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Encyclopedia GRRuMbliana


The first and only complete compendium of all, that is known of the Gurm continent. Collected by our field scientists: Oliveira8 Jjh Porkins Slynt SilentMajority Scorpiknox Krafus Iblis Sweetmartin Myrddin Spannerx Vonlent Annan Curiousorange Valardoheris The Adequate Jon Kehn r. r. nonymous Mir8212 Montage Darkgreen Flodros Aussiechris Lori Petty Geshtar Darkies22 Darkgreen Wulfred Rex Graff Revolvery Paslaugh Atrasicarius Job Fish

In the Year 15 of the new Gurm calender Anno 2011


Content: ...................................................................................................................................... 4 History ....................................................................................................................................... 6 The Funding Of The Brave Companions............................................................................. 6 Recent Events......................................................................................................................... 8 The Trial: The People vs. George R. R. Martin ............................................................ 8 Prophesies............................................................................................................................ 19 Population ................................................................................................................................ 24 GRRiMlins ......................................................................................................................... 24 Captain Hodor Caput Hodoreus ...................................................................................... 24 RetortGaiman-Rex RespondeoGaiman-Rex .................................................................. 25 Sircle Jerk (alt. spelling: Sercle Jerk) Sircularium jerkus ........................................... 26 The Holy Reader Librus Sanctus ................................................................................... 27 Parrot Proxy Repeatus Prolificus ................................................................................. 28 Wildcard GRRlemming Sycophanta Grrmartinus Enthusiasticus ................................ 29 Patient Martyr (common: Wait Watcher) Capacitus Sactimonia .................................... 31 The Blame Runner Cursor Culpa .................................................................................. 34 The Pencil of Late-Afternoon Post Meridiem Pencillus ............................................... 36 Poser Wannabes Speakmany bullshitus ......................................................................... 38 Eager Host Invitus ad nauseum...................................................................................... 39 Pseudo Scientist HocusPocus Dyscalculus.................................................................... 40 The Madden Martin Sports- it's in the blog ................................................................... 43 Know It All Knowitallus Annoyicus .............................................................................. 45 The Opinion Zombie ........................................................................................................ 46 The Lemming annoyus furryus ....................................................................................... 48 The Cruddlers Vomitus bootlickidus................................................................................ 49 Progeny Braggart Sffmoniker Inflictus ........................................................................ 50 GRRuMblers ...................................................................................................................... 51 Scorpiknox ....................................................................................................................... 51 Paslaugh .......................................................................................................................... 51 Moose ............................................................................................................................... 51 Slynt ................................................................................................................................ 52 Kael Edin ......................................................................................................................... 52 Robotosaur ....................................................................................................................... 52 Flodros............................................................................................................................. 52 RolandOFGilead............................................................................................................. 53 scottishtroy ........................................................................................................................ 53 silentmajority .................................................................................................................... 53 Annan ............................................................................................................................... 54 Graff ................................................................................................................................. 54 kehnonymous .................................................................................................................... 54 jjh ...................................................................................................................................... 55 aussiechris ........................................................................................................................ 55 morandir ........................................................................................................................... 55 saucerhead ......................................................................................................................... 56 darkgreen .......................................................................................................................... 56 -4-

Geshtar ............................................................................................................................. 57 Rex ................................................................................................................................... 57 Darkies22......................................................................................................................... 58 Wulfred............................................................................................................................. 58 Culture and Art ........................................................................................................................ 59 Novels .................................................................................................................................. 59 A Feast For Trolls ......................................................................................................... 60 A Dance With Detractors............................................................................................... 150 Newspapers and Periodicals ............................................................................................. 182 Poetry................................................................................................................................. 184 Christmas Carols ........................................................................................................... 184 Haikus ............................................................................................................................ 190 Everything Else .............................................................................................................. 199 Graphic Art and Paintings................................................................................................. 200 Movies ................................................................................................................................ 222 Language................................................................................................................................ 223 GRRM/GRRiMlin - to - English Translator .............................................................. 223 Currency ................................................................................................................................. 231 The Food................................................................................................................................ 232 Leo Tyrell: Stuffed Roast Pork with Plum Sauce .......................................................... 232 Robotosaur – Hot Spiced Wine ......................................................................................... 233 Cersei: Herb-crusted Pike ................................................................................................. 234 Arianne Martell: Stuffed Grape Leaves ............................................................................ 235 Daenerys: Honeyed Duck with Orange Peppers ............................................................... 237 Jon: Mutton Stew ............................................................................................................. 239 Arya: Pumpkin Soup ........................................................................................................ 240 Sansa: Salad, Snails and Clay-baked Trout ................................................................... 241 Jjh - Sansa: Lemon Cakes ............................................................................................... 243 Jon: Roast Lamb Rack With A Crust Of Herbs ............................................................. 244 Tyrion: Oxtail Soup, Summer Greens Salad, Crab Pie, Sqash and Butter Quails..... 245 Tyrion: Goose Stuffed ... With Mulberry Sauce and ... ................................................... 248 Bran: A Feast At Winterfell, Part I: Venison Pie ......................................................... 249 Bran: A Feast At Winterfell, Part II: Honeyed Mutton Chops .................................... 250 Bran: A Feast At Winterfell, Part III: Roast Pigeon ................................................. 251 Geshtar - Generic Westeros Stew for the Smallfolk ........................................................ 252 Renly's Tourney, Part I: Tiny Fish in Salt Crust ........................................................ 253 Renly's Tourney, Part II: Venison stewed in Beer ........................................................ 254 Arya: Mutton With Mushrooms ........................................................................................ 255 Tyrion: Gammon Steaks ................................................................................................... 256 Tyrion: Something Dornish with Onion, Cheese and Eggs ............................................. 257 Tyrion: Pork Tenderloin in Puff Pastry ......................................................................... 258 Joffrey: The Wedding Feast, Course I: Creamy Soup of Mushrooms and Buttered Snails................................................................................................................................. 259 Joffrey: The Wedding Feast, Course II: Pastry Coffin with Pork, Egg and Pine Nuts ............................................................................................................................................ 260 Joffrey: The Wedding Feast, Course III: Intermezzo ................................................... 261 Joffrey: The Wedding Feast, Course IV: Almond Crusted Trout .................................. 263 Joffrey: The Wedding Feast, Course V: Roast Heron .................................................... 264 -5-

but maybe it can get it's own special place here. there was still a large drop off in quality compared to what George had published before. I can't do this myself because my memory isn't that good. after having read George's To My Detractors speech. Up until this point. When I buy a book. or an IsWinterComing Wiki. Seriously. I always leaf through it first. __________ I came late to the "GRRM-Wait-A-Thon". My thought is that if everyone explains how they got here we can piece together a pretty accurate "History of" post. but after a couple years I did grow frustrated with him. So no matter how you spin it. but I still enjoyed the novel because it had interesting characters and an intriguing story. however. I'll give it its own page over at GRRuMblers. Set aside your "lurking" label for at least one day. I immediately discovered George's "disclaimer" in the back. separate from ASoIaF. My wait was just beginning. I didn't find these characters interesting. Only a promise saying. I'd still find them uninteresting. post a "small update" every once and a while. I had finished A Storm of Swords about a month before A Feast for Crow was released. I purchased it immediately. so I'm going to rely on many of you for help. he could at the very least. you would think that after being tardy for several years. Granted it won't be on Wikipedia. some of whom have been reading since the very beginning. After all they had already waited 5-years for their favorite characters. and because of that. If those characters were in a brand new series. I had only followed Robert Jordan's blog. February 2009. Regardless we were only one year removed from the publication of A Dance with Dragons. and I've never actually "hated" George. so I probably enjoyed the book more so than others. and read the dedications. I sat down and -6- .History The Funding Of The Brave Companions Recorded by silentmajority This is the first part of what I hope will eventually become: "The History of IsWinterComing" . just wait a little longer". I still think his little "disclaimer" should have been on one of the first pages in the book. and tell us how you found this forum. You can read my summary in all it's bloated glory here. but for many others it must have felt like it never ended. but I disagree. "I'm almost done. Shawn Speakman has went on record saying that people "dislike" Feast because it lacked everyones favorite characters. This request also goes out to all the lurkers here. In Feast we get new characters and new POV's. and when it was. acknowledgments and stuff of that nature. or my preferred edited version over at GRRuMblers. but now I checked George's "Not A" blog every day. I wasn't always disgruntled. even though Feast is still better than most fantasy published today. My expectations for the book changed because of that discovery. eagerly anticipating his announcement. This was also the time that George's Not-a-blog went online. or at the very least. rushed out for Feast only to discover that they weren't in the book at all. When I first picked up A Game of Thrones I had no favorite characters.

Aside from the one person that we had to ban. there really has never been a flamewar on this site. GRRM threads as proof of our intolerance. Check it out: http://slynt. I wasn't sure how it would be received. I remember that Oliveira was the first to respond with this: (Click on the Thumbnail) Despite what many people say about this forum. The truth is that we police ourselves. I'll probably join up here sometime soon when I get a chance. my friends. From there on out. You can read Imagine if ASoIaF was a restaurant at GRRuMblers. and point to the Shawn Speakman. but I decided not to because even then dissent wasn't welcome. I stumbled upon Finish the Book George. On January 25. and all the fantasy forums shunned. is because before the Slynt boards there was really no place to go to express your frustration. we like to debate.wrote an analogy about the wait. I was somewhat reluctant to post it because of the courser nature of the forum. Originally.that too is a story for others to tell. I dug up that old analogy. and I have either Adam or Pat to thank for that because they were the ones who linked to FTBG. Why you may ask. FTBG. the Slynt boards in the beginning. I still can't decide if it should be "was a restaurant" or "were a restaurant". I decided just to store it on my computer.. I would visit the NAB. but we don't harass. I decided that if I was ever going to post my analogy this was the only place to post it. After all it seemed a little out of place next to thread titles such as. To be 100% honest. Blogs aren't the ideal place to have conversations. Instead of posting it. I feel like I'm good at naming my articles. and what happened to the old Slynt boards? That. I was planning on posting it over at Westeros. Now the reason for that I think. It was written.cgi You'll notice that the URL is different. that had been sitting on my computer for close to a year. I think that about says it all about the people here. it is a pretty tight-knit and polite community. and that's because this is the second forum. the forum was known as the Forum of the Brave Companions.proboards. and revised it a little. From here on out. Why was that? Perhaps it was because there was a certain amount of respect for each member of the forum. I'll refer to the old board as the Slynt Boards. but I've never been able to come up with a good one for this post. 2010. Read more: -7- . is a story for others to tell.. either way I still think this is one of the better articles that I've written. On the old Slynt boards we probably had the most polite discussion about whether God did or did not exist. were closer to the "Something Awful" thread than what your probably used to reading here. and sometimes banned people who expressed frustration. A lot of the people who posted back then no longer post here. or another forum that I frequented. "Does Ty Suck George's Dick?". really mad. Until then. more or less just for me that was a true discovery. and The Slothenly Author. KrKeuk posted this on his blog: Quote: FTBG reader Slynt has created a message board for people to discuss George's tardy writing. One of my first memories was that Slynt was really. Along the way. Some people will scoff at that for sure. it had never occurred to me that there was a growing sense of frustration out there.

although I do regularly get emails from people eager to point out the latest URL where DANCE and I are being hashed over. -8- . as some of you like to point out in your emails. George R. and you don't want me to "pull a Robert Jordan" on you and deny you your book. defending me. You really don't want me working on that. Thanks for your support). Slynt: in comment of ‘To My Detractors: (If you are not one of my detractors. and posting about it here. when I should be home working on A DANCE WITH DRAGONS. and I can screen the trollish comments here on LJ. Evidence: Shows no interest in an honest discussion. the games. everywhere I look (and lots of places where I don't). You don't want me "wasting time" on those. I am sixty years old and fat. teaching workshops. the rising tide of venom about the lateness of A DANCE WITH DRAGONS has gotten pretty discouraging. using me as a bad example of something or other. and you get angry when I post about them here. LJ comments. Evidence: He admits to not comprehending why Wild Cards is his most hated project. Some of you are angry about the miniatures. More wasting time. or talking about them here. message boards. but there's no avoiding the emails. Some of you hate my other projects. "wasting time" on that. this is not about you. I can and do avoid most of the online discussions. You don't want me "wasting time" on the NFL. the swords. Evidence: GRRM believes fans don't want him to do his "other stuff" while the point is fans want him to prioritize ADWD before his other stuff. Evidence: He knows that people are (over)eager about "ADWD" yet he seldom gives any updates. the resin busts. After all. I can do that. Emails. You don't want me co-editing WARRIORS or the Vance anthology or STAR-CROSSED LOVERS or any of the other projects I'm doing with my old friend Gardner Dozois.Recent Events The Trial: The People vs. or talking about it here. and if he does. or visiting places like Spain and Portugal (last year) or Finland (this year). touring and doing promo. blogs. they are annoyingly vague. whatever.I have to admit. which if he was honestly working as best as he could. Martin A Decade has gone by … and there’s no end in sight – a compilation of all evidence that Not-An-Author has other priorities than ASoIaF. wouldn't be a problem. the people who hate those projects seem to hate WILD CARDS even more. Some of you don't want me attending conventions. Evidence: He admits he knows it is a problem yet he continues to flog his merch. Some of you are angry that I watch football during the fall. For reasons I don't quite comprehend. R. people seem to be attacking me. Which I take as him having no fucking clue as to what that particular series of books actually have become: A symbol of the decline of his relationship with his fans.

(Well.Okay. I've got the message. maybe it's okay if I take a leak once in a while?) Evidence: Considering all that has followed since this post. Ever. Read more: You don't want me doing anything except A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE.proboards. GRRM has NOT gotten the message.cgi?board=ftbg&action=display&thread=433#ixz z1C3jhsiLE -9- .

2001.. can't find the thread so the link above is to the original site. HONEST. The very minute the book is done and delivered.. Once from three to four. I am still writing it. 2003. book No. IT'S NOT DONE YET. March 18th: The complete number of books ASoIaF shall have Quote: I have changed twice. But IT ENDS THERE! SIX! SIX! SIX! 2001: Interview and Travel-Plans Quote: George's future plans include appearing at the Boskone (Mass. . Devotees of his mythical world will just have to wait. It has a little tear there somewhere . He is currently working on A DANCE WITH DRAGONS. 2003. December 27th(2) Quote: YES. September 22nd(2) Quote: I'M SORRY. I'M STILL WORKING ON IT.. September 27th(2) The Dance With Detractors begins . "The Dance with Dragons" is only a few months along. Please stop emailing me to ask. A DANCE FOR DRAGONS will be book five. November 30th(2) Quote: Book four is now titled A FEAST FOR CROWS.. alas.the complete series Quote: If I stay on schedule. then four to six. It should be out in fall.10 - . I don't know when it will be out. 2002. STILL NOT DONE YET. 2002. there was a small boy (GRRM)(4) porkins dug out that one . See the links to both on his website. book four in the SONG OF ICE AND FIRE series. 2002. April 11th: The Night Is Dark And Full Of Terrors Quote: And sorry. Quote: Book four is now titled A FEAST FOR CROWS.Fish – From 1996-2010 – Quotes and Other Facts In the beginning.. and he will also be at Worldcon in Philadelphia come Labor Day. February 12th(2) Quote: STILL SORRY. November 21st: About The Finishing Date of ASoIaF .. I ought to finsish A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE by the end of 1998 1999. 1996. I will announce it here.) conference in February. 2001. and neither does anyone else. 4.

... 2002-2010.His Watergate Affair Ever wondered what all this 'waterlogged' merchandise jokes are about? valardohaeris summed it up . 2009. ALAS. There's good news on that front too -. March 7th to 2010. but the big one is A DANCE WITH DRAGONS. ALAS. to be continued.A DANCE WITH DRAGONS is half-done!!! A New Age begins and we get more insight on what HE is actually (not) doing: 2005-2009 Meanwhile. July 22nd .11 - . in hopes of wrapping it up by the end of the year There is more . 2005. on NAB 2006. Year 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 Events 7 8 5 7 3 7 Days 37 25 15 28 53 36 (3) 2007....the date in the post.. I am getting back to work. however is January 2004. His Dark Conventions and Holidays In this thread Lori Petty has kept a journal of HIS (dis)appearences. June 16th: On The Progress .. of AFfC Quote: MORE PAGES. he has occasionally been editing the date .Name The Child: Detractor Quote: . STILL NOT DONE.Please note that the first page on the archives dates as of 20031227 . this thread carefully. 2004. May 29th: Miracles Quote: It's Done!!! .make sure you click on the link named '*sort of'. and I am going to be pushing hard on that in the weeks and months to come. Quote: As for me. February 19th . thejewgernaut made a summary . October 17th Quote: I have half a dozen different projects on my plate.

The Bear and The Maiden Fair(1) Quote: More than four hundred comments on the DWD posting. Read more: http://iswintercoming. and more every time I glance at it. the rising tide of venom about the lateness of A DANCE WITH DRAGONS has gotten pretty discouraging 2009..proboards. I can hardly keep up with the unscreening. This covers 2010. Five Years After .cgi?board=ftbg&action=display&thread=433#ixz z1C3kkPTlL .. AFfC 5 years is a long time . HIS Online Reservations(1) Slynt summarised all the entries of NAB that actually have to do with ADWD. Febuary 20th - . you know? 2010.I have to admit. 2010.. want to know what we've been doing? We have a real live.

then bail out of it? As a former fraternity vice president. And George's idea of everyone paying equal in part to the total sum is so brilliant and amazing I got to give him props. this brings back a lot of bad memories. I'd like to apologize for the cancellation of the pizza crawl.13 - . etc. so please bear with me if I violate any rules of posting. inviting one and all. He simply realized he stepped in a huge steaming pile of dog shit of his own creation and said fuck it. and that they're "sad" and feel "guilty. let alone indulge in the greasy goodness of many slices.) Yeah. set up the event you started yourself instead of letting us poor peons do it for you. George began by musing about a "pizza crawl" on his blog. I promise the next time he's in this part of the country he'll do his best to re-organize the Pizza Crawl. then dump the planning on the locals. not pay their share. and I would hate for them to get to New Haven and find no other GRRM/pizza fans waiting outside the Modern or whatever. If you have any contact information for other people who were planning on coming to the crawl. and leave the last poor sod at the end of the bill (usually me) hanging in the wind and having to cover their asses while dealing with an angry waitress/manager. Someone would order a whole pie then duck out to bring it home "Oh yeah.Geshtar . w/ girlfriends/random people." However. please let them know immediately of the cancellation. then call out some poor dude by name and make him be in charge of the clusterfuck. logistics quickly spiraled out of control and delegation was in order. I know you haven't lived there for a long time so you can't be arsed to do something like. just in to say hi. Pimp this whole deal out. I know there were people coming from far and wide. If you can stomach the disgusting ass-kissing in the comments. He feels very guilty that there's so many folks who were looking forward to this evening and he's been felled by a mere virus." some would just simply get out of line and not pay.The 2008 Pizza Crawl Event Do a content search (Cltrl F) with the word pizza and you'll get there. This ordeal is a classic example of how George treats his fans. having the peons contact the peons and letting them know the event is now off. maybe someone ordered three pints of 6$ Guiness on draft. here's one from Parris: this is Parris I don't have an LJ account. I think he straight up lied about being sick. gotta bring dinner back to the fam. He tried to get up and prepare for travel this morning. I dunno. (People are weasels. but George is just too dang sick to travel today. and even stating "the more the merrier. We were both looking forward to meeting more friends. don't worry. Parris Isn't that big of them." . and send our apologies and regrets to all. let the peasant folk deal. there are a few gems. If he doesn't get notably better by this afternoon. Guys would show up to events like this unannounced. some of us have to live in the real world. but he's just too weak. and enjoying many slices of great pizza. george. I will have the hotel send a doctor up to check him out.

And one from the peasant George appointed as the M. I still plan to leave my place at 2:30 and head to Pepe's and Modern to make sure that people know the bad - . of the pizza crawl: CANCELLATION: e-mail and pizza I've sent out an e-mail to as many people as I could (hopefully).C.cgi?board=ftbg&action=display&thread=433#ixz z1C3nNOROx . -Zen Blade (Dennis) Read more: http://iswintercoming.proboards.

. At this point he wasn't positive that he would have to skip now infamous. as we don’t get a new deadline. http://web.15 - . and -.georgerrmartin.livejournal. His fans are kept waiting with baited breath. one and a half month later than promised. Everybody rejoices. So we are waiting for ADWD in 2006. who only made two posts. so the fans are kept relative optimistic. Remember how close he was before Christmas. in hopes of wrapping it up by the end of the That is actually only 2 months. and I am going to be pushing hard on that in the weeks and months to come. and we are still waiting. Book done: 2006 New update in January 2006.georgerrmartin. we don’t get a “____ off this will take years attitude”. “I have half a dozen different projects on my plate. In June we get this: It all began with back in May 2005 with “It’s Done *sort of” http://www.archive. even if the book is already delayed. He MUST be very close. Some interesting facts here. But this is a very effective documentation of George's missed predictions dating back to 2005.html Book done: 2006. http://web. and he may have to skip Worldcon. As a fun fact I found a prediction from Werthead. 2006 is coming to it’s end. but the big one is A DANCE WITH DRAGONS.html This is the George we know and love.georgerrmartin.html Albeit a little bit careful with his wording. the web’s greatest GRRM “expert” and apologizer. GRRM still believe he may make it before years end. On the other hand. Fish's recent digging around could probably supplement this with pre-2005 predictions.” http://grrm. and GRRM had decided to split it in 2 by POV’s. Done by end of 2006 As we all prologue in AFFC promising ADWD next year. including the number of pages already done and his intentions of picking up some of the character from Feast. http://web. In February 2007 we get a new official release.A DANCE WITH DRAGONS is half-done!!! This was later followed up with his. from March 2007: “Optimistic Mood: October/November 2007 (UK/US release) Cynical Mood: March/April 2008” Book done: Soon The fans are hoping he will be done before going to Japan.archive. No more info is forthcoming and his loyal fans soon realize that a 2006 release is out of the The writing is not going as fast as he hoped GRRM didn’t finish it by the end of the year. It seems like George have learned. In October GRRM decides to update us Book done: by end of 2006 In October we also got a new official update.html Feast had grown to big. so we were all thinking that even if he missed Worldcon he would definitely be done by the end of the year.Revolvery (and Job) – Missed Predictions This compilation was done by user "Job" over at the Brooks We would get Feast.

html Book done : Before leaving on the European trip (end of June) GRRM is still confident he can do it by end of June. confirming the end of June 2008 date http://grrm.proboards. June 25th. This must be it. GRRM has said he hopes now to finish ADWD by the end of the year and to complete The Winds of Winter in three years. Time for a new done by June Just a few months left. That is just 3 months http://grrm. I didn't finish the novel.2008. Have we heard this before ? I'm pretty sure he will miss this dead-line also Read more: http://iswintercoming. While GRRM mentions ADWD now and then on his NAB. What is Ty doing. As we now know.16 - .html Book done : June 2009. he didn't finish before his World Tours. GRRM is not happy. though not for want of trying. In January 2008. his editors is excepting the manuscript soon. It seems some people are sending him nasty e-mails. Wert spreads a rumour that GRRM was "disappointed not to have finished the book before attending Clarion". Now it's 5 chapters left and finish before end of year.” No new estimate. “No. In 2010 the buzz is stronger than ever.2008 And a new Our hopes are GRRM post optimistic posts on NAB.livejournal.2007 goes by. we finally get a new official update (which also is his last): http://georgerrmartin.livejournal. February Book done : End of June. Nothing to be done about that but push on when I return. anyway ? http://grrm.” Book done : End of 2009. we don’t get any new estimates.cgi?board=ftbg&action=display&thread=433#ixz z1C3o4Af3l . but he was sooo close. June 2009 "In an interview with Finnish website Helsingin

Graff – All His Side Projects Editor: Wild Cards: Death Draws Five (2006) Wild Cards: Inside Straight (2008) Wild Cards: Busted Flush (2008) Wild Cards: Suicide Kings (2009) Songs of Love and Death (2010) Wild Cards: Fort Freak (upcoming) Editor & Contributor: Songs of the Dying Earth (2009) Warriors (2010) Down These Strange Streets (upcoming) Contributor: Hunter's Run (2007) Suvudu Cage Match (2010) Television Credits (story.17 - . producer. audition-tape reviewer): A Game of Thrones (2009-present) The Skin Trade (upcoming) Television Credits (teleplay): A Game of Thrones pilot (filmed 2009 & 2010) A Game of Thrones Episode 8 (filmed 2010) The Skin Trade (upcoming) ---I don't know how involved Martin is with the following. Reissues: The Ice Dragon (2006) Dreamsongs (2006 & 2007) Wild Cards I (2010) Comic Adaptations: The Adventures of Dune & Egg II: The Sworn Sword (2009) Wild Cards: The Hard Call (2010) Fevre Dream (2010) Doorways (upcoming) RPGs: Wild Cards Campaign Setting (2008) SIFRP Quick-Start by Green Ronin (2008) Wild Cards: All-In (2009?) SIFRP rulebook (2009) Peril at King's Landing (2009) Wedding Knight (2009) A Song of Ice and Fire Campaign Guide (2010) Wild Cards: Aces and Jokers (2010) ASoIaF Chronicle Starter (upcoming) Computer Games: A Game of Thrones RTS (upcoming) A Game of Thrones RPG (upcoming) . Typically these are done "in collaboration with George RR Martin" or somesuch but I suppose that could mean anything from daily phone calls to merely signing off on the project when it's done. creator.

Miniatures: Testor Ruby Ford diorama 2006 Valyrian Resin busts/statues (2007-present) Dark Sword Miniatures (2007-present) Replica Valyrian Valyrian Valyrian Valyrian Swords: Steel Longclaw (2008) Steel Needle (2010) Steel Damascus SE Longclaw (2010) Steel Ice (upcoming) ETA: Calendars: Ice and Fire 2009 Calendar (2008) Ice and Fire 2011 Calendar (2010) Ice and Fire 2012 Calendar (upcoming) Coffee Table Books: World of Ice and Fire (upcoming. largely done before AFfC IIRC) Read more: http://iswintercoming.18 - .com/index.proboards.cgi?board=ftbg&action=display&thread=433#ixz z1C3pqh6GY .

2010 roland -> October 15. 2010 Rex -> November 8. 2010 . 2011) --------------------------------------.19 - . 2010 Rex -> December 9. 2010 jjh -> August 27. 2010 moose -> November 19.. August 15. 2010 lazaegal -> August 12.Prophesies (submitted by jjh) ADWD Completion Date Predictions SUMMARY IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER (as of January 24. 2010 silentmajority -> December 12. 2010 belwasballs -> December 21. 2010 Annan -> September 28.e. 2010 Lori Petty -> "one week from today" i.2010 ---------------------------------------- curveball21 -> July 31. 2010 marktheshark -> August 29. 2010 mordan -> October 31. 2010 iblis -> September 23. 2010 scorp -> October 10.

e. 2011 (4) jjh -> March 6. 2011 ------------------------------------.20 - . by Feb. 2011 blueknight -> “within 3 weeks” (i. 2011 flodros -> March 26. 2011 aussiechris -> March 2011 serlardmartin -> March 2011 (2) Lori Petty -> half of split book done March 1. 2011 fish -> March 31. 2011 jjh ->April 6 2011 if Suvudu has another "Cage Match" (2) . 2011 The Adequate Jon -> February 27.james -> December 23. 2011 robotosaur -> winter 2010-11 (heart) moose -> February 2011 (2) weniusa -> February 2.. 2011 (3) fatandlazy -> March 22.2011 -------------------------------------darkgreen -> January 1. 2011 splitter -> April 1. 10) chart123 -> February 14. 2011 unless Suvudu has another "Cage Match"(2) moose -> March 9. 2010 flowered -> before or around the time Slynt finishes his 10th reread (December 2010) logan -> before January 1. 2011 Lori Petty -> April 2011 fetfnask -> April 1. 2011 (6) krafus -> February 19. 2011 robotosaur -> February 28. 2011 Rex -> February 14.

2011 (2) Rex -> his birthday (July 1.?) curiousorange -> June 4. 2011 Lori Petty -> November 20. 2011 release (Note: So estimated completion announcement would be around June…. April 17.21 - .com -> in time for an October 14. 2011 (2) serkenneth -> May 12. 2011 ?) Altraum -> October 7. 2011) scorp -> probably timed to coincide with the HBO premier (2) peepin -> in time for a release coinciding with the HBO premier silentmajority -> May 1. 2011 (HBO Premiere.2012 ------------------------------------- darkies22 -> 2012 KrKreuk -> 2012 missedgreyjoy -> 2012 . 2011 (3) sofakingdone -> June 16-19. 2011 scorp -> June 6. 2011 Amazon. 2011 Lori Petty -> June 30. 2011 (3) saucerhead -> late 2011 or early 2012 -----------------------------------.paslaugh/Enjoys Having Written -> April 15.

22 - . 2012 Amazon. 2012 shafty -> December 21. 2012 (2) brnmajik -> December 21. 2012 ------------------------------------. but I never did study that Mayan stuff very carefully. 2016 Lori Petty . 2031 Barnes & Noble -> in time for a 2035 release . 2012 release (2) (Note: So estimated completion announcement around August) grrmismyidol -> December 5.April 1.beyond/never/wiseass ------------------------------------- Rex -> “tonight” oliveira8 -> "tonight’s the night" job -> (((SOON))) jjh ->(((soon))) scorp -> February 14. so who am I to judge…) darkies22 -> December 24.graff -> sometime in 2012 during his not-yet-begun reread of AFfC serlardmartin -> July 1. 2012 (all these Dec. 2020 Rex -> June -> in time for a December 25. 21 guesses should probably be in the wiseass category. 2012 mordan -> December 21.

scorp -> 2525 belwasballs -> a month after George drops dead silentmajority -> timed to coincide with the premier of the fifth season of the HBO show roland -> when the Chiefs win the Super Bowl (2) somewhat -> 30 minutes before the nuclear holocaust jaquelecaque -> when Hell freezes over scorp -> as soon as all detractor web sites close (3) darkgreen -> likely never robotosaur -> maybe never (brain) KrKreuk -> possibly never Slynt -> never chuckels -> never Calendar ---------------------------------------kehnon -> September 31.proboards. 2010 SC -> February 6.cgi?board=ftbg&action=display&thread=251&pa ge=10#ixzz1C2vtcxvX . 2009 SC (2) Doug Piranha -> February - . 2011 SC Read more: http://iswintercoming.

this GRRiMlin states the Hodor...24 - .. Field Reports: Martin: "The Meereenese Knot. and not just some random name/word/noise. The best way to fend off the Captain Hodor is to replace all of his text with the word "Hodor" and then compare the Hodor text with the non-Hodor text. Is there a Fray in the knot. Sometimes this GRRiMlin will take the extra mile and distort Martin's words and start a chain reaction that will fool people caught unaware. Ignore him or preform a facepalm. Based off the famous Captain Obvious. some characters in the books believe that Hodor is actually saying something important. then you have a Captain Hodor in your hands. . You know his talk is bullshit. instead of a Fray perhaps it's a Steel knot which would require a torch. or is there a Frey in the knot? After re-reading Feist methinks the Ironborn are the cause of the knot and not the Freys. If both texts make sense. by trying to find hints of intelligence behind Martins random blog updates. most of the time you can see them lurking around updates about ADwD.. but after so long without a book you might find mentally weak. just a little. You can spot them by their own ridiculous and sometimes you will see Martin calling them out. walk away.Population GRRiMlins Description of the species of GRRiMlins Captain Hodor Caput Hodoreus By Oliveira8 This GRRiMlin will see patterns and hidden messages whenever Martin updates his blog. but whatever you do. 99% of the time there is no pattern or hidden message. As you know.may be fraying. Hence why this specie is called Captain Hodor. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? The Captain Hodor is quite the elusive GRRiMlin. So." GRRiMlin: "I wonders if the play is on words.would a dragon do?" How can I find this GRRiMlin? This GRRiMlin can usually be found on Not a Blog..

Little does he know that soon the common detractor will have the proper defence.25 - . but neither are we his" "GRRM may not be our bitch. They also usually the first or second post in "When will ADwD be released?" threads. to such silly remarks. and do show up in the most annoying times. It's usually also followed by incoherent babbling cause their tiny skulls can only contain such knowledge. It's very sad and causes bad vibe. Even though the line itself may cause many detractors to flinch. and that line used all the storage available. as the poor GRRiMlin thinks he has won the argument." "Neil Gaiman also said you can bail work to go paint your house and you won't be fired at all.RetortGaimanRetortGaiman-Rex RespondeoGaimanRespondeoGaiman-Rex By Oliveira8 This GRRiMlin will use Neil Gaiman's "witty" line "GRRM is not your bitch" every time an opportunity appears. but apparently you are his. An ensemble of MiT scientists and 2 Asgard volunteers. . How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? It's quite simple in the matter of fact. Use one of the following: "GRRM may not be our bitch." If you have other "I trumped your "IWIN" card go back from where you came from" line please do inform us. have decided that the babbling that follows up the line is actually gloating. the RetortGaiman-Rex is simply not very smart and most of the time they will back off with the right answer. hence why their speaking/typing skills leave much to desire. Field Report: Random detractor: "Man Martin is taking forever with his book! Wish he would hurry up!" GRRiMlin: "GRRM is not your bitch! Nha Nha Nha Nha Nha Nha!" How can I find this GRRiMlin? Sadly this GRRiMlin is EVERYWHERE! Like roaches they can survive in the most hostile environments. I suggest you try it one of these days.

How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? Sircle Jerks tend to keep their NAB posts mercifully brief. Or Ser. not done yet.Sircle Jerk (alt. Field Reports: (All reports taken from NaB) 1)Martin:" I’ve still got the creeping crud.26 - . or providing encouragement and moral support. spelling: Sercle Jerk) Sircularium jerkus By jjh A subspecies of GRRiMlin who seizes every opportunity to refer to Martin as Sir. as they have nothing of value to say. either praising something GRRM has posted. Rapid scrolling generally will suffice for those wishing to avoid their posts." GRRiMlin: "Get well soon sir! " *** 2)Martin:" I hit page 1311 yesterday." GRRiMlin: "Rock on good Ser! " How can I find this GRRiMlin? Found exclusively on NAB. No. .

thus there is no need for the Holy Reader to strike) and westeros. His point is that he is better than you because he is more patient and more well-read than you. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? The defence for this GRRMlin is quite simple: Instead of complaining about my complaining. The notable exceptions would be NAB (because critical posts will be deleted. why aren't you reading something else? . why don't you go read something else?" How can I find this GRRiMlin? This GRRMlin can be found almost anywhere discussions of GRRM take place. Field Report: You:" I would sure love to read ADWD. but GRRM seems to be taking an awfully long time. He may also say that there are plenty of other books out there.The Holy Reader Librus Sanctus By The Adequate Jon The Holy Reader has a holier-than-thou attitude. He tells you to go read something else instead of complaining about GRRM." GRRMlin: "Instead of spending your time complaining on an internet forum.27 - .org (because controversial discussions about ADWD are forbidden).

often far more articulate GRRiMlins earlier on in the thread.28 - . After the job you informally agreed s/he'd work for you again in a year or two and know s/he's saying that they're not available for now.. Then again you might do the reverse because his/her work was so good before. If you find out that s/he wasn't available for what in your view was no good reason. you might reasonably be annoyed." Can be very cathartic if you're up to a possible flame war. although a snarky response like this: "You must be a newb GRRiMlin. what he said!" What makes them truly annoying is the fact that they are oblivious to just how useless they are to either side. before you repeat (poorly) what no less than 7 people have already said on this thread. Field Report: (This excerpt was taken from Pat's Fantasy Hotlist after about 70 posts had gone back and forth. a job that was done very well (you loved the book) and which you happily handed over money for (you bought the book).]The author is not your employee. [. They often display poor writing skills and a complete lack of original thought. it is best to just ignore them.. They can easily be spotted by their obvious failure to read anything but the post directly above theirs.. Next time. They make use of the most clichéd arguments and their posts can often be boiled down to a simple "Yeah. So you grouch a bit and hire someone else (read other books).. The upshot of a flame war is that they are usually too stupid to get the better of you. A closer but still excessive analogy would be a freelancer you once hired to do a job.]" How can I find this GRRiMlin? Just go toward the end of most epic GRRM discussion pages and you will encounter the Parrot Proxy. perhaps you should peruse the comments and form some semblance of an original thought.) GRRiMlin: "[.Parrot Proxy Repeatus Prolificus By scorpiknox This GRRiMlin often comes into the end of a heated debate and repeats everything that was said by other. . You may also choose not to hire the freelancer again once s/he is available (sequel is out) because you want more reliability. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? Since they are relatively stupid and harmless.

html?thread=8878509#t8878509 *** 2)"The only problem that I have with Tom Meier's sculpts is that I feel like I'm taking a can of Krylon to Michelangelo's masterpieces whenever I consider painting them.Wildcard GRRlemming Sycophanta Grrmartinus Enthusiasticus By kehnonymous This GRRiMlin is endlessly fascinated by George R. Martin's side projects. but is most often found immediately after George R.. Please help. Martin in order to get the scoop on its true love ..livejournal.. R. It is commonly hypothesized ...29 - ..html?thread=8548517#t8548517 How can I find this GRRiMlin? This GRRMlin often shares similar characteristics with other local fauna. it was only my enthusiasm that raised it. I recently finnished the latest Wild Cards triad and I have to say." http://grrm. Not only that but it was my first experience with shared world books. Martin blogs about a non-ADwD project. I need a Wild Cards I wont forget the little guys) and I have fallen in love.. but may instead represent a larval phase of the GRRMlin family that is induced whenever Martin blogs about non-ADwD projects... it leeches onto these like parasites and endlessly showers praise and questions upon Martin about his latest diversionary project.where can I get them all?!? I must read the story from start to finish. Wicked Cool! This was my first visit to the world of Aces and Jokers (and nats and deuces. The fact that each character is written by a different author gives them their own voice in a very real way that Im sure couldnt be duplicated by a single author.. Scientists speculate that the GRRlemming's enthusiasm is a way of buttering up George R. R. Be it Wild Cards. All the referances to events and persons past has me fiending like a junkie for more.. or anthologies. perhaps in the hopes of establishing an imagined rapport. It is possible than the GRRlemming may not be a distinct species. Field Reports: 1)"Anyway.A Dance With Dragons. miniatures. R. not to mention its sudden and complete enthusiasm for any news about non-ADwD question. At the very real risk of ass kissing I have to say it wouldn't work without the editing genious that weaved the tales together. The GRRlemming's most distinguishing trait is its brown nose. I opened the comments under this post for a specific reason. As such it is a very commonly observed subspecies." http://grrm. please forgive the brown nose.

that GRRlemmings' oft-documented enthusiasm about miniatures and Wild Cards would pale in comparison to any substantial news concerning A Dance With Dragons. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? Although overall unassuming and harmless. . Most field manuals suggest reasoning with it and bribing it with replicas of Needle and other ASoIaF merchandise. In this case it is advised to imitate the feral Starkus Aryas and stick 'em with the pointy end. However scientists have so far been unable to test this theory. primarily because the requisite stimuli has not been observed in nature or been able to be duplicated in any laboratory. However the likely presence of the more virulent species of GRRMlins make this difficult at best. this parasitic species' zeal for its host organism can make it a fierce enemy.30 - .

Those people are just TROLLS! I may be in the minority or not. Field Reports: All quotes taken from NaB: 1)"Honestly.31 - . Somewhere. I feel for you. but I don't care how long it takes to produce the the book. it will be done when it is done. They are still posting on NaB for GRRM to take as long as he wants to finish A Dance with Dragons. 8th..Just go get a hobby if your so obsessed. that will stoke your frustration... your negativity helps nothing. So. 2010 05:10 pm *** .. It makes me pissed off when people say "When is DANCE gonna be done?" To the trolls I say. You can spot them by their blatant disregard for the fact that George is not a young man. Who cares about the people who demand DANCE now. Some of us actually see the human being behind the books." --mooingtricycle Mar.Patient Martyr (common: Wait Watcher) Capacitus Capacitus Sactimonia By scorpiknox We all know this GRRiMlin too well. and by the fact that their posts often read like they believe that GRRM is going to lead them to the Hale-Bopp comet alien ship. id rather you take your time and make it come out exactly as you wish it to. I suggest golf. my friend. They reassure even as they proclaim their blind allegiance and act as if there is a special place in hell for any fan of ASoIaF who wants to know what is taking so long. Get over yourselves.. 2010 05:44 am 2)"George. Quit yer rushin'. 6th." --neffscape Mar. rather than be rushed along by all of us soul-less creatures who simply buy the books and demand more.. I truly do.

I really don't care how long the book takes. eager masses hoping to get a scrap from the master's table: some response to acknowledge their utter devotion to a man who could give a shit about them. and I cannot imagine the level of work it takes to create such lands. through your website to check about ADWD. worlds and people in it as you do. I am in the midst of reading the series through for the nth time. 6th.32 - .] Let me say that I look forward with great excitement to the arrival of the DANCE. They are legion on NaB. you've already won the argument because their opinion is no longer valid. [.. plus books from many other authors. I first stumbled upon your not a blog. This is a powerful. because your posts are interesting." --intothenite Mar. Often times. 2010 01:07 pm Where can I find this GRRiMlin? Everywhere. 6th. (Save one. I also found names of authors I had never read. It takes as long as it needs to for it to be right. .) How do I defend against the Patient Martyr? Usually they aren't going to come right out and attack you. 2010 07:27 pm *** 4)"Honestly. passive aggressive attack and can be countered several ways: 1. As a result you can easily draw them into admitting that they've only just read the series last summer." --thebaxterian : Mar. I have enjoy rereading the other books in the series. You'll also find them on any fantasy forum having something to do with GRRM. and the following novels. I stayed though. the Patient Martyr is a relative newb to the series. often amusing and it annoys me as well to see the trolls just demand the book. After that. and I felt that I needed to add my voice. but instead try to guilt you into feeling grateful that GRRM has even bothered to write the first 4 books.. through your blog. Even if they each take another 5 years. Take as long as you need! Your books are rich in detail.3)"I created this account strictly to say one thing.

You might lose the argument. but you'll piss them off and in the end that is just as fun as better than a victory. The best thing to do is stick to your guns and don't allow yourself to come off like a thug.33 - . just go for broke and make fat jokes.2. then you might be in trouble because you have a FUCKING NUTCASE on your hands. If the Patient Martyr has been waiting for Dance lo these 10 years along with the rest of us. as you'll lose the moral high-ground quickly against this sanctimonious beast. . 3. If you lose the high-ground and are starting to get sucked into a "how dare you!" vortex.

the worst is that they often engage in incest breeding and create something completely unholy. something so unnatural that would make Cthulhu turn mad.. There is no best solution to deal with it. We lost 4 scientists so far in trying to crack this spawn of annoying.The Blame Runner Cursor Culpa By Oliveira8 The Blame Runner is one of the most annoying GRRiMlins in the GRRiMlin sphere and a close sibling to Patient Martyr...]I would rather a late release date than a rushed book. and no one Else's. Would you want a Dance at all if it sucked? No. Feel ashamed of wanting to read the book. And he will remember you that Martin has already gave you 4 excellent books. it's most likely that you have crossed paths with one or two. for wondering if it ever is coming out. for even thinking about the book. But like Gandalf said "The defences have to hold!" and hold they shall.34 - . The best option is to just ignore him and move on. " --Sai-Capricious (Wed Jan 20 2010 08:19:34) How can I find this GRRiMlin? They roam everywhere ADwD is discussed. feel bad.. "his" story. If you been around in this dance for more than 2 minutes. as it is. Field Report: (This portion of a comment was taken from a discussion in IMDB) "[. Which is better than 3 great books.. even when it's not about it's release date. A good way to deal them is to use the the same tactic as the RetortGaiman-Rex and pull: .] [.. So allow him to perfect the story.]If he never finishes Dance he will still have given us 4 great books. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? The Blame Runner is quite hard to back off. and you should feel blessed to be touched by his Holiness. As you can see it's painful to read the crap that The Blame Runner spits out.[. which is better even still than 2.. Anyway… The whole function of this creature is to make everyone who would like to read the book at some point in their life. and 1 which he didn't even have to give us.

.35 - . but considering you are discussing ADwD lateness you are in one already so take the most of it."GRRM may not be our bitch. but apparently you are his." This will cause flamewars.

Noise. including The Pencil of Late-Afternoon. But it not stops there. And if he(Martin) pleases so he can stop writing and nothing in the world can stop him. And that fans are the most important part of a bloody franchise if it wants any success in the long run. The Pencil of Late Afternoon is the most annoying GRRiMlin of them all. he is a person and you and every fan can't ask nothing in return!" If you ever run into one these. and to top it off he will tell you that Martin reached the creative wall and can't write any more thus causing 5 years of no-writing. and deserve to be treated like dirt. Field Report: (Taken from IMDB) "Look. As Einstein once said "Fuck. It's his stuff and we fans are nothing but dirt. And of course we must feel bad for Martin. Just like his dad/mom the Blame Runner. Getting sidetracked also doesn't help.The Pencil of LateLate-Afternoon Post Meridiem Pencillus By Oliveira8 The result of Blame Runner and Patient Martyr. It just doesn't happen. The Sword of Morning was the best swordsman in Westeros of all time(!!11!1!). " --Brude_Storm *** (Translated from Portuguese) . You deal with the problem head on..]. Fair enough. not stand around picking your nose for yonks waiting for the answer to fall from the sky. The most gawdafull GRRiMlin you can run into. This GRRiMlin reached the conclusion that the writer is a human being(Took him some time) so we should cut him a break. all fans should feel graced that they wasted their hard earned money on this series.. Just like Ser Arthur Dayne.36 - .the one who says "Authors can do what they want.". The Pencil of Late-Afternoon will put the writer in such high pedestal that.FOREVER! Thus creating a God Writer that his immune to criticism and his farts smell like rainbows and unicorns. you can't force art.That. This GRRiMlin will wait patiently forever for the book.. (He totally said that) What The Pencil of Late-Afternoon forgets is that writing like plumbing is a fucking job. that the writer is conjuring up something that will change humanity. Even if if it never is complete we should blessed for being in our living rooms.. love making..[.. will try to blame you for treating Martin bad and hurt is feelings. he believes and will force you to believe too. you know what I'm talking about.

Not when YOU want. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.." ---Hic How can I find this GRRiMlin? In every topic that has a "When is ADwD complete?" you can bet there is one. Also "There is no such thing as Writers Block. If he wants to stop the cash cow he will. it's in his right.[. " "Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration. The worlds best paid writer can't fail and usually shuts up this a-hole.. But don't forget that it's also work. The best ones to remind The Pencil of Late Afternoon are these: "If you want to write. not yours(or the fans). How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? To fend off this fiend you can count on Stephen King to drop some juicy knowledge." helps too.]He is not your slave. then write. .. PlagiarizingEditing Wild Cards won't get the answer of the Meereensee knot cause he isn't thinking of the meereensee knot! And then proceed into dumping this pearl into his lap: "An author who is taking 7 years to write a novel is not thinking Deep Thoughts.." Stress the "work" word..[. he works when he wants too in what he wants too[. the rest of us just get up and go to work. He's just dicking about" Finally smack the poor guy to remind him that if it weren't for fans Martin wouldn't have a career." "Talent in cheaper than table salt.. It's his series.37 - ."I don't see you or any other fan the right to criticise Martin. This will remind this GRRiMlin that an author actually has to do some heavy work in the novel he is stuck in.] If he doesn't want to write the series.] He writes when HE wants.

Seriously. Of course the most conspicuous member of this species and the genus-namer is most often found on his very own blog spouting too much eyesore to post here. delusional little people who will never be convinced by anything you say because you’re not a creative writer like them.non-creative types will never understand how difficult it can be. Even if you are. 2009 02:03 am (UTC) How can I find this GRRiMlin? This GRRiMlin is often found on the NAB offering sympathy and (unasked for) advice after GRRM sobs his little heart out about how people are big meanies to him. 2009 02:19 am (UTC) "The manuscript I thought I'd have finished by last May at the latest is only on page 210. 20th. 20th. You have to take what you can get and run with it when it comes to you." --jojo_kun Feb. It might sound snobby but it's true . 20th. unpublished ‘novel’ and probably made a half-hearted unsuccessful attempt to sell it." --firerosearien Feb. I know how difficult it is to deal with the ebb and flow of creativity. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? Don’t bother. sir. and no." --michael_b_lee Feb. 2009 02:10 am (UTC) "All the best with this! I'm waiting for DWD with a great deal of anticipation. I know exactly whereof you speak except that I don't have a million and one people getting upset when the book runs late. Sometimes Life gets in the way. They are all sad.Poser Wannabes Speakmany bullshitus By mir8212 This GRRiMlin has once written (or attempted to write) a third-rate. Field reports: "You have my complete and utter sympathy. . art is definitely not a democracy.38 - . This unique experience gives them ‘insider knowledge’ of the publishing process and they understand the writing process in a way that we petty mortals cannot hope to grasp. but also with patience.

