Fleeting Dawn

Written by: Joanna M.

============================================
PREFACE.

I stared at the mirror. I almost couldn’t believe I was here.

I splashed my face with cold water and watched it drip down my chin, hitting the
porcelain bowl of the sink in big fat drops. My face was a dark mask. A curtain pulled
over the end of a theatric. Shadowy circles under my eyes gave my face a much harsher
and paler expression then it was. The motel lighting didn’t help my ashen complexion.
I heard him stir in the adjoining room and grabbed the towel. Drying my face I reached
for my clothes to dress hurriedly; leaving the bathroom.
Tiptoeing I moved past the large motel room bed, taking his truck keys, twenty dollars
and my shoes I slipped out the door and chucked the money in my back pocket.
Only to turn back around.
Silently crossing the room I stole a gentle kiss from the sleeping man on the bed, and
breathed in deep, committing his fragrance to memory. As if it wasn’t there already.
Squaring my shoulders I left, this time without looking back.
In the truck I slumped against the steering wheel. Leaving him was the hardest thing I
would ever do, but staying would never work. I would get over him in time.
Ha! Who was I joking?
But this just wasn’t – it couldn’t work – I’d let it get out of hand – now I had to leave
before it was too late to look back. Before I ruined his life.
If only he wasn’t so perfect. If only he couldn’t have anything or anyone he wanted – if
only he’d chosen me because he cared about me – instead of because I was there.
If only – but if only’s never made reality.
Putting the truck into first I left the cold motel parking lot as the gray dawn pricked a vast
Texas sky. Feeling just as bleak and empty as the February day predicted.
Ten minutes later I was back at the bar, where last night had started, I located my car in
the almost empty lot and parked his pick up truck beside it. Before leaving I let the
engine of my mustang idle to warm while I pulled out my cell phone and sent him a text
message.
“Your truck is at Beb’s.”
Dialed his cell phone number by memory and punched the send button.
I left the bar and turned right.
Sitting at the red light I squeezed my eyes shut to forget about last night.
How was I to know that last night would come back to me over and over in a way I
never even suspected?

CHAPTER 1.
“Jack, he won’t stop crying.” My sister’s voice echoed from the foot of the stairs.
Groggily I swung my legs out of bed and stumbled out to the hall, she was
approaching my room, “Here, I’ll take him now. Thanks for watching him.” I reached for
my son my nap had certainly been cut short.
Gage was only six months old but it felt like I hadn’t slept in three years.
I cuddled him close and his tears subsided. I began crooning a lullaby to him out of
habit. Pacing the hall I sang. He drifted off slowly. His weight getting heavier and heavier
in my arms as he sagged against me.
When he slept I laid him carefully on my bed and yawned. I wanted nothing more then to
lay down again and cuddle up next to him and sleep for three hours. But a large stack of
clean laundry was piled in the rocking chair, needing to be folded, and the dirty laundry
was scattered about the floor.
I scooted them all into piles to be done after I straightened the room. My movements
slightly lethargic.
Careful not to wake Gage up I made the bed and straightened the side tables. They
collected a lot of junk somehow.
With my mind elsewhere my hands moved restlessly from object to object, trying to
constitute some sort of order to my things. Gage had been teething worse lately and I was
at my wits end on soothing his gums. The medications from the drug store downtown
weren’t providing him with much relief.
My cell phone vibrated from somewhere on the dresser and I went in search of it.
Surprised it hadn’t been shut off yet – I had been late with the payments for almost two
weeks.
“Ello?” My voice was too tired to seem sparked.
“Jack?” My best friend’s voice was bouncy and lively as ever, sending a stab of jealousy
under my skin. “The gang is headed out tonight for some party life – care to hang with
us?” She was excited, vaguely I wondered what was up, “Pleaseee.” She whined in her
most convincing whine.
I smiled despite myself, “Andy, you know I can’t.” I shrugged to myself.
