On Understanding Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding
. Exalt her, and she shall promote thee: she shall bring thee to honour, when thou dost embrace her. She shall give to thine head an ornament of grace: a crown of glory shall she deliver to thee. Proverbs 4:7-9 King James Version (KJV) Directly after I invited Jesus into my life (1969, at 8 years old, * there was more to it, but I haven't decided if I'll write about it because it's really personal) I decided to: "do unto others as I would have them do unto me". It was one of the few quotes that I truly believed was in The Bible because it made sense and was a loving thing to do. I hadn't yet verified whether it was actually written in there because I hadn't begun to read it in earnest.
I knew I was misunderstood and desired to be understood. I sought to apply this to my life and understand people as well as serve God. My Mother already began guiding me (when I was 3 years old) in analyzing people psychologically. She did it for her selfish motives of manipulation, but, I had 8 years of personal data already compiled. I found that I understood people better than they seemed to understand themselves. They'd never understand me because they relied on the "if I were her I would . . . to falseIy anticipate mymotives or actions. I promised myself I wouldn't use my knowledge about them to manipulate them and I was glad I had taken this high road because I would later read about "the Blind Spot" as well as other hard and firm facts why not to lie or deceive others for selfish gain. My Mother said "lying is too hard because you'll have to keep lying and will have to remember all of your lies" I thought it was absurd because the truth was evident.
The people who went about existing did these things and were, as my Mother used to say "going nowhere fast." I discovered that I loved all people easily, but didn't like most of them. I realized that people were unhappily chained to each other because of their criminal deceptions. My Mother was chained to me, the child she didn't want and she felt the need to remind me of this often. The adults were clearly uhappy and frustrated because they were negative people. Their words and deeds were always evil. They couldn't break the chains that bound them because they're cowards. Everything that seemed to be a reasonable solution was never even considered by them. Their lifestyles were deliberate and unrewarding. Their main problem was what my Mother and everyone else said, thought and felt about me. Jealousy. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.
James 3:16 KJV This is so very true and the reason why my true story proves The Holy Bible to be 100% correct in my opinion. I recall when I used to watch the Black girls crossing the dirt lot going to church and my Mother accusd me of wanting to attend so I could dress up. It was natural for me to play dress up, but not for Vikki and Valli because they were different. Their differences were what I was expected not to show up and live down to. When I explained to my Mother that I was interested in what they were learning, she actually seemed to care for me and had pity on me. She told me in a kind voice (suspicious even then, they'd try and control me with this). "Everything they were learning was written in The Bible" She'd given my half sisters and I each our own Bible for Christmas (1965) with our names embossed in Gold letters. She'd later give Terri Shepard Ward and her Brother Kenny both Bible like that for Christmas presents with
a zipper as well as their names embossed in gold letters. Terri still had hers on her dresser when I was forced to visit her as a teen. I was forced to go to the movies with her also (The Sting, Murder by Death and American Graffitti - jerry Lewis Theatre in Mariners Harbor, Forest Ave.), but not to church. Val told me in the 80's that girls she physically fought with became friends. They couldn't have possibly been so stupid to think I could be friends with sworn enemies who physically attacked me when I have Thalassemia Minor. They refused to apologize like most losers and I refused to pretend that we were friends! Maxine, the Mother is a negative scorpio (sex pervert) and Terri is a retarded, jealous, slanderous Aries. They'd never invited me to church and most likely was under the assumption that I had no soul because even though they were supposedly Baptists, they believed like the Catholics who they were beholden to for their jobs.
I suppose that the Pope decided (late 1970's) that I had one afterall. I had known that my Mother was against joining a church because of her experiences as a child being forced to attend services. The preacher and the rest of the adults would eat before the children. The preacher, she said took advantage of them knowing that they were a large family with many mouths to feed (12), but he'd still eat as much as he wanted, for as long as he wanted as she and her siblings waited desperately. I knew my Mother had a tendency to be overly emotional and get her feelings hurt too easily. It was one of the first things I recall disliking about her because her hysterics were the result of her inexperience, or worse, her unteachable ignorance. This is why I was diligently seeking to patiently understand people without interfering with their choices.
I was usually the youngest and I noticed that the adults, everyone who was supposed to be in charge were more unhappy. Why my Mother and everyone else was/is so bent out of shape mentally was obvious to me, but there was no way to gently express this to her. I decided to show them with my actions as an example, but I found they could only mimic and not very well. They seemed to me to a lost cause. Their negative attitude was the reason why I invited Jesus into my life in the first place becuase he was always spoken of with such high regard by everyone. They weren't going to get me to play along with their making me into an extention of their hate when I had only love in my heart to express. They were furious about their lives and how the results of their being cheats and perverts kept them chained to each other when they seemed to despise each other so much. I'd gotten used to being left alone when I was 3 and had decided that it was better than being around them and their violent emotional outbursts; displacing their aggression onto me.
I'd already discovered what peace of mind was. I was not associating with people who don't share my mindset and values. As my Mother instructed "do as I say, not as I do" "pick your people, don't let them pick you" They had eachother and plenty of people to share activities with, but they were still unable to be gratified. I realized that from my Mother being constantly badgered and burdened by Vikki and Valli that people hated their kids and when our Moher told us time and time again that Vikki was the only child she agreed to have for Morris and that Valli and I were never wanted that I would try my best not to be a burden (1964). I hadn't meant to be an asset to any of them because I had no reason to care to since I was unloved, uncared for and unwanted by these unmerciful people and the world. I knew that the authorities forced my Mother to keep me and she never let me forget it. I think it all made me into a very realistic yet idealistic person.
