This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
by Joseph Frost
a play written for The 31 Plays in 31 Days Project
Draft August 15, 2013
© Attic Scripts, 2013 4550 Normandy Dr Jackson, MS 39206 email@example.com
Lights illuminate a billboard upstage, an advertisement for King Cola - the benevolent monarch of sodas. The ad has a comical king holding an enormous soda bottle. Downstage is Will and Kevin, both young and dressed average. Kevin stands looking upstage. Will is sitting on the ground, leaning back. WILL If they hadn’t gotten sued, they would have advertised it as the King of Pop. A moment. Sued by who? KEVIN A moment. Lady Gaga. Really? WILL
KEVIN That doesn’t make sense-WILL KEVIN
Michael Jackson. More sense.
(beat) Who’s the little man? Dwarf. No. WILL
KEVIN The dude with the bottle. WILL He lives in a box down there. KEVIN A moment.
That’s Hobo Louie. On the sign.
2. KEVIN WILL
Yeah. It’s King Cola.
KEVIN That didn’t take much imagination. No. Terrible ad. WILL KEVIN Doesn’t even look like he likes to drink it.
WILL Well, at least it’s accurate. Why? KEVIN
WILL It takes like bath water. A moment. KEVIN You don’t think that’s what they were going for? I seriously doubt that. WILL A moment. Still. Still what? He is the king. He’s a cartoon. Still. Sure. KEVIN WILL KEVIN WILL KEVIN WILL A moment.
3. KEVIN It’s good to be the king. (beat) History of the World. Part one. I know. WILL
KEVIN It’s good to be the king. Of cola. (beat) If he drinks that whole thing, his bladder would explode. WILL I almost guarantee that that sentence was never spoken at King Cola headquarters during a marketing meeting. It would. KEVIN That bottle’s bigger then him.
WILL I refuse to participate in this conversation any further. Just know that. A moment. KEVIN She move her stuff out already? Yes. Fast. Definitely. WILL KEVIN WILL
KEVIN You know she’s going to Shirley’s. No. WILL
KEVIN You don’t know, or you do and she’s not. Yes. Which of-WILL KEVIN
4. WILL She’s not going to Shirley’s. How do you know? Followed her. How? KEVIN WILL KEVIN
WILL Despite my appearance, I am a crafty fellow. A moment. Hug? What? You need a hug? Absolutely not. KEVIN WILL KEVIN WILL A moment. KEVIN It’s ready if you change your mind. WILL I appreciate that, Kevin, but you gotta know, I have no intention of hugging you. Fair enough. KEVIN A long moment of silence. King needs a scepter. You can’t be serious. KEVIN (CONT’D) WILL
KEVIN I absolutely am. He’s got a crown, sure. regal if he has a scepter.
But he’s more
5. WILL He can’t hold a scepter. He’s holding the giant bottle. doesn’t have any hands left. KEVIN The bottle is a scepter. I get it. No. It makes sense now. a king. He has a crown on. WILL KEVIN Just having the bottle is what makes him WILL
KEVIN Yeah, but without the bottle, he’s just a dwarf in a yellow pointy hat. Little person. You said. I’m retracting. WILL KEVIN WILL I was wrong. A moment. KEVIN If you could have told her that, she might not have-I know that. WILL
KEVIN You think it’s too late? WILL She’s already moved out. KEVIN A great man once quoted someone else who said, “it’s never too late.” WILL That’s what you’ve got right now? KEVIN I would also tell you that it’s the benevolent monarch of sodas.
KEVIN He’s at least twice as regal if he has a scepter. WILL Perhaps that was regality overload. KEVIN No such thing as too much regal. WILL When you’re selling bottles of soda, maybe there is. I don’t buy it. KEVIN Too much regal.
WILL Neither did anyone else. It’s why they’re bankrupt. Bankrupt. KEVIN With an empty factory. Just like your apartment.
She took the couch. night.
WILL I sat on the floor to watch TV last
KEVIN She took the cat too, right? Nope. WILL
KEVIN That’s cold, dude. Sticking you with the kids. wanted them in the first place. I did. Oh. Was my idea. WILL KEVIN
(beat) I hate your cat. I like difficult women. WILL A moment. KEVIN Perhaps if you had a scepter.
7. WILL Or a bottle of King Cola that was twice my height. KEVIN No way you could carry it like that dude. I’m no king. Or Little Person. WILL KEVIN A moment. What am I gonna do? Which movie are we in? I don’t know. WILL KEVIN WILL
KEVIN It’ll make a difference which speech I give. The “Go get her.” The “move on.” The “St. Crispin’s Day.” WILL I’m not storming a castle. You could. KEVIN
WILL Make as much sense as sitting around here. A moment. KEVIN I’m trying to cheer you up. You suck at it. WILL
KEVIN I will let that slide because you’re hurting. I appreciate that. WILL
KEVIN It’s hard to not be a miserable turd in times like these.
8. WILL KEVIN A moment. KEVIN (CONT’D) The top of the bottle is really almost the size of his head. He could climb into that bottle, drink his way out. WILL Then he’d be stuck in a bottle. KEVIN Hadn’t thought that far ahead. WILL He’s be trapped in there. Walled off from everything around him, but still able to see it all. Just disconnected. (beat) And he’d be the same little king he was before, who loved his giant sodas, but now... I know. KEVIN A moment. WILL Why does it have to suck this much? It just does. KEVIN A moment. I should go home... Feed you cat.... Poison. WILL KEVIN WILL Will stands. He and Kevin face one another. Will leans in and hugs Kevin.
Shut up. See? I understand.
9. KEVIN WILL Will turns to go. KEVIN You’re not going to poison the cat. No. Good. WILL KEVIN Be the benevolent monarch of your apartment. WILL Will exits. Kevin looks at the advertisement again. KEVIN He’s wearing one white glove. Lights down. End
Thanks, Will. Yeah.
I will do my best.