.39 - . How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? Direct reference to the travel/delay correlation is likely to result in a ban-hammer NAB response...) Field Report: GRRM: I will be in Chicago next month. Otherwise. no further action is necessary. should it succeed in luring GRRM to its locality. the Eager Host will only worsen the ADWD delay. How can I find this GRRiMlin? The Eager Host GRRiMlin can be found in comments attached to GRRM NAB “appearances” posts. (It is known... Unfortunately. If the GRRiMlin lives in a tiny boring town. Eager Host: i live nowhere neat Chicago (sic). . since GRRM does not write on the road.Eager Host Invitus ad nauseum By jjh Note: this species was initially identified by aussiechris The Eager Host attempts to persuade GRRM to make an appearance in its city/state. you should include san luis obispo california on one of your tours. start a rumour that there are no pizza restaurants in the locality in question. Unsatisfied with sucking up to GRRM in the Comments section of the NAB. this species seeks to ramp up its sycophantry to the up-close-and-personal level.

it takes George 3 . Instead. The Adequate Jon and compiled by oliveira8 The Pseudo Scientist does not accept that ADWD is late. Field Reports: Random Suvudu Poster: “I still think it's fair to say that Dragons is overdue. just like AFFC.suvudu.html How can I find this GRRiMlin? This rarely observed yet tenaciously prolific GRRiMlin inhabits any thread about Martin in Suvudu and Westeros boards.Publishing Dates: This is where the argument usually starts.” http://www. you can make the numbers look even worse for the Pseudo Scientist if you subtract the 2 years GRRM spent in Hollywood after he had started AGOT.” GRRiMlin: “Those 18 months he wrote after Storm where he had to change his mind and begin anew really can't be counted in my mind”. 1/1/1991 AGOT writing started (I don't know the exact date he started) AGOT: 8/1/1996 5 years 214 days ACOK: 2/2/1999 2 years 185 days ASOS: 10/31/2000 1 year 272 days Average: 3 years 102 days AFFC: 11/8/2005 5 years 9 days . this species attempts to prove. using complicated and ever-changing calculations based on book length. that ADWD is in fact going to be released within an acceptable time frame. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? Method 1 . Feast was right on schedule once he figured out not to accelerate the future of the storyline. Actually. elapsed time between ASOIAF instalments.3 1/2 years to write a book in the series. GRRM and an imagined time-space-rewrite discontinuity into which 18 months of actual time vanished – VANISHED!!.Pseudo Scientist HocusPocus Dyscalculus By jjh. word count.40 - . and “If you look at the series. The Pseudo Scientist then looks at the numbers and doesn't like what he sees. so he claims that you know nothing about the publishing industry and tries to make one of the other two arguments below.

and ASOS was published 6 months after he finished writing it. However. Also.Writing time (including "percolating time"): This argument is used when trying to make the AGOT writing time longer by saying that even though GRRM was in Hollywood for two years after he had started writing. I've also added those 6 months to the writing time of AFFC and moved 500 days from AFFC to ADWD due to GRRM working on both of them at the same time. if you are going to count those two years in Hollywood. 1/1/1991 Started writing AGOT AGOT: 5/1/1995 4 years 121 days ACOK: 8/26/1998 3 years 118 days ASOS: 5/4/2000 1 years 251 days Average: 3 years 42 days AFFC: 6/26/2004 4 years 54 days ADWD: 3/25/2010 5 years 273 days Average: 4 years 346 days (so far) Method 3 . The same thing happened with ASOS although not as much.Writing time (not including "percolating time"): This is the argument used when they want to subtract the 18 months worth of writing on AFFC/ADWD that was scrapped when GRRM realized it wasn't working. you still have to count that time because he was still thinking about the novel or "percolating" (Pseudo Scientist #1's word). . This line of reasoning doesn't do very much because the average time for the first 3 books changes very little (it actually decreases). Additionally. then we can ignore the 2 years that GRRM spent in Hollywood when he actually wasn't working on AGOT. I've assumed that half of ACOK was written when AGOT was published. you can add time onto AFFC because he must have written something of AFFC between the time he finished with ASOS and ASOS was published. If they can just ignore those 18 months. This is done by saying that one third to two thirds of ACOK was already written when AGOT was published because GRRM hadn't realized he'd written too much for one novel and had to split the book. you also have to count the wasted 18 months of writing for AFFC/ADWD. Notice that I didn't even subtract that time off in the above analysis. you can add a ton of time to the writing of ADWD because we know he was working on that at the same time he was working on AFFC. this argument is used to try to add time to the writing of ACOK and ASOS. one forth of ASOS was written when ACOK was published.41 - . Here. Also.ADWD: 3/25/2010 4 years 138 days Average: 4 years 256 days (so far) Method 2 .

You just need to pin them down on which method they want to use and make them be consistent.The numbers used here are simply the Method-2 numbers with the two years in Hollywood and 18 months of wasted writing ignored. . AGOT: 2 years 121 days ACOK: 3 years 118 days ASOS: 1 years 251 days Average: 2 years 164 days AFFC: 2 years 237 days ADWD: 5 years 91 days Average: 3 years 346 days (so far) The Pseudo Scientist will try to take the writing time for the first 3 books from method 1 or 2. the writing time for AFFC from method 3 and the writing time for ADWD from method 1. No matter which method you use.42 - . I even subtracted 6 months from ADWD for GRRM's AFFC book tour. the average writing time for AFFC and ADWD is at least a year longer than the average writing time for the first three books.

.. sir.43 - . 2010 03:41 pm (UTC) *** "nfl It always gladdens my heart to see you so happy over sport. so I say GO TEAM to whoever it is you support even if I am a brit and don't know the first thing about what you Americans' so laughingly refer to as football. don't know shit about the NFL and never heard of the NFL before Martin started to blog about the NFL. but still loves to read about it. 18th. I think you missed your calling to be a's in the blog By oliveira8(kudos for jjh to dig this one up) The Madden. But we not talking about those loonies. 2010 04:47 pm (UTC) How can I find this GRRiMlin? In the NFL NaB posts. The only thing worse it's the people who go to discuss the NFL to Martin's blog.Actually never mind this one is also about the tossers that go to NaB to talk about the NFL.The Madden Martin SportsSports. as far as I'm concerned. but I don't know much about football. and secretly wishes that Martin would get a full time job as a sport writer/commentator. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? . Glad you became an author instead!" --evilnioj Jan... Field Report: GRRiMlin:"Sorry to hear about your team.." --typotx Jan. All went as I wished. as the name indicates unless you don't care about the NFL. loves the NFL. 18th. no we talking about the ones that don't watch NFL. haha. granted that your eyes didn't melt while reading Martin's analyse. lol! (SIR!)" *** "Huzzah! I finally broke down and got an LJ account so I could comment on the games this past weekend. Four wins for me. P.

Why would you want to talk to this GRRiMlin in the first place? .44 - .

How soon? LOOK BEHIND YOU! How can I find this GRRiMlin? The hippoithanatoi inhabits the NaB and it’s home ground of Westeros mostly. If you can prove the Werthead has made a mistake about anything it will simply retreat and never bother you again. There are 3 subspecies of this GRRiMlin. It’s mostly harmless. to attract one simply mention that it’s about time A Dance with Dragons was published. but will bring out it’s banhammer on Westeros once your back is turned. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? There seems to be little defence against the banhammer of the hippoiathanatoi and this is random as it is a paranoid creature and particularly fond of using it’s one offensive weapon. but like the hippoiathanatoi will bring out it’s banhammer on it’s home ground of Terry Brooks if you disagree with it. this interesting creature masks it’s true intentions behind largely meaningless words.Know It All Knowitallus Annoyicus By aussiechris The Know It All is under the mistaken belief that it knows everything about something. if you a new detractor soon you will make contact with this strange creature. it can be easily identified by its call of ‘haha’. The Werthead. If you a long time detractor you probably have encountered one(if not all). . this is a rather sad GRRiMlin that many think may be both blind and deaf. The Speakman is found mostly on it’s home grounds of Terry Brooks and at that of it’s sponsor Suvudu. Be that A Song of Ice and Fire. It is not generally dangerous. but will attempt to bore you into submission with a dazzling array of meaningless facts and figures that prove it’s point. It is believed that there is no male of the species as it’s distinctive long black plumage makes it look rather feminine. It appears harmless. writing or simply everything. this is a particularly virulent GRRiMlin. The hippoiathanatoi. The Werthead is extremely common and ranges widely. The Speakman. There’s no defence needed against the Speakman and it’s such a sad pathetic creature that you feel sorry for it. although it does rarely occur elsewhere.45 - . Field Report: Too numerous(and to painful) to attempt to catalogue.

and left to die as a madman who shared his nationality lead his . Russia and Liechtenstein have operatives on the field to determine if Martin is a dictator and if his amassing a army of brain dead followers. As one of those people who was lead off to camps to die just because they were Jewish. He was torn from his family. batshit crazy Martin's comment is. and now I see it as it is. starved. Like a disease. but you've convinced me.' I was one of the ones who agreed with you wholeheartedly on the healthcare bill. as being somewhat benevolent and good natured (our real.46 - . And this is all from reading a FANTASY series. Google "Kristallnacht" for a scary sense of deja vu." GRRiMlin: "My grandfather had to endure the holocaust as well. the Opinion Zombie will agree and worst." --bungeebot Mar. 24th. 2010 09:44 pm (UTC) *** "I used to think X. tortured. but if it's any consolation. The US of A.The Opinion Zombie Mortuous opinio The opinion zombie. 23rd. but you've convinced me. No matter how stupid. if given it the time it will try spread it. I believe: much more sinister.'" --materpenitentia Mar. Field reports: (After Martin writing fanfiction about Jaime vs Cthulhu) "Well 'I used to think' that Cthulu would beat Jaime'. I honestly used to think of the world/society/etc. which is truly remarkable. But I think the revelation has made me more streetwise. is completely braindead. Whatever Martin says or commands this GRRiMlin will follow. 2010 03:55 pm (UTC) Researcher thoughts: WHAT THE FUCK? *** Martin:"People who express their political opinions by throwing bricks through windows are no better than nazis. non-fictional world we live in). rather than depressed. ASOIAF was definitely one of the things you wrote that greatly changed my worldview. The secret agents from Liechtenstein say yes.

That or take the Silentmajority approach.. Martin for making that comparison.. knowing he would die for a religion he believed in. You back down a path of evil.. 25th. .]" --sparkliedragon Mar. He was nearly forced into that man's gas chambers.[.47 - . How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? You don't. 2010 10:25 pm (UTC) How can I find this GRRiMlin? Comment section of NaB usually under political rants or when Martin wants you to vote for his stuff/pals. You call them stupid and leave them into their own ruin. And I applaud Mr.

G. Field reports: "What he should do is announce that for every email and comment he gets from people whining about the book not being finished/released yet. he will push back his intended release date 1 day.R. even when not being threatened. In an attempt to silence its opponents.and when you ask why he killed that one. above) " 03 Apr 2009 19:15 How can I find this GRRiMlin? Much like their counterparts in the natural world. if you want to avoid treading on one.R." --Upsurge 16 Feb 2010.The Lemming annoyus furryus By valardohaeris This GRRiMlin is particularly brainless and stupid in nature. though. these GRRiMlins are numerous and often seen following each other in blind and slightly panicked devotion. . requiring little in the way of countermeasures. he kills another one..M. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? These GRRiMlins are annoying but essentially harmless.48 - . --Palantyre (in reply to verbranden. 3:14PM "Every time you ask when the next book will come out.. A particularly annoying subgenus of the species will display the well-known and utterly ludicrous 'Every time you ask about the next book. kills a Stark!" --verbranden 03 Apr 2009 18:55 ". it will threaten delay of ADWD or even destruction of favourite characters. GRRM kills a Stark' icon. That'd shut them up. You might want to look where you put your feet.

14th. 2009 04:00 pm (UTC) How can I find this GRRiMlin? This GRRiMlin is found exclusively on the NAB forum whenever GRRM is feeling particularly cruddish. " --alyeska2112 May. 2009 08:26 am (UTC) "*makes you some soup* ^-^ Hope you feel better soon!" --michie3 May. 14th. GRRM habitually suffers from a malady known as 'Creeping Crud' and rather than sucking it up and dealing with it like the rest of society. George! Remember. 2009 07:03 pm (UTC) "Get well soon. is compelled to inform his legion of arselicking worshippers that he has the Crud. These worshippers attempt to make Captain Crud feel better through offerings of virtual cuddles and chicken soup and often recommend home remedies for George such as hot toddies and saunas.49 - . you're nobody's bitch . How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? This species is gentle and does not require any defence strategies. 14th.that includes nasty viruses. However research strongly recommends to have an emesis bag at the ready as some of their comments can make even the strongest stomach curdle. (Now that's an image I can do without!) Field Report: "Feel better really soon.The Cruddlers Vomitus bootlickidus bootlickidus By Montage This subspecies can be argued to be the most nauseating of the GRRiMlins. petal " --sermelt May. .

Read more: http://iswintercoming. the only time!) my first set of twins were only 15 months old.Progeny Braggart Sffmoniker Sffmoniker Inflictus By jjh This species is so into ASOIAF that it names its children after the characters. 9th. last time we met (OK. Her twin brother is Asher . My second daughter is named after her (my wife insisted on spelling it Aria).50 - . Now Aria and Asher are 3 years old and she would love a Needle of her own to get back at her brother! --asms26 Apr. That line is crossed when it attempts to curry favour with GRRM by blabbing about its ASOIAF-named children in the NAB. Arya has been my favourite since day 1. Failing that. That was during Danse Macabre in Melbourne .albeit spelling and gender different to my second favourite character! 1C39jcQvI .perfect casting. But that alone is not sufficient to identify it as a GRRiMlin. 2010 03:32 am (UTC) How can I find this GRRiMlin? Mostly on the NAB. How can I defend myself against this GRRiMlin? Be careful who you sleep with. Mercifully rare.Roger Weddall (the Chair) was my best man. Field Report Perfect casting Couldn't agree more . invoke your right of baby-name veto power.

Moved across the country. barring Jaime. Became addicted to an internet forum making fun of George RR Martin. I hate the ones in AFFC too. maybe I'm worse.51 - . broke 4:30 in the mile. Had a few glasses of vino. ran the Chicago Marathon four straight years. drank 4 straight years through a BigTen school.. It's a long time for most folks. audited my first hedge fund. became gainfully employed with a Big 4 accounting firm. finished the CPA exam. moved in with my girlfriend. as Liotta and Pesci over at FtBG have pointed out. I hate Jon and Daenerys chapters. Hot damn. If you haven't been over there in a while. life is short. Joined a new band. stop in and say hello. George. Five years. hiked the Inca trail to Machu Picchu. Paslaugh Since I last read a Jon. I've done just about nothing for 5 years. went bungy jumping. cycled 200+ miles in New Zealand. I (in chronological order): Got a promotion. graduated from a top 10 business school with a double major in finance and accounting.. Bought a car. ran a marathon on another continent Finish the book. unless you're a Trueblood. moved out of my parent's house.GRRuMblers Scorpiknox Well. Also. went skydiving. got a promotion. it doesn't seem like much when I sum it all up like that. it has been five years since the release of Feast. George Moose Unlike most people. Moved again. . hiked Mt. Gone back to school. Finish the book. What has transpired in your life since the release of Feast? What things have you done to pass the time during the second half of the long wait for A Dance with Dragons. Got married. I don't know why I'm here sometimes. a book that was promised ten years ago? For my part. So. Dany. Moved in with my girlfriend. Honestly. started undergrad. or Tyrion chapter. Kilimanjaro. Got a scholarship to a better school. Recorded an album. I played WoW? Drank more box wine than any human should in 5 lifetimes? Yeah. Quit my band. in one measly paragraph. qualified for and ran the Boston Marathon. travelled to 12 countries on 4 continents. Got engaged. Started a band. transferred to a better school. Quit my job. I'm probably as bad as George. Then again. moved to Chicago. Ran in the State track meet. graduated high school.

bought a flat with my GF (last thursday).Slynt Five years. sold my old car/bought a new one. And I've just realised. Robotosaur Since this time in 2005. appeared on Jeopardy. Need to get some flowers. adopted a pair of elderly and enormous cats.. got a job at an international organization. graduated college. Shit. passed the Foreign Service Officer Test. eh.. moved in with my GF. . met my GF. I've had two girlfriends and now I'm with my special lady and a son almost a year old. Kael Edin A whole chapter of one's life. I remember it vividly. I: Reached legal drinking age. went to ikea (I hate ikea). started dating my boyfriend. a few days before publication date. Getting my hands on that coveted copy of "A Feast for Crows".52 - . (No. delving right into it and from the first page getting a strange vibe of 'everything is not as it should be'. What scares me is the thought that in a similar thread concerning tWoW I'll mention "My son started reading ASoIaF". got engaged. five fucking years. went through two apartments. got promoted. five chapters) I've moved to a new house. taking a picture of myself with it and sending it to other fans still waiting with baited breath. had two major break-ups and one minor one. managed a restaurant. moved back to the States. bought a motorbike. today is my 4 year anniversary with my GF. both moved out to live with my dad (cheaper). worked at a law firm. singly handedly supported the british cider industry (hard cider for those across the water). Flodros Got promoted. got hit by a bus while on said motorbike. moved in with him.

Lost one job. junior college and university. Realized that I was an alcoholic. Started playing tennis and/or pickleball twice per week for the past six years. and 8 new novels by Brandon Sanderson. Read 7 new novels by Michael Connelly. Read approximately SEVEN HUNDRED other books (for those clowns who say. Stopped recycling. was unemployed for six rush.RolandOFGilead Since last reading a Jon/Dany/Tyrion chapter: Went to my daughter's two graduations from college. silentmajority In the past five years: I designed a kitchen for the owners second restaurant. Opened the restaurant. Saw her get married. Broke up with a couple girlfriends. George. Started recycling. Finish the book.. scottishtroy I've had two kids. Started playing on-line chess for past six years.. Wrote 10 different menus between both of them. Started working out. Stopped drinking. read something else) Moved from a duplex to a house. and read about 200 books. and managed both kitchens. In five years I went from being unable to run 1 city block to being able to run an entire marathon (about 26 miles).. Helped her move three times. two of which were co-written by the now deceased Robert Jordan.we waited 5 years for that masterpiece known as A Feast for Crows we can wait 5 more years for its equivalent! .53 - . and 6 new novels by Vince Flynn. Hey take your time George. Bowled in a league for nine months.. found another job. Stopped smoking.

but here goes: Graduated high school. Switched majors. In the five years between the book containing the last published Jon. Ah. My circle of friends has incrementally grown via the uniquely Columbus phenomenon of everyone being only literally one degree of separation from everyone else. Fascinating stuff. Lost a lot of money. Anyway. Moved back to the Midwest from New York. Graff The last five years for me are the far more boring part of the last ten. Was told I was going to be a daddy. science-fiction novels. Was told it was actually somebody else's willing women readily available. in both cases it was because the old one sputtered and died due to shoddy American business practices. Got my drivers licence. I also played a lotta WoW from 2006-2008 and have rediscovered the joys of cycling. I really need to get a life. Spent days complaining about GRRM. Taught myself enough computer programming to write a fullyfeatured Tetris clone and begin a turn-based RPG project. the life of a teenager.Annan I've done basically nothing. Quit the same job three times in one year. Moved in with my grandmother for a year to take care of her following major surgery. got hired to work on Wall St. Moved out. Was told I wasn't. Moved. Played World of WarCraft for two years. I've changed my car and job once. Discussed ASoIaF and frequently praised GRRM on Ran's forum. Traveled abroad for the first time (Canada not included). house and haircut. Dumped the third girlfriend. but apparently not as much as paslaugh has. Made a lot of money. Attended "company meetings" in Las Vegas where I got to see/experience what men with "infinite money" and no morals do in a town with large amounts of drugs and hot. Dany. Got a new job. Got dumped with my "pants down" when "high school sweetheart" of three years decided she was going to marry the guy her mother wanted her to (chalk it up to a cultural mismatch). Reconciled with my father. after reading all your entries. Got dumped by another girlfriend of the next three-years. . Cheered the White Sox to a World Series championship. Started university and lived in a dorm. kehnonymous Oh geez. Since 2005: I have had the same girlfiend. Graduated from college. Got banned from westeros. Three-starred all the Special Ops missions but one Read somewhere between 100 and 200 fantasy and on CoD: MW2 with my bro. since AFfC arrived from the UK I: Lost my job. and Tyrion chapters and the most recent ASoIaF book I: Turned legal drinking age.54 - .

job losses. musical theatre productions. school band and library.55 - . and paid thousands of dollars of taxes to 3 levels of government. but I have changed jobs. healthy and reasonably fashionable. I read roughly 50 books a year (although this years tally is beyond 70). with a good shot of making it 14 before George gets ADWD complete. Organized and did gruntwork fundraising for the above children’s activities. I realized that I’ve accomplished very little that is tangible. I've: 1) Graduated college 2) Had my third child (who will be 4 in January). actually). baseball. Boy Scouts. often while rolling my eyes at the subject matter. and other life problems. and move back to the States. health scares. softball and soccer games. That's a lot of reading something else. get divorced. Stood by friends through deaths. 4) Had 4 wedding anniversaries (of 13). my mother has passed away. 3) Moved onto my second job since graduation . I'm still at the same company. so in 5 years I would have gone through 250 books that aren't ASoIaF. nursery co-op. way behind me (as is my youth. 6) Have seen Brandon Sanderson publish 11 novels. morandir Let's see. Kept myself fit.a place that's always fascinated me. Produced mountains of ignored/forgotten reports and presentations. I've sold 2 houses and bought another one and sold and bought 2 cars. I have nothing but respect for someone like Joe Abercrombie who is raising a young family while turning out excellent and creative books and maintaining a friendly and humorous online presence. aussiechris In the last 5 years I've gotten engaged and married. while making an extended detour to Stockholm .been at it two years as of October 1st. Cheered them on while watching countless hockey. With my husband. not to mention Girl Guides. 5) Had friend get married. jjh The accomplishments and dramas of my youth are way. we’re solid: we can renovate together.I went to Europe for the first time ever to visit Barcelona on a family vacation and now want to rob a bank so I can afford to go back. move to Canada. and as I pondered the last 5 years of my life. I've also read exactly one new ASoIaF book. . Read a bunch of books. and dance and music recitals. I can't even factor in how many books I've read. Raised 3 kids into the teen/tween stage. track meets. substantively renovated our house – oh yes.

Same house. Had two kids. job. and XFiles series with wife At least 700 hours of playing various computer games . watched the entire MASH. 9) Lost 50 pounds Finish the Book. Band of Brothers. Millennium. saucerhead Bugger all really. 8) Have read dozens of other books by differing fantasy authors who managed to get their books done on time. all very good. wife. Finished off a Masters degree.56 - . George. darkgreen Got a new job Got engaged Bought a house Got married Grew an 8 inch long beard Shaved beard At least 20 camping trips Hiked at least 350 miles Cross country skied and snow shoed at least 100 miles At least 50 days of kayaking Watched my wife run 5 marathons and at least 40 other shorter races My last two grandparents died My first nephew is born (and now almost a year old) One of my dogs dies of leukemia Inherit another dog from relative Trained dog to flush birds and retrieve Grew a progressively bigger garden every year for the past 4 years Amongst other things. etc.7) Have seen Joe Abercrombie publish 5 novels.

redneck area. What a ride. Moved BACK to Brighton.). ultimately dropped contract after a year of being ignored by agent. Auditioned at three German and one Austrian theatre schools. lost my job due to the economy. then a 55 gallon. got picked up by a literary agent. Moved to Germany.. got a greyhound. got an article published in a fish magazine. Preparing audition speeches for London theatre schools. There's so much more. off again/on again trying to self publish a fantasy trilogy (ha I have that in common George at least. one of whom moved in with me/future was planned with (stupidly).57 - .. Did two years at Music College. laziness when it comes to others reading our fiction). Had around 4 girlfriends. got a new job. etc. Joined a Theatre Group. Moved to Brighton. lost our 11 year old greyhound to pancreatitis. started my aquarium hobby (first a ten gallon.Gained 10 pounds Went to four Packers games Watched Brett Favre retire 3 times Geshtar Married my girlfriend with whom I was living.. bought 180 gallon tank and my dream fish-a freshwater ray. stayed with my agent when he jumped ship to start his own agency. moved out of our tiny 1 bedroom place and bought a house in a cheaper. then a 2nd ten gallon. Rex I'm only 23 now but let's see. Finished School. almost getting into the top Berlin school. .. Started a year at different college. had a son. bought my first ever brand new car.

a realistic ending" a gazillion books/series/games fuck..Darkies22 Stuff that happened since my last Tyrion chapter: . -Hit my mid 40s -Decided that if George never publishes another ASOIF. I think I got it when it went paperback sooo -Went from Newlywed to 5 year anniversary -Had and have 2 wonderful kids and subsequently became sole breadwinner -gone through 3 cars as needs changed (yes.moved to a new appartment .joined this little part of the internet .making fun of GRRiMlins . . I may just not care. we are now a minivan family) -Been at same company but have had inumerable projects -Caught up to the latest Jim Butcher Dresden novels (no danger that he won't put one out) -Read and decided that I hated Joe Abercrombie's third book (ending of his trilogy) after loving the first two.readying to start my own company (software) . AFFC for crows was so married . that the bloom of anticipation of finishing the series is far outweighed by realizing it may never be finished or it might just be really promoted .got my Master's degree in Physics .started my own fantasy series (though not far yet) . life is moving fast :S Wulfred Wish I could remember when I finished it. my butt.58 - .got a job . American Tolkein. Great writing but so unrealistically pestimistic that I couldn't even get on board with the "Finally.

59 - .Culture and Art Novels .

com/index.cgi?board=ftbg&action=display&thread=17#ixzz 1C2Ybhl00 . R. COMPANIONS Cover Art by Scorpiknox Read more: http://iswintercoming.proboards.A Feast For Trolls A FEAST FOR TROLLS by THE BRAVE R.60 - .

Darkbane @ sffworld. pathetic (for the reasons I just described). move on to something else.. It's disgusting (literally).61 - .. Don't create what amounts to a hate site.where George RR Martin's personal habits.Werthead "If you've lost patience with GRRM. Why people feel the need to do this. to consciously bring someone down. where you can all pat each other on the virtual back for your failed attempts at wit and humour. to not care about other people.. sexual predilictions and . and really just sad" . is just beyond me. .EvilAgent @ sffworld. . friends and fans. are repeatedly used as a source of alleged What you people do is intentionally hurtful. I guess it is just a mindset that you need to have..CRITICAL PRAISE FOR "A FEAST FOR TROLLS" ". and those of his family.

” smiled Ran.” purred Speakman “remains to be seen. And yes .British by the look greeted him with a wry smirk. yes. newly styling himself as Lord Ran. Undeterred. “I’ve not had the privilege. but spoken as an accusation.62 - .. Ser Elio.” ”That. “It has come to light that you’ve publicly questioned if Ser Martin will be able to complete A Dance With Dragons on time. ”In the name of the British and American Tolkiens. Lastly. Werthead the Vigilant.” ”Yes. He’d studied and won his apprentice’s commendation at the Terry Brooks forums and forged his maester’s chain link by link beneath the shadow of that hallowed tower. Inside the solar. ”It is known”.Shawn of House Speakman. and many other familiar faces. R. but this is more than odd. I greet the council and am privileged to share in their wisdom and that which has come before. how can this be done when he’s also announced plans to visit C2E2 next week to treat with the smallfolk?” ”It is said that A Dance With Dragons will be done when it is done and promises to be the most sacred text ever to grace Westeros.. I am Roland of Gilead and I bear the moderator’s seal. and yet they’ve gathered here without me. a dark lithe man whom he did not recognize .” Phrased as a greeting. ser. well. newly styling himself as overlord of Suduvu and a published author. and his companion Lady Linda of Westeros.. Roland made a note to remind Shawn that there were still five publishing houses who hadn’t yet rejected The Dark Thorn. chanted the rest of the table. “You’ve been asking a lot of questions. Werthead rose from his mahogany throne at the head of the table. The counsel’s summons isn’t until fifth bell.. ser. “Roland of Gilead. Ah.PROLOGUE (submitted by kehnonymous) He strode across the rain-slicked causeway towards the Tower of the Hand.. all with one answer.” corrected Linda. ”In light of Ser Martin’s latest proclamation that he hopes to have Dance complete within the next fortnight.” ”Ser Neil of Gaiman. Which make it all the more. Too many questions.” ”Ah yes”.org.” . and I’m your replacement on the council. Martin is not your bitch. he knew well the austere granite path and rugged stone stairs that led to the maesters’ solar. so this is the game. the others had already been assembled.” The dark British stranger rose.” protested Roland.his former apprentice .” ”Ser Martin. Oh. George R. After twelve years of faithful service. Werthead looked uncomfortable.” Roland regarded the stranger with narrowed eye.. “It is eagerly anticipated by all of us. “Yes. in light of George R. he spread his arms wide and spoke the customary greeting.

”And lastly. R. R.. Martin is not your bitch!” .” ”George R.” This time the whole table stood as one. Martin is not your bitch.63 - .”Then. Martin is not your bitch!” ”George R.” ”And.” protested Roland “why have we not heard from Ser Martin these past.” Speakman this time. undeterred. Ser Neil. I wish you good fortune in explaining to the smallfolk what Ser Martin’s been up to these past five.” ”George R..” then you can also explain why Ser Martin’s increased tariffs on Wild Car. ”George R. R. Martin is not your bitch....” Roland continued. if that is how it is to be. a unified cacophony that drowned out his pleas for reason. R.

He sought pleasure in many forms to distract himself until Dance would come out. posting on Star Wars forums. he had beaten every single MMORPG(a feat he didn’t think possible). But after perusing this post. something new had emerged: rage. But at the end of the day. again and again. Such was his agony. Never mind the constant drivel about the NFL and its inner workings. A simple exhalation of impatient breath.. The moment the once strong and resolute wall holding back the impatience. and had even tired of rocking out. Slynt certainly could see Martin was acting like one. playing MMORPGs. Early 2010: Has it been almost a year?. never mind the constant trips and breaks. After all. His mouth tasted of rot and tequila. now cracked and weathered. Martin failed to deliver. Five years waiting for this. best not think on that. despite numerous promises to the contrary. Martin? He wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t seen it himself. and before he knew it. And with a final sigh. His hope for the fabled dance with dragons had slowly diminished in a whirl of alcohol and missing memories. Feb. suddenly caved in and the deluge of angry sentiment covered his world.SLYNT (submitted by Iblis) Early 2009: It all began with a sigh. But in that absence. These were mostly understandable. and gorged on it until he could read no longer. Martin wasn’t his bitch. He was bitter enough without adding to his burden.. Teenage girls. 19th. the scruffy man in the ruined suit wondered. His harem of underage girls had vanished a year past.64 - . and the occasional head-thrashing session listening to heavy metal. . A constant frothing of white-hot rage so powerful Richard Rahl would piss himself in fear now ruled him. He had lost all but three teeth. He glanced over at his liquor cabinet longingly. he was making a beeline straight towards the nearest bottle of malt whiskey he could find. looking down on the new trilogy. monstrosity. Unthinkable. A novel of middling quality from George R. never mind the blatant peddling of merchandise no sane person would ever buy. How had it come to this? No. All his favorite sixteen year olds had grown up. 2009 at 7:00 PM.R. He could easily recall the final straw. He had successfully waited for Feast. And then the darkness came. It was this day Slynt’s heart was shattered. And now Slynt was desperate. he tore open the bottle and began pouring the fiery liquid down his throat.

”No more. He would sound the horn that would rally the masses. and had no place to call home. thirsty. . pawned off for more booze (including his child and girlfriend). looking around at his ravaged domicile. Cursing.” he whispered. “No more!” against the fallen nerd god known as George Martin.65 - . He was hungry. barely containing himself. the displaced mob that grew steadily day by day. He would organize them all in a defiant cry of. Witness! And in a thousand different places across the globe. but none of that mattered at the moment. except for a small laptop in the middle of the stained floor. And I will call them The Brave Companions. sleepy. Suddenly he was aware his right hand held a bottle of pure grain alcohol. “No more of sitting on the sidelines. and just possibly might be pissing himself. soaking the ugly floral print wallpaper.He stood. his soon-to-be Companions heard his cry.” He would rally the downcast. he threw it against the wall. And they knew it for what it was: Slynt Rage. Everything was gone.

A chapter at a time. He turned off the computer and went to find some food. They swam through the murk and came into sharp focus. He had changed his mind back and forth many times since then. Had it been that long? The muse had been kind to him today. Those dreaded words he had gazed upon at least once a month for the past decade. He reached for the backspace key. quotes meant using the shift key. He wiped them on his velvet-slashed vest and began to type. “Oh Ser Barristan!” Dany gasped. index finger on the ‘2’. He cast his mind back to the day. Certainly he would change it again many more times before he was happy with it. This was how the book would be written. Had it always been this hard? Keeping his finger on the shift. Eventually he typed the entire sentence out again. Ring finger on the shift key. With gargantuan effort. And they never appreciate it. he lifted his hand to the keyboard. The first character was the hardest. do they? The never appreciate the sacrifices I make on their behalf. Only then did he realize that he had forgotten to hit save. slid off the keys. Dam! He missed! He now had a capital letter ‘P’ on his screen. Almost ten minutes had passed. Doubt began to form in his mind. His fingers. a word at a time. many years ago. coated in chickengrease as they were. Breath rasped through his chest with the effort. . a page at a time. He reached for the ‘O’ key. He had successfully changed the short form name ‘Dany’ to the long form ‘Daenerys’. He glanced at the clock. Ten years.GEORGE (submitted by curiousorange) He gazed through the fug of cheese dripping from his eyebrows at the blurred monitor before him.66 - . ten years he had been gazing at those words. “Tweak my nipples! Tweak them harder!” He had done it. when he had first shortened it to ‘Dany’. The sentence was so much better for it. that was more work than he had completed in many a year. “Tweak my nipples! Tweak them harder!” Those words. “Oh Ser Barristan!” Daenerys gasped. Was this the right decision? He would have to review this new sentence many times over the months and years to come. and spent many long moments gazing at the results of his efforts.

Shawn and they’re not like to relent. scouring all the forums. Come. Shawn. “The wall of denial won’t hold much longer.SHAWN (submitted by kehnonymous) A light rain was beginning to fall as the aspiring author completed his rounds meeting with the various publishing houses. the smallfolk are on the verge of revolting. haha. haha. but they’d all been good rejections and good rejections were the currency by which aspiring authors bought hope.67 - .” ”Aye. Another round of rejections was hardly a surprise at this point. but right on schedule?” Werthead looked up. and mint flavored honey biscuits. It’s all I can do to answer their inquisitions.” Shawn laughed the carefree laugh of an aspiring author. Sooner or later the publishers will come calling and what then?” Shawn smiled condescendingly “A year’s delay? Haha. Ducking into a nearby coffeehouse. What if I explained to you that A Dance with Dragons isn’t late at all. It’s been five long years and we both know that A Dance will be late again this year. “I dare say they are revolting.” Werthead looked haggard. They’re not like to accept another year’s delay. it’s been hard work. Werthead cleared his throat grimly. he was accosted by an old friend from Suvudu.” They supped in silence over caramel lattes with frothy white cream.” . I’ve thought about hiring an Asshai mage to create mirror images of myself so I can reply to multiple forums at once. “I’m listening. golden hued biscotti cakes for trenchers. Without us to keep them in line. “The detractors are out in force. surely you can spare time for coffee with an old ally. ”Werthead! I’d not thought to see you around these parts.

“I have been raised too high. as well as Lego trees and castles completed the illusion. he fingered the small leather bag around his neck. and he had begun to foam at the mouth like a Flea Bottom cur. and so shall I. He looked past the wall of replica swords to his wardrobe. ”If this turns out as good as I think it will.” .RAN (submitted by krispistofferson) ”325 degrees for 20 minutes. A silver ankh glimmered about his throat. “Are two nipples so great a sacrifice. and then smothered in medium-sized slabs of Velveeta. painstakingly painted with a fine brush.” He went to the top dresser drawer and withdrew his finest raiment. George has entrusted me with too much. the one that held his nipples. the nipples that George had tweaked until they fell off when he was just an adolescent.” He sat in front of the computer. when now I have my choice of almost any slightly overweight LARPer or cosplayer at any comic convention within the continental United States? I think not.” He strolled past his card table that had been turned into Westeros. Exactly” He lowered his Casio calculator watch in triumph. Logging on with the sacred words “Valar Doharis” he quickly went to Westeros Boards. a black t-shirt emblazoned with the symbol of his house: A shirtless wizard riding a polar bear on a field of lightning bolts and a full moon. On the screen before him. “It’s past time I dressed in something besides pajamas. my lord?” His girlfriend had just finished a Whopper with cheese and the glistening stretchmarks he normally found so alluring suddenly left him cold. two men had dared the unthinkable. A sackful of White Castle sliders had been laid out in a baking pan. covered in Funyons. far beyond my meager beginnings” The smell of the White Castle-role brewing in the oven had made him drool like a newborn babe onto his keyboard. Some black Wrangler jeans and his knee-high suede Legolas boots completed the ensemble. ”Something troubles you. there’s man’s work to be done. his jaw clenched shut and his molars began to grind audibly. but as suddenly as the lightning bolt from the staff of a shirtless wizard. ”Something must be done about this Pesci and Liotta. “This will go badly for the trolls. admiring his Highlander: The Series wallpaper. Resin miniatures. but the King abides. I really must e-mail the recipe to George.68 - . He had never attempted such a gourmet feast before. The ingredients were laid out thusly.” Absent-mindedly.

using his stage voice. and make it two cans of Dinty Moore and don’t forget the biscuits and honey. . “See you in 20 minutes. I need Stew and Chicken. Ty grabbed his keys and put on his flip-flops. stay cool. has someone been in my drawers recently? He pondered this a while. Blood of the dragon. each new word more shrill and plaintive than the last. early in his childhood. Oh. but the Hover-Round is broken and I can’t be expected to walk all the way to the driveway.” There was a click and George was gone.. You can do this. Now that he was able to afford them. Long ago.” George’s silence was actually quite noisy as he continued to gulp air into his lungs. Darker colors go on the right. I really need your help.. wonderful! So listen: I have a craving for Dinty Moore Stew and a bucket of Popeye’s. and the familiar melody of My Heart Will Go On complimented the pleasant vibrations exactly as he had planned when he bought the ringtone. ”Of course. Mustn’t keep genius waiting. Ty nearly fainted from shock.TY (submitted by Scorpiknox) He had just finished folding his laundry. he thought.” he responded cheerfully enough.” Ty was forced to project.” Ty hoped he hadn’t sounded as eager to George as he had just sounded to himself. you know I’d normally take the van and get it myself. Just then he felt a startling yet welcome sensation below his belt. arranging his socks appropriately. “Please… gasp… Ty. he’d kept that promise. I will do it.” Ty was disappointed but not surprised.69 - . “OK George. well. he discovered that he’d received a letter.” George’s voice had risen in pitch as he went on. you ser have my hearty thanks. um. The boss was calling. it is you. Hmmm. Ty perked up at this. Stay cool bro. George. So why should this day be any different? He let out a good natured sigh as he pressed the retrieve call button. ”This is Ty. probably not.. No. Upon examination of the front of the envelope. George didn’t pay him enough to live on the nice side of Santa Fe. Sure. it’s Ty. “There shall be a royal welcome when you arrive. Finally he spoke. You name it. each dragon shirt neatly folded and placed one on top of another. ”Wonderful Ty. He paused for a moment. but that had never stopped George from calling before.. Opening the jaws of his dragon shaped mailbox and reaching inside. He sighed contentedly and began placing his freshly washed collection into his dresser. his breath heavy. it was Ty’s day off. I. he had made a pact with himself to buy as many shirts with dragons on the front as he could.” a pause for breathing. On his way to the curb where his car was parked. ”Oh. Martin refused to speak on anything but an old rotary telephone from the 1970s and the handset was showing its age. Perhaps help with Dance. locking the dead-bolt on his way out. Mr.” George paused.” ”Is this Ty? Hello?” The man on the other line sounded like his mouth was full of marbles. ”Yes George. Now. His new iPhone was ringing. Ty. Ty realized that he’d forgotten to check the mail that day. yes. admiring his sizable collection. By the end of his request he sounded like an out of breath steam-whistle. and you could never be too careful with your valuables. “Ty.

70 - . “Now. Ty drove off wondering how his boss had sent a text from a rotary phone. and each time the letter said the exact same thing. I’m rich! Filthy stinking rich! To be safe.It read: You may have won 10. finding a pack of gum in the process. he folded the envelope up and put it in the cargo pocket of his cargo shorts.000 dollars!!! Was it really addressed to him? Aye. . ”Oh cool. He read it again and again.” he said out loud to no one in particular. I have just won ten million dollars.000. gum. Did it really have his name on it? Verily. should I get the stew or the chicken first?” Ty felt a brief buzz on his leg. This is turning out to be a pretty good day. He opened the passenger door of his Geo Metro and slid into the driver’s seat. just to be sure his eyes were not deceiving him. He took out his phone and read the text message: From GRRM: Get the stew first so the chicken is still hot when you get here.

” A muffled reply came down the hallway. the late-night excursions to the corner market to assuage his Hostess jones. “George. It may seem a small thing to some. No one knows the toll it’s taken. as well as inquiries after Mystic Spiral Trader t-shirts. It’s nice. Checking her email. nurtured the young plants.” ”I might need his help with the book. too.. The moderate success in Hollywood had left them comfortable. She ambled walked through the kitchen to the hallway. Have to get Ty to see to that. Then a new thought troubled her. But false hopes draw true blood. With a heavy sigh. We oughta get somethin’ fer his wages. Even after all these years. she thought bitterly.PARRIS (submitted by porkins) She smoked her way across the narrow swath of garden.. But then. and that had been parlayed into further success. decades even. No.” She ignored that last as she moved on to the living room and her own computer. This’ll just lead to more calls for my chili con queso. she made her slow ascent of the porch stairs. The books had been more well-received than either of them had hoped. . to know that I’ve grown something. “Where’s Ty? Why ain’t he here yet? The butt bucket needs emptyin’ agin. her wracked and weary body protesting every tread. Possibilities stretched out before her. And himself seldom able to mount the stairs. Planted the seeds. The new crop of chiles was coming in nicely.. And I suppose all I’ll get for my troubles will be another condescending ‘Thanks.. that just leads to more anguish. Her man had shown promise and drive. it caught her eye. noting the dribbled trail of Horsey sauce leading back to the office. Never again. even.” ”Aw Phipps.. “Swalla’ first. The world had looked different then. And now that damned library tower to look after.71 - . Then. Pretending to like stories about knockoff X-Men characters. she finds several requests for conplanning overflowing coffee can. ”Well. much less anything else.. Phipps!’ That’s not my name anymore.” If only it were so. “Just get ‘im on the bucket before he starts in on screenin’ yer blog.” The nasally sound of his voice worked its way through her body. He lies so well that he believes it himself.” she screeched. A different woman. the endless dusting of miniatures and knockoff swords. though. She stubbed out her Pall Mall in the rusty. spent as his assistant and partner. sounding like a sloth being smothered by a pillow. but she felt a hint of satisfaction from seeing through the project. I can’t unnerstand you!” ”I sent him out for some chicken and stew! I wanted a snack before dinner. It was the term of endearment for a much younger woman. Years. making her shoulders hunch in and tying her own innards into knots. she reflected. and then tending them until they bore fruit. get ‘im on the smoke bucket when he’s back. too.I’ve told you it’s not really a blog.

I’ve got to go wash under the rolls and folds anyway.72 - . ser. . but you go too far.A post on a message board. Someone expressed doubt about him finishing the books. I have my own doubts. She fought back her desire to lash out at he offender. Let Elio do it. but remembered that someone else would likely take care of the problem.

For the moment. eating the skin first then putting the chicken and gravy in the bucket with the biscuits and honey. Finish the book George indeed. and mashing it all to a paste with his thick. warm and sunny with nary a cloud in the sky. and would pretend fight to the death to protect the honor of the man that sat in his office watching them. It is wise to plan for defeat. A glimmer of motion coming from the window caught his attention. but he’d finally shown up with the food. the droppings would make for a nice crispy snack later. that was good. He rolled his slashed velvet office chair along the wooden floor of his office. George was done feasting. but his true motivation for going was to at long last confront those who had lead the faction of traitors and turncoats that dared question him. Ty was in the yard leading his LARP group in their daily training exercises. He’d managed to get most of it down his throat. . George was not a reckless man. he thought. he opened up his itinerary for the upcoming trip to Chicago.GEORGE (submitted by scorpiknox) Ty had taken his sweet fucking time getting here with the the Popeye’s and Dinty Moore.” he typed. George had wolfed down the chicken and biscuits. “Exactly. As good a day as any for it. And can I at least take a few days off? This is my blog last time I checked.73 - . George would be safe from the dark voice of criticism. He was writing his battle plan. For dessert he’d pried open the cans of stew and slurped out their contents at room temperature. Duct tape and foam swords clashed under the sun. and George could hear the smack-smack-smack of nerd-battle through the double paned glass. he thought. The day of reckoning would soon be at hand. They would circle him and protect him from that which he did not want to hear by singing a rousing chorus of In the Air Tonight. placing the morsel between his front teeth. Ooh. but a sizable amount had dribbled into his neckbeard. George smiled at this. Liotta and Pesci would be there. and a small chunk of potato fell onto the keyboard. powerful fingers. even when victory is assured. Only his most trusted advisers knew the truth: C2E2 was but a means to an end. passing by his writing computer for the fifth time that afternoon. He began typing. and George planned on emerging from the impending battle victorious. It was a beautiful day outside. He slowly bit down. Like a striking cobra. Of course he would graciously show up and sign autographs in between meals. He left the mess. They’d sworn an oath to protect their Liege. It is you who will be finished when I am through eviscerating you with the power and fury of my eloquence. “What he said. Should he fall in the battle of words. his otherwise clumsy fingers tapping with a precision borne of practice. he would still have his GRRMsguard at his side. Regardless of what may transpire. Saddling up to the internet machine.” He was writing his legacy. his hand shot out and back to his mouth. The twelve of them wore the white and gold foam and plastic amour of the GRRMsguard. I am a genius. and it was not A Dance with Dragons. I should write that down. George’s favorite song. imagining that the potato was the head of Liotta squishing under the might of his wrath.

he the great Ser Neil of Gaiman would handle the black knight. Neil’s work here was down and he was about to break his contract with the GRRMsguard and go home.” the black knight growled. George of Martin? They certainly put him in his place. Truth be told the GRRMsguard should have known that Roland was a traitor. he was a hack who the small people liked and was incredibly wealthy. His helm was fashioned to resemble a snarling dog. George is not your bitch thundered through Neil’s head. “Tell your obese. How had that knave had the temerity to question the Lord of all he surveyed. He was quite proud of being the man who had created that line from which there was no defense. How had he even gotten into the Keep of Broken Promises? Never mind that. He was about to order two of his lackeys to run and get him a color card and some paint pots.. He really wanted to paint his house..” . when a cloud scudded across the sun and darkness settled over the courtyard. Neil still had a pleasant afterglow from what he and the other members of the GRRMsguard had done to Roland of Gilead. even his name bespoke of an allegiance to another King.NEIL (submitted by aussiechris) The celebrated knight Ser Neil of Gaiman stepped out of the darkness of the keep’s main building into the sun dappled courtyard. It had been a good day. but then he rallied and boldly replied “I’m not your bitch!” While Neil was still congratulating himself on his unmatchable wit the black armored knight’s shield smashed into his face. Before he could challenge the newcomer a gravelly voice issued from behind that fearsome helm “Where’s that fat sack of suet you call a Lord?” The arrogance of the man! Neil was taken aback for a moment. A shadow crossed the handsome knight’s face as he remembered that his own Lord. George of Martin had also not won a Hugo for his long fiction. but it was not something that any of the GRRMsguard dared mention in front of him.bitch. ”Who are you?” Neil whimpered through a mouthful of broken teeth.74 - . breaking his nose and shattering his teeth. he had to get the shade in his library just right. lazy master that the Brave Companions are coming. He became enraged and started shouting for the head of Queen Jo of Hogswart. ”The name is Iblis. One from the faraway Kingdom of Maine. Ser Neil looked up and striding towards him was a knight all armored in black. Neil fell to the flagstones of the courtyard and stared up at the fearsome knight looming over him. but unlike Ser Neil he had not been the champion of San Jose and Montreal and come away with the glittering prize of the Hugo.

she had to keep her vows.” ”No.. She had to find her blue pen with the red lid.. tired of avoiding work.Still. It was not until she arrived at her desk that Mir realised someone had stolen her favorite pen! Asshats! Mir vowed she would do no work until she had her pen back so she set off on a long and arduous search.” Mir declined to enter into his trap and resumed her search. “Have you seen my pen? It’s blue with a red lid. she decided it would probably not be a good idea to turn home.BRIENNE MIR (submitted by mir8182) Mir was late for work again! She shoved a handful of papers into her bag and dashed out of the house not realizing that she had left her favorite pen on her desk.. ser. She kept her vows.” Mir addressed the tubby man behind the receptionist desk. Warm toast dripping with butter. Mir nearly gave up her fruitless search but no.” he grunted Possibly tomato sauce. Finally. “Try the stationery cupboard. It may have been travelling with an eraser or perhaps a pencil. Mir made her sad way home certain that her pen was lost. And she needed her job. Will I never find my blue pen? She thought desolately to herself.75 - .. But when she arrived. what did she see? Her pen! And to think she had wasted all day and all your time in reading this piece of garbage when she was never going to find what she was looking for at work! . cereal soaked with milk. She kept her vows.. She wandered all day up and down the long corridors. Her stomach started to complain on the long trip to work and she wiped the drool off her velvet slashed t-shirt as she dreamt of all the food she could be eating. He looked like an outlaw but Mir was not daunted. Many times throughout the day. ”Excuse me. his beard was unkempt and his shirt was stained with food. She was almost caught by her boss three times but each time she deviously ducked into the toilet and avoided capture. The man had seen better days.

