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By Robert Irwin Premature No More!! Some of the techniques within this book are sexually and emotionally powerful. Although these techniques and activities can have dramatically positive effects on your (and your spouse’s) physical and emotional well-being, people that have high blood pressure, heart disease or a generally weak condition should proceed slowly. If necessary, consult a physician before implementing any included techniques. Nothing within this publication should be considered medical advice. Premature No More™ is a publication of SPI Publications. Additional copies of this publication can be obtained at: www.christiansexhelp.com Copyright © 2000-2010. All rights are reserved and no reproduction or distribution of this publication can be made without express written authorization of the authors. 2 Premature No More!! Additional Christian Marriage And Sex Resources You can also find the following resources for improving your Christian marriage and sex life on www.ChristianSexHelp.com: Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband was written specifically for Christian husbands. It includes all of the latest scientific research regarding male sexual response, pleasure, and orgasms. Unlock the Vault Of A Lifetime of the Most Intense, Satisfying And Frequent Sex You’ve Ever Had...Sex That Leaves You Both Exhausted And Refreshed With Pleasure... And Bonds You Together Like "Relationship Super Glue"... Have Sex As God Intended For You And Your Wife...With Intensely Pleasurable Sexual Sensations And "Soul Bonding," Experiences That Can Only Be Found Within The Christian Marriage Bed. Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife is the perfect complementary book to Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband. It was written specifically to help Christian women to become more sexually responsive and fulfilled...no matter their past experiences. It includes all of the latest scientific research regarding female sexual response, pleasure, and orgasms. Learn how to unleash any woman's sexual response and satisfaction! Learn the secrets that have helped thousands of Christian women to go from non-orgasmic to multi-orgasmic! Susan Irwin has put together a step-bystep roadmap that will lead any woman to a more pleasurable and fulfilling sexual life. Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife 3 Premature No More!! Premature No More is the result of Robert's personal struggle with PE, early in his marriage and his subsequent overcoming of this issue. He has addressed the issue of PE in his other books…but never in this detail. There was so much ground to cover that he felt that it was necessary to create a resource specifically dedicated to overcoming PE. It contains the same step-by-step solution that he utilized to overcome his own problem with PE and is the same approach that he recommends to the men he personally coaches. The real message of this book is that there IS hope. If you are willing to learn and follow a few simple techniques, you CAN overcome premature ejaculation and its negative effects in your marriage and sex life. Premature No More When Your Husband Is Never In The Mood will give you support, comfort and, more importantly, solutions to help you help your husband to overcome his lack of sexual desire. If your husband struggles with a lack of sexual interest, this book is the answer. Co-written by Susan Irwin, this book provides all of the secrets to re-igniting any man's libido. Low male sexual desire is one of the biggest, yet least talked about, problems that many Christian marriages face. It causes untold frustration, pain and resentment within marriages. Fortunately, this is a problem that can be relatively quickly and easily overcome...if you utilize the right strategies and techniques...in the right way! This book has helped hundreds of couples to transform their married sex lives. When Your Husband Is Never In The Mood 4 Premature No More!! With Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions For Christian Couples, you won't have to settle for even one more boring night in your sex life. You'll learn the advanced sexual positions, tips, tricks and techniques that are the surest way of bringing fun, excitement and endless variety to your married sex life. Without a doubt, the biggest cause of marital and sexual frustration is...boredom! If you don't start making your sex life an adventurous journey, filled with new and exciting things to explore and do, neither of you are going to be all that excited about sex anymore. That is exactly why we have created a "first of its kind" new book, "Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions For Christian Couples." In just minutes from now, you can have the most comprehensive resource of fun, sexy and creative positions for Christian couples ever! Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions For Christian Couples Sexual Fun And Games For Christian Couples will help you to take the sexual part of your Christian marriage to the next level! In just minutes from now, you can have the most comprehensive resource of fun, sexy and creative sex ideas for Christian couples ever...right at your fingertips. This book includes...     Sexual Fun And Games For Christian Couples! Over 50 Ideas For "home made" sexual accessories. Over 30 Ideas For Exciting Sexual Environments. Over 200 Sex Games And Activities Over 100 Creative Lovemaking Techniques 5 Premature No More!! 300 Sex Questions For Christian Couples will be the "spark" that ignites the sexual passion in your marriage again! Before you can communicate, sexually, you need to learn how to communicate...verbally. The questions in this book are specifically designed to allow you and your spouse to learn everything possible about each other's sexual needs, desires, likes and dislikes. With 300 Sex Questions For Christian Couples, you will find it infinitely easier to learn your spouse's deepest, innermost thoughts and emotions regarding sex. And, we have proven, for over ten years, that the REAL first step to a better sex life is...better communication! The Keys To Better Sex In Christian Marriage Collection is the result of over a decade of our research, counseling and writing. It contains virtually every resource we offer: -Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband -Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife -Premature No More -When Your Husband Is Never In The Mood -The Ultimate Guide To The G Spot -Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions -Sexual Fun And Games -She Loves God, Me & Sex! -300 Sex Questions -101 Romantic Ideas -Sexy Coupons -Healing Touch Massage -The Art Of Kissing -The Keys To Better Sex Audio Outline 300 Sexual Questions For Christian Couples The Keys To Better Sex In Christian Marriage 6 Premature No More!! Table of Contents Introduction................................................................................................. 8 Chapter1: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” ................. 9 Chapter 2: A Word of Encouragement ...................................................... 13 Chapter 3: PE – The Common Causes........................................................ 15 In the Beginning... .................................................................................. 15 Theory #1: Performance Anxiety ........................................................ 16 Theory #2: Learned Behavior.............................................................. 17 Theory #3: Fatigue .............................................................................. 17 Theory #4: Insufficient Arousal ........................................................... 18 The Common Thread.............................................................................. 18 The Question.......................................................................................... 19 Chapter 4: The Next Step: The Test........................................................... 23 Theory #1 - Performance Anxiety ....................................................... 24 Theory #2 - Learned Behavior............................................................. 24 Theory #3 - Fatigue............................................................................. 24 Theory #4 - Insufficient Arousal .......................................................... 25 The Conclusion ....................................................................................... 25 First, some “don’ts”: .............................................................................. 26 Next, some suggestions:......................................................................... 27 Chapter 5: The Cure .................................................................................. 29 Step 1 - Evaluation and Awareness......................................................... 30 Step 2 - Controlling the AR ..................................................................... 33 Step 3 - Solo Exercises ............................................................................ 35 Step 3(a) - Adding Lubricant ................................................................... 37 Step 4 - Involving Your Wife: The Two C’s .............................................. 38 Step 5 - Wife Foreplay Exercises............................................................. 39 What Makes This Different ................................................................. 41 Step 6: Position-specific Intercourse ...................................................... 42 First, performance anxiety.................................................................. 44 Second, fatigue ................................................................................... 44 Third, lack of full arousal..................................................................... 44 Step 7: Progressing in Positions.............................................................. 46 You Made It! .............................................................................................. 47 7 Premature No More!! Introduction As you may know, my wife, Susan, and I have dedicated the last decade to helping Christian married couples to improve their marriages and sex lives. What you may not know is that, before we started this journey as accidental “sex experts,” we struggled with our own sex life. So, from the beginning, our approach to helping other couples was very much infused with the empathy that comes from having experienced the same problems and frustrations as the people that you are attempting to help. And, this is most true in the area of premature ejaculation. Early on in our marriage, in addition to other sexual problems, I struggled with a problem with PE. I have addressed the issue of PE in our other books…but never in a comprehensive way. There was so much ground to cover that I never felt that it made sense to focus more specifically on PE. But, over the past year, I have received so many letters and emails from Christian couples that are struggling with the devastating effects of PE on their marriages and sex lives that I felt it was necessary to provide a resource that will provide others with the same detailed, step-by-step solution that I utilized to overcome my problem with PE. It is also the same approach that I recommend to the couples which we personally coach. The real message of this book is that there IS hope. If you are willing to learn and follow the simple techniques that you are about to read, you CAN overcome premature ejaculation and its negative effects in your marriage and sex life. But, you, first, must have faith in yourself, your spouse and God. With a little bit of faith and the techniques in this book, you can, with us (and hundreds of other couples) declare, that you are “Premature No More!” I want to thank all of our readers and web visitors that helped us with the initial drafts of this book. Our goal was to provide you with a simple, easy-tounderstand and apply approach. And, we couldn’t have done it without all of the positive feedback and constructive criticism provided by all of you. 8 Premature No More!!  