“Why not?” She was pouting now. “You’re always stuck in the prison. Gage isn’t like
handcuffs or anything. He does sleep.”
“Umm.” I tried to sound agreeing. He certainly wasn’t doing much of the sleeping thing
lately, but Andy didn’t need to be bothered with my problems – it wasn’t like she’d been
irresponsible and had a baby to tie her down. “Go ahead and y’all have fun tonight. I’ll be
thinking about you.” I promised.
“I won’t take no for an answer, Jack, tonight you’re going with us. I’ll arrange for a baby
sitter if you can’t get Lisa to do it.” Andy’s voice wasn’t pleading anymore, it was
demanding.
I sighed, I didn’t have the time to argue with her, “I’ll see what I can do.” I agreed
vaguely.
When she hung up she sounded confident I would comply, it was Lisa she should have
considered – where my sister was concerned, nothing was with confidence.
I couldn’t have asked for a better aunt for my son, but when it came to me – we had our
differences.
As if called she appeared at the door, and looked in, her eyes darting to the bed, “Oh. I
thought I heard you talking. I was going to offer to get Gage his supper.”
I glanced at her, her eyes were on Gage again, I might as well get it over with.
“Lis – “ I paused, she looked to me, I tried to read the expression in her eyes, but her
face was blank, I had no idea if she was in a good mood, “Andy was wanting me to go
out with her tonight, for some girl bonding time. I was wondering if you would mind-”
I sighed, “Mind babysitting Gage while I’m out. I’ll pay you.” I added hurriedly.
Lisa’s eyes narrowed, her blank expression quickly shifting to scorn, “Sure, I’ll take
good care of your son while you go play.” She turned on her heel with a shrug and left the
room.
Shoot. Why did she make me feel so guilty? It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried to get out of
going. And I hadn’t been out with Andy in forever – I stopped there, whom was I trying
to convince? Myself? I had no one to make excuses to. The only one I was talking to
wasn’t going to listen. I had a very poor time of convincing myself of anything.
Andy showed up not long after I’d fed and put Gage to bed for the night, this was my
one night off of the week and I usually put it to good use by playing catch up on things
I’d put off because I was too busy. A very average excuse.
Her electrified mood was catchy and even Lisa’s dark glance didn’t make me stop to
think twice, I gave my sister a quick hug, to her surprise, and let Andy grab my hand,
towing me out the front door.
“Call me if Gage wakes up and gets cranky.” I called to Lisa over my shoulder.
She didn’t answer.
“No, don’t call. Deal with him yourself.” Andy’s laughing voice contradicted me. I rolled
my eyes but let her pull me through the door and out to her car parked on the curb.
The SUV was packed with people. I recognized vaguely everyone but the guy in the
front seat.
“Who’s that?” I nodded to the dark haired, suit-wearing misfit in the passenger seat, he
looked out of place with the rest of the dressed down crowd.
 Andy giggled, “That’s Carson. He’s the new lawyer in town.” She winked.
I narrowed my eyes at her but said nothing. Andy wouldn’t dare –
“Scoot over Carson,” Andy leaned in the window, grinning widely at him, “Our special
guest is riding shot gun.” She tugged on my hand to empathize.
He obliged but I was more hesitant to slide in on the bench seat beside him.
He said nothing, nodding once at me politely, but his subtle sent almost made me lean
closer to get a deeper whiff. What fragrance was he wearing? Instead I turned to the
window and ignored him. Watching the twilit town flash by, it occurred to me belatedly
that we were approaching the outskirts of town, “Where are we going?” I leaned forward
to ask Andy around Carson.
She grinned, “We’re hitting Houston . Come on, Jack, what did you think was going
down? That we would hang out at the bar where we work?” Her tone was so martyrdom
that I almost laughed. She made it sound like that bar was something horrid.
“Andy, Houston is an hour away!” I complained in sudden panic, “What about G-“
“Getting back?” Andy cut me off sharply, “We’ll get back in plenty of time.”