”Gods.. If he’d had any friends. damnit! Are you there?” ”Arst4n. R. Tonight. They’d shunned him. fap. his mother screamed. His fingers danced over the keyboard until he found a maiden slight of bosom and tight in the arse. fap. He’d begged for forgiveness.” His ardor suitably diverted. Aaaaarst4n. He dug under his breeches and dirty grey smallclothes and fumbled vainly for his little pink prick Fap. a stalwart band of brothers. Arst4n turned back to and imagined what it would be like to interact with real. Yes. He mixed it together with pease and loudly devoured the pasty drab-colored gruel. all those worries took a backseat to 4chan. His pleas had fallen upon deaf ears and Slynt himself had put him to the banhammer. From the stairs above. ”Arst4n Arst4n.ARST4N (submitted by kehnonymous) The air in this mother’s basement was redolent with the dank musty stench of mildewed raiments from Hot Topic and discarded porn.he claimed . And that led to the scandal with the pictures. It looked at Arst4n. a mere lad of three and ten who’d spent the last ten years in his mother’s basement. The Mountain that Didn’t Write and his legion of sycophants would be in for a surprise the next morning.. ”WHAT IN BLAZES ARE YOU DOING?!”. with a crimson and gold cat costume. Arst4n Whitebeard’s piglike eyes glistened in the dim light as his stubby.76 - .” he blurted. but he did. he thought once again of the Brave Companions and remembered that their fight was his fight too.. by the gods. Clean up this pigsty now and get a job. ”Hey. fap. after all . actual women.he was but a man not yet grown.. lint-crusted fingers pried open another smallpurse of Cheetos. A rat wandered across his desk. .. fap. He looked up his browser’s old bookmarks and found George R. recoiled away in disgust and scurried back towards its hole. the door opened and his mother peered down into the basement. sisters too. “Arst4nnnnnnn. Arst4n. he’d learned. For a time he’d found common cause with The Brave Companions. Martin’s Not-A-Blog.” ”Arst4n?” His mother slammed the door shut. lad. you!” His mother preferred to yell at him from the top of the stairs. And then. He was an ageless enigma to the few who knew him. once upon a time.. it smells awful down here! How long has it been since you last showered? Answer me. Fap.” ”Look. I’m only going to say this once. He worked long into the night and. his lioness of Lannister.

It was a very good thing he had.” an operation he’d become more familiar with than programming his DVR to record all NFL-related programs (which took some doing) and that he’d come to think of as hitting on the head with a hammer a filthy mole that had tunnelled into the pristine garden where his fair lady Parris grew pot. you lazy good-for-nothing layabout!” Quick footsteps echoed. then another hour putting the final touches to his plan to deal once and for all with Pesci and Liotta. or myself of avoiding being hit by the banhammer. yes. I know nearly everyone else who visits your billboar –I mean blog does. Often. But then. The “all fools” part was true as far as George’s opinion of the people who visited his blog went. those that stood a chance of directly earning him a profit. so he’d prepared to turn off his computer. Banhammer. And not only was that stain in response one of the messages he truly cared about. coming closer and closer. his voice resonating throughout the dimly-lit tower. Had you noticed that? Anyway. Again. George liked to think that if he shouted loudly enough. 00:00 am (UTC) Hello. That last task had exhausted him mentally. P. he straightened up and spun his massive chair around. “Get in here. I like that one. Do you remember A Dance with Dragons? Your supposed number one priority? The 800-pound gorilla on your shoulders? I know I do. on a whim. so I just wanted to drop by and wish you a happy All Fools’ Day. had probably prevented a number of sales of waterlogged RPG books and crappy miniatures. panting. And. Martin! I’m so very glad that you’ve provided me and everyone else with the opportunity to buy the next exciting Wild Cards volume.77 - . then he’d spent an hour replying to emails. I know this message doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of surviving your or your lackey Ty’s scrutiny. he’d decided to go view the responses his latest brilliant posts had garnered. mocked him. The Brave Companions. George quickly deleted the offending post and banned “slyntrage. “TY!!” he bellowed. inexcusable. because messages even tangentially related to ASOIAF receive about ten times as many responses as this one likely will. though. and much worse. In fact. then a middle-aged man came into the room. George sat in his dark chair at his dark desk inside his dark library tower. too. he thought darkly. but he strongly suspected it had been implanted there by one of his new Enemies. he’d shake the place’s foundations. That task done.S: SLYNT RAGE!!!1!!” Infuriating. also as usual. A quick look into George’s fierce raptor eyes (or so he liked to think of . I’d be even more grateful if I also had the opportunity to buy A Dance with Dragons. hunched over his computer. given that it was a certain someone else’s task to prevent negative posts from ever being seen by Georgey pigeons who visited his website. then finally he’d spent his usual five minutes of writing A Dance with Dragons.GEORGE (submitted by krafus) On a dark night. Because “all fools” must be what you think of the suckers who buy the stuff you peddle or still believe you’ll someday finish Dance. but the whole thing was intolerable all the same. Mr. 2010. Those who defied him. As if Pesci and Liotta weren’t enough! The message that had attracted his attention and then his ire read thus: Quote: ”slyntrage wrote: Apr 1. He’d spent most of day posting venomous messages about the Republican Party on a dozen political message boards. Again there was a seditious post among the comments.

Ty wouldn’t dare lie to him.” George didn’t recall those conversations.” Ty answered quickly in a tight. focus on the activities that really matter to you. Over the years he’d developed the ability of appearing to have every bit of his attention focused on the other person speaking to him. Mr. Martin. and as long as you give out the occasional breadcrumb of hope that they’ll get what they want. but . At least then it partially made up having to pretend to care about their vapid conversation. Knowing from experience it meant his lackey was all but bursting with tense nervousness. even though he was secretly thinking of more pleasant things and wished the annoying loser would just wander away. I’ll let it slide.” “Yes. politics. Why didn’t you?” ”I’m. You can’t like that. Ty finally dared look up and meet his employer’s eyes. no matter whether it was their bosses or they themselves who assigned that due date. nipple-twisting or possible profits. Ty. “Even worse. Martin.” Now that the danger was past. go on any number of vacations.” His smile vanished.78 - . Martin. You can ignore your fans.I’m sorry.” George went on. a smile growing on his face. But you’d better not slip up again like this anytime soon. which means it could have cost me a few sales before I spotted it. Mr. ”It’s your task to locate and root out that sort of filth before anyone else sees it. and he turned his chair to look at the computer’s darkened screen. until Ty began helplessly wringing his hands. wander away after buying some bit of merchandise. he finally spoke up. “Then you can do whatever the hell you want and get away with it. Mr. And three more times the week before yesterday. “Too bad they haven’t yet found a way to rid the Internet of the Brave Companions. still refusing to meet his Lord and Master’s gaze. George let the silence drag on several moments.” ”When did you tell me that?” ”Three times yesterday. Not after the punishment he’d received the last time George had suspected him of doing so.them) and frowning expression was all Ty needed to know he was in trouble again. Mr. ”I found another defiant message which I strongly suspect come from those vermin who call themselves the Brave Companions. Anyway.” The relief in Ty’s voice was palpable. like me. all people who call themselves professionals must be able to finish their tasks and duties on time.” George intoned. it was in my latest sales pitch. I had an appointment with my ophthalmologist late this afternoon. but then again that wasn’t surprising given he tended to pay real attention only to conversations about football. when I thought I had won 10 million dollars. the great majority of the idiots will do whatever you want them to.” ”Yes. Martin. Which means I’ll have to deduct from your salary again. Mr. This time. ”No matter what their profession. ”Except when you become rich and popular. ”Very well. As I told you. can you?” ”No. frightened voice. Martin. and his gaze sought the safety of the polished floor. Or better yet. and even defend you tooth and nail against the minority of detractors who may have arisen in the meanwhile.

but they’ve made definite gains. You said their numbers were growing only slowly. even if they exceed all my projections. Mr. ”Although what?” ”I –I haven’t had time yet to write a full report.79 - . The Toronto Star article linking to the Companions’ website.” Ty said in the most soothing voice he could muster. and. “I assure you. I know. Martin!” Ty answered eagerly. the Brave Companions will never be more than a thorn in your side. but I couldn’t help it! He was contradicting me and indirectly supporting the Republicans!” ”I know. ”Yes.I’ll settle for them being contained to their little crummy website while I deal with Pesci and Liotta. Bring me supper.” He didn’t need to add that the pizza would be all for himself. Mr. to hell with them. and this time there was no real vehemence in his voice. Ran allowing a link to that article to subsist on his website for several hours. Those have tapered off since then. Mr. but March 25 wasn’t a good day for us due to an unfortunate confluence of events. ah.” ”I’m not so sure about that. They just got past you and maybe cost me a few sales didn’t they?” But George’s anger had passed. This time I want an all-dressed extralarge pizza instead of stew and chicken. “Ah. but then his tone grew hesitant. Mr.” ” Damn it! I knew I should have banned that punk Iblis after his first post. “Although…” George’s head snapped around and his gaze impaled his assistant’s before it could flee again. your posting duel with the prominent Companion Iblis all combined to boost the Companions’ guests numbers and new adherents to record levels. Martin. correct?” ”Yes. Martin. Martin!” .

. especially after what happened last time’ he shuddered to himself remembering being beaten by Ran and Linda with his own replica sword Needle until his arse cheeks were bloody and his cock turned black. I shall hold no lands. Werthead tentatively answered hoping it was not his dealer. Perhaps not..bitch.. the detractors were out in full force these days and his burden was getting heavier and their counter arguments harder for him to disprove... It all started with a promise a few years ago. But since the Uprising of the Brave Companions and the Others Pesci and Ray. he’d even slipped up badly on Westeros lately and one night during a frenzy when he’d snorted too much coke even dared to disagree with GRRM on his NAB. a rasping voice responded. “I really wish GRRM would provide me with an assistant so I don’t need to resort to stimulants’ he sighed to himself…’perhaps if I ask him again? I haven’t slept in over a week or changed my small clothes. He realised his drug addled thoughts were bordering on treachery and firmly chanted his mantra “I am the Watcher on the Web. have no social life until all the detractors are dead or have been converted and seen the error of their ways. Werthead knew he needed sleep desperately. His recent meeting with Shawn was also distracting to Wert and he couldn’t stop thinking about their recent conversation..WERTHEAD (submitted by montage) The Watcher on the Web clicked on the reply icon and sat back in his chair pondering his next move on the sffworld forum... He ground his teeth together…. He wouldn’t be surprised to receive a summons from the High Council soon and likely have his nipples twisted or worse. ’I am coming. Although he loathed Shawn and would dearly love to throw him through the Moon Door he had to wonder whether ADWD was in fact on schedule. the shield that guards the purity of all things related to GRRM. father no children. even torn off to add to the collection of dried up nipples adorning GRRM’s bulging neck ... If this was true then his Watch could end for a few years or at least until the inevitable delay of the next instalment.’ The telephone rang. I pledge my utmost.. post on the NAB about NFL and mollify his dealer yet again as he’d blown the rest of his funds on water damaged Wildcards merchandise. “Promise me Adam’ he could still hear Parris’s voice pleading with him to stand vigilant against the darkness. interrupting his rambling. He pondered on this possibility for a moment and thought better of it. In the early days it was easy to fend off the odd disgruntled fan by boring them out of their minds with long winded posts. And as each year passed into another with no Dance the common folk were growing more and more restless… The night was still young but he still had another twenty two fantasy forums he needed to check on.80 - . Only the Master and Neil Gaiman were deemed worthy to have assistants. ’That should shut this GRRuMp up for a while ’ he thought to himself with smug satisfaction as he snorted a line of coke.. He may even be able to realise his dream of starting a hobby farm and raise zorses and breed noble goats and chickens that are not chickens.’ .

cigarette in hand as always. hon.” she favored him with a throaty chortle “We all know he’s got his limits in that department. ”How fares milady on this vernal evening?” Parris gave an amused chortle and sat down at the bar.” he replied earnestly. half-published..” Parris absently puffed on her Pall Mall. especially this convention jig.” ..and y’all been great and I ain’t officially passed the torch but I think it’s time that. ”Of course. she tousled his thinning hair.. and then Parris turned away towards the side closet. Parris’ laughter boomed across the hall.. even with me.” A meaningful glance. She rolled her eyes and continued. but of A Dance with Dragons. you know that’s not something he shares.. “I reckon there’s trouble brewing from the ‘Brave Companions’. affecting a courtly. so I’ll thank y’all to keep your council and keep it in your pants... ”Ty. Hope against can’t just let a garden go neglected. if mawkish.. stammered Ty.81 - ... askin’ questions they got no business askin’. A Dance with Dragon’s ain’t the only thing he hasn’t accomplished in the last five years. Was she really. Ain’t seen anything like this mob and I know that Ran and his council will do what for. expertly flicking ash onto a badly painted Jaime miniature. require assistance untying your Mereenese knot. er.. the one he’d preordered in bulk for himself. of course! I live to serve. boy. Don’t care what that Speakman git says . this is serious as it gets. ”Well met. And now I’m a published author. amateur boy.” ”PHIPPS! MY SHIRT IS STUCK TO MY BACK!” came the roar from above. this shipment would sate his master’s appetites for a good fortnight.” Martin had always been free with his counsel regarding Fevre Dream or Wild Cards. They were stacked twelve pallets wide and ten high and by Ty’s reckoning. milady?” Gods.. but wake up and smell the reefer. at this convention jig. his parents and his Friday night LAN party gang.TY (submitted by kehnonymous) He’d been a mere lad of two and twenty when he first set foot in the library tower. He allowed himself a little skip in his step as he strolled into the smallkitchen to sort his master’s latest shipment of Dinty Moore Venison Stew. half-bow. if ya follow my meaning. She wore a verdant green Mystic Spiral tunic today with an embroidered silver dragon. needs someone to hear his yammerin’ . but George needs a right hand attendant. Parris sauntered in. “D’you ever wonder what George means when he talks about whacking away at the Mereenese knot?” ”Well.. ”Oh y’all LARPers are so cute with yer medieval thing. George AND Parris both need me..? She’s a passing fair sight still and not much worse than my wife ”Do you. “Ty. ”Silly. ”And who you nominating? You? ‘A man full grown’ he calls you! Hah! Heard it’s been a long time since you last ‘took the pink’. silly Ty.. Parris”. Good ol’ reliable Ty”. not even Ty had heard a word...he gets so needy at times .

Might even make the sponge bath bearable. “I ain’t cracked up so hard since I spiked my weed with catnip. Parris’ laughed again.Ty’s cheeks burned. you kewpie. Ty silently resumed his chores.82 - . I sure needed that”. ”Oh come on. you silly. Parris’ chuckles echoed in his mind as he prepared the rest of the venison stew for his master’s midnight feeding.” Parris fumbled in the closet for something.” She found the brush and sponge and was still giggling as she departed up the library tower. “But seriously. as she tousled his hair again. softer this time. at seeing his crestfallen expression. . coughing out peals of laughter. Turn that frown upside down. thanks for the laugh.

they’ll be set upon by my Faceless Men and dealt with. and have fun with her nipples that night. True. the Faceless Men were in fact a sub-sect of his fans much more prominent for their fanatical devotion to him than for their fighting skills. The blinding light lasted only a second. perfect. they should be able to overcome two more wimpy nerds like themselves. and the Faceless Men would die before they betrayed him. I will lure Pesci and Liotta into a trap with the promise of an interview in some darkened building or alley. but I won’t be there. along with directions to electronics stores that sold that kind of stuff. After all.” a male voice answered calmly. they had bugged the two Others’ hotel room even before they arrived. He’d created plans A1 to A10. George had already decided that C4 would involve the explosive of the same name.GEORGE (submitted by krafus) Let’s see. And so. ”Sit down. Another brilliant. going over Plan B2 once again as he sat at night in front of his computer in his library tower. And it was so much more fun than even pretending to write A Dance with Dragons… Suddenly his dark study was illuminated as brightly as if a piece of the sun had appeared behind him. Some invisible force took hold of George and gently but frimly sat him back down in his huge chair. preparing to flee. ”Is someone in here?” he called out. Instead. Ah well. he’d made the huge sacrifice of foregoing two daily hours of cruising NFL and political discussion forums in favor of creating a myriad of plans to deal with Pesci and Liotta. but even so. George chortled. His heart beating wildly in his heart. yet it was familiar all the same. Variety’s why I’m creating so many plans. foolproof plan! Now that the Brave Companions were making more and more of a nuisance of themselves. he pivoted his chair and stood up. therefore providing me with a rocksolid alibi. George was sure he’d never heard it before. why. George mused. would have come from George would never be discovered.83 - . when Pesci and Liotta get there. As to how the Faceless Men had come to know the location and hour of the interview so as to intercept Pesci and Liotta. The emails would have been carefully deleted and erased (George had accumulated a lot of experience at deleting stuff over the years). was now in the process of finishing the B series.” the voice said in a reassuring tone. ”We are. and had begun work on the C series. but it was enough to blind George as he heard the sound of wood ominously creaking under the weight of something tremendously heavy. so it was best to be prepared for all possible eventualities. at ten-to-two odds. Meanwhile. He closed his eyes and instinctively raised his arms defensively in front of his face. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together will have to acknowledge that that is a much more preferable activity to being interviewed by two nerds. George had decided he needed more than one plan to deal with Pesci and Liotta. he couldn’t be sure exactly what would be the conditions when he got to the convention. I’ll pick out the best combination of beauty and star-struck dumbness I can find among my female fans at that convention. That the suggestion to do so. his voice tight with fear. though he had no idea where he could get his hairy hands on that kind of stuff. . We are not here to harm you.

But why take the risk of revealing themselves to him? To get him to admit where he’d hidden some his stash of undeclared money? Could they be IRS agents? ”We are not here to steal your money or arrest you for tax evasion. but this time it was in eagerness. bearded man with huge food stains on his frumpy clothes sitting in the left corner of the room. I’m almost offended.” He pointed to the impossibly fat one. Robbers like the one who had stolen one of his replica sword two years ago? That made more sense. As a veteran reader of fantasy fiction. George’s vision finally cleared and he behold the three strangest beings he’d ever seen.” the golden man said. “And this is Sloth. gripping the armrests tightly. bearded man in a stylish suit that seemed made of shining gold from head to feet. “We are here to offer you incredible magical powers in return for… certain things. The middle one was a plump. The ‘GRRiMlins. What had the intruders just done to him? And what did they want with him? They couldn’t be assassins sent by the Others or the Enemies. in a detached sort of way.” Again George’s heart sped up. Even the slumped one seemed amused. looking as unconcerned as could be.” Greed’s smile widened. Well. The golden man smiled. we can. “Just what do you mean by ‘certain things’?” he asked warily. The second was an incredibly.” the golden man agreed with a small nod. and now realized that his voice sounded somewhat like his own. was anything but reassured.George. ”Not much. ”Why. ”So we do. inhumanly fat. sitting in the right corner of the room. clothes and shoes included. George realized that all three men. slumped man. Just the souls of a few hundreds of your fans. “Don’t you recognize us? You’ve been one of our greatest disciples almost all your life. in one distorted way or another. George’s heart leapt in his throat. the man gave a huge yawn and slumped back against the wall. They could read his mind! ”Yes. I doubt the third member of our party can be bothered to do so…” There was a note of immense weariness in the voice. Incredible magical powers? He could be a superhero like those in his beloved Wild Cards series! He would be able to smite the Others and the Enemies with righteous magical fury! But wait. He was the one who had been speaking to George thus far. “This is Gluttony.” the voice said. Our true shapes would drive you instantly to madness. George.’ I believe they are called in some quarters?” .” ”Who are you?” George gasped fearfully. The third. George. looked like him. as did the grossly fat one. was another plump man in threadbare clothes right out of the seventies. With a start.” The golden man waved at himself. no. “We like to take forms at least a little familiar who those we seek out. at least two of us can. most normal one. otherwise he’d already be dead. he’d read about far too many deals with evil supernatural beings that had been anything buy advantageous to the mortals who made those deals. Presumably this intruder had been the source of the creaking sound he’d heard earlier. George thought he could see the floor actually bending under the man’s weight. his vision still blurry. “I am the Sin of Greed.84 - .” He waved at the unconcerned. As George watched him.

” ”Martinis. unfulfilling liv–“ George frowned and gave a sharp wave of his right hand to interrupt Greed. you will gain other magical powers as time goes by. Who knows. “So. as I mentioned. ”I’m afraid Sloth is too lazy to bother communicating with a puny mortal. From him. then. to… attract all loose. or was Greed glowing a little more brightly. Like Star Trek red shirts. nearly shouting.” The Sins began to fade away. by focusing your mind. “But those are all lame-ass powers! And I’m already capable of not doing anything productive for months. ”Caveat emptor applies here. and Sloth slumping even more? ”We do!” George exclaimed with an enthusiastic nod.” ”What?!” George asked again. Tell me what powers I’ll have instead. They’ll keep on living. Once that week has passed. who yawned again. Still. by touching someone else. easily replaceable resource. “What?” ”From me. Therefore. “Ty tells me that’s what the Brave Companions call them.” Greed said. The souls of a hundred Martinis for each of us Sins. What did he care about three hundred losers he’d probably never known and almost certainly never would have known in any case? As far as George was concerned. his voice low and wavering. forgotten change that could be lying about within thirty feet of you as if you were magnetized!” George blinked. do we have a deal?” Was it George’s imagination. mind you. and in any case the price of such powers would have been much higher. you can use the power again. Gluttony becoming a little fatter. for a few instants. . more loudly. you will now and forevermore have the power. he thought. make that person so lazy he or she won’t do anything productive for a whole week.” Gluttony said. his smile widening.” Greed said. You can use this power by focusing your mind and thinking about free food. what do I care about imparting that power to others for a week?! I want really useful or powerful ones. Still.’ it sounds more classy. the Sin’s smile turning mocking. Incredible magical powers at that cheap a price? Hell yes! ”Excellent! We’ll begin collecting those souls tomorrow. you now and forevermore have the power to. but they’ll live unhappy.” ”Very well. “you now and forevermore have the power to locate and bring to yourself by levitation all leftover food within thirty feet that hasn’t yet been put to trash. others will appear with the passage of time.” That would be one of the easiest bargains George had ever made. I’m afraid.85 - . Greed looked at Sloth. ”A nice analogy. I prefer ‘Martinis. the vast majority of his fans were a thoroughly expendable. then back at George.” ”What?!” George asked a third time. Some powers you will have or experience immediately. let it not be said that we Sins do not try to immediately satisfy those we make bargains with. “I don’t care about that. perhaps in time you’ll acquire some you actually like.George frowned a little. like flying or throwing lightning or becoming invulnerable!” ”You should have bargained for powers like those before you accepted our deal. so he asked me to pass on his message. from me.

hundreds of thousands!” But his entreaties were futile. George just felt like weeping. . the Sins were completely gone.”Wait!” George shouted desperately.86 - . The floor where Gluttony had been sitting creaked again as it returned to its original. A few instants later. intended shape. “We can make another deal! Take more of my fans’ souls! Take thousands of them! Tens.

and looked around.. and above that tower there was a flesh colored cratered moon that had a deep crack down the center. and shoved deep in that crack was a dark.” Haha. Damn you. however.. He quickly reached towards the nearest ivory tree and broke off a limb and proclaimed it the Stick of Truth then marched forward towards the giggles.. “What are you doing? These leaves from your stick are tickling my nose. GRRiMlin. I am the Soiled GRRiMlin Will you bow down and worship George’s Moon?” ”I worship no man.87 - .. rubbed his eyes. ”Who dares laugh at me?” Catching a glimpse of one of those people hiding in the bushes Tairy had a hardy laugh himself. The GRRiMlin leader moved forward... I know a GRRiMlin when I see one..TAIRY (submitted by silentmajority) A blinding light swept over him along with a piercing noise that caused him to cradle his head into his arms. Tairy held out the Stick of Truth and pointed it menacingly at the leader. and to his East he saw twelve leprechauns. “Pants on the Ground. dead thorn.” Despite being strategically placed in a fantasy story he knew that all GRRiMlins dressed the same no matter where they were found. but actually squirrels! The squirrels tore apart most of the GRRiMlins as they went for their jugular and the Achilles tendons. The only GRRiMlin .. “Who’s the asshole who put me in a fantasy novel? I don’t do fantasy you fuckers! I’m a serious literary mind.. a glistening rainbow that stretched across the horizon. replaced with ivory trees.. he also had the body odor of someone unfamiliar with a shower.damn you all to hell!!” Laughter was soon heard from behind the bushes. The Leprechauns were hooting and hollering as they were placing wagers on who would win the battle . no shoes. but better. ”Ahh Shit!” Tairy mumbled and looked towards the heavens.. “Where am I. In comparison they were so bad that they made a “Sword of Truth” novel look. and Tairy instinctively groped his sword that wasn’t there.” Now that was truly disgusting he thought.. The room he had been sitting in a while ago was gone.” Tairy pushed the Stick of Truth further into James face. “You might as well step out from the shadows. theirs were yellow. Tairy noticed that they were armed with rolled up unpublishable Manuscripts that would drive anyone who read it insane. It wasn’t long before the field was covered with corpses. only chaps! Tairy leaned over and threw up as this reminded him of when Speakman was wearing his chaps on the dance floor dancing to the song. What was happening he wondered? As the light and noise receded Tairy raised his head and staggered forward. six were sitting around a pot o’gold pounding down pints of Guinness while the other six were dancing an Irish jig. but actually a dairy cow. and what are you doing here?” ”I am James of the Speculating Horizon and these are my lands. Behind him stepped seven other GRRiMlins they too were wearing nothing but chaps.. Blood sprayed over Tairy’s face who laughed at the sight he saw. He was sitting high on a unicorn that wasn’t a unicorn. He was wearing his ceremonial pink chaps and a feather headdress. The Soiled GRRiMlin was about to have his men attack when out from the Stick of Truth shot a flock of birds that weren’t birds. To the North there was a huge tower that seemed to dwarf the rest of the world.well not much better. No shirt...

but from whom? Neither the GRRiMlins. Tairy plucked one leaf off of the Stick of Truth and set the stick aside. and GRRuMblers alike. .left standing was James the Soiled GRRiMlin. So there they stood facing each other. “I need to organize and go on the offensive myself before he realizes I’ve dispatched his men. now only wielding a leaf for a weapon. The wilderness was gone. James reached down and grabbed another rolled unpublishable manuscript. and also to count all his lucky charms he won. so I’ll need someone I can trust. so he now held one in each hand. nor the GRRuMblers like me. I’m a serious literary mind. He realized that it had been a while since he raped something. He tried to cover his ears.88 - .. ”Yes! Bob Stanek has an ax to grind with both GRRiMlins. He gulped and swallowed. and he was now back in his room that was padded on the floors and walls. “So George is getting aggressive and trying to take over huh?” He said to no one in particular. It’ll need to be a two prong attack. Strangely he noticed how James smelled better now that he was disemboweled. The chipmunk tried to get away. but actually a chipmunk fell from the branches. Goodkind. However. That was Tairy’s last thought before everything went blank. I’ll need help. A young nurse stepped through the open door with a tray. I’ll need to recruit him. it was fast. but first you need to take your medication alright?” the nurse then set the tray down and unzipped his trousers. but couldn’t because his hands were somehow restrained. and only I can save the world!” ”OK Mr.” ”What about Bob?” mentioned the cherry nosed leprechaun. so he could give Tairy his medicine. ”You will bow down and worship George’s Moon or you will die stranger. without missing a beat he strangled the GRRiMlin with his own intestines. Shaking his head he realized that his arms were crossing his body with both his sleeves tied behind his back.” Tairy slammed down the last of his beer. but not as fast as Tairy! As he was bearing down on the chipmunk a blinding light swept over him which was followed by the piecing noise. ”You must release me! NOW! The GRRiMlins are coming and only the Stick of Truth can save us! Release me now.. Having finished everyone off he grabbed his stick and headed over to the Leprechauns for a seat and a beer. as he felt a tightening in his Zebra colored Zubaz. I need to get a hold of Bob he’ll know how to get me out of.” With lightning quick speed Tairy moved on the offensive and disemboweled the Soiled GRRiMlin with one swipe of the leaf. besides having both his nipples gnawed off and one of his butt cheeks torn away James was unharmed. Reaching over he grabbed his stick by the shaft and shook it violently until a chicken that wasn’t a chicken.

(submitted by kehnonymous)

A dusky chill settled around the Tower of the Hand, and Ran felt his mood darken along with the evening sky. He strode over to the fire and put on another log, hoping that the room wouldn’t stay so damnably cold. One could never get too comfortable in the spartan quarters he shared with Linda. The price of being warden over his Lordship’s followers. So went his house words: But the King abides, and so shall I. Still, they’d done what they could to call the forboding tower home. The silk tapestries, purchased from the merchants of Mystic Spiral bore his house sigil - a shirtless wizard riding a polar bear on a field of lightning bolts and a full moon. Would that this wizard come riding on his polar bear now - we have need for one. Iblis’ assault on Ser Gaiman was unexpected, and an assault upon them all. ”Ran, sweetling, come play a MUSH game with me.” Linda cooed, absently rearranging some Tyrell figurines in a defensive formation around their hand-painted Highgarden pewter replica. ”Damnit, woman, open your eyes! We are at war now. Real, bloody war, the kind fought at LARPS with foam swords and rubber shields. A miniature game when Ser Neil lies wounded under the septas’ care? I think not. He paused. “Forgive me, lady, if I am wroth. It’s beyond my power to ban these Companions from the forums, so I find myself at a loss.” Linda came to him, and clasped his hands in hers. “You are forgiven, but it is not my forgiveness you seek, it is Ser Martin’s. Gods, Ran, how could we have let things come to this? We have been charged with stewardship of his empire and with enforcing the loyalty of his subjects. And it has been our privilege to serve. Ser Neil spoke the words truly: George R. R. Martin is not our bitch. But we are his, and now we must prove it on the field. Send our legions to Chicago - and a thousand crowns to the man who bring’s back the heads of Liotta and Pesci” Ran smiled. This was why he loved her, stretchmarks and all. “Your will shall be done.” ”No,” Linda sweetly corrected. “His will.”

- 89 -

(submitted by silentmajority)

Little Jimmy awoke coated in sweat to his mother yelling at him from atop the stairs, “Your late for work!” Shacking his head, and rubbing his eyes he then glanced over at his calendar. Good he thought, I don’t have to shower until next week. Swinging his feet onto the floor and sitting up he noticed that he wet the bed again. Damn he thought...oh well it’ll dry later. He stopped for a second to ponder his recurring dream. It had been a fun dream until this last time. Who was this Tairy guy he wondered? What was George’s Moon, and why did he instinctively want to lick and kiss it? He had a lot of questions, and no answers. ”Jimmmmmy, Grandma’s waiting for you to bathe her! Hurry up!” ”Just a second Ma!” He reached over and unplugged his Betty blowup doll, and layed back and pondered some more. Except for the hissing of his deflating sex doll, Jimmy was surrounded by silence, and alone with his thoughts. Frustrated because of all his questions he got up and started to pick up all his cumshot photos until he came across one of his Grandfather. ”If only Grandpa Arst4n was here he’d have the answers...” He mumbled under his breath. James Arst4n never felt like he could live up to his Grandfathers name. He had a few friends online, but most of them didn’t like his cumshot photos. He sighed. He tried to be a GRRuMbler, but they rejected him. He had to come to terms that he was just a lowly GRRiMlin. Not just any GRRiMlin though... ”I am the Soiled GRRiMlin” he said to himself. “I must get back to my lands! But first I must find out what the Tower and the flesh colored cratered moon with a dark dead thorn shoved in the crack is supposed to mean?” James then hopped onto the naked lady machine and emailed The Big Guy in hopes that he could get some answers. Just then his Mom called back down the stairs reminding him that he still had to give his Grandma a sponge bath. ”I’ll ask Grandma for a raise, and then fly to America to talk to Shawn! If George doesn’t have the answers then surely Shawn will!” With that James headed upstairs to begin his day of discovery.

- 90 -

(submitted by jaquelecaque)

George quickly finished typing about the NFL on his Not A Blog and hit submit. He had more to say on the subject but that would have to wait until his next entry. He had a more urgent matter to attend to. George had to pee. With much effort, he moved his bulk from his blogging chair onto his new Hoveround and headed towards the bathroom. As he passed his desk where he worked on A Dance With Dragons, he stopped. He looked at the computer and then slowly reached out and touched the keyboard. “That counts. See you next month.” He said aloud to the computer and then proceeded to the commode. George entered the tiny cramped bathroom. Actually, for anyone but George, the bathroom could be called spacious. He struggled to get off of the Hoveround and into the standing position. He did not need to unzip because he was undressed. Ty was making a run to Popeye’s and Parris was shopping for a winged unicorn snowglobe. He had no one to dress him. He stepped to the commode and glanced down before his girth eclipsed the toilet. “Hells! He roared. The toilet lid was down and on top of it was sitting an issue of Better Homes & Gardens. How could someone have forgotten to leave the lid up? He cursed Ty’s incompetence and Paris’s negligence. He cursed his doctor for not installing the catheter and colostomy bag so he wouldn’t have to suffer such nonsense as calls of nature. George made an attempt to reach the magazine and lid with his tubby arm. It was to far away. He would have to bend over. Very slowly he started to lean forward and as he did so, the fat on his back started shifting to the front threatening to unbalance him. This was not going to work. He gave up and reached under the rolls of his belly and grabbed hold of what he thought may be his penis. Even though he couldn’t see his cock, he judged that he might have it aimed correctly at the toilet and then he let loose. First hitting the tank of the toilet he adjusted and a stream of piss hit the magazine and lid sending urine spatters all over the floor, toilet, toilet paper and his legs. ”Incompetent fools!” George raged. ”Is something wrong, Master?” George turned to see Ty standing in the hallway with two bucket’s of Popeye’s and a sackful of Dinty Moore cans. “Is something wrong? IS SOMETHING WRONG? Look!” George screamed at Ty while pointing to the piss drenched toilet. Ty’s face paled as he saw that the lid was down. He could swore he left it up. Paris must have left it down. What was her reason? Ty grew worried. George continued to rail at him, “I’m much too busy and important to have to do something as trivial as lift a toilet seat! That is why I have you! You have failed me once again.” ”I... I’m sorry.” Ty stammered. “I didn’t think to check it again before I left to get you chicken and stew.”

- 91 -

”I’ll give you one last chance. Now... clean this mess up and throw that out.” George said gesturing to the toilet and magazine. Ty took hold of the magazine and moved to throw it in the waste can. “Wait.” George said grabbing his arm. He reached under one of his breasts and produced a Sharpie. “Hold it open.” He ordered. Ty obeyed, holding open the issue of Better Homes & Gardens. Golden piss dripped from the magazine onto Ty’s new buckskin moccasin boots. Silently he cried to himself. Just another humiliation in a long list he has had and will suffer. George stretched his arm out, Sharpie in hand and signed the urine soaked magazine. “Put that up for sale on my website. Six hundred dollars. Not a penny less.” Ty frowned. “Master, you haven’t even edited this. Do you think they will buy it for $600?” George grimaced. It physically pained him to admit someone may be right, especially while they were there. “Offer a Brienne miniature at a five percent discount to whomever purchases it.” Ty knelt at George’s feet. The aroma of piss and cheese greeted him. Ty was reminded why he took this job. “Thy will be done, Master.”

- 92 -

(submitted by loripetty)

Ty wasn’t necessarily having the best day of his life; it just had the potential to be the best, which was, to him, just as good. He had already found two lucky pennies, and while not as many as his all time record of three, it made him confident. Maybe today would finally be the day when he would get a call back from that Nigerian prince about his $20,000 dollars. He adjusted the belt on his khaki shorts and lifted a bucket of miscellaneous filth to be dumped out over the fence into the neighbor’s backyard, as usual. He remained in a constant state of alertness as he descended the Library Tower steps. In that place, you had to develop acute senses to stay alive. The problem with the Library Tower stemmed from something George kept secret from everyone except Ty - he was running out of money. Ty, as George’s accountant - a temporary position, he had been assured - had noticed George’s accounts running dry, despite the annual $200 from the Wild Cards people, and the $50 from publishing anthologies. Because of these financial woes, the Library Tower was not actually finished. George had grand designs for the tower - including his very own Cinnabon stand inside but he kept changing his mind on what he wanted, and with each change, he lost more money that could have been used on more necessary things, such as insulation, actual load bearing walls, and a roof. The Tower had now taken on the qualities of a swamp, complete with water moccasins, carnivorous plantlife, and what legends called a Felhawk. Uneventfully, Ty reached the bottom of the sludge-filled fen known as the Library Tower. Before he could exit the Tower, however, he heard a cry for help from below the floorboards. He dropped the bucket and immediately searched for the source, finding a trap door. Inside the small basement was a bleach-blonde young woman wearing a velvet-slashed see-through evening gown (soiled velvet-slashed panties beneath) and a gold chain. She kept wailing, oblivious to Ty’s presence. From the cracked skin and bruises, Ty noticed that she had been abused, and for a very long time. ”Excuse me, hello! I’ll help you! What’s your name?” Ty asked, as he tried to find a key for the iron shackles. ”I...I don’t know.” ”What do you mean?” ”He...he took my name. My real name. And now he calls me...Shae.” ”Who?” ”He had me cry out...’my giant of Lannister!’” She wept, looking off into the distance beyond Ty. Ty got a closer look at her, his face frozen in a rictus of terror as realization flooded over him. How did I not find her sooner? Her gold chain was a pair of hands, crossed over.

- 93 -

and enjoyed the silence. Once. Twenty minutes later they pulled up to Pesci’s club. It was. the Sugar Baby was a dump. Ray’s shoes were tacky on the faded grey floors. He’d taken one to the chest over some bullshit that should have never gotten out of hand like it had. but a shit soldier. Ray took another puff. remodeled or not. I’ll call you if I need you. ”And don’t you ever call me by my first name again or I’ll put one in the back of your head at a stop light and make your buddy pay me for a new suit. one hour. Benny had been a quiet guy and a good worker. “OK. he bent down to look at his driver. Liotta had hired him two weeks ago and still the man insisted on trying to start conversations with him. Pesci had arranged to meet with him about some big news. Liotta leaned forward and put his hands on the driver’s shoulders. you’re gonna be talking from the side of the road with a hole in your eye socket. That was enough of that. Ray was on his way more out of courtesy than anything else. Ray stepped out of the Lincoln. Even worse.” Ray pulled out a cigarette. beat it you dumb mook. as usual. and. but daylight had a way of exposing things for what they really were. he thought. lying in a fucking ditch. “OK. the conversations were always about nothing even remotely interesting. and headed inside. deliberate pull off of his cigarette. What kind of a grown man watches The Bachelor? ”I miss Benny. ”What’s a matter? Cat got your fucking tongue?” Ray asked. not saying a word. . Not one hour and five minutes. you motherfucker you. You want to talk. We clear?” Liotta leaned back into his seat and caught the driver’s terrified eyes in the rear view mirror. all his older brother’s fault. After taking a deep. whack his own flesh and blood? ”Hey Ray.RAY (submitted by scorpiknox) This new driver was really starting to piss him off. and The Sugar Baby was no exception. looked around at the dirty Chicago streets for a few moments.94 - . To be clear. ”Listen. and he was close enough to smell cheap aftershave.” The man nodded emphatically. laughing. but what could he do. Talking. I hate this half-assed cloak and dagger bullshit. slamming the door behind him. I don’t give a fuck if you’re friends with my brother-inlaw. Your job is simple. At this point in the game. you just be back here in one hour. you know what I saw the other day on the news?” There he went again. the idiot had even asked Liotta if he liked watching The Bachelor. the spilled booze from last night’s revelry vaguely trying to hold him fast as he walked towards the bar. not fifty five minutes. Liotta had given him no reason to think that his overtures of familiarity were welcome.” He slapped the man on the back of the head and the Lincoln screeched away. A good worker. not over the phone. Joey had actually poured quite a bit of cash into the place. He’d called Liotta last night sounding very excited. rolled the window down. Drive me to were I need to get to and keep your fucking mouth shut. His voice was low and sincere. Night clubs were always depressing places when the sun was out. but he wouldn’t say what it what about.” Liotta muttered underneath his breath.

A few clicks of a mouse and the screen went blank. I’ll be in the back. How did his brother always find such good help? A sir and a scotch. ”How bad is he?” Ray asked. Liotta was reeling from the implications of what his brother had just told him. He’d used pinking shears. my heart’s gonna burst. “I got this tub of shit downstairs sitting on a rusty traffic cone with three broken fingers. sir. ”What do you mean? I already fucking told you. His thoughts soured as he remembered Joey’s peculiar dispositions and inclinations.” Joey spat out his words in continuous stream of anxious consciousness.” Pesci stood up from his desk. The fucking thorns in our side for the last five years!” Pesci was bubbling over like a bottle of toxic champagne. what’s so important it can’t wait? Is this another one of your botched hijack jobs? How much you need this time?” Ray had bailed his big brother out several times before. Ray knew all too well that the grin on his brother’s face meant that someone close by was very severely and completely screwed. Very fucking classy. snapping him back to the here and now. The first time had been on Ray’s 12th birthday.” ”Ah. buttoning his pants. along with a serious fucking attitude problem and you take your sweet goddamn time getting over here like I got all fucking day to wait for your sorry ass. Ray had seen that grin before.” He grinned as he said that last part. who gives a shit. you caught a GR-“ ”A GRRiMlin! And not just any GRRiMlin. You’ve really got to want to kill someone one to stab them in the liver with a set of pinking shears. it ain’t anything like that…” Ray was confused and Pesci’s tone became a near whisper. ”Finally! Where the fuck you been? You’re breaking my balls over here. “I gotta calm down. Pesci is waiting for you in his office. Let’s go downstairs and I’ll introduce you” .” He pulled out a bottle of pills from his desk and stuffed a small dry handful down his throat. Stuck in hot water caused by an even hotter head. A GRRMsguard in their custody would open up a whole host of possibilities. fuck. A world away. ”No baby brother. ”Got one of them? What are you talking about?” ”One of them. Can I fix you something?” ”Yeah. Two women on his computer screen were doing something to each other that Ray couldn’t quite make out.He made eye contact with the bored looking bartender who promptly perked up at the sight of him and cocked his head towards the rear of the club. ”Wait. They. a god damned bona-fucking-fide GRRMsguard!” Joey took a breath. “I fucking got one of them. very classy. Blood pressure. 3 cubes. Four broken fingers and ten broken toes. bring me a scotch. ten broken toes. ”Mr. sorry Joey.95 - . Pesci was sitting at his desk. ”I thought you said it was three fingers. if handled with the necessary care of course. Other than that I haven’t touched him. usually made worse by his volatile temper. He always seemed to be in trouble.” Ray replied as he headed in towards Joey’s office.” ”Jesus. right before Joey had stabbed their step-dad in the liver.

Good. he made it a triple.As they were leaving the office. the bartender brought Ray his scotch. .96 - .

Opening and closing the Velcro as fast as she could it only took a couple of minutes before a spark was produced and with it she lit the thread. wadded it up and placed that in the keyhole also.. then she took the novel and tore pages out of it. and the door creaked open. Along with the Windhaven novel.” But before she could finish her sentence Ty interrupted her. A wooden hanger. She had studiously watched every episode of MacGyver. Trying her best to get as far away from the shackles as she could possibly get. and a pen resting next to the candle. “Do ya have any dragon shirts? I like tha ones with da hoods. ”You must be Ty. all was not lost. now listen very closely I never wrote that book. He set the book and pen on the floor. a pack of D batteries. she grabbed the Velcro shoe. and on it was a red fire breathing dragon. and brought the candle up close to her face.what are you talking about? Didn’t you hear what I said Ty? George isn’t a good liberal! George is a. Finally the knob began to turn.. “AH WANNA NOTHA DRAGON SHIRT!” He blew out the candle and stomped out of the room locking the door behind him. She wasn’t going to be stuck here any longer! Thankfully. Ty! He’s a tax cheat! That’s why he had to steal my name and lock me up in here! You have to unlock my shackles and let me go. all the while he was stomping one foot.. a broken down Dewalts drill but with no bit. the door had been open long enough that she had been able to scope out the room.. and a bent Valyrian sword. She wasn’t as young as he had originally thought. Shae glanced down and when she saw the cover memories flooded her mind.George stole my name. She watched as the spark moved along the makeshift fuse towards her shackles. The door hadn’t been open long enough for her eyes to focus. “. Next time she thought she’d make sure to case out the room.. He stepped forward.. but for Lisa Tuttle this is all she needed. There stood a silhouette of a man holding a book. she didn’t have to wait much longer as she heard keys jiggling outside the door. “I gotta pee!” He got up and walked out the door locking it behind him..” ”Wha.but ah wanna dragon shirt!” Ty’s arms were synchronized as he was pumping them up and down. so she still didn’t know what kind of room she was in and what was in it. Shae sighed and thought Well at the very least now I know what would’ve happened to Forrest Gump if he’d been a pothead. Once it got . To most people this wasn’t much.. and why she came here in the first place. so I can warn everyone!” Ty cocked his head to the left. Do you understand Ty? I never wrote Windhaven! Ty. ”Will ya sign ma book?” Ty asked. Where does he possibly find these people? she thought.97 - . She remembered who she was. His shirt was illuminated. one Velcro tennis shoe. so he could cheat on his taxes! Do you understand what I’m saying? George isn’t a good liberal. and she knew every episode forward and backwards! She reached over and grabbed the thread and placed one strand in the keyhole. and his eyes glazed over. Brought the candle up to the side of his face and got really close to her. a spool of thread.. Again Lisa found herself in the cold darkness of the room. with a candle sitting on top of it. and pen that Ty had left on the floor there were also several other items laying around that would aid her in her escape. However.LISA (submitted by silentmajority) Shae watched as his dopey eyes grew in agony until Ty said. A small sliver of light appeared on the ground and started to grow as the door moved open.

98 - . If George was home surely he’d be here soon looking for a bowl of Rice the Prologue of Windhaven it burst into flames. If he wasn’t home how would she open the door? There was only one question left in her mind though: “What would MacGyver do?” . Never before has garbage burnt as bright and hot as it did at this time. Two. *SNAP*CRACKLE*POP* The shackles fell off and she was free! Now Lisa was faced with two potential problems. One.

The animal. rasping death gasps. and he was still running. not content to dis themselves by breaking their oath of loyalty to King George of House Martin. As his soldiers fell one after the other. Alfred took another step. had simply neighed and slowed a little. Alfred took another step. Alfred hadn’t gone more than twenty meters before his steed took a paintball pellet to the center of the chest. Sobbing. it should not take more than ten minutes for him to reach the camp where his and his fellow Martinis’ wives. daughters and girlfriends were also LARPing. How did it come to this?! Alfred the Dread Lord wondered in bewildered anguish. He rounded another bend. If we get wiped out.99 - . more often. but it was a lot less expensive than the armor. At last! From there. the Mummers. He turned his stallion around. simulating death with gurgling. had taken up arms against those who remained loyal to Crown and Council. True. put spurs to flanks. Hopefully-Soon-To-Be-King-of-the-Dance. if not nearly so quickly or vigorously as when he’d started. as the Martinis increasingly called them. And so. faking terrible wounds with loud moans and cries of pain or. The traitors who. by now it was outright torture. Alfred had felt the fear of his first shameful TPK (or Total Party Kill) as Battle Commander overcome him. then under the Extreme Rules we’ll have to remain silent for two weeks. There was only one group Alfred could think of who would resort to such base treachery: the Brave Companions. The Enemies. Alfred had reluctantly discarded his shield. King of the Game. no. But it was dead according to the Rules. the First of His Name. it counted. after the first seconds of incredulous surprise. And someone has to warn the Tower of the Hand of what happened here. Alfred shuddered at the thought of his wife and two daughters being captured by the Companions. Sobbing. and galloped away. whoever had planned the ambush had anticipated that someone might try to flee. well used to the noisy chaos of LARP battles and the occasional fake blow. the Clash. If fact. the Storm and the Feast. Alfred took another step. Alfred’s twenty men had no choice but to start falling to the ground. Unfortunately. Sobbing. Alfred took another step. . It won’t be a TPK if I manage to get back to our camp. The thirtypound fake armor he was wearing didn’t help any. practicing a courtly event meant to take place at the Tower of the Hand in two months. but under the strict Extreme LARPing Rules he and his companions were playing. so Alfred had had no choice but to dismount and start running on his own. knowing as he did so that it meant forfeiting it to the attackers. or the Bloody Mummers. Then the next they found themselves under heavy fire coming from concealed positions in the trees to either side of the path. That had been nearly half an hour ago. center and behind. One moment he and his band of stalwart fellow Martinis had been riding merrily along the path through the forest to meet a band of their fellow Martini LARPers for their usual monthly practice bout of medieval fighting and jousting. and finally saw the forest’s end. and began dying front. they were being hit by nonlethal paintball gunfire.ALFRED THE GRRMLIN (submitted by Krafus) Sobbing. Or so had been his thoughts as he fled and abandoned his men to their fates.