Chapter1: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” They say that all really great books have a really great opening line, and the opening line of Charles Dickens’s “A Tale of Two Cites” certainly falls into that category. But it also describes my sex life, and chances are it describes yours, too, if you’re reading this book. If you’re one of the millions of men who suffer from premature ejaculation, (which will be referred to as PE from this point on), then you know what I’m talking about. Those occasions that you have sex are some of the best times of your life, because let’s face it—sex is fun. It feels good. It makes a man feel like a man, a woman feel like a woman. But those occasions are also some of the worst times of your life, because let’s face something else as well: PE is torture. You wait and wait for opportunities to enjoy sexual pleasure, and then when it starts, it’s over in a matter of seconds, or at best a minute or two, and the way you’re left feeling afterward could be characterized as some of the worst times of your life. It truly is, “The best of times, and the worst of times.” It could very justifiably be asked, “Why another book on PE?” There is certainly no shortage of books available on the subject. They’ve been around for years. But the problem still exists for millions of men. It stands to reason that if the techniques put forth in those books worked, this wouldn’t be a problem anymore. But even apart from that, it would still be a valid question , unless there was something new to say. Fortunately, there is something new to say. Something new and hopeful, but based on current thought and information. The previous books that you’ve read and programs that you’ve tried are not that far off the mark. They’re close, but they don’t solve the problem, and therefore she arrives at the conclusion that he doesn’t care enough about her to take action that he’s satisfied with the way things are. Both husbands and wives can easily become completely focused on themselves, to the almost total exclusion of how this affects the other. Communication about the issue is rare; romance and passion disappear; sex becomes less and less 9 Premature No More!! frequent, (which only contributes to the man’s problem); and the never-ending cycle is in full swing. But it must be understood and accepted by both of you that this problem affects both the man and the woman, and it affects them equally. The way in which it affects each one is quite different, but the degree of emotional, physical and relational impact is equal. Men need to accept the way that this problem affects women. They need to admit what modern science is coming to understand: when women suffer constant sexual frustration it is not healthy in any way. It’s absolute torture to get aroused and excited and never fulfilled, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. We are just now beginning to understand the far reaching nature of this effect. An article written by Barbara Keesling, Ph. D., was published in the November ‘99 issue of Psychology Today and stated the following: “Because sexual arousal and orgasm involve an interplay of several body systems, it's well known that sex improves our breathing and circulation, resulting in bright eyes, a facial glow and shiny hair. Sex can also improve cardiovascular conditioning, strength, flexibility and muscle tone, and has been known to relieve the symptoms of specific medical conditions, such as menstrual problems, osteoporosis and arthritis. Arousal and orgasm also benefit our mental health. Because they cause the release of pleasure-inducing endorphins in the brain, they can relieve anxiety and depression, increase vitality and boost the immune system. Sex also creates an emotional and physical bond that is essential for social support.” Thus, men need to understand the physical and emotional ramifications of PE on their wives. The lack of release brought about by orgasm - the muscular release, the emotional release, and the release of endorphins in the brain – can have an adverse effect on her physically, and in her general sense of well-being and happiness. One study on human sexuality makes the following observation: 10 Premature No More!! “During orgasm, a number of brain chemicals are released: prolactin hormone, phenylethylamine (also found in chocolate) and endorphin. The latter two are addictive, and abstinence may result in cravings and mild depression.” These physiologically caused symptoms can also be present in the man, of course, but for different reasons. Yet, because of the constant sexual frustration the wife experiences, she loses her desire to have sex with him. She does not lose her sexual desire, she only loses her desire for this man. When that happens, the frequency of sexual relations declines, and the man begins to suffer from the same physically caused symptoms as the woman. Most women are aware of this, at least in principle, and perhaps only subconsciously, but have difficulty engaging in sex when there appears to be no hope that the end will be any different. A couple of clichés come to mind: “If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got.” And one of my favorites: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting the result to be different.” This lack of desire, and the lack of frequency that it causes, is difficult on both wives, and on the relationship. As difficult as it is, though, women must understand and accept that the total effect on their men goes far beyond the physical aspect. The ability to perform sexually contributes a large part of a man’s view of himself. After all, sex should be something that anyone can do. It’s not really complicated, it’s perfectly natural, and every single one of the media male role models that our society has put forward for the last 50 years could do it. This never happened to John Wayne, or Sean Connery, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mel Gibson, or Harrison Ford… (at least not that we know). Unfortunately, our society has come to the point where the men on the silver screen are the measuring stick that all of us use to evaluate our own masculinity. 11 Premature No More!! The result of that is that this standard of comparison makes men with PE feel small and unmanly. His inability to do something as simple and natural as having sex undermines his confidence, and it affects not only his relationship with his wife, but also his success in the world that he has to deal with every day, including his job. A lack of sexual confidence often translates to a lack of confidence in the workplace. “Bad in the bedroom, bad in the boardroom”, as they say. Not to mention the fact that a good man’s deepest desire, his ultimate goal, is to make his wife happy, not to make her miserable. He has a sexual need, and in the process of meeting that sexual need he tortures his wife, and he knows it. The conflict between his need for sex and the feeling created by having sex tears a man apart side. Women need to understand that if he never mentions this problem, it’s not because he’s unaware of how it makes them feel. It’s because the level of humiliation, embarrassment and depression that he’s feeling makes it almost impossible for him to talk about it. This is especially compounded in men who’ve tried all the conventional “fixes”, found that none of them worked, and they’ve given up hope. As you can see, this is not a problem that affects one person greater than the other. This is a problem that is manifested in men, but it affects men; it affects women; and it affects other relationships. It should be said, however, that it doesn’t affect all relationships. There are millions of couples who live with this problem who find other avenues for sexual fulfillment for the woman. Sexual intercourse is not the only way for many women to achieve a satisfying orgasm. Those couples are happy, and genuinely satisfied with their sex life. They’ve accepted their own personal reality. But if that were you, you probably wouldn’t be reading this book. If you’re the woman, you might be thinking, “Yeah, those things are good, but I’d really like to have longer lasting intercourse, too!” If you’re the man, you might be thinking, “I agree - but whatever we do, I want it to last longer.” Well, I have good news for both of you – this problem can be cured. The cure is going to start, however, with the two of you forgiving each other and going forward, and not looking back at what’s gone before. The woman is going to have to forgive the man for this problem, because he can’t help it. It’s not his fault, as we’ll see. The man is going to have to forgive the woman for not wanting to have sex as often as he does. It’s not her fault, it’s a natural reaction. All of the resentment, all of the bitterness, all of the ill feelings that have built up 12 Premature No More!! in both of you over time because of this problem will have to be laid down, and the two of you will have to go forward together, committing to each other to conquer this problem with love and teamwork.  Chapter 2: A Word of Encouragement There are some women who are reluctant to be involved in the process of the cure. Because of the way that they’re wired, psychologically and emotionally, they feel that there’s something inherently wrong with taking what should be a beautiful and natural act and turning it into “physical therapy”. You may have even tried some of the common treatments already. You may have tried the “stop-start” technique, the “squeeze” technique, or other various “exercises” designed to help a man learn to control himself longer and longer over time. And again, if you’re reading this book, that probably means that those things didn’t work for you. There’s a reason for that, which we’ll see later. My point here is two-fold. One, if you’re tried those things and they left a bad taste in your mouth, I understand, and you’ll find that the exercises that I put forward try to keep the process of the cure as much in the context of typical sexual relations as possible. But my other point, and it’s an important one, is this: Yes, some of the actions necessary to achieve the cure may seem a little unnatural, a little unromantic. But look fast forward a little. Wouldn’t it be worth a few weeks of something less than natural in order to achieve a whole lifetime of better sex? Isn’t it worth a few weeks of sacrifice in return for years of pleasure? Let me give you a crude analogy. Imagine that you enjoying nature together, walking through the forests and over the mountains. It’s the best time you spend with each other, and you look forward to it. You think about it while you’re at work, while you’re driving in your car, while you’re puttering around the house… you look forward to the time that you get to spend with him out in nature, enjoying it and each other. 13 Premature No More!! Then one day he has an accident and blows out his knee. It was no one’s fault, it just happened. You’ve been to the doctor and the prognosis is good, but it’s going to take some time. For the next six to eight weeks, you’re going to have to take him walking, but every time you go, he’s going to have to lean on you. All of a sudden what used to be a beautiful and natural act, hiking through the forest, has become an exercise. What used to be your favorite thing to do, you now have trouble looking forward to. But you do it. You do it because you love him, and because you know that in a relatively short time what used to be beautiful and natural will be beautiful and natural again, if you’ll just help him through this time. That’s what this is like. You’d help him through physical therapy if his knee went out, or if his back went out, or if he had a heart attack or a stroke, right? Help him with this. If you will, what should be beautiful and natural can be beautiful and natural again. The two of you can go forward together, and your relationship will be stronger because of the love and forgiveness that you showed toward each other and because of the companionship and generosity that this will bring out in the two of you, and you will reap the rewards of this labor in almost every aspect of your life. 14 Premature No More!! Chapter 3: PE – The Common Causes I suffered with this problem for years. I’ve been to a sex therapist. I’ve been to a urologist and an impotency clinic. I’ve bought self-hypnosis tapes, I’ve bought books and books and more books. I’ve bought creams and ointments and devices…but there was never a cure. Not only was there not a cure, but nothing seemed to even help at all. There was a complete lack of anything that even resembled progress. However, with the advent and growth of the Internet, I was able to expand my research capabilities beyond what I found in bookstores. I could access information previously only found in medical libraries and research facilities. I have to say up front that I am not a doctor, I’m not a scientist, I’m not a sex therapist… I’m just a regular guy who had a problem and went looking for a cure. I’m not brilliant, but I’m not dumb either, and I was able to understand fairly well what the researchers were talking about. What you’re about to read is the fruit of that search. This was my journey; this is my cure, and I believe it’s your cure as well. In the Beginning... As I read the various theories about the causes of PE, everything the researchers said seemed to make perfect sense. I’d read something and think, “Yeah, that sounds right. That must be it!” Then I’d try it, and that wasn’t it. You may have been through that process and shared my frustration. If you have, I feel for you. It’s quite an emotional roller coaster to have your hopes raised and dashed time after time after time, and most likely with each new attempt at a cure your wife was less and less willing to participate. You may feel completely alone at this point. All I can say is – Don’t give up! This is new, and it worked for me. What I found as I researched is that there were four basic theories regarding the causes of PE put forth by researchers, one of them being fairly new. The interesting thing is that the four supposed causes are completely different, and in some ways contradictory to each other. I know that as you’re reading this, you’re thinking, “Just get to the cure.” But if you’re going to understand the cure, you need to understand the problem and what causes it. 15 Premature No More!! So I’d like to briefly examine each of the four theories of what causes of PE, and also look at the shortcomings of those theories, (no pun intended). Theory #1: Performance Anxiety The theory goes something like this: The man is nervous about having sex, or about his performance in bed, for whatever the reason. The reasons are many, but they don’t matter. Even though consciously he wants sex to last as long as possible, consciously he wants to please his wife, subconsciously he wants it to be over before he does something “wrong” and gets laughed at or criticized. The analogy that I was given by a sex therapist is one of a little boys in his first school play, who’s scared