I glowered at her, “No. What about my son, Gage. What if he needs me, I can’t be an
hour away.”
Andy winced and Carson turned to stare at me. His look spoke volumes. “You’re
married?” He asked, very possibly without thinking.
I shook my head, my chin coming up a notch, “No, I’m not. Andy, stop the car. I have to
get out.”
“Andy, you didn’t mention that she was a mother –“ Carson leaned closer to my best
friend.
I stared at her in horror, “Andy – what is going on?” I demanded.
The look on my face must have convinced her I wasn’t going to buy any stupid lies. She
shrugged sheepishly, “I thought maybe you two would enjoy hanging out together.” She
bit her lip. She knew as well as I that we had clearly been over the fact that I wasn’t
interested in being set up with anyone – after the last detrimental blind date she’d tricked
me into.
My features froze, even the intense, sudden embarrassment was not enough to heat my
face. I schooled my expression to be blank, not allowing the fury to show, “Andy, pull the
car over.” I spoke low, coldly.
She sighed, “I’ll turn around and take you home.” She offered.
“No.” I said tightly, “Pull over.” I didn’t want to be in this car a moment longer. Carson
had seemed to shrink back another inch – further then when he leaned away from me,
realizing I was ‘a mother’.
Andy frowned but did as I said. I climbed out and slammed the door, Andy got out too,
“Jack, you can’t walk home.” She complained. “Look, I’m sorry. Just let me take you
home.”
I shook my head, digging for my phone, I was not interested in her apologies right now.
“Go.” I pointed in the direction of Houston.
She continued to frown, but my stubborn expression convinced her and she got back in.
I had lifted the phone to my ear after dialing for a cab, before she pulled away, shaking
her head at me in the rear view mirror.
 After sliding my phone shut I sank down to the cold concrete of the sidewalk. I shivered,
wrapping my arms around my waist, trying to hold any heat I had left, inside me. The
April air was chilly.
With a sister who thought I was a dead beat mother, with a best friend who couldn’t
respect my privacy and a son without a father, who needed enemies to make their life
worse?
Great, nice pity party you’re throwing, Jack, am I invited?
I rolled my eyes up to the darkening sky and stared at the stars slowly coming out one by
one. I tried to breathe deeply, but my lungs only slowly responded.
I thought about my life before Gage, admittedly, there was nothing strong enough to
make me want to go back, Gage was my existence now, there was nothing, in past,
present, or future that I would trade for him. But in theory it had been better. Living on
my own, an adorable three room apartment, away from my sister’s critical eyes, a good
desk job at Thetre’s and Sons. Free to date anyone, though there had been only one man
in my life who had caught my eye back then, free to hang with friends in Calcutta if I
wanted. I had no curfew and certain mile radius inflicted by the needs of a child.
Sometimes I resented the fact that I was living at home. Because I felt my sister resented
the fact. But after being laid off work while I was pregnant and then having Gage, I had
no where else to go. I hadn’t been able to afford the rent at my apartment.
I helped out as much as I could – sometimes feeling guilty that I didn’t do more – and I
worked evenings at the diner across the street, to help ends meet.
My parents were open and honest about the fact that they were glad I had chosen to
come home, but my sister was always quiet and never showed emotion, one way or the
other.
She loved Gage, and she loved taking care of him, most of the time.
My revere was cut short by the appearance of the yellow cab on the empty street. I
climbed in soberly and gave him my home address.
When I trudged in the door Lisa was rocking Gage, giving him a bottle of formula, her
eyes on the TV.
“He woke up?” I asked, my steps turning towards the living room and my son.
She looked up at me, surprise in her face, then concern briefly, “Yeah, a few minutes
ago. Why are you back so early? Is everything ok?” She peered at me.