” Krafus shrugged unconcernedly. You fought… for me. He proved to be a man of average height and build. replied. “Why did it have to come… to this? What happened?.100 - . while you GRRiMlins shall be remembered as the blindly. You betrayed… all your oaths. formerly the Smiling Knight of the Kingdom of Westeros. the impact jarring and nearly stunning him. but his exhaustion made the word come out like a pathetic wheeze. The paintball pellet hit him low on the left side of his chest. Now weeping. that would require you to have an original thought of your own.” Krafus. ”Me. Alfred sobbed and took another step. hitting his left knee. Alfred let himself drop heavily on the path’s earthen floor. Besides. “We’ll be the heroes who courageously stood up and cast King George the Unworthy down from his throne. It’s the victors who will write history. We were all part… of one great host once. ”Still can’t muster anything better than Sir Neil of Gaiman’s outdated and flawed defense. by the Rules he was at the very least crippled. King George may not be our bitch. can you? Oh right. dumbly loyal vassals of a wretched and corrupt liege. “You!” he tried to hiss accusingly. In his right. another quickly followed. His attacker took a long moment to show himself. or that he takes so many vacations every year when the Dance is still unfinished and so late?” ”That is… his right! King George is not… your bitch!” Alfred replied with all the vehemence he could muster. “You don’t look too happy to see me. gloved hand. No! No! No! Even if it could be argued that his armor had saved him from death. having been raised to those positions by High Lord Ran as a reward for valiant service and dubbed by King George himself at conventions. There was no choice. You… traitors. and even started to breathe easier after he removed his paint-smeared helmet.” ”I was… right. these back-and-forth accusations mean nothing. but you and the rest of the GRRiMlins have become his. with his greed and his general lack of commitment to his duties. rapid-fire paintball rifle. if we’re feeling generous. As he involuntarily slowed and gaped down in horror at the yellow paint. he had to act as befit a Battle Commander and Lord of Westeros in good standing with the Council.Invigorated by the sight of the cleared ground beyond the forest. A smile Alfred had seen before.” Alfred shuddered almost violently at the thought..” Krafus’s cocky smile became wider. Alfred shook his head. and we’ll make sure that’s us. which at the moment wasn’t much. His only real distinguishing feature was his smug smile. his assailant came into view from behind him. No matter what. That is. How else to explain all the ‘proclamations of the Crown’ that are nothing more than ads for whatever crappy goods the merchants in cahoots with him are selling. “We Brave Companions are of the opinion that it’s King George who betrayed his vassals. In any case. it was the Bloody… Mummers who ambushed us… back there. with dark hair and eyes. he held a green. And you acted as befits a noble battle commander by running away? a voice asked mockingly in his head. Alfred got his sobbing under control. rode . Finally.. trying to silence it. wearing military fatigues and a helmet with greenish forest camouflage. His face was daubed with green paint to further enhance the effect.

his expression darkening and his voice growing angrier as he spoke. was a unique functional replica of a sword in the Kingdom of Westeros and his most prized possession. no.” Krafus shook his head sadly. He had also made it a point to buy at least 20 copies of all new Wild Cards Tomes. then three.” the High Lord had said. It is for us to obey him. smiling. would you? I wonder how much your oh-so famous sword will be worth at the merchants’ Bay of E?” Horror swept through Alfred. his rightful and even righteous reward for his unwavering. Take off your sword belt and armor. loyal service through times good and bad no. The thought of losing his sword was too much to bear. stop. Red Rain had become the symbol of all this. which according to Lord Werthead meant he represented approximately 95% of any individual Wild Cards book’s sales. Alfred threw the sacrosanct LARP rules to the winds. well. and now it looks like it’ll be five years or even more. Only. activities that to this day shamed him and that he’d buried in the deepest corner of his mind. then his smile returned. Red Rain had been a gift from High Lord Ran himself soon after Alfred the Dread Knight became Alfred the Dread Lord. we GRRuMblers distrust him implicitly. Alfred had also raised and equipped a large group of fellow Martinis with replica swords and armors. And Alfred had indeed performed much service. King George took five years to come up with the Feast. and for the first time in his life. and let’s face it. wondrous red when bared to light. and held his ground against all challengers.. We should all be grateful… for what he has already provided us. and he owes us nothing. which shone a bright. the Clash and the Storm. I ask you?!” ”He is… the King. Being very wealthy in real life. a year became two. He had ventured into other Writer Kings’ lands with King’s George’s banner held high. ripe for conquest…” ”What happened? I’ll tell you what happened.101 - . Meanwhile. Alfred had even performed other… embarrassing activities under King George’s direct my side in half a dozen LARP battles… We swept the Jordanites and then the Tairynites from the field… The whole world of fantasy literature lay open before us. council and country. writing up no fewer than twenty thousand proclamations of his own at Ran’s Westerosi Tower of the Hand. Its crimson blade. never failed to attract admiration at LARP gatherings. Ah. “That was bad enough. Fearful anger swept through him. they were just bad dreams about nipples stop. the material expression of his boundless devotion to King George and the Tower of the Hand. it wasn’t nearly as good as the Game. “And now we come back full circle. With .” He looked Alfred up and down. To Alfred the Dread Lord. and really everywhere Alfred took it. then four. or maybe I should say our sword belt and armor. stop. no don’t think of the bad ones. King George issues royal proclamations about seemingly everything going on in his life except for what his subjects really want to hear about. Red Rain. For a year and a half. His Valyrian steel sword. You GRRiMlins still trust King George implicitly. but at least we could console ourselves with the thought that the Dance would follow within a year.. except for a tantrum against his detractors! Is that how a king who gives a damn about his subjects behaves. He had become part of the Top 10 Most Devoted Vassals. as he bestowed the incredible gift upon the newly-raised lord. and takes four to six vacations a year to schmooze with his fellow Writer Kings. he issued no proclamation whatsover about the Dance. “At least this’ll be a profitable day for us Companions. “ Krafus answered. writes or edits unrelated Tomes. “For valiant service to king. I’m sure he’s… doing everything he can to finish the Dance. who fought under the banners of various Westerosi Houses in LARP events.

Tell them you… shot me without provocation. he surged to his feet. really.” he said. and land right into jail. had to focus on minimizing losses.” ”I’ll… I’ll call the police. ”No shit. with pulses of pain running down his arm and spreading though the rest of him even as blood spread down his arm.” Slowly. “Our whole pleasant chat has been recorded.” The Mummer’s grin was back. “You’ll get thrown out of every LARP group and professional association you might be a member of. copies of it might soon be delivered to the local police station and be posted on YouTube. You’ll survive. completely and inescapably. drawn a pistol from a holster at his side. He grinned. so now he. all in one smooth motion. though he still held his pistol at his side. It’s not like you had a sudden fatal case of bolt-through-bowels like Tywin Lannister. and me firing to defend myself.” The accursed Mummer had eased out of his firing stance. you son of a bitch. like the good businessman he was in real life. He grinned and held the gun sideways and up. The pain seemed to subside. after a moment. Alfred rocked back and forth a few times. and fired. “And . “Glock 18.” And it hurt like hell. But as you insist…” He looked to his left and made a signal. defeated voice he didn’t have to fake. Krafus. The man touched a button. not even the best lawyers your money can buy will be able to spin this event into anything but what it was: you attempting to murder me. drew his sword.” ”I have a bullet in… in my wrist. come now. Red Rain was a very real sword with a very real edge.” Krafus sighed. muscle and bone to hit and be stopped with a muffled clang by the steel of the upper part of Alfred’s gauntlet. I intended to keep it as a souvenir. and with a bit of luck maybe even regain full use of your hand someday. Frank. but who knows. ”AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!” The blinding pain made Alfred let go of his prized sword. I’m sure the inmates will love having your rich ass at hand when shower time comes around. Krafus noticed his look. so it should cut down the smug bastard – A gunshot rang through the forest. ”With this video. sending a bolt of pain up his right arm. Sherlock. or at least grow no worse. The battle was lost beyond hope.” ”Oh. Even as Alfred attacked. He was beaten.102 - . Krafus. and a tiny blue light winked off. His eyes closed tightly against the pain. then turned his attention to what Alfred realized with dawning horror was a handheld camera pointed in his direction. and he opened tearfilled eyes to look at Krafus.” he said in a small. He brought his wounded right hand back tightly against his chest and cradled it with his left one. and leapt at Krafus. Cut it off. Another man dressed much like Krafus seemed to materialize out of the surrounding forest not far away. A wave a painful nausea swept through him. “You brought this on yourself. it was my fault I got shot. with sound. raising his voice. had dropped his paintball rifle. “That’ll be enough. tearing through flesh. Alfred raised his head. his expression now hard and focused.a roar. “You… you shot me. aimed.” the Dread Lord said incredulously. “Yes. right arm raised high for a mighty slash. gave a small wave. and a very real bullet hit Alfred in his leather-covered right wrist.” Krafus went on implacably.” he said in a friendly tone. “You’re right. in full HD glory. raised it. as if for Alfred’s inspection. “That’s what the cops… will see. and he sat down hard on the path. I never leave home without it. Alfred. blade flashing crimson under the sunlight. Alfred’s shoulders slumped. which dropped unceremoniously to the ground.

and now infamous.. white-teethed smile that had made him famous.103 - . very expensive…” . All your base are belong to us! So. for a certainty. no matter what the circumstances that led to their loss. Or we can. So maybe I could… pay a ransom. make some other arrangement. so all that stuff you paid for is ours now. along with your lovely wife and… you pointed out. “Well. taking all this into account. the losers of any engagement must forfeit arms and armors to the victors. Earlier today we took out the other group of GRRiMlins you meant to fight. And according to your ridiculous Extreme LARP Rules. I’ll keep Red Rain.. I’m wealthy. Our silence for your little bit of treachery won’t come cheap.” The man once known as the Smiling Knight gave Alfred the full. ”Oh. our arrangement will be very. and by the way. let’s see. there’s another group of us Companions who by now should have captured your staging camp.

Odd. We’re flying into their home base. and found his expression unreadable.. woman. The night before. George will have the GRRMsguard. killing time until their flight to Chicago. Oh gods. not the wounded puppy look again. and he wouldn’t be able to put his pants on witout y’alls help. and it’ll all work out fine. oh man”. Ran will lead him. silly. I fear they set us up the bomb. But she wasn’t looking forward to cleaning his splattered shit off the back seat when they returned home. Ty rambled to himself incoherently. Parris asked..” Ty had a point. she mused grimly. Wert will have his cocaine. Has he found yet a new way to humiliate himself? “Ty. she slurred. You know he hates when you git to doin’ that sorta thing. she paused.104 - . Until he. “It’s because he’s jealous of you. She made a note to get a rental car with vinyl seats next time and to. Neil was only the beginning. but I reckon that you’re George’s number 1 con-fi-dant...” Ty looked crestfallen. It wasn’t anything Parris hadn’t seen before in her hippie days and. Y’all gonna see. Parris’ supper of pease and chili was only half cold and she was already deep into her cups. you got that look like you’re trying to think. no longer able to contain his rage.. lost control of his bowels all over his high backed velvet chair. ”. as well as Ran’s. much”. And no one’s like to be carrying more baggage than I.Can’t find a drink. That was nothing new.... He’d wheezed and sniffled all the way to the airport. “Where are my keys? I’ve lost my phone. She sighed and finished off her cigarette pack. Driving George to the airport had been . She missed her cannabis garden already. how did you let things come to this? she took another long drag on her cigarette.. ”We done been through all this before. We go to Chicago and git ‘er done. And this is anything but. because I can usually read that boy like a book. and it are not belong to us. A cluster of empty cocktail glassed flanked their table.” ”He never has. truth be told.. websites with pornographic images. she’d gotten a good laugh at George’s impotent tantrums when he saw the pornographic spam. he blurted. ”I’ve had a bit too much. They’d left George at the gate on his hoverround with all their luggage. Parris and Ty sat at an airport bar.” ”Ran’s not answering my calls.. repressing that memory with a shudder.” They sat glumly in silence for awhile..” .Gods.? She looked across the table at Ty. Parris hated flying on the best of days. You may not be much. taking another drag from her cigarette.. hon. an anonymous poster had spammed George’s.” he stammered “it’s just all these rumors about the Brave Companions.PARRIS (submitted by kehnonymous) The sunlight was beginning to fade over the western mesa overlooking the Santa Fe airport... Rumor had it that he didn’t stop there.. ”How does he fare on Dance?”. She patted his arm gently. Is Ty enough of a lickspittle clean off even that mess.” ”Well. Ty was three sheets to the wind himself as he watched the evening commuters passing by “Why do the people start to rush-rush?”.

It was a check for my publisher’s advance for that novel I co-wrote.. And the amount paid was equal to the publisher’s advance that I never got..That I have to pay for two seats because I can’t fit in one! I need you to straighten this out now . you know.. Never thought he’d reach his breaking point well before I did. well. Martin’s mailing address since well. but I finally was supposed to get some real money.. This was news. “I’d been thinking that I was going to get some free money from the internet for the last week and move out of my apartment into. it was the P.” Ty stammered. Parris frowned..”Really?” Ty beamed.” They heard the grating screech of feedback as the microphone was wrested away from the P. Ty downed another shot of whiskey. but it would’ve been a start.mood: annoyed!” As if on cue..but tolerated the harlot’s presence well enough as it was time that the corpulent oaf spent out of her sight. announcer.. “I was reviewing Mr. system’s loudspeaker. I’m at you guy’s place more often than my place.105 - . there was an order for Twinkie cakes and Fudgebutter flapjacks that I didn’t co-sign. Martin’s expenses for this week last night before we flew out and. Does he know about Shae/Lisa? She’d known about George’s incarcerated plaything for a long time .” Parris lied.subtlety was not one of his stronger points . I’d been waiting and waiting. the airport concourses’ overhead monitor displayed a sad-face emoticon in petulant neon orange. ”Wel... y’know? ”And then. ”Attention! Paging passengers Parris and Ty. ” they both muttered. since well.. what are my talents compared to his?” Parris whistled to herself. Ty took a deep breath... I!” He paused to wheeze indignantly “. a real place.” ”Parris! Ty!” George’s voice had that familiar wheedling tone. Parris and Ty looked at each other...A. unwilling to look Parris in the eye.” he mumbled. And well. ”Yes indeedy do.. She was deciding between an honest answer or a patronizing one when a sharp noise crackled from overhead. It wasn’t much.. I don’t know if I should be upset.A. “I need you both here immediately! The rightwing extremists at airline security are saying I. “Oh gods. . I had them send it to Mr. there’s more.

We tried to . the shadows could look rather imposing. You’re to be accompanied at all times by a Klingon guard. Speakman. “With the right lighting. I hadn’t thought about it that way before. Mr. ”Welcome to C2E2..” Of all the panelists... Here’s your booth where you’ll be able to sign the first chapter of The Dark Thorn. as I explained to them in my article.. pale men in fanny packs with C2E2 badges and oversized thermoses of Mountain Dew scoured the floor. Martin’” At Shawn’s bidding. with silver and scarlet flags and bunting and a fully stocked refrigerator full of venison sausages. Shawn alone had not read Feast.. Because my wisdom is my ignorance. However. Sue was tabulating some figures on her Palm Pilot. our supplier misread the order. however. so all we were able to find was this 18-inch replica here” Shawn’s face fell. He’d have to write that down for future use. “. ”Let’s see. furtively purloining discarded merchandise and signage while they debated which of them would be the first to strike up a conversation with any of the three.” ”A three hour tour?” she wondered.106 - .SHAWN (submitted by kehnonymous) Shawn posed next to a glossy 3” X 5” copy of his novel’s cover art for the convention volunteer as she took a picture with her camera phone. haha. A lot of the passengers were complaining about the delays during takeoff and disembarking making the flight run five-hours.. soon-to-be-published author and writer of ‘In Defense of George R. ”A three hour tour.” She gestured to a cramped booth.” Sue shrugged apologetically. bat’leh and phoenix feather wand slowly dueling in a precisely choreographed dance without dragons. At one end was an animatronic Klingon locked in a synchronized death ballet with a life-like Harry Potter robot. “You know. She shrugged. so it was actually a three-hour tour. haha. George R. lone. R. with respective font sizes equal to their weight in kilograms. Overweight. but. what else.” he confirmed. it’s rather.Also. not what I’d hoped for. Anyways. Martin’s name had been considerably larger than his own. Martin’s booth was a grandiose affair. Sue continued breathlessly. and well as four kegs full of buttered Cheez Wiz for Martin to drink. “Your friends Ran and Werthead aren’t returning my calls. How was your flight to Chicago?” ”Very well.. festooned with a sweeping azure-and-ermine banner that read “Sean Spakemann. so I’m not sure if the round table Feast for Crows Q & A session you’d planned for Friday night is happening or not.” Sue continued. you can’t count the 2 hours the flight lost to the time zone change and to the stopover in Montreal. As they completed their circuit of the hall. I know you requested an 18-foot replica of Stonehenge to be used as a backdrop. “Ha. R. the biggest issue we’re going to have here is security.. it’s very nice to meet you! I’m Sue DeVeux and I’ll be taking care of you during your stay here. haha. Your security is top priority here. bored-looking semi-attractive women working at the con.” They walked through the convention hall as workers scurried about with the final stages of preparation. ”I’ve been going through a list of your requested arrangements. Which is why they need me the most. who am I to argue with a published author?” ”Only if you’re counting websites.

get Martin’s handlers to help us out on this one, but they said something about how it’d take them five days instead of three days to mobilize their people.” Her face had an odd look. “Have you heard of the Brave Companions?” ”Yes, haha, but that was just a rumor.” Sue frowned. “You’d better see this.” She led him to the backstage area. There was some of the finest cocaine that had been flown in specifically for Werthead’s consumption. I knew he’d picked the wrong week to stop mainlining heroin, haha, mused Shawn. Next to the boxes of drugs was a discarded pile of thick, saw cut, concrete. ”This is the strongest stuff in town. We’ve been working with some specialists to formline this concrete into a chair that’ll actually support Mr. Martin’s weight. We had to special order it from a guy named Pesci.” Shawn froze. “Pesci?” Sue nodded. “Runs a family business down on the South Side. Foul-mouthed prick to do business with, if you ask me, but I liked how he took charge of things.” She blushed faintly. Shawn examined the discarded concrete. One of the concrete blocks had two undersized, secondhand sneakers embedded partway through. Sewn onto the sneakers was a family crest that Shawn knew well. “Oh, god.” he whispered. A shadow fell over him. “If only He worked on Sundays.” A lean, sharklike man with a sharp face and steely dark eyes stood next to him. Shawn felt his bowels turn to water. He dropped his The Dark Thorn manuscripts and ran back towards the safety of the convention hall. “KLINGONS! Help! Help!!!!” Sue rolled her eyes and turned to greet her brother Jimmy. “Hey,” she jabbed him in the arm at seeing his smirking expression “They’re paying me to do this and I don’t gotta spring for my convention badge. Got a problem with that?” Jimmy shrugged and started reading one of the discarded manuscripts aloud: “’The rat glared with beady black eyes at the broken man’s approach before scurrying away into the darkness, a lone vestige of life among the dusty bones of death...’ Talk to me, sis. You telling me that schmoes get paid to write this?’”

- 107 -

(submitted by scorpiknox)

If the upstairs of Joey’s club was a depressing place, the basement of The Sugar Baby was where dreams went to die. Joey led the way down and Ray followed closely, not really knowing what to expect. It smelled of stagnant water on concrete and, as they reached the bottom of the stairs, the faint secondary aroma of sewage that so often inhabited the deep bowels of Chicago’s older buildings announced itself. Pipes so old as to be ancient lined the walls of the basement and covered half of the ceiling. Ray had no doubt that, should he be so inclined, a well swung hammer would easily rupture most if not all of the rusty metal tubes. Probably a flip of the coin as to whether I got water or shit all over me, he thought. “There, behind those,” Joey said and pointed to a wall of boxes. They were stacked about three feet taller than seemed necessary or even safe, nearly touching some of the pipes. Most of the boxes innocently proclaimed their contents to be maraschino cherries and queen sized olives, but Ray knew better than that. Joey walked to the right of the tower of contraband and slid into a small opening along the pipes and bricks. Ray followed suit, his eyes struggling to adjust to the dim light as he emerged into the other side. The already underpowered lamps used in the main area of the cellar barely shone though from the top of the cardboard façade and, as a result, he was having trouble making out the person-sized shadowy mass in front of him. Ray flipped a switch and they were awash in the harsh light of a naked bulb hanging about eye height. “Christ Joey, you nabbed a broad?” The delicate figure slumped over in the chair was barefoot, though to be fair the toes were so swollen and mangled that shoes would have been out of the question. Leg-cuffs had worn their way through the skin of the GRRiMlin’s ankles and long feminine brown hair dangled over scraped and scabbed knees. Ray noticed that the chair itself was bolted to the concrete and that the prisoner’s hands had been manacled to its rear legs. “He ain’t no broad, he’s just got woman hair,” Joey usually didn’t hurt women, and Ray had been a bit taken aback at first glance of the man in the chair. “Wake up you dumb fuck, time to start talking.” The unfortunate soul in the chair looked up at Pesci, watery brown eyes gazing through the tangled mess. “What…what do you want to know?” he whimpered, his hoarse voice betraying the fact that he’d been crying. “You asshole Joey,” Ray said, smiling as he recognized their prisoner, “You already broke the turd. What, you can’t fucking save some for your poor old baby brother?” He was only half kidding. He might not have a fraction of Joey’s mean streak, but Ray would have loved to have gotten some fresh licks in on this particular piece of shit. Pesci ignored him, instead addressing the man in the chair, “Christ. Didn’t last too long now did you, you fucking little rat?” He sounded annoyed that his job had been done with so little effort, “I leave you to stew in your own piss for one night and you break on me like sweat on a Chinaman’s balls. What happened to all that ‘I’ll never talk?’ shit you were blabbin’ on about yesterday?” Ray smacked the man in the mouth, hard. After allowing the man a brief recovery period highlighted by some professional grade whimpering, Joey asked again, “Well, what’s the fuckin’ deal there shit-stick?” “P-please, just don’t hurt me anymore! I will…I’ll tell you anything, anything you want to know, just, please God, don’t kill me.” The man was really sobbing now, and drool mixed with blood ran down his chin and onto his shirt.

- 108 -

“Jeez, maybe he really is a broad, he sure cries like one. And to think I thought this was gonna take all night,” Joey sounded a bit disgusted. Turning to Ray he asked, “Well, you heard the lady, what we wanna know?” It was time for Liotta to ask a few questions and the two men exchanged places, Joey yielding the floor to his younger brother. “OK, first let’s start with what you were doing snooping around this place? What are you doing in Chicago?” “I was sent to report your movements and habits, by…by my bosses,” The man was only able to get this out between sobs. “What do you mean ‘bosses’? George is your boss, who else is there?” Ray thought he already knew, but he wanted to here it from his mouth, to hear the embarrassment in his voice. “Linda, OK? My wife…” Ray grinned at the shame he heard in the prisoner’s voice in making such a clear admission of subservience. “So, George and his muscle are what, coming out here to stage some sort of a bullshit war against us?” Pesci and Liotta had planned to confront Mr. Martin at the C2E2, but they weren’t aware that they’d been expected. “Yes, sort of…But I swear, it was just going to be an ambush if you guys tried anything at the convention. We would never attack you without provocation! We’re the good guys!” “My ass,” was all Pesci said. Ray scoffed, “You fucking sycophants are all the same. You don’t get that the man you work for is an evil, uncaring, tyrannical snake-oil salesman. I would feel sorry for you if you all weren’t so fucking goddamn loathsome.” At this, the prisoner’s eyes flashed the faintest glimmer of defiance. Ray ignored it and continued, “But you are, so I don’t. Tell me then, how many was he bringing along with him? What was the plan?” “The plan was to embarrass you in front of the whole convention by defeating you in a duel of words.” “And when that failed?” The man in the chair hesitated. “And when that failed?! ” Ray repeated. “I-If that failed, he was to have his GRRMsguard defend him to the pretend death. The two of you alone couldn’t possibly hope to defeat all seven of them, not with Ty as their leader. He’s the finest I’ve ever seen with Duct and Foam.” Joey piped in at that, “What, you aren’t in the GRRMsguard? You weren’t invited?” The prisoner’s tone was defensive, “I will have you know that I have other talents that demand I serve the master in, well, in other capacities!” “What like banning people from Westeros?” Ray asked. The man was silent at that, “Or maybe combing that pretty head of hair for your master’s pleasure?” Ray couldn’t be sure, but he thought he saw a blush rise to the man’s cheeks. “All right, that’s enough of this shit, Ray I’m sick of looking at this fuck.” Joey was always so impatient.

- 109 -

“Just one more thing Joey and then we can go back up.” Ray turned away from his brother and got close to the prisoner, staring hard into his watery brown eyes. “You need to tell me that George RR Martin is, in fact, my bitch.” Ray had to hand it to their prisoner. The man who’d but a moment before seemed as broken as all ten of his toes sat up straight, returning a defiant gaze back at Liotta, his mouth tight, his brow resolute. “Never,” he said with finality. “Say it, or you’ll never type again.” Ray was still calm, and a half smile had crept onto his face. “Never! I will never say that, not as long as I draw breath!” The prisoner’s eyes had become crazed with what can only be described as religious fervor. “Oh yes you will. In a strong and clear voice, you will say: ‘Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci, George RR Martin is most definitely your bitch.’ You will say it, and say it now, or I will cut off your hair. ” At that, all pretense of bravado was dropped, the man in the chair becoming terrified once more. Ray pulled out a pair of shiny chrome scissors from his pocket and held them an inch from the prisoner’s face. Behind him, Pesci broke out laughing. That afternoon, deep in the basement of the Sugar Baby nightclub, Elio Garcia Jr.’s hands trembled as he said in a clear, resonant voice: “Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci, George RR Martin is most definitely your bitch.”

- 110 -

(submitted by krafus)

The silver 5 Series BMW drove sedately into Chicago, its driver taking care not to go over the speed limit. Getting pulled over with a stolen car and fake plate would be a problem, Krafus had explained to Frank, Dave and Amy when the other three GRRuMblers had urged him to put pedal to the metal and push the luxury car to its limits. Not because a lowly cop stood a chance against them, but because leaving a cop’s tasered, drugged body on a highway was sure to attract more attention than Krafus wanted to deal with right now. But the car did make for a good disposable transport to Chicago. Alfred had mustered enough energy to feebly protest when Krafus had added it to their arrangement the moment he’d spotted it in the parking lot, but a sharp reminder of the consequences he faced had quickly silenced the GRRiMlin. Sitting in the front passenger seat, Amy looked outside at the illuminated streets and buildings of the Chicago night. A former Martin supporter like the rest of them, she was a striking brunette with a cheerful, innocent look to her. No one would expect her to be one of the most bloodthirsty of all the GRRuMblers, exceeded in sheer ferocity only by Slynt and his supernova-hot, world-consuming rage. But then she had good reason, having been stiffed repeatedly by George and his business partners, or more appropriately his partners-in-crime. The four RPG books she’d ordered? Arrived with water damage. The dozen miniatures? Arrived in pieces. The half-dozen calendars? Never arrived, period. After that latest incident, Amy decided she wanted revenge. Her very effective scheme started by luring an individual GRRiMlin at a convention back to her hotel room, an easy feat given her beauty and many of them being hygiene- and socially-challenged nerds. Once in her room, the siren turned into a black widow, using a subtle, near-traceless powder in a drink to send the GRRiMlin into a day-long stupor with matching amnesia. Then she’d undress her victim, dress him up in submissive bondage gear, cleaned up her room to make sure no evidence of her presence remained, and left them to be thoroughly humiliated when the cleaning staff showed up the next morning. On the chest of each victim was a note saying “George R.R. Martin Is Not My Bitch, But You Are.” Thanks to her proficiency at disguises, she’d never been even suspected. Amy had already racked up six “killings” (as she liked to call them) before, while leaving the scene of her latest “kill,” bumping into Slynt as the man was forcefully interrogating a GRRiMlin in a dark alley. “The Windy City,” she mused aloud. “Not bad.” ”Third-biggest city in the US,” Krafus informed her and the others. “Always big on crime, particularly organized crime. Al Capone lived here. There were 974 murders in ‘74, and 943 in ‘92, though since 2003 they haven’t passed the 600 mark.” ”Heh. We may not be planning a carnage like that, but I daresay we’ll leave our mark in our own way. Especially among the city’s GRRiMlins,” Frank joked from the backseat. After he, Krafus and the rest of the GRRuMblers had received Alfred’s money, the lean man had insisted on coming along to Chicago. His grievance with George was seeing his very first post summarily deleted and himself banned when making a polite inquiry on ADwD’s progress on George’s blog, to the rude jeers of a number of GRRiMlins. Frank’s huge enthusiasm after just finishing reading Feast for the first time had turned to even larger hatred. The others chuckled darkly. To Krafus’ ears, the sound of the BMW’s powerful engine was an eager rumble of agreement. The silvery car stalked through Chicago’s brightly lit streets like a fearsome predator on the hunt, unerringly guided toward its prey by the sophisticated onboard GPS.

- 111 -

hidden behind a couple of worn wooden boxes and a rusting trash container. ”Oh. strolling fat.” ”I want to deal with them. Amy crossed the alley’s mouth from right to left. yes. Martin fans! I’m one. and Dave and Frank echoed her eagerly.” a surprised male voice answered. ”Do you have a plan?” Amy. He’d made the mistake of bringing a half-dozen books for George to sign at a long-ago signing.99. Ser Neil of Gaiman was so right when he came up with his catchphrase. Krafus and Dave were waiting a few meters behind a darkened alley’s mouth. Those books were now in Dave’s backpack in the trunk. The risk of a police investigation would be as great as if they’d had to taser a cop on the highway. “George R. Look at what’s written on them. Suddenly. ”What is it?” Dave asked in his rumbling voice from right behind Krafus. Yes. . too! Are you two here for C2E2. ”Oh. Martin Is Not Your Bitch. Now.112 - .” Amy growled. Krafus doubted they could have spotted them. and even if they had. something in his left peripheral vision attracted his attention.The day of reckoning for George and his ass-lickers had come. dumb and happy. The relatively few people who passed on the sidewalk never looked at the two hiding men. where did you get those shirts? Oh. she spoke up in a very convincing. silently vowing to make George sign every one of his ASOIAF books with his own blood someday.” Amy gushed. For written on the two men’s shirts in an offensive fluorescent orange color that glittered in Chicago’s night lights was Ser Neil of Gaiman’s infamous catchphrase. the third $2. Dave had just turned around and left. his sound of approval quickly followed by Dave’s. ”Yes!” Frank said loudly.R. Just after she’d disappeared behind the left wall. you’re George R. After about a minute of waiting.” Krafus snarled. The last member of their quartet was a big. Krafus was torn. the second one would cost him $1. asked. and the tactician in him knew it was always bad to deviate from a plan that currently required stealth for what were essentially minor targets of opportunity… but the very sight of the GRRiMlins. we’re doing it. the most forward-thinking of the three. enthusiastic tone. The others did so… and their own exclamations of anger followed his. ”Fuck operational security. only to be haughtily informed by the greedy author that only the first signature was free. ”The two fat guys walking side-by-side wearing white shirts. strong man. Then an idea came to him.” Krafus answered. ”That’s great! Say. Few people noticed how little far their night vision extended when it crossed from bright light into darkness. Here’s what we’re going to do…” Some ten minutes later. and so on. we are. He slowed the BMW a little as he looked at the sidewalk and the people walking on it… There! He drew in a loud. made anger well up in him. about fifteen minutes away from C2E2 by Krafus’ estimation.99 plus taxes. reflexive hiss as he bared his teeth and slowed the car even more.R. like me?” ”Ah… Yes.

we wouldn’t mind. though not physically unfit. before sinking into deep unconsciousness. no. He seemed to have no trouble with his burden’s weight. wonder of wonders. had that they were not alone in the alley was when his and Dave’s right feet hit them squarely in their bulging bellies.” the first man answered quickly. but… this talk of the Companions. not at all. much less call for help. The two fat men lost their breaths and folded as they collapsed to the dirty ground. The first clue the GRRiMlins. the Brave Companions. “Would you two fine and true men mind escorting me back to the convention’s hotel?” ”Yes! I mean.” the first voice said proudly. Krafus just rolled his eyes. ”No problem. ”It would be more appropriate to call them the Bloody Mummers.” the second man said ringingly.” Amy said.” he said. for they show no more or courage than that band of brigands.” another male voice put in eagerly. and we never fail to challenge any and all detractors who dare question George on his blog. are these assholes deliberately trying to match King George’s girth? ”Here. I’ll help you. he thought.” the second man replied in what he no doubt thought was poetic grace. We’ve been doing it for years. ”Thanks. the bigger man choosing the fatter GRRiMlin. my lady. her handbag once more hanging from her right shoulder. ”Yes. As Krafus had planned. staggered a little under his. Dave and Krafus each picked up a GRRiMlin over his shoulder. was talking to them. He turned his head.” Amy said from behind Krafus. As Amy and her escorts passed in front of the alley’s mouth. Mummers has scared me a little.” Krafus could envision Amy giving a delicate last sentence.” . their eyes fixed on the handbag. she’d lifted his GRRiMlin’s torso.113 - . we’re in good standing in Westeros and with the Tower of the Hand. I keep seeing things on the dissenters. From his hiding place. ”Oh. Krafus and Dave slapped chloroform-soaked rags over their noses. ”I hope you are right. for under the firm guidance of King George and his stalwart Hand Lord Ran. but Krafus. Shit. Krafus and Dave silently stepped out from behind their hiding places. thank you so much!” Amy said gratefully. ah. that’s so brave of you Internet about this group of they’re said to be up to are shudder even as she said that two! Especially nowadays. no doubt wanting to impress this beautiful woman who. ”Thank you. ”It would be a great honor for us to see as fair a lady as yourself to safety. they shall inevitably end up like their fictive counterparts – hunted down and slain to the last like the rabid dogs they are. sent by Lord Ran himself.”They came straight from the Tower of the Hand. and saw that. both GRRiMlins darted into the alley. And fear not. That particular loser must be a hardcore LARPer. each eager to be the one to retrieve and chivalrously return it to its owner. Amy made a fine performance of stumbling over her own feet and inadvertently throwing her handbag several meters into the alley so as to free her right arm to help catch her fall. Neither GRRiMlin had a chance to recover. Quickly. and suddenly his burden seemed to grow noticeably lighter. her voice holding a distinct tremor of fear. Krafus smiled darkly. Some of the things horrifying.

we find out the names of our victims. grinning. officers. but no more. fluorescent color. and to the policemen’s growing horror. “This is the endgame. they saw that the two men shirts’ were in fact identical. the first police cruiser arrived with lights flashing and siren blaring. but they too recoiled at the sight that greeted them. pointing the way for them. and then we celebrate. His Glock was visibly in hand to warn off any onlookers. while Ray. amen. Dave dumped his GRRiMlin on the ground near the opened trunk. with the same words printed on them in an orange. then abandon the car unlocked someplace where it’ll be stolen in five minutes and most likely end up in the nearest chop shop. then set to work.” There was a bit of grumbling from Frank and Dave. When dawn arrived. grunting as he lifted one of the GRRiMlins a little. just focused on her work with bright. hopefully including King George. Except for a white shirt each. his face still pale. he put his gun away and popped the trunk. we’ll make our way to our contact and his cache. someone had deftly cut the shirts and removed some of the writing. some thirty meters away from the ambush site. Amy drawing out her military knife. They were unconscious. Behind a rusting container two grossly fat men for whom hygiene was obviously not a first or even fourth priority lay in each other’s embrace. it would take too much time and complicate our schedule too much. The walker was waiting for them. there was no sign of their clothes anywhere nearby.” The two policemen had over twenty years’ experience between them.” Krafus countered.114 - . Amy said nothing. they were disgustingly naked. Martin Is [probably a word missing] [definitely a letter missing]our Bitch. remember? We make sure each and every GRRiMlin we can find in and around C2E2 doesn’t attend for one reason or another. and pick up our full arsenal. Liotta and their merry men deal with King George and his closest lackeys. Strangely. Minutes later.R.” ”If they weren’t lying to impress Amy about being in good standing with the Tower. ”I’ve already told you. When the cops reluctantly shifted the man on top away from the other and turned him over. The four GRRuMblers then looked at each other. “We’ll get rid of them as soon as we’re done with them. “Behind the container. but very much alive. “It’s… It’s not pretty. ”We don’t need their info.” Krafus answered patiently. an early walker was attracted several meters beyond a certain alley’s mouth by his dog’s insistent barking. ”Can’t we have a bit of fun before we leave ‘em?” Frank pleaded as they worked.” he told the two policemen who quickly stepped out of their vehicle. What he saw there made him stumble back in horror and reach for his cell phone to call the cops. Frank was waiting with the BMW in a courtyard in the middle of dilapidated apartment buildings.” . they could have some useful info on the GRRiMlin leadership and important attendees. When he saw them arrive. Once we’re all safe and sound. Then we split and hightail out of Chicago. almost feverish eyes and a wide smile as her knife cut and cut. leaving behind “George R.” Dave put in.Fortunately. they didn’t have to go far. and a moment latter Krafus and Amy did the same. After that.

In the center of the room. Martin’s assistant. like a violent volcano erupting with Velveeta cheese. ”When you get back. and a young man dressed as though he bought out the stock of a Ron Jon Surf Shop. “I didn’t do it.” --The Kindly Manager frowned at Cat when she returned to the office. It was horrible what was inside that room. despite the fact that engineers had bolstered the cable system to accommodate Mr. and this is his. which he insisted on carrying himself . Mr. After a few minutes of waiting patiently at the reception desk. Martin’s stay. After the elevator ride (which was rocky.” he said with a flourish. Martin idly sucked down Twizzlers. I need to hear three new things you’ve learned today. Cat’s eyes started to droop with fatigue as she listened to the laundry list of needs during Mr. ”She is now. Same thing.” he said.. Mr.No. “Yes.“FINISH YOUR BITCH BOOK.” ”Hmm.” George looked up at Cat like a wounded animal. “I’m Mr. Cat heard the buzz of a Rascal scooter coming around the corner carrying a sea captain of enormous girth. One of them flashed a lusty smirk-and-nod. The assistant took off his Oakleys and smiled at Cat. “I know they paid you a considerable sum to do that.this is Parris.” the Manager said. and the other reviewed some papers while slamming down a mixed drink of some sort. almost as a whisper.” Cat said defiantly. The room was wallpapered with copies of the cover of A Dance With Dragons. ”I know you were complicit. Mr. Martin. Martin. I thought she was dead.115 - . In tow.). with a sign resting in his lap . and Ty instinctively covered his master’s eyes.CAT OF THE CONCIERGE (submitted by loripetty) ”. sir.” the Kindly Hotel Manager droned on. Cat got out the key while Mr.” Cat fought back nausea. We have our presidential suite prepared for you. Cat always thought it was creepy when he did that. Cat smiled warmly. Cat thought.. “It’s an which point. He turned away and seemingly faded into the wallpaper.. with bits of fried catfish thrown to him while he wades through it. GEORGE. She exchanged a worried glance with the two Italians at the hotel bar. It was Kristin Kreuk. he will want his bathtub filled with chili con queso.and headed towards the elevator. Martin roared out in agony. Your room has all of the accommodations your assistant requested. like a snake slurping the tail of a mouse. Martin). Intravenous. The sea captain huffed and puffed as though he had ran from the airport to the hotel. Ty.except Ty’s small suitcase. he had a dumpy woman who looked like she just left a renaissance fair (but smelled like she left a hippy commune .” Cat fidgeted. a bandaged Ser Neil of Gaiman sat tied up to a chair. like a chameleon.” Cat arranged for a bellboy to load up the party’s considerable luggage .” the Kindly Manager calmly stated. “Mountain… gasp… Dew. . like some kind of flesh-colored walrus. they arrived at the Penthouse.

“I have a video for you to watch tonight.116 - . I heard he filmed it himself.The Kindly Manager got up suddenly and strode to his bookshelf. Mr. she was blind. When she awoke the next morning. .” the Manager mused. Martin provided it.

most of the geeks at this convention would think they were here for some steampunk cosplay shit. Above the desk was a flowing crimson and silver banner that read “Welcome to Chicago Comic & Entertainment Expo!” At the desk was a pretty young hotel clerk who greeted them with a professional smile. his voice quavered in a halting British accent.. “Evening.. . it’s up one floor and to the right... The unkempt man grinned smugly. Garcia. but there were some things that were a matter of principle. “Neil Gaiman and. as he and Vinny reached into their coats and drew out tasers. Gaiman! Very good.. “But . Ran? But.” he snarled.Liotta?”. R. “But do you have passes?” Pesci fumbled around in his suit coat.. At least now this was going to be really easy.” Werthead removed his glasses and squinted at their entry badges.” He looked at them in horrified recognition. the kid was only nineteen. on the verge of breaking. but Pesci remembered well his father’s admonition to always dress the part. and Mr. Billy Batts had been Irish. was only true if you defined sending your regards by having your brother do all the dirty work while you putzed around uptown getting fat on cannoli at Vincenzo’s Trattoria. reaching out to shake her hand and casually kissing it. ever since an Englishman had swindled his favorite aunt out of half the family holdings. but it was only one fucking country away. his dark expression told Vinny....117 - . Hated them with a raging passion..” Which. True. The get-up was a bit over the top. with Vinny in tow.Pesci and Li. What could you do.” he interjected. “Could ya tell us where they’re having the opening reception for George R. As he headed up the escalator. seeing his cousin accompany his greeting with the double pistol finger gesture. A slightly unkempt man with skinny arms and a slight paunch greeted them at the reception booth. Plus.Ray Liotta sends his regards. Watch and learn. he noticed the pretty clerk had written her number on the map. signorina. tailored black shirts and violin cases. “you weren’t supposed to. Martin’s fans?” ”I’m sorry. a little too conspicuously gangster. Enjoy your stay at C2E2!” She handed Pesci the stolen entry badges. And you two must be. “Call me Werthead.. ”How you doin’?” Vinny greeted the clerk. as well as a map of the hotel and convention center. you can’t be... hoping that she wouldn’t notice the bloody smudges he and Liotta had tried to wash off.. produced two laminated badges and handed them with a smile to the clerk.. ”Just Pesci. motherfucker. ”Mr. He and Liotta had exacted bloody revenge and left the limey and his gang as bullet-riddled flotsam clogging up the Chicago River. nattily attired with matching pinstriped suits.PESCI (submitted by kehnonymous) Pesci and his cousin Vinny sauntered through the hotel lobby.. Pesci hated limeys. They stopped at the reception desk. “Are you here for the reception for the GRRMsguard and the Brotherhood without Banners?” ”Who wants to know?” answered Pesci.” the clerk asked politely. Pesci winced. Pesci mused as he zapped Werthead point-blank in the chest.

. Pesci tasered him twice in the gut. twitching on the ground as spittle flecked from his contorted mouth. cusino. gurgling foam.. Pesci snarled.. He cursed and threw the Taser to the floor as the Werthead advanced on him. You gotta show ‘em a little bit of romance. and he collapsed to the ground. “One..” Pesci continued “Why don’t you got all night? Got a date?” ”No. Pesci shot one of them. dames don’t go for all that macho shit. In. Look here. mumbled Vinny. you’d be proud of this one. This event is restricted to.The fuck?” all three of them said at once.” another Werthead continued. showed up. the way you talk to dames. “we will not tolerate any further slander of. The new Werthead shook his finger indignantly. By now. he noticed Vinny’s taser had also gone dead. As if on cue. You wanna make time with a broad. you treat her how you’d want your momma treated. Not. multiple Wertheads swarmed all over the room.. only to hear a hollow click-click. and then another.” Vinny drew a bead and took out two Wertheads at once. Out of the corner of his eye. “You two are in big trouble. ”Jesus fucking Christ.” Pesci’s sharp tone brooked no argument.” k-zaap! Pesci and Vinny tasered him in the crotch. The twitching stopped.. punctuating each word with a knockout punch between the eyes of an advancing Werthead. Nuncle Mario. . Vain. You fucking understand me. Do. Capisce?” ”Sorry. A second copy of Werthead walked out. ”Two things. ”Furthermore. And respect.” Another zap from Pesci’s gun and this Werthead was on the floor writing in agony next to his copies. The Werthead squealed and doubled over. His. two more Wertheads appeared. breaking it over the Werthead’s balls.Pesci and Vinny were watching their twitching victim burble incoherently on the floor when another man.restricted to loyal supporters of Ser George Martin. a look of shocked terror on his face. He took aim at another and squeezed the trigger. grabbed a shoeshine box and swung it down savagely. Vinny stammered an apology and made the sign of the cross.. We will. Pesci allowed himself a proud grin as Vinny casually reached down into his violin case and pulled out a baseball bat with a rusted nail pounded into the business end. Pesci affectionately cuffed him on the head “No shit you ain’t got a date.. this is gonna take all night!” cursed Vinny.” he growled. ”.118 - . ”Two.. but his wrathful glare was reserved for Vinny. Pesci tasered another Werthead and sent him sprawling backwards in a pool of his own urine. cousin Joey..”. “. Name.. an exact clone of Werthead.” BLAM! Another Werthead walked in. Take.. don’t ever fucking let me or Uncle Mario hear you use that kind of language. kid? You.

and cracked it over the Werthead’s face.119 - .Pesci grabbed a beer bottle. only to see yet another Werthead emerge. Jesus fucking Christ. Another one immediately appeared to take its place. Is fucking Liotta ever going to get here with that fucking cannoli? . Pesci was in for a long night and he was starting to get hungry. Pesci caught this one on the throat with a vicious backhand slash. these assholes are everywhere.

I’m doing peachy. so he raised his voice. I guess it could have been worse. whatever. by the way. No one but his brother was aware that Ray was staying at the Four Seasons. Real fucking weird. they got some real weird shit going on over there. Ray briefly wondered were Joey had ended up hiding the bug.LIOTTA (submitted by scorpiknox) Ray knew something was wrong. I’m telling you hermano. The short wave receiver was up and running. Plenty of time. “Now get your asses off the street. it got done. Ray put the receiver down and stood up at the edge of the bed. The suite he’d gotten was a little too sterile for his aesthetic. and that was worth more than all the postmodern furniture in all the world. Joey wasn’t the type of guy to raise a fuss and kill a working man just to get out of a petty B&E charge. but it was roomy and classy enough. how’d it go? You get that thing done we needed done?” Ray always avoided specifics when discussing business over the phone. so he knew who was calling before he picked up the receiver. They might have been nabbed by hotel security and been forced to go along with them to avoid making a scene. His big speech isn’t until Sunday. “Yeah. His brother always stuck to the plan.120 - .” Pesci sounded tired. little brother. but if that was indeed the case he’d have to wait a while for his phone call. Poor Vinny is a bit worse for wear. smoothing the back of his cashmere pants. in Bronzeville. you two goombas don’t blend in so good in that neighborhood. but we still made out OK. Just the woman talking to the help about his accommodations. connected to a compression unit and a digital recorder. I don’t doubt it. Cook County central booking on a Friday night was always a busy place. As if on cue. As he sat down and donned the headphones.” ”You got anything we can use?” ”Not yet. . Walking over to the next room. thanks for asking.” ”Yeah. early.” Where are you now?” ”A pay phone. Everything is coming in clear as a bell. Close if you need us. ”You certainly took your time. But he’s down at the con right now. Oh. the phone rang. Ray knew the head concierge was a man who knew how to keep things quiet. We just have to be patient. ”So. but we had to put some distance between us and downtown. and the plan was to check in after he’d planted the bug in Martin’s room. Still. Probably in someone’s ass. “How’s the signal?” ”Good. More importantly. and anyway I don’t think the client can call the city inspector. There was no real clean-up. Fucking thing was harder than I thought it would be.” Joey grunted in agreement and Ray continued.” ”Hello to you too.” Joey was being drowned out by the sound of a car horn in the background.” Joey hung up. He was a master of the vague conversation. I’m gonna kick your queer ass for not letting me bring the usual tools on this one. I got a ‘hood pass so we’re good. Pesci sighed on the other end of the line. Call you tomorrow.” Ray could only imagine what Joey was going on about.” ”Yeah. Ray inspected the equipment sitting on the suite’s main table. None of that mattered now anyway.