to death to be out on the stage. Because of that fear, he goes out there, says his lines as fast as he can, and gets the heck off the stage. He doesn’t chicken out, because he wants the satisfaction of knowing that he did it - he just wants it to be over as soon as possible. When I heard this, it made perfect sense to me, for a couple of reasons. One, I’d been that little boy. I was scared to death to speak in front of people. I rushed through oral book reports, lines in plays, I rushed through a graduation address… I knew what he was talking about. But the other reason that it made sense to me is because frankly, I was nervous during sex. I think a lot of men are, again for various reasons which are not important to finding the cure to this problem. OK, so men get nervous, or anxious, and ejaculate quickly. But here’s the question with that theory – how? How do your mind and body subconsciously work together to climax sooner than your conscious mind wants to? What’s the physical mechanism involved, and how does your mind use it? It’s easy to say, “Because you’re nervous, you climax too soon.” But that’s a physical manifestation of an emotion. How does it work? If your subconscious mind is going to cause you to climax before you want to, there must be some way that it accomplishes that, some way for the mental/emotional trigger to become a physical trigger. Because of nervousness, the subconscious mind decides that it wants the body to climax right away. But how does it cause that to happen? The sensations in the penis while having intercourse are the same whether you’re nervous or not. Why does the nervous person climax fast, and the person who’s not nervous doesn’t? In everything that I’d read, in all my research, (and believe me, it was extensive), 16 Premature No More!! there was no explanation for this. There wasn’t even an attempt to explain it – in fact it wasn’t even mentioned. I believe that this is the real question, and the answer to this question is the answer to the problem itself. Theory #2: Learned Behavior This theory is just as simple, but it contains the same final question. The theory is that the man, over time, learned to climax quickly. Perhaps as a young boy or young man he masturbated, and the fear of being caught at it caused him to want to climax as quickly as possible, so he learned to do just that. Even as an older male, perhaps even as a married man, there are episodes of masturbation, and because of the desire to not get caught at it, he climaxes quickly. Through time and repetition, this trains his body to climax rapidly, at the slightest stimulation. Now, as he has sex with his wife, the learned behavior is there, ingrained into his mind and body, and the same thing happens. But this raises the same question: how? How does a man learn to climax quickly? Again, we’re talking about an emotion, a mental desire, (simply wanting to climax), causing a physical reaction. How can that happen? Obviously, if there is going to be a rapid climax rather than a delayed climax, there must be some physical trigger that causes it to happen. An orgasm is a physical response. A person can’t climax simply because they want to in their mind. Certainly, as a man pleasures himself, he’s getting immediate sensory feedback. He knows what feels good, he knows just where and just how to stimulate himself so that the desired result is achieved. But that’s not a sufficient explanation. There must be something else that he’s doing to cause the climax to happen, some physical trigger, just as with the first theory. What is it? Theory #3: Fatigue This theory supposes that as a man engages in sex, his body becomes fatigued due to the exertion. When he gets tired, one of two things happens: either his body somehow triggers climax as a result of the fatigue, or his subconscious mind says, “I’m tired – let’s get this over with”, and he climaxes. Again, this raises the natural question: how does the subconscious mind produce a physical result? As tired as he may be, I can guarantee that his conscious mind doesn’t want the sex to end. What physical effect does the subconscious mind produce that triggers the climax? 17 Premature No More!! Theory #4: Insufficient Arousal This is a fairly new theory, and doesn’t have a lot of research to back it up. And frankly, it seems to fly in the face of logic. Most men with PE, if you ask them, would say that during sex they’re too excited, and this contributes to their problem. Now we have a reputable doctor stepping forward and saying, “No, part of the problem is not being excited enough.” The theory is this: a fully excited, fully aroused, and fully erect male will perform better. (I mention this one, and give credence to it, because I’ve actually experienced this in my own life.) As we continue, I think you’ll see why this could well be correct, and you’ll see how it ties in with the basic question put forth in the first four theories. The Common Thread All of these theories seem fairly logical. At least one of them seems to apply to you in some way or another, right? Maybe you’re nervous during sex. Maybe you’re a little out of shape. Or way out of shape. Maybe, because of the frustrating nature of your sex life, you masturbate frequently and you’ve trained your body to climax quickly. Maybe, because of the PE, some of the fire’s gone between you and your wife and you’re just sort of “going through the motions” during sex, the full arousal’s just not there. Any one of these things, or perhaps all of these things, could apply to you. And if you’re like me, you read these things and think, “OK, I have to fix these things. I have to stop being nervous. I have to go back to the gym and get in shape. I have to unlearn climaxing quickly. And I have to find some way to light the fire of passion in my wife again, when it’s been out for quite a while.” You look at the laundry list of things that you have to accomplish in order to overcome this problem, and it seems like a complete emotional and physical remanufacture of who you are, and you’re immediately discouraged. It seems like a daunting task. But that solution is based on the theories them- selves. It’s my belief that the real solution is not based on the theories, it’s based on the questions that the theories don’t answer, in fact they don’t even ask. So you’re nervous. So you’re tired. So you’ve climaxed quickly in the past. So what? Why does any of that have to make you climax quickly now? In all of my research, no one says why. If we can learn the answer to that unasked question, none of those other things will matter. There’s a lot of talk in 18 Premature No More!! the medical field about treating the symptom and not the illness. You can give a person aspirin for a fever, but that doesn’t treat whatever caused the fever. The good news is, that doesn’t apply here. None of those other things will have to be changed. In this case, you can treat the problem without treating the cause, and still be successful. You won’t have to alter your basic personality, change your physique, or undo your past. In this instance, you can cure the problem without curing what causes the problem. You can go on being nervous, you can stay out of shape if you want… You’ll only have to learn to deal with one thing: the answer to the unasked question. The Question How? How does it work? How does anxiety cause climax? How does your body learn to climax quickly? How does fatigue trigger orgasm? That’s the unasked, and more importantly, unanswered question. I believe that the answer is found in understanding the nature of orgasm itself. We must understand the orgasm before we can know what triggers it. In looking at the scientific analyses of human sexual response over the past 40 years, from Masters and Johnson to the present, there are interesting observations to be made. Masters and Johnson characterized sexual activity as a four-phase process: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. In short, excitement is the period of arousal prior to intercourse, plateau is the period where intercourse takes place, orgasm is obvious, and resolution is the period immediately following. I was attempting to focus research on the orgasm phase, because that seemed to be the real problem – orgasm occurs at an undesired time. However, I believe the real problem lies in what leads up to orgasm, and it wasn’t until I looked at all the phases and began to put things together that I began to see the connection. The orgasm is characterized by researchers, for the most part, in the same way: a series of rhythmic muscular contractions. One article described it this way: “The most characteristic physical feature of orgasm is the sensation produced by the simultaneous rhythmic contractions of the pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle). Along with contractions of the anal sphincter, rectum and perineum, the uterus and outer third of the vagina for women, and the ejaculatory ducts and muscles around the penis for 19 Premature No More!! men, this constitutes the reflex of orgasm. The first few contractions are intense and close together, occurring at about 0.8-second intervals. As orgasm continues, the contractions diminish in intensity and duration and occur at less frequent intervals.” Over and over again I read about orgasm consisting of muscular contractions. And there’s certainly no doubt that this is accurate. I’ve observed this firsthand in my own responses. Then I began looking at the excitement phase, (before intercourse), and I noticed something. Listen to this quote: “An increase in muscle tone of certain muscle groups, occurring voluntarily and involuntarily, begin during this phase among both sexes. Also, the external rectal sphincter may contract randomly upon contact, (or later during orgasm without contact).” Then I looked at the plateau phase, (during inter course), and found this: “Further increases in circulation and heart rate occur in both sexes, sexual pleasure increases with increased stimulation, muscle tension in- creases further. During this phase, the male urinary bladder closes (so as to prevent urine from mixing with semen) and muscles at the base of the penis begin a steady rhythmic contraction.” (Notice that these contractions are not during orgasm, they are prior to orgasm, during intercourse.) All of a sudden I found that the muscular contractions associated with orgasm don’t begin at the moment of climax, they begin way back in the excitement phase, and continue to build during the plateau phase. They’re not spasmodic as they will be during orgasm, but the muscle tension is building. In fact, some researchers characterize orgasm in general not so much by the contractions themselves, but rather as a “release of muscular tension”. The tension in the muscles builds during the excitement phase, peaks during the plateau phase, when intercourse occurs, and culminates in the spasms and eventual release of that muscular tension during orgasm. Then it occurred to me: what if the muscular tension was the physical trigger of orgasm? Maybe the muscular tension increases during excitement and intercourse, and when that tension reaches a certain level, combined with 20 Premature No More!! stimulation of the penis, you reach the point that they call “ejaculatory inevitability”, and climax occurs. If that were the case, then the person who is a victim of PE simply has too much muscle tension in the areas of his body that trigger orgasm, the PC muscle, the anal sphincter, etc. I began to look for support for this theory and found a few interesting facts. One, the increase in muscle tone and tension during the excitement phase is something that the researchers call “myotonia”. Listen to the description of myotonia: “A neuromuscular disorder characterized by the slow relaxation of the muscles after voluntary contraction or electrical stimulation. Generally, repeated effort is needed to relax the muscles, and the condition improves after the muscles have warmed-up. Individuals with the disorder may have trouble releasing their grip on objects… Now it’s not likely that everyone with PE has myotonia the way it’s described above, a neuromuscular disorder. But it is very interesting that difficulty in relaxing the muscles is characterized as a normal part of sexual activity, from excitement through orgasm. This seemed to make it more likely that muscular tension was the trigger for climax. Another interesting thing that I found was a physical phenomenon known as the “anal wink”. It’s described as follows: “The anal wink, or anocutaneous reflex, is the reflexive contraction of the external anal sphincter upon stroking of the skin around the anus or the head of the penis.” There are nerve endings in the tip of the penis that cause contractions in the anal sphincter. You can try this yourself and I’m sure you’ll experience it. But if you combine this with myotonia, what you have is this: stimulation of the penis, which causes a muscle contraction that won’t relax, in a muscle that is key in triggering climax. Things were beginning to add up, and when I searched my memory of my own attempts at a cure, I found more interesting corroboration. In 1989 I went to a sex therapist about my PE, someone specially trained in all areas of sexual function and dysfunction. Do you know what he talked about? Stress levels and relaxation. Learning to relax and release tension. He was also a hypnotist, so I tried that, too. During our hypnosis sessions I never quite understood something: 21 Premature No More!! he never mentioned sex. All of our hypnosis sessions, designed to cure my PE, were centered on relaxation, being able to relax the mind and body, to release tension. Years later, in 2003, I ordered a set of self-hypnosis CD’s that were also designed to cure PE. Guess what the dominant topic was? Relaxation. “Imagine yourself walking on a beautiful beach…” The other topic was sexual confidence, which I now see as just another road to relaxation. If you can reduce the stress of life, and the stress of sex, you can increase the relaxation of both mind and body. It seemed that science and researchers had been on the edge of this discovery for decades. In my own personal experience as much as 15 years ago it was understood that increasing relaxation would help with PE, but nobody understood why. I now see that the reason it helps is because the tension of the muscles in the lower pelvic region is what triggers the climax. The more tension, the sooner the climax. Release the tension, and climax is delayed. Armed with this theory I resumed my research on the Internet and found even more extremely interesting in formation. There was a study done in the 1990’s, (seldom quoted these days), which put forth the following theory as its result: “Men who suffer from PE have a neurological problem of hypersensitivity in the penis and/or hyperspasticity of the pelvic muscles.” One website referencing this study contained the following quote: “...research indicated that the pelvic muscles, specifically the muscles that surround the erectile bodies in the penis, are in a hyperactive state in men with PE. Further, it is known that during the ejaculation process there is increased activity of these same muscle groups. Consequently, it is likely that men who have premature ejaculation have hyperactive muscles that are already on their way toward the threshold to producing ejaculations.” Other websites referred to the pelvic muscles as “the muscles that control ejaculation”. Things started making sense. The next obvious thing was to test my theory. 