I tried to smile but gave up on the pretenses and shook my head, “No, Lisa, no, nothing
is ok. My life sucks.” I sank to a chair, clutching my head in my hands, “I can’t even go
out with my best friend! She tries to set me up with some lawyer, without telling him I
have a kid – and you think I’m a dead beat mom, I feel like I’m living off my parents too
much – and the one thing I can’t give Gage is what everyone seems to think he needs! A
dad!” Sobs choked off my surge of words.
Lisa was silent a moment, “Jack, I don’t think you’re a dead beat mother –“ she said
slowly. “I’ve never thought that.”
I looked up, she smiled hesitantly at me. “But you –“
“Was kinda jealous.” Lisa looked down at the little boy dozing in and out on her lap,
“You’ve got a job, a son, you’re gorgeous, et cetera, et cetera and I was sort of green at
first, but you’ve been a wonderful sister and I do love you. I think you do a great job with
Gage, you should take more time out.” Her honest praise had my head spinning.
 “Lisa – I’m really glad – I mean, I’m sorry you felt that way, but I’m so glad you don’t
hate me like I thought you did!” I exclaimed, leaning forward to wrap her in a hug.
She laughed lightly, “C’mon, I never hated you! I am your sister.” She said dramatically.

Gage didn’t sleep well that night, he had a mild bout of colic and I was up with him till
midnight. When morning came I just wanted to roll back over and pretend the sun forgot
to rise. The air under my pillow, now stuffed over my head, became unbearable hot as the
bright rays made my pretenses a liar.
I pulled it off and sighed, it was time to face the day as Gage’s fussing was well a
reminder.
I threw my legs over the side of the bed and stood up, my night gown slid to the floor
with a quick movement and I grabbed the jeans on my dresser. Dressing with mechanical
motions, I went over my mental list for the day. I had work tonight. I’d planned to mow
the lawn for Dad, so he’d have a free weekend.

Andy came by as I was feeding Gage his baby mush breakfast to try to apologize again, I
was over it, and I told her as much.
“Just promise me you’ll never do it again.” I begged balefully. Spooning the mush into
Gage’s open, eager mouth.
Her smile was sheepish, “Girl Scouts honor.” She agreed.
I hugged her lightly, “Everything’s fine then.” Assuring her was easy. She never worried
about much for long. That was one thing I really liked about Andy, she was my worry
antidote.
“That stuff looks pretty disgusting.” Andy wrinkled her nose elaborately and tickled
Gage’s chin with her long fingernails.
“Tell me about it.” I narrowed my eyes in concentration, wiping the spoon across my
son’s mouth to catch what he spit out.
Andy sighed, her mouth quirking up at one corner, “I promised my brother I would take
him some coffee at the office, I’d better get on it.” Her laugh was tinkling.
She leaned down to give me another quick hug. I returned it with my free arm.
“See you at work tonight?” I tucked a strand of loose hair behind Andy’s ear as she
straightened. She knew she was forgiven completely. I never was able to hold grudges
against someone as crazy fun as my best friend.
She nodded and smiled bigger, her laughing eyes were wide with her natural enthusiasm
again, “See ya.”

Leaving Gage in my mother’s care I went out to the garage to locate the lawn mower.
Exacting a promise from Lisa on my way out to get help with raking the grass clippings
to be disposed of when I finished.
She grudgingly agreed, with a wry smile.
It took me several minutes and a few grunted expletives to get the stupid machine revved
to life. Something like a sudden lack of air supply grated against my chest as I stood up
again, I sucked in a breath but my lungs didn’t respond. They felt shallow and un-inflated
with the deep breath. I steadied my breathing and went back to the job at hand.
 The small back yard didn’t take very long to mow and I was soon calling Lisa. We
located rakes on the back porch and fell to work.
The shallow feeling in my lungs flared up again as I raked aggressively. I gripped the
rake tighter and tried to ignore the discomfort. When a burning sensation seared in my
chest I stopped and leaned on the rake handle to catch my breath. What was going on?
Was I really this out of shape?
It took me a minute to get a deep enough breath that my lungs felt they could continue
working. I glanced at Lisa, but with her back to me, she was still working, not noticing
my pause.