Ty let out a yelp. but you just. Elio has served his purpose. nauseating night listening in on those two and he had no doubt that he was going to have to develop a healthy buzz just to make it through. The Werts are going to be fine. Taking a sip from his scotch. Georgie’s gonna be along soon. don’t worry.Snapping his attention back to the task at hand. What we’re doing is literally making me sick. “I did tell you.” Ray got up and fixed himself a drink from the mini-bar. This is all turning into a big fucking mess.” ”Mind your tone and calm down. I’ve already called security at the convention and given them a description. Parris had turned to cold venom in the headphones. putting his feet up on the table. “I feel sick. the sound of palm striking cheek. “I think it is time that you admit that we’ve been infiltrated. At last. Not really. . the woman saying. accompanied by muffled voices. exasperated. The conversation continued as Ray’s thoughts wandered.” ”Is it good?” Now the man sounded hopeful. Ray was able to make out the details of the conversation. Ray leaned forward in a futile effort to make out what was being said as he waited for them to move closer to the microphone. So what you need to do is just sit tight and make sure that damn speech is ready by Sunday. and they got a good look at those two troublemakers. “Don’t you worry Ty.” Ray heard a sharp crack.” Ty groaned. it will do. they are starving after all.” Parris wasn’t pulling any punches and her tone matched her words. ”Now get out. he sat back down and settled in. boy?” Ray smiled. How had Joey managed to get spotted by that idiot Wert? Did Parris say there was more than one of them? The very concept of more than one Wert walking the Earth horrified him. Are we clear. Ray checked to make sure the signal was being recorded. ”No. Regardless of what may have happened to him. and I need to get his food set up. husky timbre. You’re sure he’s got a new chapter to read?” The man sounded doubtful.” There was a pause and he continued. fat man. It was going to be a long. The other was a nondescript male. The peasants will eat it. One of them was a woman with a deep. As the voices approached an acceptable level of clarity. In between binges he’s let me read some. He was getting good stuff and George wasn’t even in the room. “-aven’t heard from Elio in how long? Why didn’t you tell me about this?” The man sounded a bit like he was about to cry as he replied.” Ray shook his head in disgust. You stuff it down inside you so deep you forget you even put it there.121 - . a few days ago. ”Now you just keep that bullshit to yourself. ”I’ve seen it myself. his ears were first greeted by the hiss of radio silence.. after about a minute. ”It is all but done. I am going to make you eat your fucking words. It wasn’t long however until he heard a door opening and closing..

We’ll dance around it like wild Injuns! You understand me? Catching my drift?. Maisie complied. I’ll pull you out of that Hilton and cast you down with the Sodomites. It will dry later.” Weiss took off his glasses and leaned over to look George eye-to-eye... We’ll have us a little book barbecue in the yard. sealed off. especially now that he was outside for his required five minutes of the day (at his doctor’s behest).” George’s attention span ceased. he thought to himself. Or am I being obtuse?” . You’ll think you’ve been fucked by a train! And the library tower? Gone. No more protection from the GRRMsguard. It wasn’t that he was a pedophile .they weren’t actually expecting those photos to be used to sell things. The man paced around. then muss up your own hair. brick-by-brick. and his feed bag was empty. I could bundle Hot Pie miniatures with Needle. Not after the Jennifer Ehle and Tamzin Merchant incidents. ”Now. Arya.. We met at the after-party for the AGOT pilot.. but he was enjoying his 5 minutes. so he relied on the age-old tactic of replying with grunts and groans. ”. he would be incredibly agitated.” George’s eyebrows perked up.he paused to fan himself with an empty Crunch n’ Munch box .the book! You can’t forget our deal. Merchant takes it off at little to no provocation .“I was just trying to sell my Cersei Grieving Gowns and Dany Qarthien Robes.” He took a puff from his asthma inhaler. Parris wants to do it by the window... You see. ”Enjoying the weather?” the man asked. and he started thinking about miniatures. Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles take away the challenge of dipping into your own sour cream. content “mmmm” and accidentally (not really) soiled himself. albeit with a look of confusion. The trip to the bathroom was excruciating.. or you will do the hardest time there is. I want you to swing the sword with both hands. Nothing. “But I was just” . The heat was starting to get to him. He was interrupted by a man in Ray-Bans and a dark suit. They’ll see the flames for miles. Nothing stops. ”My name is Weiss. Until the next shipment. it’s common courtesy to. ) They would fetch top dollar.he just really loved money.. eventually leaning against a birch tree. He knew that these pictures would be perfect to pimp out his rust-damaged Needle replicas (The very last ones. with a frowny-face pin on the lapel. “I don’t want you around our actresses anymore.. George shifted uncomfortably in his borrowed hover-round.and the fact that Ms. Normally.. ”Mmmm.GEORGE (submitted by loripetty) George let out a satisfied. Have to ask the doctor how to get it up.” he said in a whiny tone. I said hello while you were submerged in the crawfish server.” ”Mmmm?” George replied. forever! he reminded himself with a smile. of course.” George grunted affirmatively. particularly since Maisie Williams had joined him to practice with her Needle replica.122 - . “I want the book by next week. You may not remember. ”Well be that as it may . much like Parris’s body did at her prime. George let another another contented groan and took another photo. I hope the Jets don’t trade away any more draft picks.

123 - .” Maybe play fantasy football with Gaiman. Weiss stamped off back into the hotel.George lost his attention span again at “Sodomites. For seemingly no reason at all. Tight. Ran wants to. though. Will consider. . Frustrated.. Doesn’t know anything about football. George thought about the book. He kind of looks like a lady. Makes me nervous. revealing pants. but he pretends to. and how his WORDSTAR writing machine actually had a rodent living inside of it now..

” He glanced at this watch. She favored him with a saucy. haha. and so am I. but its cut that showed off her voluminous cleavage was most certainly not pure. only visitor at his booth the entire convention. right?” ”Yes.” she continued “so you know George. ”Hear me roar. chance met at a Feast for Crows release party. throaty purr. Shawn fumbled about for a sharpie marker and scrawled a large cardboard sign that he placed on his chair. “Valar grremlinus. but the wait had been worth it. with a cherubic heart-shaped face framed by a sleek mane of chestnut brown hair. R.” she panted with an exquisite ache to her voice. Her hotel key card.” He felt her hand groping his.124 - . She licked her lips suggestively and sauntered away. “You’re Shawn Speakman. “Back in 5 minutes. Giddy with anticipation. and was the ice white of purest snow.. doe-eyed glance. unable to believe his luck.nay. out of reach. but I sure am. she cooed.” ”OK. All men must wait. R. ”Ours is the fury”. his thoughts turned back to when he had last taken the pink. A maiden fairto-plain.” Shawn blinked stupidly. He felt the warm softness of her cheek brush against him as she whispered in his ear and her voice was a low. ”I want you to tweak my nipples as hard as you can. Fleeting memories of that afternoon danced through his head. Amy was too fast for him and stood up. ”George R. velvet-slashed see-through evening gown.” Shawn blinked stupidly. . and something appeared in his hand. unbowed and unbroken” smiled Shawn as his hand inched forward to tweak her pouty young bosom. soon-to-be-published author. Shawn and every other man within a twenty-foot radius raptly watched the easy sway of her hips as she slinked towards the convention hall exit. Martin may not be your bitch. R. Martin” for him to autograph in triplicate. She’d been eagerly awaiting The Dark Thorn to find a publisher and had brought xeroxed copies of the preview chapters as well as printouts of “In defense of George R. and looked him right in the eye.SHAWN (submitted by kehnonymous) She leaned in close. She’d been the first . Amy was a maiden fair of five and twenty. “I’m afraid I’m in a bit of. haha.”. Shawn coolly smirked ”Growing strong”. Amy countered with a playful growl as she stroked his lap ”Unbent. Martin is not your bitch”. playfully wagging a finger at him. unwashed teenage boy with her. Her shirt read “George R.” Winter is coming. She looked like she’d been on the run and was dragging a chubby.. he was accosted by a harried-looking bleach-blonde young woman wearing a dirty. He paused for a second and amended the sign to read “Back in 3 ½ minutes” As Shawn made his way out the convention hall. haha.

”. the concierge. complaining of a short-circuit in his Hover-Round. Shawn pretended not to noticed Arst4n’s pudgy hand. ”Stop that!. He thought about his fellow GRRMlins and their amorous misadventures and smirked.” Shawn interjected “Ser Martin had some kind of malfunction that uh. The room began to swim and the pitch-black darkness behind him faded to a bright hazy blur.”George R.. She glared at him and he fell silent ”Arst4n. Shawn Speakman. And that’s the cruelest jape of all. but he heard Amy’s dulcet-toned voice from inside.” bleated the kid who was covered with a light dusting of Cheeto-dust. Shawn headed for the lobby where the elevators were. In the darkness. He stiffened in anticipation as he approached Amy’s room... Arst4n held out a greasy finger and offered her a gleaming. Seeing Shawn. Too much time spent defending Ser Martin and not enough time spent surfing craigslist. the gods only know. Anyways. haha.” she huffed with an exasperated sigh. George’s first Q & A session was still supposed to have been going on. we are NOT interested in the Dark Thorn trilogy! Do us all a favor and fucking take Random House off your fucking address book. which had been scratching at his crotch.. start picking his nose with gusto. ”Arst4n! Arst4n! Arst4nnnnn. until she wore a sleeveless dress and raised her arm to wave hello. Shawn collected his thoughts as he rode the elevator up to Amy’s room. Alone at last. “Seriously.. but as to whom plays what. ”Arst4n?” mewed the kid pitifully. She slapped him. he mumbled. dragging Arst4n away by the ear. A man in Ray-Bans and a dark suit with a frowny-face pin on the lapel stormed into the lobby right into his path. however if you can find the buffet table. ”Come in. She slapped him. ”For the fifteenth time.” The man threw up his hand in frustration and walked back toward the main hall. It’s no mystery that they play ‘Renly and Loras’. After today..” The woman stomped off. haha.Now. haha. I really must be off to. Werthead was certainly no prize and neither were any of his surviving copies.” snapped the woman. He found her hotel room and swiped the key card in the reader. his hackles were raised and he felt a prickling sensation at the back of his neck. Neil of Gaiman’s lady was pleasant enough to look at. The lights were out. He rubbed his finger in his armpit and then groped at his crotch again. where is he?” Shawn gestured vaguely towards George’s now-empty booth. He felt the . had rejected him out of hand. I wonder how she feels about the Dothraki style. he’d be the envy of them all. and shut the door. But he was way ahead of the game when you considered how his colleagues fared. Martin. you know nothing. R. He spun around to face the three figures he sensed behind him. the man took a stack of construction paper illustrated with crudely drawn crayon figures and flung it at his feet. and fumbled towards her voice. but he’d left 15 minutes early. caused him to cut his first session short. ochre booger. ”Ah anyways. The woman rolled her eyes. Ran and Linda had each other.” He did as asked. Sure.125 - . a pretty young thing who looked rather like Kristin Kreuk.

126 - . Shawn Speakman.” . The last thing he heard was Amy’s sweetly mocking laughter.floor swooping up to greet him. ”You know nothing.

Ty protested. I’m here about your little jail cellar in the Library Tower! You’re going to go away for a long. and then you’d leave me! You had me kidnapped from that White Castle by a man in foam armor! I can prove.” she said grimly. with every $50 copy of Tuf Voyaging!” ”But sir.“ George gasped and realized he and Ty weren’t alone..127 - . The game is up. which was ajar. That short. “Arst4n!” George was waving a calendar ferociously at Ty. and a package of Direwolf Jerky.well I have.and I want you to include those leftover 2009 calendars... “That’s right.. the Direwolf Jerky has been expired for several years now!” ”TY! I don’t care! Wrap it up and post on my blog!” His voice got whinier the longer the conversation went on. “TUTTLE!” he exclaimed..” I have nothing! Damn! But then. “What! You promised you’d never tell anyone about Windhaven! You promised to keep quiet about the tax write-off. aren’t you.” George sputtered like a tea kettle filled with fudge.” she said to Arst4n with a sigh. “. ”This isn’t over. “What in R’hllor’s name are you talking about? I haven’t seen you in years!” Just then.much like a jello casserole saunters across a platter . on the hour).LISA (submitted by loripetty) Lisa got off the elevator and approached George’s room door. He nodded vigorously. you moron. “What’s all the commotion. It was her! ”You! You did this! You bitch!” ”Y’all can’t prove nothin’. Lisa figured out what her play was. --- . I’m not here about that... ya’ll?” Realization dawned on Lisa. jiggly and thick like a fat Gumby. He left a few pornographic pictures on the nightstand while they walked out. long time!” George looked at her with a mixture of confusion and anger. Lisa crossed her arms. George. with Arst4n in tow. Those arms. That deep voice. and taped a “SMITE!” sticker to her back (as he had done every hour. as she lit a Pall Mall.” Parris said casually. Parris sauntered in . like an angry sea looked over at George. George. ”Yes I can! You locked me up and you’d come act out scenes from your husb—from George’s novels.. “But sir -“ ’TY! They’re incompetent fools! They’ll consume whatever morsels I provide them! I could make a miniature of YOU and they’d gobble it up like it was a thanksgiving meal! They’re as dumb as inbred jackalopes! They’re dumber than 13 on House! They’re like . and stomped out of the room. “You’re really going to follow me everywhere. and I paid you in Deluxe Westeros Brownie Bars! AND THOSE WERE THE SWEETEST PLUM!” ”No. Yosemite Sam-like physique.

but Ray stopped him. this is going to be fun. and the other who was holding court with the female concierge.128 - . “Oh. . who was wearing opaque sunglasses.” Ray said amusedly.Lisa stole a Cersei Grieving Gown from one of the dressing rooms and headed over to the who was on the phone with his mother.” Joey got off the phone immediately and started to protest. where she found two Italians . “I want to help. She sat down at the bar and ordered a cosmo. asking to borrow a shovel.

and bleach. ”It’s done. listening intently for any sound that might belie the presence of unwanted attention.” Joey stood up.” Her response was only slightly slurred. At the far side of the room. post-modern print carpeting lay at their feet. Joey muffling his light with his hand. though he knew she wouldn’t notice the gesture in the shadows. . Joey found the installation easy enough. hands palm down. Behind him.” Joey said as he finally switched on his flashlight. Let’s get out of here. Even the dumb broads on Sex and the City had stopped drinking those years ago. but they still had to be careful. custom made to hide stains and bear the burden of countless business casual shoes. Two giant video screens were positioned on either side. Joey agreed and the trio made their way over. but after Arst4n shut the door.“ Lisa said. Even the HVAC was off. This was where. the player had gone unused for years and no one would even notice an innocuous piece of equipment sitting atop the other gear. what little light there had been in the room disappeared. ” Arst4n. George would be making his speech and reading the new Dance chapter. Apparently she’d been locked in that tower for some time.” Joey focused his light on the stage. A stiff drink or three seemed as good a way as any to help her forget what she’d gone through. letting only enough through to see where they were going. That’s where the fucker’s gonna be. It was as simple as unplugging an old tape player from the amplifier and using that input for his remote transmitter. They might have managed to bribe a sympathetic security guard into letting them into the convention’s ballroom. “You’re gonna get us pinched. With any luck. Joey was reluctant to turn on his flashlight. touching its surface. Pesci grimaced at the stench as he walked further into the dim convention hall. The combination of the day’s earlier festivities and the janitorial staff’s effort to cleanse the room of nerd residue did not blend well. ”I bet the audio equipment is behind the podium. using his light to locate Lisa. She had a strange look on her face as she stared into the darkness. looking like the solar panels of a satellite in some weird rip-off of a Kubrick film. in less than 13 hours. Joey shook his head a bit in exasperation.PESCI (submitted by scorpiknox) The place smelled like stale pizza. I think I may have had one too many cosmos. Behind the podium.” whispered Arst4n. Joey could make out about three-hundred metal chairs lined in neat rows.” ”Sorry. ”There. probably still warm from the heat of overweight audience members. That she still drank cosmos spoke to how long she’d been held captive.129 - . Busy.” he whispered. cutting through the silence. flop sweat. ”God I wish he’d quit following us. The room was a typical middle American convention hall. her arms out in front of her. ”Keep it the fuck down. It was eerily quiet. Joey couldn’t blame her for indulging. All three of them paused in the sudden darkness. a long table and podium sat on a low stage. She had stumbled into the metal chair that Joey had managed to avoid a moment before. High ceilings latticed with inset track lighting faded into shadows un-pierced by Joey’s light. She was sitting at the long table. Lisa was making too much noise.

Vinny looked back over his shoulder and asked. Despite this. “Hey. least of all women. We have a big day tomorrow and I need to sleep this off. Tell me this is going to work. As they got in the back seat of the black sedan. her face suddenly concerned.”I can’t believe the time has finally come. Snapping out of her seeming trance. “We’re gonna show these fuckers. Vinny was across the street waiting for them in the Lincoln.130 - . “Sure as shit it’ll work. he heard himself say. After a moment.“ she monotoned. where’s that fucking Arst4n kid?” Joey and Lisa exchanged glances. “Is this going to work? Tell me. Turning to Vinny. Lisa shrugged and said. babe. Trust me. no longer whispering. We’re almost at the home stretch. Joey felt uncomfortable and aroused all at once.” . and they nodded to the man they had bribed as he let them out the back door into the alley. Finally. No one had noticed them. Don’t get all undead Catelyn on me now.” Joey was not into reassuring people. “Looks like you got your wish.” Joey shook his head and smirked.” He put a hand on her shoulder and leaned in. he said simply. placing her hand over Joey’s. she looked up at Joey. Lisa pushed back her chair and stood up. They remained there for a few quiet moments. “Drive. all was quiet.” Lisa raised her arm across her body.” Outside the hall. ”Let’s go back to the hotel Joey.

just tell me what you know. ser.GEORGE (submitted by scorpiknox) The backstage craft services table was woefully under-stocked. Ty took out a manila envelope from back behind his waist-band and handed it to the man who paid his bills. not worth the effort. I-“ ”Ser. Excellent. he thought. “Thanks. though he did prefer his chicken deep fried. Parris suspects foul play and I have to say I agree with her. About fifteen pages had been stapled together at the corner. “I don’t care what you or that woman think. “And did you circulate the pictures of those Italians that attacked The Wert Collective?” . “Oh.” Ty looked over his shoulder. George opened it up and took out the paper inside. wet cardboard. um…your beard sir. I think the Others are beh-“. but thought better of the idea. “No. I want them on their foam covered toes. they want you on stage in twenty minutes. He almost picked up the floor food and ate it. thumbing through the pages. Bad enough I have to be on my feet at all. They had been printed with a font large enough to would allow him to take off his glasses for dramatic effect. “Here?” George wiped his face with the back of a fat fingered hand. “What? What are you looking at?” George licked his chops clear of the soft remains of rye and chicken salad. George looked over the remnants with disdain. The bed in the hotel did not agree with him and his back had been acting up more than usual. “Um. it is already a packed house. I have your speech here. Bah.“ Ty nodded as George continued. He had never been one to one to turn down free food and today was no exception. “How does the room look Ty? Is it filling up?” “Yes sir. but food was food and George dutifully finished his meal even as he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. he’d been close to shouting.” Ty pointed to where George’s chin should have been and looked down at the floor. He lowered his voice. George promptly cut him off.” George grunted.131 - . ” ”Yes ser. but first: any word from Elio? Has he shown up yet?” George glanced up as he asked this. I suppose. no sign of him yet. “Look. George sighed.” George lowered his voice a bit. should the need arise. We’ll read it through in a minute.” Ty was eyeing him strangely. embarrassed. I mean it. He began eating the sandwich even as he stuffed two more of them into the inside pocket of his trench coat. There’s a piece of bread in it. and those that still lingered were chicken salad on rye. checking to see if anyone was within earshot. Have the GRRMsguard on alert level ‘Dabel’ and make sure they realize that that is the highest of my new alert levels. “This will have to do. A damp chunk of bread the size of a post-it note fell to the floor with a faint smack. finally grabbing one of the room temperature morsels despite his reluctance. beady eyes peering out from between thick plastic rims and unkempt eyebrows. “Boss. George turned around to see his assistant standing there. you.” Lifting up his dragon shirt. There were hardly any sandwiches left. The one he was devouring tasted like hot.

Between Tuttle showing up last night and all the other stuff I was beginning to think this whole trip was the Red Wedding come to life. so George raised his voice once more. there is…something else. George like the way that last thought flowed and decided it should be preserved. In the heat of the moment he’d said his middle names out loud. word for word.” George was horrified at his mistake.” ”You don’t care about Shawn?” Ty sounded surprised. “How dare they miss a deadline like that! I was promised a painting of Italian mobsters and I shouldn’t have to deal with unprofessional amateurs who don’t make deadlines!” He looked around self-consciously after the outburst and brought his voice down yet again.” ”Good. In point of fact. but compliments and praise were exclusively reserved for him. but I’ve been promised a May completion date. “Yes well. “Speakman is missing now too. That’s actually what I thought you were doing. He quickly dismissed it as a dark impossibility. ”Before we do that ser. not the help. he thought. Luckily Ty was loyal. They haven’t finished painting the portraits. Your secret is safe with me. Ty pulled out a pen and what looked like an envelope from one of the cargo pockets of his shorts and prepared to take dictation.” ”Oh. ser. for I play a game most deadly.132 - . “I am George Raymond Richard fucking Martin. that’s the first time I’ve heard them. I believe most people are unaware of the true nature of your middle names. seeking to justify his lack of fitness. for I play a game most deadly. Whispering is without a doubt the breathiest form of speech there is. “Did you get it?” ”Yes ser. I must keep ever vigilant.” “Damn and blast. what in the bloody hells else could be wrong now?” George was on the verge of running out of breath from such a long conversation. is that all?” George let out a relieved snort. all would have been lost. I couldn’t. Brilliant. He hasn’t been seen since last night.” . though if I wanted your opinion I would have asked for it. Don’t they know that?” “Actually ser.” Ty nodded and said.” George knew Ty was a fair writer. Ser. just keep them to yourself. most eloquent.” Was there a glimmer in Ty’s eyes just then? George couldn’t be sure. out with it boy. “Yes. Let the peasants continue to think that I’m referencing that colossal hack Tolkien and all will be as it should. “ he commanded.’“ Ty scribbled furiously and George waited until he was done to ask.” The words sounded odd when said at a near whisper. We shall now go over this drivel you’ve written. Of course. boy. ”‘I must keep ever vigilant. “You had me worried for a second. The recent turmoil had him chasing after shadows. boy. ”He is insignificant. “Write this down. but the thought of Ty betraying him was dire indeed. George stiffened at the prospect of more bad news. “Well. but if he’d have made the same mistake in front of his enemies.“Uh sorry ser.” Ty sounded even more reticent than usual.

let’s go over my speech. Aren’t you worried?” Ty had gone from surprised to incredulous. just awful.”But ser. he will not be missed. he’s one of your greatest defenders.133 - . “Enough bloody distractions.” George waved the speech in front of Ty’s face and said. No. George scoffed.” . “Have you read his fiction? Awful.

can’t you?” He turned towards Arst4n and swore in fury. The first Werthead continued his instructions. At the large dais in the middle.. you can read.R. The woman collapsed in a heaving fit of sobs. so see if Ty will unload some of them.” he proclaimed with a theatrical flourish. one woman and several men wearing foam armor and black t-shirts embroidered with dragons were hanging banners decorated with knights and horses. “Arst4n. Ty takes care of everything. ”You’d like an autograph?” Werthead frowned to himself. have some mercy on the child. noticed Arst4n and greeted him pleasantly. searching for some breakfast. ---- . “You! Sffworld.” He paused. from the looks of him. “Gods be good.even the water-damaged copies. insisting instead that they bring and sell their entire stock of Fevre Dream and Wild Cards volumes . The boy was drooling all over one of the few copies they had left of A Storm of Swords. don’t give him any copies of The Dark Thorn.ARST4N (submitted by kehnonymous) Arst4n had wandered through the convention center all night. who had bleary eyes and seemed to be watching the rest of the men work. Child. Arst4n nodded eagerly. “Elio! Oh gods! Elio. Ser George R. Some of the men were heavily bandaged. Martin had limited the number of Ice and Fire books they’d brought to C2E2 to sell. No. One of the men. my love?” Arst4n had time to put a Post-It Note on the woman’s forehead that read “Smite” before the Wertheads grabbed him and escorted him away.. “Can I help you?” ”Arst4n. I patrol Speculative Horizons. He had pulled down his pants and was beaming proudly at the tiny pink worm wriggling between his legs.” Arst4n blinked uncomprehendingly. and the first haze of morning dimly illuminated the cavernous convention hall. in the name of the Seven. where are you. The rumble in his stomach reminded him of his hunger and he picked his nose... Just get back here quick. He sniffed audibly and thought about a second hit of coke. ” He called out to one of the other men. “Seven fucking bloody hells!” Arst4n was standing in front of the woman. “Though.134 - .com! Take this kid backstage to Ty.. He saw a large blue book lying on the velvet-draped table and started to examine it. The woman brandished a long lock of silky brown hair in one hand and looked like she’d been crying. He wondered where the pretty girl and the potty mouth man had gone. They did look all the same. Maybe we also can unload some of the Wild Cards books on the kid..” Werthead rolled his eyes. and clawed at her face. they’re such a bloody pain to cart out of the tower. He stood in silence staring at the buzz of activity. “The gods know we have enough bloody calendars as well.” Arst4n looked at the second man and blinked.” ”You’ll have to have Ty take care of it. The man spoke really funny. he wants an autograph.. we’re er. but Arst4n thought all of them looked the same. I’m Werthead. there aren’t nearly as many of us left.” ”Ah yes. ”The master abides and so shall I.

. he struggled to stand up... You’ll have to buy two signed copies of Tuf Voyaging.“ Ty paused to consider the unwashed. Ser Martin is indisposed at the moment. “I suppose you want an autograph. He stared at the breast and thought he saw teeth marks on it. You want me to do what? Look. If they were going to send an infiltrator they would’ve sent someone. Don’t suppose you can actually read any of it. Arst4n. I can’t stay on the phone long.. he could! He gesticulated excitedly with both hands. I. quickly hiding a stack of papers in a drawer and stuffing another stack into a manila folder.. he squealed.. yes.” A Werthead deposited him in front of a ready room. the man thundered.. though I’ll throw in a Dabel calendar if we still have any. ”No!” Ty looked up from his phone call and screamed. wearing a sailor hat and an extra-extra-extra-large black t-shirt. Next to the miniature figurines. Ty looked at the phone and his already nervous expression now registered absolute terror. ”What in seven hells is that doing here?”. “It’ll cost you. dowdy woman was asleep on one of the sofas. His round pudgy fingers brushed against the firing mechanism. yes.. and thurm!.. still holding the crossbow in his right. I’m listening.The Sffworld... A pendulous. so you’ll have to wait. “I. Arst4n thought he had seen her before. Scanning the room he found a table of miniature people. too. With a distracted snort he picked up the crossbow and began a clumsy examination of it. ”Arst4n! Arst4n!” He could read. brighter. Immensely rotund. naked from the waist down. Arst4n opened the door. He looked up with a start. a quarrel shot out and caught the fat man point blank in the belly. From behind a door.. ”Arst4n.. his squinty dark eyes lit up at seeing a working replica crossbow. stupidlooking boy before him. frozen in terror. “I’m sure one autograph will be fine. Arst4n’s wax-crusted ears perked up as he heard a vibrating noise. exquisitely lacquered to resemble a charging lion with flames for its mane. “Arst4n?” . Arst4n stared in surprise.. Ty’s phone was ringing and the strains of “My Heart Will Go On” filled the hotel suite. Arst4n suddenly remembered that he had to pee. he sat on the toilet. Numbly he answered. The toilet paper dispenser was empty and the man was feebly wiping between his ample backside with wadded up copies of The Dark Thorn. Arst4n!”.. A nervous looking man opened the door and stammered a hello. It was the fat man with the beard from before. snoring loudly.I really have to.. ”Yes. boy?” ”Arst4n!” The man harrumped.. it’ll be ready. pointing at Arst4n. he heard the rumbling crescendo of a wet staccato fart. Inhaling heavily through his mouth he sniffed the air and thought he smelled chili con queso. weren’t you? I’m Ty and well.” With visible effort.” Arst4n got bored trying to understand all the grown-up talk. and fondled the girl ones with boobies in one hand and dug into his bedraggled grey sweatpants with the other. boy... making a beeline for the closed bathroom door. I’m not sure if I can do this. wrinkled breast flopped out of her baggy tie-dyed dress.135 - . you were here with Miss Tuttle. Brandishing the crossbow like a plastic toy sword... but I.

Daddy?” . clutching at himself as he strained to recall something. Arst4n tittered gleefully at seeing bits of gold candy-wrapper foil scattered amongst the creeping brown lake of crud. however... with a frightened yelp.. and he involuntarily loosed a spray of shit upon the ceramic tile floor.. settling back down on the toilet as his own shit pooled around his feet. The man. ran to fetch a mop. Arst4n.. Arst4n looked up.136 - .. He glumly started eating it with a look of resignation.The fat man’s rolls of blubber took the brunt of the shot.. ”..artsan. shuddered with the impact... his beady dull eyes narrowed in contemplation. “Ty. Ty remembered himself and. and the crossbow bolt bounced off with a boing and clattered harmlessly on the ceramic tile floor. his eyes agape. With a wheedling pout.... Arst4n giggled excitedly.” The fat man sighed. and landed back down upon the toilet in an awkward sitting position. Arst4n..” With a pained sigh.Arst4nArst4nArst4nArst4n. he attempted to stand up and gave up. clean this up now! Mood: exhausted. “Arst4n! Arst4n! Arst4n!” ”God damn it!” The fat man’s voice was a curiously hysterical whine.. reached under a fold of fat and produced a chicken salad sandwich. lost his footing.. ”Arst4n. There was a slurping rattle from beneath his immense belly. and he frowned. After a moment. the fat man fixed Arst4n with a glowering stare. Arst4n stared back.

There was no use in hiding it any longer. Parris. George got a look at himself in the bathroom mirror and for a brief moment felt the sharp sting of self-loathing. Finally. Clean was a relative term." "Come in. The fresh pants felt cool against his still drying legs as he strapped on his suspenders. It was time to acknowledge his union with Tuttle. are you ready for them?" Ty's face betrayed his disgust at the sight of his naked employer. searching through the loose folds of her tie-died muumuu. She said nothing as she fumbled around for a few moments. "Did you bring pants?" "Yes ser. The boy had gone to get clean water for the mop bucket and had been instructed stop and pick up a fresh pair of pants along way. listening to what sounded like a chant of "We want GRRM. It was then that Ty noticed that George was engorged." Parris' eyes narrowed ever so slightly. George was all but ready to face his public. keeping the door closed as much as possible. He hated when people were late. deep drag. He'd gotten lucky in that the supply of hand towels had been freshly stocked. we want GRRM" as it grew in volume. He walked out of the bathroom a new man. he'd denied his progeny long enough. his pants still missing as he splashed water onto the back of his hairy thighs. however meaningless it had been. and Ty. "Arst4n?" George let out a long and wheezy sigh. The bottom of his shirt was tucked through the collar like a San Franciscan monk and his belly was exposed in all of its dubious splendor. even through the bathroom door. . beady eyes darting between Parris. He was supposed to be on stage reading his new chapter ten minutes ago and he didn’t want to be any more late than absolutely necessary. He would need them as the mess had run down past his knees." Ty slid into the cramped bathroom. Standing near the doorway. and George was fast approaching his acceptable hygienic threshold. One ample haunch rested on the sink as he lapped water onto it. ready to face the world that had finally accepted his genius. "It's me. Both men paused for a bit. she drew a pack of Pall Malls from one of the pockets and lit one up. A filthy head poked out from behind it. closing her eyes and tilting her head towards the ceiling as she exhaled a silvery cloud of smoke. "He's my son. Ty had gotten to the point where he was simply coating the floor with shit-water and there were still smeared remnants of the brown eruption on the tile. She took a long. "I asked for them didn’t I?" George's voice was as menacing as he could manage under the circumstances. It was disrespectful. finally drowning out the whir of the strained bathroom fan. "George. In his attempts to clean up. The sounds of a restless audience had grown more noticeable. Minutes later. There was a knock on the door and he heard Ty say.GEORGE (submitted by scorpiknox) George was washing himself off in the bathroom sink. who is this little monster?" She glanced over to the couch on which she'd recently been napping. you dullard. George.137 - . after Ty had left him to don his trousers. Parris caught his eye.

"Windhaven?" Arst4n asked sweetly. testing. and he took a step back despite himself." George nodded and started to stammer. the hand rail creaked. "Yes. Ray had chosen the costume as an homage to another group of plucky rebels who'd risked their lives to overthrow a despot similar to George in build and disposition. George cleared his throat. You pooped on it a lot." she said at long last. avoiding Parris' gaze along the way. George failed to notice Ray Liotta in the audience. Ty. The sound of feedback reverberated through the PA system as George breathed heavily into the microphone. smiling the smile of the insane. "Testing. Ty cringed at the thought of his employer forcing his sweaty girth upon anyone. "Don’t you have a speech to make? Well get to it. The chanting had grown louder. Looking out over the crowd as his eyes adjusted. It was Tuttle. he was starving." With that. my lord. alright?" Parris smiled a wry smile and looked over towards Arst4n. strained to the breaking point under the tremendous burden."Your son. causing him to squint as he walked on stage. his glasses half fogged over from the effort." With that George lumbered out of the room. well…we comforted each other. what do you want me to say? It was a stupid bloody mistake. George began to sputter. " George flashed Artsan a murderous look. Their bellies met." said George. grabbing a handful of beard and yanking him close to her. "Look. Have one of the Werts bring me a new copy at once. Do your damned job for once. about eight years ago? Ten?" Arst4n stood up from behind the couch and cocked his head. sweat pouring down his face. on the twentieth anniversary of our book's publication. spawn of Tuttle. "We ain't through discussing this. "I bet that wench J. The author shuddered." He was uncomfortable. "Ty. The natives were restless. Her voice was dangerously calm. the room grew quiet . "Very well. step after deliberate step. "This is all your fault.K. "Uh." Arst4n looked back at George. never has to walk up stairs. He exited the hallway that lead from the green room and approached the stairway up to the stage. I shall read my Dance chapter first. "What was it Georgie. "Yes Parris. probably because he was dressed as Lando Calrissian in disguise as seen in Star Wars Episode VI. He hated how modern audio equipment made him sound unusually high pitched and nasally. She reached out with long unpainted nails." Having returned to the bathroom to finish mopping up. He gathered himself before opening the heavy door. He had never got used to the sound of his own voice. At last he reached the top. Bright light hit his eyes. As his words reverberated throughout the hall. but I can explain. ser.138 - . He reminded George of a curious little monkey. The towers had just fallen and we. He was in trouble. The chant of "We want GRRM" dissolved into the loud roar of applause as he approached the podium. but Parris cut him off. Parris approached George. you see she seduced me. It was during LepriCon. you pooped on it. echoing from the entryway to the green room. Most of all. she released him. where's the speech?" Poking his head out from behind the bathroom door. Ty replied. Not by a long shot. As he leaned on it for support." he muttered to himself as he heaved his bulk up the flight. Nine daunting steps separated him from his adoring fans.

Curious as to how long George would go on reading what was clearly not his work. "Can you hear me out there. "Well. Someone had played a joke on him. Um. It matters not. He gave himself a mental shrug. I'd like to thank you all for coming. The poor rubes had been duped just as he had once been. his brow furrowed. They wanted to know about Dance of course. tonight I will be giving a speech about the business side of writing as well as professionalism in the creative world. "'Bran'." The crowd let out a great cheer. Scanning the page. many years ago. wondering who'd managed to switch out George's chapter with what the man had just read. but what else was new? It was always about Dance. and thank C2E2 for inviting me to speak. "'The rat glared with beady black eyes at the broken man’s approach before scurrying away into the darkness. He smiled sadly as he continued. and among them Ray smiled to himself. Why not grant them this one moment of happiness before he exposed George for the grafter that he was? George took a deep breath and opened the white binder that the Werts had left for him on the podium. Ray's friends did the same. George cleared his throat and said.'" Ray sat back in surprise. Chicago?" A random audience member shouted a long. A Dance with Dragons. . He spoke once more to the hushed crowd. a lone vestige of life among the dusty bones of death. he crossed his arms and listened patiently. this lot will gobble it up as long as I tell them that it is made of Ice and Fire." he began. Elsewhere in the crowd.139 - . "But first.with anticipation. lonely "Ditka!" in response. After that I will be fielding any and all questions regarding Fevre Dream or Wildcards. he thought. He would let them enjoy their reading before he set things in motion. I will be reading a chapter from my forthcoming book." George paused sensing that he was already losing the mob.

"This sweet child ain't getting one red cent of my money. as villains are prone to do. Adrenaline coursed through him. "No Ty. I have worked too damn hard for him to take what's mine!" Parris snarled. it’s a good thing you look good in those shorts. scrambling to the other side of the room. Ty remained on the sofa. "Parris! Stop this…this insanity! By the god's. "You don’t seem all that mad about this. The woman approached Arst4n. "Now don’t you think I already knew about all this? Why do you think I locked that trailer trash cunt up in the first place?" Just last night. hands open and shaking. or you'll be the first to die!" Parris lunged at Ty with the pointy end. Ty looked at Parris and said. The sheer wrongness of it all had been weighing heavily on his heart. putting himself in between the armed ogress and the filthy goblin. that he was in danger of becoming one of them. he's only a child!" Ty's arms were outstretched." Arst4n grunted like an ape and stood up on the table. even before the Tuttle revelation. they eyed the feral child Arst4n as he squatted on the ruin that once was the craft service table.TY (submitted by scorpiknox) Ty and Parris sat on the green room couch." Parris continued her exposition. and the boy hissed. That is. George was droning on outside. I will be one of the richest women in Santa Fe.'…" The horrendous prose snapped Ty out of his trance as he realized that George was reading from Shawn Speakman's Dark Thorn Trilogy. His eyes wild with terror." Ty looked away. sloppy man up there finally dies. "This is about money?" Ty scoffed. "Ty my sweetling. but Ty was on the verge of hating himself for his complacency." Parris gave him a casual smile. come to Parris…" Arst4n hissed again.140 - . his hands shaking in the air in defiance. Her eyes went wide as she said. . and Ty made out the muffled phrase. winding him up like a top: he had never before dared to defy Parris and it filled him with a sensation both exhilarating and terrifying. too stunned at her admission of attempted infanticide to do much of anything but stare at her in horror. He pushed his confusion aside and leapt up. "The only reason why I'm hot under the collar is 'cause this little shit didn’t stay dead after I dropped him in that dumpster nine years ago. Parris coerced her girth off of the couch and stood on bare feet. a wet stain spread across the front of his sweatpants. Exhausted. 'cause you ain’t the brightest spark on the plug. "It is always about money. And when that silly. A long. He did not fully understand or acknowledge it. wicked dagger appeared in her hand from beneath the folds of her garment. Ty had been horrified to learn that he'd been party to Lisa Tuttle's prolonged captivity. murder in her voice. Now out of my way. "Arst4n!" he shouted. I will be as long as he has no heirs. "Come hither my dear heart. 'Dis place given me jeebies. away from Parris. insulted. He was beginning to suspect that he'd gotten in too deep with these people. indignant. "… the haze of drug addiction slackening his jowls and giving his hands the palsy awaiting his next fix. while Parris went on. nimbly jumping off of the table.

a spidery figure leapt onto her back. not to New Mexico. Seeing that she had the advantage. She was faster. softly cooing to herself like a wounded animal. Arst4n climbed around her. Ty relented. a snarling ball of pasty white flesh. but Parris could move. her pillowy arms could not manage the angle and the blade never came close to its target. He'd tried too late to catch his fall and felt the bones in his left wrist crack. all the years of abuse and frustration coming back to him. but a cut had opened up on his shoulder. laying on his back with his knees up. you and me. sugar. "Leave. and tears welled up in his eyes. " Parris straightened as she prepared her death blow. come at me then. you go too far!" Ty went for the knife and Parris pulled away. "You disappoint me. "C'est la vie. "Cow. shifting her weight to one side. Ty rose to his knees and got a look at his fallen foe. Blood was streaming down his arm and his shirt was ruined. "I'd rather die than to be like you. flooding him with the desire to be rid of both of them. the worm has grown teeth!" Parris brushed unkempt strands of hair from her face with one hand while she flourished the blade with the other. Her nose was mangled beyond repair and her scalp was bleeding from where Arst4n had yanked huge clumps of hair free at the roots. she the tree and he the ape. it would be with his principles unsullied. saying." "Never! We've never had anything!" Ty was defiant in his resignation. "Ah. That was it. his morality restored. "Just make it quick. Not to Santa Fe. boy. mon cheri. The dagger was all that mattered. and she flailed in vain trying to stab him off of her. Blood spurted forth and Parris dropped the dagger for the second time as she let out a high pitched moan. The dagger clattered to the ground. the floor delivering a blow that sent sharp pains shooting along his spine. not to anywhere near me. but he counted on Parris not wanting to take that chance. and used her bulk to her advantage. Let's finish this. Finally Ty gave up trying to wrest the weapon for himself and struck Parris' elbow hard with a closed fist. He burned with a rage as sudden as it was fierce. griping the hilt of the dagger in both hands. The boy's face was awash in crimson. do you understand? Leave before I take this dagger and finish you myself. that was all Ty could take. To her dismay. Parris fell to the ground and Arst4n jumped off of her. I thought we had a little something. once and for all. If he was to die. his teeth pink as he smiled at Ty and barked "Arst4n!" Parris was crumpled in a heap." he told her as he picked up the fallen dagger." Ty knew the threat was hollow. Parris lunged for her weapon and Ty did the same. "Leave and never come back. Just as she was about to strike." Parris loomed over him. his gnashing teeth finding her face at long last. The pain in his wrist was unbearable.141 - . He dodged to the right in time to avoid serious damage. She nodded and slowly got up on her . Parris screamed in outrage and put her leg behind Ty's. "Well. both combatants vying for control over the deadly tool at the expense of all else. quicker than Ty would have thought possible for a woman her size." he choked.nearly catching him in the chest." The two met in the middle of the green room. Ty flew onto his back. Ty was slightly stronger. The boy called Arst4n scratched and clawed at Parris' face from behind.

hands and knees, crawling towards the rear exit of the green room. As she passed by the craft services table, she pulled herself up onto her feet. Spotting a stack of napkins she took a handful to staunch the flow of blood. Watery eyes looked back at Ty over her shoulder. "This isn’t over," was all she said before making her way out the door.

- 142 -

(submitted by scorpiknox)

Ray was trying hard not to laugh at just how bad The Dark Thorn was. He could tell that George had been trying to fix it even as he read it, but his efforts were in vain. It was beyond repair, grammar so abused and mangled that Gore Vidal himself could not have mended it. As predicted however, the GRRiMlins were eating it up. They thought it was a new Bran chapter after all. George continued reading: "'The bookseller’s administrations had hurt like hell and Richard had gritted his teeth throughout them. He knew by the next morning he would be greatly healed.' " George abruptly stopped reading and muttered to himself, "By the gods, what was he thinking? " He hadn’t been quiet enough to avoid being picked up by the microphone, and his mutterings rang through the room. He looked up at the crowd, his face going red. Clearing his throat in embarrassment, he said, "Ahem, well, that concludes this chapter of A Dance with Dragons. " The applause was thunderous, the result of enthusiastic fans, brainwashed long ago, voicing their unconditional love for a man who could not have cared less about them. Ray brought his watch up to his mouth and said, "Now! " The room went dark and the crowd's applause dissolved into a confused dissonance. An ominous low rumble swelled from the speakers that were arrayed along the front of the stage. A hush fell upon them all, most under the impression that this was some part of the show. Perhaps a big announcement from George, they thought. Perhaps the big announcement. The two giant screens on either side of the dais flashed on, flooding the room with white light for a split second before going black. Then came the words on the screen, typed out in letters three feet tall. YOU ARE ALL ASLEEP. The screen flashed again, then: YOU ARE LIVING A LIE. Ray heard someone behind him say, "Aw, they already did this in the Matrix." Another someone shushed him. The screen flashed yet again: THERE IS NO SPOON. "See, it's just a Matrix rip-off, that’s a direct quote!" This time the one man peanut gallery was shushed by half a dozen others. THERE IS NO DANCE WITH DRAGONS. At this, the crowd gasped in unison. "Lies!" someone shouted. George's voice rang out over the speakers: "…no one must know that I'll never finish the series. The peasants will still pay so long as they think their patience will be rewarded…"

- 143 -

"...The imbeciles worship me, as they should..." On stage, George squealed, "Turn it off, turn it all off!" His mike was no longer on, and he flailed about helplessly, screaming at someone in the front row. “I don’t feel like writing it, and I deserve to be noticed for my previous work anyway!…Ty, your speech had better make me look good…I am not their bitch, they are mine!...I want those detractors dead!...Bring me more food!...Free calendars!... They should be thanking me for my generosity!" "…I have no plans to work on Dance for the remainder of the year…Mood: lazy." The sound bites continued, but were soon drowned out by the din of what was fast becoming an angry mob on the verge of rioting. Ray knew the job was only half finished. A new message flashed on the screen: THERE IS A BOMB IN THIS ROOM. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. Within the crowd, hot anger quickly turned to cold terror and there was a mad rush for the doors. People scrambled over chairs and each other, screaming and cursing, fighting their way out of the convention hall. Ray stayed where he was, an immutable boulder in a stream. He spotted his brother and Vinny, who were dressed up as Baseball Furies from the movie The Warriors, a perfect excuse to bring baseball bats with them into the convention. He spotted Kristen Kruek and Lisa Tuttle, dressed as the Klingon sisters Lursa and B'Etor of House Duras, both armed with functional bat'leths. And he spotted Krafus and his two mysterious friends, dressed in ordinary clothes but no doubt filled with extraordinary hate. As the room emptied out, the lights came back up. GRRM still stood atop the dais. In the turmoil, he had armed himself with a replica of Needle. The sword looked comically small in contrast with his massive bulk, but the blade was as sharp as any. The GRRMsguard was lined up in front of the stage, weapons drawn. Ray recognized four of them as members of the Wert Collective, but the other three were new to him. The central Wert called out, "George RR Martin is not your bitch!" Ray approached the stage, halving the distance between he and the assembled forces of GRRM before stopping. "Is that all you have to say Wert? The same tired lines, over and over again?" "Go read something else!" replied the Wert on the right, answering Ray's question. Ray could sense his allies gathering behind him. He switched his attention from the Werts to George himself. "Who are these new lackeys you've assembled Georgie-boy? I've never seen them before." The three new-comers all wore the same green and blue foam armor of the GRRMsguard, green for the NY Jets, blue for the NY Giants. The bald one stepped forward. His head was the shape of an hourglass, as if it had been caught in a vice. His eyes were squinted and he gave a sinister grin as he introduced himself with a thick cockney accent, "I'm Evilnioj, I am, the defender of Ser Martin's vastly superior early work. I own multiple copies of all Wildcard novels and 'ave a case of first edition copies of Tuf Voyaging on backorder! I am Ser Martin's greatest fan!" At that, Evilnioj stepped back into formation. The second of the new GRRMsguard stepped forward. He had a Dallas Cowboys hat on and his face reminded Ray of Sloth from The Goonies. "And I am Trebla1972," he declared, "I am the keeper of the NFL posts. I worship Ser Martin for his insights into the NCF East and will defend his analysis to the death. I am Ser Martin's greatest fan!"

- 144 -

The last of the new guards stepped forward as Trebla1972 stepped back. He was young, with thick black hair and chubby infant like cheeks. For some reason, he was wearing bright orange scuba-goggles. He pursed his lips and said, "What's the matter with you people? Don’t you know that I am Doug Whiting? You really need to get a life. I spend all day trolling Facebook to potshot those who would doubt my lord's majesty, thus I am Ser Martin's greatest fan!" The man who looked like a big baby stepped back. The GRRMsguard line was complete once more. George had assembled a hodgepodge rabble of internet hangers on and Ray was not impressed. "Give it up old man," he called out, "End this fucking farce. You know we'll win this. The fact that you've been reduced to relying on the B team only proves how weak you've become. Where is Ran? Where is Shawn? Where is Neil? You seem to be missing your greatest defenders." Ray paused. He'd noticed two other key absences. "And where are Ty and Parris?" Pesci piped up, "Probably out back making some fuck-ugly babies." Krafus barked a sharp laugh at this. The last comment hit close to home, and George thundered as best he could in his whiney voice, "You ungrateful bastards! I'll have your heads on pikes! I am the American Tolkien! I a-am…" he sputtered, "I am George RR Martin! I will not be treated as thus by the likes of you!" "Last chance, big guy." George seemed to calm down ever so slightly, perhaps at last sensing the dire nature of his situation. "What is it you want of me then?" he probed. "A full written apology for your behavior. Condemning the hucksterism, condemning the irresponsible vacations, and most of all, condemning the sheer callousness towards your fans that you've displayed these last five years." George opened his mouth to reply but Ray continued, "In addition, you agree to let Pesci fly back to Santa Fe with you and oversee the completion of the series. Call it a motivational consort." "Impossible!" George was incredulous, "I've never apologized for anything in my life and I'd sooner die than be forced to write when I'm not in the mood." George gritted his teeth in a snarl, yellow teeth contrasting with his dirty white beard. "No, I think instead I shall send you to the seven bloody hells!" George pointed his Needle at Ray and shrieked, "Get them! " The GRRMsguard charged, their foam swords replaced with wooden practice swords in anticipation of this very situation. Two of the Werts honed in on Pesci and Vinny, one shouting "Revenge!" as he swung his weapon in a wide, sweeping arc. Joey caught the whirring wooden blade with his bat and countered with a kick to the knee. The unfortunate Wert screeched as his leg bent back in the wrong direction. "Yeah!" Pesci gloated, "How do you like that, pig fucker?" Ten feet away, Ray was busy with Evilnoij, who'd come at him crying "For Doorways!" while wielding a wooden sword the size of a claymore. He'd probably focused on Ray because he lacked a proper weapon. The staff that had come with his costume was a useless prop long ago discarded, and he hadn't wanted to bring his pistol for fear he'd end up shooting someone. What Ray did have, however, was a childhood rife with violence, bloodshed, and countless street fights. He avoided the Brit's clumsy attack and delivered a hard right cross, landing squarely on one misshapen cheek. Before Evilnoij could react, fists with knuckles hard as steel rained a half a dozen more blows to the GRRiMlins face, rendering it a devastated ruin.