22 Premature No More!! Chapter 4: The Next Step: The Test It was beginning to seem as though my theory was correct. But if it was correct, and this information was already known, why wasn’t PE cured? What had they done with these findings? I set out to find out, and wound up in the field of biofeedback. Here’s what they had done with the information from this study: They knew the pelvic muscles needed to be relaxed to solve the problem of PE, and so they prescribed a rectal plug, and instructed the male patient to insert the plug in his rectum, and then masturbate. Frankly, I stopped researching right there. Apparently, so did they. Look at this quote from one website: “For a period of time, (our clinic) used biofeedback, where control of the bodily functions is mastered, through the use of a rectal plug and home teaching monitor. While men were able to delay ejaculation with this technique, men were reluctant to stimulate themselves with something in the rectum. No surprise.” This clinic used the information, formulated a method of treatment, employed it, and it worked, but the treatment was so unpleasant that nobody would do it. So even though it was successful, they have apparently stopped offering it. This was no help from a practical standpoint, but offered one more piece of the puzzle, one more step in my search for a cure for me. All of these things taken together seemed to lend great weight to the direction I was headed with this. But there were three tests for this theory. The first was to observe myself and see if this is the case, to see if these muscles were actually involved in orgasm. What I found was that as I became excited, the pelvic muscles did indeed contract. As climax approached, they contracted more and more, until the spasms of orgasm began, ending in the total relaxation of those muscles. It was so obvious once I looked for it that I’m not sure why I never noticed it before. The second test was to take this theory and try to apply it to the other four theories that I stated earlier. This was a must, because there’s no denying that those four theories are true, at least in part. If my theory was going to prove to be true, then it must fit as the ultimate explanation for the other four theories. The good news is that it does. It explains the physical trigger mechanism in each of those four instances. Let’s look at them: 23 Premature No More!! Theory #1 - Performance Anxiety First: the nervous person, the person with “performance anxiety”. What is the chief physical characteristic of a person who is nervous or anxious? Tension. They tense up, they involuntarily clench their entire body. They’re not loose and relaxed like a person who is calm and confident. I know a man who is a nervous person, and it’s very evident. You can see it in the way he stands – very erect, very stiff. His wife has trouble holding hands with him, because even though he doesn’t realize it, he squeezes her hand tighter and tighter the longer he holds it, until she has to pull away. Not surprisingly, this man has PE. His body has learned, over time, to be in a constant state of physical, muscular tension. In a sexual situation, where he is especially nervous, the tension this nervousness produces causes him to clench the muscles that trigger orgasm. Theory #2 - Learned Behavior Second: the person with “learned behavior”. How does this fit? This person’s problem begins with his purpose for masturbating. Over the years of solitary sexual exercise, he’s masturbated with one purpose in mind and one purpose only: orgasm. Since the focus is orgasm, there’s no point in drawing out the process that leads up to orgasm. He just wants to climax as quickly as possible. Over that time, his body has learned that he can speed the arrival of orgasm by clenching the PC muscle and anal sphincter. The problem is that he doesn’t consciously realize how he’s able to speed climax, he just does it. It’s an involuntary, subconscious action, and it carries over into his sex life. Once intercourse begins, his body is conditioned to clench those muscles, and trigger orgasm. Theory #3 - Fatigue In the third theory, the person who experiences fatigue, the connection is twofold. The first connection has to do with our self-consciousness about our appearance. Many men who allow themselves to get out of shape, to lose their physical conditioning, are still conscious of the way they look. As the shoulders start to droop and the stomach starts to sag because it has no muscle tone of its own, this person will force himself to stand erect, and hold his stomach in. In most people, however, the holding in of the stomach muscles involves the flexing of the abdomen, the lower abdomen, and the pelvic muscle group. In the process of trying to overcome the negative appearance caused by the lack of physical conditioning, he is training his body to clench the muscles that trigger 24 Premature No More!! orgasm. His physical habit becomes much like the nervous person, but for a different underlying physical and psychological reason. The other way the new theory applies to the third type of person has to do with the act of sex itself. An erection is caused by blood flow. But as a man engages in sex, and begins to exercise the other muscles involved in having intercourse, his body will often rob blood from the erection in order to feed those other muscles. The result is a minor softening and shrinking of the erection. When that happens, what does the man do? All of us men know that if we clench the lower pelvic muscles, we can force blood into the penis and cause a temporary swelling. The man who is shrinking due to fatigue clenches these muscles to try to strengthen his erection, thereby triggering climax sooner than desired. Theory #4 - Insufficient Arousal The same principle ties into the fourth and newest theory of the cause of PE, that of insufficient arousal. A man who is fully aroused and as hard as a rock is free to relax and enjoy sex. A man who is not completely aroused, one whose erection is less than full, is nervous about his ability to perform, for one thing. It’s difficult to have intercourse with a semi-hard erection. This nervousness can produce the muscular tension described in the first instance. But the other issue is that of how the man compensates for his semi-erect condition brought on by lack of arousal. Again, he knows how to get blood into the penis and make it more firm, and that is to clench the pelvic muscles and force the blood in. In order to compensate for the lack of an erection produced by sexual excitement, he tries to produce one by conscious physical effort. He clenches those muscles, and climax is triggered. (I believe these last two issues are the reason that erection enhancing drugs like Viagra and Cialis have some limited benefit in treating PE. The drugs produce a strong erection, so the man doesn’t have to contract his muscles to produce one himself.) The Conclusion As you can see, heightened tension in the muscles of the lower pelvic region can account for every traditional explanation for PE. In fact, it’s the only common denominator between four divergent theories that all appear to be true. It must be the explanation. But as I said, there are three tests of this theory: one, see if I could observe the muscular tension prior to orgasm in myself. Two, see if the 25 Premature No More!! new theory is the common thread between the other four. The new theory passed both of these tests. But the third test was the most important one: does this new information do any good? Information is only useful if it’s useful, if you know what I mean. What good would it do to know what causes PE if that knowledge couldn’t lead to overcoming it? That would be the final test. Was there something that I could do personally, as a man with PE, to use this knowledge to overcome my problem? The good news is, the answer is “yes”! After some time, some effort, and some trial and error, I was able to enjoy sex in a way that I hadn’t in years. And because of this, now you can, too. What follows is the method that I developed to make this information useful to you. Follow it as closely as you can. The best results will be achieved by performing each of the steps as outlined. If you have to skip a step, for whatever reason, the result can still be achieved, but it may take longer. You may have to spend more time and energy on another of the steps to overcome the fact that you skipped one. That’s OK. Remember to keep focused on the goal, and you’ll get through. First, some “don’ts”: We’ll get to the things that you need to do in a minute, but there are some things that you need to make sure that you don’t do, from this day forward. First, if you masturbate, you need to change the way you do it, you need to change the focus. From this day forward, you must never masturbate just for climax. If you’ve trained your body to climax quickly in this way, you must stop it. I understand that you may sometimes feel the need, but when you do, you must make it part of the cure, or it will remain part of the problem. You’ll see what I mean later when I say, “make it part of the cure”. Second, if watching pornography is how you develop your idea of what’s going on in the average sexual relationship, you need to re-think that perspective. The things that you see in those movies are not typical of the things that happen in the bedrooms of America. You men will probably never perform like that guy. Face it - he’s a pro. He’s a guy who has sex for a living. Watching him, and measuring yourself against his performance, (which you will do, even if you say 26 Premature No More!! you won’t), will have a negative effect on you by making you feel like less of a man and feeding your anxiety. Also, 99% of you don’t have wives who look like that, or are built like that. Again, these women are professionals, gleaned from thousands of applicants. Watching them will breed discontent with what you have. Also, your wives probably won’t do all of the things that those ladies will do. They get paid to do those things, they get paid to perform in front of a camera, according to a script written for a customer base that is 95% male. Watching them, and hoping that your wife will do those things, once again only breeds discontent, which leads to a lack of arousal, which leads to PE. So if you get your sense of “normal” from watching pornography, you should stop. It does not help your problem. The third, and last thing that you need to make sure you don’t do is this: don’t give up. This program works, but it only works with time and determination. Remember something—depending on your age, you are about to try to undo a subconscious, learned physical behavior, on the reflex level, that has been in place for years, or perhaps even decades. This will not be easy. There may be repeated failures for some of you. Don’t give up! And I guess I’m saying this mostly to the women, because it’s not usually the guys who want to quit. Hang in there with him. If you’ve tried some of the socalled “cures” in the past, and they haven’t worked, the tendency will be to see this one in the same light if there are a few frustrations or set-backs. You’ll want to quit, you’ll want to give up. Don’t! Reread what I’ve said, and realize that it may take a while to unlearn a behavior that’s been ingrained for his entire life. You’ll be tempted to want to see at least some progress. But please understand that it could turn out that you will see no progress at all, and then one day he’ll get it, physically, and it will be like turning on a light switch. That day could come at any time. So even if you don’t see any progress at all, hang in there and keep working on it. Don’t quit! Next, some suggestions: 27 Premature No