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Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Hostile Inaction
You are so angry you refuse to act, and no one can ever make you do what you don't want to. This is as violent and destructive as a fist fight but so much more deniable and self-righteous. If you want to look good while doing bad, this is the approach for you, but don't be surprised if you get stuck in a long, painful, and destructive cycle.
Definitions:
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Hostile Inaction, Covert violence, Covert defiance, Stealth spite, Seeking revenge by refusing to act.
Constructive Responses:
This manipulation is difficult to defend against; the practitioners are often experts and they may not even realize how destructive their actions are. Begin by engaging them in a dialogue. Ask one of these questions: What are you thinking? What do you think? Why are you remaining silent? What would you like me to do now? www.emotionalcompetency.com/pa.htm
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What would you like me to do now? What do you see as the next step? How would you like me to react when you do that? How do you see this issue getting resolved? or simply, What is bugging you? Wait silently and patiently and listen respectfully to their response. Avoid insulting or humiliating them, but don't grovel. Keep drawing them out, encourage them to tell their story, don't interrupt, dispute, correct, roll your eyes, wince, show anger, use sarcasm, or retort. Once they are talking they are no longer passive. Work toward a respectful, responsible, and adult dialogue focused on the issue at hand. Act as peers and stay calm and focused. Take appropriate responsibility and accept blame for your contributions to the issue. Offer or accept sincere apology if that is appropriate. Alternatively, position delay to your advantage. Invite them to take their time, let you know when they are ready for the next step, and that you are in no hurry. Finally the best approach may be to simply say: I find your behavior to be passive aggressive. It is hostile and destructive to our relationship and it is not effective in resolving the issue. I would like you to take a more constructive and less hostile approach. What are you angry about? Be prepared for denial, revenge, self-righteousness, self-justification, insults, and more passive aggressive manipulations. Work together to travel down a constructive anger path.
Helping yourself
Perhaps you recognize passive aggressive behavior in yourself and you would like to change. Here are some approaches that can help: Begin by adopting more of an internal locus of controltake more responsibility for what you do and for what happens to you. Increase the candor in your communications. Confront problems and transcend conflict. Resolve your anger. Adopt a more optimistic outlook. Work toward an Authentic Humility. Adopt the simple and symmetrical agreement that I will not trample on you, and I will not be trampled upon.
References:
How to Use Power Phrases to Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, & Get What You Want, by Meryl Runion The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes , by William Ury Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People: How to Beat Them Without Joining Them , by Ronald M. Shapiro, Mark A. Jankowski, James Dale
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www.emotionalcompetency.com/pa.htm
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