- 145 -

After he had dispatched his opponent, Ray looked around for someone else to fight. Krafus and his gang were in the process of tying up the two Werts they'd subdued, while near the stage Lisa and Kruek had Trebla1972 backed up at bat'leth point against one of the mammoth video screens. Even Vinny was doing well against his opponent, and Joey had left his recently crippled victim to deal with the ever annoying Doug Whiting. Too late, Ray saw that no one was watching what the George was up too. Still standing on the stage, it was obvious to the author that the battle was lost. George reached under his captain's hat and pulled out what looked like a small plastic orb. Raising his arm above his head, the rotund man declared, "You'll not force me to yield! Behold, my ninja stealth!" He slammed the plastic orb onto the floor and shouted, "I am Batman! " A billowing cloud of smoke erupted at his feet, quickly consuming him and half the dais around him. Ray cursed and raced towards the stage fearing the worst. Luckily, George had overestimated his powers of stealth and underestimated the strength of the smoke bomb: he could be clearly seen scurrying towards the back stage entrance. Ray bypassed the misty cloud and leapt onto the stage, headed straight for the fleeing author. "Don’t make me tackle you fat man." Ray warned, not shouting, but loud enough for his nemesis to hear. About five feet away from the door, George stopped in his tracks. His back facing Ray, his shoulders sagged in resignation as folds folded upon folds, back-fat cascading over itself under his black T-shirt. He dropped his Needle with a clang and raised his hands. Then the door opened. A bruised and battered Ty emerged, holding his wrist. He seemed surprised to see George standing directly in front of him. "What the..? What the fuck is going on here?" George scrambled to put Ty between himself and Ray, "Oh thank the Gods, Ty it's you! My dear boy, do something. You've got to save me from them!" Ray had to admit, George was doing a remarkable job of hiding behind the much slimmer man. Ty took stock of the situation. The GRRMSguard had been utterly decimated while George was running to save his own skin. "Typical of you Ser, " The word ‘ser’ was laced with vitriol. "Let your lackeys sacrifice themselves at your altar, while you remain unscathed, unsullied, and unaccountable. You'll never learn." Ty distanced himself from George, pushing him away. George was horrified. "Ty, no!" he whined, "You can’t possibly mean to abandon me to these animals! After all I've done for you?" "George, I only came up here to tell you that I quit. I am taking your son with me and getting as far away from you and your poison as I possibly can." "He's got a son?" asked Ray, blinking. "Yes, the boy called Arst4n. He's down in the greenroom now. He is…damaged, but I sense there is still good in him.” George had not been listening about his son, "You're leaving me? I…I don’t believe this…" At that, he laid down on the floor of the stage and curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth. His captain's hat fell off, revealing a bare wrinkled scalp. "What happened to Parris?" Ray asked Ty.

- 146 -

The shorter man eyed Ty like a cat eyes a mouse." he said. we're straight. we got who we came for. "One more thing before I go. "Leave them Joey. Tried to murder Arst4n when he was only a baby." Ty sensed that he'd worn out his welcome. He clearly didn’t understand the implications of the gift Ty had just given them. It was now just the two brothers and George. Ty gave Ray a wry smile then stepped through the door. taking out a scrap of paper and handing it to Ray. "You cheeky bastard. "What will you do with him?" "The way I see it. then shrugged. Joey looked confused for a moment. "So." Ray heard footsteps and turned to see that Pesci had joined them. Very fucking soon. Ray?" Joey gestured to the captive GRRMsguard behind them. he owes us all two things: an apology and a book."Bitch tried to stab me. She ran off after I…after Arst4n nearly killed her. began to sob." Ty looked down at his former boss with pity. what are we supposed to with all these fuckin' mooks." he said with a mixture of surprise and amusement.147 - . too." . and soon. shutting it firmly behind him." Ray looked down at the paper and then back up at Ty. but George most certainly did. "This should help make him more…compliant. but Ray wasn't about to tell him that. "Nah. Ty was just leaving. "What? What's it say?" "It's his middle names. "We got a fuckin' problem here little brother?" Joey's face paint had smeared and he looked a little ridiculous." George looked up at Ray from the floor and. His true middle names. utterly crestfallen. We're going to make sure he pays those debts.

he would not have ended up in this pathetic position. he hurriedly wiped the trash off the couch with the back of his free hand. his mp3-player was still playing old eighties heavy metal tunes. “Damn you. If only she had stayed at home this weekend. a tumbled pyramid of coke boxes.” she called again. Not. but his voice was weak. “In the couch.EPILOGUE (submitted by Slynt) Scorpiknox heard her footsteps approaching. honey. “Haven’t done the dishes. buried in dust. I’ve been so busy. her voice rising with frustration and surprise. I’m home.” Scorpiknox said apologetically. his hairy legs resting on the table. “You haven’t studied at all. He heard her throw her keys on the floor. Her eyes widened as she took in the mess around him. “Honey.” Scorpiknox replied. The pitch of her voice rose. He heard her snort. They skidded into view.” she called from the hallway. the one chapter to rule them all. he hadn’t uttered a word since Friday. the fingers of his other hand still feverishly typing. a warm footbath awaiting her in the living room. Am.” he heard again. “My feet are aching.” he said hurriedly. dear.” he managed weakly. I said I’m home. empty pizza boxes. could see her face reddening before his mind’s eye.” he tried. followed by the rattling of keys.” he called back. ready to take her suitcase up to the bed chamber and unpack it. “Where are you?” Normally. and himself in the couch in his grease-stained boxer shorts. honey. “You haven’t taken a shower?” He heard spittle fly. must finish some work. all his concentration bent on writing the longest chapter of A Feast for Trolls. Instead. “Have you made popcorn?” she asked as he heard her take off her boots all by herself. the house bright with the light of a thousand candles. His Fender Stratocaster was on the floor beneath the table. Scorpi. Fifty-three hours listening while focused on his story had made his head ache. but he had sunk so deep over the last two days. George. . Must.. Finish. shaking her head mournfully. have you. “Honey.” “Be there in a sec. Better be honest.148 - . but he had taken it off a few hours ago. He heard her suitcase thump on the floor. my dear. But not this time. “I-I can explain.. “what do I smell?” He swallowed a lump in his throat. “Guess you’re smelling my socks. Scorpiknox would have been standing attention. his feet in an overfull ashtray. I. nestled deep among the litter of take away food he’d been consuming over the weekend. “Been working so hard. honey. Next to him.” she sighed. struggling to get himself out of the couch. but she interrupted him as she loomed in the doorway. He was still on the couch. crumpled papers where he had scribbled down his notes and ideas. her anger building up. He tried to will his body into rising from the couch. Here it comes. The look she gave him was not comforting.

He loved her so much when she looked this vulnerable. you even had a goddamn band back then. “Honey. I’m gonna get a job. “Really. “I have been studying. beaming with newfound motivation. just like George. “I’ve got a bit of a headache. I saw a rock’n’roll star. Scorpi. it would be for real.” Scorpiknox said. your guitar. Come give me a kiss. There was something about Scorpiknox that kept making her come back into his arms. I’ve been procrastinating too long with my studies. let alone studying so we can get out of this dump. just like you say. I have already hit the Submit button. Your long hair. or get anywhere with your music. Poor bastards without a life. It was a suggestion for a sequel to A Feast for Trolls… Read more: http://iswintercoming. “Studying?” she snarled.. everything’s gonna be allright. She maneuvered her way across the floor and snatched the papers out of his hand. “Not the mullet!” Behind them. “This is for that stupid website. isn’t it!” “They all like what I write.” Scorpiknox said. They are just … online.proboards. slouching away your life in front of the computer instead of hanging out with me. You know. “They are not your friends.cgi?board=ftbg&action=display&thread=17#ixzz 1C2f38xuG . “Do you think I care about that?” she snapped. when I met you. giving them a cursory glance. When are you going to get a real job?” “Listen. ok? I’ll study every day from now on.” This time. he whispered softly into her ear.” “Really?” she said.149 - . his mullet nodding in agreement. I’ll clean up tomorrow. He could feel his heartbeat rising in perfect harmony with another body part.. I just had to get this story done. Haha. “You are just another nerd.” She couldn’t resist him then. As they embraced.” Scorpiknox said. And now?” She ripped the papers apart. you see?” He waved a bunch of papers at her. honey. It’s about time I straighten up. “First thing I’m gonna do is get a haircut. It was the mullet. She gasped. looking him in the eyes.” he said. like you.“That’s the thing. the laptop’s screen flickered as he received a new message.

R.150 - .A Dance With Detractors A DANCE WITH DETRACTORS by THE BRAVE R. COMPANIONS COVER ART (submitted by graff) .

Emilia saw the puffy eyes where Tamzin had been crying. and whispering the words "Wild Cards" in my ear.PROLOGUE (kehnrrnonymous) Sunset was beginning to creep over the empty park.. "Why here?" "So that the gods can see. Em ." Tamzin's eyes . he's barracked in the States.. stinking of gin. If anything. I really mean that. in leather boots and hunting clothes at all . I know you were the best choice. you've always been the best actress of us all and you deserve this break.. It's just. tell me. but the..always so vibrant and alive . Em. slicked with his own sweat." Emilia ducked underneath some underbrush into the clearing where her friend waited. Something was very wrong. "Oh. Emilia Clarke walked through a copse of trees. In the woods by the swings." Emilia haltingly admitted. Emilia had never known her Tam to turn down a nude scene... but . he made me read aloud from some drivel called The Skin Trade while I wore nothing but. "Tam.were downcast and pale." Tamzin's voice was breaking. Tam.. For once she was dressed simply. Em! You know I've never had a problem with getting my kit off. and seeing Tam in conservative clothes . idling on the swing. the author. and won't for another few months. clasping her hands in greeting. "So.. I only wanted one time to -" "No. . She just stared." Tamzin Merchant hopped off the swing set and bounded over to Emilia. He made me pose atop a stack of calendars from's not that at all." Tamzin repressed a sob "his sailor cap!" Emilia's cherubic face went pale as she bit her lip. Emilia and Tamzin had been friends for a long time. I do have some standards" "I haven't met him yet. I never meant to cause you any pain. "E Must see you. Tam's simpering giggle and tendency to walk around in the nude had stolen away enough boyfriends and would-be suitors to make all her friends the jealous ones. Em. Tamzin had never been the jealous type.. gods! I never meant to cause you any it really true? You were cast as the new Danerys?" "I was. frowning again at her friend's cryptic text message. "Oh stow it. Tam. Em . Still.." "He's a monster. Meet me at Regents Park. Surely he can't be that bad. Oh.. preparing for some gig in Australia called WorldCon. I couldn't be happier for you. And the worst of all.was an unusual sight. The nude scenes he wanted me to do.. things he wanted me to do! He was next to me.151 - . When she drew back the hood of her brown cloak..

please. Em." Emilia was mortified and burst into tears herself. Em!" Tamzin was in tears. my dear sweet Em.152 - . that reminds me."Oh. Tam cracked a mirthless smile. well you know how I feel about clothing. and her face blanched with horror as she digested her friend's warnings. Do promise me. Be careful. Promise me you'll be careful." Tamzin's glance went to her frock where Em had been sick. "Don't worry. "Whatever you do... sweetling. She gave a start and. if they offer you a serving: do not try the chili con queso. sobbing. with a violent shudder. "Oh. whatever else you do. vomited on Tamzin's dark brown cloak. Cold hard realization dawned on Emilia. But. they're just clothes and. "I shall wear that as a badge of honor. relieved that color was returning to the poor girl's cheeks. Perhaps you'll have the courage to do what I couldn't. "I fear for you. It's you I'm worried about." Impulsively she threw her arms around Emilia." . Tam! I'm so sorry!" Tamzin looked down at Emilia.

and the bulge in her front pocket grew more noticeable with every paycheck. She had lost some weight. liking what she saw. he'd grown offended and railed for an hour. but the last two months had shown Parris that the past is not so different from the present after all. He'd asked for some coke and she'd obliged. She . Mormons reminded her of her first husband. she'd been unable to get anyone at the bank to listen to her. all the while sleeping on friendly couch after friendly couch. This truck was more than big enough to accommodate all the gear. with only the clothes on her back. The network of ley lines that crisscrossed his face were like runes. At the end. he had tried to convince her that allowing him to take a second wife would be good for their relationship. It had been a lesson she had thought to never have to learn again. Milo landed her a gig as a roadie for Nickleback. but he'd had a nice ass for a skinny metal head. "Not much now sugar." Parris leaned against the back of the box-truck and lit a cigarette. telling the story of all his hard years in a language only discernable to the initiated. Pride takes a back seat to an empty belly when the next meal may never come. the tour schedule could not have worked out any better for her. against the evils of homosexuality and lesbianism. I do believe that was the last of the heavy stuff. Her black Nickleback tshirt and tight grey jeans were a drastic change from the old oversized tie-dye dresses she'd become so accustomed to. Parris grit her teeth and heaved another speaker into the truck.153 - . Parris was all too aware that wealth was only unimportant to those who had it. 'Fact. He was just a kid back then. She had the money to make it back to Santa Fe on her own. They both knew Milo was too good for this gig. She'd known Milo for years. and any idiot with a set of thumbs could make it all fit just fine. red-faced and blustering. After sliding the speaker towards the back of the truck. somehow fitting the heavy speaker in among the tangle of rigging and stage gear. She took solace in knowing that this was the last city before Santa Fe. Just the mic stands and instruments now. Her access to George's money had been cut-off. thick arms straining to get the bottom of the cabinet over the lip of the metal bed. Milo took over. Parris scoffed in response. When Parris asked about threesomes. Long black hair was pulled back in a pony tail for utility. she'd been left to fend for herself. "Break time already?" Milo joked. Broke. had had it for quite some time in fact. after what had seemed like an age but was really only a few weeks. Milo was not as old as he looked and not as young as he dressed. There was only one more city after Santa Fe. Approaching middle age. exposing cheeks rife with grey stubble. In that respect. Orson. Parris fucking hated Salt Lake City. Years of smoking seemed to be catching up with her at long last. and the few rumors she'd heard about George's fate had quickly lead her to the realization that she would have to get back to Santa Fe on her own. She glanced down at herself as she smoked. she had called in a few favors from some very old friends and done a few favors for some very new ones. the last night she'd have to work herself to near exhaustion. Still did as a matter of fact. and that was Salt Lake City. meeting in 1987 while backstage at a Man-o-War concert in Newark.Parris (scorpiknox) Her lungs were on fire. Arriving penniless was not an option. "How much left?" he asked her. Finally. but she needed to arrive home prepared for any contingency. Milo would just as soon let the two younger roadies finish up with the small stuff. but it paid pretty well and money is money. After Chicago.

"I know pretty much everyone in this business. I get it. even before that final night. Shaking herself from her brief reverie." Milo paused. a chill ran through her.154 - . . You do a good job and I could get you more money next time. well shit. so you're going. No stopping you." Milo said it and Parris knew it was true. saying nothing. life on the road ain't so bad. Milo gave a grunt and eased himself onto the bed of the truck. It was getting colder. The farther away she stayed from that crazy bastard and his kind the better. Parris nodded. his legs dangling over the edge. "You could stay on you know. leaving the magic underwear he had bought for her on his dresser. she couldn’t bear to tell anyone just how bad things had gotten. "OK. She now realized that it had taken that very freedom to open her eyes to the truth: Parris had been a prisoner in a cage of her own design for over a decade. He spoke again in an even tone. The truth was. careful to plan out what he was to say next. "Revenge. what's in Santa Fe? What could possibly be worth setting yourself up for…for a repeat of whatever it was that happened to you in Chicago?" Parris looked at him and her eyes went cold as she smiled." Parris never told Milo the details about Chicago. and.took off the next day. she looked up and found Milo peering down at her from his perch inside the truck. but she knew he suspected something sinister." Milo wasn't asking. As hard as the last two months had been. "Parris. Parris had at least been free. "You're leaving soon. and now that Parris had stopped working." she said simply.

He was holding the book in his hands." . He moved to the corner of his cell and laid down in a pile of grimy straw. It was as if the tale told itself. The man looked at the prisoner and then at the writing table.. A green and white double slashed velvet sack covered his head. The numbness in that spot was a different kind of irritation. stone? He couldn't see anything. and the typewriter. He was angry. He looked at the print that might have had his name on it but it was too small to read without a very powerful microscope... All there was was the collar. It had been some years since the patchouli smelling woman had brought him a new one. While it was he was a slave to it. Sleep came fast when he closed his eyes. The sound of stone sliding on stone woke him. Your editor wants you to tell the tale of the battle for King's Landing from the point of views of Bort the muck-raker. His editor's name was emblazoned across the cover. It wasn't any sort of comfort at all. A winged unicorn glowed to life on the man's shirt.. and then the burning. you'll not get off so easy. unable to decide if he hated it or loved it. He felt himself being dragged down a long stairway.. He set the page on top of the pile and stood up and stretched. Soon the glow of a torch illuminated the gap between the floor and the door to his cell.. The only part of his neck that wasn't irritated was the burn scar from where the collar had been welded shut. The man who entered the cell turned on a portable black light. Tod the baker's apprentice's friend's brother... The man looked at the filthy red and blue double slashed velvet doublet he was wearing.155 - . "Yes. He'd worn that collar for over fifteen years. He'd sent off the manuscript for the first book of an epic series of four books to his editor. As he got out of his car two men grabbed him and everything went black. He felt cold iron slap around his neck. He'd churned out thousands and thousands of pages on it. He was happy." The prisoner looked up at the glowing winged unicorn. "That's quite a pile. It is finished. it still allowed him to get what was in his head out. He stared at the typewriter. He sighed and slid a sheet of paper into the typewriter and typed out the title page for the massive manuscript he'd just finished.. will you kill me now?" The man in the winged unicorn shirt shook his head. Wil. He heard keys turning in the lock. He screamed. It did nothing to relieve the hunger pangs and it only worsened the pangs of despair. He drove to his editor's residence in Santa Fe. He sighed and let go of the collar. He could barely remember his name. It chaffed. "You'd like that wouldn't you? However. He dreamed of the time before his captivity. I take it you are finished? You'd better be if you're just lounging about. Please.. There was a moldy bread crumb stuck in the cuff. He had felt divinely inspired the whole time he was writing it. A man walked in. let alone the last time he had seen the Sun. The door opened.Frank (jaquelecaque) The man worked his fingers under the iron collar around his neck. His dream fast forwarded to the day it was published. He could hear footsteps on the stone stairs. He ate it.

Martin". "Oh. Wil." The man in the winged unicorn shirt took the top page off the stack on the table and looked at it. "Not that Wil."But I already did Wil!" The prisoner protested. .S.156 - .. The prisoner could only stare helplessly as the flames engulfed the words "A Dream Of Spring by Frank S. I suggest you get started. This will never do. Michel. Ser Fredrik's squire's cousin and one POV from Tommen's whipping boy. the farmhand that worked on the farm that Zombie Caitlyn's group traveled by. Also the point of views of Ted the beggar.. Are you trying to get your brother to come down here to personally beat you?" The man in the winged unicorn shirt put the corner of the page to his torch and threw the page down in front of the prisoner.

The Captain looked at his tanned. The Captain sighed. weather-beaten face and still couldn’t believe how old he looked.157 - . He found the fat bastard sitting at his desk scribbling quickly and with much agitation. but your inability to withstand a fucking paper cut shows me you will never last in our order. Robert Merrill. An hour later the Captain was in the locker room discarding his soiled uniform when he caught sight of his locker mirror. The Captain’s recollection was interrupted as he arrived at his final and most loathed delivery. and why the hell hasn’t he opened his mailbox in months? The Captain made the grueling trek up the dirt path that led to the gates of his final delivery. There was also a large tower jutting out near the rear of the home.The Captain of the Post Office (mordan) The Captain walked through the sweltering streets of Santa Fe in high summer. The Captain turned around and went into Merrill’s office. a young college drop-out that had sworn to serve the United States Postal Service wherever he was needed. His square jaw always had stubble and his eyes were plagued with crow’s feet and a haunted look that had seen too many letters bearing wrong addresses and too many unkempt yards. Longer now that the Post Office had to make cuts due to budget constraints. What kind of pompous asshole builds his house on top of a hill? The Captain thought. The thought of Merrill filled the Captain with rage. The Captain remembered when he had first arrived in Santa Fe from San Diego almost a decade earlier. I hope the thing falls over and kills everybody inside.” The next day the Captain arrived in Santa Fe. As he fell to the floor the bearded trainer growled at him in disgust. delivered the stack of letters to the address and trudged back down the hill. The Captain . will stay me from the swift completion of my appointed rounds. one of those SCA types that demanded to be called “Lord Merrill”. “We all must shed our blood for the United States Postal Service. He frowned. The Captain harrumphed and opened the castle mailbox. ”CAP-EEE-TAN! Get in here pleeease!” Ah. The Captain’s postal route was long. It was a cross between a Victorian home and a medieval fortress. The Captain whimpered as he received the cut on his upheld hand and was given a back-handed slap for doing so.” Simple vows for a simple man. and found it empty. careers. a home with stained glass windows but with iron bars guarding those windows. seemed to think the Captain should be thrilled to be out an extra three hours perspiring in the armpit of America. As he finally reached the mailbox shaped like a castle he again looked at the strange home. nor gloom of night. A bearded trainer then stepped forward to give the Captain the mark of all postmen: a horizontal paper cut using an envelope. nor snow. and the Captain’s supervisor. He peered up at the tall hill and the haughty house atop of it. So you will be sent where people. leaning perilously towards the left. “The devil truly uses Santa Fe as his sauna” he grumbled. After that he did not speak again for hours. nor heat. delivering another piece of worthless correspondence. Rich assholes. hatred for the house and whoever lived there growing with each step. closed his locker. and was departing for the comfort of a Mickey’s forty when the high pitched voice of Merrill shrilled into the air. The Captain stood naked before the bearded postal trainers with his right hand up and recited the vows that had ruined his life: “Neither sleet. He wasn’t even thirty yet he looked as if he was pushing forty. He recalled the night he had sworn his vows in San Diego Post Office # 92108. and dreams go to die. nor rain. “God I fucking hate this job”. and he crumbled up a fragile letter he had been carrying before throwing it a yapping dog as he passed by a fenced yard. fuck me.

You want me to take this package to Chicago and to LOOK for this person?” Lord Merrill eyes again widened. he thought and peered at his letter. his voice getting even higher. I’m going to burn this fucking building down one day.” How is this insane person my supervisor? “What can I do for you?” You fat piece of shit. “THIS IS NOT A TRIVIAL TASK CAPTAIN! The fate of things beyond your stoner-laidback-California-comprehension lies in the balance! Now go! You are to leave at first light!” The Captain found himself walking towards his car. “I’m sorry. “My good Captain.” The Captain gaped at Lord Merrill and rubbed his temples. Lord Merrill sat back in his chair and took a breath to calm down. so you must begin your quest there. “How many times must I tell you?! Didn’t I dub you my Captain? Do I call YOU Kenny McWilliams or don’t I give you YOUR honorific???” Merrill had turned quite red by the end of his rant so the Captain acquiesced. his fat chipmunk cheeks and curly short black hair giving him the look of a spoiled child-king sired by a toad. giving him the very human look of dramatic squirrel. He then smiled graciously and began to finger the necklace of stamps he wore. Inside this parcel is information so valuable that I need you to personally deliver it to its owner. this is a package of such importance that I can only entrust it to you. “Chicago. “LORD MERRILL!!!” Merrill shrieked. Lord Merrill continued. Lord Merrill.coughed quietly.158 - . er. “You called Robert?” Merrill looked up from his letter his eyes wide and bulging.” The chubby bastard began to seal the letter he had been writing with candle wax. and who the fuck is Neil Gaiman? . His last whereabouts were in Chicago. “The only problem is I don’t know exactly where the person who needs this letter is. the Captain recalled. Stamps from every land he has ever delivered in.

not like those airbrushed stick figures you get nowadays. and thighs so toned. Lead on" He stood up from his chair. "Say. Liotta warned him about Pesci's hair-trigger temper and propensity for violence.. you could crack a coconut between them." he snarled. George opened the vault's door and Pesci looked inside. Horrid pizza and even worse luck in that toddling town. fat man. George still hated having him around.. if you're interested. Pesci was an insufferable. George read it intently. Supervising. I've got almost every issue. gods. He hated the Bran chapters worst of all. He raised his head to yell for Ty. Mutual happiness wasn't part of the arrangement at Chicago. right? Have you ever seen Ursula Andress naked? I'm telling you... At least they're stuck with only one NFL team. George looked away with a crestfallen sigh and Pesci resumed his intense study of the Miss January centerfold.. He stole a glance back at Pesci. E-mail.GEORGE (kehnrrnonymous) George hunched over his typewriter. Natural breasts. laboring over the same Bran chapter that he'd rewritten five times over the last week. . Pesci. With visible strain. Damn it all. "Seen 'em all. Chicago.. All that time spent slogging through that whiny one-legged brat's chapters. He glanced at his watch and pretended to write some more. Those pages better not be sticky though. blogging. Pesci followed him in.159 - ." Pesci blithely grunted. He remembered that smug smirk on Liotta's face and he felt his blood start to boil like melted Velveeta in a cast-iron saucepan. who had moved on to Miss February while idly puffing his way through a box of Parris' Pall-Malls. Chicago. foul-mouthed blowhard. but at least he never claimed to read Playboy for the articles. Pesci pretty clearly hated being there." Pesci was impressed in spite of himself. and his voice caught in his throat. That thought rankled him. even walking.. Pesci was to supervise him until he finished A Dance With Dragons. And damn it all if the feeling wasn't mutual. include the collector's editions from the sixties.. Mr. like pretty much every man in America. He was the American Tolkien.. Mood: ho. Pesci looked up from his Playboy magazine "Keep writing. she looks as hot as anything I've ever seen. George counted it as a small victory that Pesci hadn't truly gotten angry in the three weeks he'd been here supervising. George feebly lifted himself from his desk and waddled over to an enclosed. George gathered himself and tried to remember how to look at e-mails. buttoning his pants. His rotund shoulders slumped even lower as he exhaled with obvious resignation.. Neither was Parris. There was a certain refreshing honesty to that. Ty wasn't walking through that door.. "Well. You remember the first Bond film. And curves where they should be. vaulted room in the corner of his library tower." he interjected "I think we can take a break for that. and Pesci was a two-bit hood from Chicago who used profanity as a catchall replacement for his stunted vocabulary. A flashing message appeared on his screen.. why didn't I just have Jaime behead that simpering little cripple fifteen years ago. He squinted and gingerly pressed the button that said "Open" There it was. that's for damn sure. I have a stack of Playboys from the seventies. fat man.. And told me nothing that the Wertheads didn't already know." "And that's just the start. when I could've been eating. Ty had told him enough times and he'd half-heartedly listened enough times that.

"Wait til you get to Number Six. locking him inside the vault. There was a small barred opening at eye level and Pesci's spittle flecked through it as he glared at George and the Wertheads.. was every single Playboy issue that George had been collecting since he was a teen.. he made a beeline for the Collector's Edition showcase and he did not see George reach underneath a dusty tapestry and push a button. And pointed it toward the vault.There. Entranced. Men call me often." he wheezed good-naturedly. the tall platinum blonde. Open this door right now or. On the screen. where he only had eyes for the auditioning Shaes. Pesci swore and started to charge towards the Wertheads BANG! The lead Werthead fired and above the doorway a panel burst open. George silently opened another door that lead to a vestibule where three identical men were waiting for him. a solid steel door came crashing down in front of Pesci. Mr." Pesci looked up. One of the Wertheads picked up Pesci's Glock and smirked. half crept across the library tower. a gorgeous. "You fucking limeys." George stole a furtive glance at Pesci. Pesci. "Seeing as how I just destroyed the failsafe mechanism. of course" George half-waddled.. George waddled over to a DVD player." Pesci wasn't looking at him and had settled down onto a couch. reflexively reaching for his Glock 9mm which was in his coat. "Of course. Back to writing. A bead of saliva trickled from his open mouth. you fat bastard... who was appraising her with a sharklike grin. Break time over." "Don't wanna hear it. we're really running late. which he'd left by the writing desk. One of the men raised a gun. and looked back. turning on a TV. . inside. half-naked strawberry blonde was kneeling before a bluescreen. moaning "Women call me Shae. "You might like this as well". Pesci stood there in the middle of the room. "Hello. That one made me wanna take a cold sho.." the lead Werthead chuckled. "Wow. He nodded at them and gestured silently across the room to the vault where Pesci was busy watching the Shae auditions. Pesci was still ogling the auditioning girls. "Fucking Wertheads! I'll kill you again!" He sprang up. Have you been holding out on me?" George grinned merrily "Oh you've found me out.. We could get a blowtorch to let you out but.160 - . his eyes rapt." "I'm afraid that's an impossibility.. With a loud CLANG." "Where the fuck are you going?" Pesci was furiously and helplessly banging on the steel door.

" he wheezed. take the whole pantry along.161 - . "Leave the Wert. Amazon. The American Tolkien can't be expected to make a road trip subsisting on nothing but rabbit food. Ms. so while we'd love to stay and chat. take the cannoli. As they were about to walk out the door. is the car ready?" "Yes." Werthead smiled sadly at Pesci. George had a beatific smile on his face as he waddled towards his Hover-Round "And the bacon cream pies. And the chunky chocolate chicken crunches. George looked at him oddly. he turned to the amazon. And the butter-glazed triple fudge malts. DribbleofInk." . "We'll be sure to send Shawn Speakman your regards." Wert did as he was told. Snodgrass doesn't like to be kept" The Amazon. It's a twenty minute drive to Snodgrass' place and she's on that vegan kick again. Amazon. Pesci's voice was cold and poisonous." George tittered at that. Mr. Oh bloody hells. "Fuck all of you. Martin has a previous engagement at the Clarion West workshop and we've also got to take Melinda Snodgrass. "And the chili releno" The Wert complied." George and the three Wertheads turned away to leave. "I've always wanted to say

The weather was cooler. The thought of Merrill's soprano voice screaming disdain filled Kenny with an anxious nausea.162 - . Are you him?" The figure said nothing. and the figure gave a cackling laugh after a . Kenny had scoured Chicago for three days and had only learned that Neil Gaiman was last seen arriving for C2E2. With a drunken stumble he grabbed the letter. "Ah fucke. does that help?" As way of answer the comic book clerk pointedly ignored Kenny as he continued to text.C and the glow of the small fridge giving the shitty room an air of familiarity. well I just need a signature here and I will be on my way. "Er. I was told to bring it to Neil Gaiman. lanky and likely being tailed by an entourage of other geeks. It was very dark and the world was quiet. and the food didn't always come with a side of beans and rice. Fucking Merrill. he muttered. and video game retailers. Kenny sighed." Kenny exited his damaged rental car and surveyed the dark streets. The room was dimly lit and a shadowy figure sat across from him. "This is from Robert Merrill from Santa Fe. and reached into his pocket.!!!" The last word dissolved as Kenny slid into darkness once more. thinking about the people he was now forced to deal with. they would probably get laid. It had been much the same from the other nerd watering holes. "Where are you?!" The echo of his shout hadn't even faded when a cloth sack was drawn over his head. As Kenny was leaving the Atomic Comics store he was stopped by a passing pedestrian. "I know who you're looking for.. He withdrew the cursed letter that caused all this and an electronic signature pad and spoke to the figure. "Hah! The cost of doing business Merrill. The letter was forcibly opened. the soothing hum of the A. and rushed out the door. yet had not appeared during the convention as planned and since then had been missing. "God dammit". I swear that bloated toad is going to pay for this. If these fucking nerds quit living in a fantasy world of lords and pseudo-intrigue. too bad that chubby bastard is as cheap and greedy as he is fat and worthless." Before Kenny could even respond with a "What the fuck" the unremarkable youth melted into the press of people walking into the crowded streets of downtown Chicago. I'll get no help here. Despite his pointless search Kenny had found much to enjoy in Chicago. if you wish to see him. Kenny's funds were rapidly evaporating. Kenny shook his head and returned to his motel room. Midnight was hours away. Kenny awoke with a start. Kenny shook his head which was fuzzier than usual. the people friendlier. internet cafes. If Merrill had given me enough money I would milk this trip for all it's worth.. Kenny unlocked his room and went inside. Have you seen anyone like that?" The Gothic comic book salesman gave Kenny a contemptuous snort as a reply and didn't look up from his cell phone. "Nerd!" He yelled out." The figure reached out across the desk and grabbed the letter. so Kenny watched the sun set as his thoughts waned with the consumption of the green hornet.Kenny (mordan) "I'm looking for a nerd who is about five-foot nine. But I guess if they got laid they wouldn't have any need for this shit. He took a refreshing pull of the blissful liquid and sat on a chair facing the only window. "His name is Neil Gaiman. fortyish. hobby shops. Kenny dropped the empty bottle he had been holding and it clanked against another on the floor. At least it's not as hot and miserable as Santa Fe. and despite his utter hatred for his superior he did not intend to return to Santa Fe having failed his task. meet me here at midnight. "What do you want?" The figure croaked. The cloth sack was drawn from his face and Kenny's eyes blinked in adjustment. As he approached his destination Kenny overshot his curb parking space in front of Atomic Comics and crushed the unfortunate parking meter that stood sentry. Kenny knew he was already late so didn't bother with stop signs and stop lights. Not a thing stirred. his keys. Kenny opened the fridge and pulled out the only thing that made him happy anymore: a Mickey's forty. The slight youth spoke in a hushed tone and with some urgency.

Kenny listened." Kenny leaned over and vomited all the beer he had consumed. Kenny was alone in the dark. with a monotonous voice coming from speakers in the ceiling." he wheezed.away to our reeducation room. "Sergeant. "God help me".. emptying his stomach of all it's contents yet unable to cease retching. the figure hissed.. "Riiight. just in time for Iblis' birthday.. "Prepare your men sergeant.. He spoke in an unusually gentle voice. "Dis place given me jeebies." Kenny was beginning to feel markedly uncomfortable. a lone vestige of life among the dusty bones of death. The droning voice continued." "Of course my Lord.mailman. Kenny gasped as he heaved again. He struggled as he was dragged to a room down the hall from where he sat. "What are we going to do now. please take this. The sergeant lumbered back to the shadowy figure as the blood-curling screams came from the latest prisoner.moment. Well I just need a signature h-" "Silence!"." The figure coughed and hacked." Kenny felt a very powerful hand subdue his arms. You see article 12-" The shadowy figure again cut Kenny off.. "Heh. are going to join us in our crusade to cleanse the world of the detractors who have poisoned our once great host and shamed our Lord.. for we march. Master?" The shadowy figure replied in a hoarse tone." Kenny began to scream..163 - . "You.receptive. "To Shayol Ghul..." Kenny stood up. and another clamp his mouth shut. Some time with Speakman's attempt at literature should make him more. "The rat glared with beady black eyes at the broken man’s approach before scurrying away into the darkness.. postman." .. "Damn you Sanderson. "it looks like our brothers in Santa Fe are good for something more than licking our Master's boots. "I'm not going anywhere without a signature Neil.. Where are we going?" The shadowy figure replied. His jailer pushed open a door and shoved Kenny in before locking it. I mean to Applebee's. Lord Merrill has done well.

he quickly fired up his computer. and turned. and fell down. Stepping back he put all his might behind his girth. T. as he pushed on the door... there's always next year.H. George tripped. Smirking.E! George was about to pat himself on the back. It's not every day that inspiration comes knocking. He'd been trying to think of the perfect word for months. Taking one step in the door. "Damn dust bunny!" Bouncing back to his feet. "What the. He had to type it before he forgot it! George grabbed the doorknob. he notices the convention that he highlighted.. and began to type.! How? Who writes a computer virus for a DOS machine?" Oh well. and post on his blog about how he had his best day of writing in months. steps over the dust bunny. (--Screen fades to black--) .164 - ..GEORGE (silentmajority) He swiftly hurried down the hall towards his secret writing room. and it finally dawned on him. Looking at the calendar. It slowly opened.. when something happened. He reread the sentence that had been giving him so much trouble. and forced it against the door. he thought. but it wouldn't budge. George begins to whistle. and shuts the door..

165 - .” How long had Dwight waited for a new Jon Snow chapter? Ten years. popular kid at school to a disgusting recluse. foul breath. of no interest to Dwight. and gobbled it up. mind warped into one thing and one thing only – checking Martin’s website. Quickly. of course. 2010. knew that they no longer held any excitement for him. the sour sweat of Dwight’s bushy armpits and the pile of icky toilet papers protruding ominously from the plastic bin at the side of Dwight’s computer desk. Somewhere on the carpeted floor of this room. the smell of rotten salad conflating with the fetid smells of old farts unable to escape the room. And keeping an eye on Martin. There was nothing like being part of the social world. There was only one thing to do. as long as they didn’t require too intense graphics. one giant toe having burst through. He found half a dormant hotdog he’d not been able to squeeze down last night during the week’s sixteenth raid on Icecrown Citadel. he woke the computer from hibernation and hit the web browser button. Sometimes Dwight got the feeling the book was more important to him than to the author himself. Martin being in Australia looking at interesting nature and stuff. it returned. chuckling softly at the speed with which the page opened. To Dwight’s mind. his great hairy belly going up and down with his steady. the only real sport was raiding in World of Warcraft. his eyes wandering across his desk searching for something to bite on. In that time. saw that everything was as it should be. . he had been aroused. Dwight suspected it was somehow connected to that thing they called “sports”. The battle lasted for an hour. It had been months since last Martin had revealed any details about the forthcoming book. as it turned out. a dust-shrouded Dell Dimension 8300. that when he clicked the “Not A Blog” – link. This was the same revision he’d been staring at for the last two weeks.” There was no elation. The feeling of going online made his crotch tingle.SOILED DWIGHT (Slynt) The room was full of garbage. Months. He gazed across the countless porn magazines scattered across the floor. Martin writing about something called “NFL”. New material in: Cover Art. The updates were. tickling Dwight. Upon that desk stood Dwight’s love of his life. He had spent the last of his inheritance on upgrading his broadband connection to insanity. that he would see those magical words: “It is done. A bed was hidden somewhere beneath an avalanche of discarded McDonalds-boxes. he had gone from being a bright. as it was every morning. and he could not. aging yet powerful enough to allow him to play fairly recent games. he scanned the front page. He hit the “Not a Blog” link. would not attempt to return to normal life until that damn book was announced as finished. Waiting for A Dance with Dragons was no longer a quick check before going to school – it was his life now. A fly was wandering the uneven surface of that toe. The ultimate hope was. Groggily he looked around.R. He needed something fresh. he tapped the address of George R. and rise into a sitting position. finally Dwight managed to tear open his red eyes. Dwight was comatose. His heart beat faster as he saw that the almighty author had updated his blog. but now it was old. Quickly. “Site Revised: September 17. The first few times he perused the new cover art. Every time he wriggled his toe to make it go away. Settling into his chair. He was wearing a white-turnedyellow boxer shorts – his favorite. with Homer Simpson proclaiming the importance of beer on it – and his well-worn pair of tennis socks. Martin’s website into the address field.

The perfect crust. in his hands two tickets.Sighing. his right hand crept towards the curled-up.166 - .” Dwight cursed. man. “You so need to come with me. Tell him what you feel.” . “Dwight! You won’t believe it! We are going to a con to meet George!” “Shut it. clapping his friend on his shoulder. he saw Bobby Joe standing outside. growing harder and stronger like a Greyjoy in his prime.” Bobby Joe said. he opened Martin’s “Ice & Fire sample chapter”. This is our year. The kind of pizza George loved. Bobby Joe. Opening. He felt his general rising to attention. “Fuck yeah. Maybe there was hope after all.” Dwight sighed. He needed… There was a sharp knock on the door. And then only to grab a few new boobzines down on the corner. his penis sagged back into quiescence. his crooked teeth warping his smile.” he said. dude! That’s where they be making the TV show! You need to meet Martin in person.” “Ireland?” Dwight’s face lit up. I want him to be at home writing. He had read Tyrion drinking his way across the Narrow Sea a thousand times. huh. We are going to fucking Ireland. And Coke and a burger. “there will be chains and balls!” “Allright. I don’t want to meet him at a con. sliding on a discarded pizza slice. “Bout time you and me did something fun together again. He pulled back on his Homer boxer and went to open the door. So you can tell him. a determination in his voice that surprised him. How long since he had been outside the room? Weeks. Dwight. shrunken and shriveled excuse for a penis. you know he needs vacations like any other normal person! Open the door. He needed to unload.” “Dwight. A few minutes later. Hope for him. “Damn it. He began rubbing it. He needed something that could awaken his general. We ain’t played no D&D for years. Slowly. This is our year. but it was all he had. sensing it rising.

lifesize silicone sex dolls of Arianne Martell and Lady Merryweather." George couldn't even say the name of the forum in his head it enraged him so much. His breath came and went in wheezy gasps. which he knew was no small feat. His tantrum raged on. but George had lost his appetite he was so enraged. He was in the upper chamber. rolled up silk tapestries. saw their mocking words dance before his eyes. They had their blogs. being held captive by those greaseballs was a humiliation he could never forget. and the ones who dared call themselves The Brave Companions.. the same with the debacle in Chicago. that one goddamn forum. Five minutes passed before George was calm enough to come back down. George waddled about his library. brown nipples. a monument to his wealth and all things GRRM. which he'd had Ty hide away in the secret dungeons beneath the tower. The weight of gravity on his gorged. Finally he had to ship her off to a custom car painting company to get them just right. in my own sanctum. To the casual observer. Everyone knew. and how do they repay me? Mockery! Nonstop impudence and trolling! George wasn't even aware of his proclivity for tweaked nipples (as well as untweaked nipples and nipples on breastplates) until it was so crudely brought to his attention once Feast was delivered to his voracious readers.. now.. his mind raging. distended body was unrelenting as the lifts disengaged. so very perfect. and thousands and thousands of worthless miniatures. That one forum. Yet even here. but these events were nothing but symptoms of the disease.. I gave those ungrateful whelps the best girl-on-girl action since the lesbian sex scene in Mulholland Drive... cursing under his white beard. the structure was vast. It was about time to call in an airdrop of KFC Doubledowns and freeze-dried ice cream sandwiches.GEORGE (Geshtar) The day was grey and bitter cold.. them. He gritted his teeth as he remembered the custom Real Dolls. with his collection of toy knights and tomes of 19th century Indian rape narratives. their nonstop criticisms. Arianne alone had to be sent back to the manufacturer twice—her nipples were not the right hue of brown. Suddenly he was screaming. Every time he tweaked one of those succulent. but there was a place where they all got together to talk their shit and post their filthy and cruel fan fic--violating George's greatest papal bull "Thou shalt not write fan fiction of GRRM material. but the assholes ruined her.. . She had been so perfect. he heard their laughter. and those goddamn detractors would not leave well enough alone. leaning against a wrought iron railing. The disease that was. degenerating into flying spittle and incoherent curses. the gall of those motherfucking nobodies!” The outburst caused his anti-grav body lifts to malfunction. their hate sites. Even Parris looked at him funny and would giggle into her hand any time it came up. The rotund man paused for a breather. How he hated them! Of course. those bastards mock what I've done! George thought. thanks to those heartless pricks. returning him to normal physics. and soon he was hovering over bookshelves. More of a house addition or wing than a humble tower. “How dare those cocksuckers question me! The sheer nerve. the scene was not unlike Ghostbusters 2 when the fat Scoleri brother spasmodically terrorized the courtroom.167 - . The vile detractors. all thrashing cankles and floating gluttonous arms.

they behaved how readers and fans should behave: never questioning.168 - ..” “Nice pair of tits at 6:20.” George hacked out in a wheezy cackle.. The large author squeezed through the extra wide entrance.. George rarely got the question at conventions and signings. Oh. They were out there. You must not show the slightest pity or mercy. George. that was so much fun—watching episode after episode and alerting fellow viewers to well punctuated. to not feed the trolls. ever since Feast hit the scene and people started saying it was boring.” Rabban.. George's new favorite pastime. especially as George wasn't getting a royalty. So did the other lickspittles and circus freaks who made up his entire fan base. which character in ASOIAF do you identify with most? He was sure many thought it was Ned. and seldom visited.. almost spinning as he bobbed about in the air. The room was dark and without natural light. lacked all traces of editorial detail or proper narrative construction. nipply tits. George had to give them one thing—his brownnosing defenders were total douches. always out there. He could no longer gaze upon their silicone loveliness once the Companions had ruined them. Obnoxious and awkward as they were. he had to know what those who wouldn't be mindless sycophants were saying about him. Never stop! . I place you in charge of foiling my enemies. Arianne and Lady Merryweather. While this room held a somewhat modern computer (a Dell circa 2004). George pulled a false book on a shelf and a mahogany paneled wall slid aside to reveal a secret chamber... George thought. I want you to squeeze and squeeze and squeeze. and when he did his answer was always cryptic.. Then there was Speakboy. Rabban. weight thing. George had been meddling behind the scenes with his detractors for years. some had even made fucking T-shirts. and the dingus who called himself his “hand. Warthead.. that was on the far end of the mansion. That was going too far. Were these really grown men? George didn't care to know..Parris told him to ignore them. always sucking ass. Here his beloved pair of Pygmalion's statues once stood. George sighed as he looked sadly at two well-lit recesses in the wall. moderate them into oblivion as he did on his NAB. and just plain blew. He thought back to 2005 when he sent his first agent. Today was not going to be spent researching Star Trek TNG episodes and registering multiple youtube accounts. It burned his ass he couldn't delete their words. and they used it as a rally cry against the detractors. but George had thrown the Brit some dogwork as thanks for his groveling.. their nipples pointing at him longingly. The computer chair was plush and had a stainless steel toilet bowl beneath the seat which would automatically open when sensing the need.. second only to keeping up with the NFL. permitting himself a shit-eating grin. but it had caught on among the loyal. He did everything in his power to think as little about them and avoid their company in any social setting. He was nowhere near George's literary level.. “George Martin is not your bitch” had never been clever or witty or anything other than moronic. He clapped his ham-sized hands together and once again was floating. the one he lovingly called “The Beast Rabban. The truth was Littlefinger. Their criticisms are yours to squeeze. Give me their hate! Drive them to utter hatred.. Brave Companions. But George couldn't. George pounded out keys on a greasy keyboard. the English hack. Today is the day the reckoning begins. There was Gayman. “Two can play at this game of cunning. and begrudgingly he had to concede others thought Robert. “Honkers at 3:05. because of the. as I promised.” Ban. as only you can. Like the little lord Baelish. Hell. this was not his writing room. self indulgent.” No. In their place sat stacks of old Beauty and the Beast teleplay treatments.

and for some reason he had orange hair and oddly resembled early 1980s musician Sting.. the P. He'd stashed some of Ty's blood from the obligatory HIV screening early on in his service. with your knowledge of Dragon Age. lovely Feyd. George's voice was thick with lust and gluttony as he appraised his creation. Star Wars. The fortnightlong steam chamber/cloning incubator had done wonders. Feyd. next to Wild Cards of course. naked save for a futuristic blue loincloth.. “And when we've fucked with these people's minds enough I'll send in you.The unlikely mastermind pressed a button on his Life Alert.. licking his lips. and the last act in his revenge. was now ripped and cut with muscle. and Draenei porn.A.” Suddenly George's face seized and he seemed to lose all train of thought. It was a precaution in case the sniveling bastard ever betrayed him.169 - . they'll cheer you as a rescuer... casting the room in a sheen of humidity and moisture. Ty slowly stepped out. Steam poured out. and a titanium portal whooshed open. “NOW WHERE'S MY AIRDROP OF DOUBLEDOWNS!” . Much improved. Investing in cloning technology was the wisest thing the writer had ever done. really a lovely boy.. George thought.

though his parents always told him he was a slow developer.Bobby (Rex) The air was cold. and still the book was not finished. never having known of the wait most other fans had experienced.. Every thursday he saw himself as the Kingslayer or the Young Wolf. Bobby knew santa didn't wear sailor hats or had chili stains on his shirt. Bobby had become a teenager. because there was always the chance that "A Dance with Dragons" was out. They had a cooker and a sink. Bobby liked that book aswell. four into five.. Bobby knew he wouldn't be able to buy it but he could read it in the shop. He only noticed now that the man was carrying a big sack. Those had been even better than the first but then. urgently running to the shop to see if the latest book by his favourite author was out.170 - . Yes. He's delivering the new book to the shop! A Dance with Dragons is done! . The street was busy and so he had to push past the grown ups who went about their business and he had to wait to cross the road because there were a lot of cars. And so it came that this young boy was walking down the high street. He had been so happy back then. A long time ago. he was horrendously bullied at school. which was why no one ever got too close to him. his parents had had enough money to buy a book. within a year! Bobby had danced with joy only a ten year old posessed. And yet no one would help him. It had said that soon the next book would be out.. A Dance with Dragons could be out. his family far too poor to afford any such luxuries. how shiney and new it seemed. This journey was nothing new to him. no magazines. not even a paper. it was a hard life for little Bobby. and he had been even more happy upon receiving the next two books "A Clash of Kings" and "A Storm of Swords". probably. People told him he stank. and he'd been told many times that he would die alone. Bobby could remember seeing the cover for the very first time. but apart from that the house Bobby lived in was mostly empty.. He had been drifting off into his imagination again when he noticed the big jolly man walking in front of him. A Feast for Crows. But one year had turned into two.. drop off his mouldy school sack and head on down to the shop. There were three older boys who would wait for him after school and then push him to the floor or tie him to the fence or do other bad stuff to him that Bobby didn't quite understand. But there was one person who brought joy into his life and that was George RR Martin. He was stupid too. His was a sad life. No! It's. no internet. two into three. His father had sat down with him and together they started reading the first page and then the second. A Game of Thrones. Within minutes Bobby had gotten the grasp of it and the very next day he didn't need any help reading anymore. as many poor young boys. But none of that mattered on thursdays. or so people said. riding to victorious battle that was the bookstore. Dad rarely brings food to the table. it's.. washing himself in puddles that the rain left behind and eating living things that crawled around under the floor boards. Finally the young boy saw the store in the distance and his face lit up. as well as a wooden box which they used as a toilet. it's George RR Martin! Was this possible? Surely it wasn't him! And yet Bobby was sure that it was his favourite author who was walking down the street just in front of him. He dreamed of all this because... as the young boy swiftly made his way up 34th street. and the message in the back had made hime even more happy. or so it seemed for Bobby. The boy had not been able to read and his parents believed he at least should be able to do that. Santa? No. Every thursday (((after school))) he would quickly go home. Must get to the bookstore on time. three into four. the wind akin to a frozen whip. and to Bobby this could only mean one thing.

and he must have been hurting him there. There's far too much work involved." The man made the word sound like a curse. because the smaller man started to moan." Bobby stayed still. Bobby realized they were kissing. The closer man's enormous back was to him. "I would sooner eat." Bobby looked towards the door. . They were both naked. Bobby stopped silently in his tracks and listened. Bobby could not tell who they were." The storekeep was saying. listening. wide-eyed and frightened. "I think not eating as much as I do does something to your mind. "Stop it. and his flabby body screened the other man from view as he pushed him up against a wall. a grin on his face. . two men were wrestling. suddenly afraid to go into the shop. "Get me something from the bakers. stop it." He said. It was a bitter sound. but Dance is quite another. It wasn't that far away and anyway. "You will have to keep writing over christmas. The fat man had a hand down between the other's legs. Bobby realized. "Feast was one thing." "Gods forbid. There were soft. Finish the damn book. please . Bobby studied the door. He would follow George into the shop and tell him how he was bullied and poor and that he loved his books and that George was his favourite author. "It's not the book I want done. his breath tight in his throat." They were talking about his favourite books. Just a few more inches and I can see who the storekeep is talking to. You are mad." The nasal voiced man said." The storekeep said. It has to work! Bobby started for the shop and it wasn't until he was a few steps away from the door when he heard the voices. Oh. Inside the shop. He wanted to hear more. He slowly moved forward. With wide eyes he watched as George RR Martin entered the shop. He watched. ." "It will be done when it's done. But they would see him if he stepped up to the door. "Lemoncakes and" "Stop that!" The storekeep said." A man's voice replied nasally." He laughed. "You should be finished. A few more feet . perhaps the two had their backs turned. "I do not like it.171 - ." But his . low in his throat.Bobby was in so much shock that he stopped. "Dont play the fool." The nasal voice went on." The storekeep replied. Bobby moved forward by another inch and could finally look through the door. ." "Decent. wet sounds. Bobby knew the man would feel sorry for him and he was sure that maybe he would get a free copy of A Dance with Dragons. his legs unable to carry him further. And it was then that Bobby came up with his plan. inch by inch. "stop it. "You eat too much. Surely it can't be George! "I'll only write under certain circumstances. Bobby heard the sudden slap of flesh on flesh. He sounded hungry." "If you were at all decent. then the nasal man's laughter. you would have been done before fleeing to Australia.

right into the shop. With a loud splash the boy landed in a muddy puddle. Bobby tried to pull himself away from the door. He let go sheepishly. The author ignored him. Everything happened at once then. shaking with relief. Bobby lay there. shouting and pointing. The storekeep.voice was low and weak. Screaming. Faces appeared above him. "So he did. There was nothing to grab on to. He was very fat." He said. and pulled his face down to his nipples. His hands buried themselves in the large man's beard. And now Bobby recognized the fat man beside him. moaning." Bobby seized his arm and held on tight with all his strength. and he was staring right at him. He was in too much of a hurry. His fingers had dug deep gouges in the mans fat forearm. "What are you doing?" The storekeep demanded. and suddenly he was falling. The wet floor rushed up to meet him. George?! "He saw us. The storekeep screamed. Bobby must have made a noise. George yanked him up. The author reached down." The storekeep said shrilly." he said with loathing. boy?" "Fifteen. "Take my hand. His brown hair swung from side to side as his head moved back and forth. and in his panic his legs slipped.172 - . "I am poor and people bully me at school but your books help me carry on living! I love you George RR Martin!" George looked over at the storekeep. His head bumped hard against the wall. "How old are you. His eyes were closed and his mouth was open. his scraggly grey beard." Bobby said. He gave Bobby a shove. "The things I do for Lemoncakes. but still he recognized the storekeep. panting. "The floor is dirty. The storekeep pushed the fat man away wildly. Suddenly his eyes opened. He helped Bobby stand up on the floor. Bobby went backward out the door into empty air. and he did not push the fat man away. Bobby saw his face. ." George RR Martin said. The impact took the breath out of him.