More!! Now that we’ve established a short list of some things that you definitely shouldn’t do, let’s talk about some things that you should do. Again, these items are not a “must”, but they will certainly help, and they will help because the fatigue factor is real. Unfortunately, we live in a society where physical fitness is no longer a priority, and sex is a physical activity. Men who are out of shape, who have no physical conditioning whatsoever, don’t perform as well as they could. Now don’t panic, because I’m not suggesting that you become a triathlete. I don’t expect you devote your every spare waking minute to exercising. I’m only talking about a few simple activities that are directly related to sex. Frankly, if your lifestyle won’t permit you to spend 20 minutes a day exercising, you’ve probably got a lifestyle that’s contributing to your problem with PE. Here’s what I’d like you to do. First, do 15 to 20 push-ups in the morning, and again in the evening. This is not a lot of exercise, (although if you’re like me you’ll have to work your way up to it), but these are muscles that are used during sex, as you suspend yourself over your partner. If your arms are out of shape and not accustomed to supporting your body weight, fatigue will be a problem. Second, do 15 to 20 sit ups in the morning, and again in the evening. The muscles of the abdomen are used in sex during thrusting, and if they are out of shape, once again fatigue will be an issue. In both of these instances, with the arms and with the abdomen, your body will begin to send blood to these muscles, blood that is needed to support your erection. Third and last, 15 to 20 minutes of cardio-vascular exercise per day. This can be on a treadmill, a stationary bike, a real bike, a brisk walk, whatever you choose. This will build the heart muscle itself, which pumps the blood to the other muscles, supplies oxygen, etc. Never forget that an erection is a function of the circulatory system. A strong heart produces good erections. And, as a person who suffers from PE, it may have been a long time since you’ve had sex for long enough to get out of breath, but if you stick with this program, you will, and you need to be ready for it. As you can see, this is not a lifestyle-altering regimen that will require huge sacrifice and major schedule rearranging. It’s just a few simple things to take care of yourself a little better – things that will help during sex. If you don’t do them, you can still defeat PE, but if you’re going to have better sex, why not make it as good as it can be? 28 Premature No More!!  Chapter 5: The Cure One important point: Do not put your regular sex life on hold during any of these stages! OK, here’s the section that you’ve all been waiting for. If you’ve skipped to this point and haven’t read the rest of this booklet, stop right here, go back, and read it. I am very serious. If you haven't read the rest of the booklet, none of what I’m about to say is going to make much sense to you. Actually, there are many sex therapists who would probably suggest that if you jumped to this part of the book without reading the beginning, which would suggest certain personality traits that connect with your PE. In sex, you’re doing what you just did with this booklet – you’re jumping to the end. But then, I’m not a sex therapist, and this isn’t a book on psychology. In any case, go back and read it from the beginning! The process of the cure will take place in stages and the first stage is entirely nonsexual. Again, I have found, (and this is backed by the findings of scientific research), that PE is a problem that has its root cause in a non-sexual subconscious physical habit. That habit is the clenching and contraction of the muscles of the lower pelvic region: the anal sphincter, the PC muscle, etc. During sexual intercourse, the clenching of these muscles is the physical trigger for orgasm, and in many men with PE, these muscles are contracted almost all the time. This is a condition in our society that I believe is getting worse as our society gets more stressful. People are becoming more stressed, more tense, and more uptight as the years go by. There’s the economy, the war on terror, the outsourcing of jobs… There’s the pressure to look a certain way, dress a certain way, drive a certain car, own a certain home, listen to the right kind of music, hang out in the right places, with the right people... the list goes on and on of things that can make a man seriously uptight. 29 Premature No More!! And we know it’s a problem. We even joke about it in the media and in our movies. How many of you have heard someone referred to as being “anal”? You may even remember a scene from the movie, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”. In the movie, Ferris has a friend named Cameron. Ferris describes his friend Cameron as being an uptight kind of a guy. In fact, his description of Cameron goes something like this: “Cameron is so uptight that if you stuck a piece of coal up his ass, three weeks later you’d have a diamond.” This is a description of many men in our society today, myself included. I was so stressed out that I had developed the habit of clenching my rectal sphincter all the time, whether I realized it or not. This carried over into the bedroom, and became the trigger for my PE. I believe that this is the reason why the number of men with PE has increased so dramatically as our society has changed. And again, you don’t have to de-stress your lifestyle, (although that could certainly help), all you need to do is recognize the physical effect of this stress, and overcome the habit. Step 1 - Evaluation and Awareness Some men, and you may be one of them, are not clenched all the time – the clenching of these muscles only becomes a problem during sex, due to anxiety, fatigue, etc. The first thing that you’ll need to do, then, is determine whether or not this portion of the cure applies to you. All this takes is being conscious of your body. You need to know if you have a frequent or continual habit of contracting your pelvic muscles, so that you’ll know where to start in this program. Hopefully you can tell on your own, but the feeling that we’re looking for is the feeling that you have to go to the bathroom and you’re holding it back. The PC muscle holds back the urinary flow, and the anal sphincter holds back the bowel movement. If you have the urge to go right now, put the book down, go to the bathroom, and come back. It’s perfectly normal to clench those muscles when you have to go, and that’s not a problem. It is a problem, however, when you contract those muscles when you don’t have to go. So if you have to go, go. OK, so if you left, you’re back, you’re sitting down reading. Here’s where the awareness of your body begins. Are you clenching right now? If you’re sitting while you read, you probably aren’t. If you are, then you’re at the extreme end 30 Premature No More!! of the scale. Even if you’re not, check yourself throughout the day, and you may find that you clench in certain circumstances, even while you’re sitting. First thing in the morning, many men are very relaxed, well rested, they haven’t gone out into the real world yet… they feel no tension or stress. As a result, some men with PE have more successful sex in the mornings. I noticed that in my own life a long time ago. Then they get in the car and drive on the freeways. Instant stress. Then they get to work, and sit down at their desk and it’s another level of stress. Production quotas and deadlines loom, fear of losing your job, being passed over for promotion, guys who want your job, unreasonable supervisors and expectations, etc… the stress builds through the day, and the muscles begin to tense up, including the lower pelvis, even while sitting. Again, for some men with PE, sex in the evening, after a long stressful day, is quite different from sex in the morning. Let’s say you’re not clenching right now. Here’s the next thing to do—get up, go to the bathroom, and look at yourself in the mirror. How do you look? Take a good, hard look at yourself, and then see if you’re clenching your lower pelvis. Chances are good that you are. We all want to look good to our wives, to our coworkers, etc. We live in a society that places a high premium on physical attractiveness, and we’re very self-conscious about our appearance. All of us men want to look like the guy in the Calvin Klein underwear ads, right? So when the stomach starts to sag, we hold it in when people are looking, and often as we pull in the stomach we clench the lower pelvic muscles. You may not even be aware of it until you consciously relax it. If you’ve noticed that you’re clenching your pelvic muscles as you stand there, try relaxing them. If you have to relax your stomach muscles to relax your pelvic muscles, go ahead. Now, attempt to tighten only your abdomen, and not your lower pelvis. This is your first goal – to learn to carry your body without contracting your pelvic muscles. It can be done, although it will take a while to overcome this ingrained habit. This is also another place where the daily sit-ups come into play. As you tighten the muscles of the abdomen through exercise they will improve in tone and begin to flatten on their own, without you having to consciously hold them in. This will improve your ability to keep your pelvic muscles relaxed. If you’re a person who lives with these muscles contracted most of the time, you’ve got a challenging road ahead of you. This is a habit that you’re going to 31 Premature No More!! have to break, because it’s the cause of your PE. And as I said earlier, it may be a habit that you’ve had for years without even knowing it. This is something that happens without you thinking about it, so now you’re going to have to think about it. You’re going to have to be aware of these muscles all the time for a while. This is difficult in a world that pulls our attention in so many different directions. You’ll get distracted from this goal by the necessary things of life, like work. You’ll suddenly notice that you’re clenched, and wonder how long you’ve been that way this time. It can be a somewhat frustrating process, but with time and perseverance it can be overcome, and it can be overcome without masturbating with a rectal plug in your rear end! For me, personally, it took around two months to get to the point that I needed to be. One day I began to notice that when I hadn’t been thinking about it for a while and then suddenly turned my attention back to it, I wasn’t clenched. The key for me was small reminders. I used blank yellow post-its. I put one on the bathroom mirror. I put one on the dashboard of my truck. I put one on my computer monitor at the office. I put one wherever I might spend some time and need to be reminded, and every time I saw one of the blank yellow post-its, I’d relax my pelvic muscles. Eventually I’d see one and notice that I was already relaxed. And I’m a very tense person by nature. If I can do it, you can too. It’s important to note here that I didn’t have to change my basic personality. I only had to learn to overcome a physiological result of my personality. This is a much easier task! Changing from a tense person to a relaxed person is nearly impossible. But compared to that, learning to relax my muscles was relatively easy. This first step of the cure will be an ongoing process throughout the rest of the course. You don’t need to have this part mastered before seeing progress in your sex life, and you can go on with the rest of this book without having thoroughly conquered your day to day habit of clenching these muscles. This is because the only time that it’s vitally important that these muscles not be clenched is during sex. However, for these muscles to be relaxed during sex, it will most likely be necessary for you to break the habit in general. I don’t imagine that it would be possible for most men to be relaxed during sex but clenched all the rest of the 32 Premature No More!! time. This is a habit, a subconscious habit, that needs to be broken, because once again - it’s the cause of your PE. So keep working at it! Step 2 - Controlling the AR Now the awareness of your body is going to move to the bedroom, but still in a non-sexual way. There is another habit, a reflex action that you’re going to have to be aware of and defeat, and that’s the “anal wink”. Actually, that’s a distasteful term, so let’s use the scientific name, the “anocutaneous reflex”, and we’ll abbreviate it and call it AR. If you’re a person with the tendency to clench, then AR is your enemy in bed. The nature of AR is that it causes a reflexive contraction of the sphincter, therefore also producing a contraction in the PC muscle. (This is an assumption on my part, since I’ve been unable to contract one without contracting the other.) Remember that AR is triggered by any touch to the area of the head of the penis. What happens at that point is that even if you’ve managed to relax those muscles in bed, the first contact with the penis triggers this reflexive contraction, and it doesn’t let go. For men without PE, it’s a “wink”, it contracts and then lets go, like winking your eye. For men with PE, it’s not a wink, it doesn’t contract and let go, it contracts and stays contracted. This causes early climax. Here’s what to do: the next time that you’re in bed with your wife, make sure that your pelvic muscles are relaxed. Then, snuggle up against her in the “spoon” position, with your front against her back. As your penis makes contact with her, you’re going to notice the reflexive contraction. Make sure it relaxes! If you move, and it contracts