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Dave Unspun

Fracking has become a national debate in Britain (since you noticed us trying to backscuttle it in) and its one that Im determined to win (even though my spin doctors are having kittens about it). If we dont back this (ill thought out) technology, we will miss a massive opportunity to help families with their bills, make our country more competitive (and enrich my fat cat pals). Without it, we could lose ground in the tough global race (to rape our planet).

As with any advance in technology, fracking drilling (the crap out of the countryside) for so-called unconventional gas has rightly drawn scrutiny (from just the sort of people who are going to make my life a pain in the ass). But a lot of myths have also sprung up (like Methane out of a Texan tap). So today I want to (treat you all like gullible fools and) set out why I support it and deal with the worst of the myths at the same time (whilst dropping the were all in it together bomb...wait for it).

First, (WAIT FOR IT!!) fracking has real potential (for me to give you a load of old flannel that it may be possible) to drive energy bills down. Labours mismanagement of the economy means that many people are struggling with the cost of living today (whilst I struggle to remember that weve been in power for over three years). Where we can act to relieve the pressure (on my economic mismanagement), we must. Its simple (like me and my policies) gas and electric bills can go down when our home-grown energy supply goes up (and Dinosaurs once again start roaming Surrey).

(Although youd have to be completely insane to think that) Were not turning our back on low carbon energy, but these sources arent enough (for my Corporate masters to enrich themselves). We need a mix. Latest estimates suggest that theres about 1,300 trillion cubic feet of shale gas lying underneath Britain at the moment and that study only covers 11 counties. To put that in context, even if we extract just a tenth of that figure, that is still the equivalent of 51 years gas

supply (which should safely see us through to catastrophic and irreversible climate change).

This reservoir of untapped energy will help people across the country who work hard and want to get on: not just families but businesses, too, who are really struggling with the high costs of energy (brought about by the Corporate greed that I continuate). (For a perfect example of that Corporate greed) Just look at (whats left of) the United States: theyve got more than 10,000 fracking wells opening up each year and their gas prices are three-and-a-half times lower than here. Even if we only see a fraction of the impact shale gas has had in America, we can expect to see lower energy prices in this country (and me donning my Che Guevara t-shirt and moving to Venezuela to become a Chavista).

Secondly, fracking will create (imaginary) jobs in Britain. In fact, one recent study predicted that 74,000 (imaginary) posts could be supported by a thriving shale-gas industry in this country (as English village folk are renowned for their oil industry expertise). Its not

just those involved in the drilling. Just as with North Sea oil and gas, there would be a whole supply chain of new businesses, more investment and fresh expertise (that never left the City limits of Aberdeen). Thirdly, fracking will bring (dirty bribe) money to local neighbourhoods. Companies have (reluctantly) agreed to pay 100,000 (bribe money) to every (devastated and poisoned) community (unfortunate enough to be) situated near an exploratory well where theyre looking to see if shale gas exists. If gas is then extracted, 1 per cent of the revenue perhaps as much as 10 million will go straight back to residents who live nearby (because I believe, that like me, they know the price of everything and the value of nothing). This is money that could be used for a variety of purposes from reductions in council-tax bills to investment in neighbourhood schools (as a replacement for the devastating and immoral cuts brought about by my Government). Its important that local people (sell their souls and) share in the wealth generated by fracking (just like my rich buddies and advisory appointees).

The benefits are clear (as drill mud). But its also crucial to put to bed the myths. It has been (supremely ignorantly) suggested in recent weeks that we want fracking to be confined to certain (desolate) parts of Britain. This is wrong. I want all parts of our nation to (be plundered and) share in the benefits: north or south, Conservative or Labour. We are all (drum roll) in this together (ta daaaa...bet you never saw that baby coming).

If neighbourhoods can see the benefits and are reassured (by my oil industry mates) about its effects on the environment (muhahahaha, *strokes white fluffy cat*) then I dont see why fracking shouldnt receive real public support (just like how I thought that everybody would love having our forests sold off). Local people will not be cut out and ignored (whilst having Police escorted fracking trucks plough past them). We are issuing very firm guidance: firms looking to frack should make people aware of their plans well before they apply for a permit (by sticking a notice on a tree way outside the village). (Although weve set up a legal framework to completely by-pass local democracy) Dialogue is important and if residents

express specific concerns, then companies should take them on board (before going ahead and drilling anyway like at that bloody Balcombe place). From my experience as a local MP (when Im there), people tend not to oppose developments for the sake of it (which is why Im crapping myself that theyre onto us). But what they do object to is the idea that their neighbourhood should change without any say (so to really piss them off weve set up a legal framework to completely by-pass local democracy). We want people to (shut the hell up and) get behind fracking, and a (completely non) transparent planning process is an important ingredient (combined with dangling lots of lovely lolly).

Equally, we must (pull off a miracle or use smoke and mirrors to) make the case that fracking is safe. International (oil industry sponsored) evidence shows there is no reason why the process should cause contamination of water supplies or other environmental damage, if properly regulated (and we completely ignore the facts on the ground). And the regulatory system in this country is one of the most stringent in the world (as it was in many other ecocidal

disaster zones around the World such as the Gulf of Mexico). If any shale gas well were to pose a risk of pollution, then we have all the powers we need to close it down (just like they eventually closed down the Deep Water Horizon after billions of barrels of oil had leaked into the Gulf).

When all is said and done, though, one myth still remains (other than me having a soul, heart or Labour Party member card) that fracking damages our countryside. I just dont agree with this (in front of the British public). Our countryside is one of the most precious things we have in Britain and I am proud to represent a rural constituency (and see it plundered). I would never sanction something that might ruin our landscapes and scenery (which is why I surround myself with fracking shills and lobbyists whilst my buddy George shovels them billions of pounds). Shale gas pads are relatively small about the size of a (really disturbing) cricket pitch. But more than that, (completely different but) similar types of drilling (in the sense that they use drills,) have been taking place for decades in this country without any real protest (because it was nothing like fracking). (What will soon

be historically known as) The South Downs National Park remains one of the most beautiful parts of Britain (until we get our hands on it), yet it has been home to conventional oil and gas drilling since the Eighties, (a procedure that bears as much relevance to fracking as Jimmy Saville did to child care). The huge benefits (to my mates) of shale gas outweigh any very minor change to the landscape (as viewed through the fumes of thousands of gas flares).

So my message to the country is (panicked and) clear we cannot afford to miss out on fracking. For centuries, Britain has led the way in technological endeavour (but were going to put renewable technologies on the gas back burner and return our nation to the dark ages of) an industrial revolution (so far backward that its gone full circle to be) ahead of its time, many of the most vital scientific discoveries known to mankind, and a spirit of enterprise and innovation that has served us well down the decades (but were going to wind back the clock to the tradition of the dark satanic mills). Fracking is part of this tradition, so lets seize it.