” . It was once whispered that he had invented “roguespam. I don't like this any more than you do. before the bad times. but he'd never seen anything the likes of Wild Cards.THE WARCRAFT REAVER (Geshtar) Once he had been a raider. weasel's glance to the rear storeroom where he peddled low grade meth to the aspiring musicians and connoisseurs of pawned goods who frequented his storefront. Da Mayor.” He pointed up the street. both incarnations. Ike sighed as he unlocked the front and flipped the open sign. The Lich King himself stood no chance before the reaver and his 24 brave companions.” and Blizzard had secretly contracted him to balance rogue DPS after the debacle that was Molten Core and poison immune mobs. was loitering on their stoop. Sometimes he would pay him a dollar to sweep up the front. The zeal of the brainwashed burned in their eyes as they slowly made their way toward Page One. They walked outside to see what was going on. he paid up front. He had seen it all in his days of glory. their faces soiled. tied with hemp rope. two men and a woman.” said Da Mayor. A couple rickety shelves of old books were all that remained of what was once the most popular bookstore in the city. Martin. Kel'Thuzad. the place now was nothing more than a rundown music and pawn shop.” his hand waved over Wild Cards. The boss liked Da Mayor. Ike shook his head as if to derail that line of thinking. fell before his top tier blades. I hope this isn't another yuppie New Age cult from Sedona like the last time. But you gotta do what you gotta do. “it hurts the soul.” A commotion out front drew both their attention. and the cigarette mark was one of many. The book was old and falling apart. were cardboard pizza boxes from various pizzerias in the city. “These are tough times. No. I know what you're thinking. “Doctor. acclaimed on his server.. muscled man with a red Jack as his card designation. The boss said. “Son.. Albuqurque's Page One had seen better days. Three people. “There some weird shit going down today. were crawling on their bellies along the gutter. “Mayor. the sagacious local wino of the block. here's a dollar if you call the cops from the pay phone down the way. and he was the first duel wielder of the legendary warglaives of Azzinoth.173 - . The authors coming for the signing and whatever reader or two who showed up would never notice. ranked highest among the rogues of both the Horde and Alliance... It was by his own hand the gong was banged and the Gates of Ahn'Qiraj were at last opened. this shit. His boss approached as Ike again paused before the Wild Cards spread on the display table. Their clothes were filthy. On their backs. in cash. middle-aged man casually snubbed out his cigarette on the cover of Aces and Jokers: Heroes and Villains for the WILD CARDS campaign setting.” The boss cast a sidelong. Once a proper bookstore. I must not remember the dark period. The ashy burn smoldered on the face of a hairy. And you know he turns a blind eye to what we do out back. Of course this was before the recession.” The smarmy. “Still.

He knew exactly what was going on. I must needs have my knob polished. You know how Mr. The first one came at exactly 2:45. I'm off. Martin's expressed wish the catered food goes straight to his limo. no need for that. “Boss. A meaty hand slapped Ike's neck..” With that the boss strolled out the back door and was gone. The dealers who came in knew the deal. or the pact he had made. Nothing like a family in business working together. it sounds like you have this under control. “Do the right thing. First. Well. except they were well over forty but never seemed to have left college.' to arrive at exactly 2:45. “Little doctor. “That's it?” “That's it.” The boss stepped back inside as the pizza crawlers inched steadily toward them. He was fat and furry and seemed to be on the social level of Ike during the dark times. Ike closed the door behind him. It hurt. There were no other customers. The boss shouted for him at the back of the store. give or take an hour.” “What? What?” Ike stammered. They're part of his pizza crawl.” “Yes ser. you let me know. digging his fingers all the way to the bone. He put his hands on Ike's shoulders. fill me in again on the agenda. We got a good thing going. I believe we're also receiving several caterers from around the city. I mean. They were . One day you will take over.174 - . and then they left. Refusing to look at Ike. It's all been arranged. Sir. The next two were female. we better finish getting set up.” The boss stood up from his desk and pocketed his flask. And paid for.” The boss jerked a flask out of his breast pocket. It is Mr. and Da Mayor. Mayor. the ones he calls 'the New Mexico chapter.. there's a dollar for you if you keep an eye out. The things I do to keep reading alive in America. Ser—I mean Mr. “Ike. no one else. they went out back. mumbling to himself. Ireland. he disappeared behind a rack of cheap Japanese guitars. sir. You knows what I'm talking about. Ike turned his back. He expects the other authors.” “Christ alive. If you see a couple of twins roll up in a Mercedes wearing Armani suits. Ike tried to focus on the present.” Ike knew. refusing to think of the dark times. Aside from the pizza crawlers. the day went as the days tend to go.” Da Mayor gave his signature cryptic smile and then returned to his alley adjacent to Page One. All right. Wiccan. feminist lit students by the look. Ike. I've already put out the signs making it clear food is only for the authors. Everyone was happy. He took a long pull on spiced Christian Brothers brandy. “We'll do good business today. “Fuck me. Ike was about to follow when Da Mayor jabbed a finger in his chest. Martin despises tardiness. I thought I was living out the Breaking Bad episode. These people are Mr. Martin's. the pizza crawlers will set up the buffet for the authors. ever vigilant. Always do the right thing. Martin will arrive at approximately 3:00. there will always be a place for him in the alley outside Page One. pondering whether to flip the open sign back to closed. sorry.Ike cringed.

Her eyes found Ike and she approached. And you missed Thanksgiving. She wrinkled her nose as she surveyed the pawn shop. and rings circled every finger. You'd know this if you'd been there. skiing in 'Staad—” George's voice was wheezy as he brushed her off. The limo pulled up to the front. “Very well. “George. saying nothing. Ike did a final check to make sure everything was in order and stood at attention. “Oh. you must say you're on for Christmas. I assure you Mr. It was an older woman.” Snodgrass looked like she'd just been kicked in the menopausal ovaries. this simply will not do. The other authors fawned before her. haughtily walking into the store. Snodgrass. not bothering to mask her disgust and disapproval. “Ms. You should have holidayed with us in the Hamptons instead of that barbaric Lizard Isle. Martin is on his way. My father set it up. The last member of the New Mexico Wild Cards gang arrived at 3:41.” she crooned. it would not be George. The rental limo pulled away.” Ike bowed his head. The others knew better than coming between the man and his food. Two more men followed. pulled up in front of the shop. When he was finished.attracted to the vegan pizzas the crawlers had brought. George approached the pizza table. The limo quaked as the passenger was helped out. Her face fell and she backed away. several times the girth of the first. “You. and socially awkward as the first. Why has George not arrived? Has he sent word by courier? He knows I am not accustomed to waiting. Yes. Switzerland. some fingers having two. dahling. you simply missed the most marvelous time this summer. and there were no decals of “REPUBLICAN FREE. and the front bell rang as an aide opened the door for the last author. “Gstaad. The woman pointedly ignored them. He was wider than he was tall.175 - . Sadly it was not the first time he had seen him. Skiing on the white bossomed slopes of Vermont. and Ike knew it would not be the last. though she would not remember someone as small and insignificant as Ike. This was not the Hummer super-stretch limo with the Hoveround trunk attachment. She wore diamonds and pearls around her neck. pretentious and snooty. A chauffeur came around to the back and opened two double doors. you there.” he corrected. He shuddered at the memory. I will take my tea and crumpets in the solar. and the mariner's cap upon his head accented the white and silver mane of his unkempt beard. Melinda Snodgrass was upon the famous fantasy author like a wolf-bitch to a fresh kill. “Dropping the 'G' is phony. Ike watched in simultaneous fascination and disgust as the various cold pizzas were all devoured in a matter of ten grueling minutes. in Ireland. In waddled the fattest man Ike had ever beheld. the back tires suddenly rising higher on the suspension. and—” A second limo. Oh. but instantly Ike could tell something was wrong. fat.” He had met the writer before. as equally furry.” Whoever came out of that limo. it was Ike who earned George's full attention. . GREEN-FRIENDLY HUMMER.

and the sight was not an unpleasant thing to behold. He reserved the worst for his hand. I was assured the merchandise would be here. He did his best to conceal it. boy. “So I see. straight from Tor. we'll breed them out. But George had changed all that when he had given him his new life.” A pit opened in Ike's stomach as he rattled off the inventory of damaged miniatures.176 - . has everything been arranged?” “Ser. You said your piece. His best was not good enough. You and your friend. remembering the words of Da Mayor. If we can't get the detractors out. the one known as Ran. the young man smiled. pull him back to the Warcraft raiding. Like Lord Tywin doling out a sharp lesson to his dwarf son. Ike stared at the task. The spread is acceptable.” Contempt overwhelmed Ike. and it had worked very well: he was but one of many former detractors who had fully taken up George's banner. with the Saturday night specials and fenced jewelry. “Remember how I found you. plastic Needle replicas. He choked back sobs. a soul destroyed by MMO addiction and hoarding. all has been seen to.“The pizza crawlers did well. Ashamed. “You know what you have to do. Give these scraps to them with my blessing. Ike remembered George's fateful proclamation: “Perhaps the time has come to reinstitute an old custom.. sweaty dodgeball. Northern Ireland. I settled you here. “And Wild Cards? I see the display table. Dwight. and bootlegged DVDs of Sibel Kekilli porn that were all waiting in the back for George to hawk under the table. The dark times were ever trying to close around him. You came to me. For the first time in a long time. I find your lack of faith disturbing. Ike had to admit the deed had worked. George's justice had been merciless and final. not unlike a pick-up group formulated by the Titans themselves. George's back handed slap struck Ike like a fat. pulling the young man closer. As to our business. the one called Linda. . I believe you wanted to tell me something. was enough to make Ike lose it.” The mention of his old name. I want volume 1 displaying wall to wall. The spark found tinder and there was flame. got you this gig. the recollections of the dark time.” The Lord's once proud hand had a lot more in common with Tyrion Lannister after that. He took Ike aside.” Ike could not forget. A five man-party began to form within Ike. They can have the crusts and whatever toppings remain.. I grant my new followers prima nocte: first night. George's eyes narrowed. A spark glinted somewhere inside him as the drunk's words repeated in his head: Do the right thing. George continued.” The shrinkwrapped pallet of unsellable books in the back room was a Meerenese knot Alexander himself couldn't hack through. Then there had been the girl. He had been a detractor once. George had punished his defenders in Ireland for their negligence and incompetence during the Chicago C2EC travesty. but where are the new editions? I requested a pallet of reissued volume 1s. When any common girl of westeros. his new name. the new lords shall have sexual rights to her on the night of her wedding. You took it. behind the employee counter. and I made my offer. Do not forget what I've done for you. And I wanted it ten minutes ago. His breath stank of onions and bad fried fails on her obligation to defend me. yes. the squalor.

dropping the pallet of shitty books into the ruined limo. somewhere. The Italian brothers were still out there. the top stripped off and capable of holding the contents of the Wild Cards volume 1 pallet. He also had his healer. with his cloth Abercrombie armor. he would hone his DPS in the real world and build a real party. Someone in the group always hated the healer. A sly smile crept over Ike's face. Surely they desired a rematch. Ike gave him a salute as he drove the fork of the hydraulic push cart into the wooden pallet. The story of his life. But they were around. The vehicle bounced like the stretch Hummer had done when George had gotten out. Destiny ordained that Ty had also come to him only days after Parris. Melee DPS was spoken for—Ike himself. He knew just who to call. An enemy of my enemy is my friend. Words were passed in hushed whispers. Ike kicked a lever and the receiving bay door accordioned up into the ceiling. agreements made.. Instead of retreating back to Warcraft. selling a Mary Kay knockoff skincare line while garmented in a Nickelback T-shirt. but she seemed to truly hate George. still the undead rogue who had once moved heaven and earth on Azeroth. He was behind the wheel of Snodgrass' limo. . Ty's hate for George was only matched by his disgust for Parris. Ike sighed.George had lifted him from the darkness. He would have to do but was certainly replaceable. though he was rusty. Then there was the one called Ty. Pesci had not been seen since the Werthead collective had sprung George from his captivity.. The one called Parris had revealed herself to him weeks ago. but this was nothing new. All Ike needed was a tank. As the Klingon homage went. She trusted him as much as he trusted her. whipped but not beaten.177 - . The enigmatic Mayor was waiting as if he'd known all along. but at heart he was still the raider. You have the perfect group and all you need is the tank.

R.TY FRANCK. MARTIN. George’s secret ghostwriter and forgotten brother.ROGER ZELAZNY . The house words are "No.FRANK S.APPENDIX HOUSE MARTIN The Martin clan has been in Santa Fe. Aspiring author of (title removed at GRRM’s request) . The Martin house sigil is a rusty gray WordStar computer with grease stains on a field of pasty white." GEORGE R.Other associated persons: . Maester of chili con queso and sometime keeper of the library tower. said to be imprisoned deep within the library tower’s donjon .IAN TREGILLIS . S. . the two cats .DANIEL ABRAHAM . his common law wife and former hippie. his beleaguered sometime assistant and monitor of Martin’s Not-A-Blog. author of the as-yet unfinished fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire. Martin left behind his home state of New York and his adopted football teams the Giants and the Jets for the painted mesas of the New Mexico desert.178 - . no. editor of Wild Cards and absolute fucker.CAROLINE SPECTOR . MARTIN.selected Wild Cards contributing authors: . which gave him the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to edit Wild Cards with his friends.WALTER JON WILLIAMS . R. . Lured by the promise of tastier chili con queso.PARRIS McBRIDE. There.AUGUSTUS and CALIGULA. New Mexico for several decades. no. The American Tolkien. writer-produce of TV’s Beauty and the Beast. Martin’s personal sigil is a green jet next to a dark blue and red giant.MELINDA SNODGRASS . he gained fame and renown for his A Song of Ice and Fire series. George R. editor of Wild Cards. an unwashed lackwit boy of indeterminate age who is rumored to be Martin’s bastard son . holding court at a water damaged library tower with a dragon-shaped mailbox.ARST4N (JAMES).

179 - . . . webmaster of westeros. ELIO “RAN” GARCIA.DRIBBLEOFINK. High Maester of the GRRMlins and his multiple manifestations on any internet forum tangentially related to George R. Martin has rewarded their loyalty by friending them on his livejournal blog.SFFWORLD.AMAZON.LINDA. Martin is not without his defenders.EVIL AGENT. published British author. webmaster of Speculative Horizons .BLOGSPOT. and a frequent and fawning poster to Martin’s Not-A-Blog under the name HIPPOIATHANATOI.THE WERTHEAD COLLECTIVE. stained brown. webmaster of A Dribble of Ink. R.COM And several others . the only one who has willingly read The Dark Thorn in its entirety. R.COM . To that end.BETTERHOMESANDGARDENS.COM .ORG . Lord Commander of the Collective . Martin is not your bitch.WESTEROS.NEIL GAIMAN. R.DEBORAH.COM. on a field of black. . . they have squelched discussion of A Dance with Dragons’ projected publishing date in an attempt to maintain order.COM .SPECULATIVEHORIZONS. Martin . Ever since 2008 came and went with A Dance With Dragons no closer to completion. a poster on Not-A-Blog . The GRRMlin house words are "George R.WERTZONE. ." Their sigil is a human nose. the common identity of Adam a poster on sffworld. apathetic and .AIDAN MOHER.COM . his fiancée His bannermen: .JAMES LONG.EVILNIOJ. an aspiring author and temporal alchemist who claims to have successfully distilled five years into three.SUDUVU.COM . famous for coining the GRRMlin house words.SHAWN SPEAKMAN.HOUSE GRRMLIN George R. a dedicated few have worked tirelessly to defend Martin against charges of being unprofessional.

When George R. R. Martin told his detractors to get their own blogs to complain about his inaction, Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci took the edict to heart. Their efforts galvanized the nascent movement of GRRM detractors and inspired the founding of allied movements such as the Is Winter Coming? forum and the GRRUMblers Wordpress blog. Driven to desperation by five years of slacking and ads for water-damaged merchandise, the Brave Companions now plot something awful against their tyrannical overlord. The house sigil is a photoshopped image of George R. R. Martin on an undersized exercise machine on a field of royal blue. Their house words are “Finish the Book, George”

RAY LIOTTA, Chicago mafia lord and founder of “Finish the Book, George” - JOE PESCI, his bloodthirsty older brother and wartime consigliore, assigned to monitor Martin’s progress on A Dance With Dragons, currently imprisoned within Martin’s library tower. - VINNIE, their cousin, a lad of nineteen

- some of their allies: - KRISTIN KREUK, called CAT OF THE CONCIERGE, statistician to The Brave Companions, blinded by her Kindly Manager. - SLYNT, an angry Norwegian rockstar-turned-teacher - IBLIS, tamer of camels - ROLAND OF GILEAD, an unfortunate poster on the Terry Brooks forum who had the audacity to intimate that GRRM was late. - KRAFUS, a French-Canadian and president-founder of Iblis’ fanclub - His allies: - AMY - DAVE - FRANK

- LISA TUTTLE (SHAE), formerly a captive at GRRM's library tower.

- KENNY MC WILLIAMS, an unfortunate postal worker - LORD ROBERT MERRILL, his overbearing supervisor

- 180 -

- TERRY BROOKSKIND, an author of mediocre talent who writes stories about heroic characters who battle wizards and demons in non-fantasy settings - (ROBERT JORDAN), author of The Wheel of Time series, passed away in 2007 with the series incomplete - JOE ABERCROMBIE, a professional author - STEPHEN ERIKSON, a professional author - BRANDON SANDERSON, a professional author who is currently finishing The Wheel of Time. Prophesied to do the same for A Song of Ice and Fire.

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Newspapers and Periodicals

If you run a blog post it here, so we can can read it.

Here's KrKreuk's and mine -

Slynt's Reread ->

Aussie Chris ->

KrKreuk's old blog ->

Something Awful GRRM thread -> GRRM: Your despair is like succulent honey

Liota and Pesci ->

GRRM's soon to be banned fake Facebook page ->

If you have a blog post the URL below. Also what other blogs, and websites do you follow that relate to SciFi/Fantasy? Annan: Blog of Ice and Fire - This guy is reading ASoIaF for the first time and posting his (humourous) commentary on it. He's currently on ACoK, but it hasn't been updated since August (finish the book, Jason!). A Podcast of Ice and Fire - Once again, hasn't been updated in QUITE a while, but some of their podcasts can be pretty funny. (At least one of the hosts is a member of SA, if anyone cares.)

Read more: ixzz1C3rSWLJH - 182 -


Read more: ixzz1C3r6clSA

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Christmas Carols Carols
The GRRMmas Song
Post by kehnonymous on Dec 14, 2010, 11:37pm What can I say? George R & R Marrtyr's resemblance to Kris Kringle has got me in the holiday spirit. The GRRM-mas Song (sung to the tune of 'The Christmas Song') Martin slacking off on Ice and Fire Jack Vance editing your prose Angry readers claim that George is a liar While time stands still in Westeros Everybody knows some chile que es con queso Helps to make the waistband tight George's fans just don't care if he's slow He should take the time to get it right They're sure that Dance can't be far away And there's been lots of swords and Wild Cards along the way But every Martin fan is gonna cry If he's not finished before the show's season five.... They know that Santa's on his way; He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh. But every Martin fanboy's gonna cry If he's not finished before the show's season five.... And so I'm rehashing this wornout phrase For fans of this literary niche Although its been disproved both by Slynt and by Ray George R. Martin George R. Martin George R. Martin's not your bitch

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no questioning These are a few of my favorite things When the trolls bite When my publisher rings When I’m feeling bad I simply remember my favorite things (I certainly don’t write Dance) . 2010. anthologies and HBO cast hints Jets games and Giants games and blog posts about them Hopeful Shae actresses tied up with strings These are a few of my favorite things Cheap resin miniatures and replica Needles Damp RPG sets and Game of Thrones T-shirts Signings and cons.) Wild Cards. Here is my effort. to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music. with my pals glad-handing These are a few of my favorite things Doublets of velvet with sigils and slashes Lemoncake crumbs in my beard and eyelashes NAB dissent ban-hammered.185 - . actually.My Favorite Things Post by jjh on Dec 15. 3:21pm All these songs are delightful. (One of my guilty pleasures.

we patrol them Spreading our Word to all Ohhhh he’s a gardener. still proceeding Go read something else tonight Note: art imitates life.186 - . so this one is dedicated to the holy trinity of GRRiMlins. We the three top GRRiMlins are Defending Ser George from afar Websites. ceasing never Putting you all to shame Voodoo math to offer have I I’m a writer. honest. 7:03pm This is my last one. he’s all right “He is not your bitch” we cite Dance he’s completing. GRRMmas is for everyone.We Three Kings Post by jjh on Dec 16. as always. forums. thus poor Censor Ty remains. in my little room Detractors I ban from the group Love to comment on the NAB Craving some praise from GRRM Ohhhh he’s a gardener. sadly overlooked . 2010. To the tune of We Three Kings... you can but sigh Disappointed? I say “Own It!” You are much stupider than I I’m Hippo-boi. still proceeding Go read something else tonight Everywhere on the net I declaim Facts and figures. again and again Wert forever. he’s all right “He is not your bitch” we cite Dance he’s completing.

All I want for Christmas Post by grrmismyidol on Dec 19. 2010. I don't need to hang old calendars There already out of date Well until you make me happy I am filled with spiteful hate I just want to see John Snow More than you could ever know Make me wet my pants All I want for Christmas is Dance Dance baby Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas I won't even watch that show And I'm just gonna keep on waiting Fuck Fucking HBO I won't buy Tuf Voyaging Your attitude makes me sick I won't even check your blog You Fucking Lazy Prick 'Cause I just want Dany here tonight Watching her dragons taking flight Who the Fuck's Jack Vance? Baby all I want for Christmas is Dance Dance Oh all the lights are shining At last Your nearly there And it must be finished Before the premiere Is what everyone is thinking But I see that ship is sinking Fat man won't you give me the thing I really need? Won't you please give my book to me? .187 - . 2:54pm To the tune of Maria Carey .All I want for Christmas I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need I don't care about the wild cards or your new anthology I just want to see Tyrion More than you could ever know Give me half a chance All I want for Christmas Is Dance I don't want a lot for Christmas There's one thing I want to read And all your signing at conventions Will not make this fan feel pleased.

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas I don't want replica swords And I don't care about the NFL And politics makes me bored Oh I just want to finally know If Dany will shag john Snow Isn't she his aunt? Baby all I want for Christmas is Dance baby All I want for Christmas is Dance All I want for Christmas is Dance All I want for Christmas is Dance .188 - .

Two Wildcard Books. Eleven Painted Miniatures. are they thickening? Fat pink masts.Twelve Days of GRRMstmas Post by kehnonymous on Dec 13. While Ty's underpaid. And a waterlogged calendar from two thousand and three! . 2010. Its author ain't wrote any new words He strings us along. 2010. Three NFL posts. Eight Foreign Editions. (Shawn Speakman is wrong) Blogging while The Dance goes draggin' on While at WorldCon we can meet a fat man For five years. Six Twisted Nipples. Nine Political Rants. Blogging while The Dance goes draggin' on Post by curiousorange on Dec 14. are they glistening? Too lazy to write Mood: horny tonight Blogging while The Dance goes draggin' on Gone away is Jon Snow's blackbird. Twelve Lemony Lemoncakes. When we think of Ice and Fire Another delay. been slacking on the job We'll say: Are you finished? He'll say: No Man But you can buy some swords On Not-A-Blog GRRM. Fi-i-i-ve Pi-i-ink Masts! Four Replica Swords. Seven Surprise Sex Scenes. 9:57am All together now On the Twelfth Day of Christmas George RR Martin gave to me.189 - . Ten Casting Hints. 6:08pm Thanks to darkgreen for inspiring me with his fantastic 'Twelve Days of GRRMstmas' WINTER BLUNDERLAND (sung to the tune of 'Winter Wonderland') Arteries. he'll raise our ire.

2010.” it’s called Calendars? Miniatures? Just shut the f--k up How can I waste time Writing "A Dance With Dragons" When Wild Cards is due? In seventh grade I First read Song of Ice and Fire Just got my PhD Re: Create a GRRM . 8:29am Rejoice! It is done! Fools. Martin cries.haiku ! Post by serlardmartin on Aug 11. 2010.haiku ! Post by darkgreen on Aug 11. 8:42am Bathed in TV light A fat man moans with pleasure Cheetos and Shae tapes Yet another con It is all out of my hands I need to be praised Ageing and obese Don’t worry about my health Doughnuts keep me young! Re: Create a GRRM .Haikus Create a GRRM .haiku ! Post by darkgreen on Aug 11. Gotta love the WildCard-haiku : Mr. and maybe we can add some of our own. 6:10am I just found those on another board. 2010. 8:47am nerds hail me at the convention the smell of cheetos in my nose life is good all work and no play makes George a dull boy off to COMICON 2010 !!! . 2010.190 - . Buy some water-damaged books! Only fifty bucks! “Not a Blog.haiku ! Post by serlardmartin on Aug 11. don’t jump to conclusions Crappy wild cards book Re: Create a GRRM .

mashed and mixed Crisp honey biscuits .haiku ! Post by loripetty on Aug 11.haiku ! Post by darkgreen on Aug 11. 2010.haiku ! Post by job on Aug 11. Re: Create a GRRM . 9:43am FTBG had a lot of this kind of Haikus a year or two ago. 9:04am Heyya serlardmartin.haiku ! Post by darkgreen on Aug 11.191 - . 9:30am Excellent Re: Create a GRRM . 2010. 10:01am Mood:stressed Leaving for Spain soon Nothing to be done for it It can not be helped A Dinner of KFC Pheasant's breast deep-fried Summer potatoes. 2010. my detractors George is not your bitch get a life Re: Create a GRRM . Is that some sort of free form haiku? Re: Create a GRRM . 9:28am On this book cover Behold my name in huge font! For I did edit! Football season comes I can’t be bothered to write Excepting blog shits The merenese knot It is really just bullshit Lets me be lazy I canceled a con I climb now upon a cross I suffer for you! Re: Create a GRRM .haiku ! Post by norwegianviking on Aug 11. Maybe I`ll bother check if I can find it later. 2010.

11:08am This one was gold.Re: Create a GRRM .192 - . 10:55am.haiku ! Post by moose2 on Aug 11.haiku ! Post by jjh on Aug 11.haiku ! Post by darkgreen on Aug 11. I fucked myself New fans and HBO Will expect more books Don’t criticize me You can’t rush a masterpiece I am an artist . 2010. jjh wrote: Hobnobbing abroad Surrounded by sycophants Dance lies neglected Shit. I’m an asshole Care to buy my goods? Water damaged. 2010. jjh: Aug 11. 10:09am I torture you fools I will never finish dance But please buy my crap Re: Create a GRRM .haiku ! Post by thejewgernaut on Aug 11. 2010. out of date Limited supply Re: Create a GRRM . 2010. 2010. 2010. 10:55am HBO filming Re-living my TV days Way more fun than Dance Hobnobbing abroad Surrounded by sycophants Dance lies neglected Re: Create a GRRM . 10:18am It’s done when it’s done Though I taunt you with blog posts A four year cock tease I’m close to finished Though I was close years ago Yes. 10:57am Casting is hard work All the Shaes are really hot Mood equals horny Re: Create a GRRM .haiku ! Post by darkgreen on Aug 11.

More of a haiku cluster. 10:55am. 11:34am Aug 11. . 11:44am Re-wrote a chapter So you must now suck my cock For I deserve it I am not your bitch But you are all my bitches Now purchase my junk A productive day I added a new POV Are you excited? A casting guess game! Who plays the mole on Ned’s ass? It’s some nobody! Re: Create a GRRM . I wrote these on an alias on Nab.haiku ! Post by kehnonymous on Aug 11. 2010. 2010. 2010. sorry I ain't been 'round Just got back from trip Mom calls her Sibel Ron Jeremy calls her often A perfect Shae she is? Jets start training camp As do the New York Giants All hope lost for Dance Re: Create a GRRM . really.haiku ! Post by darkgreen on Aug 11. 12:32pm Wow. 2010. 2010. 12:04pm Sean Bean plays Ned Lena Headey plays Cersei George plays The Marrtyr Re: Create a GRRM . Just gonna copy paste here for now. I you guys have been busy while I was sleeping.haiku ! Post by scorpiknox on Aug 11. jjh wrote: Hobnobbing abroad Surrounded by sycophants Dance lies neglected Agreed! +1 to you Hey.Re: Create a GRRM .193 - .haiku ! Post by kehnonymous on Aug 11.

Too mad to poem Winter is too long this time The knot is not done Re: Create a GRRM . 11:29pm you paid thirty bucks for half a freaking novel screw you. If anyone stumbles across them.haiku ! Post by graff on Aug 11. Need to start using a proxy when I post there I suppose. Ab Fuck. 2010. What is even weirder is that my "alias" was my attempt to make a true NaB poster. 2010. 12:52pm I dedicate this one to scorpiknox's moderated haikus: censor all comments even humorous haikus absolute fucker Re: Create a GRRM . 12:56pm when he's at WorldCon will George tote Ty in his pouch . you'll know. which really pisses me right the fuck off.haiku ! Post by thejewgernaut on Aug 11. They were legit haikus not in anyway derogatory to GRRM. it`s a freestyle haiku) open file "ADWD_manuscript" press "delete all" my burden gone with a tip of my finger Re: Create a GRRM . buy wild cards Look! Miniatures! Cersei's tits.haiku ! Post by morandir on Aug 18. 12:39pm Five years after Feast Martin's Dance sits unfinished Is Winter Coming? EDITED Re: Create a GRRM .haiku ! Post by kehnonymous on Aug 19. 2010.194 - . Casting clues will now spew forth. 2010. awesome detail I must masturbate. But I am pretty sure they're gone. 11:30am (admitted. but it looks like they got deleted.I was going to post them here. I'm feeling froggy.haiku ! Post by serlardmartin on Aug 12. Re: Create a GRRM . 2010. Dance is still not done.

like a kangaroo? Re: Create a GRRM .. pizza. Coke Pizza.haiku ! Post by krafus on Aug 24. 3:44pm Captain's hat is packed For a well deserved trip south Winter Down Under Re: Create a GRRM .haiku ! Post by serlardmartin on Aug 24. thinking of Shae the issue of my loins spilled on the keyboard Parris must never know Re: Create a GRRM .haiku ! Post by scorpiknox on Aug 19.. 2010. pizza. 10:09am George's Deep Thoughts: Pizza. 2010. Coke Pizza. 2010. 7:35am Here's my old entry from the FTBG thread Norwegianviking mentioned: THE HAIKU BALLAD OF THE UNFINISHED BOOK Gather ‘round you folks For ‘tis a sad tale of woe That afflicts us all There was once a man Let’s call him GRRM Who wrote a series It was really good It built a big readership And sold lotsa books . now Pizza. Re: Create a GRRM . KFC! Re: Create a GRRM . 2010.195 - . pizza.haiku ! Post by scorpiknox on Aug 20. 3:34am jerking off. KFC! One thing you must know is that George eats Popeye's. 10:09am. Cheetos.haiku ! Post by guicciardini on Aug 20. 3:48pm Aug 20. 2010. 2010. now Pizza. guicciardini wrote: George's Deep Thoughts: Pizza. Cheetos. pizza.

Dany But there’d be Jaime Book four was published In the year two thousand five To shouts of “At last!” It was not rubbish But it wasn’t great either Not like the first three Still we held out hope For at the end of book four GRRM said: “‘Twas a bitch to write But worry not. very. ‘Twill be a Dance with Dragons Yea.Three books were written By the year two thousand one We settled to wait The fourth book took long Very. the second part Of A Feast for Crows. Book five will follow. my faithful For in the next year. of foreign trips Of houses and flu Of politics and Wild Cards and ASOIAF . And within all characters Now missing will shine” So again we hoped With bright eyes and eager grins Again we waited Days. Jon. months. very long to write Or so it seemed then Then came the sad news That the book would only deal With half the people We’d come to so love No Tyrion.196 - . then years passed And still the Dance wasn’t done And something happened On the Livejournal Of Martin that’s not a blog News of Dance dried up While all other news Of football. very.

Merchandise went up Eventually.. grins fell Even more time passed Doubts turned to open rancor The fandom ruptured At last Martin said “Get thou gone. you naysayers. it was good Eventually In the year two thousand nine The rancor became Too much for Martin He finally updated And he said he hoped To finish the Dance In June of two thousand nine Hope springs eternal I’m afraid I’m now All out of hope for the Dance ‘Tis been way too long You don’t like waiting? Try waiting eight fricking years *Then* you can complain Jjh on January 26th.197 - . People started to notice And to ask questions Those questions were met By silence. 2011 . and here are a couple of new ones.. then deletion On the Not-A-Blog Doubts began to grow In the hearts of some fans Eyes lost light. And complain elsewhere” And that’s what we did We came to Finish the Book And yea. Still waiting? Angry? Best keep it to yourself. troll Or you'll be censored What is George up to? Writing? Or watching Shae tapes? (((You will never know))) .

Step two: ? ? Step three: Profits.198 - .Scorpiknox on January 25th. . 2011 Trolls all around me! They cut me with blades of lies! Linda off her meds. Caught in a time warp No progress for a decade Just like Ran's wardrobe Hey proboards try this: Dictionary -> Harrassment Then grow testicles Robotosaur on January 27th. 2011 Step one: Call yourself A writer. bitch.

199 - . so Random House can bind them In the Land of Martin where he's Five Years late . One last 'con behind him. One more Chapter to end the pages. One for the Fat Lord on his porcelain throne In the Land of Martin where he's Five Years late One more Chapter to tie the Knot.Everything Else The Division of the Rings kehnonymous Three Calendars for Speakman. Nine for Sycophants doomed to wait. at a discounted rate Seven for the Wertheads while they blog at home.

1:15am .200 - .Graphic Art and Paintings jaquelecaque on May 13. 2010.

1:17am .201 - . 2010.jaquelecaque on May 13.

202 - .jaquelecaque on May 13. 1:28am . 2010.

3:31pm . 2010.203 - .altraum on May 13.

204 - . 12:25am . 2010.altraum on May 18.

205 - . 8:10am . 2010. 4:02am scorpiknox on Sept 1.krkreuk on May 18. 2010.

9:20pm scorpiknox on Sept 16. 2010.206 - . 10:26pm . 2010.scorpiknox on Sept 16.

2010.scorpiknox on Sept 30. 2010. 9:00pm (loripetty didn’t know the source for this one) . 9:54pm loripetty on Oct 1.207 - .

208 - . 10:07pm loripetty on Oct 23. 2010. 2010.scorpiknox on Oct 7. 5:02am .

loripetty on Oct 23. 6:09am Rex on Oct 23. 2010. 2010.209 - . 9:52pm .

210 - ..

10:11pm . had to resize the thingy): felix on Dec 8.211 - . 2010. 2010.Previous page (sorry. 12:03am scorpiknox on Dec 8.

3:12am .212 - . 2010.monel on Dec 9.

.213 - .

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215 - ..

216 - .Rex on Dec 23. 2010. 1:27am .

2011. 7:51pm (saying the source is probably SA) .loripetty on Jan 8.217 - .

loripetty on Jan 8. 2011. 7:54pm .218 - .

2011.219 - . 8:03pm .geshtar on Jan 16.

3:37pm .loripetty on Jan 18.220 - . 2011.

3:56pm .221 - . 2011.Rex on Jan 18. .com/watch?v=PmVpzran4UE&feature=player_embedded graff on Nov 22.Movies silentmajority on Oct - . 10:59pm http://www. 2010. 2:03pm http://www. 2010.

Sweetmartin. Silentmajority.English Translator (thread started by Mir8212 with contributions of Lori Petty. this GRRiMlin has no functional brain so there are no double meanings) GRRM says:ADwD will probably be finished this year! GRRM means: A Wild Card book will positively be finished this year. aussiechris. . . Scorpiknox. Examples: GRRM says: "My fans" GRRM means: The people who'll eat my shit and call it fudge GRRM says: "My detractors" GRRM means: Everyone else GRRM says: "Trolls" GRRM means: Anyone who has an opinion different from mine and/or asks about ADWD GRRiMlin says: "Go read something else" GRRiMlin means: ASOIF was my first non-picture book so I'm assuming it's yours too GRRiMlin says: "George Martin is not your bitch" GRRiMlin means: . myrddin. Iblis. vonlent. Krafus.sorry.223 - . spannerx. jaquelecaque. jjh) It's often quite difficult to understand what these jokers are saying so I thought a dictionary might come in handy.. Montage.Language GRRM/GRRiMlin .

as usual. GRRM says: A Dance with Dragons is my first priority. GRRM says: I'm a gardener type of writer.224 - . GRRM means: Hello free advertising space and place to blog endlessly about football! GRRM says: I have the crud. I'll announce that it didn't work out. After all. maybe even two years. this is the best excuse i have left in my arsenal. i'm in Barbados. and scrap them entirely.GRRM says: I finished a Jon Snow chapter today! GRRM means: I re-watch the Jet games today.. decide they're not good enough. and scrap it entirely. GRRM means: After months of struggling. Though maybe I'll wake up tomorrow. Just when i need to step up into high energy mode. GRRM means: I gave up on this book years ago. decide it's not good enough. i don't have time to do a real blog.twice! And now I'm starting to watch it again. GRRM says: I finished a Tyrion chapter today. Now bring me Hot Pockets and miniatures! GRRM says: This is my Not A Blog. not an architect. GRRM means: I don't need no stinking outline. GRRM means: And tomorrow. GRRM says: I may have untangled the Meereenese Knot a little bit today. . GRRM means: After years of struggling. Though maybe I'll wake up tomorrow.. if I play this right. GRRM says: Trust me. GRRM says: I made progress on a Tyrion chapter today. I finished an entire Tyrion chapter today. Let's see. I can use the knot as an excuse not to finish Dance for another year. I finished a whole three sentences in a Tyrion chapter today. The truth is. no one wants Dance finished more than me. GRRM means: After five years of bullshit.

and I wind up doing nothing (but now I feel kind of bad about it) GRRM says: What more could you want? GRRM means: Dance? People seriously still care about that book? Huh... And Ty. "Neil Gaiman has. and various other activities. News to me. travelling to any number of conventions... GRRM means: Fuck u and your emails full of adoration. writing other novels and short stories.. I care more about fecal matter than your pathetic dreams of reaching me. GRRM says: I had one of my periodic email catastrophes.. since i force him to read them. wait. GRRM says: For all you Wild Card fans out there: GRRM means: Dear Ran and Wert. creating new sales pitches for my billboar -I mean Not-A-Blog.and I wind up doing nothing.Well.. like. not a real writer like me!!! GRRM says: "I’ve been scarred too many times" GRRM means: I'm starting to think that even my real fans will start to turn if I keep this shit up GRRM says: "... admiring my miniature collection. 12 of ’em. complaining about my illnesses. GRRM means: I should have THIRTEEN! Neil Gaiman is not an AMERICAN TOLKIEN is he?! GRRM thinks: You dumbass detractor of a reporter!!!! How dare you question my right to an assisstant!!??? I've won HUGOs!!! HUGOs!!!! You have no idea what how hard it is to be a WRITER!!!!!!!! Oh.” Martin says curtly.225 - . GRRM says: Fuck Republicans.. GRRM means: Fuck Republicans..” GRRM means: . after editing Wild Cards anthologies. . blogging about football and politics.GRRM means: A Dance with Dragons is my first priority..

chumps! GRRM says: Meeereeeneesse knot GRRM means: That fictional piece of fiction I made up to excuse myself from writing. half the day on the script. Enjoy your investment.. That's something I NEVER do... GRRM says: P... Half the day on the book. but if I act like supplies are limited. That's not so far away. GRRM means: I have some severely damaged copies of my book Fevre Dream for sale. GRRM means: I have a box car full of this shit....S. Someone did my taxes too..S.. One of my readers has just pointed out to me that the 2009 calendar will be right again in 2015....... Muhahaha a damaged copy that's autographed is worth about as much as an not autographed damaged book.... I wrote something today. GRRM means: I hope this incredibly encouraging and detailed update will keep the lot of you quiet and happy for the entirety of my convention season. ... But today everything seemed to click. Taxes are done too.. Had a good day writing today.. GRRM says: P.... but I don't expect that to be long. what the fuck does that mean?) GRRM says: This offer is good while the supply lasts..GRRM says: I think I've made some progress on Dance lately.. Mood:Happy GRRM means: P.S.... more people will buy my garbage. Mood: Bored GRRM says: I have some autographed hardcovers of my book Fevre Dream for sale.. (Good god! How the hell do I know what that means! No.. That's something I NEVER do.... GRRM says: (((((soon)))))) GRRM means: ..226 - .... seriously..

Elio just validated my sorry attempt at pushing an outdated calendar as a reward for overpaying for my signature. GRRM means: I've got a bunch of signed books and useless calendars sitting around taking up space and this is the only way I can move any of them. GRRM says: Buy a $100 worth of signed books and I'l throw in a signed 2009 calendar free. Supoprt my habit.GRRM means: P.227 - . Also..S. I will still be writing Dance in 2015.. George says:ADWD in 2006 but means:ADWD forever translation:time is relative Mr. bitches! GRRM says: Instant gratification generation Translation: Y'know. Googre says:i have the biggest fanbase in the world but means:i have the biggest pantyhose in the world translation:big pants but small hose GRRM says: Instant gratification generation Translation: Get off my lawn! . That's not so far away. those brats who like to call you out when you're running half a decade late. GRRM means: I need space for more miniatures and money to buy them. GRRM says: Buy a $100 worth of signed books and I'l throw in a signed 2009 calendar free.MartOn says:back to westeros but means:he turned his back to westeros translation:just mention westeros and get a time bonus.

but I don't expect that to be long.. No one is saying it will be easy. I don't expect that to be long..This offer is good while the supply lasts.. and the "butterfly effect" comes into play. GRRM says again: Order $100 worth of books from my Signed Books page and I'll throw in a calendar gratis... if the series is renewed.. when the minor character who was changed/ cut in season one is supposed to push to the fore and play a significant role. Translation: Did you not hear me GRRiMlins? Put your wallets where your mouths are..228 - . Translation: Fucking GRRiMlins! Fuckers dissect everything I post and can't take a hint when I slap them in the face with it.. but I don't expect that to be long.. GRRM says again: Order $100 worth of books from my Signed Books page and I'll throw in a calendar gratis. at least.html?thread=9808965#t9808965 The first season.. but the writers are totally fucked in season 5 when they have to tell the Brienne story and have it go absolutely nowhere. it will grow harder to remain faithful in later seasons.. Translation: Season 1 will be badass. maybe take a step back first..... more and more secondary and tertiary characters become involved.This offer is good while the supply lasts. Translation: I need to buy groceries so one of you GRRiMlins needs to do your duty and pay your taxes to your lord and master. whereas what seems like a small and innocous change in season one or two turns out to have major consequences in season five. I hope the viewers like softcore fat guy porn GRRM says: Order $100 worth of books from my Signed Books page and I'll throw in a calendar gratis.livejournal.... oh yeah and all the Samwell bullshit too. As the books progress and the original characters scatter.hang on. from what I have seen. Admittedly.. will hew quite close to the books. more and more settings are seen. But the intent is there.. I said.GRRM says: http://grrm.uh. .com/151109.This offer is good while the supply lasts.. but I don't expect that to be long.

So I guess Kong comes first. no more twelve-hour days for a while.GRRM says: P. GRRM also says: ADWD will be done (((soon))) Translation: I have a very.229 - . Nothing. I do indeed consider blogging as part of my work day. One of my readers has just pointed out to me that the 2009 calendar will be right again in 2015. I will post 5 times in the next 12 days. GRRM says: "That's it for football for me until mid-November. So posts here may be less frequent than before. " GRRM means: "Rewrote the final paragraph of a chapter that I deleted a month ago. so in a month I can rewrite that and say I'm making progress. and despite my intentions.. Then re-revised it. Revised another. GRRM says: "Finished a chapter a few days ago. after all of that other stuff anyway. And now I'm off to ravage Eire and besiege Malta. GRRM means: You are all my bitches now. GRRM means: Yes. very." GRRM says: "The work has piled up as well. I'm not even sure if I have a penis anymore. I haven't seen my penis in forty years. Then I deleted the final paragraph of another chapter. This also means I'm cutting down on watching the Shae audition tapes from 10 hours per day to 9 hours per day..S. so tomorrow my nose goes back on the grindstone. oh yessssss." GRRM says: Mood = Horny GRRM means: Who am I kidding? I can't fap. very different view of time compared to you of the 'instant gratification generation' GRRM says: So let's not hear mutters about other commitments and similar feeble excuses. and also cutting down on my Dance with Dragons time from 20 minutes per day to 15 minutes per day. . For a few hours." GRRM means: "I deny myself nothing. very. Kong comes first. very. That's not so far away. Later. Just do it. TIVO will record all the games between then and now for me to watch when I get back. anyway. Parris and my docs agree.