I suppose the idealism is to counter the total disregard the world's inhabitants had for my well being. Her repeated threats "If your Momma don't want you nobody will" must have been what her Mother or pimp uncles told her because I found that when they did speak to or about female relatives it was always threatening and or condescending. These people were caught in a trap worse than me because they had eachother and still failed at being happy or content. Clearly happiness was not dependant on numerous people such as family or friends. All of these people seemd to make eachother unhappy and malcontented. I enjoyed reading, but not as an escape, but for knowlegde because I realized that the people I was depending on were unreliable and beholden to others. If I was not their priority then they wouldn't be mine. I would be my priority becuase I was the one who had no one and nothing. I worked hard and tried to get my Mother to love and accept me.
Not unlike the James Dean character in East of Eden (semi-biographical novel by John Steinbeck) or the character Marnie (Alfred Hitchcock movie) that I couldn't buy my Mother's love and how degrading it made me feel. I was so hurt by her that I vowed to never make such a mistake again. I would never try and please a person again who was a degenaerate incapable of being pleased or expressing gratitude. Their hand picked losers had losses, but not the least bit like mine, but like theirs being bad judges of character. I suppose when people have parents, families and homes, they can afford to make errors like that because they have their help to recover. They can afford the luxury of indulging themselves in fantasies. Incapable of gratitude was one of the very character flaws my Mother used to try and get Vikki and Valli to understand and years later I would experience this obvious slap in the face from her. I accepted her refusal or incabability to appreciate me and hoped I could free myself from them
even if I were to never be asociated with like minded people. I grew weary of their demands on my mind. I was the one who took the time to develop it and they wanted full access to it. I didn't have full access to their brute strength which ought to have been protecting their asset, me. Since they sought to marginalize me, I beat them to it and did it myself. I'd live for me and me only. They had each other and friends and shared grievances. I had nothing in common with them and had it not been for Dot (my Mother) being so lazy asking Vikki and I to promise to look after Valli because she's retarded (another story) I would not have realized that mental retardation was most of their problems. The smarter, more brawny ones exploiting the dumber ones. They were all retareded as far as I was concerned because the ones who needed to feel superior were no better than the ones they were subjegating.
The tyranny of retards. They were so far gone that there was no way of ever helping them in any meaningful way because of the way they always tried to one up each other. I'm glad I don't have a family becuase it's better not to have one than to stupidly claim enemies as a family when they never had my best interests at heart. They didn't even have their own best iterests at heart, only immediate wants partially fulflled. They failed to realize what I knew would inevitably happen, the subject of them not being my family. The subject of my not having a family; for the retards who rejected me from the beginning for the sole reason that I have a White biological Father and they hate any advantages I might have because of it. They only seemed to care to focus on me and not be productive to alleviate their constant want of money. They wanted it, but were too scared and lazy to work for it. They thought work was beneath them because they could rely on lowlife Black and White males to give them money for sex.
They had the power to blackmail and force sex onto minors in their care. They were doing what they wanted and still weren't satisfied because they wanted me to feel the way they felt. I couldn't feel the self loathing they felt because I hadn't been tricked into making counter productive decisions. They were doing what they wanted and were not happy. They had the lives children convince themselves they want, but the unspoken facts were that no one loved them enough to tell them the truth. "Correct a fool and he'll hate you, dont' correct a fool and he'll go off in his conceit". "a wise man can learn from a fool" Bible It seems their low self esteem was earned and they blindly tried to pump themselves up into believing that if they could just contaminate the world and everyone was a mlacntent then they could banish the idea of happiness because they could not realise it for themselves.
"misery loves company" They were so desperate to prove they are not inferior to Whites they made it their goal to try and indoctrinate, bombard those of us that can think abstractly (they call dreaming) are genetically inferior. When all else failed they resorted back to to force and extortion. I'm glad God promised me separation from them for an eternity because no one else has promised me anything or even negotiated with me for anything. They are inferior because they can only haggle and bark nonsense orders like slave overseers who are still slaves themselves. Trying to avenge themselves for crimes that were never commited on them while displacing aggression was/is an exercise in futility. Since they didn't think I was worth establishing a meaningful relationship with, I didn't think they were worth empowering. I had not said anything about their crimes against me until the first rape and they had 16 years prior to that to cease and desist which they obviously weren't attempting to do.
It also proves The Bible is true because they have expressed every evil that is written about in the scriptures. They are only low level criminals serving higher level criminals who are all desperate and lack social skills which is why they are called ant-social. I don't mind being persecuted for Jesus' sake. I am not a masochist, but the idiots can't understand true altruism. I never thought of them as human beings and recall thinking of them as some type of animals when I was only 3 years old, but then they had had a full 3 years to do massive evil against me cowardly and jealously displacing their aggression onto me. If "they" were correct they would be writing their autobiographies and not trying to reinvent the truth about me. If "they" were correct they would have uplifted "their" family and because they're not "my" family, "they" are not "my" responsibility! They were kept from the truth by their own fantasies.
I hadn't the leisure to indulge in fantasies and I'm glad I'm not spoiled like they are because it keeps them from the truth to their own detriment. Gentlemen, when the enemy is committed to a mistake we must not interrupt him too soon. Horatio Nelson Never interfere with your enemy when he's in the process of destroying himself" Napoleon They've established a pattern of behavior which no one can deny :)