again, make certain it relaxes again. This is step one to defeating AR – make sure it’s a “wink”, that it contracts and relaxes. Your eventual goal is to minimize the intensity and duration of the contraction. As you become more aware of your body’s reactions, you will eventually be able to feel the stimulation to the penis, sense the desire to contract, and not contract much, if at all, and it will almost instantly release. This is what you want to work toward, and this also will come in steps, over time. Now you’re aware of your enemies—the habit of clenching the muscles of the lower pelvic group, both outside of the bedroom and in the bedroom, and the reflexive reaction to stimulus that triggers the contraction. Defeat these two foes, and you’ve defeated PE, and here’s why: 33 Premature No More!! There is a point during intercourse that researchers refer to as the point of “ejaculatory inevitability”, the point at which it is inevitable that you are going to climax, and there’s nothing that you can do about it. This point is reached when semen, which has been building up, is squeezed from the urethral bulb, into the urethra itself. This is caused by a muscular contraction, the very kind of contractions that we’ve been talking about. It’s natural to contract at some point during intercourse and for climax to happen. But for those of us who are clenched from the start, this point of ejaculatory inevitability is reached almost immediately. Learn to relax those muscles, stop the contraction, and that point will be delayed. The previous two tasks comprise the non-sexual portion of this program. While they are critically important, they’re only half the battle. From here on out, it becomes very sexual. It will be important for you both to have discussed what you’ve read here, agree that it makes sense, and agree that you are going to work together to defeat this problem. You women need to understand that if your husband feels that you’re reluctant to participate in the cure, that will translate into guilt and tension in him, and make this problem much more difficult to manage, because that guilt and tension will translate into muscular clenching. Take part in this, make it fun, and be successful at it—for his sake, for your sake, and for the sake of your relationship. Again: do not put your regular sex life on hold during any of these stages! You should continue to have sex regularly, even if it’s frustrating. But you men need to make certain that your wife climaxes by means other than intercourse if the intercourse doesn’t last long enough. Whether it’s manual, oral, doing it twice, whatever it takes, be considerate of your wife. The reason it’s so important to continue having sex is that if you don’t, the man will begin to attach sex to success. He’ll begin to feel that if he’s successful at this program, he’ll get to have sex again, and if he’s not, he won’t. This puts way too much pressure on him, and that added psychological pressure will have physical ramifications. Ladies, he needs to know that you accept him as he is, and that you’ll receive him sexually 34 Premature No More!! no matter what, because you love him, and not because of how he performs or doesn’t perform. This will actually speed the cure. One last note before we move on. What you’re about to read is going to sound a lot like some of the other programs that you may have read about or even tried. Trust me, this one is different, and I’ll explain in a minute. Step 3 - Solo Exercises The first sexual step is masturbation, and it should start with the man alone. I know there are many of you men who’ll read this book with your wife and say, “I don’t do that.” Most of you are not being honest. For those of you who really don’t, you’ll need to rely on the cooperation of your wife, and eventual success will be more difficult for you. This is because this is a program of steps, designed for you to learn to control your reflexes one step at a time. In many cases a man pleasuring himself is not nearly as stimulating as being pleasured by a woman. If that’s true for you, then if you haven’t completed Steps One and Two, the rest will be more difficult. That being said, the man should masturbate, (without any lubrication), being conscious at all times of the condition of his pelvic muscles. They should be completely relaxed. As you make contact with the head of your penis, you’ll feel the AR, and you’ll feel your pelvic muscles clench. Relax them. If they contract again, relax them again. There may come times when it will be necessary for you to force them to relax. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but it’s not, really. The contraction is an inward pulling, and you can counteract it with an outward pushing, as though you were trying have a bowel movement or initiate urination. (Think of the feeling of trying to urinate when you have an erection.) When the contractions happen and won’t let go on their own, push the muscles back out past the relaxed position, and then allow them to relax on their own. Your eventual goal is to be able to masturbate without contracting. To do that you’ll need to be able to feel the AR and short-circuit it, and not allow it to contract the sphincter and PC muscle. This may take some practice, some repetition, but it can be done. As you begin to control the habit of clenching, you will notice that it will take longer and longer to reach climax. These two things combined, (learning to control the contraction of your muscles and taking longer 35 Premature No More!! to reach climax), will be the measure of whether or not you’re ready to proceed to the next step. Only you will know the answer to that question, but you will know when you’re ready. As you learn to relax these muscles and keep them relaxed, you’ll find a pleasant benefit. Your orgasm will be stronger. We’ve all experienced the kind of climax where there was no build-up, no crescendo to the final peak, it just happens. Those kinds of orgasms are weak and unsatisfying. This is because the buildup of tension, the gradual contraction of the pelvic muscles, is supposed to be part of the process of building toward climax. When those muscles are already wound as tight as a spring, that part of the building sensation is missing, and you only experience the peak. But as you learn to relax, it will take longer to reach climax, and there’s more of a building sensation. It’s different in a way that’s difficult to put into words, but when you experience it, (and you will), you’ll know what I mean. One very important aspect of these solo exercises: you must allow yourself some time to do them, and a place where you won’t be interrupted. Again, part of the problem is that your body has learned to climax quickly. If you give yourself five minutes to do this exercise, how do you expect to last ten or twenty minutes during intercourse? It doesn’t make any sense, does it? You must be able to last as long during masturbation as you want to last during sex. You may remember I said earlier that if you don’t change the way you masturbate, if you don’t make each session part of the cure then it will be part of the problem. This is why. If the focus of your masturbation is simply to get the exercise over with, or to reach orgasm as quickly as possible, believe me, your body knows how to do that, and it will continue to do it. Take your time, use every session to work toward your ultimate goal. So at this point you should be doing three things: (1) Focusing on keeping the pelvic muscles relaxed throughout the day, using whatever reminder works for you, breaking the habit. This is critical. (2) Staying conscious of the AR and working to overcome it. (3) Participating in solo masturbation exercises. While it will be different for each person, if you’re doing all three of these things you should start to feel a real difference in your masturbation within two to three 36 Premature No More!! weeks. If you haven’t noticed a change yet in your sex life with your wife, don’t worry. That will happen, but you’ll have to work toward it. Step 3(a) - Adding Lubricant As you learn to relax the pelvic muscles during masturbation without lubrication, and you get to the point that you’re able to control your climax until you decide to, the next step will be to add lubrication to your solo exercises. What we’re doing here is working steadily toward the feeling of being inside of a vagina. While the male hand doesn’t feel at all like a vagina, a hand with lubrication is a closer approximation. This phase of the program may not take long at all for some of you to master, while for others it will be quite difficult. If you’ve really gotten the hang of relaxing the pelvic muscles during self-stimulation, then it may not be much more difficult when the lubricant is added. If adding the lubricant causes you to lose control of the timing of your climax, go back to the first step and work at it a little longer. When you feel like you’ve regained full control without lubrication, come back to this step. As you stimulate yourself with whatever lubricant you choose, once again be aware of the AR as you touch around the head of the penis. If you feel yourself contracting your pelvic muscles, relax them, and try to relax them without stopping the stimulation. If you need to stop at first while you relax them in order to keep control, go ahead, but one of your early goals will be to relax your muscles without stopping the stimulation. Your wife will appreciate this. One of the biggest frustrations with the “Stop-Start” method or the “Squeeze Technique” is that every time you have to stop, it’s like starting completely over for the woman. As you progress through this stage, try not to do what you’ll be tempted to do. What you’ll be tempted to do is this: you’ll want to move on to the next step, you’ll want to feel like you’re ready, like you’re making progress. Because of that you’ll avoid touching yourself in certain ways that you know will trigger climax, or at least ways that did in the past. Don’t do that. Don’t avoid those sensations. If you do, you’re only fooling yourself, and it’ll be obvious later, because your wife is going to touch you in all those ways. 37 Premature No More!! Don’t move on from this portion of the program until you can stimulate yourself in any way, until you can stimulate yourself in all the ways she’s going to, and still remain in control. The reason for that involves the woman. She may have taken part with you in programs before that were designed to help with this problem and failed. If you move on to the next step before you’re ready, you’re going to have problems and have to come back to this stage anyway, only now your wife thinks it doesn’t work, that it’s just another one of those silly programs that never does any good. You’ll want to avoid that. In this stage of masturbation with lubricant, you’ll want to get to the point where you can approximate the feeling of being inside a vagina as closely as possible, and still remain relaxed and in control. Try varying the position of your hand— turn your hand over so that your thumb and forefinger are toward your body. This puts more focus on stimulating the head of the penis, which is where you need the most work. One of the differences between masturbation and intercourse is that in masturbation, (in most instances), the hand slides up and down the shaft. For half of the time there is no contact at all on the head. During intercourse however, the head of the penis is in constant contact with the inside of the vagina 100% of the time. Therefore, you need to focus your attention during this portion of the program on the head, which for most men is the most sensitive area. You’ll want to be able to touch yourself in all the ways that she’s going to touch you, and still remain in control. Don’t move on to involving your wife in these exercises until you’ve got it down. Keep working throughout the day at the nonsexual portion of being aware of the habit of contracting and working to overcome it, and keep working at these solo exercises until you know you’re ready to progress. Step 4 - Involving Your Wife: The Two C’s When you feel that you’re ready to involve your wife in this process, let her know. It’s critical to keep the lines of communication open. That’s the first “C”. Keep talking to each other; keep communicating about this issue, even if it’s uncomfortable for you to discuss it. Don’t leave your wife wondering where you’re at with it, or if you’re even working on it. The more well informed she is, the more willing she’ll be to take part in the process. 