GRRM says: "It gave my spirits a huge boost to become George the Writer once again. Parris means: Obviously George is using me as a human shield here. having and meeting with fans is what makes one a 'Writer'. not actually the 'having written' part. At least I can blame the book signing for another Dance delay if I get the crud again." GRRM means: My doctor told me that I shouldn't 'work' twelve hour days anymore. Parris says: We're working with our lawyers to get the faux GRRM Facebook pages shut down because they're infringing on George's NAB copyrights. so we just cant have that. but somehow has no problem with me meeting dozens of strangers of dubious hygiene while I have a compromised immune system.230 - . and asked me to make the announcement so he won't take any criticism. after the dehumanizing experience of being George the but let's just say that there was a Myrish swamp involved. I normally would tell George to fuck off. but this page gives people the ability to express actual opinions about the series without moderation! We're not in the business of free discourse of thought concerning George's work. and he made it worth my while. Obviously.cgi?board=ftbg&action=display&thread=50#ixzz 1C37lOjxP . Parris says: JK Rowling stole GRRM's Hugo! Parris means: JK Rowling stole GRRM's Hugo! Parris says: George can't attend the pizza crawl because he's sick. Read more: http://iswintercoming.proboards. Parris means: We all know that George's NAB posts have no commercial value.

jpg .cubeupload. so there might be updates.Currency There only exists one bill that we were able to learn of – however.231 - . the re-search is work in Enlargen picture to get the details: http://old.

0 kg pork shoulder.1. Soak the plums in hot water. Heat the oil in a pan and put the meat in -rind down. dry and add the plums. Add honey. Let cook until the consistency is sirupy. Cut a hole into the meat parallel to the rind.all very very finely chopped and sew shut.5 cm. Add the wine. Put in the mixture of vegetables/mushrooms . if possible) some chips of frozen butter honey sea salt freshly ground back pepper Cut the rind on the pork shoulder in quares of about 1 . the rind still on Sea Salt Pepper 1 tbs cilantro seeds 1 tbs caraway 2 cloves of garlic 1 handful of chestnuts 20 gr of dried truffes 1 small carrot 1 twig of celery 1 shallot 1 tbs oil 1 l vegetable stock 350 g dried. This takes some 1. caraway into a mortar and grind until powdery.5 hours. we need that later).and rost for a few minutes. 1.The Food Leo Tyrell: Stuffed Roast Pork with Plum Sauce No way I can get a whole piglet into my oven. Stir continously. shoot arrows at wormy apples and discuss dragons. Lazy Leo (Tyrell) has just forced his company on us and is bragging what he had for dinner: roast piglet stuffed with truffes and chick-peas in plum sauce. salt. Finely chop the shallot and the ginger and roast in a bit of butter (not the frozen bit.After that roast all sides of the meat evenly. sweet plums some ginger (fresh) 1 shallot 1/2 l red wine (not too dry! Go a little on the sweet side. pepper and the bits of frozen 13 in my copy. pepper.5 . Put the meat into a casserole and add vegetable stock. cilantro seeds. not to cut into the meat! Put sea salt. Take care. We are sitting at The Quill and Tankard in Oldtown and are quaffing fearsomely strong cider. Serve with dumplings and a glass of fearsomely strong cider. Heat the oven to 180 degree C.232 - . Distribute the powder evenly over the meat. . so we settle for pork A Feast For Crows .2. Let the meat rost until done.

ensuring that it never comes to a boil. sliced into rounds.233 - . it's too hot. Add cinnamon and cloves. Don't peel the fruit.Robotosaur – Hot Spiced Wine 2 bottles red table wine (we used Yellow Tail Shiraz-Cab blend. . ends discarded one orange. Add red wine and reduce heat to below a simmer. Add sliced orange and lemon. which is about the most expensive you'd want to go at $6-7 a bottle) 1/2 cup water 1/2 cup white sugar 4-5 cinnamon sticks about 10 whole cloves one lemon. since you want the oils in the peel to flavor the wine. Keep mixture over heat for 30-40 minutes. If you see any bubbles. bring to a boil and allow to boil for about 5 minutes. sliced into rounds. Strain and serve warm. ends discarded Mix water and sugar together in a large pot over medium-high heat.

After half the time. Chop the onion very find and add to the bowl as well as the soft butter. another bit of wine over the pike.234 - . salted and with lemon-juice washed pike) upright on a halved potatoe (alternative: use clean pebbles) on your baking tray. awaiting Lord and Lady Stokeworth to get them to do something about Bronn. Season to taste with salt and pepper. .it should be wholly covered. Chop the parsley very fine and add to the bowl. We are sitting in Cercei's solar and have helped us to a glas of her hippocras.HerbCersei: Herb -crusted Pike A Feast For Crows . Carefully put the dough on the pike . Wet the pike with a bit of wine and put it into your oven. Rosemary potatoes go well with this 513. Chop the vegetables and place around the pike. For the last 10 minutes add the 'barbecue'-function to get a nice golden crust. for example: 2 zucchini 2 sweet peppers (red and orange) celery a couple of small carrots Cut the rind from the toast and crumble it into a bowl. 1 pike (at least 45 cm) 1 package of toast 1 big bunch of parsley 1 small onion 250 g butter (soft) 1/2 bottle of white wine 2 lemony lemony lemons salt an pepper vegetables to your liking. Let bake for about 45 minutes. 180 degree C. She'll be here soon. Sit the (cleansed and gutted. Knead until you have a smooth dough.

Pour some of the wine over the rice an (caution: big steam cloud coming) add the vegetable stock. Put olive oil in a pan and heat. You should unpack them and water them overnight. bringing her food . I prefer the Greek ones. the smooth side down. Use Thai birds-eyes. They will do. until the rice is very hot and on the verge from glassy to going white again. (**) hot <> hot. onions.which she promptly denies. how to phrase this exactly in English: the veins (??) of the leave should be up. cinnamon.. mix in a couple of Habaneros. Push them to the rim of the pan.) Begin preparing this recipe a day before you want to serve . If you are more for hotter peppers. so choose whatever suits you best. Yes. g.belly up. you desperately want to shout at somebody .. clean. Put a tablespoon of the rice-mixture on every leave and fold the edges case you are using the preserved grape leaves. Chop mushrooms. Mix everything nicely and set aside to cool. parsley and peppers very finely. then make a small roll.the recipe in AFFC is without rice. big surface and lay out the leaves .. add sweet pepper. you love (e. is a mystery to me. We watched her dressing garishly and s n i g g e r e d (1) a lot when suddenly the servants come in. Put in onions and hot peppers and roast until glassy. I don't know. Set aside to dry. I have done variations of this dish for all my life and fared best with rice. Reduce 842: We are imprisoned in the Spear Tower in Sunspear together with Arianne. Put a glug of oil there and put in the uncooked rice. since they are kept in brine. Find a nice.. mushrooms for a while. Continue for hours on end to do that. Rinse the rice under cold water until the water runs clean. I know . until the rice is done. put on a lid and cook for some 20 minutes. (*) meaning: not parboiled or such. and carefully place all the rolls in a casserolle. Personally. like they would be. Roast. cumin (mortared). garam masala .Arianne Martell: Stuffed Grape Leaves A Feast For Crows . (***) the package shown on the photo are Turkish grape leaves...235 - . until your fingers are all wizened . . There are many varieties between. 250 g natural rice (*) 250 g crimini mushrooms 2 medium onions 100 g raisins 1 sweet red pepper A bunch of parsley 50-100 grams hot peppers (**) 1 package of grape leaves (***) White wine (no. then parsley.. They taste better and I am suspecting the Greeks to let mostly children do the plucking. How they ever managed to roll the leaves and not have the rolls fall apart. cilantro seeds (mortared). Let her! More for us. if harvested by a child sampling beautiful leaves. I'll not be lecturing this time) Vegetable stock Olive oil Salt Pepper Spices. so rice it is. which makes for the biggest leaves EVAH and sometimes they are so nicely folded . so that the middle is free.. then.

sweet and hot.mine never get that far . but calls for herbs more than spices. if -admittedly. They should not (!) swim. how they do it . then). Minced meat also does nicely. They will still be extremely good when re-heated. NOM! Some pics plugged out of the internet . You can make many variations of the mixture: try every vegetable imaginable. This is one of my fav dishes of all time.236 - . you can already eat them at this stage) . before you bake it (yes. Every now and then pour some more wine over the rolls. Fruits and nuts can also go into the mixture (insted of meat.but maybe. Kael Edin can help us there. but stop at the size of peas. Put in the casserrolle and let bake for around 45 minutes.not as delicious as freshly made. but be relatively dry. The Greek have a way to preserve them in a mixture of something that includes olive oil. NOM! You can preserve the dish by putting the roles in small portions into your freezer. You are free to invent your own.without giving a source or credit or caring about copywrite: Here's what I mean with 'belly up' The look of it.Pre-heat your oven to 175 degrees C. Unfortunately I do not know. it combines salty.

Heat oven to 180 degrees C. Put the butter in the still-hot pan and roast slightly. .. Add a small glug of cognac..) pepper salt cream cheese Slice the skin of the duck crosswise. Halve the oranges and press the juice from 99: we are sitting with Illyrio.5 of them into a bowl. Jorah Mormont. Careful. Put oil in a pan. add to the bowl. skin up. but the duck is not floating in it. heat and rost the duck breast . since the most famous honeyed duck is certainly 'canard l'orange'. Throw in the rest of the green pepper corns. we can do the duck alright and come up with something nice with peppers. pepper. Pour the fluid out of the casserolle into a pot. salt to the bowl and mix everything. Pour the duck-stock into the pan and let simmer for a while. stays covered. 2 pcs. do not cut into the meat. Mix cream cheese with salt. turn them around at some point. pepper. honey.. Cointreau. duck breast 3 big organic oranges 3 tbs honey (pine. Roast for about 30-45 minutes.. Clean the peppers. Cover the duck with a thin layer of honey. This receipe could also go to the 'French Cooking' thread. Whatever 'snap peppers' might be . Take half of the green pepper corns and crush a bit. Put the duck breast into the bowl and let marinade for a couple hours.Honeyed Daenerys: Hone yed Duck with Orange Peppers A Game Of Thrones . Viserys and Dany at a table in the estate Khal Drogo owns in Pentos and having a bite to eat: honeyed duck with orange snap peppers. It is the evening before Dany is going to marry the Khal. to keep warm .cook for a short time and then let simmer for about 15 minutes. Fish out the pebbles. Make sure. herbs and stuff it into the peppers. dipped into the sauce. small orange peppers herbs ( side first . place the duck breast on top of them.237 - . Add small pieces of frozen butter and let simmer until a spoon. Take a casserolle and put in a layer of (scrubbed clean) pebbles (3-4 cm in diameter).add the stuffed peppers to the plate. there's always enough fluid in the casserolle. oregano . Pour the contents of the pan into the casserolle and place it in the oven. Take the duck out of the casserrolle and put on a plate and back into the oven.until golden. pebbles and all . Add Ketjap Manis. if you can get it) 1 tbs of fresh green pepper corns (Asian foodstuff shops) 1 tbs Ketjap Manis (at amazon) 500 ml duck stock pepper salt (frozen) butter oil cognac Cointreau medium hot.

green asparagus and peppers.Slice the remaining 1/2 orange into small bits and arrange on a platter.238 - . surround the duck with the stuffed peppers and pour some of the sauce on the platter. A nice addition is a salad of snap-peas. . Arrange the duck on it (sliced). Serve with dumplings.

the barley/the potatoes to the meat and pour a little wine and the lamb stock over everything. Personally. wine.0 . We are sitting with Jon and Tyrion in the common hall of Castle Black and have just gotten ourselves a bowl of mutton stew. Add salt. Peel the onion and chop fine. Add pepper. use lamb) 1 big oinion 2 tbl oil salt white pepper. Wash.Stew Jon: Mutton S tew A Game Of Thrones . Add the beans.5 cm. peal the potatoes and cut them in cubes the same size as the meat. Another 15 minutes in the oven. salt and the onion. Heat the oil in a casserrolle (or any other pot you have that can be put in the oven later). Tyrion is complaning that somebody should tell the cooks that turnip isn't a meat. I throw in some bird-eye chillies in the first stage of this recipe (right before the onion).1. crushed 750 string beans (green beans) 500 g barley (soaked) . Occasionally add bits of wine and lamb stock.potatoes. Chop the savory finely and add together with the tomatoes to the stew. . so you can get the peel off easily. Put the tomatoes into boiling water for a couple of seconds. Taste.239 - . Chop into quarters. if you prefer (I do) 4 big tomatoes 500 ml lamb stock white wine lots and lots of fresh savory Pre-heat your oven to 200 degree C. pepper. Put in the meat and rost.shoulder (if this tastes too strong for you. 750 g mutton .page 186. Clean the beans and break them into 4 cm pieces. Let simmer for another 30 minutes. Put the pot into the oven and let simmer for about 45 minutes. Cut the meat into cubes of about 1.

lemongrass or rind and fish sauce.pumpkin soup. Just before serving. chili.Arya: Pumpkin Soup A Game Of Thrones . Season with freshly ground pepper. I have copy-pasted this recipe straight out of the web. Add chopped pumpkin. water. which is why we are without him. crushed 1 small . I am not a fan of pumpkin. courtesy of nom-nom. Simmer for about 25 minutes until tender. adjust seasoning to taste. *The same amount of grated lemon peel can be substituted. finely chopped 1 tablespoon brown sugar 2 cloves garlic. coconut cream. 2 tablespoons vegetable oil 1 onion. for garnish In a large pot. Ned Stark is struggling with the Small Council. Ladle soup into bowls and garnish with a fresh coriander leaf. Remove and puree until smooth. so I am not going to improvise much on this. the only pumpkin soup I can actually eat. skinned and chopped into 1-inch chunks 2 1/4 cups water 1 2/3 cups canned coconut cream 1 tablespoon hot sweet Thai chili sauce 1 tablespoon lemon 214: we are sitting in the Small Hall of The Tower Of The Hand. finely chopped* 1 tablespoon fish sauce freshly ground pepper 1/4 cup fresh cilantro chopped cilantro leaves. and the first course is already taken away .240 - . heat oil and gently cook onion with brown sugar and garlic over low heat until softened (8-10 minutes). Mix in chopped coriander.

oregano.ClaySansa: Salad. Kings Landing. First snail: just stuff the shell (with the snail in it) with garlic. You can get it in ecological shops or on the weekly markets where ecological farmers sell their goods. but I have the good luck that a colleague of mine is breeding the animals. but not quite vanilla. Snails and Clay -baked Trout A Game Of Thrones . cover with garlic butter. Roast. honey and herb butter. We are spying on Joffrey and Sansa sharing a meal. dried or fresh. so I took 3 to experiment. Third snail: see second snail. . I used Mary's Grass. Put back into shell. which is more common with incense sticks than with food. remove snail from shell and cover it with a mixture of grated peccorino. Use sparsely. grated bread crumbs. it has a taste that is close to vanilla. anyway. I despise snails. Afterwards.241 - . Roast. but cover with a mixture of thyme. put back into shell. small spinach leaves 50 g of sweetgrass (*) 4 medium big plums 3 tbs of crushed nuts/seeds (**) 100 ml of basic vinaigrette (***) Snails: This is difficult. 299: the tourney of The Hand. Second snail: boil for a couple of minutes. lemon-grass and honey. Salad: 250 g of fresh. (*) there's many variants of sweetgrass available.

Here's what she told me .the clay covering should have hardened out! Serve with's the link for those of you that read German . Salt only slightly. bypass fins. Sit them upright in the oven on a tray (use small pebbles in their bellies to enable sitting upright). whatever you prefer). butter. extra virgin .while still mixing. salad.I was out of ideas. cleaned and so on enough fresh or preserved grape leaves to cover those trout a mixture of herbs. salt.but you decide! Trout.the term is 'raku clay' ? Stuff the belly of the fish with the mixture of butter. (***) basic vinaigrette: put a bit of coarse sea-salt into a bowl. Bake for 45 minutes . porridge-like texture. same for freshly ground black pepper (setchuan is nice). herbs.whatever you like most) should be roasted without the addition of fat or oil. Cover the fish with grape leaves.toscana cold pressed. gutted. Honey is extremely good .here's what she gave me . ETA: I did 180 degree C in the oven. Add white balsamico vinegar. roasted in an open fire! 2 freshly caught trout. There's a recipe in German on the web.well. .double the amount of vinegar. When the consistency gets 'thicker'. soy-seeds. Mix the clay with water until you get a smooth.242 - . pumpkin-seeds . snails and cutlery that enables you to crack the clay cover. mostly . Cover the fish with said mixture.(**) all crushed nuts or seeds (walnuts. but it tells of FAIL . baked in clay Since I finished AGOT. Slowly pour in fine olive oil . I was wondering how to go about that. pepper to stuff the trouts belly 1 kg of a river-clay mixture without any additions . Add white wine . Mix with a fork until the salt has dissolved. salt and pepper.and it actually worked!! Even in a normal oven! How much better would this be. Add mustard (honeyed or with herbs. you can decide what to add next. so I went to a professional potter and asked for advice. Careful about that! Go around the top of the fish from head to tail.

Stir the baking powder and salt into the flour. ) . Put the batter into muffin tins that have been lined with medium-sized cupcake papers. it will not pour nicely. Add the lemon rind and mix well. (175 C) Mix butter and sugar well. Add to the butter/sugar/egg mixture.Jjh . alternately with the milk. and heat it up in the microwave until the sugar is dissolved. or 1 stick) 1 cup white sugar (250 ml) 2 eggs Grated rind of 1 lemon ½ cup whole milk* (125 ml) 1 ½ cups all-purpose flour (375 ml) 1 teaspoon baking powder (5 ml) Pinch of salt *You could probably use any kind of milk (except chocolate Preheat oven to 350 F. The mixture will be thick. Start checking for doneness after about 13 minutes. You will have enough batter for about 16 cakes. Don’t worry that they’re not smooth on top.e. Bake for 15-20 minutes. Add eggs to the mixture and beat until light and fluffy. Glaze: While the cakes are baking. After removing from oven. no batter clinging to it).243 - . run a knife around the edges of each cake and transfer them to a wire rack to cool.Sansa: Lemon Cakes ½ cup butter (125 ml. They will bake faster in a dark pan. Mix well. Brush this onto the cakes while they are still warm. About 45 seconds. The cakes are done when the edges are golden and a metal skewer or toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean (i. Use 2 soup spoons and glop it in as best you can using one spoon to scoop and the other to scrape. squeeze the juice out of the lemon into a glass bowl. add 2 tablespoons of sugar (30 ml). Fill the cups about ¾ full. they will even out as they bake.

When done. finely chopped 1 tbs mustard 1 tbs of soft butter 1 shallot. For the sake of this recipe. mash them with whatchamacallit. Cut the lamb to pieces. sauce of the turnip. mix bread crumbs. slice after slice and let melt. chopped herbs. I will assume this. finely chopped another twig of rosemary. Threefinger Hobb has prepared a special meal for the newbies. whether 'rack of lamb' means the same as 'baron d'agneau'. if you correct me when I am 445: we are sitting in the common hall of Castle Black. When hot (cooking ever so slightly) put in some of the butter. each 300 g 2 tbs olive oil with 2 pressed garlic bulbs mixed in it freshly ground pepper (tellicherry) freshly ground sea salt 1 big twig of fresh rosemary a small bushel of twigs of fresh thyme 150 g of bread-crumbs. pepper and mustard. Add soft butter and season to taste. finely ground (white bread. Serve with sprig of ming on the lamb. Jon and his mates have been assigned their future jobs and to honour the occasion. roasted) a couple of parsley twigs. sear in oil in a pan for about a minute or so. Bake in the oven at 180 degrees C for about 10 minutes. For the record . Would be honoured though.Jon: Roast Lamb Rack With A Crust Of Herbs A Game Of Thrones . Put on a platter and place the first mentioned complete thyme and rosemary twigs atop the lamb. For the sauce. salt. 4 portions of baron d'agneau. put on the herb coating like this and roast in the oven at 200 degree C. butter. small slices.244 - . mix port with lamb stock and the shallot. though I tried to compare pictures of the two in google. . finely chopped a couple of chervil twigs. finely chopped another twig of thyme. Cook the turnips.I am unsure. For the crust. finely chopped port 100 ml lamb stock 4 twigs of fresh mint yellow turnips butter Season lamb with salt and pepper.

beware) deglaze the pan. Add all the herbs/spices and one teaspoon of salt and some ground pepper.) erhm. Heat oil in pot. cloud . Neither flour or orther pastry thingies. and deftly so.cleaned. Heat up the soup again. peeled and chopped beef stock 1 tbs ground sweet hungarian paprika dry.245 - . so nobody is going to notice . Summer Greens Salad.. Pour the broth through a sieve clothed with kitchen paper. they should be brown(ish). sliced a bunch of the other celery . chopped 4 carrots. Clear Oxtail Soup: 3-4 tbs olive oil or "Butterschmalz" 1. Sqash and Butter Quails A Clash Of Kings . trash-bin the vegetables. occasionally stir. scraping up all the browned bits. . o. Add the red wine and the beef stock (upcoming steam. cleaned and sliced 2 onions. Remove the meat from the bones and chop into bite sized pieces.5 kg ox tail bones 1 kg bones of the Others (nobody ever reads these recipes.and is giving a small feast to Slynt (hi Slynt) in the Tower of The Hand. Clean and chop your vegetables. If the soup has too watery a consistency. Throw the vegetables in and roast for several minutes. Season to taste using one of the various alcoholic bits I listed.. like calf etc. No cream goes into this soup. red wine salt pepper bay leaves 3 whole cloves 3 juniper berries 1 stalk fresh thyme or 1 tsp. you did someting wrong (the cooked bones should provide enough material to give the soup a 'body'). Crab Pie.Tyrion: Oxtail 123: Tyrion has just signed up 'the best cook in Kings Landing' no name . Discard the rest of the bones and cartilage. Remove the bones to a platter to cool. Let simmer at minimum heat for 3 . The new cook delivers. bones for soup. chopped 1 parsley root or parsnip. 2 leeks.4 hours or more.k. dried thyme leaves 2 birbs eye chillies (optional) a bunch parsley cognac/dry sherry/madeira Start this a day before serving it: Wash bones and dry.

small spinach leaves 100 g of mizuna 100 g of arugula a handful of pecan nuts (roasted without oil. Continue until soft.poke it with a sharp knife then . The birds should be brown! . Put the mixture into the pie shell evenly.If in serious trouble. Crab Pie 1/2 carrot 2 tbs butter 3 spring onion twigs. Put the lemon-pepper onto the quails. chopped into 2 cm slices (diagonally) a bunch of fresh dill a bunch of fresh basil 0. Sqash: I trust. Pour over the pie. slightly salted) 50 g of peccorino (or -if you insist. Preheat your oven to 220 degrees C. In a pan. If completely insane. try to make your own . add the vinaigrette. dill. Summer Greens 100 g of fresh.246 - . Throw in crab meat and stir.see upthread (alternative: add some other small-leaved salads. Casually throw on some before you pour the vinaigrette. Stir remaining ingredients into a soupy consistency. Put a fine layer of it onto the quails. Add spring onion. consider adding some can possibly get it in the bakery. Heat your oven to 170 degrees C. Roast for about 20 minutes. slice the cheese finely and put the slices on top of all. Add carrot. basil.just for the look of it) The works: wash. cook butter until slightly brown. You want croutons? Be my guest.if the knife is clean.though personally I think the claim of the superior taste is bullshit) basic vinaigrette .. the pie is done. dry and mix leaves.parmiggiano reggiano .5 kg of crab meat (no shells on it) 4 eggs sherry salt pepper (tellicherry) mustard A ready baked pie-shell . Bake for some 45 minutes or so . crumble some roasted nuts over it. everybody knows how to do this? Quails in butter 4 quails lemon pepper (*) 3 bs butter one or more lemon Warm up the butter. that have leaves of a more reddish colour . Remove from heat source.. stir.

Put the peel onto a layer of sea salt and let dry for a day or so (do not throw away the salt.k. Grind the dry lemon peel mixed together with tellicherry pepper corns. Use to season steaks and fowl. This is o. Personally. .247 - . (*) make your own: take the peel of some ecologic lemons . it is still useful).Some press some lemon-juice over the birds while roasting. I prefer cognac.DO NOT CUT INTO THE WHITEISH LAYER (otherwise the thing will turn bitter).

apprx. instead they salt the goose on the outside.. 1 goose . Bronn is delivering an invitation of Lady Tanda's to yet another dinner: a hunch of venison and goose stuffed . Salt. Brush the outside of the goose sparesly with honey. Come the morning. A Clash Of Kings .. Roast goose for at least another 6-7 hours. Put the goose onto a platter and water into the pot the goose has been roasting in.and .. You can do this over night. clear water. Some people do not use honey. they are awesome) 6 slices of toasted white bread 250 g of roasted chestnuts 3 twigs of the other celery. Chop toast into small pieces (no more than 1 cm). Put all this into a bowl and mix. Put the goose into the oven and roast for at least an hour. Put mulberries and sugar into the food processor and mix. No way to gull. By this time....everybody can do that . Same with apple. Personally. the goose on the patter goes back into the oven to be re-heated to 180 degrees C. roast gull . Reduce heat. 5 kg 1 very big onion 1 fine big apple (try yellow Chinese. apply same procedure to chestnuts and the onion. pepper. Same with the finely grated innards of the goose you have been putting away earlier. I leave it as is and put the mush into the boiling sauce. Add salt. thyme. Put the mixture inside the goose and sew shut. spoon by spoon.. Wash and chop celery into fine slices. Pour in armagnac to taste. Preheat your oven to 220 degrees C. Clean all the innards carefully and mix in a food-processor until very fine.. Serve with dumplings made of raw potatoes and red cabbage with plums in it.Mulberry Tyrion: Goose Stuffed . Some would now go and sieve the mush to get the seeds out. Scrap everything into the water and pour it into a pot. the goose should be done. .with mulberry sauce . see upthread all the innards of the goose a healthy bunch of fresh thyme salt pepper pine honey mulberries sugar armangnac Rinse the goose (inside and out) with cold.. Cook. Put somewhere cool. I also skipped Sallador Shan's stuffed 265: we are listening in on a conversation between Tyrion and Bronn. Reduce heat to 80 degrees C.248 - . With Mul berry Sauce and . The sauce should only simmer ever so slightly. I am skipping a roast hunch of venison . Lollys of course. ergh. Your choice. Hm.. if you have the appropriate devices on your oven.

anybody? Please? Help! 500 g venison steak (use New Zealand deer! It's marvelous) 2 tbs coarse sea salt. It is a good idea to cover the inside of those pots with an extremely thin layer of fat (oil). except for the fruit-soup. Add to the bowl. so steam might evaporate. they are still good. The salt is apt to drain water from the medium closest to it. Delicous hot. but nearly as good cold. Break the egg. if you can get it 1 tsp black pepper corns . peeled venison stock olive oil 1 egg. The finer. . Reduce heat to 180 degrees C and continue baking for 40 minutes.inside the meat! Add some 0. Heat.5 l water to the pan. Make sure to poke very small holes into the lid. Do not (!) salt it before searing. I shall skip a few things: aurochs roasted with leeks . Beat the yolk and use to glaze the pies. I am still considering pigeon . this time some 3 cm fresh ginger. The duck. But like with everything else. Grind the sea salt. I'll do the 324: We have joined Bran in the great hall in Winterfell where he is receiving all his brother's banner(wo)men on the occasion of a harvest-feast. Put some oil into a cast iron pan. Put in the oven and bake for 10 minutes. I am almost as horrible on deserts as I am in baking. Clad some small porcelain pots with the dough .is always the meat.set some aside to make lids. Preheat oven to 200 degrees C. add salt and let boild for a couple of minutes. the pepper corns and the ginger into a fine paste. Part I: Venison Pie A Clash Of Kings . The goose is above. You can preserve this. some of the broth you have left now. deep-freeezing it.of. set aside to cool.249 - . if you prefer. make your own. but do not mince. Chop the meat into squares of less than 1 cm. so you will be able to get the pies out easily. Use that to fasten the lids to the pots.wait and see. that goes for all roast meat. Fill the meat into the pots. which when cooking . We cannot have that! The juices of the meat stay where they are meant to be . Fish out the meat. Put in a bowl. Add some venison stock . Separate the whiteish part from the yolk. Actually.until then: dream on .Tasmanian again. the better. not before.Bran: A Feast At Winterfell. Ready made pastry dough: if you are good at it. Sear the meat. Salt when done. Fruit-soup. with herbs in it. but not excellent. because we already have one. Cover with a dough-lid.for the obvious reason: show me an aurochs bit for sale somewhere and I'll do it . Mix. once thawed again. so here's where I need help again.

Part II: Honeyed Mutton Chops A Clash Of Kings . Put olive oil into a pan and heat. Still there.Bran: A Feast At Winterfell. 500 g mutton chops 2 tbs fresh rosemary 2 tbs of spiced mustard (try honeyed dijon) 2 tbs of fresh mint leaves 1/2 tbs of freshly ground black pepper (tellicherry) olive oil Mix the herbs and the honey into kinda paste. It should be done by then.250 - . Turn chops and repeat procedure. 20 minutes at the utmost. Apply honey-herb mixture to the chops and continue searing. . Sear mutton chops for a minute on bot 324: We have joined Bran in the great hall in Winterfell where he is receiving all his brother's banner(wo)men on the occasion of a harvest-feast.

. eerrghh. Still there. chopped 3 peppers. Put the animals (cleaned. 2 pigeons (don't get wild ones . but this is necessary). Fry the strips of aubergine gently until browned and add all of the above to the casserole that contains the know the works) in a casserole. finely sliced 2 cloves garlic.the bred ones are better watched and usualy healthchecked. garlic. While this is not a low-temparature method dish. peppers. Simmer for an hour. rinsed in cold water . finely chopped 1 aubergine Slice the aubergine into 1 cm strips. 324: We have joined Bran in the great hall in Winterfell where he is receiving all his brother's banner(wo)men on the occasion of a harvest-feast. so it will later on not be sucking up any oil or fat. butter. Let rest for an hour or so.251 - . I want. flodros. Part III: Roast Pigeon A Clash Of Kings . This is what we. see upthread) 1 kg small. it still cannot hurt to have healthy pigeons to begin with) 50 g butter 100 g cooked pearl barley a bunch of dill. Fry the onion and garlic until soft and add the tomatoes. very strong tomatoes. crushed (take the Chinese one-bulb ones. chopped 1 onion. The salt draws the moisture from the aubergine (sorry. Stuff the birds with the barley. Put coarse sea salt on the strips and all of that onto a kitchen paper.Bran: A Feast At Winterfell. salt. Brown in the oven at 180-200 degrees C until brown. sliced 3 birds eye chillies.

Cook until potatoes are fork tender. Pour in beef or chicken stock. Sautee garlic for no more than a minute. Heat cast iron pot (cast iron is the best for this but a stainless steal pot will work fine) on medium low heat. I save every beef bone and freeze until I have enough to make stock. The longer you cook. quarter a large onion. drop in some whole peppercorns. break up some carrots.Generic Westeros Stew for the Smallfolk 1-2 pounds stew meat. Simply put bones in a stockpot. DO NOT BROWN -. maybe quarter up a tomato if you want. Pour in wine and scrape up bits from the bottom. fresh thyme branches. stirring constantly. Lower heat to a simmer and season with 1/2 tsp fresh thyme and salt. minced 1 Tbs dried cayenne pepper 1 Tbs dried oregano 1 Tbs dried thyme 1/2 tsp Kosher salt 1 tsp freshly ground black pepper 1/4 cup dry white wine 1/2 tsp fresh thyme. cut a whole bulb of garlic in half across the middle.Geshtar . (I also like to add a few pieces of sliced ginger for a "secret" ingredient. Add meat to pot and saute until brown. celery stalks.252 - . If you want a quick. leaves only Optional ingredients: 1 small turnip.) Bring to a boil and simmer all day. pepper. skimming the foam and scum off the top as needed. and more cayenne to taste. Dredge meat pieces on flour until well coated. chopped 2 stalks celery. but store bought is fine. then fill the pot almost to the top with water. about a pound or too. shoulder or "butt" for pork) 2 large carrots. chopped in bite size pieces 2 Tbs olive oil 1 cup all-purpose flour 3 cups beef or chicken stock (beef for beef and chicken for pork) 3 cloves garlic. This is best with homemade beef stock. Add olive oil. sliced in rings 2 Yukon gold potatoes. Saute onions until translucent. . chopped in bite size pieces Handful of small button mushrooms. mash a few of the potatoes against the sides of the pot to thicken stew. cut into bite-size pieces (chuck for beef.garlic will turn bitter and ruin the stew. destemmed Mix dried seasonings well in flour until fully incorporated. the thicker your stew will be. Add remaining ingredients. chopped 1 large or 2 medium yellow onions. thick stew.

I used gilthead . come the morrow. Serve as is . Worst case: sew 348: Renly's tourney in the vicinity of Highgarden is at an end. the flesh of which is very firm and the size is not overly large can be used 1 kg of coarse sea salt . Put on a baking tray and make some fish-shaped hollows into it . could be sardines. Part I: Tiny Fish in Salt Crust A Clash Of Kings . Catelyn attends.adjust to the size of the fish you are using.however you do it. Put the fish in and cover with a layer of the salt-mixture. could be anchovy .253 - .the salt crust should be opened at table . Baguette. grind the pepper.any fish. 500 g of fresh and complete 'tiny fish'. .or: as a general rule 2 kg salt per 1 kg fish fresh thyme fresh oregano fresh rosemary freshly ground black pepper 1 eggwhite 100 ml water Preheat your oven to 200 degree C. Arbor Gold and fresh green salads go with this one. Another feast is in the making. Put the tray in the oven for 30 minutes.Renly's Tourney. Switch off the heat and let the fish 'rest' for another 10 minutes (with the oven open). the skin has to cover the the hole. only the skin! This is tricky on the belly . Fill the bellies of the fish with the mixture. hoping to talk some sense into Renly. Mix salt. CAUTION: make sure the salt does not touch the meat of the fish. Chop the herbs finely. eggwhite and water.make sure your cutlery is up to the task. Brienne has received her rainbow cloak.

dice garlic and celery.75 l of vinegar . Put in the venison and cover with the marinade. Another feast is in the making. tellicherry pimenta cloves bay leaves 0. March into the cellar and dig out big earthenware bowl with lid. Mix aceto balsamico or crema di balsamico with a mild vinegar 0. After that. pour the content of the bowl into a big cast iron pot (or kettle or something). Otherwise: use the fridge.75 l water 0. This time of year with temperatures around -1 to 5 degrees C I place the bowl on the 348: Renly's tourney in the vicinity of Highgarden is at an end. Put in the rest of the ingredients (not the meat). chop herbs finely. The meat marinades for 2 days (in words: two days).5 kg venison (shoulder . Catelyn attends. come the morrow. Put on the lid.) 2 big onions 2 big carrots 2 stalks celery 2 cloves Chinese garlic a bunch of fresh basil a small bunch of fresh parsley sea salt with herbs freshly ground pepper.254 - .5 l dark beer 75 ml olive oil Vegetables: slice carrot and onion. Chop the venson in bite-size pieces. . After 30 minutes stand it aside to cool. Put a little of the oil into a big cast iron pot and saute.CAUTION: do not get too sour.. Part II: Venison stewed in Beer A Clash Of Kings .. 1. hoping to talk some sense into Renly. Bring to boil slowly then reduce heat and let simmer for a couple of hours.Renly's Tourney. Brienne has received her rainbow cloak.

but what the heck! I am skipping a few dishes (most of them in ACOK): lamprey pie for one . Not going to get caught whilst aiming my crossbow at a swan in a public park. This is a lazy day.k. . tomatoes. Heat the oil in a pan and use to fry the meat and onions for about 10 minutes.255 - . Top-up the liquid level with stock. bring to a simmer and cook for a further 30 minutes. O.Lady Smallwood is the host. 900g mutton (or lamb) 3 large onions olive oil 1 tbsp flour 900g fresh tomatoes 4 medium potatoes 1 tsp fresh mint a small bunch of parsley (garnish) 225g chanterelle mushrooms 2 large fresh Thai birds-eyes chillies 250ml mutton or strong lamb stock Tomatoes and meat go to bite sized cubes.With Arya: Mutton Wi th Mushrooms A Storm Of Swords . mint and parsley finely chopped. cover and cook gently for 30 minutes before adding the potatoes and mint. 2. Onions. I have a hard time imaging bringing the three ingredients to a harmony. mushrooms. or until well browned. one of which we are eating. And that recipe is a work: here's one of my favs. Skipping on roast swan stuffed with oysters and mushrooms.cooksunited?? I'm going to hunt down the link later). Simmer for a further 30 minutes (add stock. garnished with chopped parsley. as necessary) then add the mushrooms and chillies. Sprinkle the flour over the top and stir to combine then add the tomatoes (and their juice).) they are YUK! (ate one when I was a small kid). I will get nothing can no longer buy them legally. Thoros has made her a gift of several sheep. chillies. A co-worker of mine originates in Bulgaria and she gave me this recipe (which she also posted somewhere .page 305: we are sitting at the table at Acorn Hall .for two reasons: 1. .) endangered species . much more YUK than eel. Serve. Bring the mixture to a simmer.

Easy. Roast the gammon steaks for a couple of minutes on each side (2-3 min).Tyrion: Gammon Steaks A Storm Of Swords . Tyrion is attending with Sansa at his side. Reduce heat to a 802: the breakfast with the Queen just before Joffrey's wedding. Put the olive oil in a pan and heat.256 - . Add the rest of the ingredients and simmer until the sauce is thickened. huh? . 2 gammon steaks 5 pimentos. peeled . We are located in the Queens Ballroom and Joffrey is about to be given his the juice from it 1 tbs honey 2 tbs soy sauce olive oil Rub the pimento-powder on the steaks. finely grounded 1 red thai birds eye chillie. finely chopped 1/2 orange.

Next up: Joffrey's Wedding Feast (all there is of it) and then I'm done. The description of the dish is so generic . coriander and chilli and stir round the pan for a second or two so they soften a little.257 - . Cheese and Eggs A Storm Of Swords .could be anything..Tyrion: Something Dornish with Onion. Heat the oil in a small frying pan then tip in the onion. So I choose the Pakistani style. finely chopped twigs of fresh coriander some grated cheese . Pour in the eggs and keep them moving until two thirds have scrambled. Tyrion is attending with Sansa at his side. Serve on roasted and buttered bread. scatter over the cheese and cook for about a minute until the omelette is just set and the cheese has melted. So.cheddar is nice. 1 spring onion 2 large eggs 1 red birds eye chillie.. We are located in the Queens Ballroom and Joffrey is about to be given his presents. it melts perfectly. Settle the eggs back down on the base of the pan. .page 802: the breakfast with the Queen just before Joffrey's wedding. olive oil pepper salt Chop the spring onion and coriander quite finely and beat the eggs together with salt and pepper. Time ADWD showed up .

drained and coarsely chopped 2 sun dried tomatoes (about 1 tbsp). Fill the center of the flattened pork with the spinach-prosciutto filling. . taking care not to tear the flesh. Sauté until spinach is just wilted. washed. Remove toothpick or kitchen string and set aside until cool enough to be wrapped in the puff pastry. This I have straight out of the interwebz. Open out and beat flat with a mallet. Place pork tenderloin in the center of the pastry and wrap it snugly around the pork. Roll out the puff pastry into a rectangle big enough to enclose the pork. Serve with buttered vegetables. about 600 gr ( about 1 1/4 lb) 400 gr (14 oz) ready made puff pastry salt and freshly ground pepper 1 egg beaten with a 1 tbsp of water parchment paper to line baking sheet Defrost puff pastry at room temperature for 2 hours. finely chopped 2 slices prosciutto. Tyrion is attending with Sansa at his side. Let it rest for about 10 minutes before slicing it. 125 gr (about 1/2 cup) onion. Brush edges with the egg wash and pinch them together. Cut 2-3 slits on the top to let the steam escape. Butterfly pork tenderloin length ways without cutting straight through. sun dried tomatoes. finely chopped 2 tbsp olive oil 2 tbsp butter 1 pork tenderloin. finely chopped 60 gr (about 3 cups) loosely packed spinach 802: the breakfast with the Queen just before Joffrey's wedding. Heat 1 tbsp olive oil and 1 tbsp butter in a skillet over high medium heat. Secure it down with toothpicks or tie it with kitchen strings.before the Wedding Feast. Dough should be flexible. One more . Line baking sheet with parchment paper.the last . Use any excess pastry and use for decoration purposes. Add the spinach. Heat remaining 1 tbsp olive olive and 1 tbsp butter in saucepan over medium high heat and gently brown pork tenderloin on all sides for 6-8 minutes. Close pork tenderloin pressing it down gently and removing any filling excess. Make sure that pastry seam is on the underside. if you like. but still cold when wrapping the pork. We are located in the Queens Ballroom and Joffrey is about to be given his presents. prosciutto. Add onion and garlic to the skillet and sauté for 2-3 minutes or until onion is translucent. finely chopped 1 garlic cloves. courtesy to Chez Basilic . Bake it for about 30 minutes or until puff pastry is nicely brown. Season with salt and pepper.tested and approved of. taking care that filling does not squirt off the center.Tyrion: Pork Tenderloin in Puff Pastry A Storm Of Swords .258 - . Set mixture aside to cool. Preheat oven 190°C (375°F).

) Add milk and cream. crushed 1/4 cup chopped parsley 2 green the ingredients and the preparation read as if that could be good. 4. untested (no more snails for me). melt 4 Tbs butter at medium heat. garlic. chopped 1/2 cup onion. chicken stock and simmer 20 minutes.) Add salt and pepper to taste. The recipe sounds good and both.Mushrooms Joffrey: The Wedding Feast. stir in flour. onion.259 - . chopped 1/4 cup white wine (optional) 1. Course I: Creamy Soup of M ushrooms and Buttered Snails A Storm Of Swords . 3. 6. parsley and green onion in remaining butter (1-2 minutes only).) In another pot. 5. 2. chopped 4 cups chicken stock 6 tablespoons butter 1/4 cup flour 1 cup milk 1 cup light cream 1 (6 ounce) can escargot.) Add to soup with wine . I'll do a straight copy/paste. cook stirring constantly until thickened and 818. # # # # # # # # # # # # 2 1/2 cups mushrooms.) Combine mushrooms. drained and chopped 2 garlic cloves. 7.) Stir mushroom-chicken stock mixture into sauce.) Saute escargot. This is straight out of the interwebz. courtesy of food.

.you should make 7 fine layers but make sure you leave enough to form a lid. buy the one with red stalks for optics) 1 tbs dried marjory 200 g smoked pork 400 g buffalo-ricotta 7 eggs Let the puff pastry thaw and roll it. Yeah. Poke 4 holes into the mixture .evenly spaced.260 - . You want to stick to ASoIaF literally. On top of that goes a generous layer of parmesan. 2 packages of frozen puff pastry dough freshly ground parmesan 1 kg leaf beet (if you can get. Use a fork or something to poke small holes into the lid (so that steam may evaporate . Prepare a spring form with a little fat. Preheat oven to 200 degrees C. Chop extremely fine. well: throw some into the veg-mixture .page 819. . On top of each of the 7 layers paste a small amount of olive oil. Put leaves and stalks and half of your parmesan into a bowl. Some more oil to be brushed over the top. Another 7 fine layers of dough make the lid. Should be nicely golden when you take it out. Into the oven with the thingy for about one hour. Add marjory.Joffrey: The Wedding Feast. Wash the leaf beet and cook for a very short time in salted water. Egg and Pine Nuts A Storm Of Swords . Lay in the dough . Course II: Pastry Coffin with Pork. Pour out the water and press the leaves and dry them. ricotta. three of your eggs and finely chopped pork. Use a few of the read stalks and repeat procedure (for optics only). I omitted the pine nuts .I find them jarring in this context.. Pour an egg into each hole. pepper. Put in your veg-ricotta mix and smoothe. The vegetarians skip the can arrage them into some kind of design).

Stir in 820. flours. Combine oats. Place on prepared tray. Roast Wild Boar Ribs 1. beaten 500 g potatoes. dates. make five 1cm-deep slashes across top of loaf. spoon 2 tablespoons corn mixture into hot wok. 3 tbs olive oil Bring a pot of salted water to a boil. peeled and cubed 60 ml cream 45 g flour 2 cups kernesl of sweetcorn 1 egg white Sea salt freshly ground black pepper a bunch of fresh coriander leaves. Oatbread with Dates and Butter 180g coarse oatmeal 150g plain flour 160g wholemeal flour 1 teaspoon baking powder 1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda 1 teaspoon brown sugar (cane??) 140g coarsely chopped dates 55g coarsely chopped walnuts 430ml buttermilk butter. Remove from pan and drain on paper towels. Bake for 1 hour. walnuts and 1 teaspoon salt in a large bowl. Using a small knife. Course III: Intermezzo A Storm Of Swords .2 kg boar ribs 1 medium onion 2 bulbs of that Chinese garlic some twigs of fresh rosemary freshly ground Tasmanian pepper .261 - . Gently mix egg white into corn mixture and season with salt and pepper. Turn out onto a floured surface and knead into a 28cm loaf. place in a bowl and allow to cool slightly. Stir in buttermilk until mixture forms a ball. bicarbonate of soda. 2-3 minutes per side. corn and coriander. Sweetcorn Fritters Thai sweet chilli sauce. In a heavy-bottomed wok. Cook fritters until golden. for dipping 1 egg. Put egg white into a bowl and beat until soft peaks from. Add egg and cream and mix well. Drain well. warm oil over medium heat. baking powder.Joffrey: The Wedding Feast. 6-8 minutes. Grease a baking tray. sugar. to serve Preheat oven to 190°C . For each fritter. Add potatoes and cook until soft but not mushy.

freshly ground sea salt olive oil Clean up the boar ribs and dry in a paper towel. Prepare a marinade out of the rest of the ingrediets.262 - . Take the ribs out of the marinade and fire up your BBQ. Put the boar into the marinade and give it a break – a GRRM break for for 2 working days (=24 hours) should do the trick. finely chopped. Roast!!! .

Place the tray in a distance of about 10 cm under the broiler until the almonds turn a light. Pat down any excess almonds and bake for about 12 minutes. This can vary. then in the almond mixture. golden brown. salt. Dredge the fish in the flour. mix the egg and lemon juice from 1/2 lemon In a third dish. pepper and paprika in a shallow dish. Rub 2 tbs of the melted butter onto the bottom of a shallow baking tray. bread crumbs. rinsed and dried 3 tbs flour 4 tbs roasted bread crumbs 1 tsp paprika or fish seasoning 1 large egg beaten juice of half organic lemon sliced almonds fresh (!) minced Italian parsley salt and pepper to taste Preheat the oven to 200 degrees C. place the parsley and almonds. then in the egg mixture draining off any excess. . Place the fish in the shallow baking dish tray. Take care .page 820. In a separate dish. Combine 2 tbs melted butter and 2 tbs lemon juice for drizzling and set aside.263 - . Depends on the fish. it's size (in all dimensions).The Joffrey: Th e Wedding Feast. Course IV: Almond Crusted Trout A Storm Of Swords . Place the flour. 2 tbs melted butter 2 tbs melted butter and mixed with 2-3 tbs lemony lemony lemon juice for drizzling 2 rainbow trout filets.not too brown or the almonds will go bitter! Drizzle butter-lemon juice mix over the fish.

Curye on Inglish: English Culinary Manuscripts of the Fourteenth-Century (Including the Forme of Cury). & dysmembre hym on þe beste manere & mak a fayre chyne. All clear? copyright: Hieatt.Joffrey: The Wedding Feast. salte it. Þe sauce schal be mad of hym as a chaudon of gynger & of galyngale. Tak þe issu of þe swan & wasch it wel. .page 820. we have to look here: For to dihyte a swan. and Sharon Butler. New York: for The Early English Text Society by the Oxford University Press. & do on a spite & enarme hym fayre & roste hym wel. Which means. Þe heyroun schal be diyht as is þe swan and it come quyk to kechen. 1985. Tak & vndo hym & wasch hym. & coloure it with þe blood. & it is clept: Chaudon. & boyle it wel togydere in a postnet & sesen it with a litel vynegre. & seth þe issu al togedere til it be ynow. And when it is ysothe & ygrounde & streyned. & scoure þe guttes wel with salt. & þan tak it vp and wasch it wel & hew it smal. Course V: Roast Heron A Storm Of Swords . Constance B.264 - . & þat it be coloured with þe blood or with brende crustes þat arn tosted. & þe sauce þerto schal be mad in þis manere. & tak bred & poudere of gyngere & of galyngale & grynde togedere & tempere it with þe broth.