Pushing the little nagging worry that something was wrong with me, I cheerfully tried to
make small talk with my sister. “Lis, did you ask Connor to the Girl’s Spring Dance?” I
asked to start conversation.
She frowned, “How did you know about Connor?” He was her secret obsession, if she
was capable of obsession.
My laugh was devious and a tad bit wicked, my eyes sparkled with sudden fun, “Oh, a
little bird told me.” I hedged.
She blushed, “Oh, no. Did his sister say something?” She clutched the rake to her chest
and clapped a hand over her mouth.
I threw back my head and laughed aloud, “No, no, she didn’t. I over heard you mention
to Mum you might ask him.” I gasped when I could catch my breath.
She stuck her tongue out at me, but she was clearly relieved, “Well, no, I didn’t.
Someone else asked him first.”
“And he said yes?” I was appalled.
“Yeah, duh. It was last years prom queen.” Lisa mumbled.
I thought about that a moment, raking the last of the grass clippings to join Lisa’s pile, I
bent to hold the bag open for her to stuff the grass into.
“Well, he didn’t know you were going to ask him, I guess.”
Lisa snorted and rolled her eyes, “Like it would have mattered. He’s pretty popular. He
wouldn’t have looked at me twice.” She shrugged. “You know what I’m talking about.”
I winced, but laughed it off, “Yeah, I guess I do. We’re quite the pair of sisters, huh?
Can’t get a break.” I teased.
She shrugged, “He’s just the bankers son. I wanna marry a cowboy someday anyway.”
She said dreamily.
I shook my head in amusement, but left her to her own thoughts after that.

The afternoon stretched out before me, with plenty of housework to keep me busy while
my mother and sister were out – she’d taken Lisa out for summer clothes shopping. I’d
begged off – even though Lisa tried to convince me she wanted me to come along – I
knew she would enjoy spending the time alone with just Mum. But left alone in the house
it was harder not to think back to the strange feeling in my lungs that had suddenly flared
this afternoon. Or had it been sudden? I tried to think back, I couldn’t really remember
anything like it before. Perhaps a few times I’d had trouble pulling in a good, deep breath
lately – but nothing to notice. What if something was wrong? What would I do? Surely it
wasn’t anything dangerous. Probably not anything a good work out at the gym every
week couldn’t remedy. I smiled wryly to myself at that thought. Then I sobered, but if
something did happen to me – what about Gage –
I stopped, realizing how ridiculously paranoid I’d been getting ever since having Gage.
Shaking my head to push the train of thought aside I got busy.
I might as well start with the laundry first. There was certainly plenty of that still piling
up in my room, some of it clean, needing to be folded, the rest dirty and ready to meet the
washing machine.
I scooped up the clean laundry and set it on the bed, sat down next to it, and with a sigh
began folding. My hands where a bit shaky, pale and cool even to me, and I remembered
with a little moan that I hadn’t eaten anything for breakfast, no wonder I felt a little weak.
I gazed over at my sleeping son. Dressed in his little jeans and T-shirt, in accordance with
the Texas spring weather. He was young to be in actual clothes, but I loved buying him
outfits and dressing him up when I had the spare dollars to do so with.
Largely though, Gage’s wardrobe consisted of clothes bought by my parents. If ever an
infant was spoiled it was my infant spoiled well by his grandparents.
My eyes ran over his blonde hair, his eyes were closed, but by memory I knew they were
blue, and his set features, high cheek bones and square jaw. The cutest little boy in the
world, in my humble opinion. When I used to look at him, I’d always seen someone else
as well. But those memories had been pushed away and forcefully smothered for some
time now, and they usually stayed in their mostly forgotten place. Sometimes I would
catch myself with his memory and like a naughty school child I would blush and turn my
back on him.
I closed my eyes, ridding Jamison from my memory again. But I had his son sleeping on
the bed next to me, there was no getting him out of my life completely. I allowed myself
to contemplate that for a moment.