38 Premature No More!! If you’ve taken my advice and not put your sex life on hold during the early stages of this program, there is a possibility that you’re already seeing progress, that you’re already feeling a difference. You may not be where you eventually want to be, but you may be able to tell that you’re better able to control your reflexive reactions. The next stage of these exercises is designed to help you transition from being able to control yourself under your own stimulation, to being able to control yourself when your wife is stimulating you. As I mentioned in the early portion of this book, nobody wants this program to seem like physical therapy, like exercises that dehumanize the natural beauty of the sexual act. Unfortunately there is no way around that in the early stages, when the man must work at this alone. But now that the woman will be involved, let me assure you that every attempt has been made to keep the exercises within the bounds of fairly typical sexual activity. The first step in this section of the program not only requires good communication, it also involves firm commitment. The two of you need to commit to having sex at least three times a week until this problem is under control, regardless of the outcome in the early going. It may involve some frustration, but it’s important. The reason for this is two-fold. One, the more often a man has sex, the less sensitive to touch he is, the less wound up he gets, and the easier it is for him to control himself. Second, it is important for the man to know that he will get to keep having sex regardless of his performance. In many situations, the man feels like the better he performs, the more often he’ll get to have sex. For men and women who struggle with PE, sexual relations can become infrequent, and the man blames his performance. He’d like to have sex fairly regularly, but doesn’t, and deep down inside he’s sure it’s because of the PE. Therefore, he ties his performance to the frequency of sex, and the pressure is unbearable. This is often the cause behind performance anxiety. Ladies, if your wife knows that you’re going to continue to have sex with him regardless of the outcome, he’ll be better able to relax and work on the solution instead of focusing on the problem. It is very helpful if you commit to each other that you’ll work on this diligently, the way you’d work on any other problem that you may tackle together in life. Step 5 - Wife Foreplay Exercises 39 Premature No More!! Now, let’s get to it. These exercises will take the form of foreplay. If you do it right, with the right attitude, you may not even know that you’re doing exercises. As a prelude to intercourse, the woman should stimulate the man with her hand, beginning slowly at first, to give him a chance to get his bearings physically and become aware of the reactions of his body. In many men, the PE is so bad that they have hair triggers and any energetic early stimulation will set them off. Give him a chance to warm up, to get used to the sensation of your hand on his penis, and to get accustomed to the reaction that this creates in him. Men, you’ve done this on your own, but you’ll probably notice right away that it’s a little bigger challenge with her doing it. That’s normal, but you’ll be able to overcome it. Be aware of the condition of your lower pelvic muscles, whether or not they’re contracted, and keep them relaxed! If you can’t relax them without her stopping, then ask her to stop. Eventually you’ll be able to, but don’t rush things. Men, during this stage don’t be in a hurry to get an erection. It’s normal not to be hard as a rock from the first touch. It’s a mental trap to get self-conscious about not being hard, or thinking this makes you less of a man, or that it makes your wife feel like you don’t find her sexually attractive. If you feel that way, you’ll clench your muscles and try to force an erection to happen, and the result will be bad. Both of you: Relax, take your time, allow things to develop as they develop, at their own pace. During this portion of the exercise, the man may stimulate the woman, but be careful not to get her too excited, or when you get to intercourse she’ll be ready for a speed of thrusting that you can’t handle yet. When you’ve done this for two to three minutes, go ahead and have intercourse, starting slowly at first. For some of you reading this, two or three minutes of manual stimulation may not seem like a long time, but believe me, for many men with this problem, lasting for three minutes while being stimulated by their wife is a miracle. Adjust the program for wherever you’re at personally, and work toward the same goal that you worked toward on your own – being able to control yourself longer. There is no magic number of minutes that’s long enough – the goal is progress. Gauge whether or not you are ready to proceed to the next step by whether or not you are satisfied with your control at this level. Again, keep your pelvic muscles relaxed! 40 Premature No More!! At this point I’m going to share with you a little trick that I learned quite by accident. I’m not even sure how I discovered it, but here it is: When you’re having trouble controlling yourself, and you feel like you may reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability, breathe all the way out, and force the sphincter outward, as though you’re trying to have a bowel movement. This is the “forced relaxation” that I spoke of earlier. I don’t know why it works, what connection breathing out has, but I’ve noticed that in many instances it completely kills the urge to ejaculate. You don’t want to have to do this, but keep it in mind as a sort of “fail-safe”. When you’ve gotten to the point that you can control yourself longer, or what you feel is long enough with your wives non-lubricated hand, add lubrication. Again, the goal is to approximate the feeling of being inside a vagina, and her hand with lubricant is a lot closer than her hand without. Start working toward two to three minutes of manual stimulation with lubricant and work upward from there. As you feel the AR, as the pelvic muscles contract, relax them. Force them to the relaxed position if you have to. Try to relax them without her stopping the stimulation, but if you need to ask her to stop or slow down at first, go ahead. Just remember that your goal is to be able to relax those muscles without having to stop what’s happening. This will benefit your wife greatly in the final stages. Don’t forget your “fail-safe” if you need it. As in the earlier stage of this program, there’s no magic number of minutes that amounts to lasting “long enough” under stimulation with her lubricated hand. You know your personal sexual history. You’ll know if you’ve made a little progress or a lot of progress. When you’ve made what you consider to be a lot of progress, what you think is enough progress, move on. What happens when you move on will tell you whether or not you’ve made enough progress in the earlier stages. What Makes This Different I said before that this may sound a lot like programs that you’ve tried at other times in your life, and in many ways that’s true. But this program is very different at a very important core level. Think back to those other programs, and what the focus of those programs was. It was getting to know your body, becoming aware of when you were approaching the point of ejaculatory 41 Premature No More!! inevitability, then pausing, allowing the feeling to subside, and then starting again. The whole idea behind those programs is identifying the feeling of approaching climax so that you don’t get caught off guard and climax without seeing it coming. That way you can stop or change the stimulus so that the feeling will subside. Ask your wife how she feels about that theory. I can almost guarantee that she doesn’t like it. A large part of the purpose of defeating PE is so that you can last long enough for her to reach orgasm. But in many cases the female orgasm is a long-term building process, much longer than the man’s. Let’s suppose that a particular woman needs ten to twenty minutes of continual stimulation to reach climax, and the man has to stop or change what he’s doing every two to three minutes. Every time the man has to stop, she starts over. Now think about this for a minute. The whole focus of those other programs is to learn about your body, to learn to identify the point of inevitability so that you can stop or change what you’re doing. But she doesn’t want you to stop or change what you’re doing! She wants you to keep doing what you’re doing, or she’ll never get there. Therefore, many of those other programs intentionally train you to practice a technique that will help you last longer, but your wife will still never reach climax. The problem is, those other programs simply accept that the point of ejaculatory inevitability will arrive, and it will probably arrive before you want it to. They accept it and try to find a way to live with it, to compensate for it. That’s where this program is different. This program deals with what causes the point of ejaculatory inevitability to arrive sooner than you want it to. It breaks those habits, and thereby delays the arrival of that point so that you don’t have to stop or alter what you’re doing. And, if you do feel it coming on, it trains you to deal with it without having to stop or change what you’re doing. That’s what sets this program apart from the rest of the crowd. This program is designed for the maximum benefit of both wives. Step 6: Position-specific Intercourse 42 Premature No More!! Ready to move on? You should be sure. You should know that you’ve done all that you can do in the earlier stages before working this technique into intercourse. Of course, if you’re the eager beavers that I anticipate most of you are, you’re already using it, and possibly having pretty good success, or at least some. As a reminder, here are the things that you should be doing, or have done: (1) You should be continuing to work on breaking the habit of clenching your lower pelvic muscles throughout the day. (2) You should be continuing to work on your awareness of the anocutaneous reflex, working to make certain that it doesn’t trigger an uncontrolled contraction of the pelvic muscles. (3) You should have worked through your solo exercises, without and then with lubrication. (4) You should have worked through your foreplay exercises with your wife, without and then with lubrication. If you’re doing and have done these things, you’re noticing a difference by now in your sex life. And when I talk about finally taking these things and working them into your intercourse, you may be thinking, “I’m already doing that!” But there is a very specific way in which you will now use this technique. It’s nothing fancy, nothing revolutionary, but it is something that researchers have agreed on for years. As you read through many of the reputable publications concerning PE, you’ll find many references to Masters and Johnson, many references to the Squeeze Technique, to the Stop-Start Technique, etc. And if you keep reading, the ones that give you other helpful hints will always give you this one—the woman should be on top. Few of them, however, bother to explain why, and I believe they don’t fully understand why. But it’s true – the most successful position for overcoming PE, and the one that you’re going to be using in the next phase of this program, is for the woman to be on top. But I’m going to be different. I’m going to explain to you why. You may remember the top four causes of PE according to the current thinking among sex researchers: Performance anxiety, learned behavior, fatigue, and lack of full arousal. You know from reading the beginning portions of this book how the contraction of the pelvic muscles plays into each one of these causes. Now, using the information that we have, we’re going to see how the woman on top position helps to solve at least three of these. 43 Premature No More!! First, performance anxiety If the woman is on top, she’s in control of the sexual activity. She positions herself, she guides entry, she aligns herself so that the penis stimulates just the right parts, etc. This removes the pressure for all of these things from the man. The number of things for which he feels he might be criticized is now minimized, and the anxiety that he feels during sex is so much less that it makes it easier for him to relax the muscles that trigger climax. Some of you women may have been on top before and found it just as frustrating because he was always telling you, “Stop, slow down, look out!” I understand. But this time there have been preparatory steps taken in getting to this phase, and hopefully you’ve seen enough progress in the foreplay exercises to know that it will be different this time and you should try it again. Second, fatigue In the woman on top position, the man is not suspending himself over the woman with his arms, he’s not thrusting with his hips and abdomen, he’s just lying there. For one thing, this will keep the body from robbing blood from the penis to supply the other muscles that he’s using. It will also keep him from having to contract those other muscles, which would promote the contraction of the pelvic muscles. If the man is on top, having to flex his arms, his abs, his thighs and buttocks, all of this will promote the flexing of the muscles of the lower pelvis and make it more difficult for them to remain relaxed. With the man on the bottom, he can remain completely relaxed. Third, lack of full arousal. This one’s a no-brainer. It’s very arousing for a man to have his wife on top of him. It makes her the sexual initiator, which is a desire of many men, and it supplies good visual stimulation as well. This only leaves the problem of learned behavior, and everything that you’ve been doing during this program is designed to help overcome that. With all of these factors working in your favor, your probability of success is very high. 44 Premature No More!! That being said, here’s what you should do next. The next time you have intercourse, the woman should be on top, and you should use a lubricant. The lubricant will help, because it lessens the friction on the head of the man’s penis, and therefore reduces the tendency toward AR. If you have a latex erection ring, you should use that as well. This will keep the blood in the penis and prevent you from feeling the need to clench to harden your erection. The excitement of having your wife on top of you should take care of that, but use the ring just in case. If you don’t have one, they can easily be ordered on the internet, and are not expensive. You should start with a small to moderate amount of foreplay, using the lubricant, but again not so much that the woman is extremely excited. If she gets excited and climbs on top and starts rapid stimulation, it will be very difficult for the man to hold back. After a few minutes of foreplay, the woman should position herself on top of the man, achieve entry, and begin slow, short movements. Be careful during the first minute of penetration. This is the time when the sensation is the most intense, the AR is the strongest, and the tendency to contract is the most difficult to overcome. Many people believe that the longer intercourse lasts, the more likely a man is to climax, and in one sense this is true. