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i. love song ii. delight iii. hollow iv. a mouth made of tears v. us vi. oxymoronic hearts vii. songs viii. catching busses to nowhere ix. linguistic lies x. your face holds a thousand memories xi. lonely nights xii. last year's me xiii. you are not you

Love Song If the universe should dare to tear us apart, I should cease to exist, for without him I am but a shadow of myself, a fragment of a shattered shard of glass; I need him, he is the water I drink and the air I breathe, he is my soul, he is everything, without him is not a notion I shall ever endure because to take him from me would be to take my soul, and if you take that from me I shall never be whole.

[De]light There are not enough happy words to explain how you make me feel.

Hollow I think I lost myself in-between the last time we kissed and the first time you kissed her.

A Mouth Made Of Tears I bled your name onto my pillow so when I slept I could hear it, like pressing my ear to a seashell to hear the ocean; I drown myself to sleep every night, mouthing your name.

Us Us, the catastrophic weight of the word pins me down, crushes me into the dust of tears that form your name. I breathe it out, aloud and clear. The vowels shatter in my heart, slice me up and the thought of you burns my brain alive. You. You. You. Separate; Me. Me. Me. Alone: A first person one person pronoun. You and Me. No more Us. No more plural, no couple. No love. My heart hangs itself with your name as a noose.

Oxymoronic Hearts Right now I hate you to hell and back, but I'll always love you e v e n m o r e than that.

Songs I know when I am feeling alive to the sound of music, at a gig and I'm lost in the notes of the guitarist I am only happy because it does not remind me of you. I know when I am feeling empty and dead to the sound of the songs that played me to sleep as a funeral march (after you left) it is because I can't help but wonder what would have happened if you hadn't.

Catching Busses To Nowhere I look for you on every bus that drives past on every street I walk down. Even if I'm not in the right country, I still look, hope to catch one sliver of your face like a dream, grasp it before it slips through my fingers into nothing. Sometimes I think I see you, do a double take and then my heart double drops because it's not you it's never you. It's just someone with the same hair cut or the same shoulders holding them up in the same way you would. Maybe the DNA of your bones is shared by other people. Maybe I see you in everyone, maybe you are in everyone. Maybe I make you up in other peoples DNA,

like a painter with the right shades of peach but the wrong canvas. Maybe I make you up to try and trick my heart into beating again.

Linguistic Lies Sometimes I force suffixes to lie for me, like unwilling members of a gang they got pressured into joining when they were young because they wanted to look cool, but they've signed up for life and now they're trapped telling the world about a guy I once loved only there are no past participles to be found in this heart.

your face holds a thousand memories my heart cannot look at you for over a millisecond without breaking because the you i knew left and now you are someone else, someplace else but you still look like him.

Lonely Nights All the memories of us Come flooding back like vomit; I feel sick. There's a huge lump in my throat The size of a kitchen knife, Im choking on lead tears That fall like suicide As I remember our first kiss, Then our last. I wonder where you are, now. I wonder if you ever think of me When you stay up At night, when the dark swallows the Present like a cyanide pill, And all youre left with are rusty memories Do you think of me? I wonder if you ever get so choked up You cant breathe because you Miss me so much. But I know that right now, Its 1 a.m. and youre not going

To be in your own bed; Youll be someplace else where The grass is much greener and made From cannabis. I know your lips that learnt to kiss With mine will be on someone Elses who wont kiss in Quite the right way. I know its 1 a.m. In my bed, but it doesnt feel like Home anymore. I feel like Im going to spend the rest of my life Sleeping rough, letting strange Men place their pennies in my hat Just so I can get another Sleepless night under a different quilt. And I know Ill close my eyes whenever Anyone else is inside me So I can picture you here instead. Ill spend the rest Of my days Inventing all the memories we Never got to live. Ill Drink cheap wine by the bucket With my friends and laugh When I make new enemies, But nothing Will fix the emptiness You carved into my heart When you left.

Last Years Me The truth found you eventually, Slapped you on the soles Of your feet with tiny pin needles. You hobbled for weeks in silent Denial, harbouring your green Screaming monster as though You were pregnant. He tried to find You in weak sentences but you Amputated what was left of your Heart and locked it in the freezer. You stood in sweltering heat as An ice sculpture, imagining their Juxtaposed sex and wondering how He could do this to you, hating him And her and yourself. You threw away Your blue box keys to the universe And stopped curling your hair, wore Black in a permanent funeral march. Ignored the suns attempts to cheer you Up. Kissed other lips like they Didnt taste of poison in the hope he Would see. You bared your broken, frozen Heart to the elements of night In sharp tears while he moved inside Her in some other place. It wasnt Cheating anymore but you still felt the Tear on your shrinking soul and shattered Confidence in black and white. You wrote about everything else other Than him but his eyes still found a Way to linger in your poems. You Spent hours scrolling the minefield Of his Facebook wall staring at pictures Of him and her that should have been Him and you. You let him open the freezer And thaw your heart in dream land, Only so it could be broken again In the harsh light of the morning. You built an igloo as a glass force Field in spring and tried to keep smiling Even though nothing worked. You Blamed everyone but him, including Yourself. Mainly yourself. You trapped Your emotions in jail and refused

To ever let them out. You forced Yourself to stop believing in love. And now, here I am.

you are not you you are not you anymore and that is all I know

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