I didn’t want to hate Jami, I didn’t really hate him, but I didn’t like him. And I certainly
didn’t love him anymore. He had wrecked my life and not even cared to see how he’d
wrecked it.
I hadn’t even heard from him for over a year now, but Andy had told me, she said he’d
been sent over seas on an active duty mission. He’d always been honest about the fact
that being in the Marine Corps meant you had given them your soul and they had leave to
send it where they willed and when they willed.
He wasn’t around to bother me or Gage, and for that I was thankful, I’d had nightmares
for weeks after Gage was born that Jami would come back and claim his son. Those
nightmares had painted a vividly dangerous Jami. One thing was for sure, he’d never
make a good father. Protecting Gage from him was all I cared about. When my son was
old enough to want to know I would deal with it when it arose. The protective sense
burned hotter and higher in me as I thought about keeping Gage safe from his father.
Until he asked I would act as if there was nothing missing from Gage’s life – that he
never had a father – and he didn’t really. Perhaps he’d never notice – never ask –
But yet, that night would stay with me forever, the words I’d murmured as I stared into
his deep blue eyes, “the most truly blue eyes I’ve ever seen, or I’m blind.”. I shuddered.
I’d been more blind then I had dreamed.
 I put Gage down for a nap in the late afternoon before my father came home from work,
the novel on the top shelf of my bookcase was tempting but instead cleaning up Gage’s
playpen from the mess of crackers he’d made that morning took precedence.
I heard my mother’s car slow and idle out front of our house, the engine cut and two
doors slammed shut almost in unison, then I heard my Mother’s excited chatter and Lisa’s
laugh.
While Gage slept I went downstairs to help with supper.
Mother was quick to convince me that I needed to see the new pieces Lisa had gotten, so
Lisa went to change and trotted out the cotton dress, two pairs of shorts, and Stringy tops
she’d bought. Her thin – almost frail – figure set the clothes off, making her look like a
model.
“Looking really good. You’ll knock ‘em dead this summer, Lis.” I winked at her.
She rolled her eyes but blushed slightly.
“And I got this for Gage –“ My mother pulled a Blue Jean jumper out of one of the bags
and shook it out to hold it up. “It’s for a seven month old, but he’s pretty big and I think
he’ll grow into it nicely. He’ll be so cute in it.” She cooed.
My smile was condescending, silently wondering if my mother ever went to a clothing
store without coming home with something for her grandbaby.
As I washed lettuce my father came home from work. He called mother to the door as he
took of his suit coat. Kissing her he handed her a wrapped up box.
He had roses for Mum again. I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned away. It was
so beautiful, but it left me so hollow inside.
“Oh, Denver!” Mum’s voice carried softly to us. I knew she was hugging him now, and
then would put the roses in a vase on the table.
Daddy came to the sink to wash up, “Hello daughter, how’s my grandson?” He smiled
brightly.
“Asleep.” I mumbled.
“What’s wrong, Jacky?” He dried his hands on the towel by the dishwasher and leaned
back on the counter, waiting for me to answer.
“Nothing, Daddy.” I smiled wanly, “I think Gage has just been more restless lately, and
my sleep has suffered.”
Lisa slammed the fridge door and I winced, “But Lisa has really been helping me a lot
with him.” I added quickly.
Denver patted me on the shoulder, “Cheer up, sweetheart. That little man will grow out
of it, just like you did.” He winked.
That made me smile and I nodded.
My dad opened the oven door to smell the roast and potatoes cooking inside, “Nothing
like coming home to a good meal cooking.” He grinned at my mother. Katie winked back
at him.
“Oh, Jack, guess who I saw at the florist this afternoon.” Denver snuck a piece of
cucumber that my sister was slicing.
“Who?” I asked absently.

“Jami.”
 My grip tightened around the handle of the knife in my hand till my knuckles blanched. I
swallowed loudly, so loud I was afraid everyone in the room heard me.