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. But for the man with PE, the first minute is the real danger zone, and if he can get past that, his likelihood of lasting is much higher. During this time the man should be focusing on everything he’s done and learned up to this point, focusing on the new awareness of his body that he’s gained. You’ve spent weeks learning to exercise your conscious control over those muscle groups – here’s the time to use it. Keep them relaxed! If you feel them start to tighten, consciously relax them. If you need to ask her to stop or slow down for a moment, go ahead. That’s not our ultimate goal, but we’re in the early stages here and we can work toward not needing her to stop as we progress. If you feel yourself having trouble controlling the contraction, remember your fail-safe. Breathe all the way out, and force the muscles outward, as though you were trying to have a bowel movement, then relax them again. 45 Premature No More!! As the man gets accustomed to the feeling of being inside of his wife, and as he gains awareness of his musculature and he exercises his control over it, then the woman can start longer, more rapid movements. One thing that you will notice about the anocutaneous reflex is that the longer you are inside the woman, the less intense the urge will be to contract. This is one of the reasons why it’s so critical to start slow. The man needs an opportunity to get past that first initial intense urge to contract. The longer sex lasts, the more relaxed he’ll be. If you’re not successful on your first attempt in this position, don’t worry, don’t give up, keep trying! You’ve committed to each other to have sex three times a week until this situation is under control. Keep at it. Men, don’t forget that you’re trying to overcome a long-term, deeply ingrained, subconscious habit. Women, there will come a day when he’ll get it figured out, physically, and you’ll notice a sudden difference. It may be a gradual improvement, but it probably won’t be. It will probably be a night-and-day difference when he finally gets it. Step 7: Progressing in Positions Once you have achieved success in this position, you can move on to other positions, beginning with the ones that require the least exertion and movement by the man. The man lying on his side and using only his hips to thrust is a good next step. Remember, as the man flexes the muscles in the rest of his body, it will increase the likelihood that he will flex the muscles of his lower pelvis, so the idea here is to begin to employ the other muscle groups one at a time. Woman-on-top uses almost no muscles of the man’s. Side by side uses just a few. Rear entry (or “doggie-style”) is another good next step, as it still uses just a few of the man’s muscles. Researchers agree that man-on-top, the standard “missionary position”, is the position that actually promotes PE the most. It will most likely be your last step in overcoming this problem. It’s critical that you continue to work on your day to day practice of relaxing your lower pelvic muscles throughout the day, no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Now that you’ve finally employed this technique in your sex life, you’ve probably noticed that it takes some of the fun out of sex, having to concentrate and focus so hard on keeping those muscles relaxed. I understand that. It’s true. But when you’ve achieved a fair degree of success at keeping those muscles relaxed even when you’re not thinking about it during the 46 Premature No More!! day, you will have more success at keeping them relaxed during sex without thinking about it. You Made It! Well, congratulations! By now you should be able to have intercourse for a fair amount of time, much longer than you ever have before. How long is long enough? No one can say. It’s different for each couple. One of the things that researches have agreed on over the years is how hard it is to define PE. What makes it premature? The man climaxing before the woman does? Many women are unable to achieve climax through vaginal intercourse alone. Research puts the number as high as seventy percent. Does that make their wives premature? No. It just means that they need to explore other sexual options for the woman’s fulfillment. A successful sexual relationship is about commitment and communication that lead to contentment. If both husbands and wives are committed to the other’s sexual fulfillment, if both are communicating their own needs and desires, and inquiring into the other’s needs and desires, being willing to meet them, then sexual contentment is only a few short steps away. I mention this, and it’s important, because some of you men reading this book may never last long enough for your wife to achieve orgasm through intercourse. There will be some men who are never able to quite master this technique, for whatever the reason. Don’t wallow in the frustration! Explore other avenues of sexual fulfillment. Talk about it, work through it. There are other ways than intercourse for both wives to be sexually satisfied. Explore your own personal reality and deal with it, and don’t let it destroy your relationship. I hope that you’ve enjoyed the process of getting to the point you’re at now, sexually, because I’ve tried to make the process as much fun as the goal. Most of all, I hope that you’re now enjoying sex. If at any time you feel yourself regressing, go back to an earlier step and get your bearings again, and work your way back to where you need to be. Remember, this technique is not about changing your basic personality type or undoing your past. If you’ve been a nervous person in the past, you’ll probably always be a nervous person, and you’ll always have the tendency toward muscle tension. You may struggle with this for the rest of your life. This is not 47 Premature No More!! about changing who you are—it’s about dealing with the symptom of who you are. No matter what your personality type is, no matter what kind of physical condition you’re in, no matter what your past learned behavior is, once you get the hang of being relaxed during sex from the waist down, you’ll be able to have fulfilling intercourse. Enjoy! 48 Premature No More!! Some of the techniques within this book are sexually and emotionally powerful. Although these techniques and activities can have dramatically positive effects on your (and your spouse’s) physical and emotional well-being, people that have high blood pressure, heart disease or a generally weak condition should proceed slowly. If necessary, consult a physician before implementing any included techniques. Nothing within this publication should be considered medical advice. Premature No More™ is a publication of SPI Publications. Additional copies of this publication can be obtained at: www.christiansexhelp.com Copyright © 2000-2010. All rights are reserved and no reproduction or distribution of this publication can be made without express written authorization of the authors. 49 Premature No More!! Additional Christian Marriage And Sex Resources You can also find the following resources for improving your Christian marriage and sex life on www.ChristianSexHelp.com: Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband was written specifically for Christian husbands. It includes all of the latest scientific research regarding male sexual response, pleasure, and orgasms. Unlock the Vault Of A Lifetime of the Most Intense, Satisfying And Frequent Sex You’ve Ever Had...Sex That Leaves You Both Exhausted And Refreshed With Pleasure... And Bonds You Together Like "Relationship Super Glue"... Have Sex As God Intended For You And Your Wife...With Intensely Pleasurable Sexual Sensations And "Soul Bonding," Experiences That Can Only Be Found Within The Christian Marriage Bed. Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife is the perfect complementary book to Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband. It was written specifically to help Christian women to become more sexually responsive and fulfilled...no matter their past experiences. It includes all of the latest scientific research regarding female sexual response, pleasure, and orgasms. Learn how to unleash any woman's sexual response and satisfaction! Learn the secrets that have helped thousands of Christian women to go from non-orgasmic to multi-orgasmic! Susan Irwin has put together a step-bystep roadmap that will lead any woman to a more pleasurable and fulfilling sexual life. Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife 50 Premature No More!! Premature No More is the result of Robert's personal struggle with PE, early in his marriage and his subsequent overcoming of this issue. He has addressed the issue of PE in his other books…but never in this detail. There was so much ground to cover that he felt that it was necessary to create a resource specifically dedicated to overcoming PE. It contains the same step-by-step solution that he utilized to overcome his own problem with PE and is the same approach that he recommends to the men he personally coaches. The real message of this book is that there IS hope. If you are willing to learn and follow a few simple techniques, you CAN overcome premature ejaculation and its negative effects in your marriage and sex life. Premature No More When Your Husband Is Never In The Mood will give you support, comfort and, more importantly, solutions to help you help your husband to overcome his lack of sexual desire. If your husband struggles with a lack of sexual interest, this book is the answer. Co-written by Susan Irwin, this book provides all of the secrets to re-igniting any man's libido. Low male sexual desire is one of the biggest, yet least talked about, problems that many Christian marriages face. It causes untold frustration, pain and resentment within marriages. Fortunately, this is a problem that can be relatively quickly and easily overcome...if you utilize the right strategies and techniques...in the right way! This book has helped hundreds of couples to transform their married sex lives. When Your Husband Is Never In The Mood 51 Premature No More!! With Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions For Christian Couples, you won't have to settle for even one more boring night in your sex life. You'll learn the advanced sexual positions, tips, tricks and techniques that are the surest way of bringing fun, excitement and endless variety to your married sex life. Without a doubt, the biggest cause of marital and sexual frustration is...boredom! If you don't start making your sex life an adventurous journey, filled with new and exciting things to explore and do, neither of you are going to be all that excited about sex anymore. That is exactly why we have created a "first of its kind" new book, "Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions For Christian Couples." In just minutes from now, you can have the most comprehensive resource of fun, sexy and creative positions for Christian couples ever! Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions For Christian Couples Sexual Fun And Games For Christian Couples will help you to take the sexual part of your Christian marriage to the next level! In just minutes from now, you can have the most comprehensive resource of fun, sexy and creative sex ideas for Christian couples ever...right at your fingertips. This book includes...     Sexual Fun And Games For Christian Couples! Over 50 Ideas For "home made" sexual accessories. Over 30 Ideas For Exciting Sexual Environments. Over 200 Sex Games And Activities Over 100 Creative Lovemaking Techniques 52 Premature No More!! 300 Sex Questions For Christian Couples will be the "spark" that ignites the sexual passion in your marriage again! Before you can communicate, sexually, you need to learn how to communicate...verbally. The questions in this book are specifically designed to allow you and your spouse to learn everything possible about each other's sexual needs, desires, likes and dislikes. With 300 Sex Questions For Christian Couples, you will find it infinitely easier to learn your spouse's deepest, innermost thoughts and emotions regarding sex. And, we have proven, for over ten years, that the REAL first step to a better sex life is...better communication! The Keys To Better Sex In Christian Marriage Collection is the result of over a decade of our research, counseling and writing. It contains virtually every resource we offer: -Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband -Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife -Premature No More -When Your Husband Is Never In The Mood -The Ultimate Guide To The G Spot -Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions -Sexual Fun And Games -She Loves God, Me & Sex! -300 Sex Questions -101 Romantic Ideas -Sexy Coupons -Healing Touch Massage -The Art Of Kissing -The Keys To Better Sex Audio Outline 300 Sexual Questions For Christian Couples The Keys To Better Sex In Christian Marriage 53