction – the act of enticing a man sexually
Seepage – dripping, discharge
Segregate – to keep separate
Selling Out – to compromise beliefs or efforts for financial gain
Semen – the fluid ejected from a man’s penis when he experiences an orgasm
Shaft – the long (hopefully rigid) area on a man’s penis which lies between the
top of his penis (the head) and his groin where the penis connects to his body
Simultaneously – at the same time
Slacker – deadbeat
Slave – in this book it means a sexually submissive person whose only goal is
to please a designated master
Sleep With Me – have sex
Slut – a sexually promiscuous person
Smug, Smugly – confident of one’s superiority
Spanking – hitting on a person’s bottom
Spelunking – exploring caves
Spirit – in this book it defines your soul
Stance – position
Standard – a level of measure for quality
STDs – Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Stiletto – a very tall, slender heel of a shoe; so slender it resembles the blade
of a stiletto knife, which was a long slender blade
Stimulate, Stimulation – to arouse to action
Stimuli – incitement, enticement, motive, or provocation
Stitch and Bitch Group – a club of women who knit and gossip
Stray In – to wander in
Strip Tease – a sensual dance meant to increase sexual desire in the audience
Submissive – unresisting or humbly obedient
Succumb – to give in to pressure
Suck – in this book to give oral sex to a man
Support Group – a group of people who have experienced the same type of
event and who meet in order to discuss it in a compassionate manner
Surfing – a sport where you ride ocean waves on a board
Sustenance - nourishment
Synonymous – the same
Systematically – having and showing a method or plan
Tact – a keen sense of what is appropriate behavior
Tale Of Woe – a sad story
Technique – method, style
Testicles – the balls on a man which are in a sack of skin between his legs and
underneath his penis
Threesome – sex where three people are participants
Thyroid – a gland in your neck that works in conjunction with your pituitary
gland to regulate the functions of your circulatory system
Toxic - poison
Toys – in this book it means objects used to enhance sexual experience such
as vibrators, cock rings, dildos, benoit balls
Tracks – musical listings
Tramp – an overly promiscuous woman
Transition – the period in between what was and change
Trauma – the physical or emotional damage of a shocking experience
Trifecta – a system of betting where a person picks the first three winners
Turn Off – a sexual or personal action that offends you
Undertake – to try to do something successfully
Unfailingly – completely dependable
Universe – in this book it can mean God, Buddha, Mohammed, destiny or fate
Unpleasantries – things that are unpleasant
Unresolved – not finished, not discussed to a conclusion
Urethra – the part of your body that goes from your bladder to where you pee
out urine; on a man it’s a tube, on a woman it’s a little nubby area of flesh
between her labia
Urine – pee
Vamp look – the highly dramatically made up look of actresses from the 30s;
pale skin, dark eye and lip makeup
Vanessa Williams – HOT actress, former Miss America
Vehemently – insisted upon strongly
Via – by way of
Viable – worthy, sound, having worth
Vibe – an emotional connection between two or more people that enhances
all shared experiences
Vibrator – a battery operated machine that is sized and shaped to resemble a
man’s penis
Vintage – representing quality from a past era
Virtually – for the most part, just about
Visualizes – to form a mental picture of
Void – a big, black, empty hole
Voyeur – someone who likes to watch other people
Watersports – term for peeing on someone for sexual pleasure
Wavelengths - in this book the mental distance between your thoughts and
his
Wayside – the side off the path you are on; off the road
Webcam – a small camera attached to your computer that allows the user to
send real time video or photographs
Whore – a slang word for a prostitute
Women’s Liberation – a movement begun in the 60s where women fought for
equal rights to men
I might like you better
If we slept together.
But there’s somethin’
In your eyes that says
maybe, that’s never.

Never say never.

Old couple walks by, as ugly as sin.


But he’s got her and she’s got him.

Never say never.

NEVER SAY NEVER, Romeo Void


IN THANKS…
to Jesus Christ, who saves me; to God for his constant
love and guidance; to my friend Dellara Baby who
inspired me to write it down; to two of the many
remarkable women I’ve known, Dion Forbes and Chimi
Onat-Texiera; to Frances and Tandy Dansby for the love
they taught me; and to my Mother for her unwavering
support and incredibly strong heart…
you’re the best editor EVER!!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR…


Leslie LaMarr makes her literary debut with this
collection of insights for women, on men. She is also
working on a fiction novel for adults. As a Libra, she
naturally loves to be in love, but will settle for amazing
sex or a great pair of shoes.

In memory of the best and the worst


relationships I have ever had.

ADDITIONAL COPIES OF THIS BOOK CAN BE


PURCHASED AT:

www.morethanwordspublishing.com

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