“Asked him how he’d been.” Denver reached for another slice of the vegetable, and took
a bite.
My whole being strained for his next words while my head screamed at me to not want
to know.
“Said he’d been let out of the Corps three weeks ago. He’s back in Littleboro for good.
Taking over his daddy’s ranch.” My dad reported.
I closed my eyes, he was back. My life had hit level ground again, and he was back to
ruin everything. But at least he wouldn’t find me, not right away, if he went looking for
me at my old apartment. If he went looking for me at all, stupid notion to think he had
used me for anything less then a one time fling –
“He asked where he could find you, Jack.” Denver went on, bringing me out of my
reverie.
My heart beat stopped.
“I told him you’d come home.”
I spun around. My mouth dropped open but no words found their way out at first. “You
told him what?” I found my voice in a rage.
My dad turned his head in surprise, “I told him you’d come home,“ He stopped short
when he saw the look on my face. “I just thought, well, I thought you might want to see
him-“ He was baffled.
“The next time I see Jamison Shjweet will be too soon!” I stormed, dropping the knife
and rushed up the stairs.
Careful not to wake Gage up I slipped into my bedroom and locked the door. I ran to the
window and fell to my knees. The tears falling hot and fast. My lungs screaming for the
air they deprived themselves of.
How could my father have betrayed me like that?
I didn’t ever want to see Jami again.
But now he knew exactly where to find me.

A gentle knock on the door made me want to plug my ears. Fighting the instinct to give
into the childish action, I rubbed away the traces of tears and went to the door, sure it was
my mother.
I slipped the bolt back with a click and opened the heavy wooden door, to my surprise it
was my sister.
She peered at me worriedly, “You ok, Jacky?” She looked up at me with her big brown
eyes.
I opened the door more, “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thanks sister.” I smiled weakly.
She came in and touched my arm, “Daddy didn’t mean to upset you… he just didn’t
realize…” she paused and bit her lip.
I stared at her. My face was blank, my emotion spent with the tears.
“Is Jami Gage’s father?” She asked in a whisper.
I clenched my jaw but said nothing. I’d never told anyone who Gage’s father was, and I
wasn’t planning on it now, for sure. I stared down at the floor.
She shook her head, “You don’t have to answer… I could see it in your eyes.” Her hug
was gentle.
 I returned the warm embrace, then sat down heavily on the bed. She sat cross-legged
beside me.
“Jacka,” She paused. I glanced at her. “Daddy didn’t mean to upset you. He didn’t
realize. The last thing he knew you still had a crush on Jami. Then the boy disappeared
and, well,” Lisa rubbed the bridge of her nose in frustration.
I bowed my head. This took a lot for my sister to say, and I understood. I had lost my
head, when I shouldn’t have. She was right, Daddy didn’t know. It sounded almost like
our rolls were reversed. The little sister soothes her big sister over a crush?
“You’re right.” I sighed. “I shouldn’t have lost it.”
Lisa smiled softly and hugged me again, she stood and moved towards the door.
“Lisa.” I said worriedly, “You’re not going to tell anyone what you think, are you?” I
fidgeted with my hands in my lap.
She smiled and shook her head, “My lips are sealed.” She made a zipping motion across
her mouth then tossed an invisible key over her shoulder.
I smiled my thanks and she was gone. Even if we didn’t always get along smoothly, and
I managed to get on her bad side once and a while, sisters were sisters and they stuck
together.
Left to think I almost panicked. Everyone would know! There was only so far you could
go to hide whom your son belongs to. Not belongs to, I corrected myself, fathered by.
Gage belonged to me! All mine! I would never give him up. Never. I vowed, clenching
my fists in anger at the unseen doom that seemed to loom on my horizon suddenly. A
hazy, ghostly fear settling in the pit of my stomach. Offense was the best defense, but
how did you defend against something you didn’t know what direction to expect it from?
How could I fight something when I didn’t know where to look for it?